Декабрь

Late liturgy. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of mercy on me through the use of the Holy Gifts: who destroyed the terrible machinations of the spirit of malice in me and after the fierce, destructive fire of hell gave me pleasant coolness, after the storm - silence, after confusion - peace. I shed tears of tenderness and gratitude before my Savior, who works so wonderfully in His supernatural and life-giving Mysteries. May my reverence for the Lord and His Holy Mysteries increase a thousandfold, and may I be completely renewed through communion with them. (The enemy set fire to the reader Vasily Kutuzov during the liturgy, allegedly he did not want to serve smoothly, quietly, slowly - and meanwhile he was not entirely healthy and therefore did not sing quite smoothly. Like an enemy slandering his neighbors!) Drinking a lot of wine is a big disaster: a whole thorny forest or a garden of thorns grows in the heart, but how difficult it is to pluck it out! How it hurts the soul! He sinned: he spared sugar for his brother Alexei, and he was offended by Belial and was embarrassed. He repented, made amends by offering his brother more tea, and calmed down. Never spare anything for your brother, who is in the image of God and who is dearer than the whole world. For man, the Lord did not spare Himself, He gave Himself up to suffering and blasphemous death, He offers Himself for food and drink! Oh, immeasurable love! Oh, extreme condescension! I also get fed up and eat and drink a lot in the evening; I also suffer from a mortal sin - gluttony. Have I not experienced many times that my heart is weakening in faith and growing cold towards God and neighbors because of gluttony, that I am in danger regarding salvation, that I am an idolater in my soul? My mother is the cause of countless blessings for me, after the Lord. The sore spot does not tolerate touching; In order to make us impatient, irritable, and angry, the enemy first strongly wounds our soul and body with his attacks, and then it becomes very, very bitter and difficult for a person: he is as if sitting on hot coals. God forbid! I should not forget that my money was given to me freely by God, and I should not regret giving it to those in need. Help, Lord! Morning. He sinned before the Lord and people by insulting a beggar boy for his persistent request after giving him a small mite and tearing him out by the hair with annoyance and anger. Although there were plenty of beggars, three kopecks would have been a small calculation for me if I had given to a beggar; It would be possible not to scream at him at the top of my lungs and not tear his hair. Sinful before God! I am sinful of stinginess before the Generous, of malice before the Good and Meek, of covetousness before the One who acquired me with His blood, of lack of hope before the Hope of the unreliable. It is very difficult for sexton Vasily Ivanovich Kutuzov to lead the service alone in the choir: there is a lot of dust there from sweeping the church. I have experienced this myself many times. We must spare him and take care of him. If I don’t spare him and take care of him, then how can I want him to spare me and take care of me? And he will not spare me or take care of me. As you want people to do to you, do so to them. Wonderful akathists to the Savior and the Mother of God: this is pure gold, precious stones - every word. This is an outpouring of the grace of the Holy Spirit, this is a song of thanksgiving and glorification and petition, erupting from the soul. This is light, life, the sweetness of the soul, its strength, its triumph, its glory. What heavenly bliss and peace settled in my soul yesterday and today after communion of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord! What life-giving warmth in the mouth, in the insides, in the sides, in the heart, in the belly! Your Divine Mysteries wonderfully revive me, O Lord! They are like fire and like light for me, scorching sinful substance, burning the thorns of passions and enlightening me all. Glory to Thee, Lord! I sinned before the Lord - I was upset with the sexton of Kamenogradsky for uneven singing and reading: sometimes strong, sometimes very weak - generally for negligence and inconstancy in the service; the enemy fanned the flames so much that I could not calmly serve and read from embarrassment and demonic violence, I hesitated, stopped, did not utter words, hiding them. He complained to the archpriest at the first hour: he could not say the prayer to Christ, the True Light due to embarrassment, darkness, and cramped conditions. From now on we must be indifferent, even if the sexton walks on his head: the devil is deliberately inciting him and me, laughing at us. God! Protect Your servants. When he performed the annexation of the Catholic Feodosia after Matins, the enemy, with one glance at the silk handkerchief donated to me by Ivan’s godfather, wounded me so much that he completely captivated me, that my whole heart was, so to speak, in his teeth. Several times I knelt before the Lord, praying to deliver me from inner captivity and from the desire hidden in my heart for a perishable thing. Oh, how the accursed one catches our hearts with corruptible things - hearts that should be lifted up by grief and should have nothing to do with earthly corruption, with earthly vanity; hearts that must be vigilant about human souls, for we will have to give a word about each soul and about our own most of all. I did not desire either silver... or clothing from anyone [Acts. 20, 33], says the Apostle Paul, the great teacher and zealot for souls redeemed by Christ. By flattering (seducing) with earthly things, acquisitions, the enemy instills in us extreme coldness towards the Lord, towards souls and through covetousness plunges us into a thousand evils, destroying our souls. Covetousness or covetousness is true internal idolatry, renunciation and falling away from God and combination with the enemy. Indifference, contempt for everything earthly: for clothing, for wealth, for honors - there is true Christianity, if at the same time there is kindness, and patience, and abstinence, and alms from the heart. It was not in vain that the Lord said about the covetous and the sensualists: the pagans - pagans, idolaters - are looking for all of this (food, clothing): but your Father knows that you demand these [Russian: because the people of this world are looking for all this; but your Father knows that you have need] [Lk. 12, 30]. Alas for me! Until now, the tempter of the first people captivates me with something pleasant to see (pleasing to the eyes) and good (pleasant) to eat! The enemy never ceases to captivate my heart, my thoughts and stop [...] my charioteer-soul in its flow to God, and my tongue in prayer. Knowing humanity, burdened, raped, suppressed by sin, do not be very strict with it and impatient with human insults, but have pity on everyone and pray for everyone as for yourself, according to the instructions and guidance of the Church. I repent before God: I am grieved at the poor, who, in their poverty and helplessness, deserve all compassion and pity; protect me, Lord, from anger towards Your innocent sheep. God! Open the doors of the rich to Your poor, the doors of hearts and homes: Your generous gifts lie in their treasuries. I thank the Lord for healing my internal illness, some thorn, through communion of the Divine Mysteries during and at the end of the liturgy. At the Neustroevs' the day before, they had a snack and drank tea after the all-night vigil at home. I thank the Lord for overcoming temptations through the power of the prayer of faith during the liturgy and for the Divine life that spilled into my entire being, starting with my lips, after communion of the Holy Mysteries. The slightest doubt - and there would be no life-giving warmth either in the mouth or in the whole being: this is what I experienced. And there are so many temptations at that moment when I take communion! I’m surprised that I haven’t lost interest in sweets until now, and I feel sorry for them for my brother, and that’s why I’m sorely offended! Where is the heavenly heart? Forgive me, Lord, that I place my life in something else, and not in You, the only Life! Forgive me, the idolater who still exists! Just as it is necessary for every animal to breathe, so it is necessary for a priest to contemplate grief and not be seduced by anything worthwhile and not be bound or indignant, and not look at anyone’s face with passion, especially honor or fear, for no one is worthy from those bound by worldly lusts and pleasures to come, or draw near, or serve the King of glory. Because of what trifles I fell today, and fell hard, and was cruelly wounded: I regretted a soft roll for my brother after dinner, imagining that he would still eat a lot after dinner. A greedy person suspects another of greed. And how limited is each person’s need for food and drink! Didn’t God give man this need, and am I not rebelling against God, sparing my brother what he needs for his body? Touching the throne and the tabernacle with sincere faith healed me of fierce passion. Then in the church I was greatly tempted by also a trifle: firstly, by the vestments (they were not given the ones I wanted), secondly, by the fact that the altar watchman Nikolai locked the southern doors for a good reason and himself left the altar during the all-night vigil before kathisma; I was greatly offended by the fact that the southern doors were locked, and I turned back to the northern doors. With trifles, the enemy terribly confuses and worries us due to our impatience and pride. One should not be indignant at anything, at any disorder, because in case of irritation, a new disorder will be added to one or several disorders, instead of one wounded there will be two or more. A necessary consequence of addiction to sweets is enmity against one's brother; The voluptuous man commits two terrible crimes: he becomes addicted to food and hates his brother. The devil is cunning and achieves enormous results with simple means. Damned voluptuousness and love of money are two brothers, the fiends of Satan. Cain, who fled from the place where God appeared to people, is like people fleeing from the church in which God dwells with His faithful. How far am I still from the meekness that the Lord teaches me both through His Theanthropic example and the example of His great saint Nicholas, Archbishop of Myra in Lycia! For what insignificant reasons do I become confused, irritated, and upset! I haven’t yet learned simple lessons, even the most basic ones, from the Christian alphabet. And Saint Nicholas fulfilled to perfection all the Christian virtues and not only knew all the Christian alphabet perfectly, but he knew all Christian wisdom and actively fulfilled it, and therefore became a great hidden place of God's grace. Through his prayers, Lord, have mercy on me, graciously grant me to fulfill Your holy commandments. Teach me meekness, abstinence, non-covetousness, and mercy. How Belial often begs me with anger, greed for food and drink, combined with stinging sweets for one’s neighbor, covetousness, stinginess, and hardness of heart. The saint of God has acquired high humility, rich in poverty, but I have not yet acquired humility, which is the alpha and omega of Christian virtues, and spiritual and physical poverty, which I am still afraid of; I am not yet alien to the passion for the glory of this world, I still delight in praise, I still seek shining clothes and distinctions, and I have not put on Christ internally - my true and bright, incorruptible splendor, in Christ, who became poor for my sake; I still worry about outward appearance, about facial appearance, forgetting that my appearance is Christ, who abides in me, His holiness, meekness, gentleness; I am also voluptuous and intemperate, I still love to collect rather than waste it on the poor, and my heart is sometimes like a stone, cruel and insensitive to the suffering and needs of my neighbors - it is good that it is good for myself. This is what a moral monster I am, how ugly I am in my internal image, from the splendor of which Belial in every possible way wants to turn me away with his vain concern for the beauty of my external image and passionate and sweet vision of the external beauty of people, which is nothing in comparison with the internal, which (internal) we so ignorantly and frivolously pass by. Or here’s my weakness and recklessness: I chase after other people’s burdens or other people’s sins, nourishing an unfulfillable desire to force everyone to live according to the Gospel commandments (or, rather, according to my plan), although I myself am not the first to live according to the perfect law of my God and - alas! - I find a pretext for envy and hatred regarding my brother, and not for regret and brotherly love, when I see that he is devoted to the passions of money, ambition, voluptuousness, vanity. Each one will bear his own burden [Gal. 6, 5]. The akathists glorify the abyss of God’s dear [erdiya] and God’s blessings to the human race, revealed in the incarnation of the Son of God - blessings for which if we brought as many songs as there are grains of sand on earth, then we would not adequately praise and thank God. These akathists should be sung with special love. Let me sing to You with love: Alleluia (praise God). The fragrance of the censer means the fragrance of the shrine of the Lord and the shrine required of a Christian, the fragrance of the shrine of the holy saints of God - as opposed to the stench, the stench of passions. I thank the Lord for the rather large spiritual labors of this day in serving prayers and for performing with tenderness, although in extreme distress of spirit, the Divine Liturgy and the life-giving and peaceful communion of the Divine Mysteries. In the evening I sinned by stinging sweets for my brother: cramped conditions, sorrow, darkness, powerlessness. Until now I am not above worldly merging! I am still bound by worldly lusts and pleasures. And these lusts and pleasures paralyze me at all times, especially during public worship. They mutilate my life, distort it. Through them I fall into captivity of the devil, like Eve and Adam. Great and incurable is the ulcer of my soul. Is it me, such a frequent participant in the Divine Mysteries, or me, the shepherd of souls, the priest of Christ God, who hears and reads His word, or me, the builder of the mysteries of God [1 Cor. 4:1 ], a leader of others to the life above, to be carried away, to bind oneself to pleasures, covetousness, or the glory of this world, which passes away like smoke?.. What a delusion, worthy of tears! What a pathetic skill! Eat and drink! Dress with taste! Collect and save! What a perverted direction of life! I see your intention in me, adversary! Like a fly in honey, I get stuck in sweets and die spiritually! Constantly steal from your voluptuous and satiated flesh and from the flesh of your wife, who also loves sweets and excesses - steal for the benefit of the poor, the hungry, the half-naked, the homeless. If our flesh steals from us daily and hourly our salvation, our peace, freedom, light, strength, boldness, then all the more should we steal from it what it uses illegally, for its voluptuousness. We will give her the necessary food and clothing, but we will take away the excess and give it to others, the poor. Woe to me, the sensualist! Today (December 6) before the liturgy I noticed, and have noticed before, that vanity (the desire for shiny rich vestments) and resistance to the will of the abbot, who does not want to satisfy my claims, is strong in me; I have envy, and stinginess, and greed, and gluttony, and covetousness, and malice! Alas for me! damned sinner! Any stamp of Christian life has been erased from the morals of some Christians because they do not have before their eyes any models of Christian life - the holy saints of God. The Church, knowing all the benefits, all the influence of these models on our lives, presents in the church before our eyes many faces of holy saints: apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, reverend men and women, so that we, looking at these faces, remember the life of these saints and imitate it to the best of our ability. Saints are the personification of true Christianity, or Christianity in person, in reality, in fulfillment. Look at them and learn from them every time all sorts of virtues. Any excess in food and drink greatly strengthens carnal passions, just as fasting weakens and completely eradicates them. Walking are suppressed by the pleasures of life [Russian: departing... are suppressed by the pleasures of life] [Lk. 8, 14]. Through excess in food and drink, strength increases, the power of the enemy over us leaves grace. We do not have the Holy Spirit - the material spirit abides. A priest, who must embrace the whole world with the love of his heart and pray unceasingly for the whole world and for every Christian soul, must be above all passions, must be all things heavenly (mountain), sublime, and not be seduced by anything temporary. He must be an eagle soaring above all, an Angel in the flesh. I finish my accounts of food and drink and sweets with my household in the name of the Lord. Eating and drinking goes on as usual, both at home and by me. I want grief to mature steadily. I thank the Lord for the gift of prayer: it cleanses, sanctifies, enlivens, pacifies, lightens the soul and makes the body healthy; The Kingdom of God is established in my entire being through sincere prayer, and with the establishment of the Kingdom of God all external blessings come to me, according to the word of the Lord: Seek first the Kingdom of God and its righteousness, and all these (external blessings) will be added to you [Matt. 6, 33]. December 7, 1870. Alas for me! Again I was left ashamed of my passions. I thought about Father Deacon Peter Al. that he stole two rubles - he did not write them down in the mug on December 6, while the elder did not send the proskomid money that day, having promised to send it tomorrow. The whole matins (he stood, did not serve) was in captivity of Belial, confused, bound, darkened, spiritually dead and could not read the prayers of the lamp and for communion, irritated, embittered with the father of the deacon - and all this because of two rubles. Oh, how quick I am to sin and condemn my brother! How impatient and unwaiting! How Belial possesses me through the womb! How necessary it is to despise the womb! Father Matthew came up to me, strong in spirit, but I was powerless in spirit, confused, bound; He spoke about a special priest in the Duma church and about his thoughts regarding this subject, which he outlined in writing and forwarded to me. Stick to the old ones and the elders - only after them you can do something. Every day is excess! Every day is excess! Alas for me! Alas for me! Every day I give weapons to the enemy against me, and he deftly strikes me with my own weapons - my own sweets. Every beauty, every earthly sweetness, every earthly acquisition is a thorn for the soul and body when I am partial to them - and I am almost always partial. Blessed is the one who is not bound by anything earthly, not seduced by this smoke, but sees the mountain, to the eternal Good, to the eternal Life, to the eternal Beauty and Sweetness, to the eternal Treasure. May everything be for me and the Lord in me as in the saints! Yes, I live not for myself, but for You, our Master and Benefactor. But to live for oneself means to eat and drink sweetly, to love money, to envy, to be proud, to condemn, to be angry, to be at enmity, to act fornication, to be cowardly, to grumble, to be lazy, and not to submit to the superiors. Every day the Lord feeds me with tuna, not only with perishable food, but also with incorruptible food - His Body and Blood! Glory to Thee, Lord! But why does Judas remain uncorrected? The ethereal enemy is waging terrible enmity against me, trying in every possible way to destroy my peace of mind and produce a storm of anger in me, especially during worship or during class. Terrible war! So, today he caused me confusion and indignation (similar to anger) at the sexton Kutuzov for singing quickly during the liturgy. How close was the danger of becoming completely upset and disturbed in spirit during the communion itself and after! Only faith held me back. So he created a storm in me today in class, crowding, embarrassing and striking me with shame while telling an unsteady lesson from the service, arousing laughter in the 5th grade students; anger exploded inside me. I thank the Lord for the sweet peace and life-giving warmth in my mouth and throughout my whole being after receiving the Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood! Before communion there was a painful relaxation in the soul and body, tightness, melancholy; after communion, all this disappeared: suddenly I revived, strengthened, and rejoiced. Outside of the grace of God, I am a scoundrel, a scoundrel, an envious person, greedy, prodigal, crafty, frantic, cowardly, impatient, wayward, stubborn, ambitious, vain and vain, and so on. All my wealth is the grace of God: without it I am wretched, poor, poor, blind and naked. Glory to the grace of God! Glory to the many bounties of the Lord! How to acquire or preserve the grace of God? Fasting, prayer, almsgiving. Look at the wealth of grace in the fasters and prayer books: in Elijah, in the Baptist, Basil the Great, Gregory the Theologian, John Chrysostom, Anthony, Savva, Ephraim, Isaac the Syrian and others. How close to me is victory over invisible enemies and the peace, boldness, tenderness associated with it, and the most cruel defeat, accompanied by shame, sorrow, darkness, despondency! It is not the beggars who need us, but the beggars who need us, or the beggars do not need us so much as the beggars need us, for through them we are justified and brought into the Kingdom of Heaven. Everywhere there is a fierce war of enemies against me: at home, in church during worship, in the classroom while teaching, on the road, while performing various prayers and the Sacraments! Only then there is no war when I live in the flesh, as they say, for health, for pleasure. The Church is the vital focus in which Divine life, power, light, truth, holiness are concentrated; whoever often comes here with faith and zeal will certainly always draw here for his soul life, strength, light, purification, justification, holiness, truth; and whoever moves away from it, death is established in him, powerlessness for virtue and strength for evil, the ferocity of passions, darkness, sinful impurity, delusion and lies are multiplied. All who remove themselves from You perish [Ps. 72, 27]. He who is not with the Church is not with Christ. If anyone does not abide in Me, he will be cast out like a rod and dry up: and... they put him into the fire and will burn up [Russian: Whoever does not abide in Me will be cast out like a branch and wither; and such branches... are thrown into the fire, and they burn] [Jn. 15, 6]. How faithfully and firmly did the holy saints of God move towards the great goal of purification and salvation of the soul! How incorrectly, lazily, weakly we move, and sometimes even not at all, towards this goal we, devoted to worldly pleasures! So, for example, I would like to fast, eat bread and drink only water, but then carnal reasoning comes (alas! and the mind becomes carnal) and says that such fasting is foolish given the abundance of earthly blessings, which seem to be asking themselves for me, for, living in a city full of all sorts of blessings, I have the means to buy everything, that such fasting is harmful to health, but will not say that it is harmful to the soul, which is most important; and so I, carried away by skill and such carnal wisdom, do not care about fasting and during fasting I allow myself plenty of sweets, and I give food for sin to the sin-loving, multi-passionate flesh, I change only the type and quality of food, but not the quantity. Carnal, blind wisdom destroys the souls of many Christians, making them opponents of the teachings of Christ the Savior and His Holy Church, which established everything wisely. From the beginning of December 1870 there were severe frosts of twenty to twenty-five degrees. On St. Andrew’s day it was also frosty, but not very cold: six to seven degrees. Early mass in Duma at nine o'clock. I thank the Lord for the cleansing of my many sins by the Divine Mysteries and for the heavenly peace, joy, freedom and spaciousness of spirit given to me by the ineffable bounty of God after consuming the Holy Gifts and earlier - after communion at the Liturgy. I sinned grievously at home - I fell into the temptation of anger and bitterness towards the servant Anna for not wanting to put firewood in the stove in order. I sinned - I was embarrassed, lost my temper, got angry. But the Lord accepted my prayer of repentance and again transformed confusion into peace, cowardice into boldness, darkness into light. I should not be angry, but, if possible, quietly, meekly, without noise, correct the fault of my neighbor, and remember that I myself sometimes do much more important things carelessly, and take the fault of a subordinate as a lesson to myself, and just as I wish myself leniency from my superiors or my peers, so should I also be lenient towards those guilty before me. I commit thousands of sins every day, and as the Lord endures, He forgives me many every day! But I don’t want to move a little? Who is without stumbling blocks? I sinned before the Lord and my neighbors: I again regretted the expensive and pleasant food of my family - caviar - under the pretext that I bought it often, it turns out a lot, that now fasting is not a delicacy, that it would be better to give this money to the poor. No, crafty flesh, do not make excuses: I see your greed, your cunning. You don’t feel sorry for yourself, but others feel sorry for you! Forgive me, Lord! My being was already infected with the poison of the devil, the flames of hell, overwhelmed by malice! Love does not spare anything for its neighbor and cares about his good as about his own; does not envy, does not rejoice over his stumbling; rejoices at his successes and rejoices with him in all good things; mourns his sorrow if it is righteous, pities him if it is vain, and prays to God for admonition and consolation. Resurrection. Early Liturgy with Matins preceding it. I served with God’s help peacefully and sincerely, but when I went to burn incense at Khvalitekh and came to the image depicting the Savior saving the drowning Peter, I remembered Father Matthew, who arranged this image for the parishioners’ offerings, and I hated him in my heart, and envied him for his great wealth, according to the action of the enemy. And he was so greatly wounded by Satan, bound and darkened, that he barely begged the Lord with sincere repentance and contrition of heart, and ended Matins safely. I think the devil put in me the thought of Father Matthew’s wealth in order to arouse in my heart a feeling of envy and malice (oh, the cunning of the enemy!); I myself desired his wealth, damned one, while we must philosophize above and despise worldly wealth and acquisitions, like Christ the Lord and the apostles, who left everything. And what am I myself deprived of from the Lord, what blessings, even material ones, in order to envy the wealth of a brother, wealth for the sake of which souls are exposed to terrible danger - to lose the Kingdom of God due to addiction to them? I have been gifted with everything from the Lord. I am abundant in everything and must thank the Lord, and show Christian love to the rich brother, for his soul is dearer than the whole world, although he is partial to wealth and perishes for the sake of addiction, and pray to God that He will admonish him to use [wealth] for the salvation of his soul. I must look at my sins, which are countless, and correct myself. If I chase after the sins of others, then I will have no time to heal my own: there are thousands of sick people in my house - they all need to be cured, and before the strangers - after. Sergeev's handsome-looking student is a big negliger 169 according to the Law of God, lazy, mocking, disrespectful. After communion, I was granted divine remission and cleansing of sins, heavenly peace, joy, boldness, and strength. He served Mass with tenderness and tears, peacefully, loudly, and with a free heart. God bless! The prayer service was served with tenderness and without stumbling. From satiety the passions act more powerfully: envy, malice, greed or stinginess, love of money, pride and conceit, ambition and vanity, fornication, laziness; Gluttony is an evil weapon of an evil demon. Excess food and drink, taken internally, without being assimilated by the body, irritates the organs, and with them the soul, closely connected with them, and produces in it illness, discontent and greed for more, because in it there is no one thing needed - God, or His grace, His peace, for God is all-perfect contentment, and he who has God in his heart desires nothing. Who is in my heaven? and with You I want nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart faint: God is the rock of my heart and my portion forever [Ps. 72, 25–26]. Our flesh is deceitful: it sometimes sighs that our neighbor is very rich and has nowhere to put his wealth, which lies in vain in the treasury, that he does not give to the poor, but in fact is ready to take possession of his wealth herself and alone to move into the land 170 so that, if possible, she can enjoy all the benefits alone. One should not believe it, for every person, including me, is a lie [Ps. 115, 2 ]; one must be content with little and give from little to the poor in hope of God, the Father of generosity, and work out one’s salvation with fear, be inflamed with love for God, and save one’s neighbors. If a small, but not meager fortune is the cause of our gluttony, and satiety, and arrogance, and pride, then what would happen if we began to possess great wealth? We would completely fall away from God and destroy our souls. All who remove themselves from You perish [Ps. 72, 27]. Why am I, besides my God, the true, eternal Treasure, looking for perishable treasures, thinking in them to find my life, my contentment, my security, my happiness? Isn’t every good thing for me God, the Treasure of good things, the ever-flowing Source? What about the Body and Blood of God? Is this not a treasure infinitely better than all earthly treasures and without the slightest comparison with them? If the Lord gave Himself to us for food and drink (a terrible word!), then how can He not give us everything with Himself? 171 Let us only seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, let us love Him ardently, sincerely, and each other. Will you be responsible for Father Matthew's brother? Do not envy his many treasures. Acquire the eternal treasure - God, and a pure heart. I thank You, Lord my God, for in my grave illness (in Lent) you did not put me to death along with my iniquities, but you mercifully raised me up from the bed of my illness; I thank Ty, for you did not drown me in the waves of the sea, when I was twice in extreme danger, especially when we were returning from the village of Raivolova. The Church constantly proclaims the greatness, truth, holiness, goodness, wisdom, truth, mercy and generosity and the endless love of God for the human race, manifested especially in the Bloodless Sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Christ and the mystery of Baptism, this renewal and renewal of ours. But the adulterous and sinful world loves to remain silent and not proclaim the great deeds of our God and attribute everything visible in the world to some impersonal nature. I love the Church of God, the loud proclaimer of the works of our God, and I rejoice and triumph with her, singing the glory of my God, my life, my breath, my joy. Thursday. I thank the Lord for the speedy deliverance from the enmity that flared up against Alexandra Prokofiev in the Petrovs’ apartment, whose father and husband died: the inner prayer of faith soon saved me; Soon the Lord extinguished the hellish fire of malice, took away confusion, cramped conditions, sorrow, and shame on the face. Glory to You, Lord, long-suffering and abundantly merciful! (Why did the enemy make me angry? Because I didn’t bow properly, but casually. I then thought: who is more zealous for us than Alexandra Konstantinovna when I’m in her house? Who is more zealous for the church? With this justification, the anger completely died out. So try to justify everyone, if possible, from the devil’s slander.) Put on... mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering [Col. 3, 12]. Leave stinginess and pity for sweets: this is a grave sin, it is always combined with envy and enmity towards your neighbor. Be generous, let your heart abound in goodness and not in malice. Remember the words of the Savior: I came that they might have life and have it more abundantly [Jn. 10, 10]. Desire and give more than what your neighbors take. Speak: would you like more? Speak sincerely, not sparing anything in your soul for others, just as you do not regret anything for yourself. In the stinginess and pity of food and drink for one's neighbor lies satanic enmity against God and one's neighbor, blasphemy against God, His goodness, generosity, omnipotence, and wisdom. The stingy one bows to his idol and forgets the Provider God. With his stinginess he ruins the entire law at once. Deprive yourself of everything, but never spare anything for your brother; Don't be a Judas. I thank the Lord for celebrating the Liturgy with tenderness and for the uncondemned acceptance of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord, for the cleansing of my sins, for sanctification, for sweet peace, freedom, tenderness, boldness, strength, light. God! Who am I, unclean and filthy, evil, envious, money-loving, voluptuous, intemperate, cowardly, etc., that You gave me a good testimony through the disembodied enemy, when, cold from unclean spirits (Michael), came to me for advice, for confession and communion? It is true for you, Lord, but I am ashamed of my face, as if I am bound by all sorts of sins. May the demonic seduction depart from me. Vem 173 my damnation. Give your brother freedom in food and drink, just as you give yourself freedom. He who is greedy and stingy has an earthly heart, partial to earthly goods, alien to heavenly love. And such a heart is idolatrous. Flee addiction: it is spiritual death. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me again to perform the unfailingly early liturgy and to partake without condemnation of His Divine Mysteries, who has healed my illness and infirmity, the troubles of the enemy that surrounded me, who has removed me and given me deep peace. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer gave me heavenly fire in my heart during the all-night vigil and tears of tenderness with prayer for people; I tearfully asked the Lord for this fire for all people, so that no one in the church would be cold, would not stand skinny and poor, but everyone would burn with the blessed fire. Christ, Sveta pronounced loudly and fully. I didn't say sorry. He stole his last leave, saying his last words. After the all-night vigil, I was tempted with the beggars: there were a lot of them; He gave it to everyone, although he didn’t want to, after the tip before Vespers and after Vespers; served with a reprimand. He was angry with the boys because they kept asking, not being satisfied with what was given; He pulled one boy by the hair lightly and caught him like prey. I shouted at them with my heart - I sinned! The Lord, it is said, loves the stranger and gives him bread and robe [Russian: loves the stranger and gives him bread and clothing] [Deut. 10, 18]. O Lord, grant to all the strangers in our city, the beggars and the needy, bread, and a robe, and shelter, for many are without bread, and clothing, and shelter. For the sake of the poor, sacrifice voluntary poverty and a meek, merciful and generous heart. Those who are merciful to the poor and to their neighbors in general are followed everywhere by the mercy of God and people - mercy in times of peace and war, during life and after death, at the very Judgment of Christ. What more could a merciful man wish for? How can one not willingly show mercy? How not to sacrifice for Christ in order to receive great mercy from Christ? The Old Testament writings and songs are read and sung as a reminder that in the Old Testament the Savior promised, and in the New He came according to the promise, that there is one Lord of the Old and New Testaments, who acted in both, that He is the Creator of the world and man and the Creator of all miracles both in the Old and New Testaments, that He is the faithful and true witness [Rev. 3, 14 ], Who, just as he fulfilled everything that was predicted in the Old Testament, will fulfill everything that was predicted in the New Testament and what has not yet been fulfilled, but was predicted in the Old Testament. The Lutherans and the English fell away from the body of the Church - that is their whole problem. And if you fall away, there is no salvation. The Lord is the Savior only of the body of the Church. The Holy Church, with its worship and icons, intends to depict, as if in a picture of the fate of the world and the human race, all the great events in the world, especially the creation of the world, man, his primitive bliss, his fall, expulsion from paradise, repentance, the promise of the Redeemer, preparation for accepting Him, God’s education of the human race in the Old Testament, the appearance of the Savior, His entire life from the swaddling clothes to the tomb, resurrection and Ascension, His Last Supper, in which our redemption from sins is accomplished. Why am I still a lover of money and do not trust in the Lord, who constantly provides for everyone? Why don’t I provide with love for all the poor, as the Lord provides for me, giving me everything abundantly for life and pleasure? Why am I irritated by the multitude of beggars because they only turn to me? Why am I running from the will of God? Why am I indignant at money lovers and bitterly complaining about them to God, when I myself have not yet torn out the roots of the love of money from my heart, just as I have not yet abandoned my lust? Resurrection. Late mass. I thank the Lord, who has taken away from my heart the tightness of the enemy, the coldness of my soul, and who has granted me to celebrate the Liturgy with warmth of heart and with tears of tenderness. He received communion, by the grace of God, calmly, with faith; I felt the life-giving warmth from drinking the Blood of the Lord. Wonderful liturgy! Divine Liturgy! Most heavenly liturgy! (There was no sermon.) Our Father, Who is in heaven. If our fatherland is in heaven, then it is clear that we are strangers and strangers here, but in heaven we are permanent residents. Oh, if we always remembered this! I got angry with Father Deacon Peter in church during a prayer service for being absent-minded. The enemy strongly incited hatred, and I got carried away. Even when remembering Father Deacon, through the action of the devil, hellish anger kindled in the heart; I only overcame it with strong inner prayer. Al received communion and confessed. Timofeevich Sidorov, who constantly imagined the dark visions of 174 crafty demons, and he constantly looked around with fear and drove them away. I thank the Lord for the gift of celebrating the Liturgy without stumbling, with boldness, warmth and tenderness, and for the uncondemned acceptance of the Divine Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood. Oh, what a Divine, deep, sweet peace I tasted after receiving the Body and Blood of my God, what tearful tenderness I received from the most gifted God! Glory to Your bounty, Lord! In the evening, returning home after giving prayer to the mother in childbirth in the Kashina house in the basement and after giving alms to many beggars, I met several beggar boys, some of whom came to me another time for alms - in my hearts I threw Philip at the beggar boy with the epitrachelion (a symbol of grace), in which there was a breviary! Oh, impudence! Oh, impatience! Oh, cruelty! Oh, malice! Oh, stinginess! Oh, covetousness, disguised as almsgiving! Oh, hateful voluptuousness! Don’t believe, don’t trust yourself, man, when it seems to you that you are doing too much for the poor, when you have been giving alms for a long time! Remember that this is your direct responsibility! Just so that we remember the poor [Gal. 2, 10]. Do God’s work with joy and immediately drive away despondency, anger and murmuring from your soul, knowing that this is despondency of flesh and blood, that this is the murmuring of the flesh, always ready to eat and drink, indulge in voluptuousness, dress up, indulge in all sorts of passions, live for oneself and not for others. And you, servant of Christ, remember that you promise your Lord daily - not to anyone 175 to live for yourself, but to Him, our Master and Benefactor; and to live for Him means to live for His members, for people, especially the poor and poor. Be willing to submit to hardship for the sake of Christ. As a sleeping man, that is, when people ate, drank, collected earthly wealth, indulged in voluptuousness, committed fornication, and had fun, his enemy came [Matt. 13, 25]. I marvel at God’s goodness, mercy and long-suffering, that the Lord has not yet handed me over to Belial for my evil behavior and various sins, but, having handed me over to Satan as punishment for a short time to test his cruelty, he soon again took me out of his jaws, from fire and cramped conditions. I praise Divine mercy, truth and patience. During the trial of the guilty, the crime and the instruments with which it was committed are usually presented as evidence; at the Last Judgment, all our crimes will be revealed to the whole world: there will be no need for evidence - all crimes will be before the eyes of everyone with all the circumstances. Grant me, O Lord, the grace to joyfully give alms to all the poor, for for every alms given with humility, simplicity and meekness, You have prepared a hundredfold reward; but grief and rage, unkindness when giving alms, greatly reduce its price, although even such a giver will not destroy his bribe, as the example of Peter the Publican shows 176. But let us not be lazy and do not regret giving the tuna that we have received from You, Lord, for great and ineffable are Your mercies towards us sinners, not according to our deeds, not according to our deeds. For what are we worthy of according to our deeds? Thousands of executions: for our malice, for pride, for envy, enmity, hatred, waywardness and stubbornness, effeminacy, grumbling, for gluttony and delicacy, for gluttony and drunkenness, for lust and deeds, for the love of money and turning the heart away from You, for wickedness, frivolous laughter, idle talk. When giving alms, do not worry that you will have nothing to help your poor relatives - to pay for the education of nephews and nieces: God sends to everyone, for the Lord especially provides for the merciful for their provision for the poor, as can be seen in the righteous Philaret the Merciful 177. Do not be jealous of rich comrades who are wicked and do not want to give alms: those who are wicked will be consumed because of their wealth, and those who endure the Lord will inherit the earth [Russian: for those who do evil will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will inherit the earth] [Ps. 36, 9]. Their own sins and those of others suppress them and can completely suppress them. You take care of overthrowing your sinful burden, and let the rich take care of themselves, about overthrowing their burden and the burdens of others that rest on them. Do not envy, do not envy, but pity and use your freedom in using God’s material gifts. Our needs are small - give the excess to the poor. Rejoice that you can serve the Lord Himself daily in the person of His lesser brothers, and do not degrade the work of mercy with grief, rage, or irritation towards the poor, so that your goodness is not blasphemed. The Lord is truly an inexhaustible Treasure for me, as I have learned this through thousands of experiences. And if He is an inexhaustible Treasure, then may I have Him always abiding in me: and with Him this good life will never fail, and He will give me eternal life. The Lord gave me Himself with eternal life and eternal blessings; What else do I need, what am I looking for in this life? Is it wealth? He is my wealth. Is it honorable? He is my highest honor. Are there sweets? He is endless sweetness. Are they robes? He is my bright robe. So, distribute perishable blessings, so that you will be worthy of incorruptible ones; Avoid corruptible sweets, so that you may be rewarded with incorruptible ones; despise the beauty of perishable clothing, so that you may be worthy of incorruptible clothing, clothing of eternal glory. But how can I make up for my voluptuousness, my daily satiety, my luxury in clothing, in the decoration of my home? For even for this we must give an answer to God; also because I don’t spare anything for myself, no expensive sweets, no expensive clothes, no expensive furnishings in my home, but I spare my neighbor, my brother, and the poor a few kopecks and tens of kopecks. What answer will I give for my extreme pride? He performed mass with tenderness, calmly, loudly, but during communion the enemy angered the priest because he sang mass quickly, after I had asked him several times not to rush. Away with you, most absurd malice, causing me so much trouble, confusing me with your ghosts and bringing [on] me extreme shame! God! Remove from me every inclination toward malice. It is better for me to perform the service intelligently 178 than to read prayers out loud, which takes quite a lot of time, especially when tempted by the enemy. You must have the wisdom of a serpent and the integrity of a dove. I had been in the bathhouse since the evening, and my body was hot and irritable. During Matins, I was tempted by the hardness of heart and the intractability of Father Matthew’s alms. In the wrong hands, the piece seems painfully large. It is a great thing to be a refuge for many: in this we are somewhat like the Lord Himself and His Most Pure Mother and some saints. I thank You, O Lord, Lover of Mankind, my Intercessor, for You did not completely betray me to the mental dragon, which stung me yesterday with anger at the reader for his fault, real or imaginary. I, who eat the Flesh and Blood of the Lamb of God, must most of all be a gentle lamb. Morning. I thank the Lord with all my heart, for he made it possible for me to perform Matins without stumbling in front of a significant number of pilgrims and freed me from the temptations and snares of fierce demons. Calmly, loudly, solemnly I served with God’s help. May the Lord always grant me this. By heartfelt pronunciation of litanies and prayers in general, God’s blessing is invoked and descended on all church fulfillment and the union of all classes in the state is sealed with bonds of peace and love, mutual respect increases. Therefore, all clergy must always diligently pray to God for all the fulfillment of the Church (that is, the fullness of the body of the Church). Because of a mere trifle, sometimes a person becomes indignant in spirit, gets irritated, embittered, and makes a storm in a glass of water. What's the reason? – Extreme pride and self-will, combined with pride. Do not be angry at the large number of the poor - they are sent to you by the Lord, who has given you the means to help them: what is given must be distributed; But how would you distribute if the poor did not flock to you, did not flock to you like birds? If you give everything away, some will stop coming to you, and some will come again and again for your own good. But thank God that your needs are all satisfied by the Lord and you do not lack anything with your wife and relatives; Give your surplus willingly to the poor, and live not for yourself, but for the Lord, your Lord and Benefactor, so that, having left this temporary life, you may achieve everlasting peace; look to the future, not [to] the present. Exhaust your flesh with labor and abstinence, and do not tire it out with satiety or the worries of this life. Most merciful Lord, I thank You with all my heart, for You have granted me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy of Basil the Great with tenderness and tears, and to partake without condemnation of Your Divine Mysteries, and to overcome the feeling and passion of enmity that arose in my heart when greeting my father’s brother, Archpriest Matthew, who seemed to negligently respond to my greeting, and having come to church, did not venerate the main altar, before which there was a service, in order to avoid my greeting. God! May evil never touch me forever, may I always conquer evil with good, may I constantly be vigilant over my heart, may it always be the temple of the Holy Spirit. For the church of God is holy; and this church is you [1 Cor. 3, 17]. (Conquer the malice of your heart with the conviction that I am worse than everyone else, and not others.) I thank the Lord, who has saved me many times this day from my secret sins. With all your might, achieve such a state of mind that you can sincerely hate every sin and sincerely love every virtue. This will make you dear to God, the Angels and all well-meaning people. By the grace of God, the grace of the holy life-giving Mysteries and the power of prayers, the dark visions of 181 evil demons from the verbal 182 creature bearing the name of Christ Alexei Timofeevich Sidorov were driven away, and the patient received healing. I learned about this today from his wife. December 24. The sick Alexandra, an officer's wife in the house of Ivan Timofeevich Sidorov, was also healed by our prayer. December 24. Thanks be to the Life-Giving Lord! Glory to His bounties! God brings grief, and the devil is down; God to life, and the devil to destruction. Today (December 25 - the Nativity of Christ), while removing particles from the prosphoras at the proskomedia, the devil captivated me through greed and envy (that the prosphoras were all big and good) and darkened, constrained, confused, weakened me; Only sincere prayer, intense and deep, saved me from complete defeat and shame. Satan enticed me so much through earthly addictions! And before the beginning of the liturgy, when I began to put on the clothes assigned for the early liturgy - not to my taste, the enemy embarrassed me greatly and oppressed me with indignation at the archpriest for being stingy in giving decent vestments for the holiday. But the thought that the Creator of the sky was born according to humanity in a wretched den, reclined in a manger and swaddled in wretched, simple swaddling clothes, humbled and calmed me, and I gave up the desire for shiny vestments. This is how the passions of my heart are expressed - in the church, where every person should be heavenly and be entirely in God! Oh, how miserable are our passions! How good, on the contrary, to cleave to God! What peace, what lightness! For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? [Mk. 8, 36]. In fact, in the heart of almost every person there is a desire, due to the depravity of nature, to possess the treasures of all people and the whole world and carelessness about one’s soul! We want and seek everything, but not the salvation of our souls. Despite such depravity of our hearts, the Holy Church daily puts into our mouths a prayer for the salvation of our souls. What is the enemy's intention in a card game? Occupy the soul with vanity, immerse it in earthly things and remove it from God. All earthly addictions originated from the first addiction to the forbidden fruit, from disobedience to the will of God and obedience to the devil. Now, willy-nilly, he draws us to earthly things. He pitied his own property for his neighbor, and envied the property of others. I sinned before God through greed. But my contentment is in God: in Him is the fullness of life. Don’t feel sorry for your own and (don’t envy someone else) don’t covet someone else’s, always desire one God with all your heart and be always united with Him in your soul: then you will be content and at peace. And nothing earthly satisfies our heart. The old woman at the Moscow Hotel in the Murashov House recovered from her illness by the grace of God when she received the Divine Mysteries from my unworthy hands. Glory to the Divine Mysteries! She took unction. How greedy are we all for pleasures and how do we rush to the bait of pleasure without considering the consequences of pleasure, which are often very sad? We have been given reason, and we must think, understand, what will be the consequence of a certain deed or such and such pleasure? According to this consideration, it often turns out that instead of pleasure, it would be better for us to be subjected to sorrow, as an antidote to the sin hidden in the depths of our hearts. It is better to give your own to the poor than someone else's. Let the rich pay for their sins themselves, but if they want to donate their goods for distribution, do not refuse. Love for God consists in hating evil. Lovers of the Lord, hate evil! - says the holy psalmist. Ps. 96, 10. I thank You, Lord, for the miracle of Your mercy in delivering me from the devil’s malice, when I, sitting at morning tea with my brother Alexei and my wife and having a painful hostility towards the former - all for the sake of bread and salt and money, stood up and in prayer raised the eyes of my heart and body to the image of Your Crucifixion (in the dining room), praying to heartily deliver me from the remorse of the serpent. “The sins melted away, the oppression passed, after the darkness light shone in the soul, the satanic dreams disappeared. Glory to Your power, Lord! Having visited the current holiday of the Nativity of Christ in St. Petersburg, I was exposed to extreme danger regarding my health and life itself. From walking a lot in the center of St. Petersburg, I got a scrofulous cold in my throat, and when I began to eat meat at the table in one house (Deacon Nesvitsky), a piece stopped in my throat, and I almost choked on the pulp. With great difficulty and pain, I had to skip even empty tea. After stopping in my throat, I left the table and stood on all fours on the floor - there was no point. They invited a doctor and inserted a probe into my throat: only a small piece of hazel grouse came out, nothing more. At the seminary I took an emetic from a paramedic, and after that there was no benefit. Then in St. Petersburg I suffered greatly for three days: the day was like night, and the night was like day - such terrible, restless dreams! He could neither eat nor drink almost anything: it was with great difficulty that he passed liquids and soaked crumbs of bread. This attack happened on December 29th. He went home, on the advice of a doctor, on January 1, 1871, Friday. It was difficult to travel. They invited Doctor Wester at home and calmed me down with words, but that didn’t make it any easier for me. I spent the night restlessly. The dreams are restless, hellish, painful, stupid, chaos!.. This is after the road! The next nights get better and better! Now I thank the Lord, who tempted me and saved me from death! I was deservedly punished for my greed. January 6, 1871. Glory to Thee, Lord! What in me develops and has developed scrofula to the extreme, to the point that it suffocates me, crushes me, in St. Petersburg? By the way, it seems to me that lean food cannot produce such healthy juices as fast food: milk, eggs, meat, etc. A patient with scrofula, and to such a strong extent as I, needs to eat fresh, juicy, light food, and such food is modest. Morning. Lord All-Holy! I thank You, for by the power of the Cross you saved me from unclean devilish dreams and from the defilement of prodigal defilement. In the evening I forgot to protect myself and my bed with the sign of the cross, and unclean dreams began. I woke up, protected myself and the bed with the sign of the cross, and they were no longer there. Glory to Thee, Cross, guardian of spiritual and physical purity! Thank you to the Lord, who showed me complete healing from a serious illness - a pain in my throat, which did not allow me to swallow anything hard and thick, so that at the slightest carelessness I could choke. Today I celebrated the Liturgy and was honored with the longed-for communion of the Holy, life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood of my Lord Jesus Christ. I attended the removal of the body of the servant of God Veniamin Zemnov in the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God. All the grace that I receive from reading the Gospel and the Bible, the writings of the holy fathers and the lives of the saints is destroyed daily by my gluttony and satiety! Alas for me, a sinner, voluptuous and unclean! When will I [not] pour water into a dish with holes? How long to build on sand? How long to beat the air? How long to write on the water? Give an accusatory lesson about not going to the Jordan. Glory and thanksgiving to the all-merciful Lord! The fierce disease, from which I, in my cowardice, did not expect to be healed, laryngeal inflammation, passed, passed, the network was crushed, and I got rid of it, and again I enjoy health, according to the goodness of the Lord, and again I taste the sweetness of the gifts of the Lord, and especially the Divine Mysteries, the Body and Blood of God! Again I was not abandoned, but sought and pardoned; apparently, he was thrown like a worthless vessel, but was found and picked up; despised - and exalted again! I will sing and sing to the Lord, who has done good to me! 183 What sin do I not have? Every sin had and has a place in me: self-love, pride, insolence, deceit, malice, envy, fornication, greed, intemperance, delicacy, covetousness and love of money, negligence in the work of God, absent-mindedness, vanity, addiction to earthly things during the celebration of the Heavenly Mysteries, ill-will, malice, coldness towards one’s neighbor, carelessness about him benefit, laziness, suspicion, irritability, despondency, cowardice in illness and adversity, grumbling, inappropriate laughter. I constantly commit all sorts of sins, and I am perplexed by every answer, 184 and I cannot and do not dare to judge anyone, for I see myself as having surpassed the sins of every person. No one, truly, has sinned on earth from time immemorial, just as I, the accursed one, have sinned. January 8, 1871. May God judge Father Matthew and his wife; May God humble them! May God make them feel all the vanity of their wealth, in which they hope, in which they boast and exalt themselves, and because of which they jump on everyone! Through the church, worship, Sacraments, rituals, through holy icons, our holy faith is always before us, so to speak, embodied, obvious, visual; our faith and hope are stronger; love is stronger and more alive. Carnal love is the scourge and destruction of holy, Divine love; whoever loves according to the flesh will dislike the first person he comes across with an unpleasant face for some reason, for no reason at all, and will love only those who are pleasant in person or give him pleasure, benefit, who love him, are favorable to him, or do not do anything unpleasant or harmful to him, and he does not even think about love for his enemies: it is higher than his meaning, feelings and deeds. So, carnal love is a scourge, the destruction of God’s love. In addition to the fact that she is exceptional, she is short-sighted and blind: she does not see the shortcomings in her beloved, but only carnal perfections. Nos. 6 and 7 to Father Theodore and groom Vasily Komarov about non-wedding. I thank the Lord, who has now made me worthy to celebrate the early liturgy and partake of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries into the world of spiritual powers. I sinned during lunch: I ate a lot of unleavened milk with cottage cheese [...]. This made me feel weak. I thank the Lord, who granted grace and strength to perform the all-night vigil on Sunday, January 10, 1871. There were tears of tenderness. I thank the Lord for a peaceful, serene and sound sleep last night, after evening prayer, reading akathists and the canon to the Savior and Guardian Angel. What peace and tranquility in the soul after fervent prayer! How good it is to pray sincerely, with tears! And in church one must also say all prayers sincerely. Sincere prayers are the key to peace of mind! The Lord our God is so simple and unenviously giving that whatever we ask of Him in the simplicity of our hearts with faith and hope, He gives immediately or soon. Therefore, we must always offer prayers to Him sincerely, without hesitation, without being overcome by the storm of the enemy, aroused in our hearts during public prayer. For this storm is the ghost of the enemy, letting out winds from around the corner. At the great entrance, we usually remember the emperor and the entire royal house, the Synod, the bishop and all Orthodox Christians: this remembrance is significant and has great power with God for the sake of the sacrifice of the Son of God on the cross, like a prayer for the remembrance of the thief hanging on the cross. Therefore, it is necessary to remember the names at the great entrance as sincerely as possible, without any hesitation, or coldness, or fear of demonic and human ones. And I, a great sinner, suffer from mental illness, coldness, lethargy of heart, insincerity, and cowardly fear when pronouncing names at the great entrance. May the Lord heal my mental illness and help me with His grace to say everything and do it sincerely, without fear, during the service. For who should we be afraid of during the priestly service, when the forces of heaven invisibly serve with us?.. Hidden sins, passions frighten me, the spirits of malice nesting in me confuse me with various ghosts. May the Lord destroy 185 them with His grace. Seeing convicts or prisoners in chains, remember your internal shackles, with which our sin and passions have bound and bind us daily, and mourn your sad situation. For internal bonds are incomparably more terrible than external bonds, because they can remain with us for all eternity if we do not repent of our sins from the bottom of our hearts. You have loosed my bonds, O Lord. I will offer you a sacrifice of praise, and I will call on the name of the Lord [Ps. 115, 7–8]. The earthly sting incessantly irritates me; sting me, O Lord, with the sting of Thy heavenly love! For Your sting is the sting of life and peace, and the sting of the earth is the sting of death and languor. Our enemies, with our prudence, teach us Christian wisdom and pleasing to God. Were you insulted? And you pray for the offender. Does the devil incite you to anger and impatience, to humiliation and insult of the one who insulted you? And you show kindness, meekness towards the offender; justify internally, have pity on him, be condescending to him; tell yourself: it is not he, but the devil who is arming himself against me, he incites him to constantly be at enmity against me, to envy me - and such and such an enemy is my brother, equally created in the image of God, redeemed, a participant in prayers, in the service of God, in the gifts of God. Yes, look: is there any malice or envy and ill will nesting in you towards your brother? If so, then immediately throw away all evil towards your brother from your heart and sincerely wish him well: then he too will change towards you. For we have a sense of the love and malice of others. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me with His grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling (except for the reprimand of the names of the royal house at the great entrance) and to partake of the Divine Brush without condemnation. At the thanksgiving service, I could not pronounce the main, fundamental word in the thanksgiving prayer: thanksgiving (to Your goodness, etc.) and the last words: always bring thanksgiving and say the verb, and: vouchsafe to sing. Oh, the cunning of the enemy and the malice of the enemy! The thought of the Church and Holy Scripture is always pure gold, kindled silver, always light, sweetness, life. During the great entrance, a spirit of repentance and tenderness is required from those present and the clergy, like the prudent thief hanging on the cross and repenting of his previous crimes before the Lord. For at this time the crucifixion of the Lord on Golgotha ​​is remembered. After my illness, I need to take a lesson for the next time in my life, namely: not to be greedy at all, to always observe abstinence, especially during lunch and at night. The dream on January 11 showed me my vanity: a golden pectoral cross in front of the honorable elders, monks, who did not have a golden pectoral cross, but only [...]. I have sinned against the Lord! Also my greed is shown to me. My body was hot from eating herring and a significant amount of cream that evening, after drinking coffee with cream at Gorodensky’s. I sinned before the Lord and before my brethren: I slandered the father of Archpriest Paul and the father of Archpriest Matthew. After all, God is their judge - why do I pronounce my cruel judgment?.. Am I without shortcomings and without great infirmities?.. (During Matins, at the very beginning, a spirit of anger and demonic resistance to the archpriest father, who gave orders regarding the service of services in the side Pokrovsky border, seized me; as soon as I begged God to drive away from me this satanic spirit, which cruelly raped me and did not allow me to utter the words litany.) In the soul of a person, especially a Christian, a relationship with God is deeply implanted - in the image and likeness of God, in rebirth from water and the Spirit, in the communion of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord, in the betrothal of the Holy Spirit, communicated through the seal of Confirmation. Oh, if we all constantly remembered this kinship and our heavenly origin and, remembering, did not become attached to the earth and its fleeting, perishable benefits. But alas! Through the Fall, a predatory relationship with Belial, or Satan, was planted in our souls through sin and passions: pride, malice, envy, love of money, lust, fornication, laziness, gluttony, drunkenness, deceit (and other passions), or the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life [1 John. 2, 16]. The devil constantly disputes our kinship with him and strives to keep us in his power and in his spirit, and the Lord attracts us in various ways, assimilates us to Himself through the Sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, Communion, Repentance, Priesthood, Marriage, Blessing of Anointing, through divine services, constant good deeds, through sorrows, illnesses and misfortunes. So, let everyone think about his kinship with God and his whole being, and strive for his First Principle and Prototype, leaving behind his attachments, and with all his heart let him daily deny Satan, and all his works, and all his angels, and all his service, and all his pride, living holy. This is our duty, our title, our work. This is the purpose of our life. January 11, 1871. Monday. Morning. 8 o'clock. Due to yesterday's gluttony and drinking a lot of tea and coffee with cream and creamy blamange, I was much tempted by demons during Matins; Almost the rivers of the enemy swallowed me up, almost his storm overturned me, a great fall almost happened, according to the Gospel 186. Science! But when will I learn to abstain? Why am I not in a monastery and do not obey the monastery rules?.. But I am married - and I please my wife in food and drink. When will I please You, Lord? My days are drawing to a close, and death does not hesitate. The court is ready; A fiery flame and gnashing of teeth await everyone who is unrepentant! Gluttony is a mortal sin. I am wayward and hot-tempered at home with my wife and with my brethren, with Fathers Archpriests Paul and Matthew and with the sextons, and in addition to all this I am greedy and intemperate. I have sinned against the Lord! January 13, 1871. I thank the Lord for the longed-for freedom, peace and space of spirit and body that followed the communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord, for before communion throughout mass and before mass I felt extraordinary tightness, burden, and languor. I thank the Lord and Lady, who pacify and strengthen my weak, rebellious soul during the service, when I pronounce the litanies. I will pray internally for peace and strengthening - and I will receive what I ask for. Glory to the Lord, who does not completely abandon me, a sinner. Glory to my Most Good Queen, who does not completely abandon me for my sins! Glory to the Lord, who repeatedly cleanses my iniquities every day when I fall before Him in prayer of repentance. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the Liturgy with tenderness and tears, and also to partake of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood with tenderness, reverence, unashamed faith, in peace of spiritual strength, freedom, lightness and joy. Glory to the faith of Christ, which performs wonderful works in me: cleansing sins, taming passions, transforming the confusion of the soul into peace, death into life, sadness into joy, sorrow into joy, tightness into space, cowardice into boldness, fear into courage, darkness into light! From time to time we need to grieve our earthly life, so that, due to constant enjoyment of it, we do not become attached to this life and forget about the future. For this purpose, the Lord allows us to be upset by human untruths, illnesses, misfortunes, losses, and temptations. Take away from my heart, Lord, wolf brutality, irritability, greed, envy, self-will, stubbornness, pride, wickedness, fornication and give me sheep’s meekness, sheep’s kindness, patience, obedience. I thank the Lord, who through the prayer of faith takes away from my heart the fierce confusion of passions that torment me like beasts! Glory to the faith of Christ, from which I receive so many and such great benefits! Protect me from my enemies, who breathe malice and envy against me and are ready to devour me; make me safe from their teeth! May this be the crown of the blessings of Your faith, and beyond this - a peaceful end and a good answer at Your Last Judgment. January 14, 1871. Morning. Six o'clock. Thursday. Who is more prone to despondency and irritability than me? Who is more capable than me of causing trouble and torment for myself out of trifles?.. But glory to Your holy faith, Lord: by faith in You and prayer to You, I will soon get rid of despondency and anger, when I sincerely look to You in repentance and humility. Soon I will bring you peace and tranquility! So it was today during Matins, when my soul was depressed from the injustices inflicted on me by the archpriest. The Lord turned confusion into calm, powerlessness into strength, and I peacefully served the Lord. (January 14.) And yet Belial, like a thief 187, comes to me, steals my peace of mind, kills and destroys my soul. And how subtly the sting was! How quickly he plunges it into the heart! You need to constantly watch over yourself and pray! Faith also makes me sound: I woke up today not very healthy, but after Matins I became completely healthy. Prayer revitalizes the soul and body. If here, after sin, by thought, feeling or illegal movement of the heart, in word or deed, sorrow and oppression and abandonment of God befall us, so that we cannot find a place for ourselves to calm down, then what will happen to unrepentant sinners - and how many there are, starting with me - in that century, after death and especially after the resurrection of the dead and the Last Judgment of Christ, when the goodness of God completely leaves man, when there will not be a shadow of Divine life in him! Oh, truly there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth then. Yes, we run away from all sin, like the poison of the serpent. You are angry with a poor or wealthy guest who has come to you - this is a devilish act: beware of anger, be loving, affectionate; you look suspiciously, angrily at the one taking your sweets - this is a devilish act. Beware of this brutal greed, show generosity: love spares nothing, but pride, pride, anger spares everything; you are angry with a faulty subordinate - this is a devilish act: cover the fault of your neighbor with love, or correct him with love and a spirit of meekness. You are angry with those who offend you - this is a devilish act; do not resist evil, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who offend you, so that you will be a true child of the Heavenly Father. You are angry with those who take away yours - this is the devil’s work: be ready to give with joy even your last when they take away from you, and instead of perishable things, acquire incorruptible property. Thus, if you want, you can turn all the machinations of your enemies into the greatest benefit for yourself. Always pray earnestly to the Lord for this, so that everything will turn for your good. January 14, 1871. I speak to him with bitterness, contempt, displeasure at my brother in my heart, without love, meekness and humility, like the poison of an asp under my lips [Ps. 139, 4 ] mine. Oh, what a great sinner I am! A prophet is never without honor, except... among his relatives and in his own house [Mk. 6, 4], said the Lord; So my brother Alexei, who lives in my house, that is, in the apartment I occupy, because I knew his weaknesses and because he ate with me at the same meal, which, however, is God’s, and not mine, is dishonest for me: and this, I think, is the fruit of my ignorance of myself, my extreme weaknesses and infirmities, my sinful corruption, the fruit of self-love, pride, greed, malice, envy. The same must be said about the brethren of one church, especially about some whose weaknesses, infirmities, shortcomings, passions I had the misfortune to recognize and, as a result, turn the eyes of my heart away from my weaknesses and passions - and for them I also do not have the proper brotherly disposition, love and respect. God! By Your grace, by Your wisdom, by Your power, by Your goodness, completely destroy every sin in me, teach me true humility, kindness, love, forbearance, patience, fraternal communication, abstinence, purity and chastity! Incite both the brethren of the church and my brothers by wife to mutual love, to simple-heartedness and to all virtue. May I see, Lord, the fulfillment of my good desires! Amen. January 14. I thank You, most good Lord, for the gift of tenderness during the celebration of the liturgy and for its unfaltering performance, as well as communion with tears of thanksgiving and tenderness of Your most pure Mysteries, for the gift of peace, the cleansing of sins, for revitalization, enlightenment, affirmation, as in this fortress I served a prayer service before the icon of the Iveron Mother of God with warmth and tenderness. January 14. I thank the Lord and Savior for delivering me from the machinations of the adversary during Matins, when the sexton disharmoniously sang the words: Bless in the name of the Lord, father, and when the enemy began to incite anger towards this reader. By the power of God's grace I overcame the desire of malice. January 15. I thank the Lord for taking away the tightness and sorrow from my heart that befell me for my reproachful treatment of the poor who asked for clothes and an apartment; The Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy on me. Glory to His long-suffering and unspeakable mercy! January 15. All church prayers, readings and chants are a deep truth: therefore one must read or sing them from the depths of the heart; they are the holy truth: therefore one must sing and read without hesitation. The heart of a glutton and one who loves to be satiated with food and drink becomes so coarse, earthly, unclean that it loses faith in God and in the future life with its ineffable, eternal blessings, hope in God and love for God and humanity. It is dangerous to play or enjoy food and drink. The thorns grow and grow, grow stronger and stronger, to the detriment of the remaining wheat in the soul. May the grace of God preserve us from these thorns and from earthly merging. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the embarrassment and oppression of the enemy during the night and during Matins from late eating and failure to fulfill all the evening prayer rules due to extreme weakness of body and soul. I read the Gospel of the Holy Apostle Peter well; the stichera on Khvalitekh sang loudly. The voice is clear, sonorous (Sergievskaya prosphora and wine - horn 188, Dmitrievskoe). He was angry with the beggars because so many (as it seemed) demanded so much. Even until now, I, passionate, have not learned to give alms with joy, willingly, with quietness, humility, with a sweet heart and face; I still think that almsgiving is a loss, not a gain; I have also sinned before God through my lack of faith! Forgive, Lord, my sins! Do not deprive me of the fruits of alms for my lack of skill in giving them. I thank the Lord for the gift of tearful tenderness during the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church in the Duma, and for my most peaceful, sweet conversation with the Lord, especially when reading the evening and morning prayers. At the end of the all-night vigil, in the first hour, the enemy, out of envy and malice, stopped me with a fearful fear that the people would catch a cold on their feet in the church on the cold floor and that we must hurry up to say a prayer to Christ, the true Light and farewell words, and with this he confused me and did not allow me to say the words: may the light of Your face be signified upon us, and spoke the rest of the words dismounted 189; I only spoke the first few words of farewell, but I could not utter the words: deed, word, thought and all my feelings from fear and haste. I don’t know where I was in a hurry. O my enemy! But, O God, deliver me henceforth from all his wiles! Remove his dreamy fears from me, and plant Your Divine fear in my heart and in the hearts of all Your people. Brother Father Matthew, when meeting me in the courtyard, when I said “Hello,” he did not want to answer anything: his anger intensified to the extreme. Soften, Lord, his heart! May my prayer not be in vain 190 before You in the church for my brother! Do not be jealous about food and drink: no matter what your family eats or drinks without you, do not be jealous and do not regret: the flesh is greedy and is always true to itself, always consistent in its absurd agony; she herself would like to be constantly fed up, burdening her soul and body; That’s why she is always jealous and envious when others eat and drink in our house, but she is not allowed to do this, she is hostile towards those who eat and drink, while a person should love them and be grateful to them for the fact that they share with him these material gifts of God, the excessive use of which is so harmful for a person. Others are greedy for ours - trouble; if we ourselves are greedy - nothing, even if greed causes obvious harm to the soul and body. We should be very pleased that our family or guests eat our sweets with pleasure, because they save us from unnecessary sweets. Oh, if only you would completely cool down to all kinds of sweets and be ardent only in love for God and your neighbor! That is why we are cold towards God and neighbor, because we are given over to sweets; That is why we are at enmity, and angry, and quarrel, and envy, because we are devoted to voluptuousness and self-interest. The root of all evil is love of money and pride. Here are the stings or goads of the ethereal enemy, with which he sets fire and incites anger towards his neighbor: the tobacco that my brother smokes in my apartment, food and drink, especially which I love very much and which my brother eats and drinks immoderately, really or phantomly. Patience is needed and not paying attention to these goads or thorns: in God one must have peace and contentment. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to swear a witness in the district court without stumbling. January 16, 1871. Saturday. Eight and a half o'clock in the evening. Despite the fact that brother Alexey smokes heavily and passionately and [talks] a lot, he is a thousand times better than me, for he is gentle, simple, helpful, compliant, while I am embittered, irritable, crafty, disobedient, unyielding and stubborn. Those who have sinned against the Lord! The case of one father who advised giving his baby to the wolves who were chasing them; Meanwhile, he himself fell out, and the wolves tore him to pieces. Demonic machinations over one officer after drunkenness. The beauty of 191 beautiful people is the beauty of God. Lift your heart to God at the sight of all beauty. Do not forget that a person is free and has the power to do what he wants. So look at your brother’s legal or illegal actions and do not be upset with him when he acts against your wishes. The enemy brings despondency and confusion when he wants to overthrow me in thoughts and words. We must contrast despondency with cheerfulness and boldness, courage. My sleep was peaceful after a happily endured struggle at evening prayer and evening rule (canon and akathists) with an ethereal enemy who tormented me with sleep and nested like a nightmare in my heart. Thank the Lord for peace, sleep and victory! Sunday, January 14th. I thank the Lord for praying without stumbling, with boldness, in Marya Arsenyevna’s apartment in the presence of the Chuevs. Glory to Your grace, glory to Your mercy, glory to Your power, O Lord, for you have strengthened the weak, cleansed the sinful, enlightened the darkened, encouraged the sad, and created countless strengths in me. Amen. January 17, 1871. Resurrection. Nine o'clock. Today two marriages are to be celebrated. May the Lord help you. I thank the Lord for bestowing grace-filled strength to perform the Divine Liturgy with feeling and tenderness and for the non-judgmental communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood; I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free performance of the Sacrament of Baptism in Red. street in Sidorov's house - at Semyon Nikitich Ivanov, a prayer service for water at the Goremykins and the Sacrament of Marriage over two couples in the cathedral. During mass there is a war with ethereal enemies; during a home meal - internal war; the heart aches, it aches, the enemy stings it with the pity of sweets and the enmity of those who eat. Have I not received everything from the Lord? Shouldn’t everything that alienates me from love for God and neighbor be alien to my heart? Isn't it love, isn't it meekness and kindness that is my eternal true treasure? Is it not impartiality, is it not coldness towards all the sweets, delights, treasures and honors of earth? Yes, this is a true treasure, so as not to have anything and consider nothing as yours except God, Who is the true, eternal Treasure. Who is in my heaven? and with You I want nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart faint: God is the rock of my heart and my portion forever [Ps. 72, 25–26]. Oh, how the enemy turns our hearts away from God through desire and pity for earthly blessings, through greed for them! That is why the saints of God despised and abandoned everything earthly and wanted to have nothing but God! My satiety leads me to strong agony of passion - stinging sweets for my brother and to enmity against him. (Today I ate salmon and vinegar, a piece of turkey, cream and drank three glasses of sweet tea.) Abstinence and fasting are necessary: ​​it tames carnal passions, takes away food and strength from them. Mother! Don’t begrudge your family anything: the means of living in Kronstadt are not the same as in the countryside! But it’s strange how I still judge in a village way and measure food and drink using village standards! The Lord rewards the brethren tenfold for treating them. And justice demands that we treat our own people more, although they have their own piece, because for the merits of their father and my wife (that means mine) I have everything real: a place, an income, and a gymnasium. God! Teach me to despise the absurd dreams of the heart and the passions nesting in it, or, more precisely, demons, for every passion is a living demon or hordes of demons. How good it is to cling to the one Lord with all your heart and not cling to anything in the world! For the Lord is an infinitely sufficient 192 Good, He is the Source of life, from Him comes every good and every perfect gift, He can give us everything out of nothing, if only we constantly cling to Him with all our hearts and fulfill His commandments, seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, save souls, and succeed in every virtue. The Lord is also an inexhaustible Treasure for me, as I learned this by experience - why am I greedy, sparing the blessings of the Lord for my neighbors, as if I myself wanted or could absorb everything? Is there anything crazier than my flesh, my old man - the most stupid, impenetrably stupid? And I still believe him. Deny yourself immediately. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to break the stubbornness of the passions that rose up against me last night, after a long and cruel struggle. The dream was peaceful. But there is some heaviness in the chest: from excess juices. My trouble comes from sweet eating and sugar drinking. In the evening I don’t need to eat either fish or meat, but yesterday I ate both. Fortunately, I had a throat disease that I could not eat anything except liquid! Involuntarily, I ate little. Oh, my greed! O voluptuousness! (Out of anger, the enemy clicked violently when I woke up in the morning.) Alas! The thorns of passions are growing in me and drowning out some of the remnants of wheat - faith and love! The enemy acts tirelessly, especially through addiction to sweets. Strictly speaking, nothing decreases with me, because the loss is constantly replenished by the profit of income - and in the Lord’s nature, everything also grows and multiplies, the loss is constantly replenished by profit. What do I regret? Why am I sad? The Lord has had an inexhaustible supply of blessings for more than seven thousand years. Oh, ridiculous sin! Ridiculous passions! Let material goods diminish, so that there is a constant replenishment, so that there is a place for the goodness, generosity and omnipotence of God; Let God’s verbal and wordless creations be saturated with the gifts of God’s goodness, and let me be simple and generous. I thank You, Lord, for the strength You showed in me, a sinner, against the forces of the enemy, which acted in me to cause despondency, fear and relaxation. How little I, and every person, need: so I ate a little out of hunger - I am both full and full. I thank You, Nourisher of all creatures! Grant me to live in love with my family and with all my neighbors, comrades, with all people. I earnestly pray to You for this, Lord! If a person passionately loves any of the things: money, or a certain kind of food and drink, or clothes, or honors, or a beautiful, smooth, ruddy face, then forgive love for God and neighbor, His image and likeness, this king and owner of the earth, a being immortal in soul and once destined to be such in [body]: he will regret or strongly desire these things for the sake of his pleasure, and pity his neighbor he will not or will cease to wish for any good, but only for himself, and to desire and seek all, according to his concept, good; He will have a warm heart for all earthly blessings, but will be cold towards God, towards his soul, towards his neighbor. The demons of worldly passions incessantly, tirelessly work in our hearts and in every possible way, insidiously intensify in us to arouse in us an ardent passion for earthly goods in order to cool us towards the immortal soul and towards God and our neighbors. The enemy constantly tries to preoccupy and torment our soul with vanity: the flow of the household, which seems to be a lot of this and that, although it is in the proper and once-established course; eating and drinking at home, which they say eat and drink a lot, although this also goes on as usual; the course of our neighbor’s life, his, especially secret, sins and obvious weaknesses, although in us there were or are, perhaps, more of them than him - and all this with the aim of producing displeasure, hostility towards family in our soul, to upset us and stop our peaceful and loving mood of the soul, to extinguish brotherly love in the soul and inflate enmity. Therefore, every Christian, take heed to yourself. If we spare something for others, it is out of pride, so that we ourselves can enjoy it in abundance, with greed, although a sweet piece or drink would be enough for everyone. Oh, self-love! I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer yesterday after the evening table, when I cried out to the Lord in the oppression of the enemy, and saved me from the spirit of enmity and envy. Thank you for saving me multiple times yesterday in the District Court. And now, Lord, help! I thank You, Lord, for Your great mercy, for this day You have granted me, through my prayer, the grace to unfalteringly, with boldness, with great strength, pronounce oaths in the district court, and You have struck down my internal enemies who troubled me. I thank You that I begin to sit happily in court sessions, take an interest in the business of the court, and boldly behave in the presence of the court and all those present. This dignity comes from You! I thank You, Lord, for You have quickly saved me now from malice, envy, contempt for my brother, which internally struck and stung me. Thou hast extended Thy merciful right hand and saved me. The husband must not forget that his union with his wife is, first of all, a spiritual union, a union of immortal souls, bearing within themselves the image of God, redeemed by the Blood of Christ, a union by which they were united for the most convenient completion of the path of life in purity and virtue, for the easiest overcoming of passions and enemies, visible and invisible, and for the achievement of eternal life. Leaders and subordinates, shepherds and fathers and their flock and spiritual children should remember this. Not self-interest, not carnal pleasure should be the motives of their everyday life, but a high spiritual goal - the goal of eternal salvation. What good is it to a man, if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul; or what will a man give in exchange for his soul [Russian: What good is it for a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? or what ransom will a man give for his soul?] [Matt. 16, 26]. This means that the only priceless treasure, the wealth of a person, is his soul, created in the image of God and redeemed by the Blood of God. Oh, if everyone remembered this great truth, especially the rich! They would not pursue wealth, which robs the soul of God! The spiritual connection of the fathers of the Kronstadt Cathedral with the parishioners, the connection of spiritual love and self-respect, was destroyed by what? - Pride, arrogance, vanity, stubbornness, self-interest, insolence, malice. Alas! After this, what impact can shepherds have on their flock? Will not their word be a ringing brass and a clanging cymbal 193? God! Your eyes see all our deeds: You correct our hearts and our lives! Carry out Your judgment on Your house, on the servants of Your house, may not the sanctity of Your house be desecrated, may not the faith of Your people be shaken, may not Your holy name be blasphemed! Amen. My dear! - I turn to myself, - why are you greedy? Oh, how little, how little you need! Greed destroys and will destroy you, from which may God save you by His mercy. Give up sweets, give up eating at night. The rough veil of unclean, passionate flesh greatly hinders the true life of the God-like soul, firm faith, hope and love, almost constantly disturbing and darkening the soul with various passions, preventing it from always seeing God with the intelligent eyes of the heart, namely: Divine goodness and mercy for all creatures, His wisdom, omnipotence, holiness, ineffable beauty. Therefore, for your own good, the eternal good, for the salvation of the soul, you must urgently crucify your flesh with passions and lusts: fast, pray, read the Gospel, the lives of the holy men of God and imitate them and the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. God! Give me the grace to always sit peacefully and cheerfully at my meal with my neighbors and spare nothing for anyone - let everyone eat and drink as much as they want, for Your right hand is inexhaustible, Your bounties are inexhaustible. January 20. Wednesday. O flesh, my flesh, hostile to me! You separated me from God through food from the tree and plunged me into vanity, corruption and death, you entangled me in various passions, and to this day I am stuck in your nets; you alienate me from my neighbor, making me a low selfish person; you drove me out of the paradise of sweets, you blocked the sky for me; You constantly saturate me with sinful bitterness and cramped conditions - why should I nourish and warm you, caress you, obey you, my destroyer? you, my pet beast, my pet demon? Oh, may I mortify my body and enslave it, may I not listen to its passions and lusts, its greed, its envy, malice, anger, irritability, pride, vanity, despondency, voluptuousness, lustful rage, cowardice, fear, laziness and other passions. May I always rejoice in God, my Savior, for the Lord is my part, my life, my peace, my sweetness, my easy yoke, my light burden. I give the corruptible to the incorruptible - man created in the image of God, or to Christ God Himself, Whom we eat 195 of His flesh and of His bones [Eph. 5, 30]. Every man is a lie [Ps. 115, 2] - I’m a lie too: therefore I don’t believe in myself, the aspirations of my heart, its carnal movements, for they are lies. These are the movements of anger, envy, stinginess, vexation, fornication, greed and other things. What do I regret? There will be plenty for everyone. The heart lies. Let him throw away his passion. And how persistent is evil! There is nothing more persistent than him. No matter how you drive it away from you, it still nests inside you! I thank You, Most merciful Lord, for You have granted me the grace to perform the early Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake without condemnation, into the world of spiritual powers of Your Divine Mysteries. I thank You, for You saved me from the anger and envy of the demons that oppressed me when I repeatedly cried out to You for salvation. Truly, the Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away [Matt. 11, 12 ]; Without forcing yourself to prayer, to virtue, it is impossible to achieve it. Truly know the constant flattery of the enemy, that every piece in the hands of a brother seems great and sweet - and the greedy one spares his brother what he does not spare for himself, is ready to deprive him of the sweet piece in order to eat it himself. O greedy flesh! How much does a person need?! Doesn't grace strengthen hearts? Is not a man dead without grace?.. For it is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with food, from which those who practice them have not benefited [Heb. 13, 9]. How many times has my heart retreated from the Lord, from my faith and hope, and hoped for substance, feeling sorry for it, cowardly about its loss, as if about the loss of life. How many times am I an idolater every day? When will I learn to despise substances and love God and neighbor with all my heart? How long will I be a lie? How long will I torture myself? Until I am fully gathered in God? How long will God not be everything to me? How the enemy confuses and torments me daily with his concern for matter! Soon the firewood came out: so much worry, languor, anger! Now this and that in the household, food, drink, is quickly disappearing - so much zeal, embarrassment, anger! And where is the hope in God, who provides for everyone, especially His servants? Has the hand of the Lord ever failed for me?.. I glorify Your bounties, Your faithfulness, Your unchanging Providence. For my addiction to worldly pleasures, evil spirits sting me so much: for pride, envy, pride - with this very envy, pride! I sinned before God that I hated some of my neighbors for their sweets and equated man with a soulless, insignificant substance, and the image of God with dust. I sinned by negligence when reading some prayers and performing rituals; He sinned with hypocrisy during the blessing, shaking hands with some, and barely deigning others with a blessing and kissing their hands. God! I thank You, for You have given me the strength to overcome my fierce passions that tormented me yesterday after evening prayer and before evening prayer, and to emerge from the struggle with the world. (January 22.) One heart, one soul may you and your family, comrades, neighbors, co-workers, subordinates or spiritual children be. Looking with the prayer of faith in my heart at the cross or at the image of the Savior, the Mother of God, I am saved from passions and gain peace of mind. Thus, in ancient times, Jews who were bitten by snakes, looking at the image of the copper serpent, were healed. Today after evening tea I was saved by looking at the image of the crucifixion from envy, greed, and malice. There is no one more attentive to our prayers than the Lord, because there is no one more gracious; attention and obedience are the action and fruit of goodness. After the Lord, the Most Quick Intercessor is the Mother of God; She is also called the Quick to Hear, the Diligent Intercessor. On January 23, I saw my mother in a dream that she came to me only in difficult times: the enemies were sending bombs at us. God! Take away from me the charm of food, the pity of sweets, the delirium of the heart. Give me unanimity with my family and my neighbors. Why was I jealous, why did I regret when Brother Konstantin came to me to drink sweet tea? Is it sweets that a servant of Christ should despise and consider as rubbish, as having the infinite Sweetness of Christ and desiring to endlessly taste the incorruptible sweetness of the Kingdom of God?.. Early mass in the Duma church from Prokofiev. I thank my Lord, who through the communion of the Holy Mysteries took away great mental and physical infirmities (from drinking too much coffee and tea), who destroyed the demonic machinations in me and who has given me great peace and great joy with spiritual and physical vigor. Brethren! Convince yourself that the priest is obliged to teach you with the living word early and late, in homes and in church, and you must listen with attention to his sound word, based on the Divine word, and do not be burdened when the priest comes out to speak the word of God. The Lord is so generous to my unworthiness that in one hour he sent me two rubles and forty kopecks; How can I spare anything for the table of my family, or relatives, or the poor? God! Be wise not to regret anything. Our Tsvetkovs are much more perfect than me in love and character, that’s why God gave them a child, but not me! Yesterday, the enemy confused me while reading prayers to the mother in labor with the thought that the sick person was dangerously waiting for me, and I could not read calmly for fear of demons. And the patient was on his feet. Don't believe it: do your job calmly. Resurrection. Early mass. Today, upon awakening from sleep, I felt a strong itching in my head; going to Matins - too; during Matins too; was irritable; while reading the evening prayers of light, my heart was barely warmed by prayer from compulsion; I read the morning prayers of the lamp with tenderness; I read the Gospel in ordinary speech without stumbling; when singing on the rivers of Babylon, the voice trembled and became exhausted; got angry with the sexton for his nonsensical singing; spoke out. I started doing the entrance work late, there was little time; my extreme confusion and embarrassment; dangling tie; correcting it; extreme irritation during the first hour of reading; despondency. During mass I did not see the light of God: extreme irritation. Why the loss of nerves? At night I drank stale tea with buns and crackers (crackers are a disaster), and enjoyed cream; I ate cod at lunch. I received money for my needs: the sins of others, probably, weighed heavily on me, except for my own. Well, I suffered today because of my peritoneum, because of my womb! How the heart becomes coarse from satiety, what murderous thorns grow in it, how they entangle a person! The wedding, with God's help, was celebrated well. Review by Nikolai Matveevich. Ladygin baptized calmly and with dignity, to the Gospel; from the Gospel, from the first words, from doubt and false shame and fear, he began to be embarrassed and hesitated greatly; cardiac paralysis. Having cried out to the Lord with all his heart after baptism, he bowed to the Lord’s mercy. There were ten disciples in unity [Matt. 28, 16] – a stumbling block from the dirty tricks of the adversary. Commanded you (in prison) - too. Why, wise by spiritual, heavenly wisdom, am I afraid and ashamed of earthly wisdom... Don't regret anything. Regret is fornication. You love sweets, my soul, and not the Lord! Alas for me! O my soul, sick with satiety and sweets! Why do you forget the words of the apostle: Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both. But the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body [1 Cor. 6, 13]. I love having a nice meal and drink at home and when visiting. You condemn brother Konstantin for fornication, but you yourself commit fornication with sweets and you spare him these sweets. You condemn Father Matthew’s brother for love of money, malice, envy, ambition, pride, but you yourself suffer from the same passions – and greater ones. In yourself and in others, hate the old man, and the new one, who is hidden under the old, crushed by the old, love, sigh for him, cry for him: he is the lost royal coin, the image of God. I bow before her!.. How moving and wavering is the heart of a sensualist during the guidance and situation of demons! Like a tree leaf, like a cane. What is sweeter than the Lord and His grace? What sweets are we still chasing? What are we looking for? Early liturgy. I thank the Lord for the good outcome of the struggle with passions during the morning service and for the successful celebration of the liturgy and the communion of the Divine Mysteries into the world of spiritual powers. What could be greater than this gift? Nothing. And this gift is tuna, like all the others. Crucify the world - its sweets, honors, wealth, and its joys. Because of the belly, because of this peritoneum, which exists today and will be abolished tomorrow, how much sin is there every day, how much deviation from God, enmity against one’s neighbor? Oh, vanity! Damned, I succumbed to the most absurd slavery along with the sons of this age - slavery to the womb, which is my temporary belonging, which will not exist in the next century. I value sweets as something important, but in reality they are a destructive network for the enemy. How cruelly the enemy laughs at me, a slave of the womb, every day! Oh, how I clung to the earth because of my womb and separated myself from the sky! How, because of my womb, my soul constantly falls away from the gospel love for God and neighbor; I love the belly, sweets and I despise, I hate my brother, I envy him! Oh my God! What trouble and absurdity am I in! You should despise the world and love the sky - but I despise the sky and love the world! On all earthly blessings there is the charm of the enemy, that is, the bitterest, the greatest flattery, the greatest deception, the greatest lie, a bitter ghost, delirium, a bitter dream. And she takes power over a person greedy for earthly goods, more and more. But let us not chase after ghosts, but let us achieve the essential, the eternal. We have experienced the taste of earthly pleasures, seen [their] vanity, ephemerality, and we know how much good the Lord is, how much sweetness is hidden in Him. Let us cleave to Him. The Lord for me, as for many, many, is the inexhaustible Treasure of all blessings, their multiplication: hitherto, for many years, He has been every good for me, with Him I am not poor in anything. Without Him, woe is me: even though I have plenty, I am a poor and most miserable person, having no peace in my bones [Ps. 37, 4] their own. Morning. I thank You, Lord, for the manifestation of Your mercy, for giving me Your grace, saving and pacifying, always 198 praying to You 199 in the sin of my addiction to sweets. How good it is to cleave to You and how evil it is to cleave to earthly delights; what a heavy, painful burden for the soul and body - sweetness when you cling to them with the love of your heart! Save, Lord! I call the name of the Lord so often. Why do I not retreat from all untruths? Let everyone depart from unrighteousness, it is said, who names the name of the Lord [Russian: everyone who confesses the name of the Lord] [2 Tim. 2, 19]. Father Alexei Kolokolov converted many souls (one hundred and forty), an entire village, from the schism to the Church. Honor and praise to him. What am I doing? He didn’t convert a single schismatic. Morning. Nine o'clock. I thank You, Lord the Savior, for through my prayer you have graciously saved me several times already. O my Life, O my Benefactor, Strength, my Help, my Salvation, my Peace, my Light, glory to Thee! I sinned against the Lord: I cried out with impatience, contempt 200 and malice against the poor when giving alms, and this came from sparing money. Oh, greedy me! How long will I rage against those created in the image of God, against the members of Christ, against Christ Himself, in the person of them asking and receiving? Alas for me! Alas for me! God! I thank You, for You have had mercy on me many times this day, when I, having sinned, turned to You with sincere repentance. God! Grant me angelic service to carry out angelically, with angelic meekness, purity, with angelic zeal, kindness, patience and long-suffering. Everything is possible for you - and, as a believer, everything is possible for me. Give me some faith. Addiction to the visible: to visible beauty, sweetness, self-interest, honor - hurts me, binds me, but a heartfelt appeal to the Invisible, who created everything - heals, pacifies, enlivens, expands the heart. So, in addition to the visible, turn constantly to the Invisible, from creation to the Creator, from created beauty and sweetness - to the uncreated, ineffable, eternal, holy, all-blessed Beauty and Sweetness. January 26, 1871. Tuesday. I again and again thank the Lord for my repeated salvation from my sins in the apartment of the customs official, Gordeev’s son-in-law, and at home (brother Alexey). To my Lord every day, every minute, I owe every breath of fresh air, pleasant food and drink, clothing, and most of all grace - merciful, saving, enlightening, pacifying, revitalizing, strengthening, helping, comforting! Glory to Thee, glory to Thee! How many mercies you have poured out, Lord, on the globe and the entire human race, and you continue to pour them out unceasingly! The light of the sun, moon, stars, many plants, animals, birds, reptiles, and everything has been brought under the feet of man! Heaven and earth are full of Your mercy. How shall we thank You, our Creator and Savior, for Your ineffable mercies? Let us keep Your commandments, let us be diligent about our souls 201 and save them. (Crave 202 gives milk, butter, meat; birds - eggs and meat; bees - honey; trees - various fruits; earth - countless products; sea - countless fish; mountains - gold and silver and precious stones.) Think about your extreme sinful impurity, about your great weaknesses, when you pray to the Most Holy Theotokos; imagine Her immeasurable purity, holiness, Her unspeakable greatness - and pray to Her with tenderness, with tears, with humility, with boldness, with strength, with the flame of the heart. Wednesday. Week of the Prodigal Son. Early mass. I thank Thee, Lord my God, for Thou hast raised up Thy power and has come to save me from the cruel situation of the demons that was in my flesh and in my heart, making me worthy to partake of Thy Divine Mysteries into sweet peace of mind and joy to me. In His power is the salvation of His right hand [Russian: by the power of His saving right hand] [Ps. 19, 7]. What patience, what struggle, what violence of sin was within me during the Liturgy! May I cleave to You alone, O Lord, at every moment of my life, May I love You alone with all my heart and with all my thought and with all my strength (do you love me strongly?), but let me not cleave to creatures, so that there will not be a created sting in me, a carnal sting. Let me not be wounded by the sting of pleasures and honors and self-interest, and let me not be greedy and eager for them, let me not envy those who have much, let me not spare those who take mine, but let me willingly yield to others that which serves as a stumbling block and an obstacle to the love of God for me: let me learn to say, as Thy apostle: Who shall separate us from the love of God [Rom. 8, 35 ]?.. No... no creature can separate us from the love of God [Rom. 8, 39]. Forgive me, Lord, that I still cleave to creatures; forgive us that we cleave to creatures more than You, the Creator of every creature; enlighten, make wise, correct, confirm and save us. Amen. Severe frost at 26 degrees. Reaumur 204. There were no classes in the gymnasium. Wednesday. Week about the Prodigal Son. Thank the Lord: I was reconciled with Father Matthew. I was in his apartment. I drank sherry and tea. He was received kindly by Mother Ekaterina Nikolaevna. The wedding was celebrated with spiritual difficulty, with the extreme resistance of the adversary. I missed some words due to demonic violence and fear. Sexton Adrian Nikitin was offended by me because I told his wife about the theft of firewood. As I enter into the service of the next weeks, I enter into the arms of the Heavenly Father, the prodigal. It is good for me to work for the Lord. Only grant me, Lord, to always work for You sincerely, with boldness, with great strength. January 28, 1871. By the greatness and beauty of the world and its individual parts, judge the greatness and beauty of its Creator. There is no limit to His greatness and beauty and His intelligence. Early liturgy (according to Mikhail Dmitrievich Semenov). I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, with feeling and tenderness of heart; without stumbling, I partook of the Divine Mysteries, and after struggle and hardship (from mental enemies and from my passions) I calmed down and rejoiced in Divine peace and joy. Oh, how good and easy it was for me after consuming the Holy Gifts, and even before consumption, after communion at mass! How great is the gift - the Divine Mysteries: it is impossible to comprehend with the human mind; Christ's love for us surpasses understanding, as it is said: to understand the love of Christ that surpasses understanding [Eph. 3, 19]. What broad love lies in the prayers, litanies of the church at Vespers, Matins and Liturgy! It embraces the whole world in general and every person in particular, by name! If, while pronouncing litanies or prayers or listening to them, you remain cold and indifferent to the common good and to each person in particular, then at least mourn your spiritual poverty, your pride, your isolation, your coarseness in everyday self-love - and the Lord, seeing your sincere tears for your poverty, will give you a flame of prayer and a sincere, tearful prayer for all people who suffer under the yoke of sin, illnesses, sorrows, misfortunes, temptations; will give you the feeling that we are all one, everything is from One, in One and to One, that is, to God. God! You are speed against the speed of demons, good power against enemy power, light against darkness, life against death, joy against sorrow, peace against confusion, holiness against sin, wisdom against madness, courage against cowardice, health against illness. For all this I praise, extol, thank You. God! You do wonderful things in my time: You brought down the throne of Napoleon to the ground, You humbled the pride of the Roman high priest, who called himself infallible, who appropriated Your honor to himself; You took away from him power that did not belong to him. I glorify Your judgments throughout the whole earth, Great God! God! Thank you for the gift of sincere evening prayer with tenderness and tears (canon to the Angels and all saints), for the gift of peace, consolation, purification, sanctification, boldness. Who is as merciful as You? Who is as benevolent as You, You, beginningless, endless, omnipotent, all-good, all-holy? What will I not receive through the prayer of faith when I pray to You with all my heart? I will receive everything, for You Yourself said: whatever you ask in prayer with faith, you will receive [Matt. 21, 22]. Glory to You! May I be great, strong and glorious by You, to Your glory and to the joy and confirmation of Your people! January 29, 1871. Twelve o'clock at night. Today was the marriage of the daughter of the gymnasium director Pyotr Nikolaevich Yanish with engineer Mikhail Fedorovich [Nekritsky]. The meal was great. Was there until ten and a half o'clock. Parents' Saturday. Early mass. I will sing songs of victory and thanksgiving 205 to the Lord God, my infinite belly, as He gave me the grace of peace during the celebration of the liturgy and the unswerving sacred rites, and the disembodied enemies who troubled me, the addiction to bread (prosphora), drove me away with my faith in Him, and when I took communion of the Holy Mysteries and was enlivened by them, and the devil troubled me with evil With indignation at the sexton, who did not know how to please the chanter, the Lord did not allow me to be completely captured by the enemy, but he plucked me from his jaws with my prayer of faith, and made me untroubled and peaceful again. After consuming the Holy Gifts, what heavenly peace, what sweetness of Divine life I felt, I cannot say! This world was so sweet! Thanks be to the Lord who has mercy on me! And henceforth may I not be deprived, because of my sins, of this mercy. (And the sweets and sweets at Janisch’s wedding had a relaxing effect on the soul.) (You shouldn’t eat anything too oily: your stomach works hard and you get heartburn. And now!) I glorify Your grace, Your unspeakable mercy towards me, a sinner, which resurrected me without number from the death of my heart, which struck me as a result of being carried away by various passions: gluttony, overeating and heavy drinking, pride, envy, anger and irritability and many others. Your mercy, Your grace gave me tears of repentance and tenderness, and Your Holy Spirit cleansed me, took away my sins, and His life-giving fire renewed, revived, sanctified me; peace, freedom of spirit, lightness, health of soul and body returned to me. Glory to You! Am I sometimes angry with brother Alexei because he gives a bold answer, although perhaps wrong, [when] he sinned against me, or because he eats and drinks at my place without me? (And when I’m without him, nothing.) Didn’t Adam and Eve fall into corruption through poison? Is it not because of poison that I too often fall into the rage of corruption, that is, through my gluttony and intemperance in food and drink, through my greed? Why am I not heeding myself, that I am not correcting myself, that I am not fasting wisely and diligently?.. Correct me, Lord! Take away from me the greed for food and drink. Give me patience and dispassion for earthly pleasures; Let me keep within the boundaries the demands of my flesh. God! Do not let me be harsh towards my brother Alexei, but let me love and respect him as his late father, because of whom I enjoy all the real benefits; grant me to bear with his weaknesses and stumbling blocks, as You bear with me and as You have mercy on me. I thank You that he receives a salary, like his brother; and that his sisters and my wives are established by Thy mercy and no longer demand much from me. I thank You for all the gifts of Your goodness, spiritual and material, eternal and temporal. What kind of stench a person emits when he eats fast food, especially meat, but this stench does not come from a person who eats lean, plant food; finally, there is no stench at all in a man who fasts and prays unceasingly: he only smells of holy things. Eating meat food and cream with it in sufficient quantities brought me to temptation at night by unclean ghosts. Oh, why haven’t I stopped eating meat until now! February 1, 1871. Lord! I thank You for the late Sunday Liturgy, performed by me in the weakness of the flesh and spirit (my voice was weak from weak nerves and constipation), but not without the power of Your Holy Spirit, for Your power is made perfect in weakness; I thank You for the unfaltering, with firm faith, communion of Your Divine Mysteries, the taking away of my sins, sanctification, heavenly peace, the boldness with which I spoke my short teaching about the nearness of the Last Judgment and about the terrible disasters depressing humanity. Thank you for the wonderful celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in Tsyplenkov’s house, in the church during vespers and in the customs office, especially in the far wing. I thank with all my heart the Lord, my King, my Life, my Breath, my Light, for the Divine Liturgy, now celebrated in the weakness of both flesh and spirit, but which revived me miraculously, quickly, powerfully through the communion of the Divine Mysteries. I pray to You, Lord, that You thus revive everyone who partakes of Your Holy Mysteries, that Your Holy name may be glorified, that You may grant to every bishop and priest upon communion a change of heart, renewal, dispassion, holiness, meekness, kindness, humility, truth, abstinence, chastity and purity, mercy, compassion, benevolence, forbearance, patience, non-covetousness, zeal for the glory of Your name, concern for the salvation of the verbal sheep entrusted to them by You. Wake up! Wake up! Oh, what a gift the Lord grants to His priests on earth, that every day they perform terrible Mysteries, stand in the earthly sky - before the throne of Your glory, before You - the Lamb of God, taking away the sins of the world, carried by 207 orders of Angels. God! Grant to Your priests, invested with the rank of angels, to live like angels on earth; for these Thy servants, who perform the heavenly Mysteries, to acquire the heavenly spirit and lull in themselves all earthly and material wisdom; these servants of the Lamb, slain before the foundation of the world, should be lambs themselves. Hey, wake up! God! I thank You for preserving the vessel of my body even to this day, snatching me away from the tyranny of passions. Blessed is the Kingdom of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. This means that we live in (and belong to) the gracious Kingdom of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. You have poured yourself out and are pouring out in countless mercy and bounties to your rational and unreasonable creatures, most beloved Lord! The light of the sun is Thy mercy, the poured-out air is Thy mercy, countless fruits are Thy mercy, manifold animal food for people is Thy mercy, the light of reason is Thy mercy, Thy law in conscience and in the Gospel is Thy mercy, the Church with teaching, worship, Sacraments is Thy mercy; finally, eternal, endless life - Your great mercy. Glory to You! I thank the Lord, who revived me, indecent (yesterday evening I drank wine and ate enough), through the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries of His Body and Blood. He served Mass with difficulty, his voice weak from cold and satiety. How much food and drink bend our hearts to the ground and prevent the mountain from rising to God! You feel this especially during the liturgy. Therefore, a priest must certainly fast! One must also fast because through gluttony and satiety it clearly becomes the dwelling and work of demons, who have their satiated belly as their dwelling. I thank the Lord for the wonderful life force that penetrated me immediately after communion. He spoke the lesson with strength and sincerity. The people were simple. About the persons acting in the theater, and about the persons visiting the theater: They are of the world, that is, adulterous and sinful, and they speak in a worldly way, and the world listens to them [1 John. 4, 5]. About the persons of the clergy and those attending divine services: We are from God; He who knows God listens to us; He who is not from God does not listen to us [1 John. 4, 6]. It is amazing how a person can cleave strongly to creation, having cognized the boundless love of the Creator, Provider and Savior, to which he must respond with a love as strong as death! [Song. 8, 6]. The theater has the goal of instilling a worldly spirit in people; The Church, through its worship, wants to instill in Christians the spirit of faith and Christian piety. The adulterous and sinful world still lives in me, namely: greed for food and drink, for money, for differences, envy of one's neighbor, stinginess, pity for what is good, pleasant, valuable for a brother (and what is more valuable than a brother, his immortal soul, created in the image of God?), ill will, direct malice, petrified insensibility. Alas for me, a sinner! Belial reigns in me every day. When will I renounce the world? When will I be crucified to the world and peace to me? When will I deny myself? Lord, help me crucify the flesh! Kill the carnal wisdom in me! Have earthly and material wisdom 208! If you want, in the power of the strength of the Lord, to defeat the devil who reigns in you, then put on the whole armor of God: the shield of faith, fasting, prayer, and so on. Without this, you will always be victorious from him, for he is a skilled fighter, never falls asleep, fast, subtle, strong, crafty. Now (in the cold winter) is a difficult time for the poor: help them out with free and generous alms for the sake of the Lord. Oh, what a great delight the enemy has in food and drink every day. Oh, the beauty - greed, envy, enmity, stinginess because of sweet food, like yesterday because of the pie! Why don’t you imitate Saint Alexis, the man of God 209, and Saint John the Kuschnik 210, who, amid the abundance of their parents, lived in great fasting and abstinence, eating bread and water?.. Do you see how the enemy flatters with food, how much trouble he causes because of food? Brother Alexey is the same master of the house and at the table as I am. May I remember this and may I not despise it for the sake of food and drink. He is a hundred times better than me, for he is gentle and meek. Sweets have become thorns for me, they gore me, they torment me. The pleasures and pleasures here are fragile and harmful: as soon as you have tasted them in excess, although not in great quantities, you will soon feel harm and disorder in your soul and body, and only after the restoration of mental and physical harmony or as a result of sincere repentance and reconciliation with God and the laws of nature do you feel good again. Songs and readings of the Old and New Testaments are sung and read so that at the mouth of the two Testaments, Old and New, every word about Christ and about His Church will be established. During confession and before communion and during the communion of the Holy Mysteries of your parishioners, remember that they confess and partake of the Holy Mysteries only once a year - and read all the prayers before confession, before communion, confess equally, allow, serve mass, receive communion with extreme attention, sincerity, firmness, unhurriedly. This is a great thing. Here the rebirth of souls, created in the image of God, redeemed by the Blood of Christ, takes place. Cheese Thursday. He served Matins and Mass with extreme difficulty due to hoarseness in his throat; he could barely speak, especially during Matins. During mass I felt somewhat better, but the burden of Satan weighed heavily on me, in my ribs and in my belly. Yesterday evening I drank quite strong sweet tea at [Borzdynsky's] for a housewarming party and at home a glass of tea and butter, and in addition a mixture of sugar, eggs and cognac for cough. This, together with the cold, had a bad effect. After communion, I felt in my cold being the life-giving warmth of the Holy Spirit - and thanked the Lord in joy, as if he had not rejected me, a sinner, but had vouchsafed me to be a partaker of His holy things. A big quarrel arose on the occasion of my wife’s refusal of a good servant, the girl Fevronia, without my knowledge: mutual grief and hot mutual reproaches continued for a long time. I sinned - I drank a lot of tea (three glasses at the lodge, three glasses at home, a glass or two of milk, a tea cup of cold water and half a cup of beer!). That's why the cough got worse. We keep harming ourselves. There were a lot of troubles due to the sending of the maid Fevronia, because we became mentally attached to her for her meekness, helpfulness, courtesy and, to hide it, for her good looks! And this attachment could harm my legitimate and natural attachment to my wife. That's partly why she sent her away. (After mass, I was very worried about Fevronia’s departure and expressed a lot of bitterness to my wife.) I thank the Lord, who by His grace has created peace between me and my wife. We prayed together in the evening: me, my wife, brother Alexey. Still within me, in the depths of my heart, various passions nest and reign, and from my heart, like from a fire-breathing mountain, the flame of passions bursts out. And the cause, the culprit of them, is all my flesh. It is necessary to crucify her with passions and lusts, to fast at times established by the Church, to watch, work and pray, and also to give alms. May the Lord help you. Contemplation of the eternal glory of the Triradiant Deity is worth crucifying the flesh and reviving the spirit, crucifying mortal flesh and reviving the immortal spirit, suppressed by the passions of the flesh. The indescribable bliss of all true ascetics. Why did I quarrel over what my wife did, the need for which I myself recognized and felt, that is, the removal of Fevronia’s servant?.. Oh passion! O poverty of love, oh absence of meekness, humility, kindness, patience! Why do I still insult the Lord in His presence, why do I serve the devil, fulfilling his deeds? Why am I listening to him? Why don’t I express embarrassment at the very beginning? Friday. The clock completed successfully. At the funeral service, the enemy showed indignation at the altar watchman for putting a lot of incense in the censer, and with disdain for the abundance of incense! This is the kind of trifle that confuses a priest and paralyzes his mind and heart! Saturday. Today the enemy embarrassed and hurt me with displeasure and grief at the sexton for singing so quickly and not allowing me to read out all the prayers. And how much he embarrassed and hurt me just before communion! After all, there was no strength to endure his gnawing, evil violence! I strongly begged the Lord to intercede for me! And the Lord had mercy. Today at Yushkov’s christening, the devil greatly embarrassed and wounded me with fear that the sexton would again take the baptismal scarf: because of this fear and embarrassment, I was so paralyzed in my soul that I could not read some words: Great ecu, Lord, and others... I took it and hung the scarf to the font. What nonsense! He barely calmed down somewhat, but vaguely completed the Sacrament. After baptism, I prayed to the Lord to calm me down and have mercy on me. I thank the Lord, who has granted me a service activity that has greatly contributed and is conducive to the preservation and strengthening of my mental and physical well-being and health, the continuation of my life, the purification of my mind and heart and the good direction of my life. Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free celebration of the all-night vigil on Sunday of Cheese Week. His grace gave me the boldness and forgiveness to say boldly, with feeling, sincerely, slowly. (The cough contributed to this calmness and this steadfastness, according to the Scripture: when I am weak, then I am strong [2 Cor. 12:10].) Lord! I thank You for my celebration of the Liturgy, the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and for overcoming the wiles of the evil one in my heart, and for pronouncing the words of Metropolitan Gregory 211 about fasting. God! I offer You thanks for Your saving powers, which were revealed to me during Vespers, the first of Lent. Frivolous and unbelieving, who do not fulfill the statutes and decrees of the church, when you die or after death, you will learn how necessary it was for you to fulfill these statutes and how frivolous, self-willed, free-thinking, insane, impudent and arrogant you were! But then it will be too late to repent; then you will learn how much you need repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries, how necessary it is to visit the church of God and participate in Christian worship, how necessary it is to observe fasts, and so on. God! I thank You for quickly hearing my unworthiness and for saving me from my sins, from my embarrassment in the church and at home. I cried out and You saved me! Fast once a year: fast diligently, fast diligently, repent sincerely, force yourself to correct without laziness. I thank the Lord for the first day of Lent, who blessed my ministry, especially the hours, to complete in truth and power. Before the evening meal I was in terrible confusion due to the fact that I had dined early on a fair amount of mushrooms (saffron milk caps) and mushroom soup, and in the morning I also had a little snack with tea. I was about to drink church wine with water before vespers, but it stunned me, and my nerves sank even more: the tightness in my sides was extraordinary. I barely begged the Lord to have mercy on me, to take away confusion and fear from me and to grant me peace. In some places I stumbled from devilish haste and confusion. The rest is fine. What greed man has! I would take everything for myself! Morning. Tuesday of the First Week of Lent. Today Belial deposed me twice: during the midnight office at the prayer, Lord and Master of my life (secondary) and at the prayer Save, O God, Thy people, and bless Thy inheritance; everything comes from evil suspiciousness. I have sinned before God! Food spoils everything. He sent the watch safely, loudly, solemnly, with the help of God’s grace. Only the words: at the third hour He who sent down Thy apostle did not utter, and: tear up the handwriting of our sins; The troparion of the ninth hour was pronounced safely all in a solemn loud voice. The priest alone prays for everyone and encourages everyone to pray, which is why he has many temptations during the service. I thank the Queen of Heaven, who always strengthens my heart to cheerfully pronounce, with strength, in truth and strength of heart, every litany. During Vespers, I was extremely tempted after remarking to sexton Kutuzov about my late arrival (although he did not come late - oh, my unreasonable rejection and haste!) and because I ate three apples in N. G. Sidorov’s shop: my heart became completely weak, cold, and the enemy was overcome. God forbid in the future there will be anything raw before the service, and only one thing raw. The trouble, and that’s all: often he could not pronounce entire speeches and even other poems. (I also sinned: I amused myself at the bookbinder's, looking at the "Illustration", and at Sidorov's shop, talking with the officers.) The divine services of the Orthodox Church, with their litanies, prayers, sacred chants and readings, constantly teach us to love our neighbors as ourselves, to pray for everyone as for ourselves, to wish the good of everyone as much as ourselves, to pray for everyone as well as for ourselves. The wonderful spirit of our worship, both in general and in parts! This is truly heavenly service on earth. This is what the mother ordered; so the doctor ordered; so the teacher, so the master said, - and as the mother ordered, so do the children, without thinking, relying on the mind and experience and love of the mother; as the doctor prescribed, so do the patients, relying on his specialty, his learning, practice, reputation or fame; as the teacher or master says, so do the students and apprentices. And if this happens in the world, then why is this not often done in the Church, why do its children not fulfill the instructions of the Church? Why don’t they trust her mother’s love, her Divine reason, her experience: for example, why don’t they fulfill her instructions about attending divine services on Sundays and holidays for sanctification with prayer and for teaching in the word of God? Why don’t they keep fasts, don’t read the Gospels or listen to the Gospels, don’t go to confession and holy communion? Incidentally, this is also because they believe in unsolicited and completely ignorant teachers in the matter of faith: Lutherans and Catholics living among them. Why are verses from the psalms and the psalms themselves sung during divine services? Following the example of Jesus Christ and the apostles who sang them, and in fulfillment of the words of the Apostle Paul: be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourself in psalms and songs and spiritual songs [Russian: be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourself in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs] [Eph. 5, 18–19]. Wednesday of the First Week of Lent. Today the Lord revealed my great spiritual weakness - my dislike for my brother through the following temptation. Sexton Kutuzov did not come to Matins; They sent for him - he came to the canon. For a long time I prayed to the Lord so that I could endure this malfunction with meekness, kindness, patiently, unperturbed - and I was appeased, but my vigilant villain confused me before reprimanding short litanies and prayers, Lord and Master of my belly, and struck me with spiritual paralysis that I could not utter words out of confusion. How passionate and weak I am! Well, why was there any indignation? The service was not stopped, thanks to the watchman, a former hospital sexton; the sexton came, as I guessed, late because he overslept, for he was not awakened; and I wish I could remain calm. But no - hellish malice does not sleep: it slanderes, incenses, incites, confuses, worries, instills fear. I envy my father the archpriest: he is not indignant at anything - even walk on his head. And I don't need it. You will hurt yourself, you will outrage, you will kill morally, but not only will you not correct your brother, but you will even do worse if you reprimand him with embarrassment and anger. We must meekly and lovingly notice and not at all become embittered at our brother because of his faults: anger at our neighbor because of our neighbor’s faults and, in general, shortcomings shows that we have no love for him. The temptations of the enemy were so strong that I almost fell into despair and fell into blasphemy and murmuring; I fell into the ground many times, kissed the edge of the throne, and the Lord, apparently, left me. This trouble occurred, I think, due to yesterday’s gluttony and satiety: I ate a lot of cabbage pie and sweet rice porridge. All the troubles are because of food! Because of greed for it and satiety! He spoke the litany at the Midnight Office and the great litany at Matins regularly by the grace of the Lady, to whom he prayed for this. I thank You, the Most Merciful Savior and my God, for You have granted me the grace to overcome the opposing forces that strongly and viciously fought me with confusion, fear and dumbness, and to perform without stumbling the entire Divine service: the hours and the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts, and even Great Compline. Thank you for the tears of tenderness when reading the canon. He is strong in mercy and good in strength, to help, and to console, and to save all who trust in Thy holy name. Evening. Nine o'clock. (On this day I sinned: I ate greedily at lunch at five and a half o’clock - and this was after communion!) Alas for me! I am a slave of the belly, God is my belly: on such great days as the First Week of Lent, I feast on myself, eat uncontrollably, drink the same way, I don’t shy away from excess sweet food, even though I’m full; I don’t refuse an extra glass of tea when it’s offered, but I take it and drink it. My God! When will I be attentive to Your commandments, and not to my belly! (The stomach gets stronger from excesses and my teeth hurt a little, my back too; I ate and drank everything fortifying in the evening: cabbage pie, buckwheat porridge and rice porridge with raisins.) Dream: a long cigarette stuffed with tobacco and an incendiary projectile, taken from a beggar (apparently) a cigarette; I tore it up, threw it away with fear, and it fell right into a pile of wood chips near our fence - and the pile of cigarettes caught fire. The heap is my belly, the beggar is the devil, the incendiary cigarette is his trunk. The Lord allowed me to suffer strong attacks from the enemy yesterday in order for me to be cleansed, strengthened in spirit, worthy of greater grace and defeat the enemy during the liturgy. God bless! Do not spare the sin in yourself: beat yourself mercilessly, convicting yourself in prayers sincerely, loudly; just as he does not spare you, so do not spare him: you know from experience his impudence, importunity, violence, anger, his poisonousness. Confession, recognition destroys it. Thursday of the First Week of Lent. The dream written on the back at the end of folio 213 came true: the devil set me on fire today during Matins, angered me, tied me up, and weakened me because of yesterday’s satiety. I ate one meal a day at home, but it was very filling. Because of my moral defect, the sexton was defective in the church in reading and singing the canon; I was defective in pronouncing the words of the litanies, irritable in spirit, angry. The weather was not favorable to the mood and health: a strong thaw after severe frosts, knee-deep snow. Again today I sinned with dislike and enmity against the brother of the reader Vasily Ivanovich Kutuzov for his faults and errors; looked at him angrily during Matins. God! May we have everlasting peace among ourselves. Knowing the need of my nature, that I need to eat and drink very little, and I always eat and drink more than what is required, every day. Oh, greed, which even animals do not have such strength as I do! Oh, sin with reason, not with ignorance! Always treat the sexton as a brother, equally created in the image of God, like you, equally redeemed by the Blood of the Son of God, equally a member of Christ, just like you; treat, I say, with love, meekness, kindness, humility, and equally with all the lower and poor; Likewise with all household and servants: respect in all the image of God, the membership of Christ. It’s the same with all neighbors, comrades, co-workers. Wake up! Because of damned gluttony, I suffered terribly in soul on Thursday of the First Week of Lent, especially during Vespers: the grace of God abandoned me, and I was absolutely unable, through the action of the devil, to pronounce many of the sayings of the Great Canon, especially the verses of the Trinity and the Theotokos: the evil one took root in my heart and paralyzed me, killing my soul. Oh, damned gluttony! O idolatry! Oh, vile deity - the womb! He sinned before God: he insulted a beggar and angrily told him: “Go to hell!” I was angry from the unsuccessful reading of the canon, from petrified insensibility, from the powerlessness of my heart! (At two and a half o'clock I ate boiled prunes, and then raw cabbage and grated radish and cabbage from the pie.) My heart became dense, there was no spirit or strength in it at all. During Lent I must not eat before Vespers if I am an employee. In general, abandon gluttony: be content with what is necessary. This morning I drank three and a half glasses of tea with candied walnuts, supposedly for health, and enjoyed it a lot. Don’t eat from morning to evening, lest you become like a madman through gluttony, according to the action of the devil. Don’t eat cabbage or radishes: it’s too heavy food for me. I sinned - I grumbled internally against God for leaving me, and I was bold and obstinate internally: I repent to the Lord God. (It was my fault, no one else.) Gluttony and satiety are the power of the devil against us; I myself give weapons against myself to the enemy. If some people were not gluttons, not greedy for food and drink, then with their prayers, alms, frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, and the labors of social life, they would long ago have been saints; but gluttony, this mortal sin, destroys all their labors; Gluttony is, apparently, a trifle that everyone loves. He who has ears to hear, let him hear. With an abundance of earthly blessings, how can one give up sweets, many people think? If God gave it, then we must use it; but they forget that because of their addiction to food they constantly fall away from God and work for their god - the belly, and earthly things are wise, not heavenly ones. It is good to strengthen the hearts with grace, and not with dishes from which those who engage in them did not benefit... their god is the belly [Heb. 13, 9; Phil. 3, 19]. Because of gluttony, people naturally fall into the love of money, and the love of money is the root of all evil [1 Tim. 6, 10]. Tea with wine (sherry) is hot, thrilling and relaxes the nerves. (Brother Constantine's pretzels are not healthy.) Friday. He served Matins when there was strong confusion and dirty tricks within the devil. I felt bitter, so I cried with grief. The evil one ate me to my full height, lengthwise and crosswise, and did not allow me to glorify the Lady, my Intercessor, when pronouncing small and petitionary litanies, just as yesterday he did not allow me to glorify the Trinity in the Trinity troparia and the Mother of God in the Theotokos. Well, his rage, his rage, and his malice! It seems that now, lately, he has especially great rage, knowing that he has little time. And how it tempts us with sweets, how it burns us, how it incites us to find our whole life in them and, because our neighbors take them, to hate our neighbors, because of rubbish, to hate the one created in the image of God, to whom everything has been subjugated from God. The more satiated and effeminate the flesh, the more it rages, the more greedy it becomes, the more it spares others its pleasures. But, obviously, one must despise her impulses and not follow them, putting all kinds of sweets and everything that values ​​the flesh so much into nothing. We must constantly keep in mind the incorruptible, eternal sweets of the Kingdom of Heaven, which the saints were vouchsafed by mortifying their flesh and rejecting the sweets here. Whatever your brother Constantine drinks or eats with you, or other household members, [it] is the same as a drop in a river: the constant tide replenishes the ebb of God’s gifts. Therefore, there is no need to spare anything for brothers and relatives or the poor, but with cordiality, with love, give them some of God’s blessings. He performed the hours and liturgy, especially the hours, under extremely grave temptations of the enemy; it seems that hundreds of arrows were stabbed into my heart: I was oppressed, exhausted, humiliated, embittered, darkened. Communion of the Holy Mysteries cheered, calmed, and revived. By the grace of the Holy Mysteries I held myself calmly in class and in confession (one hundred and forty-seven people). Saturday of the First Week of Lent. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy (early) in the Duma church without stumbling and with warmth of heart, to say the word and give communion to all the laity, numbering about two hundred. After communion, by the grace of God, I myself felt the Divine life-giving fire both in my mouth and in my insides. Glory to the Lord for everything! As the Lord asked, so the Lord fulfilled. During Matins and during the reading by the sexton of the rules for communion and when I performed the proskomedia, Satan played me many deceits, but the grace and mercy of God overcame everything, stopped, destroyed and protected my soul with the Divine world. May the grace of God always triumph in me, to the glory of God and to the salvation of God’s people. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Faith! Faith! Faith! To a believer everything is possible. During the liturgy today, the enemy raised a storm of anger against Father Deacon Peter out of trifles: because he put a square cover (on the holy chalice) under the cross, while I deliberately took it out from under the cross and put it on top so that it would be easier to take. It seemed that he did it maliciously; As soon as I diligently fell before the Lord, I tore out this devilish feeling that was in the depths of my heart. Oh, how you must pay attention to yourself every minute and completely avoid all feelings of malice. It is necessary to love and to love, even if people play dirty tricks, to endure and generously endure the evil that is zealously planted and fanned by the devil, the author of all evil. To pity all humanity, oppressed by evil and passions, to rejoice at every good thing encountered in people. During communion, the communicants were somewhat embarrassed by their nobility and beauty. But I tried not to pay attention to them. Not looking at faces [Russian: not looking at faces] [James. 2, 1]. How good I felt because I only ate one evening yesterday, and then after much effort. How easy it was both at night and in the morning! I hear good reviews about my ministry from many. I don’t know what they find so special about my ministry! I consider myself the last. If the service is good, then it is good in itself; if my service is good, then it is a work and a miracle of God’s grace, to which I will ascribe 214 all praise; mine are only infirmities, weaknesses, passions. Glory to Your compassions upon me, O Lord! Glory to Your power! It is necessary to provide for the consequences of our words and deeds, which we intend to say and do, the consequences of the very thoughts, views, intentions that they will bring to us: peace or confusion, sacredness or sin. How many sin, sometimes they repent too late because they do not look at the consequences! So, I would not upset my peace of mind if I kept my word on time or did not do any deed, foreseeing their unpleasant consequences in advance! Beginnings have a close connection with consequences. If you want to see the greatness of a person blessed with grace, read the lives of the saints. We marvel at scientists, artists, craftsmen, but the saints are incomparably superior to them - marvel at them: they conquered sin in their weak, sinful flesh. Know, man, your greatness and insignificance. Know that you are born into the world with a nature corrupted by sin and you will have to struggle with sins all your life. Know that you have to give an account to God, who created you, throughout your life; remember that you will die and that death is now subject to private judgment. Early mass in the cathedral with matins. Before the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, he served with God’s help safely, with tenderness; when invoking the Holy Spirit, he was embarrassed by the action of the enemy and did not utter the words twice: at the third hour of Your Apostle, and: Pure Heart, and: Your Holy Spirit, hurrying in the hope that the singers would soon finish, while they waited a long time after the end of the consecration of the Holy Gifts; blessed the Holy Gifts vaguely, was especially upset at the disharmonious singing of the sexton's song and the free singers rejoice in You; here the devil terribly excited me with his displeasure at the sexton, who did not bother to learn this great song. But I myself gave the ethereal enemy a reason to outrage me so much: in the evening I ate salted fish, raw salmon and herring, drank a lot of tea, which means I was partly intemperate - I broke my fast by eating fish; and because of this excess, the unclean one burrowed into my heart, like a rodent 215 into an unclean puddle or a worm into dung, and did a dirty job in me. The sexton could be excused: he sang the entire mass well with free singers, and they all sang in simplicity of heart, as best they could, although dissonantly, and yet the glory of the Queen of Heaven was proclaimed. I wouldn’t have to listen to the enemy, who turned the cacophonous singing into a reason for embarrassment and anger. A brother should not be embarrassed or angry with him because of any mistake: you cannot correct a malfunction with a malfunction, you cannot destroy evil with evil, you cannot wash away dirt with dirt, you cannot destroy physical disharmony with spiritual disharmony, but only increase it; Do not consider vocal dissonance to be a great evil, but consider dissonance of the soul to be a great evil. God! How can I take revenge on an incorporeal enemy?.. You take revenge on him... and cleanse me with this temptation and make me wise for the next 216 time. I went into the reader Vasily Ivanovich's house and sang lovingly with him. On this date, at eleven o'clock in the morning, a telegram was received from Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov that he had become a deacon. I didn't expect it to happen so soon. God bless! Yesterday I foresaw the mercy of God in a speech. At the beginning of Matins today I was upset that the watchmen did not fulfill my order: they did not bring the kamilavka from the Duma, or the Duma church. Value the grace of God above everything corporeal and earthly, and, moreover, infinitely higher: above all sweet food and pleasant drink, above every red robe and dwelling, above every treasure and wealth, above every movement of the voice, harmonious or discordant and disorderly, above any earthly honor or dignity and celebrity of this world - and do not exchange it for anything. If you eat food with your neighbors, eat it with love and peace and do not spare anyone perishable sweets, so that you do not lose the grace of God, offended by our greed and stinginess or addiction to food and drink; If you see a red robe on someone or wear it yourself, don’t look at it and don’t put your heart on it, lest you lose grace, offended by our vanity and pettiness, by our pursuit of earthly rubbish, of vanishing beauty; Do not be seduced by the beautiful chambers, the vast chambers, remembering that we are exiles from the beautiful paradise of sweetness and that the earth is a place of exile and sojourning, a place of sorrows and illnesses, temptations and all kinds of temptations, that there are many poor and needy on earth, that our peace is in God, our home is in heaven. Desire grace more than wealth, considering it an unimportant thing, and if you have wealth, squander it on the poor, on God's churches and charitable deeds, so that instead of perishable treasures you may acquire incorruptible treasures, instead of temporary ones, eternal ones; Do not have an addiction to it, so that in the event that you have to lose it or sacrifice it for the sake of poverty, you will not be wounded by pity and stinginess and not be caught by the serpent of love of money and not be deprived of the grace of God, this source of living water. Do not be embarrassed and do not regret when you lose something from earthly things, when something is broken from you or you break it yourself, or you somehow lose a valuable thing, when you notice any external disorder: do not deprive yourself of internal order, or peace and tranquility; Treat all unrest calmly, judiciously, dispassionately, cherish inner peace - a sign of grace. I thank You, Lord, for you daily raise me from the dead, who die spiritually every day; you revive, revive, renew in repentance and grant repentance itself with tenderness. I thank You, Lord, for you transform great confusions and spiritual storms into the world: out of a reed shaken by the wind, you make me a pillar and a stronghold, and how often do you do this, O wonderful One in Your goodness and power, Lord! But when will I be clean from all sin, Lord? When will I love the one truth with all my heart and hate lawlessness? When I see You, the Source of my life, holiness, truth, reason, strength, peace, boldness, every good; when will I unite with You, my First Beginning and Prototype, so that I will no longer sin and will forget the sins and iniquities in which I am so accustomed 217, which I have so learned? When will You grant this benefit to all Your people, to all Your chosen flock? When will you make him truly chosen, by deeds testifying to his election? But now we are all melting in lawlessness. February 15, 1871. Monday of the Second Week of Lent. I sinned gravely before the Lord and before my neighbors this day, by treating harshly one of the beggars who asked me for money for boots. I thought that he was deceiving me (how long will I not renounce my blind opinions?) and only wants to lure money from me in order to live in idleness, but he had a real need; finally gave him fifty kopecks, after much hesitation and reprimands. I was especially offended by him because he was dissatisfied when I gave him forty kopecks and said: this is not enough for me. He spoke the truth, but I considered it ingratitude and begging. I walked to the gymnasium and kept praying internally to the Lord for mercy. Finally, the Lord had mercy and gave me peace and freedom. The students were glad to see me, and the little ones flocked like flies, approaching the blessing. God bless them! Today, a poor young woman who lived in Vasiliev’s house in Kupech died. the street where I got my son to join the training crew. God! Rest the soul of this sufferer by forgiving her voluntary and involuntary sins! The devil, instilling in us an addiction to some thing, puts anxiety and impatience in us and forces us to rush to fulfill our wishes. So, when I came to serve Matins on Sunday and did not find my old kamilavka, which I usually put on and which I ordered to bring from the Duma church, I began to worry, be indignant at the guards and, at all costs, ordered to go and get it now, although a new kamilavka was provided, in which it was proper to serve on Sunday. Such is the evil will, such is the stubbornness of mine and my enemy! I got drunk and ate sweets in the morning (in Lent!) - and lawlessness drowned my soul and flesh! How I didn’t foresee the consequences, it’s as if I was living the first day of my life! How can I not abstain from eating and drinking in the morning until the evening! Was a receiver for A.A. Tsvetkov's son Alexander. Father I.K. baptized Tsvetkov. How he argued with Nilsky at the Reverend Paul! How he drove Nilsky into a slum! How the Eminence laughed! How Father John Tsvetkov treats sextons and deacons! He loved righteousness and hated iniquity [Ps. 44, 8]. This is what should serve as the motto of every priest, every bishop, every Christian: perfect love for truth and hatred of untruth and lawlessness. “The Lord knows those who are His”; and: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Tim. 2, 19]. I use the gifts of light, air, land and sea, sky and earth from the Lord - and this is every day; What will I repay the Lord for this, what can I repay Him? Nothing. I can and must only love Him with all my heart, thank and glorify Him, and carefully keep His commandments. God! Do not deprive me of the light of Your grace for the sake of my sins; take not the spirit of Thy grace from me; establish my heart on the rock of Your commandments; do not allow me to cleave my heart to the earth and its blessings, but let me think about Your kingdom above and love those future imperishable blessings, which eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor entered into the heart of man [Russian: the eye has not seen, the ear has not heard, and it has not entered the heart of man] [1 Cor. 2, 9 ]; God! Deliver me from the waves of the sea of ​​life and guide me to the quiet refuge of Thy Divine will, so that, fulfilling it, I will be the heir of Thy Kingdom. Be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourself in psalms and songs and spiritual songs (singing repeatedly), making melody and melody in your hearts to the Lord [Russian: be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord] [Eph. 5, 19]. If we want the Spirit of God, the Spirit of the Holy, to dwell in our hearts, as befits Christians, for if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His [Rom. 8, 9], then we should sing and sing hymns and spiritual songs to the Lord intelligently; and if we do not want to submit to the gentle guidance of the Spirit of God and we neglect spiritual hymns and public worship, then the spirits of evil will nest within us and a storm of passions will roar and howl in our souls. One of two things: either God is in us, or an evil spirit. Just as the element of the sun is light, so the element of a Christian should be holiness: you shine as lights in the world, containing the word of life [Phil. 2, 15 – 16]. He is not a Christian who is not circumcised in heart or spirit, who does not cut off his passions and does not become a new creature, but remains the old man, that is, with his old sins, malice, envy, covetousness, lust, self-will, stubbornness, laziness and other passions of the old man. If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation [2 Cor. 5, 17]. The desert has flourished like a tree, Lord, the pagan barren Church through Your coming. This is how our Russian Church, which was formerly pagan, flourished. How many spiritual krins 218 have flourished in it, various saints of God, from Vladimir Equal to the Apostles to St. Tikhon of Zadonsk? A whole spiritual field of Divine flowers, fragrant with the diverse flowers of virtues. About the closeness of true Christians to Christ, to the Mother of God and to all the saints as members of Christ, and about the obligation therefore to be saints. What wisdom of God is visible in the fact that animals for the most part serve as food for one another, both on land and in water! Because of this, there is no rot, stench, or ugliness in nature, but life, fragrance, and beauty are everywhere. Man himself, who during his life devours so many different animals, fish and birds, becomes in the grave the food of worms, of which only bones remain. Wonderful are Your works, O Lord: You have made all things with wisdom [Ps. 138, 14; 103, 24]. What wisdom of God is visible in the fact that God gave each person some talent or several talents and each animal his own ability: to the bee - extracting and storing honey, to the silkworm - to make cocoons, to birds - to lay eggs, and so on and so forth! How many fruits of the works of the animals themselves, how many incessant works of the wisdom of God! And the earth, the earth, the earth - what does it not produce annually and every day and every hour! Countless generations of fruits - and all for pleasure and food and for the benefit of man and animals! How numerous are Your works, O Lord! You have done everything wisely; the earth is full of Your works. This is a great and spacious sea: there are reptiles there, of which there is no number, animals small and large; there ships sail, there is this leviathan, whom You created to play in it [Ps. 103, 24–26]. According to the essence and promise of the Christian faith, we must expect spiritual, incorruptible, eternal blessings, and yet we ourselves chase after perishable things, clinging to sweets, to wealth, to the glory of this world. What kind of absurdity is this? Why does this man tremble over the sweets that belong to him, when others eat them without him, even his relatives? Why does he hunger for them, not being hungry, but on the contrary, being full? Why does he cleave to them, is he passionate about them?.. Why does this man tremble over his treasures and try to constantly lie that he does not have them, that he is a poor man, that the income he receives is barely enough to satisfy his immediate needs? Why does he live only for himself and does not want to give part of his benefits to the poor, who really have nothing: no daily bread, no clothes, no home? Why is he so hard-hearted and completely attached to earthly wealth, if he expects incorruptible blessings for himself, if he expects the great and rich mercy of the Heavenly Father, the Father of the orphans and the Judge of widows?.. This is how we deceive ourselves and others with our words and actions and want to appear pious, fair, honest, kind, compassionate. Or, apparently, being a hypocrite is half the battle when the treasures are full, when we are safe on earth all around, when no one denounces us? But how long will it take? The time will come when we will be exposed and when our pieces of silver will be scattered to shame us. Where will they go then?.. He healed others, but he himself fell into a serious mental illness - into rage and insolence with his hand (he pulled out a beggar by the hair) after confession. Is it because I was angry with the poor that they need everything and seek to satisfy their needs through me? Shouldn't we have pity on them as if we were half-brothers? And in any case, I must be meek towards them, wherever and whenever they ask me for help: whether in church, on the road, at home, whether at home, whether there are many of them, whether there are few of them, whether they ask for a lot or a little, for I can meekly and with love either give them or refuse. The most merciful Lord accepts my prayers, encourages me in every place, and I must show mercy in every place. And this is pride and whim that I only want to give alms on the porch. This is a vain desire for quick and unnecessary peace. Today I became angry under the influence of a hearty fish dinner and fish pie. Delicacy, gluttony, and satiety intensify passions, especially rage and fornication. And in confession I was so sensitive! I cried in prayer with sinners! After confession, I suddenly become furiously angry at the poor! I judge myself mercilessly! Forgive me, Lord, my great sin! Damn me! Why did you rush home? To work the belly, eat and drink. Why did I offend the poor, defenseless, unrequited beggars? Because of the womb, because of the blind womb. Madness! Crucify the womb! If I am strict with myself, then I will have no time for the sins of my neighbor, no time for condemning him: I will constantly judge myself, and it will be enough for me to deal with myself. How much time passes in the district court over the conviction of the crimes of great criminals whose crimes are complex! One criminal is tried for several days! How have I not yet become a lamb of meekness and patience, as one who so often and most sincerely unites with the meek and gentle Lamb, who takes away the sins of the world and mine, the Lord Jesus Christ? How do I still remain a fierce, insatiable wolf? And in general a tormenting beast?.. Imagining, on the one hand, the endless goodness of God towards me, the indecent one, and towards all people, on the other hand, the malice, greed, insatiability, ingratitude of me and many people like me and like me, endowed by God with all the blessings of people, I cry and weep and with grief I strike myself in the chest, 219 for great is our guilt and ingratitude before God. The one who is well-fed every day does not sympathize with the hungry and only becomes satiated himself. Today I accepted the Divine Food, united with infinite Life - and took pity on money for the poor, and embittered them: I gave it to fifty people willingly, and to six with great irritation and rage, because in the wrong place and at the wrong time, as it seemed to me, they surrounded me, since I was looking for peace and freedom. The weather today is very warm, and while it has an unfavorable effect on the body, it also affects the mood. Tightness in right side. Just now before mass there was extreme irritation of the nerves and demonic thorns inside; grace calmed me down after falling to the throne with prayer. She destroys all the infirmities and intrigues of the enemy. How do we live, and how did the saints live?.. That is why they will be our judges and accusers. Woe to us, woe to us who have become so vain. Woe to us who are saturated, woe to us who dress luxuriously, woe to us who luxuriously decorate our homes, woe to us for our corrupt customs, sinful habits, passions. In one thought, in one word - the whole soul, a simple being. Therefore, when reading prayers, say every word with your soul: let there be a soul in every word. Yesterday I didn’t finish my day’s feat as I should have: out of pride and internal thorn-bucking, I became furious with the beggars and pulled one out by the hair. I have sinned before God and people! I thank the Lord, who always punishes me for my sins - this is a great blessing, it serves to correct me. What would have happened if the Lord had not punished me? I became too mature 220, mired, hardened in evil; my iniquities would be more numerous than the sand of the sea, and there would be no cleansing, because there would be no sincere repentance. With punishments the Lord awakens us to repentance. Glory to Thee, Lord! Early mass. Saturday of the Second Week of Lent. Participants. During the proskomedia, the enemy extremely tempted the heart to evil, confused, constrained, worried; deliberate prayer to the Lord gave me peace. He performed the Liturgy quite calmly, although with spiritual impotence and a kind of involuntary coldness. At the great entrance the Empress was not spoken by name; then he served with warmth of heart, although the violence of sin to drown the soul was felt. At the deacon and sexton during, before and after communion, indignation was ready to flare up every minute due to the action of the enemy. When invoking the Holy Spirit twice, there is spiritual paralysis of the heart and a breakdown: during communion of the laity, the enemy washed away and weakened the heart, especially through looking at female beauty; but a sincere look in repentance at the face of the Lord saved me from wickedness and cooling of my heart. He finished the communion safely and sent everyone away in peace, by the grace of the Lord. At Gerasimov’s funeral service, the enemy severely paralyzed the heart with coldness and slyness, insensibility towards the grief of his family, and a kind of spiritual deadness. I remembered before the Lord in sincere repentance that it was not the deceased servant of God Anna who was dead, but I who was truly a spiritual dead man: a voluptuary, a money-lover, angry, envious, etc., and I began to weep not over the dead, but over myself, remembering the word of the Lord to the women who wept for Him: do not weep for Me, but weep for yourself and for your children [ Luke 23, 28]. I remembered the common troubles that befall people: some today, others tomorrow, me today, another earlier, a third later - and tears rolled from my eyes at the memory of these everyday troubles, and my spirit was humbled, and how I began to treasure the words of the Church spoken by the priest: For Thou art the resurrection and life and peace of the departed Thy servant Anna or such and such... Christ our God... - and the adversary who kicked me was put to shame. Glory to Your wisdom, glory to Your strength, O Lord! Whose love is manifested in my wife's love for me? Love of Christ. God is love... every gift... comes down from above [1 John. 4, 16; Jacob 1, 17]. I thank the Lord for my wife’s love. May I love the Lord above all things, above all creation. Dignified and righteous. Whose love is in the parishioners’ love for me? The love of Christ and His action. Whose love is in me for my spiritual children? Christ's, not mine. Glory to Thee, Lord, who works all in all. After the all-night vigil on Sunday. I thank the Lord, who gave me prayer and tears of tenderness and the strength to overcome at the end of Matins, or, more correctly, the first hour, the embarrassment and fear of demons and without stumbling to say the prayer to Christ, the true Light, to say absolution and ask for the usual forgiveness from the laity. At Gerasimov’s funeral service, he spoke firmly. God bless! During evening tea at home, the serpent of pride and voluptuousness was severely bitten when brother Alexei took sugar; embarrassed, somewhat embarrassed. The inner prayer of faith won. God bless! Self-love is also expressed in anger or insult at those who make disturbances or insults to us or do anything unpleasant to our feelings. The black bread is heavy: I ate this bread with almond milk, and it completely overpowered me: I could not finish reading the akathists and canons while preparing for communion. You shouldn't eat it at night, but eat pretzels or a bun, and then only a little. February 21. Morning. Wonderful in its richness of thoughts and sublime feelings, the song is an akathist with the canon of the Mother of God: in it, in truly angelic language, the wonderful, highest, most saving sacrament of the incarnation of the Son of God, the Savior of men, and the Most Holy One Herself, God’s chosen Author of this incarnation, are sung. The heart rejoices that this highest sacrament of the Christian faith, striking with its greatness even the minds of angels, has found a worthy singer among earthly beings, illuminated by the Spirit of God for the worthy glorification of the wonderful sacrament. Let us not be lazy in reading or singing this song, and let us not appear indifferent to the inexpressibly great blessings of God. I have been awarded by God the most heavenly service, the most heavenly Mysteries - and I live in enslavement to earthly pleasures, carried away by dumb animal instincts and passions. How long will this last? How long will the greed for food, for earthly wealth, for clothing? Eating sweets feeds voluptuousness and fornication, inflames passions, gives them life and strength, like oil to a lamp. Speak the words of your iniquity... that you may be justified [Russian: you speak in order to be justified] [Isa. 43, 26]: you see, confession of sins is the source of justification. So, loudly confess your sins to everyone in order to receive forgiveness, otherwise you will not receive it. That is why the enemy tries to bind the heart, cloud the mind, press the tongue so that the sinner does not speak his sins, or puts false shame in him. Wonderful grace - Divine Mysteries: with their help I triumph easily over the machinations of invisible enemies and, like a web, I destroy them. Perform the sacraments and prayers, and worship services in general, with boldness, strength, lightness, and cheerfulness; everything goes like clockwork, freely, easily. It is not in vain that grace is likened to oil. The christening in the church (of three babies) was performed easily and freely; at the artisan Lavrov’s in Krayushkin’s house, it was also extremely free and easy, gracious, solemn. I thank the Lord for celebrating the Liturgy peacefully and without stumbling, with tenderness, with strength and boldness, and for the non-judgmental communion of the life-giving Mysteries, and for the preaching of the sermon. Great is the grace of the Mysteries of God! Blessed is the one who has no addiction to sweets and pieces of silver, but considers them as rubbish: he is free from the snares of the enemy, he does not fall away from love for his neighbor, for enmity towards his neighbor most often comes from an addiction to sweets and acquisitions - the greedy and money-loving person places his life and sweetness in sweets and money, and not in God: he is true idolater. This idolater is me, the accursed one. Every day the Lord returns and replenishes what was taken by the brethren and given to the poor - and we are still dissatisfied, we are still greedy, although we ourselves are constantly, daily fed and clothed. How come we do not tremble and are not ashamed to anger God the Benefactor?.. Remove from us, Lord, the deceiver who lives in our flesh, hidden and nesting in our hearts! Teach to despise earthly sweets and earthly wealth. The enemy constantly flatters and fights my soul. God! Before I even die completely, save me. February 21, 1871. God! Save me from the ghosts and dreams of the flesh at home, on the street, on the road, in church during worship, in school, everywhere, for it is absolutely stupid, absurd, evil, deceitful, and not worth any attention; save me from the ghosts of malice, pleasures, ambition, covetousness, laziness and all other sins. May you always walk in Your truth. 22 [February] I thank the Lord, my Helper, for the stumbling-free performance of the divine service - the hours and vespers. Glory to Thee, my Benevolent One! My shrine! My peace, my boldness, my strength, my victory! Amen. How long will I be a child in adulthood and amuse myself with the game of eating and drinking often? How long is childishness? I have not yet learned to give alms always willingly, cordially, in simplicity of heart; I also often give with displeasure and annoyance, forgetting the Receiver in the person of the beggars. Woe to me, accursed, self-loving, voluptuous, money-loving! The marketplace of the Kingdom of Heaven is open, if only one could buy oil with joy, but [I] am overcome by stinginess and displeasure at those who sell! Do I still lack spiritual understanding?.. What does reading the word of God and the lives of the saints serve me so often? We spare others pleasant food or pleasant drink in order to become satiated and drunk ourselves and, therefore, harm the soul and body. Oh, ridiculous greed! We spare money for the poor so that we can enjoy luxury ourselves. The flesh has its own absurd statutes, which it teaches us and forces us to fulfill daily. Oh Lord! Mortify our flesh's wisdom and save us! Wishing good for every neighbor, no matter who he is, without any distinction of title, rank, gender, age, condition, you want it for yourself, for we are one body, and God arranges it in such a way that as a reward for goodwill to neighbors, he arranges for the good of the well-wishers themselves. So, sincerely wish the best for everyone and do not rejoice at the fall and misfortune of your neighbor, for the same thing can happen to you. With the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matt. 7, 2]. God! Anger drowns me: save me, Lord! Anger drowns me: save me! “When I cried out to the Lord in this way with all my heart in a feeling of repentance, the most merciful Lord powerfully interceded and saved me and did not allow anger to consume me, although it strongly stung and carried me away, like a fast river. Oh, now I have experienced the truth of the words of the Gospel: and the rain came, and the rivers overflowed, and the winds blew, and rushed against that house, and it did not fall, because it was founded on rock [Matt. 7, 25]. This rain, and these rivers, and these winds are nothing more than the attacks of opposing forces. The church is my soul or, in general, the soul of a Christian; the stone is Christ. The devil has fallen from heaven, and man has been elevated to heaven, therefore it is absurd to cleave to earthly blessings, for attachment to them is taught by the devil, who has lost heaven and was cast down to earth in order to grovel in the dust and tempt people, especially those who are chasing after earthly things. One must cleave to God and the heavenly, despising the earthly. How does God view us? As a body, as members of a single body, the Head of which is Christ. How important it is to be members of such a celestial body! Christ! Heavenly King! Raise us to Yourself - into Your Kingdom! We must pray for everyone as for ourselves, and wish the best for everyone as much as for ourselves. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the hours and vespers without stumbling on Tuesday of the Third Week of Lent and to overcome great temptations from the enemy by the grace of Christ God. Glory to You, God, who does not leave me. You see, Lord, how fierce the invisible enemies are and how weak I am, corrupted by sin, damned! Last night I ate with greed and pleasure fish (bream) and sweet jelly with almond milk - and thought that nothing would happen, my gluttony and satiation would go away safely, but - alas! - I was cruelly deceived: woe was to me from the adversary today at Matins, especially after the arrival of Father Matthew’s co-servant: the embarrassment of the enemy drowned me, and above all, my gluttony; the enemy raged within me, nesting in the womb, and fanned my dislike for my brother for his, as it seemed to me, love of money and deceit. And what do I care about his love of money, when I myself am not alien to it? It is envy that acts in me, envy of his enormous carnal resources; This means that I myself am alien to true, firm hope in God, who has so graciously and generously nourished me for the past forty years; This means that I myself am earthly, covetous, vain. And where is the heavenly wisdom and habitation befitting a priest? Where is mutual love? Where is the crucification of the flesh with passions and lusts? Where is abstinence and contentment with little? Where is voluntary poverty and humility?.. I repeat: woe to me from lust and satiety! Woe to those who 221 live in glorious food and dress in soft clothes! (Today I read this in church in the Baptist Gospel 222.) Why am I not jealous of any of the Fathers of the Church? Do I not imitate their abstinence, meekness, humility, gentleness, obedience, patience? How can I call them fathers? What kind of son am I to them? What copycat? God! You can destroy the ancient charm of malice and enmity, contempt and envy towards my brother Father Matthew, who is better than me and my eldest in the priesthood, and give me love and affection for him, as for my fellow member, as for Your priest, as for one created in Your image and likeness. God! Give me a sincere prayer for him, as for yourself. God! Destroy the evil in me, the ancient charm of the enemy! May I not be a worker of flattery! Let me not be a sensualist! I use black bread crackers and water for food and drink. O fish! Fish in Lent! How harmful you are to the soul! This is what it means to break the laws of the Church! Bitterly! What a terrible picture of destruction and ugliness sin paints hitherto, destroying our bodies with various diseases and deaths! This is how harmful and terrible it is to violate the wise and all-good laws of the Creator! How the Creator condescended to us, how much he loved us, becoming flesh and man for our sake and giving us His Divine Body and Blood for food and drink in order to cleanse, sanctify, renew, establish and deify us and raise us to heaven to sit on His throne! And we, ungrateful, unreasonable, neglect so much salvation, cling to earthly pleasures and acquisitions, as insignificant as a dream, and despise heaven. Oh, how criminal we are! You, Capernaum, who have ascended to heaven, will be cast down to hell, for... if the powers that were manifested in you had been manifested in Tire and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes [Matt. 11, 23, 21]. And I am exalted to heaven by the grace and generosity of the Son of God, for invested with the dignity of the priesthood I stand before the throne of the heavenly Master and, what is most amazing and ineffable, I partake of His most pure Body and His most pure Blood as often as others eat ordinary bread and drink ordinary drink. Lord, loving and long-suffering, have mercy on me and lift me up from earth to Your heavenly abodes, despising my sins and saving me in the image of fate. Amen. February 24th. Finding the head of the Forerunner. I thank the Lord, who saved me three times during the hours and liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts from the fierce machinations of Satan and who gave me the strength to read the prayer behind the pulpit firmly, avoiding the machinations of the evil one, satanic insurance. God bless! Well, now you’re full: how much do you need?.. Why did you cowardly cry that too many beggars are overpowering you? What a joy for others, that is, for those who are rich and do not care about the poor, but for you, the giver, sorrow from daily waste. But is your alms without a reward? Isn’t He faithful who promised to repay her a hundredfold and give eternal life?.. Oh, cowardly one! Oh, infidel! O covetous one! O sensualist! I must be very, very grateful to the Lord God for the fact that my relatives Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov and Anna Konstantinovna were awarded the great mercy of God: he became a priest, and she became a mother, and I became free from the obligation that I had to give to them. Out of gratitude for this, I must give alms generously and willingly and do more good to my poor blood relatives. Thank God for everything! This is the corruption of our spiritually sensual nature, that we cleave to the earthly instead of the heavenly: to sweets, to earthly wealth, to earthly glory, and not to God, Who is true, eternal sweetness, true, indestructible, inexhaustible wealth, from Whom alone is true glory. Oh, corruption! molestation! God! Grant me to remember, when I meet beggars asking me for alms, the greatness and countless multitude of Your gifts to me, a sinner, the abyss of Your mercy towards me, and always give alms willingly, with meekness, humility, and compassion. Forgive me for my stinginess, rage, anger, which I showed many times when giving alms. Malice also manifests itself in secret and malicious ill-will towards one’s neighbor, in envy, in ill-will, for example, a sick person cannot get up from his sick bed, someone who is in trouble will remain in it forever. Instead of all the corruptible treasures of this world, grant me, Lord, a pure heart, a passionless soul, filled with holiness and all virtue, for what is in treasures when the soul perishes in passions, when it lives in pride, malice, envy, love of money, lust, and not love of God? when is there [no] peace, Divine freedom, light, joy in it, when is it bound by spiritual shackles, cold and gloomy? Here I am bound by the bonds of gluttony and the resulting malice, envy, ill will towards enemies, covetousness and so on. So what? I am a slave, I am an illegal martyr of passions. God! Give me, instead of all treasures, a dispassionate soul, pleasing to God, filled with the fragrance of the holiness of Your Spirit! This is better for me than thousands of gold and silver. I, the image, must constantly strive and cleave to the Prototype God, but the devil, who himself has terribly perverted, turned his nature inside out, has perverted and is constantly perverting my soul, putting everything in it upside down: he forcibly ties my soul to worldly pleasures and through this turns it away from the Original and the Life, thrusts a burning weapon into my soul the sting of sweets and through them reigns fiercely in me, hurts me with them, corrupts me, kills me. O my soul, recognize the machinations of the enemy and hastily hate sweets and all worldly addictions and love with all your heart the Lord, Your Life, and those created in His image - and He will give you eternal life. (One glance at those who eat and drink our sweets without us arouses sinful jealousy and envy through the action of the enemy, poisonous tightness, darkness, shame, depriving us of freedom and boldness.) Spiritual, selfless love for one’s neighbor, about Christ, is heavenly love; love for sweets, wealth, beauty, glory of this world is earthly, devilish love. Due to the corruption of our hearts and the action of the enemy, who is constantly watching over us to tempt and seduce us into sin, and due to our absent-mindedness, passion and habit of sin, earthly, demonic love prevails in us for the most part. Alas for us sinners and ungrateful people before our Creator and Savior, who endlessly benefits us every hour and minute! Is it Him that we repay for the breath in our nostrils, for all the blessings of soul and body, for His redemption, for His cross and blasphemous death, for His Body and Blood as spiritual food and drink, for the eternal life? Do we love the creature more than the Creator? Do we listen to the flatterer and the deceiver more than to the Lord, the Truth and Life itself?.. Do we only eat and drink, and dress in soft robes?.. The devil successfully uses the addiction to earthly goods and satiety with them as a reason and means to cool us completely towards God and our neighbors, especially towards the poor and those suffering misfortunes, and makes us selfish, angry, proud, quarrelsome, envious, prodigal, drunkards, hard-hearted, offenders. He who diligently serves the flesh and, therefore, the devil, who does not deny his whims, who eats and drinks whatever and as much as he wants, collects thousands of riches for himself, is adorned with the glory of this world, there are no temptations with him: he is calm, talkative, laughs and jokes; he does not know the striving of the passions and the painful struggle with them, he does not know what the attack of the enemy is, his wounds, his kindled arrows, what the rebellion of the flesh is, what the earthly and material wisdom of the flesh is, so tedious, painful and harmful to the soul: he lives in an unceasing spiritual sleep. How often those who fight passions involuntarily become jealous of them, envy them and, like David, say: I envied the fools, seeing the prosperity of the wicked [Ps. 72:3], although later, waking up from the infatuation of wrongful jealousy, they repent and see that they themselves were foolish, for the apparent prosperity of all the wicked is deceptive and precarious, and they stand on slippery places, ready to fall into the abyss of destruction, from which may the goodness of the Lord preserve them! But grant us, Lord, to love one another and not be jealous of evil. February 26, 1871. How often my greed is the cause of absurd hatred for my brother Alexei, while I, damned, blame him for my hatred: supposedly he causes it. O my wicked flesh! O all-crafty enemy! Grant me, Lord, to see my sins, even 224 more than the number of sand of the sea, and not to condemn my brother, but to love him as yourself, forgiving him in everything, not counting him in pieces of sweetness, how much he ate, or in cups of sweetness, how much he drank. For all this is the deceit of the enemy and my flesh. Liturgy. Cathedral service. Before mass and during mass, the enemy brought such fire and such sorrow and oppression upon me that I could hardly bear it. The reason was taken from brother Alexei, who was drinking tea before mass: he regretted sweets for a moment, damned, and the enemy caught him and took him in pincers. The weather is dark, the atmosphere is humid, and the ground is melting. Yesterday evening I ate two apples, quite earthy, but didn’t wash them down with tea or dilute them with liquid. I think that was partly why it was hard. At lunch yesterday I was also not entirely moderate: I ate mushroom soup with gusto, a sweet roll with jam and almond milk, drank wine, and partly ate fish soup. They say: you can pray to God at home. To this I will say: one in the field is not a warrior. In the church, the united prayer of everyone, especially the clergyman, firmly defeats invisible enemies. Crush their invisible and combative enemies under your nose. February 27 [February] Today, during Matins, the ethereal enemy deposed at the special litany: he missed Metropolitan Isidore, then about those who bear fruit and do good in this holy and all-honorable church, also about the blessed and ever-memorable... creators of this holy church, and about all those who have reposed before; in words: Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed... I got lost twice, in Christ, the True Light... I couldn’t say let the light of Your face be marked upon us... the enemy faltered, became weak, and all because of food - the food confused me (sweet jelly, almond milk with white bread - not good, I need a little with black). I drank tea with lemon without appetite, without need, and quite a lot. It's my own fault. I had to drink some wine, otherwise my nerves would drop from the tea. Saturday of the Third Week of Lent. Buy lingonberries for soaking or jam; buy apples, berries for liqueur: currants, rowan or blueberries. There is no need to eat meat or puff pastries: they are very heavy. Drink as little sweet tea as possible or never drink it at all, but drink water or kvass. During Lent, black crackers with water. Intense heat inside this morning (January 23): yesterday I drank a lot of coffee and tea at almost the same time. Instead of tea, I would [...] drink kvass or water with sugar. (I drank three cups of coffee with cream and three glasses of tea.) I love cream, but it is heavy and indigestible to the stomach; greedy for cream, but in vain. And how many mental troubles are there because of sweets, because I feel sorry for them? Meals are for me a net and a catch... and a reward [Russian: net, snares and a noose for retribution] [Rom. 11, 9]. The ordinary natural process of eating and drinking by my brother - and he seduces me: it seems that he eats and drinks a lot, overeats and gets drunk, while he himself eats and drinks a lot and is ready to overeat and get drunk on others in sweets. Oh, damned one! Let me condemn myself alone, let myself be damned, but let me ignore others. Provide earthly sweets to those who wish, and yourself, as a priest, love heavenly, spiritual, imperishable sweets. Die for sweets. It's time! Eating just pancakes yesterday (February 1) gave me extreme loss of nerves, extreme irritability and fear: I was on pins and needles. In the evening, after the all-night vigil, I visited Father Vasily Mikhailovich, drank tea, and most importantly, drank two glasses of vodka and ate herring with great pleasure and goodness. At home I ate black bread with butter and cheese and drank a glass of tea. If there is anything, then especially don’t be sorry for others to eat the pie during lunch or dinner as the first change, because if it gets stale or cold, it will no longer be good. Let the family eat it for sweets. And do not regret anything, for everyone has their own needs, and no one will eat more than they need - nature will not accept it. “It doesn’t go into your mouth,” Petya the boy said. Share the meal with love; never be greedy and do not notice others who eats how much - this is a devilish incitement to incite envy, enmity, gluttony. February 2nd. I sinned today: I envied my brother Alexei and became greedy, sparing the pie during the first break. One beggar boy, whom I asked yesterday why he doesn’t live with the gentlemen where his mother lives, answered: they don’t let you live together, they say that you eat a lot - you’re so greedy. And in truth they deserve the name greedy. Am I not one of those people? Yes. Alas for me, a sinner! Forgive me, Lord! I ate plenty of grapes on October 7, Wednesday evening, and then an hour later I drank two glasses of tea, but the next day it was very, very difficult for me: both because of this and because of the snowy weather. I felt such a tug in my stomach, and the infernal force weighed me down even more. Shouldn't be enjoyed. And drink as little tea as possible or not at all. What a nasty feeling in the mouth after smoking a cigar in the smallest quantity! Just poop! And there is a tightness in the chest from the deprivation of grace and the presence of an alien! Lord, have mercy! Because you do not know how to use the freedom of speech that was given to you, I henceforth declare the following for execution: 1) do not ask me a question unnecessarily; 2) when asking a question, stand up immediately; 3) sitting while dictating a question by a student will be taken as insolence and disrespect for the mentor, and his question will not be answered; 4) offer questions only those that relate to our subject; to retain the system of history and historical material in general, write a summary of everything covered and prepare a summary for each class; 5) any conversation of other content during class is prohibited; 6) sit in an upright position, without leaning on the table or falling apart; 7) a lesson to answer, strictly following the textbook, adhering to its order, because when I answer some, I notice disorder, chaos or confusion in the head, the absence of any order and system; 8) write to everyone a summary of everything covered and prepare a short summary of the entire lesson for the future; 9) to determine the degree of diligence and knowledge of the student on the subject of church history, students will be asked to answer what has already been covered before; 10) for any violation of order in the classroom, students will be recorded in the journal. Note to self: keep a cool head. Crimean apples and raw salmon with black bread are very useful for me. December 23, 1870. Don’t eat cold [...] milk with cream: it’s heavy, it makes you strong. Heat. Remember that you need extremely [little] food and even drink given your lifestyle, and do not indulge in intemperance. Yesterday, Wednesday, I greedily (appetitely) ate fried smelt in quick butter (!), washed down with wine and tea, and I felt very unwell: I felt hot inside and weak at night. And fish strengthens, and tea, and wine. (You should drink honey: it cools you down.) Tobacco, after smoking it, is a real bad feces both in the mouth and in the air. He’s so unpleasant, he’s so disgusting! February 7, 1871. Gerasimov has good vodka. Sidorov's white port is good. To take more money from the circle and more salary - the wife is not engaged in matters of piety, but especially in vanity (however, she diligently pleases her own people, but I do not have the strength). During the Petrov fast I used cream with coffee and blamange - and during the all-night vigil I endured many temptations. Only the mercy of God, as a result of my strong inner prayer, supported me. You should not eat fish, especially fresh fish: lust is aroused. June 15, 1870. In my bodily weakness, I need to eat dairy foods during fasting in order to avoid involuntary irritability and anger, and avoid strong and sweet tea. Tobacco smokers feel short of breath and have a foul and bitter taste in the mouth. White bread is delicious, delicious, but unhealthy for me. During fasting, do not allow yourself meat unnecessarily, but milk and cream are necessary for you, due to your painful, that is, scrofulous, state, and it is sinless to consume them. Lenten food, and especially lean tea and coffee, greatly weakens my nerves. (Beer will not replace milk.) I am a worthless sensualist: from the 29th to the 30th of June I ate gingerbread at night and did not drink tea; it was hard at night. And in an hour at Deacon Al. I drank tea with black bread and butter and ate cheese. Don’t eat cheese with black bread at night, and don’t drink strong tea, especially chocolate: you don’t feel well and sleep restlessly. Generally avoid eating at night. Avoid chocolate like it’s poison. That's true. At night, do not eat a hearty meal, especially eggs; if you are hungry, then only one egg. It is extremely difficult from overeating the next day. Be sure to demand abstinence from yourself every day. During evening tea, eat only white bread in moderation; Do not eat black, especially soft ones: it paralyzes the heart (I mean in the spiritual sense). Don’t drink strong coffee, especially without cream: it makes you feel hot and intoxicated. Red currant is a very useful berry: it weakens (resolves). Drinking tea alone is harmful: it sucks in the sides. I drank three glasses and a half in the evening, and at four o'clock I drank coffee. In general, getting carried away with your appetite and overeating and getting drunk is harmful, if you retain vital seeds for a year or more. For God's sake, don't eat meat: your heart hardens. Do not drink more than one glass of sweet tea, otherwise desecration occurs at night. Before dinner, drink vodka only with a salty snack, for example herring or something else, with caviar and other things, and no more than one glass. Do not drink vodka with eggs. Due to the scrofulous state of my health, I eat a little milk or cream every day, but do not eat fish, especially with horseradish and vinegar - it also irritates [...] the blood; Also, do not drink tea with lemon, and in general, consume as little tea as possible. Tea does not nourish, but irritates and relaxes the nervous system. From excess food taken in the evening, the next day there is a scrofulous itching in the head. On May 10, I had a severe headache and some nausea due to the cold, stormy northern weather (snow and rain, winter, gray clouds). Tightness of the insides. On May 28, I felt ill and unwell all day in the morning; I served Matins with painful nerves and a sick spirit: as it turned out, before heavy rain in the evening. The wind is east. At mass he was pale and sickly, and could not speak. At night I ate curdled milk with sour cream - and did not sleep well, quite hard. At night you should not eat fatty foods, and in general only eat light foods, and only when there is a need. But yogurt strengthens the chest and the voice is clear, clear, and pleasant. (The sky is cloudy after yesterday's clear day and evening.) At night, do not eat fish at all, and in general, either not have a snack, or a piece of a bun or a light pie, or a well-baked cheesecake. Don’t eat porridge, especially don’t go to bed after dinner with porridge: your head hurts, nausea means your stomach is clogged. Walk after lunch. Before wet weather, and also in wet weather, do not eat black or sweet and sour bread with quick butter and do not drink with cream, because all this increases mucus, which is already heavy, but eat caviar or any of the fruits, raw or dry: this destroys or cleanses rottenness. Don’t eat thick Russian cheese - it’s a very heavy thing, it makes you sleepy. May 25. The most indigestible thing. But Chester cheese is a good thing in moderation. In wet weather, drink less, eat salty, not fresh or salty and fresh. It counteracts dampness and phlegm in the body. It is good to drink wine with salty horn. It’s better to drink a glass of milk at night than to eat fish, even during fasting. This is blood purifying decoction 225. Rumor that the teaching at the gymnasium is bad and they skimp 226. February 12, 1870 Do not apply pomade to your head or braid your hair after a bath. On the evening of June 11 at eleven o'clock I ate fish with black bread. At night profuse perspiration from neck and head. Don’t eat jelly and jam together, and don’t drink beer: it’s hard and painful. It is harmful to eat Provençal butter with black bread and drink tea together: it strengthens the stomach. Do not eat meat: it causes extreme cramping the next day and temptation to the enemy. Pecked Polish bread is very harmful: I ate it in the evening with butter, and because of it, when I got up in the morning to baptize a sick baby, I felt like I was tied up, barely moving my legs; my tongue was definitely paralyzed: I could barely speak. My breathing was not free, my stomach became rigid. Do not eat it: it is raw, like dough. - Not slandering the bread, but about your oversight: you opened the window on a cold evening after the bath and, dressed very lightly, stood at the icon case in front of the window [...], praying; At this time you caught a cold, and at night, having dressed lightly, you slept and became very cold. Dream: sea water with ice came into the city and swept away wooden houses. There is nothing more harmful to the nerves than boiled tea with a roll when you drink it at night. I experienced this on November 11, the day of St. Theodore of Studium. How awkward it is in the insides! What irritability! (The day before, Mikhail Osipovich had a snack at Britnev’s - and he felt heavy after the snack. But he ate little.) Don't eat or drink anything in the morning. I repeat this rule to myself again and again. (And I repeat November 16, 1870. Especially avoid white bread in the morning.) Eating chicken for me is good for scrofulous. During fasting, consume wine berries with warm water and sugar. They don't burden you. The voice is good. From now on I won’t spoil [...]: let him come to me himself, and not I to him. Strauch's Madeira is good for a ruble. Buy and drink for the glory of God for health, vigor and joy. Marsala 227 by L. Dmitriev. Lafite and Sauternes 228 from Dmitriev. Beer and honey at Kudryavtsev’s house opposite the Vladimir Church. Tsepov's Bavarian kvass is good. On June 29, 1870, with the cross on Peter's Day, collected: Father Matthew in the Cathedral part - eighty-one rubles, Father Archpriest in [...] - thirty-six rubles forty kopecks, by me, Father John, thirty-five rubles (and all forty rubles). June 14, 1870. Uvarov begs for firewood. In the morning one should neither eat nor drink: the heart is heavy, there is a lustful rage. November 4, 1870. In the morning, do not drink tea with sugar and do not eat, because there is no need. I sinned against the Lord by frequently eating and drinking early and unnecessarily. Moreover, you should not drink tea with wine in the morning: there is strong excitement in the blood and seeds. And you don’t need to put lipstick on your head either: all this [tends] your heart for the worse. Negliger (French) – treating something with disdain, inattention. Wed: food will dwell alone on the earth (Russian: as if you were alone settled on the earth) (Is. 5:8). Compare: He who did not spare His Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also freely give us all things with Him? (Rom. 8:32). Podustiti (Church Glav.) – to teach, to teach, to encourage, to incite. Vem (Church Glav.) – I know, I know. Zrak (Church Slavic) – appearance, appearance, image. Peter, a former publican (6th century), was a stingy man who never gave alms. One day, when Peter was leading a donkey loaded with bread, a beggar approached him, asking for alms. Peter became enraged and threw bread at the beggar, since there was nothing else at hand to throw at him. Two days later, Peter fell seriously ill, so that he was close to death, and he had a vision that he was standing in court, and his deeds were being weighed on scales. Evil spirits put on the scales many evil deeds that he had committed during his life, but the Angels did not find anything that could be put on the other side of the scales, except for the bread that Peter threw at the beggar - and this bread outweighed. After this vision, Peter gave away all his property and voluntarily went into slavery to a pious man. He achieved holiness and was granted the gift of miracles. The memory of Peter, a former publican, is celebrated on September 22 / October 5. Cleverly (Church Glav.) – mentally, mentally, spiritually, prudently. Wed: I will sing to the Lord who has done good to me and I will sing to the name of the Lord Most High (Ps. 12:7) (Russian: I will sing to the Lord who has done good to me [and I will sing to the name of the Lord Most High] (Ps. 12:6)). To be perplexed (Church Glav.) – not to comprehend with the mind; not to be quite skilled. Izhenet (3rd liter of Bud. tense from the verb to expel, to expel) (Church Slav.) - will expel. Compare: and the rain came, and the rivers overflowed, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and he fell, and his fall was great (Matthew 7:27); see also: Luke. 6.49. Tat (Church Slav.) – thief. Dismounted (Church Glav.) - hastily, hurrying, hurrying. In vain (church glory) - in vain, in vain. Sufficient (Church Slavic) – contented, sufficient, having the ability, strength to do something; see also note 41, 95. Ringing (Church Glorious) – ringing, sounding; cf.: If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but I am not an imam of love, I am like a ringing brass, or a clanging cymbal (Russian: If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but do not have love, then I am a ringing brass or a sounding cymbal) (1 Cor. 13:1). Part (Church Glav.) – fate, share, lot. Get off your feet (church glory) – move away, be deprived; brushed off - left, lost. Vegda (Church Glav.) – when. Pray mi sya (church glory) - pray to me. Krava (Church Slavic) – cow. In the hedgehog (church glory) - so that. 26° Reaumur (32.5° Celsius). Dorinocarried (Greek δορυφορούμενος) - lit.: accompanied by spearmen, bodyguards. Go to sleep (Church Glav.) - put to sleep. Alexy, a man of God († 411), was the son of rich and noble parents, but he renounced all the blessings of the world and spent seventeen years on the porch of the church, eating only alms and practicing fasting, vigil, tears and prayer. His memory is celebrated on March 17/30. John Kushchnik, venerable (5th century). Memory January 15/28. Zhelv (Church Glav.) – turtle. Get used to (Church Glav.) – get used to, acquire a habit of something. Krin (Church Glav.) – lily. Percy (Church Glav.) – chest. Zamatoreti (Church Glav.) - to grow old, become rigid, to remain in one state for a long time. Toliky (church glory) – so many; great, strong. Decoction (German) – a decoction of medicinal plants. Skimp (French) – neglect one’s duties, treat them carelessly. Lafite is a variety of red grape wine. 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