Дневник 1870–1871 гг.

A letter with eleven rubles was sent to his mother on March 25, 1870. A letter was received from her on March 20 (notification that Vasily Ivanovich received six, not ten, rubles). On Saturday, May 30, there will be a prayer service in the first officers' wing at twelve o'clock. Burakova - a book about Elder Seraphim, August 8, 1870. Prayer service at Karali's house on the swamp on August 9, 1870. The first rain in the spring of 1870 fell on April 2, in the morning, in the Sixth week of Lent. Bazhenov's tub. Two rubles. Drink lemon soda drink. Clears the blood of scrofula. Ponomarev's house - [Galk.] street. Ask Pyotr Petrovich Luzinov. Father Pavel Lamanov has my “History of the Old and New Testaments” by Popov. Send money to everyone at home and to the orphans. May 3. Be a warrior for Christian faith and piety to the end. Don't sleep. Know what's going on. Literary evening. Woman speaker. Both our theaters and our clubs run amok maliciously, for pleasure and corrupting humanity. [...] Govel. It’s a sin to ask. On March 4, 1870, the prosphora maker Rozanova lent her five rubles to Feodosya Vasilyevna Dremotskaya. Sharapov “The Wanderer” – book, March 7. Chernorutsky was given two educational books: “History of the Church” and “History of the Old and New Testaments” from the service. Pokrovsky - a book, [...]. Give Neustroev forty rubles before March 16, ten more after March 25. The words and actions that constitute the essence of the Sacrament, or ritual, or holiday, must be pronounced and performed especially carefully, calmly and slowly. You ate quite a lot this evening: tomorrow you won’t eat anything in the morning, until four o’clock in the evening. April 19, 1870. To Anna Nikolaevna Toluzanova on May 30. The fifth commandment speaks about the importance of the priesthood in the Church, about his leadership position and about the need for leadership and spiritual education of the laity. About the necessity of grace, or the Kingdom of God, in man. Do not self-important people hinder the inauguration of the Kingdom of God, thinking about themselves that they are learned and do not need the leadership of the Church, church services, fasts, rituals? The spiritual serpent always and everywhere stings with every kind of sin; everywhere and always it beats my insides with its tail or its trunk. Your loins are girded [Lk. 12:35], that is, by fasting, prayer, and contemplation of God. Our loins are not girded, we are relaxed when we eat and drink at the wrong time or too much, when we have lustful thoughts, or we carry within ourselves malice, envy, anger, or are lazy in prayer, etc. Whom the fatherland cast out like dross, whose very name corresponds to the blackness of his soul. There is nothing in the world that is mine – everything is God’s: there is nothing to regret. Force 7th grade students to read the history of the Church in class in order to repeat it all. March 16, 1870 Do not eat fish, especially herring, in the evening: it excites and produces fornication, especially through night dreams. Not having dinner at night is unnecessary and harmful to the body: gumboils, toothaches, heaviness (I ate three soft-boiled eggs, a little ham, radishes with black bread, [part of] white bread) (April 16). Do not be hard-hearted towards any beggar, but be kind and kind to everyone, because you do not know who is truly poor. Are these two beggar boys who stood at the gate today deceiving me?.. Notice. Why are you saving money, brother Konstantin? – What do you eat and drink, and what does Brother Konstantin [and others] do? You often eat and drink the Body and Blood of God, but he and other laymen eat ordinary corruptible food and drink. There should not be an earthly sting in you, but a sting of heavenly love. God provides everything necessary for life here, just as He provided. Don’t eat anything fishy at night: fish makes your heart feel heavy. On fasting days, do not eat anything in the morning and do not drink until lunch. Help, Lord! Strengthen my resolve. Do not eat fish during Lent for fear of heart tightness and despondency. January 28, 1870. The book “Lives of the Saints” was given to the peasant of the St. Petersburg province of Luga district Fedot N. in Kuzmin’s house in Vlad[imirskaya] street on September 20, 1870. Feodosya Feodorovna Nazarova was given “Conversations of St. John Chrysostom to the People of Antioch,” part II (June 9, 1870). The orphans who came to me were sent to the shelter of Ekaterina Stepanovna. Have milk as a constant food for the sake of weak nerves. Make a berry liqueur to drink for your health. Apples are very healthy to eat. The archpriest and the elder bothered about the opening of church guardianship - every day, at least on holidays. Britnev to talk about the passport of the servant Anna. A parcel was sent to the son-in-law on May 29, also an insurance letter with twenty rubles, a letter to the nephews with six rubles and a letter to Father Abbot Theodosius with a photographic card. Do not go to the pedagogical council with a pectoral cross, where they smoke a lot and do not pay respect to the cross; go with him to church, to services, to the houses of pious people; in other cases, wear a cross [...] or a medal. For brother Alexy, his ten rubles are enough for sugar and rolls and partly for grub; grub and so on are not sensitive and not [flawed] for me. August. To the district court: you, priests, are making us wait in vain for a long time; I will also make you wait a little, but righteously, for us. I will stretch out my oath in pronunciation: stand and listen, and learn it well by heart, if you don’t know, and if you know, then think boldly!!! There is so little food left for Grigory Ivanovich and Anna Konstantinovna that there is no point in thinking: live for yourself as long as you can. Let us preserve love, so that we may acquire the grace of God, or let us not remove it from ourselves through greed, envy, and malice; May God's blessing be upon us. In the morning, you should never drink tea with a roll, and if you have only tea, then only one glass, because there is no more need. Serving the poor is serving Christ, so do not be burdened by this work and do not be irritated or discouraged by the multitude of those who demand. Give according to your strength. Sorry, let's hear - let's listen frankly. The Lord our God, our common Father, is good, generous and righteous, to reward us with temporary and eternal benefits for our mutual love and self-sacrifice and expenses in favor of our neighbors. For His is the earth and what fills it, the universe and everything that lives in it [Ps. 23, 1]. If you say sincerely every day Our Father, Who is in heaven, then live unceasingly in love and do not fall into malice for a moment, do not be the devil. Bear temptations with patience; despise the belly with the flesh. O curser of humanity! O murderer! Who is this? - Devil. (May 5.) Alas! The thorns of passions have grown stronger in me and are completely drowning out the wheat of virtues. Alas! Because of worldly pleasures, love for one's neighbor and, consequently, for God dries up terribly! One man, before his death, said to his flesh: I rejoice that you are in pain, you are being destroyed, my slanderer, my enemy, and you will no longer be a nest of the devil. I speak about visiting prisoners in prison, or prisoners, in my sermons, but I myself do not visit them even out of duty. What does it mean? Or is it only possible to talk, but leave it to those who want to do it? Where is the example of a preacher?.. Alas! For my sins I am worthy of ten prisons - and to this day I remain free, by the mercy of God! And my brethren, prisoners out of necessity, perhaps committed sins and were sent to prison. I have learned a lot, but I still don’t know the ABCs, that is, curbing the womb. The root of all virtues is the restraint of the belly, and the root of all evils is the unbridledness of the belly. The Lord Jesus Christ first of all imposed fasting on the belly when he was tempted by Satan in the desert. And we absolutely need to wage war on the womb every day and defeat its whims. Burnt offering. Burn away all the old man - by the grace of the Holy Spirit. Let Your Holy Body be like fire, burning up the thorns of passions. Near twin: all people who are close are twins, because they come from the same blood. On the recommendation of the Right Reverend Philotheus, the widow Ulyana Dmitrievna Lavrova, a prosphora student from the Demid[ovsky] Lyceum, visited me today (April 27), Monday, from Yaroslavl, on the occasion of a misfortune that happened to her - the theft of a suitcase with money and things. A nice, spiritual woman: I had the pleasure of talking with her for three hours. At 11 o'clock I went to the ship. She asked to pray for the young man John. She told from the words of His Eminence Philotheus about how some archpastors, for example Nathanael of Pskov, when they died, left nothing; how commendable is almsgiving; that it is sinful for monks to leave behind capital to tempt people; that the laity should follow the example of monks or spiritual non-covetousness and love for God and neighbor. You regret trifles, I mean sugar. And this is something a Christian should not worry about. A Christian has one sweetness - Christ God. Jesus, Sweetheart of the heart. How good is this parable about a man walking from Jerusalem to Jericho and falling into the hands of robbers! Like all parables! How beautifully humanity is depicted here, beaten and mutilated by the devil! The neglect of the Old Testament priests and Levites, scribes and Pharisees, the merciful care of the Samaritan, that is, the Savior Jesus Christ, the structure of the Church, which is obliged to care for humanity, to heal it through its shepherds and teachers, who will receive a reward for everything. (To find Nikolai Matveyevich and heal him. Lord! Heal him.) It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them do not benefit [Heb. 13, 9]. It would seem that there is nothing bad - always eat and drink any food and drink with pleasure and to your fill; and meanwhile, through this, little by little, a strong addiction and greed for food and drink is formed, so that even after being full, a person still thirsts and hungers, or is stingy in relation to others who have real hunger and thirst, so that he himself does not eat and does not give to others. In the same way, it would seem that there is no problem in cherishing every penny and collecting and putting these pennies in a chest for a rainy day; and meanwhile, through this, little by little the passion of love of money is formed, turning a person away from God and hardening his heart, making him insensitive to the suffering and poverty of mankind, to the situation of people and to the destruction of human souls. It would seem that it is not a great misfortune, and not even a vice, to strive for well-deserved awards and distinctions, but through this quest, little by little, a giant of pride is formed, looking with contempt at everyone who is lower than him, considering himself worthy of all the blessings of this world, and others - although, perhaps, many are better than him - not worthy of these blessings. If he sees a sufferer, a poor man, he says: he is like that, he deserves it. Oh, how the passions of sinful souls and bodies corrupt, darken, enslave and humiliate our souls! How should they be removed in advance! How to pray to God with tears! How to rejoice at the opportunity to crucify them! How willingly you give in to your neighbors! How willingly to do good to them, to have mercy on them! Every day we all experience the corruption and madness of passions, and yet we indulge in them every day; Every day we are wounded, we perish spiritually, and often we suffer physically, and yet we work for it. Oh, the perversion of the image of God in man! Oh, perversion of God-like nature! There is safety in numbers. Many people need to unite together - and then wage war against the enemies. We are spiritual warriors. The Church is like a military camp; Here we gather for joint and, therefore, the strongest counteraction to our spiritual enemies - demons. Whoever does not come here, to this spiritual camp, is conveniently destroyed by demons, as we know of many examples. How do many people say that there is no need to go to church - you can pray at home? This means the same thing as saying: a soldier does not need to be in the ranks during a war, but to fight separately. Be in the ranks in which the Leader is the Lord your God Jesus Christ and the All-Blessed Queen Theotokos, and you will be invincible. Indulging in various pleasures and sweets, we thereby completely forget about the eternal torment in fiery hell, prepared for unrepentant sinners, about this eternal punishment for sins; and this [lies] us even more into sin, and we cannot sympathize with our suffering brothers due to the coarsening and dulling of feelings by a sensual life. Therefore, sorrows and torments are necessary in order to remind us with deeds of the torments of Gehenna and so that we know from experience how severe human sorrows are and how we need to grieve our neighbors by weeping with those who weep. The laity usually don’t pray before dinner: I know that, I’ve seen it. Pray for Maria Morgasova. August 8, 1870. Sins of omission. To the disciples: You must first be a Christian in order to be a good citizen. Anyone who does not want to be a good Christian cannot be a good citizen. Briefly: one must know and obey God's law in order to fulfill the duties of a citizen. My Kamilavka is a helmet of salvation. Pinega Archpriest Father Mikhail Pervushin. In order to be strong against the devil, who deceives you so much, you must always and unceasingly fast and pray. This race is driven out only by prayer and fasting [Matt. 17, 21]. And it was precisely abstinence that you always lacked. Let fish not be in your mouth throughout the entire Dormition Fast, except for the Transfiguration, and throughout Great Lent. Remember, Lord, Your servant Hieroschemamonk Ambrose, and Your servant nun (angelically meek and loving You) Rachel. May 13, 1870. The enemy develops a spirit of disdain for sacred words, things, and rituals. Since the ethereal villain, the scoundrel, the blasphemer blasphemes in me Your all-holy, precious, most sweet name, Lord, from now on let me hate with extreme hatred all kinds of sin and may Your holiness dwell in me forever, may I forever glorify and exalt Your venerable name. Wake up, wake up! Cross. This is the instrument of execution that You, Lord, endured for me: I kiss Your image on it and for Your sake, with my heart and lips. True repentance destroys the deeds of sin: therefore, sincere repentance is necessary for every sinner. The enemy destroys love with love: love for God - love for the world, for wealth, for sweets, for fame, for various things. Let us beware of earthly, carnal love. Both cheap and expensive are all free for me: because everything is from the Lord. Therefore, I don’t regret anything, I don’t value anything; because neglect of earthly things is peace, life; valuing them means languor, cramped conditions, fire, torment, death. Why, O man, do you still believe in sin, when you have learned its deceit and deceit countless times; Why do you still think that there is life in it, when you have known its mortality in all its forms a thousand times? Why don’t you still believe God, when you have learned through experience His truth and faithfulness without number; Why don’t you still cleave to Him completely, when clinging to God is good, there is peace and life? Why do you cling to things that do not give life, from which death vegetates in abundance? O vanity of man, how long will you be like vanity? Why do I make my carnal will a law for my neighbors, who help me for bread and salt, and why do I despise their will and be at enmity against themselves? This means that I am proud, stubborn, and voluptuous. (They put milk for fermentation, Grigory Ivanovich wanted it and ate it.) Destroy the nest of sin in me, Lord, my heart, and grant me to reject it, to be at enmity with unceasing enmity and to love all my enemies, equally all those who take or take away my acquisitions and humiliate me. Teach me wisdom on high. A shoemaker came and brought good boots to brother Gregory, who lived with me for some time, and I, the damned one, envied my brother, and also my other brother, Alexei, who ordered similar boots, as if I had nothing to make similar boots (I thank you for your generosity, Lord, and to me, unworthy) and as if I had nothing to walk in (if there really was nothing to walk in, and then envy is criminal); and sadly in the morning I sat conceiving, and I burst out in anger at my brother Alexei because of an empty case: that he did not tell Aleksandrovsky, a member of the customs, about his desire to become a ship's caretaker in the Baltic port. My God! How the enemy conveniently sows weeds in my heart, sows enmity, and how I must pay attention to myself every minute, how to avoid devilish envy, pride, self-love, malice, how I must hate myself and not love myself, how I must love and respect my neighbors and family, cherish their peace of mind, rejoice in joy, grieve in sorrow, refrain from outbursts of anger and tame the beasts nesting in the heart - I mean animal passions. The more I feed my flesh, the more I please it, the more it becomes inflamed with passions, the more fierce it becomes, and therefore it is necessary for me to tame it through abstinence, labor, prayer, vigil, contemplation of God, reading the word of God and the writings of the holy fathers. It’s a wonderful thing: within me there is a menagerie! Within me are crafty foxes, lions, bears, wolves, dogs, pigs and all kinds of spiritual reptiles; I have wickedness, pride, envy, malice, greed, lust and every sin in me! This is who I should always be at war against! Against myself, against the mental beasts crowding inside me! Are you afraid of sin, Christian, do you guard against it in every possible way, like a poisonous snake? Aren't you friends with him? Are you giving in to his flattery? Christian, are you renewed day by day? Or will you remain stuck in the same sins and sinful habits? If so, then you are not a Christian, but a pagan. Do not be ashamed and do not fear people, but be ashamed and fear God and the Angels and His saints, with whom you, by the grace of Christ, are one body, who are one Church with you; doing a good deed, why be ashamed and afraid? But if you do bad things, then be ashamed and fear everyone - for this is why shame and fear were given to our nature, to fear sin and so that those who commit sin would fear people, but not to fear a good deed: this last fear or shame is devilish, dreamy, illusory. Everything that is on my table is a gift from God: whether expensive or cheap, everything is a gift from God, which there is no need to feel sorry for anyone. But God is good, but our eye is cunning, envious, and stingy. Who can harm me when the Lord is all-good, all-powerful and generous with me? Absolutely no one. But if I am not with God, but with the pleasures of life, and with selfishness and curiosity, then everyone and everywhere will harm me, or, better yet, I constantly offend myself and others. It was in vain that I went to the All-Russian Manufacturing Exhibition and rubbed my eyes (June 6). I squandered the grace of God, satisfied the lusts of my eyes, and turned my eyes away from things above. I also trust my liar (old man); I have not yet hated my monster, my “I” with all my hatred; yet, alas, I am not Christ’s, for I do not yet have the spirit of Christ. What your brother takes from you (remember that the brother of your wife, with whom God gave you so many of His gifts), is a drop in the ocean. We must remember the words of David: I will walk in the integrity of my heart in the midst of my house [glory: walking in the integrity of my heart in the midst of my house] [Ps. 100, 2], and imitate the Godfather in his amazing gentleness. And I am often irritable and angry when dealing with my family; in other people's houses there is a lamb or an angel, and at home there is a goat or a demon. Sinful before God. Do you see the plans of Satan, the attachment of your heart to earthly things, distracting you from what is above and from the divine and from loving your neighbor? Rise up, take up arms, conquer. Who is in my heaven? and with You I want nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart faint: God is the rock of my heart and my portion forever [Ps. 72, 25–26]. Hate your soul, which strives every day to hate your neighbor and to earthly passions. Every man is a lie [Ps. 115, 2]. The vessel of the flesh is the same: its need is the same, and its capacity is the same. Why does a greedy person imagine that a person has a bottomless belly? Why doesn't he judge by himself? One simple, pious peasant said the following wonderful words before his death: “I did not eat sweetly, I did not wear red: Lord! accept my soul,” and with these words he calmly surrendered his soul to God. A lesson for us sensualists. What did you go to see? a person dressed in soft clothes? Those who wear soft garments are in the palaces of kings [Matt. 11, 8]. What is John the Baptist famous for, by the way? Because he ate locusts and wild honey, and wore clothes made of camel's hair, and drank water, but did not think about wine and strong drink. Sweet food and drink, especially excess, turn into thorns, goring the soul and tormenting a person. Every day there is excess and excess in the insides: the organs do not need this excess, for them it is just an extra burden, which they, however, must carry within themselves, with their tenderness and weakness; what is the end of all this? Human sickness, irritability, unnatural hunger for more; a person becomes angry with everyone who takes his favorite food and drink, although he does not need them, although he should be grateful for the fact that they take from him what causes him such harm. How the enemy constantly disfigures me. I begin to get to know people with fear of them, and often accompany a short acquaintance with contempt and enmity, instead of having constant and unchanging love, humility and meekness for people. How am I different from a drunkard? Nothing: every day I am drunk with passions. Why do I cherish the flesh - such an enemy of my soul, God and my neighbor, the enemy of holiness, truth, faith, hope and love, the worker of malice, envy, pride, covetousness, gluttony, fornication of all kinds, laziness, despair, murder, theft, wickedness and other things? Why have I not been diligently crucifying her until now? Where is Christian philosophy? Where are the Christian works? Is it the Christian’s business that I still live in anger, envy, gluttony, drunkenness, voluptuousness, laziness, luxury, hard-heartedness, stinginess, and love of money? This is idolatry, this is demonic possession, not Christianity. Don’t eat meat: meat caused severe irritation on June 6, especially after sleeping during the day. The persistent effort of our all-evil, ethereal enemy to incline our hearts incessantly towards mutual enmity and discord is remarkable. We need to resist the enemy with all our might and stand in love and peace. Lord help me! Constant incitement. Constant attacks. It is not often that there are prayer services in the gymnasium: do not rush, serve with complete sincerity, and may the Lord help you. I, a sinner, have matured like the ripe fruit of Sodom for Gehenna. People in this world, like in a field, ripen: some like wheat, others like weeds; some for the Kingdom, others for Gehenna. Olga Vasilievna Lebedeva in Veselovich’s house. Glory to the Holy, Consubstantial, Life-Giving, and Indivisible Trinity always, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen. May the man of God be perfect, prepared for every good deed. You might be interested in: