Август

I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to travel from Kronstadt to Moscow and Ruza and back, a total of 1,600 miles (in one week). I saw Moscow with its churches; truly, this is Russian Zion. Our Moscow is great, grandiose and beautiful. And there are so many shrines, so many shrines of the Lord! Holy relics, holy miraculous icons! And antiquities! In the city of Ruza, Archpriest Alex. Ivanovich Vishnyakov charmed me with his truly friendly welcome and cordial conversation! [Secretary] Ivan Alekseevich and his family also received us wonderfully! I visited St. Sergius of Radonezh, prayed, and even venerated the holy relics! It’s good that the beggars are chasing you, said Metropolitan Arseny of Kiev 45 to one person (Vasily Fedorovich Smirnov, a clergy official serving in a civil department). A conversation with an intelligent and educated woman, Larisa Evgrafovna, about the clergy in general, about the drunken and seductive life of the clergy, about what the clergy does not preach and how much they could do with their persistent sermons! Example: Ivan Nikitich Palisadov. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the late Divine Liturgy and to partake without condemnation of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries, which revived me after a grave sinful death! I also thank the Lord for Vespers! I venerated the holy relics of angels in the flesh, citizens of heaven, saints of God: the metropolitan saints Peter, Alexy, Jonah and Philip and our reverend and God-bearing father Sergius of Radonezh! How, after touching these holy relics, will I still work against sin? Cling to earthly things? And in me the name of God must be sanctified, the Kingdom of God must come, the will of the Lord be done, and I myself will be eternal. Here's a bathhouse, here's radish with kvass, here's sweet jelly, here's strong tea for the night! I have never been so helpless, weak, nervous, irritable as I was today at Matins! For fear of demons, I could not speak the litanies; I lost all boldness, all help, all consolation; the devil rejoiced and triumphed in me - and I, alas, suffered the torment of hell! Shame and disgrace covered my face, and I did not dare to look at people! In the bathhouse, it was as if I had stripped myself of the grace of God and put on Belial! Oh, I am sick internally in body, and therefore in spirit: I need to eat fast, nutritious, strengthening food, and not radishes and jelly. And tea should be avoided! Father Archpriest of the Ruza Cathedral outside Moscow said that a scrofulous person, according to doctors, does not need to eat anything except meat. And I have nothing but milk and meat broth! Oh, what inner weakness I experienced today! There are enough fasting people: and they have burdened me beyond measure, and even more than they have burdened themselves with their intemperance! I don’t need a bath, but cold water for bathing and drying my body, and yesterday I was steaming with a broom: that’s why my inner nerves are trembling like a leaf. Scrofulous does not need to eat sour (and I do), salty, spicy (like radish and kvass), and very sweet. And the face shows the corruption of the blood of a scrofulous person like me. There was no perspiration yesterday. This is also bad, and after the bath there should be perspiration, just like after tea, when you drank it contentedly. Traveling is decidedly harmful for me: I have to sit at home and do things. Oh, how harmful it is to associate with women, that is, to travel with them! At home, we must stay at home! On the way, I lost my boldness and neglected many good deeds that I should have done in Kronstadt. I thank the Lord, who cleanses my soul through fierce demonic temptations. I pray to the Lord to forgive me for murmuring, cowardice and blasphemous and cruel words expressed by me during temptations. During the journey, I became deeply hardened in heart from not following the usual rules of prayer, from rude people, from eating and drinking at the wrong time, from sitting incessantly - and now through temptations the Lord again prepares me into a vessel of His grace, painfully heals the ulcers of my soul, beats, strikes, shames me, eradicating my fornications, my anger, my gluttony, my envy and my other sins. I thank the Lord for everything. The devil has perverted everything in us and directs everything to evil, all our strengths and abilities: is anyone healthy and strong, according to the teaching and action of the enemy, using his strength not to serve God and his neighbors, but to serve the world and his passions; turned love for God and neighbor into self-love and love in this world, fear of God into vain fear, demonic fear of people, especially strong, noble, learned, rich; strength and ability to do good directs to doing all evil. Matins. Hard struggle and powerlessness; extreme nerve disorder and painful irritation, fear, self-doubt; he could not pronounce the emperor, or even the empress, by name; resistance from within. But we must always sincerely pray for God’s anointed one, for he, too, is a man with great weaknesses, moreover, he is a Christian sovereign, not a persecutor of the Church, not a tyrant, but a patron, and, while sinning, he has one Judge - Christ, the King of kings, and his spiritual father. My infirmities become extremely complicated before the onset of northern stormy winds and northern rain or snow clouds, as well as during them: tightness inside, melancholy, irritability. You shouldn’t drink lean coffee or with almond milk: your nerves become extremely weak, your voice weakens and becomes exhausted. O hereditary scrofula! How much grief, sorrow, misfortune, evil, shame I endure because of you! O clogged stomach! How much weakness, powerlessness, and shame you cause! Oh, the product of sin - rotten scrofula! Oh, Joblev's pus! Oh, the pus with which the devil overloads me, the source of eternal corruption and stench! But isn’t everything on earth decay and rot: the body, and gold, and silver, and silk and velvet clothes, and all earthly utensils, all utensils, all household furniture, all wealth? How long will all this be with us? - For an hour. God! Why don’t you invite the other brethren of the church to participate in the care of your poor: the archpriests and deacons? Isn't it their business? Why did you place a burden on me beyond my strength and, moreover, unleash on me ethereal enemies, like dogs, tormenting me mercilessly, but you do not give me the strength to resist them? I need to eat once a day, no more. Help, Lord, to bring my intention to fulfillment. It’s good that the beggars are looking for me, and I don’t have to look for them. Sweets are at war in me terribly: it’s better to eat meat soup than sweet tea and coffee. After mass. I thank the Lord, who performed in me a miracle of mercy, revival and renewal after the communion of His holy, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. You were dead, and come to life... and you were bent, and you were found [Lk. 15, 32; 24] in my Lord Jesus Christ, I was oppressed and expanded in my womb, I was weak and I was strengthened, I was sorrowful and I rejoiced, I was troubled and I was filled with peace! Glory to the Lord Jesus Christ, my infinite Life! I was naked and clothed in my incorruptible clothing, more than Christ’s, as it is written: You were baptized into Christ, you put on Christ [Gal. 3, 27]. One o'clock in the afternoon. After the all-night vigil. And during the all-night vigil I forced the Kingdom of God, which came inside me. Thanks be to the Lord, who allows us to force from Him the gifts of His grace - forgiveness of sins, peace, boldness, spiritual strength to defeat invisible enemies who mercilessly fight my soul in countless ways. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness, repentance, boldness, intelligent and spirited service. Christ, the true Light, said everything well, asked for a small release and forgiveness of sins with boldness and immutability. I thank the Lord. I sinned - I insulted the beggars at the fence of the church house; I repented to the Lord and received forgiveness. God forbid you ever become angry with anyone with bitterness. May I not stain the image of God in myself with anger and malice, and in others may I honor the image of God in every possible way, but may I arm myself against sin, and not against sinners. Give me patience, Lord! Intensified prayer miraculously renews, lightens, and comforts the soul and body, just as it does today during the all-night vigil! How good it is when you throw off the oldness of sin, like old, unclean, stinking, heavy clothing, and put on the imperishable, clean, fragrant, light clothing of righteousness! You'll definitely look ten, twenty years younger! Glory to the grace of God, renewing us, taking away from our hearts the weariness and burden of sin! Send money to Fathers Porfiry for services in my place. Hearing litias and litanies and church prayers, remember what a wonderful, holy community you are in: the holy Angels, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and righteous ones, who is your Head, the King, who is your Mother by grace, and try to become like these holy members of the Church, of which we are members. Lutherans and Anglicans do not have this happiness of being members of this holy society. I had a terrible breakdown of nerves on Friday and Saturday before the pouring, continuous rain: yesterday it rained, it rained tonight and on Sunday morning. Thank God for everything! I find myself personally ungrateful to the sovereign and empress, not pronouncing, although involuntarily, their names at the litanies and the great entrance; I forgot the countless blessings of God poured out on me through the sovereign. And the Holy Synod! Oh, how many benefits did I receive from him in my upbringing?! May I be mindful and grateful and may I always pray for them. God's service strongly awakens the sinner from sinful sleep and sinful death, enlightens, revives, cleanses, and renews him. How not to go to church? How can you not pray with all your heart? Otherwise you will die forever. And we die in sins every day. Sin does mortal work in us every minute. Many do not feel or know this and indulge in sin uncontrollably. Only death will show them how pathetic and given over to sin they were. Be deeply grateful and kind to your Nesvitsky family, as someone who takes the place of their father. Remember how many priests in villages live in poverty! And deny yourself, all your sinful aspirations, skills, passions, knowing that the old man, living in you and not yet dead, is a lie. Shelter, a piece of bread, a glass of water, a few rubles in reserve - and that’s enough for you. But the Lord is generous to you: there is nothing to worry about. Succeed in love. I thank the Lord, who prepared me for serving the liturgy by serving five prayer services before mass: if it were not for prayer services, how difficult it would be for me to serve the liturgy! Once again I was convinced that from the evening before the service I did not need to eat anything, drink very little tea, and drink a glass of something strengthening, for example wine or, better yet, a glass of milk! Last night I ate a consecrated loaf of bread and half a prosphora, and that was too much for me: because of the food, the enemy played a lot of dirty tricks on me, tied me up, entangled me - woe to me. With his father, a deacon who rarely served, he received communion somehow coldly: there was double hostility in the heart, deceit, and muteness on the lips. Woe to me, the accursed one, entangled by the enemy! A priest must be completely filled with love for God and humanity in order to always fervently pray for people before the throne of God and at home or in the homes of his parishioners. What a spirit of love for people breathes in all church prayers! Do we have this spirit in us? ABOUT! We rather have a spirit of self-love, selfishness, ambition, vanity and vanity than a spirit of love for God and people! (Today, during the prayer service, I was confused by a momentary concern that the chain of the pectoral cross, lying on a sweaty neck, would not darken from sweat, and by straightening it.) Sin constantly and destructively acts in us, darkens, outrages, defiles, rapes, binds the soul - hence the incessant need for prayer, vigilance, abstinence, forcing oneself to every good and resisting evil. The priestly ministry is angelic; above is Christ's service. How it should be filled with meekness, love, and patience! How holy! How jealous! But the reward is great! O Chief Shepherd! Help us! Wild, absurd, ugly, brutal are the aspirations, words, and actions of the old man acting within me: greed, malice, envy, greed, lust, cruelty, bloodthirstiness, fornication, willfulness, stubbornness, laziness, and other sins. (Today, with parsol 46, I hit a beggar on the head while running because he came to me asking for alms when I didn’t have time for it. I sinned before God! I starved the beggars for a long time with waiting and hunger! There are a lot of them, they say! You can’t get enough. And there was so much to give! I sinned before God! Forgive me, Lord! Today, at twelve o'clock in the afternoon at the gymnasium, I was deeply indignant, upset and depressed in my soul because my comrade and teacher of the law, Father Alexander Semyonovich Perov, came to the examination hall, greeted the director, but did not greet me: so, I thought, for the director he has eyes and honor, but for me he does not - and seeing, he does not see. But then he came up to me and said hello: the tightness and sorrow passed. How proud and ambitious I am! I thank the Lord, who saved me many times today from sins and hardships, when I looked at His holy icon with the prayer of faith. Does the iron heat up immediately when it is put on heat? Don't you need time and time? Will you immediately cut down or saw a thick tree? Don't you need time and time? Will the soul immediately warm up when we, sinners, damned, cold ones, begin to pray? Isn’t it necessary to gradually and sometimes for quite a long time warm it up with intense, meditative prayer? And if our prayer is very short and careless, then aren’t we cold and will leave prayer? - Yes. So, many deceive themselves, thinking that they stood at home or church prayer and prayed, when in fact they did not pray. Oh, how blind, vain, damned, cold we are! Tonight I was almost defiled in a dream by adultery from unclean ghosts of the devil - grace awakened in time, and I immediately cut off the vile sweetness with the sign of the cross. And how nature wanted to spew out the excess of seeds! How strong was the tension in the penis! How the devil takes advantage of the demands of nature for his hellish, vile purposes! Just like he and in general the effects of the surrounding nature on us, for example, bad weather or silence, heat or cold, dampness or buckets, he always tries to use them to the detriment of us, our body, our soul, our property! I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic defilement. I must kindly receive every poor person who comes to me, and especially an official depressed by poverty, as today; and I received him coldly, distrustfully, then I was moved at the sight of his extreme poverty, when he began to cry while talking about this. Oh, God forbid I be in his place, stretching out my hand for alms! Oh, how disgusting it seems to me after this that the luxury of the rich or the avarice of money-lovers, theaters, entertaining evenings with sparklers - thousands of magnificent, immeasurably built and decorated houses thrown into the air, etc.! My scrofulous scabs on my left hand came off because I rubbed cotton paper on them from the relics of St. Sergius, the Wonderworker of Radonezh. I thank the Lord for grace and mercy. It's good to walk outside the city. I slept great at night. I thank the Lord. You say: I am cold towards God and the saints, towards the Church, because I have little faith; How can I warm my heart into the love of God and love for my neighbor? And I can be cold, but I warm my heart, or, better, it is warmed by the grace of God through prayer, which is also often cold at first. And then, as we try and force ourselves to be sincere and through thinking about God’s constant benefits to us and about our sinfulness - anger, envy, pride, ingratitude, unrepentance, voluptuousness and our free repentance and insensibility, little by little it becomes warmer and warmer, hotter and hotter, so that tears often begin to flow. And so pray often, forcing yourself to sincere prayer, reflect: who and what are you and Who is God with whom you are talking prayerfully, and you will passionately love God, because you will hate yourself. Self-love is the main reason for coldness towards God and neighbor, and self-love consists of voluptuousness, covetousness, ambition, malice, envy, anger, impatience, laziness and negligence, disobedience and other sins: You who love the Lord, hate evil [Ps. 96, 10]. I loved righteousness and hated iniquity: therefore, for the sake of the anointing of Thee, O God, Thy God is more than a partaker of Thy with the oil of joy [Ps. 44, 8]. Yesterday I ate a lot of sweet lingonberry jam with white sieve bread, drank a bottle of beer, and that’s why my prayer in the morning was cold, lazy, and absent-minded. This is how sweets relax the soul! I thank Thee, Lord, for Thou hast pardoned me a second time, cruel and bestial and voluptuous and stingy, with great mercy, forgiving me my sins against the poor, children and adults, with whom I was angry and enraged in vain, healing the wounds of my soul and my confusion and giving me peace. Glory to You, Lord, long-suffering and abundantly merciful! But strengthen me in meekness, humility, love, non-covetousness, purity, humility and patience. Wake up! (He tore out a beggar's hair and his heart; he kicked another - oh the insolence, oh the atrocity!) Pastors and teachers! Excite souls to activity (and self-activity): make them think and reason about the main goal of life, about good deeds, about death, about resurrection, about Judgment, about torment and bliss. The water in the river is purified through flow through different soils. So are the souls from activity. Do not let yourself and your flock slumber in inaction; constantly awaken their mind and will and direct them to useful good deeds. You follow all the evil movements of your heart in order to condemn and eradicate them, and the devil watches all the sinful movements of your heart in order to confuse, oppress, shame, torment you with them, aggravate them and spin you in them, as in a circle, hopelessly. How narrow is the gate and how narrow is the way [Matt. 7, 14]. Why are we afraid for the darkening of the shine of gold or for the darkening of the red ribbon on which the cross hangs? Is it not because all this is perishable? And if it is perishable, then there is no point in bothering about these things, thinking about them, but bothering most of all about the imperishable. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness [Matt. 6, 33]. Be concerned about the salvation of souls. There were terrible thunderstorms in the evening: a whirlwind, thunder, dazzling lightning, very long. I admired one thunderstorm and trembled together in St. Petersburg, on Sunday in the apartment of Lavrenty Vasilyevich Gurnov, before leaving, on another - in the city of Ruza, Moscow province, in the homeland of father Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov, on Saturday, after the all-night vigil. Plain. Under the umbrella. Going to the church and the church itself is, others say, a simple ritual, that is, they want to say, playing with dolls without benefit or meaning. Oh, madness! Oh, nonsense! The church is the place of residence of the Glory of God, the earthly heaven, and service in the church is an angelic service that saves the soul. How many good changes are taking place in the church in the souls of true Christians! Give me, Lord, the Knower of Hearts, the grace and strength to conquer my heart and love those whom it hates, humble myself before those whom it despises, and do good to those to whom it would not want to do anything good. Wake up! God! Make Thy servant Anna, who lives with me, obedient to You, or separate her from me, so that I may not always be tempted by her disobedience and waywardness; Grant me to see my sins and do not allow me to see the mote in the eye of my brother or sister, but I do not see the log in my own eye. Human! All creatures are created by God and serve for you: cattle for you, fish for you, birds for you, insects for you (bee); the whole earth bears countless fruits and all kinds of plants for you; the sun is for you, the moon and the stars are for your benefit; air for you, fire for you, everything for you. But what are you to God? What will you bring as a gift from your side to the great-gifted God who loved you so much? The Creator Himself, the Son of God, exhausted Himself of everything for you in His incarnation, suffering, death: do you exhaust your possessions, your flesh and soul, corrupted by sins, for Him? Do you crucify your flesh for His sake with its passions and lusts? Do you renounce your lusts in order to fulfill His blessed commandments, leading you to bliss, greatness, and eternal life? No! No! Oh, how sinful we are, how ungrateful, insensitive, lazy, careless! What answer will we, the damned, give to the Lord who will soon judge us? O faithless and corrupt generation! How long will I be with you? How long will I tolerate you? [Matt. 17, 17]. (The sermon on Sunday is from this topic.) August 13. Tonight I hardly slept because there was a strong itching all over my body, and the itching was because yesterday I drank a lot of rowan tincture at dinner and ate an excess of vinaigrette, old cabbage soup, roast fish and then slept during the day: nature had nowhere to put the excess - and the excess began to spoil, natural scrofula began to intensify. What about the heart? The heart became more and more hardened. Oh! Holy fasting! How necessary it is for salvation! Mother of God! Forgive my great sin: during Your fast (Assumption) I live incontinently: I eat and drink to excess. August 11, 1872 When scabies began to overcome me yesterday, I smoked cigars, thinking that the scabies would go away, but it turned out worse: my mouth became scalded with the insides, and the scabies increased. Stop smoking! How partial is my heart to the vain goods here: food, drink, money, clothing, glitter! Yesterday, during confession, my addiction to money showed itself in me: I was afraid that another confessor might reach out and take the money lying on the lectern; I was so sorry for that money! And how it paralyzed my soul, outraged it, tormented it! Sometimes I couldn’t say the prayer of permission! So Belial confused me with his nets! And in a dream at night today, again, lovely dreams: the discovery of many silver coins on the ground (they were lying in piles); the rolls are soft, lean and rich, the dishes are different! All night long the soul is in the delusion of love of money and voluptuousness, all night long it is the devil’s plaything! (Where are spiritual dreams?) But what next? The owner of the money was found - the merchant Blinov, and before he was found, some cunning man lured a significant part of the money out of me; Blinov took most of it and left me about a dozen coins; I expected more; when I began to take them, it turned out that many of them were very old images of the Lord Jesus Christ, very dilapidated, on which the paint had come off in many places. (This is the Lord in the person of the beggars!) I didn’t like this find: I began to be burdened by it, I was disappointed (just like everyone will have to be disappointed in the here, perishable things) and wanted to throw these old images into the fire - many were with copper foil, not silver! This is how the evil one leads you by the nose! So we love silver, and not incorruptible souls, not brethren, not the Lord! Lesson! I thank the Lord, who saved me many times yesterday from the thorns and storm of sins! I bowed my knees before Him, the Most Merciful, in repentance - and received forgiveness and peace. Glory to You! Yesterday in the morning was for me a day of irritability, mental and physical illness, perhaps due to the fact that in the morning I drank a cup of lean coffee and two glasses of tea, had a snack and rolls, and in the evening yesterday I ate quite a few Revel sparrows and drank church wine. Probably, my stomach was very tight, as I felt, and that is why illness followed, irritability towards the beggars who were pursuing me. And in Kasatkin’s house on the tower he could hardly serve a prayer service: his voice was exhausted from weak nerves; fear, fear, doubt attacked me. In the evening I drank quite a lot of water - I felt better. I thank the holy Guardian Angel for the gift of tearful tenderness yesterday when reading the canon to him, my holy, heavenly, priceless guardian. My soul melted from a deep, repentant, hot feeling. Glory to the Lord, who does not allow me, the accursed, to perish. Where sin abounds, grace abounds [Rom. 5, 20]. God! I thank You, because through me, the humble one, You sent down Your grace to Your servant Theodore (Vasiliev) and took away from him the action of the enemy, acting in his mind. I thank You, for You have consoled me, the humble one, O good Comforter, and You have magnified me with the grace of the priesthood, even though I am not worthy of this great dignity. I thank You, Lord, for Thou hast deigned me to celebrate this day, to celebrate Thy Liturgy and to partake of Thy life-giving Mysteries after many grave temptations; I thank You, for You allowed me to suffer for the sake of the health of my soul; I thank You, for You have allowed me to ache with my legs, so that through my legs, through my feet, Belial will come out, having no place in my womb for the sake of Your Divine presence in it. I thank You, for after a day’s sleep and after communion of the Holy Mysteries, You have granted me an easy, peaceful, joyful whole day. Glory to You! Forgive me, Lord, for my former grumbling, cowardice, impatience, and blasphemy. I curse myself, Most merciful! Due to my corruption, my sister by wife Anna Konstantinovna appears to me in a disgusting and hateful form, and not in herself and in herself. Consequently, I must hate myself, and love her, according to the Gospel: love one another [Jn. 13, 34], constantly love one another with a pure heart [1 Pet. 1, 22]. Love your enemies... [Matt. 5, 44]. And if you love those who love you, what gratitude do you have for that? [ OK. 6:32], and if you greet only your brothers, what special thing are you doing? [Matt. 5, 47], forgive mutually if anyone has a complaint against anyone [Col. 3, 13]. We desire expensive, shiny, beautiful clothes, but our body does not need expensive and beautiful dresses: for decency, to cover our sinful nakedness and to protect ourselves from the harmful effects of cold or heat, rather simple but durable matter. This is also calmer for the soul: firstly, simple clothing does not arouse envy in anyone, secondly, there is no partiality or charm in the soul, or this destructive division of the soul between God and vanity, thirdly, our conscience does not [reproach] us for spending a lot of money unnecessarily, for allowing luxury in our costume and thus stealing the property of the poor, who have neither clothes nor a piece of bread. In fact, our conscience is calmer when our clothes are inexpensive, but simple and decent. Alexander Moiseevich yesterday praised Father Matthew’s sermon in the Cathedral about looking at us more often in the mirror of the Gospel. I need to talk more often. In Ermilov's shop yesterday we talked with Oparovsky about disasters and poverty among the Russian people: about cholera, smallpox, loss of livestock, hail damage to grain, destructive fires, drunkenness, foul language, debauchery, poverty among the people. I sinned before God at a prayer service in Marya Ars’s apartment. - doubt due to fear of demons and evil and nasty thoughts when reading the Gospel of the Mother of God and the Holy One. I sinned with a bold word, in absentia wishing the mayor Pyotr V. Kazakevich death for his supposed words about the poor townsfolk: for me - at least they all die. He repented to the Lord and had mercy. Another lives for his belly: if he is full and satisfied, he is at peace; hungry - he is not himself: irritable, touchy and offends others; received a good income - glad; received very little or nothing - angry and don’t get caught by anyone. But the scary and absurd thing is that we, immeasurably dishonored within ourselves by sin and passions, seek and seek honor from people and, if they do not respect us, we are offended, although inwardly, in the essential truth, we humiliate ourselves and despise ourselves. Fury when giving alms to the poor means our greed, for why would we rage against brothers like ourselves, moreover, the poor, the voiceless, meek, like lambs, if this Judas passion did not rage within us? Why do we show a stern, angry, contemptuous face to the poor, but to people who have their own wealth (property) we show a bright, affectionate face? Why is this hypocrisy, if not from this serpent of love of money nesting within us? So, abandon greed and be lenient and merciful to the poor, do not indulge in wordless rage, do not harm yourself, do not disgrace your rank. Meekness and humility are proper and characteristic of you, and not anger and contempt; Think, they, poor ones, are your members, more than Christ’s, although they sin. Yes, you are not without sin, but your alms to them serve you as cleansing of your sins. Lord Lover of Mankind! I thank You for your continued mercy on me, a sinner! For from the depths of my heart, with tears, I cried out to You for mercy, and You had mercy on me. The Greek hieromonk Constantine yesterday taught me a lesson in patience and perseverance of character (if I don’t want, I won’t do it, if I want, I’ll do it or I won’t do it). I praise the infinite mercy of our Lord, the Lord, who cleanses all my iniquities and heals all my ailments, who accepts repentance for my evils and is not overcome by my malice. Now, on the eve of the Dormition, He saved me many times from the fiery arrows of malice, from cramped conditions, confusion and the storm of my sins, from spiritual death He raised me to life, from cramped conditions to freedom, took away the stench of malice and gave me the fragrance of tenderness and goodness. I thank the Most Pure Mother of God, who gave me sweet peace and tenderness with tears while reading the canon of Her glorious Dormition; I thank my Most Blessed Queen for deigning me to read with boldness, peace, and love the section of the akathist to Her Dormition that was given to me. I thank the Fragrance of the Universe, Heavenly Beauty, Light more than any light, Purity more than any purity, my strength, my life, my Lady. God! Teach me to be consistent with my true Lady in holiness and purity, meekness, gentleness, love, non-covetousness, abstinence, obedience, patience, devotion to Your will. God! Grant me to be conformed to You, my Master, to walk worthy of my calling. Give me holiness, meekness, humility, non-covetousness, obedience, patience, faith, hope, unfeigned love. We must diligently delve into worship and apply it to our lives and activities, strengthening our faith, hope and love. You celebrate the Dormition of the Mother of God with the Church - learn to imitate Her virtues, always prepare for death through repentance and virtue, acquire a living faith in the resurrection of the dead and in the future life, and do not have the slightest partiality for this life. Do you want to be a spectacle of the crowd?.. Or are you afraid of the crowd? I thank You, Lord, for the grace of holiness and wisdom, which You have abundantly bestowed upon the luminaries of the universe - the apostles, hierarchs, reverend fathers and martyrs, especially those who left us their writings; their writings are honeycomb honey, a drink that heals, strengthens and gladdens souls, incense of the Holy Spirit, driving away the stench of our passions and sweetening our souls with the shrine of the Spirit; spiritual healing, school of repentance and tenderness; the heavenly light, in the darkness of life and sins, shining for us savingly and showing us the path of salvation, the path to eternal life. I thank You, Lord, for the grace most abundantly given to our holy fathers. Behold the pea grains [grown] into a great tree! We, the birds of heaven (by grace), soar in the branches of this tree - in their soul-saving writings, we delight in and are guided by their many different virtues. Glory to the grace of the fathers! This is why it is especially necessary and important to go to church, because in it the Heavenly Powers invisibly serve with us and all the holy people of God (as they are depicted on icons in some churches); we are not alone here - and our prayer is especially kindled and strengthened and gives life to us, renews us in the church with the assistance of the prayers of the celestials. But praying at home is not convenient for everyone, and for others it is completely inconvenient, because noise, knocking, worries of everyday life, sometimes the very air prevents us from praying. And in the church everything is favorable and encourages prayer. He is a house of prayer, just as the Lord said: My house will be called a house of prayer [Matt. 21, 13]. (Save, O God, Thy people... Let us pray to the Lord for peace for the whole world.) Why are we tempted and stumbled in prayer before the people? Because with the enemy’s temptations it turns out that passions have taken root deep within us, and the roots of grace are weak and shallow, and the thorns choke the wheat, suppressing it. However, human sins also suppress the priest, for he cries out to God for them and makes a bloodless Sacrifice, for them it is like a burning fire, scorching in his bones, and he weakens from everywhere and cannot bear it. We must preach loudly and often about human injustices. Say, O sinner, your iniquities, that you may be justified; say with all your heart, condemning yourself as a vile sinner, say: Lord! I am a fornicator, an intemperate person, a sensualist, a drunkard, a covetous person, zealously pursuing the selfishness of this world, and not the selfishness of my soul; an ambitious person, chasing the honor and glory of this corruptible world and not caring about the honor of a heavenly calling, achieved by a virtuous life; say: I am not a man, but a cruel beast, tormenting my neighbor, who relentlessly asks for my bread, my property; I am an envious person who is tormented by the welfare of my neighbor, who is getting rich and does not give alms; I am a blasphemer, a murmurer, impatient, cowardly, sad, disobedient, self-willed. Declare your spiritual ulcers to the Physician of souls, the Lord Jesus, and He will put a plaster on them - and you will be healed. This is true and happens all the time. This is said from experience. About the constant absurdities and contradictions to the law of God (our daily prayer), which we allow out of sinful inclination and recklessness, fear of sin. Why are we faint-hearted, angry, envious and trembling over the gifts of God when giving them to the poor, when generous reward is promised for everything from the Lord God? Yes, after this we should run with open arms to meet every poor, wretched, every orphan and widow. August 16, 1872. We sometimes make a big fortune and think, what should we do with the money? – we give on interest, and we receive interest; or we say: we will build ourselves a luxurious house and make a profit, or we ourselves will live in it on a grand scale, and so we do; or we say: let's plant a garden - and for human glory we plant a garden; or - we will make ourselves silk and velvet dresses or the finest cloth, we will buy a silver service, a samovar, teapots, cups, spoons, spoons, sugar bowls, dishes of the best porcelain - and we do: whatever we wish, everything is done according to our desire. And we think that we do it fairly: after all, we think, the money is ours, not someone else’s. But it’s not true: the money is not ours, but the poor’s. Look how many poor people there are - the Lord has given you plenty for them, feed them, clothe them, give them a home, give them work. Do you need much?.. Having food and clothing, let us be content with that [1 Tim. 6, 8]. We love to live brilliantly, but meanwhile our soul is gloomy, covered with the darkness of passions; we love the beauty of clothes, but our soul is ugly from sins, and this ugliness is terrible, because it will be eternal if we do not throw it off from ourselves through repentance and acts of mercy, if we do not put on meekness, gentleness, humility, abstinence, purity, obedience, mercy. This is how we disguise and deceive ourselves. We love space, not the clothing of humility. We are looking for wealth or we have it and still want to increase it, but the soul is poor, poor, all pitiful, cursed, filthy, and we do not think of throwing off this shameful poverty; We know well the various earthly sweets, but we don’t even think about the incorruptible sweetness of God. The naming of the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy angels and saints must be preceded by fear in us, for the Lord on high is terrible, the great King throughout the whole earth [Ps. 46:3], and we are insignificant and sinful, filthy before Him; the holy Angels are also holy and most holy; Most Holy Lady; saints are holy, and we are sinners. After our father, Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky, at a dinner with Sidorov Nikolai, the Assumption elder, made a caustic hint about my cowardice (embarrassment and fear that come from the devil), I can only cheerfully and loudly say everything required by the charter. Be silent and understand that I am God [Ps. 45, 11]. This is the commandment about holidays, the basis and reason for them. Without abstaining from the affairs of this life, from sinful habits and passions, it is impossible to understand God and love Him by deed, by fulfilling His commandments: You cannot, it is said, serve God and mammon [Matt. 6, 24]. We are all obsessed with the lust of the eyes, with visible beauty and grace and luxury, and have turned our inner eyes away from inner beauty, in the image and likeness of God, with which the Lord created us, we do not want to practice virtue, especially almsgiving. External brilliance, external beauty and grace blind our eyes. But unseemlyness and poverty repel our gaze, and we are in no hurry to cover the bodies of our neighbors with beautiful clothing, because we love only ourselves, we love to adorn only ourselves, our bodies, and not our neighbors. Oh, our damnation! We spend thousands on running lights, on entertainment, on clothes, on all kinds of luxury, but we spare pennies on alms. How does a Christian man achieve incorruptibility and the fragrance of virtue and the incorruptibility and fragrance of the body? – By abstinence, vigil, prayer, constant cleansing of the soul from passions, fiery love for God, patience, obedience, for then the Most Holy Spirit of God dwells in a person and fills him with all his gifts. Why do our souls and bodies emit a stench? - From sins, especially from intemperance, fornication, malice, envy, pride, rancor, gloating, disobedience and self-will, laziness, grumbling, etc. Our bodies emit an extreme stench from meat, raw, and dairy foods, but when we eat lean foods in moderation, especially only plant foods, then our bodies emit almost no stench at all. What will happen when a Christian always fasts and prays? During his lifetime, he will emit from himself the fragrance of every virtue: humility, kindness, purity, abstinence, love and mercy - and even the fragrance from the body itself. How long will you grieve me, damned demon? How long will you confuse me with various ghosts and make me speechless during public prayer? – I will rise and crush you under my feet in the name and power and power of my Lord Jesus Christ and the terrible sign of Christ God, shining in the likeness of the sun (pectoral golden cross). I will not hide it under a robe, but let it be in full view of everyone; the smoke of incense will not darken it, but let the demons be darkened by its appearance. Amen. God! Give me a heart that is compassionate about people, so that I feel sorry for everyone and do not feel sorry for anyone, for indeed people, and I myself, are worthy of pity in this world, adulterous and sinful, where one another is offended, one does injustice to another, one is deprived of another, where the enemy of the human race exposes that (race) to countless disasters. The enemy kills my soul with insensibility, pride and rage. Give me, Lord, a true view of people and things, for most of the time I have a false view of both. God! Tell me... the way, where I will go; for I have taken my soul to You. Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord, I have fled to You. Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God: Thy good spirit will guide me to rightness on earth. For Thy name's sake, O Lord, live me... take away my soul from sorrow: and by Thy mercy consume my enemies and destroy all my cold souls: for I am Thy servant... Hear me, O Lord, in Thy righteousness: and do not enter into judgment with Thy servant [Ps. 142, 8 – 12; 1 – 2]. The school authorities indulge me a lot, and I must be grateful to him, appreciate and love him and please him. Meanwhile, today, August 16, with some hearts towards the director, I refused to serve a prayer service before the start of the teaching due to the fact that the director deprived me of this year’s reward from the fee for coming students, which I was not worth, as I received a salary and income from the parish, that is, from the parishioners. To tell the truth, I’m also not worth a special award, like a distinction, because I perform an easy duty for a good salary. God! Give me a grateful, kind, unenviable heart! Grant me to respect Your will at the disposal of the authorities, for You have favored this. I am sufficient 48 of the money that Your servant N gave me to distribute to the poor, for this money saved much of my own money, which I gave very little of, giving data for alms. This is enough for me from Your bounties. Glory to Thee, Lord! The more we pamper our many-passionate soul and flesh here with sweets, luxury, amusements, the fiercer the fire of Gehenna will be for us, the more terrible the torment will be, which now, due to our lust and lack of faith, we cannot even imagine. The saints, wanting to appease the Judge of their sins in advance and get rid of them and acquire righteousness, rejected almost all earthly consolation and lived a harsh life, full of hardships, vigils and incessant labors, works of prayer, writing soul-saving scriptures and reclining on the bare ground, standing, doing handicrafts, serving the weak brethren, etc. But we do not care and do not Do we think about the terrible hour of death and about the unwashed Judgment, for which all earthly creatures will gather? Let us pray more often, according to the instructions of the Church, that the Lord may give us every day that is perfect, holy, peaceful and sinless, for the forgiveness of our sins and transgressions, for what is good and beneficial to our souls, for spending the rest of our lives in peace and repentance, for the Christian death of our lives painless, shameless, peaceful and for a good answer at the terrible judgment of Christ, remembering the Most Pure, Most Blessed, Our glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary, our Intercessor and Intercessor with all the saints, vigilant prayer books for us sinners, and betraying ourselves, each other and our whole life to Christ our God, our Head and our Savior. I thank You, Lord, for You have given me the grace to unfalteringly and peacefully utter the cry of requiem at the funeral service at Guzhov (Sizov) for the repose of Your servant Tatiana (August 16, 1872). Grant me this grace in the service of Matins and Liturgy and in every service. Do not be discouraged by the dirty tricks of the enemy in you - they admonish you, make you chaste, heal, renew and strengthen you according to the action of God’s grace, which allows these dirty tricks to befall you. I thank the Lord with all my heart, for His grace granted me alone, without a deacon, to celebrate the Divine Liturgy in the Cathedral (for Father Matthew) and granted me a peaceful and prosperous whole day. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the holy Sacrament of Baptism with a triumphant spirit at the merchant Luka Fedorovich Popov on the mountain, in Galkinskaya Street, and who granted me a sweet spiritual conversation with Adrian Timofeevich Sorokin. Glory to You, the builder of our salvation! The Savior’s self-exhaustion on the cross out of love for us with His Divine boundless greatness and holiness was so great that it is impossible to evaluate it lower with the angelic mind, not only with a human one - so great that the sun, not tolerating the insolence of the crucifiers, was eclipsed, the earth shook, the stones disintegrated. This is what the Lord did out of love for us! Oh! Looking at the cross, may I constantly remember the love of my Lord for me and may I say within myself: He suffered so much out of love for me - may I love Him more than anything, and may I love my neighbors as myself, may we all love each other, may we forgive each other, may we pity each other, may we have mercy on each other, may we help each other. God wisely hides from a person who succeeds in virtue his moral progress: he sleeps and rises night and day; and how the seed sprouts and grows, he does not know [Mk. 4, 27]. Not only I, a terrible bastard, and extremely weak, and weak in spirit and body, extremely impoverished, extremely naked, stinking, blind. Beware of the coldness of heart produced by the enemy towards any saints or people living on earth, for example, superiors or relatives, acquaintances whose names you remember in prayer: these coldnesses are the drying up of love, and without love where are we good? Friday. Serving the early liturgy today was painful for me because of yesterday’s heavy eating and heavy drinking at wakes and christenings; the anger of hell inflamed me to the extreme - the sevenfold furnace of the Chaldean tormentor of the pious furiously kindled 49 in me: I was irritated internally both with Deacon Peter and with the watchman, thinking that the reason was in them, while it was in me, in my gluttony (mortal sin), and in the devil, who with cruelty incited me to vexation and anger. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I was completely pacified by the Lord. I thank the Lord, who is patient with me, who has mercy on me, who saves me, and who does not deal with me according to my iniquities! And satiety and drunkenness must be extremely avoided. Time to fast! Oh, how weak I am in spirit and body! And for someone else’s bread and salt you have to deal hard with the devil. Sorrows, temptations, persecutions, torments are allowed upon us by God to punish, cleanse, strengthen and renew our souls and so that we clearly recognize all our sinfulness, abomination, damnation, all our weakness and extreme need for grace, or for the merciful, saving, guiding, enlightening and reinforcing power of God. The Lord understood these saving sorrows under the fire with which gold is purified, so He says in the Apocalypse: I advise you to buy from Me gold, purified by fire, so that you may become rich, and white clothes so that you can be clothed and so that the shame of your nakedness will not be visible... Those whom I love, I reprove and punish. Therefore be zealous and repent [Rev. 3, 18 – 19]. Glory to Your all-saving faith, O Lord, by which I am saved daily from my great evils and evils! Glory to Thy infinite mercy, Thy goodness and prompt obedience! I am ashamed of my face, as I constantly fall into the same sins, the absurdity, madness and destruction of which I have long experienced: pride, malice, jealousy, envy, ill will, anger, irritation, greed, satiety, stinginess, greed, ambition, despondency, laziness, carelessness, negligence and other sins. Three times today You saved me, O Lord, from my troubles, from my evils, in which I melted. When I sincerely, in repentance, appealed to You internally, realizing my repentance, You immediately extended a helping hand: You brought me out of cramped conditions into space, transformed confusion into peace, anger into kindness, cruelty into meekness, pride into humility. You raised me from the dead, You revived, renewed, enlightened me. Grant me, Lord, peace with my family! Grant, Lord, to my wife Elizabeth, good obedience to me, her husband, as the head, and from her obedience there will be peace. Give her sister Anna the prudence not to take away from her husband the wife that You married him, for this is regrettable in my eyes; Let Anna, her sister and mine, be content to be content with a gift, without doing anything to me, room, table, service and all things! Or let me rejoice in their love, just let them do all their household chores and not sit idle. The Savior did not suddenly appear on earth after the creation of the world, but 5,508 years later - not suddenly mass is celebrated, but in the evening there is vespers, then matins and the first hour, the third and sixth hours, and finally the liturgy - imitating the natural order, as was the creation, preparation, appearance of God and the redemption of the world. On Saturday, August 19, at the beginning of my turn, in the evening there was extreme confusion and demonic possession, the power of passions and confusion and torment from demons in me, a sinner; He was very angry with the beggars and upset himself greatly. Well, the poor in Kronstadt! Darkness of topics. But the government and society don’t seem to care about them! God! Judge them. And for me, Lord, grant me to live not for myself, not for self-love, not for lust, ambition, vanity, vanity and bodily peace, but for You, my Master, for Your lesser brothers, in whose person You Yourself; grant me to respect in them Your members, Your servants, Your children, Your images, birth 50. There is no need to sleep during the day: your heart becomes rough. You need to read more of the Gospel and the Bible. Why do I rage and lose my temper, giving away what belongs to others? Why don’t I rejoice when I sow the seed of alms? Are there many beggars? But not beyond our strength. The more trade, the more profit, the more seed is scattered, the more abundant the harvest. Do not do this only with the poison of the serpent’s malice, not with this bitterness, so that instead of sweet fruits you do not reap the bitterness of hell, instead of the fruits of life, the fruits of death. Eating well and sleeping a lot and peacefully is a disaster for the soul; when he finds temptation, greed or greed - death for the soul; through it passions take root and become fiercer than animals. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and kind prayer during the all-night vigil, but at home, due to the action of my passion, I suspected in the words of Anna Konstantinovna and in her sincere friendship with my wife, her sister, evil and abandonment of me - I quarreled with them and caused confusion in myself and in them. I sinned before God. And this is all a consequence of the sins of youth. Anna Konstantinovna, although proud and capricious, is truthful with harshness. I thank You, infinitely merciful Lord, for once again you had mercy on me and brought me out of the depths of sin, forsaking my sins, and after the confusion and burning and tightness in my insides from a former quarrel with my family, you gave me peace, coolness and space. Glory to You, glory to Your faith. The roots of passions have clung deeply to my soul and from time to time, like vipers, they give birth to their offspring - anger, malice, envy, quarrel, fornication, greed, selfishness, ambition, self-love. The bodiless enemy grabbed our heart with his paws, that is, with worldly passions - self-love, envy, love of money, voluptuousness, worldly pride. Because of these passions, today I quarreled with my family after the grace-filled service of the all-night vigil in the Cathedral. After all, I am pleased with everything, rewarded by God, but I found a pretext for enmity with my family in the fact that my wife does nothing for me, but everything for my sister Anna, although Anna Konstantinovna is a sister, and should help as a childless woman - who has children, as someone who has a fortune - who does not have it, as a married woman - to a widow. Oh, jealousy! Oh, envy! Belial constantly darkens our souls with worldly passions - we walk in darkness. Prayer and sincere repentance enlighten us; however, some repentance itself comes from the enlightenment of the soul. If we do not serve God, then we serve dead passions; If we don’t sing to God, then we sing to the devil his songs, their name is: self-love, voluptuousness, greed, ambition. It is better to serve God in order to have the fruit of eternal life, than to serve the devil, who rewards his servants with eternal death. From the very morning, the feeling of the flesh, or carnal passions, seeks food for itself, - from the very morning our soul must seek spiritual food for itself: its first thoughts, its first aspiration upon awakening should be towards God and to heaven and to the abodes there. August 20. Morning. I forgive everything to my sister Anna, may she forgive me too. Let this word be deed and truth. Be a helper, Lord, in this matter, in a matter of infinite importance, for either salvation or destruction depends on it - salvation in case of fulfillment, destruction in case of non-fulfillment. Yes, I pay attention to myself! Oh, when will I live up to my high title through my deeds, the title of Christian and priest, and above all, the title of man, the verbal creation of God, in the image and likeness of God! When will I avoid wordless passions: anger, pride, envy, selfishness (my selfishness should be God and my soul and the souls of people), carnality, vanity, self-deification, laziness! Oh, what is this Kingdom of Christ my God! What peace there is in him, what joy, consolation, what light, what truth! How good it is for me here on earth, when Christ reigns in me! Yes, I strive, let everything strive steadily towards the Kingdom of Christ, incorruptible, unshakable, eternal, all-joyful! You are thirsty and looking for news: I will try to satisfy you - here is the eternal news: God appeared in the flesh and with His Blood renewed our nature, corrupted by sins! Christianity and the Christian, saved, adored - this is eternal news! Renewal of corrupt humanity, raising it to eternal life, seating it on the throne of the Divine! - this is news that never gets old! Renewal through Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance, Communion, Priesthood, Blessing of Anointing - this is news! Oh! Why hasn’t the faith of Christ penetrated into the depths of my heart, why hasn’t it taken deep roots in me, why hasn’t it uprooted passions and planted great virtue in me, renewed and transformed me? - From my negligence and worldly addictions. This is the reason why the faith of Christ did not take possession of my entire being. I did not deny myself, did not take up my cross and did not follow Christ in my deed; I am also proud, voluptuous, selfish, ambitious, envious, unloving, unkind to everyone, lazy! Brethren, like me, worn out in iniquities, weakened in spirit, darkened in the eye of the heart, weary and burdened with sins—isn’t it time for us to be renewed and throw off the burden of sin? How can this be achieved? – With tears of repentance and a fiery prayer for mercy and especially communion of the holy, immortal, life-giving Mysteries of Christ God, who renewed with His Blood our nature corrupted by sin. Cry tears of tenderness every time you sin due to human weakness or the evil habit of passions! Say: Lord! We have sinned, we have committed lawlessness, we have acted wrongly before You, we have not observed, we have not fulfilled as You commanded - but do not completely betray us to our iniquities, our passions and our enemy, O God of our fathers, but save us by Your mercy. From yesterday’s disagreement with Anna Konstantinovna and my wife, I came to the conclusion that Anna Konstantinovna is really not similar to me in character, that she is truthful, harsh, and I don’t like to hear this from the youngest member in my house out of pride and pride (from whom will I listen to the holy truth?), but that she is generally a kind woman, with noble feelings - only she is very proud and proud and wants everything to be hers. They walked around, everyone served her for free, without asking themselves: what did she do for others? He loves idleness and inaction, however, if he gets down to business, he does it with zeal. (Her character depended a lot on her origin, or birth from an archpriest father and mother, a woman with great pride, and in general on the environment in which she grew up, so her habits are excusable.) And my character depends on my origin and on the environment in which I lived at home and in schools, the seminary and the Academy. Due to a bad conscience and a multi-passionate heart, some people are offended by everything that in the speech of others hints at some kind of sin, at some passion, the bad side that they have, and because of everything they are ready to be angry with their neighbor, to quarrel with them, especially with their family. A painful, sometimes unbearable condition both for those in it and for those around them. Another person is a beast at home - an angel in people; approves of strangers, extols them, scolds and reviles his own; He loves strangers and hates his own. After late mass and vespers. I thank the Lord, who worked with me now during the liturgy the miracle of His goodness and omnipotence in the resurrection of my soul from spiritual death, in deliverance from crampedness and fierce sorrow, in the rolling away from my heart of a kind of stone mountain, when with extreme effort and persistence I cried out internally to the Lord for mercy and salvation from inner crampedness and death; At first I had no voice, but later, when the Lord had mercy, a free, clear, loud voice appeared. Intensified prayer before the Lord can do a lot. And during the evening meal I was completely exhausted in spirit and body from the pie and mushrooms and from the afternoon sleep, and also because I didn’t drink anything liquid after dinner: my stomach was completely hardened and clogged. After Vespers I drank some tea and felt lighter. I thank the Lord for saving me from a surge of anger when I prayed with all my heart. May the Lord God remember Sister Anna Konstantinovna in His mercy and grant us peace. I want this and I pray for this. Be a witness, Lord! May Thy mercy, O Lord, be upon us and upon all my house. I trust in the Lord, for the seed of the woman will erase the head of the serpent in me. God! How evil intensifies to reign in me to torment me unceasingly! how suspicious I am of all evil - and I see and imagine evil in myself and in others, and Belial constantly forces me to do all kinds of evil: anger, rage, hatred, quarrel, envy, jealousy, greed, gluttony, drunkenness, fornication, sleep, laziness, love of money and avarice, despondency, disobedience, self-will and stubbornness. I look slyly, I hear slyly, I touch, I smell - everything in me is spinning upside down and spinning me around. Savior! Save me! Let God rise again, and let His enemies be scattered [Ps. 67, 1 ]! God! Where is Your Kingdom? Where is Your will? How can you fulfill Your will with such madness and whirlpool of passions, with such a whirlwind? I'm perplexed, Lord! Have mercy on my weakness, calm the storm of passions yourself! Let us give ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God. No matter what happens to us, to our neighbors, we will hand over everything to Christ our God: joys and sorrows, sorrows and misfortunes - we will endure everything. God! I have sinned before You many times during the performance of services, Sacraments and prayers, while blessing Your people with the hand of negligence, coldness, reluctance, haste, then grumbling, insolence and blasphemy or doubt, cowardice and fear; I have sinned before You by my contemptuous and violent treatment of the poor, and by my servility and affection towards the rich and noble! I have sinned without number and I am sinning before You! I have sinned by being suspicious and quarrelsome in my house, stirring up quarrels and stirring up enmity over empty pretexts. Teach me meekness, humility and patience, O Lord! Sinner of sinners, save me, Lord! Weak of the weak, strengthen me! The character of all creation is love - for example, look at the love with which fish, birds, insects, animals raise and raise their children, how they look after them, forgetting themselves, not knowing fatigue, how they protect them from troubles; Look also with what wise and tender foresight, care for preservation, with what motherly love nature brings into the light new stems or leaves, flowers of plants, how carefully she covers them, gradually unfolds them, preserving their tender members or tender part, how she props them up, carefully nourishes them, etc. Ah, looking with attention at nature, you will immediately be convinced that the Creator is God love, that God is love [1 John. 4, 16], as the divinely inspired holy apostle and evangelist John, the confidant of Love, says. And in humanity, how far has this endless, passionless, holy love of God extended! - Until the incarnation, until self-exhaustion, before suffering, until death, and death on the cross for sinners, the ungrateful and evil-willed; We are not talking about the fact that this love was revealed in the majestic creation of man himself in the image and likeness of God, in the planting of a special royal dwelling for him - paradise; in the appointment for him of all creatures and fruits of the earth, in the possession by man of everything earthly; in man's destiny to eternal bliss. O man, love this love, fulfill its commandments, which are the manifestation of love and life, your bliss; flee from sins, no matter how tempting, charming, sweet they may be, for they are enmity against God and against yourself, they are death, and death is not only temporary, but also eternal. People! Love each other, take care of each other, help each other. And listen to the church services, prayers, chants - what all-protecting, all-saving, all-encompassing love breathes in them! What a sigh, condolences with us! What tenderness! What a voice of love, meekness, unforgettable malice, patience, exhortation! How she suffers from our infirmities, cries with our tears, rejoices in our joys! Morning after Matins. Demonic darkness in the soul, intrigues, deceit; the soul is as if dressed by Belial - painfully and vaguely. From drinking a lot of tea, especially the inappropriate drinking of milk at the dacha, in the carriage house (at Vassa’s and...), from a glass of vodka and most of all from smoking a cigar there outside the city, and from milk drunk at home at night, and also from temptation in a dream and fornication desecration - at the midnight office I could not speak the litany and dismissal: confusion and demonic fear takes over, and that’s all; I can't help but take my breath away. Smoking is the breath of demons, through this smoke the evil one enters and, like a net, entangles our soul with it. We have loved corruption and with corruption all captivity of the enemy. Woe to us! The holy prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints left us, as fathers to their children, ancestors to their descendants, the priceless heritage of souls - the faith of Christ, saving us from sin and death, overcame sin by the grace of Christ, completely loved God and their neighbors, did not spare their souls to preserve faith and true piety, set and are giving everyone a wonderful, striking example of faith and virtue, saved and saved many they save from sins into eternal life and therefore are worthily blessed by the Church all the days of the century and are called for help. These are the friends of God and the friends and benefactors of humanity. What heritage is more valuable than the incorruptible, Divine treasure of faith, which leads us to God and the eternal kingdom, giving us the key to all the treasures of God's goodness, wisdom and omnipotence? During Matins, Mass and Vespers it was very difficult for me today: I could barely serve; tightness in the chest. It turned out that it was before heavy rain and a thunderstorm. It’s wonderful that the bottle of honey burst from the warmth and from the approaching thunderstorm. What is it like for a sick person, a weak vessel! What a tightness inside! May everyone living in my apartment be one: sister Anna with the children and I, my wife and my servants - I owe a lot to their father and mother, unspeakably obliged: both to this place, as a promised land, and to my bride, my good wife. Away with all grief towards Anna Konstantinovna and his wife, all cooling off! It’s better to look at the passion and depravity of my heart and cry about it before the Lord. Am I cramped in an apartment so wide? Is there any disadvantage? No. We must thank God for everything. I thank the Lord, strong in battle, who through my prayer showed me strong help against invisible enemies to pronounce the great, petitionary and special litany. If you do not care about the perishable needs of your neighbors or the poor and poor, although you can within your own means, and you put your pennies and rubles too dearly to give anything to satisfy the necessary needs of life, then who will believe you that you sincerely wish them spiritual benefits and just as sincerely pray for them to God, for their spiritual advancement and salvation? Alms, given in simplicity or neglected, are the touchstone of our love or coldness towards our neighbors, our kindness and self-sacrifice or hardness of heart and self-love, and if one of us is a shepherd of the verbal flock, it is an indication of whether he is a true shepherd, laying down his life for the sheep, or a hireling, and not a shepherd, shepherding only himself and not caring about the sheep as not his own. If he is unfaithful in unimportant things, such as perishable wealth, daily bread, clothing, housing, and does not give these to the poor and strange, then how will he be faithful in important things, in caring for the salvation of souls or in their shepherding? I thank the Lord for the wonderful salvation, healing, renewal of my entire poor, sinful and painful being, which followed after communion of the Divine and Life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord. How calm, easy, joyful, and joyful I felt after the confusion, hardship, cramped conditions, and the bitterness of the enemy (during mass). Glory to the mercy of the Lord! I spent my first grade at the gymnasium well and peacefully, but before the second and during the entire class (6th) the enemy stung, oppressed, and disgraced my face with regret about the loss of my umbrella, which, however, ended up at home, as I learned after class. Such an unimportant thing caused so much mental harm! What a passion for the world! What a loving and beloved life! Lord, have mercy on me. You constantly need to force yourself to prayer, to reflect during it, to the feeling of your sins, your unworthiness, to tears of tenderness, to the consciousness and feeling of God's great long-suffering towards us, of God's countless blessings, such as: bringing us from non-existence into being, creation in the image and likeness of God, redemption by the Blood of the Son of God, promises of a future life, etc. Without If you force yourself to reasonable and sincere prayer, you will remain callous in soul, petrified in heart, uncorrected in morals, a slave of passions. Why? Because the enemy constantly does his work in us secretly and openly - the work of sin of every kind, constantly sows tares and quickly grows them, takes strong root; one must constantly pluck them out, although sometimes with extreme pain. We have loved ghosts and not the truth in this world, and therefore God has allowed the devil and his slanderers to confuse and torment us with the ghosts of this world. But have mercy on us, Lord Lord! Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who has bestowed upon me His grace, His power to perform this day’s Matins and Liturgy in a loud and clear voice, especially the Liturgy, and to defeat the invisible enemies who have been treacherous within me. Through the intercession of the Most Pure Mother of God I got rid of evil demons, especially at the great entrance, when I commemorated the empress, whom I could not remember before and could not name. Oh, how good I felt today after the liturgy, how calm, easy, joyful! Glory to the Lord! I prayed to the Lord fervently, that I might get rid of all evil against my household for their frequent eating and drinking and ignorance of fasting: they neither study themselves nor teach their children abstinence, but fill them with all their might with meat, milk and eggs. But is this tempting me? I'll leave it to them. And I myself will take care of myself: is it not out of envy, greed and stinginess that I pretend to eat and drink a lot? Isn’t the devilish malice hidden in this greed and stinginess? Isn’t it your own greed and insatiability? - Yes. I thank the Lord for his immeasurable mercy towards me, a sinner, who through my prayer transformed my rage into meekness, anger into kindness, confusion into peace, cramped space into space, fire into dew, death into life, shame into boldness. And I was angry with my wife and Anna Konstantinovna because my white blanket was soiled with baby feces and was not washed. When I noticed this with anger, they took him and washed him. God forbid you rage - it is painful, deadly, absurd, shameful. An ardent man is a beast. Some people have so much free time that they don’t know what to do with it, how to kill it, and they come up with various games, pleasures, feasts: yet we value time little and waste it on vanity. Meanwhile, for everyone - oh, how much work there is always at home, in one’s soul, on self-knowledge, on purification, correction, sanctification, improvement! But this most important matter is rarely done, rarely is anyone involved, rarely is anyone understands its full importance! And that’s why time is lost irrevocably, life flies, we live in vain, and die in vain. A Christian must try to maintain as much peace and silence as possible at home, to love passionately everyone, both at home and outsiders, not to be upset with them, and from home life to carry the love and silence of the soul into the church and into the homes of parishioners, so that peace reigns in his soul everywhere. But woe if there is disagreement and discord at home, and the same is brought to the Church. Thursday. Morning. Pain in the lower back from intemperance in food: on a fast day I ate a light meal - cheese, butter, puff pastry with apples, salmon with mealy sauce. I have sinned before God! Until now, damned one, I have no control over myself or my stomach. During Matins there were severe temptations, embarrassments, kindling (malice) from the devil: he was in me and I in him because of yesterday's satiety and breaking of fast on the day on which our Lord was betrayed to suffering and death (Wednesday). I sold myself, accursed, to the devil for food and therefore was deservedly tormented by him. The sexton Kamnev was furious with the enemy for his drunkenness; I heal others, but I don’t heal myself. Doctor, heal yourself [Lk. 4, 23]. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not feel the plank in your own eye? Or how will you say to your brother: “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” but behold, there is a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye [Matt. 7, 3 – 5], - give up greed, gluttony, satiety, anger, rage, envy, embarrassment, pride, internal fornication, etc., and then you will be able to heal your brothers. About four o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for Your ineffable gift - the gift of mercy, purification, sanctification, peace, freedom, healing and strengthening of soul and body, sent down to my unworthiness in the communion of the holy, most pure, immortal and life-giving Mysteries during and at the liturgy, which I perfected by Your grace, Your mercy, strength and power. Amen. I passed three classes at the gymnasium safely. The pie of Father Deacon Peter Alekseevich Sofronov (name day) was extremely difficult for me today, as it was extremely fatty, without soup, and homemade, with carrots and apples. The wine, consumed on an empty stomach, stunned me, and with extreme difficulty I served Vespers and performed baptism in the church: the quick pie lay like a stone in my entrails; I made extreme efforts, extreme screams when reading the baptismal prayers, so as not to remain dumb, voiceless. Here I sinned before God, not with boldness, but with the audacity of screaming prayers like a knife. I drank some tea at home and it became easy. I laughed at Nikolai Grigorievich Sidorov in the evening: he stumbled behind a stone pedestal at the gate of our house, walking to Deacon Sofronov. To love and respect all people, learn in advance to respect and love your family: at home the foundation of love is usually laid. Love imperishable beauty, imperishable, heavenly honor; incorruptible, spiritual wealth, incorruptible, spiritual, eternal, most excellent earthly sweetness; imperishable, eternal light, everlasting brilliance; incorruptible clothing, incorruptible food and the same drink; an imperishable, eternal church, and not earthly rich, luxurious chambers; imperishable nobility. This is what a Christian should love, and not chase after the vanity of this world, for the world passes away, and so does its lust, but he who does the will of God abides forever [1 John. 2, 17]. How joyful this is for the righteous! By depicting the sign of the cross on ourselves, we depict on ourselves the Crucified One, stretching out His hands on the tree of the cross for our redemption from eternal torment. The sign of the cross is important and important! One must portray it reverently and with great faith. The sky was wonderful at night today: the stars were shining brightly, not a cloud in the sky, there was complete silence. I mentally looked to the Creator and Ruler of the World, who indicated the laws to the creatures that so precisely obey Him; He prayed to Him that I too would get rid of iniquities and stumblings and learn to walk in the path of His commandments, and that His people would all learn to fulfill His saving commandments. I read the service for all days to the Lord Jesus. No matter what the adversary serpent instills in you at home or in the church regarding co-workers or household members, no matter what evil feelings he puts into your heart, no matter how he pushes towards vexation and anger - do not listen to him, but remain calm and good in your soul, that is, meek and kind. For all his suggestions and services are a dream 51 and a ghost; equally, do not be embarrassed by his insurances, for they too are a chimera and a nonentity; despise all passions, for they are also ghosts and dreams. The only essential thing is love for God and neighbor, meekness, kindness, and patience. It’s as if I’m walking around offended and taking offense at everyone at home. But the devil offends me and my passions are the thorn of sin thrust into me by Belial. God! Take away from me the old garment of passions, which torments and mortifies my soul, and clothe me in new incorruptible garments; grant that we despise everything that is perishable and spare nothing. Little by little, eradicate the sting of sweets from your heart, abstaining from modest and very nutritious and sweet foods. If you do not abstain, the sting of voluptuousness will remain and become more deeply rooted in your heart. The Church very justly and wisely appointed multi-day and one-day fasts. The fruits that you love and the grape wine cost almost more money than the milk that your wife and her sister love so much; it is true that they constantly drink milk, without distinguishing between Wednesdays and Fridays and fasting. But on the other hand, you actually spend a lot of money on cassocks and cassocks, and now they hardly make dresses. So, make peace on this side and spit on all the earthly losses and scores that destroy Christian love, which is priceless and immortal and dear to God. The enemy infects my heart with enmity regarding my sister Anna to such an extent that it does not allow me to look at her with love, peace-lovingly, sincerely, or to say a word from the heart, especially when she is sitting at the table, eating and drinking. Am I then somewhat peaceful and affectionate towards her when she does something for me, and the less she pays attention to my dislike towards her, neglecting it, the more averse I am to her; I’m not even touched by her caresses, I don’t trust them, although, obviously, she is often sincere towards me. So the devil cooled my heart towards her because of her contradictions and rudeness towards me. But we are both mentally ill. I, as an elder and a man and a priest, must feel sorry for her sincerely and pray for her, so that she will not suffer because of me, and may not tolerate anything in her subsequent life for her character, and I must protect myself from her, so as not to be inflamed with reckless anger towards her, doing nothing, and to correct myself from my great shortcomings, passions: pride, anger, malice, envy, greed, etc. I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy, shown to me in the communion of His life-giving Mysteries: for the forgiveness of sins, for peace, joy, lightness, spaciousness of soul and body. The struggle before communion and then, shortly after communion, with the restless thought about the malfunction (allegedly) of the sexton Yakov Mikhailovich Kamnev, was extremely difficult, and I barely overcame the demonic kindled anger ([...]). And after mass, all the anger faded away, as if nothing had happened, the sexton was not at all disgusted. This is how the adversary flatters, fights, and quarrels with his neighbors! I spent my classes at the gymnasium calmly. I thank the Lord for the unfailing service of the all-night vigil, for the sonorous voice, for the glorification of the Most Pure Mother of God, for the tears of tenderness, for the victory over ethereal enemies. Abstinence is saving. What a blessing it is to be good sons of the Orthodox Church: all the saints, the whole Church of the firstborn in heaven, and the whole Church on earth, pray unceasingly for us! What a joy! What a consolation! What hope! Read the daily and weekly canons - you will see. If you know God, you will also know sorrow. I thank the Lord, who showed me His mercy again by delivering me from my inner fall, when I internally repented of the coldness and dislike of my heart towards my sister Anna. I promised the Lord not to interfere in her affairs of food and drink (which, unfortunately, I myself value very much due to my greed), in the destruction of milk at all times: on Wednesdays, Fridays, during fasts - and not to remember any offenses for the sake of Christ and for the sake of His love for us sinners, and for the sake of the fact that I myself offend with my sinful, evil and greedy disposition. Have mercy, Lord, help, Lord, to abstain from all sin at all times and at every hour, whether in thought, word, or deed! August 26. Morning. Do not envy the rich and noble, no matter who they are, or the king himself: their souls, like burning and inhealable wounds, are covered with passions that, at the slightest touch of evil spirits poisoning them, greatly confuse, worry, sting; That is why there is rarely contentment and peace among the rich and noble. However, what is said about the rich and noble can be said about every sinner - and among the simple, the ignorant and the poor, there are great sinners. Blessed is he who has little, and with this little he lives in labor and the fear of God. God! Grant me to have sincere respect for all the authorities given to us for good from Your wisdom and goodness, for the spiritual and civil authorities. I need good deeds, I need, out of duty, that is, Christian and family, to give shelter and food to my widowed sister (by wife) and her little ones; Evangelically speaking, they lend me, not I them; I should rejoice in satisfying them, for through them the Lord takes pleasure in me, a sinner, unworthy in my malice of His mercies. August 26. In rainy weather I slept peacefully at night; I didn’t eat at night, I drank two glasses of tea on the side and ate some bread and ate a pear of soft heels. Thanks be to the Lord, the guardian of my life and my nourisher. Our laziness shows itself when we are called to work; covetousness - when they ask us for help with money, that is, alms; disobedience - when we do not want to carry out the orders of our elders or the requests of our equals or inferiors, if the execution is not to our liking. I thank the Lord for the gifts of His grace during the celebration of the Divine Liturgy at the coronation of the sovereign emperor; for the unfaltering performance of the liturgy at the conciliar (pronounced the entire royal family and the entire litany behind the pulpit); for the repeated defeat of my internal enemies and my passions. The Church is arranged in the form of a ship to depict that the world is drowned by sin and that she, and she alone, like Noah’s Ark, saves people who come running to her from the flood of sin. Amen. August 28. What a playground of sin man has become! Sometimes during the prayer itself, if it is not deep and sincere enough, a sinful whirlwind will come over him and seize him, and he hesitates, is embarrassed and cannot speak. I've seen these. This is because the world, adulterous and sinful, with its charms, still lives in their hearts and they are not entirely devoted to God and His word, and therefore are obsessed with vain demonic fear. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because in fear there is torment. He who fears is not perfect in love [1 John. 4, 18]. Resurrection. I thank my Lord, for even on this day I have been granted by His goodness to perform the Divine Liturgy and remember the terrible and merciful Sacrament of Christ God of the redemption of the world and to partake without condemnation, into the peace and salvation of the soul and the health of the body of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. He delivered a sermon by His Grace Gregory of Kazan, then Metropolitan of St. Petersburg 52. From excess in food the day before and from eating meat, there is tightness in the heart and temporary victory over the enemy. At the great entrance, he could not pronounce the name of the empress from demonic embarrassment, fear and powerlessness, and he spoke other names with difficulty. Such violence is evil! And it's my own fault. Because of my intemperance I was not worthy of help at that hour. And then, thanking God, he performed the liturgy with strength. During the invocation of the Holy Spirit for the Holy Gifts, there is also enemy violence! He fell to his knees, praying. The enemy doubles and divides us within ourselves (inside) and among ourselves in order to destroy the work of God in us and destroy our soul, for every kingdom divided against itself will be desolate [Matt. 12:25], and a house divided against itself will fall [Lk. 11, 17]. Wonderful things! One must watch and pray unceasingly, so as not to fall into temptation [Matt. 26, 41]. Help, Lord! You see what I think, and what I intend, and what I write! Lady, help us! Peace with your family and with everyone and give love! Pity, pity (no matter what people do), but not anger! Have pity, and don’t be angry, pity, and don’t gloat, don’t be malicious. Schadenfreude is a satanic thing! Drinking cold water before chocolate and coffee is very harmful: I experienced this today due to yesterday’s carelessness. Let every valley be filled, and every mountain and hill be made low, the crooked places made straight, and the rough paths made smooth; and the glory of the Lord will appear, and all flesh will see the salvation of God [Isa. 40, 4 – 5]. Oh, if only the ways of the Lord were as straight and even as our current earthly paths on land and water! [We have] railways from city to city; during the construction of their wilds, everything was covered with earth, mountains and hills were demolished or the mountains themselves were drilled; crooked roads became straight, uneven, bumpy roads became smooth and calm. God! Grant me with a perfect heart to always walk before You in my house, among Your people, and especially in Your house, and to have all the right to speak. August 30, 1872 How wisely the Church composed the litanies for church daytime services! What maternal care the Church has for everyone! The Great Litany embraces the entire fullness of the Church, the whole world with its benevolence and sighing (or the Church in the Great Litany embraces with its truly maternal heart the whole world and every Christian in particular, especially those standing here in the church); In the litany of petition, those who are and praying in the church ask the Lord for blessings. The Sugubaya embraces the entire civil society, which is why it begins with a prayer for the king; the great litany has in mind the benefits of the entire Church. We live, think, desire, speak, act before the face of God, the Mother of God, the holy apostles and holy men as members of the Church, and therefore our thoughts, desires, words and deeds either offend God and the Most Pure Mother, the holy apostles and saints, or delight, depending on their quality. I always anger the Lord my God, and Your Most Pure Mother, and all the Heavenly Powers and my holy Guardian Angel 53. How carefully and attentively one must live. We will be judged for everything. Poor and pitiful man! He is extremely conveniently exposed to the action of sin, for sin often comes upon him like a whirlwind and carries him away, confusing, darkening, weakening and desecrating him, although by the grace of God the repentant can soon get rid of sin, for God’s mercy towards man is infinite and the action of God’s saving grace is also quick and strong. Due to sinful blindness, impurity, addiction to temporary goods and laziness, we do not often turn our hearts to the Source of life and all good gifts; in order to force a person to more often resort to God, Who has every good for us, He exposes us to temptations, sorrows, illnesses, internal and external troubles, and in sorrows and troubles, willy-nilly, a person resorts to God, as a Doctor and Intercessor and Deliverer, and the more a person knows God, the more he tries to live piously, the more often sorrows strike him, the narrower his inner path, because the Lord cleanses him with sorrows from all sinful impurities. Those whom I love, I rebuke and punish. Therefore be zealous and repent [Rev. 3, 19]. Is there any son who would not be punished by his father? [Heb. 12, 7]. Sinner, sinner, constantly desecrating himself with sins! Tell me, with what, with what body, with what soul will you appear for judgment before God before His face, brighter than the sun, before the face of the Most Pure Lady, before the faces of luminous, like the sun, shining Angels and holy saints of God, before the face of all earthly beings? Oh, if only you thought about this more often! How many sins would you keep away from! How many sinful skills would I give up! Once again I experienced that smoking is deadly for me both physically and spiritually: what powerlessness in the fight against invisible enemies I felt at mass on the day of the beheading of the head of the Baptist in the Duma church! In addition, the voice was weak, and the nerves! That's why I have rheumatism in my leg! But I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy towards me! Before mass, twice I allowed myself to get angry with the beggars; He himself was wounded for this and, when he brought true repentance, he received mercy and deliverance from the Lord. After mass, going to Chernitsky, I was again met by poor children asking for an increase, and again, absurdly, I became angry, when I should have just smiled, looking at the childish simplicity and stupidity and abandon; then he walked along the embankment and kept repenting inwardly of his sin; He went back already having received mercy from the Lord. God bless! Anger darkens and upsets, relaxes the soul and body! At mass, the empress and the entire [royal] house, except for Ekaterina Mikhailovna, were reprimanded; the entire prayer behind the pulpit. I thank the Lord for strength. I sinned before God - at dinner at Chernitsky’s I ate fish and drank more wine (sherry) than I needed, and Prushevsky’s sherry was very strong. From vegetable oil and wine, and perhaps from excess in food and drink, after sleep I had a severe headache; I couldn’t stand the all-night vigil on Alexander’s Day. I bought a watermelon and ate it after the all-night vigil: I felt weaker and got better. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to simply, calmly, loudly, unfalteringly thank Him while singing a prayer of gratitude in the apartment of Alexander Fedorovich Fedorov (prayer of gratitude). But in the Cathedral, during the cathedral service, the all-evil and evil devil confused me with his vain fear while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, and I did not utter the words: You glorify those with Your Divine power and our Pious Autocratic Great Sovereign. – It’s a shame, and that’s all, that I can’t or am afraid to utter the words of truth, for the Church is the truth. I was extremely tempted this afternoon when I arrived home, finding the doors to my room open and not shut tightly due to damage; I became angry and furious and was ready to kick everyone out of the house (such anger) - it turned out that brother Alexey, not finding the key, decided to open it by force without a key in order to get the doctor’s papers: a screw came out and was preventing it from closing. I found out this later, after I had quenched my anger somewhat; took out the screw. And the door began to close freely; the anger has passed, its consequence - the heat in the blood - remains, and besides, the spirit is restless. The wrath of my Lord, wretched one, and when? Soon after the liturgy. And he made his neighbors sad. There was no need to close the doors, as if the evil one had taught us to lock them! And most importantly, it was necessary to endure the disorder and damage caused out of necessity and accidentally. No problem. Again, all-pernicious and disgusting sin deceived me and cruelly abused me! Because of what? From behind the door. He stood up for the material door, but did not save the doors of the heart - he let sin in, opened the door not made by hands wide open and let in the robber - the devil. Oh, how we must take care not of material doors made by hands, but of immaterial doors not made by hands! And every minute at that! Isn't sin at the door? Do not give him will over you - and you will overcome his attraction. (Gen. ch. 2.) Do not be suspicious, do not suspect evil in every person, but think good about everyone. Suspicion from the devil. Feeling sorry for the golden cross during the service, so that it would not darken (and so that the heart would not darken?) or would not be erased from the other, bronze cross (and how the enemy erases peace, freedom, love for God from the soul - I don’t feel sorry for that!), I suffered and am suffering a lot during the service due to the slander of the disembodied enemy. Meanwhile, such pity is absurd. The cross will not darken from the incense, but will become brighter, just wipe it off, for metals are cleaned with ashes. It will not be erased from another cross, because the touch is weak and short-lived. And there is nothing to think about, but to delve completely into God. When performing divine services or the Sacraments, I imagine officers or civilians, even some merchants, to be atheists who mock the content of the prayers and me (the main thing is me), and therefore I am embarrassed, timid, hesitant, instead of pronouncing with special force the words of the prayers that the enemy is trying to snatch out, for these are his dreams and fears. Moreover, where there is little or no faith, there it is necessary to speak and act especially loudly, clearly, with importance and dignity, everything related to prayer or the work of faith, in order to influence the mind and heart and force one to respect both faith and oneself. But who told me that these people are what I imagine them to be? Many of them are believers, kind, better than me. Yesterday in the evening I ate fish in quick butter, and pears, cucumbers, and now from the excess of food and juices there was desecration at night ([...]). I have sinned before God! Beware of everything ahead. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great mercy on this day through the service of the early liturgy and the communion of His life-giving Mysteries: after the temptation in a dream and the outpouring of fornication, He cleansed me, washed me, sanctified me, had mercy and saved me; filled my heart with peace, space, joy, penetrated me with life-giving fire and renewed, revived, strengthened me. Glory to the Lord for this! Through eating homemade food and through looking at my photographic cards, it became difficult. Tea is harmful. Drink less. I was not brought to my senses by temptation in a dream, cursed, insensitive, unrepentant, I again drank a lot of sweet tea and coffee, and again I instilled in myself a disposition towards fornication. Promising to retreat from evils, I sin every hour. Remember that malice of the heart, no matter what it is caused by, is madness, a free illness of the soul and death. Despise her, do not allow her to reach your heart, otherwise she will strengthen and overcome you. Arm yourself with patience, put on the womb of generosity, kindness, humility, meekness and long-suffering. Accepting each other and forgiving yourself, if anyone has reproach against someone: just as Christ forgave you, so do you. Over all these, acquire love, which is the bond of perfection: and let the peace of God dwell in your hearts (Colossus, chapter 258 [3, 13 – 15]). I thank the Lord, who saved me through the prayer of my repentance from a surge of anger and gloominess, or from unsociability with my family. Who should be closer and dearer and dearer than them? Who is friendlier than them to me? Oh, the cunning of the enemy! They had everything in common, they said about the first Christians [Acts. 2, 44; 4, 32]. Let there be community in my home. Take the topic for the sermon from the words: My children, for whom I am again in the throes of birth, until Christ is portrayed in you! [Gal. 4, 19]. Everyone wants to see their image and those close to their hearts - but who thinks about having the image of Christ depicted in their hearts, that is, His meekness, humility, gentleness, holiness, obedience, patience, abstinence, love for God, for truth, for eternal life? Photographers depict the faces of us sinners. These are transitory images, these are flickering shadows - but blessed is he and infinitely blessed in whom the Trisolar Deity, the Tristellar Light depicts Himself: this image is living, holy, premium, most joyful, imperishable, eternal. But how pathetic we are that every day we allow the ugliest devil to portray himself in us: his pride, malice, envy, ill will, enmity, impurity, gloating, self-will and disobedience; greed, cruelty, unmercifulness, stinginess, grumbling, blasphemy, despondency, deceit, theft, lies and deceit, etc. countless. Confirm, O Lord, this which You have done in me through Your mercy and Your long-suffering: to experience silence and peace after the storm and turmoil at home that occurred as a result of the coming to me of the hieromonk of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra, outside Moscow, who was drunk and eloquent to the point of inappropriate words, Eugene (with an office pectoral cross). My sister Anna Konstantinovna is perky, perky, perky; She should have honored at least the age and rank of the said person, but she rushed at him with threats and derogatory words. May the Lord enlighten and teach her if she does not listen to me. But have mercy on us all, Lord, have mercy on us. Malice comes from the devil, and therefore I do not tolerate it; I pray to You, Lord, eradicate it, eradicate it to the ground in me, and in everyone! Upon arriving home, my wife greeted me. This is a work of God's grace. I thank the Lord. My judgment about Hieromonk Eugene: he is very rude, loves wine, women, loves to praise himself, he himself boasted about his disobedience to the abbot of Damascus; in addition, the scolder called his sister-in-law Anna K. Tsvetkova a bastard for her answer to him that God forbid she see such a monk again. Because of this, there was a quarrel, and I got it: why don’t I stand up for the offended, why don’t I kick the monk out? How will I drive away the guest? It would have been better if they had avoided him, rather than become arrogant and scold. Take patience and arm yourself with love against the enemies of your household, but do not be an enemy yourself, as you have done before. I respect my wife for her unfailing love for me despite all the vicissitudes of family life. I feel sorry for my sister-in-law Anna because of her character, learned from childhood: contempt 54 and quarrelsomeness with those around her - she is taller and better than everyone, no one is equal to her, no one dare say an offensive word to her: I will punish her, she says, most severely, you will not deal with me - both the Metropolitan and anyone else. I owe everything to the Nesvitsky family: may I respect and love them and may I live in peace and service to them, may I respect every member of the family, may I carry love from my home to everyone like from a spring. Arseny (Moskvin; 1795 – 1876), Metropolitan of Kyiv and Galicia. On March 12, 1832, he was consecrated Bishop of Tambov in St. Petersburg. In April 1841 he was transferred to the Podolsk diocese. On November 6, 1848, he was moved by the archbishop to Warsaw with the appointment of managing the Volyn diocese and being the holy archimandrite of the Pochaev Lavra. Since July 1, 1860, Metropolitan of Kiev and Galicia, member of the Holy Synod. Parasol (French) – a manual folding umbrella from rain and sun. Yuzhe (Church Slav.) – which. Dominates (Church Glav.) – enough, enough. The Chaldean tormentor in anger kindled the furnace seven times for the pious youths... Irmos of the 8th song of the Sunday canon at Matins, tone 8. Rozhdiye (Church Slavic) – branch, branch. Dream (dream) (church glory) - obsession, ghost, empty imagination. Gregory (Postnikov; 1784-I860), Metropolitan of Novgorod and St. Petersburg. In 1814 he graduated from the St. Petersburg Theological Academy, where one of his mentors was St. Philaret (Drozdov), who had a great influence on him. Since 1819 - rector and ordinary professor of the St. Petersburg Academy; maintained strict order at the Academy, improved educational programs, and improved the financial situation of students; taught theological sciences, Holy Scripture, participated in the translation of Holy Scripture into Russian. His lectures were distributed in printed and handwritten form to many religious educational institutions. The works of Metropolitan Gregory laid the foundation for official spiritual journalism in Russia: in 1821 he founded one of the first spiritual magazines in the country, Christian Reading; in 1855, the Orthodox Interlocutor magazine began publishing in Kazan; in 1857, the Spiritual Conversation magazine, intended for the laity, was founded. In 1822, Gregory was consecrated Bishop of Revel, vicar of the St. Petersburg diocese. In 1825 he was appointed to the Kaluga See, where he began to actively engage in missionary activities among the Old Believers. In 1832 he headed the celebration of the discovery of the relics of St. Mitrophan of Voronezh. In 1848 he was appointed Archbishop of Kazan and Sviyazhsk. He paid special attention to missionary activity, took care of strengthening the common faith, and headed a committee to translate liturgical books into the Tatar language. At his insistence, missionary departments were opened at Theological Academies and Seminaries in St. Petersburg, Moscow, Kazan, and Kyiv. Bishop Gregory was a major specialist in the history of the Old Believers. His book “The Truly Ancient and Truly Orthodox Church of Christ” (1854) was published four times during the life of the saint. In 1856, he was elevated to the rank of metropolitan and transferred to the St. Petersburg See, and from that time on he was a first-present member of the Synod. Metropolitan Gregory was a tireless preacher; he preached at every service, addressing the listeners with simple, brief, but succinct instructions. Metropolitan Gregory was a member of the St. Petersburg Academy of Sciences (since 1821), an honorary member of the department of Russian language and literature (since 1841) and the general meeting of the Academy of Sciences (since 1856). He led a strict, ascetic lifestyle and was distinguished by generous charity. He was buried in the Holy Spiritual Church of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra. The prayer of St. John of Damascus “O Lord, Lover of Mankind, will this tomb be my bed...” from the follow-up to those who are coming to sleep. Contempt (church glory) – contempt, arrogance; obstinacy, disobedience. You might be interested in: