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I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday, after a long internal prayer, on the way to the Oranienbaum steamship and in Oranienbaum itself, while walking in it, from severe sorrows and cramped conditions, due to dislike and grief towards my family, and who gave me space, peace and joy of heart in the kind and hospitable company of Elisaveta Vasilievna, the director’s wife, their daughter and their son-in-law, Mikhail Fedorovich. What mutual love they live in! The heart is happy. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the Divine Mysteries into the world of spiritual powers! Oh joy! Oh, peace! But sin almost delighted this calmness when hearing about the rude speeches (sent from me to Nikolai) by the father of deacon Peter Sofronov and my sexton Kutuzov. I cried out to the Lord: do not allow, Lord, the enemy to take Your goodness from me. On the night of this date, he was tempted by the action of the devil in a dream and committed fornication: a strong outpouring of semen, which had not happened for a year or more. I myself gave the reason for the temptation: yesterday I drank quite a lot of milk in the morning and after communion; then at dinner he ate quite a lot of meat, which he had previously avoided, and finally in the evening he also ate roast meat with cucumbers and a bun; a roll with butter, drank wine and tea with cream. What gluttony and gluttony! I'm damned! I'm a dumb beast! I am irresponsible! A warm blanket in the hot season completed other reasons for temptation! I haven't dressed like one before. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears at night prayer. It was getting light. I thank the Lord, the Giver, who yesterday gave me the all-night prayer of repentance with tenderness and who pacified and expanded my restless heart, who transformed the fire of passions into the dew of grace, darkness into light, sadness into joy. And again I thank the Lord, who vouchsafed me to loudly and boldly (with boldness) celebrate the early Divine Liturgy, although under the strong opposition of evil spirits, who incited me to be angry with Father Deacon Peter for his inaccuracy in the rites of service, and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries without condemnation. It is impossible to say what kind of heavenly peace I felt in my soul. God bless! The Lord descends on the substitute bread and wine offered, like rain on a fleece and like a drop falling on the ground. The commandment of God insists that people love each other mutually, and punishes those who do not fulfill them with internal torment; The devil and his minions constantly insist that people be at enmity against each other and incite enmity in every possible way, especially using everyone’s pride as a means to achieve this. The commandment of God promises eternal life for the fulfillment of its command, but for constant resistance to it or for failure to fulfill it, for negligence about its fulfillment, unrepentance and failure to correct the heart from pride and malice, it threatens with eternal fire. A beggar who led a blind man yesterday and was today begging for alms is drinking with the blind man, as I learned today from the faithful lips of an eyewitness. God judge them: they play with my care for them. He arrived from Lisy Nos, from the northern shore from his brother-in-law, Father John Al. Pesotsky. Away - peace, at home - confusion and sorrow in the soul. What an evil Asmodeus 41 torments me incessantly, upsetting my spirit and inciting me to dislike and enmity at home. And this has been going on for a long time, from the time I entered the priesthood in Kronstadt! A thousand times I have repented of this disastrous state of my soul - and I never cease to fall into it! God! Give me the spirit of love! Take away the spirit of hostility! What do I care about the health of the flesh if the spirit hurts due to the battle of passions! I have learned from experience that hanging out without doing anything, eating and drinking according to taste and delicacy are very harmful to the soul, although they are useful and pleasant to the body: the soul becomes callous, weakens in prayer, in the sensitivity of God's benefits and mercies and in compassion for people; sometimes prone to unclean and nasty thoughts and feelings, to anger and malice, to quarrels, to envy, pride, idleness, laziness and absent-mindedness. I walked on Fox Nose for two days and came home with a distraught spirit, prone to despondency, grief, suspicion, enmity, and in the evening I actually quarreled with my wife and sister-in-law because of a few words from my wife and her unfounded tears, which aroused enmity against me from her sister and my Anna Konstantinovna. This was caused, by the way, by beer, of which I drank a whole bottle and a glass or two of sherry, and then tea with cream and salmon (at dinner), and at dinner fat chicken - in a word, the cause of troubles and offenses was overeating and drunkenness (I sinned before God!). Why should I be offended if Anna Konstantinovna’s word that I was making fun of my wife because of Anna K. was unfair? And if it’s fair, then I need to correct myself. My wife made a fair remark to me: why, she says, do you not want to endure offensive words from your neighbors, while our Lord endured such terrible suffering? Where is your humility and kindness? Yes, it is true that I do not yet know the Christian alphabet: Blessed are the poor in spirit... [Matt. 5, 3]. Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart [Matt. 11, 29]. I need to renounce myself, my pride, impatience, anger, irritability, pride, hatred, enmity, gluttony, gluttony and drunkenness, covetousness, lustful thoughts, laziness, idleness, absent-mindedness and waywardness, stubbornness, disobedience and the whole horde of passions - to be a strong lover of God and neighbor, meek, humble, kind, patient, indifferent to insults, abstinent, non-covetous, chaste in all thoughts and feelings, hardworking, always working and praying, pleasing his neighbor for the good, obedient to everyone for the sake of Christ, obedient even to death [Phil. 2, 8]. Our passions intensify to acquire citizenship and the power of law in our life. When is passion right, for example, irritability, anger? But she wants to present herself as a legitimate manifestation of the soul. We don’t care about our passions that prevent us from creating God’s truth. Blessed are you when they revile you [Matt. 5:11]: endure reproach graciously for the sake of Christ, as a tribute due to you for your countless sins - your self-love and your pride compel you to be upset and angry at the scolders or at the scolder (or, more justly, at the one who told the bitter truth). Didn’t I myself yesterday, half-drunk, give rise to a domestic storm or stir up a storm? Yes, - for envy and indignation at my sister boiled within me when I spoke with my wife; how can it be, I said, that she can fall into consumption when she eats and drinks everything that is best, nutritious, chosen, when she does nothing except fuss with the children, and only half, because you, the wife, and the nannies do the other half?.. Give freedom to your family and do not force them, do not quarrel because they do not keep fasts; peace and love are higher than fasting. Be wise, Lord, to preserve peace. Do not allow, Lord, my passions to be put into action, but completely kill them in me, especially the devil’s envy and stinginess. Grant me to imitate Your goodness and Your bounties, constantly poured out on me, the indecent one, and on all Your creatures. Let there be milk in abundance in my house for the babies who eat milk, and for their mother, and wife, and brother. May the 42 be healthy and peaceful. Because of my gluttony, all my internal troubles, all my passions. Day of St. Sergius. The first summer rain with a thunderstorm. I was in the District Court. It ended at three and a half hours. He took the oath safely. Why haven’t I been involved in active philosophy yet? Why don’t I philosophize with the holy fathers? Why am I not pressing toward the goal, toward the honor of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus [Phil. 3, 14 ]? Why do I love long-lasting things that pass away like smoke? Look at the babies of your sister by wife Anna Konstantinovna as angels, as children of God, with love and joy squander your property on them, for you will receive reward from the Lord. Bless Anna Konstantinovna, who sometimes curses you, from your heart, do good to her from your heart when she hates, scolds, and reproaches you. For if you love only those who love you, what is your reward? And sinners, pagans, love those who love them [Lk. 6, 32]. My greed is very clearly expressed in a dream: when cutting the director’s cake for high school students on some holiday before a prayer service (I took a piece). Botvinya is bad for me. I need to constantly drink milk and eat meat broth. I am, as it were, intertwined all over from Belial with roots, captives and nets of sin, and these nets have a very strong effect during mass. Early mass for the repose of my mother on the anniversary of her death. Perfect peace, perfect salvation was granted to me by the Lord of my Life after consuming His Divine Most Pure and Life-Giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord; but during mass he was extremely upset with the watchman Nicholas (although, as I learned later, unfairly) for putting a firebrand in the censer before the reading of the Apostle, which stinked the air and disturbed the health of the body and the calm state of spirit. You have to be patient. It’s not his fault, because the stove was flooded very late. I was also upset with my wife that, due to carelessness and laziness, she came to the very end of the memorial service. Why didn’t you wake me up, my wife told me? Maybe she really overslept. I only offered a bitter prayer about her and her sister to God for their lack of unanimity with me and for not sharing their prayer with me for the repose of their mother. God! their wickedness is to shame, but do not allow me to fall into complete despondency and cowardice, for not from them, who cannot pray for themselves, not only for others, does the forgiveness of sins and the peace of my mother depend, but on Your goodness and Your mercy, on Your terrible Calvary Sacrifice and the mysterious liturgy. God! Reward them according to their deeds, so that they do not boast in themselves, but give me the spirit of peace and love. Let them go (let me let them go from my heart), they don’t know what they’re doing. Love your wives and do not be harsh with them [Col. 3:19], says the Apostle in his epistle, instructing men in their office. I thank the Lord, who attracted my wife and my sister Anna to words of love and affection, to words of peace. How nice it was for me! This was a change, the work of the right hand of the Most High [Ps. 76, 11 ] after my strong inner cry about the destruction of the spirit of enmity in me, which brazenly burst into me and terribly tormented me! I specifically asked the Lord that my family would treat me with kindness. Vespers, Matins and Mass are served in the church every day. But how do both employees and laypeople for the most part relate to it? - Indifferently, heartlessly, out of habit or out of ignorance and inability to reason about what is happening in front of them. Meanwhile, what are Vespers, Matins and Mass? This is the daily, loud, worldwide sermon of the Church about the most important destinies of the world and humanity, about God’s creation of the world and man, about the bliss and fall of man, about his tearful repentance and the promise of the Redeemer, about preparation for accepting Him through gradual revelation, prophecies and prototypes about the appearance of the Savior in the world, about His life, teaching, miracles and prophecies, about His sufferings, His death, resurrection and ascension into heaven, about the sending of the Holy Spirit to the apostles and the establishment of His Church on earth and the need to obey it for salvation as Christ Himself. So, divine service is the Church’s daily sermon about creation and God’s providence, about redemption and the Redeemer. How worthy of attention and extreme understanding is the sermon! Do we delve into it daily? Do we go to church in order to reflect on what is happening there? O you rich, nobles of this world, scientists! How do you feel about the service? May my greed be cursed and may I leave it behind from now on, for because of it I have back pain and I slept badly in the morning for the 4th, 5th and 6th hours. Reason: late in the evening I ate a little roast, drank milk, black bread with caviar, drank a glass of tea, and an hour earlier I drank jelly with very fatty cream. From Wednesday to Thursday, from the day of fasting, I slept very peacefully, and from fasting to fasting - quite painfully. I bless the post. I destroy the meat, whole fat cream (you can use a little with coffee). I'm watching the post. He is the guardian of health and chastity. Don’t eat at all at night, that is, late in the evening, when you don’t mean to go for a walk, and when you have an early snack, eat a little white bread. From July 7th to 8th I slept very peacefully after fasting food and drink (it was Friday, Saturday was approaching) and after the labors of prayer (all-night vigil at Kaz. Mikh. Nazarov and prayer service at Marya Arsenyevna at twelve o’clock at night). Fortunately, lean food is easy on the heart, especially after a fatty, lean meal. At the District Court hearing, the spirit of anger tormented me extremely 1) due to the malfunction of the Duma secretary - Perov, 2) due to the bailiff’s insistence that I get up from my seat when the jurors read their decisions. Oh, how he oppressed me, taunted me, tormented me, shamed me! But I was guilty of not listening to the bailiff the first time. In a dream today I saw my wife Lisa, very, very diligently preparing to sew a duckweed for me (I was walking along Komendantskaya Street, and she tried on the cassock for me along the way and preened it); I was touched in my heart by her helpfulness and such great affection and love! May the Lord protect her! Death invades our soul in numerous and varied ways, and at the same time our body. These paths, for the most part, are our earthly addictions: gluttony and delicacy, greed, selfishness, ambition and lustful impurity even in thoughts alone, not to mention in deeds. Therefore, we must firmly refrain from all worldly addictions, remembering that all earthly blessings are not worthy of our attention and love as they quickly disappear and entail harm to our soul and body if the heart is attached to them and if they are used immoderately. I praise the Lord, who once again surprised me with His mercy and His life-giving power through the communion of His holy immortal and life-giving Mysteries in the cemetery Trinity Church. After death I felt life in myself, after weakness - strength, after sorrow - joy, after cramped space - space, after confusion - peace and silence, after demonic fear - boldness in the Lord. Although sin and spiritual death later arose in me due to a lack of spiritual vigilance over myself, but having risen again, I defeated them with the grace of God, the Flesh and Blood of the Lord existing in me, and I successfully completed all the services in the country church and outside it. Glory to the Lord! All-night Sunday vigil on the same day. After mass outside the city, I was at the wake and sinned before God, and drank a lot of wine, and ate a lot: I also ate chicken meat. After dinner at the wake, when I came home, I ate porridge with milk and thereby burdened myself somewhat; then he went to bed and after sleep went to vespers: he served it poorly - he was tied up and ridiculed by Belial. He came to the all-night vigil, drunk on tea and coffee, with a heart hardened from eating and drinking a lot, covered with the darkness of sin, bound from Belial by his hellish nets; began to serve the all-night vigil and in the words Come, let us worship Christ, our King God, through embarrassment he was crushed and rendered mute by the enemy; censer with confusion and darkness, bound internally; then he came to the altar and began to pray tearfully, reading the prayers of the lamp; warmed my soul, moved me, brought tears to my eyes. Glory to the grace of God, glory to His long-suffering and ineffable mercy! Then throughout the service I was filled with emotion, sighing, and tears. I read the Gospel well; stood at the Gospel when the people were venerating, with sublime thoughts and feelings. He finished his entire service on good terms, but on his last leave he stole his first words out of fear of the enemy. Upon leaving the church, Brother Alexei irritated me, upset me, and I cursed him for mocking everything that is sacred. When I eat meat, I become especially irritable, like today. Therefore, we must stop using it. Dinner parties, and in general rich and drunken dinners, are very harmful to our soul, and of course to our body: they deprive us of grace, which cannot dwell in a sated person, and in general are a great vanity for the soul and body. A Christian needs constant abstinence so that his soul is not for a moment in the fog and fumes of gluttony and can always philosophize on high. Morning. The grace of God heals all mental and physical ailments, as it was experienced by me, the indecent one. Pray to God earnestly, with warm tears, for your sins - and all your ailments will be healed. Thanks and glory for this is to the Lord, who works His powers in us. And lo, I am with you always, to the end of the age [Matt. 28, 20]. The Lord is with us primarily in church and during worship, when we talk with Him in prayer, glorification, thanksgiving to Him or ask for Our public and private needs; This is where He especially visits us inwardly and tangibly, as the Head of His Church - His members, His children, here His grace especially acts, merciful, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening, strengthening, viviparous, renewing, bringing the sinner to tenderness and tears. Glory to the Lord for this! We do not flow into the church of God in vain, but we receive in it all the petitions even for our salvation - but if we knew how to preserve within ourselves that spirit that we have by the grace of God in the church, if we knew how to preserve that sanctification, the renewal of the spirit, which we are rewarded with from the Lord in His church! We would then be saints while still on earth, according to the Scripture: Be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God [Lev. 19, 2]. In the church, during all services, the economy of the Holy Trinity, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, human salvation, the redemption of the human race is glorified primarily - by the incarnation, teaching, life, suffering, death and resurrection of the Son of God; The Mother of God, as having ministered to such a beautiful, highest sacrament, and all the saints: apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries, the righteous and all the saints who fought so valiantly for the faith and law of God and [who] with their words, lives, and deeds testified to the truth and salvific nature of the Christian faith, the truth of God’s words and promises, were saved in Kingdom of Heaven and inherit eternal life. All that remains for us is to hold fast to the church of God, to the Orthodox faith and to fulfill its teachings and commandments, so that we, together with the saints, may inherit the same immortal life. July 9. Sunday Liturgy. The pressure from Belial on my soul was very strong and confusing, as usual; a lot of intense and tearful prayer was needed in order to be free from its violence; at the great entrance, the name of Empress Maria Alexandrovna could not be pronounced, being frightened by the enemy; at the prayer behind the pulpit - You glorify those with Your Divine power... Communicated the Holy Mysteries with boldness, into the world of spiritual strength and for the healing of soul and body; by the grace of the Holy Mysteries I was cheerful and calm all day; christenings at Korshunov’s and Afanasyev’s (in Kalmykov’s house). During the mass at the dacha of prayer on the fortieth day, Korshunov spoke with difficulty from fatigue in his chest, but after the christening, Korshunov made a great treat; after snacks, tea and dinner (blancmange), my chest became completely free (excellent sherry), and at Afanasyev’s after Vespers, as well as Vespers itself, I performed very freely. Free in voice and soul. I thank the Lord, who sent help from heaven when I pronounced the great, petitionary and intense litany, and did not allow the disembodied enemy to laugh at me. Monday. Morning. 6 o'clock. The day is very warm and clear. Yesterday I sinned again - I had a snack during evening tea, but then walked for a long time. Truly we are frightened by sin, as my Vasily Ivanovich said yesterday, but in this we do not need to give in to it, but courageously fight against it. ... From fear of death they were subject to slavery throughout their lives [Heb. 2, 15 ] (to the enemy). The Lord gives courage, we must tearfully ask the Lord for it. After the liturgy. I thank and glorify the Lord, who performed with me the miracle of His mercy and His life-giving power after communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Divine life penetrated me, passed into all parts, into the womb, into the heart, cleansed my sins, sanctified, renewed, revived, strengthened, pacified me, expanded my heart. After mass I went to see Olga Pavlovna Vysotskaya and Evdokim Dmitrievich. They talked about my stumbling block when reading prayers. Drank tea. They said about Father Vasily Chernyavsky that he sets fasts for nothing and allows himself to eat and drink before mass when he serves. However, it was not I who said this, but them. I heard about it from others. God himself will give the answer. I thank the Lord, who saved me from distress and anger before the beginning of Vespers, when I cried out for salvation, and who gave me the grace to perform the entire Vespers without stumbling in a clear and loud voice; before the litanies, I prayed to the Lord and Queen of heaven and earth. I thank the Lord, who also saved me from anger towards the poor after Vespers, when I was walking home and they surrounded me on the way. At home, I knelt before the icons and begged the Most Merciful: the fire and oppression of hell in my soul and body disappeared, and the dew of grace poured into my heart again - the space of the heart took the place of oppression and sorrow. Glory to the Lord’s long-suffering and mercy on me. I forget the words of Scripture: give in simplicity... do good with cordiality [Rom. 12:8], and because of this I suffer greatly. Perhaps you yourself have lost respect for yourself, for your soul and body, but the Church, not only during life, but also after death, looks with respect at your body, not only at your soul. She honors him by censing, placing a crown on his head, etc., and places candles near the coffin in which it is laid. You too have respect for yourselves as Christians, as members of Christ, and flee from the corruption that is in the world through lust [2 Pet. 1.4]. Fear of what happened to me today during Matins: back at home, having gotten up from sleep, I felt very heavy from the milk I drank too much yesterday (one and a half glasses), and during the service, from this excess and extra phlegm in my body, the enemy almost completely drowned me: he drowned my soul with doubt, fear and apprehension, so that I cried out many exclamations at two litanies - at Midnight Office and Matins (before Glory to the Saints...) could not pronounce, specifically about the emperor and empress, heir and heiress, and also small litanies he could not pronounce. I was in grave grief: I cried from all-round misfortune, with tears I begged the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God to deliver me from such a disaster brought on by the devil. North wind, gray clouds - and this partly affects health and state of mind. But from now on I don’t drink milk, especially fresh milk. Just yesterday I didn’t feel quite well when I drank a glass of milk after two or three glasses of strong sweet tea. Tea was enough for my eyes, and I also grabbed milk - what greed! And this is after I drink the Blood of Christ daily and eat His Most Pure Flesh! Insane! Ungrateful! Inattentive! Hypocrites! You know how to discern the face of heaven, but you cannot discern the signs of your soul and body [Matt. 16, 3]. If one glass or one and a half made me feel so awkward, then how should my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna and her daughter Rufina feel! The mother never eats lean food, but only milk, eggs and meat and abhors lean food! Children are afraid to give pulp from boiled ruffs or perch; they will not give lean berries; what will happen to such upbringing? God! Heal the wisdom of mother Anna and force her to love and eat lenten food and sometimes feed her child with lenten food, for this is good for the soul and body. Lenten food always makes me feel lighter and calmer. After mass. I thank the Lord with all my heart, who strengthened me throughout the observance of the liturgy and with the royal house to perform without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries without condemnation, into the sweetness, spaciousness and joy of the heart, and to perform the prayer service and requiem also without stumbling. I thank the Lord, who in a moment of heartfelt prayer and repentance to Him during dinner saved me from the wound of the serpent, when the sin of greed and envy stung and shamed me when I looked at my sister Anna Konstantinovna, who was eating appetizingly! Who is worthy of these earthly blessings if not her children, innocent babies, and she, their nourisher! For their sake and for me, the Lord will support and will not deprive His good things. And I still eat His Body every day and drink His Blood! Oh, humanity! Oh bounties! O longsuffering! My acquaintance Vasily Ivanovich (a retired non-commissioned officer) is mistaken in many ways: he does not recognize the need for confession and communion of the Holy Mysteries every year, considering some kind of spiritual communion sufficient; does not venerate holy icons, recognizing their veneration as idolatry; does not recognize the invincible power of the Mother of God, as they say in the church song, pointing at the same time to the apocalyptic woman sitting on the scarlet beast [Rev. 17, 1 – 5], and strangely comparing these two immeasurably opposite wives. He says a lot of things, but a lot of things are strange. Is he not a Doukhobor 43? And he considers himself a zealot for the truth. We need to talk to him again. He knows the Holy Scriptures by heart - the Old and New Testaments. Here's some sweet coffee from the Zubkovs! Here's a herring, eaten with gusto at home, and not eating any other food! I could hardly sleep properly all night! Irritation in the nerves! Tension, the most restless tension of the reproductive organ! Oh, how harmful sweets are! Raw fish too! Vegetable oil, onions! Sweet tea with jam at Ushakov's! A long, tiresome walk! Nerves, take care of your nerves! Observe peace when you can, don't walk too much! Don't eat and drink too sweet! Since the evening, my left eye has been itching: this is from a hardening of the stomach, due to drinking coffee and port wine at the Zubkovs, and eating herring with tea without cream at home! That’s why my sleep was restless and weak! Mass, followed by funeral service for Mikhail A. Sharapov. I thank the Lord for peace and bliss of the soul after communion of the life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who punished me with sorrow and hardship for my anger at the poor children who uncontrollably approached me, despite driving them away with the addition that they would come at another time. It was difficult for me to serve a prayer service in the house of Yakov Al. Murashov and even Ivan Dmitrievich Goremykin in Postnikova’s house. Several times I begged the Lord in repentance for mercy, and the Lord had mercy after the prayer service with Goremykin. The punishment is worthy and righteous. Thank you for your mercy. I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer and destroyed the mediastinum between me and my wife - mutual grief. Meek and kind, she came up to me and asked if I was angry with her! I answered: no, and said goodbye to her and blessed her. I, unworthy, corrupted mentally and physically, am unworthy of such a wife and must always treat her with respect and love, condescending, patient and long-suffering. Anna Konstantinovna is somewhat characteristic and excusable of pride as an archpriest's daughter. She has the spirit of Anna Petrovna. Who am I? Where? Having remembered the Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed Mother of God with all the saints... Here is the whole heavenly Church, of which we are members. I didn’t have to eat anything in the evening, but I ate fried potatoes and fried fish, which is why I was sweating in the evening, and at night I slept quite hard and had difficulty getting up; potatoes made my mouth feel bad. Avoid potatoes - they are quite edible without them. Thursday. It’s a hot day, 30 degrees. I thank the Lord with all my heart, for He vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and covered all my sins and gave me Divine peace and Divine joy upon partaking of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries; He also performed Vespers safely by the grace of God; at seven o'clock in the evening he baptized the postmaster Alexander Andreevich Myakotin in a calm tone, with a spirit triumphant in God's grace. I thank the Lord for His indescribably great gift to me, the indecent one. But how persistently the evil demon bursts into the soul with its cunning and malice or nastiness! Stay awake and awake! Pray and pray internally to the Lord, otherwise malice, or fornication, or self-interest, or worldly honor will overcome you! The night is hot, the morning too (32 degrees). At night there was no need to eat cheese with sweet and sour bread and drink milk: I sweat a lot at night and it’s not so easy on my stomach. After mass. Lord the Savior! I thank You with all my heart for the wonders of Your mercy, for delivering me from the sorrow and distress that befell me when I became embittered against my wife just before mass. And why did you get angry? Because she told me: are you going again? Where? I answered: where else but to mass? You live - you completely forget the time: is it day or night... Another time I became embittered when I came home after mass with a sore leg and asked her to wash my feet. Then I called her a barbarian because she didn’t let me into the bathhouse yesterday. And at dinner I sat gloomy; There was anger in my heart. He looked to the Lord, but must have been unsteady and did not receive complete deliverance; went out into the street in cramped conditions and embarrassment from the inner dirty trick; He began to call upon the Lord with all his heart in solitude to have mercy and save him, and he begged the kind, benevolent, and most merciful Lord. The Lord saved me in an instant after a long internal calling. I glorified the Lord for his mercy and I do. For the image of this world is passing away [1 Cor. 7, 31]. This is how it constantly passes, passing in worldly clothes, in earthly things of all kinds: what is liked or suitable today is not liked or not suitable tomorrow. But faith and its laws and promises are eternal, its very rituals, the very clothes of the clergy, church and household, are always the same. People pass, things pass, ranks, distinctions, honors pass, everything visible passes away - let us strive for the imperishable, the eternal, the best - for God and for heavenly life. What kind of senseless face am I that last night I again ate vinaigrette with sweet and sour bread at a party, and at home roasted fish without bread? This is why there is intense sweat and tension in the penis at night. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of my repentance, saved me from the hellish movement of anger in my heart, from the tightness that follows it, and who has also given me peace and boldness. (A 19-year-old beggar asked for money for work clothes; I gave it to him with chagrin, thinking that he was deceiving.) It was on the way to church when I was walking with the Gifts, the Holy Mysteries from a sick person; in church he fell at the throne of mercy. Because of the increase in my iniquity in my youth, my true, pure, Christian, unhypocritical love disappeared. And unhypocritical, pure, Christian love is to love enemies, to love unselfishly, to love not only the beautiful, but also the ugly, not the handsome, the young, but also the old, not only those who supply us, but also those whom we constantly supply. Sin penetrates so deeply into a person, enters into his blood, juices, brains and bones, into all his thoughts, feelings, aspirations, that a person thinks that it is completely impossible to get rid of sin by any natural or supernatural means. But what is impossible with men is possible with God [Lk. 18, 27], and I believe that God is strong and good to save me if I want it myself. Oh, I believe that my blood will flow and I will be healed from a wound like a bleeding one, for the bleeding one is the image of me. My bleeding is the constant flow in my soul of evil, selfish, proud, nasty, crafty and blasphemous and all other sinful thoughts, passions, habits. Against this sinful bleeding, the Most Pure Flesh and Blood of my Lord was given to me. I thank my Creator and Savior. After mass. I thank the Lord, who created in me a miracle of salvation from the machinations of the enemy during and after the very communion of the Holy Mysteries: the enemy filled me with painful grief at the sexton Kutuzov because he did not sing the dogmatism instead of the stichera, that is, the King of Heaven, as I ordered, but sang Lenten We take refuge in Your mercy, Mother of God... After the victory of the Lord, it became so easy in me, and the sexton no longer seemed guilty and hostile to me. Thank God that the service is being performed in order: have mercy if the sexton sings not of your choice. Remember how the service is celebrated in the Alexandria Church under the patriarchal service! There is really no order there, as Doctor Krotkov told me from the Almaz clipper. May the Lord grant order, strength and greatness to His Church - from Alexandria. I thank the Lord, who gave me tender prayer during the all-night vigil in the Duma Assumption Church and before at the prayer service at the [Onatskys]. I thank the Lord, who gave me great boldness in performing the Sacrament of Baptism in the house of Kudryavtsev with officer Vladimir Afinogenovich; In the end, he doubted and was embarrassed, he was afraid - for this he was punished with hardship and internal shame, but through fervent internal prayer he got rid of this. The spirit of the Holy Church was depicted in prayers and rituals during divine services (Peace to all, bows of the deacon to the priest and priest to the deacon, blessing by the priest of the deacon and sexton); with what peace and mutual respect, mutual love the Church protects the clergy, so that they always have peace and love among themselves and set an example of these virtues to all the laity - and the spirit moving in prayers, litanies, exclamations, canons or chants, oh, what a spirit of love and salvation, a spirit of mercy! On the day of Equal-to-the-Apostles Prince Vladimir, the Lord raised an abyss of waters from the seas into the air and poured out enormous rain after 4 o’clock in the afternoon until the evening. Everything was flooded after the extreme drought. Glory to the good God! The evening before, after the all-night vigil, there was a small thunderstorm: thunder and lightning, but there was very little rain - it didn’t wet the ground much. I thank the Lord, who sent me help from above to perform the Divine Liturgy with a sincere, ardent and sublime feeling, but the enemy almost plunged me into the misfortune of despondency, shame and powerlessness from the knowledge that I had withheld several brotherly money for a cab in case of fulfilling demands, for I have to correct demands five or more times more than the brothers; but by the grace of God and hope, vigilance, he defeated the machinations of the incorporeal and successfully completed the liturgy with a grateful royal prayer service. I thank God for inspiring the cadre craftsmen to demand that we serve a prayer service in the cadre outbuilding on the street - this was preparation for serving the liturgy: I ran around nicely and through the service I was somewhat prepared for the greatest sacred and mystical service, most heavenly. I thank the Lord, who removed the thorn from my soul, stabbed by the devil at the great entrance during the liturgy. I thank the Lord, who turned the devil’s evil despondency during dinner at home into good joy and who allowed me to sincerely caress my sister-in-law’s baby, Rufina, after dinner. Everything is a change of the right hand of the Most High [Ps. 76:11], for from Him is every good gift and every perfect gift [Jas. 1, 17]. Morning. I slept restlessly because at night I ate herring with onions in Provencal oil and drank milk and strong tea together - back pain. The chimney near the stove was open all night - maybe he had a mild cold. The Liturgy is celebrated daily for the reproof and salvation of the world, testifying to the endless love of God for the human race and to the truth of God, also to our ingratitude towards God and our untruth and to our addiction to the world and its transitory blessings. This is the daily sermon of the Church about the Divine, supernatural providence of God for our salvation and our absent-mindedness. Woe to those who do not heed this sermon! A certain man held a great supper and called the multitude [Lk. 14, 16]. This is the Great Supper - the Sacrament of the Liturgy! Don’t many, many refuse it under various everyday pretexts?.. After mass in the evening. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the liturgy successfully and to partake without condemnation of the sweetness of the Divine Mysteries. The temptation was strong regarding the sexton, who did not rest at home and came late to mass, and regarding Deacon Al. Ivanovich Taratin, who coughed a lot. This seemed very offensive to me, and then - nothing, when the mass was over. Everything needs to be demolished. And what is the Patriarch of Alexandria demolishing! On the day of Saint Equal-to-the-Apostles Prince Vladimir there was very heavy rain in the evening: I got wet all over with an umbrella, driving from the prayer service from the Onatskys to the all-night vigil in the Duma. Lord, have mercy - it is often sung in the Church, like the prayer of the publican: God, be merciful to me, a sinner [Lk. 18, 13]. It expresses the humility and repentance of a sinner who deserves eternal execution, as having endlessly offended with his countless sins the infinite goodness and holiness and truth of God, and at the same time hope for the infinite mercy of God, who has mercy on us for the sake of the infinitely great Sacrifice of the Son of God, who suffered punishment from the justice of God for all human sins and death itself, in order to save us from sin and death. This short prayer is significant and very instructive. I thank the Lord, who raised me spiritually from the dead after communion of the Divine Mysteries during the liturgy, which I performed with extreme difficulty due to smoking a cigar the day before and walking a lot in St. Petersburg (from the Church of the Sign to St. Isaac's Square). I felt that the smoke of a cigar for me was dead smoke, connecting both body and soul, killing both and depriving the latter of grace. The night is the most restless: fleas or bad blood bothered me all night; constantly tossed and turned and itched. Yesterday I drank quite a lot of coffee and tea, did not have lunch and had a snack after the christening: smoked whitefish, caviar, cheese and butter with sweet and sour and white bread, long crackers with sugar. At home I drank tea again, without appetite. Tea and coffee in large quantities are very harmful. Morning. Six o'clock. Yesterday after evening tea there was quite a strong perspiration, which I suddenly stopped with coolness. Yesterday I drank sweet tea and coffee - isn’t it because of the excessive sweetness that I’m feeling so itchy?.. Sweets are harmful. Every Orthodox Christian must remember that the priest performs services in the image of Christ the Savior, the Intercessor of God and men, that the intercession of the priest, although a sinful person, due to the merits of Christ, has great power before God and is alive and effective for the salvation of people; that the liturgy is a particularly high, heavenly service, because in it, as it were, the whole life of our Lord Jesus Christ with His teaching, miracles, prophecies, suffering, death, resurrection and ascension to heaven is repeated before us; that during the Liturgy we must and can ask the Lord for all sorts of blessings that are truly necessary and useful to us, for if God did not spare His Only Begotten Son, but gave Him up for us all, how can He not give us everything with Him? [Rom. 8, 32]. Therefore, the Holy Church, both in all its services, which depict the economy of our salvation, and especially during the liturgy, loudly prays to God for all people, for the whole world, asking the Lord for all kinds of good. So, no one stands at the Liturgy indifferently, coldly, but everyone stands and prays with a burning spirit. I thank the Lord, who also at this Liturgy performed the miracle of reviving me, strengthening and renewing my mental and physical strength through communion of the life-giving and terrible Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord. I was and continue to be amazed at the life-giving power of the Divine Mysteries: their Divine power, conquering every opposing force, the sacredness that cleanses all sin, the vitality that takes away all mortality in my twofold being! Oh, what a world! What freedom! What lightness! I praise the Lord with all my heart. July 19th. 1872 Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate in grace, albeit in cramped conditions and demonic insurance, an all-night vigil in the Duma church and then in the house of honorary citizen Philip Stepanov. I deeply realized, on the one hand, the greatness of the priestly rank, equal to the prophetic and apostolic, and on the other, my extreme unworthiness, lewdness and inconsistency in word, life and deeds with this rank. I was touched in my soul, and involuntarily tears flowed from my eyes. Only infinite mercy can endure and long-suffer a sinner like me, for I have surpassed everyone in sins, all people, from Adam to this day: by which sins were not corrupted, by which the evil were not kept? This sin that I have committed, which has brought all uncleanness into my soul, would be undesirable for You, my God, and man 44. But I deny you, Satan, and all your deeds, and all your service, and all your pride. I unite with You, Christ God, my light, my breath, my peace, my belly, my joy, my strength, my glory! It rained heavily at night and in the morning too. By morning I slept restlessly: itching, or bad blood, or fleas. Tension of the reproductive organ from sprats, wine and sweet tea. I repeat again: you should not eat fish in the evening, and generally avoid eating at night. If there is no good perspiration, the blood deteriorates, which is why the body itches - you have to sweat. When our body falls into disrepair from our old passions or from old age, then the merciful, wise and all-powerful Lord sends us death so that it will be reborn and renewed and resurrected beautiful, powerful and incorruptible. So, do not be afraid, Christian: when the body dies, then it begins, through the destruction of everything corruptible and nasty, to be reborn and renewed. Just live purely and in love. I myself am much, much to blame for lustful thoughts and inclinations (although I did not actually commit fornication) and demonic fears - I am to blame for the fact that I eat and drink quite a lot and indulge in a lot of feasts, I drink wine, that is why the enemy does dirty tricks in me, that is why my sinful flesh strongly fights against my soul; to nourish and undead flesh means to feed and undead sin and passions. Post, post! Vigil, vigil! Works, works! I thank the Lord, who gave me a clear and strong voice for the celebration of the Divine Liturgy and spiritual courage in difficult, heavily rainy weather. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the communion of His Divine, Most Pure and Life-Giving Mysteries and destroyed all the machinations of the enemy (ah, the enemy never ceases to confuse me with various ghosts!). God! Give me grace, and strength, and wisdom to nurture love and respect for my brethren who sin, and not to despise the one who sins, just as You do not despise me, the one who sins. Grant in every person to honor Your image and the artistry of Your hands! I thank the Lord, who has now saved me many times from evil sins (for example, in the case of director P.N. Yanish damaging his side and leg, during the story in [Ptashkina’s] house about indecency committed by the private bailiff Karsaptyev in Yanuarsky’s house). O Most Merciful Lord! There is no number of Your salvations, accomplished invisibly in me! Glory to You! Save, Lord, every person and save everyone into Your Kingdom who desires salvation. Note. Karsaptyev's abominations; God and the Judge see. extreme tension in the penis and restless sleep from itching (even after a bath) from sweet jelly with milk and fish. When you see human beauty, immediately remember the original beauty, the beauty of God, from which all beauty in the world and which the righteous are promised to see forever - and do not be seduced by the corruptible beauty here. When carnal sweets seduce you, the sweets of food and drink or from carnal copulation, remember the infinite, holiest, most natural, eternal sweetness from the union of faithful souls with God - and the charm will freeze in you, suppressed and killed by true Sweetness. For nothing in this world can be compared with the blessings that God has prepared for people who love Him in that age [1 Cor. 2, 9]. If you are seduced by beautiful perishable clothing, silk or velvet, remember the incorruptible clothing, infinitely more beautiful, in which the righteous will be clothed at the second and glorious coming of the Lord of Glory, and according to which their very bodies will be similar to the glorified body of the Lord. If you are seduced by the local distinctions and rewards, the local honor and glory, which are momentary and often unrighteous and are the fruit of seeking and only arouse jealousy and envy in others, then remember the distinctions and rewards and eternal honors that the Lord will reward all those who please Him after His second coming and His Last Judgment over the universe, and again do not be deceived in the least by these rewards, so that from addiction to them you will not lose future rewards. Despise everything here and consider it smoke, for that is what it is. After mass. I thank Heavenly Mercy, which has again bestowed upon me heavenly life, strength, strength, peace, boldness, and health in the communion of the Divine Mysteries. It was very difficult to serve mass due to yesterday's excessive sweet food (jelly) and milk. Evening. Ten o'clock. That’s how my soul was stung, as if by a mortal sting, from the servant’s words that my sister-in-law Anna was untimely drinking raw cream like milk! Science is not to chase after sweets, but to despise them! I have the Flesh and Blood of the Son of God - what is more valuable, more vital? He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood has eternal life [Jn. 6, 54]. He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood abides in Me and I in him, says the Lord [Jn. 6, 56]. What do I need after this? What food, what drink? Should I prefer the perishable and insignificant to the imperishable and infinitely important? Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both [1 Cor. 6, 13]. Be jealous of love, of love for God and neighbor, and not about milk and cream or any sweets, or any distinctions and advantages, or about money and any other things - all this and the body itself will turn into decay, into nothingness; Be jealous of the affinity of souls, of mutual love, and do not seek an unnatural, deathly fusion, the copulation of the soul with perishable materiality - this is an action of the devil, this is a perversion of nature. Oh, how my soul is still wounded, having now lost its love for sister Anna and was inflamed with enmity and envy, and of course, greed! I repent before the Lord, who tests hearts and wombs! God! Grant me to love my sister for Your sake and for the sake of Your image in her, for the sake of her membership with me and with You, for the sake of Your endless goodness, Your long-suffering towards us, Your countless generosity towards us! I use varnish myself, but I can’t stand tasty treats in the house! Isn’t it a mortal sin – a delicacy? Doesn’t a delicacy lead to fornication? Doesn't the delicacy remove you from God? Doesn't the heart become very rough from delicacy? Was it not from delicacy and satiety that the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah fell into all sorts of sins? Was it not their sin in the abundance of bread and the abundance of wine?... Remember that it is better to be offended than to offend anyone, especially the widow and the orphan. Remember that hostility towards someone will take deeper and deeper roots if you allow yourself to get angry with someone because of something, and this is the last thing. Never be angry with anyone for anything: neither for truth nor for untruth; do not give room to the devil, embrace everyone with love, do not become irritated with anyone. Remember: take care, keep love in your heart more than the apple of your eye. Sometimes the enemy will deliberately lead someone into temptation in order to arouse in your heart hatred towards the tempted and to confuse and upset you - do not hesitate, do not be embarrassed, do not be inflamed by the spirit of enmity. Bear it calmly, with prayer in your heart for those who sin, and when you calm down, then, if they are subordinates, give a meek, sometimes severe reprimand for the crime they committed, so that it becomes bitter for them. Forgive me, Lord, for my sin that I bitterly condemned my sister and sister-in-law Anna and gave reason to condemn her and my servant Catherine. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to celebrate the Divine Liturgy for the dead in the Duma and who consoled me again with the communion of His Holy Mysteries. The wine was brought in rubles, very strong; intoxicated and entrenched. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance when I repented to Him in the oppression of sin, and who delighted me with prayer and tender tears; I stood on the water of repose for almost the entire all-night vigil. Morning. I slept well: there was no back pain. Dinner was light: Polish long sweet and sour bread, not all of it, a soft-boiled egg, jelly, a glass of tea, a little cream. I was walking. I thank the Lord for a healthy state of mind and body. (The day is clear.) Isn’t it true that some people often look at themselves as if they were a beautiful toy, and wish that others would also play with this toy? Is a person a toy? Oh, how important is its purpose! How pitiful is his future if he voluntarily deviates from this destiny! After mass. Along with diarrhea, I almost started vomiting during and after mass from the soft-boiled eggs with cold jelly I had eaten the day before, and from the cream I drank in small quantities without tea. I completely lost my appetite; I barely consumed the Divine Mysteries. The Holy Church, a mourner and intercessor for the whole world, constantly grieves and intercedes before God for the whole world, especially for the salvation of the Christian race (read with attention her litany, her litany, her prayers) - and not only grieves and intercedes for all the living, but also the dead: proof of this is all Saturday services, all ecumenical Saturdays, on which she intercedes for the repose of all the departed, all her midnight services. Marvelous is the love of the Church for her children and not even her own children! This is the love of Christ! I revere the spirit of my Holy Mother - the Orthodox Church. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate early mass today safely, in my completely painful condition; and I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, with God’s help, in conversational language and tone, and performed the prayer service for the blessing of water. The power of God is made perfect in weakness. Where sin abounds, grace abounds [Rom. 5, 20]. Thank God for everything! Heavy rain. At night it was very hot to sleep under a cloth blanket, so I took a fabric one. By the grace of God, I slept quite well. The diarrhea went away from vodka with ginger and herring. Today is the day of departure to Moscow. Guide, Lord, our path through the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints. Asmodeus (Heb.) – destroyer, evil spirit, seducer, Satan. Tochiyu (Church Glav.) – only. Doukhobors are sectarians who rejected the presence and action of the Holy Spirit in the Church and taught that the Holy Spirit is communicated to each believer according to his personal acceptability, regardless of his participation in the Church Sacraments. The prayer “For in Your Fear, and without respect of persons you stand before the Judgment Seat...” from the following to Holy Communion. You might be interested in: