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I thank the Lord, who revived and consoled me with the communion of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries. But I still have no hearing, despite fiery prayers and tears before the Lord, before the Queen Theotokos and the saints. When will the Lord have mercy? What benefactor will he send me? Which doctor - a bribe-taker or a gratuitous one? I thank the Lord, who heard my cries of repentance when I, having become angry with the beggars and calling one of them shameless in a fit of anger and throwing him a ten-kopeck piece in annoyance, then came to my senses and in the fire of sorrow and distress began to diligently and relentlessly cry out to God for mercy, forgiveness, healing, cleansing and salvation. I am saved, pardoned, at peace. Glory to Your long-suffering on me, the accursed, and Your countless mercy for me, Lord! February 1st. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. Fasting is spiritual strength against sin and against the spirits of darkness and evil. Intemperance is the extreme powerlessness of a person, weakness in the fight against sin and the devil and victory over him. That is why the Holy Church often puts this weapon in the hands of her children and armies them with fasting. The great-gifted Lord blessed me, a great sinner, through the communion of His All-Blessed, Most Pure and Life-Giving Mysteries, cleansed me, sanctified me, pacified me, freed me, and renewed me. Glory to His long-suffering and mercy! I thank the Lord, who taught my hands to fight and my fingers to fight [Ps. 143, 1 ], and my enemies sleeping 86 under me. I thank the Lord, who extinguished in me the spirit of vain enmity against Sister Anna. Sister Anna, sincerely or hypocritically, is very affectionate towards me. And this is enough for me. May God grant me to be just as affectionate towards her (although I do not look for earthly blessings from her) and towards her children. As much as I notice, in all my dislike for her there is a strong lever - my greed and pity for food and everything household, that is, all household things damaged by her children. O greed, greed! How much secret, underground evil is due to you! How much hostility! If I had lived with her, I wouldn’t have been like that towards her. Only the Church can keep us at the height of Christianity and Christian life and attend church diligently and attentively. For the sake of God and your salvation, you need to change your usual way of life: eating and drinking in the morning, eating meat (perhaps in very small quantities, just not at night), eating mealy foods, such as porridge, and heavy fish - cod, halibut, etc. In general, eat extremely moderately, do not eat anything at night. Lord, help and confirm! Tonight it was hard for me from eating meat at night. Remember that you need very little food, for your juices are in you. Overeating causes heaviness throughout the body - you can’t exercise. Moreover, in my years, I must certainly fast for the sake of piety and the love of God. So I saw a dream, admonishing me that, because of pleasing my belly (the director is right there), I am omitting my very important duties, while the end (of teaching), that is, of this everyday, temporary training, is coming, and I must answer before God (and not before any auditor). The director admitted to me that it was good that they didn’t ask him - he himself didn’t know, because, he says, out of habit he ate all the meat - every day. Knowing, he did not teach himself to piety, abstinence and fasting. Meat food is conducive to laziness, bliss, toothache (from excess blood). I did not distribute the Gospels given to me for distribution (in a dream). In fact, I have a lot of sacred books, I need to give them and distribute them for reading, so that they don’t lie in vain. I thank the Lord, who has had mercy on me even today with His immeasurable mercy in cleansing my sins and in giving me peace, freedom, joy in the Holy Spirit after communion of the Divine Mysteries. And before communion there was despondency, sorrow, weakness, and cramped conditions. Oh, how good and wondrous is the Lord, who revives me when I was dead, for all my days I die in sins. Supreme prayer: if someone were to speak to his friend [Exod. 33, 11 ]; the closeness of the priest to God, like Moses or Aaron. By guidance ([...]) - that is, it brings something to a known thought, for example: a candle - to a person with a bright mind and a warm heart for God, or to the words of the Lord: I have come to bring down fire on the earth [Lk. 12, 49 ]; or: he (the Forerunner) was a lamp, burning and shining [John. 5, 35 ]; or the descent of the Holy Spirit in fiery heathens. Incense - for the spiritual fragrance of the shrine and for the fact that the fragrance of the Holy Spirit cleanses the stench of our passions. The voice of the fire is thin, and there is the Lord [1 Kings. 19, 12 ] (in communion). Here, in the church, the spring of living water continually flows in the word of God and in the life-giving Mysteries (and in all the Mysteries). What is our life? – The fight against disease, decay and death from infancy to old age, or until the end of life; the fight against passions that are constantly intensifying to captivate and destroy our souls and bodies, to deprive the soul of the grace of God, the image of God, this priceless treasure of ours; reject, reject from holiness, virtue, faith, hope and love, deprive of peace, freedom, light, strength, boldness, akin to it by nature. I sinned before God - I grumbled against the Lord and was insolent because of deafness, which I acquired accidentally and did not allow me to hear church readings. It was sickening and annoying! Even if this sin overcomes Your love for mankind, Lord, forgive me this sin too, so that I may glorify Your patience and mercy! Wake up! I recognize my extreme corruption from the fact that I cannot on my own love my neighbors and need the special grace of God, which I must ask for through repentance and tears; I feel extremely proud, self-righteous, self-indulgent, unclean, angry, proud, envious, lazy, gluttonous, selfish, sad, cowardly. Just blow the Holy Spirit into my ears, O Lord, and they will be corrected. Follow Thy spirit, and they will be created [Ps. 103, 30], and renew my hearing. Resurrection. Late mass. Today I fell deeply inwardly, in my heart, during the invocation of the Holy Spirit and the transformation of bread and wine into the Terrible Mysteries, grieving in my soul at the watchman Nicholas, who stood near the altar near the deacon, although he stood to receive the censer. I could barely repent and ask the Lord for mercy - the devil was so enticing. God forbid from being upset with anyone during mass, and at any time. He pronounced the royal names word by word, drove like a lazy horse, but he said everything. And in the evening there was no need to eat or drink again: my heart was terribly heavy. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I felt an extraordinary peace and quiet within me. At home he was no stranger to grief towards his sister-in-law Anna; she, however, was very affectionate and helpful, her face was very pleasant, bright, clean, not pouty; I, a sinner, sulked a little, and a hellish fire smoldered in my heart. Give me, Lord, [angelic] kindness, envy and sincere goodwill. I am upset with my sister-in-law and envy her because she constantly lives with nothing to do and eats and drinks all the best things for nothing with the servants. But at least the servants work - they don’t feel sorry for the workload. But this one literally does nothing except feed the children. I am stupid: why do I envy her, is it good? Is this really how I would like to live? What would happen to me then? I should rejoice and thank God that I work for the benefit of myself, my family, and the poor, and I am not pleasing only myself. But it’s true that I still please myself a lot. And this is a sin. But why am I still listening to the slanderer and slanderer of the devil? The devil knocked down the pulpit; on the Gospel of the ten lepers: if they were not found - also; in a prayer of thanks, with the help of God, I held on. The devil instills absurd fears. You need more courage, to look everyone openly in the eyes. Forgive me, Lord, my rage against the poor, my cry, pitying myself and not them, lack of sympathy and coldness towards them, disrespect for their needs, exaggeration of their multitude. But from irritation my ears also hurt more, because from the excitement of the blood throughout the body, it rushes to the head, and especially to the ears. The Lord brings everyone down, and the devil brings everyone down. The Lord draws through abstinence and prayer, denial of oneself and all worldly addictions; the devil - through incontinence of the belly and loins, through immoderation in everything, through pride and various worldly passions, of which there is no number. Our soul needs only one thing: God, love for Him, a pure heart, love for one’s neighbor as for oneself, meekness, patience, and kindness. If this is there, everything else – lesser, everyday things – will be added. It was hard for me to celebrate a wedding in Ladwitz with many different kinds of visitors! How difficult it was for me to pronounce words, how much I missed due to the devil’s stumbling! It was so hard that you could even drop everything and run away. Where does such weakness of spirit come from! But, it seems to me, because of my satiety, the demons get the better of me, and not I. It would be a long time since I needed to eat meat and enjoy savory cabbage soup and soups and cream! Intemperance brings its deadly fruits: powerlessness of the spirit, rudeness and cruelty of the heart, lack of sincerity and depth in prayer. Oh Satan! transforming 87 our hearts and our deeds, even the work of God through us! And I am hard-hearted towards the poor! This is, of course, not a good example! This is a great loss for me! You never know for the poor that the laity are hard-hearted towards them - even the shepherds of the verbal sheep turn [the rear] to them! In our moral actions there is a system, a sequence - good or evil, that is, our actions bring us fruit according to their kind and type: good - good, evil - evil, even if we did not want it. For example, you did not fast the Nativity fast on a whim, and this failure to fast brought you the fruit of spiritual death, not life, a weakening of the spirit and grace, while fasting would have brought the opposite, good fruits. And I learned the skill of vanity, vanity, people-pleasing, and even in the priesthood! Alas for me! This day is extremely memorable for me, as a day of terrible temptation and torment from the devil’s malice: in the morning, at 9 o’clock, leaving the house for mass, I met Anna Konstantinovna in the kitchen and, through the action of the devil in my heart, I instantly became embittered with her for idleness, parasitism, prolonged sleep, and I myself was deeply, deeply wounded and scorched by the hellish fire of malice, fell into cramped conditions, relaxation, confusion, and throughout the mass I endured the terrible agony of anger, for the chief of evil himself nested in my heart and seemed to tear my insides with his horns, scorching with his fiery trunk. Woe was it for me, it was hellishly hard. How terribly the roaring lion, looking for someone to devour [1 Peter. 5, 8]. And why am I angry with my sister? - Because of greed, because of the belly, because of the belly; don't eat mine for nothing. But why am I bothering? What have I lacked so far? Nothing. And we ourselves were happy with everything, and I sent and continue to send to my poor relatives, and besides, every day I am full and satiated. On this day, I especially became aware of all my sinful corruption, all my moral ugliness, all the depth of my addiction to this corruption, to this temporary life, all my spiritual poverty, all the drying up of true love, all my self-love, my self-indulgence, voluptuousness, the complete lack of self-sacrifice. The flour was rightly so. Late in the evening I drank wine (two glasses of sherry), ate red caviar, heavy sweet and sour bread and part of a roll, and drank tea with cream - I prepared everything to intensify my temptation. And in the morning, after Matins, he went to bed instead of preparing for mass. For this, the devil cleverly deceived me, sleepy. If I had watched and prayed, this terrible temptation would not have happened. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me in His Holy and life-giving Mysteries and, after all the torment, comforted me with peace and deliverance. Great is the life-giving and saving power of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ God! Sweets relax, cool and lull the soul. We believe in the Lord and in His Gospel - and do not fulfill what is written in it; we believe in the resurrection of the dead, in the Last Judgment, in the future life - and we do not prepare for the resurrection, for the Judgment, for the new life prepared for the virtuous, we cleave to this perishable goods. Terrible split! So strong is the habit of sin! Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the bliss of communion with God in the Divine Mysteries, for the cleansing of my sins, for peace and holiness, for boldness. I would never leave the church, I was so blissful, happy! O vain world! When will I be free from addiction to you! I sinned against my sister Anna Konstantinovna, because I was indignant at her for her idleness and parasitism! She was not idle and did not eat bread, for she worked with the children. Moreover, I myself was always full with my favorite foods and drinks and did not need anything. My enmity was vain, devilish. I am irresponsible before You, Lord! I repent deep down! Anna Konstantinovna today unusually humbled herself, fell at my feet - I rejected her, saying: bow to God. This is what orphanhood and widowhood mean! Eating floury wheat foods increases scrofula. Lord, have mercy on me: I despised my doctor, hated him for the unsuccessful ear treatment, because of the money, most of all, that he takes money and does not do the work. But success depends on You, Lord: if you give it, it will be, if you don’t, it won’t be. Thy holy will be done! And forgive me my murmur and my insolence and impatience with cowardice. In the church, in all litanies and prayers, the spirit of love breathes. Is there love in the world? - No, there is pride, taken to the extreme limits - everything for oneself, for oneself, about oneself. Is there true love for God and neighbor in me, in me, apparently daily nourished by the spirit of love in church services? - Alas! Not in me either, to extreme surprise: the devil, with his breath, almost changed Divine love in me, and in me is the spirit of self-love with its branches: voluptuousness, greed, ambition, anger, envy. So, we must hasten to hate ourselves in order to love God and our neighbor, we must fast (against lust), give alms generously, willingly and zealously (against greed), not be irritated, be meek, humble, kind, sincere, benevolent (against pride, anger, ill will). Help, Lord! Sorry, let’s hear the Holy Gospel. Do we have a sincere attitude towards the word of God? Alas! No. Many, many do not read the Gospels, but read only secular magazines and newspapers, books. We have forgotten the words of the Apostle: we must be especially attentive to what we hear, so as not to fall away [Heb. 2, 1]. Blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it [Lk. 11, 28]. Do many people treat the word of truth, the word of God, which is able to save our souls, with deceit? Aren't many people too carried away by their specialties and everyday, temporary, scientific or practical details? Are we not cold about the word, the revelation proclaimed by the fiery tongues of the apostles? So we are hot for the vain, adulterous and sinful world and cold, indifferent to God, by whom we live and move and have our being [Acts. 17, 28]. Do we sincerely and straightforwardly relate to the church, to worship, to prayer, to the Mother of God, to the holy saints of God, to our soul, to the most important of all matters - the matter of our salvation? Let everyone answer this himself in his soul sincerely, unfeignedly. God! Every bird, every animal, every insect, every fish has hearing, but I do not. God! Grant me hearing of Your name! You have planted an ear, O Lord, and you have raised up the broken one, who has lost the ability to perceive sounds. Give me at least one hearing, one good-hearing ear, Lord! In the days of Your flesh You gave hearing to the deaf, but You are the same now: give me, the deaf, hearing too! Wake up! February 7. I thank the long-suffering and much-merciful Lord, who has blessed me beyond measure with the communion of His Divine Mysteries, through which He cleansed my sins, sanctified, pacified, revived, renewed, strengthened, and expanded me. Pies are very unhealthy for me, although they are easily baked with thin dough. I celebrated the wedding with extreme difficulty (John and Anastasia). He sinned - he got irritated with the beggars and tore out one beggar boy by the hair near the Yves Alex store. Dmitriev, and then hit the adult young man with a backhand on the cheek. I repent to the Lord and people - I have sinned! I beg your mercy. Why did I offend the beggars? Out of pride, self-indulgence, gluttony, greed. How do I live, where, what do I eat and drink, what do I wear, what do I get? And how the beggars live, where, what they eat and drink, makes a huge difference. Having loved His own in the world, He loved them to the end [Jn. 13:1], says Scripture. So Lord. So you too - love the poor and other neighbors to the end, and not just from time to time, not for the sake of selfishness or profit, not for the sake of partiality. I thank the Lord for the holy gift of communion of the life-giving Mysteries, by which I was revived. He sinned - he still did not leave the feeling of hostility towards Anna Konstantinovna, he did not speak peacefully with her, he was jealous of his wife, whom she took possession of for her own benefits. It turns out that rancor is nesting in me, or remembering her rudeness and insolence and slandering me. From my heart I want to forgive and I forgive her everything, because she subsequently humbled herself and behaved well and respectfully. Love is the main principle of the law of God, of all the apostles and prophets. To love every person as you love yourself, you must learn to love your family, enduring their mistakes, misdeeds, faults, insults, and tolerating their weaknesses. God is my perfect treasure. I don’t need anyone or anything besides Him. I have experienced a thousand times how good it is to be with Him and in Him. I also know from experience how harmful and deadly it is to become attached to earthly things. God! Teach me with patience and a spirit of meekness and love to endure the abandonment of me by You, the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Guardian Angel and Your saints and, to top it off, my wife herself, who has almost ceased to be my helper and serves only her sister, the widow, who lives with me. You combined, and man separated me. Grant me to live in You and for You. Or take my life as useless. I had one sound ear, and you deprived me of that and did not preserve that for me, it was a sin for my sake. But will you always be angry with me for my sins? Will you not accept repentance? Behold, I repent with all my heart of all my evils - envy, pride, disobedience, lack of sympathy and lack of compassion, wickedness, coldness, impurity, covetousness, lust, self-righteousness and all sins. I thank the Lord, who this morning surprised His mercy on me, a great sinner, through prayer and during the prayer of my repentance, who raised me from the death of sin, from sorrow, the oppression of reproach and internal shame, from internal thorns and frames 88 tearing my soul. This was until Matins, when I walked along the pavement near the church house, and then along the pavement near the church. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from being angry during Matins (against the reader Jacob Kamnev) for the reader’s ignorance of the matter (funeral matins) and who has given me the grace and strength to perform Matins without stumbling and with feeling. The Lord renewed His mercies towards me through my zealous repentance. I prayed to the Lord to give me the strength to be satisfied with all my household and with what I have, for some kind of restless discontent torments me every day, dissatisfaction with those living together. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me unspeakable mercy - the celebration of the liturgy and the communion of His life-giving Mysteries, which revived me with the fire of the Holy Spirit and burned the thorns of my sins and healed my illness from yesterday’s drunkenness at Sverlov’s. How infinitely high did the Lord set the salvation of our souls, that He Himself became human, labored, suffered, was martyred, was martyred, died and was resurrected. But how the world least of all values ​​spiritual salvation! They think it's a waste of time! How highly does he value the flesh and pleasures, beauty, health, wealth, eating, drinking, smoking! Every day the all-destroying sin besets me, and I have not yet learned how to overcome it, a proud sinner; self-love, vanity, vanity, irritability, anger, quarrel, malice, self-interest, gluttony, fornication, greed, gluttony, drunkenness, deceit, partiality, ill-will, envy, laziness, hard-heartedness, disobedience, willfulness, stubbornness, despondency, cowardice, timidity, false shame, idle talk, besets me, laughter and many other sins - negligence, dejection, murmuring, insolence, impatience, blasphemy, lies and deceit. My God! How long will I work for sin? How long will I be inattentive to the Scriptures, to the examples of the saints of the Old and New Testaments? Here is the patriarch Jacob - his name means “stammerer”: he befuddled his brother several times, firstly at birth, and then at birth. There is a mystery here: he stopped sin, not allowing it to triumph over him; at the very beginning of sin, he did not give him power over himself and then did not allow him to dominate himself! For Esau, his brother, as a sinner, was an image of sinful hesitation. Oh, who will teach me the wisdom of Jacob, who, for his wisdom in the fight against sin and overcoming sin, was awarded the fight with God Himself, this blissful fight that revealed his moral perfection - the perfection of meekness, gentleness, humility, simplicity, wisdom, integrity, faith, hope, love? Read the great canon of Andrew of Crete more often as a Christian person. I realize that I moved God’s long-suffering to indignation at me for my failure to correct myself, for my indolence in sins, for my failure to fulfill my vows (I promised during a laryngeal illness not to eat meat and did not keep my vow). So I became ossified in malice, envy, anger, irritability, gluttony, greed, penetrating to the bones and brains, in love for the world, in coldness towards God and neighbor, in hardness of heart. For a long time the Lord waited for my repentance with worthy fruits and did not wait, for now, when, by His righteous and good permission, I lost my hearing and asked Him many times with tears, with faith to grant me hearing, for with one wave of God I would have received hearing, He did not hear me, although he is endlessly merciful and compassionate, and turned His face away from me, although he does not cease to cleanse my sins in the prayer of my repentance and in communion holy life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord for everything, for the sad and for the joyful. But even though now, after fourteen weeks of punishment with deafness, have mercy, O Lord, and grant me my hearing again, either directly or through people. Show me, Lord, who should I turn to for healing. Behold, I prayed to You, Omniscient, All-Good, All-Merciful, Compassionate, All-Powerful, Benevolent! For us there is one God the Father, from Whom we are all, and we are with Him, and there is one Jesus Christ, in Whom we are all, and we in Him. There is one body and one spirit, just as you are called to one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in us all [Eph. 4, 4 – 6]. How close we are to God (we are with Him) and to each other - all Christians, both those who have settled in heaven and those who struggle on earth! How accessible is our prayer to the throne of God through the intercession of the Most Pure Mother of God and the saints! How trustingly one must pray! It is necessary to separate sin from the sinner and, while hating sin, love the sinner himself, for he is the image of God, although he bears the wounds of sins; and besides, we love ourselves, although we are aware of a thousand mistakes and sins - why, in the same way, not love our neighbor, our brother or sister, who are not alien to mistakes, passions, faults, angularities? For you must love your neighbor as you love yourself. I am accustomed to identifying the sinner with sin and to hate the sinner along with the sin, even more incomparably the sinner than the sin, for sin here only serves as a pretext for hatred, and in general, some empty thing often serves as a pretext for me to cause trouble, to quarrel, to enmity. How harmful it is to become attached to something earthly, everyday, when because of this attachment the Divine law of love is violated and destroyed - the whole law, and sometimes in one instant! To love your neighbor, you must renounce not only earthly things, but also yourself and everything that feeds your pride and my earthly carnal life; it is necessary to discard all excess of anger, envy, pride, pride, self-righteousness, stubbornness, gluttony, greed, carnality. I thank the Lord, who tamed my anger towards sister Anna upon my arrival home, when I found a complete disorder in the office. I was extremely upset with her for her negligence, inattention to order, laziness, inaction, parasitism, disobedience, and waywardness. He prayed to the Lord to grant her a separate life and teach her to work and observe order in everything. You are used to being angry with your neighbors and especially with your family because of any trifle that is unpleasant for you, because of a cold look, an unsmooth word, an unimportant offense, and you think that anger and anger towards your neighbor is a force capable of correcting or stopping a malfunction, error, harm, evil; on the contrary, anger and malice are true powerlessness and new evil - evil in yourself. But the strength against any sin of one’s neighbor is kindness, meekness, lack of anger, humility, prudence, forbearance, patience. This is the true power against all human malice and maliciousness, sin, and error. This is real power, divine power! This power has conquered the world! This power was opposed to the rage of the Jews and pagans by the holy apostles, and before them by the God-Man Himself, our Lord Jesus Christ; it was opposed to the rage of the persecutors and all the horrors by the holy martyrs, confessors, and hierarchs; it guided the holy hermits throughout their reverend lives. There is no stronger, firmer, more victorious, more fruitful force that triumphs over all evil, like the power of kindness and patience. Every Christian should firmly remember this, and I especially. February 14, 1873 Wednesday. The evening of this day was the evening of God’s great mercy, the speedy hearing and deliverance of God: embarrassed and wounded (due to the action of my pride and enemy) from a hostile collision with Anna K., who held the door to the dining room in front of me, to which I expressed my displeasure. I fell on my knees before God in my study with a strong cry and with tears of repentance - and in one minute I was pardoned and delivered by my Savior from a hostile mood, or disposition, and from confusion, and from oppression, and from shame, and I went out to my guests, the Gurnovs, calm and free in spirit (and when I walked forward, I was irritated, confused, inflamed, bound, ashamed). Glory to God the Savior for this! Oh, that the Lord my God would heal my ears as much as he heals my soul! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! (February 15, 1873) As if to expose my vain anger, in a dream at night I became angry with some young man, a former student at the Academy, who did not want to tell me his name and surname, despite my persistent request. For this I later began to scold him. And Iv.Fed. Nilsky, who appeared to be an old man, was congratulated here on his golden marriage. He took monastic vows - a monastic cowl and cassock; assigned to the novices, the monastery dinner is modest; service. The evening of February 15 was marked for me by a new mercy of God: in grief and distress from the sins of my insolence and cruelty with the poor (I tore one by the hair, pushed another from the stairs) and from the arrows of God’s wrath, I turned to God in a prayer of repentance, asking for forgiveness, healing, peace, freedom, space - and, oh infinite mercy, infinite goodness! I am pardoned, forgiven, healed, at peace, free! O meekness and long-suffering! And my sin was great and grave, not only as the sin of a Christian, who must always be a gentle lamb, but also as a priest, who should never get irritated and not lay a finger on anyone! And the Lord did not reject my repentance! I offended Him so much in the person of His members, these poor people, His brothers and mine, and He endured it patiently and did not destroy me! Glory to His longsuffering! Glory to His mercy! Oh, how much I must love the Lord, who has forgiven me so much and been patient for so long! What do we have in heaven after this? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72, 25 – 26]. February 15, 1873. How can you believe when you receive glory from each other, but do not seek the glory that is from the One God? [In. 5, 44]. So, most of us do not have true faith, for we do not strive for the honor of the heavenly calling of God, but for earthly things, we seek not eternal, but temporary treasures, we seek glory from each other, neglecting the glory from God, true glory. How do we neglect the glory that is from God? So that we do not care about correcting and purifying our hearts and the thoughts of our minds, the evil aspirations of our will; many were able to achieve important distinctions through affection, cunning or gifts, occupy prominent and profitable positions, make a fortune for themselves and appear important and famous before people, but before God they are not like that, before Him they are whitened tombs, full of the bones of the dead and all uncleanness [Matt. 23, 27], they are abominations before Him, for whatever is high in people is an abomination before God [Lk. 16, 15]. Another is hung with orders, but he himself is money-loving and greedy, like Judas, or unclean, like the misogynistic Esau. So, we chase after human glory, which is vain, and are negligent about the glory of God, true, eternal, we chase after the glory of this world and neglect the glory of heaven. If we were to seek the glory of God every day, we would pay strict attention every day, hour, minute to the inner state of our souls, we would purify our thoughts with unceasing contemplation of God, prayer, and reading the word of God, we would eradicate passions, we would live in love, meekness, gentleness, goodwill, friendship, we would be merciful to our neighbors to the point of self-sacrifice, submissive to elders, chaste, self-controlled and etc., and they would not value the lack of orders, the deprivation of wealth, etc. For he is not a Jew who is such in appearance, nor is circumcision that is outwardly in the flesh; but he is a Jew who is such inwardly, and that circumcision which is in the heart is in the Spirit, and not in the letter: his praise is not from men, but from God [Rom. 2, 28 – 29]. (Glory to Thee, Lord, for the good thought.) I sinned before God and people - I did not tolerate trifles: from my sister-in-law Anna K., the fact that she rushed, against my wishes, to lock the doors from the living room to the hall after I opened the window in my bedroom and locked the bedroom door leading to the hallway, so that the draft air could not penetrate into the hall where there were small children. I forbade her to lock the other door, and this aroused a quarrel because of my reproach at the table. The case began with the servant Marya, whom Anna K. drove away because of her, and perhaps her, whim. She did not listen to you, I said, and you drove her away; so listen to me, otherwise I will refuse you from the house. And they were very capricious, that is, Anna K. and some others. My wife stood up and began to feel sorry for her sister, but she grieved. The reason for all this was me, impatient and proud and angry. One person called smoking tobacco obscenity, since human nature did not know the need for this smoking before, but at the present time. This need is false and harmful. February 26. With unworthy lips, thoughts and hearts, I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me when I cried out to Him in my heart in the spirit of repentance to grant me forgiveness for my hostility towards sister Anna K. during my way to the cemetery, and who healed my spiritual ulcer and oppression. Glory to Your mercy and long-suffering, O Lord! I thank the Lord, who has yet delivered me from the crushing consequences of reprimanding my sister-in-law Anna for oppressing me in my house, that is, in my apartment. This was at lunch. Look at the example of the martyrs, how much they loved God and joyfully laid down their lives for Him. But we, for the Lord and for our salvation, do not want to endure small disadvantages, troubles caused by our own, self-will from our own family, and we become embittered, take revenge, cut our neighbors with our hearts and words, get angry, quarrel. You must lay down your soul for the law of the Lord, for love of your neighbor and endure everything, all faults, insults of your neighbors. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me His indescribable mercy - the celebration of the liturgy and the communion of the Divine Mysteries and through them the purification of the soul, peace, sweetness, freedom, boldness, light. I thank the Lord, who is building peace between me and my sister Anna, may it be firm, sincere, and constant. I bitterly repent of the fact that I ate fish last night - it’s so disgusting to me! So redundant! God! May I not touch fish throughout Lent! I want help! I thank the Trinitarian Lord, who made me worthy to glorify Him with a canon and akathist at four o’clock in the morning on Sunday, forgiven with abundant tears of tenderness. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who inexpressibly revived me, pacified me, renewed me, ennobled me, strengthened me, healed me through the communion of the holy, immortal and life-giving Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood, after the most difficult test during the service of the liturgy, after weakness, sorrow, illness, cramped conditions, spiritual death. I thought that what the black beer did to me was that my throat was completely clogged, along with my chest: I could barely speak. The weather is unhealthy, slushy, everything has melted. O accursed one, I constantly insult my Lord: the good one with malice, the generous one with stinginess, the meek one with rage, the most pure one with bad thoughts and feelings, the humble one with pride, the simple one with wickedness, the all-righteous one with untruths, the long-suffering one with impatience, the abundantly merciful one with unmercifulness. But, O long-suffering and most merciful Lord, You reconciled me through the prayer of my sincere repentance and left and forgave me the malice of my heart. (He said to Rykachev: it’s a pity that your words turned out to be wind; he shouted at the beggars twice.) So I feel within me Your grace, Your peace, freedom, coolness, space, like the water of peace. Glory to Thee, most merciful, most obedient Lord! Behold, be so kind to me, my Grace, tomorrow, during the service of the Lenten hours, Vespers and the Liturgy of the Presanctified. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy through my prayer and showed His help to me in the service of the Presanctified Liturgy and gladdened me with the communion of His holy, immortal and life-giving Mysteries after consuming them. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the spirit of voluptuousness and lewdness in the 3rd grade, which carried me away. Glory, Lord, to the virgin beauty of Your young children, created in Your image and likeness. Truly You have adorned, O Lord, the crown of all those created by You, that is, man. Glory to Your most pure, original, uncreated beauty, may the glory and beauty of creation always come to the Creator! Is it the boy’s fault that the devil carries me away with a feeling, a passion of lewdness against my will? During the service of the hours, Vespers and the Liturgy of the Presanctified, the devil strongly incited hatred towards the son of the altar watchman Nicholas, Ivan, who stood in the altar, and towards Nicholas himself. Several times I prayed to the Lord that the spirit of malice would depart from me and forgive me the sin of hostility, and the Lord accepted repentance and delivered me from the spirit of malice. Glory to the Lord! In the evening he was annoyed with the beggars, but he repented and received mercy and peace and grace from the Lord. The fruit of fish-eating and indulgence is a prodigal erection of the reproductive member. If you do not have the goal of life to give birth to children, then refrain from eating fish and sweets. From non-observance of fasting and abstinence, there is a rush of blood, an eclipse of the mind and heart occurs, the ability of sound and quick, thorough judgment is taken away, the impurity of the heart increases and all passions increase; at the slightest reason they begin to greatly excite and disturb the soul, especially the main passion - pride - can be very irritable. Fasting, while humbling the flesh and somewhat depressing it, especially if combined with prayer, also tames all passions, taking away their strength. Until now, you have learned ungodly love for yourself, elevating yourself and pleasing yourself, doing the will of your flesh, your nasty and evil heart. Now learn to hate and despise yourself, crucify your flesh with passions and lusts. Be a willing martyr. Having before our eyes examples of all virtues, Christian perfection and at the head of all - our Lord Jesus Christ and His Most Pure Mother, we do not strive for the perfection of life - we are so stubborn in sins that we do not love, as we should love, Christian perfection, we do not believe in ascension in our hearts. Oh, our damnation! We commit the same sins every day, or we add new ones, and we plunge deeper and deeper into them. The duty of a Christian is to strive for perfection in every virtue: in simplicity, in kindness, humility, non-covetousness, abstinence, purity, faith, hope, love, patience, obedience. To the repentant: do you recognize yourself as a sinner, spiritually sick, do you feel your illness, do you sincerely desire healing? Behold, the doctor is ready to heal and have mercy. Do you realize that sin removes the sinner from God and plunges the sinner into hell? Do you believe that the torment of hell for the unrepentant will be eternal? Tell me, what hurts your soul? Doesn’t it hurt from deceit, malice, envy, pride, vanity, covetousness, greed, gluttony, drunkenness, fornication, laziness, negligence, idleness, idle talk, foul language, the habit of lying, deceiving, swearing? Doesn’t it hurt with waywardness, stubbornness, and the habit of getting angry over every trifle? Don't you suffer from jealousy, wastefulness, extravagance, hard-heartedness towards the poor, lack of compassion, stinginess, don't you condemn everyone? Are you not prone to grumbling, despondency and cowardice in sorrows, misfortunes, and failures? Have you allowed your love for God and neighbor to fade away? Have you gone to the church of God? Do you read and listen to the word of God? Do you think about what God has done and is doing for the salvation of our souls, especially for your soul? Do you feel, do you recognize the need for worship, fasting and prayer? Have you lost interest in prayer, in general, in the work of salvation? Do you believe that you are in the image of God and that the image of God in you has been distorted by sins? Do you want to restore and decorate it? Do you believe that you are a member of Christ, a temple of the Holy Spirit, that we are all members of each other? Have you treasured your baptismal garments like white snow? Betrothal of the Holy Spirit? Do you believe that your Fatherland is in heaven, and here you are only a stranger and a stranger, a short-term guest? Are you preparing to appear to the Heavenly Father in the robe of righteousness and purity that Jesus Christ prepared for you, spent, and adorned with His cross and death? Do you believe that the Church is your most tender mother, leader and educator, given to us from Jesus Christ Himself, and that the saving grace of God incessantly abides in it? Do you obey, do you not shun her? Do you honor the spiritual shepherds who guide you to God and eternal life? Do you respect with all your soul the great work of their ministry and shepherding? I had severe pain in the lower back all night because I ate a lot of porcini mushrooms with sweet and sour bread (Polish) at night. You should never eat mushrooms at night, and generally avoid them. I should also avoid porridge and oatmeal due to my scrofulous condition. Do not interfere with the work or inaction and laziness of your sister-in-law Anna K., know yourself and do your business, and leave her to Christ God, the Head of the Body of the Church, the Shepherd and Visitor of our souls. I see that the enemy deliberately incites us to notice only all the bad in her, leaving the good in oblivion. So, I forgot that she readily bandaged my sore finger, that she said “goodbye” to me at night when I didn’t want to say it in advance, and in general she and her child Liza often caressed me cordially. And thank you for that. God is with her, and may he be with me. Teach her every task, Lord, and do not let her expect wealth, as if it were going to fall from heaven to her; Teach her business, work. The love of someone, for example, a father, a friend or a rich person, a boss, is expressed in generous gifts to the beloved or in rewards to him, also in condescension towards his weaknesses and misdeeds, in various encouragements. Thus, God’s love for us sinners was and is expressed in countless gifts, material and spiritual, and most of all in the gift of His Only Begotten Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, in the gift of Jesus Christ’s Most Pure Body and Blood for our food and drink. So we, in imitation of the Lord or good parents, bosses, friends, rich people, should be generous to the poor and not reduce our alms to an extremely small amount or not drive them away from us, if we have something to help them, even if this has to be done every day by the same numerous poor. Because they have nowhere to take it. I praise and extol the Lord, who showed me His salvation last night in the reconciliation of my wife with me, for whose softening I prayed, for I had hardened and angered her with my anger and my grumpiness in my sick and tired state. Before reconciliation, I could not sleep, but after reconciliation, I fell asleep. Although not for long, because the finger with the nailworm bothered me. I thank the Lord, who helped me yesterday to confess one hundred and ninety-eight people from 2 and a quarter to 9 and a half o’clock in the evening. It was difficult for me to pronounce the entire prayer of permission: the enemy the devil constantly resisted and stole the words of the prayer from my heart and lips. I was fussy and constrained. I thank the Lord, who has now shown me His inexpressible mercy in my service of the early liturgy, who has taken away my deadness and powerlessness, the violence of the devil, and who has pacified and made me glad with His sovereign cup and has made me worthy to give communion to about three hundred people. Father Matthew gave communion to more than a hundred. All confessors in the First Week of Lent were six hundred people. I thank the Lord, who made the heart of my sister Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova, for whom I prayed, soft as wax. God is marvelous in our inner world, in the soul, He does wonderful things in it, converting, softening, enlightening, purifying, changing it, reconciling it, putting it on the path of faith and hope, love. Glory to the God of hearts, the God of minds, the God of our wills! Glory to the Lord, who destroys our hostile dispositions! For the devil tirelessly, cunningly, fearfully sows enmity in us! May we learn to love each other fervently, unceasingly, persistently, unfailingly! Forgive me, Lord, I smoked tobacco today, supposedly to alleviate the pain in my hand. The priest must be completely imbued with, animated by the sacred act or ritual being performed. So, for example, when he gives parting words to a sick person and when he is face to face with the Lord Himself, the only Lover of Mankind, who gives Himself as food and drink to the faithful, the priest here must be completely imbued with the greatness of the Being who is to come, His holiness, goodness and love; must be imbued with a sense of his unworthiness, his sins; must be imbued with compassionate love for the sick, must recognize our common weakness, sinfulness, mortality. God save him in these moments from feelings of partiality and selfishness, which often at this time tempt him out of habit of partiality and covetousness. Thus, when celebrating the Liturgy, he must be completely imbued with love for God, who loved the world so deeply that He gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in Him would not perish, but have eternal life [Jn. 3, 16], and love for all people, as brothers and children of one Father; when performing the Sacrament of Baptism, one must be imbued with the greatness of this heavenly Sacrament, the infinite goodness and wisdom of God, who has deigned to grant us the bath of rebirth and renewal of the Holy Spirit and sincere the desire for all renewal and eternal life in the Kingdom of Christ; when performing the Sacrament of Repentance, one must be inspired by the feeling of the infinite mercy of God, for one zealous repentance, for a tear of tenderness, forgiving us countless sins due to the merits of Christ our Savior on the cross. Truly the unspeakable mercy of God is an unsearchable abyss of love for mankind! But we must protect ourselves and others from reckless, inactive, lazy, impudent trust in God’s mercy, for God is not an accomplice of evil. We must produce fruit worthy of repentance [Matt. 3, 8] and teach others this; when performing Chrismation, one must reverence the pledge of the Holy Spirit and keep it firmly in one’s heart, for this is the pledge of eternal life and eternal bliss, and not cleave to the blessings of this fleeting life here, but philosophize on heaven. Greed and envy often force us to be indignant at people and insult them for eating modest foods during Lent - greed, I say, and not true piety and the desire for the spiritual benefit of salvation. Every man is a lie [Ps. 115, 2]. In general, self-love is the main lever of all our thoughts, feelings, intentions, aspirations, words, actions, passions, therefore let him who bears the name of Christ deny himself and mortify his flesh with passions and lusts. I, damned one, drowned my flesh and soul with intemperance and passions. When will I humble myself with fasting, vigil, prayer? This morning I got up at four o’clock, and then went to bed again, lazy, careless. My bad character is due to gluttony, greed and satiety - suspicious, angry, wayward, proud, fearful, murmuring, impatient, envious, proud, prodigal, sad. It is right that the Lord delivers me over to the dominion and tyranny of the devil, to whom I labor with my passions. I sinned before God and my neighbors: I did not sincerely read prayers when giving instructions to the sick, I confessed carelessly; I also casually read prayers to mothers in labor. The Liturgy was often performed by Borzo 89, reluctantly; did not sincerely remember the deceased, hastily; I also often casually read prayers to mothers in labor. He blessed those who reluctantly and carelessly asked for blessings. I casually prayed for the sovereign, for the Holy Synod. Also about the others according to the litanies - great, special, small, petitionary. Resurrection. Matins and early mass. Truly our God is the God of miracles and hope of those who hope not. As much as the devil during mass insulted, tormented, dishonored me internally, confused, instilled fear and fear, as much as he killed me, so, and much more, the Lord, after communion, consoled, calmed, and revived me! O life-giving, sweet, peaceful, strengthening fire, the fire that I felt, felt immediately after communion! Fire equal to eternal life, fire, the Holy Spirit Himself, or the Spirit in the fires! For You it is worthwhile and righteous to give everything in the world and my very perishable life! Fire of holiness, fire of strength, purity! O life after death! How sweet you are! But how envious the evil one is of this life and how he strives to immediately tear it out of our hearts, how disgusting this life is to him! How he rages and rages against us, driven out by the grace of the Spirit! For the devil is accustomed to have a warm nest in us. Just as a hyena, deprived of children, becomes enraged, so he rushes at us, choosing as an instrument some of our weaknesses. So today he did not allow me to pronounce the word of the Gospel at the prayer service, so he relaxed me during Baptism in the church while reading prayers to the mother in labor. Again today I had to bitterly repent that yesterday evening I ate marinated smelt fish and caviar with pretzels and black bread. It was unnecessary. How will I begin to mourn my incontinence since yesterday evening, and indeed my incontinence in general! How will I wash away my satiety with fish soup and fish in my ear, after I’ve had my fill of tea at Kovrigin’s? I drowned my belly with food, and the enemy flooded my soul with all sorts of temptations: prodigal temptations, confusion, fear, powerlessness to pray and to victory over enemies; I came home embarrassed, offended, and scolded. What an impudent disregard on my part for the word of the Gospel and for example the example of my Savior, offered for my salvation, and for the statutes of my God-inspired mother - the Church, which legitimized the fast of Pentecost! What kind of insane rejection of the spiritual weapons given to me by the Church against my sins and enemies? As soon as I ate my fill of fish yesterday, lustful thoughts began to overwhelm and confuse me, and unclean movements in my heart became common! Oh, how dangerous it is to violate the decrees of the Church! How disastrous for soul and body! We keep thinking: maybe it will do, nothing will happen! And experience shows that intemperance is not nothing, but gives rise to pure spiritual misfortune, a collapse of the spirit. Every work loves integrity, completeness, as does the work of spiritual salvation, but we only begin this work, and soon we destroy it ourselves through our inattention, negligence, addiction to the murderer of flesh, and we drive away the spirit of grace, and plunge ourselves into misfortune. For the enemy is glad that we have let go of the weapon and mocks us. Lord, have mercy on me, who am perishing, and have mercy and save me! Oh, how hard it was for me to serve today after drowning myself with ear and then - with the temptations of the enemy! What greed! What recklessness! What a free self-drowning! Oh, what an endless difference between the food of the Body and Blood of Christ and the food that perishes! That one revives - this one mortifies the spirit with little excess, that one calms - this one outrages, that one eases - this one burdens, that one gives boldness - this one plunges into cowardice. Not for the sake of retribution, but for the sake of Christ, may the widow Anna K., my sister-in-law, live with me in peace and contentment with her children, and may I be at peace regarding her and all the others. And to my wife, a reproachful and scolder, may God forgive and soften and enlighten and reconcile her with me, and me with her. Today's experience has shown what an abusive wife can bring a husband to. I am hot and impetuous! Apparently, today I took communion unworthily, as if I were satiated from the evening. I repent. May the Lord forgive my wife or may he convict and punish her, as He Himself knows - I have already been punished for my lack of love. Nonne vera fit vox uxoris meae, quod poena mihi est adeo perturbation mea tempore sacrae actionis propter meam malitiam et imperiam domo?.. 90 I am quick to take action and quick to anger. Bad. Yaro called today, running away from the beggars, and because of this, a quarrel arose. Oh women! Women! How many temptations there are because of them! O passions, my passions! How much embarrassment you are causing! God of peace and love! Have mercy on Your servant! Judge me with my family. So they want to dominate the house in their own way. How many reproaches from his wife, how many threats in fits of rage! We must take precautions! Behold, Lord, I sincerely acknowledge my badness, my wretchedness and my lewdness, and I recognize myself alone as the culprit of all the temptations that happen to me in the Church and the disorder in the house! Have mercy on me and correct me! All my comrades and all my family are kind: I, I alone, am worse than everyone. I say this sincerely. I must live not the life of the old man, inherited from my forefathers, not in daily malice, envy, pride, greed, self-interest, gluttony, satiety, but the life of the new man, renewed in the image of the Creator, that is, in meekness, kindness, humility, abstinence, purity and chastity, non-covetousness, goodwill, simplicity, patience, obedience. That’s why I was baptized, that’s why I was anointed, that’s why Satan and all his works were denied, that’s why I was united with Christ, that’s why I’m renewed so often by the life-giving Mysteries! This is why I read the word of God! This is why I perform services to God in church and at home! Who should Christians know after the Lord and Savior? - The Most Holy Theotokos, our Queen and Lady and by grace our Mother, who loves us and constantly prays for us. I thank the Lord, who accepted my sincere prayer of repentance and asking for peace between me and my wife and other household, and who granted change and kindness to my wife and household. I thank my Lady Theotokos, my all-powerful, all-wise, all-good, most swift Intercessor, who interceded for us peace. I read the stichera and canon of the Tikhvin Mother of God and in church earnestly asked Her to do so. Glory to the Lord! Glory to the Mother of God! Only my prayer made this miracle happen. I am not put to shame in my trust in the Lord and the Mother of God. By the grace of God, he served the hours smartly and unfailingly, with reverence and tenderness. God forbid that I should continue to eat fish and especially drink sweet tea: from March 24 to 25, on the Annunciation, I had dreams almost all night, the erection of the reproductive member was all night, and the most annoying and restless ones; so that there would be no prodigal outpouring, I often woke up and marked my member with a cross, as if crucifying it on the cross. March 25. Five o'clock in the morning. Man is a free being, and all my household are free, of course; we must respect this gift of God in everyone and in them. Freedom is expressed in differences in characters, views, and actions. Saying the great prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian and not fulfilling it is hypocrisy. Because of trifles, I do not favor Anna K. and have hostility towards her - is this possible? How long will I irritate the kindness and long-suffering of God? I will love her sincerely, like a sister. Resurrection. What does it mean that today in a dream I saw many bishops and among them metropolitans who visited our cathedral, including His Eminence Isidore, and, moreover, treated me with extreme simplicity, so that I fell down to him in Persian and simply explained to him? humbly seated at the western wall of the church in a monastic doll. March 4, 1873. Anna Konstantinovna is helpful and attentive and persistent in her service. May the Lord have mercy on her. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform all church services with grace and without stumbling during the successive week, who forgave my great sins, destroyed my sorrows and burdens, and gave me His good yoke and light burden, especially in the communion of the Divine Mysteries. Spyasti (Church Glav.) – trample, overthrow, overthrow. Converting (Church Slavic) – turning over (from “transformation”), perverting the truth (cf. “perverted”). Osten (Church Slavic) – sting, butt; needle, nail. Borzo (Old Russian) – hastily, “Is not the voice of my wife true that my punishment and even embarrassment during my priestly service is because of my wickedness and my despotism in my house?..” (Latin). Philaret (Amphitheaters; 1779 – 1857), saint, metropolitan of Kiev. After receiving theological education, he successively held the position of inspector at Sevsk, Ufa and Tobolsk seminaries, St. Petersburg and Moscow Academies. In 1816 he was appointed rector of the Moscow Theological Academy; in 1819 he was consecrated Bishop of Kaluga. He occupied the Ryazan, Kazan, Yaroslavl departments; in 1837 he was appointed Metropolitan of Kyiv. Saint Philaret enjoyed universal respect for his truly Christian life. Author of many theological works. Memory December 21 (January 3). You might be interested in: