Февраль 1869 г.

I thank the Lord, who strengthened me without stumbling, cheerfully and boldly to perform two marriages in the cathedral and who protected me from the dirty tricks of the sexton Shakhmatov. However, for my sins I suffer dirty tricks from this sexton, who became a slave of Satan. I thank the Lord, for he gave me tears of compunction during the Sunday (Sunday of the Publican and the Pharisee) matins, and washed me from my sins, especially gluttony and satiety, with tears of repentance, and granted me to perform the liturgy with much power, as I asked the Lord. When you have mercy on the poor, keep in mind God’s eternal mercy towards you and your family. We are all by nature outside of grace, cursed as a result of the original sin of Adam, all under God's wrath and doomed to death, as the offspring of sin and the devil, as those who have fallen away from God - the source of life, holiness, strength, light; we are darkened, unclean, filthy, weak, dead; only the grace of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, regenerates us into children of God and gives us sanctification, enlightenment and strength to do good; only she spiritually regenerates and educates us. Without the grace of God, we are lost creatures, even if we had wonderful natural talents, nobility, family, wealth, all kinds of knowledge and even civic virtues and virtues. February 10. I thank You, Lord of all mercy, for You gave me tears of repentance and tenderness during the cathedral liturgy in the cemetery - a whole cloud of tears, and You washed me with this blessed bath, first in preparation for Communion, and then with the most life-giving Mysteries, and You filled me with peace, Your holiness, boldness, health, wisdom. Glory to the miracles of Your mercy, Your wisdom and Your omnipotence, for you are not overcome by our sins, even though they are like the sand of the sea, and more than the number of sand of the sea. But when will you dry up the source of sin in us, O Lord? When will this sinful bliss that stinks within us dry up? When will our heart be pure, new and our spirit new? How long will worldly passions last? How long will there be neglect of the high title and the Fatherland? How long is the anger? How long will pride and envy last? Laziness, absent-mindedness? Who will mourn enough for their sins and humanity, especially Christians, who must be a chosen race, a royal priesthood... human renewal [1 Pet. 2, 9], – and in fact they are not like that at all? Cry over the fact that we have corrupted and desecrated the image of God in ourselves, according to which we were created; that even after his redemption and restoration we fall away from the heights of redemption; that we are careless about the immortality of the soul, about its salvation; that we care about the mortal and earthly body, that we bind ourselves with worldly passions, that we carry in our hearts malice, pride, envy of brothers like ourselves; that out of greed for money we keep God’s gifts to ourselves and do not willingly share them with our neighbors, or we spend money on empty things, and spare money for what our neighbors need, and so on; that we live unrepentantly, that we make excuses for our sins, and so on. February 11. Tuesday. Early mass for Theodora Nazarov. The temptation is terrible. The devil shot arrows of kindled anger into my heart against sexton Shakhmatov, reminding me of his insolence towards me on Sunday, when I had to celebrate two weddings - one with my first marriage, and the other with my second marriage. Anger burned and oppressed me, and I could not resist it and barely begged the Lord before the Sacrament to take away the abuse from me. And I thought: if I, a priest, endowed with the grace of the priesthood, often partaking of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ and, therefore, having a strong weapon against the temptations of the enemy, am overcome by the enemy, abandoned by grace and bowed down from my pride and generally corrupted nature and the slander of the spirit of malice - then what can we say about the reader Nicholas, who partakes of the Holy Body once only once a year and the Blood of Christ and who does not have the abundance of grace that I was awarded, but who is subject, like me, to the struggle of passions and dark and crafty spirits? All his insolence to me is not his, but demonic. Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does, and may he not perish forever for the sake of his bad deeds; turn him, so that he may turn to You with all his heart in crying and in mourning and in fasting. Usually You, O All-Merciful One, listen to my prayers and fulfill them. Hear and fulfill this prayer of mine: for he too was created by You in Your image, and he is Your member, although it is painful. Enlighten him, Lord, strengthen him, Lord, in good wills. And teach me to be condescending to my neighbor, but not to indulge - let not Thy glory be in reproach, let not Thy law be ruined, and let not temptation come to Thy people from those who should be an example for Thy people. Amen. Strong in battle, O Lord, abundantly merciful, obedient and quick to obey, I thank Thee, for even on this day Thou hast surprised Thy mercy upon me, taught my hands to fight, my fingers to fight [Ps. 143, 1] with invisible, cunning, vigilant, simple in essence enemies and you slept 56 rising up against me under me and my enemies gave me ecu ridge [2 Sam. 22, 40, 41 ]; I thank you, for you have boldly granted me to perform the Divine Liturgy and to partake without condemnation of your Divine Mysteries, into the world of my spiritual strength. Instead of rivers of tears - rivers of grace... And the sting, the sting of earthly sweets, the sting of anger, pride? Oh, how many stings! It's a pity! – what kind of word is this? It indicates a sting. This is the sting that needs to be pulled out by the roots. From him is all the evil in the world. Oh, the sting of the earth, the sting of the flesh, the sting of the devil, the sting of death, the sting of the damned! God! When will we be wounded by love for You and for Your incorruptible blessings, prepared by You for those who love You? The name of the saint that a Christian bears is the name of faith and virtue, the name of a man who on earth was an angel in the flesh, was a burning and shining lamp, who burned with love for God and his neighbors. A Christian who bears this name must imitate the virtues of the saint who bore this name. Frequently looking at oneself in the mirror or looking at good faces makes a person vain, feminine, self-indulgent and seduced by the beauty of others - and does a lot of harm to the Christian disposition of the heart, because it chains the thoughts and heart to a transient, meaningless appearance and distracts the eye of the mind from the internal goodness or badness of a person. How often priests, preoccupied with their appearance, were ashamed of the devil during the priestly service, especially in the presence of rich and beautiful people, from the thought that their hands were not white, or their heads were not tidy, or their faces were not handsome, or their clothes were not entirely decent, and they omitted from attention what they were performing, what a Sacrament, what a remembrance. There is, apparently, nothing more innocent in the eyes of the world than to eat and drink well and with pleasure, but in the order of Christian life this is very harmful and is gluttony, and gluttony greatly harms the Christian way of thinking, the Christian feeling - subtle, holy, heavenly, chaste, and the Christian way of life, likens it to dumb animals, instead of the sorrow of the one who sees and philosophizes, it makes the world seer and oh earthly wise, comfortable with all passions, especially fornication. The Holy Scriptures everywhere condemn the passion for eating and drinking, calling it pagan: let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we will die! [Is. 22, 13 ]; Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will wear. Is not the life more than food, and the body than clothing?.. because the pagans seek all these things [Matt. 6, 25, 32 ]; just as it was in the days of Lot: they ate, they drank, they bought, they sold [glory: yadyakhu, piyahu, kupovahu, prodayahu]... [Lk. 17, 28], or in the days of Sodom: yadyahu, piyahu... You see that eating and drinking is a pagan way of life, deserving the righteous wrath of God. This is only a carnal life, but a person has a soul in the image of God, it has its own, spiritual, higher needs: the need for faith and love for God and the desire to manifest them by exact fulfillment of God’s commandments, self-sacrifice, vigil and prayer, contemplation of God, the mortification of sensuality that is always opposed to God, the desire for holiness in soul and body, non-covetousness, mercy, meekness and kindness, and others virtues. Fire, in moderation, within its limits, shines, heats, bakes and cooks food, melts metals or brings them into a dough-like state, and is generally a useful agent in nature; but beyond limits, immoderate – fire burns and destroys. So are all things in the world: water, food, drink, various pleasures: within the limits of moderation they are useful, but in excess they are extremely harmful. Every day I gravely sin against the most essential commandment of the Christian faith - to crucify my flesh with passions and lusts, every day I sin against the Cross, for every day I cherish my flesh, I please my belly, I sleep more than I should, I do not willingly deny myself for the sake of my neighbors. Strengthen yourself in the conviction that you receive everything from the generous God and have nothing of your own, and do not be upset when beggars ask you for alms, and very many of them, and when you have to give away much of what you have received. I received two great mercies from the Lord this day (February 15) through my prayer: peace, freedom and boldness after the storm, fire, cramped conditions that befell me after irritation and shouting at a beggar who asked me for more than what was given (after distributing a ruble in the vestibule of the church) - and freedom from the prodigal sting with which the enemy stung me in Yakovleva’s class. The only good Shepherd, the Lord, shepherds you, my brothers, internally, shepherds you with insights, admonitions, sorrows, joys, mercies, and punishments. Be attentive to His inner, mysterious grazing, all-good, all-wise. We, the shepherds invested with His dignity and authority, also shepherd, shepherd you in the pasture of the Lord - the Gospel, preaching to you the word of the Gospel, and you must listen to us, for listen to us, He listens, and sweep away us, He is swept away [Lk. 10, 16]. We must feed with wisdom, meekness, humility, and long-suffering. Forgive, receiving the Divine, Holy, Most Pure, Immortal, Heavenly and Life-Giving, Terrible Mysteries of Christ... Here forgive means: in the simplicity of the heart, which means that in other cases the same thing means, and not that “standing up straight”: this goes without saying. If you happen to get irritated, you must immediately repent so that the fire of hell does not penetrate your soul and body and begin to smolder both. Here, faith and ardent, deep prayer of repentance saves a person from the spill of Gehenna fire and all its harmful consequences and returns him peace and tranquility. He is not meek who never gets irritated, but who, being irritated internally, restrains his anger and does not pour it out on others, or who, having become irritated through weakness, immediately repents and asks for forgiveness from the offended. Not being irritated does not mean not being angry at all. There is a place for just anger... Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart [Matt. 11, 29]. Meekness and humility are inseparable. Meekness comes from humility. What empty things make us irritated, angry, angry, sometimes because of one word, sometimes because of a sweet piece or for a few kopecks! What is better: peace of mind or an empty thing? To endure the word or to rage wordlessly? How many lessons, how much edification every weekday, every Sunday, every holiday - for every saint of the day teaches us some virtue by his example, every Sunday and holiday gives edification - and we are still left without correction, filled with passions! Why? From inattention. I thank the Lord for the miracles of salvation shown today (February 17) on me, the accursed, during mass, in the classroom and at home, after being wounded by anger towards the poor. Try to teach with firmness and clarity to schoolchildren what should accompany them all their lives, namely: morning and evening prayers, divine services, historical lessons, catechetical lessons - let the valor of the people of Old Testament history, the most holy image of Jesus Christ, the valor and exploits of the holy apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all saints be imprinted in their hearts. More often turn their thoughts to the moralizing side of the subject. Combine their knowledge. Sweets greatly suppress our hearts. We must beware of them immediately. How we, earth-loving ones, dare to stand before the throne of the Lord of glory and perform angelic service and eat the Body and Blood of the Divine Lamb! At Matins the coming of the Son of God to earth is celebrated! Give students tasks, for example, fifth grade: composition of Matins; vespers; liturgy; Presanctified Mass; Lenten hours; Vespers simple and Lenten. If a guilty child screams for mercy for a long time and loudly, then involuntarily the father and mother will have mercy on him. Isn't it more the Lord? (From here - Lord, have mercy forty times or more.) Pray and do not lose heart [Lk. 18, 1], and: ask... seek... knock... [Matt. 7, 7; OK. 11, 9]. Love every virtue sincerely; sincerely hate evil; hence - sincerely repent and pray. Now the passion for food, now the passion for someone’s flesh, now for money, now for luxury and splendor, now for honor excites the enemy, now with fears and ghosts it shakes the soul, now with false shame, now with malice, now with envy, now with laziness, now with all three. The devil turns pleasures and satiety into a sting, sharpens his sting on us through them, addicting us to the world and temporary life; the grace of God leaves those who are full. If almsgiving is sowing, then this should be done willingly, humbly, with joy and a generous hand. February 19. Morning. I glorify and extol the all-merciful intercession of my Most Pure Lady Queen Theotokos, when I appealed to Her with my heart at the beginning of the liturgy and then on February 18 (elections) to restore me in love for my brother, from which I fell away due to envy of his wealth and from indignation at the failure to give to the poor, being myself voluptuous, and angry, and unclean, and so on. Doctor, heal yourself first, and leave others to judge by God. This is our inexhaustible, imperishable wealth - the Christian faith! Try to multiply this wealth in yourself and in others! But earthly wealth perishes, and the covetous perishes. How? - Call yourself a shepherd, bear only the name of a shepherd and do not herd sheep! Fairly: we have been entrusted with the economy of the salvation of souls, redeemed by the priceless blood of the Son of God - and we will neglect it, we will feed only ourselves in earthly, green pastures, while others will be completely without food and drink - both spiritual and physical, even if they walk naked. And how easy it is for a shepherd to slumber in the presence of wealth and honors and to place his shepherding only in the shepherding of his wallet and flesh and in the acquisition of crosses and, perhaps, houses and valuable clothes and in magnification before his poor sheep! Feel free to look at the rich and noble and powerful of this world with a pastoral gaze, for they are worthy of all reproof, as vain, arrogant, fussy, moving away from the Church, despising the hierarchy and everything churchly and honoring only their wealth, their family, their title, their ranks. Miracle of healing from the Holy Mysteries and prayers of one family woman in High Street behind the shooting range. For a month and a half she was very ill with a fever: the fever was forty degrees for a week; it was smoldering alive, and already smelled of carrion; but after communion the same One day the fever became less, I had an appetite, I started eating - and within a week I was completely better. Glory to the life-giving Mysteries! February 19th, 1869 February 20. In the gymnasium I saw the works of the wisdom and omnipotence of God in a small world, inaccessible to the [...] simple eye: I saw creatures found in a drop of water, in vinegar, in cheese; I saw [crystallization] of salt and iron soda. Today (February 19) at Matins, with God’s help, I read the Gospel well and spoke without hindrance the word testify, in which the enemy had begged me before. Glory to the Lord! Why are you afraid of the Metropolitan? Do not be afraid when doing good, but fear when doing evil. Do you want to not be afraid of power? Do good, and you will receive praise from her [Rom. 13, 3]. Don’t be afraid of headphones, like you think the fathers of Archpriests Paul and Matthew are: God will bind their tongue. Report on Shakhmatov dated February 18, No. 12. I thank the Lord, who granted me His help to calmly stand at the great entrance and pronounce the names of the reigning house. But it was my own fault that for a moment I threw my spiritual leg into confusion and hesitated to pronounce firmly the Grand Duchess Ekaterina Mikhailovna and made a disorderly movement with my head, for which the enemy entered into me and for a long, long time tormented me, tormented me, oppressed me, embarrassed me - before communion, and during communion, and after communion for some time; and then, as a result of the intense prayer of faith, he was torn from the heart like scales. I read the prayer behind the pulpit boldly and loudly. At the prayer service he stood majestically and calmly. This is what Christianity consists of: to deny oneself every day, so as not to have an addiction to wealth, sweets and anything earthly, in order to live for God and one’s neighbors. Our old man and the culprit of his old age, the devil, fight against this every day. Father Alexander Lebedev spoke on February 19, the day of the Sovereign’s accession to the Russian throne. From the text: let us understand each other in encouraging love and good deeds [Russian: Let us be attentive to each other, encouraging love and good deeds], Heb. 10, 24. He said that the king, with his accession to the throne, took upon himself a burden: 1) the burden of great worries, 2) the burden of great sorrows and 3) great responsibility. These three terms are developed. Then he moves on to: oh, if only we could somehow help alleviate this! Our Church teaches the means for this. These are: 1) prayer for the king: if the prayer of one righteous man can do much [Jas. 5, 16], how much more so is the prayer of the faithful people; 2) life of subjects in mutual love and doing good deeds. Then he dwells on the way of expression: yes, we mean... in encouraging love and good deeds, and spoke about Christian acquaintance that it should have the goal of encouraging each other to good deeds. A harmonious sermon! February 20. Forgive me, Lord, that I despised Your army - Your beggars - in the vestibule of the church and walked past them home, without giving them alms according to their abundance, although I had money in my pocket, and when some of them caught up with me at the gate of the house, I was upset with them and said angrily: “Where can I give you all! there’s a whole regiment of you, a whole army!” Truly a regiment - but Your regiment, Lord; army - but your army, only unarmed! God! Everything that I have is Your gift: I have received everything from You - why do I hesitate to give to Tuna, why do I sometimes restrain myself from willingly giving alms, seeing a lot of poverty? Are You not able to make all grace abound in my house? Give me back a hundredfold? Where is my faith? Where is the hope? Where is the love for one's neighbor? Have I forgotten the five loaves and two fish with which You miraculously fed five thousand people [Matt. 14, 15 – 21, etc.]? And how many leftovers were there? Or seven loaves and several fish [Matt. 15, 32 – 38 ]? Do rich shepherds and flock embarrass me with their love of money, their stinginess, their hardness of heart, their intractability? But they will be judged for this God without mercy - both now and there [James. 2, 13]. And you should rely on the poor for your wealth, remembering the words of the Lord in Gospel 57 and having them as a guarantee that the Lord will not abandon You and will have mercy at the Last Judgment. If the Lord is pleased, He will extract His gifts from the rich, and willy-nilly they will give their brethren their due to the poor. I sinned before God that today, during the liturgy at the great entrance, I was ashamed and afraid of two persons - the customs manager [Vsevolzhsky] and the officer [Rykachev], editor of the Kronstadt Bulletin, and did not reprimand the persons of the royal house, as if fearing that someone would hit him with a stick for this. Why do I stare at faces? Why do I rank the commoner and the master differently? Well, why was I angry at the beggars and why was I in a hurry to go home? Is it for eating and drinking and sitting idle? Oh, cruel lord - the womb! After all, he himself does not need food, but strives greedily for food, and a person, having grabbed food and drink, burdens himself and becomes incapable of mental pursuits. Oh, how good it is not to work for the belly and to work unceasingly for God and neighbor! The fruit is gathered into the eternal belly, the incorruptible Kingdom is purchased with perishable goods! Oh, blessed purchase! Try to pronounce every word from the heart, sincerely, in public and home prayer - and you will not stumble; Stumbling occurs from frivolity, doubt, and fear of demons. But the Lord is my enlightenment and my Savior, whom will I fear? [Ps. 26, 1]. I thank the Lord, who received me, who came to Him for forgiveness of my irritability during Matins, which was because of an empty thing - because of a thin memorial piece of paper given by a soldier, which, due to its thinness, I could not quickly open. Again I became angry with the beggars who were chasing me, and I shouted at some of them, even though I gave them. You are a darkness, I said with anger, but I forgot that my sins are also a darkness, or innumerable, and that for them I must satisfy myself to the best of my ability, expecting pardon from justifying grace. Teach me by Thy justification [Ps. 118, 12] - that is, Your statutes. The grace of Christ's justification, given to those who believe and do good. In the church - sobriety of the soul from worldly vanity; the church is the earthly sky. The Apostle Paul shook the snake from his hand and suffered nothing from it [Acts. 28:5]: this means that he had nothing to do with sin when he was called to the apostleship. During Lent one should avoid sweets, for sweets excite unclean thoughts and produce unclean movements in the heart. It is better to endure the wounding of the flesh or to depress it through vigil, contemplation of God, prayer, and reading. Is this, crazy, the goal of your life, to fill your mouth and belly with food at the right time and at the wrong time, and your hands and pockets with money, in order to please your nasty flesh, and not your neighbor and especially the beggars, supplying them with the necessary food and clothing. And even though you are in pain, even though you are furious like an animal from satiety, you still won’t come to the senses of leaving delicacy and gluttony and willingly giving the excess to those in need. And you are also a communicant of the Divine Mysteries: you have the Divine Flesh as food and the Blood shed for the life of the world as drink; still incessantly you almost stand before the throne of Him who exhausted Himself out of love for humanity. What answer will you give at the Last Judgment? Why didn’t you give the beggar room for the night yesterday when he plaintively asked for you? In the dark, we sometimes pour out our anger on the defenseless - but don’t the eyes of the Lord see in a dark place? Oh, how sin darkens us, that we forget about God’s omnipresence and omniscience! How little our body needs and how much we want! Another robs the poor of his last property in order to increase his property. How good it is to place hope in You alone, Lord, and not worry about this multi-passionate and multi-desiring flesh! Another, like a mole in a hole, has brought into his house all theft, all property from his neighbors, or, like in the house of a robber, there is a lot of all property stolen from his neighbors, and he does not share it with anyone - it all lies in his storerooms without moving. Love, servant of God, to accept requests from the poor in every place and extend a helping hand to them - so that the Lord will listen to you in every place, and will be merciful to you in every place. Do not be upset by the multitude of those who demand and demand everywhere. After all, you ask the Lord for everything and everywhere and you receive what you ask for! Meekness and gentleness are primarily Christian virtues; The Lord Himself is called in many places of Scripture the Lamb and those who believe in Him are called sheep because of their meekness. Vigilant goats are not followers of Christ. Forgive - in simplicity of heart, without guile. Hearing that on Monday there would be an early mass from the merchant Provorov, I rejoiced, thanked the Lord and said: I thank You, Lord, for you have again condemned my unworthiness to Your marriage of the Lamb and to Your Last Supper. Grant me the dignity of presenting myself before Your throne and performing a bloodless sacred rite. God! How I will praise You, how I will glorify You for Your powers, for the miracles of healing from Your Holy Mysteries, revealed to me and to many of Your people, which I, unworthy, taught after the Sacrament of Repentance - these Holy, heavenly, life-giving Mysteries of Yours! Here they confess before me Your power, Your goodness, they say publicly that You stretched out Your miraculous hand on them and raised them from their sick bed, from their death bed, when no one expected that they would be alive, and after communion of Your Body and Blood, Life-Giver, they soon came to life, were healed, and at the same hour and day they felt the life-giving right hand on them Yours. But I, Lord, an eyewitness of Your works, have not yet glorified You publicly, to confirm the faith of Your people, and I do not know how and when to glorify You, for every day I am busy with some kind of deeds. You create it yourself Your name, Lord, as you have created; You yourself glorify Your name, Your Mysteries. I thank the Lord for the heavenly peace He gave to me, unworthy, after communion of His Divine Mysteries on February 24, when I served the early liturgy for the health of the merchant Provorov in the Assumption Church. I also thank you for the important victory over sin, which tormented me and incited me with hellish ferocity. I deserve to suffer for satiety. How has the Lord not yet rejected me like Esau? The Lord oppresses our spirit, may he give true space to the heart; sends sorrow among joys, and grants true, eternal joy; deprives one of temporary property, so that he may give something that lasts and is eternal; exposes to dishonor, so that he may be worthy of the eternal honor of the heavenly calling of God - and does everything with the goal of expelling the sin that nests in the heart, to heal spiritual ulcers. By the flame of passions that arises in the soul, one must judge the fierce, terrible and close flame of hell, which causes sinners to cry and gnashing of teeth. February 26, 1869. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy during the Divine Liturgy (Wednesday of Cheese Week, the birthday of the heir to the throne) by sending peace from above to my troubled heart from the lunar disorder in my lower garment. I was in peace throughout the entire liturgy after Cherubim, especially after communion, and at the prayer service as well. (After mass, he was invited to the Committee to supply the poor with clothing and was there for a snack; he drank a glass of vodka, a glass and a half of beer; then he went to Kozma Mikhailov - he drank a glass of port wine and a glass of honey; he came home about two o’clock: he ate pancakes, cold fish.) From the all-good and generously gifted God one can receive through the prayer of faith all spiritual and necessary material benefits, if only the desire for these benefits is sincere and the prayer is fervent. And what prayers the Church puts into our mouths! Such that you can comfortably bend them down Lord for every kindness towards us, for every good gift. The enemy, knowing the goodness of God and the power of prayers, tries in every possible way to turn us away from prayer or during prayer to scatter our minds, to trip us up with various passions and worldly addictions or haste, confusion, and so on. That is, further and further. You slept (Church Glav.) - you conquered, threw to the ground. If you want to be perfect, go, sell your property and give it to the poor; and you will have treasure in heaven (Matthew 19:21). See also: Mk. 10, 21; OK. 18.22. You might be interested in: