Раздел 2

March 15. Yesterday, Friday of the Third Week of Lent, I confessed to eighty-two people. He confessed calmly, easily, spoke sensibly, especially with Burachki; I prayed for many, especially fornicators and harlots, adulterers and adulteresses, with feeling and tears before the icons of the Savior and His Most Pure Mother. This grace was given to me from the Lord for a small abstinence: I ate only boiled cabbage and did not eat fish. Thank the Lord! One person, a woman, confessed with tears that she was tormented by an evil spirit, inciting her to kill her relatives. And he prayed earnestly to the Lord for her. May the Lord deliver her from the devil’s obsession. This is the agent that causes frequent suicides! Holy Faith, save us! God! Give us faith. God! Grant me to be jealous about fasting. Grant me that I may eat only cabbage or bread and water after many days. Grow my spiritual gifts. March 15. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the grace of tearful tenderness during the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church. Glory to the omnipresent and everywhere-breathing Holy Spirit (John 3:8). Glory to the all-good and all-powerful Teacher of Christian souls! Glory to the Lord Jesus Christ and in Him to God and the Father and to the Holy Church with its marvelous worship! How it revives, cleanses, sanctifies, renews, strengthens, touches, consoles. A heavy drink - Bavarian beer: last night after drinking beer, I felt extremely heavy and inclined to sleep; I went for a walk in the air, then began to pray, read the akathist with the canon to the Lord Jesus Christ, and barely read it, and the akathist to the Mother of God and the canon to the holy Guardian Angel could not read at all. March 16. Resurrection. Service in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of repentance and tenderness during the reading of the lofty, wonderful prayers of St. Basil the Great and in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, who granted me resurrection and life from the dead. I thank the Lord, who drove away demonic fears from me during the funeral service for the servant of God Roman in the Hospital Church and gave me the grace to freely speak exclamations, read the Gospel, the prayer of permission and dismissal. But on the two lithiums along the way I hid the words of dismissals and exclamations, to my shame and distress. Only through repentance did he regain peace, boldness and freedom. Everywhere in prayer, the enemy cruelly persecutes me for my intemperance and worldly addictions. Yesterday in vain I ate pie and pretzels from Moscow cookies at home: it was unnecessary and burdensome for the stomach. At the baptism of E... Vasily Pavlovich, he fell into the spirit of slyness and covetousness at the sight of a good scarf and became embarrassed, as another was embarrassed at the sight of a pleasant face, because he was developing sinful lust. Every worldly addiction corrupts the soul, confuses, binds, constrains, deprives one of freedom, darkens, deprives the mind of correct thinking, mortifies the heart, cools it. There are sins, the idea of ​​which, and especially the execution, is sweet, but they extremely upset the soul and body, weaken, kill, bind, such as: delicacy, sweet drinks or drinking hot drinks, voluptuousness or fornication. An example of their destruction is those who have experienced these sweets or been subjected to these destructive habits and passions, and myself. March 18. Do you believe that by giving alms to the poor, you are giving to the members of Christ (if they are Christians) and you will receive reward for that from the bounty of Christ God Himself, who promised to reward for a cup of simple water (Matthew 10:42)? Aren't you upset, don't you grumble at the poor, because so many often ask you for mercy for Christ's sake? Aren't you angry, aren't you scolding? Don't you hurt in word and deed? Is it possible to be upset where you are dealing with Christ God Himself, the righteous and all-generous and eternal rewarder, who has rewarded you immeasurably and has also promised to be generous without end? March 19. May the king himself, all the nobles, ministers, all authorities, ranks of various departments, every class, every gender and age, everything great, brilliant, reasonable, everything abounding in the gifts of God, humble himself before God when he stands before Him in prayer, as well as the clergyman himself, performing prayers, thanksgivings, petitions - he should not think about any greatness or nobility, wealth, rank, power or human splendor, like smoke disappearing, but to be calm, majestic, seeing grief, with a sincere reverent feeling to do your work. Amen. Look at the faces of all people in the simplicity of your heart, as created in the image and likeness of God, as equal to you, and do not humiliate yourself by subservience to them or fear of them. Forget your insignificant origin, the sins of your youth, and during your service be humble, majestic, and sincere. It is bad that I serve the Lord intermittently and not constantly; I take turns for a week, and then I remain without service for almost two weeks: this makes me weak in spirit, I fall into intemperance (which also makes me weak in spirit), laziness, the grace of God in me, this source of living water, becomes impoverished. Oh, to constantly work for the Lord! Yesterday’s black beer (I drank half a bottle) caused pain in my lower back last night; it didn’t let me sleep since four o’clock in the morning; I was tossing and turning from side to side. In vain, after the mushroom and rice pie, I ate potato cutlets at home. We had to limit ourselves to two pieces of pie from the birthday girl Daria (daughter of Anna Gerasimova). Mistakes and mistakes. I glorify the wonderful, living, all-saving, glorious name of my Lord Jesus Christ, which constantly saves me when I call on it. Yesterday, in the gymnasium between classes, He, my Lord, miraculously, graciously, quickly interceded and saved me. God! May I never be put to shame by Your name. March 20. Thursday of the Fourth Week of Lent (Worship of the Cross). Take care of the face of your soul, so that it is not disfigured by any sin. St. Theognostus’ saying: “Consider it a loss not to deprive yourself of sensual pleasures, but to fall away from the best through tasting them.” His: “If you live passionately for the flesh and the world, then you are preparing yourself after death for eternal torment, unless before your death you voluntarily stop performing the Bloodless Sacrifice. Who does not know that many of those who unworthily performed the priesthood were taken away from here by sudden death and sent straight to the torment there. One priest and at the same time a monk, famous for his piety and outwardly revered by many as venerable, but inside he was secretly voluptuous and defiled, when, while performing the Divine and Sacred Liturgy, he came to the Cherubic Song and, bowing his neck as usual before the holy meal, began: No one is worthy... suddenly found himself dead, because his soul left him in this position" 65. March 20. The Lord inspired me today to give a thorough speech to Mr. Tsvetkov that the Divine Body and Blood, which we have accepted inside as supernatural Mysteries, do not undergo internal corruption and eruption along with other food, but are transformed into our body and blood or, like some spiritual vapor, disperse throughout our entire body; The Mystery is supernatural, its effect on us is supernatural - their very presence in our body is miraculous. I thank the Lord, who renewed His mercy in me by quickly and effectively saving me from the sin I had committed - anger at the poor and neglect of them. He repented and received mercy, peace, space, freedom, and boldness. I thank the Lord, who created in me a great miracle of His power and mercy and a wondrous victory against the invisible enemies who trampled my mental and heartfelt steps during my communion and the laity’s most pure and life-giving Mysteries of the Lord. The devil created in me extreme hostility towards the sexton Zrelov for his disobedience and lack of skill in singing, according to my remark. I repented of my hostility, convinced myself that I loved him as my own member of Christ, to be meek, gentle, long-suffering towards him, just as the Lord is long-suffering towards me, a great sinner; I convinced myself that he, the sexton, did not deserve anything that deserved my anger or my malice, which in no case should have a place, - and the enemy kept tormenting me and inciting me to hostility. Finally, the Lord Himself, seeing my tearful prayer, drove it away from me, and I felt peaceful and at ease, and I sang, walking along the road to the sick man, the glory of my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, and His Most Pure Mother. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering service of the liturgy (only at the great entrance I was embarrassed). Happening. One retired soldier hanged himself because, when he came to a drinking house, he gave a 25-ruble note instead of a ruble when buying vodka, and the prisoner gave him the ruble, taking 24 rubles for himself. The poor man had two sons (one mute) and one mute daughter. The caretaker himself went bankrupt later. I thank the Lord for his great mercy, tearful tenderness and high prayer. While on leave, I was afraid and hesitated to say the names of the holy chief apostles Peter and Paul and the following saints, and as a result my heart was terribly wounded. Christ, true Light... I didn’t read everything. At home, the Lord had mercy. I thank the Lord for everything, and for the sorrows. I thank the Lord, who delivers me from spiritual death, who repeatedly performs the miracle of resurrection in me and makes me alive by His grace. What shall I repay the Lord for this? I’m perplexed: the good deed is great without measure. Through the liturgy today the Lord healed me from a cold and weakness. I praise Him. The enemy does not allow the saints to be commemorated on vacation, the royal family and the Holy Synod. May Belial be cursed 66 and again and again. But may the Lord be magnified and glorified. During the all-night vigil, the Holy Spirit bestowed high thoughts about the great dignity of man, given to him from God in creation and redemption, in his deification (people born of water and the Spirit are the children of God, members of Christ, temples of the Holy Spirit, the field of God, the branches of the vine of Christ) and about our ingratitude, our insensitivity, disfigurement by vices and passions (today one peasant repented of desecrating oneself with various animals: a horse, a cow, a sheep, a pig; I haven’t had a confession for eight years. What darkness of ignorance! How harmful it is not to go to church, not to go to confession). He prayed that the Lord would grant everyone the opportunity to repent, correct themselves, and be worthy to partake of His grace and eternal life. The desire for earthly rewards and distinctions is a sin, because it feeds vanity, especially the desire for rewards for teaching the Law of God: here, firstly, the salary is good, and secondly, the reward is not from man, but from God, according to the Apostle. The Lord says: My reward is with Me (Rev. 22:12). Glory is received from man, and glory that is not from God alone is sought, says the Lord (John 5:44). You see, glory comes from God alone—the world has sacrilegiously appropriated the glory for itself and is distributing it. The single desire for earthly glory wounds the soul and separates it from God, for it commits adultery with the world and its blessings, as with idols. Away with all conceit, all ambition, lust, carnality - be entirely in God and do everything for the glory of God and you will be invincible from enemies visible and invisible. March 23. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to celebrate the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great with some tenderness and to deliver a sermon; I thank you for the communion of the life-giving Mysteries, which have revived me. Yesterday's lingonberry jam upset my stomach and nerves: I couldn't pronounce the royal name, I crushed everything out of embarrassment and inner powerlessness. The enemy came and relaxed. God! You yourself tell my sexton and his wife to continue going to theater entertainment during Lent. I noticed to them, they say: God will forgive. What should I do with him, this reader, Lord? But grant, Lord, that I may see my sins and not condemn my brother and his wife. They are young. Turn our hearts to You, Lord! God! Teach me and help me to treat my subordinates with meekness, love, condescension, and patience! I am the chief of sinners, have mercy on me. Sexton Zrelov is respectful, efficient, reads well, is sober - I am pleased with him. And the invisible enemy strongly arms me against him. March 24. I thank the Lord, who showed me His Divine help against the invisible enemies who fiercely fought and poisoned me during Matins, confusing and beating me. The net is broken, and I am delivered (Ps. 123:7). I thank the Lady Theotokos, my Intercessor. I marvel at the impudence and demonic malice that I experienced during the Annunciation Vigil. First of all, the crafty demon confused me about the meeting with the sexton Zrelov and his wife: here the sexton’s physiognomy seemed to me too independent and proud. But what if it were so! Can I remake everyone in the way I want? If I cannot remake myself according to the Gospel and as my conscience dictates, then how can I demand this from another? However, in the church the sexton immediately made up for his somewhat arrogant attitude by showing courtesy in the presentation of vestments. Then I was very embarrassed by another, albeit unimportant, act of the sexton: having gone out to the litany with a candlestick and setting it down, he went to the altar without bowing to the priest. Again, I took this as a sign of pride, although I later learned that he did it out of oblivion. Still, I could not calmly read the morning prayers from the Service Book. Then, during the censing at Praise, I was confused by the strange physiognomy of one woman, Pavlova, my former student, and again the enemy greatly confused and wounded me: barely a prayer of repentance calmed me down. Throughout the all-night vigil I was very anxious, fearful, a spirit of fear and dumbness attacked me - a serious condition! And all this, I recognize and am sure, is the dirty tricks of Satan’s angels, their ghosts, ghosts, insurances; He instills in me anger, fear, and despondency. he crushes me. And yesterday, as always, all the slander of the devil against my brethren turned out to be a dream. The evil one armed me countlessly against past and present sextons and against deacons during divine services, confused, oppressed, darkened, scorched, shamed me - and all was his slander. The service ends - and it’s as if nothing had happened: before, the wrong one becomes just like the right one and even brings about oblivion about real errors, but where peace and oblivion of all sorts of extraneous errors are needed, there he exposes them to sight, magnifies them a hundred times and confuses them. Grant, Lord, patience, generosity and meekness to me, Your servant. Deliver us from the wiles of the onion! March 25. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to do good, without stumbling, except for listing the names of the royal family and the title of metropolitan and the words: grant them to your holy Churches... I received life-giving communion, but then the demon of malice almost consumed me with anger at the sexton Zrelov... Only the Lord delivered through intense prayer. I thank the Lord for teaching me: I took it into my head, sat down, and wrote it. God bless! And the word is good. Oh, if only I could gain favor with God and His grace! For this is most of all, this is everything for every person. Oh, if only I would never bring into the church of my soul and body alien fire (passions): anger, malice, envy, pride, fornication, etc.! Oh, to love everyone with the love of Christ, and Christ our Lord with fiery, unchanging love! Grant, Lord! Every perfect gift comes from You (James 1:17). March 26. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Matins in the sweetness and especially to read the canon from the Triodion and Menaion of the Mother of God and the Archangel Gabriel, their wondrous conversation. I spoke the Great Litany with large gaps from embarrassment at the thought that I had upset Father Archpriest with my writing in his book. There is no need to eat in the evening, no need, no need. Today's experience assures us of this, and so did previous experiences. During the Fourth Week of Lent, I had two hundred and thirty confessors on Friday. Confession began at two o'clock and continued until nine and a half o'clock in the evening. When I do not pronounce the names of the royal family during the service, the sedition of the serpent, the devil, is revealed in me. We must resist it with all our might. God! Help! How dangerous you are walking! I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of repentance and contrition for my sins and with them life from the dead, peace, freedom of spirit. He left home from a beggar, but he needed to get alms. Sinner, sinner! Are you sincerely repenting? Are you well aware of the infinite importance of the work of your salvation and all the horror of eternal destruction awaiting unrepentant sinners? Do you feel in your heart the whole truth of these words of the Savior: For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his soul for My sake and the Gospel will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? Or what ransom will a man give for his soul? (Mk. 8, 35 – 37)? And yet you do this by greedily collecting property, especially money, and indulging in hardness of heart and unmercifulness, stinginess in relation to the poor or intemperance, gluttony, delicacy, ambition - in general, living in the world and not in God, in the flesh and not in the spirit! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace and strength to perform today (Thursday of the Fifth Week of Lent, March 27) Matins with the Great Canon of St. Andrew of Crete and the Presanctified Liturgy. I thank the Lord, who made me joyful beyond words, like a baby in the arms of a mother, by the communion of His most pure, immortal, life-giving and terrible Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood. I thank the Lord, who took away the cramped conditions in the gymnasium from my heart, when I felt in my heart hostility towards the director for treating me with a reward for a long time. I repented of this feeling and considered this reward to be empty vanity. I thank the Lord, who again took away the tightness of my heart during Compline in church, when I noticed sexton Zrelov, sitting in the altar, that he was soon getting tired. I repented of this too, prayed to the Lord to have mercy, to heal, to change my hostility to love - and it became so, and I calmed down, and my heart became wide. Again, after Compline, when my heart became tight from not expressing forgiveness before the laity, I turned to the Lord with repentance and, leaving the altar, looked at His face, introduced Him mentally into my heart, put on Him as in a robe of righteousness, and suddenly felt peace and freedom. Glory to the Lord for all this! The Lord does not leave me, a sinner, but constantly visits me with mercy and salvation. Yesterday I again fell into gluttony and delicacy, having eaten black caviar with black bread, and that is why today the flesh is raging with rage, fornication, confused, faint-hearted, numb in the service of God (especially in praising the Mother of God). And yesterday the stinking winds were from the caviar, as if from carrion! This does not happen with plant foods. Today I sinned before God and before the brethren - I gave Father Deacon Peter a reason for enmity against me, I embarrassed him, myself and the brethren by noticing that he had been sleeping for a long time and did not come on time to the service (he came to Matins after the Great Litany). But I thank the Lord, who has given us peace again (I attracted him to peace by the grace of God, having previously prayed to the Lord that He Himself would arrange this important matter, for without Him we cannot do anything good (John 15:5)). The spirit breathes where it wants (John 3:8). Where is he breathing? In the Church of Christ, in the Holy Gospel, in the writings of the Holy Fathers, in life, in their prayers, in like-minded church meetings, in the souls of true believers and praying, in every God-fearing, pious Christian soul. The exclamations in church services are remarkable: we glorify the Holy Trinity now and ever and unto the ages of ages, with them we begin eternal praise - oh joy! Wake up, wake up! In the beauty of the image of God - man, one sees a shade of incomparable, indescribable, incorruptible, eternal beauty - God's. Grant us, Lord, to behold the indescribable kindness of Your face, Lord! Look, man, at the beauty of creation with pure eyes, as an image of infinite beauty, and remember that this beauty is imparted to the body by the soul - in the image of God, and the body - by the earth. Oh, if the beauties and those chasing them always remembered this! I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate late mass and commune Your people with Your life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the litia without stumbling, loudly, clearly, separately, on the mountain in Rusanov’s house at the innkeeper Pyotr Andreev’s. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the All-Night Vigil without stumbling, clearly, separately, loudly, and to pronounce the prayer to Christ, the True Light clearly in its entirety and to say the final release without mincing my words. I thank the Lord, who forgave me the sin of upseting my family for knocking off the hangers in the bedroom and the sin of disturbing my sleepy family. The sin of willfulness, impatience, and inappropriate persistence. Give understanding, O Lord, to my wife and children, my servant, so that they do not misbehave with me. What love, what respect God has for His image - man from beginning to end! Delve into God's providence from beginning to end! So much love, parenting, tenderness, constancy! Wisdom, omnipotence! Remember the revelations to the patriarchs, the guidebook of Moses, Joshua, the succession of judges and kings, the words of the prophets, the entire New Testament history, the history of the Church! Remember the Sacraments, the grace and power of each of them, the majestic images of worship, visually conveying the main moments of sacred and church history and cultivating in Christians faith, hope and love, the spirit of holiness, truth, purity, abstinence. What fatherly care and love is in all this! God! I want to truly love both my sister-in-law Anna and my wife: grant me to always love them with all my heart, even if they cause me offense and make many mistakes, as they do, especially my wife; love is known in opposites, or, more precisely, in opposite, unfavorable circumstances for our pride, when we are offended, do dirty tricks to us, for love is long-suffering, merciful, does not boast, is not proud, does not riot, does not think evil, is not irritated, endures everything, covers everything, love never falls away (1 Cor. 13: 4 - 5) (as we often fall away from love, we cease to love, and love is replaced by coldness, hostility, ill will, enmity, malice and gloating). Everything worldly, all everyday interests, malfunctions, insults, losses are insignificant in comparison with the spiritual world, with the human soul, which in the image of God is reasonable, free, immortal. Grant, Lord, the Divine grace to love everyone, both those who love and those who hate. I thank the Lord, who brought about reconciliation between me and Deacon Peter Alexandrovich, to whom I indignantly remarked that he slept through part of Matins, arriving late, and he was offended and began to grumble greatly, so that the archpriest stood up for me, saying that I had rightly remarked. King of the world! Glory to You! I thank the bright Mother, the Church of Christ, for establishing a peaceful, loving relationship between the priest and the deacon during the service, for her pure, heavenly, holy view of both, especially for the hierarchical subordination of the deacon to the priest as the ruler, father, shepherd, builder of the Mysteries of Christ. Glory to the power of the honest and life-giving Cross! Today, when I woke up in the morning, I felt melancholy in my chest - I crossed my chest with faith - and the melancholy disappeared. Invincible, incomprehensible, Divine power of the honorable and life-giving Cross, do not forsake us sinners! 68 The spirit of hostility and blasphemy is reflected both in direct blasphemy against God, the Mother of God and the saints, and in the obstacles during worship to pronounce praises to God and the Mother of God, some words and expressions of prayers, the names of saints, the names of royalty, high spiritual authorities. Obviously, we must resist him with all our might and reprimand him as necessary. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to boldly speak the words yesterday at the all-night vigil: By the mercy and generosity and love of Thy Only Begotten Son... Christian faith, hope and love are achieved by fasting, praying and striving. Cleanse and drain your soul with fasting. Yesterday I repented of intemperance and gluttony, and yesterday evening I was fed up again. What treachery is this on my part? How long should I live like a pagan? Yesterday I ate fish in the evening, buckwheat porridge, and drank sweet tea. The Tsar's confessor, Vasily Borisovich Bazhenov, I think, has a lot of influence on the Tsar in his beneficent reforms. The Emperor and Empress are very kind and merciful: how touchingly they received the deputation from the Greek Uniates of the 69 Sedlce province, especially the Kholm diocese. Eternal salvation for them! March 31st. I attended a spiritual musical evening in the hall of the Naval Assembly. Here was the color of the Kronstadt public and the Kronstadt girls. They sang very well, especially Ziguri. But the hall was smoky with tobacco, my chest, my nerves, my whole body felt it strongly. In the morning I got up completely powerless - to such an extent tobacco smoke takes away strength (not to say that it does not nourish at all). Why do people smoke tobacco? April 1st. God! I thank You, for You have partially fulfilled my prayer, which I offered to You before Your throne after the Creed, so that You would unite in the Orthodox faith all Christian communities that have fallen away from the unity of the Holy, Orthodox, Catholic Church - now one hundred thousand Uniate souls have joined the Orthodox Church. Earthly pleasures are coarse and lead to sin; They are short-term, momentary, but their disastrous consequences are enduring, eternal, if we don’t come to our senses in time to stop our pleasures. Some true, spiritual pleasures bring true contentment and health to the soul and body and do not pass away forever, because they are contained in God, the eternal Source of life and bliss. Evening food weighs me down and relaxes me, especially my heart. Fish food produces a disposition to lustful movements, especially at night. That's what happened to me yesterday. Don't eat fish at night. Eating buckwheat porridge at night today makes my heart sad. The dream was not good. No need to eat at night. Praying on the street, entering, is a good thing, but here’s what’s inconvenient and bad: there is no sign of the cross during prayer, and this is a very, very important drawback. The sign of the cross gives great power to prayer, it drives away demons and calms passions. April 3. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the miracles of His mercy on this day three times: the first time in delivering me from the cramped conditions of hell after being upset with my wife and children for damaging chairs and other things, the second time also from cramped conditions and sorrow after refusing, rudely, with indignation and malice, the refusal of one poor village woman in the amount she demanded (I gave only thirty kopecks) and, thirdly, from cramped conditions and grief after I was offended by my sexton for not giving me the vestment for the all-night vigil. I forgot the Savior’s word about kindness and forgiveness for those who fall into sins seventy times seventy times (Matthew 18:22). Have you forgotten that the Lord washed the disciples’ feet? And the words: “I will not come and let them serve Me, but serve Me” (Matthew 20:28)? Forgot. April 4. God! I glorify Your great mercy, shown to me this day in granting me tears of tenderness during the Presanctified Liturgy (served together by Father Matthew, Father Konstantin Semenov and me) in the Duma Church and in the renewal of my soul through the communion of the Holy Mysteries - I have risen from the dead. I thank the Lord, who soon accepted my repentance for my anger against the sexton first, and then later against the beggars, who delivered me from the consuming fire, confusion and cramped conditions and gave me the longed-for peace, coolness, freedom, and space. I glorify the miracles of mercy and God's power. Woe to me, unclean and nasty and evil, for through the action of the devil everything tempts me: the face of the Lord and the Mother of God, and the faces of Angels and saints, and the faces of men in the church, and I am afraid of everything, although in vain and in vain, for there is nothing terrible, for example, in people. Especially beautiful faces tempt me, the faces of noble, rich, tall, stalwart people - ugly or ugly, rude faces; seduced by the shine of metals, dresses made of silk and velvet. How I indulge my multi-passionate flesh and must tell myself the truth that the violence of the disembodied enemy against me comes from my gluttony and satiety. Abstinence, fasting, mortification of the flesh - this is what is needed to defeat the enemy! O stupid sight! Yesterday I was indignant several times during the confession of certain noble and beautiful persons and could not read the prayer of permission. Receive everyone equally, hold with everyone the dignity of the priesthood of Christ that you bear: Christ God is infinite greatness. He is the most righteous standard; He does not look at faces. April 5. I thank the Lord for the gift of reading and singing during the morning mass in the Cathedral with the communicants and for the early (at 8 o’clock) mass in the Duma. Thank you for the heavenly Bread. Due to intemperance, I did not feel the life-giving fire in my mouth and in my being. April 6. Vai week. In a dream I saw the Pope in the Vatican; received with great respect, and I spoke to him in extremely respectful terms. The dad is new, young, about forty, with a cropped hair, black hair, dressed like a Polish priest. The disembodied enemy laughed and made fun of me today during the all-night vigil and early mass: he did not allow me to utter the following words at the beginning: Come, let us worship and fall down before Christ Himself, the King and our God, then at the litany of the words: Thou art merciful and a lover of mankind to the end; words: pacify our life, Lord, have mercy on us and Thy peace; words of dismissal at the first hour; at mass - the names of the empress, heir, wife, their son; words: grant them to Your holy Churches in the world, whole... And give us one mouth and one heart; words: By the grace and compassion and love of Thy Only Begotten Son. .. and the whole lunch break - here I stood and stood, silent and silent, and that was the end of it. And because of what, by the way? Because of the anger at the sexton, which the deserving man sang absurdly, the trouble is not great, but there is a lot of pride and evil in the heart. Who does not stumble or make mistakes? Everything was fine with the sexton, only this was bad, obviously not malicious (not due to special negligence), and if you didn’t pay attention, but no - let me amuse your heart according to custom. Where is the kindness? Where is the abstinence? Last night I greedily ate fish, cod and smelt, cabbage soup with fish, I was fed up - and here are the fruits: extreme violence of the enemy, anger, despondency. I sinned before God. It's my fault, not the sexton. And he needs to be taught to sing irmos. Enmity, I will be at enmity against the devil, in everything he confuses everyone: both my sexton and me. The priest is the mouth of all, the mind and heart of all people standing and praying in the church, he expresses their praise, thanksgiving, and petitions. What should these lips, this heart, this mind be like, praising and thanking the Lord?! Glory to the Divine Mysteries: when I repented of my anger and my confusion and realized that it was necessary to observe peace, meekness, kindness and act on the sexton with words, for he is a rational being, that wordless rage is unusual for a person, especially a servant of the God of love and peace, then God forgave me for my sin, and I calmed down and fell to the Divine Chalice. And soon after communion, even during mass, I felt a life-giving fire in my mouth. But the enemy, shaking me terribly, inclined me to feel anger at the sexton, and again I became embarrassed, especially when I said prayers before the communion of the laity - here and envy of Father Matthew. I need to radically change myself and start by curbing my belly - fasting and fasting: because of my belly, because of gluttony, all worldly passions overwhelm me: anger, envy, pride, partiality, contemplation, conceit, self-righteousness and self-esteem, despondency, fear. Everyone is equal before God. Alas for me. My heart is devoted to worldly, and not to God’s love, and therefore the disembodied enemy easily catches me and drags me into his disastrous nets, confusing, oppressing and darkening me - woe is me! For my heart is still alien to sincere, unfeigned love for my neighbor and soon becomes irritated with my neighbor when it would be necessary to cover up his shortcomings and mistakes with condescension (I was angry with the sexton during mass). Alas for me! Alas for me! For I often get irritated with my wife because of empty things. Because of the small scarf, I was very embarrassed today at (M...)’s christening: I didn’t finish many prayers, so beautiful, sublime, wise, I didn’t read the Gospel, I didn’t finish the litanies; I didn’t say goodbye. What about the scarf? What do I need? Dream, ghost. Yes, I can always buy it myself. I redeem these scarves with alms to the beggars. However, mercy is rewarded from God if I do it with zeal, humility, simplicity and love. Vain charm! Everything is decay. There is nothing in the world more sublime, sweeter, more beautiful than the prayers of our Holy Church read during the celebration of the Sacraments, especially Baptism and Communion, and there is nothing more touching and touching than the prayers read during the celebration of the Sacraments of Repentance and Blessing of Anointing. And how sometimes we ourselves, through the action of an envious enemy, humiliate ourselves when committing them to various earthly passions, plunging ourselves into dust, into darkness, into shame, and oppression! Do not raise your voice in anger against any beggar or against anyone inferior: be meek and courteous to everyone. I thank the Lord for the help shown to me through my prayer during the confession of the schoolchildren, especially when pronouncing the prayer of permission. Glory to Thee, my hope, Lord! I thank You, who saved me from heartbreak on the way from the gymnasium. Help again and always, Lord! An evil and blasphemous spirit prevents me from praising in exclamations the name of the Lord God, praised and exalted forever. I sinned before God and His anointed, and before my spiritual ruler in that I shook in my heart the reverence due to them in conversations and speeches of unrighteous indignation, and for this I suffer for a long time, not pronouncing their names and the wife of my great king through the action of the enemy. God! Accept my repentance and grant me to sincerely revere these great and exalted persons and always pronounce their names firmly and sincerely. Even for Your saints, the enemy has shaken my reverence and love and prevents me from pronouncing their names. God! Deliver me from evil. Wake up! Wake up! Hallowed be Thy holy name forever! Amen. God! You will open my mouth, and my mouth will proclaim Your praise (Ps. 50:17). Yesterday I had two hundred and twenty-seven confessors. I read the prayer of permission to myself intelligently over very many; finished at nine o'clock, came home at nine and a half o'clock. May the Lord grant all our spiritual children the dignity to partake of His life-giving Mysteries. Amen. April 10. Maundy Thursday. I thank the Lord, who showed me great mercy at the beginning of the Liturgy of the Catechumens. At the end of the proskomedia, I fell internally into the sin of envy of the cathedral prosphora maker, that she would receive a large income from the many prosphoras presented for the proskomedia. This plunged me into torment, cramped conditions, sorrow, shame, powerlessness; I couldn't speak. (Oh, wordless passion!) But then I realized my grave sin, realized that my lot was very good, that a person’s life does not depend on the abundance of possessions (Luke 12:15), that the Lord is my part, everything for me - and the Lord accepted my repentance and granted peace, freedom, boldness, and I served the liturgy peacefully, with feeling, with tears and received communion for joy, and gave communion to the laity about five hundred people with joy. Glory to the Lord! It's one o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who showed great mercy to me by delivering me from cramped conditions and sorrow that arose from some hostility towards the German Caroline Markovna (Sh...) when meeting her (she was always cold and inattentive during meetings). I repented of this feeling of hostility, cried out to God for mercy and received peace and freedom in the name of the Lord. During the all-night vigil with the twelve Gospels, I stumbled while reading the sixth Gospel due to a stupid thought. He was embarrassed, hurt, died in soul, but repented, cried out to God - and received mercy. Before the Last World Judgment, be healed of your sins many times in a secret, lenient court, with your spiritual father in confession. At the Last Judgment, your fate will be decided forever and ever. Correct yourself quickly, brethren, while there is time, day; night will come when no one can do anything (John 9:4). April 12. I thank the Lord, who has given me the word before the Holy Shroud and the gift of saying it sincerely, firmly, strongly. I thank the Lord, who has granted me peace to confess one hundred and sixty-five people after Vespers. He pronounced the prayer of permission over everyone and very easily. Glory to the grace of God. And this gift was given to me for abstinence, this freedom of language, and for speaking before the Shroud. April 12. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard me in my repentance, in my distress, and saved me by His great mercy. Easter April 13th. I thank the Lord, who saved me with the salvation of His goodness and power just before Easter Matins. I became somewhat irritated with the beggars who asked me for alms another time after giving in the morning, and said: where can I get such a lot of money (although I had given the money for the beggars)? I was stingy, showed my love of money, my greed, my hostility and untruth towards the poor, and therefore I was overcome by distress and sorrow. But he repented from the soul, cried out from the heart, and the Lord saved in His name. Glory to Him! I have sinned without number before God and people: I performed church services and religious services very, very often unprepared, insincerely, carelessly, with a confused and oppressed heart, without saying much from frequently repeated prayers and litanies, often, often, my heart doubled between the subject of prayer and worldly and carnal passions: where your treasure is, there is your heart (Matthew 6:21), - that is why the enemy stole my prayer, hurt, embarrassed, darkened, shamed me. He blessed those who carelessly approached the blessing. Salvation is in non-eating; from overeating (...). I sinned against the Lord because I gave place to vanity, when I took off my photographic portraits, and to contemplation, when I looked at the portraits of other people. I sin with ill-will and malice towards secret and imaginary enemies and non-enemies, and even innocent and unskilled babies. I sin with prodigal movements of my heart, mind, and flesh. Forgive and cleanse, Lord! I sinned with cowardly fear and despondency and fear of fear where there is no fear, coldness in prayer. The Emperor is the image of the Lord of Kings of Kings, his wife is the image of the Queen of heaven and earth - the Mother of God and the Church of Christ. One must pronounce their names with love and reverence in prayer for them; Yes, I lay down my soul for them. In the church, before God, avoid all contemplation: do not distinguish between gender, age, status or rank, but look at everyone like a shepherd at his flock, as children of God, at the members of Christ, at the temples of the Holy Spirit, as at living images of God - as at God; let there be truth in the heart, and not the lies of the devil, that is, partiality or something else. It is unjust what the devil whispers, that is, that on the great feasts of the Lord we should not remember the saints of the church and the saints of the day - we must remember, so that due honor is given to the pillars of faith and to the friends of God, who laid down their souls for Him and to our warm prayer books at all times. I feel full and have little food, because my life seeds have been in me for a long time in all preservation and are not poured out by the grace of God. God! Consume all the deceit of my heart and plant holy simplicity and purity. May that which is impossible for me through the slander of the enemy, O Lord, be both possible and convenient by Thy grace; return me, Lord, to the first boldness that I had at the beginning of my ministry. I serve not people, but the great and terrible God above the kings of the earth. God! Correct my steps yourself, overcome those who fight me (Ps. 39:3; 34:1). God! Whom your adversary the devil and his slanderers do not rebel against, whom your adversary does not blaspheme! And to Your holiness, glory and power, and to Your saints, and to the power that holds. Behold, he rebels against You and Your chosen ones through people and through me. Get rid of his dirty tricks. April 14. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me on the day of Holy Pascha at mass to pronounce in full the names of the reigning house, except for the last two, and the Paschal holiday. I thank the Lord of hosts, who gave me the strength to overcome confusion after the previous extremely painful struggle with the waves of sins that covered me from everywhere. Let us remember the poor (Gal. 2:10) - having traveled around my unit conscientiously, with a cross, without missing a single place, I undertook voluntary work for the benefit of the poor in other parts of the city, and in such houses where our brethren never go. This is my self-sacrifice for the poor with labor and time and courage. How would I dare to enter many houses where our fathers do not enter, if I did not know that on my neck every day there are many hungry and ragged and homeless people? And I did a great job of taking advantage of the opportunity to raise money on such a great holiday - the money won’t come on its own. He gave father the deacon seventy-six rubles from the northern part and the western part (private owners). We haven't been outside the city. He did the job perfectly for both: he pleased the brethren and provided the poor with bread and lodging for the night. Glory to God, who opens the hearts of parishioners to alms. Our priestly task is to pray to God for everyone, and especially for the king and for his royal house, and for everyone who is in power. May God grant me to sincerely and boldly pray for everyone and always. By the grace of God, we met the hearts of parishioners everywhere open to receiving us. Thanks be to the Lord, who delights us with the love of our spiritual children. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering, bold celebration of the Sacrament of Holy Baptism with Mr. Borozdin in Kalmykova’s house. I thank the Lord for saying my dismissal at Vespers without stumbling. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the Divine power that trampled death within me, in the depths of my soul. The holy saints of God are the best humanity, perfected by the grace of God, attested by God Himself. The Church glorifies them worthily and righteously, for through this God Himself is glorified, and through this praise we receive spiritual benefit, learning to imitate them to the best of our ability. April 17. I thank the Lord, who saved me from demonic possession, from sorrow, melancholy, crampedness, spiritual powerlessness, which were the cause of my stumbling blocks at Matins (during the reading of the Gospel, the reprimand of dismissal). And these infirmities, in turn, came from an excess of strong tea, drunk yesterday evening, after honey. Strong tea is very harmful; In addition to tea, and from white fish fried in oil, nausea occurred. Lutheranism, hiding behind the name of the Christian faith, is in reality a rejection of faith, an indulgence in sensuality (rejection of fasting, monasticism, or a virgin life dedicated exclusively to serving God); indulgence to the false human mind with its philosophical nonsense and its deification; rejection of the Divine (...) Ecumenical Councils and Holy Fathers, a daring break with the Ecumenical Church and its Head - Christ; an unauthorized gathering hiding behind the name of a purified, reformed church. April 18. I thank the Lord for the past day, for its successful passage for me. During the cathedral service at the great entrance, I did not pronounce the names of the royal family; During the prayer behind the pulpit, out of timidity, I missed several expressions at the end of the prayer. He became enlivened by the sacrament. Brotherly - brethren, what is for the poor is for the poor, I gave what was mine to everyone and I give it back: I did not deprive anyone, and acted wisely, having worked in abundance; To the bounties of the Lord be glory. Let us remember the poor (Gal. 2:10), and strive to do this very thing, walking with the cross on Easter. Evening. I performed Mass with extreme difficulty, in extremely damp weather, sleep attacked me mercilessly, from weakness I could barely speak, but the reigning house spoke by name, slowly and difficultly, but the Metropolitan with his title and the words: grant them to Your holy Churches in peace, whole, honest, healthy... I could not pronounce with terrible despondency and fear in my soul; I also didn’t read all of the prayer behind the pulpit out of fear; I didn’t say all of the vacation, 20th. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, who yesterday gave me victory over invisible, despicable, proud and blasphemous enemies, who fiercely embarrassed and wounded me, when, due to their slander and dirty tricks, I did not finish the Gospel, prayer and dismissal, thinking about artos (the remains of it) and how to please the woman, the wife of the director of the Real School - I still bow before the prominent and noble, and my heart falls away from Him to Whom alone glory, honor and worship are due, and from She who is blessed among women, to Whom all heartfelt reverence, worship, and glory are due. Forgive me, my Lord! Forgive me, my Lady! The action of the life-giving Mysteries in me is wonderful, life-giving: it crushes in me the power of the dark forces that trap, kill and torment me, revives me, frees me from torment and powerlessness and calms me. Glory to the Conqueror of Hell! Glory to Him who does not forsake me in His mercy! In the Holy Mysteries I know God is not naked and man is not simple! 20th. I thank the Lord, who worked with me the miracle of His power and His mercy with me during the liturgy on the week of Antipascha: the enemy confused and plunged me into despair, reminding me of the sins of my youth, instilling in me that I was unworthy of the priesthood and that the Lord was rejecting me as unworthy - but I realized that the Lord had come to call not the righteous, but sinners to repentance (Lk. 5:32), that he came to seek and save the lost (Matthew 18:11), and not healthy or holy, that the Lord saved the greatest sinners - and will not reject me, just as he really did not reject me before - and the Lord did not disgrace me: I calmed down, at the great entrance I said half or more of the names of the royal house, In the first remember, the Lord spoke completely, only he did not say the dismissal completely. With the communion of the Holy Mysteries I became wonderfully alive. I praise and thank the Lord, who has mercy and saves me, a sinner. I thank the Lord, who through me, unworthy, for the sake of the life-giving and terrible Mysteries I received, showed power over the demons who tormented the servant of God Justina, a simple woman who asked me after mass to pray to the Lord for her. She complained of melancholy in her heart, especially during mass, and especially when they sing the Cherubic Hymn, and that she had lost all desire for prayer and the church. I read the Holy Father prayer and the incantatory prayer: The Lord forbids you, the devil... The patient became ill, the evil spirit began to beat her and threw her to the ground; When she was raised, I read the spell twice more, she little by little came to her senses and said that she felt better. Glory to the Lord! Glory to Your name, Lord! Glory to You, who did not disgrace my faith and my hope! I thank the Lord, who saved me from cramped conditions and anger towards my brother, reader Vladimir Zrelov, for sending him away from home, because I had to go to church, and I wanted to take him and couldn’t find him at home. In counsel is salvation 71: I consulted with my wife and forgave him, prayed to God, repented, and the Lord gave me peace. God! Deliver me forever from malice, which in a Christian should not be thought and acted as absurdity, madness, or a monster. Love endures everything, covers everything, is not irritated, does not think evil, is long-suffering, merciful, does not boast, is not proud (1 Cor. 13:4-5). He who wants to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God (James 4:4). This often happens to me, a people-pleaser, a person of persons, when out of people-pleasing I rush to read the Gospel or prayers in church, I stumble, do not pronounce certain words or names of saints or sinners living on earth (about health and salvation), and thereby anger God with cowardice with your own, human fear. 21st. I was subjected to a terrible demonic storm, a terrible temptation today before mass and during early mass because of an insignificant incident - because my sexton Zrelov came late to mass, although he got up early and was in church at seven o’clock (mass was scheduled at eight). I became embittered, lost my temper (into the Holy of Holies), forgetting my high rank and duty to be meek and humble like a lamb, for I serve the Lamb who takes away our sins; scolded the sexton, mentioned the name of the devil in his anger (the devil wears you), brought him to his knees. Throughout the mass I was not myself, although I tried to extinguish my anger and leave all sins to him from my heart. Before consuming the Holy Gifts, he made complete peace with the sexton and bowed at his feet. I used the Holy Mysteries for my great joy. Glory to the Lord! When too much attention is paid to the body and its decoration, then the soul, the noblest part of the being, which should dominate the body and not be subordinate to it, is naturally neglected. 22nd. Funeral mass in the Assumption Duma Church. He was terribly tempted just before the Cherubic song and during the great entrance. Before the Cherubic Song, when he took out pieces from the prosphyra and envied the prosphyra maker that she would become rich due to the large consumption of prosphyra in the two churches. “Suddenly my soul suffered death because of this thought and this passionate movement of the heart: I was indignant in spirit, wounded in my soul, darkened and could not speak the names of the royal house at the great entrance. And rightly so! For greed and greed! Is it my share that I envy and do not be kind to others? Am I the only one who wants to take over everything? Am I not full, am I not satiated? Is it because of intemperance that I am subjected to so many snares of the enemy? Isn’t the Lord my part and my heritage, a part for which nothing is greater, nothing is dearer, nothing sweeter, more glorious, nothing more beautiful can be? What and who do I envy, crazy person? Instead of rejoicing in the well-being of my neighbor, I grieve and suffer reckless suffering, deprived of life-giving grace. I thank the Lord, who quickly had mercy on me before the beginning of mass and at mass, after my repentance for being harsh with the poor. I sinned against the Lord: the spirit of abomination and obscenity suddenly attacked me today and overwhelmed me with its abominations, putting me to extreme shame, when the youth Protopopov, a student of a real school, was sitting next to me. This is for gluttony, delicacy and gluttony. O idolater I am! God! Teach me abstinence. Behold, the thorns of sins grew in me and crushed the wheat of the Divine Body and (the power of) Thy Blood, I was scalded with sins. April 23. I thank the Lord, who revived me, deadened by sin, - I took communion of the Holy Mysteries and came to life; I thank the Lord, who healed the wounds of my soul, who took away my confusion, who burned the thorns of my sins, who extinguished the flame of my passions, who took away shame from my face. I thank the Lord, who quickly heard me in the prayer of my repentance and delivered me from Confusion, oppression and shame that befell me for my secret voluptuous thought. God! May I suppress all carnal lusts, may I pursue spiritual life at all times, all to please You, both in thinking and acting 72 . Today I served several prayer services, and the more I served, the easier and firmer and more unstumbling I became. I thank the Lord. Less food and drink, especially sweets, less sleep - more abstinence, prayer, vigil. Watch and pray, so that you do not fall into misfortune (Matthew 26:41). The spirit is willing, but our flesh is weak. Saved me to the point of obviousness many times today. Glory to His mercy and goodness! Remember, Lord, in Your Kingdom, Your merciful servant Walter and Julia with their children, Alexander, Anna and their children - the Anglicans. Whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him... (Mark 8:38]. Listen and understand, see what a terrible punishment is falsely ashamed of the devil! April 24. I thank the Lord, who enabled me to peacefully and without stumbling to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy, although my father, the archpriest, suddenly informed me about it in the morning. Glory to the ineffable bounties of the Lord! In the evening I didn’t eat anything, I only drank tea and ate lean food all day (fresh ruff fish soup and roast perch in vegetable oil). At the funeral service of Ivan Vasilyevich Yakovlev (the elder of the bourgeois), the devil stumbled, confused, got the better of me, and I did not glorify - alas! - My Lord, without saying loudly: For You are the resurrection and life and rest of Your departed servant John, Christ our God. .. I sinned towards the Lord with inappropriate, illusory, sinful doubt and fear; also in the church after the memorial service, without saying the words: He will restore the soul of His deceased servant Elizabeth in the villages of the righteous, in the bosom of Abraham he will rest, he will be numbered with the righteous... I was ashamed - alas! - The Lord and His words like this adulterer and sinner, and he himself judged in some way showed himself over the dead, as if depriving them of resurrection, peace and life, who is Christ God, who takes away the sins of the world, the Lamb of God, depriving them of participation in the bosom of Abraham, of teaching in the villages of the righteous! O wise one! I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I'm wrong, not pronouncing the words, just like not pronouncing the names of saints, empresses and the highest individuals of God's very mercy and philanthropy sometimes. Oh, the dream of the enemy! Oh, violence, oh, blasphemy of the enemy! I thank the Lord, who has forgiven me, a repentant one, for my hardness of heart and severity towards the poor. Five o'clock in the evening on April 24. I thank the Lord for vigor, for health, lightness of my body and most of all for health, vigor and lightness of my soul, which is all a consequence of the most pure, immortal, divine, life-giving Mysteries. God! I thank You for the twentieth year of my priesthood. Most High, Divine, Eternal High Priest, Lord Jesus Christ! Complete 73 my priesthood yourself, establish it yourself, rule it yourself! Heal what is weak in me, fill what is lacking, renew what is old, cleanse what is unclean, take away what is faint-hearted, give me courage, show me boldly in all services before You in front of all people; May Thy power be made perfect in my weakness, may Thy grace abound in the multiplication of my iniquities. Since through the sacred rite of marriage both husband and wife are married into one flesh, the wife becomes a participant in the glory and power of her husband (in the person of the imperial persons) - and the wife is the empress and imperial majesty, the husband’s helper and associate in raising children, and in some matters of the state, especially in matters of philanthropy. Therefore, she should be loved heartily, as the wife of the king and the mother of kings, and as the patroness of works of mercy, especially in the female class. Nothing is more fitting for a sinner than a feeling of spiritual poverty. Blessed are the poor in spirit: for of them is the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 5:3); nothing is as decent as crying about sins - the blessings of those who mourn (Matthew 5:4), like meekness, like greed and thirst for truth, which he hitherto trampled, despised, insulted, like mercy, which he hitherto neglected, like jealousy, concern for the purity of the heart, about which he had hitherto thought little and which he imputed to nothing due to his sinful frivolity. The Holy Orthodox Church, Apostolic, has the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16). Therefore, all her prayers, exclamations, chants, charters, rituals, etc. have especially high, worthy respected significance and strength. April 29. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who unexpectedly gave me the liturgy on this day (from my father, Archpriest Matthew Veselovsky) and the spiritual strength to perform it cheerfully, unfalteringly, warmly from beginning to end, and who revived me miraculously with His Divine communion. Glory, glory, glory to You, Lord! The requiem, by God's grace, was also performed warmly, without stumbling, except for the last words of dismissal with the righteous... The ending finished everything. April 27 Saturday. By the grace of God, I was promoted to the rank of archpriest in the Church of the Holy Spirit in the Alexander Nevsky Lavra by His Eminence Nicodemus, Bishop of Starorussky. On Sunday 28th I attended a scientific debate at the Theological Academy; Well done doctoral student Troitsky: he behaved with dignity, calmly, without embarrassment or getting excited, despite the harsh judgments about the shortcomings of his work by his opponents, Cheltsov and Nilsky, who also behaved with dignity; an example for me, the new archpriest, to behave calmly everywhere, with dignity befitting the rank. On the 27th I attended an all-night vigil in the church of the palace of Grand Duke Nikolai Nikolaevich: Archpriest Lebedev and Father Deacon served magnificently and carried themselves with dignity. When I was ordained to the rank of archpriest, the Right Reverend Nicodemus was serving. He serves magnificently, behaves perfectly, calmly and majestically, speaks quietly and leisurely. Father Viceroy Simeon Archimandrite serves excellently - reverently, his voice is clear, gentle, sonorous, tenor, he pronounces every word superbly. In service he is excellently quiet and even. Lord, let me imitate them. Nothing frightens them, nothing frightens them, they are like children in the bosom of their father: before them, it seems, there are only three revered Persons of the Divine and no other face - they are before God and in God. Glorious hierarch of Christ, His Eminence Nicodemus. At the end of the mass, the archdeacon greeted me and wished me a crown of precious stones. He serves gloriously, loudly, boldly, towering in spirit and body above the entire congregation. Why do I have cowardice, timidity, and fear? May 1st. Thursday. God! I thank You, most merciful and obedient, for You quickly heard me when I heartily and in my mind cried out to You to extinguish the hostility in my heart towards Principal Janisch (when I was in the second grade), and You extinguished it and calmed me, having clothed me with You. And many times today You saved me through my prayer. May 3. Saturday. I thank the Lord, even now for the all-night vigil, who raised me from the dead and gave me sincere prayer, tenderness, peace, a clear voice (at first the dead man had no voice), good service, except for the end: Christ, the true Light, did not finish speaking, the exclamation did not say everything - this weakness, this fear from satiety with meat (at the priest of Transfiguration and at home). Serves me right. I had heartburn for a long time. May 4. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform, albeit with stumblings, in cramped spirit, the Divine Liturgy, and to partake of the salvation of the Divine Mysteries, and to say the word with boldness, to read the Gospel in full at the thanksgiving service and the prayer of thanksgiving, then to perform several prayer services at the laying of houses and on the ship (V...) and two more, although in great cramped conditions. I sinned before God by rushing to serve the liturgy for prayer services and telling the singers to hurry up. Have mercy, forgive, Lord, that for the sake of the womb and mammon I committed this sin and served the Divine Liturgy with a double heart, in confusion and crampedness. Forgive me, Lord, that I spoke reproachful words to the poor and told them that I would leave them, leave Kronstadt. And he tore out one beggar by the hair because he approached me persistently, asking for alms and being somewhat drunk. Forgive me, Lord, for my cowardice, lack of faith, grumbling, stinginess, severity, hard-heartedness. Oh, Lord, grant me to love both You and my neighbor completely. Director Yanish yesterday sent me ten rubles for the work of confessing the schoolchildren. It was as if he knew my thoughts and responded to them. I was at the gymnasium yesterday and internally prayed to God that the director would send me what I deserve, if he considers it due. I thank the Lord, together with His Most Pure Mother, who deigned to accept and fulfill my prayer for the healing of the servant of God Alexander Arsenievich Estafiev, who was extremely dangerously ill. Glory, glory, glory to You, Lord! The Empress is truly the most pious, and the Emperor is a true father to all children and his subordinates; prayer for them should always be heartfelt. Today I sinned before God by becoming angry with the poor because of their multitude, and sent them to hell - those whom the Lord redeemed from him with His Honest Blood and death, whom He adopted as His sons, whom He nourishes with His Flesh and Blood, whom He created in His image and likeness, who are called by His name. Yes, this will never happen, forever, - Lord, help! Forgive me for those who walked past, Lord! May 6. Due to satiety in the evening (I sinned grievously!), namely eating meat and milk with black bread and drinking sweet tea, and earlier on the ship after a prayer service drinking sherry and beer, and a warm night blanket, I had a strong fornication temptation in the night. Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner, a nasty one, who has created all my indecent thoughts and deeds. Purify me according to the abundance of Your mercy! I thank the Lord for His service of the liturgy, unfaltering by grace; I pronounced almost the entire royal family freely, with the exception of the last two - (the queen) and Catherine Mikhailovna, and the pulpit, and the dismissal, and Remember the first, Lord... Then I felt very good all day, especially at Vespers and the All-Night Vigil. I praise the Lord. May 7. I thank the Lord for the kind, unfaltering service of the Liturgy in a clear, sonorous voice and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries into peace and joy of soul and for the strengthening of soul and body. During the procession to the water, especially after the prayer service, my legs ached greatly from the heat (I was wearing the warmest cassock). I was feeling very sleepy even during mass, but during the religious procession I became completely weak, and I was feeling very sleepy, especially in class at the gymnasium. I came home - had lunch of fish soup and fried perch, drank tea, rested and fell asleep; I got up for Vespers, relaxed after sleep, was revived by singing, but during the All-Night Vigil I felt great about God’s mercy and grace; the voice was sonorous, clear, blessed; He performed the entire all-night vigil solemnly, without stumbling. Thanks be to the Lord, who gave me boldness! All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass dries up, the flowers fade (Isa. 40:6-7). The Word of the Lord endures forever; and this is the word that was preached to you (1 Pet. 1:25). So, do not highly value earthly nobility and do not be embarrassed before it. The servant of God, the priest of God, is great in the eyes of believers and those who fear God; those who love God should rather fear him as a servant of the highest Mysteries and human salvation. Always hold high the banner of faith and the Church and the priesthood before the eyes of the laity. By God's grace you yourself now have the rank of archpriest. May 8. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy with little stumbling and to partake in the world of spiritual powers of the life-giving Mysteries. The greatest spiritual misfortune befell me today before a prayer service on the ship Nadezhda, on which were Master of the Horse 74 Alexander Nikolaevich, General Euler, Vasily Ivanovich Sokolov and many other officers; I felt like I was on coals or like a shuttle in the middle of a storm-tossed sea. And this is due to the fact that he was at enmity with comrade Semyon Nikolaev for his real or imaginary ignorance and neglect of me. And yesterday’s satiety was the reason, and the lipstick, and the watch given to me, which I promised to sell and give the money received for it to the poor. I gave my word before the prayer service on the ship “Nadezhda” to never be angry with anyone again, not to become embittered, as was the case with me regarding Nikolaev, the art teacher. Grant, Lord! I lost God's help on the ship, although I strongly called for it: demons swallowed me up. At the prayer service in Nikitin’s shop, I served God’s grace cheerfully and unfailingly. I praise the Lord! It’s good to pray with ordinary people, but it’s bad with the tall, the learned, the rich. God knows what kind of storm engulfs me then, a fierce storm! Glorifying the saints of God, you glorify the Lord who glorified them; By praying to the saints or glorifying them, you do yourself the greatest benefit, for you attract their intercession for you. Their glory is your glory, for they are human, just as you are human, your nature is glorified in them - a god-like nature, and God is glorified in them, as in you. And in general, by praying for the dead or for the living, you do yourself a great benefit - for God accepts, as a pleasant sacrifice, the prayer of love, and the dead, if they themselves have boldness before God, pray for us who pray for them, and the living, for whom we pray, are disposed towards us with their hearts and love us. May 9. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy and for communion with the wonderful revival, for the victory over the fierce demons that tormented me with confusion, cramped conditions and fire. I thank the Lord for pardoning my repentance as a result of my repentance. While going to a prayer service during the foundation stone of Grigory Matsygin’s house, I became angry with a beggar stranger from St. Petersburg who was handing me a letter, and tore the package in half. After that it was very difficult for me, and I did not know what to do while serving a prayer service: I was embarrassed, pressed, made dumb, and burned by the sinful situation. But I prayed with all my heart in Fyodor’s apartment (in the house (B...)), and God had mercy - I felt at ease. I sinned before God by sending to hell in a rage one drunken beggar, to whom I gave ten kopecks yesterday. I sinned by refusing alms to several beggars so that they could go to work. He sinned by sending the Son of God, redeemed from the enemy by the honest Blood, to that same enemy. It is inadmissible and sinful for a priest to even think about this, not only to speak - let there be no such madness and this insolence in the future. If you yourself unworthily accept the gifts of God, give to the poor, although they are unworthy, but do not have daily food, clothing and housing, so that you yourself are not condemned as unworthy. For with the judgment you judge, you will be condemned (Matt. 7, 1 – 2). May 10. I thank the Lord for the good service of the Liturgy, free, loud, and for the good communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for yesterday, that I peacefully and freely performed many prayers and received twenty-seven rubles for them in the fraternal circle, I thank the Lord for the bliss of celebrating the Liturgy. What a great thing is in man, in his soul - the image and likeness of God! Adam and Eve talk with God like children with their father; then God appears to Abraham as a friend, fights with Jacob, shows the image of His Calvary sacrifice in Isaac, makes Moses a god for Pharaoh, speaks to Moses as a friend; lives in the prophets, as in His churches, according to their word he creates and destroys; descends into the Most Pure Virgin Mary as if into a church; He talks with the apostles as with brothers, as with children, filling them with the Holy Spirit - how He strengthened the hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all the saints, how He glorified them during life and after death with miracles, the gift of speech, insight, and knowledge of the heart! With what love he received sinners and repentant sinners and introduced them into His eternal Kingdom! How He made wise the ancient sages, or philosophers, rhetoricians, legislators, doctors! As always, he mercifully condescended and to this day he condescends and until the end of the world will condescend to His fallen image, calling everyone to repentance and faith in the Gospel, enlightening everyone with baptism, the bath of rebirth, 75 offering Himself to everyone as food and drink, having mercy on everyone, being patient with everyone, correcting everyone, healing, comforting, helping, enlightening, strengthening, making wise! This image is more glorious and infinitely higher than all earthly nobility, all ranks and distinctions of temporary life and in time having some significance, more expensive than any wealth, more beautiful than all worldly and natural beauty. For this beauty is the glorious, incorruptible image of God. Take care of it within yourself, cleanse it, renew it, value it more than anything else in the world. Meat makes the heart extremely coarse and weak – I’ve experienced this a thousand times. What food do you turn to with pleasure and what food do you enjoy eating when you are full of modest food, for example, meat, eggs, cheese, cream, butter? To lenten - you eat lenten food with special pleasure and find in it some kind of special light, pleasant relish, which makes your insides feel easy, which heals both your stomach and your body, aggravated and upset by fatty, fat, heavy fast food. Do not despise Lenten food and fasts established by the Church, do not reject them. Fasting is necessary both physically and morally. May 11. I thank the Lord for the Divine Liturgy and for the revival of the Divine Mysteries: because of them I felt great all day, I made a speech at the meeting of members of the Trusteeship, I performed the baptism at the customs house peacefully and freely; also the wedding in the Cathedral is completely peaceful, free, unbreakable, authoritative, open. May 12. I acted recklessly, eating meat at night, as if instinctively, in significant quantities, which is why I had pain in the lower back at night, despite the fact that I walked at night; I again angered the Lord with my gluttony, the church of my body was hardened and my soul was burdened. Dream. I'm at the Academy: former comrades have gathered. Thanksgiving prayer. I serve. I say; instead of a censer there is a long image, covered with a veil; I’m filming: here is the image of the Mother of God with the Eternal Child. This means my image is animated, covered with passions; I take off the veil when I sincerely repent and pray fervently. Before this prayer service I ate: my mouth was full of village kolob (meat like the kolob that I ate yesterday) - I was full and ate; others, (chewing), spat it out, but I swallowed it. This means that from my youth I became accustomed to gluttony. Oh, recklessness! Oh, animality! Do I live as a priest (archpriest) or do I continue to live like a dumb animal? Oh, how grievously I have sinned and am sinning before God! God! Have mercy on me, dumb one! As a result of gluttony, the heart becomes extremely coarse and becomes incapable of the love of God, that is, of love for God and pure love for one’s neighbor; the heart becomes partial, discerning, distinguishes clean, beautiful faces and gazes at them, but feels a sinful disgust towards the ugly and unclean. This is not how God looks at man, for man looks at the face, but God looks at the heart. And you look at what is in a person, and not at the face. God! I thank You, Most Merciful, for the twentieth year of my priesthood and for the forty-sixth year of my life! I thank You, for until now I have been amazed by Your great and rich mercies, for You have endured me for a long time, helped me, shown Your powers in me, had mercy, cleansed, saved, covered me, healed my infirmities and illnesses and through me many, and even - oh, mercy and generosity! gave me a good name and glorified me, indecent, won the hearts of those who fear and even those who do not fear Your name towards me! May 15. I thank the Lord, who has again and again surprised me with His mercy in His mercy, deliverance from sinful death and the marvelous revival and pacification of my confused and mortified spirit. I was angry with the servants and the child because one allows it, and this one goes to defecate in my room and spreads a bad smell in it; I angrily reprimanded the servant for this, and did not order the child’s mother and wife to let him go ahead - and that’s why I was seriously embarrassed. Oh, what a world I have tasted! And then, when I lost this peace due to the omission of words out of fear during the exclamation and dismissal when seeing off the deceased Venedict at the Rambovskaya pier 3, I again, after a long repentance, received forgiveness and peace from the Lord. Oh, we must not omit a single word from our prayers, exclamations and dismissals, lest this be counted as a renunciation of the Lord, like Peter’s renunciation: I do not know the Man (Mark 14:71). I thank the Lord, who saved me from the closeness of hostility towards my comrade in the gymnasium professorship, Nikolai Gavrilovich Voznesensky, for his pride, perhaps imaginary; hostility oppressed me extremely, killed me, and I cried out to my God for help - and the Lord revived me and made me peaceful. Whoever loves father or mother... son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me (Matthew 10:37). Why? Because the Lord loves us a thousand times more, or incomparably more, than the father or mother of each of us. Oh, may I love the Lord above all else and more than anyone else in the world! Word at the laying of new church walls for the expansion of the Cathedral. The crowdedness of the church, the lack of space for many on great holidays - how sad it was to see the ardent zeal of many, especially common people, to be in church! How incongruous I stand with the breadth of the heart and spirit of the Church of God, which are obvious to the Orthodox Christian from her prayers and litanies, which embrace the whole world, the entire fullness of the Church (even on earth, on the sea, in every place of His dominion!) (From the Epistle to the Corinthians, the words of the Apostle; from the Epistle of Ezekiel about the breadth of the Church.) How necessary it is to spread it! Zeal for the construction of the tabernacle and temple of Solomon of the ancient Jews, rich offerings - will we regret our zeal and our treasures! The Lord's earth and what fills it (Ps. 23:1), the Lord's silver and gold... Here, brethren, in the Church, is living water, the spring of living water, the water of immortality! Here is the throne of God! Remember the Savior’s word to Peter, give it to them for Me and for yourself (Matthew 17:27). July 14, 75 Monday. Yesterday, during the christening in the Shvetsovs' house, I again went crazy from the silk scarf and lost my peace and priceless spiritual freedom, I felt the fear and fetters of the spirits of evil. Do I need a scarf? You have plenty of them. God! I have angered You, imperishable Treasure, by the addiction of my heart to corruptible and vain things - have mercy on me, have mercy on me. I was not free and not simple in heart, not peaceful during the entire time of the Sacrament of Baptism. I have grieved and saddened the Holy Spirit - my peace, my love, my strength, my eternal life, a priceless treasure, the only one needed. I repent of this. He seemed to put the merits of the Lord Jesus Christ into nothing, to disparage him, nailing his heart to earthly decay, which will either leave me, or which I must leave without fail. Seeing the Mother of God, I see Christ Himself, for She is the purest, most perfect image of Him, the fragrance of His shrine, the radiance of His light, the indescribable beauty of Him - Her Prototype, the image of His ineffable love for us, fallen men. May 19. I punished myself terribly on the evening of the third day by greedily eating smoked whitefish and then drinking milk: during the cathedral service of mass, I did not know where to go - heaviness, sleep, weakness, indescribable nausea, I almost fell. After eating smoked whitefish, I walked for a long time in the air, and yet it turned out bad: the walk tired me and did not allow me to sleep; besides, the liturgist, akathist to the Iveron Mother of God, prayer services, was tired before his time. Do not eat black bread or anything smoked at night. Do not drink strong tea at night, and in general avoid drinking tea - it has a bad effect on your nerves and chest: one extra glass is a disaster for me. There is no love and there cannot be sincere love for God and neighbor in the heart of a voluptuous and selfish person, for flesh and blood cannot give this to a person; this love is poured into hearts from the Holy Spirit, who cannot dwell in a person who pleases the flesh. My Spirit cannot dwell in these men... they are flesh (Gen. 6:3). Children are the pure wheat of God, and we are the tares; do not spoil this wheat and turn it into tares. Woe to the man through whom temptation comes, woe to the one who causes one of these little ones to stumble (Matthew 18:7, 6). Don’t interfere, you teachers, between the wheat and the tares, give them clean wheat, throw away the tares, don’t force them to sing vain, frivolous, burlatsky songs 76 . They are developing, but what? – The sinful side of a person is not developed for good; note that nothing sown in a person, especially in a child, does not pass without a trace, but grows and bears fruit according to its kind - either good or bad. How often I regret that I learned certain expressions in secular songs! For every idle word we will give an answer to God (Matthew 12:36). It is dangerous and scary to joke (have fun, enjoy) sin, in any form, for example, eating and drinking in excess, tobacco; playing, for example, cards, theater, secular songs, any member of one’s body - all this and the like paralyzes, kills the soul, turns away from God, separation from His commandments, from love for Him. It is impossible to serve two masters: God and the world, the flesh and the devil. May 20. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the wonderful action in me of His life-giving Mysteries, during and especially after the Liturgy, used by me, unworthy, for the divine revival of me, mortified by sins, and for giving me peace, weakening and freedom. In relation to the family of the archpriest’s father, I myself was wrong when I asked for the children to receive the fruits left untouched from the rich church meal for the children. I was completely satisfied with the dinner, but, remembering that I had not taken a single fruit, I went and asked the Trachevsky girls, and they gave me an orange and an apple from the worst ones for the children; I asked for more, they said: no more. It was my fault that, out of greed, I went to ask after the table was over and the guests had left. And what should I go to the store and buy? I would choose which ones I wanted. God! Take away from my heart all grief and indignation and bitterness towards the family of the rich and luxurious Trachevskys: You Yourself judge everyone according to their deeds and do not allow them to riot and offend without measure and to get rich only for themselves, with disdain for all poverty! God! I want to see an end from You to wealth and luxury and hardness of heart and laughter - what will come of all this? I have seen Your terrible and righteous judgments on the rich and unmerciful and luxurious, dressed in purple and fine linen, proud and always despising their brethren. Give me patience, generosity, meekness and kindness. Grant me to be content with the gifts of Your goodness and generosity and to thank You with all my soul for Your countless mercies. Have mercy on me, Lord, as a beggar who has become embittered and despised for frequently asking for alms (the old and lame red old man); forgive me my unkindness, my stinginess, my severity and change me, Lord the Benefactor! Look inside yourself constantly, see your sinful ugliness, the stench of sin, extreme weakness, and always humble yourself deeply before God and people, whoever they are - small or great, poor or noble, however, do not humiliate your rank, your priestly title with false humility, but have, when necessary, the importance appropriate to your rank. Turn away from the outward tinsel splendor, from outward beauty, from orders and all earthly splendor and count it as nothing: before God, in His church, everyone is insignificant, and the Lord looks upon the humble, on the poor in spirit - and those humbly, unrefinedly dressed. May 20. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival of the Divine Mysteries during the service of the conciliar liturgy and for the unfailing reading of the prayer behind the pulpit. I sinned before the Lord by repeatedly being upset with my father, the archpriest, for appropriating for himself the rich remnants of the church’s common fraternal dinner and for refusing a small request in favor of the children. And I sinned in greed, being jealous of the extreme greed of the Trachevsky family, wanting to take some share from their greed. Because of my grief at the archpriest, I could not say the names of the royal family at the great entrance and exclamation at the funeral service: the thought of his greed, the feeling of dissatisfaction with him tied my heart and tongue. I sinned before God purely 77 - through greed, confusion, and addiction to food and drink. Should we, priests, with a venerable rank on high and serving such a Sacrament as Holy Communion, amuse ourselves with food and drink! Do not strive for food that perishes, but for food that endures to eternal life (John 6:27). It was not about the bread that you should pay attention... (MF. 16:11). The Kingdom of God is not food and drink Rom. 14, 17). I was again embarrassed in my heart when entering the room where the funeral meal was being held, when I saw that, without waiting for us, the spiritual fathers, the laity were eating (that’s how petty pride is! As if I was free in the good of others!) Father Matthew controlled himself perfectly, without being embarrassed at all. Oh, how deceitful and deceitful my heart is! I don’t trust him in many ways! For many things only seem bad and evil to me, but in reality they are not - and one should not be embarrassed at the sight of bad things, for the whole world lies in evil (1 John 5:19). We are constantly being killed internally by sin and the evil Belial, and we are constantly in need of the Savior and the Giver of Life, in His Flesh and Blood, because the enemy also acts on our soul through flesh and blood. And my Lord Jesus Christ continually gives me His life-giving Flesh and Blood. Glory to Thee, Lord! The President of the American States, Grant, has become a miserable slave of the cigar and is dying due to his addiction to it. This is the network of the enemy! This is what pleasing the flesh leads to! Do you know, are you convinced that it is very beneficial for you to resort with faith, zeal and love to God and His saints? You are very, very unclean, sinful, weak, naked, damned, poor, and the Lord is Most Pure and the Source of purity, the Most Holy Source of holiness for those who love and seek Him, omnipotent and the Source of strength, clothed with all beauties and perfections, just as His holy Angels and His holy saints are each filled with perfections in their own measure and those who ask God through them ask for grace from Him! It is very profitable for you to cling to God and His saints. Hold on, ask constantly, imitate, strive. I must curse myself for what I ate in the evening, when I had reproached myself a thousand times before for this absurdity that brought me trouble at mass. 21st. I thank the Lord for the Divine (early) Liturgy, served with great confusion and cramped conditions due to the fact that sexton Zrelov did not come to the early liturgy, handing over the voiceless sexton Polyglotov to conduct mass for himself. I was indignant at him and was severely embarrassed, but in vain. Zrelov explained that Polyglotov asked him to serve later on his behalf, but I thought that Zrelov was avoiding for another reason. Oh, how the devil twists my heart arbitrarily and kills me! And all because of gluttony and satiety: yesterday I was at a wake and ate and drank a lot. I have sinned against God! God! I thank You with all my heart, for You soon heard my prayer for the retired captain (who was at the lighthouse) and sent him the place for which he was looking. Glory to You, All-merciful Provider! Glory to You, our Hope! Glory to you, Fulfillment of our good desires! God! Heal the infirmities of my soul and body and heal my invisible enemies who are afflicting me. He who looks with partiality at his own face or at the faces of others, gets used to averting his gaze from the internal, neglecting the internal, the rational and immortal soul itself, created in the image and likeness of God, and paying attention to the unimportant: to the flesh, which is earth and ashes, whether deceived by its beauty or turned away by its ugliness. By this we do the greatest injustice to ourselves and others, we become hypocrites, we fall into various carnal passions, we pervert the true concepts of man, and especially a Christian, we pursue low and unclean goals, we cast our eyes down, without sorrow, to heaven, and become like senseless cattle; Man sees on the face, but God is on the heart. Don't be fooled by appearances. 22nd. Ascension. My heart was extremely fat, rude, painful, irritable today during early mass because of yesterday’s gluttony and gluttony (I ate three fried perch with a bun in the evening, and at two o’clock I ate a small one with fish and another rich pie with cream at the birthday girl Elena Kromido’s and drank coffee (a cup); when I came home, I ate fish soup from ruffs and several fried fish without bread). He was secretly angry with the sexton because he forgot to sing the antiphons, but during communion he soon sang holiday troparia! And passion, how irritable my heart is, painful! The Lord alone, by His grace, saved me from great adversity. It's scary how weak I am! The Lord, the most merciful and omnipotent, reveals great powers in me. Rather, I need to take up abstinence and constant fasting! Until now, I have continually angered the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, by walking with worldly pleasures. 23rd. I thank the Lord for His greatest mercy - for the double, wonderful deliverance of me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for the contempt of the poor and grief at them for frequently asking me for alms (I moved away from them) and for the gift of peace and silence and strength, and then for the grief at the watchman Procopius for the spread of dust or ash from the censer in the air through careless blowing; In particular, I thank the Lord for the Divine Liturgy, for His wonderful mercy in the communion of His life-giving Mysteries, which revived me, dead in sins. Glory to His mercy! I thank the Lord for hearing my prayer for the health of the servant of God Nikolai Alexandrovich Timofeev. Started to walk. Glory to the goodness, goodness, and omnipotence of God! This is the greatness of human nature, I thought, looking at the Most Pure Icon of the Most Holy Theotokos and the Eternal Child in Her arms! Respect man, and especially Christians, his nature, deified by the Son of God! Fear sin, practice every virtue with all your soul, with all diligence, achieve the honor of the heavenly calling of God in Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:14). This is the greatness of human nature, I thought, looking at the faces of the forefathers, prophets, apostles, evangelists, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all saints! Imitate them to the best of your ability and be like God. Oh, Lady, our glory, our adornment, our greatness, our hope! Our Helper and Intercessor, help us! May 24. I sinned before God: I contaminated the air, my breath and respiratory organs by smoking a cigar in the evening, and it was difficult for me to breathe and sleep at night. A strange dream: I’m serving as a bishop, and everything doesn’t go well for me - neither the vestments, nor the service, I’m afraid of the great entrance and the pronunciation of the names of the royal family; I don’t go out, I stay in the altar: I hear the sexton reading without hesitation, I hear Metropolitan Arseny 78 reading the Gospel loudly, then Christ, the True Light does not finish reading... Archimandrite Nikanor Brovkovich 79 walks and censes extremely picturesquely in a duckweed with blue lapels, like mine, speaks loudly and freely during the metropolitan service; someone opens, as it were, the hatch of the throne itself and begins to smoke devilishly heavily into this hatch, ashes and coal fall down, and are diligently picked up below. These are the opposites of insolence and fear! This is the devil's thing! The lips that glorify God, which so often receive the Most Pure Body and Life-Giving Blood of the Son of God, I have defiled by smoking tobacco 80 and stinked! I sinned before the Lord and before my nature, so revered by God! I repent: forgive, Lord, and return to me the grace of Your Holy Spirit! Amen. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and for the deep, fiery prayer during the all-night vigil (Sunday of Saints, Fathers of the Council of Nicaea): I repented to the Lord that I had subordinated the best in me - the soul - to the worst - the flesh through worldly passions and addictions, through laziness, negligence, gluttony, covetousness, malice, envy, ill will, wickedness, gloating, frivolity, theft, untruth, insincerity in words and deeds, partiality, false fear and false shame and through other countless sins: severity and obstinacy, reproach, cursing, grumpiness, impatience and irritability, pickiness, murmuring, cowardice, ingratiation, evil suspiciousness. He prayed to the Lord to look at everyone, greet everyone, have mercy, cleanse them, direct them to the right path and lead them into the courts of eternity. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great, terrible machinations of the devil twice and three times, firstly, at the sight of Elisaveta Britneva, who seemed to me, by the devil’s action, to be very proud, for which I felt hostility towards her, murderous for me, and, secondly, from embarrassment in the first hour and for strengthening to say the entire prayer to Christ, the true Light. Lord, all-merciful, obedient, quick-to-obey, all-powerful Almighty! I thank You, for You soon heard my humble prayer for rain: I asked three times, and You granted rain three times. God! crying out: creation (all) thirsts for life-giving rain, and You sent a wonderful, life-giving rain - everything at once began to smell fragrant and bloom. God! I thank You, for You transformed enmity and confusion with my wife into peace through the prayer of repentance. After the rain, I wanted to open the windows and frames in some rooms, but she didn’t allow it, she resisted, so as not to catch the children’s colds; I got angry and got upset. I sinned. O precious, oh sweetest, oh brightest image of God, implanted in our souls! How little (sometimes (not at all)) we keep it within ourselves, how little we enlighten it, perfect it through faith, prayer, fasting, meekness, humility, obedience, simplicity, non-covetousness, abstinence, purity, contemplation of God, vigilance, mercy and other good deeds! How careless we are about him! How we defile it with our passions and lusts: anger, malice, envy, pride, contempt, stinginess, covetousness, intemperance, gluttony and drunkenness; fornication, contemplation, deceit, cunning, pretense, rancor, laziness, disobedience. And how much did the Lord love His image? How far did you condescend to him, seeking his renewal and salvation? – Until the day of rabbi 81. And blessed are those true servants of God who understood the greatness of God’s good deeds and the greatness of the image of God of their souls - and were saved. They now shine and smell fragrant in the Kingdom of Heaven. Eating meat always causes a strong stench in the stomach. Do you still think that it is proper and necessary for you, a priest, a communicant of the Holy Mysteries of heaven every day, to eat meat and stink your entrails? - No. This is disgusting to the Spirit of God. Be content with milk, eggs, fish, herbs, fruits, boiled grains. 25th. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of revival in me on this day before the beginning of the liturgy through my prayer and during the liturgy itself in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. Thank you for the heavy rain and thunderstorm at two o'clock in the afternoon. 26th. God! I thank You with all my soul for repeatedly reviving me, deadened by sins, by Your grace, as a result of my repentance from the depths of my soul, for my faith and trust in You. Oh, how desirable and sweet is Your salvation! (At Mass many times, before Matins, then after Vespers, and finally in the chapel of St. Nile of Stolobensky before the All-Night Vigil.) The last time I was angry with the children because they hid my books in an unknown place - however, I soon found that they had been put in a bookcase. May 27. I thank You, Lord, that today You delivered me from the terrible misfortune of the devil because of the sexton’s somewhat hasty singing of some songs at the liturgy: It is worthy and righteous to eat; Holy, Holy, Holy, we sing to You; You are more than wise... Like a fish on ice, I fought with enemies who tormented me with hostile feelings towards the sexton and slandered him... Only by the Lord, through repentance and strong faith and hope in Him, did I get rid of the machinations of the fiery enemy through communion of the Holy Mysteries. I did not see the Light of God in cramped conditions and confusion. My thoughts and feelings regarding the sexton turned out to be untrue: the sexton turned out to be a gentle, simple-hearted lamb, not at all cunning, not stubborn, but obedient. I thank the Lord, who saves me from the deceit of the enemy. The Lord is my rock mountain, or wall, on which I lean securely and do not deceive myself, do not fall, do not break. Let us always hope in You, Lord! The Lord miraculously revived me in the communion of the Holy Mysteries and in the consumption of the Holy Gifts. And at Vespers, the Lord repeatedly saved me clearly from the crowds of the enemy and then, in Gabriel Afanasyev’s apartment in Ivanov’s house before the prayer service, especially at home in the evening, after an angry argument with my wife regarding the summoning of my nephew to Kronstadt. I am proud, willful, stubborn, hot-tempered, irritable, persistent, impatient, unyielding. The words of my wife regarding my nephew Ivan, after a mature and comprehensive discussion, turn out to be fair and worthy of respect. The Most Holy Lady Theotokos reflected all the Divine perfections of Her Son and God, all His beauty, all the goodness, all the holiness, all the fragrance of His Divine virtues, all His mind, all His meekness, all His humility and kindness, all His long-suffering, all His lordship. How fragrant is the vessel in which the precious ointment was and continues to be! And the Most Holy Theotokos received into Herself the spiritual, all-fragrant Myrrh - the Lord, whose name is Myrrh poured out. Glory to Thee, Lady! I thank the Lady, as she surprised me with Her great Motherly mercy, granting me, a sinner, abundant tenderness and abundant tears of repentance when reading the canon to Her, Hodegetria, and as she granted wondrous peace to my soul. How many things I just imagine, imagine, dream about due to the action of the sin living in me and the disembodied enemy that confuses me! But I must constantly walk in the truth of God, surrender to the will of God, be at peace within myself, endure, be good-natured, and not get carried away by the dreams of my heart and head, and not be afraid of the ghosts of the enemy. Thank You, Lord, for the childlike, peaceful and loving mood of the soul of my wife Elizabeth. Grant me, Lord, to sincerely love her and always be at peace with her, to bear with her, tolerating and long-suffering in kindness and forgiving her, as a weak and sinful person, for her mistakes and sins. I thank the Lord for the grace of the stumbling-free service of Matins. Behold, always grant me to serve You, Lord! (It is worthy for the priest to adorn himself with a golden pectoral cross, as a servant of the Lord of glory.) When I serve, then I am a man, and when I do not serve in the church, then I am a beast. If we correctly evaluate all people, then they are below all vanity, they are all vanity of vanities (Eccl. 1:2), empty, and I am the first. 28th. I thank the Lord for the successful service of the liturgy, requiem, prayers, for the wedding of two marriages, without stumbling, meaningful, heartfelt, and gracious. Glory to Thee, Lord! And thank you for the morning. 29th. I thank the Lord for the gracious, meaningful, heartfelt, sweet service of Matins and for deliverance from the wiles of the enemy. I sinned before the Lord by not satisfying the poor and not giving them meagerly from my heart. That’s why I suffer a lot, I’m burning in my soul. I myself have everything from the Lord, for I am the greatest sinner and, moreover, lazy and idle. Have mercy on me, Lord! God! I thank You that I found great mercy, great deliverance at the throne of Thy glory in Thy church, when in extreme sorrow and spiritual distress I fled to Thy sanctuary and in repentance, faith and hope fell at the seat of Thy holiness. I left peaceful, comforted, with space in my heart. Then he went home. I served the Liturgy complacently, having a feeling of Your great mercy and tears of tenderness and gratitude. I thank You, Lord, that You surround me with the joys of deliverance. Upon communion of the Holy Mysteries - life-giving fire in the mouth and throughout the whole being and the greatest bliss. Glory to the Lord! But I acted extremely recklessly at home during dinner, greedily eating a lot of meat and green sauce with eggs, and then going to bed and sleeping for about two hours. Excess nutrition along with unusual sleep were extremely harmful to my spirit and offensive to the grace that lives in me after communion of the Holy Mysteries. This affected both the evening service and especially the baptism of the baby at Yatskevich’s in the customs office. I could not control my heart when the enemy attacked me: I was confused in mind and heart and could not speak many words (due to the temptation of the silk scarf). From gluttony, my heart becomes coarser, turns to stone (like sowing stones (Luke 13:20)), falls into the unity of this corruptible world, falls away from the love of God and neighbor, becoming incapable of loving God - a spiritual Being, the simplest, the purest, the most holy - as clinging to the corruptible things of this world, to carnal lust, lust eyes and worldly pride. There is great benefit from fasting for our soul, from non-covetousness, from humility, meekness, patience, obedience, labor for the glory of God and the benefit of our neighbors and ourselves. The material corruption of this world, the corruption of passions, sins, and iniquities, engulfs me in a stormy, muddy stream. Deliver me, O God, from aphids, as you are a Lover of Mankind. Hallowed be Thy name. These words inspire us to constantly strive for holiness and perfection, to avoid sin constantly and not to become stagnant in sins. May your kingdom come. These words inspire us to hate the dominion of sin in us, which reigns in us in countless forms, cutting us off from God and from His life, disfiguring us, perverting all our mental and physical powers (our entire being) and plunging us into countless snares, sorrows, misfortunes, troubles, illnesses, into spiritual and physical death. Thy will be done as it is in heaven and on earth. This petition inspires us to subordinate our will, created, imperfect, corrupted, sinful, blind, evil, weak, to the will of God - creative, all-perfect, right, holy, omnipotent, eternal, all-good, for our good and bliss. This is the will of God - your holiness (1 Thess. 4:3). What emotional sorrow there was yesterday because of meat-eating and egg-eating! What heartlessness in the struggle. As a result of yesterday's meat-eating and egg-eating (a consequence of satiety), a fornication temptation occurred this night, and yesterday after dinner and sleep I was an easy prey for the ethereal enemy. Help, Lord, not to eat meat or eggs, grant me firm determination. There are enough cases of nightly, unclean ghosts to avoid eating meat and eggs for the sake of uncleanness of soul and body. Damn man I am! I sin constantly and do not feel, I do not lament my sins, I do not tremble, I do not shed tears. Lord, have mercy and save me; God! Cleanse yourself, giving me tears of tenderness. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the wonderful and great salvation that was revealed to my soul in front of the holy icons, when I prayed in great spiritual sorrow after the christening at the customs house at Yatskevich and strong embitterment from invisible enemies. For a long time I did not find relief and consolation, praying only internally, but I came home, raised my hands in front of the holy icons - and was at peace. Glory to the Lord! May 30. Friday. I thank the Lord, who, by His ineffable mercy, delivered me today at the end of Matins and at the beginning of Mass from the bitter and grave temptation of hostile forces upon the arrival of psalm-reader Poletaev to church (who spoke ill of me in some houses); I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength to overcome hostility and change it to love. I realized that he is not an enemy, but my benefactor and friend, because he speaks about me, although bad, but the truth, and many others flatter me, magnify me, extol me not according to my merits, from which I myself am seriously screwed 83 . So, I calmed down completely and served mass in grace, peacefully, cheerfully, courageously, without stumbling, loudly. I praise the boundless mercy of my Lord. What are we worried about when we offer prayers for you in church and perform the Sacraments? About the eternal salvation of your souls, about our eternal union, consisting of pure love and joy for each other. Woe to us if our prayers remain only here, in the air, and beat the same air, without penetrating our hearts, without uniting souls with the union of the love of Christ, without contributing to their purification, correction, sanctification, correction, peace, love, Christian perfection, with all the grace-filled power of prayers and the Sacraments. I sinned against the Lord, both before people and before myself, that I was ashamed or afraid yesterday at the vespers of the hieromonk of the Nevsky Lavra and did not pronounce all the petitions of the great, petitionary and intense litany, did not pronounce these beautiful, sublime prayers filled with the great love of Christ, these holy words that dominate over the whole world, over all centuries, over all minds - these words of the Holy Spirit, equally important and precious for the king and the nobleman, and for the bishop and archpriest, for the rich and the poor, for the official and the clerk, for the general and the soldier, for the man and the woman, for the old man and the young man. But by God’s grace I overcame the invisible enemy besetting me, when I decided to stand firmly against him and against my weakness during the dispensation and the final litany at Compline, and I spoke every word in a slow recitative. Glory to the Lord! May 31st. He sinned against the Lord by being upset with the sexton for some irregularity in the service of funeral matins (Trinity Saturday) and being extremely embarrassed. For a long time the enemy tyrannized me, inflaming and hellishly oppressing my heart. Litany could not speak. Thanks to Father Deacon A. Taratin: he said a petitionary and intense litany. Christ, the true Light, did not say everything. The release was hushed up. It was bitter. He clung to the throne (the Pokrovsky chapel) like a leech, with repentance, prayer, and hope - and the Lord had mercy and healed him. Glory! By the grace of God he performed mass well. Received life-giving communion. Fire in the mouth and in the heart. Glory and thanksgiving! During an exam in fourth grade, I was angry, worried, and laughing (nervous). June 1st. Cloudy and cool, rain all night. At night I almost became defiled twice from dreams - the holy Guardian Angel saved me. The reason for the dreams was drinking in excess of sweet tea, sauterne 84 and milk in the evening (I had not eaten anything since the evening). So I cried yesterday while reading the akathist to the Holy Trinity, and then I myself prepared a substance and a lever for sin, I mean drinking milk. Oh, intemperance! Greed, gluttony! I have sinned against the Lord! I do not have generosity, patience, or condescension for the mistakes of my neighbor, although I myself am extremely weak and often faulty in many ways, although sometimes due to weakness. Yesterday the sexton caused a minor disturbance in the church, and I inwardly became embittered at him, despised him, and thereby wounded myself extremely; He was completely calm, and he’s doing well: he shouldn’t respond to my insane anger every time! He is meek, humble, silent, patient, calm, even - I need to learn from him how to behave: I am hot, cool. Yesterday, during the exam, I was annoyed with the students, but Father Alexander Perov behaved superbly, generously, asked questions to the students very efficiently and made me feel better. I was surprised at his intelligence and questions. He practically proposed questions: if the student reads a member of the Creed, he will force him to first tell it in his own words and generally induces self-activity of reason. I paid little attention to it. The fourth grade students turned out to be poorly developed and knowledgeable, especially Ivanov, Danilov... I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to loudly and smoothly celebrate the Liturgy on the day of this Holy Trinity (except for speaking the royal family: I was embarrassed and did not speak, especially about the Empress, may the Lord God remember her in His Kingdom always, now... and grant them to Your holy Churches). I read all the prayers with feeling, without stumbling. Received life-giving communion. The sinful aphid constantly invades my soul through all kinds of deception: through carnal sweetness, through malice, through fear and embarrassment, through envy, laziness, laughter, despondency, ill will, gloating, negligence, covetousness, and so on... Oh, how we must be on guard for every hour, every minute. I visited an English pastor and talked with him. He talks beautifully about the equality of all people when they stand in church; just as the dead lying in the cemetery are all equal, so those who come to church are all equal before God. Do not see it on the faces of men, for there is a judgment of God (Deut. 1:17). His English parishioners are dissatisfied with him for his truth and integrity in the church. Every time during all services, in the litanies of great, special, small and petitionary, you hear the prayers of the Church for all people, for the whole world, a reminder of the Mother of God and all the saints with the exhortation to give yourself, each other and your whole life to Christ our God. Know from this your close affinity with all people, especially with Orthodox Christians, your affinity with all the saints, with all the inhabitants of heaven and with the Head Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ, who most sincerely shared our flesh and blood; try, try to live worthy of such kinship - holy, incorruptible, eternal; love each other sincerely, help each other, be forgiving, tolerate each other, strive for good deeds. Remember how perfect and holy the Guardian Angel is, your ever-present companion, and fear all sin; remember how holy and perfect our Lady Theotokos is, the Head of mental education 85, and be extremely careful of all sin and try in every possible way to do all good and achieve all perfection; remember how all-holy, all-perfect is the Head of the Holy Church, the Lord Jesus Christ, and not with a single thought, not with a single sinful movement of the Heart, not with a single word, not only with an unkind deed, do not grieve His infinite goodness, you who are called and be a member of Him; remember how all-holy, all-perfect the Holy Spirit is, reviving and sanctifying you, living in you as in His church, strengthening, enlightening, delivering and comforting you, and be afraid to grieve Him with just one unclean or passionate thought of this multi-passionate life. Consider how you walk dangerously, not as if you were unwise, but as if you were wise, redeeming time, for the evil of the day is 86 (Eph. 5:15-16). June 3. I thank the Lord for happily enduring the struggle with the opposing forces that cruelly embarrassed and oppressed me with fear, melancholy and loss of spirit before the prayer service on the “Sagittarius” monitor 87. Grace won as a result of my most fervent prayer - I calmed down and served the prayer service loudly, purely, boldly, without stumbling. Glory to the Lord! Then, in the district court, the enemy again fiercely fought, confused, oppressed me, especially with unclean movements of the heart, fear, anguish - and again grace won in me: I read the oath for the most part calmly, boldly, with dignity, especially when I began to read the Gospel to myself, sitting on a chair. Glory to the Lord! I will always thank You, O most merciful Lord, for You are my joy, my hope, my help, my protection, my glory! God! Justify me before my enemies who persecute me, before visible enemies - before the commander Peter, who deprives me of my due, and not the boss, but, as I think, his treacherous friend, Archpriest Pavel Lamanov - otherwise 49 You weigh this, Lord! I must love them and pray for them and do good to them. If I am mistaken about them, Lord, and they are not my enemies, for I have not done them any harm, then forgive me and blot out every thought, every feeling of hostility towards them and grant me complete love and goodwill towards them. Amen. I have no enemies - I am my own enemy, my pride, my passions, my unsociability at the table. June 5th. Very warm, clear. God! I thank You for my peace of mind during the testing of Your (and mine) eighth grade students and for their kind answers. I asked for this grace, and You, the much-merciful and generous Provider of everyone and in everything useful, granted me this grace. I thank You, my joy, my truth, my mercy, at this hour for the salvation that has just been accomplished in me by Your grace. (I was hostile to beggars.) I am a baker and cupbearer according to the order of the priesthood, for I serve and distribute the true Bread of the Body of Christ and the true Wine of the Blood of the Lord to the believers. However, the true Baker and the true Cupbearer is the Lord Jesus. Are you closer to God, gentlemen, crusaders, bearers of gold and enamel crosses on red ribbons; Do you love Him and your neighbors more ardently, do your crosses make your neighbors, the weak, the oppressed and the poor, for whom you have been appointed leaders, mentors, patrons, helpers, shepherds, warmer, more joyful, who expect from you words of compassion, consolation and often material assistance? Do you become taller, morally better, more selfless, hanging your breasts with so many signs of selfless Love, who laid down His belly for people? On the contrary, aren’t you becoming more self-loving, aren’t you prouder, aren’t the worms of ambition growing in you more, gnawing at your heart and infecting it more and more with the stench of corruption and the desire for more; Are you not becoming more inaccessible, more irritable, ticklish, harsher, more intolerable to others, especially to subordinates and the poor? Are you not becoming more money-loving, more vain, more luxurious in external surroundings, more wasteful on empty things and pleasures? And this is a terrible step back to the abyss, and then your honors will lead to greater condemnation and punishment. Oh, let us never forget the words of our Savior, that whoever wants to be greater than others must be a slave to all and a servant to all (Mark 10:43-44), but without dominating others. History, civil history! Why do you boast of your impartiality? - you are extremely biased, you flatter all the powerful of this world and portray their deeds as too glorious and brilliant, you often attribute to them sublime and multi-useful intentions, which they did not have at all, while you are silent about their bad deeds, making sinful people like Angels. This is not the story that the heavenly angels write about the powerful and noble of this world; God does not think about them the way you think about them. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord. But as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts higher than your thoughts (Isa. 55:8-9). Many, many whom you extol to heaven have been brought down to the very bottom of hell. Now, living on earth, I constantly contemplate the greatest, life-giving, peaceful, joyful consequences of the redemption of me and the people who believe by the Lord Jesus, but after death, these wondrous consequences of such a wondrous depletion for us of the Son of God will be revealed even more, in greater proportions, in greater strength; Then I will see most of all how much the Lord has done for us, from what enemies He saved us by His incarnation, cross and resurrection, from what torments He delivered me. God! Glory to You! June 5. Hot. Eleven o'clock. On Friday, June 6, there was a terrible thunderstorm with a storm, in five minutes all the streets were flooded - the rivers began to flow; the lightning spread into a bright flame, fiery snakes kept hovering in the air, and the peals of thunder became stronger and stronger; the storm broke the trees. I constantly crossed myself, prayed and praised God, so majestic in thunder, lightning and storms. June 7. I thank the Lord for serving the early liturgy, this most heavenly, all-saving Sacrament. I could not pronounce the royal family name due to weakness and fear of demons. He took communion for salvation. I praise the Lord. Oh, how I became fussy, damned one, and for the sake of my vanity I lost my heart from love for the Lord and from caring for souls and the salvation of my soul! Having received the rank of archpriest, I am now thinking about receiving the Order of St. Anne, 2nd degree, and I don’t know why (as if the Righteous Judge will punish me for not receiving it) and forgetting about the bad state of what is in me in the image of God - the soul, the immortal being. So I spent the night in insomnia and in some kind of absurd struggle of thoughts, and my heart was cold. God, the object of desire, the Source of life, light, peace, joy, disappeared from the heart, the Lord righteously abhorred me, for I grovel in corruption and have turned my eyes away from things above. June 10. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me through the communion of the Divine Mysteries at the early liturgy (from Father Matthew) and who sent me the light of reason to defeat the evil machinations of demons (anger at the sexton for a faulty tune in singing, and dogmatics is involved). The movement of the voice is incorrect - this is an appearance of little importance, but the spirit of love, meekness, patience, peace or the spirit of enmity, bitterness - this is a matter of enormous importance in the eyes of God, and in the eyes of sane people. I thank the Lord for the victory of His grace in me over opposing forces. How weak and poor in love I am! I thank the Lady Theotokos, the Most Quick Intercessor, who pacified and consoled me, confused and sad, through the reading of the canon to Her, Hodegetria, on Wednesday evening. The sleep was excellent, peaceful, healthy. Glory to Thee, Most Holy Mother of God! When there is no service of God and especially the liturgy, when I do not hear or read the words of God, then I am the most pitiful person, without peace, without space and joy in my heart, then for me everything in the world is nothing. So, of course, for many. This is how important the service of God, prayer, doxology, thanksgiving, the Sacraments and the word of God are for our souls! Why? - Because in serving God and in the Sacraments our true spiritual life, both temporary and eternal, lies - the source of living water. Therefore, those who leave the church, worship, and the Sacraments leave the source of living water for the destruction of their souls and dig themselves leaky wells that cannot hold this water in themselves (Jer. 2:13). As brothers, we must feel sorry for them and beg the merciful God for them, that He may direct them to living springs, so that they do not perish from spiritual thirst, and do not dry out with spiritual hunger. The first reward for someone who sincerely prays is peace in the soul, which manifests itself especially in the eyes, as a mirror of the soul, light in the soul, reflected immediately on the face, according to Scripture: Come to Him and be enlightened, or: the light of Your countenance is shining upon us, O Lord (Ps. 33:6; 4:7)! Then there is strength in the soul, or spiritual energy, which manifests itself in the body, which becomes not weakened, but strong, imbued with life and strength in all members. Warriors of Christ - and we have a constant war without a truce with the devil, with our passions and with the sinful world, with its corrupt customs, rules, with its spirit. Again fasting, again the Church calls us to spiritual exploits, again clothes her spiritual warriors in weapons of war: in armor, a shield, a spiritual helmet, girds a sword on the spiritual thighs (Eph. 6:14-17), again commands us to watch, fast, pray, study in the word of God, confess and eat spiritual food: the Divine Body and the Most Pure Blood Our Savior, for we, all of you, must know this, beloved brethren, and strictly distinguish the fasting time from the non-fasting one, as a particularly saving time, a time especially pleasing to the Lord. It is true that it is always proper and proper for a Christian to be fully armed against sins and spirits of wickedness in high places, against his many-passionate flesh and the adulterous world - he must always be abstinent, sober, chaste, but during fasting this is especially required of him: that is what fasting is for, to pacify the arrogant and violent flesh, to mortify the passions that kill us and to win a brilliant victory over sins by grace Lord Jesus Christ. Does this actually happen? Do we fast strictly? Do we try to tame passions, do we maintain abstinence in everything - in our eyes, in our tongue, in our words, in our taste, in our eating and drinking, in our thoughts, in our imagination, and in all our deeds? Unfortunately and extremely sadly, no: the current fast is barely different from the usual fast time for many of us. Many, it’s true, have changed their food, but they don’t think of changing their morals, their hearts, their inclinations (including, I think, me, a sinner! Oh, my damnation and obscenity!), but many have not changed either one or the other and remain what they were and what they were, or even worse! Oh, our curse, oh, especially my curse and lewdness! How long will we, how long will I especially use God’s long-suffering for evil? How long will we use the Church’s constant care for our salvation for evil? Here the Lord Himself and His holy apostles preach to us about the need for fasting by their very deeds, for the Lord Himself fasted for fourty days and nights, the apostles fasted always and especially before going out to preach the Gospel, but we do not like to fast, but love to be satiated, drunken, play and have fun; We don’t like to watch and pray, but to sleep and be lazy; we don’t like to change for the better, but to remain with our old sins. Long-suffering Lord! You yourself change us, and we will change - without You we will forever remain old sinners, old gluttons, old adulterers, old lovers of money, old spendthrifts or freethinkers, crafty people: just as an Ethiopian (Arab) has his skin, but a lynx cannot change his motley colors (Jer. 13:23), so we are sin-loving, nasty, crafty, your evil and blasphemous heart. Meanwhile, death is getting closer and closer, and the evil adversary takes hold of our hearts more and more, stronger and stronger and knows no rest - he works in us and around us to our destruction day and night, and judgment is at the door: the formidable and righteous Judge has long ago prepared His throne for judgment. What should we do, brother sinners? – We must immediately declare war on sin, which is killing us, put on our weapons of war, the armor of faith and love, the helmet of the hope of salvation, take in our hands the spiritual sword - the word of God, the Holy Gospel, command ourselves to fast, pray, heartfelt repentance of sins and take the firm intention to resist all-destructive sin until death and follow Christ. We are encouraged and encouraged to do this by the holy apostles Peter and Paul and the apostles Peter and Andrew, James and John, now mentioned in the Gospel. The Lord called them from fishing to follow Him, and they, leaving everything: the boat, the fishing nets, their parents’ house, their families and their wives, immediately followed the Lord. Here is an amazing example of obedience to the Lord and abandonment of all attachment to the world and its blessings for the sake of the Lord! And eternal life with the Lord in heaven, an eternally blissful, carefree, all-content life, of course, is worth sacrificing everything dear to you in the world! And the apostles, martyrs, hierarchs of the Lord, saints, righteous people and all the saints whom the Church commemorated last Sunday sacrificed everything. What are we looking at and not seeing? What are we expecting? Is it the last hour? Is it an ax for a mortal who cuts down dry trees and throws them into eternal fire? It must be so. How stupid we are! Fools, similar to those foolish virgins spoken of in the parable of the Savior (Matthew 25: 1 - 12). Let us wake up, let us rise from the sleep of sin and try to acquire an abundant supply of oil, or good deeds, bring repentance, and change our lives for a better one. You, Lord, have rewarded and honored me with a gift that is higher than any gift, an honor that is higher than any honor - the gift and honor of the priesthood, the gift and honor of bearing Your highest dignity, the gift of performing Your terrible Mysteries - Your Most Pure Body and Your Most Pure Blood, and to partake of them so often; the gift of reviving people with water and spirit in the Sacrament of Baptism and with the word of teaching and power in the Sacrament of Repentance; to be gifted with You, to have You within me, to sincerely communicate with You, to be Your portion, Your church; freely to pray for Your people, to raise their children to the heavenly homeland. What is before this rank, before this honor, all the earthly ranks, except the royal one, what are all the earthly honors, all the orders, all the ranks with which the man of this world boasts, which he covets as the highest good? - nothing, dust, smoke, steam, dream, ghost. June 14. I thank the Lord, who saved me from despondency, sorrow and distress when I was upset with Mr. Director for his untruth and who gave me peace, freedom, strength, life, light, boldness when I called on the Lord with all my heart in hope. I thank the Lord, who cleansed my heart from sensual, sinful love through my prayer (for I am free and must desire truth and loathe and hate sin). In the church is our purification, our shrine, our strength, our praise, our Glory, our life, our joy. The Lord God, the Most Holy Theotokos, the Powers of Heaven (one Church of Angels and Men 89), the Forerunner, apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, righteous - the most excellent part of humanity, attested by God. In the world - sin, passions, constant desecration, relaxation of the soul, our dishonor, our death. Woe to those who are excommunicated from the church! A moral being is first of all entitled to a shrine, as an inalienable property: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name! The debt to the sexton is June 14, 30 kopecks. God! I thank You, for Your life-giving and all-powerful Hand touched me many times in a saving, life-giving way on this day: firstly, after communion of the Holy Mysteries at the Liturgy (late Sunday mass), secondly, during Vespers or, better yet, at Compline, upon falling to the altar, thirdly, on the way to the customs office for a memorial service, fourthly, on the way from customs and then many times. Glory to Thy righteousness, glory to Thy goodness, glory to Thy goodness and condescension, glory to Thy invincible power, O Lord! But forgive me, Lord, my secret murmur and my impatience, my insolence before You during the service of the prayer service in the seventh carriage near the Summer Garden with the sailor: it was extremely difficult for me. God! I dared to offer up to You a prayer for sending down the gift of Your mercy and bounties of material wealth to Your verbal creation Anna, my sister by wife: give her these blessings, for You give blessings to those who ask You with faith. Only let him fulfill his vows. Wake up! June 15, 1875. Twelfth o'clock in the evening. How I always make mistakes in my carnal calculations! Last night I drank quite a lot of milk and then tea, I thought that my voice would be good the next day and my heart would be wide and free (like my chest), but instead I felt extreme weakness, heaviness, petrification and powerlessness, timidity of the heart behind the poverty; at the great entrance he could not speak the names of the royal family; he was irritable (at the watchman because he came to get some air: he wanted to please me, but I was angry with him); the voice was extremely weak and rattling. My carnal wisdom is vain! Extreme abstinence is required! How many negligence, laziness, important omissions I made in my service at the gymnasium, omissions that could not help but have a harmful effect on the students (failure to punish for ignorance of the necessary prayers, failure on my part to check whether everyone knows the prayers, whether everyone in each class knows the science according to the Law of God thoroughly, clearly, firmly, unpreparedness for the class) - and I, out of blind pride, not noticing shortcomings and omissions in myself, wish for another order, reward and I complain about the director, I’m upset, although, it’s true, he seemed treacherous in some cases! No, I am not worthy of a reward: my reward is a salary that fully rewards me for my work; my reward is the very teaching of the Law of God, sweeter than honey with my mouth, good than a thousand gold and silver (Ps. 119; 103, 72); This teaching distracted me from countless sins, rewarded me with knowledge, experience in speech and presentation of thoughts, greater firmness of faith and piety, gave and is giving me an honorable place in society. I thank the Lord for this! I also thank the authorities for not interfering with my teaching and not bothering me. Do with my enemies and slanderers as you do, bring them to reason and correct them, for there are some of them who breathe contempt and hatred towards me. Reward them according to their deeds soon, especially (Semyon) Nikolaev. Remind him of Your mercies, O Lord, which he has forgotten. For my unsociability, for my refusal to go to my colleagues and for my failure to invite them to my house, my colleagues at the gymnasium do not favor me. And I am guilty, and they are fair, Lord! Forgive me, Lord! Let them go, Lord! Unite us with brotherly love. I've heard for a long time that they don't live together. Instruct the head of the gymnasium too! Glory to the wonderful renewal brought into my being by the faith of the Lord! For every day and many times I am renewed after the decay of sin, when I cry out to the Lord in sincere repentance! I am mistaken and maddened by sins every day and hour, and I fall into sinful death every day and hour, but faith, repentance, prayer renew me every day and hour. Glory to the Lord and His faith! When the Lord is with me, what should I grieve about, what should I desire? He is the end of all desires, He is my infinite good, my treasure. All earthly blessings are nothing before Him. Glory to Thee, Lord, the most perfect good of mine and of all those who sincerely cling to Thee! June 15, 1875. Resurrection. First hour of the night. Light. God! I thank You, for You have granted me, unworthy, in Your Church not a servile, but a sovereign place (priesthood), although I had a cleric as a father; Grant me, Lord, to live in accordance with such a high service and not to be a slave to my passions, but to be free from all evil, all corrupting passions, and to have Your freedom, Christ, with which You freed us. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Cor. 3:17). June 16. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me and miraculously revived me through the communion of the Divine Mysteries, although the enemy tempted me terribly, roaring at me like a lion seeking to devour me. The deacon sang Sunday troparia instead of the sacrament, then the dogmatist; the devil aroused rage in my heart against him for his tyranny. But did he sing contrary to the spirit of the Church or inappropriate with the times? Before mass and during mass, I felt extreme weakness, tightness, thorns goring inside, unbearable drowsiness - after communion everything disappeared, new life appeared, Health, Strength, calm. Before mass, the enemy stammered greatly: he was wounded by the desire for the order. What do I, unworthy, desire? Should I only appear before people's eyes, should I show off, should I show off my appearance, without having real merits and good deeds? Does God judge me the way I judge myself or people judge me? O righteous God, test my hearts and bellies and know all the multitude of my vile sins, all my wickedness, laziness, my negligence, my malice, uncleanness, my lasciviousness, worldly addiction, envy, self-love, pride, hard-heartedness, love of money, vanity, partiality, man-pleasing, gluttony, insincerity, lack of love, ill-will and others passion! What if You pronounced Your righteous judgment on me? Where would I be then? Isn't it in the underworld? But now You are patient with me, waiting for my repentance and humility with tears, and instead of sackcloth I put on soft vestments and adorn myself with gold, and I desire even more, the greater glory of this world! O hypocrite, lover of glory! Oh, rabble! Oh, the grave is covered! O worm that creeps in the dust! Do you look at others who have been awarded more than you? “They are a thousand times better than you.” Humble yourself, sit in the dust, wash your face with incessant tears. Here is your glory and honor, your adornment! On June 16, at noon or later, a leak of scrofulous matter opened in my right ear, which had not been there for over a year. In the morning I felt very unwell: there were like prickly or goring thorns inside, I felt terribly stiff, weak throughout my body, irritable in my spirit. The life-giving Mysteries drove my scrofula out. Right! Lenten food, pies and fish are partly the reason for this. June 17. I thank the Lord, who showed me His wonderful help and mercy before communion and especially after communion of His Divine Mysteries against my fierce invisible enemies, who hellishly wounded and fought me; I thank the Lord, who pacified and miraculously revived me, who pacified and expanded my heart, who brought joy to my humble soul. After mass, I, mad and passionate, became angry with a half-naked beggar who demanded money from me (secondarily) for boots, and hit him on the legs with a cane; when he came to our yard, asking for money, I hit him on the shoulder with a cane in my anger, and both times I was greatly wounded in my soul, embarrassed, fell into distress, shame, despondency, powerlessness - trouble, and that’s all. But I cried out with tenderness and faith to the Lord at home and then before Kuvshinnikov’s prayer service at the laying of the second floor, and the most merciful Lord again extended his hand of help and salvation, and I again made the world better with God. Glory to the all-good, long-suffering and benevolent Lord! He performed the prayer service well. I ask the Lord for mercy and forgiveness for the fact that at the snack after the prayer service at Kuvshinnikovaya, I ate a quick pie with fish and drank wine shortly after communion of the terrible, heavenly, life-giving Mysteries, and sniffed tobacco, allowing myself this whim, for it is said: do not please the flesh in lust (Rom. 13:14). I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to pronounce a special litany at Vespers, when the disembodied enemy plunged me into fear, hopelessness and despair. I took it with perseverance and courage, with the help of God’s grace. I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength and boldness to firmly speak exclamations at the memorial service at Timofeev’s and boldly pronounce the dismissal when turning my face to the people in the main corner. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from sins in the evening and during the day, when I ran to the Lord in repentance. Glory, glory, glory! My beauty is the Holy Trinity. My wealth, glory, strength, honor and power. I am Her house, dwelling; She is my adoration, my eternal life. Christ the Lord is my beauty, my robe of glory, my incorruptibility, deification. The image of God in my soul is a high dignity, given to me on an equal basis not only with my brothers, equal to me in rank, education and inferior to me, but also on an equal basis with bishops and kings. I am happy, triumphant, jumping and praising God, the impartial Father of all. That which for a time, in this life, distinguishes me from the king and the bishop, although great, is not greater than the image of God in my soul and in their souls, but less, for it is not essential, but an appendage, belongs to them, for a while, and the image of God, equal in me and in them, is our essential and eternal property. All other differences: honors, decorations, orders, crosses, panagias, magnificent chambers, etc. - do not even compare with the human soul, which in itself, as the image of God, is infinitely more honest than all this. What do I need the orders and distinctions of this world? They are a burden to my soul, they are only until the grave - after death they are nothing. Father, Son, Holy Spirit, Trinity Consubstantial, Life-giving - this is my order, my beauty, my glory, my joy. I sinned against the Lord by committing malice in my heart against my brother Vladimir, the reader (at the morning memorial service), through the devil’s delusion. But I thank the Lord, who gave me repentance and quickly accepted this from my unworthiness, and destroyed the cause of enmity in me, and gave me peace. And during Matins the enemy incited me to become embittered against the reader Vladimir: he whispered that he was an adulterer, constantly lying around with his wife, but I had to say: marriage is honest and the bed is undefiled (Heb. 13:4), but I did not say it within myself. But he overpowered me. Glory to the Lord, for the word of the psalm is coming true over us: a thousand and darkness will fall... at your right hand 91, but it will not come close to you: behold your eyes and see the reward of sinners 92 (Ps. 90:7-9). Many houses burned near us, but the flames did not touch us, we are still intact. Glory to the beneficent Lord! Catch the foxes, the little foxes that spoil our vineyards (our souls). Foxes and fox cubs are sins of all evil, for example, fornication, gluttony, drunkenness, love of money, envy, pride, laziness, negligence, disobedience, hypocrisy, flattery, wickedness, blasphemy, etc. The Savior said well: foxes have sores (Russian: holes), and birds of heaven (evil spirits) have nests: But the Son of Man does not have a place to bow your head (Luke 9:58). I have foxes and cubs constantly nesting, but the Son of God has no place to lay his head. Alas for me! Hate every sin with all your soul, for it defiles and corrupts the image of God in you and removes you from God, which is the greatest, eternal misfortune, eternal misfortune. On the night from the 17th to the 18th, a prodigal temptation occurred because I ate cold pike without need at night, ate pie with eggs as a snack, drank enough wine, and at home ate fresh fish soup and fresh fish in abundance. Nature has vomited out excess: intemperance is to blame! Lord, have mercy! (How quickly breaking the fast entails fornication!) When praying, we must have the following confidence about God, the Mother of God, the Angels and the saints: 1) he hears, 2) he can and 3) wants to fulfill our righteous desire, and 4) he will fulfill, if I earnestly ask, without any doubt, he will fulfill it as He pleases. There was a terrible fight today during Matins with ethereal enemies: they set fire to extreme anger against sexton Zrelov and thereby embarrassed, pressed, and fired. It was necessary to fall a lot and strongly, with all my heart, to the One who sits on the throne, so that he would deliver me from the malice of the enemy. And this is because of gluttony, satiety, my drunkenness and for breaking the fast. This kind comes only through prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:21). We have two voices and two forces, constantly drawing us, one to earth, to sin, the other to heaven, to virtue; one - to decay and decay, the other - to spirit, incorruptibility and eternity; one - to anger, voluptuousness, uncleanness, greed, covetousness, the other - to love, a harsh way of life, to holiness, abstinence, non-covetousness: these forces are flesh and spirit, the old and the new man. Either one takes over or the other, more often old than new. A daily, every minute struggle between them: one, through the sweetness and charm of sin, seeks to destroy both soul and body, the other, through bitterness, the difficulty of virtue, to revive and lead to eternal, unblemished life in God. One degrades all that is holy, alienates, turns away from all that is holy - the other wholeheartedly reveres all that is holy and becomes attached to it with all his soul, because he sees in it perfection, true life, the land of desires and hopes, which the old man does not see in him, placing his hope in earthly, sinful things. One does not tolerate humiliation from people and seeks glory and honor in this world, mostly in the wrong ways, by man-pleasing, ingratiation, and rejoices at every sign of vanity, - the other, the new man, seeks humiliation, is comforted, enjoys it as food, rejoices in it as a treasure, as a due reward for his countless sins, with which he has dishonored the image of God in himself and God Himself; one rejoices in shiny, beautiful, sweet decay, such as: treasures, distinctions, shiny clothes, golden jewelry, colored, rainbow ribbons, brilliant decoration of a home, carriage and the like - the other is burdened by this vanity, because of which a person falls away from God, constantly violates His commandments, falling into luxury, cruelty and unmercifulness towards others; one loves to flatter, to hang around the noble and rich - the other loves to tell everyone the truth, sometimes very unpleasant, because he considers everyone equal by nature, wants goodness and to be virtuous for everyone, and is afraid of angering the Lord with his silence and his flattery where the truth needs to be told. During the liturgy before the Great Entrance and at the Great Entrance, I was embarrassed, constrained, consumed, deadened by all my spiritual desires and aspirations, by the desire for earthly distinction, the Order of St. Anna, 2nd degree, although I tried to humiliate this vain, ambitious, earthly, temporary, perishable, insignificant distinction, which elevates me only before people, and then only before a few. At the great entrance, my heart was so paralyzed (amazed) that I barely spoke to the empress, heir and heiress. Then he repented bitterly and received mercy, peace and freedom from the Lord. Do we look at the cross with spiritual eyes like the holy Apostle Paul, who said: I do not want to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world (Gal. 6:14)! Do we so boast in the cross that through it the world was crucified to us and we were crucified to the world? Isn't it the opposite? Doesn’t a love of peace now reign in us through these crosses, and because of them, aren’t we completely attached to the vain world? True. At the end of the liturgy, I was embarrassed for absolutely no reason, in vain - because the sexton Vladimir Zrelov sang the sacrament psalm rather quietly instead of the sacrament. I wanted him to be involved and dogmatic. Why, how embarrassed I was, the cowardly one, by the action of the devil! The mass ended and everything dispersed. During this temptation, how much strength, help, and deliverance was shown to me from the Lord - I cannot tell you for the sake of the multitude, the obviousness. Glory to the Lord, who protects me from opposing forces! In communion of the Holy Mysteries I received purification, sanctification, peace, life, freedom, space, joy. Let us leave our debtor, remembering that all people are weak, prone to evil and subject to countless temptations from demons who teach and incite evil. And we ourselves, who write this, experience this constantly. We must pray for all those who sin or who treat us unfavorably, coldly, carelessly, proudly or hostilely, so that the Lord will correct them, soften them, humble them, enlighten them, strengthen them in good dispositions and save them. This is the only reliable means of making enemies friends, and faulty people healthy, while our heart, due to natural malice, increased and strengthened in the heart, strives to immediately take revenge for faults or hostility, itself is embarrassed, embarrassed, darkened, weakened, lost. (Meeting with Philip Stepanov on the pier before meeting the body of Feodosia Fedorovna Nazarova: he was sitting on the pedestal when I greeted him; I began to talk to Father Fyodor Petropavlovsky on the move about his pride, secrecy, vindictiveness, and condemned him. But then my heart felt bad, I repented and prayed for him to God, that He Himself would dispose his heart to humility, meekness, kindness, and frankness. I calmed down considerably.) During the memorial service for Nazarova, feeling spiritually dead and in demonic fear, I confessed that I had been worrying about vanity until now, that with such abundant means of grace (frequent communion) I had not moved a single step in my spiritual life, I had not made a good beginning, I had not begun to build a spiritual house, spiritual salvation, daily pleasing the belly, chasing after corruptible and transitory things. worldly glory, loving acquisitions, caring what I will wear, etc. Because of this, my heart is cold towards God and neighbor, not skillful in humility, meekness, patience and long-suffering, abstinence, chastity, simplicity, purity of heart and kindness, obedience, mercy, in hope, courage, in zeal for the salvation of people, in enduring the hardships of others with love. Oh, how poor, damned, poor, blind and naked I am (Rev. 3:17)! I am a spiritual dead man. How is it that I, impudent and insolent, seek glory from people and do not seek glory, even from the one God, through heart correction, pleasing God, meekness, humility, non-covetousness, chastity, abstinence, and non-seeking of vain honor? Oh, how I became fussy, darkened, and maddened for the sake of sins! Chasing after the glory of this world, I neglect the glory of God, namely, purity of heart, faith, hope and love, tending the Lord’s sheep, mercy for everyone, nightly prayer, suppression of the passionate flesh through fasting and labor for the glory of God and the salvation of others! The integrity of the soul consists in impartiality to the world and its blessings, in kindness, humility, purity of heart, simplicity, non-covetousness, mercy and compassion, in the integrity of the teachings of faith, in the correctness of judgments or justice, etc. Very few people have spiritual integrity - sins and passions have corrupted our hearts with all kinds of wickedness. That is why we are told: take away wickedness from your souls (Isa. 1:16). One cross of Christ is like one Christ - it is absurd to want another cross to decorate your chest - an unnecessary burden for the chest; It's a childish thought to have as many decorations on your chest as possible. Jewelry should be imperishable, in the heart: adorn yourself with God and virtue. It won't be taken away. June 20. I thank the Lord, who wonderfully showed me help against invisible enemies during my service of Matins and who made me prosperous and strengthened in the service of Matins! I thank the Lord, who gave me peace during the liturgy (except for the minutes of the Great Entrance) and non-judgmental, as I think, communion of the Holy Mysteries and tearful tenderness for myself, for my sins during the funeral service for the servant of God Theodosia Feodorovna Nazarova. After the removal, I walked on the rampart and was in a strong struggle with ethereal enemies, or with my passions. The Lord is most worthy of love, as the most perfect Being and the Source, the First Source of all perfection, all goodness in nature, all beauty, all innocent sweetness, all wisdom and power. One must cleave to Him completely, with all the heart, with all the strength, inseparably. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the violence of embarrassment and cramped passions when I was walking in the park near the canal and reading prayers. The holy apostles are preachers of the heavenly faith, restorers of the image of God in souls, appropriating people to God, for people were alienated from God. I am earth and ashes (Gen. 18:27) - this is what I need to remember more often and not want to adorn myself with insignia, lest the Lord speak of me and those like me as of the Pharisees: Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, who are like painted tombs, which on the outside seem beautiful, but inside are full of the bones of the dead and all uncleanness (Matthew 23:27), or: you receive glory from each other, but do not seek glory other than that from the one God (John 5:44). Remember that the Judge is before the door: how He will strictly judge those who were unjustly zealous about being rewarded for their deeds and not for their deeds! He will also judge those who are right (Ps. 74:3), not only those who are wrong. How many of us are unworthy of rewards and instead of rewards we deserve censure and condemnation! How great are the blessings prepared for those who love the Lord! Oh, if only out of love for the Lord we could despise all worldly, vain, transitory glory! How vain and false is the honor of this world! If someone has received many honors, but does not have one, which his comrades, equal or inferior to him in service, have, then he is sick and sad, as if other honors and benefits were nothing to him, although they are important. He feels unhappy because he does not have that reward, because he was offended, he was not cared for, he was not honored. But how perfect is the honor of the heavenly calling in Christ Jesus! - a simple person, some kind of holy fool, barefoot, having nothing, is blessed by his lot - Christ, Who is in his heart, Who sees his heart, his impartiality to the world and his zealous, complete love for God and for his neighbors. Why? Because God is the most perfect Good, infinitely superior to all earthly goods, the only one needed by every soul, and other goods are only apparent goods, often illusory, and ephemeral goods. The treasure of my heart is and must be God - and I am foolish if my heart loves anything else, Give Me, son, your heart (Proverbs 23:26). I wish and seek true glory, away from the glory of this world, perishable, ephemeral. Lord, help me! 21st. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who showed His miraculous and beneficial hand on me to help me during the service of Matins, when the bodiless enemies, because of my satiety yesterday, bound my heart and did not allow me to speak the litanies at the Midnight Office and at the beginning of Matins; when my heart was strengthened by morning prayers and I prayed to the Lord and His Most Pure Mother for forgiveness of sins and for help, then soon help came to me from above, and I kindly spoke the great litany and then read the canon and all the litanies and Christ, the True Light. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, by whose mercy and power I delighted in victory over invisible enemies during the liturgy and achieved peace of mind during the great entrance during the naming of the persons of the reigning house; I thank the faithful children of God for the blessedness of my communion. I thank the Lord, who showed me His immeasurable mercy during the unction of the servant of God Evdokia Serebrennikova, when because of his (sacristan’s) mistake in the service, I became embittered against him due to my habit of evil and the action of the devil - and I was embarrassed, received a scorching ulcer, a consuming fire, cramped conditions, but, crying out with all my heart in repentance for salvation and help, I received salvation from the Lord with peace and prosperity in his ministry. Science: do not be embarrassed or upset at the faulty one and cover and be merciful. During the Liturgy, the Lord showed me in action that having Him, the Lord, in my heart and His peace with Him, I have everything, and all worldly rewards and distinctions in comparison with this good are dust, smoke, droppings; Without the Lord, if I had all the differences, all the treasures, I would be the most miserable person. So, Lord, grant me to have a right conscience, a right life, and not to worry about worldly differences or the favor of the powers that be, for human favor and honor are earned through untruth, man-pleasing and servility, flattery and intrigues. I suddenly calmed down at this thought in church. We perform service on earth, but heavenly service, and in corruptible bodies we serve the incorruptible God, we perform the incorruptible Mysteries, we serve the incorruptible, spiritual rebirth of ourselves and people; on earth we begin eternal life (in the Holy Mysteries) and eternal praise of the Creator - the Trinity. We are the servants of the Risen One and guide everyone to the spiritual resurrection and to the blessed resurrection of bodies on the last day of the world. Having received such service as our inheritance, we must not be overly concerned about corruptible things, as if they are transitory; we must trample upon the ungodly glory of this world, despise unrighteous wealth, be content with what God has given, and do good as much as we can to whomever we can. Oh, human passions, overwhelming and desecrating and killing the soul and body of man! Now greed and envy, now anger and malice, now self-interest, now lust and lasciviousness, now jealousy, now pride and ambition, now self-will and disobedience, now stupid fear and absurd fear, now false shame that strikes the heart, now guile and double-mindedness, now laziness and negligence, now ill-will and malice, now stinginess and miserliness, now gluttony and drunkenness, now severity and brutality, now extravagance and extravagance, impatience and suicide, now extreme narrow-mindedness of the earth and blindness to the future, especially to the heavenly, now idle talk, idle talk and ridicule, now blasphemy and foul language, now despondency, need and poverty - eat up a person, humiliate him, disfigure, suppress, destroy him! God! Save us, we are perishing from the charm of passions, from needs and circumstances! You are the only one who truly pities the dying humanity! But if, man, you are overwhelmed and fought and destroyed by various passions, then do you sincerely pray to the all-holy and impassive, omniscient, omnipotent and humane God? Do you treat yourself and your position sincerely and conscientiously? Do you want dispassion? Are you not looking for opportunities to satisfy your passions? Be careful not to destroy yourself voluntarily. Pray earnestly to God: one prayer can tame passions, cleanse, pacify and strengthen your wavering, passionate, senseless heart. To the king, impassive and peaceful! Tame our passions yourself, pacify and establish in Your truth! I thank the Lord, who through prayer has tamed the confusion of sin. Glory to His grace! 22nd. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace as a sinner during the Divine Liturgy; but this world disappeared in me from one glance at the new vestments laid out and the papers on the floor, for I thought: why didn’t I order them? If I had, then they would have given me velvet for the Gospel from the store for free. This concern for earthly things during the service of the heavenly liturgy instantly struck my heart with a mortal blow, and only with intensified repentance did I return peace and freedom to my heart, but not suddenly. This is how harmful worldly cares at the Holy See are, even for a moment! This is how a priest should have a heavenly heart! Yes and fair! For it must be the throne of the Lord always. But when will I kill these animal instincts and drives in myself? When will I stop looking lustfully not only at things, but also at people, at these living, beautiful images of God, created and redeemed by the Lord for eternal life in union with God? When will I love them unfeignedly in God and for God, as my fellow members and members of Christ and the churches of God - beautiful, holy, majestic, as the shrine of God, as joint heirs of the Kingdom of Heaven? And what an abomination and destruction this lust is! She, like a poisonous worm, undermines the health and peace of my soul, corrupts my insides, confuses, wounds, darkens, destroys, separates me from God and His grace, plunges me into misfortune, illness, spiritual death, separates me from the saints, copulates with the devil, whom I must deny every day and hour. Remember that every sin, for example fornication, is the most cruel thief, seeking to destroy us forever, and avoid it at all costs, despite the fact that it promises you sweetness and the makings of it: this sweetness is not for joy, but for sorrow. When you are seduced and captivated by earthly beauty, sweetness, honor, glory, self-interest, tell yourself: I have another, incomparable, heavenly, eternal beauty, another sweetness, indescribable because of its infinite superiority over earthly beauty; another honor and glory - imperishable, endless, true; other wealth is inalienable, eternal, spiritual. This is what I strive for, this is what I want to prevail in Christ Jesus our Lord! June 23. I thank the Lord, who calls me to the continuous service of the liturgy for forty days until August 1. I thank the Lord for uttering the funeral cry for Evdokia and for driving away the spirit of doubt and fear. I thank the Lord for granting victory over the pride of life, which consumed me upon my arrival at church during preparation for the service of the liturgy, and for the gift of peace, freedom, loud and stumbling-free service of the liturgy, and for the wonderful revival of the Divine Mysteries. Oh, what a great, priceless treasure for a person there is a pure heart, this is the source of the belly; it infinitely surpasses all treasures and riches, all honors, ranks, distinctions, all worldly amusements, everything desired by people, all visible beauty. A pure heart is united with God, filled with truth, peace, joy, bliss in the Holy Spirit; it is enough for everyone; it is completely, completely devoted to God, is not indignant at misfortunes and sorrows, does not relax in happy circumstances, and is firm in temptations. We desire wealth, insignia, ranks, dignity, orders - what is all this compared to the gift of purity of heart? – Like darkness before light, like a lie before truth, like a shadow before reality. He who has acquired a pure heart has acquired God, and where God is, there is everything good, everything true, praiseworthy, beautiful, there is eternal bliss, there is the beginning of eternal life, there is disdain for the corruptible, temporary, sinful. Humanity is suffering from the disease of decay. Looking at the icon of the Most Holy Virgin Theotokos and the Eternal Child in Her arms, I am always amazed at the great surprise of the Divine, infinite goodness, wisdom, truth, and power of God, which manifested itself so marvelously and majesticly in the incarnation, life, teaching, miracles, suffering, death and resurrection of the Son of God, who redeemed and saved us by His wondrous exhaustion. I marvel at God’s condescension towards fallen humanity. I rejoice with great joy, looking at the icon of the Mother of God and Her Eternal Child; I marvel at the greatness, holiness, purity, humility, goodness, strength, wisdom of the Mother of God, saving the whole world with Her prayer. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer made me worthy to overcome the violence of the disembodied enemy when reading prayers for the blessing of the loaves and to say the words that he previously stole from my heart and from my lips: For You are the One who blesses and sanctifies all things, O Christ our God; also the words of the final prayer at the first hour: Christ, the true Light. I thank the Lord, who curbed the voluptuous movement of the flesh with the memory of Him and my previous sins. The holy apostles as preachers of the Kingdom of God, the Kingdom of Heaven, eternal, incorruptible life in God and with God. After the terrible fall of Adam and Eve into corruption through eating from the forbidden tree, corruption invaded humanity in a turbid, terrible stream and darkens, burdens, eats, disfigures, destroys it until now and will destroy it until the end of the world: corruption constantly fights and destroys us in things, in thoughts, in feelings, in words (books of a corrupted nature), in habits, in passions, ambition, love of money, in mutual relations with each other. People are terribly enslaved to corruption, sometimes not even thinking that they are slaves of corruption, and run headlong from incorruption and from that which leads to incorruption - from the holy word of God, from the Church. The apostles placed the seed of incorruption, holy things, into human hearts, into human life - and holy things and incorruptibility flourished in people. Countless hosts of zealots of incorruptible life appeared and inherited incorruptible life: holy martyrs, saints, reverend fathers and wives, who astounded the world with their exploits (glory to the Lord, who enlightened my thought). Corruption in people is a natural consequence of lawlessness, which means it is necessary; incorruption is a consequence of legality and holiness. The disease of corruption that dominates in the hearts makes them, with the destruction of their souls, care about wealth and various honors and distinctions in the world, it plunges them into gluttony, humiliating for a rational being, into gluttony and drunkenness, into guile, deceit and lies, into theft, robbery and murder, it corrupts the bodies and souls of the prodigals, it corrupts the meaning of writers and scribblers and floods whole books and flying, ephemeral sheets of newspapers and magazines, it dominates both in the theater and in the booth - and everywhere it catches the eye, the ears, the mouth and nose. Vanity of vanities, all sorts of vanity. June 24th and 25th. I thank the Lord for the heavenly, glorious, life-giving liturgy on the Day of the Baptist in the Assumption Church and today in the Cathedral early and for its life-giving fruits. Keep me, O Lord, in Your holiness, so that I may learn Your righteousness all day long. On the day of the Tikhvin Mother of God in the evening, a strong storm arose, stirring up all the Kronstadt street dust. Apparently it's going to rain. I prayed to the Lord, I pray again. God! Remember, by Your great mercy, Your servant Alexander Nikitich Ivanov, who is suffering from severe illness. In Alexandrov's house on Pesochnaya Street there is a prayer service for the artisan tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. The love of money is a rejection of Christ and Christianity, all its dogmas and moral rules: for a money lover, money is a deity, it is his dogma; he is obedient, like an idiot, to the ringing of metal - he, his moral teacher. Gluttony, delicacy, gluttony and drunkenness are a rejection of Christ and Christianity. They are true paganism or idolatry of the heart; The glutton, the glutton, the drunkard do not have God: their god is the belly (Phil. 3:19), they are his slaves and do his will constantly and do not want to know the will of God. Their heart is weak - it does not feel God, His wondrous works of mercy, omnipotence, truth, omniscience. Therefore, Christ the Lord first of all legitimized fasting by His own example, then the apostles, hierarchs, saints, and the whole Church. Fasting cleanses, enlightens, thins the soul, makes it free (not enslaved to passions), light, easily able to see grief, and strong. With my soul and heart and whole being I knew, I felt a thousand times and ten times that the Lord Jesus Christ is the true God, the Creator, the Almighty, equal to the Father and the Holy Spirit, my most ready and omnipotent Savior - to Him be glory forever and ever. Amen. Where does this wonderful, holy, ardent, firm and unchanging love for people and especially for their flocks come from in the apostles, love with complete rejection, to the point of living for one’s own, a love of which we cannot boast? Fasting enlightens, thins, and strengthens the human heart—intemperance is the opposite. Thank you for the freedom of spirit, for the freedom of justification. An invaluable gift is spiritual and physical integrity, incorruptibility, and it is this that the devil attacks every minute, trying to tear it out. Grant me, Lord, the grace to always be whole in soul and body and not to corrupt myself with a single thought, nor a Look, nor a Word, nor a deed, nor anyone else. Grant me to be faithful and right before You, Lord, and grant this to everyone. Incorruptibility Guardian of people, Lord, keep this child and me, many-passionate, in incorruption. God! Grant me to love with all my heart You, imperishable, eternal Beauty, the culprit of all created beauty, and You, imperishable Sweetness, the endless culprit of the endless sweets prepared for those who love You in the next century. Many have secretly fallen away from Christ in their hearts, and I often fall away. Each person must ask himself every day: have I united with Christ with faith, hope, love, good deeds: meekness, humility, patience, purity, abstinence, mercy? Have you renounced the devil, and all his deeds, and all his ministry, and all his pride? Do not play with sinful fire - it is the forerunner of eternal fire. Remember your heavenly rank - angelic and be holy, like the Angel of the Lord Almighty, like the light of the sun, so holiness is characteristic of a priest. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the universally prodigal sin that was seething in my members, in my imagination. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance by falling to the throne of grace. I thank my holy Guardian Angel, who delivered me from the infatuation and desecration of the prodigal after I tenderly read the canon to him. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to receive from my hands and from my mouth, from my unclean mind and heart, corrupted by sins, the service of the heavenly liturgy and to partake of the revival of His most wonderful, sweet, worldly, all-free, most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Prodigal embarrassment, inflammation, and oppression tear at the soul terribly. This is hellfire, deceptive... Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world from temptations, for temptations must come; but woe to that person through whom temptation comes (Matthew 18:6-7). Anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28). Fornicators... will not inherit the Kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9). What do you need? Only shrines and the Kingdom of God are in your heart, for you partake of the Divine Body and Blood every day, anticipating and beginning eternal life; you must be all in heaven, trampling everything earthly. I thank the Lord for the mercy of deliverance from fornication yesterday during evening prayer, and after. Forgive me today's insolence, Lord! Sin confuses the soul and body. Look: this is a warning from God for you, and do not look at what tempts you. Look to God, the all-perfect, unblest, most peaceful, all-loving - in Him there is peace and bliss. Don’t look at the beautiful, otherwise you will turn your gaze away from the ugly, from the old, the poor, the sick, the sad, but you need to love all people with pure, unfeigned love. Look at the godlike soul of man, which imparts such beauty to the body and without which the body is dead, ugly, putrid, disgusting, stinking, pus, earth; look especially to the Creator, who created man with a glorious soul and a splendid body. It is not useful for you to look at human beauty, blessed, but it is very useful to look with the eyes of your mind at the beauty of God, incorruptible, pure, unblasphemous. Look at it this way. From such a look there is peace, joy, bliss in the soul. If you look partially, seductively at the beauty of creatures, then you will turn the eyes of your heart away from God and will not look to Him for your own destruction. And does your and your neighbor’s pus or your neighbor’s beautiful pus prompt you to look with partiality? Yes, truly pus, the movement of pus in the body, and above all, the action of the seductive enemy, seeking to destroy your soul, which is in the image of God, the church of God, the bride of God, a member of Christ. Treat yourself and your neighbor sincerely and conscientiously. There is nothing blessed either in man or in other creatures, for everything was created purposefully, purely, usefully, beautifully, beautifully - only the devil perverts the creation of God and inspires one to look blissfully and passionately at members that are not blessed, useful. Everything tempts the wicked man, even the eyes, mouth, ears, hair, waist, hands, breasts and the gates of human life, through which everyone comes out and goes out into this deplorable, vain world. This is where the evil one tempts the most, where temptation causes countless harm to people, multifaceted harm to souls and bodies. May God save humanity and me, a great sinner, from this. June 28. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness in repentance before the service of the Liturgy, for the successful service of the Liturgy without stumbling blocks from the devil and for the bliss of communion, for the life-giving fire and heavenly peace. June 25. After the all-night vigil on the feast of the appearance of the Tikhvin Icon of the Mother of God, N.M. Semenov was perfect, I slept very peacefully that night, although I ate and drank quite a lot. If I ate and drank less, I would sleep even more peacefully. My order is that the whole day is perfect, holy, peaceful and sinless, forgiveness and remission of sins, having asked the Lord for what is good and beneficial for the soul, to end the rest of the life in peace and repentance, the Christian death of the life is painless, peaceful, a shameless and kind answer at the Last Judgment of Christ and, finally, we will surrender ourselves, each other and our entire life to Christ God. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed and strengthened me with the power of the Holy Mysteries to unfalteringly read the prayer behind the pulpit, say all absolution (and to the holy noble Grand Duke Alexander Nevsky) and another after the requiem service (he will rest in the bosom of Abraham and be numbered with the righteous). What our people have arranged is for my benefit, but I won’t try to be tempted. Lord Lover of Mankind! I thank You, for by Your infinite mercy I celebrated today (June 29) the early Liturgy without stumbling, for You heard the lamentable cry of the sinner; I thank You, because with Your help I spoke with feeling and boldness the sermon that I composed with Your help; I thank You most of all for the wonderful life, energy, and strength given to me, dead in sins, when delivering a sermon another time, during the late liturgy. Thank you for the wonderful revival by Your Divine Mysteries at the early liturgy. I thank you for performing the glorification with the cross and for the open hearts of the parishioners who joyfully received us. Thank you for the complete leave during the memorial service at the Shvetsovs. I saw in a dream a dead man, lying in the same room as me; At first he spoke kindly to me, then he stood up and spoke as if he were alive; I thought: why shouldn’t he go outside if he gets up from his coffin in the room. But then he lay down in the coffin again. It was as if one of the comrades was there: either Mikhail Zyablin, or Vasily Germanovich Popov, or someone else - I don’t remember. Forgot. What does this living dead mean next to me in the same room? In any case, this is moralizing: 1) the dead are alive even after death, 2) they sympathize with the prayers offered for them, 3) they can talk with us. Remember that a Christian has other pleasures (grace-filled, spiritual, heavenly), other treasures (also grace-filled, spiritual), other honors (a heavenly calling), other food, another drink (the word of God and the Flesh of Christ and the Blood of Christ), another decoration (spiritual), that he has already anticipated, felt, seen with the eyes of his heart and found that this is the highest good, incorruptible, eternal. Yes, he does not have earthly carnal pleasures - earthly wealth, earthly honor, and he does not chase after rich meals, after the luxury of life, that everything must soon leave us and we must leave. June 30. Monday. I thank the Lord for the indescribable mercy shown to me in the service of the Liturgy, for immutability, for high thoughts, for the awareness of the height of priestly service and what a priest should be, how he should always burn, like the Seraphim and Cherubim, with love for the Lord, that his heart should be heavenly, alien to all earthly, sinful love and passions, that earthly beauty and glory human beauty is perishable, like grass and flowers on the grass, passing by, but spiritual, imperishable beauty is eternal; that the Lord is the source of all beauty and true, pure pleasure in everything. I thank the Lord, who arranged my trip to Peterhof to see the director in the best possible way, everything according to my wishes. July 1st. I thank the most merciful Lord for the gift of mercy, purification, holiness, peace, victory, joy, given to me today during the celebration of the early liturgy. I extol God’s long-suffering and mercy towards me, the quick obedience of the omnipresent Lord. From eating meat and in general from satiety today I felt heaviness and powerlessness in my heart and pain in my toes (in the evening); at the evening funeral service at the Shvetsovs - weakness and confusion of the heart; At night the sleep is heavy, there is heaviness and tightness in the stomach and sides (from extreme excess of juices). God! Grant me to fast and pray always, unceasingly, to please You sincerely, to live for You, and not for myself, What terrible decay and disgrace the body of the deceased servant of God Shvetsova was given over to! This is the terrible corruption that befalls us for our slavery to corruption and sin! But how wise and blessed are the saints of God, who worked for God all their lives! They are light, beautiful, incorruptible even after death, and their bodies show strength, power, driving away demons and healing diseases of those who come to them with faith and zeal! Eating and drinking heavily constantly, daily, kills my soul, depriving it of God’s grace, peace, freedom, silence, health, light, joy, and strength. Only communion of the Holy Mysteries with a tearful prayer of repentance revives me. O all-merciful and long-suffering Master Lord, glory to Thee! Grant me constant malnutrition and limited drinking, to the extent of my body. July 2nd. I thank You, Lord, for the wonderful, heavenly, premium, all-free, all-joyful pleasure in You after communion of the Divine, life-giving and terrible Holy Mysteries, with which you cleansed them of all my sins, sanctified them, revived them, strengthened them, you made me courageous. I ate salted beluga with black soft bread in the evening, and woe was my night: terrible itching all over my body, insomnia, turning from side to side; this means that from the excess of nutritious juices and from the strength of the stomach, blood spoilage occurred to a strong degree: scrofula took extreme force (at lunch, pancakes with caviar again salted, pies with meat, bad jelly - empty, without milk). I thank the Lady Theotokos, who graciously accepts my prayers during the sincere reading of prayers and due praise to Her, the Most Blessed; I thank you for the tears of tenderness and for the cleansing of sins, for peace of mind, for boldness, for freedom, for prosperity, for deliverance from the snares and slander of the enemy. My incorruptible beauty is the Lord, my incorruptible sweetness is the Lord, the Source of all sweetness. July 3. I thank the Lord, who today glorified in me His high and strong, glorious and terrible arm in trampling upon the spirits of evil that took up arms against me through an empty incident - not being kissed by Deacon Peter A.S. priestly hand during the liturgy. The surge of anger and confusion was extreme in my heart - I barely spoke, but through repentance I asked for God’s help and mercy. I glorify God’s goodness, condescension, and obedience. Being the greatest fornicator in my heart from my earliest youth, and now, as a result of skill, in particular, I must undertake decisive feats of fasting, repentance, tenderness, alms, and continue them all my life. In my heart the thorns of passions have grown to the extreme: I look at everyone and everything with a lustful or disdainful, malicious, envious, slanderous look. Woe to me, wretched one! For, filled with hellish fire, I daily add oil to the fire so that it burns more strongly: I feast on food, drink wine, live absent-mindedly, lazily, carelessly. I am the ugliest, most unfounded person: yesterday I ate a hearty, greedy supper (liver, fish, black bread and butter, tea with cream) and tossed and turned all night; itching in the body, tightness, heaviness inside, heavy sweat did not allow me to sleep. O dumb animal! Away with black bread at night and all food! Don't eat anything! July 4th. Hot. I thank You, Lord, who has made me glad even now with Your Divine mercy and help during and before the service of the Liturgy, and who has given me a wonderful life and joy with peace and space of heart through the communion of Your most pure and life-giving Mysteries. I thank You, who gave me tears of repentance and tenderness before the Liturgy during Matins. I thank You, the Consumer of corruption and the Giver of incorruption. Thoughts during the funeral service of Alexander Nikitich Ivanov. How can I, a spiritual dead person, pray for peace and forgiveness of the sins of the soul of the deceased? I must first rise spiritually myself, so that my prayer is valid, so that the Lord will grant me the resurrection of faith, hope, love, simplicity, meekness, humility, purity and chastity, mercy, patience, obedience, abstinence. (Father Pavel Lamanov said a good word.) I thank the Lord for the gift of stumbling-free service of the liturgy and for heavenly peace during and after communion of the Divine Mysteries. July 5th. I thank the Lord for His Divine gift - for performing the most heavenly Sacrament of His Body and Blood on earth and for communion of these holy things, for stumbling-free, loud service, for defeating the machinations of the enemy. I thank the Lord for changing our hearts, mine and my wife’s, as I prayed a lot to the Lord about this; I thank her for her kindness and obsequiousness after her curses, threats, revenge (she wanted to kick out (the guest)). The heart receives extreme coarseness and cruelty and deadness from eating meat - I have experienced this many times; it becomes powerless when invisible enemies attack it, and they turn it around as they want, frighten them with ghosts, incite them to fornication, malice, envy, love of money, etc., and deprive them of their words. So yesterday at the all-night vigil, having seen the archpriest, I remembered his lies about me (and perhaps the truth), and in my soul I hated and despised him, and through this I myself was wounded and extremely disgraced; Only through humility and repentance did I regain peace and God’s mercy; At the end of the Gospel I was confused and barely finished reading. If I hadn't eaten meat, I would have had spiritual strength. I couldn’t say why – I was scared of people. Then, in grief, he fell to the holy throne in the Peter's chapel, asking for mercy and help, and received peace and strength: Christ, the true Light, said boldly, everything is complete; I wanted to say everything and would have said it, but the English pastor caught my eye, and again I was afraid of something and did not dare to speak further. I showed two English pastors our holy church and altar. Then they read an akathist to the Mother of God at a prayer service for parishioners; I read it cheerfully and with some feeling. July 6th. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me with His great mercy to perform the Liturgy without stumbling, except for absolution and prayer. Remember first, Lord... and say the word. Thank you for your calmness during the great entrance. I thank you for the wonderful revival by the Holy Mysteries of my entire being, deadened by sin, for the life-giving fire that penetrated my entire insides. But I sinned before God and again fell to death with annoyance at the fact that many babies were brought to the mother for communion, and then, after the sermon, when I began to take money out of the wallet for the Morshansky fire victims and there were no less than three rubles, and I had to put three rubles in addition to my hopes and intentions: I took pity on them and reluctantly put them in, which is why my heart was embarrassed (proud, voluptuous, self-interested, unkind, cruel), but I repented, condemned myself, considered it lucky that I put in three rubles (for I don’t spare ten rubles for empty things, but here I spared three rubles for the needs of my neighbors), and the Lord forgave me, giving me peace. After yesterday’s porter 93 and cheese, I felt very unwell at mass, heavy, and nauseous. I was very weak and sick. On July 17, two archimandrite fathers promised to visit me. Get ready. I thank the Lord for the great victory within me, given to me in the name of the Lord, which I called upon diligently during the all-night vigil during a strong overwhelm of anger towards my spiritual, ostensibly proud, spiritual daughter Ekaterina Grigorievna Stepanova; I thank the Lord for giving me peace and freedom after confusion and cramped conditions. I glorify His Name, His goodness, His knowledge of hearts, for His strength. Who is God as great as God? You are the God who works miracles (Ps. 76:14 - 15): you call those who do not exist as if they exist (Rom. 4:17), bring them down to hell and raise them up, bind them in weakness and release them in strength, 94 strong in mercy and good in strength, to help and comfort and save all who trust in the holy name Yours 95. Amen. (I sinned, I smoked a cigar after milk and before wine Sauternes, eggs and a piece of pie from Alexander Ivanovich Popov.) On Wednesday, July 9th at eleven o'clock in the afternoon, there will be a council meeting at the gymnasium. July 8. I thank the Lord for his great help during the service of the liturgy (for the gift of peace and the taking away of confusion due to ignorance and laziness, the negligence of the 96 sexton, for victory over himself, over the evil that burned in the heart) and especially for the wonderful revival upon communion of the Holy, immortal and life-giving Mysteries, and for the unfailing reprimand of dismissal and service prayer service of the holy water. I thank the Lord for granting me a new victory over my passion of irritation and anger at the oversleeping sexton and for helping me in the service of Vespers (especially the saying of all the litanies). I thank You, Lord, for every day you visit my poverty, cover my nakedness, take away the vile garment of sin and clothe me in the bright and fragrant robe of Your righteousness, for you take away my deadness and give life, take away my sinful ugliness and adorn me with the beauty of Your holiness. I thank you, for you grant me daily to recognize my extreme weakness, my wretchedness, my blindness and my nakedness, and thereby attract me to Yourself, to seek every good thing in You - and it is never in vain, for I find all good things in You without restraint. Glory to You! Pulchritudo mea – Charitas; dulcitudo mea – ipsa Charitas. Pulchritudo mea – Trinitas; dulcitudo mea – ipsa Trinitas. Gloria Tibi. Λόζα σοι. 97 July 9th. I thank the Lord for the supernatural revitalization of my heart, deadened by sins, for the cleansing of sins and for the gift of shrines through the communion of His divine most pure and life-giving Mysteries and for the unfailing performance of the liturgy. July 10. I thank and extol the Lord for the wonderful heavenly life, most worldly, most free, poured out into my heart through the communion of the divine, life-giving, most heavenly Mysteries and for the unfaltering celebration of the liturgy by His grace. The Lord Jesus Christ daily and repeatedly, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries of His Body and Blood, sovereignly, like God, destroys the mortal power in me and, like God and the Hypostasis Life, gives me life, peace, joy, freedom, light, strength, boldness, blessing. Wonderful are His works in me! Glory to Your power, Christ! With His Cross, even to this day, the Lord performs great miracles of mercy and power, especially during the Divine Liturgy. A passionate heart is meaningless, gloomy, insane, wild, absurd, evil, vile. An example is the sin of lewdness, malice, pride, envy, despair, love of money, miserliness or extravagance, drunkenness, schism, superstition, etc. July 11th. I thank the Lord for serving the liturgy without stumbling, with a clear, strong voice and for the wonderful revival by the Divine Mysteries, also for meriting a prayer service for many birthday girls. Thanks be to the Lord for taking away great oppression from the heart. Yesterday I was in Britnev’s bathhouse at ten o’clock in the evening, the water was good. After the bath he drank milk with black bread; I didn’t go for a walk in the evening. I thank the Lord for his gracious, great help to me during Vespers, when I was in vain angry with the sexton because he did not agree with me with his voice, which turned out to be unnecessary for me; I thank you for taking away confusion, cramped conditions, voicelessness and for giving peace, freedom, goodwill. When performing the Liturgy and taking out particles in honor of the Mother of God, the saints, then the living and the dead, remember what a close connection there is between the Lord and His saints, between them and those who live piously on earth and between those who died in faith and piety; remember what a close connection there is between us and the saints and dead in Christ, and love everyone as members of the Lord and as your members. I thank the Lord for the gift of a stumbling-free wedding ceremony (except: walk in peace and do the commandments of God in righteousness and rejoice in your husband, keeping the limits of the law...). The bride was old and crooked, and I, damned, looked at her slyly, as if with contempt, for which I was deprived of a word of truth (according to the Trebnik). Take care of our dear guests, the archimandrites. Go to officer Mochalov about the boat. Yesterday, during Vespers, I was unjustly angry with sexton Zrelov because he didn’t want to, or, better yet, couldn’t sing high, which was hard for me. Grant me, Lord, not to be angry with anyone, for I am stupidly angry, unreasonably. The wrath of a man does not accomplish the righteousness of God (James 1:20). July 12. I thank the Lord with all my soul for the unfailing service, serving the liturgy with tenderness of heart and for the Divine revival of my deadness with the most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Glory to Thee, my hypostatic, eternal, new, holy Life, my Lord, Lord! How merciful, omnipotent, holy is our Lord! From what nothingness, from what mire of sin He lifts man up, cleansing, renewing, sanctifying and even adoring him! The greatness of this gift is impossible to express! And He does this to all of us. How do we thank Him? How do we correspond to His mercy, love, His holiness? Oh, how wise, all-good, all-powerful, indescribably beautiful the Lord is in all the works of His hands in spiritual and physical nature! Let us love Him alone, who created everything in number, measure and weight with all our souls! In what closeness to each other are the inhabitants of heaven and the inhabitants of the earth, and the Mother of God, and all the saints, and all of us, Orthodox Christians, when the Divine, universal, transcendental, universal liturgy is celebrated! My God! What a wonderful, joyful, life-giving communication! What is communication really like for us? Use sweet jelly less often and less: it causes fornication and clogging of the urinary canal. Do not forget, any person, that every minute without number you lend everything to God: with every breath of air and moisture, and with every ray of the sun, warming, illuminating, reviving, or scorching and burning for your own good; every piece of bread, every fruit you eat; every ray of heavenly truth, or every good and holy thought, every life-giving, good feeling, intention, every good deed; every internal action of grace that delivers from evil, touches, cleanses, sanctifies, expands, pacifies, delights your heart, helps you in the fight against passions and ethereal enemies, in prayer and in all your good deeds. But you should especially be grateful to the Lord God for the fact that you were brought from non-existence into being, received from Him rebirth or rebirth through baptism, joining the Church, adoption by God (the greatest honor!), received the pledge of the Holy Spirit in confirmation (the greatest honor and bliss, the greatest treasure and spiritual wealth!), you are honored with the communion of the Divine, most pure and life-giving Mysteries (the greatest honor and greatest bliss!), by which you are cleansed from sins, revived, sanctified, nourished spiritually, confirmed in every virtue, in which you receive a guarantee of eternal life. Why shouldn’t the Holy Synod and the archpastors of the Russian Church address a district pastoral letter with an exhortation not to commit suicide, which now so often happens, to provide clear evidence of the terrible harm from suicide for the soul of suicides, to smash their evidence on which they base their insane actions, to declare to them that through suicide they are boldly breaking off any union with God and the Church and depriving themselves of the right to her prayers and intercession before God, etc. Or is the Holy Synod already so overwhelmed by reform and secular power that they cannot do anything other than procuration? Or have the orders and wealth of archpastors and diocesan affairs completely eaten them up? And who will give an answer to God for lost souls? From whom will the blood of the dead be exacted? Anything beyond what is necessary is kept away from me (even a silk scarf, even gold and silver and precious clothes). I thank the Lord for the gift of mercy, good obedience, strength and deliverance, which I received just before the Cherubic song (the end from the knot of the shoulder girdle of the girdle, sticking out over the vestments, outraged me, and I was indignant at the watchman and missed some prayers). Thank you for the gift of the liturgy, for the life-giving Mysteries that revived me, strengthened me, and cleansed me. Exclamation In the first, remember, Lord... said poorly, embarrassed, missed the words: grant them to Thy Holy Churches in the world, whole, honest, healthy, long-living... But here I pray just as much as for myself: praying earnestly to the Lord for the Synod and the local archpastor, may they be whole, honest, healthy, long-living, I will ask the Lord the same for myself - which With the measure we measure, it will be measured to us (Matthew 7:2). Grant, Lord, to pray sincerely for everyone, especially for the sovereign and his house, for the Holy Synod, archpastors, co-pastors and all people. I thank the Lord for the smooth celebration of the marriage in the Duma Church after mass on July 13th, Sunday. Fight all kinds of sins with all your determination - life is short: for a temporary struggle you will receive eternal peace and eternal enjoyment of indescribable blessings, a life that is not inclined to any sin. And the (Angel) showed me a pure river of the water of life, clear as crystal, coming from the throne of God and the Lamb (Rev. 22:1). Note From the beginning of July until now (the 13th), the heat has been terrible: the air is burning, extremely dry, dust is everywhere, forests are burning, the stench of smoke is in the air, the grass is burned. There is nowhere to escape the heat. We have angered the Lord with our iniquities. The rich and wealthy classes carouse, drink, have fun, amuse themselves with theaters, music, country walks, but the poor have nothing to eat, out of despair they drown in the sea and rivers, shoot themselves, hang themselves. Fornication is everywhere, to the point of impudence. Shepherds feed themselves, chase after awards, after orders - about the salvation of souls entrusted by the Lord, they do not think about their own either, they warm their pockets, get rich, get fat, play cards. How can the Lord not punish us! But learned people reject God, build the world according to their fantastic theories and do not allow the creation of the world by God, according to the legend of Moses, they do not believe in supernatural revelation, in the incarnation of the Son of God, in the resurrection of the dead, in judgment, in eternal retribution, they preach the enjoyment of life, marriage outside the Church, or debauchery. Go to Ivan Konstantinovich Tsvetkov, to Mochalov tomorrow. O the work of the incarnation of the Son of God! You constantly amaze me with your greatness and extreme humiliation of His unapproachable greatness! O infinite goodness! You spoke in everything, and by the way, in these words: just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did it to Me (Matthew 25:40). Glory to the work of Your hands, O Lord, wonderful, unblemished, multi-useful, expedient. Glory to Thee, beautiful, supreme, all-powerful, wise, all-holy, all-good Artist and Creator of all. Grant us all to walk in holiness and truth all the days of our lives and always remember that the vessels of our bodies are perishable and will turn into ugliness and earth and stinking dust; Grant us to love the imperishable souls that exist in Your image and likeness, and to unite with You, the Source of beauty and holiness, in everything. Do not, through the grace of Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance and Communion, the spiritual and physical beauty remaining in you and the beauty of your neighbor, be corrupted by carnal passions and the beauty of your neighbor, so that God, who is jealous of the holiness of His animate churches, may not corrupt you (1 Cor. 3:17). Grant us therefore to preserve the beauty of the incorruptibility of soul and body, so that we may once again enjoy Your beauty. July 15. The heat is terrible, 30 degrees. Quiet, clear, cloudless. At night, do not eat anything, neither eggs nor milk: they cause heaviness and sweat. Remember that the Lord gives you the indescribable gift of His mercy - the communion of the life-giving Mysteries for observance in the shrine, for your spiritual advancement and perfection, and if you do not use this terrible Sacrament for your salvation, then woe to you: it will be exacted from you most severely, for so many means and strength were given - and you were careless, trampled on the gift of God. Carnal, hypocritical love kills spiritual, true love: the flesh mortifies the spirit, but spiritual life lives, expands, strengthens. May you preserve the sanctuary of your church (our body and our soul), the sanctity of your treasures, very, very well. Hallowed be Thy name! How dearly sanctification cost us, we, defiled by countless sins, we deserve it through the priceless blood of the Son of God. Let us keep within ourselves, let us grow within ourselves this priceless gift of shrines, and if we lose it in any way, then let us return it immediately with tears of unfeigned repentance, for the Lord is generous and merciful, long-suffering and abundantly merciful - He expects in us shrines, shrines of God, shrines of the Holy Spirit. I am a damned person: I still keep up with the encroachments of the unclean, I look at what tempts. O Lord, who searches hearts and wombs! Turn my heart away from all earthly charms, the beauty of the flesh, clothing and everything blissful; grant me to love You alone completely and irrevocably. It is evident that until now, with such frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, you still do not value more than anything else a pure heart, which is the church of God, and you prefer carnal pleasures to the purity of your heart. Look at the whole person completely unblemished, equally at the head, as well as at all the members. July 16. I thank the Lord for the gift of communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the gift of celebrating the Liturgy. Glory to the life-giving, wondrous power of the Divine Mysteries, through which I daily receive life from the dead. I thank the Lord, who surprised His mercy upon His servant Mikhail Bazhenov after his wife prayed for him before the image of the Mother of God of Iveron and after I removed particles from the prosphora for his salvation! Glory to Thee, our hope, Lord! Create, O Lord, a sign for the good of Your servant Anthony, delivering him from drunkenness. Wake up! Amen. Lady! Save! Hope of the unreliable! Create power with Your servant Anthony, for everything is possible for You, as the Mother of God. 17th. I sinned that I again crawled with prodigal vision and became confused. I thank the Lord for the successful celebration of the liturgy (the second early one) and for reviving me, deadened by sins; The Holy Mysteries again gave me life from the dead. 18th. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness, the warm and kind celebration of the Liturgy in a clear, sonorous, unfailing voice and for the wonderful revival of the Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who healed my weakness after yesterday’s gluttony, satiety and heavy drinking with good guests. I thank the Lord for accepting my repentance. I thank the Lord for his repeated mercy and cleansing of my sins today. Glory to the good obedience, quick obedience, and goodness of my Sweetest Lord, who is omnipresent and fills everything! Glory to His holiness, His perfect righteousness! Make me, O Lord, in the paths of Thy righteousness! Grant me to forever remember Your endless truth, Your holiness, Your beauty, Your sweetness! To remember in Your image and likeness. The Lord adorned me with the greatest, incomparable adornment of His incorruptible image and likeness, clothed me in the splendor and shrine of the priesthood, both as a groom and as a bride, adorned me with the robes of the priesthood and, above all, with the closest, most sincere communication with Himself in the Sacrament of Communion - and what kind of beauty should I still pursue? The Source of incorruption and beauty is within me. Every person has his best adornment, his greatest wealth - his soul, created in the image and likeness of God, endowed with intelligence, feeling, autocracy, incorruptibility. The body, clothing, differences, ranks are vanity and decay. Love, man, the imperishable beauty of the image and likeness of God - despise the corruptible, fading, charming. What is dearest to me is the incorruptibility and integrity of my soul and body, or purity, holiness, peace, freedom, strength, joy in the Holy Spirit; the most disgusting and despicable of all is sin, which produces corruption, uncleanness, confusion, slavery, powerlessness, despondency and sadness. July 19. Morning. Four o'clock. Damned glutton and glutton I am: in the evening I ate fish again - fried salmon, drank a cup of tea water and then a glass of milk (Friday) after three hours or less ago in the same house I drank three glasses of sweet tea with lingonberry jam (another sweet) and with a puff pastry. This causes extreme prodigal burning at night, tossing and turning from side to side. O long-suffering Lord! How long do you tolerate my free madness, my idolatry, my insolence before You? (For this is on the eve of early mass, and we have early mass every day!) Is the Kingdom of God food and drink? That is why I am overwhelmed by thoughts, that is why the ethereal enemy laughs at me, frightening me with stupid fears, not allowing me to pronounce certain words, the names of saints, entire sayings. And how much running around in vain after eating and drinking for the sake of digestion, how much time is wasted (though I pray internally very often while walking and lose less time). Or will the Lord not abolish both the belly and the food (1 Cor. 6:13)? Yes, it will be abolished soon. But is the whiteness of the heart a minor harm? How will I answer the Lord for gluttony every day, for breaking fasts, for wasting time? My many sins, Lord! Have mercy, have mercy on me, fallen, insensitive, ungrateful, insane, prodigal, quarrelsome inwardly, impatient, greedy, envious. July 19. 10 o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for his help during the early liturgy, for tenderness and tears and for Divine communion and revival by the Holy Mysteries. But the prodigal warfare was extremely strong due to yesterday’s satiety and breaking the fast; I barely overcame it through incessant reflection and contrition of heart. Lingonberry jam with sweet tea had a bad effect. A hitherto terrible prodigal war. 19th. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness during the all-night vigil that I stood in the Cathedral. I need to keep a book of incoming and outgoing papers, as well as the incoming and outgoing amounts coming into my hands, keep track of the numbers... From meat pie and milk with black bread, drunk beyond the need for the night (and from not walking), today (July 20) I had the most severe fornication war, which I barely overcame by the grace of God through the service of the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries and through the prayer of repentance. Flesh and blood almost overcame me - only the mercy of God preserved me. I thank the Lord with all my heart and ask for grace for the future. I thank the Lord for Anthony, the servant of God, who by the grace of God stopped drunkenness. I thank you for John (in the Arkhangelsk hospital), who came to his senses through my prayer to the Lord and today carried the image in the procession around the city. Save, O Lord, the souls of men, triumph by Thy grace over the sins and passions that destroy the souls of men, redeemed by Thy Blood. God! Tame the violence of passions, extinguish the kindling of bodily rebellion, give us a chaste life in deeds and words 98. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to consummate the marriage of Constantine and Evdokia safely, with feeling, with majesty in front of a multitude of people, only at the end, seeing the white breasts of one girl, I was embarrassed, tempted, and my heart became weak, and I could not complete the marriage as it should, I did not read everything. Why did you look uncleanly at what was purely, wisely, beautifully created? July 21. He who loves with carnal, hypocritical love is the enemy of God, the enemy of humanity and the enemy of himself, for he torments his own being and the being of his neighbor, the very one whom he loves uncleanly, treats others coldly and disrespectfully, those who do not satisfy his taste or bestial passion; torments himself with confusion, struggle or the desire to satisfy his passion, darkens and defiles himself, infects his being and his neighbor with hellish prodigal fire; arouses the wrath of God against oneself, deprives oneself of the grace of God, which is the only thing needed and necessary for everything in life: like salt, like spiritual food and drink, like light, like strength, like nobility, like the greatest pleasantness in our being, because of which we are dear to every sincere Christian and person. One infected with impure love, as an enemy of God, cannot pray to God during the action of passion, for the will of God is extremely opposed to his intentions and desires, condemns and punishes them; he brings into the being his corruption and the never-ending worm. I stand before the throne of God Almighty, Who has entrusted to my prayer and intercession the kings and the kingdom of the universe, the entire universe, especially the Russian kingdom and the Tsar of Russia with his house, his chamber and army, the entire Church, the entire hierarchy, the bishopric, the presbytery, the deaconry in Christ, all the clergy and people, every city, country and those living in them by faith; I stand before the throne of the Almighty, in whose power are heaven and earth, all the elements: light, air, fire, water and earth and all the fruits of the earth, land and sea, all animals of the earth and water - and Who gave me the right to intercede before Him for the goodness of the air, and for deliverance from the earthquake and from the sword, and from the invasion of foreigners and civil strife, from all disasters that befall people for sins. I stand at the very source of life of all creatures, at the very source of grace, purification and salvation. I stand before the most impregnable, all-good, wise and all-powerful Power, before which everything living in heaven and on earth bows. What should I be like, placed at such a height, at such a shrine, at such greatness, at such a useless Power, at such Magnificence? Verily, I depict the mystery of the Cherubim; My service is high, but I am sinful, passionate, weak, Lord! Grant 99 me Yourself for this service! July 22. I thank the Lord with all my soul for cleansing my spiritual leprosy both yesterday and today (yesterday during the liturgy and after the christening at Alexandrovsky, when I prayed with faith and hope in the great crampedness and sorrow that befell me for my addiction to decay - a silk scarf, today after the liturgy, when I was also in cramped conditions for being upset with the sexton and deacon Taratin for hasty and thoughtless service cried out to the Lord with tears for mercy before the Holy Mysteries). I myself am insolvent and guilty, a sinner, and I am angry with others, while because of my sins they, my fellow servants, serve irreverently. This is my new grave sin - to be offended by my fellow servants: the devil doubles and triples his gain from me when I am upset: sin drives me with sin, sin couples with sin, I need to abstain, humble myself, be meek and repent, and for the brethren I fervently pray to God in humility and goodness. I also sinned before God at home by seeing and contemplating the beauties of young beauty. I have to watch myself, Luke. 17, 3 100, take care of your eye, contemplate with the eyes of your heart the uncreated, incorruptible, incomparable, original, source Beauty of God and the beauty of the human soul, incorruptible, godlike, godlike. Sermon for the birthday of Her Majesty the Empress: from the text: The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field, which, although smaller than all the seeds, but when it grows, it is larger than all the grains and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air fly and take refuge in its branches (Matthew 13, 31 - 32) (virtues, patronage). Rejoice, blessed-leaved tree, with which many trees are covered 101. I will also repeat to myself that sweets bring terrible misfortunes, fierce temptations, just like yesterday during early mass (jam at Grechukhin’s last night, July 21). July 23. Again, in practice, the Lord showed me that it was harmful for me to eat in the evening, especially meat, for today during early mass my spirit was extremely weak and my heart was weak, powerless, fearful, extremely prone to malice (the deacon did not kiss my hand after the Cherubic Song - and I was embarrassed, and barely overcame the feeling of hostility with the help only of the grace of God). Oh, truly I can’t do anything without God, I can’t overcome any feeling of passionate hostility, feelings of envy, fornication, covetousness, etc., that all is the death of the spirit. I thank the Lord for the supernatural, wondrous help to me, a sinner, and for the heavenly salvation in the Holy Mysteries, given to me by the Lord. July 24. I thank the Lord for the great mercy shown to me by the Lord through my intensified prayer during and especially after it, delivering me from temptation (on the part of the rector of the father: I took hostility towards him for turning away from the poor and indifference in the Guardianship, and for multiplying my wealth, and for the fact that he teaches all the clergy to rush to the service): I did not finish the dismissal of the liturgy and did not say dismissal funeral services. Then, while consuming the Gifts, I prayed to the Lord to change me and Father Paul - and the Lord did a wondrous thing: He changed both me and Father Paul for good. July 25. I thank the Lord for the gift of serving the liturgy: yesterday’s black bread with butter and milk and drinking tea many times made my heart and whole body heavy and it was difficult to serve. After mass I barely quarreled with my sister-in-law (due to my sins and the hardening of my heart from gluttony), in my soul I had indignation and hostility, confusion, crampedness: I went to church, fell in repentance at the Holy Altar - and received forgiveness of sins and peace. At the prayer service I finally calmed down. I hope the Lord did the same with my sister-in-law. Praise the Lord. In the case of mutual displeasure, grief, irritation, the best way to achieve mutual peace and mutual affection is a fervent prayer to the Lord God, that He Himself, the Shepherd and Visitor of our souls, may heal the infirmities of our souls, enlighten and soften our hearts, and pour into them unfeigned love. The means to mutual peace and spiritual disposition is also a sincere consciousness and feeling of one’s own shortcomings, weaknesses, passions and one’s guilt in the loss of the spirit of love and peace and in the enmity or strife that has occurred. July 26. I thank the Lord for the heavenly gift - communion of the Holy Mysteries and revitalization by them, and for the unfaltering service of the early liturgy. God! I grieve for my nieces who sit in the same classes for a long time: aren’t they lazy? Who do they go on vacation with? With faithful, chaste people? Write a stern letter home to Vasily Ivan, nephew Evdokim and nieces. I have been crucified to the world, says the Apostle (Gal. 6:14), that is, I have been crucified to all carnal pleasures, covetousness, worldly glory and honor, to all peace and bliss of the flesh, earthly pleasures and merriments; The world has been crucified to me, that is, all its charms, temptations, everything worldly has become for me as if dead, insignificant. Glory to Your door, through which You brought me into this world and to the spermatic organ. Glory to Thy purest wisdom, which is in all the works of Thy hands; Glory to the coloduct, which removes unnecessary and harmful bodily substances from the stomach. You created everything in the highest degree expediently and beautifully and unblemished, purely. Two glasses of milk drunk at night contain a lot of fornication and relaxation of the heart; a long walk is very tiring and has an adverse effect on the nerves. Great and exalted is the rank of the priest: he stands daily before the throne of God on earth, like Angels in heaven, offering a grateful Sacrifice to God for all the saints; intercedes for the whole world, for all those living and dead in the faith and hope of the resurrection; performs the most heavenly Mysteries: Baptism, Confirmation, Communion, Repentance, etc. He constantly talks with God as a confidant, glorifies, thanks, implores Him; He brings repentance to Him and the faithful, preaches His word, converts those who go astray, admonishes, convinces, consoles, and punishes spiritually. A priest must not only be holy, but especially holy, as a man of God, as one who constantly converses with God. The priest walks daily in the church of the Lord of lords and the King of kings in a royal way that no one can walk in. Glory to God, for life has now been granted to me and the life of my soul is restored from the ruins, a hundred times a day. Oh, incomprehensible mercy! Endless love! July 29. I thank the Lord for reviving me with the Most Pure Mysteries and for the entire liturgy, for all the high prayers and the high thoughts and feelings associated with them, for the tender repentance. This time it was extremely difficult and painful from the marinated salmon that I ate the day before after an upset stomach: terrible melancholy and weakness. Every sincere Christian must first and every day from early morning condemn all sinful movements within himself as ungodly, as an abomination, as madness, as an absurd demonic dream, and give himself the word to turn away from all sin. I renounce Satan and all his works and all his angels and all his ministry and all his pride 102, and vow to sincerely love every virtue, passionately love Christ God and fulfill all His commands. I am united with You, Christ 103. Otherwise, our life is characterized every day by uncertainty, inaccuracy, insincerity, duplicity, ambiguity: we are ready to serve both Christ and Belial. Carnal, sinful love is poison, the scourge of spiritual, true love, and therefore it must be avoided, like the poison of a serpent, murderous, killing all the sublime, noble, Divine aspirations of our soul. Nothing humiliates our nature, so exalted and exalted by God, more than carnal love, which turns the whole person into an abomination, into a shameful vessel of passions, into the dwelling of unclean demons. July 30. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the great mercy and strength, for the great deliverance shown to me this morning, at the end of matins in church, when the enemy wounded me with terribly hostility towards Father Matthew, a comrade, for the fact that I prayed for him and for myself, that He may make us non-covetous, compassionate and compassionate and merciful to the poor; May he, Father Matthew, be my assistant in caring for the poor, for, having tens of thousands of rubles, he accumulates even more and more and does not want to give away. The Lord healed my terrible ulcer, which burned me mortally and did not allow me to speak litanies and prayers, and I calmed down. Glory to Thee, all-merciful, all-powerful and free Doctor! July 31st. I thank the Lord for the past day and for the greatest blessings of the Lord shown to me, a sinner and indecent one, all day: firstly, for help during Matins during my service, when the Lord delivered me from strong temptations; secondly, during mass outside the city, when the Lord also delivered me from serious temptations (one from a hostile view of one boy, who [...] sang carelessly, as it seemed to me); thirdly, for help during Vespers with the saying of litanies and dismissal (and even earlier for saving the house in the garden from the movement of carnal love); fourthly, for the wondrous salvation late in the evening, when I firmly looked with the eyes of my heart at the all-seeing Eye, which watches over the hearts and paths of the hearts of all people, and immediately received a wondrous salvation from the oppression and sorrow that befell me for the movement of carnal love. Glory to the Lord who comforts me with His salvation! Glory to Him, who renews His mercies in me. I receive countless benefits for my soul and body from my faith in Christ according to the guidance of the Gospel and the Orthodox Church, and I do not know how to thank and glorify the Lord according to his wealth. Every day, through her, I am saved many times from countless evils attacking me internally, I receive great strength, life, purification, sanctification, so longed for and precious to me, a rational, god-like being, but fallen into the mire of sins and vile and soul-suffocating passions. Glory to the Lord for His holy faith, which there is nothing more precious in the world, for it is deliverance from sin and death, life, peace, delight, glory, strength. The church is the (border) of earth and heaven and heaven itself. Here is the throne of God, here are the angelic powers, here is the Lady, here are the cathedrals of the saints. How to behave in church and after leaving it? [...] Remember, remember more often the endless, imperishable beauty of the face of God and the endless, imperishable sweetness of the sight of God and despise the corruptible beauty of women, which is dust and pus; Marvel at the incorruptible beauty of the soul, created in the image of God, giving such beauty to the corruptible body, and judge by it the beauty of God’s face: if the creation is so beautiful, then how beautiful is the Creator? And teach both yourself and the beautiful, intelligent and loving creation to love the Creator and to despise the flesh. And beat the flattering foxes and fox cubs who flatteringly caress you without mercy, like robbers, like crafty demons. You have one sweetness - God, one beauty, the culprit of all beauty in the earthly and heavenly world - God, fix the eyes of your heart on it, enjoy it, breathe in it. Isn’t it good for you and the Lord that you are friends with sin? Isn’t it sweet for you with the Lord that you seek sweetness in sin? Don’t you desire the peace of God that you run to sin, which confuses you so much? Isn’t it generous for you in the Lord that you betray him and allow yourself to sin, which oppresses you so much, shames you, kills you? As from the face of the serpent, flee from sin. Learn to hate every sin sincerely, not to believe it, and to sincerely love virtue. Remember who and what you renounced and Whom you united with. Remember the words of the Lord: if anyone wants to come after Me, deny yourself, and take up your cross, and follow Me (Matthew 16:24). Remember in Whom you have clothed yourself. Today, before the thunderstorm and rain, it was hard for me, I had no appetite for food and drink, I felt like I had a fever inside or a generally painful feeling, as if from a cold. I thank the Lord for serving the liturgy and for reviving me with the Divine Mysteries. August 2nd. Saturday. Thunderstorm and rain in the evening. At the Grechukhins' place at the tea table and the Bible. Book of Job. Do you want to enjoy the sight of infinite Beauty and forever unite with Her in heaven? - Live chastely on earth and do good. Those who are pure in heart will see God (Matthew 5:8). Listen to what the Lord Jesus Christ says in prayer to the Heavenly Father about His disciples: Father! whom You have given Me, I want them to be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory, which You have given Me, because You loved Me before the foundation of the world (John 17:24). Think what it is like to be with the Savior God forever and to contemplate His glory forever! But He will not be seen by those who cling with their hearts to corruptible beauty, who are lustful in heart and body. All fornicators have their share in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone (Rev. 21:8). August 3. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard my prayer from above in my sorrow and distress and saved me from my secret sin - from lustful looking at a girl. This view was poison for my soul, darkness, relaxation, sorrow and tightness: it removed me from the grace of God and brought disorder into my soul. I was unfaithful to my Lord, the source of life, shrine, truth, peace, light, strength, freedom, beauty. Yesterday, during the all-night vigil, the disembodied enemy stopped me while reading the Gospel about Thomas at the end: There are many signs... almost to the end, only the last Words I said: let the believer live in His name (John 20, 30 - 31). I thank the Lord, who by the sign of the cross preserves me every night from the temptations of the evil one: seeing me protected, he does not dare to touch me. The Lady is clothed with the eternal Sun, the Sun of righteousness - Christ forever and ever. She is incredibly compassionate and loving towards the Christian race and especially towards the pious. She is our hope and cover. Glory to Thee, Lady Queen Theotokos! I am granted countless blessings through the faith of Christ, through serving God, especially through communion of the Holy Mysteries, I am protected from many evils, I am delivered from countless temptations, temptations, sorrows, troubles, sins, I receive salvation, peace, freedom, light, strength, boldness, hope, joy and cheerfulness, help in the fight against the enemies of salvation, I become a real man and clothed in Christ, deified. Glory to the faith of Christ! Glory to the goodness, the bounties of God! Glory to His wisdom, His power, His providence for us sinners! May all people know Christ God, the Holy Church and all that is good. August 3. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who did wonderful things with me during the liturgy in the Duma church, pouring out life-giving, healing, saving, cleansing powers on me. I was extremely exhausted from little sleep, ill health, and bad weather, but the Lord, through intense prayer, healed me and gave me strength, peace, freedom, and success in my ministry. You should not stare at the beautiful ones, because you will be partial to the beautiful ones and will turn away from the ugly ones, and this is unfair and offensive for the latter. If you yourself were ugly and people began to disgust you and despise you for your lack of appearance - wouldn’t that be offensive to you? And it is all the more unfair and offensive for a person who is not loved because of his lack of good looks, that very, very often those who are not good-looking in face are also very smart and educated and beautiful, noble and kind in soul, while, on the contrary, good-looking people are often stupid, and evil, or arrogant and proud, or flighty, crafty, etc. So, be fair to others if you want people to be fair to you. Be perfect in everything: both in wisdom and in actions. I thank the Lord, who has given me peace and strength, the courage to pronounce at the great entrance the names of royalty, princes, princesses and princesses, except for the Queen of Wirtemberg and the leader. book Ekaterina Mikhailovna and her husband. God! It is great to believe in You and trust in You, calling on Your name. Be the Helper and Deliverer of all who call upon Thee. God Almighty! Glory to Your power! About the power of the Holy Eucharist or the liturgy in general. By performing the Liturgy reverently and with a pure heart, we can and should strongly hope that through it we will ask God for everything that is necessary for our souls and bodies: forgiveness of sins, health and salvation to the living and good haste in everything - and God’s mercy, forgiveness of sins and repose with the saints for all those who have passed away in faith, repentance and the hope of eternal life. The Liturgy is omnipotent, omnipotent, for imagine what kind of Sacrifice is offered at it - the Only Begotten Son of God Himself. If God did not spare His Only Begotten Son for us, then how, how will He not give us everything with Him? (Rom. 8:32). The apostle wonders how it could be otherwise. So, priests of the Holy Orthodox Church, firmly know and remember what is in your hands the means to propitiate God for all people, even for the whole world, for this is a universal sacrifice, and always try to celebrate the Liturgy with a burning spirit, a burning mind and heart, putting aside all worldly cares. Oh, what a priceless, terrible, heavenly and super-heavenly sacrifice you offer, wondrous, reverent and terrible to the Heavenly Powers themselves! Pray strongly to the Lord that you may worthily perform this wonderful Sacrament. August 6. I served the late Liturgy with difficulty, in great weakness: for two days I did not serve the Liturgy and did not partake of the Holy Mysteries, and I felt in myself a great impoverishment of Divine life: sorrow and tightness in my heart, carnal, placeless movements of the flesh overcame me (I could not pronounce many words and sayings during the service: dismissal, the names of the royal family at the great entrance; In the first place remember... or representatives of church authorities). I lost the grace of God with a trip to St. Petersburg, partying, and gluttony. Lord, have mercy and forgive and sprinkle the dew of Your grace in my heart. Liturgy – spirit and belly; her spirit - so that everyone will be one in Christ, we must carry everyone in our hearts, and sincerely pray for everyone. Man is infinitely loved by God as the image of God, man is the fallen image of God, restored by the extreme depletion of the Son of God for him (thanksgiving to the Holy Trinity, who saved us), man is continually restored, renewed, saved by the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ, and adored. The Liturgy is a miracle of the greatest goodness, wisdom, omnipotence of the Lord God, a constant miracle, one must always be present with joy and fear when performing it, with love for God and with mutual love for each other. During the Liturgy, the Heavenly Forces always serve invisibly. I thank the Lord, who soon rewarded me for my gift to Aunt Olga Petrovna - from Burov, Grechukhina. Buy a map of Russia and Zuev, botany, Kiev antiquities. I thank the Lord, who honored me with serving the liturgy on August 11 and 12 (early liturgy) and communion of the life-giving Mysteries. People of the present century have become extremely fond of all-round corruption, the image of which is incessant smoking of tobacco, this smoldering cigarette or cigar that smolders the body, slowly consuming the body and aging before its time anyone who smokes a lot. At the council in the gymnasium today, Voznesensky raised an uproar because of Yukov, who smoked at the dacha of the gymnasium students in Rambov. I left before my time; I couldn’t sit for so long and was in the fumes of smoke. Why the unnatural predominance of the body over the spirit? From the foolishness of man himself, who has strayed into carnal lusts, or, speaking in a parable, from the driver himself, who unbridles his untrained horse and gives him the will to live in freedom. I thank the Lord, my quick Helper and Deliverer, who delivered me yesterday morning during the morning mass from my sins and troubles at early mass (from Father Matthew). I sinned, became indignant and angry with the sexton for singing “Rest with the Saints” instead of communion, and then I found out what Father Matthew told him to do. And what's so disgusting about that? This is my waywardness and lack of understanding. I thank the Lord, who gave me the sweetness to sing and read at the all-night vigil in memory, honor and glory of the Lord, the Mother of God and St. Tikhon of Zadonsk on August 13th and to perform a memorial service without stumbling for Helen. August 13. I thank the Lord for giving me the grace and strength to calmly and unfailingly utter the cries and dismissals for the deceased servant of God Elena Gavrilovna Fedorova in Neustroev’s house. I praise the Lord, the Conqueror of hell. During the funeral service for the dead, say to yourself: earth is all and ashes. I thank the Lord, who created in me a sinner this morning the power of His salvation, when I, having fallen into the sin of hostility towards my brother Father Matthew for his inappropriate words to me (regarding the signature of the testimony of the dead), repented of this in my soul and asked the Lord for mercy, healing, peace, salvation. I soon received what I asked for, feeling grace and Peace within myself. White pickled mushrooms (from Efrem Oreshin), although very tasty, are heavy on my stomach, and vinegar in particular, and white bread, or French bread, is always harmful to me in its lean form due to its mealiness. August 14. After carrying the late Elena Gavrilovna Fedorova out of the gates, out of embarrassment from the enemy, he did not utter a cry and dismissal, at mass outside the city of Empress Maria Alexandrovna. The sacrament revived, encouraged, strengthened my heart, and I served well. During the all-night vigil in the Duma, he did not speak out of embarrassment about the demonic dismissal; Christ, the true Light, said everything. God bless! August 17. I thank the Lord, who sent help from heaven to me, His servant, who was in confusion and cramped conditions, to serve a prayer service in the gymnasium and who gave me a word for the students. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer saved me from cramped conditions and sorrow on the occasion of the announcement by the director of the gymnasium that he was opposing me to receive the award of Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky in a year. Dignified and righteous. Too soon. But my incorruptible, eternal reward is Christ: He is my true adornment, He is my robe, He is my deification, He is my incorruptible glory. But everything earthly is perishable, vain, ephemeral. A terrible thing: the desire and search for earthly rewards painfully, painfully alienates the soul from the Lord, the Source of life and all good, deprives it of peace, light, freedom, boldness, plunges the strong into the clutches of the devil, distracts the completely spiritual gaze from the true purpose and purpose of life, from virtue, from the desire and search for spiritual perfection, from caring for our soul and for the souls of other people entrusted to us by God. The desire for wealth, a luxurious life, a luxurious table does the same. Look and gaze more often at the heights of heaven: see how majestic and boundless it is, what beauty - what is your Lord like, who promised to reward you for all your exploits, struggles, for all your good deeds? He is your eternal reward, your sweetness, your beauty, your shrine, your bliss, your wisdom! Be zealous for holiness, for virtue, for purity of heart, for impartiality, for meekness, humility, patience, and kindness. You accepted your good... You considered food and drink, luxurious clothing, entertainment to be the highest good - you received them; you do not have any part in eternal spiritual blessings, because you have not prepared for them, have not developed a perfect taste for them, have suppressed all spiritual needs and aspirations in yourself, having prepared eternal fire for yourself. Lazarus received evil, that is, punishment for his weaknesses, sins and atoned for them with his suffering - for this he is consoled here (Luke 16, 19 - 31). The beloved's song about the vineyard (Isa. 5:1 - 7) is terrible for everyone and for me. What if the Lord does the same to me as he did to the house of Israel? Terrible. And I am extremely sinful and careless. August 16. After the all-night vigil. Extreme struggle with oneself and with the spirits of evil; this is for gluttony (pie), for a cigar smoked from Vasily D. Nikitin. But thanks be to the Lord for His help to me, unworthy: grace conquered the immeasurable multitude of my evils, and I loudly glorified the Lord; Christ, Sveta... said everything. Not all vacation. I still stand at a very low level of spiritual understanding when I am carried away by an addiction to worldly glory, luxury, and meals, and because of these and similar empty things I am upset with people whom, according to the commandment of the Lord, I must love as myself, with spiritual, heavenly, Christ-like, self-sacrificing love. It’s scary, strange and pathetic: I love everything except God and my neighbor, at least that’s often the case. This is the wild state of a soul that has already known God. I hope for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the next century 106. Oh, if I would heartily repeat these words every day and hour! How useful that would be! I would not be partial to this transient life here, I would consider it as nothing, I would be immersed in thoughts, aspirations, desires in a future endless life, all-rich, all-joyful, all-sweet. I would not be looking here for honor, wealth, luxury, one-day pleasure! And now many ancient pagans, especially the sages who did not know God, are better than me, a Christian in name. Alpha and Omega, the top of my desires and quests, of all my words and deeds, may the Lord be. I am also an earthling, low in spirit and downcast and unworthy of the faith of Christ, the heavenly, holy, incorruptible and leading to incorruption, I am earthly wise, not heavenly. Oh, how exalted is the faith of Christ and how vile and base we are! Remember the prayers at baptism and their power, remember from whom and what you denied, to whom you were united. Remember to what extent Christ the Lord condescended to you, so that he may lift you from the earth and earthly passions to heaven; remember how the King of Truth was humiliated, how he was beaten, mocked, killed, crucified - everything for you, to save you from sin, the oath of God and death. The Cross of the Lord is your silent teacher. The simpler and more dispassionate someone is, the happier he is, but those who are money-loving, ambitious, devoted to carnal love, malice, envy, pride, drunkenness, gluttony, and luxury are the most unhappy people, because they are constantly restless, dissatisfied, having in themselves a never-ending worm - their passion. The name of the Holy Trinity must always be in the heart, in a pure, loving, dispassionate heart. The priest is the bearer of the spirit of the Church, or the Spirit of Christ, the spirit of love, shrines; the whole world is always on his lips, all people, of all ranks and conditions (prayers for everyone, for the well-being of the whole world, all Churches and their unification, for the goodness of the air and the abundance of fruits, for deliverance from earthquakes, floods, fire, swords and other disasters). He must always be devoted to the common cause, the good, not only think about himself, not please himself, much less his passions: regarding himself, his desires should be the most limited, he is everything to everyone. August 17. Sunday. I thank the Lord, after a persistent and difficult struggle with opposing forces during the liturgy, who delighted me with His wonderful revival after I received the Holy Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood; holy fire, quickening, renewing was in my mouth and in my heart and in my whole being; he said the sermon cheerfully. I thank the Lord for the wonderful success during my service of vespers, baptisms, and marriages. My greatest honor is the priesthood, which the Lord has vouchsafed to me, unworthy; there cannot be a higher honor than this on earth, for I am placed near the very immortal nature of God as the performer of His heavenly Mysteries and a partaker of them; I stand at the throne of glory, like an Angel, like an Archangel, like a Cherub and Seraphim. I am clothed in Christ, Christ is in me, I am in Him - what is higher than this honor, this bliss? What is higher than this power, before which the anointed one himself bows, before which all people bow as before the Divine, the greatest, able to open and close the sky? And should I slavishly seek earthly distinctions for one day, for empty vanity, for vain decoration, for the pleasure of the crowd? No: my honor is always with me and in me - this is the immortal and majestic image of God in me - the soul. This is Christ in me and the Holy Spirit, of whom I am a church. Only may I be meek, kind, humble, pure in heart and body, merciful and compassionate, a believer, trusting and loving in Christ. I caused myself extreme harm by drinking milk after eating watermelon: I greatly upset my stomach. Science forward. But I have also angered You, my Lord, with my greed - and I always partake of Your most pure Mysteries by Your mercy and stand before Your terrible throne. Have mercy on me! 18th. I thank the Lord and Lady for the mercy and help during Matins; at the Midnight Office, powerlessness of the heart, strong struggle from the enemy, strong grief due to opposition from the director, etc. to receive a reward. To what audacity I have reached, that I want to reward and distinguish myself, I, filled with countless errors, sins, passions, devoted to laziness and negligence, omissions from service: my heart has become completely corrupted and has departed from God. Glory to the Lord, who enlightened me. Desires of the land, Lord, establish me in You: I desire nothing besides You and do not seek anything except Your righteousness, so that I may learn and teach others diligently Your word, Your commandments. I thank the Lord, who saved me by faith in Him, my Sweetest Savior, from the countless golden ones rushing at my poor, passionate soul; I thank the Lord most of all for the Divine communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the wonderful life that visited my soul, mortified by sins; for heavenly peace, space, joy, sweetness, strength, strength, boldness and for the great light that shone in my soul, darkened by sins. Oh, how joyful and happy I was as I walked from church to the gymnasium. I thank the Lord for defeating the dream of a reward. I have the prototype, the source and focus of every significant and true reward in myself; I have in me the true, eternal glory of the Lord, true sweetness, true life, strength, wisdom, true, inalienable, eternal treasure and wealth, that is, the Lord. What do we have in heaven after this? and what did You want on earth? My heart is gone... God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever (Ps. 72:25 - 26).... All carnal beauty is dream, earth and ashes; all glory to the Creator, who created such beautiful clay and finger, and all love should be directed to the Creator and to His incorruptible image - the human soul; away from the charm and carnal sweetness of the fair sex. These are not sweet fruits, not toys of voluptuousness. August 19. I thank the Lord for the wonderful Divine life, poured into my heart and into my being, all through the communion of His Divine Mysteries: I became alive from dead, healthy from sick, strong from weak, cheerful and cheerful from sad. Glory to His mercy, which had mercy on me, the prodigal. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in the gymnasium from the great oppression of demons and for the easy, stumbling-free service in the church and in the tea shop, the reason for which was the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I praise the Lord, I exalt the Lord, I thank the Lord for His countless blessings! I will always thank and praise until my last breath. Wake up! Hey, amen. 20th. I thank the Lord, who has now comforted me with unspeakable consolation through the communion of His Holy Mysteries and transformed my weakness into strength, sickness into health, confusion into peace, death into my life. Thank you for the easy service of all services: Vespers, Matins, Mass. Oh, sweet life - Lord! 21st. I don’t eat and don’t eat at night, because my stomach is getting weaker and weaker as I get older. I sinned before God and before myself that yesterday, on a fast day, I ate cabbage soup, mushroom sauce with milk and butter, and in the evening I drank milk with black soft bread: my stomach was very relaxed this morning. Oh, animal greed and self-destructive intemperance! As a result of eating milk at night, I almost became defiled by fornication in my sleep, but I woke up in time. Cleanse, Lord, have mercy, Lord! Grant me, Lord, fasting for the health of my soul and body. I thank the Lord, God of miracles and hopeless hope, who has created for me a miracle of mercy, healing, cleansing and sanctification, peace, freedom, boldness, strength, and on this day during and after the liturgy through the communion of His wonderful, heavenly, holy, immortal, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. My soul miraculously, suddenly revived along with my body. But on the way to the gymnasium, I was tempted by thoughts, I wished for an award with an order for teaching at the gymnasium for ten years, I was indignant at the director and assistant trustee for their untruth to me, and I myself was extremely wounded by this in my heart: a scorching, sinful fire kindled, I felt extremely cramped in my soul. But then I began to deeply repent of the sin that I had departed from the Lord, desiring vain honor and reward for a work that is, firstly, my duty as a priest, and secondly, is a reward for me in itself, which is above any reward and for which God Himself will reward as for His word and about Him; I began to repent that I had performed this great task negligently and was worthy of blame rather than praise; that I was in vain angry with the director and assistant trustee, who had allegedly deprived me of a due reward. And I thank the Lord: seeing my earnest repentance, He had mercy and forgave me, giving me peace and boldness. So, the Lord Himself is my greatest reward - I serve Him, in His presence, and I expect reward from Him; I serve not people, but God, I will give an answer to Him and I must expect the last word and judgment from Him. He should please him, not people. 22nd. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great spiritual troubles that befell me during Matins: from the embarrassment, fire, shame, and oppression that came to me from all-evil spirits and from my addiction to earthly goods, to earthly honor and glory. At the Midnight Office and at the beginning of Matins I could not speak because of the fire and the crowd, but at the Six Psalms the Lord gave me peace and holy fire, and I spoke the litany cheerfully, boldly, without stumbling, and then throughout Matins in the same way. Before the special litany, the enemy again stumbled and wounded me, but I again fell firmly to the throne of the Lord, asking for mercy, and was again forgiven. Glory to the Lord! August 23. I thank the Lord, who constantly works miracles in me during the liturgy, showing me His mercy and help and miraculously reviving me, unworthy, with His Divine Mysteries, saving me from the great and difficult, evil temptations of demons. He was indignant and upset at the sexton because he sings the same thing during communion, without distinguishing between days, and then raises and then suddenly lowers his voice during the liturgy. I prayed to the Lord that I would not fall away from love because of this and that I would not fall into malice, for love is above everything, above even beautiful singing: outward singing. August 24. I thank the Lord, the God of mercy and generosity, who has granted me now the service of the liturgy (with weak strength) and the communion of the wonderful, Divine, life-giving, fiery, most pure Mysteries - His Most Pure Body and Blood, which have cleansed, sanctified, healed and strengthened me spiritually and physically. I thank the Lord for the victory over weakness, fear and confusion during the great exit and for the declaring of the faces of the royal house, all absolution, the Gospel at the thanksgiving service and the prayers at this prayer service. Wonderful and great to me are the mercies of my Master and God, for them I glorify, thank and extol the Lord, for all of them were given to me, unworthy and indecent, by His sole mercy and bounty. On August 22, I received the sad news about the illness (fever) of my son-in-law Vasily Ivanovich Fidelin and a prayer service was served for him in the church after Vespers. There was a premonition and then a sign (from the Psalter) that he would recover. Give, Lord! And at mass he prayed for him and his family. The Lord will not leave faith and hope in shame, although I am a sinner without number. August 25. I thank the Lord, who surprised His great, wonderful mercy on His servant Nadezhda Semyonova Kovrigina in the house of Baranov opposite the church house of the Vladimir Church. Kovrigin’s sister Ivan Ivanovich Paraskovya Ivanovna informed her of her recovery. We immediately gave thanks to the Lord who is everywhere. Glory to Thee, God, our benefactor forever and ever! I thank the Lord, who gave me a word for the prisoners going to Dinaburg (one hundred people) and a prayer service. The heart of Christ and the heart of His Mother are one and the same, for Christ is eternal among Her - God is in Her midst and does not move. Glory to Thee, Most Holy Theotokos! Glory to You, eternally abiding in Christ, clothed in Christ. August 26. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to glorify Him, God, in performing the Sacrament of Baptism over the baby Natalia at Mr. Kuroyedov’s, in the second officer’s wing at five o’clock in the morning. Premature baby of seven months. Against covetousness: The Lord is our acquisition, a priceless, eternal treasure. Thou hast given wealth to those who fear Thee, O Lord (Ps. 60:6)! Against the ambition of this world: The Lord is my eternal and exalted glory. I will exalt with glory, faith and love the magnifying Me 107. Against the fascination with corruptible beauty: The Lord is my eternal, imperishable, holy beauty. Let us see the indescribable kindness of the face of God. Blessed are those who are pure in heart: for they will see God (Matthew 5:8). Why doesn't the director give me money from the tuition fee? Orthodox Christians and all the saints in heaven are akin to each other as all those reborn by the Holy Spirit, as all in the image and likeness of God, as members of Christ, 108 of His flesh and His bones (Eph. 5:30), as branches of the one vine of Christ (John 15:5). But we must remember that this affinity consists in truth and holiness of life, in simplicity, sincere love, meekness, kindness, humility, goodwill, purity, abstinence, obedience, patience, peace, courage and other virtues. And whoever is deprived of this active wisdom, let him ask God, who gives to everyone without partiality and without reproach, 109 and it will be given to him (James 1:5). So, Christians, remember your spiritual affinity with the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, with the Most Pure Mother of God, with all the holy forefathers, fathers, prophets, apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, righteous and all saints, and live holy, worthy of such a high spiritual articulation. Lord, Comforter of the good! I thank You for consoling me in my grief over the untruth of the director, who many times deprived me of the due payment from the fee for teaching students at the gymnasium; I thank You, for Your right hand always rewarded me, so that I had no lack of anything with my family and poor relatives. You carry out Your judgments quickly on those who offend me, and the sooner the less I stand up for myself; Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord (Rom. 12:19). Let's see whether the cards will be useful, and whether the good taken from us will bring them heartfelt contentment? For the good (is accepted), but they themselves do not want to (share) it with others. I thank the Lord for the cathedral liturgy on August 26, for reviving me, dead, with life-giving Mysteries; the prayer behind the pulpit, which I wanted to ask Father Matthew to read out of demonic fear, but I read it myself and, by the grace of God, defeated the enemy almost to the end. Unless someone renounces all his possessions, he cannot be My disciple (Luke 14:33); By property here the Lord does not mean only material property, which cannot be completely renounced, because one must have the necessary food, clothing, housing, and the necessities of life in general, but spiritual property, that is, sin, lusts, passions, sinful habits, inclinations, all nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts, intentions, enterprises. 28 августа. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and tears during the Six Psalms while reading the prayers. Great physical and spiritual weakness comes from weak nerves and a bad stomach, from drinking a glass of vodka and from salmon pie. I live outside, not inside, this is bad. I should live more in the inner world, rather than the outer one, and not get carried away by external impressions of faces, food and drink, clothing, etc. He sinned against the Lord by being angry with the poor and threatening them with strangulation and imprisonment; признаю злобу мою, скупость мою, жестокость сердца моего и милости прошу и благопременения сердцу моему. Have mercy, Lord! Change, Lord! Cleanse, Lord! Save me, Lord! Задача всякого священнослужителя – приблизить к сердцу и искренно возлюбить Бога, Коему служит, Божию Матерь, Небесные благие Силы, всех святых, коих просит молить Бога о нас, коих прославляет и благодарит; далее, приблизить к сердцу и возлюбить искренно всех живущих на земле, за коих молится и в особенности своих по вере, также и умерших в вере и надежде воскресения, за коих приносит ежедневно жертву или молитву домашнюю или общественную. А мы как бываем холодны наибольшею частию, особенно к живущим на земле и к умершим! Every divine service is dedicated to the Holy Trinity, therefore in the church at every service the praise of the Holy Trinity is heard both in the altar and in the choir. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate the late liturgy in the Assumption Church and partake of the wonderful, life-giving Mysteries, which took death away from my heart and gave me wonderful life. (The metropolitan title did not express and grant them to Thy Holy Churches in the world, whole..., imagining Ascension.) Yesterday at the all-night vigil he did not say his dismissal, embarrassed by the devilish obsession of hostility towards Stepanova (Philip Stepanov) for her imaginary or real pride. Where can I pray for her with love!.. Love your enemies (Matthew 5:44]. And she only caressed me... Her proud manner... During the Liturgy yesterday, the enemy suddenly brought into my heart a strong coldness towards the Metropolitan and prevented me from uttering the whole exclamation: First remember, Lord, the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan..., as during the all-night vigil he brought hostility to Ekaterina Grigorievna Stepanova and prevented her from saying dismissal at the all-night vigil through fear and confusion. We must love and love so that the enemy does not consume us with hostility and enmity, but remember and mourn our sins, and humble ourselves before everyone, considering ourselves the worst of all and worthy of all contempt and punishment, no matter what it is expressed in. Otherwise, I am extremely sensitive and proud, impatient. Lord, have mercy! And last night at the christening, the scarf confused me, which is supposed to be with the font. Away with all covetousness, this is the breath of the devil. What do I need handkerchiefs for?.. What do I need this and similar decay?.. Lord, have mercy! August 30. Saturday. I thank the Lord, for He revived me, a dead man, with His omnipotent, wonderful Mysteries and gave me the word when reading the prayer behind the pulpit. I thank the Lord for the work of His grace that was accomplished in me during the Sunday all-night vigil, not during my service, but through Father Matthew. After bitter and fiery temptations regarding the father of Archimandrite Donatus. The enemy robbed me. Leave all judgment to the Lord. God! Даруй мне искреннюю любовь ко всякому человеку, к царствующему дому, красе России, герцогу Эдинбургскому, зятю царя нашего; к митрополиту нашему Исидору, от коего отпало сердце мое со времени грозного для меня его приема лет десять назад. Даждь мне смиренно мудрствовать о себе, считать себя достойными всякого уничижения и спокойно переносить уничижение. Господь показал меня как некоего Ангела или как самое небо, поставил меня у престола славы Своея славить непрестанно чудное и благословенное имя Его и, что не дано и Ангелам, давая мне почти ежедневно вкушать Его Божественное Тело и Кровь. О, страшное Таинство! Oh, the mercy of God! Каков же должен быть я, чтобы сколько-нибудь соответствовать такому дару Божию! Как должен быть свят, небесен, мирен, бесстрастен, незлобив, чист сердцем, прост, общителен, сострадателен, терпеливодушен, мужествен, возвышен умом, воздержен во всём. You will bruise his heel (Gen. 3:15). In the heel, that is, in the flesh, which has five senses, and the devil still bites us in the heel, dragging us away with the passions of the flesh, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. He stung the Lord of glory Jesus Christ in the flesh, although sinless, nailing Him to the cross and killing Him, stinging Him with death. August 31st. Early mass. I was subjected, sin for my sake, to the most severe temptation from the devil: I fell into enmity with the sexton Zrelov for the sole reason that he left the altar, fanning himself with his hand with an affectation, and throughout the mass I was in agitation because of this, seeing, through the action of the enemy, a mote in my brother’s father, but not seeing a log in myself, that is, my own pride, malice, envy, intemperance, internal fornication, ambition and all sin. Oh, the cunning and malice of the devil - to distract my gaze from my own sins, great and countless, from contrition for them, from humility and tears, and to notice small sins in my brother and for these reasons to despise and hate him! I condemn myself for this devilish action! Have mercy on me, Lord! September 1st. Monday. После парохода. I thank the Lord, who heard my heartfelt cry for mercy on me, a great sinner, when I, oppressed by demonic malice, scorched and consumed, cried out in repentance for mercy and forgiveness, when I sincerely, in the depths of my heart, repented. My whole being was at peace, freed from tightness, I felt freedom, breadth and coolness. Glory to the Lord! Grant me, Lord, to always love every neighbor and not be carried away into anger by dreamy pretexts (Zrelov). From the 1st to the 2nd of September, I slept poorly the night after the bath, because at night I ate black bread with milk and drank three glasses of tea: even in the evening I felt that this was a lot, and therefore I had a lot of exercise in the fresh air. Oh! I need to eat very little at night or not eat at all! September 2nd. I thank the Lord for the glorious and speedy salvation of me, a sinner, in the wooden wing at Chausov after the christening of the baby John, for from excessive drinking of wine and from hostility to the sexton Vladimir M. Zrelov, I was embarrassed, fell into darkness of thoughts, crampedness, and could not speak some exclamations, litanies and doxologies. After the christening, I prayed to the Lord for mercy, and He was merciful and granted peace. September 3rd. I thank the Lord for the speedy and glorious deliverance from anger and hostility towards the same reader. It was (that is, hostility) when we went to the sick Efim Nikitin and during the follow-up, how to give communion to the sick person; Confusion and crampedness took me: I heartily repented and prayed to the Lord for salvation, first in the house (K...) in the patient’s apartment, then in the church at the altar, and the Lord had mercy, healing the spiritual illness, took away the confusion, sorrow and crampedness. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer (1 John 3:15). Deliver, Lord! The sexton is a good servant, meek, efficient - that’s enough for me. He has never done anything insolent to me, he puts on a little air of importance before his inferiors, but this does not interfere with his good service. Я и предостерег его от важничания. September 5. Jubilee day of our Eminence Metropolitan Isidore 110 and the namesake of my wife Elizabeth. I thank the Lord, who called me to serve the early liturgy, strengthened me in the service, tamed my passions, enlightened my soul and granted the bliss of partaking of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries. Oh, evil suspiciousness! How she cruelly harms me, how she confuses me, darkens me, weakens me, torments me, kills me! Only yesterday I got rid of her with tears at Kuroyedov’s memorial service and found help from the Lord in saying exclamations and dismissal. Today, not seeing the sexton, (as a temptation to myself), for he hid behind the singers, I was upset with him and was embarrassed when speaking the exclamation, standing with my back to the people behind the deceased, and I spoke it incorrectly, completely at a loss. Как было больно это для меня, как уязвило, умертвило! My God! My God! Но воззвал крепко ко Господу, и Он спас меня. May He, the Wise One, inspire Ivan Ivanovich Sidorov to grant us a generous donation for the caulking of the Fire House. God! Благо поспеши нам, на Тебя единого уповаем, не посрами нас. Твоя есть земля, и исполнение ея, вселенная и вси живущии на ней ( Пс. 23, 1 ). With my upset stomach today I am especially irritable. Даруй, Господи, ни на кого и ни на что не раздражаться, ибо раздражаться нелепо и никакой пользы нет мне от раздражения, напротив, только вред и вред. Irritation will not improve matters, but will only ruin them, as happens to me. September 7. Благодарю Господа, даровавшего мне слезы умиления вчера в начале и в продолжении всенощной; Христе, Свете истинный не выговорил от смущения, которое случилось от рассеянности и неблагоговения диакона Петра (книжку доходовy престола перебирал). During the memorial service I thank the Lord for helping me to say bold exclamations and dismissal. Сколько утешения влагает Церковь своими молитвами, возгласами, песнопениями, отпустами в души скорбящих, стоящих пред гробом! And we still hide these wonderful, Divine words through the action of the devil! Grave sin! Speak and don’t miss a word! Away with doubt, lack of faith, fear! Пред образованными, знатными и богатыми века сего и надо наипаче возвышать голос Церкви служителю ее – священнику. I thank the Lord, who gave me, indecent, tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil, especially during the reading of the morning prayers. But my heart was fearful while reading the lithium prayer and at the blessing of the loaves, while reading the Gospel, before the dismissal and while reading Christ, the True Light: the multitude of people frightens me, God knows why. Deliver me, Lord, from the weakness of my spirit, grant me boldness, courage, and firmness. How long should I be cowardly? The unleavened pie did me a lot of harm, but I ate quite a lot of it at lunch (September 8th). I could not control my heart: it was as if it was not mine, coarsened from a lot of hard-to-cook fresh food. I sinned to the Lord before Metropolitan Isidore because I met with coldness and distrust the address of the entire capital’s clergy, given to him on the day of the anniversary (as if not believing his merits indicated in it (the address), and even the royal rescript itself. I am vindictive, sinful, remembering his coldness in receiving me, an unworthy priest, that killed me; I formed my own false idea about him. But I'm a lie. May I submit to the truth and may I revere the presence of my archpastor, may I wish him all good things from the Lord, his soul and body, vigor, longevity, wisdom, charity and the like... I know my evil and multi-passionate heart. I thank the Lord, who adorned our archpastor with His rich gifts for the spiritual benefit of his flock and for the glory of his name. The glory of the archpastor is the glory of God and the glory of the Church of Christ, and in glorifying the saint, we glorify God, who sanctifies him. The Lord gave me His grace without number, and without number I frivolously and madly lost it for the sake of gluttony, this ever-present, usual idolatry of mine. I am sinful, I am damned! I am ungrateful before God, not remembering His countless gifts! What will I do? When will I fix it? I don’t have the love appropriate for the authorities (and for the powers that be) and therefore I stumble in prayer from Belial, I don’t have love for the saints themselves and therefore often, out of fear of the devil, I don’t pronounce their honest and glorious names. The highest officials, they say, (Catholics), the middle officials are indifferent, the lower ones are superstitious. Go ahead in the love of God: love with all your heart the Lord, the saints, all that is holy, all sinful people, praying for them sincerely, as for yourself. The devil blasphemes all that is holy and saints - he does not allow them to be mentioned or glorified. Glory to whom God and the Church have glorified - do not be afraid. September 8. I thank the Lord for reviving me, killed by sins and Belial, for I came to life from the dead after communion of the Holy Mysteries. At the great entrance, the enemy crushed me - he did not allow me to speak the names of the royal family. Even before mass and at the proskomedia and afterwards, I felt its deadening, oppressive influence. Yesterday we saw off inspector Andrei Al. Meshkova - they drank and ate. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over the malice of my heart regarding the sexton and his wife during Vespers and after it, and the grace to, without stumbling, with boldness, perform two marriages, then the all-night vigil and dismissal in full. My passionate, uncorrected heart is rooted in rancor for the unkind, harsh treatment of Metropolitan Isidore eight years ago - I am still not disposed towards him and do not recognize in him the virtues that the sovereign, the Church and the fatherland recognize in him. I sin before God and the archpastor, and I ask the Lord, who knows my heart, for mercy, forgiveness and correction. I am dying from a lack of humility, kindness, patience, and obedience. I feel that Belial is wielding my many-passionate heart. Deliver me, Lord, from him. September 9. I thank the Lord for His great mercy: I devoured the faces of the reigning house, every last person, for the prayer behind the pulpit and for the dismissal. I glorify the life-giving, renewing, strengthening power of the Holy Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood - and now I have miraculously come to life through them. I thank the Lord for the victory over the invisible enemies during the special litany at Vespers, that the Lord dispelled their fear and violence against me. 10th. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from the flaming arrows of the evil one during my service of Matins and for my gracious and stumbling-free service. God! Until the end, save me, accursed and multi-passionate. Wonderful canon on September 10th to the Mother of God, Joachim and Anna and the martyrs (Minodora, Metrodora and Nymphodora). I thank the Lord for the wonderful revitalization of my being after communion of the Holy Mysteries: good, good for me then and then in the gymnasium and at home, and I performed Vespers without stumbling, cheerfully. But I sinned before the Lord by being inflamed with carnal love for a beautiful Lutheran girl who came to my apartment for instruction in the Orthodox faith. I was captivated by her beauty and comeliness, forgetting the commandment of the Source of beauty and holiness - God, but soon came to my senses and began to beg the Lord for mercy, enlightenment, cleansing, and pacification of the agitated soul. Yes, having felt carnal love and carnal attraction, I felt confusion in my entire being, darkness, shame, alienation from God. I had to go to the funeral service, and I was confused; I went to the church, fell with tenderness at the throne of God, asking for forgiveness, healing, peace, revival - and, I thank the Lord, I received everything I asked for. He performed the memorial service well. That's how insidious sin is! And I myself gave the reason for it by eating sweets and drinking sweets. Verzin drank sweet tea in a stuffy room that stank of fish, and irritated his flesh. If you have not corrected and cleansed your heart of passions, then you have not done anything truly good, although you lived for many years in the world and apparently did a lot. Bring a pure heart as a gift to the Lord, then all your deeds will be pleasing to God. September 11th. I thank the Lord, who quickly heard and wonderfully fulfilled my prayer for the granting of material resources to our parish Guardianship. The Lord unexpectedly sent us a thousand rubles from the zemstvo sacrifices for the fire victims. Oh, God of wonders and hope for those who hope not! Glory to Thee, for Thou hast so comforted us, the humble and the poor. I thank the Lord, who revived me again and again by communion of His Holy Mysteries, although I was especially unworthy of them for the sake of my satiation in the evening. I thank the Lord for his great help during my service at Matins for the spiritual pleasure in reading the canon and pronouncing all the litanies. The same goes for Vespers. Thank you for kindly performing the christening at the bailiff Pavlov. God! Do not let me be desecrated and imitated by 112 of my learned comrades, who lift up their heads, but humble them, humiliate them, so that they may know their vanity and insignificance. Show them that I am Your servant, even if unworthy, show that You are with me. God! Let not Your priesthood be mocked, for God is not mocked (Gal. 6:7). God! I didn't do them any harm. I always gave them a hand of communication. Chocolate in the apartment of the mother in labor, perhaps its preparation (in uncleanness) and champagne, drunk while clinking glasses with a girl of suspicious behavior, was the reason for the night's prodigal dreams, and for the morning anger in vain and sudden against Alexandra Ivanovna Tretyakova! Oh, what an annoying, embarrassing, oppressive, scorching, enervating anger! The litany could not speak solemnly and pleadingly: as if a stormy stream was carrying me away with anger! He repented later and barely got rid of her by the grace of God. May I, Lord, love her like a mother, she always accepted us and gave her contribution. God save her! 12th. I thank the Lord for the miracle of reconciliation for me of my colleague Nikolai G. Voznesensky and others, for which I prayed to the Lord strongly last night and then into the night, I prayed with faith, hope and boldness. I found my brother unusually affectionate towards me. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and who granted me the gift of performing the liturgy without stumbling. 13th. I thank the Lord with all my soul for the great help in the service of Matins and Liturgy: I performed both services by the grace of God without stumbling, with spiritual pleasure, with the greatest boldness. Through communion I tasted wonderful sweetness and life, feeling a life-giving fire within myself. At the end of the requiem service, I was seriously tempted by the fact that Father Deacon was commemorating his dead relatives, and I wanted to end the requiem service as soon as possible, I don’t know why. Because of the pious work of the deacon’s father, I became embittered with him and despised him internally, momentarily, through the action of my passion and through the wiles of the devil. Well, he pushed me back and tormented me! As soon as through the most intense repentance I got rid of his hellish, kindled arrows. I thank and extol the Lord, who heard my prayer on September 9, the birthday of the sovereign, Grand Duke Konstantin Nikolaevich, for help to our young guardianship and miraculously fulfilled it: the Duma accidentally allowed us to give out a thousand rubles that were not spent on fire victims. May this be deed and truth, and not a dream and a ghost, may we soon see this money and begin work on setting up a House for fire victims or a House of Guardianship. September 13. All the machinations of the enemy are strong and effective and deadly against me only when I allow myself to eat and drink in excess - in general, for gluttony and satiety. How long will I be mad and not love fasting? Today I stumbled, due to the action of the enemy, at the memorial service in the house of Fedorov (youth Irinarh the deceased) and at Neustroev’s at the prayer service because yesterday at Efrem Stepanovich Oreshin’s in the evening I ate mushrooms, ate smoked salmon and drank sherry wine, and at home I immediately drank tea with cream and ate a bun: I was satiated after lunch meat forshmak. September 14, 1875 Sunday. Exaltation. Because of the word “outside” 113, the enemy arouses in me a crafty lustful dream and confusion, when my heart is drowned by voluptuousness and satiety (today at Neustroev’s prayer service). Words, too familiar to my memory and mind, alienate and tear away from my heart, brazenly stealing them. Oh my God! Arise to my help and overcome the ethereal enemies who fight me (Ps. 34:2, 1). Someone else's money, given to me to distribute to the poor, is someone else's thorns, someone else's hard work and illness to my heart, a reason for ethereal enemies to especially torment me. September 14. I thank the Lord, who blessed me with the communion of the heavenly, Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. Oh, the peace of God! Oh, Divine space! The life of God in me comes from the Divine Mysteries. But why, after such mercies of God, do I still have a strong addiction to perishable food? Why do I eat greedily like an animal? How long will I abuse God's mercy? How long will I offend the Spirit of God? I cannot offend the Spirit of God forever; God’s wrath may soon flare up against me. Even then the Lord gives me over to the evil spirit to torment me for gluttony. Dignified and righteous. I sinned by humiliating the archpriest, by telling my sexton about him that he was greedy for money and was fierce towards his brother, the priest Semyonov, who was slightly concerned with his interests. At Fedorova’s funeral service I felt ill in the evening. Invisible enemies roared 114 at me with their horns. Oh, how timid and impatient I am! How my enemies laugh at my cowardice! Now, I know every service well, but due to the actions of my enemies I often feel like an ignorant person: I cannot pronounce the words, and especially those that are most famous and most often repeated: the enemies instill contempt for them and tear them out of my heart and lips. Woe is me! My brothers! build yourselves into a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, like living stones, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God (1 Pet. 2:5). You build stone and wooden buildings for residence and trade in various works of nature and human art, for needs, luxury and various pleasures, but if you yourself lose sight of the fact that you yourself must be built into a dwelling of God in the spirit and do not care about this one need, about what should constitute your eternal, inalienable property, your life, your bliss, what will all your earthly well-being serve? There is no point, because everything will pass, disappear like dust scattered by the wind. And you see this from experience. Here a person dies and cannot take anything with him - he goes into that age indigent, poor, pitiful, helpless, naked, and his property often all goes to dust, although, it seems, it was accumulated through the efforts and labors of many years. Or property acquired through long-term labors becomes the prey of flame one day. Do not forget that you are citizens of heaven - come more often to the house of God, to this heavenly school, educating you for heaven. For me, brothers, friends, fathers, mothers, sisters, mentors, ministers are the holy saints of God, these friends of God, citizens of heaven, my prayer books before God and intercessors. I don’t want to know vain earthly friends, I don’t want to vainly please, flatter, servile earthly celebrities, rich, learned, noble for vain purposes. If they are pious, God-fearing sincerely, then I am their humble servant for God's sake. But how often and how much have I pleased out of vain fear and servility! I was senseless, of little faith, and cowardly. May God forgive me. September 15. I thank the Lord for the successful service of the Liturgy and for life, the wonderful Divine life from the dead, given to me, the most indecent, in the communion of the life-giving Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood. (Early mass for the repose of George in the Cathedral.) I thank the Lord for the great victory over sin, won through the invocation of His internal glorious name. O name that contains countless treasures of mercy, purification, sanctification, peace, freedom, strength, boldness, life and salvation! Oh, the ever-worshipped, eternally glorified name, the name of glory, the name of strength, mercy, life! Cross and Christ: the flesh of Christ, united with the human soul and with the Divinity, was one with them. And the flesh nailed to the cross became, as it were, one with the cross: representing the cross, we at the same time represent Him Crucified on it, for whose sake the cross is precious and life-giving to us. The enemy hit me hard with dislike, dislike, distrust, envy, ill will towards the archpastor; That’s why I felt melancholy and cramped, but I stood up for prayer several times, sincerely repented of my untruth, my myopia and ill will, and the Lord had mercy on me. Glory and thanks be to Him! Not to love the archpastor means not to love the Lord, Whose image he is. My crafty and unclean conscience, infected with countless passions, is the cause of countless sorrows, stumbling blocks in serving God and in life: no matter what my gaze touches, it thinks about everything craftily, everything seems to defile and causes me confusion and sorrow and torment: I read the description of the anniversary of Bishop Isidore and thought: this is all flattery, and in my soul I did not respect and even despised and hated him as unloved, harsh and contemptuous towards me, although in dignity, for what am I unworthy of in my uncleanness and deceit? Meanwhile, he, Vladyka, did not reject me from the awards and awarded me the pectoral cross and the rank of archpriest. Or yesterday, while serving a prayer service at Gomelovsky’s and seeing the beautiful decorations, I slyly thought: this man stole from the treasury and lived happily ever after - and this thought myself was extremely embarrassed and slowed me down during the prayer service. Oh, I am an unclean pig, an unclean snout! God! Create a pure heart in me... and renew a right spirit in my womb (Ps. 50:12). September 17. I thank the Lord, who fulfilled my desire to serve the liturgy through the service of early mass in the Duma Assumption Church. I served, however, with difficulty and tears of contrition, I felt spiritual impotence, sorrow, cramped conditions due to gluttony and overeating in the evening at guests and drinking tea and wine: I did not know that there would be a mass. Oh, how gluttony weakens the soul and deprives it of grace. However, with the help of God’s grace, merciful, cleansing, healing, condescending, he served without stumbling, although with fear from the enemy. Communion resurrected me, strengthened me, pacified me, spread me. At three and a half yesterday I again indulged, damned, in gluttony and satiety at a party. At the christening at the customs, he baptized without boldness, in embarrassment, fear, cramped conditions, with many words missing; To top it off, he developed a dislike for the sexton for his supposed awkwardness. He crumpled up his prayers, got hurt, became embarrassed, and fell. After the christening, he begged the Lord for mercy - and came to life and was resurrected. Glory to the Lord! In the Cathedral, after falling to the throne, he was finally healed. Thank the Lord! September 18. Thursday. Today I was severely embarrassed at the christening of the rich man Sinebryukhov. For what? Is it for the sake of his wealth? Its importance? But what is more important than the Lord's priesthood? More important than the Church? Oh, we must behave with dignity, calmness and importance when performing all services and Sacraments and requirements. What do I care about the rich and noble? – The Lord is my wealth and eternal glory. September 19th. I thank the Lord, who, through my humble prayer, healed His sick servant Nadezhda Semenov Kovrigina, who had been ill for a long time and persistently. Wonderful, convincing prayers of the Holy Church, with which the Lord bowed to mercy! These are the prayers at Vespers: Lord, generous and merciful... Lord, let not Your wrath... Lord our God, have mercy on us sinners... then Holy Father... and the Mother of God: Stretch out Your hands... Also: The highest of heaven. If anyone among you thinks that he is pious and does not bridle his tongue, but deceives his heart, he has empty piety (James 1:26). Do not deceive your heart, O man, with various dreams, especially prodigal ones. Thou hast given wealth to those who fear Thee, O Lord (Ps. 60:6): I possess the source of beauty, wealth, joy, sweetness, glory, strength, life, that is, the Lord. What beauty, what sweetness, glory, earthly joy will captivate me? What wealth, what earthly luxury? Source of all blessings in every abundance, O Lord my God! Establish me in You, so that I may not be seduced by the corruptible beauties of this world, but desire to strengthen the treasures of future perceptions 115. September 20. From my heart, may I hate all-flattering, all-killing sin, and may I love holiness and truth, may I preserve the beauty of the image of God in my soul, or first may I restore it in my soul, disfigured by the passions of life, and may I be jealous of this and regarding other people, for I am a shepherd of souls by the grace of God. September 20. I thank the Lord for the twofold, miraculous salvation of me from cramped conditions and confusion of sins (Catherine’s servant, who was suspected of stealing sugar) and for the prayer of repentance, for the words of faith, for the granting of forgiveness, peace, freedom, and boldness. You are the illumination of my face, Lord! Thou art my adornment, as thou hast laid a crown on me as a bridegroom, and as thou hast adorned my soul as a bride with the beauty of Thy grace (Isa. 61:10). God! You are my wonderful wealth: hitherto, with You, I have lacked nothing, but have had everything in abundance. God! Grant me to be content with what I have and not to envy anyone for anything, but to wish the best for everyone, even my enemies. God! Heal the many wounds of my soul. God! Let me remember Your words: What good is it for a man, if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul 116 (covetousness is necessarily associated with the loss of the soul); or what will a man give treason (Russian: ransom) for his soul? (Matthew 16:26). Grant me to care especially for the souls of men, which You have given me to shepherd. God! Heal the ulcers of my soul: it is all covered in ulcers. The Holy Trinity is my beauty, my wealth, glory, strength, power, I am Her house, my dwelling, She is my deification. Christ the Lord is my beauty, my robe of glory, my incorruptibility, deification. The image of God is in my soul, as in every person. This high dignity was given to me on an equal basis not only with my brothers, equal to me, but also on an equal basis with all the great ones, with all the bishops, kings, and all kinds of dignitaries. I am happy, triumphant, jumping and praising God, the impartial Father of all. What do I need the orders and distinctions of this world? Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Trinity Consubstantial, Life-giving - this is my order, my beauty and glory! For me there are no great ones in this world except the saints of God in heaven or on earth, hidden and revealed. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near (Matthew 4:17). Where is this Kingdom of Heaven on earth? – In the Church, in its worship, in the Sacraments. Come to this Heavenly Kingdom on earth more often, be sanctified, enlightened, healed, strengthened, filled with the Spirit. As you move away from the Church, from worship, from this Kingdom of God, you will be possessed by worldly passions, various bad habits and the prince of this age with his dark forces, you will be covered by the shadow of death. Outside the Church there is the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life (1 John 2:16), that is, sin and sin. But he especially focuses on the theater, in this spectacle of everyday vanity, in this pantheon of passions and lusts. Be content with little things: great acquisitions can hinder your steps on the path to eternal life and put an obstacle to Christian perfection. My main thing is Christ and prayer to Him, purification of the heart, sanctification, peace, spiritual freedom, confirmation in God. I revere the names of the saints of the Old and New Testaments, especially the name of the Ever-Virgin Mother, for these are new, pure, holy people, full of light, strength, spiritual splendor, fragrance, incorruptibility, strength, glory. The Lord with Himself has scented our nature, stale from sins (censer). I am proud, stubborn, disrespectful, contemptuous, proud, angry, irritable, greedy, envious, hard-hearted, stingy, obstinate, insolent, fickle, impatient, lazy, negligent, frivolous, cowardly, cowardly, crafty, lascivious, intemperate, money-loving, man-pleasing, partial, crafty, capricious, naughty. If there is any good in me, it is from the grace of God, for which I thank the Lord. Correct me, Lord! From how many spiritual and physical deaths the Lord saved me! From how much madness, cramped conditions, darkness, fears, sorrows, scorching arrows, shame and all sorts of sins and poisonous addictions! I praise and thank the Lord! The miracle of the incarnation of the Son of God - this greatest, marvelous, terrible for the Angels and amazing for all the ends of the earth mystery is glorified by the Church in countless songs, together with the Matter of God, which served as the terrible mystery of the incarnation. If we bring songs equal to the sand of Ti, the Holy King, we accomplish nothing worthily... 117 September 21. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace and strength to perform Matins and the early Liturgy with a cheerful and triumphant spirit. After receiving communion, he became miraculously revived. Glory to the Lord! On the right side, near the nipple, the sucking was painful for the first time, apparently because he drank a lot of tea in the evening, or gave a kiss to Burachok, who smoked heavily, or did not walk in the fresh air in the evening. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to perform the Sacrament of Marriage in front of a multitude of people and three christenings. His mercy and help are everywhere. Thank you for getting rid of the anger towards the sexton who burst into Rusanov’s house at the christening. It seriously hurt and killed the spirit. O Divine Face of the Lord Jesus Christ! How exalted, most holy, beautiful, most luminous You are! All sweetness, all desire! Blessed are those who are pure in heart: for they will see God (Matthew 5:8). Give me, create in me, Lord, as the Creator, a pure heart. The Lord, by His human nature, sits with the Father on His throne and from the height of His throne sees the whole earth, all the worlds and spaces of the immeasurable universe, sees all the abysses and the hearts of all people. God! I thank You, for now I saw You with the eyes of my heart, when I repented of the sins of jealousy and envy of the sexton regarding his indirect income and asked You for mercy; You saw, heard and saved me. I praise You. (It was in the gymnasium.) The second coming is terrible: the Lord will then shake heaven and earth, the Heavenly Powers will be shaken, all the Powers, all the terrible Cherubim and Seraphim, all the Angels, witnesses of our deeds. It’s scary to appear before such and so many witnesses! September 23. I thank You, Lord, for You have surprised me this day with Your mercy and Your power, breaking the bonds of sin and death in me through the communion of Your Divine and life-giving Mysteries and reviving me, a spiritual dead man, and giving me strength and victory against invisible enemies. Satan stopped me while pronouncing the words In the first place, Lord, remember the Holy Government Synod and our master, the Most Reverend Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod... without allowing me to utter: grant them to Thy Holy Churches, just as at the great entrance he always hinders and weakens me for the sake of my voluptuousness. Why do I doubt about some of the dead, especially the rich and noble, regarding the Lord’s forgiveness of their sins and their repose, when the Lord forgives me, the greatest sinner of all, daily and especially in the Eucharist many of the most serious sins, for example, my constant gluttony, satiety, which is idolatry (Col. 3:5), internal impurity, malice, envy and other grave ones? sins. Why do I look at other people’s sins, but don’t see my own? Why do I doubt God’s infinite mercy and measure it with my own yardstick, my own yardstick? Why do I please the devil by despairing about the salvation of some supposedly greatest sinners, when I know neither their sins nor their repentance for sure? Why do I let the devil, the worst enemy of men, laugh at me and the dead? Arise, my glory! (Ps. 56.9). I am the greatest sinner, for I trample endlessly the life-giving Mysteries with my gluttony, gluttony and drunkenness, my malice, envy and other sins, and the Lord accepts me, a repentant, and forgives my sins and iniquities. Let me look upon myself as if the Lord is good to me. When I do not utter exclamations of glory to the Lord or exclamations about the resurrection and life and rest of the Lord for all those who have died or been dismissed, then, out of cowardice and lack of faith, I involuntarily, like a captive, do what is pleasing to the enemy of God and mine, and not to the Lord. I must be steadfast. My doubt and fear are sins, for they are not of faith (Rom. 14:23). For a believer, all things are possible (Mark 9:23). To bear sin, conquering God's love for mankind... 118 In prayer for the dead, we ask the Lord to forgive the deceased every sin... every sin, and not just some sins. Is not the Lord able to save from all sin? Doubting the possibility of God forgiving some sins, we thereby limit His boundless mercy and blaspheme Him. May this never happen forever. Yesterday evening I was at the Grechukhins’ and drank something very sweet with sugar and jam, and at home I also drank half a glass of sweet tea - I simply raged against idols and angered the Lord, and corrupted the church of my body with gluttony, and upset the Lord of this church, and gave free rein to the bodiless enemy, which is why he raised his head strongly in me. Oh sweets! Oh sweets! Great misfortunes! I was upset with the Metropolitan during this devilish teaching and obsession, just as sometimes I get upset with my sexton or my wife or sister-in-law for no apparent reason. Oh, Lord, give me unfeigned love and reverence as for You, my archpastor. September 24. I thank the Lord for the new trophy of victory, planted in me by His grace and the communion of His Most Pure Mysteries over the devil’s malice. One time, Father Deacon Peter did not kiss the priest’s hand during mass, and this was enough reason for the enemy to plant a spark of indignation and bitterness against the deacon in my heart - and then I gave up, that is, I fell, and the enemy, like lightning, struck my heart, entered it and began to torment, confuse, oppress, burn, and shame me. Through tearful repentance and faith and new communion, I could expel the insolent person from my heart, admitting that I myself was absurd, reckless, self-loving and proud, daring to become embittered at my fellow man because of trifles. Even if my brother really did evil, then I should be like a meek and gentle lamb. And the devil incited the sexton. My God! What an impudent fellow! And it’s all because of my gluttony that the enemy is strong over me: yesterday I ate and drank a lot. All passions are nourished and intensified by gluttony. Therefore fasting is necessary. At night I ate milk and black bread, and by four o’clock in the morning I felt tightness and pain in my lower back. There is no need to eat at night - it’s unnecessary. Is it proper for a priest who frequently receives the Holy Mysteries to make his stomach a cesspool? Doesn't he need strict abstinence?.. What do you lack from the Lord, a person who believes in Christ, especially you, a priest of Christ? You are not deprived of anything, you have everything, everything you need, and most importantly, you are deified by Christ, you have wonderful wealth, which, perhaps, you yourself do not know and do not appreciate. So, if you are poor in perishable wealth, then you are rich in incorruptible wealth, God’s grace - oh, if only you could actually sit down like that! So, do not be flattered by transitory wealth: it disappears like steam. A Christian needs another wealth - the wealth of grace, holiness, meekness, humility, purity, obedience, boldness, courage, abstinence, mercy. Grant us, Lord, such wealth! Enrich us with Yourself, enrich us with the Holy Spirit! Give us You Yourself as our heritage! What is best known to the mind, the devil tries to make unknown and alien to the heart and will, and therefore it often happens that people who are the most knowledgeable or learned are the most sinful, self-loving, hard-hearted, proud, ambitious, angry and irritable, while simple, unlearned or poorly learned people are of the opposite nature. Therefore, priests must instill caution in young students or learned people, so that they carefully avoid contradicting themselves and carry out the learned truths and rules in their hearts and in their lives, so that, observing the verbs of science, they compose them in their hearts. There were terrible incidents with one priest: what he knew most from memory was most alien to his heart, and sometimes he could not pronounce the most familiar words - why? Because he did not carry out in his heart and in his life what he knew, what he said. This is how a person should live wisely, comprehensively, with all the strength of his soul, and not with his mind alone, for man is threefold. Love God, it is said, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength and with all your thoughts (Luke 10:27), that is, so that your thoughts are divided between God and the world, not scattered, so that they are entirely occupied with God and the fulfillment of His commandments. September 26. During Matins and early mass, I felt great weakness in my chest, probably from yesterday’s mealy semolina porridge and mealy sauce (skoromny). During mass, he endured an extreme, painful struggle with demonic malice flooding his heart (all against the sexton) due to some uneven singing and haste. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was revived in a wonderful, Divine way, but after that the enemy again began to press and disturb me, and by the grace of God and only by the grace of the Divine Mysteries I defeated the enemy who fought me like a lion. Glory to the power of the Divine Mysteries. September 28. Resurrection. May God grant that you never go to a party anywhere after the all-night vigil on Sunday and never drink sherry and rhine wine. This morning I got up with a headache, and during mass I felt ill; I could not pronounce the royal family - my heart was occupied and entangled with enemies. On Sundays and holidays you should neither eat nor drink, especially wine. Yes, and during the all-night vigil yesterday I felt sick from being fed up at dinner with potatoes, meat, and turnip sauce. For a long time I felt the burp of potatoes. At the evening entrance, I almost fell when I had to go to the mountainous place - this is from the abundance of food. And today the blood rushes to my head. I thank the Lord, who healed me with the Holy Mysteries. He sinned before the Lord by being irritated with his wife because of empty things. I must serve willingly, without grumbling, my wife, widow and orphans - her children. Grant, Lord! Forgive the sin I have committed and heal and pacify my soul. The kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit (Rom. 14:17). What about me? I eat and drink, get drunk and overeat, damned one. September 29. I thank the Lord for the gift of communion of the life-giving Mysteries, which transformed me from ill health to mental and physical health and made me cheerful for the whole day. I thank the Lord, who gave me a powerful, clear voice during Vespers, unfaltering service with complacency and triumph until I saw the lieutenant with his young wife: the sight of the officer confused me, and I could not calmly speak the special litany and dismissal, and from this I was greatly wounded in my soul by the devil. I thank the Lord, who mercifully saved me from fire and cramped conditions when I fell to the throne. September 30. During Matins today I had a grave temptation when I saw Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky at the western wall of the church: I was embarrassed and speechless. Then the litany spoke firmly with the grace of the Lord and the intercession of the Lady; at the end of matins, again temptation from his anger at the sexton and then at the archpriest, who laid the most rude curse words 119 at the altar and stank to the extreme. I bought coconut. I begged the Lord about my sin and received peace and mercy. He served Mass successfully through the grace of Christ throughout. The life-giving Mysteries miraculously revived me after the cleansing of sins. Glory to the Lord! But there was also a difficult struggle - all with demonic malice. After mass I had a headache until the evening. After the all-night vigil at home [...] the headache completely disappeared. Glory to the protection of the Mother of God, which we glorified during the all-night vigil. God! I unceasingly glorify, albeit with unworthy lips and heart, Your power, Your Kingdom, power and glory - show Your power, always glorify Your Kingdom and power and glory, when I call on Your name, Your power and Your strength with faith and fear before You. But you also show it. I praise You, exalt You and thank You. You glorify the grace of the priesthood in me: glory to You, who glorifies Your priests. Brethren! Others! Love the Church: in the Church - your life, or your living water, constantly flowing with a spring from the ever-flowing Source of the Holy Spirit, your peace, your cleansing, sanctification, healing, enlightenment, your strength, help, your glory, in it are all the highest, eternal interests of man. Oh, what a blessing the Church is! Glory to the Lord of the Church, who pours out His gifts upon her in immeasurable abundance! Oh, believe, believe, not only in word, but in deed, in the Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, or the society of those saved in Christ. God! You are Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end of everything (Rev. 1:8]: give me grace from beginning to end, from the first to the last word, with all my heart, calmly, purely from the heart, meaningfully pronounce all the words of prayers during betrothal and marriage, and do not allow my heart to deviate into words or thoughts of wickedness, deadening my soul and puncturing my heart and tongue. Be! Be! Be! Let me be a pillar and foundation of the truth, for I am the organ of Your Church, who is the pillar and foundation of the truth (1 Tim. 3:15). September 30. Grant me, Lord, to perform every service with every affirmation of my heart. Amen. God! Despise my sins. Often during prayer the mind dozes and the heart sleeps, only the tongue chatters. What kind of prayer is this? This is dozing. It is necessary that both the mind and the heart are in full action: one must understand deeply what is being read, and the other must be imbued with the fullness of feeling. I see that my heart is my worst enemy when I want to serve God in spirit and truth, and I myself must be an irreconcilable enemy for him in order to do the will of God and please the Lord. The heart strongly opposes the truth of God, the love of God and neighbor, it deceives, blasphemes, commits fornication, gets angry, hates people, envyes, is irritated, covetous, stingy, greedy and indulges in gluttony, drunkenness, laziness, foul language, murmuring, swearing, cowardice, fear, dumbness, vanity, vanity, pride, ambition; it sometimes brings complete death of spirit upon me and completely destroys me. And if it were not for the grace of God - merciful, cleansing, saving, enlightening, reviving, strengthening, encouraging, then what would have happened to me? October 3. Friday. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me, a sinner, to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries into the world of spiritual powers. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in my malice and gave me mercy and peace during Vespers (I was angry with my wife). I thank the Lord for new mercy - for deliverance from bitterness at the memorial service at Yakovlev Ilya Nikolaevich for non-retribution when I made a slight bow to one woman (probably a Chukhonka). I was wrong, absurd: I should be a lamb even when someone really insults me, and not only when someone does not give me due honor as a priest. The priest must have a whole heavenly mind, a heavenly, meek, loving heart. I did not sing worthy of requiems and funeral services, because without love for the deceased I made prayers for the repose of the souls of the departed, with some kind of dreamy, slavish, devilish confusion and fear in my soul. I myself was a spiritual dead man. I repent to the Lord to everyone and pray to Him to grant me the grace to pray for the dead as for myself, for my soul, sincerely, with tears of tenderness, as for a fellow member, brother, co-heir of the Kingdom of Heaven, as for a member of Christ. O most beloved and wonderful image (figure) of the Cross! How were you sanctified and adorned and became holy, wonderful and life-giving? – By God incarnate himself, prostrated upon you! That is why your image is wonderful, holy, saving, life-giving, and desirable. For what was the cross until then? The disgusting tree of a shameful execution, the most painful. Glory to Your cross, glory to Your power, given to him for victory over the enemies of our salvation, for it is fair that that very tree or image of that cross on which You were crucified by your will and endured torment and unrighteous execution should become the surest instrument of our victory over the devil, who dreamed of completely killing You, of defeating You, Lord, infinite goodness and truth. Let us, brethren, depict His cross with faith in the Lord. October 4. I thank the Lord, who showed His strength in me in intercession from the invisible enemies who fought me during the service of Matins. He completed the entire Matins successfully, with animation, by the power of God’s grace. I thank the Intercessor of the Christian race, the Most Holy Theotokos, who has stood up for me and always stands up for me from opposing, fighting forces. I thank the Lord, who has given me the irresistible grace to perform the entire liturgy without stumbling in a cathedral in the suburban Trinity Cemetery Church (God in prayers; at the great entrance; First, remember, Lord, let go). In church services, the Church indicates to us objects and needs for which we must pray to God’s mercy with the undoubted hope of receiving them, because we ask in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, who said. And if you ask the Father anything in My name, I will do it, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son (John 14:13) (Holy Father, Physician of souls and bodies... 120). This is why we fold our fingers during prayer, depicting the Holy Trinity and the two natures in Jesus Christ, and make a cross on ourselves. Church history should not only be a listing of facts - it should be a teacher of dogmas and all Christian virtues for the student of the younger generation: the virtues of prayer, faith, hope, love, patience, courage, humility, submission to providence, abstinence, purity and chastity, obedience, etc. It should be adapted to the modern state of social mores and vices, of which it should be an exposer, from which it should protect. Students should see, as if in a mirror, all the shortcomings or perfections of current people. Thy will be done, Lord, because self-indulgence and self-will are the root and source of all evil, all moral, physical, family and social disaster. Send thirty rubles to the headmistress Augusta Alexandrovna to the women's school in Arkhangelsk. On Monday October 6th. Lent fifty kopecks to an officer living in house (K...) in Upper Shirokaya Street, the second house from the shooting range (after Tretyakova’s house). 1875 I thank the Lord, who granted tears of repentance and strength to perform the liturgy. At the great entrance, the devil darkened, knocked down, embarrassed, and I kept talking, enduring his dirty tricks, only I didn’t reprimand the Grand Duchess Ekaterina Mikhailovna, and I also didn’t reprimand them, Grant Your Holy Church. When he took communion, he became revived, strengthened, and firmly said the entire prayer of thanksgiving. U [A...] baptized at six o'clock in the evening firmly. The release was hushed up, he was offended; I prayed - the Lord had mercy and reconciled me. A prayer service was served at Racheva’s, I was embarrassed while reading the Gospel, the Apostle, all the litanies, at dismissal. Doesn't let go. We must boldly look into the eyes of everyone, small and great, ugly and beautiful, learned and unlearned, superior and subordinate, superior, equal and inferior. Do this in remembrance of Me (Luke 22:19). Because the Master knows our forgetfulness and God’s greatest blessings and because the remembrance of His life, suffering, death and resurrection and ascension is very, very useful and saving for people at all times and serves as a means of union with Him, our Head, for we are His members. I glorify Your providence, O Lord, for the poor and thank You for replenishing my funds spent on the poor. Behold, my hand never fails in giving to the poor. October 5. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to now celebrate the Liturgy, albeit with mental labor, and to be enlivened by the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me many times from my evils for my small repentance. Acquire wealth and inalienable, eternal adornment - meekness, kindness, unfeigned love, sincere goodwill towards everyone, hospitality, love of poverty, purity and chastity, self-control, patience, courage. Still, neglect what is here as of little value, transitory, insignificant. The Lady Theotokos is the very purity and holiness - She is not known by the unclean in heart until they purify it with humility, fasting, prayer, vigil, and tears of tenderness. She is grace and mercy - the evil and hard-hearted do not know her; She is humility embodied, realized - The proud do not recognize Her until they truly humble themselves in the depths of their souls. If you want to have the Lady as your Helper and Intercessor, love purity, humility, kindness, meekness, mercy, and abstinence. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; and if he dies, he will bear much fruit (John 12:24). Is this why God allows His grace to die and, as it were, disappear in me, so that it brings me and people more fruit? I thank the Lord, who showed His great mercy in me, His power in delivering me from my evils that befell me, and who gave me an abundance of peace, hope and boldness at the wedding on the evening of October 8th. God! Through the prayers of our master, His Grace Metropolitan Isidore, have mercy on me, a sinner, deliver me from all spiritual ailments, from all the snares of the evil one, and grant me all spiritual success. Hey, amen! Accept, Lord, the Primate of Your Holy Church, who prays to You before the throne of Your glory for us and for me, a sinner, as a presbyter. God! Increase his glory, for his glory is Your glory and the glory of Your Church, our glory. Remember, Lord, our pious sovereign, Emperor Alexander Nikolaevich, increase in him goodness, truth, wisdom, courage, strength and strength, faith, hope, firm and unfeigned love! God! Your gifts are unrepentant (unchangeable) to everyone, especially to the mighty of the earth. Grant me, Lord, to always sincerely pray for everyone, and especially for those who are privileged and rule over Your inheritance. I thank the Lord, who accepted repentance for my anger and had mercy on me and gave me peace. O Lord, abundantly merciful and long-suffering! How long will I not cease to anger You, Your transcendent goodness and love, Your bounties and mercies? Until I learn meekness, humility, memory of death, patience and generosity? In the gymnasium, you need to write on the wall the words of the Apostle Paul: Although I speak with the tongues of men and with the tongues of angels, but love is not imam... I am nothing... Love is long-suffering: God wears the wisdom of this world (Russian: God turned the wisdom of this world into madness) (1 Cor. 13, 1-13, 20). Knowing that your well-being is in the well-being of society, and pray for everyone sincerely (church services: Vespers, Matins, especially mass, litanies). October 10. I thank the Lord, who with great mercy had mercy on me before the wedding of John and Evdokia, who gave me the strength and strength to calmly, courageously, and firmly carry out the betrothal and wedding of these persons. I praise His goodness and power! After marriage, when I left the church, I sinned with the poor children, who were annoyingly approaching for alms, which they used for evil: I kicked one of them with anger. I repent of impatience and bitterness - not only for me, a priest, but also for a simple Christian layman, this is indecent and not typical; have mercy, Lord! When performing the Sacraments, the priest is the living organ of the entire Universal Church and, therefore, the organ of the Holy Spirit - with what firmness, degree, reasonableness, with what humility, with what purity should he perform the Sacraments! With what deep peace! Grant this, Lord, to all the shepherds of Your verbal flock! When performing the Sacraments and prayers, do not make any distinction between persons, for partiality is unfair and sinful: God is equal to everyone, the great and terrible God, before whom we all, all peoples, are nothing: their princes, and their kings, and the learned, and the noble, and the rich, as well as the poor and the ignorant and the unlearned; He is the equally impartial Father of all. Let speech be firm, clear, distinct, humble, but at the same time important, sublime, in accordance with the sublime character of the Holy Church, the Sacraments and prayers. Marriage is the sacrament of the creation of children (the creation of children, indicating the greatest wisdom and goodness of God and God's omnipotence). October 12th. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help in my great weakness during the morning of the Liturgy. Extreme struggle: from gluttony, from eating meat, the heart was completely exhausted. Participated in the revival. God! Grant me to proclaim with boldness the universal truth of all ages contained in the celebration of the Sacrament of Marriage. Grant that Thy holy name may be glorified with much power, with much boldness. Forgive, cleanse, Lord, the many and cruel sins we confess to You, especially my anger and obstinacy, my insolence. I multiply books, but do not clothe the poor. Oh, how crazy I am, the craziest of all! Have I not yet learned the essence of the Gospel, which is love and mercy? One saint sold his last book, the Gospel, 121 to show mercy to his neighbor, but I, having a thousand books, not only do not sell them to show mercy, but also buy them again. I repent, Lord, I want to correct myself, forgive all my previous sins and help me begin a reasonable, evangelical, selfless life. Hey, wake up! Wake up! The devil intensifies at every opportunity to mock the universal truth and the Holy Sacraments of the Church of Christ, when he sees a timid priest. Stand firm in the truth. I thank the Lord, who again showed me His wondrous mercy and power in church through touching the throne. My own: the consequences of anger towards the poor pressed me extremely, confused me, deadened me; I fell with firm faith to the throne and received peace and space, and then, after the requiem, and another time. I praise the Lord, who is near, my Hope, my deliverance, my strength. God-man Lord Jesus Christ, protect me, fiercely fought against opposing forces and confused. My Hope, My Strength, My Glory! Hear me! A priest, a servant of the God of love and His Church, imbued with the spirit of His love, must certainly acquire in his heart true, deep love for God and for people redeemed by the blood of Christ, created in the image and likeness of God, otherwise his service will be hypocrisy. When praying at home and in public, it should always be preceded in our consciousness by faith in the presence of God, according to His word: there I am in the midst of them (Matthew 18:20) (those praying or talking about God), or in the presence of those saints whom we call, in the ineffable love of God for us, always ready to grant us every true good, as well as the love and communion of the saints, in God always close to those who truly honor them and call upon them diligently and always ready to intercede for us before God and give us His blessings, if only we sincerely repent of our sins and sincerely desire correction. If we do not have this faith, then we cannot have sincere, fruitful prayer. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to marry in the church of the Technical School of the Servants of God Evgeniy and Alexandra Chernyshev (née Velikanova). The enemy pressed hard on me with embarrassment, fear and false shame and cutting off entire expressions and words from my thoughts, heart and tongue, especially the final praises in prayers. I repeated the beginning of the first prayer at the wedding three times, fighting the enemy - the third time I overcame it; at the end of the marriage ceremony he made many omissions; by the way, when removing the crowns, he did not express all his good wishes: Be magnified... and so on. The blessing of the Holy Trinity did not express everything, but only the first and last words - the mind, heart and tongue were bound by the enemy. O villain! I sinned before the Lord because I did not fight my enemies to the point of sweat and blood! From being in the Duma hall yesterday and from eating meat at night at night, by four o’clock I had a pain in my lower back; there is heaviness inside, the heart is rough. Eternal gratitude from the bottom of my heart to His Grace Metropolitan Isidore and for the fact that through his efforts the Bible was translated into Russian. This alone redeems his shortcomings and contempt, his unkindness towards me, the indecent one. However, I am worthy of it for my sins. To be angry with the archpastor is madness and pride. I sinned before God and people and before my conscience that today I severely tore out the hair of beggar boys for their importunity in asking for alms. I repent and blame myself a lot. For parasitism and idleness, I persecute them, torment them, but don’t I do the same thing myself, that is, parasitism and idleness? I thank the Lord, who granted me reconciliation with my sister Anna for my little prayer before the icon of His Crucifixion in the dining room. Cheerful, Hearing, glory to You for your ineffable goodness! Grant, Lord, success to this enterprise of mine. I thank the Lord, who has now saved me many times through the prayer of my repentance from my evil deeds. I thank the Lord most of all for accepting my prayer upon the arrival of my students (free volunteers) and for the gift of speech with them, as well as for the gift of speech in the gymnasium in the fourth grade about the goodness and power of the Mother of God, regarding the speech about the greatness of grace and closeness to Her Most Blessed God (about the third member of the Creed). Let us remember the angry visit of God that happened to our city, the fear and confusion that we all experienced at that time, this formidable, fiery element, which illuminated with its ominous light the vast expanse of air, earth and water and mercilessly devoured houses, the church and the storage place of all everyday belongings. Yes, the whole city then trembled at this terrible sign of the wrath of God, everyone feared for themselves, for their property, for the whirlwind and storm carried burning sparks, coals and brands far, far away; The flame in its terrible course threatened to destroy almost the entire city, but God is merciful, a limit was put to the terrible flame: at the granary of the city, I mean Gostiny Dvor, it stopped. But it could have spread incomparably wider and more menacingly and swallowed up much more dwellings and churches. Let us remember the mercy of the Lord, which was poured out on us in the very punishment and stopped our fears. We also feared for this church of ours, which was so close to the fiery sea, but by God’s grace it remained safe and sound. But woe would be for all of us without the church. Thanks be to the Lord, who delivered us from His urgent and righteous rebuke and had mercy on us. Thanks be to the Lord, who has disposed the hearts of good compatriots and even foreigners to sympathize with and actively help our fire victims, who hastened to us in abundance from all sides with their possible help. Who does not remember what a generous offering was made to the city both from the reigning house, and from the persons at the head of the administration of different parts of the state, and from various institutions and persons in many regions of Russia? In due time, benefits were issued to fire victims, and very soon premises were arranged for poor fire victims with the help of capital generated from donations for them. October 18. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord with all my soul, for he gave me the grace to pray with tenderness and tears at the Sunday all-night vigil for myself and for the people of the Lord; I thank the Lord, who strengthened my soul to say calmly, slowly, release for the entire all-night vigil. Looking at the holy throne, the altar, at the royal doors in the church, at their images, at the local icons of the Savior and the Mother of God, the apostles and saints, I am amazed, on the one hand, at the endless goodness and immeasurable condescension of the Lord towards us, who has descended to the form of a slave, and on the other, at my inattention and ingratitude to God regarding such blessings of God towards me and my negligence and laziness to always diligently serve the Lord and fulfill His commandments. Oh, how the Lord honored and exalted us with His incarnation! He united what is above with what is below, Angels with men, He gave us heaven, He consumed our corruption, He granted resurrection. My wife, as a human being, has sinned against You and me: forgive her, Lord, and plant obedience and conjugal love in her heart. And I, as a man, have sinned: forgive me and instill in me meekness, humility, patience, love and peace. Wake up! Wake up! October 19. Fix her, Lord! For me it is a great insult and a great lie. But grant me, Lord, to love and respect her as a wife, as a person, as a member of Yours and mine, although weak and wayward. Wake up! I am angry with my wife because she does not submit to me in just deeds and because she has separated and is separating me from communication with my comrades in the service and with parishioners, does not allow anyone into the house for the sake of hospitality, runs away from everyone wildly, like a beast, and wants to live only for herself and her sister and children. He hates my family with complete hatred. October 18. Yesterday I ate cod with quick butter and potatoes, and they burdened me, especially the butter: I became heavy, lazy, and in my limbs there was fornication. I wanted to sleep early and couldn’t do anything. On fasting days, bread and water or tea are enough, and even then a little. Eleven o'clock in the evening on October 18th. I sinned by saying in a state of irritation (from my wife’s contradiction) the following words to my wife: “descend into corruption” - because she often does not submit to my desires and is extremely willful. I invited Andrei Al Petrov to the feast. and the headman and told her, but she biliously began to contradict me. I lost patience and angrily told her: go down into corruption. It's angry and quite proud... There is one body and one spirit, just as you are called to one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all (Eph. 4:4 – 6). We must remember our unity with the heavenly Church and with all our earthly brothers, especially during public prayer and in their needs and disasters, and selflessly do good to them; to call upon the heavenly members of the Church of Christ with faith and hope. Having remembered our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints, let us commend ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God. Our dead man. Each of us has a single soul that dies, and we are careless, do not care, and do not regret it. How worthy of tears is this? Our Mother, the Holy Church, weeps for us who are perishing. In today's Gospel we see in the Divine majesty of our Lord Jesus Christ, raising with the word a dead man carried to burial. This was when the Lord and His disciples entered with a multitude of people into the city of Nain. They carried out their mother's dead only son, and she was a widow, and many people went with her. Seeing her, the Lord took pity on her and told her: don’t cry. And, approaching, he touched the bed, the carriers stopped, and He said: young man! I'm telling you, get up. The dead man got up, sat down and began to speak; and Jesus gave him to his mother. And everyone was seized with fear, and they glorified God, saying: A great prophet has arisen among us, and God has visited His people. In what simplicity, accessibility and at the same time in what greatness of the Divine we see here, at the city gates of the city of Nain, the Lord Jesus Christ (Luke 7, 11 - 17]! The Almighty Creator of the world and all ages in the form of a man walks, surrounded by disciples and pressed by immense crowds of people, talking about the Kingdom of God, healing various diseases and performing countless miracles. Unapproachable even for Angels, he became an approachable person for everyone 122; from one touch of Him, even the hem of His garment, the sick are healed, from one word of His the dead are raised. Oh, how we would like, you say, to see the Lord, to touch Him, to hear Him, to receive healing from Him! But apparently He is not among us, you say, we are deprived of seeing Him, He does not now perform such miracles among us as He did then! Calm down: the Lord is still with us and works great miracles, although, however, not in that visible form, but in another - in the form of bread and wine in the Sacrament of Communion or invisibly through prayer and faith! Indeed, what a marvelous miracle! In the Sacrament of Communion, the Lord is essentially, personally present in all, Divinity and humanity, and constantly works wondrous miracles with all who truly receive communion: heals illnesses, resurrects souls killed by sins, creates peace in souls, cleanses, sanctifies, consoles, strengthens, encourages - in general, makes wonderful changes in people not dreamily, not ghostly, but truly, truly, tangibly! What blessedness are those who believe in the Lord! Sons of men! Why are you dying - dying a spiritual, sinful death, when the Source of life is so close to you? Now, for each of us, like that mother mentioned in the Gospel, it is as if our only child - our soul - perishes in sins. Why should we die? The Lord Himself, the Giver of life, is with us. Arise, O sleeper, and rise from the dead, and Christ will give you light (Eph. 5:14). Hurry immediately to repentance, to internal repentance, secret before God, and in due time to open repentance, before the servants of the altar, and you will rise in your soul. The holy Angels are crying for you, the Church of God is grieving for you, because your so precious soul, created in the image and likeness of God, redeemed by the blood of the Son of God, perishes and becomes the prey of the enemy of God and man - the devil, and you do not please. Rise up, turn to God and you will be saved: your father’s arms are always open to you. Not wanting our eternal destruction, the Lord punishes us in this life in order to discipline us with punishment, turn us to repentance and correct us. Sometimes this punishment of the Lord is terrible; Let's take for example last year's disaster in our city - a terrible fire. Who among us did not tremble then for ourselves and for others, when the flames spread like a river and houses seemed to melt in its flow? If only a little more, the flames would have moved a little to the south, and almost the entire city would have burned down. But the Lord had mercy on us through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, who protected us with Her protection. And the fire was a lesson for all of us not to indulge in carelessness and lawlessness, not to destroy our souls in the fire of Gehenna, for the sin-loving soul already carries within itself the beginnings of the fire of Gehenna, and temporary fire is an image of eternal fire, incorruptible, unquenchable, incomparably fiercer than present, elemental, corruptible, temporary fire. This fire, devouring our homes and belongings, is also terrible - a thousand times more terrible than the future fire, in which unrepentant sinners will suffer forever and ever and perish forever. God is eternal, His wrath against the unrepentant is eternal. Let us thank the Lord for the fact that we have been saved from the fire, we are still alive and have the time and opportunity to repent. Arise through repentance, sleeping sinner, and rise from the dead, and Christ will sanctify you and revive you. Amen. Behold, I give you power to tread on snakes and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will harm you (Luke 10:19)! What greatness and what power of my Lord! Grant, Lord, to me, too, unworthy, this power of glory for the sake of Your name, so that I may avoid all sin! However, do not rejoice in this, says the Lord, that the spirits obey you (so as not to fall into conceit and pride), but rejoice in the fact that your names are written in heaven (Luke 10:20), that you have left all worldly passions, loved the heavenly life, became heavenly, loved with all your heart Me, the heavenly King of glory, and therefore you are written in heaven. Grant that I too, O Lord, may become high by Thy grace. The Most Holy Virgin Theotokos was given from God the fullness of Divine gifts. She is a miracle of God’s perfections, She is like the universal sun, the universal fragrance of the holy, goodness that overflows to all the faithful, unimaginable power, ineffable wisdom, purest love, fiery, all-encompassing, quickly obedient. God! From this day forward, all the days of my life, fill my heart with Divine, fiery love for You, love that surpasses all minds, and sincere, unfeigned love for others. October 19, 1875. I thank You, Lord, for peace with my wife. The Lord found spiritual integrity in simple fishermen and, as whole and undamaged by the wisdom of the age, worldly pride, worldly passions, He judged them to be capable of sublime, heavenly preaching and heavenly life on earth, to accept the priceless, greatest treasure of the faith of Christ, heavenly hope and Divine love, to endure all the evangelical labors, to complete self-sacrifice. Do not complain, wise men of this age, that from among your class the Lord did not choose apostles for Himself, for among you no suitable people were found: it is said to be wise, to judge 123 (Rom. 1:20-23). October 19. It was hard for me, my heart worn out from the pleasures of life, to serve the liturgy, especially with a strong stomach: my voice was forced, strong, my nerves were extremely irritable. But I thank the Lord, who revived me with the Holy Mysteries. The sermon was well said. I couldn’t pronounce the royal family’s name at the great entrance out of embarrassment; let go too - from the violence of the enemy and from the fear of the enemy. Vespers was short - I missed all the litanies in order to evade the enemy's slander, but the ethereal villain scolded me at the wedding in front of a multitude of people - he confused me, weak, fearful, cowardly, when reading the prayers and stole words and feelings from my heart, did not finish reading or did not read several prayers at all. There are many people - there are many demons, there are many temptations. October 20. I thank the Lord (and the Most Pure Mother of God), who showed me great, quick help during Matins, together with the Matter of my God, when I needed to say the great litany and direct the further morning service. At the beginning of the service for the Midnight Office and at the beginning of the Matins, he was extremely weak in heart, paralyzed from the bodiless enemies, and when, having read the morning prayers, he looked with faith to the Lord and to the Lady, he was immediately strengthened in spirit and heart, came to life, was encouraged, and prayed peacefully and without stumbling; I read the canon with delight; I spoke the small litanies without stumbling; I only spoke the petitionary litany out of fear and with omissions, because I doubted or dreamed about myself that I was established. I thank the Lord, who soon heard me and had mercy on me in the apartment of the thief Artemy, when I brought repentance to God in my rage against the man who asked for prayer in Murashov’s house, and who also heard during the prayer service itself, when I stumbled from doubt in prayer, and was wounded and weakened in heart; again the Lord strengthened. Glory to the Lord of hosts! It’s a wonderful thing, a joyful thing: a priest has the authority from God to teach people His blessing. Happy is he who accepts this blessing with faith! Blessed is the priest who with faith teaches the blessing of the Lord to people. By reviving the flesh, that is, (the passions of life), you revive sin in yourself, you arm the entire horde of passions against your soul. Is your soul your enemy? Raich - write a letter to Father Barfolomeev. (Speech at the gymnasium). In order to recreate me by the darkness of times, You, Lord, by the darkness of the times recreated Yourself on the holy throne during the sacred rite of the liturgy, and I was recreated, renewed by the communion of Your Holy Mysteries - glory to Your immeasurable compassion! But even through the prayer of faith, You have had mercy on me without number, pacified me, and cleansed my sins. Glory to You! Do not destroy me completely, Lord, I am a miracle of Your mercy, but save me to the end, Lord! Let the old man die so that the new man may live. Do not mourn when the old man is scourged. Become poor voluntarily for the sake of him who impoverished us for the sake of the will of the Lord of glory. The Lord is self-existence, self-goodness, self-light, self-wisdom, self-beauty, self-love, self-sweetness, self-strength, self-truth, self-freedom, self-peace, self-glory, self-richness, self-infinity. Let us serve Him, let us cleave to Him completely, Let us love Him completely, as those who came from Him, who received every good from Him and through Him were saved from countless evils, from evils generated by self-love, malice, envy, pride, self-will and self-indulgence, carnality, excessive eating and excessive drinking, covetousness, lust, wickedness and countless sins. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy on October 20 and for the sweetness, vitality and power of the communion of the Holy Mysteries. But on vacation I was afraid of a ghostly demonic (and human) fear; did not finish his dismissal, did not mention the holy great friends of God, lost his support in them and was embarrassed - wounded, struck to the very heart by the devil, for a long time deprived of God's help both during the procession and at public prayer inside Gostiny Dvor. Serves it right. I thank the Lord and Lady for their greatest help during Matins and during the recitation of the great litany, the canon, small litanies and the special one. The apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, holy fools for Christ's sake unanimously and sincerely responded to the voice of the one Teacher - Christ and also followed His example, realizing His heavenly, life-giving teaching in word and deed. They set an example of obedience to the Lord, an example of witnessing the truth to the whole world. How life-giving, brilliant, powerfully the heavenly, wise, life-giving teaching of the Lord Jesus Christ resonated in them, the saints of God! What a reproof the whole life of holy people serves for those who do not believe in Him, including me, lazy and voluptuous and full of all sorts of passions! Oh, grant me, Lord, to always read Your word and look at Your life and at the life of Your friends and imitate You and them taught by You. Carnal love is the destruction of true love for God, neighbor and oneself; love for earthly goods is also the destruction of true love, and therefore the saints despised the flesh as sinful and transitory, but were diligent about the immortal soul - and the Lord commanded to deny oneself (Luke 9:23), the apostles taught to crucify the flesh with passions and lusts (Gal. 5:24). I, a sinner, am greedy, pleasing the belly, I eat and drink excessively and generally worry a lot about the pleasure of the flesh and its health, and therefore I fall away from true love. I repent. Have mercy and correct, my Lord! I work for the flesh, and not for the Lord, I, the accursed one. Convert me, Lord, and I will be converted. I created dust throughout the mind 124. Where is the former repentance? I thank the Lord for the grace of contemplation and tenderness given to me yesterday during the all-night vigil. Oh, what care human nature has received from God, how ennobled and exalted by the incarnation and incarnation of the Son of God. What a strong, loving, cheerful Helper was given to people in the Mother of God, what helpers were given in the holy saints of God, who pleased God in many different ways! What infinitely loving care the Lord has shown and continues to show in the structure of His Church on earth, in its teaching, in its Sacraments, worship, statutes, in its hierarchy, leading Christians to God, to virtuous living in the Church, teaching, ministering, healing, comforting, enlightening, purifying, sanctifying, governing, saving! Glory to the Lord! Glory to the Holy Spirit, glory to God the Father, who was so pleased. October 22. I thank the Lord, who raised me from the dead through the communion of His life-giving Mysteries; I was dead in heart, weak in body from drinking wine (sauternes) yesterday and eating meat and milk in the evening - but the Lord bowed to my sighs and tears and had mercy on me and again gave me the grace of life. Glory to Him! And yesterday I tasted the greatest bliss of communion of the Holy Mysteries and celebrated mass in a solemn voice, loudly, without stumbling. I praise the Lord! Gluttony weakens and kills the soul and body. Abstinence strengthens. The Church is the best friend of every Christian: the priest must be the bearer and exponent of this spirit in relation to all the laity. The Church is our best, spiritual, most tender mother. – A priest must be the bearer and exponent of the spirit of maternal love for the laity, therefore he is called a father and calls them children. So be it. October 25. I thank the Lord for His gracious help to me, unworthy, yesterday during the early liturgy and baptism of Lieutenant-Commander 125 Konstantin Matveevich, the son-in-law of Shvonk the doctor, and Ananyin. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival of the Holy Mysteries and for serving the early Liturgy without stumbling, with a clear and loud voice. After Matins. He served the Midnight Office and the beginning of Matins calmly, without stumbling, with God’s help; Litany of the Midnight Office, Matins after the Six Psalms, he said firmly, but when he heard that my sexton Zrelov was confused, not knowing how to administer the funeral section of Matins, I was upset with him, became embittered, and so the devil, taking the pretext of my grief, entered into me and began to extremely confuse, scorch and oppress me, bringing shame upon me inside and outside; from that time on, I began to suffer greatly in my soul, not leaving indignation towards the sexton (although I wanted it and prayed to God); he spoke the funeral litany restlessly; he stole the small litany, and completely omitted the major litany; I couldn’t fully say I was free and then I suffered for a long time due to cramped conditions. Without saying the litany purely out of fear of the devil, I did worse - it was better to speak, calling on God for help, than to leave, the enemy was more triumphant. So, I blame myself: I fell away from love, which is the only thing needed, I destroyed the commandment of love, I caused the greatest harm to myself. It was necessary to cover the sin of brotherly ignorance with love, but I revealed the sin, exaggerated it, hated my brother for it, fell from God and from His grace and became a slave to the devil, this leader and self-maker of malice and wickedness. And my reader is meek and kind, and generally diligent in his work, and correct, but here he had only ignorance and oblivion. May the Lord not blame him! Forgive me, Lord, my grave sin, and correct and strengthen my heart. To me, who works for the clergy, surpluses from parishioners are given to the poor, and I must be prudent. How much do you owe 126 to my Master? – One hundred measures of oil; Take your scripture and sit down and write fifty (Luke 16:5-6). My brothers themselves admit that they are extremely rich, and they are rich because they did not give to the poor and constantly stole what belonged to the poor during their lifetime. October 26. Resurrection. I praise the immeasurable mercy of God, for the Lord has now granted me to perform the Divine Liturgy, although with obstacles from invisible enemies, and in cramped conditions, pressure, initial coldness, confusion, but clearly, loudly, with overcoming the devil’s confusion at the great entrance. Only at the commemoration of Metropolitan Isidore, out of fear of the devil, I missed the Finnish ... grant them to Thy Holy Churches, and on dismissal I missed the names of the saints. After communion he came to life from death, but the struggle continued with sins. I praise the immeasurable mercy of God, which granted and accepted my repentance for the grave sin I committed - rage at the poor and torment for the hair of some of them. Oh, how I was outraged by their persistent, persistent requests - how embittered, how humiliated! What remorse or burning I felt in my conscience! But he cried out to the Lord sincerely in repentance, asking for mercy - and a wondrous miracle! peace instantly penetrated into the heart, along with freedom and spiritual spaciousness, with boldness, healing of the soul! I walked along the street and prayed and there I met the mercy of the Lord. Tomorrow I received an invitation to serve early mass in the Duma Church, the mercy of peace, the sacrifice of praise. I thank the Lord for fulfilling my desire! Grant me, Lord, to correct myself in my heart from my passions, especially anger, malice, pride, self-indulgence, negligence, laziness, hard-heartedness, intemperance, fornication, drunkenness... I marvel at the abyss of God’s mercy and patience! Grant me, Lord, to reward the beggar I have offended! October 27. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the early liturgy and partake of His life-giving Mysteries without condemnation. Yesterday’s sin, however, against God and against the beggar tormented me and deprived me of boldness for some time, although I repented. Now, in the evening, when I was reconciled with the one who had been offended by me (through a beggar) and promised to satisfy him, I received great boldness before God in prayer, and at Mr. Boyel Plato’s, in front of a noble audience, I boldly performed a prayer service loudly and smoothly. I thank the Lord for this! Milk had a bad effect on me on the night of October 28th. I never need to drink this animal food at night. God, have mercy and save me! I thank the Lord, who saved me from fornication, passionate attraction, from imagination. He called out to God and was saved from this sinful inflammation and relaxation. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the captivity of sin (prodigal lust), when I, having begun to be overcome by it, cried out to the Lord for help. Always save me, Lord, from this lovely passion. October 29. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to complete two marriages without stumbling. God! May the Kingdom come to my heart. May the kingdom of all-charming, all-destructive, all-fascinating sin be completely eradicated. May Your good Spirit guide me to the right land (Ps. 142:10). I sinned before God - yesterday I was upset with teacher Udaltsov for his ignorance, unfriendliness, lack of hospitality after all my former greetings, but for this grief I severely suffered from the spirit of malice, [...] and kindled a feeling of malice in me: fire, cramped conditions and shame were a punishment for this in me for the whole class. I felt like I didn’t belong; I was very angry with Palyanov for his prank and kicked him out of the class. Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you (Matthew 5:44) - I didn’t do this at first, but then, after class, I did, and suddenly the anger left me, and I felt at ease. Yes, I am always the first to greet you. Judge by the Son what the Mother is like, by the Son of God Jesus Christ the Virgin Mother - most holy, meek, humble, most pure, all-good, all-powerful. Glory to You, Mother of God! Glory to Thee, Son of the Virgin! Yesterday, on the 30th, I served a prayer service in the German family at Tsepov’s house and was extremely ashamed at this prayer service due to the satiation of black bread and butter at morning tea: I could not pronounce many words due to cardiac and mental paralysis, but after this prayer service the other two, among Russian sailors, I served without complaint. Woe to the priest from satiety - the invisible enemy takes possession of his heart and plunges him into shame and confusion. I have sinned before the Lord! May Your Kingdom come. The kingdom of the evil one constantly, every minute, every hour and day manifests itself in us in evil, nasty and blasphemous thoughts, in feelings of suspicion, ill will, ill will, pride, pride, ambition, envy, anger, hatred, enmity; in the thoughts, desires and views of the prodigal, in covetousness, greed, gluttony, drunkenness, laziness, carelessness about one’s duty and obligations to God and one’s neighbors; in disobedience to the authorities or in blasphemy against him, in foul language, lies, deception, theft, perjury, perjury; in doubt about the truth, unbelief and freethinking, in despair, suicide - in general, both in the direction of the spirit and will, contrary to the word of God (or His direct will, expressed in Revelation), and in individual sins, constantly roaring in the soul. Rarely does the true Kingdom of God exist in our souls, the kingdom of holy thoughts and feelings, repentance, tenderness, peace, and unfeigned love. Oh, Thy Kingdom come, Master! I thank the Lord, who saved me this day from the poison of sin that entered me after indignation at the government and especially at the mayor of St. Petersburg, Mr. Trepov, who burdened Kronstadt (and especially me, a sinner) with beggars expelled from St. Petersburg to Kronstadt! I repented of my lack of faith, of my audacity, calling on God’s mercy, and the Lord had mercy on me, reconciled me, and consoled me. I glorify the benevolent and merciful Lord, the cheerful, never-slumbering hedgehog to show mercy and save! November 1, 1875 Saturday. It’s remarkable that, even though I hadn’t eaten cow’s milk or butter on Friday, I slept very peacefully on Saturday night; by morning there was no pain in my lower back, I slept until seven o’clock in the morning from eleven in the evening. November 2. Resurrection. Matins and early mass. The voice is strong, clear, sonorous from a healthy chest; he sang freely and loudly, but the struggle with nesting sweets and inner fornication, with unclean demons, was strong, difficult, and deplorable; received communion of the Holy Mysteries for the miraculous revival of my dead being. I praise the Lord. Abstinence and fasting are necessary. Sweet eating, especially meat-eating and tea-drinking, terribly robs my soul. Prayer services were served with great difficulty by Kozlovsky and Dmitry Nikolaevich in Shvetsov’s house; in the hospital wing, or in the fourth Northern barracks, the enemy stumbled and greatly confused and wounded my soul, weakened me, put me to shame. After the prayer service, I secretly prayed to the Lord in repentance with faith, and immediately help and salvation came from the Lord, who created heaven and earth. I praise the Lord, thank and exalt. At home, looking at a picture of a woman in the costume of Eve, the foremother, I was stung by the evil view, but now I turned to God in repentance, glorified the purity and splendor, the wisdom and purposefulness of His works, and the crampedness left me, for I purely looked at what was created pure, with amazement at the beautiful beyond measure Artist - God. Grant, Lord, to always look purely at what is purely created. Send three rubles to Veryuzhskaya tomorrow; Letter to Bartholomew; Letter to Evdokim. I thank the Lord, who granted me forgiveness and cleansing of my sins and healing of heart ulcers and wonderful help from above before and during the wedding of Anatoly and Evdokia. The sexton's fur coat caught my eye - I was jealous that the new fur coat was better than mine, and I was offended and died spiritually. But I remembered with what glorious robe of incorruptibility the Lord dressed and clothes me, and I saw my madness, condemned myself sincerely, and peace entered my heart, the oppression went away. Yesterday, mindlessly, I was tempted in the evening by the children's roast meat and ate enough for the night, but by the morning a strong pain in the lower back showed me that gluttony was not in vain for me and was itself castigating me. Oh, how I anger my Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God, the Angels and the holy saints of God by eating! They are amazed at my senselessness, my passion, my audacity, as I, a priest, who so often partakes of the life-giving and terrible Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and the Most Pure Blood of the Lord Himself, still go on a gluttony rampage, overeat, and the church of Christ is my real heart, having created a dwelling with the passions of intelligent pigs. Oh, the meaningless and disastrous skill is and is! Truly, only through the prayers of the poor have I not yet been cut down like a barren tree and thrown into the fire. But glory to Your unspeakable patience, O Lord! November 3, 1875 Never eat meat, fish, or cheese at night. And what a stench from the winds of a man who eats meat! Worse than from the outhouse. Oh, priest! Through abstinence, make your womb free from stench and fragrant, like the dwelling of Christ, for you receive the Holy Mysteries into your womb. Why does my heart paralyze during public prayer? Precisely from gluttony. This is the best dinner Father Matthew makes for me, inviting me to serve mass tomorrow and taste the supper of the mystery of the Son of God Himself; For this, I completely reconcile with him and pray to the Lord for him, may he guide him on the right path, on the path of peace and salvation, on the path of non-covetousness and mercy towards the poor. This earthly supper is empty, this hour-long wedding feast, where there is only gluttony and drunkenness. But my damned flesh is fighting, indignant for itself that I was not invited to the feast. Stupid, senseless is my multi-passionate flesh! November 4. While serving mass, I felt very unwell from the bad air, as I think, in Burachok’s apartment, where I read the prophets for a long time - to be more precise, from my sins, and especially from my gluttony. I felt the most painful, deadening thorn in myself, the resistance and confrontation of evil spirits. I couldn’t say the royal family’s name, everything was dismissed the same way as at the liturgy and at the memorial service. Yesterday I dined on boiled and fried meat: the uncleanness of my heart increased extremely; when I was walking by chance with Olga Safronova, the demon of fornication attacked me, and I felt within myself, cursed, the tickling of fornication. For the sake of purity of heart, for the sake of God Himself, we must stop eating meat. When I had a laryngeal illness, I made a promise not to eat meat and did not fulfill it. In a dream on November 5th, I had a dream that my relatives came to see me, and it was as if it was not my mother, but my stepmother with blackened eyebrows; Ivan’s nephew died on the road, the other stayed at home, the third came to me. I was not happy about their arrival (not enough love), I suspected my stepmother of drunkenness. (Oh, I need to serve a litany at my mother’s grave - I forgot her, abandoned my love for her. Lord! Give me ardent love for her and ardent prayer for her. Oh, how damned I am!) I thank the Lord, who healed the disease in my head and saved me from grief and confusion of heart on the way to the gymnasium and in the gymnasium itself. Your name, your name, your name I glorify always, Lord! November 6. Early mass. The struggle is terrible, to the death with invisible enemies, which stemmed most from yesterday's drinking of Constantia wine 127 at the evening at Burachok's, and also from drinking kummel 128, bitter vodka (half a glass), and meat sauce (on Friday). At night there was an unclean, prodigal dream; got up, prayed, slept again. Oh, when I will fast! When I please the Lord! How long will I anger Him? I was powerless at the liturgy, paralyzed, mortified, depressed, ashamed, I was afraid to turn my face to the people. My face is covered with shame: due to gluttony and pain in my head, I was not ready to accept the two students with whom I study. No, I need to visit less often, and sit at home more, fast, pray and read the word of God. God! Grant Yourself what we should talk about. A quiet haven of salvation is a monastery; The world is a stormy sea, on which ships constantly break down and break, often with heavy cargo. An abundance of light of understanding, knowledge of the spiritual in the ancient monasteries, from which came great spiritual creations of spiritual chant, theology (John of Damascus, Basil the Great, etc.). Monasticism elevates, renews, beautifies human nature, restoring and enlightening the image of God in it - what a wondrous, holy, selfless love for God kindles in the monasteries, what true 70, selfless love for humanity, for this brethren, redeemed by the blood of the God-man! The brethren who suffer in various ways from the mind, or even from madness, or from illness, shortcomings, hunger, fire... In the monastery is the kingdom of all virtues, this is the Kingdom of God. In the end, the monastery is the surest path to the Kingdom of God, to incorruption, to all-joyful immortality. There is all sorts of vanity in the world. In the world, every sin is sometimes committed without a twinge of conscience; The world is a fool; it mocks God, although God is not mocked (Gal. 6, 7), rejects the Gospel, Divine redemption, contradicts the Spirit of God in his teachings, constantly resists the Holy Spirit, the spirit of wisdom, reason, love, salvation, holiness; With these teachings he destroys souls redeemed by the blood of Christ, becomes corrupted and corrupts others in every possible way. It is scary for a believer to live in the world, but it is possible to rely on the strengthening Lord Jesus (Phil. 4:13), for otherwise everyone would have to leave the world: there are many good people in the world, and we need to deal with them more often. About the worship of our Orthodox Church, how it is more edifying and fruitful to perform it; persons chosen for reading, as well as for singing. If you eat fast, your heart will be fast; if you eat fast, your heart will be fast too. If you want to have a pure heart, then by all means fast, according to the rules of the Church. The demonic race comes out only through prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:21). The grace of God, living in the heart, is the adornment of a Christian, his glory, power, his sweetness, especially of a priest, monk or nun; sin is its ugliness, ignominy, powerlessness. November 7. Early mass of the Semyonovs. The struggle is terrible, the violence of the demons is terrible, the thorns are prickly, burning, the demons are dissatisfied with the Sexton. I thank the Lord, who saved me many times when I called out to him at the christening in the house where (R...). November 9th. I had a dream today. Under one large house (our church) clean water flows, among other things, running through a stone panel in which a small gutter was made: the water flowed in a wide stream. I looked down at her. Suddenly I see the water rising strongly into the sea, the flow increases greatly, then disappears; A lot of water came under the house, the house rose and began to float on top of the water. I was horrified, but not for myself, because I was in a reliable ship (the house became like a ship). I thought, what about the people who are on land now? But ten minutes later, the water suddenly began to subside, meanwhile I was reading a printed essay (...) oh holy of holies, what was it like! From eating meat and milk there is a terrible stench with the winds coming out from inside. It’s either a matter of lean food: and the winds are clean or not at all. While singing Praise the name of the Lord and censing the altar, the royal doors, local icons, the entire iconostasis, the people and the church, the Lord gave me sublime thoughts and great heartfelt tenderness at the thought of how the Lord had mercy on humanity, how He saved, snatched away from corruption, the abomination of sin and eternal destruction; how He honored, ennobled, and sweetened our corrupted nature, stinking with sins, how He enlightened, deified it, ascended to heaven and seated us on the throne of the Divine, made us kings and priests of God His Father. We are His image and likeness, His children, His flesh and blood, His members, the sheep of His verbal flock - He is the Shepherd; His branches are the Vine. Look at the faces of the saints, how bright they are - this is our lordship, the Lord has enlightened us so much, bringing us out of darkness and the shadow of death. The heart rejoices, looking at the faces of the Lord, the Mother of God, Angels and Saints: one Church of Angels and men 89; we must be like one body, one spirit: we must love each other. The litanies express the concept of all Christians as members of one body; in them the spirit of the Church moves, the spirit of love for all. Praise the name of the Lord is sung at the right time and quite rightly: it glorifies the good deeds of God to the human race, revealed by the Lord through His appearance into the world, and especially through suffering for the world, and the resurrection from the dead; the canon is a continuation of this praise, a Christian poem, singing and choirs 129. Through the frequent and intensified repetition of sin, negligence about the will of God and in general about a good life, weakness and inconstancy in goodness, insincerity in prayer and in life and habit of sin, friendship with sin, hardening in sin, which are destructive for the soul and body, are formed. A Christian must love righteousness and hate lawlessness. Name day: a great deed was accomplished through the naming of a name on us - through this we are involved in the Church of those who are being saved and are entrusted to the patronage and prayers of a person accomplished in spiritual life and an experienced leader - a holy saint of God reigning in heaven. We must know his life and exploits, imitate them in strength, especially his faith and love for God, self-sacrifice for the sake of God and the salvation of our souls; to honor and love him, to thank God with all my heart for the gift of life and especially for the gift of rebirth, renewal, sonhood, granted in baptism, for joining the society of those being saved, or the Church, for showing the paths of life, for the promise of such blessings of the Kingdom of God that no one has ever dreamed of in a dream. Bearing the name of a saint of God and a heavenly inhabitant, who was an angel in body on earth, we must remember that our duty is to constantly please God and remember our Heavenly Fatherland and to constantly strive for it and strive for it. To love God with all your heart means to love Him completely and not to give a single corner in your heart for any sin, or for earthly, carnal, created love regarding human persons, or animals, or things that are idols of the heart and paralysis for the true life of the spirit. November 10. I thank my many-merciful, quick-to-obey and all-powerful Lord Jesus Christ, who showed in me yesterday before the wedding and during the wedding of two weddings, especially the first, the greatest powers of His grace in delivering me from the confusion and oppression of sin and in helping me during the celebration of the Sacrament. I thank the Lord for the good conversation in G.K.’s apartment. Lieutenant Makarov, especially with his sister, nun Varvara Nikolaevna. I thank the Lord for his help during the Sunday liturgy, and especially for his help at the great entrance, when pronouncing the names of the royal family; I thank you for the word or sermon given to me. I thank the Lord for the strength and help given to me by the Lord during the service on this day of Matins with Midnight Office, Mass and Vespers; I thank you especially for the revival by the Most Pure Mysteries. Thank you to the Lord for the repeated destruction of the networks of sin in me, for the forgiveness and cleansing of the sins into which I fall, damned, incessantly, especially in anger at the poor, so numerous, with so many demands! Damned, I anger the Lord not only with rage at the beggars, but also with doubt about God’s providence for me and for the beggars, and I say: where can I get so much money for you so that I can give so many of you every day for food, and for clothing, and for lodging for the night, or for passports and for moving to St. Petersburg?.. Did the Lord abandon me when I had nothing to give? Have my household and relatives been deprived of anything from the Lord? I have little faith after all the miracles of the rich providence for me; I am a cowardly miser, greedy, self-loving, self-indulgent, gluttonous, sensualist, covetous - not a lover of God, not a lover of poverty; hard-hearted, prodigal, intemperate, not a faster, not a believer in God; grumpy, spiteful, envious, unkind, crafty, vain, vain, ambitious, not simple-hearted, dull, lazy, careless; deceitful, contemptuous, disdainful, nasty, impatient. This is the horde of sins, or demons, in me, and that’s not all: I’m wayward, rebellious, disrespectful, murmuring, timid, cowardly. God! Have mercy on me! Malicious, cold, malicious towards enemies and unfavorables - there is darkness in me of passions! May I count everything earthly as rubbish, and may I acquire God in my heart in every virtue, and may the true Sun of righteousness shine in me - Christ in every virtue! For I am cursed, poor, poor, blind and naked. The banner of faith, the name of sacred, government officials, the banner of the cross, prayer, worship, the Sacraments and one’s dignity must always be held high and majestic, peacefully, firmly, constantly, but not proudly or carelessly. We are the Lord's servants. In a dream, I saw Father Lavrenty Vasilyevich Gurnova walking on water with some boy: he walked across a wide river like dry land, boldly, without hesitation. I was extremely surprised by this and considered him a very godly person. There is something special about Father Gurnov, valiant, great. November 11. Today I served Matins with difficulty due to the consumption of sauternes, candied orange 130 and a piece of pretzel last night, or from eating very nutritious food at dinner: herring, meat. Burov's wife recovered after receiving Holy Communion. Glory to the Lord! November 11. I thank the Lord, who consoled and strengthened me with the communion of His Holy Mysteries. Life-giving fire in the mouth and inside. Father Deacon Safronov fell into a painful faint and lay on the floor in a surplice near the altar. I thank the Lord, who granted me great forgiveness, cleansing and salvation along the way from Alex. Lvovich Bubnov home. Glory to You, the inexhaustible Source of my salvation, who poured out salvation into my heart! November 12. I thank the Lord, who has deigned and pleased me to perform the Divine Liturgy above heaven and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries and to overcome by His grace the most burning, oppressive feeling of anger towards the reader Vladimir Zrelov, which did not allow me to worthily consume the Holy Gifts. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over the anger in Kashina’s house on the mountain, against the police unit. Here I burdened myself with drinking wine too much. Datura, tightness in the insides, extreme weakness of the legs. Word for the day of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called from the text: He who reaps receives a reward and gathers fruit for eternal life, so that both he who sows and he who reaps will rejoice together (John 4:36). We are reaping what was sown before us. Your fruit will remain (John 15:16). By ourselves, we do not mean anything, we cannot do anything - we owe everything to God and very, very much to each other (proof - the history of the Church, civil sciences), civil society in our lives, in our development; apostles, prophets, martyrs, saints, reverend men and women, confessors, unmercenaries, merciful, pillars, righteous and all saints. Having been established on the foundation of the Apostles and Prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone (Eph. 2:20) (comparison: houses, panels, bridges). Parallel: the building of civil society, the power that exists. What is the ever-living, ever-interesting side in the worship of our Orthodox Church? This is that wondrous love that breathes throughout all worship, the love of God for people and the love and devotion of rational beings - people to God the Savior, the love of the Church for all its members and for all people. Delve deeply into worship, and it will never lose the highest, inexhaustible interest for you. I thank the Lord, who performed the miracle of reconciliation between me and my wife and between my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna through my very intense prayer. Glory to our wonderful God, who destroys the wiles of hell in us, bringing death into life. In the apostles, martyrs, saints, saints and all saints we have both an example of ardent love, obedience and devotion to God, and proof that, if only we want, we can please God and save ourselves and others; we see in them a denunciation of our unbelief, foolishness, laziness, negligence, coldness - and therefore we will be most condemned if we do not repent. In addition, we have holy helpers and prayer books for ourselves before God. Let us earnestly call upon them. The priest is the bearer of the spirit of the Church, the spirit of salvation, the spirit of universal love, the spirit of holiness, meekness and patience, the representative of truth and steadfastness, the firmness of the Church, its immutability. What should a priest be like? He must also portray the greatness of the Lord and the Church in his person and must have a decent dignity. November 14. I celebrated early mass without a deacon; It was hard for me: I was like a leaf of a tree, floating in the air, there was nothing for me to stop on, there was no solid ground under me; I was embarrassed, I was afraid of I don’t know who or what, I missed words and expressions. Why this weakness? Because of gluttony, my soul weakened; because of gluttony, the enemy took possession of me. I have sinned against the Lord! In the Duma there was a service from Philip Stepanov with a deacon. The archpriest served later in my place. However, after communion the Lord revived me. I praise the Lord. Today, on the 15th, I served mass with moral and physical difficulty due to yesterday’s gluttony and drunkenness at the birthday boy Philip Stepanov’s. After communion there was almost no life-giving fire, as had always happened before. This is a big loss. I repent to the Lord! On the 14th there was a quarrel with Anna Konstantinovna over the servants. She began to reproach me for being a servant, and I, knowing her injustice, that is, Anna Konstantinovna, said that I did not want to listen to her. She cried out of frustration. November 16. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and gave me the grace to perform Matins and the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, and to partake of the life-giving, most pure, life-giving Mysteries. Glory to His mercy, His strength, His victory over the invisible enemies who sought to devour me. I greatly wounded my heart and my conscience and my flesh by eating at home after mass a French loaf of bread with quick butter during Lent: in my sides there were like thorns that stung, killed, confused, causing muteness during prayer, as was the case with Vasily N. Timofeev in Ipatiev’s house. Before this prayer service at Timofeev’s, I became angry with sexton Zrelov for delaying and expressed to him that if Poletaev or the archpriests of the Council refuse the demands and burden me with many demands, then I will turn the income in someone else’s parish to the poor, allocating a certain share to the sexton. This particularly hurt me, and I was not at ease during the prayer service. No, I don’t dare to eat white bread with butter during Lent anymore: it’s quick and hearty. Today they didn’t wake me up for matins: I slept for half an hour, and yet since the evening I haven’t read the akathist to the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel because I was tired, and in the morning I didn’t have time to read it - I went to matins, not prepared internally, I relied on God’s mercy, intending to read what I had not read today with all my heart. May the Lord grant and may the Lord accept my prayer. I am finally convinced and convinced that I do not need to eat in the morning and evening: my nature does not require it, as well-fed, as containing many seeds of life. I sinned before God and the Lord with anger, embitterment, irritation, beating a beggar by the hair for frequent begging. A young man who lived as a servant in a house of debauchery left his place and went around the world to beg along with six hundred Kronstadt bourgeois people. I often sin with anger and grumpiness, damned one: I need to curb myself, curb myself immediately. God! I want - help me, I can’t do it without You. Forgive my former sin, O Most Merciful One! I repent sincerely. In the person of the beggar, I have offended and wounded You, Lord; Perhaps he is not guilty of what I suspected him of being guilty of. My nephew Ivan Vasilyevich can be a good teacher for Rufina and Lisa, for he himself was a teacher. We are not stingy and are not frightened when we throw away rubles and tens of rubles for our own pleasure, but we are stingy, miserly and frightened when we need to give to our neighbor for the necessary needs - amazing pride and blindness! Lest my alms, often given with displeasure, bitterness, reproach, abuse, and torment, turn out to be entirely fruitless for me, for it is said: give with simplicity, show mercy with good intentions (Rom. 12:8). God! Have mercy on me in all things and teach me to do my will. Yours, may I not forget that the poor are all Your members. Just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me (Matthew 25:40). May I not be untrustworthy, stingy, hard-hearted, proud, or irritable. The Holy Church very often in some stichera and canons of the Mother of God repeats the word: Rejoice. This word has a deep meaning and meaning, precisely this or that, that through the Mother of God the human race has been given immeasurable deliverance of joy and that She herself has been awarded from God eternal, endless, abundant joy. It is common for the pious to rejoice, but it is not for the wicked to rejoice (Isa. 48:22). I thank the Lord, who repeatedly had mercy on me when I looked at Him with the eyes of my heart in repentance. Glory to Thee, Lord! You save me, unworthy being. November 19, 1875. My anger is still great! Woe to me, damned one! Yesterday I drank two glasses of vodka at lunch and thus brought trouble for myself - the devil’s fetters on my heart: bound by them, like iron shackles, I could not freely read prayers at a christening in the presence of two officers and perform funeral services in the customs for the boy Ivanov with a customs member Ivanov: I was trying my best, I could not speak - dumbness, and that’s all. Oh, adversary! Oh, dreamy fear! Halibut, cod, fish in general and lean foods have a bad effect on my nerves and paralyze me. Yes, my soul is exhausted from intemperance, from the excess of nutrients in my body, in my sides. It is my own fault that invisible enemies have taken power over me and are mocking me at public prayer. God! Have mercy on me again and again. I am Yours, although I have sinned greatly. Look at the poor as God’s field, which you diligently sow with your hand, giving alms, but you haven’t looked at them like that before, or at least you often forgot to look at them correctly. November 20. I thank the Lord, who looked upon my humility and tears and gave me victory over my bodiless enemies while reading the prayer for the consecration of bread, wheat, wine and oil. For You are the One who blesses and sanctifies all things, O Christ our God... has spoken out everything; The Lord defeated the Antichrist, the blasphemer, the persecutor, the annoyer in me. I lose too much from such an unimportant reason as eating and drinking for my own pleasure, often excessively, I lose spiritual strength, energy, purity, goodness, patience and long-suffering, boldness, hope, faith and love. Dream. One young man went to skate on the thinnest ice, on top of which there was already water; he crossed the entire river safely, but fell through the shore and went under the ice, although he climbed behind the ice, wanting to emerge; Another rushed to save him, but he too went under the ice - thus suddenly two lives were lost. I stood on a sloping hill, on which a dying lamp had come from somewhere. Someone told me: why won’t you pay it off? And I had never seen her before. So suddenly our life may end from inappropriate risks or from immoderate pleasures, or we ourselves extinguish our dying life. This dream concerns me. I am this drowned man, I am drowning in sins, especially in gluttony from food and drink: my soul is drowning in gluttony, but I only yawn and do not save my soul. We must save by fasting, prayer, reading the word of God, and almsgiving. Give, Lord! I thank the Lord Provider, who gave me four rubles for sending alms to the poor (T...) in Arkhangelsk: today I was given five rubles completely free by Staff Captain Ivan Nikolaev N... for signing in the notary book. Yesterday, during the All-Night Vigil, I stole the words from the people: By the mercy and generosity and love of Thy Only Begotten Son, saying them while the choristers were singing. Lord, have mercy! But there was shame and oppression, from which I got rid of through inner prayer of repentance. This is again the work of the Antichrist-devil, his spirit, intrigues, blasphemies: he does not allow him to speak praises to the Lord. Whoever refrains from proper praise is blaspheming. Resist the enemy with all your might, fasting, praying, and philosophizing. The invisible evildoer secretly swears in me over human nature, dishonoring it, desecrating it (especially in the female half) with inappropriate, unclean thoughts, nasty desires, does not allow me to look at a woman’s face, especially in church, the most empty fear instills. The Lord raised the dignity of man inexpressibly, having Himself accepted his nature, but the devil humiliates him in every possible way, defiles him in thoughts, words, and deeds. God! Save us! We are dying! What are the iconostases in our churches? Answer. – Come to Mount Zionstei and to the city of the living God, Heavenly Jerusalem (Heb. 12:22)... Ceremony, firstly, due respect for the saints, and secondly, the prayers of the saints. I thank the Lord for the cleansing, sanctifying, peace-giving and renewing effect of the holy, most pure, immortal and life-giving Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood during the liturgy on the day of the Presentation of the Most Blessed Virgin Mary into the church (in the Duma Church). November 22, 1875. Last night I didn’t eat anything, I slept well at night and got up cheerfully and easily! And on the third day, like cattle, I ate fish, drank milk, ate apples, drank wine in abundance, and despite the long exercise in the fresh air in the evening and morning, I felt paralyzed in my heart at mass. Although I slept well at night, I didn’t get up very easily in the morning. Abstinence is the greatest good! 23rd. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for the early liturgy served with the new deacon Poletaev; the struggle was intense, the voice trembling from the abundance of incense and dust in the air; received communion of revival, but the enemy tried to confuse and deprive him of the gift; Only by the grace of God did he overcome. There is a lot that is required: by the way - a prayer service at Poletaev, at Fyodor Al. Moise; because of satiety, he served poorly, became embarrassed, embarrassed, and did not pronounce many words; in the Kudryavtsevsky wings, when I had a skinny stomach, I read baptismal prayers unfailingly, solemnly, gracefully, but when I drank two glasses of nutmeg and ate a little, I lost my grace, an enemy entered my heart and began to oppress me terribly. My son-in-law has Fr. Yudin baptized Zrelov badly: the devil was like an awl in his heart and did not allow him to speak - he barely finished. At home I ate a sweet pie (two slices), drank a glass of vodka, drank tea and slept badly at night; severe pain in the lower back and in the bends of the legs, which barely went away, and did not go away at all; a terrible dream: as if our entire street was on fire, including our house, only the bottom of the house remained miraculously; I was asleep during the fire; as if having woken up, I was surprised at such a fire and at what happened in such a short time; I regretted the losses - that’s when I woke up, and then I found out that it was a dream. Lord, have mercy! And this is all from satiety! Oh, satiety is the murder of spirit and body! November 25. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me during the cathedral service of the liturgy in a country cemetery church. But before communion, I felt a painful burning sensation in my sides and stomach, I think, from scrofula and from the amount of snow that had fallen. At dinner with the Sizovs, I gave myself the freedom to drink Rhine wine and porter in order to give an antidote to the scrofula and pour it out: indeed, the irritation went away. 26th. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival of the Holy Mysteries during my early mass in the Assumption Church in the Duma. Glory to the Lord, His mercy, long-suffering, wisdom and invincible power. In the mercy of the Lord, invincible by our iniquities, glory, glory, glory! 27th. Thursday. I thank the Lord for His indescribable love for mankind, for it has given me now to celebrate the early liturgy in the Assumption Church and taste His incorruptible sweetness - His Divine Mysteries, to be worthy of cleansing of sins, sanctification, and strength. At the end of the liturgy, an inappropriate thought stung me and stopped me at the prayer behind the pulpit and during the dismissals at the liturgy and memorial service. I repent. My wealth is inexhaustible - the Lord, and I envy no one, no rich man, no colleague in the service, not the rich millionaire himself, not a minister, not a king; and my eternal glory is the same Christ, and I do not envy those adorned with the glory of this world, which is corruptible, like a passing dream. May I live in the love of Christ all the days of my life: Strive to have peace with everyone and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord (Heb. 12:14). 29th. I thank the Lord for the glorious miracle of great mercy and revival by the life-giving Mysteries during and after the liturgy I performed by His grace. Yesterday, through negligence, I was very drunk, having drunk Greek morsal 131 from Lieutenant Ippolit Petrovich Andreev at Varvara Egorovna’s. The voice was strong, but the soul was painful for sins. The Lord covered my sins with His mercy alone, covered my nakedness, enriched my poverty with His Divinity and healed my blindness, took away my humiliation and again exalted my horn. Wonderful is the mercy of my God and the action of His Holy Mysteries on my soul, mortified by sins. 30th. On St. Andrew’s Day it was terribly difficult for me to serve mass because of yesterday’s milk and tea with cream, and besides, I was strengthened; During mass, I was overcome by sleep, it was as if there were the most burning thorns in my sides; despondency, melancholy in the heart, some fear of demonic obsessions, dryness of heart. But, having received communion, I came to life and immediately went to speak the word. At the elder's we had a snack and a drink. Thanks to him. The sterlet with sauce was extremely tasty and tender. December 1st. I thank the Lord, who has now surprised me with His mercy, the abyss of His love for mankind, and who has delivered me from the sorrow and tightness of my heart, the sin that came to me for my sake when I cried out to Him in repentance, walking along the road. He, my hope, my mercy, heard and had mercy and saved me, and saved me many times. I thank the Lord, who miraculously saved me again through the invocation of His Divine Name! (On the way home from Mr. Popov Fedor and Gostiny Dvor from N.M. Semenov). Yesterday, November 30, at 8 o'clock in the evening at the baptism of Alexei D. Machigin, Belial was captivated by vain worries and saving money piled in his side pocket so that it would not fall out. He became confused, fell away from the Lord in heart and thoughts; suddenly cooled down, shame covered his face. That's poison. December 3. I thank the Lord for heavenly help during the service of early mass on December 2nd from the cleric Matthew and for the wonderful revival through communion. I thank the Lord for my repeated secret salvation at my call. The Tsar is the mourner of the entire Russian land. His power is great, his person is sacred, venerable and worthy of love, God alone judges his sins. December 3. Today alone, without a deacon, I served early mass for the repose of my brother-in-law Alexei Konstantinovich, his parents and mine and other relatives, and I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the entire service without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries, only the words: the whole day is perfect... and so on. I didn’t say it, I was in a hurry, I don’t know where. The stomach was clear, yesterday's grapes and sherry cleared it out perfectly. Before mass, I prayed to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God for help during the liturgy. I put some ointment on my head and felt pain in my legs and lack of appetite. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy, when I, in the distress and sorrow that befell me for my anger and rage at the beggars who stood at the gate at ten o’clock in the evening, cried out to Him with tearful repentance for salvation: the sorrow and distress passed, and I received peace, space and freedom. I thank the Lord for the tears of repentance that softened my heart. For our sake, man and our salvation came down from Heaven... and suffered, and was buried. And he rose again on the third day according to the Scriptures. And ascended to Heaven... 132 So the Son of God did infinitely much for our salvation, and so little do people value the infinite mercy and condescension of the Savior, so they trample on His gifts, so devoted to vanity and lies, so little concerned about pleasing God, about correcting the heart, about renewal, so mired in passions, so much devoted to earthly things! I'm the first! Woe to us who are negligent about the grace of sonship to God, about life according to God! What is amazing to me is God’s daily mercy, the restoration from sinful death to spiritual life. Glory to the Lord, who cleanses all my iniquities, who heals all my illnesses... The Gospel about the healing of lepers (Luke 17:12 – 19). About the health of the soul or spiritual integrity. The greatest good is the integrity of the soul; frequent loss of integrity through falling into sins, restoration of integrity through repentance and prayer. The greatness of this good deed of God, it is the sinner’s duty to recognize it and be grateful to God. Sin is that terrible disease of the soul that removes a person from God, the source of life, and threatens to go from temporary to eternal, to eternal deprivation of grace, peace, life, light, joy, to eternal crying and gnashing of teeth. It is not for nothing that leprosy is likened to spiritual leprosy - sin; leprosy was terrible. What does it consist of? Sin is that flattering, terrible robber who, pretending to be your friend, seeks to destroy you forever without any mercy. Beware of it, no matter in what form it appears to you. Or the theme: we must thank God, the Giver of blessings, for everything, but especially for the greatest of blessings - for the forgiveness and cleansing of our sins. December 5th. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy, for the stumbling-free service from beginning to end, and for the life-giving, soul-cleansing communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Oh, how blessed is humanity, how rich is it that in the Church of God it has such a great, saving, life-giving Sacrament - the Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ! How pitiful, poor, hopeless it would be if the omnipotent Word of God, rich in life, truth, holiness and all sorts of perfections, had not descended into the midst of humanity! Oh, what a great, invaluable happiness it is to belong to the Holy, Orthodox, Catholic Church, possessing such a Sacrament and, in general, all such saving Sacraments that serve the many different spiritual and physical needs of a person saved by the grace of Christ! But how ungrateful and inattentive to this greatest and most saving Sacrament of Communion are people who rarely or do not partake of it at all. How pitiful they are that they themselves are perishing, while such a loving, saving right hand of God is extended to them! The Lord Jesus Christ is for me that key of David, which the Lord Himself mentions in the Apocalypse (Rev. 3:7), that is, He Himself is the key with which I constantly open for myself and others the doors of God’s mercy and salvation, the key of life, with one appeal the gates of death, the gates of sin and hell are destroyed in me. Glory to Your Holy Name, Lord! Glory to Your mercy, glory to Your power, O Lord! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to boldly, in truth, without stumbling, complete the rule for confession and confess four confessors: Pavel Stepanovich Burachok with his wife and another officer with his wife! The voice was free, pure, the heart was free; it was after lunch, during which I ate cod with potatoes with plain vegetable oil, soup with smelt (not enough) and roast perch with soaked lingonberries. I didn’t drink tea, and that’s good. If the world did not have the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord, it would not have the most important good - the good of true life (do not have life in yourself (John 6:53), would have only the ghost of life, would not have the gift of sanctification - in a word, the totality of all true, incorruptible goods. This is that life-giving kvass that the woman, that is, the Church, took and put in three measures of flour until everything was leavened (Matt. 13, 33). Yes, this is truly the leaven of spiritual, heavenly, holy life, placed in humanity, for the human soul is threefold, its three forces: mind, heart, will - truth, holiness, love must penetrate all these forces, in general the whole life of a person: thoughts, words and deeds. Let no one be tempted by the monotony of the service, that is, the liturgy, which is all the same, one and the same, but let everyone delve with his mind and heart into the depth of the content of the liturgy, into the height, depth, breadth and length of God’s love (Eph. 3:18), revealed to a sinful world perishing in sins; let him think about the infinitely great Sacrifice that the Son offered in His Person to the Heavenly Father for the sins of the world, let him feel how God loved the world by giving His Only Begotten Son; may he be amazed at the miracle of the incarnation of the Son of God, our deification through Him, and may he remain eternally grateful to the Lord, and may he respond to love with fiery, firm love, like the apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, and saints. You yourself ask the Lord every day: Thy will be done, - do not be upset that your boss does not according to you, but according to his own will: at five o’clock, and not at four in the morning on the day of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker. There is logic in church decrees, for example, about fasting: fasting is needed to preserve purity and chastity, to mortify passions, to drink the flesh with its passions and lusts. December 6. He served early mass in front of a multitude of people with extreme weakness, under the terrible machinations of the enemy; He served a prayer service in the companies of the sailors - he suffered in the bad air, the enemy kept raising troubles. Our service is the service of reconciling people with God, the service of immortality and eternal life, the service of renewal, shrines, deification, humanity; serving the unceasing miracles of grace, miracles of restoration, or rebirth, sanctification, remission of sins. Therefore, let us not weaken in correcting our high duties, but let us draw new strength in reflecting on the height of our service. About spiritual leprosy. Before the most pure and bright eyes of God, all people are full of spiritual leprosy and uncleanness, such as: pride, vanity, lack of faith or unbelief, wickedness, fornication, partiality, envy, hypocrisy, nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts. December 7th. I thank the Lord for the Sunday Liturgy, celebrated under the greatest inner turmoil, with fears and apprehension; for revival by the Holy Mysteries, for the word about spiritual leprosy, for the unstumbling performance of the Sacrament of Baptism, for salvation during the day from the sins of anger and fornication, for a conversation with Burachok. When explaining the liturgy, show the need for communion of the Body and Blood of Christ, the necessity of this Sacrament for our true advancement in spiritual life. At the proskomedia, the Most Holy Theotokos, the Forerunner, prophets, apostles, martyrs, saints - as purchased from the earth by the Blood of Christ, as witnesses of the truth and vitality, the salvificness of the Christian faith, as examples of faith, hope and love for us. The deacon’s orarion is for prayer, which is why he offers it often, and to show that the clergyman’s prayer is strong through faith in Christ and His merits on the cross, there are crosses on the orarion. The deacon raises one hand with the orarion in prayer, and the priest, having received deep grace, raises both and has the orarion folded in half. December 9th. I thank the Lord for the gift of serving the cathedral liturgy with the funeral service after it for the young woman Maria, the daughter of the director of the Real School Alexandrov. Father Peter Preobrazhensky served with me: huge portions of prosphora. I served in cramped conditions and fear. I praise the Lord for all the countless powers of grace manifested in me during the twenty years of my service in the priesthood; The Lord always opposed the countless forces of hell, the machinations of evil spirits, the violence of passions with the all-conquering power of His mercy, His grace and sovereignly saved me from all troubles. I glorify His fatherly goodness and mercy, His invincible power. But for me it is a shame on my face, for for many years I have not become any better, but on the contrary, I am getting worse, the infirmities of my soul are increasing due to my sinfulness. God! Do not judge me like the cities of Capernaum, Chorazin and Bethsaida, in which Your powers were manifested, and they did not repent (Matthew 11:21). A letter to his homeland in Verkola with ten rubles; letter to St. Petersburg to (the poor man). To the Reverend Vicar - a report with a plan for conversations immediately. December 10. I thank the Lord, the most merciful, obedient and omnipotent, who showed His strength in me during the morning, delivered me from the invisible enemies who fought and numbed me, and gave me to serve Matins with boldness, without stumbling, loudly, sweetly. Wonderful canons, creations of the fathers. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the liturgy without stumbling and to partake of His life-giving, most wonderful Mysteries. Oh, my heart and my lips expanded upon receiving communion! I thank the Lord for His powers, revealed in me at Vespers during the recitation of the litany, especially the great one, for the Lord conquered all vain fears in me, and I spoke the litany slowly, expressively, life-giving, all the way to the end. For the peaceful and solemn celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism at the Popovs, I thank the Lord - wonderful grace! In the church, during the service, the immeasurable, eternal greatness, kingdom, power, power and authority of the Holy Trinity, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, His wonderful splendor, His mercy, bounty and love for mankind are constantly glorified. December 12. Twenty years of my priesthood in Christ. I thank the Lord for all the miracles of goodness, countless deliverances, cleansing, salvation, sanctification, help, glory during this time. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy and for Divine communion into life and joy. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy, deliverance from severe sins, enlightenment, salvation during Vespers, when I took hostility to the sexton Zrelov for his seeming negligence in reading and singing Vespers. There seemed to be no outcome - but I repented quickly, sincerely, deeply, condemned myself, promised to be kind, and the Lord took away my guilt from me, and I cheerfully said the dismissal of vespers. The Lord saved and is saving me from the countless ugliness of passions by the fact that I have the rank of priesthood, and secondly, that I often serve His holy name, calling upon Him in prayer, also the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Guardian Angel and other ethereal forces and all His saints. The spiritual benefit from this is immeasurable. December 13th. After Matins. I thank the Lord for the powers of His salvation, which were solemnly revealed in me during Matins, when I was extremely confused, oppressed, inflamed, exhausted and darkened, I was put to shame by the enemy of the rebel, who made me angry with suspicion of the sexton Zrelov because he was ill with a cold and did not have any bad intentions towards me. Glory to the Lord, who gave me the light of repentance and destroyed the machinations of the enemy in me: at the Midnight Office and at the beginning of the Polyelean Matins, I spoke the litany badly, with omissions, without mind and peace, and then I read the Gospel solemnly, loudly, and the canon was read, sung peacefully, freely, widely. God bless! I thank the Lord for the priceless gift of the liturgy, for the unfailing service with a clear, sonorous voice, for the life-giving communion of the most pure Mysteries, for the victory in the name of the Lord and the being of the Lord over the invisible enemies who fought me fiercely, and for the communion of my spiritual children, ten in number. Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank the Lord for quenching my strong anger towards my wife and child Rufina for the dirty trick done in my office (she locked the table and broke the lock), for destroying the great confusion, cramped conditions, weakness, and shame. And many times the Lord saved me through the prayer of my repentance this evening. I glorify the obedience, good-naturedness and benevolence of my Master, my God and my Savior, for he saves me so many times from sinful death every day. But how strong and irresistible is my habit of sin due to negligence! What pride, impatience, willfulness! What anger and pride! What a passion for earthly things! What a paucity of respect and love for humanity! What a carnal sight, humiliating both me and human nature, so venerable, especially in its spiritual side! What a misunderstanding in the heart of the membership of Christians and the primacy of the community of the faithful of Christ the Savior! I thank the Lord with all my heart, for He has deigned me to perform the Liturgy, to partake of the life-giving Mysteries into peace, joy, strength of soul and body, and to say the teaching I composed. December 14. Resurrection. Theater is the kingdom of the flesh and the world, the personification of them, all their sinful aspirations, quirks, passions, ugliness. This is people laughing at themselves, having fun, having fun with their stupidities and passions, or sometimes boasting of their civic virtues. But this latter is rare. One can say about the theater: it is seductive and deceiving - everything is charm, there is no truth. When calling on the saints, one should not present them separately from the Lord: they are one - one spirit with the Lord, clothed in the Lord, the Lord reigns in them forever. This is how I imagine the Mother of God, all the Angels, all the saints - with the Lord they are all extremely close to us. You go to worship so that it will bring significant benefit to your soul and be a true feat and a sacrifice pleasing to God; for this you must heartily follow with your mind and heart the litanies, prayers and liturgical chants. The Church of God strives daily in prayers, Doxologies and thanksgiving to God, teaching us the same. These prayers, supplications, petitions, thanksgivings for all people (1 Tim. 2:1) are our true feat, a true sacrifice most pleasing to God. He who has ears to hear, let him hear [Mt]. 13.9]. Virtue is life, sin is death; virtue is peace, sin is confusion, virtue is light, sin is darkness; virtue is true wisdom, sin is true madness, virtue is the true sweetness of the soul, sin is the true bitterness of the soul; virtue is the space of the soul, sin is the narrowness of the soul; virtue is a life-giving coolness, sin is a deadly fire; virtue is glory, sin is shame, virtue is the strength of the soul, sin is powerlessness. We have all experienced both, and yet we continue to constantly sin and very often trample on virtue, this true friend and our glory. Why is this? From an evil habit, from a lack of spiritual reasoning, from sinful pride. For example, if someone offended us, a boss or a comrade, or an inferior, junior to us in years and service, we take offense at him, get angry, worry. What does it mean? This means that we are accustomed to seeing pleasing, self-indulgence, hearing praise for ourselves, and we extremely do not like to be stroked against the grain, pointing out to us some kind of malfunction, some shortcoming. Or: we did not take the trouble to judge that the one who offended us injured himself more than us, taking on the sin of insult on his soul; Instead of feeling sorry for him, grieving for him, praying for him, as for one who is under the deadly spell of sin and is spiritually perishing, we become angry with him, thereby inflicting spiritual death on ourselves and thus becoming both madmen - both the offender and the offended, both spiritual dead. We are so reckless, absurd, so blinded by our sins! Blessed is the simple-hearted and kindly man! Unlucky is the evil one, the self-loving, the evil one! And rightly so! We are Christians and are called children of the Heavenly Father, the good and the merciful. What children we are, hating each other, envying each other, disobeying each other (Gal. 5:26)! You, proud of knowledge and mocking the sacred faith, church worship, you, possessing the foolish wisdom of this world, come here, humble yourself and know that you are damned, poor, poor, blind, naked, that you are sick and dead. The Heavenly Father took pity on you with all his pity, with all his love, and sent you His Only Begotten Son for salvation, so that through His cross and death and His resurrection He might revive and save you. This is the mystery of salvation, this work of infinite goodness, wisdom, strength, this work of immeasurable love for mankind is performed daily in our holy churches during the liturgy. Oh, how majestic, holy, salutary, and desirable is the liturgy for Christians - the church truly becomes heaven! For God in the Trinity descends today on the holy (life-giving) throne every day and daily performs the greatest miracle of His mercy by transforming bread and wine into the Most Pure Body and Most Pure Blood of the Son of God. Foolish, ungrateful, today, out of negligence, I fell into satiety in the morning, at tea, and then, as if I had disarmed myself and lost the grace of God, offended by my stupidity, I fell into anger at the sexton during the prayer service with Trofim Ivanovich and Maria Ivanovna because of trifles: that he had his frock coat open during the prayer service; The disembodied enemy, like a fly, caught and entangled me in the hellish nets of his malice, tied me up, confused me, blinded me, weakened me, killed me, shamed me, and I could not extricate myself from his clutches at the prayer service. Oh, what free madness! What ingratitude before God! What a violation of the commandments of Christ and this commandment: Take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be burdened with gluttony and drunkenness (Luke 21:34); both today and yesterday I was fed up and drank a lot of tea and wine, and the day before - and the roots of passions are ever expanding, deepening, strengthening from sinful habits, and the Kingdom of God is shrinking and weakening in me because I do not adhere to the church statutes, I have trampled the commandment about fasting. I am depriving myself of only one thing I need. Oh, madness! Oh, evil skill! He trampled upon the commandment of love and developed a devilish enmity towards his brother. Have mercy, forgive, heal, Lord! I know my sin! I have saddened You, good God! And how many times! Without number! And not out of unreason, but in reason, after countless admonitions and punishments! I give alms to the poor sparingly, often with grief and displeasure and reproach, with cruelty of heart, with disdain! And he himself - oh, how poor, blind, poor, naked, dead! The examples of the apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, righteous people and all the saints show clearly, clearly, what a believer, who loves God, who forces himself to do every good thing, can do for his moral progress, to what extent his self-sacrifice can extend in food, drink, clothing, in enduring slander, insults, persecution, and torment. These examples constantly expose us in our unbelief, negligence, laziness, effeminacy, intemperance, in our pride, impatience, and teach us to reproach, condemn ourselves mercilessly, repent, cry, beg for mercy, make every effort to self-correct, mortify the passions that kill us. The examples of all the saints show together how exalted and venerable our nature is, in which the Son of God Himself was clothed, and what the grace of God can do with our nature corrupted by sin, if we surrender ourselves and our whole life to Christ our God, how it can cleanse, sanctify, renew, enlighten, fragrance, ennoble, deify, strengthen. The saints will be witnesses at the Last Judgment against all wicked and sinful people. That is why it is said: Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? (1 Cor. 6:2). Until now, I have no self-sacrifice in food, drink, in cases of faults of my neighbors, rudeness, insults, or untruths. I thank the Lord, who has given me peace through the word of peace with my household. Why have I not until now constantly kept in mind the commandments of Jesus Christ: if anyone wants to come after Me, deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me (Matthew 16:24)? If I had renounced myself, the world and what is in the world, that is, all perishable things, and did not attach my heart to them, then I would have no pride, no envy, no grief, no malice and hostility towards those who harm my external well-being, there would be no quarrels over vain things, there would be constant peace in my heart and in my house. But accept my deep repentance, Lord, and have mercy on me. Grant me from now on to despise the flesh and the adulterous and sinful world and to be diligent about souls, things more immortal. Thanks be to the Lord for restoring peace and silence in us and for introducing love. How difficult it was without love and peace, with quarrels and hostility among relatives! Glory to You, Lord, who has deigned so well! December 19. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace with my family, which I boldly violated yesterday morning at nine o’clock. I prayed for a long time and repented all day; it was very difficult; I prayed for a long time at night, read the canon and akathists to the Savior and the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel, the service to the Lord all day long, the rite of twelve psalms. I slept that night until almost three o'clock in the morning quite well, peacefully, then I woke up, and soon melancholy began to gnaw at my heart. He got up again, got dressed and began to say a prayer; after the prayer he fell asleep again, but not so peacefully; got up at six and a half o'clock, wrote a letter, prayed, went for a walk - all melancholy; I spoke with Bubnov in sadness and cramped conditions, and with Nikitin in his apartment too. I came home and had no appetite for tea. I decided to make peace, offered a word of peace, but it didn’t suddenly work out: I received a lot of comments and reproaches. I thank Anna Konstantinovna for the moral teachings. They are useful. I gave twenty-five rubles for the children: Anna Konstantinovna refused, my wife happily took it, but she still attacked me. Finally I said: your will - I did my job, and went to my place, they followed me soon - and let’s make peace; I thank the Lord, I thank the Lady, grace has overcome our evils, the enemy has been put to shame. God bless. Go ahead and take care of yourself in every possible way. The Holy Spirit, the Son of God, Jesus Christ and Wine and their Source - God the Father - are so close to us like nothing in the world. They are above us, in us and through all of us. Most of all, the Holy Spirit, who entered the world for the sake of the merits of the Lord, is always with us, like pure spiritual air, like life-giving light and warmth, like oil, like spiritual food and drink, like cleansing, like peace, shrine, fragrance, like love, like boldness and courage, like sweet hope, like life-giving power, sovereign self-help, like pure breath, like a most pleasant aroma that attracts everyone to itself and to the one in whom it is located, like an indescribable sweetness, miraculously delighting the entire being of a person, like spiritual beauty, miraculously adorning the soul and body of a person with an imperishable adornment. - This is what a treasure of spiritual blessings, what a Spirit - the Creative Spirit, the Creator and the Sanctifier - the Son of God Jesus Christ interceded for us! Know, urgently know everything, O Orthodox Christians, of this divine Benefactor, life-giving, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening and affirming you, love Him, honor Him with the Father and the Son of the Father, Jesus Christ. If you are seduced by human beauty, transfer your thoughts and lift your heart to the Primordial Beauty, the source that embellishes and beautifies all creatures, and cleave to it, love it with all your heart - but earthly beauty is corruptible and deceptive, and love for it is a sin. If carnal sweetness seduces, carnal union is accompanied by corruption and weakness, again lift up your heart to the incorruptible Sweetness, which is God, drawing everyone to unity with Himself through faith and love; if earthly glory, the glory of this world, seduces you, again turn your mind’s eye to the source of true glory - the Lord, from Whom alone is true glory; if the nobility is earthly, turn your thoughts to true, infinite nobility - the nobility of the sons of God, which every true Christian has; if wealth, then pay attention to the true and incorruptible wealth, which is from God and in God - spiritual wealth, the wealth of simplicity, meekness, humility, gentleness, love for everyone, the wealth of wisdom, the knowledge of God - and in everything earthly. There are many roots of pernicious passions nesting in my soul: self-love, pride, envy, ill will, fornication, lack of faith, partiality, double-mindedness, cowardice, despondency, man-pleasing, greed and intemperance, malice, hard-heartedness, love of money, unfriendliness and others... I have to work a lot, pray, ask with tears day and night from the throne of incorruptibility for gifts incorruptibility and virtue. I was irritable and quarreled, among other things, due to blood damage due to lean food with a scrofulous constitution: rough purple spots on my face and nervous pain in my stomach and sides proved this. And so I partly exchanged lean food for fast food, milk and cream - and I became calm. May the Lord not charge me with violations due to need. December 21st. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform matins and early mass in the Assumption Church and say my word about the book of the kinship of Jesus Christ (Matthew 1: 1 – 17). I thank the Lord for early mass on Monday, December 22, in the Duma Church. After too much tea and after strawberry jam, then wine, my nerves weakened greatly and my voice was weak, rattling, my heart strength left me; in this helplessness I served mass. After communion he perked up. I thank the Lord. In the evening, around four o'clock, I got angry with my wife for spilling wood oil on the floor. And it became hard for me; I went for a walk and got angry with the beggars and could not pacify my soul, although I prayed. At home again he became somewhat enraged, but then he resolutely raised the eyes of his heart to the Lord to the east, called on His name with great faith and hope, and suddenly he was healed and cleansed. My heart calmed down, expanded, strengthened, healed. Glory to the Lord, the Benevolent, the Doctor, the Savior, the Deliverer! I thank the Lord, who healed my soul from the illness of hostility towards my wife and gave me peace - the greatest blessing of life. Calling on the name of the Lord saved me. O wonderful name! All-saving, all-powerful name! Letter to Abbot Theodosius; letter to Menshov. List of places where to go with a cross on Christmas Day. Start collecting the book from the Trusteeship. We all love life, but we have no true life without the Source of life - Jesus Christ. The Liturgy is a treasury, the source of true life, because in it the Lord Himself, the Lord of life, gives Himself as food and drink to those who believe in Him and gives abundant life to His partakers, as He Himself says: Whoever eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood has eternal life... I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly (John 6:54, 10, 10). But the culprit of sin and death, the devil, with all his hellish machinations, tries to turn Christians away from the Cup of life, instilling in them lack of faith, coldness and negligence towards this greatest Sacrament of the Christian faith, in order to keep them in the bonds of sin and death. We must constantly kindle faith in Jesus Christ in our hearts, meditate more often on His endless love, on the wonderful works of His providence, read the Holy Gospel more often, and ponder what we read; delve into yourself, see your spiritual poverty, your damnation, your blindness, nakedness, have a hunger and thirst for truth, that is, correction and righteousness, without which it is impossible to sincerely and with ardent love, fruitfully partake of the Holy Mysteries; we must renounce our addiction to earthly pleasures, which greatly impede heavenly love (Let us now put aside all worldly concerns...). These very important words of the Cherubic Song remain for the majority of Christians a voice crying in the wilderness: so we have become fussy, crushed mentally by worldly cares and addictions. Others even compare the liturgy with the stage, or with the theater - the endless difference between the two, as between heaven and earth: the liturgy is a completely heavenly service on earth, and the theater is a purely earthly work, imbued with all kinds of earthly passions, the personification and school of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, the school of this world, adulterous and sinful, sinful fun with sin and passions, in which, like in a mirror or in a kaleidoscope, in a certain physical apparatus, the world is reflected with all its morals and customs, temptations, hobbies, ugliness and pitiful consequences. In the liturgy, what strength is there against strong enemies, their victory, conquering us with our passions, the cleansing of our impurities, the light of our souls, the shrine, our glory, our hope, our affirmation! Fine songs are sung, depicting the infinitely great benefits of God to people, especially the cleansing of sins, the healing of mental and physical ailments, the generosity and long-suffering of the Lord, because the liturgy cleanses sins and gives Christians great benefits. How the Lord approached us through the incarnation: we taste Him, we drink, we breathe in Him, we put on Him - and what a wonderful endowment, beautiful, incorruptible, worldly, sweet, bright, warm, strengthening the soul! How noble! December 24. Ten rubles were received from Pavel Ivanovich Neustroev for Guardianship. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me yesterday and today through the communion of His holy, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. O my world! My healing! My sweetness, my space! My victory over mental enemies! My update! My belly! Christ our God, glory to You! I have wonderfully clothed myself with my Lord, with holiness, righteousness, power, space, boldness. I thank the Lord, who sent me, according to my letters, seventy-five rubles through Great British subjects, the Kronstadt consuls (M...) and (F...). 25th. I thank the Lord for the successful service of Matins and Liturgy, although under strong temptations of fear and fear and weakness of spirit, and for the wonderful revival by the Divine Mysteries. Glory to the power of Your Holy Mysteries, their hypostatic, original, eternal Life. What does a sinner constantly need? Grace. Lord, have mercy! What does a person need who constantly falls into the filth of sins in deed, word, thought and all feelings? Purification and sanctification. Heavenly King, Comforter, Soul of Truth... come and dwell in us, and cleanse us from all filth... Who gives cleansing and sanctification? Holy Spirit. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. The adulterous and sinful world is constantly decaying from its sins, but renewal is only in the Church of God - the theater will not renew the soul, will not cleanse it, will not give it sanctification, and this is all that is most necessary for a Christian. What do worldly entertainments, often repeated, do? The fact that holy faith finds less and less place in the heart; people are becoming more and more superficial, and therefore more and more vain, more and more desecrated by sins; the interests of faith, the most essential, highest, noblest, eternal interests, occupy souls less and less, spiritual life dries up more and more in hearts, becomes empty, everyday relationships become cold, strained, alien to simplicity and sincerity. The liturgy is a counterbalance and rebuff for the faithful to the constant corruption that dominates the world, the sanctification of those defiled by the Falls, the correction of those who sin, the uprising of those who fall, the enlightenment of the darkened, the driving away of the stench of sin, the fragrance of the Holy Spirit. You, sick of earthly creatures, come with purified feelings and thoughts to the holy liturgy and draw incorruption here; earthly and those who cling to the earth, come and enjoy the Kingdom of Heaven in the gracious Kingdom of Christ God. The Christmas tree resembles the tree of eternal life, bearing fruit every month, in which there will be unceasing pleasure and bliss. This life was restored to us by Christ after we lost it in Adam. Do you seek, do you sincerely desire the salvation of your soul? – Seek unceasingly, strive tirelessly, resist sin and the devil, the leader of sin, strive in virtue, strive that you may comprehend (1 Cor. 9:24). On December 27th I had a dream that I had quarreled with the beggars, and they left me when they left. Blessed are the poor in spirit [Matt. 5, 3). These beatitudes explain the entire need for the Divine incarnation, incarnation, exhaustion, suffering and death for the world, without the teaching proposed in these beatitudes, there would be much that is unclear in our faith and in the liturgy... Now we know why the rich God Himself became poor for our sake, precisely in order to enrich us, the poor, who, however, recognize our great poverty. You are cursed, and poor, and poor, and blind, and naked (Rev. 3:17). Every day we pursue almost only carnal goals, we do everything for the flesh: we think, and we look, and we listen, and we touch, and we taste, and we speak, and we do - a terrible one-sidedness, a one-sidedness that is disastrous for the noblest part of our being! A Christian must, trampling on carnal lusts, undergo spiritual life. 27th and 28th. I thank the most merciful Lord, who yesterday (Saturday) and today revived me, a spiritual dead man, through the communion of the life-giving Mysteries and who greatly consoled my poor and weak soul. I thank the Lord for saving me many times throughout the day. Glory to Your holy name, O Lord, constantly working miracles in me through my faith. Glory to Your faith, Lord! Glory to the riches of faith! Glory to the consolations of faith! Glory to the power of the Lord's faith! Gloriously glorified Christ our God! The devil works in the depths of our hearts, and we are superficial in everything good: in prayer, thought of God, in words and deeds; We have neither deep, firm, decisive repentance, nor deep intentions, nor prayer from the depths of the soul, nor deep, zealous virtues that embrace the whole soul. That is why we do not have a true Christian life, that is why we live like pagans and worse than many pagans. What vices are alien to Christians? – Untruth, extreme partiality, insults, covetousness, drunkenness, foul language, prodigal uncleanness in all forms, not to mention passions that are not so obvious, such as pride, envy, stinginess, hard-heartedness, love of money, ill will, malice, wickedness. Sin reigns in us, the devil reigns, therefore his will is fulfilled, and not God’s. But let us imitate the lives of the saints who pleased God - the holy apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, unmercenaries, pillars, holy fools, righteous people and all the saints whose memory the Holy Church commemorates annually and every day invites us to glorify one or more saints; Let us imitate their faith, zeal for faith, deeds, depth and firmness and constancy of their faith, hope and love. December 31st. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with miracles of His mercy and power on me, a sinner, during the service of the Liturgy yesterday and today: there was great sorrow, crampedness and uncleanness in my heart, great violence of invisible adversaries, but the Lord took away all the evil action from my heart through the communion of His holy, most pure and life-giving Mysteries. And many times the Lord saved me through the prayer of my repentance, yesterday, and the third day, and today. I praise the Lord. I thank the Lord, who solemnly, quickly, and graciously saved me from the shame and torment of hell through my prayer at the end of the christening in the apartment of the director of the Real School Alexandrov, when at the christening I missed some prayers from the fear of demons, and was ashamed and wounded. The canon and akathist to the Sweetest Jesus expresses all poverty, all damnation, all weakness, all our powerlessness, our dishonor and shame, and that Christ is our life, our wealth, our glory, our strength, all our hope. The world, adulterous and sinful, exposes itself by the fact that it does not read the word of God, runs away from the church and worship, for it is unclean, evil, adulterous and sinful. What does light have in common with darkness? (2 Cor. 6:14). Carnal lusts do not require proof, but spiritual things require proof. St. Theognostus about the active and contemplative life and about the priesthood of the head. §§2, 20, 21. // Philokalia in Russian translation. T. 3. M., 1900. Belial (Heb.) – lit.: insignificant, worthless. In the Bible this word is applied to all depraved, wicked and evil people, but especially to Satan, as the main culprit of all wickedness and evil. Kindness (church glory) – beauty. From the feast of Great Compline. Union (from the Latin word unus - one) - union with Catholic Rome and subordination to the pope with the right to preserve rituals and perform services in their native language. There are Uniates from the Greeks, Syrians, Armenians, Nestorians and Slavic peoples. Union in southwestern Russia was introduced at the end of the 15th century by Kirill Terletsky and Ipatiy Potsey (1595). It began to fall after the annexation of Little Russia to Moscow in the middle of the 18th century, and the final reunification of the Russian Uniates took place partly under Nicholas I, partly under Alexander II. True - due, real, perfect, true. Wed: Salvation is in much counsel (Proverbs 11:14). The 9th prayer of the lamp at Matins. Complete (church glory) - complete, complete; make perfect, sanctify. Rallymaster - in Russia until 1917, a court rank of the third class, head of the stable, inspector of the arena. Rebirth (Church Glorious) – rebirth, renewed life. Burlak - one of the meanings of the word in the 19th century - an unmarried person, a tramp; violent, self-willed; “burlakovaty” - rude and vulgar in address. Purely (Church Glorious) – doubly so. Obviously, Father John is referring to his contemporary - Metropolitan of Kyiv and Galicia Arseny II (Moskvin; 1797 - 1876). He graduated from the Kostroma Theological Seminary and entered the St. Petersburg Theological Academy. On September 11, 1821 he was tonsured a monk, and on September 14 he was ordained a hierodeacon. In 1823 he graduated from the Academy with a master's degree and remained with it as a bachelor in theological sciences. On September 5, 1823 he was ordained hieromonk. Since August 25, 1825 - rector of the Mogilev Theological Seminary. On December 4, 1826, he was elevated to sanarchimandrite and appointed abbot of the Mogilev Brotherhood Epiphany Monastery and the Buinitsky Monastery assigned to it. Since August 23, 1827, rector of the Oryol Theological Seminary. Since September 11, 1829 - rector of the Ryazan Theological Seminary. In October 1831, he was appointed rector of the Tver Seminary and rector of the Tver Assumption Youth, and then of the Trinity Kalyazin Monastery. On April 24, 1832 he was consecrated Bishop of Tambov. From April 5, 1841 - Archbishop of Podolsk. From November 6, 1848 - Archbishop of Warsaw, vicar of the Volyn diocese, holy archimandrite of the Pochaev Lavra. Since July 1, 1860 - Metropolitan of Kiev and Galicia, holy archimandrite of the Kiev-Pechersk Dormition Lavra and member of the Holy Synod. Nikanor (Brovkovich; 1826 – 1890), Archbishop of Kherson and Odessa. In 1847 he entered the St. Petersburg Theological Academy. On September 16, 1850, he was tonsured a monk, on September 26, he was ordained a hierodeacon, on June 30, 1851, a hieromonk, and in the same year, on September 29, he was appointed bachelor of the seminary. On December 8, 1852 he received the title of master. From April 25, 1856 he was rector of the Riga Seminary, and on April 29 of the same year he was elevated to the rank of archimandrite. Since 1857, rector of the Saratov Seminary and rector of the Saratov Spaso-Preobrazhensky Monastery. In 1864 he was called to serve in St. Petersburg. On November 5, 1865, he was moved to Vitebsk, as rector of the Polotsk Seminary. Since July 29, 1868 - rector of the Kazan Theological Academy. On October 10, 1869, the Synod awarded him the academic degree of Doctor of Theology. On July 4, 1871, he was consecrated bishop of Aksai, vicar of the Don diocese. On December 25, 1876, he was appointed to the independent Ufa department. From December 12, 1883 - Bishop of Kherson and Odessa. On March 20, 1886, he was elevated to the rank of archbishop, and in September he was elected an honorary member of the St. Petersburg Theological Academy. Tobacco smoking is a moral weakness and passion that the Church condemns, for this illness, captivating a person (like alcohol), causes dependence on him, upsets health and causes moral, physical and economic harm to its adherents. The reader, however, should understand that a negative attitude towards tobacco in Russian society developed gradually. Trade in tobacco in Russia on a large scale began from the time of Peter 1, who, by decree of February 1, 1697, allowed Russian traders to “trade tobacco openly,” which was a serious step towards making it the subject of purchase and sale and counting it as an item of government income. In Muscovite Rus', tobacco was popular only among “streltsy and all sorts of walking people.” Under Peter, tobacco consumption only began to become fashionable at court, in the army and in big cities, and then only among those segments of the population that were affected by the everyday and cultural innovations initiated by the tsar, and who wanted to join European “culture” here too. Peter. 1, realizing the benefits that could be derived from the tobacco trade, began to develop tobacco production. Tobacco received the right of citizenship in Russia, because it was encouraged for distribution and use by the Tsar himself. Elizaveta Petrovna and Ekaterina P continued Peter's policy in this regard. Tobacco production and consumption grew year by year. Starting from the middle of the 18th century, tobacco became widespread in St. Petersburg. Both wealthy people and artisans became addicted to tobacco. both military and naval. In the era of Alexander 1, the pipe and cigar began to gradually displace the snuffbox from the everyday life of city residents. An eyewitness wrote: “The passion for smoking flew quickly into our land, and within several years the habit of smoking tobacco and cigars spread not only in St. Petersburg, but throughout Russia, in all classes, in all ranks, at all ages. This passion has become as necessary as food.” The feuilletonist of the “Northern Bee” wrote in 1843: “No more than 35 years ago, smoking tobacco was placed on the same line as drinking alcoholic beverages. Sailors and old soldiers smoked tobacco... When a smoker went to society, he changed his clothes so that the smell of tobacco could not be heard. To say about a person that he smells of tobacco was considered an insult... Times are changing. Now tobacco is smoked not only by the world's leading dandies, lions, but also by ladies! Oh, horror! Ladies smoke tobacco! Little by little, the opinion became stronger that smoking is not only fashionable, but also healthy. The feuilletonist of Illustration wrote in 1845: “Everyone smokes, almost everyone sniffs... With tobacco, people both greet and see off the day pleasantly. The whole world is in smoke - but tobacco, and no one complains about the properties of the overseas potion - on the contrary, everyone tries to create a tobacco atmosphere for themselves, to live and die in it.” St. Petersburg residents viewed smoking primarily as a cure for boredom: “Neither bodily exercises, nor various games, nor singing, nor playing musical instruments... cannot replace smoking simply because they are tiresome,” wrote the author of the brochure “Smoke as much as you want.” From the beginning of the reign of Nicholas I, smoking tobacco on the streets, theaters and public places was prohibited and persecuted by the police in order to avoid fires. But under Alexander II, according to the royal decree of 1860, the sale of pipe tobacco, cigarettes and cigarettes was universally permitted in establishments where the sale of drinks was permitted, as well as in vegetable shops and confectionery shops. In 1865, smoking was officially legalized on the streets of St. Petersburg, which caused an enthusiastic reaction from contemporaries. Father John, like most of the clergy of his time, fell under the influence of “fashion” and, although irregularly, used tobacco. However, over time, his attitude towards tobacco became negative; he needed a lot of spiritual and physical strength to overcome this illness, which is essentially a passion, with the help of God, and defeat it. On the pages of the diary, the reader will more than once encounter Father John mentioning that he “smoked today.” This does not mean that smoking can be justified from a church point of view. Passing a strict moral verdict on himself for adhering to the passion of tobacco smoking, Father John accomplished a truly feat, because he did it in circumstances when not only secular, but also church society was addicted to this illness and not only did not condemn, but in every possible way promoted its benefits, did not pay attention to the physical and moral harm that it causes, as well as to the fact that this habit turns into a passion that makes a person a slave of sin. Slave image (Church Slav.) – the appearance, image of a slave. Kosneti (Church Glav.) – to hesitate. Ogrebatisya (Church Glav.) – to turn away, avoid. Sauternes is a sweet white wine. Creation (church glory) – re-creation, renewal. Rejoice, Head of the mental creation (Russian: Rejoice, Originator of spiritual rebirth) (akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, ikos 10). Rus.: See that you act carefully, not as fools, but as wise, valuing time, because the days are evil (Eph. 5:15 – 16). The Strelets monitor is one of the first Russian monitors built according to an American project to strengthen the coastal defense of the Baltic Sea in connection with the aggravation of the international situation caused by the Polish events of 1863. Laid down on July 1, 1863 on Galerny Island in St. Petersburg. Launched May 21, 1864. Znamenatisya (church glory) - to be reflected, to be imprinted. Troparion of the 9th canon of the Ethereal Canon: We unceasingly magnify You, who inexpressibly united the Heavenly, the earthly Christ, and the one Church who has perfected Angels and men. Honest (church glory) – revered, precious; Expensive. Tma (Church Glav.) – meaning ten thousand, multitude. Only with your own eyes will you look and see the reward for sinners. Translation by P. Yungerov (Ps. 90: 7 – 9). Porter is a type of dark beer. The third prayer read at Vespers on the day of Pentecost. Prayer 1 “Lord, generous and merciful...” from the sequence of prayers of the lamp at Vespers. Neglect (French) – neglect one’s duties, be inattentive, careless. My beauty is Grace; my moderation is Grace itself. My beauty is Trinity; my moderation is Trinity. Glory to Thee (lat.). Glory to Thee (Greek). The prayer “Lord our God, in the worthlessness of faith...” from the sequence of prayers for the future sleep. Udovli (church glory) - honor, make worthy. Listen to yourself (Russian: Watch yourself). Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos. Ikos 7th. Renunciation of Satan from the rite of the Sacrament of Baptism. Confession of fidelity to Christ from the rite of the Sacrament of Baptism. Nazirati (Church Glav.) – to notice, to observe. Placeless (Church Slavic) – ridiculous, obscene. Wed. with the Irmos of the 9th song of the canon at Matins of Great Saturday: Do not weep for Me, O Mother, seeing in the tomb... I will arise and be glorified, and will exalt you with glory unceasingly, like God, magnifying You with faith and love. Ouds (Church Slavic) – members of the body. To vilify (church-glory) – to vilify, disgrace; not reproaching - not reproaching. On this day, Metropolitan Isidore celebrated his 50th anniversary of service in the priesthood. On September 5, 1825, Metropolitan Seraphim of St. Petersburg ordained Hierodeacon Isidore (Nikolsky) as a hieromonk. Toliko (church glory) – so much. Imitate (Church Glav.) – laugh, mock, tease. Outside (Church Glav.) – from the outside, outside. Rhea (Church Glav.) - pushing, pushing; rush - rush. From the prayer “Lord Jesus Christ our God, Thy peace given to man...” read at Vespers on the Feast of Pentecost. Otschetiti (Church Glav.) – to make vain, empty, to bring harm, loss. Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos. Kontakion 11th. Prayer For Thy Fear... “from following to Holy Communion. Mat – a woven mat made of hemp or rope; mat, matting. Prayer from the Sacrament of Anointing. “There was one elder Vissarion, who had no property and was merciful. Arriving in one village, he saw a dead beggar without any clothes in the market. He himself was wearing only one slash, according to the commandment of the Gospel, and also a small epancha on his shoulders (a wide, long cloak without sleeves - Ed.). Apart from this robe, he had nothing. He always carried the Gospel under his arm, whether to test himself in constant obedience to the word of God or in order to have with him the teaching, which he fulfilled by his own deeds. This husband led such a wonderful and blameless life that it was as if an earthly angel was sacredly following the heavenly path. So, when he saw the dead body, he immediately took off his cap and covered the dead man with it. Having walked away a little, he met a beggar, completely naked, stopped and began to think: “Why, having renounced the world, do I put on clothes, while my brother is freezing from the cold? If I let him die, then of course I will be the cause of the death of my neighbor. Well? Should I tear my clothes and divide them into pieces, or should I give them all to him who was created in the image of God? But what good will it do to me and him if I tear it apart piece by piece?” Reasoning in this way, he said: “Will I really suffer any harm when I do more than I was commanded?” And so this good ascetic diligently and quickly called the poor man into the vestibule of one house, put his sarbita on him and sent him away, while he himself remained naked, covered himself with his hands and sat down - only under his arm was the word of God, which makes people rich. At this time, by the will of Providence, one guardian of order passed by. He recognized the elder and said to his comrade: “Look, is this elder Abba Vissarion?” He answered: “Indeed he is.” Then he got off his horse and asked the saint: “Who stripped you?” Abba extended his hand with the Gospel and said: “Here it is that undressed me!” The guardian immediately took off his clothes and said: “Here you go, perfect warrior!” The saint took it and immediately secretly departed from the world, carrying with him what looked like a small monastic robe. He tried to avoid praise from a person who recognized his virtue, and secretly expected hidden glory. Having fulfilled exactly the gospel rule and no longer having anything worldly in his soul, he showed further experience of the most perfect observance of the Divine commandment. On the road he saw a poor man, immediately ran to the market and sold the Gospel. A few days later, the abba’s disciple, named Dula, asked the elder: “Where, abba, is your little book?” The elder calmly and intelligently answered him: “Don’t be sad, brother! To show that I have faith and obedience to the word of God, I sold this word, which always spoke to me: Sell what you have and give to the poor... (Matthew 19:21) "". See: Palladius, Bishop of Elenopol. "Lavsaik, or the story of the life of the holy and blessed fathers". Chapter “About Vissarion”. Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, Kontakion 9. Calling themselves wise, they became fools (Rom. 1:22). Troparion of the 2nd song of the Great Canon of St. Andrew of Crete. Lieutenant-Commander (German: Karitanleutnant) is the highest rank of junior officer in the navies of some countries; in Germany and Russia it corresponds to an army captain. In the old days, it was also an army military rank, below the rank of captain. Literally, “deputy captain” (as the commander of a ship or company). In the Russian army and engineering troops - chief officer rank X class, GC class artillery, VTP class in the guard in the Table of Ranks until 1730. In 1730 - 1798 he was called captain-lieutenant, then - staff captain; corresponds to a modern senior lieutenant. In the Russian Navy - the junior staff officer rank of the VTP class, corresponding to the rank of army major. Introduced in 1713 and existed until 1884. It was restored on June 9, 1907 and abolished again on December 6, 1911. Koliko (Church Glav.) – how much, how much. Constance is a sweet Muscat dessert wine. Face (Church Slavic) – here: choir, choral singing. Bitter orange is a type of citrus fruit. This probably means Marsala - a strong wine that has some similarities with Madeira, but differs from it in its high sugar content. 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th members of the Creed. You might be interested in: