Плач о страданиях души своей

What have I endured, unfortunate one? What kind of cry will match my suffering? Where can I find a sufficient source of tears? What song will I compose? Whether anyone mourned the death of children, venerable parents, dear wife, or the destruction of a dear homeland by a destructive fire, or the defeat of members by a cruel disease, no one lamented as much as I weep for my cruelly suffering soul, in which (oh, I am ill-fated) the heavenly image perishes. There is no doubt that man is a creature and the image of the great God. Everyone has come from God and goes to God, who, having set his mind on grief and bound his flesh in spirit, has the merciful Christ as the leader of his life, and devotes his acquisitions, his tongue and hearing, his very mind and strength - everything to the future life, who, from the all-consuming world, stealing everything that the thief of someone else’s property, the godless Belial, has taken possession of, brings this into treasuries that are harder than earthly and plundered and destroyed, in order to behold the King himself, so that, having put off the flesh and the opposing fatness, one becomes god and spirit, stands in the rank of the radiant angelic face, for great labors acquires an even greater reward, not as before, looking at the light image of the tabernacle, at the written and destructible image of the law, but with the pure eyes of the mind contemplating the truth itself and chanting with the lips celebratory song. This is the purpose of life; to this the greatness of Christ’s suffering raises the inhabitants of the earth. For Christ, being God, the head of life, exceeded the centuries, always the entire image of the immortal Father took the form of a slave, tasted death, met life a second time, in order to deliver me from slavery and from the bonds of death, returning to a better life. But I did not observe the venerable mysteries of God, although my soul was initiated into the mysteries of the heavenly ascent. Rough flesh weighs me down; I could not rise from the mud and turn my eye to the light. And he converted, it’s true, but a cloud came between us and a cloud covered my eyes - this is rebellious flesh and earthly spirit. There are many vain worries of a wandering mind in the heart; they turn first to one or the other and alienate Christ, God the Word, from me, because the Bridegroom does not tolerate communication with a soul alien to Him. There are many harmful potions of destruction on the tongue, because the tongue is half of all human vices, whether it spews out obvious evil - anger, which is especially strong in its impulses and takes away a person’s mind, or, harboring an insidious intent in the chest, pours meek speeches from soft lips. Oh, if only some kind of door were put to both my eyes and my mouth, which are not always opened for good, so that I could see and hear only what was good, and for what was bad, both my sight and my hearing would close themselves! And the best exercise for hands is so that they, clean, constantly raise themselves to the sky and are submissive to heavenly laws; equally for the feet, so that they walk on a smooth path, and not along thorns, not along rocks, not along an unholy path. But now, although each member given to me by God is useful in itself and given for a useful purpose, yet sin turned it into a weapon of death for me. What law governs me? Why did I become a prisoner of the flesh on earth? How is the body mixed with the light spirit? I am not all pure nature - mind, not all and worse - flesh; but is composed of both, and something else with them. And therefore I endure the incessant anxiety of warfare between those who are mutually at odds - both flesh and soul. I, the image of God, am drawn into sinfulness; the worst in me unjustly resists the better, or I run away from sins and resist them, but not without difficulty, after many struggles and with only heavenly help. For there are two, as if there were two minds in me: one is good, and it follows everything that is beautiful, and the other is worse, and it follows everything that is bad. One mind goes to the light and is ready to submit to Christ; and the other - the mind of flesh and blood - is drawn into darkness and agrees to surrender into captivity to Belial. Or one enjoys earthly things, seeks what is useful for himself not in the permanent, but in the transitory, loves feasts, quarrels, burdensome satiety, the shame of dark deeds and deceptions, follows the broad path, and, covered with an impenetrable haze of unreason, amuses himself with his own destruction; and the other admires the heavenly and hoped for as real, in God alone he places the hope of life, but here, subject to various accidents, he considers things worthless as smoke, loves poverty, labor and good cares, and follows the narrow path of life. Seeing their struggle, the Spirit of the great God descended from above and gave help to the mind, stopping the uprising of restless flesh or pacifying the troubled waters of black passions. But even after this the flesh has furious strength and does not stop fighting; the struggle remains indecisive. Sometimes the flesh is humbled by the mind, and sometimes the mind again, against its will, follows the overpowering flesh. But although he wants one thing, namely the best; however, doing something else, namely, what he hates, he mourns the painful slavery, the delusion of the first-born father, the disastrous conviction of the mother - this mother of our insolence, the criminal lie of the reptile bloodsucker - the serpent, who amuses himself with human sins, mourns the tree or the fruit of the tree harmful to man, and the harmful taste, and the gates of death, and the shameful nakedness of the members, and even more dishonorable expulsion from paradise, or from the tree of life. The sick mind laments about this. But my flesh even now directs its gaze to our ancestors and to the murderous tree; she constantly loves all kinds of sweet food, which the evil destroyer, the serpent, shows her only to seduce her. That's why I cry; and the King, who rules over everything and weighs everything on His scales, I tearfully pray that He will mercifully judge soul and body, stop fighting, and subordinate the worse (as it should, because this is much more beneficial for both soul and body) to the better, so that the soul burdened with flesh does not drag along the earth and does not sink like lead into the depths, but that the flesh yields to the winged spirit and image, and sin melted away like wax from fire. I pray for this, and I myself apply many medicines to the rough flesh, in order to stop the cruel illness, in order to hold with strong bonds the power of the flesh, as the most treacherous beast; trembling before the evil wave, I put barriers to my womb, I exhaust my heart with intractable grief and shed streams of tears; I bow my contrite knees before the King, spend nights without sleep, wear sad clothes. Others think of feasts, rejoicing, laughter, gluttony - these are the amusements of a blooming age. Others again find consolation in spouses, in sons, in the fragile glory of possessing enormous wealth. Others are again amused by public meetings, groves, baths, city pomp, laudatory speeches, the noise of those accompanying them, when they themselves rush quickly on high chariots. For mortals have many pleasures in a varied life, and joy is mixed with even disasters. But I died to life, I barely catch my breath on earth, I avoid cities and people, talking with animals and with cliffs, alone, far from others, I live in a gloomy and unfinished cave in one tunic, without shoes, without fire, I feed only on hope and have turned into a reproach to all earthly beings. I have tree branches as a bed, a reliable hair shirt as a bed, and dust on the floor, moistened with tears. Many sigh under iron chains, others, as far as I know, eat ashes for food, and others’ drink is dissolved with bitter tears; others, covered with winter snows, stand like trees for forty days and nights, raising their hearts from the earth and having one God in their thoughts. Another closed his mouth and put a bridle on his tongue, which, however, he does not always tighten, but loosens it only for hymns, so that his mouth would be animated by the harp, which the Spirit strikes. And whoever has consecrated his head to Christ, for the sake of a pious vow, guards it from being cut. The other closed his eyes and put doors to his ears, so that the sting of death would not sting him from somewhere inconspicuously. I used these six methods of healing against hostile flesh. Already gray hair serves as an aid against my passions. There were also many unforeseen storms, which made me worry against my will and overwhelmed me with severe sorrows. But the inflexible flesh does not obey suggestions, is not humbled by disasters, is not tamed by time, but always with closed eyes hurries along the path of the opposite life, and, like a legion, seeks rapids. If sometimes it yields for a short time to the fear of God, or to labors, or to Divine verbs, then, like a plant straightened by the hands of a gardener, it bends again into its former curvature. Oh, miserable tributaries of death! O, human race, we, who, being consumed by sins, are consoled by our demons, do not respect the intelligence that God invested in us at birth, when he gave us the seed of life; We are not afraid of the law that King Christ inscribed, first on stone tablets, covering the truth with writing, and finally on our hearts - with the radiance of the Holy Spirit! With our undertakings we are opposing the sufferings of Christ, with which Christ delivered us from painful passions, when he took on flesh and was nailed to the cross, to which he nailed together both the black sin of the creature and the power of Belial, so that we, having been reborn and risen from the grave, would receive heavenly glory with the great Christ. Numerous are the gifts of God to all earthly beings; our tongue cannot express their greatness. God draws me to life, either by humbling me with blows when I sin, or by smiling at me when I please Him. For He governs everything with a mind filled with favor towards man, although the depth of His wisdom is hidden, although between our race and the Divine there is deep darkness, through which few penetrate with a sophisticated gaze, namely those only whom life has enlightened, and who, having become pure, have touched pure wisdom. But Christ has made me worthy of preferential glory. First he gave me as a gift to his mother, who prayed from the depths of her heart, and he himself accepted me as a gift from my parents, who, of all that they had, had nothing more valuable than their son. And then with night visions he instilled in me a love for a chaste life. Listen to me now, God-wise ones; and those who are defiled in heart, open the doors to your hearing! I was a young boy, at an age when the mind takes into itself the outline of good or bad, but, not yet having within itself a model for solid ideas, first of all imprints other people’s morals in the heart. My parents, however, colored my mind with good colors, showing me the advantages of virtue, because they themselves, unanimously zealous for piety, both in their gray hairs and in their praiseworthy morals, were an object of surprise for all earthly beings; enjoying happiness and physical health, they lived human life in a measured manner. One of them once stood far from the great herd, in which he now occupies a high place; Before he was not even a sheep, but then he became the most excellent of the sheep, from the sheep he became a shepherd; and now he is the father and shepherd of shepherds. And although he did not begin the abundant harvest early, yet with his labors he greatly eclipsed those who began the work before him. And the other - the holy planting of sacred parents, from the mother's side, vegetated from the pious root of pious branches - was in no way inferior to the wives who had been before, who received the King Christ or saw Him rise from the grave. Both of them breathed little on earth, and only because of the need of the flesh; most of their lives were hidden in the heights. From them my tender heart also received education, like freshly prepared cottage cheese that soon takes the form of a vessel. And at one time, in the midst of deep sleep, I had such a vision, which easily ignited in me a love for virginity. I imagined that next to me stood two maidens in white robes, both beautiful and lonely in age; the whole decoration of both consisted in the fact that they did not have any decorations on them, which, in fact, is the beauty of the wives. Neither gold nor hyacinths adorned their necks, nor fine silk fabrics, nor delicate linen tunics covered their members. The eyes were not shaded with tinted eyelashes. They did not use any of the means that were invented by men who cared about the artificial decoration of women's appearance to excite voluptuousness. Their golden curls did not spill over their shoulders and did not play with the light breath of the breeze. The beautiful outerwear was tied with a belt and went down the legs to the toes. With their head veil covering their cheeks, they stood with their eyes cast down to the ground. Both were adorned with a beautiful blush of modesty, as much as could be seen from under the covers that fit tightly to their faces. Their lips, enclosed in silence, were likened to a rose lying in cups sprinkled with dew. Seeing them, I was very happy, for I reasoned that they must be much higher than simple earth-born creatures. And they loved me because I looked at them with pleasure; They kissed me with their lips like a dear son; and when I asked what kind of women they were and where they came from, they answered: “One of us is Purity, and the other is Chastity. We stand before the King Christ and enjoy the beauties of heavenly virgins. But you, too, son, unite your mind with our hearts, and your lamp with our lamps, so that you, enlightened, transporting you through the ethereal heights, can be placed before the radiance of the immortal Trinity.” Having said this, they flew away through the ether, and my gaze followed those flying away. It was a dream; but for a long time the heart was delighted with the venerable visions of the night and the images of bright virginity. The words of the virgins were renewed in my thoughts even then. when the concept of good and bad is clearly assimilated by a person, when the mind prevailed over love, and the beauty of the delightful night vision began to appear unclear. Just as dry straw is suddenly illuminated by an invisible spark nourished within it, and first a small flame appears, and then a vast pillar of fire rises, so I, ignited by a vision, was instantly illuminated by love, and its rays, without hiding in the depths of my soul, became visible to everyone. First, I became close to pious people who, having renounced the earthly world, escaped the bonds of marriage, so that, having been inspired, they would follow the King Christ and move from here with great glory. I loved them, embraced them with all my heart, and chose them for myself as leaders of heavenly hope. And then he himself rejected the heavy yoke of marriage, loving the high lot of eternally young creatures, because the creatures inhabiting the vast sky do not know the bonds of marriage and the restless passions above. And such, firstly, is the luminous great God, and according to Him such are God’s servants who stand near the high throne, receive the first ray of pure God, and, enlightened by it, teach the light to mortals. And those who are united together from soul and body are dual in nature, are the products of the opposing flesh, love married life and are ready to sow into the flesh. But God the Word, having brought us the best lot, placed it away from the flesh and separated it from the deceptive world, and brought it closer to the celibate life of the immortals. My heart yearned for Him with love. I did not establish my weak feet on earth, but, having tasted the hard lye there, like sweet milk or honey, I did not want to come closer to the bitter food, to the soul-destroying sin that was born from it. For me, feasts were not attractive, everything that youth cares about had no pleasure, neither soft clothing, nor luxurious curls, nor the seductive charm of shameful speeches, nor incontinent laughter, nor the boiling of hostile flesh. To others I gave up the rapids, and the neighing horses, and the pack of hounds. Having rejected all earthly pleasures, I bowed my neck under the yoke of strict chastity. It nourished me, caressed me, grew me into great glory and carefully placed me in the arms of Christ. But You, Father, and the Father’s Word, and the most luminous Spirit, are the support of our shaky life! do not allow the enemy, the opponent of Your hope, to crush me with his hands, so that I, like a black ship, which, after a safe voyage, is approaching the shore and is almost touching a nearby pier, suddenly a strong storm, hitting the lowered sails with an all-crushing breath, carries me back, and returning me to the wide ridge of life, and here and there, overwhelmed by great disasters, finally throws me onto hidden underwater rocks. And this is the intention of the envious Belial. He always persecutes the human race with hatred and does not tolerate the earthly becoming heavenly, because for his own malice he was cast down from heaven to this earth. He, the unfortunate one, desired to have the glory of the first Beauty and the great royal honor of God himself, but instead of light he clothed himself in terrible darkness. That is why he always enjoys dark deeds and has dominion over dark sin. This perverted mind takes on a double image, spreading first one or the other network. He is either the deepest darkness, or, if you open him, he immediately turns into a bright angel and seduces minds with a gentle smile. This is why special care is needed so as not to encounter death instead of light. Even thin people can avoid a vicious life; because open vice is hateful to many. I praise the one who, with the sophisticated eyes of the spirit, denounces the insidious and invisible enemy. But You, Merciful One, protect my old age and my gray head and bring a good end to my life! How carefully You loved me before and day by day led me to greater perfection, bringing me closer to good hopes; So, from hostile and painful worries, lead me into the quiet haven of Your kingdom, so that, glorifying You, O King, with the ever-living Lights, I may be worthy of heavenly glory. You might be interested in: