Монахиня Таисия (Арцыбушева)

In the spring of 1924, Muscovites and acquaintances from other cities began to come to Diveevo and Sarov, and my mother-in-law hosted many. Friends sent their friends, and our house was almost always full of people. That year Fr. visited us for the first time. Alexander Gumanovsky, Father Philip Chudovsky and many others. At the end of May, Fr. arrived in Diveevo. Vladimir Bogdanov. The arrival of guests greatly improved our table, since things were brought from Moscow that were difficult to get in Diveyevo: sugar, sweets, wheat flour, etc. Life became easier, and our mood improved. Spiritual concern appeared again, as material concern began to be felt less acutely. Fr. Vladimir Bogdanov did not stay with us, but in the monastery with his spiritual daughters, the Galaktionovs. The youngest of them, Ekaterina Ivanovna, was on very good terms with me and especially loved Alyosha, who was four and a half years old at that time. From Ekaterina Ivanovna and her sister nun Mikhaila, I heard a lot about Fr. Vladimir, especially about how beautifully he confesses. I had a desire to confess to him. I haven’t had a detailed relieving confession for a long time, but I have accumulated a lot of sins. O. Vladimir answered me that he was leaving for Sarov, and if I also came there, then he had nothing against my confession to him. With the consent of my mother-in-law, I went to Sarov. O. Vladimir invited me to go for a walk with him in the forest, and during the walk I confessed. Confession was in the form of a conversation. He was not content with confessing current sins, but asked about some details over the past years. And I suddenly remembered one sin that I had forgotten, as I said in irritation to Alyosha when he was very little, during my husband’s life: “Oh, you damned boy, you will finally calm down.” I forgot about this sin when I made a detailed confession, and I remembered it by chance. O. Vladimir, completely unexpectedly for me, told me that he could not resolve this sin, since only unction could remove it from me. Moreover, he added that not only I myself should receive unction, but also the children, although both were still babies. Unction us Fr. Vladimir refused, but ordered to ask Fr. Sergius Bityugov, who should be in Diveyevo for a short time. “I’ll see him in Moscow and tell him,” said Fr. Vladimir. And when he arrives, remind him.” I was very surprised by this decision, but did not argue; on the contrary, I took his words very seriously and began to wait for Fr. Sergius. We gathered together as a family. Before the unction, Fr. Sergius ordered me to confess to him, and during confession he told me that the Patriarch, apparently, was entering into communication with renovationists and therefore we must refrain from commemorating him until this issue was clarified. Due to the fact that the Patriarch is being commemorated in the Diveyevo Monastery, Father Sergius ordered me to temporarily refrain from communion of the Holy Mysteries, and also not to give communion to children. He posed the question in such a way that since I confess and receive unction with him, I must fulfill his advice for obedience. He promised to let us know about the course of events as soon as he returned to Moscow. Soon he left. It was very difficult for me to fulfill his request without being noticed. The whole monastery knew that I took the children to communion every week. In confession I am Fr. I told Sergius this, but he asked me to be patient for the sake of Orthodoxy. There was nothing to do, it was necessary to perform and endure. And I had to endure a lot. All this happened at the end of June, a number of holidays - the Vladimir Mother of God, the Nativity of John the Baptist - were patronal in the monastery. Controversy among the Diveyevo residents began immediately. Everyone wondered why I stopped giving communion to the children. My mother-in-law helped with this. Thinking of doing better, I conveyed to her the words of Fr. Sergius. I hoped that she would understand and agree that in this case I could not do otherwise. But not only did she not help me, but, on the contrary, she told everyone about it. She was indignant, complained about me, reproached me, begged me, and thereby doubled the difficulty that I was experiencing. I believed that by obedience I would not sin, even if the one who gave the obedience made a mistake. Disobedience is a sin in itself, and therefore I decided to endure. The feast of the holy apostles Peter and Paul has arrived. To the indignation of my mother-in-law, I did not give communion to the children that day either. At the same time, I was still experiencing severe grief. I received news of my brother Volodya’s illness, and on the very day of the holiday I received a telegram about his death. Until now, I have been strong and did not cry, no matter how hard it was for me. But having received a telegram about Volodya’s death, I gave free rein to tears. There was no answer from Father Sergius about church matters. Relations with my mother-in-law deteriorated. New holidays were coming: the memory of St. Sergius and the Kazan Mother of God. I decided to temporarily leave Diveevo with my children. Ten miles from us lived a priest’s family I knew, I talked to them and asked them to accept me as a guest, without explaining the reason. Hiding it from everyone, I began to collect and pack my things and made an agreement with the driver. I wanted to leave on July 5 or 6. The day before the appointed day of departure, in the evening, after putting the children to bed, I began to pray with tears that the Lord would give me instructions on what to do. “Lord, send me someone to resolve my condition. You can do anything. If you don’t send me anyone before lunch tomorrow, it will mean that I need to leave Diveevo, but if I don’t need to leave, then tomorrow someone will come and put an end to my torment.” All this time, guests continued to come to us, but so far not one of them brought me a solution to the question that was tormenting me. My mother-in-law started a conversation with everyone about church disagreements, told everyone that I did not give communion to my children, some were silent, others persuaded me, and all this was unbearably difficult. The next day after I made the decision to issue God’s instructions before lunch, I went to the bathhouse to wash my clothes; I wanted to have time to wash and dry everything before evening, so as not to take anything dirty with me. They came for me just before lunch. I came home and went into the kitchen for soup. And at that moment a person unfamiliar to me came to us with a letter to my mother-in-law. At that moment, the memory of yesterday’s prayer completely disappeared from my head. I took the letter from her, received her very coldly and, without inviting her into the room, sent my mother-in-law to her, and sat down to dinner. A minute later my mother-in-law returns and says: “Guests again. This is Natasha (her niece) writing, asking to accept her spiritual father and two spiritual daughters. I will refuse, enough trouble in our house. I can’t accept everyone anymore.” Strange as it may seem, even here, having learned that a clergyman had come to us, who, perhaps, could explain everything to me, that is, exactly the person for whom I had prayed the day before, I still did not understand this. In my heart I sympathized with my mother-in-law, since large receptions were already a burden to me, especially in view of all my worries. The arriving guest continued to ask to receive them, and my mother-in-law gave in to her request and allowed them to come, but on the condition that they would only be given shelter, but she refused the services in advance. I was unhappy with this decision. I wanted there to be no strangers with us, since with guests it was more difficult for me to leave unnoticed. I had to postpone my departure. In order not to participate at all in the reception of guests, I hurried back to the interrupted washing. Remembering all this now, I am surprised that at that very moment I was not struck by the accuracy of the fulfillment of my prayer. I asked to send someone before lunch, this would, as I asked, be a sign for me that I don’t need to leave. And she didn’t even bother to find out who the Lord sent. At about 8 pm I returned home. During the day I heard rumors in the bathhouse that some hieromonk had come to us with two spiritual daughters, that my mother-in-law was already working hard to receive them well, but why she changed her intention, I didn’t know and wasn’t particularly interested, since I was very tired and dissatisfied. I had dinner alone in the kitchen, not wanting to go out to the guests, and was about to go into the children’s room, put them to bed, and then go to bed myself. At this time, my mother-in-law entered the kitchen with the words: “Oh, dear, if you knew how handsome he is, you know that I did not want to accept him. You heard how I abruptly accepted his spiritual daughter, but she begged me, I agreed with irritation, and when he came and sat down and I looked at his exhausted face - he seemed so similar to Petechka to me, and I immediately said to myself: everything will be for you, I will do everything for you myself. Please come out, Tasechka, meet him, most importantly, look at him, how handsome he is.” Then my father-in-law came into the kitchen and also began calling me into the dining room, saying that if I didn’t come out, it would be indecent on my part. Under his influence, I decided to go out. Still, my mother-in-law’s words about the beauty of the newcomer did not interest me at all. On the contrary, seeing her such delight, I imagined that she had already told him everything about me, found an ally in him, and I internally prepared for new troubles. Coming out in such a mood, I probably looked very unpleasant, and I can imagine the impression I made on our guests. The visitor turned out to be Archimandrite of the Danilov Monastery, Fr. Seraphim. His beauty did not strike me, although, of course, he was handsome, especially his eyes with a childish, pure look. I said hello, deliberately sat down at the samovar, did not look at him and answered questions reluctantly. My mother-in-law said, turning to me: “But Fr. the archimandrite says that they commemorate the Patriarch in the monastery.” “Well, that’s it,” I thought with annoyance, “we managed to come to an agreement.” I didn’t answer her anything out loud, pretending that I hadn’t heard her words. During tea, a nun who had recently arrived there came running from the monastery, especially to see Fr. Serafima (she knew him from Moscow), and as she was leaving, she told me (I went out to see her off): “This is a very respected person, he is very famous in Moscow.” To this I thought with annoyance: “They are all respected individuals, but they all say different things, which respected individual should I believe?” O. Seraphim tried hard all evening to get me to talk. At the end of the evening, when my father-in-law and mother-in-law left the dining room, I let slip that it was very difficult for me and I was thinking of leaving Diveyevo. Only at night I suddenly had a memory of my prayer and that it had been exactly fulfilled. “How did I not think of this right away,” I wondered. Maybe he’ll really explain everything to me, tomorrow I’ll definitely talk to him and ask him.” In the morning I did not go to mass, but the guests, having returned with my mother-in-law from church, after tea, got ready to go with her to the holy places of Diveyevo. I seized the moment when Fr. Seraphim, waiting for his companions, was left alone, went up to him and said that I really needed to talk to him, but that it was inconvenient for us at home, but could he meet me at the cemetery at my husband’s grave. He readily agreed, and we decided that the most convenient time would be before the all-night vigil at 5 pm. At exactly 5 o'clock I arrived at the cemetery. A few minutes later Fr. came up to me. Seraphim asked me directly: “What is tormenting you?” “It’s a church question, father,” I answered and told him everything I had experienced over the past two months. “We in the Danilovsky Monastery also suffered greatly from this,” he answered. For three days they did not commemorate His Holiness, but then everything became clear. The Patriarch had no intention of entering into communication with the renovationists, and we, of course, began to remember him again. It’s good that this tormented you, I was afraid that something else would happen, but in this regard, completely calm down and calmly take communion yourself and your children.” It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I asked him to confess to me in the evening. To the great surprise of my mother-in-law, the next day I took communion and gave communion to the children. Served Fr. Seraphim in the church at the cemetery. With Fr. Seraphim had a book of apostolic and canonical rules, according to which he explained a lot to me. The fact that I obeyed Fr. Sergius Bityugov, he considered it right. I didn’t tell him any special details about myself; most importantly, I talked about my experiences after confessing to Fr. Sergius. My mother-in-law, extremely surprised that, in her opinion, I gave in so easily, decided that the personal charm of Fr. Seraphim had an effect on me, and tried to take advantage of it. She also went to confess to Fr. Seraphim, and told him about all our disagreements with her and in the end forced him to write it all down in order to influence me. The next day Fr. Seraphim asked me to go with him to the garden and showed me a list of my accusations. Frankly speaking, I was not very pleased to read it. He began to persuade me to submit to my mother-in-law, talked about the need to improve our relationship and asked if I would like to confess to him again. I agreed, and in the evening during confession, he invited me to come under his leadership. “You had almost no communication with Vladyka Nicholas,” he said, “but you, you yourself understand, need leadership. I take responsibility for you before God. To the best of my ability, I will support and help you, but in return I demand complete revelation and obedience.” He looked very serious and even stern. “A complete surrender of one’s will is necessary,” he repeated several times. I replied that I should think about whether I agree to this. “If you agree, then write me a full confession from the age of seven,” said Fr. Seraphim, “and tomorrow morning before the Liturgy, give me the answer.” I went home and here for several hours I experienced an enormous struggle. Self-will and pride protested strongly in me. I felt that Fr. Seraphim would demand complete submission to his mother-in-law, and because of this my soul was indignant, but, on the other hand, it was clear to me that it was unthinkable to continue to live the way I lived. I felt that without guidance I could not be saved, that something had to be done, since I had entered the path of spiritual life. I understood that I was being offered a path, although difficult, perhaps harsh, but true. An inner voice told me that the arrival of Fr. Seraphim was not a simple, but a precise answer to my prayer and that I should pay attention to this and not shy away from God’s Providence. The result of a great struggle was that I decided to agree to Fr. Seraphim. Since I was seven, I didn’t want to write a confession again; it seemed impossible for me to remember everything again and again feel shame in front of my confessor, as I had already experienced in Yelets. But oh. Seraphim said that this was necessary. “I need to know everything about you,” he said. I had to write a full confession again. I wrote a lot of paper and, without re-reading, gave it to Fr. Seraphim, who was leaving for Sarov. He didn’t have time to read my confession, but took it with him. Exactly a week later, on July 14, his spiritual daughter came from Sarov. Brought to me from Fr. Seraphim’s letter, where he wrote that he had read my confession, was very glad that I wrote everything so openly, and called me to Sarov. I went to Sarov for the all-night vigil that same day. In the evening Fr. Seraphim spoke to me for a long time, read me a prayer of permission, and our spiritual union was sealed. During this confession, I felt a huge difference between a lay priest and an ascetic monk. How much in Yelets about. Vladimir listened to everything indifferently and condescendingly, so Fr. Seraphim took it seriously, carefully, without any condescension and with many instructions. Accordingly, the relief was immeasurably greater. He soon left for Moscow, obliging me to write him a daily revelation and send it with opportunity to Moscow. In addition, he gave the rule of five hundred. From this day a new life began for me. First of all, I felt in control. Now it was impossible to do anything in vain. Every action had to be written down, and not only the action, but every sinful word, and thoughts had to be analyzed. Every evening I had to remember my day and write down my sins. The consequence of this was the desire to avoid all unnecessary meetings and unnecessary conversations. Gradually I got so used to it that revelation became an urgent need for me. O. Seraphim answered me in the margins and returned the notes. At the end of August I went through Moscow to Yelets. After my brother’s death, I wanted to visit his grave and see my mother. When I arrived in Moscow, Fr. Seraphim sent me to Fr. Alexy, he considered it necessary that I receive permission and blessing from the elder for his guidance of me. I went the next day and was accepted. I told the priest how unsuccessfully my attempt to receive guidance from Bishop Nicholas had turned out for me, I told in detail about all my experiences, starting with confession to Fr. Vladimir Bogdanov, about my prayer before the arrival of Fr. Seraphim, his arrival, my transition to him, about the daily revelation that I send to him, and at the end she asked: does the priest bless me to stay with him. O. Alexy listened to my story with extraordinary interest. He said that I was right in obeying Fr. Sergius Bityugov, since in obedience the answer is borne by the one who gives obedience, that the arrival of Fr. Seraphim is the clear mercy of God, the clear message of God, and the fact that I use the guidance of Fr. Seraphim, there is the obvious will of God. Father blessed me with the words: “I transfer all my power over you as your spiritual father from the age of sixteen to Fr. Seraphim." “What about Vladyka Nikolai?” – I asked. “You also need to receive a blessing for this from him, as the highest hierarchical authority over us,” answered the priest. O. Seraphim told me to ask the elder how best to lead: strictly or condescendingly. Father replied: “Severity is better, but moderate severity, so as not to lead to despair.” With these results I returned to Fr. Seraphim. This was in August 1924. Having been in Yelets for a short time, I returned to Diveevo. Until January, life went on as usual. I spent all my time at work, working with children, writing revelations, sending them with opportunities and receiving answers. In December 1924, the process in my lung began again. The temperature rose in the evenings. I've lost a lot of weight. The local doctor said that, in his opinion, I had a serious problem, and strongly advised me to see a specialist. The doctor’s words excited my mother-in-law, and she persuaded me to go to Moscow. My relationship with her improved greatly, as Fr. Seraphim breaks his will in front of her. This was a very difficult matter for me, and I coped with it with difficulty, but still I tried. Arriving in Moscow after Epiphany, I saw the doctors, who prescribed me treatment and advised me to live in Moscow to be under their supervision. My mom sent me money for living and treatment. She sold her seal coat and shared it with me. I settled with my spiritual daughter Fr. Seraphim, Sofya Mikhailovna (who was with him in Diveyevo). In order not to burden her, I met the second spiritual daughter of Fr. Seraphim, Marusya Prozorovskaya, who turned out to be my fellow countrywoman from Zadonsk. That’s how I lived: a week with Sofia Mikhailovna, a week with the Prozorovskys. In the very first days of my stay in Moscow, Fr. Seraphim sent me to Vladyka Nicholas, who returned to Moscow shortly before my arrival. Vladyka Nikolai accepted me as his own daughter. He was very affectionate, very kind, caring. The complete opposite of Fr. Seraphim, who always received him dryly and even sternly. I had already gotten used to his dryness, I felt the benefit from it and, under the external severity, I felt care and love for my soul. I once wrote to him in a revelation about his severity, and in the margins he replied: “Yes, but this is external severity, and under this severity there is a deep, deep desire for salvation for you.” I believed and felt this, because his severity did not repel me, but still the bishop’s reception, his affection, care, attention involuntarily emphasized the difference between them. I told the Bishop everything in detail about myself. “My poor baby, who did you end up with,” he repeated several times during my story. When I told him about Fr. Seraphim and asked to confirm the blessing of Fr. Alexy, the bishop replied that for this he must with Fr. To meet Seraphim personally, and promised to visit the Danilovsky Monastery this coming Sunday. On this day, Vladyka told me about one incident from his life, which had an impact on strengthening his unconditional faith in the afterlife. After the death of their father-archpriest in the city of N, their mother was very poor, they suffered severe material need. At the most difficult time for them, the mother receives a letter of money. The letter began like this: “Dear Mother. I don't know if I'm writing your address correctly. But tonight my seminary comrade, your late husband, came to me and said to me: “I ask you, help my widow and her children, they are in great need.” And he clearly pronounced your address. At that very moment I woke up and wrote down the address I heard. I’m sending money...” “This incident,” said the bishop, “was so engraved in my consciousness that throughout my entire life nothing could shake my faith in the afterlife. I had to hear a lot of heretical and godless opinions proving that there is no afterlife, but I knew from childhood that this was a lie.” The coming Sunday coincided with the day of my Angel, January 12th. Vladyka fulfilled his promise and visited the Danilovsky Monastery. I was waiting for him; he lingered, talking with one hierodeacon. Fr. passed by me. Seraphim congratulated me on Angel Day and said nothing more. The Bishop, passing by, invited me to his place. When I arrived, he did not immediately express his opinion. Apparently, he was afraid to upset me, but finally said that Fr. He didn’t like Seraphim; he seemed very proud. “I do not forbid you to use his guidance. I am in such conditions that I can guide you step by step, as Fr. Seraphim, I can’t, so use him, but I don’t want to give you to him at all. I reserve the right to recall you any time I need you.” Another time he said this: “His severity is incomprehensible to me, I believe that he does not understand the difference in natures, in organisms. He measures everyone by the same standard. He doesn’t understand that there are fragile organisms that can break under pressure.” “I now understand why you developed consumption - from unbearable experiences. Is it possible to break a person like that at once!” I told Fr. Seraphim only that Vladyka allows me to stay with him under his leadership, but he doesn’t give it completely, that is, he can recall me. Everything else is from Fr. Seraphim hid it. My soul was torn between two. I'll come to Fr. Seraphim, he seemed to be even more severe, he still accepted confession, but he answered questions very sparingly, and often I read in the margins: “I don’t know, ask the bishop.” Vladyka received me so kindly, so simply, that I was involuntarily drawn to him. He even once told me: “If the rules of Fr. Seraphim will be too much for you, do not fulfill them. I give you my bishop’s permission for this, but don’t tell him about it.” I felt internal discord. I got out of the rut I had entered into and got used to it in six months. Get away from Fr. I was scared of Seraphim. I understood that I couldn’t stay in Moscow for a long time. I'll have to leave. To write to the Bishop every day, as I wrote to Fr. Seraphim, I couldn't. Rare, short notes from the Bishop would not satisfy me after the one from Fr. Seraphim, I received an answer to almost every thought. But on the other hand, the severity of Fr. Seraphim was already more noticeable in comparison with the kindness and affection of the bishop. I was involuntarily drawn to affection, attention, pity. I was also unspeakably burdened by the fact that I was not frank with Fr. Seraphim as always. I was in this state for three weeks and finally decided to go to Fr. Alexia. I didn’t want to ask anyone for a blessing for the trip, because I felt some kind of bitterness in my soul from internal discord. I went to the Liturgy at the Danilovsky Monastery, and since I had an assignment to Fr. Seraphim from Sofia Mikhailovna, then after the service I went upstairs to the building where he lived. He sometimes received us upstairs in the kitchen. I silently handed him what I had sent and began to leave. O. Seraphim looked at me carefully. "What's wrong with you?" – he asked. I couldn't lie to him. “I’m going to Fr. Alexnyu now.” "For what?" “Because I’m exhausted,” I answered, “let Fr. Alexy will finally decide which of you should stay with me. Bless me." He didn’t answer, silently blessed me, and I left. Fr. Alexy at that time was already living in Sergiev Posad, in a small white house. Fr. lived and attended his cell with him. Macarius. I arrived to my father at dusk. Father Macarius left me for a long time in the hallway, in front of the priest’s room. A conversation could be heard outside the door. From the words that came to me, I understood that Fr. Macarius doesn’t want to let me in because I arrived too late. Father answered that he had a good rest during the day. Since Fr. Alexy listened to Fr. Macaria, I didn’t know what the decision would be. The lamp near the small icon above the door was burning. I stood and prayed that the Lord would instruct them to allow me to see the priest. Finally Fr. Macarius came out and said: “Well, go, but only for a short time, considering how late you arrived, is that really possible.” This time I cried a lot. My heart was too full. I told him everything. Father asked questions in detail about the leadership of Fr. Seraphim, was interested in his every instruction. The main thread running through them was the renunciation of one’s will, what the Bishop called withdrawal. I did not hide anything from the priest - both my divided state and attraction to the bishop’s affection, and about the external severity of Fr. Seraphim. “My opinion and blessing,” said Fr. Alexy, - you should stay with Fr. Seraphim. I see great benefit from his leadership. The benefit of Vladyka Nicholas is doubtful.” These were the literal words of the priest. As I was leaving, I asked how to tell Vladyka about this. “At the discretion of Fr. Seraphim,” he answered, “if he finds it necessary, he will send you to the ruler or otherwise inform you somehow.” I returned with relief. When I told everything about. Seraphim, he told me to go to Vladyka myself and tell him. It was very difficult for me to fulfill this, but I did it, softening a few words about Fr. Alexia. The Bishop listened in silence and, when I finished, he quickly said: “The elder is right, the elder is right.” Since then I have seen him very rarely, two or three times, no more. He soon left Moscow and died in April 1928. One of his spiritual daughters, who, like me, left him for Fr. Seraphim, told me that Vladyka spoke very warmly of me and was sorry that I left. “How he loves you,” she said, “like his own mother. He told you to tell you that if it’s hard for you, then come back to him, at any moment he will take you back.” I did not seek a return to the lord. I knew and felt his kind attitude towards me, purely maternal love, but I understood that he was too lenient and that this lenience was not useful to me. O. Seraphim stopped sending me to Vladyka Nicholas. I revealed to him everything that I had hidden until now, that is, about my painful split between him and the bishop. He listened to everything very seriously and said: “This concealment was the whole root of your torment. You have to open everything down to the smallest detail, then you will never experience such difficulties.” The promise given to me by Fr. dates back to this time. Seraphim, do not leave my children in the future. On his orders, I saw another doctor, who found my condition had not improved and expressed concern that fleeting consumption might begin. Impressed by his words, I wrote to Fr. I ask Seraphim not to leave children after my death. At that time, my issue with Bishop Nicholas had not yet been resolved, but for some reason I had a greater desire to ask Fr. Seraphim. He simply answered me: “I promise you this.” I have already written that partly during my two-month stay in Moscow I lived with Marusya Prozorovskaya. She was ten years older than me. Her character was hot and exalted. She talked a lot, expressed her innermost thoughts. She suffered from tuberculosis and considered herself on the verge of death. Once, during one of our nightly conversations, she told me that her dream was to receive tonsure before her death. This thought amazed me. Despite the fact that I had lived next to the monastery for several years, it never occurred to me that it was possible to receive tonsure outside the monastery. I didn’t even know what the meaning of tonsure was, I thought that gradualism was necessary: ​​first the ryassophore, then the mantle and finally the schema. From Marusya Prozorovskaya I learned that tonsure, like baptism, forgives all sins of worldly life; Having read the order of tonsure, I thought that it was valuable to take tonsure in one’s young years. “What’s the point of taking a vow of chastity in old age,” I thought. Old people will remain chaste even without a vow. No one will encroach on their chastity. What a sacrifice this is for God. When you’re young, you really sacrifice something, give up something for the sake of the Lord.” This thought really occupied me, but oh. I didn’t open it to Seraphim right away. Soon after this came Maslenitsa. On Wednesday, the first Lenten service was held at the Danilovsky Monastery. Under the impression of both conversations with Prozorovskaya and the doctor’s opinion that I might be in danger of fleeting consumption, I defended this service. It seemed to me that I would soon die, that I should not waste time, serve the Lord. After the service I go up to Fr. I say to Seraphim: “Father, I have a persistent thought that I need to take monastic vows.” He wasn’t even surprised, but only asked: “What about the children?” - “Children, they won’t interfere.” “I can’t resolve this issue myself,” he replied, “go to Fr. Alexy, what will he say? “I visited him so recently, he won’t accept me,” I said. You decide for yourself." “No, I can’t, this question is too serious. Go, if this is God’s will, then nothing will interfere. If he doesn’t accept it, it means there is no will of God. Just let o. Alexy himself will refuse admission, but if Fr. Macarius, then try to achieve.” The next day I went to Sergiev Posad. I arrive and am met with a stern and unyielding refusal from Fr. Macaria. “No, no, don’t ask, because just recently there was such a thing, and I won’t report to the old man, he has relatives from Moscow. Leave, leave." I left. Should this be considered an instruction from God? No, that's not about. Alexy refused. We must strive. It occurred to me to go to the governor of the Lavra, Fr. Kronida, whom we knew almost from childhood. He lived two miles from Sergiev Posad, in the Chernigov monastery. An hour later I was already sitting in the reception room. Kronida told him about her business. I didn’t tell all the details about myself, but only about the illness, the fear of death, the desire to take monastic vows and the fact that Fr. Seraphim wants to know about this decision of Fr. Alexia. O. Kronid took everything very seriously and sympathetically. He reassured me that the priest would certainly accept me, that he himself would go to intercede for me with Fr. Macarius and that I come to Fr. at five o'clock in the evening. Alexia. At exactly 5 o’clock I came to the door of my father’s house and sat down on the porch out of fear. I was afraid to knock. “I’ll wait until Fr. Kronid will come out,” I thought. I didn't sit for long. The door opened and I heard the grumbling voice of Fr. Macarius, but with a good-natured touch. “Look, you disobedient one, you went to the governor, no, in order to obey Macarius, you have to disturb the governor. Well, go, go, there’s no point in freezing here.” I went into the same hallway. I hear that Fr. Kronid and the priest are drinking tea and quietly talking about something. I didn't hear the words. O. Kronid came out and told me: “Go to the elder, he will tell you everything himself.” Father, as usual, was lying on his bed. A minute later Fr. came in. Macarius. “Put away the dishes,” said the priest, “and go to the owners, she will serve me if I need anything.” “Well, now we can talk calmly,” he said when I returned, closing Fr. Makariy door. At first he tried to dissuade me. He spoke about the difficulties of the monastic rule, about what is imposed on the tonsured person. That, living in the world, it will be very difficult for me not to break the monastic rule. At first I answered something, and then I fell silent and cried. I felt fear because I saw that the priest was talking about tonsure into the mantle, but I was thinking about the ryassophore. Then the priest began to talk about what a blessing it was to serve the Lord in my youth, praised my desire for this and again said that it would be difficult for me. “Well, father,” I said, “it means that this is not God’s will for me!” Then the priest decisively said: “Well, whatever the Lord decides. Give me that book over there,” and he pointed to a thin bound book lying on the lectern. I handed over the required book and stood silently, looking at him. Father quickly opened the book and began to read to himself. His face lit up unusually. He sat down on the bed and said: “Come to me, I will bless you to take monastic vows.” Having blessed, he added: “God grant you to be a good nun and a good mother. Don't leave the children." I asked Fr. Alexy about the monastic name, he replied: “That’s what Fr. Seraphim will give.” Afterwards, after talking to me for a while, he let me go. I caught the evening train. On the way, I wrote down all the priest’s words and upon arrival, I conveyed them to Fr. Seraphim. The next day Fr. Seraphim asked me about everything in detail, listened with interest, but did not say anything definite. In two days, Lent began. With permission from Fr. Seraphim, I stood throughout the service and fasted. And despite this, my health began to noticeably improve. I stopped coughing. The temperature has dropped. In the fourth week of Lent, I saw a doctor, who said that all the phenomena in my lungs had subsided and I could go home, but in order to continue the same regimen there, I promised, but did not tell him what “regime” I had for the last month. O. Seraphim, having learned about the doctor’s words, was very pleased and ordered me to leave. “What about tonsure?” – I asked, surprised. But he calmly said: “Oh. Alexy entrusted this matter to me, now I’m not going to give you tonsure. If I decide, I’ll write to you.” I was upset, but, as always, it was necessary to cut off my will. Especially now. I left with the usual blessing from Fr. Write Seraphim daily. This time he demanded it more insistently. Returning to Diveevo, I continued my interrupted life with my children; my father-in-law died in my absence. There was less fuss with the children; they had already recovered from all childhood illnesses and were completely healthy this year. Time passed unnoticed until summer. During this time I had only one embarrassment. Fr. came to us. Alexander Gumanovsky and, having learned that I was writing a revelation about. Seraphim, began to assure that for Fr. For Seraphim, this is not useful and therefore he would advise me to stop. I'm okay with revealing this about. I wrote to Seraphim, he replied that you don’t need to pay attention to what they say, but what about Fr. He will talk to Alexander about this. In June, on the very feast of the Vladimir Mother of God, one spiritual daughter, Fr. Seraphim, she brought me my notes, where it was written in the margins: “Come, I’ll tonsure the ladies.” I read these words late at night and could no longer fall asleep completely from excitement. Before this, a few days before, I had to visit a pulmonary doctor forty miles from Diveevo with a sick woman. The doctor, Speransky A.V., once treated my husband and inquired about my health. I must say that by the spring the results of my treatment in Moscow had disappeared almost to nothing. I coughed again and my temperature rose again. After listening to me, Speransky said: “Your process has gone down significantly, now not only the top of the lung is affected, but also under the scapula. You need to be treated again." But I no longer wanted to be treated. I surrendered myself to the will of God, because I saw that the treatment only helped for a short time. I had a great difficulty ahead of me. Get the monastic robe, but so that no one will guess that it is for me. At the beginning of July, I went to Sarov and there, on the way to the nearby desert, at the chapel with the icon of the Mother of God of Vladimir, I prayed for help in this matter. When I returned, I started getting clothes and received everything within a week. I dedicated the only person to this: Elena, the cell attendant of Blessed Mary. She helped me get everything, as if for herself. The blessed one was burying me at that time. She woke up at night and began singing funeral prayers for me. Everyone knew about it, and since I was sick, everyone was sure that I would soon die, and I thought so myself. But the Lord judged differently. O. Seraphim wrote to me that he was going on vacation, but would come by the first of August so that I would arrive on that day. This time, with difficulty, I asked my mother-in-law to give me time off. She didn’t want to let me go and let me go on the condition that I would return soon. I arrive in Moscow on the 3rd. I find out that Fr. Seraphim is missing and there is a rumor that he will not return until September. What to do? If not for the condition given by my mother-in-law, I would have waited patiently, but I had to return. I decided that I would leave, since by that time my fear of being tonsured had increased unusually. But still, I did not dare to act on my own and went to Fr. Alexia. He did not allow me to leave, but decided that I could appeal to Bishop Pachomius on his behalf. Having returned from the priest, I went to Bishop Pachomius, who said that with the blessing of the priest he did not refuse, and for now he ordered me to confess to him. I set a day. I really didn't want this. I barely overcame myself and went, but along the way I kept praying that the Lord would take me away from this. Bishop Pachomius turned out to be busy and refused me, and when I came to Danilovsky the next day, I found out that Fr. Seraphim has arrived. I confessed to him and told him that I had been with Fr. Alexy and that, due to his absence, he ordered to turn to Bishop Pachomius. Fr. Seraphim told me a few days later that since Fr. Alexy appointed me Bishop Pachomius, then let Bishop Pachomius give me tonsure. No matter how I begged, no matter how I proved that the conversation about Bishop Pachomius came up only because of the absence of Fr. Seraphim, the priest was relentless. I confessed to him every day, he talked to me a lot, but he had not yet set a day for tonsure. One evening I told him that I was so afraid of being tonsured that I was refusing it. “How can you refuse?” Fr. said angrily. Seraphim. You wanted, asked, received a blessing, and now you refuse? No, I got it and now bring it.” Then he added: “Tomorrow go to Bishop Pachomius and ask him to set a day.” All this was said so decisively, so sternly that I did not dare to disobey. It was August 20th. The Bishop appointed it on the 22nd in the morning before the Liturgy. The night before after the service, I approached Fr. Seraphim. He didn't confess to me that day, but he talked a little. I was amazed that he was soft and even affectionate that evening. Blessing me, he stood up and, looking thoughtfully at the icon of the Mother of God, said: “Do not be afraid, we will entrust you to the Queen of Heaven.” These words, spoken so sincerely, so warmly, remained in my memory for the rest of my life. The tonsure took place on the morning of August 22, 1925 in the old cathedral of the Danilovsky Monastery between the early and late Liturgy. In the church, in addition to Bishop Pachomius, Fr. Seraphim and I, there was no one else. Father Seraphim brought me over and covered me with his mantle, and Bishop Pachomius tonsured me and sang himself. There was something incredibly touching about all this. U o. I saw tears in Seraphim’s eyes. And my soul felt calm and good. After the tonsure, both blessed me, and the bishop spoke a word to me as a warning against delusion. Now, many years later, remembering and reliving that time, I see a deep meaning in everything. Then I wanted Fr. to tonsure me. Seraphim. Now I see a special meaning in the fact that he let me down. He seemed to lead a soul to God, which he guided and brought to the desire to devote himself to the Lord. I stayed in Moscow until September 11 and received communion every day. On the 13th I arrived in Diveevo for the all-night vigil for the Exaltation of the Cross of the Lord. I was in a wonderful mood. I was full of desire to serve God and raise children for Him alone. It seemed to me that this was quite compatible. I was given a rule. Living near a monastery with a new feeling, with new internal responsibilities that no one should know about, seemed like paradise to me. But before I had even spent two days doing this, I received a telegram from my sister Katya that my mother had had a stroke. Doctors believed that she would not live more than ten days. My sister quickly called me. I sent a telegram to Fr. Seraphim through Prozorovskaya, asking what I should do. He replied that I should go. I set off on a journey again. In Moscow I was from train to train, as I was in a hurry to get to Yelets. I found my mother in a very difficult situation. In addition to the hemorrhage that deprived her of the entire left side, there was also some kind of mental disorder. She felt an arm and a leg with a hoof. Before the blow, in a dream, she talked to some bastard, drove him away from her, and he replied: “I’ll leave, but not completely.” Every day she felt like she was dying. Severe pain in the entire affected side required daily narcotics. I spent time with her until October 8 and finally, despairing of any possibility of improvement, I began to persuade her to take monastic vows. It seemed to me that tonsure would remove all sins and she would immediately feel better. She knew nothing about my tonsure. To my surprise, she was not at all surprised by my words, but simply said: “I agree, I just need to get Fr.’s blessing. Alexia. Go to him and ask him.” I went to Moscow on the 9th. I come to Fr. Seraphim, I tell him everything. He told me that recently Fr. Alexy stopped accepting people, and if he does accept someone, he pretends that he doesn’t recognize them. There was a rumor that the priest had fallen into childhood. “But don’t be embarrassed,” Fr. taught me. Seraphim, - and tell him: “Father, don’t pretend, I have a very important matter.” This is exactly what happened. O. Alexy pretended that he was seeing me for the first time, but when I repeated Fr. Seraphim, the priest laughed and asked: “Who taught you to say so?” We talked with the priest for a long time and seriously. He asked about me, then about my mother. He said that he does not know at all how it works now and would like to entrust this matter to someone. But I couldn’t think of anyone. Finally settled on Fr. Seraphim. He told me to ask Fr. Seraphim to go with me to Yelets and let the priest decide on the spot whether my mother can be tonsured or not. “I transfer all my authority over the servant of God Anastasia to Fr. Seraphim,” said the priest. On this meeting, my father spoke very strictly about the need to follow the rule. He said: “A nun who does not follow the rule is not a nun, but a nun.” How often later did I remember Father’s words, reproaching myself. Returning to the Danilovsky Monastery, I received the consent of Fr. Seraphim went to see his mother immediately, but his superiors did not immediately allow him to go. Only on the 18th did he and I leave for Yelets. Mom was found in exactly the same position. The same dying, the same feeling of hooves and the same painkillers. On the very first day of his arrival, Fr. Seraphim confessed to her for three hours. Afterwards, my mother said that she had never confessed like that in her entire life. He gave her communion for three days in a row, administered unction, and finally on the 21st, on the feast of the Kazan Queen of Heaven, she tonsured her with the name Mitrophania, in honor of St. Mitrofan of Voronezh. After the feast of the Kazan Mother of God, on the feast of the Sorrowful Queen of Heaven, I went with Fr. Seraphim to Zadonsk, where he had never been. Having returned, he lived with us in Yelets for several more days and returned to Moscow alone. I stayed to take care of the patient. Immediately after her tonsure, all her mental phenomena disappeared. The feeling of the hooves passed, the dying passed, the pain passed, so the drugs were all stopped, but the paralysis remained. Mom lived another seven years and died quietly, her life for the last two or three years was righteous and she died with unusual light. This was the opinion of everyone who lived with her and cared for her. I lived in Yelets until Christmas, and on the eve of Christmas Eve I was already in Diveevo. O. Seraphim hurried me to the children for this holiday. During Christmas time I was with the children in Sarov. She fasted there and received communion with the Sarov confessor, Fr. Houri. I liked him very much, but I didn’t tell him anything about the tonsure. He was very simple, illiterate, and it seemed to me that he would not approve of tonsure outside the monastery, and I did not dare tell him. During the time that I was in Yelets, I saw all the Yelets doctors, and they unanimously found traces of a deep process under my shoulder blade, but completely healed. There was no doubt for me that this was healing after tonsure, since in June before tonsure the process, according to specialist Speransky, was in full swing. Since then, all the symptoms in my lungs have gone away. X-rays always show a focus of dense darkness (an old process) that reminds me of the obvious miracle upon me by the grace of God. At the end of January I was again called to Yelets, but when I got to Moscow, Fr. Seraphim told me that he had written to my people, whether they could do without me. He didn't want me to leave the children again. On the day of my arrival, he received an answer from my sister that I did not have to go. He asked me about where I was fasting, and, having learned that in Sarov, Fr. Guria blessed me to continue to fast with him, but, agreeing with me, he did not order me to talk about tonsure. I went home. Govela at Fr. Guria, and Fr. Seraphim continued to write as usual. At the end of February, I received a letter from him that he was transferring me to Fr. Guria and tells me to stop sending him daily confessions, and give it all to Fr. Guria. “I’m not handing you over at all, but just as the director entrusts affairs to an assistant, so I entrust you to Fr. G. From time to time I will control you, he wrote. What will Fr. tell you? G., then God tells you...” This was very unexpected and difficult for me. Talk about tonsure. Guria was not allowed, so it was difficult to confess. He had to write in large letters; my usual notes were not suitable for him. But there was nothing to do, I had to cut off my will. At the beginning of 1926, Alyosha fell ill with scarlet fever. He was taken to the monastery hospital along with me. Five days later I fell ill myself. They assigned a nurse to us because I was very sick. For ten days I was between life and death. The doctor considered my situation very difficult, but by the grace of God I remained alive. On the day when I felt especially bad, the mother abbess of the Diveyevo monastery sent out to tell the obediences that I was dying and whoever takes pity on the orphans should pray to the Mother of God 150 times at night. Almost the entire monastery responded to this request from mother. I found out about this only after. I am writing this down for the children, so that their memories of the Diveyevo sisters will be grateful. I began to recover quickly, but the peeling progressed slowly, so I was kept in the hospital for more than two months. Alyosha was released earlier. From Fr. Seraphim, during my illness, I received two letters. I answered him briefly, since I could not write myself, but dictated letters through Ekaterina Ivanovna Galaktionova, who came to my window every day. From her I learned all the external news. By the way, I learned that two bishops were coming to Diveevo to settle: Bishop. Philip and Bishop Seraphim (Zvezdinsky). Sitting in my involuntary confinement, I read a lot of spiritual books and endlessly wrote down all sorts of mental sins. A thick notebook has accumulated. I didn’t send it to O. Seraphim, since he was not in Moscow. He went on vacation for three months. O. It was also impossible to give it to Gury, since everything would have to be rewritten in large letters. I didn’t have enough energy or paper for this. So I hid this notebook, but, having become accustomed to getting permission for every thought, I felt how this hidden notebook weighed me down. I returned home on July 4th. On the same day, both bishops arrived in Diveevo, and a guest arrived at our house - the nephew of a certain prince, I don’t remember his last name. During my illness, good friends of Petya’s mother came with the prince to Diveevo and stayed with us. And the nephew, following in his uncle’s footsteps, came to us later. This young man paid special attention to me; After spending several days with us, he did not leave my side. I probably needed to go through this temptation. I didn’t like him himself, but his speeches were very tempting. In the evenings, we sat with him almost until the morning, and he always began intimate conversations, during which he strenuously called me back to the capital, convinced me not to bury myself in the provinces, etc. Unfortunately, his words fell on fertile soil. I accepted the thought that I had too hastily decided to take a step that cut me off from the world, that he was right: for the sake of the children, I should move to the capital and live differently. I was overcome with longing for the world, on the one hand, and on the other hand, horror that I was mentally breaking my vows. Out of habit, writing down revelations in the evenings, I thought that I had no one to confess them to: Fr. Gury knew nothing about my monasticism, Fr. Seraphim was not in Moscow. My tempter left us for Sarov, and a day later I went there too. Subconsciously, I had a desire to see him again and listen to his speeches once again. I cannot hide this, since my condition influenced the change in my life. Confession from Fr. Guria did not give anything this time, until now I had not yet had any experiences associated with tonsure and vows, so I talked about. Guria still received relief, but this time the temptation was associated with a mental violation of the vows. Without this, there was no particular sin in my desire to leave, even if I wanted to get married - this could not be considered a grave sin for a worldly, secular woman, which Fr. considered me to be. Gury. He answered me that my desire to leave was quite understandable at my age. I don’t blame him, because he didn’t know about my monasticism - what else could he say? I returned from Sarov without relief, with a thirst for detailed revelation. But who should I go to? I was handed over to Fr. Guria. Without his permission, I had no right to go to confession to anyone. But under what pretext should Fr. ask permission for this? Houri? My health helped me in this case. Scarlet fever caused complications in my heart and my legs became swollen. Referring to this, I wrote about. Guria, a request to allow me to confess to one of the newly arrived bishops. I called Vladyka Philip myself, since he knew my mother-in-law, knew my late husband and had already visited us several times. It seemed to me that he was more accessible to me. Anna Grigorievna carried my letter to Sarov. She brought me the answer on the eve of the Feast of the Tenderness of the Mother of God, July 27. O. Gury did not immediately respond to my letter, he read it, and told her to come for an answer before she left Sarov. When she arrived, he said: “Tell her: God will bless her to Vladyka Seraphim.” Answer o. I really didn't like Guria. During this time there were already several bishop services in Diveyevo, and Bishop Seraphim did not make any impression on me. I didn’t know him well, I heard that he came with two spiritual daughters. I imagined it would be difficult to get through to him, since I was told that he did not receive anyone. I liked Vladyka Philip more and more. On the day of Anna Grigorievna’s return from Sarov, Fr. Alexander Gumanovsky. During the all-night vigil, looking at Bishop Seraphim serving, I became more and more reluctant to go to him and the idea came to test the will of God again, to ask Fr. Alexander Gumanovsky. “He knows well about. Seraphim, he will tell me whether I will offend him by going to Bishop Seraphim,” I thought. I had a secret hope that Fr. Alexander would dissuade me, I knew that he was already on good terms with Fr. Seraphim, and he himself told me that he takes back his words regarding my revelation about. Seraphim. I even had a thought: I’d rather not go to anyone, but not to this bishop. There was also a subconscious feeling that if I went to him, then I would have to tell him everything. This is not about. Gury, to whom you can open your soul halfway. Meanwhile, judging by Vladyka’s appearance, my soul was not drawn to him. I did as I wanted. I asked about. Alexandra. He answered me without hesitation that, in his opinion, Fr. Seraphim will not only not be offended, but will be very happy. “You will greatly benefit from communicating with the Bishop. After all, this is an exceptional person. I will help you with this. Write a letter to the Bishop, ask him to accept you, and I will give the letter and ask for it on my part.” Words about. Alexandra stopped my hesitation. I wrote a letter, which he gave to the Bishop on July 30. The Bishop was not particularly willing and only under the influence of Fr. Alexandra agreed and scheduled me to come to him on Monday, August 3 at one o’clock in the afternoon. 31st o. Alexander was leaving us and asked me to accompany him to the holy places of Diveevo, and also to take him to the monastery hospital, where he promised to visit. On the way, we saw Bishop Seraphim from a distance. He walked near the graves of the Diveyevo blessed. “Come up to him,” I asked, “introduce me to him, it will be easier for me to go to him on Monday.” “On the way back,” he replied, “he will leave.” “If he doesn’t leave, I’ll cross him,” and with these words Fr. From afar, Alexander made the sign of the cross over the bishop: “Holy Bishop, take a walk here until we return.” We walked back about two hours later, because Fr. Alexander was very late in the hospital; Vladyka was walking in the same place. “You see, I told you,” Fr. triumphed. Alexander. We approached, and he introduced me to the bishop. He blessed me and looked at me silently. “Vladyka,” I said, “you told me to come on Monday at one o’clock, but couldn’t it be at 11 o’clock in the morning? We have lunch at one o’clock.” “It’s possible,” he replied, “at 11 o’clock.” He looked at me intently, as if he was reading something in my soul. When we walked away, I thought: “Yes, if I go to him, then I have to say everything or nothing.” At that moment, something sank in my heart and I remembered Fr. Seraphim. “Do I have the right to do this?” – I thought. “What will Fr. tell you? Gury, God is telling you this,” I remembered the priest’s words in the letter. With this I calmed myself down. O. Alexander left on the same day. My children and I went to see him off far into the field. He asked me, without hesitation, to go to Vladyka. “You can’t imagine how much benefit you will get from it. You will be grateful to me,” he said. “I don’t think so,” I answered sadly, but I thought to myself: “Lord, if only there was hope for a quick return of Fr. Seraphim, I wouldn’t go to anyone.” Shortly before this, I received from Fr. Seraphim does not know the letter from Kyiv, where he wrote that he was ill and was delayed, when he would return. “And I am sure that you will be very grateful,” said Fr. Alexander. He left, and for two days I was tormented by internal discord. Countless times I changed my mind, then I decided to go, then I firmly decided that I would not go. On Sunday I was at mass, saw the bishop from afar, but did not approach him. On Monday, I was tormented by thoughts throughout the Liturgy. During the Eucharistic canon, I prayed for admonition from above and, unexpectedly for myself, prayed like this: “Queen of Heaven, You see my torment, You see that I have no one to ask now. Therefore, I pray to You, show me Yourself. After mass I will wait for the bishop; if he changes the day or at least the hour appointed for me, then this will be a sign for me that I do not need to go to him. If he doesn’t change, then You want me to go to him and tell him everything.” This prayer immediately calmed me down, and after the Liturgy I remained to wait for the bishop to come out. He did not serve on this day, but prayed at the altar. Soon the church was empty, the services were all over, the churchwomen managed to sweep and tidy the cathedral, but the bishop still did not come out. I waited, but began to worry. It was already about ten o’clock, by 11 o’clock I had to go to Vladyka, and before that I had to return home to the children, feed them, and let them go for a walk. “Why am I waiting? – I thought. In an hour, I will still be with him and find out whether he canceled my appointment or not, then I will find out the will of God.” “No, wait,” an inner voice told me, “you said you’ll wait here.” Several times I approached the exit door with the desire to leave, but again I returned to the side doors through which the bishop always exited. Finally he came out, blessed two churchwomen who approached him, then with a smile he came up to me and said: “Are you thinking?” “No, sir,” I answered, “and you?” “No, I haven’t changed my mind, I’m waiting for you at 11 o’clock, exactly at 11 o’clock,” he emphasized. "What is this? – flashed through my head. Did he really know my thoughts? At 11 o'clock I was with him. He greeted me seriously, even somewhat sternly, and from the very first words began to dissuade me from confessing to him. He was sitting in a chair at the table, and I stood next to him. “I’m a random person here,” he said, “I can’t leave today or tomorrow. What will be the point for you in contacting me?” He spoke for a long time, finally I said: “Well, sir, order me to leave, then I will leave.” He quickly got up from his chair: “I will not cast out the one who comes to me,” he said with force, “begin confession.” I confessed completely. I told him everything that had accumulated in my soul, all my internal struggle of late, with longing for the world (I told him about monasticism right away), why I felt the need for a full confession, about my attitude towards Fr. Seraphim and to Father Guria. She also told me about her internal disagreement about whether to go to him or not. When I told him about my morning appeal to the Queen of Heaven with a prayer to show me whether I should go to him, Vladyka interrupted me with the words: “And I will reveal my thoughts to you. I didn't want to accept you. Today, after receiving communion, I thought about you and also asked for God’s instructions and decided this: if you wait for me in church after the Liturgy, then I will accept you, I will accept you without looking back, but if you don’t wait, but just come to me at 11 o’clock, then I will refuse you.” And he also said: “I immediately understood when I first saw you with Fr. Alexander, that you are a nun, and if you had kept it from me, I would have asked during the prayer of permission what your monastic name is.” “How did you know this?” – I asked. He smiled and said nothing. Afterwards he often told me: “Today you came up to receive communion wearing a hat, a huge hat with a feather, I didn’t want to give you communion.” Another time he said: “Today you came up in a robe, I was happy for you.” The next day, August 4, he served in the church at the Diveyevo cemetery and I took communion with him. For a long time I experienced internal division. At first it seemed to me that I had changed Fr. Seraphim that I did the wrong thing; I revealed these thoughts to the bishop, and he assured me that from Fr. He doesn’t take me away from Seraphim: “The time will come,” he said, “I will put you in a boat, put two oars in your hands and send you to Fr. Seraphim." I wrote to O. Seraphim about everything, and when he returned from Kyiv, my letter was given to him. At the end of August, I received a letter from him: “I am very glad for you,” he wrote, “that you ended up with Bishop Seraphim. This is a big win for you. Lord, the great old man of revelation. Be honest with him about everything. I bow to the Lord and ask for you.” This letter completely calmed me down, and I began to go to Vladyka without any embarrassment. The more often I visited him, the more I heard living words from him, the more attached I became to him. In the end, I felt that he became higher than Fr. Seraphim. But just as when there was dual power over me, Fr. Seraphim and Vladyka Nicholas, I was tormented, and now I was tormented by the consciousness of dual power over me. Contrary to the advice of the bishop, who said that time will show everything, that there is no need to dot the i’s, I wrote a letter to my spiritual daughter, Fr. Serafima, Sofya Mikhailovna. In it I wrote that I was very happy with what I had in the person of Vladyka, and I didn’t want anything better, and I myself would not walk away from this happiness. I don’t know if she showed this letter to Fr. Seraphim. Somehow at the same time I received a letter from his other spiritual daughter, Elena. She wrote to me that the rumor about my leaving Fr. Serafima penetrated Danilovsky and that, in her opinion, on Fr. This made a grave impression on Seraphim. But I continued to be silent and said nothing to myself. I didn’t write to Seraphim. I left silently and no longer felt remorse. My notes are not a revelation of thoughts, I simply record how my life went spiritually. That’s why I don’t want to analyze my thoughts and feelings as they were at that time. I still think that everything that happened to me was not without the Providence of God. That's right, it was necessary. Vladyka was in Diveevo for exactly a year and two months. He allowed me to attend his home service every other day in the evening. Until November 8, he went to church for the Liturgy, and from November 8 he was given a separate church, where he served the Liturgy almost in solitude every day. Until February I was not allowed to go there, and from February 1927 until the day of his departure from Diveevo - September 8 of the same year - I went to his Liturgy every day. By seven o'clock in the morning his service was already over. When I came home, the children were still sleeping. It was very convenient for me. With his blessing, I received communion once a week. I confessed to him the day before. After the evening service at his place, he left me almost every time, and sometimes during the day he allowed me to come and then talked to me longer. From the time I began to attend his Liturgy, he received me less often. “The Liturgy of the Elder,” he said, “is an ocean of God’s mercy. Everything can be begged from the Lord during this Liturgy.” After each Liturgy, he said a small word. I wrote them down in great detail, but, unfortunately, my notebooks were burned. All that was left was a notebook of what he told me in confession. I leave this notebook along with the notes, God willing, to Alyosha. Alyosha turned seven years old in September 1926. His first confession was with the bishop. Together with Alyosha and Seraphim, he agreed to confess. On Alyosha’s Angel Day, October 5, Alyosha’s first confession took place. Vladyka gave him a book of the life of St. Alexy with the inscription: “To my youngest spiritual son on the day of his first confession. Always be small for evil, grow big for good.” From Diveevo, Vladyka moved to the city of Melenki along the Kazan railway. I visited him there several times in the period 1927–1930. The last time I visited him was September 26, 1930. Since then I haven’t seen him, but I corresponded with him. For all three years, although I didn’t go to see him very often, I wrote daily revelations and sent them to him with incidents that happened besides my trips. He had his children with me twice. On December 13, 1930, I left Diveevo and settled in the city of Murom. From there I still had the opportunity to correspond with the bishop and send him confessions, but I no longer had the opportunity to see him myself. Once Seraphim went to him from there with my instructions. Vladyka Seraphim was the son of a fellow religious priest, Fr. John. His mother died when he was very young. His father raised him very strictly and in reverence for the church. He was especially awed by the Divine Liturgy and the reception of the Holy Mysteries. At the age of twenty-eight he was very ill and received healing from the image of the then unglorified Venerable Seraphim of Sarov. Soon he entered the monastery. It seems that at the age of 27 he received tonsure, on September 27 (coinciding with Alyosha’s birthday). In 1921 he received a bishopric and an appointment to Dmitrov. From Dmitrov he was exiled to the Zyryansky region, from there to the Anosovsky convent, where he stayed for a year, and in 1926 to Diveevo. The bishop had a special relationship with the Liturgy. Serving the Liturgy was for him the main work of his whole life. He wrote me an inscription on the akathist of his composition (Thanksgiving for the Reception of the Holy Mysteries). There were the words “For the Divine Liturgy, the sun shines, and the moon and stars send their quiet light, and the earth gives its fruit - let the Holy Lamb be on the throne. The whole meaning of this earthly life is nothing other than constant preparation of oneself for the reception of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, prayerful feat, abstinence, and sincere repentance. In such preparation for the Holy Mysteries and in the very communion of the Holy Life-giving Mysteries of Christ lies the whole meaning of a Christian’s life. A Christian should receive communion as often as possible.” This was the basis of his guidance: “Every minute of your life, remember that you are preparing to receive the Holy Mysteries. Whatever you do, do it with the thought that you will soon receive communion. You have to feel like a black cloud in order to be illuminated by the lightning of Holy Communion.” Vladyka placed monasticism very highly. “These are holy haystacks, watered with the sweat, blood and tears of the saints,” he said. He was not against monasticism in the world. On the contrary, he strengthened, supported, and aroused jealousy and desire to serve God in every possible way. “Isn’t it true,” he told me, “you and I will gladly give our lives for our monasticism.” He spoke about eldership as a special gift of God. Not every spiritual father is an elder for his children. It happens that a spiritual father has many spiritual children, but he is an elder for one or two. It is given by God. “I don’t know how to explain why this is so,” said the bishop. “You want to know this secret,” he told me, “you walk around and around old age, but have not yet penetrated into this secret.” “When you receive the elder, you will always feel him near you.” Another time he told me: “You will know eldership when your cross enters the framework of patience and humility.” He taught that whoever sincerely surrenders himself to obedience to his spiritual father considers his every word to be the word of God. “The spiritual father does not do or say anything towards such a child without the inspiration of God.” Bishop Theophan has something similar in “The Path to Salvation”: “The leader always gives precise and faithful guidance, as soon as the person being led surrenders to him with all his soul and faith, the Lord Himself watches over such a devotee.” The Bishop said that in a true relationship with the father there can be no envy, no jealousy, no resentment, since everything is accepted as from the hand of the Lord. If there is anything like that, then there is no real relationship. He said that the more open a spiritual child is with his father, the deeper his wounds open, the closer he brings his spiritual father. Like a mother, for whom the most unfortunate, wretched child is more valuable than healthy ones. “Never be ashamed to reveal your sins,” he said, “the more mercilessly you expose yourself, the greater the relief will be.” Several times during the four years that I was under the guidance of the bishop, he told me that it was not he who would be responsible for me before God, but Fr. Seraphim. I didn’t attach any importance to these words of his. I so carefully wrote down almost every word he said, but I deliberately did not write these words, thinking that he was joking. The penultimate time when I was with him in Melenki, he, looking at me thoughtfully, said: “You will leave me... you will go to the third Seraphim and with him you will be saved.” I didn’t understand then what he wanted to say, but I didn’t want to ask again. Then it hurt me at the thought of leaving him. He loved to speak in images, solemnly, often mystically, mysteriously. Sometimes unusually strong, sometimes fatherly, affectionately. Sometimes he denounced and said: “I am shining a spotlight on you so that you can see what you should be and what you are.” Sometimes he amazed me with the question: “What were you doing at such and such an hour, I heard this and that,” and that’s exactly what happened. One day I forgot to tell him one sin, he asked me for a long time to think, to remember if there was anything else, then he stood up, covered my head with an omophorion and said: “Well, repeat after me, God forgive me for...” - and named my sin with all the details. “I was told to tell you...” he often said, and these words made you feel creepy. Once he came out of the altar after the Liturgy and, approaching me, said: “I was told to tell you how she, who receives communion weekly, does not find within herself the Divine Dew in order to wet the gunpowder, but, on the contrary, sets it on fire like a match. I will exact both from the gunpowder and from the match, but from the match more” (this was said about the relationship with Petya’s mother). Another time he came out of the altar with a radiant face and, coming up to me, said: “Rejoice, Taisiya, rejoice, sing Christ is Risen, I heard a voice about you, that you will be saved!” He always told me that since the Lord, having allowed my tonsure, left my children with me, it means that my main business is raising them. “You have been given two baskets, fill them with flowers of love for God, faith, Christian education,” he said. One day I came to Vladyka in the morning with both children. He silently took Alyosha by the hand and led him to his prayer room, placed him in front of the icons and began to dress him in full monastic robes. He gave a cross and a lit candle into his hands. He did all this with an unusually solemn air, observing complete silence. Alyosha, a seven-year-old child at the time, stood very still. Only Seraphim and I were present. It seemed to the children that the bishop was joking with them, Seraphim asked him: “And me.” The Bishop replied: “But you are not.” I felt in all this, of course, not a joke, but a deep prediction. There were tears in my eyes that I could not hide. Another time, the bishop ordered Alyosha to bring him scissors and cut off his hair three times, then leaned down and said in his ear: “And you will have a name... just don’t tell anyone, not even your mother.” Alyosha later admitted to me that he had not heard. During confession, Vladyka told me, explaining Blessed Mary’s prediction about Alyosha that he would die on Easter: “Don’t you understand what this means... Alyosha will be a monk...”, then he added one more phrase, but I cannot say it. He wrote to me: “Keep an eye on the children, watch them strictly, you will give an answer for them, especially for the youngest.” He told me a lot more, and almost all of his words have already come true. I am firmly convinced that what he predicted about Alyosha will come true. Therefore, I ask him not to make it difficult to fulfill God’s will for himself. Do not tear off the hand of God, who chose him to serve Himself. Vladyka sometimes did not answer important questions immediately. He will be silent, and then answer, and this time decisively, as if he had received an internal instruction. This determination had a very calming effect on the soul. I saw a lot of love and care from him. He said: “You came to me with a heart, and I give you pieces of my heart with blood.” Once in Melenki I was with the bishop, and he told me: “You know, I saw you. I see that I am approaching the gates of the Kingdom of Heaven. At the entrance there is an express train, a mail train, cars, trotters and among them an old white nag harnessed to a taratayka. I was amazed, I went further, I entered and what did I see? You, you sit and lick your lips - apparently you’re already full. “Hello, lord,” you say to me. And I told you: “How did you get here?” And you answer: “And you saw that there was an old white nag standing in a cab at the gate, so I came on it.” Afterwards I asked the Bishop: “Vladika, you often give me hope that I will be saved. How will this happen, since I sin so much all the time? Am I really going to change? He did not answer immediately, but was silent for a long time, looking at me. Then he said: “You will be saved by repentance... You will sin until your death... but repentance will save you.” Another time in Melenki, after the service, in full vestments, he told me (with his right hand on his heart): “I give you my word that before your death you will receive communion every day. I asked the Lord for this for you. Trust me, it will happen. I don't know how or where it will be, but it will be. You see, I am saying this to you, dressed in full bishop’s vestments after the Liturgy. As a guarantee that I am telling you the truth, here is a twig for you,” and he brought me a green twig from the altar. (I saved this twig; it lies dried in the notebook where I wrote down the words of the Bishop.) He commanded me to pray for material needs to the holy prophet Elijah. “Pray simply and ask for what you need. Prophet Elijah will give you everything you need.” I haven’t seen him since September 27, 1930. In January 1931, in Murom, I received a letter from him, where he wrote to me: “I prayed for you: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, send to my child, nun Taisia, an elder after her own heart. Hey, hey, wake him up." And in the margins it was written: “The merciful Lord will send you an old man after your heart, who will explain everything to you.”