Е. И. Мотовилова

From memories of her husband Nikolai Alexandrovich After I married Nikolai Alexandrovich, despite my young years, I had to very soon take up the management of the farm and estates. Although Nikolai Alexandrovich himself did not stop doing all this, but, noticing my ability to manage the affairs of the estate, he hastened to transfer all these concerns to me in order to more freely engage in what he was constantly drawn to: Nikolai Alexandrovich, being a secular and family man, led a spiritual life. For a long time I did not understand this direction of my husband, and on this basis we sometimes had misunderstandings. Nikolai Alexandrovich, wherever he was and whatever he was doing, had a thought “immersed in God,” he was all burning with love for God, for the Mother of God and for His saints. He often went to holy places and had great acquaintance with the ascetics of that time, of whom there were many. It happened that I accompanied him on these visits to holy places. We visited Archbishop Anthony in Voronezh (this, in the words of St. Seraphim, the great bishop of God); he had a great gift of insight and great spiritual love for my husband. Once, upon arrival in Voronezh, for some reason, I decided to postpone communion of the Holy Mysteries, especially since we had to leave soon, but Nikolai Alexandrovich asked me to go with him to the Eminence to ask him about this. Before we had time to go up to him, he, having blessed us, turning to me, said to my thought: “During the journey, mother, in no way and for any reason do not stop approaching the Holy Mysteries: I find in what happened to you the action of the enemy of our salvation.” We often visited Zadonsk, where my husband’s spiritual friend, Father Zosima, was the archimandrite. The first time I saw him was upon arrival in Zadonsk, in church. I see a fairly young monk come in and make many prostrations in front of the holy icons, and I thought: “What a young monk he is, and what feats he already has.” At the end of the service, Nikolai Alexandrovich went with me to tea with Father Archimandrite, and I was very surprised to recognize him as the monk whom I had seen in the church. Over tea, turning to me, Father Zosima suddenly says: “Here, mother, others think that I am still young, and a great ascetic, but this is all wrong, and I will soon be fifty years old.” We visited the famous ascetic Parthenius of Kyiv, we knew Ignatius Brianchaninov, Feofan, Bishop of Tambov, later the recluse of Vyshensky, and many, many people Nikolai Alexandrovich knew and visited. But Nikolai Alexandrovich made most of these trips alone: ​​the household and family kept me at home. It happened that Nikolai Alexandrovich stayed for a very long time, and I began to worry about his absence. Once, I remember, I had no news about him from Voronezh for a whole month. In great sadness, I went to a monastery where there was a recluse named Margarita, in order to have spiritual support and consolation from her. I entered her cell and suddenly, from behind the partition where she constantly stayed, I heard her shouting to me: “Don’t mourn, don’t mourn! Today your husband will be at home.” Indeed, in the evening Nikolai Alexandrovich returned home. There were great servants of God and great bishops at that time! There was Bishop Eugene in Simbirsk, fires often happened in the city, and the residents were very worried, fearing a big fire, since the buildings were wooden. Bishop Eugene said: “Don’t worry, there won’t be a big fire while I’m alive, but when I die, there will be a big fire.” When he died, they began to ring the bell as usual, and on the other side of the city they began to sound the alarm - a fire occurred that greatly devastated the city. But no matter where I’ve been, I’ve never seen anything better than Sarov! Blessed, God-saved Sarov! In the greatness of their exploits, his ascetics became like the ancient Desert Fathers! And Nikolai Alexandrovich, wherever he went, wherever he was, everything constantly attracted him to Sarov and Diveev. In winter, when he was in Diveevo without a hat, he, according to the commandment of Father Seraphim, walked around the ditch every day and sang loudly: “Oh, All-Singing Mother!” According to the commandment of Father Seraphim, he loved to put many candles in churches near holy icons and did not spare any expense on this. We often had all-night vigils in our house, and Nikolai Alexandrovich himself read the Six Psalms, while streams of tears flowed from his eyes, and his whole mind was “grief.” It happened one day that our son-in-law, Prince N, was present, and at the end of the service he began to express his surprise at this. The next day he and Nikolai Alexandrovich went to inspect the estate. Nikolai Alexandrovich rode with a coachman in one carriage drawn by three, and our son-in-law rode in another and rode behind. The road ran along a high bank near the river. Suddenly Nikolai Alexandrovich’s horses got scared of something, rushed and flew straight off the cliff with their crew into the water; in one minute Nikolai Alexandrovich threw off his hat and, turning his gaze to the sky, loudly began the 90th psalm “Alive in the help of the Most High.” Having flown from the cliff to the edge of the river, the horses plunged into the water and, as if held by some force, stopped and remained in a standing position, and neither Nikolai Alexandrovich nor the coachman received any damage. Upon our return, our son-in-law said that “the power of Nikolai Alexandrovich’s prayer was truly great and that an obvious miracle happened, since there could be no salvation due to the steepness of the coast.” Yes, Nikolai Alexandrovich was firm and strong as a stone in faith; he can be called a confessor of faith. Always moving in the highest spiritual and secular circles, Nikolai Alexandrovich often denounced the mood that had already begun then in the desire for various reforms in our Orthodox Church. In these cases, both in writing and orally, he defended the integrity, sanctity and inviolability of these rules. Once in a crowded meeting there was a conversation on this matter, and Nikolai Alexandrovich expressed the harsh truth; I imperceptibly began to tug at him, wanting to stop the excessive fervor of his speech. “Why are you pulling me,” he exclaimed, “I’m telling them the truth, and not from myself, I cannot remain silent, for I hear a voice saying to me: “You dumb one, why are you silent? You have come to know the words of My eternal life, and through them your neighbor who is in error can be saved.” So I am afraid of him who accuses me, who said: “You wicked and lazy slave! Why did I not give away My silver as a laborer? So, mother, where the Spirit of God visits a person, speak there.” Nikolai Alexandrovich had a special love for the Mother of God; he often read paraclises to her, repeating them many times. Once, at a big dinner, someone, knowing this, allowed himself to say something about the Mother of God. Then, without being embarrassed by those present at the dinner, Nikolai Alexandrovich began to literally smash the joker, telling him such a truth that everyone who was at the dinner sided with Nikolai Alexandrovich, and the joker was left to leave the meeting in disgrace. Nikolai Alexandrovich's love for his neighbor was great, he wanted everyone to be saved; Our peasants often came to him on business, and, leaving business aside, he tried to explain spiritual matters to them, and it is true that our peasants were distinguished by their rare religiosity. Nikolai Alexandrovich told me that Father Seraphim told him “that everything that is called “Decembrists”, “reformers” and, in a word, belongs to the “life-improving party”, is true anti-Christianity, which, as it develops, will lead to the destruction of Christianity on earth, and partly Orthodoxy, and will end with the reign of the Antichrist over all countries of the world, except Russia, which will merge into one with the other Slavic lands and constitute a huge ocean of people, before which the other tribes of the earth will be in fear. And this, he said, is as true as two and two are four. So, I repeat, out of ignorance, I told Nikolai Alexandrovich that he should, if he wanted to lead such a lifestyle, go to a monastery, and not be a family man. To this he answered me as follows: “Father Seraphim told me that monasteries are a place for the highest spiritual perfection, that is, for those people who want to fulfill the commandment: “If you want to be perfect, leave everything and follow Me.” But fulfilling all the other commandments spoken by the Lord is, however, an obligation for all Christians, so, in other words, the passage of spiritual life is obligatory for both a monk and a simple family Christian. The difference is in the degree of improvement, which may be large or small. And we can,” Father Seraphim added, “go through the spiritual life, but we ourselves don’t want to!” Spiritual life is the acquisition by a Christian of the Holy Spirit of God, and it begins only from the time when the Lord God the Holy Spirit, albeit briefly, begins to visit a person. Until this time, a Christian (whether a monk or a lay person) leads a general Christian life, but not a spiritual one; There are few people who lead a spiritual life. Although the Gospel says, says Father Seraphim, “that God and Mammon cannot work” and “it is difficult for one who has wealth to enter the Kingdom of Heaven,” the Lord revealed to me that through the fall of Adam man became completely darkened and became one-sided in spiritual reasoning, for the Gospel also says that what is impossible for man is possible for God; Therefore, God is strong, He will enlighten a person, how without spiritual destruction, being in the conditions of secular life, a person can serve in spirit: God. “My yoke is easy and My burden is light,” but it is often blocked with such burdens (out of excessive fear of serving mammon) that, having taken the keys of spiritual understanding, it turns out that they themselves do not enter, and they prevent others from entering. So, after his fall from extreme sinful blindness, man became one-sided. Many saints, Father Seraphim said, left us their writings, and in them they all talk about the same thing: about acquiring the Holy Spirit of God through various exploits, through the practice of various virtues, but mainly through unceasing prayer. And truly, there is nothing in the world more precious than Him. Reading their writings serves to learn what exactly one should achieve. Often the Lord leaves our requests and even those called spiritual without fulfillment, and all because they live according to the flesh and not according to the Spirit: “But those who live according to the flesh cannot please God,” says the holy Apostle. But those who are led by the Spirit are the sons of God!” The Lord cannot refuse these last ones their requests. True, Nikolai Alexandrovich always had a prayer raised to God in his mind and heart, and very often at the same time he began to receive the Holy Mysteries of God. In addition, Father Seraphim showed and explained to him what the presence of the Holy Spirit of God is and how to understand His manifestations. Having reached old age, Nikolai Alexandrovich, according to the prediction of Father Seraphim, painlessly and extremely quietly went to the Lord. Some time after his death, I received letters from Abbot Zosima from Zadonsk and from nun Euphrosyne from Kiev, who simultaneously informed me that on the day of his death Nikolai Alexandrovich appeared to them and asked them not to leave me, his wife, with spiritual support. At the request of Nikolai Alexandrovich, his body was sent from the Simbirsk estate for burial in Diveyevo. Assuming that Nikolai Alexandrovich’s body would be transported quite quietly, I ordered it to be sent three hours before our departure, and amazingly! When we went after him, we couldn’t catch up with him all the way to Diveyevo. We arrive at the station, they say that they have just left, we begin to urge the horses, but we cannot catch up. So Nikolai Alexandrovich, even dead, hurried to Diveev, as during his life he had always and constantly been there. A large slab was laid on the grave of Nikolai Alexandrovich; It is unknown how tall birch trees grew through it in several places. These are the heavenly candles that he lit for God during his lifetime. The text of “Memoirs of E. I. Motovilova about her husband Nikolai Alexandrovich” is published in: Soulful Reading. 1912, no. 7–8.