БРАК

It is necessary to call on the priests to establish unanimity in cohabitation with prayers and blessings, so that the love of the groom is strengthened, and the chastity of the bride is strengthened, so that everything contributes to the establishment of virtue in their home, and the devil’s machinations are destroyed, and the spouses spend their lives in joy, united by the help of God (1). Do you see with what decorum marriages were performed in ancient times? Listen, you who are addicted to satanic amusements and who from the very beginning have disgraced the honesty of marriage: were there pipes then, were there cymbals, were there demonic dances? Tell me: why do you immediately bring such disgrace into the house and call together actors and dancers? To insult the chastity of a girl with this untimely luxury and make the boy more shameless? And without such inflammations, it is difficult for this age to calmly withstand the storm of passions. And when such objects, through sight and hearing, increase the fire even more and produce an even greater flame in the crucible of passions, how can the youthful soul not drown? This is why there is such damage and corruption in everything, that when entering into cohabitation, chastity is undermined from the very beginning; and often from the very first day the young man, looking [at the girl] with intemperate eyes, is already wounded in his soul by Satan’s arrow, and the girl through hearing and sight becomes a captive [of passion]. And from the same day, the wounds, increasing more and more, produce evil. And, firstly, the unanimity between the spouses is undermined and their mutual love becomes impoverished. When a husband turns his heart to another, then, being divided in his soul and already controlled by the devil himself, he fills his home with all kinds of sorrow. And if the wife is carried away by a similar passion, then everything, so to speak, is turned upside down: hiding each other from each other, one suspects the wife, the other suspects the husband; where there should have been agreement and unity, people who should be one flesh - “they will be,” it is said, “two in one flesh” (Matthew 19:5) - reach such a separation from each other, as if they were already completely divorced. The devil who has come to them causes such destruction in them that every day they have war and battles and never have peace from troubles. And what can we say about the contempt for them from the outside? servants, about ridicule from neighbors, about obvious shame? Just as if the helmsmen are at enmity with each other, then those sailing on the ship are exposed to danger, and the ship itself along with the people must sink, so here too, if a husband and wife are at enmity with each other, then, naturally, all the household are in distress. Therefore, I beg you: in anticipation of all this, do not follow accepted customs. I know that many, citing these customs, do not want to listen to our words; despite the fact that we are obliged to say what is useful and what can save us from future punishments. Where is there such great harm to the soul, why are you pointing out this custom to me? So I offer you a much better custom, observed in ancient times, when people did not yet have such concepts [as they do now] about piety. Do not think, however, that I am talking here about the righteous Jacob - no, but imagine that Laban, a man still devoted to idolatry, who had no concept of piety, discovered such wisdom in himself. Such a good thing [St. Chrysostom here means that the deanery at the marriage of Jacob to Leah] belonged not to the one who married the girl, but to the father who gave the girl in marriage. That's why I started talking about this, directing my speech not so much against the grooms as against the parents of the bride and groom. Isn’t it unreasonable that we, who benefit from God’s great love for mankind and have been awarded the terrible and ineffable Mysteries, are in this respect worse than Laban, who still worshiped idols? Or don’t you hear Paul’s words that marriage is a Sacrament - an image of the love that Christ showed for the Church (see Eph. 5:32)? Let us not disgrace ourselves, let us not violate the honorability of marriage. If something is thought out well and useful, then, even if it is not a custom, let it be done; and if what you do is harmful and disastrous, although this is the custom, you must reject it. After all, if we allow this, then the thief, the fornicator, and every other villain will refer to custom; but this will not give him any benefit, nor forgiveness, but will be a grave condemnation for the fact that he could not overcome the bad custom. If we want to be sober and have greater concern for our salvation, then we can leave behind bad customs and turn to good customs: in this way, we will give our descendants a considerable incentive to imitate us in this, and we ourselves will receive a reward for their good behavior. He who has shown the beginning of a good path becomes the culprit of what others do [following his example], and therefore receives a double reward - both for what he himself does and for the fact that he has led others to a better way of thinking. Don’t tell me those empty and ridiculous words that this is something legal and therefore must be observed. This is not what makes a marital union legal, but cohabitation in accordance with the laws of God, chaste and honest, when those living together are united by unanimity. This is how [external civil] laws understand it; ask people who study them, and they will say that marriage is nothing more than intimacy or affection. Let us not transgress the laws of God together with human ones and prefer the laws of demons and such a destructive custom to them, because this is the legalization of one who always rejoices in our destruction. And what could be more absurd than this custom, when a husband and wife listen to inappropriate jokes and various ridicule from servants and insignificant people and no one can forbid this, when anyone who wants is allowed to say everything without fear until the evening, bombarding the bride and groom with jokes? If at another time someone decided to mock or vilify him, then he would be taken to court, he would be fined, he would be in trouble; and then, when one must especially observe reverence, special decency, modesty, then everything is filled with shamelessness, so that one might think that the devil controls all this. But do not be upset, I ask you: it is not without a reason that I entered into this reasoning, but because I care about you, about your salvation, about your good behavior, and I want you, having shown a change for the better, to be the first to initiate good customs (1). As a rule, nothing tames a young age more than the crown of chastity, and entering into marriage pure from all debauchery. And their wives will be kind to them when their soul does not know fornication in advance and will not be corrupted, when the young man knows only the woman with whom he entered into marriage. Then love is more ardent, affection is sincere, and friendship is more reliable when young men marry in compliance with this [rule]. And what is being done now is not marriage, it is simply a monetary transaction, trade. If a young man was corrupt before marriage, and after marriage he again looks at someone else’s wife, then tell me, what is the benefit of marriage? It is the gravest punishment, the unforgivable sin, if, having a wife at home, [the husband] defiles himself with harlots and commits adultery: after a wife, even if she is not a harlot who has committed adultery with a married man, his action is adultery. And this happens: even after marriage they run to their mistresses, because before marriage they did not observe chastity. Hence - strife, curses, destruction of houses and daily quarrels; that is why love for his wife weakens and ceases, exhausting itself in the company of harlots. And if he learns chastity, then he will consider his wife dearer than everyone else, will look at her with great love and have great agreement with her, and with peace and harmony all good things will enter that house. So, in order for us to build well here and with this together receive the Kingdom of Heaven, let us take care of ourselves and our children, especially in relation to this commandment, so that we do not come to that spiritual marriage in unclean clothes, but with great boldness enjoy the honor prepared there for the worthy (1). Solomon knew the difference between sins; he, comparing theft with adultery, says this: “A thief is not allowed to go away if he steals to satisfy his soul when he is hungry. Whoever commits adultery with a woman has no understanding; He who does this destroys his soul” (Prov. 6:30, 32). Both, he says, are sins; but one sin is less, another is more; he finds an excuse in poverty, but this one has no excuse. And this one, you say, is forced by natural need? But the wife given to the man does not allow this; she deprives him of his justification. This is why marriage and legal use were established, so that the husband could not say anything like that. For this reason, a wife was given to him as an assistant, to curb the raging nature, to tame the waves of lust. Therefore, just as a helmsman who causes a shipwreck in a pier cannot have any justification, so a person who has achieved security through marriage and insults other people’s marriages, or looks lustfully at some wife, cannot have any justification either before people or before God, even if he refers a thousand times to natural pleasure. However, what pleasure can there be where there is fear, anxiety, danger and the expectation of so many disasters, where trials, investigations, the wrath of the judge, the sword, the executioner, the abyss and execution await? Such a person trembles and fears everything: shadows, walls and the very stones, as if they make a sound; he suspects and fears everyone - servants, neighbors, friends, enemies, those who know everything and know nothing (4). Which wife tried her best to make her husband better? What kind of husband took care of his wife's correction? There is none. On the contrary, the wife has only worries about gold jewelry, clothes and other outfits, and also about increasing property; and the husband is busy, besides these, with many other concerns - and all of them are worldly. Who, intending to get married, tried to find out the character and behavior of the girl? Nobody. On the contrary, everyone immediately asks about money, about property, about how much of all kinds of household items - no matter how much they would like to buy something or conclude some ordinary trade agreement. For this reason, marriage is called by this name. I have heard many people say: so-and-so made an agreement with so-and-so, that is, he got married. This is how they mock the gifts of God: they get married and are given in marriage, as if they were buying and selling something. And written conditions for marriages are concluded with much greater caution than for matters of purchase and sale. Look at how the ancients married and imitate them. How did they join? They were looking for good behavior, morals, and spiritual perfection in a bride, and therefore had no need for written contracts or security through paper and ink. Instead of everything, the spiritual qualities of the bride were enough for them. So, I beg you also to seek not money and wealth, but good behavior and meekness (7). You might be interested in: