Autobiography

I was born in Moscow, in the family of a professor at Moscow University. My father had 11 children, all of whom were raised through the labors of their father. He was raised in a pious family, devoted to the Tsar and the Fatherland, and hardworking. My father took me, his last son, to St. Petersburg and managed to enroll me in the School of Law in 1841. I completed the course in 1846 and settled in my home in Moscow, serving in the Senate. By nature, not at all ambitious, I did not look for anything, did not ask for anything, content with what I had and my work, devoted to intellectual interests, I did not look for any career and throughout my life I did not ask for any position, but when I was able, I did not refuse any work or any official assignment. In the 50s, Moscow University, having become depleted of legal professors, turned to me, and I did not refuse, remaining in the service in the Senate, giving lectures there, 8 hours a week, for 5 years. When reforms began following the death of Emperor Nicholas and the work of various commissions began to boil in St. Petersburg, they called me back there, but I refused to venture into the unknown sea of ​​new work, which frightened me. But, finally, there was no avoiding it. In 1861, Count Stroganov began to call me to teach legal sciences to Tsarevich Nikolai Alexandrovich. Out of a sense of patriotism, I could not refuse and moved to St. Petersburg for a whole year. This decided my future fate fatally. In 1863, I was invited to accompany the Tsarevich on a trip to Russia. I also became known to the court. At the end of the trip, I returned to Moscow to my studies and dreamed of staying here. But God wanted it otherwise. The Tsarevich died, mourned by all of Russia. The new crown prince, having heard good things about me from his late brother, wished to have me with him to teach. I could not evade and moved to St. Petersburg in 1866 to live and serve. Here I had the opportunity to consistently conduct classes with V. book Vladimir, and with Tsarevna Maria Fedorovna, and with V. book Sergius, and even with V. book Nikolai Konstantinovich. I became known in ruling circles, they began to talk about me and give exaggerated importance to my activities. I found myself, without any fault of mine, in an atmosphere of lies, slander, rumors and gossip. Oh, how blessed is the man who does not know all this and lives quietly, unknown to anyone in his work! The Tsarevich treated me sympathetically and showed me confidence. I became a familiar face in the Anichkov Palace. But at that time, none of the ministers and ruling officials had contact with the crown prince, and this environment was fed by all sorts of rumors and gossip about his character and mood. They didn’t know me either and harbored suspicions about some kind of influence I had on the Tsarevich, and to the Tsar the then temporary workers - Count. Shuvalov, Valuev, etc., inspired the same suspicions. On the other hand, due to the same opinion about me, people, while condemning and scolding me on the side, tried to be kind to me. Without any petition on my part and without any participation of the Tsarevich, I was appointed a member of the State Court. Council and here he got the opportunity to express out loud to everyone his opinions on state issues - opinions that he never hid from anyone. So, little by little I acquired a reputation as a stubborn conservative - in opposition to new directions and trends of state liberals. By the end of the reign, these influences and trends acquired dominant significance. Due to general discontent, an insane desire for a constitution began, that is, for the destruction of Russia. This became a kind of infection in their minds: the Russian people, who still retained their reason and memory of the past, waited in fear of what would happen, for the late Emperor had already been completely persuaded to take this disastrous step. Such was the mood that even the disaster of March 1st did not bring anyone to their senses. On the contrary, a handful of people who held power in their hands were in a hurry, especially in the very first days after the disaster, to achieve their goal. The young Sovereign, taken by surprise by the terrible event, seemed to them unable to resist - none of them knew him, and they all hoped to take him into their own hands and control him. His situation was terrible - he did not know what to do and what to do to get out of it. I saw how passions flared up, and I was directly afraid for his safety - needless to say, how afraid I was for the fate of Russia. And, indeed, in order to get out of this situation, I convinced him to take a decisive step - to publish a manifesto on April 29, 1881. Everyone was more or less aware of my participation in this matter. And from this fateful day for me, a feeling of anger towards me begins and continues, flaring up, feeding both in Russia and everywhere abroad on the general unsteadiness of minds, the gossip that now dominates in all circles of society, the ignorance of the Russian intelligentsia and the hatred of foreign intelligentsia towards any Russian power. Unfortunately, both here and there there is an inveterate opinion that in Russia, under autocratic power, there is certainly one or the other - one omnipotent person who controls everything and on whom everything depends. And this is the person everyone and everywhere began to consider me and still consider me - a person who always avoids any exclusive appropriation of any power to himself. Naturally, at first the young Sovereign, feeling lonely and confused, began to turn to me, to a person closer to him known and devoted. He consulted with me about people, and on a few occasions I had the opportunity to point out people to him: Baron Nikolai - for the people. education, on Count Dmitry Tolstoy - for min. ext. business, and, fortunately, I was not mistaken. When people spoke to me, I answered; when the sovereign entrusted me with work, I performed it. But that's it. Never once did I allow myself to beg for favors or appointments, etc., for anyone. But people imagined differently about me, and then I had to see a lot of human vulgarity in our society. People turned to me for favors and appointments; and when I answered that I do not interfere in these matters and cannot do anything except what concerns the business entrusted to me, they did not believe me and scolded me. On the other hand, the hatred of other people from the court and other spheres was aroused towards me, who sometimes happened to interfere with me in the implementation of various selfish plans. I saw my situation very clearly. Despite all the trust the Sovereign had in me, I could foresee that it too could be shaken, and I knew by what suggestions the sovereigns were shaken by it. One has only to suspect a person of seeking dominance over the will and decision of the sovereign. Envy and intrigue are common in courtly spheres. The people who made up the usual society of the Anichkov Palace, not knowing me, not having direct communication with me, heard only conversations and anecdotes about me in the living rooms and, passing them on, managed to impress both the Empress Maria Feodorovna and, in part, the Tsar. I continued to carry out his instructions, but in recent years I already felt that something had been said to me. Without interfering with any affairs of other departments, I led a solitary life; however, despite all this, everywhere - both in Russia and abroad - I continued to be considered an all-powerful person, from whom everything comes, in Russia, and all and every order of the government, about which I had no idea, was placed on my account. From different corners of Russia, from Europe, from America, angry, threatening letters rained down on me, either from nihilists, anarchists, liberals of all shades, or from the Jews, who attributed to me personally all the restrictions, all the orders for their expulsion, and so on. A new reign has arrived, and all anti-government, false-liberal elements have been revived with new hope. Remaining almost the oldest of the old servants of the three reigns, I was ready to serve the new Sovereign in whatever way I could. But a different time has already arrived - the people around me and in government circles have all changed: people of a new generation, alien to the old traditions, the old orders, the past events. I myself have become weak. At the beginning of the new reign, I considered it my duty to sometimes speak to the young Sovereign about affairs and people, but this soon had to be put to an end, and I limited myself only to the affairs of the title entrusted to me, and the people around me and around the throne became more and more new - people of the new generation, many who knew me only from rumors and rumors about me. And, despite all this, not only were they not silenced, but the absurd rumors about me flared up and intensified, as if I was an all-powerful person in Russia. They did not subside even in the highest circles of society, judging the state of affairs only from newspapers and on the basis of chatter in living rooms, and in the growing circles of anarchists, socialists, radicals - both abroad and in Russia - I became, more than ever, a person standing in the way of all progress and the main culprit of all oppression, all persecution, the extinguisher of all light. This is the feeling of all the distraught youth now, both in the capitals and in all corners of Russia: a crowd of people who have no idea about the course of state affairs, about the springs of the administration, about affairs and about people, exposes me as the culprit of all that they have a reputation for - abuses, violence, retrograde measures, and shouts that in the name of freedom it is necessary to destroy me. From this prejudice, from this malicious idea towards me, I, innocent of anything that is attributed to me, am unable to get rid of it and am forced, of necessity, to endure it. You can judge how it spread everywhere when the unfortunate Lagovsky, who shot at me, appeared as its representative from a small circle in Samara. In his testimony, he directly explains that he wanted to exterminate me, as the main culprit of any restrictions that interfere with progress and freedom. It is curious that in the first place in the indication of my wines he puts: “spreads superstition and ignorance among the people through parochial schools.” From this, it is already clear in what ignorance and in what savagery of mind and heart this mass of half-educated or proletarians of science grows and develops, brought up on articles in liberal newspapers, on absurd proclamations, on underground pamphlets, on rumors and gossip passed on from mouth to mouth. And I am accused of a matter that I consider at the present time to be the most important and necessary matter for Russia - for the people are the whole strength of the state, and the people can be saved from ignorance, from savage morals, from debauchery, from the disastrous infection of absurd, outrageous teachings - can only be saved through the church and the school associated with the church. This is the fate of my life. And I believe that it is guided by providence, which, in addition to my will, often in spite of it, put me in a prominent position for a matter from which I had no right and could not evade.