Diary. Volume XXV. 1883–1890

I • II • III • IV • V • VI • VII • VIII • IX • X • XI • XII • XIII • XIV • XV • XVI • XVII • XVIII • XIX • XX • XXI • XXII • XXIII • XXIV • XXV • XXVI In the fourth grade, Sokolov was assigned to read “The Lives of the Saints” for the May quarter. September 7. On December 28 at six o’clock in the evening there was a christening for Mr. Lieutenant Andreev, Morozova’s son-in-law, in Tsepov’s house. Father Pavel Trachevsky, the rector, teaches disobedience so that the deacons do not listen to the clergyman and other priests when they invite the deacon fathers to the service of Matins. February 12, 1884. To Ovsyannikov next week, November 13, Tuesday. To Pesochnaya Street in my own house to Fekla Fedorovna and my son with a cross on Easter, April 12 (day five). May 30, 1884. Roman and Vera (Crown) are remembered at liturgies and at home on Thursdays for their repose. Remember, Lord! You must receive your pension in two months. July 24, 1884. Bykovsky (Bykov's) master mechanic was given books to read - the lives of Russian saints. Molchanovs: Kolokolnaya street, house number 5, apartment 3. One hundred rubles, twenty-five rubles. Novgorod, General Muratova, Peterburgskaya street, Evdokimov's house. Gratitude for the books about Orlova and the Yuryevsky Monastery. Send yours. How my wife hungers for my dishonor out of envy! How [angry]! How he despises! How proud! Cleanse my sins, Lord! You allowed this sin for my sake. To Melnikova and neighbor [K...] in Rambov 1 for a prayer service in July. Prophet Hosea chapter two, verses 19 and 20: And I will betroth you to Me forever, and I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and judgment, in kindness and mercy. And I will betroth you to Me in fidelity, and you will know the Lord. (Further verses: And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will hear, saith the Lord, I will hear the heaven, and it will hear the earth, and the earth will hear the bread and the wine and the oil; and these shall hear Jezreel [Hos. 2:21–22].) May 11, 84 Merchant Pyotr Petrovich Melnikov, a member of the Exchange [...], a merchant in the Koenig house on the Fourth Line of Vasilyevsky Island, invited me to visit him. Merchant Sivokhin asks to be on Monday, May 13th. May 16. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy [...] in me at Professor Sukhotin. The machinations of the enemy killed me, but in the carriage, through prayer, God’s mercy revived me, then on the Peterhof steamer, up on the deck, God’s mercy visited me. Be all grief, priest, [why] are you all down? Prince Kropotkin [...], Panteleimonovskaya. Novo-Yamskaya, house number 25, apartment 26. Ekaterina and Natalya Orlov. I thank You, Lord, my Light. Elisaveta Vasilievna Molchanova. Moscow, Strastnoy Boulevard, house of Count Orlov-Davydov, Molchanova’s apartment. Kryukova widow, merchant's wife, at the Tuchkov Bridge (a kind, rich millionaire, asked to come in). Kokin merchant, corner of Nevsky and Perekupnoye. 1883 I thank the Lord for yesterday, for the manifold salvation and help in all the ministries and places where I served: in the Church of the Assumption (from the St. Petersburg demon-possessed coughing mass) and in different houses (at Shaturina and Voronina’s memorial services), at prayer services and memorial services. He served the Liturgy without stumbling by the grace of God, with tears of tenderness. I thank the Lord, who by His grace, through the humble and unworthy prayers of faith, drove out the evil demon from the servant of God Anna, who came from St. Petersburg from Peski, and who made her worthy to partake of the life-giving Mysteries in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who showed me grace and mercy without number throughout this day, starting with matins and ending with the prayer service in the evening (there were several of them). I thank the Lord that I, the all-unworthy one, was worthy to perform the liturgy (from the Markovs) without stumbling, although, due to my sins, with difficulty (for I had been given over to gluttony since the evening), and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who showed me His gracious help during the service of the water-blessed prayer service after mass in the church (for the Markovs), and who drove away the soul-destroying delusion of the prodigal from my heart with tightness and shame, and who clearly and quickly granted me peace with space and freedom. After the previous prayer service on the mountain, I came to Anna Grigorievna Shaturina and with an appetite, with greed, ate balyk and drank wine, and this weakened my spirit, and three hours later (at three o’clock in the evening) at the Markov prayer service I found myself powerless in the fight against unclean spirits, stumbled while reading the Gospel and was put to shame. How necessary is fasting! The evening before this day, I feasted on roast meat, soup and butter, fried in a frying pan. It was very harmful to my throat and my heart. I felt like I was tied up. I thank and praise the Lord, who miraculously healed cancer in the uterus of the woman Anna Grigorievna Shaturina, who sells meat. At my suggestion, she often received Holy Communion and was healed by their supernatural power and action. Glory to the Lord! The Mother of God is the purest and holiest, the greatest image and likeness of the Divine in Her holiness, truth, mercy for people, in Her heavenly mind and heart and the perfection of Her Divine will. She is higher than the heavens, not only the sky, and truly purer than the light of the sun. But we are passionate, unclean, vain and vain, crafty, evil, proud, contemptuous, 3 stingy, covetous, greedy and greedy, lazy, careless, prodigal, envious, unkind, angry, impatient, sad, cowardly, fearful, fearful. Hieromartyrs Clement of Rome and Peter of Alexandria. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who today quickly surprised me with His mercy in delivering me from the oppression of sin that befell me for being upset with the old woman Paraskeva Kovrigina for her complaint that she was not invited to a conversation yesterday, and for asking her nephew Andrei for money in the amount of twenty rubles. I promised ten donated to me. God! Grant me the grace not to fear any of the rich and powerful of this world, but to fear You alone and do Your will, and to avoid all sin, be it fear and cowardice before the strong and rich (Nikolai Sidorov and Philip Stepanov). God! Grant me the grace to love everyone unfeignedly - both the poor and the rich, to feel sorry for everyone, to have compassion for everyone, to care about the salvation of everyone without distinction, not to be afraid to denounce the rich and learned with love, not to despise anyone and not to be afraid of anyone, to be friendly to everyone, to be bold before everyone. Be, Lord! Hey, amen. After an early (at eight o'clock) mass in the Duma Assumption Church. I thank and praise and exalt with praise the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, who worked in me wondrous miracles of His mercy and power during my celebration of the Liturgy, who revived me, who was mortified by sins and inspired courage and boldness in me, who took away the weakness and relaxation of the heart and bestowed strength, who deigned without condemnation to undoubtedly partake of the Holy Mysteries and read the pulpit. a prayer that I thought to read only at the end, that is, its final words, due to the effect of confusion and fear from the devil arriving. I thank the Lord, who has granted me to use the Holy Gifts in a life-giving way and to remain filled with the greatest grace, peace and cleansing of sins and the greatest boldness. Evening. I thank and extol the Lord, who mercifully and quickly saved me from the consequences of hostility towards my wife Elisaveta Konstantinovna for her claims and intransigence to me when I denounced her for taking committee tickets (three out of twenty-five) for clothes for the poor, and [for] her strange suspicion of my addiction to Evdokia’s servant. It was hellishly hard for me after my disagreement with her and my grief at her and after the words: “Go to hell!” Oh, a bold, malicious, demonic word! Glory to the benevolent, benevolent and beneficial power of Christ God, who accepts the repentance of sinners and has mercy on me. I deliberately came to the church and applied my heart and lips to the holy throne, asking for forgiveness, peace and rich mercy, and received wonderful forgiveness, wonderful space, lightness, peace, boldness, life. I repent before the Lord that I treated my wife harshly when she came up to [sign] beggar tickets on the evening of November 25, and did not speak kindly to her. The accursed one fell into a new sin: he became very angry with the servant Evdokia for secretly taking beggar tickets for clothes and sent her, impudent and impetuous, senseless, to hell, thus pronouncing blasphemy and a curse on the man created in the image of God and redeemed by the blood of the Lord. I repent with all my heart. If you want to live with God, live in the Divine way, meekly, simply, kindly, humbly, in patience and long-suffering, in purity, abstinence, mercy and in all virtues. Amen. After early mass in the Duma Church. During Matins in the cathedral, the Lord, through the prayer of my repentance and by falling with faith and hope at the holy throne (at the Intercession), delivered me from the hellish oppression and death that befell me for my anger and rage at the servant Evdokia for taking tickets for the poor. And in the Assumption Church the Lord delivered three times, and again from the greatest cramped conditions and sorrow because of regret that I agreed to serve early mass in the cathedral together with Matins, and not late. I shivered a lot, and shifted, and toiled, I, a damned sinner. Finally, the strength of God’s mercy defeated the strength of the devil’s malice and my passions, and I triumphed over grace. About twenty people received communion without condemnation and gave communion to the laity. Evening. I commemorate the miracle of God’s mercy that happened to me on my way home from the gymnasium: in the third grade of the gymnasium during a lesson, I became very agitated and angry with two students, Lamanov and Antonov, for their pranks during the lesson, despite repeated remarks. I am also to blame for losing my temper: the enemy, the spirit of malice, acted in me when I treated them harshly. And so, walking along the road and being under the influence of anger and distress, I prayed to the Lord, and He drove away the enemies who had done evil to me, forgave, reconciled and healed me. A priest serving in a church and in homes and in other places must remember that he is a mediator and intercessor authorized by God between God and people, and try to constantly be a worthy bearer of such a high rank, and above all, he must be filled with love for God and for fallen humanity and alien to pride and self-interest, imbued with sincere goodwill, sympathy, especially the desire for salvation for every person. As a mediator between God and people, the priest, at the direction of the Church, reads sublime intercessory prayers for himself and for people during Vespers (evenings), Matins (light mornings) and liturgy, as during the performance of all the Sacraments; boldly converses with God as with the Father, or as if close to a king and ruler, or as a steward with the lord of the house. In addition, the priest must remember that he is the builder of the wondrous, saving Mysteries of God for people, the mourner of their salvation, the shepherd of the verbal 4 flock of Christ, shepherding them in the pastures of the Gospel and the Church, the preacher of the dogmas and rules of the Gospel and eternal truths of Christ and must stand guard over his flock day and night, paying attention to himself and the whole flock, shepherding the Church of Christ, Lord by His Blood [Acts 20:28]. I thank the Lord, who at the very beginning of Matins surprised me with His mercy in delivering me from the oppression (regarding indignation at the confessors) and who gave me the grace to loudly and completely glorify His Resurrection in the stichera of the eighth tone. I read the entire Gospel by the grace of God (the last one from Mark). At the beginning of the Liturgy, the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions and the entrapment of demons; during the Cherubim Song and after communion, he bestowed abundant tears of tenderness for my cleansing. After mass, I was extremely reluctant, due to the enemy’s pressure, to serve a prayer service to Britnev (for there was a communicant who hurried me), but I overcame the enemy’s reluctance and resistance with prayer. I read the Gospel to the Archangel rarely, loudly, forcing myself, and defeated the enemy. After the mass, he served a prayer service at Rudilov's decently, without stumbling, then he ate a roast fish, drank a glass of wine - and spoiled his heart, and at Spiridon D. Antsev, at the sight of the beautiful maiden Maria, he could not serve a prayer service calmly from extreme lust in his heart and embarrassment (he fought to the point of tears and did not give up, and all because of food and sweets); At the prayer service at Buchholz’s (the first time), where there were also four big girls, I could not serve calmly. Terrible voluptuousness! Terrible capture of an ethereal enemy! They who are Christ's are the flesh crucified with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]! Let us zealously crucify our flesh! In a dream I saw a fire in a wooden house and an [immediately great] stream of water that flooded the flames; I saw children - young girls, tossing from side to side on the bare ground and unable to sleep, under some of them there was water. Isn't this a reference to the poor who have no place to lay their heads? We must take pity on them and give them shelter and food. God! I often feel the hostility of my soul towards the Father Superior for his cold attitude towards public prayer and all rituals, for his indifference in matters of trusteeship and for his cold, contemptuous attitude towards poverty and poverty despite his great income every week, for his extremely money-loving and unmerciful disposition, for distracting the headman and others from participating in matters of trusteeship. I have sinned, Lord Lord! And to his sins I add my own sins. I need to pray earnestly for him and for myself for the enlightenment of the eyes of the heart and for the softening of the heart, for mutual love and envy, goodwill, and I [need] to correct myself, to love him evangelically. And I am kindled with hostility towards him, as if evil can be corrected by evil. I myself fall into absurdities and contradictions every day, for I do not have true love, which covers everything and never falls away [1 Cor. 13:7-8]. Grant me therefore to love him and all those like him and pray for them as for my own sick members. For what soon awaits the hard-hearted? It’s scary to say: confinement in hell, in Gehenna, in fire. An example is the rich man of the Gospel [Luke 16:19–31]. Evening. I thank the Lord, who usually had mercy on me throughout the past day, repeatedly delivering me through the prayer of repentance from my usual irritations and anger towards the beggars who persecute me (for which I should thank them, for they force me, selfish, selfish, stingy and lazy, to mercy, which is necessary for me most of all), and from voluptuous movements of the flesh and spirit, corrupting the soul and body. The Lord delivered me both in the holy church during Vespers and Matins, and at home, and in different houses (at the tanner Sidorov’s, at Markov’s). Everywhere and always the Lord has mercy on me, the accursed one. His mercy is inexhaustible. Glory to His mercy and righteousness! I will sing to You of mercy and judgment, O Lord [Ps.100:1]! Wednesday. I thank and exalt the Lord for His mercy to me on this day during Matins, the early liturgy in the Assumption Church (irritation before mass with a woman from St. Petersburg, Melania, for the untimely approach to confession - repentance and the mercy of the Lord, peace), for the unfailing performance of the liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries. After high school, at home, irritation with his wife for contradicting the picture [the king-groom], wounding in the heart, prayer and repentance - and healing the wound of the heart, and wholeness, peace. Glory to the Lord! After Vespers. Again and again I glorify the triumph in me, a sinner, of God’s mercy, which forgave me my anger towards the poor for their multitude and persistence at the gates of our house. I repented with all my heart and received the quick, great and rich mercy of God. I condemn myself in lack of faith, pride, self-indulgence, voluptuousness, impatience, tolerance, greed, avarice, laziness, negligence, pride, contempt, envy, ill will, unfriendliness, guile, insincerity, timidity, timidity, cowardice, impatience, disobedience and disobedience, waywardness and stubbornness, grumbling and blasphemy. How much I have angered and continue to anger the Lord! - there are no numbers, for every day. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for yesterday’s speedy deliverance through secret prayer of repentance from secret hostility towards the Father Superior for burning wax on a large candle in the lamp and to Ekaterina Neustroyeva (née Kudryavtseva) for her seeming unsociability (imaginary) and pride in her treatment of me. Oh, how I have been spoiled by the bows and zealous respect of many who know me! While serving the all-night vigil with Pyotr Murashov (Gerasim), Alexandra, I had extreme difficulty from the demons: I could not pronounce the words of the Gospel and exclamations of prayers because of the precious cross, which, it seemed, was smoldering and smoldering from incense smoke (oh, the absurdity!). I cried from demonic violence (secretly), and finally the Lord helped me to read loudly the last prayer of the Blessing of Water (served with Deacon Nicholas). I was glad not only to renounce the precious cross, but also from my very flesh, the culprit of so many passions and so many deaths! Oh, invisible, fierce, stubborn, demonic war! O my immortal soul! Be in your rank, rise above the world, be above the merging of the worldly, soar to the sky, to incorruption, to immateriality! I sinned before God and before people and before myself by the fact that I hurriedly and with appetite ate and drank at the abbot's 8th fryshtik on the feast of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called and ate more than was proper, although I was not satiated; I also drank more proper wine. Forgive me, Lord, that I have not yet learned to hold my belly and follow this carnal pleasure. It is necessary to sow into the spirit, and not into the flesh. In the evening, while visiting the Markovs, I sinned by shaking the hand of my young wife Catherine in response to her pure caresses of deep respect and heartfelt affection for me, for I felt in myself the corruption of my heart and almost my flesh. Then he tearfully repented in his garden that he had allowed the idols of the passions into his heart and had fallen away, renounced 9 from God. On the night of the first of December, towards the very morning (at four o’clock), I saw in a dream some beautiful girl who seemed to be calling me to the store, sat down in solitude and began with me, like an acquaintance for a long time, to tell me something and whisper in my ear, and I voluptuously looked at her with my eyes, listened to her speech (as if in reality, feeling that I was deaf); finally I broke away from her for some reason (the people must have felt ashamed or I had to hurry somewhere) and I see, I clearly see: along Gospodskaya Street from the Denisova store [...] a huge giant with a black face and an extremely prominent nose, like a branch, walks along the street and makes various antics, surprising those passing by and becoming either small or large. I soon woke up and guessed that these were the devil’s metamorphoses. This is how he turns and seduces people: either he will appear as a beautiful girl and talk to you kindly, or as a monster - a giant, black as pitch. I thank the Lord, who renewed my strength with a restful and healthy sleep: in the evening I was extremely tired and weak, I could barely speak or move my legs, but this morning I am alert, healthy, completely fresh. What a great benefit we have been given from God - sleep! This is renewal and, as it were, resurrection from death! Father Paul is an intelligent, tactful, sedate, important, measured, even, [kindly] elder, with self-control, not suspicious and not fearful, like I am a sinner. I am nothing compared to him in many ways, although not in all, by the grace of God. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who to this day has repeatedly shown His mercy and power in me both in the church, at home, and in the dwellings of parishioners (especially in Grigoriev’s house before the prayer service with Anna Gordievna and Paraskeva Petrovna after the secret prayer of repentance). Glory to Thee, my consolation! I thank the Lord, who twice plucked me from the clutches of Satan during Matins through the prayer of my repentance (during the Six Psalms and the reading of the canon) and who gave me peace, silence, space, justification in His wonderful, all-saving name. When one of the brethren steals the brotherly income or is lazy in fulfilling the requirements, do not be offended by that brother and do not fall away from love, do not destroy the law of God because the one who is called a brother first destroys him, so that you do not lose the grace and life of God, the peace and space of your heart for your hostility, but leave the sinner to the will of God. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times during Vespers and after it (in the apartment of Nikolai Akindinovich Alekseev, to whom he communed the Holy Mysteries), and another time at his prayer service and after the prayer service (regarding the indignation at Father Alexander for the small testimony of the collected money on St. Andrew’s Day), the third time - at my home, each time after diligent secret repentance and prayer of faith. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy performed by His goodness in the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleinikova and Prokopiy Evdokimovich after a secret prayer of repentance in anger towards the innocent and kind Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who was in her apartment for a spiritual conversation. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy during Matins, when ethereal enemies inflamed me with hostility towards Father Alexander and money-loving jealousy about his concealment (perhaps imaginary) of brotherly money collected on the Lord’s Street on the church feast of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called. Through a prayer of repentance, the Lord delivered me from this misfortune - hostility and spiritual death. But the enemy stung almost the entire morning, even during the canon. Only at the very end did he let go. But what wealth of grace, peace, space, joy are hidden in the faith of Christ, in the name of the Lord, in church reading and singing! Everything is here for a Christian - and nothing in the world is needed. I celebrated the Liturgy in the Assumption Church with tenderness, by the grace of God, when at the very beginning, while pronouncing the litanies, I felt that I had approached Mount Zion and Heavenly Jerusalem... and the Intercessor of the New Testament, Jesus [Heb. 12:22-24], and His Most Pure Mother. After communion there was a temptation regarding the sexton, who sang little and quickly during communion. With difficulty he defeated his ethereal enemies through repentance and faith. But after the victory, what peace, calm, triumph, space of spirit! I left the church completely renewed. But at home, through gluttony, he lost the gift of God: he was satiated with two freshly baked fish cutlets with black bread. I sinned. I won't have lunch. The same third of December. Evening. I thank and glorify my Lord Jesus Christ for delivering me from the painful grief with the rector because he deliberately began the small Sunday vespers fifteen minutes before the bell, so that I could not catch it and sing the stichera at it, which I loved so much. What was to be done? With hidden annoyance and embitterment, I took the Octoechos and read these stichera and canons at the Compline of the Mother of God and at the Midnight Office of the Most Holy Trinity, praying in advance to the Lord for the extinguishing of the feeling of bitterness in me and the goodness of my heart, which the Lord granted. However, I did not repent with a perfect heart, and some torment remained, and upon arriving home I prayed fervently, and the Lord granted perfect forgiveness and peace. I thank the Lord for His quick mercy. Oh, how hard it is to be upset with the abbot even for what appears to be just! God! I pray to You, may the rector not be deceitful and may not offend me in this way, may he not transform the 10th rite of worship, may the dean observe this rite. (The sexton deliberately, on his orders, read and sang, drove quickly, with large gaps. What kind of childish insolence and prank - with what? - worship!) Twelve o'clock at night on December 3. Now the Lord has given me, in my sorrow, tearful prayer and the greatest consolation and peace after confusion, embitterment and oppression. Glory to the only benevolent God! He who has no temptations, who is not attacked by the enemy with fury, does not fight against him and his offspring - sin, and who suffers frequent temptations, sorrows, wounds from the enemy, he is a fighter and warrior, fighting against opposing forces under the banner of the Cross of Christ. With all the saints there were countless temptations; they were in a constant struggle with invisible enemies. How good and calm it is for me when I am satisfied with myself, when by the grace of God I overcome many different temptations from the enemy from many different passions, ghosts and fiery movements! This means that we must always fight firmly against temptations and passionate impulses and movements, diligently calling on the Lord, strong in spiritual warfare, and not to lose heart and not to despair. Cultivate your spiritual field carefully, sow it with good wheat - and you will have your eternal bread, you will not hunger forever. Otherwise, eternal and unbearable hunger will befall you. Sunday. After early mass and prayers. I thank the Lord for the miracles of my salvation from spiritual temptations and troubles during Matins and especially during mass after the special litany for the dead, when the Lord delivered me from money-loving and unbrotherly zeal for Father Alexander Taratin, whom I suspected of concealing brotherly incomes (I was very embarrassed and tormented by this), then at the end of mass, when I read prayers for communion for two communicants, and especially at reading prayers of thanksgiving for communion, when I was upset with the sexton for leaving the church without my consent and without asking. Oh, how hellishly hard this grief was for me; For repentance and fervent prayer, the Lord saved me from hellish tightness! May I always hope, Lord, in Your all-good, all-wise, never-slumbering, all-powerful Providence for me, to whom I have hitherto owed all and every kind of spiritual and material blessings, and not for money, not for earthly blessings, so that I am not indignant because of their loss, real or imaginary, imaginary, and do not love money, and do not desire the admiration of others, even for the benefit of the poor. Deliver me from the offense of the adversary the devil. Before serving prayers in a shelter in the house of Mr. Adamovich, I had to experience an extremely difficult mental struggle with opposing forces at the mere thought of taking anything from Verkhovsky’s generous reward for a prayer service from him (five rubles) for the correction of the prayer cross or for the benefit of the poor. Only when I completely abandoned this thought and begged the Lord did I calm down, and even then not completely, and finally, at a prayer service with a woman in Adamovich’s house, I defeated my enemies. At the prayer services in the shelter, I was cheerful, trustworthy, loud, and unshakable. Thank God I defeated my enemies. Those present at the prayer service were: [police chief] Adamovich, [...], captain of the second rank Burachek, Borisov - first rank, captain Fedorov, many merchants, innkeepers and wine merchants. Evening, ten and a half o'clock. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of His salvation in church during Vespers, in delivering me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for the feelings of hostility and pride, contempt for Father Superior Pavel Trachevsky, with which I treated him, although perhaps unnoticed for him, but consciously for me, telling him that today I hastened to come to church earlier, so that you would not finish [it] without me, like yesterday. I thank the Lord for his help at prayer services in the house [Coralli below] with Alexandra Ivanovna (Pesochnaya Street) and in the house of the Kudryavtsevs with Maria Vasilievna. I thank the Lord for the generous gift to the poor from Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev - thirty rubles. May his wishes and that of his wife be fulfilled. Wake up! Reverence the royal door, through which the Royal building enters and exits 11 - man, royal image; take care of her with all fear, sacredly, and do not defile her with inappropriate dreams and voluptuousness. Do not corrupt the church of God, lest God corrupt you with eternal torment, for the church of God is holy [1 Cor. 3:17]. Reverence God's wisdom, goodness, holiness and almighty power, who created and arranged everything wisely, well, holy, beautifully and with indescribable beauty and beauty 12, and thank God that you too were created by His most pure hands, gifted with reason, speech, freedom, immortality and, what is most amazing and great, deification and eternal co-reign with By God. Be holy always in spirit and body. Sin deprived the fallen spirits of kindness 13 and beauty, and light, and life, and immortality, and deification, to which they were involved, and plunged them into eternal shame, darkness, torment, filled them with ugliness, and shame, and the most painful fire, subjecting them to eternal damnation. Monday. Morning. Seven and a half hours. I commend, with gratitude to the Lord, to reverent memory His greatest mercy, revealed to me during Matins four times in delivering my soul from the hellish, mortal oppression that befell me through the cunning and temptation of the hellish serpent, who slandered evil in me against Father Superior Paul and aroused in me bitterness against him. Oh, what a great deliverance I received at the end of Matins during the singing of the great doxology (I stood in the altar)! What peace has reigned within me! What space! What freedom! What truth and simplicity of spirit! Tomorrow there will be a prayer service at Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev’s company at eight and a half or nine o’clock. Today Maria Filippovna Yashchechkina (Kovina) will receive communion at nine o’clock in the morning. Twelve o'clock in the afternoon. I commend to reverent and grateful memory to the Lord new miracles of His mercy and salvation of me, a sinner: once before going to bed, at eight o’clock in the morning, when for a moment I was infected with lustful thoughts and I got up and repented of them; Then, when, admonishing Maria Filippovna Yashchechkina (Kovina), due to the action of ethereal enemies, I did not utter some praises at the end of the prayers and the enemy sank his teeth into me, and I, having come to church, repented for a long time and fell to the holy throne at the Intercession and was healed from the poison of the serpent! The third time with the Markovs, twice the Lord delivered me through secret prayer from movements of voluptuousness. God bless! Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I commend to the reverent and grateful memory of the Lord His new wonderful and quick mercy towards me, revealed in the gymnasium at the very entrance and upon entering the seventh grade: the Lord delivered me, through a secret repentant prayer, from the hellish tightness of my soul that befell me both for gluttony (early eating a bun with salmon and drinking wine and sweet tea), and for hard-heartedness towards the beggars who followed me: I was upset with them for constantly following me, for which I repented, blaming myself sincerely. I offer my heartfelt thanks to the Lord for deliverance from the devil’s scourge, which occurred during a prayer service at the post office in the presence of all the officials and some women. The fact is that my heart was relaxed by gluttony and drinking wine after the prayer service with Anna Gerasimovna in the Semyonovs’ house, and, taking advantage of this, the adversary weakened it even more and killed it with his fear while reading the Holy Gospel (Holy Gospel). I read almost everything, only at the end I stole a few words with demonic action [...]; I had to repeat it another time, and then I stole it a little at the end; and the enemy nevertheless sharpened his deadening nose, his deadening sting, and I was not able to pronounce the litany of the holy water - death remained in me from the sting of the devil; I stole my leave. And so, when I was in the devil’s ulcer, having walked around with this ulcer all the chambers below, above and going down into the prayer chamber, I fell in repentance to the Lord for mercy and deliverance from the devil’s machinations - and soon received strong help and mercy from the Lord: I was delivered from the deadly sting, revived, pacified and healed. Glory to the Lord! But I desperately need abstinence. Where is it? Patriarchs, prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all saints are witnesses of all the truths of our Orthodox faith, the truths of promises and prophecies, and among other truths - the truth of a future endless life, the resurrection of the dead and the general judgment of all people. The day of St. Nicholas is and was for me a day of countless mercies of God, starting from early morning (from Matins) until late evening: I mean not ordinary, not natural, but gracious mercies; to begin with the fact that the much-merciful and quick-to-obey Lord delivered me from the devil’s oppression and spiritual death, which befell me before Matins for an evil movement of the heart, for which I zealously repented and received forgiveness, and served Matins with complacency, and glorified the great saint of God with a pure heart and lips singing and reading; I especially solemnly read and sang the canon of the Mother of God and St. Nicholas; I read the Gospel loudly on the holy throne, and stole a few words at the end through demonic cunning and intimidation; at the end of Matins, the usual temptation after the absolution was stolen and in the first hour after not being read out of fear of the demonic prayer to Christ, the true Light. Through a prayer of repentance, the Lord healed my soul, which was constantly suffering from the cunning of the serpent. He celebrated mass with a feeling of tenderness, reverence, and loudly; More than once the Lord delivered from the machinations of demons, especially after the great entrance (by stealing the title and name of the empress and partly the heir). I stole the prayer behind the pulpit for fear of demons, only read the end; At the prayer service to St. Nicholas, while reading the Gospel, I did not say a few words at the end. During the service of numerous prayer services - constant deceit, enemy attacks, wounding and shame, and sometimes brought me to tears (at Britnev’s prayer service I received great help from the Lord and overcame demonic intrigues and insurance: I served solemnly, spoke slowly). For all the mercies, of which I can’t remember them all, I thank the Lord, as well as for the fact that he kept me healthy (although my left leg hurt badly at the extremities from scrofula: my stomach was strengthened). The Illustrated "World" (newspaper), that is, its publisher, sent me a painted issue with the image of Zephyr and Flora, Cupid with naked wings and a naked beauty being kissed by him, and I had the imprudence to look at this with some servility and was very wounded by the voluptuous arrow of the enemy, taking unclean, deadly poison in the heart, which I barely washed off with repentance, having come to the church and falling zealously with tears to the throne of mercy. Don't look at what tempts. What is sweeter than the true, holy, incorruptible sweetness - the Lord and His grace, which I had the blessing of experiencing so much, without number, especially in the church of God during prayer and praise! What do we have in heaven? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72:25–26]. The disembodied enemy, the blasphemer and adversary of all that is holy and great in the Church of God, puts into my heart, while serving, blasphemy and hostility towards the Holy Governing Synod of the All-Russian Church and its first member, our Bishop Metropolitan Isidore 14, as well as against Ioannikis of Moscow 15, not allowing me to freely utter the cry In the first, remember, Lord. I pray to the Lord to grant me due reverence for the Holy Synod, as the representative of the holiness and power of God on earth and the dispenser of His saving goodness, especially the grace of the priesthood and all the gracious gifts of God, through the Sacraments and worship communicated to all spiritual and laity. We continue to love the objects of our passions, despite repentance or remorse for them when they torment us; That’s why we don’t get rid of them: we cut off their tops, but leave the roots in ourselves, in our hearts - they constantly give off shoots and new shoots. We must completely hate sins and their guilt, their causes. Saint Ambrose of Milan. I thank the Lord, who tore me from the mouth of the hellish dragon, who placed in my heart the sting of anger against the abbot, which tormented me secretly, and when I sincerely repented of this secret sin, falling to the holy throne and kissing it, the Lord delivered me and gave me peace. From the beginning of Matins until the seventh song of the canon, the enemy tormented me with his sting. Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. I confess new and new mercy of God towards me, revealed in the church outside of the divine service, when in repentance I venerated the holy altar in the main church. Enemies oppressed me for the sins of uncleanness of heart and hard-heartedness towards the poor that nested in me, for impatience and grief towards them, for there are extremely many of them, hundreds, and they all expect alms from one person and chase him everywhere. The Lord also delivered me from the prodigal movement of my heart for my secret prayer. I repent to the Lord for several passionate handshakes, touching and tickling the face and neck of some persons and for allowing hugs and kisses from women and girls in the name of the love of Christ, which, perhaps, crossed the boundaries of holy love and turned into carnal love; May the Lord forgive me and them all this and may He strengthen spiritual, holy love in us. Evening. Twelve o'clock. How many traps and deadly intolerant wounds of sin there were all day long in different places: on the street, and in the gymnasium, and in the houses of the laity (at the Galakhovs, at the Bubnovs during unction, and at the town council (in Storozhevskaya) at Arkhip and Alexandra Ivanova). A daring, unnecessary violation of fasting from early morning (from eight o'clock) led me to all the temptations and embitterment and ridicule of evil spirits throughout the entire day. My spirit from breaking the fast and gluttony (I ate meat fried with butter in a frying pan with black bread dipped in butter) became extremely weakened and could not withstand the brazen attacks of the demons; I fell and fell, taking wounds upon wounds, defeats upon defeats until the end of the day (last prayer service with Arkhip, the watchman in the Duma). The reason for the relaxation of the spirit was also that I had not served the Liturgy for three days, I had not partaken of the Holy Mysteries, which for me are an everlasting strength and strength and a weapon against invisible enemies. I especially fell internally very often and was greatly wounded in my soul by demons during the unction of Lieutenant Colonel Velikanov’s sister-in-law, Matrona Andreevna, at the Bubnovs’, and this, I think, was due to the fact that at the Galakhovs’ after the all-night vigil I drank a glass of tea that was so sweet and cloying (without any need or appetite) and thereby weakened my soul extremely; but he served the all-night vigil with the Galakhovs very well by the grace of God, having prayed in advance secretly with tears (in the face of a grave temptation and fall because of the poor) to God, may he forgive my sins and may he help me worthily perform the doxology. But, thank God, in the end, all the serious temptations from demons, the mercy of God defeated both my enemies and my sins, and I was healed from them and reconciled with God. Truly, I go through aerial ordeals in this still life, especially when I perform the Sacraments and public prayers and for the sake of my various passions the demons stumble heavily when pronouncing prayers, doxologies, thanksgivings and petitions, they bind and wound my soul, they offend me cruelly, cruelly, they shame me. And what would happen to me if the mercy of God, the grace of God did not intercede, save and have mercy on me? I would have died soon, for the demons who offend me are fierce and extremely inhuman. There is no other way to defeat demons and one’s passions except those indicated by the Lord, namely: fasting and prayer, and I dream without fasting of hoisting the banner of victory over a cunning, subtle, experienced and dexterous, fastest and strongest enemy. Impossible. I thank the Lord of glory for this day, filled for me and for people with the greatest mercies of God. Thank you for deliverance from my sins, these mental wolves that attacked and bitten me, and for your help during the service of the early liturgy and the communion of the Divine Mysteries, and for the renewal of my soul and body by them. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of prayers (in the houses of Smirnova and Terentyev with Captain M.F. Alekseev). Glory to You, my breath, my belly, my peace, my strength! Holy Martyrs Mina, Hermogenes and Evgraf. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy performed in me by His grace during the liturgy I performed (early), during which I was revived by His grace after communion of the Holy Mysteries and received great power, with which I read the prayer behind the pulpit sincerely, loudly, boldly, and said the dismissal in full detail. During Matins I was without a voice due to the deadness of my heart, and even during Mass my voice was weak and unclean, but after communion of the Holy Mysteries I became strong in both spirit and body. I thank the Lord, who performed wondrous miracles of power in me during Little Vespers and after Compline, especially before baptism in church, when through secret prayer I was delivered from great distress. Having been with the Markovs and speaking about the endless mercy and goodness of God towards us in the infinitely many great natural and extraordinary, gracious gifts of God, manifested and constantly manifested every day, I moved them by the grace of God to such love of God that they loved me very much and [...] kissed me. This is your gift, Lord Jesus Christ, our God, and I was pure in this that I allowed myself to be kissed. I said that we all daily and constantly suck, as it were, the breast of God in the many different and countless gifts of God, and at the Liturgy we actually eat His Flesh and drink His Blood! Oh, endless, unspeakable Love! When I was communing the Holy Mysteries to the servant of God Anna Gerasimov after mass, Satan suddenly attacked me, shooting his anger into my heart against this Anna like a scorching arrow filled with mortal poison and putting into it some kind of contempt for her, a communicant of the Divine Mysteries, worthy of deification, for her, a member of Christ, and after that I was deprived of peace, freedom, space and boldness of the heart, fell into darkness, shame, oppression, into sorrow, into the fire of hell, and only with sincere, tearful repentance did he return to himself the grace and mercy of God and consume the Holy Mysteries in the world. Then, after lessons at the gymnasium, having come to the communicant’s apartment at her invitation, I was again angry with her for the frequent and persistent invitation and treats, but then I humbled myself when she told me not to be angry with her, at least for the sake of communion of the Holy Mysteries. I repented of this to the Lord and received mercy. Glory to God the Savior! The burning coals of the censer mean the fire of the Divine, burning our sins, and incense means the manifold grace of the Holy Spirit, given to souls, cleansing and sweetening them, as well as a burnt offering: as incense burns on coals, so the thorns of our passions are burned by the grace of the Holy Spirit and our faith, repentance, and love. In all liturgical sequences throughout the year, in all daily, weekly, annual or time-based services, also in the sequences of all the Sacraments, an extraordinary, gracious, spiritual Divine light shines, shining, illuminating and cheering the souls of believers who read or listen to these prayer sequences - songs, thanksgiving or praise; they miraculously ennoble the soul, and lift its grief, and ignite in it love for God, arouse it to repentance, tenderness, thanksgiving and praise. Sunday. A day filled with God’s usual ineffable mercies, starting with matins and early mass (mine should have been late; [at the beginning of mass the adversary was ulcerated because of stale prosphoras; grace defeated the devil’s plague at the great entrance - he was healed again]) and ending with a prayer service at Paraskeva A. Yudenich. Many many times the Lord saved me through the prayer of repentance from the devil’s oppressions and his traps during Matins and especially mass and after mass. How many times have I diligently fallen before the holy throne, each time I have been rewarded with the usual revival from the Lord. I rarely read the Gospel at Matins, word by word, all the way to the end; I read and sang stichera and canons with the half-drunk sexton Mikhail Dobryakov and was tempted because of him. During Matins and Mass, the devil especially offended after dismissals and in Christ, the true Light, prayer, which he did not allow to be said. At Yudenicheva’s prayer service and after the prayer service three times the Lord delivered the poor from the devil’s oppression, which had befallen them for their decisive refusal, with indignation and anger. I repented and for my sincere repentance and faith received pardon, peace and freedom, and stumbling-free and successful, beneficial service. I thank and extol my Lord Jesus Christ for His good obedience to me, a sinner, and deliverance from my sins and the fierce demonic machinations that befell me for being upset with the poor, who followed me in large numbers when I went with Procopius at the altar to a prayer service to the Grechukhins. At first, due to embarrassment and spiritual distress, I could not warmly and unfailingly serve the prayer service and began to bring repentance to the Lord and a sincere prayer for mercy and deliverance from my sins; I did it once, twice and three times (ask, seek, knock) - and the Lord opened the doors of His mercy to me: I was healed in soul, calmed down, became bold, strengthened and served without stumbling, sincerely, boldly, loudly and then was very cheerful and free, talkative all the time. At the prayer service of Paraskeva Vasilievna and Yakov Vasilievich in the Storozhevskaya philistine council, by the grace of God, the prayer service was also served peacefully, without stumbling. The machinations of demons are repelled by God's grace and intercession. During the service of Vespers and Compline, I experienced a terrible struggle with opposing forces that did not allow me to pronounce the litanies: once because of gluttony, another because of not giving alms to the poor (of whom there are very many) before evening, and the third because of my impatience from cramped conditions and perspiration in the body. Demonic enmity and war are stubborn and poisonous, deadly. Monday. Twenty-eight years of my priesthood by the grace of God. I thank the Lord, who showed me many times during the service of Matins His quick and all-powerful help, especially after reading the canons: the repentance for the Lord, the holy martyrs, the holy Archangels and Angels and Saint Spyridon of Trimifunt, also during the service of the prayer service to St. Nicholas and Saint Spyridon and the memorial service for Gregory and others, during the service of prayer services in Smirnova's house at Spiridon and during the confession of the father of Archpriest Vasily Saltykov. The adversary always and everywhere stings me, and the Lord always and everywhere heals and saves me. Evening of December 12th. I thank the Lord for the extraordinary mercies shown to me during the service of the Liturgy, especially at the end of the proskomedia and at the great entrance: for the tenderness of my heart and cleansing tears, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and the stumbling-free reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal; then for deliverance from the hellish cramped conditions that befell him for concealing the words of dismissal at the funeral service. Polyeleos in honor of the five martyrs 16. I thank the Lord for the numerous mercies of reviving and pardoning me, a sinner, during Midnight Office, Matins, the first hour and prayer service to the Mother of God, St. Nicholas the Wonderworker and all the saints (I read everything from the Gospel of the Mother of God, the small litany - freely). I thank the Lord for his extraordinary help during the unction of old woman Kharitina in the wooden wing of Trofimov’s stone house. Yesterday I sinned with gluttony and drunkenness at the archpriest of the Vladimir Church Vasily Saltykov. I drank a glass of bitter vodka and regular vodka, and foreign sherry and Madeira, and plenty of champagne. And at home in the evening I ate a quick meal: melted cow butter in a frying pan with fried meat. The heart becomes coarse from gluttony and drunkenness and falls away from love for God and neighbor; enemies mercilessly attack and captivate the soul of the glutton, that is, me, and clothe me in shame. After mass. During mass, I was as if I were at war while the sexton sang the often repeated stichera Under Your Mercy: the ethereal enemies not only with their ears, but also with their gums, 17 even with sacred words, fought, confused, and embittered me: why is the sexton singing the Lenten song! They caused me trouble because of yesterday's intemperance. Before mass and at the beginning of mass, the Lord miraculously, quickly, mercifully delivered me from extreme tightness and the sting of the serpent. During mass I felt terrible weakness and felt incredibly sleepy... At least lie down and sleep. And the voice was good from yesterday [the wines]. He received life-giving communion... Then the terrible struggle of light with darkness and victory in the name of the Lord for the sake of His atoning blood. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, desperately louder than ever, and defeated my enemies. Letting go is also desperately loud. During Vespers and Compline there was a hard struggle over a warm cassock and a warm cassock and perspiration, which I could not stand. At the last litany of Compline, he overcame temptation and pronounced the entire litany desperately loudly, and calmed down. Upon arriving home, the melancholy and cramped conditions are deadly when reading the newspaper. He prayed fervently for the third time and was delivered from spiritual death. Glory to the All-Redeemer Lord Jesus Christ. The adversary enemy is trying in every possible way to deprive me of boldness in the Lord, but the Lord crushes his machinations and gives me constant boldness both in life and in ministry. Wake up, wake up! (This was written before Matins.) After Matins. At Khvitsky’s christening, while reading prayers, I was in a strong internal struggle from invisible enemies, but I read with quite strong boldness, although the enemies prevailed in the praises, not allowing me to pronounce them and negatives and triple combinations. Negation only once, combination only three times. You are great, Lord, I once read. You, too, the Humane-loving King... May they also be crushed once... He stealthily spoke the last litany with dismissal (omitting many words). Morning. I thank the Lord for the perfect boldness with which I performed all Matins this day. I read it thoroughly, with feeling, with order, with solemn joy. At first, at the Midnight Office there was a strong struggle, which gave way to peace after a secret prayer and falling to the Holy Altar. Evening. I praise and extol the Lord for his ineffable mercy and omnipotent deliverance from hellish crampedness and death of my spiritual soul: once before mass (after the memorial service for Daria Filippovna Murashova: a stolen vacation and crampedness) and then after mass, during which Satan terribly tempted and mortally wounded me through instant hatred and oppression of the beggar Catherine, who was bringing the baby to communion. Oh, the pride and malice of the devil! Oh, partiality and hypocrisy! O prodigal heart, wicked, unfaithful, destroying the laws of the Almighty for the sake of dissatisfaction of the voluptuous heart and eyes! I despised the man who is the image of God, the church of God, a member of Christ and mine, without guilt, whose entire guilt is that he is poor, unkempt and unattractive in appearance. Because of contempt and hostility towards her, soon after communion of the Holy Mysteries and the infusion of the Lord into me, I became the settlement and work of the adversary of the devil, who with rage and cruelty entered my heart and stung me like hell. I could not pronounce the prayer behind the pulpit and the earlier prayers I believe, Lord, and I confess and the others and dismissal. Have I shivered and broken down from unbearable torment? Finally, for sincere repentance, prayer and faith with hope, the Lord had mercy and delivered me from hellish malice. During Vespers and after it, the Most Merciful also delivered me from hell many times, especially after Vespers and Compline, when in repentance I touched the Holy See of Peter and Paul. Then, at the evening funeral service for Daria Murashova, the Lord delivered me through faith and prayer. To love God with all your heart, with all your thoughts, means to never prefer anything in the world (and above the world) to the Lord God, not to dream of anything earthly during prayer and worship at home and in public, to love virtue, righteousness, truth with all your strength, to hate every sin with all your strength and resist it even to death, to love the word of God with all your heart and to fulfill it, not to love the world, nor what is in the world, rejecting the lust of the eyes, the lust of the eyes. flesh and the pride of life [1 John 2:15–16]. Never despise or hate a single person, for all are creatures of the good God and were created good, and fellow believers are brothers and sisters, children of God and are equally honored to call God Father; everyone is equally given in Baptism and Confirmation the Holy Spirit, all the members of Christ and the temples of the Holy Spirit, the animated churches of God through Baptism, all the branches of the one vine - Christ. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly, fiery slander and malice of the devil against Father Superior Paul, when I was walking, and he was riding, with his head bent in a kamilavka, carrying Daria Murashova, for the Lord showed me the kind and gentle, peace-loving heart of Father Paul, who spoke kindly to me, while I thought that he despised me and towards me embittered. After this, I rejoiced, and the slander and malice of the devil, who always slander people, teaching them to think evil, and vain, and nasty, and evil, were destroyed in me. How good, calm, spacious I felt after communion of the Holy Mysteries - I cannot say. God bless! (I boldly said in an undertone as Father Pavel was driving: “Why are you bowing your head?” - thinking that he was hiding his face from me.) After mass in the Assumption Church (funeral service), the adversary made me angry with Marina Ivanovna, the wife of Father Alexander, but with grace I repelled his anger from my soul and calmed down. Oh, how the adversary roars, seeking to devour me to the end. Blessed is Father Paul that he is always peaceful, and even, and firm. Learn from him. This is what a rector should be! Yesterday's wake at Par. Ek. Murashova and then the treat, and that means satiety, at the Markovs resonated with me extremely heavily today. During Matins I was not myself: having invited Father Deacon to help me serve and not waiting for [him] on time, I was extremely embarrassed and spoke the Great Litany vaguely and stealthily, which made me even more embarrassed, but through repentance and calling on the name of the Lord and kissing the life-giving throne, I was saved, healed and revived, I was at peace, and I read the canons very well, calmly, with a sincere feeling. I rested before mass; after rest, although he had physical strength, he was spiritually dead; before mass and at the beginning of mass I felt confused, dead; Then, through tears of repentance, the Lord miraculously revived me and pacified me - it was as if I had risen from the dead. Served with great feeling. But, seeing that the lamb’s crust had separated from the flesh, I was upset at the prosphora bowl, and then all my bliss disappeared; I was resisting the enemy who was devouring me through this instant feeling, but out of my gluttony he overpowered me and devoured me - and what did I feel! What oppression, sorrow, torment, bonds of hell, scorching fire! I could not then say the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal, I died. Oh, greed! Oh, lack of faith! Oh, dislike! Didn’t the Body of Christ remain entirely the Body? And the prosphora maker is innocent: she made the prosphora large, soft, and correct. O wicked serpent! How you ruined me! How I suffered, cringed, broke, struggled after mass! But I thank the Lord again, for he also had mercy on me and brought me out of the jaws of the enemy adversary, and again revived me, pacified me, and had mercy. God bless! Do not indulge in gluttony, despise the belly! Before Vespers, I drank very little wine and ate salmon and fish soup, but even then my spiritual eye was confused and darkened and my heart became weak, and I could not calmly speak the litany and, having uttered the great litany with difficulty, I left the petitionary one and the large one, saying the small one. I read the canon to the Mother of God at Compline. I read the prayers [for confession] calmly, strongly, expressively, rarely. The Lord, through my secret prayer, helped me many times when I was exhausted from the excuses of the 19 ancient hector, giving me peace, belly and strength. I thank the Lord. By the end of the confession (two hundred people) he was completely exhausted, almost slept, but often dozed off. I sinned. Saturday. After Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord for His abundant grace in me during the service of Matins and especially the early liturgy, which I served for the communicants and communicants in particular. He served without stumbling, with tenderness and boldness, for which he prayed to the Lord even before Matins. He took communion and gave communion to everyone life-giving and prosperously. After mass, I was in Nikitin’s house at Kovrigin’s in the apartment of Mikhail [Filatovich] and Anastasia Nikolaevna, had a snack, drank a glass of wine (I ate salmon and pressed caviar - I sinned). I thank the Lord, who showed mercy to me in the cathedral after the all-night vigil, when I came from the Markovs to confess, having previously read the established prayers, Averky Ivanovich and his wife. Through the prayer of repentance and the bowing of my heart to the Holy Altar, I got rid of the movement of voluptuousness in my heart and in my flesh and felt the life-giving effect of God’s supreme grace. And who would give us to be satisfied with His flesh [Job 31:31] - thus exclaims heavenly, unfeigned love and expresses itself in the kisses, and kisses, and embraces of the beloved! And everyone, as one person, loves me, unworthy, cursed, passionate, my spiritual daughters, kissing my very feet! God! This ardent love comes from You. You breathed it into them, You give it the character of a shrine and do not allow it to turn into carnal, sinful. God! You see my weakness and the voluptuousness of my flesh and reject it. Amen. December 18. Sunday. After Matins and early mass. At the beginning of Matins, the Lord resurrected me, who had died spiritually, for my repentance and my heartfelt fall to the holy throne and gave me abundant tears of tenderness during Matins (during the reading of the Six Psalms). Especially during the Mass during the Cherubic Mass and after the Great Entrance until the end, I literally shed tears all over. I received Holy Communion in a life-giving way, generally felt in a high state of grace, humbled myself, humbled myself and glorified God, who had been good to me. But when the royal doors were opened to bring the Holy Gifts to the people and the remembrance of the resurrection of Christ, and among the women who brought children to the Holy Chalice, [I saw] Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova, out of [...] spiritual love and zeal for me, extremely rushing towards me and, when I walked in the crowd, kissing my shoulders, I was indignant at her and was indignant in spirit and angry with her; although I resisted this unkind feeling, I could not overcome it, and with it the misanthropic devil entered into me, deprived me of peace, freedom, justification, or the rightness of spirit, received by many tears and communion of the Holy Mysteries, and I suffered terribly from this hostility, from which I was saved by a great internal cry of repentance and faith and trust in the infinite mercy of the Lord, which surpasses all our iniquities and with the strength of mercy conquering the strength of the devil’s malice. Satan caught me terribly in the scourge of my many-passionate flesh, but the more obvious and striking, the more amazing is the power and mercy of my Lord Jesus Christ, who rescued me from the jaws of the most vicious mental wolf, from which may the Lord deliver every person, living and dead. Wake up! I thank the Many-Merciful One, who had mercy on me during the service and after serving the prayer service at the servant of God Ekaterina Stepanovna (in the house of Korshunov), when evil and crafty demons were extremely cold to me, like goring gores, stinging and crowding me and hindering my prayer; It’s the same in the Duma with the watchman Andrei Ivanovich... At a funeral service outside the city at one o’clock in the afternoon, they were also extremely annoying and did not allow me to pronounce the litanies. Woe to me, the multi-passionate one, that I was secretly upset during the liturgy at the revelation of the Holy Gifts to the people and the communion of infants on the servant of God Anna Gerasimova because it was she, and not another, who brought the children to the life-giving Chalice. I listened to the secret slander of the ethereal enemy and his malice, and I myself was terribly embarrassed and wounded, and through zealous secret repentance I barely got rid of the enemy, also a murderer, who had put his terrible sting in me. In the evening, the said Anna explained to me exactly why she wanted and did bring the children to communion, that is, because of her extreme love for the Holy Mysteries and the desire to smell their life-giving stench. Honor and glory to her! God! Forgive me my sin against her and against You, the All-Good One, who breathes and lives in her. Grant me, Lord, love that never falls away. Monday. The Lord showed me today after mass, while consuming the Holy Gifts, great and immeasurable mercy, delivering me from the deadly stings of demons, stabbed into me for gluttony and satiety, and gave me a wonderful, heavenly peace, freedom and spiritual space. And after receiving communion during the liturgy, I felt within myself life-giving power, cleansing, salvation, deliverance, peace. I thank the Lord, who gave me the voice to read and sing during Matins after the lack of voice last night (I read a lot in the gymnasium). I thank the Lord for cleansing my voluptuous sins, my gluttony and the fierce demonic gores in my insides. I thank the Lord for his help during the liturgy, for warming my heart and for the tears of tenderness, especially at the great entrance, and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the unfailing and strong reading (with feeling) of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal at the liturgy and at the memorial service. On the tower he could not say the litany and dismissal - amazing! Such a torn demonic storm: it tears the word out of my heart, and that’s all, and I can’t cope (I regretted the new fur coat so that the spark from the censer would not fall on it, and I was hurt, embarrassed, and died at heart). I thank the Lord for the sublime feelings during the liturgy at the great entrance until the end of the liturgy. What sublime spirit should a priest have when celebrating the Liturgy, what all-encompassing love, what holiness and truth, what simplicity and dispassion, especially when he says: It is worthy and righteous to sing to You and so on... Singing a song of victory... With these blessed Powers, we, O Lord, more loving of mankind, cry out and say... Take, eat... Drink... Remembering the saving one this commandment... Thine is offered to Thee by Thine, for everyone and for everything... when one prays to God the Father for the sending of the Holy Spirit... and transubstantiation takes place... Like being a communicant... We also offer Thee this verbal service, for those who have fallen asleep in the faith... and so on; Much about the Most Holy... Theotokos... St. John the Prophet, the Forerunner... and about all the saints... remember, Lord, every bishopric... honest presbytery, diaconate in Christ... etc. Try to have a pure heart - you will also have a clear, sonorous, powerful voice. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks [Matthew 12:34]. Grant, Lord, this to me until my last breath, so that I may sing to You as long as I am [Ps. 103:33]. When sin seduces you with beauty, sweetness, glory, earthly wealth, then vividly imagine the incomparable beauty, sweetness, glory of heaven, the inseparable wealth of eternal blessings and all this eternal, imperishable - and the heat of earthly passions will cool down in you, and the charm of earthly will disappear, like a dream of passing blessings, and this earthly nonsense will not be in you, I won’t say life, but sleep, for, according to the word of the Lord, the people will all sleep and sleep [Matthew 25:5]. Most Holy Lady Theotokos, all the holy Angels and all the saints, help me overcome the delusion and hesitation and fears of the universal flatterer when performing all public and private services for the living and the dead, especially for the dead, for whom the all-evil and all-evil demon does not allow me to publicly pray. Give me sincerity, sensitivity, tenderness, strength, peace of mind, like our abbot Paul. Wednesday. After early mass. I thank and exalt my Lord Jesus Christ, who had mercy on me, the worst and the worst, after my secret, whole-hearted repentance before the Holy, life-giving and terrible Cup. The fact is that the ethereal villain caught me and, with the speed of lightning, managed to throw into my heart my evil indignation at Father Deacon Nikolai Petrovich because, when bringing the Holy Gifts for their consecration, he twisted the holy spoon into a scarf, and it was necessary to unroll it to get it out. He did this without any intent, much less maliciously, according to established custom, but the spirit of malice turned this incident into a reason for anger towards Father Deacon, for he knows, the accursed adversary, my haste and impatience, and my irritability, and the complacency of my heart towards all sin. Only after strong, painful agony from the enemy for whole-hearted repentance did the Lord deliver me from the torment of hell. I only told Father Deacon, without visible grief, that he should not twist the lie forward - nothing more. He served the Liturgy with tenderness; Hoarseness and sore throat greatly hindered my ability to serve and predisposed me to irritability. Glory to the Lord, who has had mercy on me, and I also think that because of gluttony I am so irritable, unloving, impatient, I do not cover the infirmities of my neighbor, for when I see something else, I must not see or notice. Due to my impatience and delicacy, I avoided extreme perspiration, and although nature was trying to spew sweat from my body, I interfered, did not allow it to come out, and what happened from this was that excess moisture accumulated in my throat and created pain in it and deprived me of the voice that I needed so much to serve the Lord. Have mercy and heal me, O Lord, Most Merciful. It was difficult to serve prayer services, especially yesterday at Nikolai Sidorov’s. Thursday. I thank the Lord for giving me, who had a sore throat, a voice when reading and singing at Matins, and during the service of early mass, and before it, when reading prayers of confession. He spoke with difficulty exclamations and prayers; acute pain in the throat, such as an abscess or [vereda 22]; It’s been two days now, my throat hurts, my tongue hurts, there’s swelling, I’m drooling. Heal, O Lord, Physician of all, my infirmities. He served two prayer services in the Kudryavtsevsky wing with difficulty. Is eating lean foods bad for me? I'm extremely scrofulous. I had a sore throat and didn’t leave the house. I thank the Lord with all my heart for your help during the service of Matins and early mass. It was hard for me to serve because of the impoverishment of grace in me due to drowsiness, gluttony (drank a potion - water with oatmeal), lack of nourishment of the spirit with the praise of God and non-communion of the Holy Mysteries for one day. During the exclamation and lithium prayer and during the prayer of the blessing of the loaves, I could not pronounce many words due to the attack and oppression of the evil demon, and my voice weakened from illness, and I became completely weak. I read the canon myself, both canons. By the grace of God, he served the Liturgy with great tenderness and tears, and drowned in tears; After communion of the Holy Mysteries, he was greatly revived and renewed. I rested at home and fell asleep for about two hours during late mass. I receive many letters asking me to pray to the Lord about various ailments and illnesses or successes in life. But who am I, a sinner, to have such strength and boldness before God that would bend the Lord to obedience and fulfillment of all the various needs of people! Through Your terrible and all-powerful intercession and mediation, O All-merciful and All-Powerful Lady, I submit to Your Son and God all the needs and petitions of the people of Your flock, the flock of Your Son: ask, O All-Powerful One, all that is good from Your Son and our God to all who turn to me with letters and thoughts and hearts asking for good things from the All-Good and the source of goodness - All-Creator, Provider and Savior. Wake up! During Matins, the Lord granted me separate reading of the Christmas canons for repentance, tenderness and tranquility. And before sincere repentance, I was dead in spirit and fearful in speech. After Matins I slept at home; after sleep, he sinned - he indulged in gluttony: he drank milk with black bread and ate turkey meat, and therefore extremely relaxed his soul and heart and could not calmly perform baptism with Lieutenant Andreev, Morozova’s son-in-law. I read prayers with extreme difficulty, skipping a lot. Oh, what a great evil is intemperance and what a great good is abstinence! Intemperance, especially at its highest degree, tramples and destroys all the greatest, countless gifts of God's grace bestowed on a person for his faith, struggle with sin and sincere repentance. Therefore, the greatest and most severe punishment from God is prepared for a person who is incontinent in truth. Intemperate women and drunkards will not inherit the Kingdom of God [1 Cor. 6:10]. God! Deliver me from this condemnation. In the morning. I thank the Lord, who, through prayer and tears of repentance, delivered me from my sins, subsequent to gluttony and voluptuousness - from rudeness, petrification and weakness of heart, and who gave me the rightness of heart and will and a heartfelt, sincere, solemn, loud, intelligible reading of the canons of the Nativity, the holy martyrs Stephen and Theodore the Inscribed. While serving Stepan N. Coralli's prayer service at twelve o'clock in the afternoon, due to the devil's action, I doubted and was afraid of his usual insurance: while reading the Gospel, I stopped short, stung and struck in the heart, and only finished reading halfway, then I wanted to read the prayer, the generous and merciful Lord, I began twice and could not finish both times, as a result of which shame, and misfortune, and heartfelt death fell upon me. She did not suddenly pass through my secret prayer soon before the icons, but after a long time, after secret, intense prayer while moving from house to house; finally, from strengthened faith and repentance and diligent invocation of the name of the Lord, the tormenting demon came out of me, and I revived, calmed down, and strengthened in spirit. Glory to the benevolent Lord of my belly! On the night of December 28, he developed severe diarrhea with vomiting due to eating fatty salmon. I'm weak. But I thank the Lord for cleansing and lightening my stomach and for preparing it for Holy Communion. Wake up. He served early mass in the Duma Church at seven o'clock, with difficulty from severe indigestion and vomiting: partly from the north wind and frost, and more from satiety. He served with tenderness by the grace of God and received life-giving communion. I sat at home all day. The whole earth is full of the mercy of the Lord [Ps.33:5]; like an ocean of water, so the mercy of God is great and infinitely greater, and it seeks only ready vessels to fill them, that is, human hearts filled with the simplicity of faith and repentant, for sins block the way for God’s mercies to be poured out on us. Your sins separate you from God and from you [Isa.59:2]. Faith is given the gift of receiving all the mercies of God. As you have believed, so be it done to you [Matthew 8:13]. Look at the priest as one invested with the grace of the eternal High Priest of our Lord Jesus Christ: the priest himself is weak, like every person, but the grace of the priesthood on him is an extraordinary gift, bestowed for the benefit of earthly beings, for the benefit of Christians and non-Christians. For the sake of this grace, the Lord will grant everything through the prayer of the priest, and will leave the mountains behind. Look at it as an organ of the grace of the Holy Spirit, an organ of the Holy Church, which always has within itself the Holy Spirit, guiding it into all truth [John 16:13]. I thank the Lord for the solemn and good-natured singing and reading during Matins and for the consolation after Matins to see the maiden Varvara healed of a fierce demon through the intense prayer of my and my faithful spiritual children. She is fifteen years old, she suffered for seven years: extreme melancholy, grief, she tore her hair, scratched herself, fought off the shrine, at the powder factories in the church several people could not hold her, there was no help anywhere; In our church this morning she was completely healed: I communed her with the Holy Mysteries in the Assumption Church. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord for serving the unexpected liturgy in the Assumption Church. I didn’t read the prayers because I didn’t have time. I sinned. Have mercy, Master, on the unprepared former. I sinned before God, before the Mother of God, before all the Heavenly Powers, before all the saints and before all people, and especially before the poor, that I treated them rudely, harshly and arrogantly, often reproaching them for idleness, laziness and parasitism and reviling them unrighteously and angrily with various abusive words and sometimes pushing them strongly away from myself. And they are hungry, barefoot and half-naked. The root of all my sin is pride, carnality, greed. I repent with all my heart, and I blame myself, and I want to improve. Help, Lord! I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the prayer service with Kuzma I. Kovrigin. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from carnal voluptuousness while caressing me with pure virtue, persecuted and thirsty for a kind word and affection; By the grace of God and avoidance of great caresses, I avoided defilement, and soon began to pray. God has given people on earth the opportunity to fight against every kind of sin, in order to further purify, enlighten and strengthen the soul, for through the struggle against sins they become more and more strengthened in the truth of God and in the love of God and in the worthy hatred of all untruths, abominations and lies of sin. Thus, the holy apostles, martyrs and martyrs, hierarchs, reverends, righteous and all saints were strengthened and shone in faith and love through various temptations and struggles and patience of all kinds. And for this purpose the Lord determined this in order to grant greater bliss to His chosen ones and to bestow the brightest crowns of immortality. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly bonds of hell during Matins twice and during Mass in the Assumption Church, which began beyond expectation at eight, and not at nine, at the request of Father Deacon Vladimir Poletaev, which upset me with him and with the sexton who conveyed his real desire. Enemies terribly oppressed, embarrassed and tormented me, but through constant repentance and falling to the holy throne with faith and hope, I got rid of troubles, and without condemnation I partook of the Holy Mysteries, and was revived. He gave communion to Grigory Bogdanovich and his wife Maria Vasilievna. Gregory has a sore throat. On December 29, Thursday, after Matins, the Lord performed a great sign and power in His name: the maiden Varvara, a fifteen-year-old peasant daughter who had suffered from a fierce demon for seven years, was healed after prayers for her in St. Andrew’s Cathedral in the presence of many male and female persons. In many places she was with her parents, seeking healing and deliverance from the torment of the enemy, and nowhere could she get rid of it; I was delivered only here through fervent prayer. Her parents: father - peasant Rodion Alekseev, Smolensk province, Sychevsky district, Subbotinskaya-Sokolninskaya volost, village of Drozdove, and his wife Anna Nikitina. The demoniac was very sad, cried, tore out her hair, bit herself, scratched her face. In St. Petersburg she went to Porokhovye to Pyatnitsa Paraskeva, the priest read prayers over her; They asked the demon: why did you enter it? He answered: his grandmother sent him through an evil woman, and the grandmother hated her granddaughter and wanted to destroy her. Now the grandmother herself has died, and the evil woman is alive. Twelve people led her on Porokhov to the image of the holy martyr Paraskeva - such strength. When we were traveling to Kronstadt, I twice escaped from my parents’ hands. When the demon was cast out, she began to look straight and clearly and was baptized; the face brightened up, became pleasant and gentle, calm, but before it was rough, red, restless, unpleasant. Glory to the Lord! Christ my God was gloriously glorified by His life-giving and all-redeeming mercy and power in me, a sinner, having delivered me from my fierce sins - anger towards the poor and lustful indignation of the heart and flesh: in the outbuilding of Petrova’s house in the janitor’s room, in Trumberg’s house, in Nikolsky’s apartment (after harsh treatment of the poor), in Titkov’s apartment in the gymnasium, in Oporovsky’s apartment and in Anna’s apartment Gerasimova in Bykov's house. New Year 1884. Bless, Lord! I thank the Lord for the wondrous and speedy deliverance from severe spiritual troubles during Matins after the dismissal, at which Belial caught me and fatally beheaded me 23; then after Matins during early mass at the beginning; then after the Great Entry and especially after the Transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, when Deacon Nicholas was late to serve the censer (I was upset with the deacon’s father secretly, and the enemy began to confuse and torment me, but through intense prayer I got rid of his fierce torment); Finally, after mass, I was upset with the sexton for singing a prayer service in a hurry. I thank the Lord for the wondrous and quick help during the prayer service of Alexei Mitrofanovich Bykov, during which his fair-faced daughter Paraskeva stood and prayed, the look of which the enemy wanted to turn into a reason for secret sin, but I turned it away to the Lord with fervent prayer, although confusion was already taking possession of my heart; and then I performed the prayer service heartily, sincerely, calmly, with strength. Before the prayer service with Sergei Pavlovich Velikanov, I had lunch at home, having fallen asleep first; At the prayer service, the enemy caught me, confusing my heart and tearing out many words during the litany, during the reading of the Gospel and the holy prayer. There was an ulcer in my soul, which the Lord healed at home through my earnest prayer. Glory to the Lord! How glorious is Your name, Jesus, my Savior: by calling upon Him I am continually saved. Glory to Your name, Lord! January 1, 1884. Our Lady is holy and most holy, as the Lord our God is holy. I do not want and should not remain ungrateful before God for any manifestation of God’s mercy towards me. And God willing. I thank the Lord for his help before the prayer service and at the prayer service with captain mechanical engineer Yakovlev in Golubev’s house (I was on my knees at the prayer service), before the christening, during and after the christening at Sedelkin’s son Dementy (the enemy tempted me with my household towels), then at Evdokia Leontyeva’s. Everywhere, everywhere the Lord reigned in me. On January 2, 3, 4 and partly on January 5, I was in St. Petersburg on the matter of prayer. And here, as in Kronstadt, the Lord surprised me with His mercy in speedy deliverance from all the wiles of the devil and from all sin and gave me peace, boldness and the word of reason and prayer before everyone and for everyone who demanded my word and intercession before the Lord; gave me grace before everyone, so that everyone was very kind to me, and I was very happy, and kind and merciful to me, so that I received from different persons more than three hundred (360 rubles) rubles, which (with the exception of sixty) I gave to the House of Diligence. One of them said that if only I would offer, they were ready to collect at least two thousand rubles for our charitable institution with a living hand. Thank God for everything! And all this miracle is performed in me by the grace of the Life-giving Mysteries, or by Christ, who lives and acts in me through such a wonderful communion of His most pure Body and Blood, just as the grace of Christ God also acts in the healings of people of every rank and condition and various diseases and demons, and in my healings too, for I had a headache at night on the fifth in the Tyagunovs’ apartment; I fervently cried out secretly in bed to the Lord for healing, and she was completely healed: the pain disappeared, and I slept well and got up with a fresh head. I especially thank the Lord for healing the demon-possessed Elizabeth, who for thirty-two years suffered from demons with intense melancholy and anger at her family, especially before the great holidays. For a long time the demons screamed frantically and furiously, cursed and tormented the frenzied Elizabeth, shaking her terribly; For a long time I stepped on demons in the name of Christ, finally Christ, my God, performed a miracle of salvation and delivered a woman who had been tormented for so many years from demons: she calmed down, began to be baptized and was completely changed by the grace of Christ. Who will proclaim all the powers of the Lord [Ps. 106:2], which the Lord has surprised through me, a sinner, among the people of believers? I will also hear what the Lord God says about me [Ps. 84:9] in others for whom I prayed. I thank the Lord, who wonderfully reconciled me with my wife, with whom I had quarreled over the servant Anna, who rudely responded to people who came to me without me, and especially to one St. Petersburg merchant, who expressed his displeasure about this on the side. I prayed to the Lord earnestly in repentance, and my wife became unrecognizable - so soon she changed for the better, becoming affectionate and helpful towards me. Praise the Lord. January 6. Morning. Having not served in the church for five days and being in St. Petersburg and being treated to various people, I became extremely weakened in heart, and when I had to serve the solemn matins with the lithium, I discovered all my extreme inner weakness in the fight against the demons, who, according to their custom, made a fierce attack on me while reading the exclamation Hear us, O God our Savior... (I did not say these words and prayers to the Most Merciful Master, In the end, the Lord Jesus Christ, our God, who blessed the five loaves, was decidedly confused from embarrassment). I was extremely bitter; Reluctantly from shame and defeat from the devil, I went to the altar... And when reading the Gospel, I was also fearful and ashamed... When reading the canons of the holiday, I perked up, and the loudest and clearest voice came from where. He did not reprimand the dismissals, only after mass and after prayers of thanksgiving to the communicants he reprimanded everything. Today the Lord performed a great miracle of His mercy and power over the demon-possessed girl Agafya, twenty years old, expelling from her, through our prayers, the fiercest demon that had persisted for a long time and did not want to come out. He tormented a terribly poor woman: she was like a roaring lion, embittered, [...]; she screamed terribly when they began to bring her to me, taking her from the guardhouse. But unshakable faith and trust in God and God’s mercy performed a miracle of God’s power - the demon came out, Agafya began to cross herself, her face calmed down, she began to speak meaningfully, meekly. I told her to confess and then communed her with the Holy Mysteries together with the man Porfiry from Malaya Okhta. Glory to the Lord, who performed the miracle of His mercy at the gathering of many hundreds of people. I served the Liturgy with tenderness after the great entrance and received life-giving communion. I thank the Lord, who showed help in performing the Sacrament of Baptism with Fyodor Ivanovich Biryukov. Saturday. At twelve and a half o'clock in the afternoon, N. A. Turkin served a prayer service, not without difficulty, or struggle with opposing forces, but quite decently; Before the prayer service, I secretly prayed to the Lord in order to pray sincerely, fearlessly, and unabashedly. After the prayer service, I had a little snack and drank a glass of wine and a glass of beer, without having to (and a glass of tea). An hour later at home I dined greedily and ate chicken meat. This greed and excess were the reason for the relaxation of my heart and the burden during the all-night vigil. While reading the Gospel, the devil brought fear and fear into me and easily confused me from reading, not allowing me to finish the Gospel. But marvelous is the mercy and power of God! When I, standing at the lectern on which was the Gospel, secretly and whole-heartedly cried out to the Lord for mercy and deliverance, He immediately performed power in His name and drove out the insidious demons from me, pacified, spread, consoled, healed. The Lord did the same with me after the prayer to Christ, the True Light, at which, as usual, Satan confused and frightened me, not allowing me to say it. Then he vomited terrible poison into me, plunging his sting into me. Lukina asked to serve a prayer service after the all-night vigil, and I fell in terrible confusion and illness of soul to the holy altar in the Pokrovsky chapel, and the Lord miraculously and quickly had mercy on me: I was healed from a fiery ulcer and served a prayer service well, especially calmly reading the prayer to the Mother of God, Stretch out your hand... 24 At Arkhip Kononov’s apartment, a prayer service was served well. The demonized mother of the family, Anastasia, his wife; seizure... I don’t need to eat meat at all and be extremely abstinent in everything. Give, Lord! Regent Kusov either did not want to and cheated, or did not hear my messenger and did not cover my weakness when saying the prayer to Christ, the Light... Sunday. Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of victory over the adversary the devil when reading the Gospel - to read slowly and without stumbling the Holy Sunday Gospel about the appearance of the Lord among others to Thomas [John 20:19-31]. Thank you for your help throughout the ministry under the drunken sexton Mikhail Dobryakov, who constantly quarreled and disharmonized church singing. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness that revived me, dead in sins, for heavenly peace, justification and revival after communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the word of the sermon. I thank the Lord for the excellent pronunciation of all the prayers at baptism and for his boldness in front of the multitude of people watching (he was as if he had never been for me - that’s how I treated him, and did well). For me there was only God and adversary, against whom I stood and whom I drove out in the name of the Lord. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of prayers with Agafonova Evdokia and Mikhail in Kudryavtsev’s house on the mountain and with Lieutenant M.F. Alekseev with his brother-in-law Alexei Egorovich and his wife Feona Feodorovna (boldness and good pronunciation of words). Do you always sincerely, in the truth of your heart, read Our Father, Who art in heaven to the last word? Isn’t it cold, isn’t it careless, isn’t it absent-minded, isn’t it indifferent to your thoughts, heart and will? Do you pronounce all other prayers, litanies, exclamations, sacred songs sincerely, with love for God and for people? Be true in every word by the grace of Christ. Monday. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform Matins and Mass without stumbling in victory, although it was difficult for me due to physical weakness (indigestion). I thank the Lord for his help in sending many prayers. And wine extremely confuses and paralyzes the heart and does not allow one to serve the Lord peacefully and undistractedly. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the fourfold marvelous salvation of my weakness during Matins, and moreover, during early mass, which I served at the request of a St. Petersburg woman. My temptations were sharp and painful, and the Lord delivered me from them. Then, in the apartment of Colonel Markov (the former house of Krayushkin at the Kronstadt Gate), the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions for the sake of calling from the heart, with faith, His name, and in other places. Everywhere, everywhere and at all times, the Lord reveals His life-giving powers in me. Glory! I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness for the involuntary sin of voluptuousness. Wednesday. After an intemperate treat at the Markovs on the evening of the tenth and prodigal desecration, during mass the troubles of hell surrounded me, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, and then after the end of mass before the prayer service; The Lord truly delivered me from them out of His infinite mercy. The Lord placed mountains in me. Then, after classes at the gymnasium, I went with my wife, and the enemy incited me against my wife, there was hostility. But I sincerely repented, asked the Lord for forgiveness, and He saved and changed me. And I calmed down, was comforted, and rejoiced. I thank the Lord, who gave me boldness and the word of grace before all the strong, noble and rich and before the simple, poor in Peter's City and who guided my prayer in their homes. Grant, Lord, to all who petition for salvation, temporary and eternal blessings. We bless you, O highest God and Lord of mercy, who always does great and unexplored, glorious and terrible things to us, the number of which is innumerable 26, both before, and now, and forever. Amen. God! May I hear a joyful rumor about the glory of Your name in all for whom I prayed in Peter's City and here in Kronstadt. Wake up! At Mr. Annenkov's, immediately after drinking a glass of strong and hot tea, my prayer was unsuccessful, with great obstacles from the stinging demons: I could not pronounce many words, despite the effort to repeat them. But let the power of God be made perfect in weakness [2 Cor. 12:9], so that the power of God may exceed in abundance, and not from us. Wake up! I thank the Lord for my indescribably great help and mercy during the service of Matins, during which he repeatedly delivered me from the devil’s anger against Procopius, the altar watchman, because of a trifle (turned wrong, held the candle wrong, sang wrong). But in the end I had complete boldness and completely read the prayer to Christ, the True Light. At first it was very difficult at mass - I really wanted to sleep; then, after the great entrance, he was encouraged and served with feeling. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, he brought out the Chalice and, when he saw the [pretty] small children being offered by Anna Gerasimova and others, he was secretly indignant at why they were so often offered; I fought fiercely with this feeling that killed me. Finally, repentance and faith defeated the insolence of the evil one, and I calmed down. I thank the Lord for the power over demons in His name. Nadezhda, Evdokia, Anna. When I was in St. Petersburg with Prince A. Prokhorovich Shikhmatov, on Wednesday I only crossed myself and did not pray and sat down at the table, modest, although moderate; I think this and also from sweet tea with jam (I drank two glasses at intervals, the last one completely unnecessarily) caused a bad vision at night, a passionate touch of a woman in a dream and desecration. In bed, I said three prayers against desecration with a broken heart and tears. How carefully you need to eat and drink! The enemy's networks are spread everywhere! Today (on the 14th) at night I also saw a dream close to temptation; society of men and especially noble women; I was invited to a table in some very important house, but important people and ladies dined first, I was asked to go after; I come and see spider webs over the rye bread lying uncut on the table, and a spider, calmly continuing its work, scurrying its webs over the bread. Where did my niece Lisa come from, and with her hand, at my remark, she tore the nets apart. One St. Petersburg bathhouse attendant told me in confession a terrible sin that happens in bathhouses with high-ranking officials - counts and princes (the sin of Sodom). Oh Peter! Peter! And the children’s bath attendant [...] was a tool, they gave him money for that. Ugh! Nasty! Enlighten, Lord, the eyes of their hearts. Sunday. I thank the Lord for His immeasurably great mercy towards me during matins and early mass in the Assumption Church, especially during mass at the beginning, then after the great entrance, and even earlier - before the Cherubim and at the end of it, when I stole the dismissal. The waves of Belial killed my soul, I did not see light, peace, freedom, life. But the Lord granted me deliverance, and I saw light instead of darkness, life instead of death, space instead of tightness, freedom instead of bonds, peace instead of confusion. I praise the Lord. Possessed Nadezhda again tormented me after mass; I easily cast out demons from other women with the grace of Christ, but not from this one. What is the reason? In me or in her? I thank the Lord for his help during the christenings in the half-tower (until I saw and drew my heart’s attention to the baptismal scarf), during prayer services, especially in Bykov’s house upstairs. Misfortunes, illnesses, misfortunes, losses of property, or relatives, or members of the body happen providentially - in order to turn people from sin and earthly vanity to God, to virtue, from worldly addictions to eternity. What would happen to people who are rich, happy in the world, noble and happy in everything, if there were no sobering or striking blows? They would forget themselves and consider the earth to be their fatherland and forget about heaven. And illnesses and misfortunes, blows, losses remind us of the vanity and transience of all earthly blessings and teach us to seek constant good - God, virtue, eternity. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for His wonderful, omnipotent help during the liturgy in delivering me from the temptation of the devil’s fierce, secret anger against Father Deacon Nicholas for being lost in thought and forgetting to serve the censer after the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts. I soon learned the machinations of the enemy, rejected the malice of the devil, justified the deacon’s father, and the Lord delivered me from the deadly poison. Then, when I met (Arseny Ivanovich Dodonov) at the takeaway with Father Pavel, I was unjustly upset with him for not waiting for me, and again the poison of the serpent killed my soul, but again, through repentance, the Lord delivered my soul from death and granted peace and life. I thank the Lord for the numerous mercies of deliverance from temptations in the afternoon and after vespers at prayer services in Kuskov’s house, at Coralli’s, at Yakubovsky’s, at a memorial service in Coralli’s house. I thank the Lord for the expulsion by His grace of the fierce demon (which tormented for twenty years) from the servant of God Tatiana, the wife of the church elder from Gavan (in St. Petersburg). She screamed and struggled terribly - three of them could barely hold on; shouted: “I’ll come out,” and after reading the prayer and laying on the stole, she calmed down and fell asleep. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near... [Matthew 4:17]; The Kingdom of God is within you [Luke 17:21]. You are children of God, members of the Church, members of the body of Christ, you are churches of God, churches of God. He who did not spare His Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also freely give us all things with Him? [Rom.8:32]. A prayer service to the dressmaker; to Green at eleven o'clock; letter to Prokudin-Gorsky; telegram to Golovina. My strength is in communion with Christ and with His Church, with all the saints, with the Mother of God and the whole multitude of those who have pleased Him from the ages (I myself am a sinful, unworthy man), in communion with the triumphant and even militant Church, with its hierarchy and all its good members who pray for their brethren, for the members of the Church of God. Glorifying the saints of God every day, I partake of their grace and help in temptations and in the fight against invisible enemies and become terrible for the demons who deceive people and torment them (people). I am especially terrible for demons and salutary for people who believe and ask for my prayers through the grace of communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. Glory to Christ God, Savior of all. Glory be to You both through me and from me forever and ever. Thank You for everything that You have created and are creating in me and through me. With a special appetite, or greed, I ate meat soup and meat at home (albeit a little), and through this I lost the grace of prayer: my heart became weak, extinguished, cooled, hardened; I could not pray peacefully and freely with the St. Petersburg guests (three merchants, or tradesmen, and a woman). I sinned against the Lord. I wholeheartedly thank the Lord, who delivered me from being carried away by the enemy’s malice during the mass against Father Deacon Nicholas, who tried to give a censer after the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, and against Father Pavel, the rector, when carrying the body of the gardener Arseny Dodonov from his dacha outside the city to the cathedral (who did not wait for me to start). Again I let the exclamation on the road speak. (I didn’t express grief, but inside I only had it involuntarily.) Be, O priest, a many-eyed Cherub, seeing from all sides the machinations of sin and the enemy and always seeing God before you, His goodness, holiness, truth, power, wisdom, and a six-winged fiery Seraphim, flaming with sincere love for the Creator and for everyone, ready to fulfill all His commandments and commandments. During an early mass, because of the sexton Bystryakov, I endured a terrible, hellish shooting and scorching in my soul: Satan completely enveloped me with his fiery jaws; I was embarrassed, scorched, put to shame by the effect of his anger in me against the sick sexton, who had secretly disappeared from the church and left Degtev to perform mass (his voice was extremely unpleasant). I tried in my soul to excuse him, and the devil did his job - he presented his act in the darkest form, as pride, as sloppiness, disobedience, disdain for me. I barely got rid of his jaws with extreme difficulty by the grace of Christ. The Kursk landowner and his wife were involved - perhaps because of them, because of their sins, a terrible struggle due to the envy of the devil: the landowner had seizures of epilepsy - falling illness. I thank the Lord, who finally delivered me completely from the fire of hell and poured the dew of grace into my heart. I thank the Lord for my ability to keep myself in the circle of high-ranking officials. But at the Greens and the countesses I drank too much, and at the gymnasium it turned out badly in the first grade: I didn’t prepare the lesson myself and didn’t know it. Read from Exodus (Bible); the tongue didn't work well. I repent to the Lord. I thank the Lord for his help in serving prayers. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the grave temptations that are being pushed against me by opposing forces because of the passions that are rooted in me: self-love, contemplation, voluptuousness, pride, ingratitude, carnality, voluptuousness, laziness, negligence, self-righteousness. Many times the Lord delivered me from the teeth of the hellish dragon through a prayer of repentance: at the beginning of mass, at the Great Entrance and after communion with Kovrigina Paraskeva and others. Because of the ugliness of her upper lip, I despised her, this venerable, pious, meek, gentle old woman, devoted to God and to me with all her heart; I could barely, with the deepest repentance, get rid of this devil’s trap, from complete defeat and shame. Everything in me is a lie, a filth, an abomination; every day Belial, the primordial enemy of God and a murderer, forces me to do his evil, nasty, dreamy, destructive will in spite of the holiest, most blessed, wise, perfect and blessed will of God; daily teaches hostility, malice, material lust (lovingness and love of name), lust, pride, impatience, contemplation, delight of the flesh with decaying beauty (away from carnality in all forms!), in order to only cool the soul towards God - the First Creator, the First Beauty, the First Sweetness. I thank the Lord for his help in serving prayers and memorial services at home (two) after a preliminary prayer to the Lord for help and deliverance from the temptations and malice of the enemy. The adversary does not allow me to speak short hymns to the Holy Trinity, the end of the Gospel and prayers and resists me with fierceness until I overcome him with fervent secret prayer to God. Oh, poor people, unfortunate people! How cruelly they suffer from the malice and deceit of evil demons! I noticed this malice and their deceit both in myself, and in people possessed by demons, and in people possessed by the passions of greed (and I) and carnal love! How they torment and torture people! Oh Lord! Turn the hearts of all people to You alone, the source of our life, our eternal peace and bliss; grant us to be stripped of malice and all worldly addictions that destroy us. Precede me, O Lord, everywhere, Thy servant. My glory, I glorify You everywhere, the life of all, the shrine of all verbal beings, wisdom, strength, light; You are in me, and may I abide in You, according to Your word [John 6:56], for the sake of Your life-giving and terrible Mysteries, of which I am a daily participant, although unworthy; glorify me for Your sake, make me wise, sanctify, beautify, enlighten me. So I go to Your people, who are looking for You, demanding from You through me various help - help me in the matter of philanthropy and prayer, help them all, help them and me with my hand, my sincere prayer in everything; Hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, as it is in heaven and on earth [Matthew 6:9–10]. Thursday and Friday. I thank my many-merciful and quick-to-obey Lord Jesus Christ, the Giver of Life, who saved me many times both in Gatchina, where I went to see the Lord Chamberlain, and in St. Petersburg: there from contemplation and inclination towards voluptuousness, here from bitterness and secret contempt for two simple pious women Alexandra Vasilievna and Paraskeva Petrovna (before visiting Mr. Strelbitsky, general); and on another occasion in Kronstadt, at the communion of the sick Nikolai Malmström in the house of Nazarova, before whom invisible enemies did not allow me to pronounce prayers and praises at the end of the prayers, which came from my anger at my servant Evdokia, who laid down the bad matting that had blossomed, for which I stumbled. The Lord accepted my repentance and fervent prayer and had mercy, granting me peace. On the evening of the twentieth, at the chamberlain Mikhail Nikolaevich Prokudin-Gorsky, I prayed well, sincerely, unhindered, in a clear voice I sang, spoke and read, and the next morning in the prayer room on the ground floor - in an unclean voice and clogged with tobacco air (Mikhail Nikolaevich smoked in the bedroom); the devil stopped me, wounded me, confused me, killed me, but the Lord, in the carriage, through my secret, fervent, repentant prayer, came and delivered me, calmed me down, consoled me, and expanded my heart. And the day before, when I gazed at the pleasant face of his wife and, due to the action of the enemy, was stung by carnal sweetness and then diligently repented in secret, the Lord had mercy on me openly and gave me a tearful prayer for the coming sleep, and she calmed me extremely, and I slept the sleep of the righteous. I thank the Lord, who gave me grace before all the people whom I entered in St. Petersburg. Grant, Lord, grace to Your people, all who seek Your help and Your blessing, Your revival. Stretch out Your mighty hand for various healings according to each person’s need. Saturday. Morning. I glorify the wondrous mercy of God, revealed in me in these minutes (eight o'clock in the morning) after my tearful repentant prayer for the forgiveness of sins and peace of my soul. The Lord soon bowed down to mercy, seeing my sincere repentance, and gave me peace and space of spirit. Glory to You, Lord, Most Merciful! After mass, which began at ten o'clock in the Duma Church. During the Liturgy, the Lord, by His mercy, accomplished in me, for my repentance and prayer of faith, the greatest salvation from the all-destructive, all-killing wiles of the devil. Oh, what a difficult test it was for me: I was completely absorbed, as it were, by a mental whale or serpent - and suddenly I was saved, received freedom, peace, boldness for the entire service. He did everything without stumbling, he took communion and gave communion to others sincerely. Sunday. Matins and early mass (instead of Father Klepachevsky, who served late mass for me, and the night before all-night vigil). I thank the Lord, who has been good to me today from morning to evening at all church services and at home during acute temptations from disembodied enemies, breaking their horns in me, constantly [...] and heavily goring my many-passionate soul. How many deceits of the enemy and how many mercies of God - obvious, quick, life-giving, successful! How subtle are the enemy’s machinations! Through the most empty trifle and through one instant passionate thought, he easily confuses, wounds and kills my soul, fills it with shame, fall, death, and if it were not for the Lord, the all-good, all-powerful and quick helper and deliverer, then what would have happened to me, the accursed? My soul would have entered hell long ago; I would have perished under so many and such enemies! At a memorial service without a deacon, it is especially hard for me, the adversary especially oppresses and amazes me, driving vain fear into my soul and brazenly tearing the words of prayer out of my heart and lips. I almost always remain in shame, and only through subsequent deep repentance will I receive God’s mercy and peace in my soul; I have no love for the souls of the departed, cursed, out of greed, I neglect them, like one of little faith and unfaithful. God! Teach me to love the departed and always sincerely pray for their souls and to see in them all the vanity and futility of everyday cares, all the absurdity of our everyday passions. Love, grant me love, which is the fulfillment of the law [Rom.13:10]. Like tigers and hyenas, my sins and passions attack me every day, they confuse me, they hurt me, they tear me apart, they put me to shame, and I fight with these worst enemies of mine, who are intensifying to cut down my life, to deprive me of what is most precious in the world - God and His grace and life, His righteousness, His love. O Lady, who erased the head of the serpent by the One born of You, in Whom alone sin had no success and not a single foot after sanctification by Your Holy Spirit! Completely erase the power of sin in me, consume its manifold, countless charms in me, teach me to despise the flesh and the world, which passes away, but be diligent about the immortal souls 28 . Glory to Thee, sovereign Conqueror of all-filthy hell! Destroy all the sinful gimmick in me. By the grace of Christ and the prayer of repentance in secret, I especially triumphed over the invisible enemies who fought me in the shop of Vasily N. Golubev in Shlyakov’s house in the evening at six o’clock. Glory to Your power, O Lord, and Your prompt obedience and kindness. Remember, Lord, everyone by name who turned to me in writing or in person with a prayer for Your manifold help to them, O innumerable Grace! For I cannot answer everyone, remember everyone by name, or intercede for each individual, for there is a whole regiment of them. Give to everyone, Lord, Your goodness according to the faith and need of each, so that they may glorify Your most holy, wonderful and rich name, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, our God, and rejoice in Your salvation and in Your wondrous, quick, life-giving, wise, gracious mercies. I commemorate the greatest mercy of God, revealed on January 22 after the removal of the body of Nikolai Malmström from the house of Nazarova (bindery), when at the litia the evil demon, with his usual fear, began to attack me and falsely wounded me. After the final farewell to the gates, I began a decisive struggle with the enemies and to repentance and diligently calling on the name of the Lord and was awarded the resolution of debts, mercy and peace of God after a fierce struggle with the tormentor the devil. During early mass, the Lord performed miracles of mercy and power in me, delivering me from the fierce demonic machinations. During the Cherubic Song and after until the end - tears of tenderness. Before the communion of the laity, when reading prayers, there is a sharp temptation and then the nails of the devil in the heart; after the victory over the devil, the greatest boldness at the prayer service at the Morozovs and the unfaltering, sincere service of the prayer service of the Blessed Water. When reading or hearing praises of high-ranking and low-ranking clergy, I, accursed and unworthy, feel secret envy and humiliation of them and their virtues. Bad quality. We must exalt people and rejoice in their virtues and thank God for them and about them, who is glorified in them, for they are His vessels, His members, His gifts within them: God acts all in all [1 Cor. 12:6]. I thank the Lord, who cast out many demons from the servant of God Natalia in St. Petersburg on Cossack Lane, who was terribly possessed. How she calmed down after expelling them! How she came to me in feelings of gratitude! How she kissed me! How the next day she came with her husband to accompany me to Kronstadt! How grateful I was! What a meek lamb the lioness has become! I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me for my sincere repentance in St. Petersburg and saved me from the disastrous anger towards Alexei Vasiliev and partly towards Paraskeva Kovrigina! Friday. I thank the Lord, who clearly began to save me from the morning service from various demonic snares before the reading of the canon and during the reading, then before the liturgy in the Assumption Church and during it and after it (hesitation of the heart after communion and when saying the prayers I believe, Lord, and I confess), then at prayer services and unction (artel worker Peter Titov had a serious temptation from sleep). At the prayer services before and after Vespers, the Lord miraculously saved me from the enemy’s fierce machinations (especially from archivist Tikmenev, Mikhail Evfimov and Evdokia Agafonovna). Oh, how close the Lord is to those who call on Him with all their hearts in sorrow and spiritual distress! The prayer service of Ivan Tikhonovich, a relative of Evdokia Lukinichna, was served successfully with the help of God; after the prayer service when boarding the sleigh - prodigal thoughts and movements; secret repentance on the road and in Mikhail Evfimovich’s apartment in front of the icons on his knees; pardon; successful prayers in peace of mind. Glory to the Lord alone, but shame on my face, a sinner. Saturday. I cannot help but betray into reverent memory today’s miracles of God’s mercy and power, shown to me during Matins before the reading and during the reading and singing of the canon, and before early, and during, and after early mass, when the Lord mercifully delivered me from cowardice and the storm of demons (regarding an unexpected other mass, which Father Peter Klepachevsky came to serve at the beginning of my mass, and Father Deacon began to rush me to that confused, and I began [...] to rush). Before communion, the communicants and communicants could not say prayers; It was difficult to read the prayer behind the pulpit with gaps. Before consuming the Holy Gifts, the Lord completely pacified and healed my soul. Glory! To give communion to Coralli; send tea, books, [handkerchiefs] home. Read in the Gospel the words of the Savior about the qualities of the human heart; From the heart come evil thoughts, adultery, fornication, false witness, covetousness, flattery, blasphemy, the evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness [Matthew 15:19] - and tell me with your conscience, is it possible to love yourself, is it possible to follow your heart? Shouldn’t we certainly hate ourselves, reject ourselves, despise ourselves, not follow our hearts in the least and follow the heart of God, the will of God, the truth of God in the most precise way? May man deny himself - a moral monster, a monster, a madman, an adulterer, a proud man, a wicked man, a covetous man, a covetous man, a money-lover, an evil man! Sunday. And this day was for me the day of the greatest mercies and strength of God in me: during Matins, I was upset with Father Paul about recording him in the income book regarding me, then with Degtev (for his unpleasant voice); then many times during Matins, early mass, and at various prayer services during the day, and at Glyasfeldt’s christening, and at Gulyaev’s prayer service. At Glyasfeldt’s christening, Satan raised a terrible temptation against me because of the scarf (what a stupid addiction to beautiful decay, to a rag! Oh, the lust of the eyes, oh, the passion of love and amorousness!). Is this absurdity, stupidity, this madness lacking for me, a priest, the performer of the heavenly Mysteries, and among other things, the Mysteries of Baptism, rebirth, and adoption of our incorruptible, eternal, invisible God? O great and heavenly Mystery! How I insult you with my loveliness, which is so destructive for my soul, as it separates me from God and arms me against Him, our first life, and kills my soul! At Gulyaev’s prayer service, in the moments of the devil’s horns, the Lord, through my prayer, performed a miracle of salvation, peace, freedom, boldness, strength (and in other places). Glory to the Lord! What is especially absurd and painful in sins is that we combine, willy-nilly or unwillingly, with the devil, God’s and our enemy, who has the power of death, with his ugliness, absurdity, death, with his rebellious spirit and we enter into involuntary enmity with God, with the Mother of God, with the entire spiritual light world! Deliver, Lord, every person from all sin! In You, O Mother of God, rested all the goodness of the Lord Jesus Christ, all His holiness and truth, all His immeasurable love for His rational verbal creatures, all the speed of His salvation and mercy, all His condescension and long-suffering towards us sinners, and we always call on You, according to God first, in sorrows and illnesses and temptations. Do not reject us, sinners and weaklings, but always precede us and deliver us from all evils, Thy well-behaved and God-fearing servant. For one day I did not serve in church and did not partake of the Holy Mysteries - and I became weak in spirit and conveniently began to be overcome by evil spirits in prayer, not having the strength to utter words and praises in prayers, for the evil demon, the blasphemer of the boundless and terrible greatness of God, is disgusted by our praises due to the Lord our God, and he constantly raises his evil horns at us in prayers. I gratefully and reverently thank the Lord Jesus Christ for quickly hearing and helping me in my temptations, sorrows and rapes from fierce and insidious demons before prayers and memorial services and during these very prayers and memorial services (behind the theater, with officer Lastovoy). Please, Lord, to completely crush the demonic, destructive, insidious fortress in me. I thank the Lord, who healed the mental and physical illness of the servant of God, the maiden Ekaterina (Stepanovna) Lavyrva, who in the summer was brought by her mother to church to pray for the sick woman and who was passing through and invited me to pray. She was healed from two or three times of prayer. I thank the Lord, who delivered three female persons from the devil’s torment – ​​a girl and two women; the last one is Maria, who suffered from demonic possession for seventeen years; The demon is stubborn and did not give in for a long time; impudent, insolent, tormented her terribly; screamed unusually loudly. After Vespers, I was healed from prayer. The Lady Theotokos healed her with Her all-powerful prayers. (Stretch out Your hand... 29 ) At Vershinina’s I could not serve a prayer service because of a glass of sherry, drunk on an empty stomach in one house: the devil had bound my heart and tongue. The guards officer was healed of epilepsy through our prayers; General Roman Ivanovich Bazhenov from Revel, brother of the famous Alexander Ivanovich Bazhenov, informed me about this. Roman Ivanovich’s wife Anna is sick with cancer. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy that were revealed to me personally while traveling in a railway carriage (second class) after a secret prayer of repentance (a feeling of hostility towards Paraskeva Kovrigina), then in the apartment of the industrial engineer Reshetkin (out of grief at Alexandra Vasilyevna for not removing her feet when leaving the carriage), also after a secret intense prayer before the icons in the Reshetkin’s bedroom, and for miracles of mercy in two demoniacs - Mary and Elizabeth; and today the Lord delivered me at the entrance to the gymnasium from a heavy feeling of hostility towards the beggars who were chasing me. Oh, my evil will! Oh, my evil and greedy, selfish, envious heart! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to say prayer with boldness in many homes in the presence of various persons of every rank and status. Grant, O most merciful Lord, the fulfillment of all our requests for salvation, surprise Your countless bounties on everyone who comes running to You and asks You for Your great and rich mercies, soul and body, for time and for eternity, for the sake of the prosperity of everyday affairs and for the sake of the greatest cause on earth - the salvation of souls redeemed by Your honest blood! Wake up! The church pulse beats firmly and vitally, as I have learned and still know, and in the Church there are many sincere believers, simple Christian souls who disappear for the salvation of God, ready for every good deed, for every self-sacrifice for the sake of God and their neighbor. Glory to the Lord, who gives the faithful His Holy Spirit, and keeps [oh] with the Holy Spirit, and kindles, and quickens, and enlightens. Having heard in me the grace of God, acting savingly in believers, many, many turned to me with requests for prayers and supplications to the Lord Almighty for the healing of various ailments and the removal of countless evils and for the direction of everyday affairs on a favorable path. Do, do, O Lord, the will of those who fear You, who believe in You and who, according to Your faith, turn to me, the unworthy! For You are the Father and Provider of all and the Builder of life and incorruption, the Guardian and the Liberator from the evil, and from You all, all good comes, temporary and eternal. Amen. Saturday. Without serving the Lord in His church for a day and a half due to a trip to St. Petersburg, I became extremely weakened in spirit: during Matins I read with extreme difficulty due to the devil’s confusion and tightness (horns), at the beginning of mass before the Great Entrance too; then through prayer and tears I became somewhat stronger, my voice cleared up along with my heart, became firmer, purer, and after communion of the Holy Mysteries I was completely renewed and strengthened, my voice became very loud, my spirit was vigorous and strong. Glory to the Lord, who reveals His invincible power in weakness! While serving prayers in church and in houses, I was extremely tempted by invisible enemies who embarrassed me with every trifle; I was especially embarrassed by the anger and pride of my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova, this stumbling block: she does not tolerate the word of truth in reproach of her or Anna’s servant, what I said, she gets into a quarrel; she really, really confused me with her devilish spirit; but when I returned home, by God’s grace and strength she humbled herself and spoke to me, and so did I, and I felt at ease! (Britnev’s doubles for the prayer service confused me...) At Vespers he sang with delight; after Vespers prayers and christenings he performed (after secret prayers of repentance when embarrassed by enemies) calmly and firmly (with officer Nikolsky); The prayer service at the Shvedovs, at Pyotr Onufrievich’s, is very firm and calm and pleasing to God (because it is sincere). Thank God for everything! The Lord brought me to be a spectator of the terrible torments of demons from which the demonic of both sexes suffered (I sent one terrible one back), and to cast out demons from people through prayer. Oh, terrible malice! Oh, terrible torment! But glory to the name of the Lord, terrible for demonic power! How gratifying it was to see the unfortunate ones healed by prayer and the sign of the cross with which I beat the adversaries! They came out foaming from those possessed by them. What a rebellion is in me, what hellish cramping they, adversaries, do, how often they spoil, kill the spirit of prayer, cut, scorch, butt unbearably! Sunday. I thank the Lord, who showed me omnipotent and immediate help during Matins and the early liturgy in the fight against demons and my passions (either at the prosphora server I was offended and upset for the empty tops of the prosphoras, then at the rector for his mocking and evil words in the income book: “The devil is tormenting, I must reprimand,” he wrote at the beginning of it; then various other little things, reasons), and after mass in the church and outside it, in houses, the Lord showed me a wealth of salvation despite the multitude of my stumblings. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of salvation in me in the apartment [M...] after a secret prayer of repentance before the holy icons in the sin of hard-heartedness, greed and stinginess towards the poor. I thank the Lord that I brought great joy to the mother of the family - not me, however, but the grace of God that is with me. It was terribly difficult for me to baptize in the gatehouse after Vespers, and my voice was terribly rattling, and the devil was terribly annoying. I thank the Lord, who opposed the evil power of demons with His all-goodness and delivered us from great and difficult temptations (during mass, I was secretly offended by the sexton for singing Mercy, open the doors for us. And we must breathe this prayer, like Lord, have mercy). After Vespers, the adversary stopped me at the funeral service, especially during the dismissal, which he could not pronounce, but after the funeral service he loudly pronounced the dismissal before the royal doors without any obstacle, boldly. God bless! This is how it should always be. I thank the Lord for his help during prayer services in houses, especially at Ovidov Nikolai I. There were many deliverances from the Lord during matins, during mass and after mass. Evening. I thank the Lord for the countless mercies of deliverance from the wiles of demons and from my sins throughout the whole day, and for every good success in prayer I thank my Lord with all my heart, and for the health of soul and body. I thank the Lord for the consolation sent to me from the Athonite monk Eugene (formerly Euthymius). I thank the Lord for the great, countless powers and bounties, mercies and salvation that were revealed in me during Matins and the early liturgy and after it, also before Vespers itself, to which I came worried because of the poor, and after Vespers, also when I was tempted because of the poor. Friday. I thank the Lord for the countless salvations manifested in me both in church and in homes (requiem service at Coralli, christening in the house of Chausov), for success in the service of Matins, Liturgy (I served the Liturgy without stumbling, with tenderness, the entire pulpit, the dismissal of all loudly, boldly). Conviction of my insignificance, weakness, extreme sinfulness and of the goodness and mercy of God. Thank you for your intense private prayers for people at home and in church, for the words of advice and love to those who come, for everything comes from You, the source of good things, Lord! Matins and especially mass were for me a time of grave temptation and struggle, especially the time after communion of the Holy Mysteries, when the crafty and all-evil enemy overcame me through my gluttony with grief at the prosphora for the loose lamb prosphora. Because of the loose prosphora, I blasphemed the most heavenly, life-giving sacrament, fell away from Christ and His life, was embarrassed, put to shame, inflamed with hellish fire, and fell into terrible oppression. For a long time I begged the Lord in every way, and when I consumed the Holy Mysteries after long agony and repentance, I calmed down, but then again I soon fell into cramped conditions, and it was not good in the gymnasium; However, in the third grade it was good. It was pretty good in Oranienbaum; Arriving in Kronstadt, I prayed fervently in Zakharov’s apartment on Galkinskaya Street before his all-night vigil and served the all-night vigil victoriously and majestically. At the funeral service at Coralli, many times the Lord saved me from the fierce attacks of ethereal enemies; Olga Mikhailovna Sidorova was saved many times by the Lord from embitterment towards the people who came to her and towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina. Today, during Matins, the Lord delivered me through the prayer of all-powerful repentance from a terrible spiritual misfortune - from the malice of the devil, which wounded me regarding Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky, teaching the deacons not to obey me. And then the Lord delivered me many times during Matins and early mass. On the evening of February 11, in Nikitin’s house in Spitsyn’s apartment, I served a prayer service for the St. Petersburg newcomers very peacefully, freely, without stumbling. Thank the Lord! Today after mass at the prayer services, until I drank the wine, I served well the grace of Christ, and when I drank, I felt heavy, confused, and vulnerable. Wine is harmful at the wrong time. We make the sign of the cross on ourselves as a reminder, among other things, that if the Heavenly Father gave us His only begotten Son for suffering and death, how will He not give us everything with Him [Rom.8:32]. At S. Burachok’s christening, I read the prayers all calmly, with feeling and dignity until I saw the silk scarf assigned for me, and as soon as I saw it, I was immediately embarrassed, hurt, weakened, died in spirit and could not read the prayers out loud. That’s how harmful addiction is to something earthly and perishable, that’s what love means! This is the spirit of Satan, the Antichrist! Earthly passion is the complete opposite of Christianity, whose goal is to raise man from corruption to incorruption, from death to immortality, from carnal to spiritual life, from sin to holiness, from earth to heaven, from the idolatry of passions to true life-giving worship of God in spirit, in truth [John 4:23]. The more beautiful earthly things are, the more contemptible they should be for a Christian, for example, gold, money in general, precious stones, silk, velvet, sweet foods and drinks, beautiful faces, beautiful things, because the heart conveniently clings to them and falls away from God and is at enmity with God and neighbor because of them. It is a great blessing for an ascetic Christian, striving for eternal life, not to have anything of his own, not to become attached to anything. Oh, what enmity against God and one’s neighbor and against one’s soul, against this image of God, which must forever be united with its Prototype! You have to be very careful about drinking wine so as not to drink it at the wrong time. Having drunk a little of it, I can no longer serve God and my neighbors without stumbling, but I become exhausted and dejected. I thank the Lord for the miracle of God’s mercy and power in the apartment of the housekeeper of the Palkin Hotel in St. Petersburg before the prayer for the healing of the baby (the Lord delivered me from demonic malice). I thank the Lord for the miracle of the heartfelt affection towards me of all the countless residents of the capital whom I visited in the Lord, and for the opening of their treasures for the benefit of the poor. The Lord heard and accepted my frequent and tearful prayer for the House of Diligence, which was at its last poverty. Sunday. Conspiracy. I thank the Lord, who opened before me the doors of the hearts and homes of the inhabitants of the capital, and who gave me the grace of prayer with them and for them, and who opened their treasures in favor of the poor of the city of Kronstadt. For almost a whole week I traveled from house to house in St. Petersburg as a result of invitations to pray, and six hundred rubles were given to me. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform a prayer service without stumbling at M. O. Britnev with the blessing of water at nine o’clock in the evening. He said his prayers loudly, with boldness, without stumbling. Evening. I thank the Lord, who, by His ineffable mercy, showed me the greatest salvation and help during the service of all-night vigil and early mass in the Assumption Church, when grave temptations embittered my soul (Alexandra Ivanovna Tretyakova for a debt not repaid to Olga Karpova (Athos)): failure to pronounce absolution, Christ, Light..., proskomedia verses and prayers proskomedia, release. From hell the Lord truly brought my soul into the light. Then, after mass at the prayer service, the devil greatly wounded my soul, paralyzed my prayer with thoughts about money (a covetous thought!), and for my repentance the Lord healed me again, especially after being strongly wounded at the prayer service at Gervais and the Makhovs. I came to church to venerate in repentance the holy throne of Him who has the power to forgive sins and deliver from temptations, and I received great and rich mercy. I often notice laziness and extreme reluctance to serve a prayer service or memorial service after a church service and read the living words of the living God in the Holy Gospel. Deliver me from this, O God! May God grant that we meet and see off the Holy Pentecost in peace, health, correction, fulfillment, salvation, and prosperity in everything. Grant me, Lord, kindness, dispassion, calmness, boldness, purity, humility, abstinence, patience, leniency, complacency, non-stumbling. Monday of the First Week of Lent. I thank the Lord, who did not leave me in the grave and acute temptations of Satan and in my weaknesses and who gave me peace, strength, sincerity, fearlessness and boldness in pronouncing exclamations, litanies and prayers and reading the canon. The adversary the devil was extremely angry with Philip Stepanov and partly Father Paul, but with the prayer of repentance and petition I drove him away and was healed from the ulcer that was scorching and killing me. We bear the slander of the adversary. Philip Stepanovich is a reasonable and pious man, and Father Pavel is a meek and measured man. I thank the Lord for the wondrous and speedy salvation after secret, fervent prayer in the apartment of the altar watchman Nicholas (Assumption Church) (I pushed a tall beggar from the platform leading to the church), then along the road on Sobornaya Street (I chased one beggar guy who was annoyingly pestering me) and finally in the Swiss gymnasium (for being angry with the beggars). Oh, how great was God's salvation! The Lord transformed death into life, cramped space into space, confusion into peace, darkness into light, shame into dignity and greatness of spirit. Evening. Monday of the First Week of Lent. I, the accursed one, was granted the greatest deliverance from the Lord before Vespers after secret repentance and falling with faith and hope at the throne of the Lord of glory, for my misfortune was terrible, my oppression and shame, my spiritual powerlessness, demonic fear, cruel death, and the Lord delivered me from all and tore apart the bonds of hell in me. The canon was read fairly well, except for exclamations. With angelic joy, hasten to all praise and service to God, for this is the life of our soul, and do not be burdened, do not become lazy. Out of weakness arises my strength in the Lord: the devil weakens me to the extreme with his wiles, strikes and kills me, and the Lord, leading me to repentance and prayer, grants me forgiveness, justification, freedom, peace and spiritual strength. Glory to the Lord! Completely surrender to the Lord regarding everyday needs, for He Himself promised to give us everything if we first seek the Kingdom of God in ourselves and in people, holiness and every virtue [Matthew 6:33; Luke 12:31]. The thought of acquisition alone kills prayer during it, as well as grief and anger towards someone, secretly, much less overtly, partiality as well, for before God everyone is equal, everyone is alike in the image of God and therefore venerable and worthy of love: love your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:39]. And how calm, and contented, and exalted in spirit is a person who has surrendered to the Lord and does not dream of earthly, earthly, fleeting things! I thank the Lord for his help during the prayer service in General Komarovsky’s apartment in Kudryavtseva’s wing; the enemies fought, confused, tried to overthrow, confuse. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance during Matins from the fierce demonic machinations of anger - either against the sexton because of a mere trifle, the slightest oversight on his part, or against the elder Leonty Neustroyev, as if proud (against whom I myself became proud at that moment). At the end of Matins, saying a prayer to Christ, the true Light, I, looking at Neustroev, was imbued with hostile hostility towards him and therefore became extremely indignant, wounded, confused, darkened, embarrassed and did not finish the prayer and dismissal, and left the church irritated and embittered; He was furious with the beggars, cursing and blaspheming them. It was because of drinking wine at Coralli's (Cypriot wine) yesterday that the enemy overpowered me. I thank the Lord for deliverance from countless demonic wiles during Matins, hours, during the farewell of the sick (F. Egorov, Nikolny, Elisaveta Alex. Nechaeva), during Great Compline, prayers after Compline (in the church and in Korshunov’s house, in Marina Avvakumovna’s apartment). He sinned against the Lord, before the Mother of God, the holy angelic ranks and before all the saints with cruelty and stinginess towards the poor: he hit one, tore another by the hair and pushed him out of the gate, tore the beard of a third. Oh, damned sinner I am! Have mercy on me, God! Correct me, Master! I thank the Lord for granting tender, strong, tearful repentance in the apartment of the painter Ivan Ivanovich Kovrigin (in Bykov’s house) and for pardoning my unworthiness in the sin of grieving the poor and delivering me from oppression and shame. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy and goodness. The Church during divine services is heaven, and not a single earthly, passionate thought should enter the heart and soul of a serving priest or deacon, or even a layman; earthly attachments and sins must be left at the door. Our strength, our prayers, our successes in Christian life lies in the grace of Christ, in the communion of saints, in their nightly prayer for us and in our calling upon them with zeal, humility and repentance. What great, sweet, wonderful joy I received after heartfelt repentance in the Kovrigins’ apartment (Bykov’s house) and tangible unity with the Lord; Moreover, the prayer for the two young women and for the man suffering from drunkenness was successful (Elmanovich), Glory to the Lord, who has granted us repentance in the stomach. Sweet is communion with the incorruptible Lord, our belly. Enlighten, Lord, the contents of the prodigal charm of the man whose dirty and unclean letter I read yesterday (the twenty-second); bring him to sense and punish him. The abyss of love for mankind, the depth of compassion (and our compassion is extremely superficial and fleeting, selfish, selfish) and the goodness of generosity innumerable - our Most Holy Lady Theotokos! She, Offering, is a refuge to the whole world. Let us resort to Her with zeal. I record in my diary the mercy and power of God that were revealed to me on Thursday of the First Week of Lent. The temptations and plagues of the enemy in me were acute and severe because of my intemperance and lack of correction: I was like on coals during Matins, the Hours and Compline (before the beginning and at the end of Compline)! Litany could not speak sincerely and fearlessly, I concealed many words, but at the end of the hour, having decided with God’s help to say the entire release, I boldly went beyond the royal doors and spoke calmly, with dignity, the entire release. God bless. At Compline, at first there was a strong fight with the enemy due to the greed of Shlyapnikova’s delicious mushroom hodgepodge and a small share of wine (half a glass). Vladyka Much-Merciful did not say the entire prayer. But the prayer service for all the sick after Compline was served with a warm feeling, sincerely, calmly, with dignity and irresistible strength. The Lord prepared me for this with the previous struggle (during Compline). Prayer services were served in homes, especially at Miturich’s, very calmly and victoriously, with the assistance of grace. How slyly, persistently, and maliciously the enemy the devil catches me! I was walking to Compline at the Assumption Church past the house of Philip Stepanov; he went out; I said hello from the other side of the sidewalk - as usual, he nodded his head lightly, half-removing his cap, and began to flirt with his grandchildren; I considered this to be inattention to me and was secretly offended, although I convinced myself that there was nothing suspicious in his action: a grandfather’s affection for little ones was natural. But because of this, the enemy made a mess, and for a long time I could not get rid of it. Self-love, ambition! I thank the Lord for the countless miracles of mercy and help that were revealed to me on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (the Sunday of Orthodoxy) during the service of the Presanctified Liturgy, during the confession of almost four hundred people, on Saturday during the service of Polyeleos Matins, early liturgy (tears of tenderness, cheerful service, miraculous deliverance from anger towards the old woman Alexandra [Vasilievna] from St. Petersburg after the pulpit noah prayer); I thank you for your help during the service of Matins, the early Sunday liturgy (Anna Gerasimovna [...] according to the robe after the Gospel - I secretly became embittered, struggled with embitterment, grace won). Then I served mass with many tears - the greatest victory of mercy over my sins; At the end of the mass, he was tempted by the fear of losing money from his pocket when giving the kiss of the cross - he got rid of it after a struggle. At prayer services throughout the day, there is the greatest help and salvation from the powerful invocation of the name of God. The early Liturgy on the Sunday of Orthodoxy in the cathedral was served by the grace of God with great tenderness, as on Saturday in the Assumption Church: streams of tears were shed for the Lord; among other things, I prayed to the Lord that His grace would pour out abundantly through me on everyone who would have contact with me and ask my prayers for them, even when I prayed in weakness. In Gulyaev’s house on the mountain in [Dr.] Lentovsky’s apartment (sick in bed), in Shubina’s house (wooden house below), outside the city in Sheremetyevo at prayer services, the Lord performed miracles of goodness and salvation in me, and in many other places. The nature of the demonic temptations: all-powerful, all-witted, all-persistent, all-persistently trying to separate me from God at every hour through the passions and addictions of life: through the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life [1 John 2:16]. But what is more precious than the Lord? What is sweeter than His fellowship? What can be preferred to His eternal, premium, most pure, all-blessed love? Everything on earth passes like a dream. What is dearer to us than the soul - this image of God, the immortal soul? Lord, be with me always! May there be glory to You through me, unworthy and in me, unworthy, always and everywhere! May I be holy and blameless always and everywhere! Wake up! Amen. February 27. What makes a person beautiful? – The image of God, or his immortal soul in the image of God, that is, precisely man’s holiness, meekness, humility, kindness, his pure, selfless love, sincerity, straightforwardness, rightness, goodwill, friendship, mercy, courage, hope, patience and other virtues. Without virtue, even a beautiful person is ugly, unattractive and often disgusting. So, away from all sin! Our strength is in unity with Christ, with His eternal truth and with all the saints and in unity with each other. Strength is in unity. Therefore, whoever breaks the union with Christ, quickly restore this union through repentance and communion of His most pure Body and Blood. The pure in heart will see God [Matthew 5:8]. Oh, the endless bliss of seeing God face to face! So, people, diligently cleanse your hearts with repentance and virtue, prayer, contemplation, labor, and the fight against sins and temptations. Having daily communion with the Church in church services, even while living on earth we live as if in heaven, because we have communion in spirit with the inhabitants of heaven, glorifying their heavenly virtues performed by them on earth, and most importantly, we have communion with the Lord Himself, the Head of the Church, with the Mother of God, with the holy Angels, as well as with all people who have pleased God. How desirable the Church is to a true Christian! I was in St. Petersburg, arriving in Kronstadt only for two hours for a lesson at the gymnasium. I thank the Lord, who gave me grace from all the residents of St. Petersburg, noble and simple, who kindly entered into conversation with me and humbly bowed their knees before the Lord in prayer. Everyone has a great need for grace; there is a lot of faith and humility. There are few shepherds. There are no comforters. The harvest is plentiful, the laborers are few! We must pray to the Lord of the (human) harvest, that He may bring forth the laborers into His harvest [Matthew 9:37–38]. I thank the Lord, who especially gave me the grace of prayer with Mr. Actual State Councilor Alex. A. Kaznacheeva with his wife, where I prayed with special boldness, peace, and without stumbling. I thank the Lord for invoking the name of His Holy and Most Pure Mother, our all-powerful Intercessor. I thank the Lord for material donations for the benefit of the charitable institution and for the benefit of the poor. Friday. Accession to the All-Russian throne 32. I thank the Lord, who performed wonderful deeds of my salvation in me during Matins after the torment I experienced from evil demons, who armed me against the Father Superior for his silent, inarticulate public service. I repented of secretly accusing my brother, remembered my countless sins and humbled myself, and the Lord had mercy on me. Who makes one dumb, or deaf, or sighted, or blind? Am I not the Lord God? [Exodus 4:11]. At prayer services with Bykov in the chapel and N. A Machigina (tears of repentance), the Lord had mercy on me. How many shortcomings, coldness, insensibility, insincerity, lack of sympathy, lack of compassion, fear, cowardice, despondency, suspiciousness, anger, pride, pride, gluttony, love of clothing, vanity, love of money, laziness, negligence in me! After the cathedral mass. I thank the Lord, who performed in me many miracles of mercy and deliverance from the demonic malice that carried away my soul with the greatest violence today during the liturgy. Subject: Father Superior Pavel. The Lord wonderfully changed the face of my soul: instead of anger - love, instead of tightness - space, instead of confusion - peace, instead of death - life, instead of darkness - light, instead of fear - boldness, instead of powerlessness - strength, instead of guilt - justification, instead of devilry - divinity, deification in the Sacrament of Communion. Glory to the Lord! Under the pretext of zeal supposedly for the truth, the evil one draws me to the greatest untruth - to malice, which there is nothing more wicked, more unrighteous, more criminal. God is love [1 John 4:8], malice is the devil. Amen. I thank the Lord for the great deliverance of my sinful and humble soul from the wiles of the demons during Matins on March 2 (Friday) and for giving me strength and boldness to read the canons. I became terribly weak in spirit, having not served the Liturgy for five days. And after serving and partaking of the Holy Mysteries, he was renewed and strengthened. Glory to the Holy Mysteries! Glory to the Lord, who works miracles in the Holy Mysteries! I give thanks to the Lord for my repeated deliverance from demonic machinations during the performance of God’s services in church and in homes (in other places, enemies overcame me for my intemperance at Komarov and in other places). I thank the Lord for the victory over the cunning of the serpent regarding the looseness of the prosphora and the lamb (on Saturday of the Second Week of Lent in the cathedral): he embarrassed me, the accursed one, because of a trifle, and I almost felt ashamed before the church, before the communicants - so subtly, the accursed one, he wrestles with my careless, multi-passionate soul! Sunday. I thank the Lord for the victory over the persistent, deadening and shameful malice of the devil (secret) during the early mass against the officer mechanical engineer Sokolov from St. Petersburg for standing with his children in the altar (and I cried and did not want there to be witnesses to my tears, and was secretly annoyed that they were watching), then in the carriage for the victory over the secret bitterness against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for the one who sat face to face in the carriage. I secretly repented for a long time, condemning myself sincerely in anger towards a man who loved me infinitely, pious, God-fearing, meek, kind, humble, devoted to me with all his being, and the Lord, seeing my repentance and humility, had mercy on me. And how calm and spacious I became in my heart! Glory to God, who listens to secret repentance! I thank the Lord for His abundant grace in me, for the sake of which I am dear to everyone, dear, desired, and for the sake of which I became famous in the ends of Russia. And who is capable of this? [ 2 Corinthians 2:16 ]. You, Lord, and Your hand have done this. You and glorify Your holy name throughout the world, as hitherto I glorified it in my office and secretly in all the places of Your dominion! Grant me to see the backbone, and not the face of my enemies, visible and invisible. The regiments of Heavenly Angels spread glory about me, the indecent (needed only by the grace of Christ) servant of Christ, everywhere. With me, with me, glorify, Angels of God, Christ our God, our common Creator and Provider, so that I, indecent, vile, and unworthy, may worthily glorify Him. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to call on His holy and all-saving name in all the houses of the capital and glorify it. Glory to Your holy name! Hallowed be Thy name in all. May 33 sin be eradicated from the hearts of all Your people, may the power of the enemy be destroyed, may Your Kingdom endure. Amen. God! I thank You, who wonderfully saved me and showed me help during the service of Matins (I repeated the great litany in the first five petitions), then after Matins and sleep at home and insulting the poor in my anger and after my repentance in Ivan’s apartment [...] Estafiev had mercy on me, and in church during the hours he had mercy on me again (after repentance and falling before the Holy Altar). Glory to Your goodness and bounty, Lord! During Compline and after it, the Lord saved me many times when I called on His name. At the prayer services, some were extremely weak in heart from the haze of wine. At the end of Matins, the Lord accomplished deliverance from demonic and human fear, and I freely, calmly, sincerely, with strength said the prayer to Christ, the True Light and release. Glory to the Lord, the Conqueror of the spirits of wickedness. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who destroyed in me the devil’s fierce secret malice (Semgin) and voluptuousness (at the unction of Vera Yakovleva) and other machinations of the enemy. I thank the Lord for his countless help throughout the day, especially at the prayer services after Compline (I served sincerely, boldly, loudly, clearly) and at the prayer service in Bykov’s house and during the expulsion of demons from the raging women Mary and Catherine. Forgive me, Lord, my intemperance in food and drink. God! Help everyone who turns to Your goodness and mercy through my unworthiness and evil mediation, reward their faith in You and trust in me. Lord, hear and have mercy on everyone who requires Your love for humanity and help, and me with them. Amen. Drive away demonic fear from me, Lord! I thank the Lord for His all-powerful help during the service of the Presanctified Liturgy and for defeating the devil’s machinations, which fiercely overpowered me after my former gluttony the day before. I thank the Lord, who gave me grace before the nobles of the world, spiritual meaning and a word for their benefit (from Prince Nikolai Borisovich Yusupov). I thank the Lord, who erased in me the strength of the enemy’s deadly intrigues and my sins during the hours and the Presanctified Liturgy (for children - the care of parish students - contempt and contempt, why do they go to the cathedral - such an absurdity and absurd malice!). Oh, how the Lord comforted me with His omnipotent deliverance from the fierce remorse of ethereal enemies! It is wonderful that the Lord gave me the strength to read the entire prayer behind the pulpit of the Presanctified Mass and break the fear of the enemy. Then, at prayer services, the Lord wonderfully helped me with the temptations of the enemy, especially in Smirnova’s house at the artillery officer’s, where before the prayer service and during the prayer service, the bodiless enemies tormented me like hell with voluptuousness (there was a very beautiful girl of sixteen years old, affectionate and kind). Already after the prayer service, by the grace of God I broke the power of the enemy in voluptuousness; During the prayer service, he was still confused and could not read the litanies and prayers. O voluptuousness of the flesh! And I myself feed and strengthen and scratch it with gluttony and voluptuousness! God! May those who seek You and hope in You and love You not be put to shame in me! Glorify in me Your name and Your power and Your invincible holiness! Grant me shrine, strength and strength! In the beauty of creatures (especially humans: girls, women, boys, men) contemplate the beauty of God, or through the beauty of creatures, see, see the eternal, uncreated, original, unthinkable beauty of the Creator, and with a pure life achieve His vision, for the pure in heart will see God [Matthew 5:8]. The adversary stings me with fear and embarrassment, anger, voluptuousness, greed, vanity and servility, vanity, partiality, contempt and hatred, sleep and laziness, relaxation, anger and rage, addiction to worldly things. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and power during the service of the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts and during the reading of the prayer behind the pulpit, loud, victorious, and also during the reading of the dismissal. Today, during Matins and early mass (five hundred people received communion), the Lord showed me His wondrous and swift mercy several times, reviving me for faith and repentance, killed by my sins. He served Mass with great tenderness and tears, with a feeling of the greatest humility, reverence, gratitude and love for the Lord and poor humanity. But after communion, the enemy found a loophole in me and terribly stung me with a secret insult to the prosphora for the looseness of the lamb (Father Peter Klepachevsky said that it is difficult to cut a loose lamb and that the prosphora does not have the strength to rub the dough well), and thus my greed was mixed up at the sight of the looseness of the lamb: I needed density, roughness, callousness (albeit callousness I turn away), and thus I fell into some blasphemy of the Sacrament and into a lack of faith: I saw, as it were, no longer the Body and Blood, but loose prosphora and an annoying prosphora; I fell away from love both for God and for man and took the side of the enemy, although involuntarily, and for a long time I tormented myself with repentance, strongly repenting, and secretly philosophized according to God; Finally, repentance bowed to the Lord’s mercy, and at the end of the communion of people I completely calmed down. Another time I fell extremely hard while walking home and giving alms to the poor: having given one ruble for twenty-five people, I noticed a crooked beggar who did not want to get his share and was asking for more; I hit him on the cheek and gave him thirty kopecks, but my soul was greatly embarrassed and hurt; I came home and bitterly, deeply repented of my insolence, asking the Lord for mercy, and - oh, philanthropy and condescension! “The Lord had mercy on me, impudent and ungrateful, because how much money they gave me!” – many... Praise the Lord for everything! Sunday. I thank the Lord for the glorious miracle of delivering me from the devil’s anger against Vasily Maksimovich Degtev just because he came to my altar on the eve of Matins in the Assumption Church to ask for confession. Throughout the mass I was fraught with painful embitterment, and barely through repentance I spewed out the poison of anger. This is for yesterday's gluttony and drunkenness at the Markovs'. Oh, damned me! I thank the Lord, who reconciled me and reconciled the innocent man Vasily. Evening. I thank the Lord, who through my secret prayer showed me obvious help in the temptations and embitterments of the devil during prayer services in different houses and who saved me from confusion, cramped conditions, shame and dumbness, who bestowed sincerity and power in prayer. Prayer was especially strong and successful in Shlyapnikova’s apartment and in Kulakov’s house. I thank the Lord, my joy, strength, life, my glory, for the good rumors about the healings of those people who resorted to my, especially the church, prayer to the Lord for help through my humble, unworthy medium: many of them received healing of mental and physical ailments and thank God. Oh, how good the Lord is to all who call on Him in truth [Ps. 144:18]! How close, how strong - for His power has no limits, how life-giving, how comforting, how fast - for faster than lightning it illuminates and burns sins and revives souls and bodies, especially through the life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood, these most pure Mysteries! Glory to Your healings, O Lord, glory to Your name! Glory to Your power! But for me, for me, it is a shame on my face, for I have not yet learned in truth to call upon such an all-holy and glorious name of sin for the sake of mine and my sinful passions, which shame me and often do not allow me to pronounce the glorious name of the Most Holy Trinity, Father and Son and Holy Spirit, for Belial is disgusted by this wonderful name. Cleanse me, O Lord, from all filth of passions and grant me with boldness and a pure heart to always call upon, in every place, before all people, Your most glorified and all-essential name! Grant me all the names of the saints, and those who are in charge and those who are in charge of Your flock, and all the living and the dead, to pronounce with love, without stumbling, and grant me love itself, so that out of pure love it will be easy for me to pronounce all sorts of names, all kinds of prayerful or evangelical words. God! Deign to pour out streams of Thy grace upon Thy people to the glory of Thy name through me, Thy unworthy servant and Thy Mysteries, for I am Thy companion, You are in me and I am in You. Amen. I thank the Lord for notifying me in the newspaper about the use of the money I received from the post office and personally from the people for whom I prayed and am praying. Otherwise it was on my conscience. March 12. Monday of the Fourth Week. In the Mother of God everything is divine, everything is God, according to Scripture: may God be all in all [1 Cor. 15:28]; in other people there will still be, but in Her there is already (from the very conception and incarnation of the Son of God) all of God - She is all divine, and the saints of God are divine, for God rests in them, that is why they carry out healings with the Holy Spirit. Monday of the Fourth Week. After Matins. Before reading and singing the canon of the morning (or the canons of the Menaion and Triodion), I was greatly overcome by my passions and by fierce demons, who embittered me against the Father Superior and the beggars, who demanded a lot, why I strongly repented to the Lord, sincerely reproaching myself for all sins: self-love, voluptuousness, carnality, gluttony, love of money, hard-heartedness and unmercifulness, stinginess, greed, pride, envy, bitterness, resentment, disobedience, waywardness, laziness, negligence, intemperance, gluttony and drunkenness, vanity, idleness, servility and indulgence, lies, untruth, partiality and contemplation, reproach, imitation 34, wickedness, blasphemy, voluptuousness, cowardice, fear of the devil, failure to confess the name of the Lord and the Mother of God and the saints of God, in the omission and reticence of the words of the Gospel and liturgical prayers and doxologies, in the careless performance of prayers and Sacraments, the depiction of the sign of the cross, in the careless commemoration of the dead and in the same service to the living. After repentance, the Lord granted me true rebirth and renewal, peace, silence, confirmation of the heart and the most sincere, expressive reading of the canons. God bless! Abbot Pavel has his own merits, which I do not have! He is always meek, quiet, sedate, even, firm and worthy [...], although he greatly panders to the faulty sexton Dobryakov. I have an abyss of shortcomings and errors. Tuesday. In the morning. I thank the Lord for the greatest and fastest salvation through my whole-hearted and quick repentance of impatience, hardness of heart, pride, anger towards the poor and towards the rector (a fleeting feeling, soon suppressed). This was during Matins, that is, repentance and pardon, and sins before Matins. Sin scorched, oppressed and cruelly tormented me, and the Lord exchanged fire for dew, confusion for peace, cramped space for open space, despondency for cheerfulness and joy. The canons were read loudly, expressively, cordially, solemnly. I thank the Lord, who, through my unworthy, humble prayer, drove out the fierce demons from the servant of God, the maiden Helen, for whom I prayed after Matins together with the people. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest distress and sorrow, fire and shame that befell me for my anger at the poor when I went to Kurmashev’s house to give communion to the old woman Paraskeva. There I sincerely repented of my sins and received peace and great mercy from the Lord. God bless! I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy in the Bykov prayer service after the first before the second prayer service: at the first, the enemy confused me with sins, and for secret repentance the Lord freed me from sins and granted me peace and boldness with justification. Glory to the Lord! It's a shame for me. Thursday and Friday. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and power, the speed and strength of His salvation in a second-class railway carriage on the way from Oranienbaum to St. Petersburg and in St. Petersburg itself when visiting different houses (merchant Nosov, Andreev the furniture maker, Khrapovitskaya and others). I thank the Lord for his especially great mercy in Nikolai Al’s apartment. Oparovsky before the confession of a St. Petersburg woman, the servant of God Elisabeth, the niece of the rich woman Petrova. I was in the sins of irritation with the beggars and hit one of them on the cheek and angrily [...], shouting at them. For secret repentance I received forgiveness, peace, boldness before God and people. Saturday of the Fourth Week. I thank the Lord, who greatly surprised my soul, sinful and humble, with His indescribable mercy during the late liturgy in the Assumption Church, when I was dead by my sins and after secret repentance came to life like a resurrected dead man, and was comforted and rejoiced in heavenly joy, and out of tenderness I let out a river of tears after the Cherubic Song, and I begged the Lord with boldness for all peace and for He sent forth grateful praise to the entire earthly Church about the heavenly Church. Yes, I also begged for all those who demand God’s love for mankind through my unworthy prayer. After mass, he fell into the grave sin of keeping silent about the prayer behind the pulpit due to an acute fear of demons and was delivered by intense secret repentance. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who revived me, killed by my sins (especially gluttony and wine drinking). The Lord again accepted my tearful repentance and sent me a stream of His grace. During early mass, the Lord gave me copious tears. He stole the prayer behind the pulpit, only said the end; stole my leave. It was hard, I languished for a long time, and finally, for my intense repentance, the Lord delivered me from the scorching poison of the serpent. I thank the Lord, who showed me rich mercy after Miturich’s christening in the house of the German school. During the christening, it was terribly difficult for me from the machinations of the demons directed at me because of the scarf; could not overcome, was defeated. The prayer of repentance cleared me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly sting of the devil after a prayer service with the Grechukhins after secret repentance with kneeling. I have a great passion for rags, as well as for animated rags - young faces, and for money, and for food and drink. Sometimes in my soul I am a real idolater: my heart falls away from God, being forcibly led away by the adversary into captivity of passions and uniting with the enemy, falling away from the truth of God and falling into lies. My heart becomes a slave and a dwelling place of corruption (for a beautiful appearance), and neglects incorruption and truth. But grant me, Lord, for the sake of Your love, to hate the earth - the abode of sin and corruption and all unrighteousness - and to love the incorruptible fatherland - heaven and all truth. Everything will be taken away from us with death, except virtue: it is only imperishable and inalienable. Let us be close to her with all our hearts. My soul, created in the image of the immortal God! Why do you love beautiful dust and cleave to it, pitifully falling away from God? Ashes are always dust, no matter how beautiful they are; The very light of the sun, so life-giving for everything earthly, is corruption. So, away with the idols of the earth! The soul does not look at God during Baptism (the performance of the Sacrament), but at the silk scarf (wildly, absurdly!) and because of this, it becomes confused, darkened, tied up, and tormented! God! I thank You, who surprised me with Your mercies during the service of prayers at the Dodon brothers (Kovrigina was chasing along the road, her mouth open, and I mocked her for which I was punished internally with grief and cramped conditions) and at Ivan Petrovich Rudakov after the prayer service. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy in St. Petersburg before entering the rooms of the Greens in the Marble Palace. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His greatest mercy in the apartment of Yakov K. Markov after the all-night vigil, during which I suffered as a result of my insolence regarding a beggar, whom I hit in the face with my hand. I repented throughout the all-night vigil and prayer service. The enemies stung me terribly. There are 35 nail eaters on my index finger, I can hardly write. I thank the Lord with all my heart, with all reverence, for deliverance during Matins on the twenty-first, Wednesday, from the scorching stings of the serpent, and for the cool dew of grace pouring into my soul and body, and for the animated and loud reading and singing of the canons of the Menaion and Triodion. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of prayers in different houses (at Vladimir A. Kolmykov and others) and especially during the service of a memorial service for the maiden Anna in Shebunin’s house; Before starting, I prayed to the Lord to grant me sincerity and boldness in service. So the Lord gave it. He pronounced the three small litanies without stumbling, sincerely, with boldness. God bless! I sinned before the Lord by caressing and touching the young woman Markova, who caressed me with extreme tenderness and love along with her husband’s mother. Lust was stirred to a weak degree, and the seed came out, although it did not pour out. Have mercy, Lord, cleanse, Lord! Cleanse me, Lord! I confess to the Lord His mercies, which were revealed to me yesterday and this day in Peter’s City and Kronstadt at a prayer service with Vyacheslav Nikolaevich. But the nail eater is still preventing me from writing. Damned, I revived passions in myself through constant satisfaction of my taste and belly, I revived in myself sweets, pride, anger, fornication, impatience, laziness. I forget that every satisfaction to the pregnant demon brings me lower and lower, removes me further and further from God, hardens my heart more and more, mortifies my soul. How did I spend my fast? I constantly satisfied my womb, cursed, and neglected my soul. That is why my soul weakened, became lazy, became covered with scabs, I could not serve a memorial service, that is, calmly and sincerely pronounce litanies and dismissals. I thank the Lord, who has surprised me even now with His great and rich mercy in delivering me from confusion, sorrow and oppression and in granting justification, purification, peace and freedom of spirit. For yesterday I thank the Lord with all my heart - for the glorious salvation at Great Vespers and after Vespers in deliverance from secret wickedness and hostility towards the Father Superior. End of Matins on Holy Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest evil of the devil in my heart, aroused against the Father Superior at the evil sight of receiving his incense with extreme importance (as it seemed to me) and a stern expression on his face. I was in hellish fire and oppression and earnestly repented to the Lord of my malice, my wickedness, and my fellowship with the devil. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy that were revealed to me many times during the liturgy on Holy Saturday. The flow of demonic anger towards Father Superior, all of whose actions seemed to me extremely important and proud, was extremely swift, violent, deadly, fiery. I retreated several times to the Peter's chapel and there, in repentance and hope, I touched the life-giving throne with my heart and lips - and several times I was rewarded with deliverance from sins and torment, embarrassment, fire and cramped conditions, [was given] peace, freedom, life and was honored to partake without condemnation of the life-giving Mysteries (during the conciliar service) and to give communion to two hundred Orthodox people with boldness. I drank a glass of porter at Mr. Fishwick's and it wasn't good for my health: it made me want to vomit and give me a headache. My soul has become dumb and unreasonable due to sin and uncontrollably strives for corruption (under the pretext of sweet, beautiful things), for food, drink, for beautiful flesh, for wealth, or for money, for treasures, for beautiful clothes, for honor and glory, and virtue forgets, incorruptibility, eternity, eternal beauty, eternal sweetness, eternal treasures - it forgets God or leaves because of worldly things. attachments. Fourth day of Easter. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy when ascending to the fourth floor of the Bykov house to the Kovrigins: for secret repentance and the prayer of faith, the Lord delivered me from the cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for the cowardly usual fear when uttering exclamations and dismissals at the memorial service for Major General Pavel P. Popov. This time. Another time, the Lord delivered me from grief and distress due to grief at Paraskeva I. Kovrigina for asking to receive the Holy Mysteries on Thursday, the fifth day of Easter, during my liturgy service in the Assumption Church. I repented of pride, contempt, and lack of love, and the Lord had mercy, giving me peace. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the prayer service with Mr. Yakubovsky. Evening. Thursday of Easter. Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. Now I have sinned greatly before the Lord God, before the Mother of God, before the holy Angels, before the holy saints of God and before all people, for on such great, all-forgiven days as the days of Holy Easter, I became extremely angry and bitter with the beggars - especially because they dared to climb the fence made near my (church) garden, in which I walked, dodging the influx of beggars and praying secretly and begging for alms almost at night, when it was daylight. I was scared by the appearance of a beggar over the fence. Then, leaving the kindergarten on the street, I shouted loudly at them with anger and contempt, gave them one ruble for twelve people; then he left, I heard - again [the beggar], and again he asked for alms; I became angry and with great annoyance tore him by the hair, the other fellow too, and very much scolded the beggars with various obscene names. My God! There is no one more voluptuous, more selfish, more lascivious, lazier, more careless, more ambitious, but there is no one, again, angrier, prouder, more envious, more impatient. Poor man I am! who will deliver me from this body of death? [Rom.7:24]. I have sinned before God, before all people! I shouted extremely furiously in anger at the beggars and cursed them with drunkards and other obnoxious names, forgetting that I myself am a sensualist and a drunkard, for I indulge in voluptuousness and drink wine every day. The only sinless and long-suffering Lord, have mercy on me, who sin many times against You at every hour! April 12, 1884 I thank the Lord, faithful in all His words and promises and threats, for He fulfilled all my prayers and those praying with me according to the measure of our faith, and He abundantly consoled and comforted everyone, and I have not been ashamed of anything until now, calling on His wonderful name. Hallelujah! I thank the Lord for his immeasurable mercy when I served the liturgy in the Assumption Church, when I was extremely weak in spirit from immeasurable gluttony in the previous days, walking from house to house with the cross and glory, and when I was suppressed and killed by demonic machinations. It was difficult for me to serve; faith and heart, the dwelling place of faith, went out; I was like a dead man. True, I struggled greatly with myself, but if not for the mercy of the Lord, I would have been completely depressed and killed. After the greatest struggle with sin and the adversary, the grace and mercy of God triumphed, and I was delivered from the jaws of the enemy. I thank the Lord for serving all day long at prayer services and memorial services and for strengthening my heart in God. Friday of Holy Week. I thank the Lord for His indescribably great and rich mercy, revealed in me during the liturgy in the Assumption Church: for deliverance from involuntary anger, at first vague, and then, at the request of the Lord and deliverance and after some continuation of the world, again from the anger defined against Father Deacon Nicholas for awkwardness in serving the censer after the performance of the Holy Mysteries, and after mass and after the laymen kissed the cross from anger at Alexandra Konstantinovna, the widow of the Duma secretary, for not kissing her hand, then at home against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who came with the sick. I endured a terrible struggle with invisible enemies today at the end of mass during the fragmentation and after the fragmentation of the Holy Lamb, which turned out to be very loose; annoyance and hostility toward the prosphora bowl appeared, and faith in the Sacrament seemed to waver. Oh, impudence! Oh, ignorance! Oh, blasphemy! Oh, greed! I dreamed of being filled materially, and not spiritually, with spiritual, heavenly, life-giving Bread (the essence of spirit and life [John 6:63])! Oh, carnal, devilish lust, and not spiritual, Christ’s! And I fell from the spirit of Christ, from His love and meekness, Christ God, and was filled with torment in abundance! My soul was extremely darkened, confused, agitated, disgraced! With barely intensified repentance I got rid of hellish oppression and shame and, having said prayers before the communion of the laity, I gave them good communion. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in the evening from extreme distress and shame from the demons who tormented me for my sins against the poor: I hit one on the church, although it didn’t hurt. The Lord accepted my tearful repentance and had mercy on me, giving me peace. I thank the Lord for his help and deliverance during the service of prayers in different places and for all the mercies that I cannot even count. I thank the Lord: I am nothing - He is everything in me; I am one sin - He, only He is my truth; I am weakness - He is my strength; I am a sinful shame - He is my holy glory; I am corruption of every kind and kind - He is incorruptibility and eternal life, He is my way, He is my door. March 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 Every day in St. Petersburg. I thank and glorify the Lord, who performed wondrous miracles of His mercy and power in me and through me for many all these days, from morning until late evening, who repeatedly delivered me from the murderous machinations of demons, who, through various passions, attacked me and tormented me, especially on the thirtieth day, on Friday, at the beginning of Matins (he saved me from hellish crampedness and spiritual weakness) and during the hours of the liturgical service (service according to Mikhail Neustroev), who saved me from the terrible consequences of anger: hellish tightness and scorching fire, shame and hardship. Throughout the entire service, Presanctified Mass and funeral service, I was terribly sleepy, I almost fell. After the service, thank God, I rested for an hour at home and refreshed myself. Oh, Compassionate, Quick to Hear, My unashamed Savior, Lord, glory to Thee! I thank the Lord, who has enabled me to call on His holy name in the houses of high-ranking residents of the capital, although in others not without embarrassment due to my inherent timidity, and who has given fruit and success to our prayers and who has not put us to shame out of the hope of His mercy. I thank the Lord, who has made my name famous everywhere, and especially in the capital. Not to me, not to me, who am a great sinner, but to Your holy and glorified name be glory, glory, glory forever [Ps. 113:9]. Amen. March 31st. Without communion of the Holy Mysteries for a week, I was extremely exhausted in spirit and body, I did not have true life in myself, according to the word of the Lord [John 6:53]. I have always experienced this, and especially this week, with constant trips to St. Petersburg and back. Glory to the Holy Mysteries of the Divine, immortal and life-giving Mysteries of the Lord! I thank the Lord for the greatest mercies He poured out on me during Matins on Lazarus Saturday in the Peter and Paul chapel and then at prayer services in three places. Saturday. Today, at the end of mass, I was subjected to the most evil and murderous machinations of disembodied enemies - a stupid desire to see bodily, and not spiritual saturation in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, for in my soul I was upset at the prosphora bowl because the Holy Lamb was very loose (“and thank God” - I would have to say to myself, for everyone should not be looking for ordinary saturation here, but spiritual, Divine), and now the Holy Lamb became for me as if not by Body and Blood, [...], for in an instant the greed and slander of the enemy changed my heart for the worse, and I got stuck completely in the enemy’s nets, was embarrassed, ashamed, darkened, weakened in heart, died spiritually, became not myself, could not say prayers. I believe, Lord, in the end and Thy Supper is everything from beginning to end and then. And this is during the entire time of communion and after until the end of the mass and prayer service to the Mother of God. Already after all the people left the church and after intense repentant prayer, the Lord had mercy on me for my repentance and delivered me from the machinations of the enemy, from blasphemy against the Holy Mysteries. And all this for my intemperance, for the enjoyment of food and drink, and especially for the careless, impatient confession of one hundred and eighty people yesterday: I finished confession by nine o’clock. Oh, how the enemy insultingly and horribly, deadly laughed at me! Throughout mass, and earlier throughout matins, I was extremely weak and sick in spirit and body, cold in heart! O Divine Body and Blood! How guilty I am before your shrine, your truth, I, unrighteous and sinful! I thought that everything would go well for me and the Lord, as the most merciful, would forgive me everything, but the enemy is not asleep and is catching me with all his might, how to destroy me, how to disgrace me, make me dumb and disgraced in the eyes of the people, how to deprive God and give me the upper hand to him, the adversary, which he did today after my very communion! Oh, how I was deceived by the enemy under a seemingly fair pretext: to see the being of the Bread and the Lamb as dense, and not loose. From now on, let me be zealous about the subtlety of the Holy Lamb and about abstinence in general, and not about the rough saturation with the flesh of the Lamb, and let me leave the prosphora alone! How much I suffered before the opening of the royal doors and the removal of the Holy Gifts to the people! How shamefully he was captured! How poisonous and deadly was the sting of the enemy! How I writhed before and during and after teaching the Holy Mysteries to the people! I thank the Lord, who granted me indescribably great mercy during the service of Matins and early mass, especially mass, which I served with great tenderness and abundant tears; but the enemy later confused, frightened and mortally poisoned me at the end, and after mass, and during parting words for the sick, and at prayer services, and especially at the baptism of a baby at Nikolai Vasilyev, a Smolensk fruit grower (after the christening, intense prayer saved me from the fierce demonic intrigues and cramped conditions). I thank the Lord, who consoled me with good news from Prince Yusupov about the recovery of his daughter Zinaida, the servant of God, Countess Sumarokova-Elston. We all prayed for her. I thank the Lord for the victory of His mercy and power over the fierce machinations of the demons in me and over my sins, especially before the Sacrament of Baptism at Gavrilov Pavel (in Novaya Pavlovskaya Street), and before prayer services, and after them, and during their performance in different places. At Gavrilov’s, before baptism, I mentally abandoned the silk scarf that flattered me in favor of my niece Elisaveta, a girl, and calmed down, and kindly performed prayers and supplications with boldness for many. Glory to the faith of Christ, glory to the mercy of the Lord, who conquers all our sins and all the cunning of the hellish beast! After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the fierce torments of hell that befell me for my anger at the poor and for omitting the absolution and prayer to Christ, the true Light, and at the beginning of Matins for omitting the litanies at the Midnight Office. Then, at home, the Lord saved me twice from the great inner turmoil and sorrows that befell me for being angry with my wife. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His wondrous mercies during Great Compline and after it during the service of prayers on the mountain (house at the hospital) and in Anna Gerasimovna’s apartment (Bykov’s house). If the Lord does not apparently hear our prayers, it is because during prayer itself we serve the idols of our passions or are absent-minded and do not listen to our own prayer. On Good Monday. I, the accursed one, dared: I ate whitefish, sardines with black bread, Russian porter and wine at home with greed, and for this I was terribly punished the next day, both at Matins, and especially before the Presanctified Liturgy and during it: the serpent of the abyss completely swallowed me, and only an all-powerful prayer of repentance after the first Gospel on the clock (I deliberately entered the Pokrovsky altar) with a heartfelt touch to the holy altar saved me from complete misfortune and shame and dumbness. I could not read the first Gospel due to terrible cramped conditions and embarrassment. I finally got rid of my enemies through final communion (consumption of the Holy Gifts) at the end of the entire service. Wonderful is the power of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord: only by their all-redeeming life-giving power did I get rid of hellish tightness, hellish fire and shame. So you can get fed up! Oh, how evil intemperance is! How absurd are our passions! While reading the prayer behind the pulpit, the devil confused and confused me with secret anger at Father Superior Paul for his wrong actions in reducing the salaries of the church watchmen. Will my anger correct evil? Isn't it love, isn't it prayer from a loving heart that will incline his heart to condescension and mercy and change his heart to goodness and generosity? Great Tuesday. The Lord performed in me in the evening, at nine o’clock, in the apartment of the sailor Mikhail Evfimovich and Evdokia Agafonovna, the greatest miracle of mercy and salvation. Driven out of patience by the multitude of beggars begging for alms, I got on the droshky and set off towards the Summer Garden and thought that the beggars had lagged behind me, and, before reaching the Summer Garden, I got off the droshky and walked on foot, looking around to see if they were coming; They caught up with me, asking for handouts. I became angry with them and began to revile them with my heart, calling them accursed and other blasphemous names; finally he gave two of them fifty kopecks, and the other one forty and two twenty kopecks. But my soul was greatly indignant and shocked, irritated; the thorns of sin burned and pierced me; I was ashamed of my sins, I was ashamed to look at people. Arriving at the indicated apartment, I began to repent before the holy icons with all my heart, with faith and trust in the mercy of God, and - a wonderful thing! - He begged the All-Merciful and came to life from the dead: the Lord gave tears of tenderness, forgiveness, justification, peace, silence, freedom, boldness, space. Glory to Thee, Lord! Glory to You! Glory to the change of Your right hand! I thank the Lord for the victory over the invisible enemies of prayer in Kolmykov’s house at the memorial service for the shoemaker Alexandra. For a long time the enemies confused and butted my insides, finally I dared in the Lord and defeated them, pronouncing separately the exclamations of the litanies and dismissal. Glory to the Lord! Heavy snow fell in the night, and it snows in the morning. Yesterday it was especially hard for me before the snow: there was some especially heavy pressure on my body and soul. The weather was bad in the larynx - my throat was hoarse. After Matins. April 4. Glory to the Lord for the miracles of mercy and salvation performed in me by His goodness many times during Matins through the prayer of repentance and after falling to the holy throne and kissing it (stichera, wonderful stichera, I sang sweetly, loudly, solemnly, glorifying God’s mercy for the sinful wife who anointed His most pure feet with precious myrrh). Great Thursday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me during Matins and early mass, at which there were eight hundred communicants and many people stood even in the altar. The Lord delivered me from deadly cramped conditions and gave me peace and space with the greatest tearful tenderness: streams of tears flowed from my eyes. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, the bodiless, subtle and all-evil enemy - the devil, killed my heart with grief at the prosphora bowl for the looseness of the Holy Lamb, and the Holy Lamb seemed to become not a Lamb for me from demonic delusion. I was confused and difficult, but the Lord managed to defeat the enemy with undoubted faith in the words of the Lord and in the action of the Holy Spirit, transforming bread into the Body and wine into the Blood of Christ, and in the truth of the words of the Lord much and incomparably more than in my feelings corrupted by sin and passions, and I calmed down by this. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the painful feeling of unclean lust when looking at the breasts of my virgin niece and who granted me deliverance and peace. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the miracles of His mercy during the all-night passionate vigil, during which the twelve Gospels are read: I am delivered from contemplation, lust and bitterness and am at peace. I thank the Lord for the inexpressible mercies that were in me during the great all-night vigil with the reading of the twelve passionate Gospels, for the victory over the machinations of the enemy. Great Heel. I thank the Lord for His greatest mercies to me during the reading of the twelve Gospels at Matins and during the hours, and during prayer services at Vehovsky’s, then at the customs official’s and at Bykov’s in the room. The litanies make it clear to everyone that we have nothing of our own, but everything comes from the goodness and mercy of God, and therefore we must ask Him for everything. My damned life is full of all kinds of sins. God! Be merciful to me, a sinner. Edom is eating me, the serpent murderer, he is ready to eat all people with his malice. So it attacks everyone, especially the pious, meek and humble. I thank the Lord for healing by the power of grace, the power of His name and the life-giving Mysteries, which I received at the Liturgy and renewed me, killed by my sins. And I was severely bitten by invisible enemies during mass, as they said yesterday in the demoniac: let’s go bite people. What I could not do yesterday, being a sinner, I did today, justified, cleansed, whitened by the grace of the Holy Mysteries, the Holy Spirit. God bless! The adversary the devil eats people every day in different and varied ways: he eats with carnality and gluttony, gluttony and drunkenness, he eats with conceit, vanity, pride, he eats with ill will and envy, he eats with malice and irritation, anger, rancor, malice and gloating, he eats with guile, he eats with fornication and voluptuousness in various most disgusting forms, eats with laziness and negligence, drowsiness, eats with doubt, embarrassment, fear and absurd fear that it instills in a person (for example, during a divine service, or in response to tests, for example, students to superiors and mentors, or in a meeting of people, when we need to speak the truth, and yet we remain silent out of fear); eats with despondency, cowardice, despair, eats with deception and deceit, eats with theft and extortion, bribery and the desire for bribes; eats with the love of money and worldly love of life and other innumerable sins; eats with absent-mindedness and coldness towards God and people, towards prayer and good deeds; eats with stinginess and hardness of heart, eats with nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts, especially during prayer; eats with villainy, murder, robbery, robbery, arson of human habitations, eats with willfulness, disobedience, disobedience, eats with attempts at suicide. How many treasures of wisdom, goodness, love, and wondrous power of God are hidden in the Cross or in the sign of the Cross! He is an ever-present preacher, loud and incessant, about the eternal truth of God and God’s love for the human race perishing in sins, he teaches to crucify our flesh with passions and lusts, he teaches about the immortality of the human soul, about its image and likeness of God and its infinite value, he teaches about eternal life and eternal Judgment and eternal execution of unrepentant sinners, he teaches mutual love, he teaches the infinite wisdom of God, who wisely accomplished the salvation of mankind through the incarnation, life, suffering and death of the Son of God. How pitifully man has fallen and become completely darkened, and how he has perverted his strengths and aspirations! Before the fall, he directed all his mind and all his heart and all his will towards God, Who created him and Whom he breathed and lived, Whom he was comforted and enjoyed, enjoying His goodness, wisdom, beauty, light, His incorruptible food and spiritual drink. But after the fall, deprived of direct communication with God and His sweetness, he sadly began to seek bliss outside of God, in corruptible and fleeting things: in food and drink, in the gross pleasure of the flesh, in voluptuousness and carnal passions and lusts, in an elegant home, in beautiful clothes, in shiny things, in the vain honor of this world. He replaced the food of the Heavenly Father with the food that pigs eat; he completely surrendered to corruption, plunged into corruption with all his feelings, despising or forgetting the Kingdom of Heaven prepared for him from the foundation of the world [Matthew 25:34]. I thank the Lord for the miraculous healing of the servant of God Nikolai Al. Machigina Divine and life-giving Mysteries. Fomino Sunday. I thank the Lord for His prompt salvation of my repentance before the prayer service and after the prayer service on April 13, Friday, in the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleinikova from the devil’s secret anger towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, of which I immediately secretly repented, condemning myself completely in the absurd anger that involuntarily seized me, but violently. I thank the Lord for the success of His grace during the service of prayers and during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism on the mountain with the merchant Krylov. I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic tormenting intrigues before the liturgy at the cemetery for the servant of God Pavel Petrovich Popov, during the liturgy and after it and after the liturgy for the dead in the cemetery (at the request of the laity) and for my mother, for my father-in-law and mother-in-law, for the servants of God Konstantin, Alexei, priests Gregory, John, Deacon Parthenia, John, Olga, Alexandra... when, due to the stumbling of invisible enemies, I could not pronounce litanies and dismissals and was extremely disgraced and embarrassed. Comforted in my soul. Through the secret prayer of faith, the Lord delivered soon, when I secretly prayed and repented to the Lord, sitting on a cab and driving to the city. Glory to the ineffable mercy and good obedience of the Lord, His compassion for me, and speedy deliverance, and the resolution of all my sins. After mass and prayers (from eleven and a half o'clock in the afternoon). I thank the Lord for his omnipotent help during the liturgy, for the tears of tenderness, for his help during prayer services. But in one house on the mountain the devil scolded me greatly through one beautiful woman, stinging me with carnal lust; He tormented me for a long, long time. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the bad involuntary lust that tormented me and for giving me righteousness, peace and freedom of spirit. I thank the Lord for the double miracle of mercy in me in Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleynikova’s apartment before and after the prayer service: for deliverance from the devil’s secret anger towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, and for accepting my secret repentance, and for justification and peace of mind. Monday of St. Thomas Week. Evening. Today, at a christening in the Smirnovs' house (at a merchant's), I was subjected to terrible wiles of the devil because of my addiction to a beautiful silk scarf (beautiful ashes, educated by the art of an immortal artist - soul -). He wounded me, set me on fire, tormented me, shamed me, embarrassed me, oppressed me, killed my adversary, that I could not say prayers, stopped, started again, missed words and whole tirades, and barely finished. After the completion of the Sacrament, I immediately began to repent strongly before the Lord of my idolatry, my love of love, my worldly fusion, my falling away from the Lord, my heartfelt madness. And the Lord, invincible in goodness, accepted my repentance, but completely delivered me after two more prayer services - in Ekaterina Stepanovna’s apartment (Korshunov’s house) and at Grigorovich’s (Ton’s house) - in the Duma guardhouse at a memorial service. The whole world is not worth one immortal human soul, for it is in the image of God, but I put it in fact lower than beautiful dust, I insult the Spirit of God, who gives us life, breath and everything [Acts 17:25], I fall into slavery to corruption, lies, I combine with the source of corruption and death - the devil, who has drawn all humanity into lies and sin and death and skillfully and insidiously turns away from God. Do you not see in every thing skillfully made by the hand of man that the soul is the mistress, and not the slave of the substance from which they are made - countless good and useful things? Be above matter, and do not obey, do not slave to it, soulless, perishable, disappearing, non-existent. Tuesday of St. Thomas week. After Matins. God! I thank You, who created in me a miracle of mercy and salvation during Matins, when I, in crampedness and spiritual distress from secret hostility towards the Father Superior for his incorrect orders or complete lack of management in necessary cases, cried out to the Lord in repentance for salvation and the change of my heart from malice to goodness and deliverance from the fire of hell and crampedness. I thank the Lord for the wonderful change in me, for the transition from death to life. Thank you for the life-giving reading and singing of the canons, stichera, and sedals. Worldly addictions, pleasant food and drink, and love of money kill love for God and neighbor in the heart. Therefore, if you want to love God and your neighbor, consider everything in the world, everything worldly, material, as nothing, as if it does not exist, so that you may gain God [Phil.3:8]. I do not rejoice with those who rejoice, I do not weep with [...] [cf. Rom.12:15]. Do not envy your neighbor in anything earthly, for everything earthly is unworthy of man: heaven, incorruptible blessings, and the Body and Blood of the Son of God are assigned to man as his inheritance. But we are blind and envy even our own in empty things. The grace of God, perfected in my weaknesses, 36 suffices me [2 Cor. 12:9]. Christian! Move to heaven, have nothing in common with the earth, but sweets, food and drink, love of money, addiction to clothing will be alien to you. Glory to the new glory of the Holy Divine life-giving terrible Mysteries of Christ, the communion of which raised from the bed of a serious illness the servant of God Countess Zinaida Nikolaevna Sumarokova, née Yusupova. Glory to the Lord, who has glorified me, unworthy and indecent, with Himself. Doctors declared Sumarokova’s disease incurable, and Mr. Botkin was at their head. “You are our rival,” the German doctor told me when we were sitting together in front of the recovered countess (twenty-two years old), with a beautiful and kind face. April 22. Sunday of the Week of Myrrh-Bearers. I thank the Lord for his constant help in visiting persons of all ranks in the capital and for his help in prayers; I thank you for glorifying His name in prayers and for confessing His holy name. I sinned before the Lord in Kronstadt with extreme kindness and repeated touching of women and mine to them, although I tried to remain dispassionate. Great is their love for me in the Spirit. God! Forgive me for what they and I have sinned in this love, do not allow it to turn into carnal and voluptuous, unclean, corrupt, alienating from Your holy, incorruptible love. Invisible enemies are cunning and insidious. Sunday. Evening. I thank the Lord for twice saving the house from grief over sister Anna, a prosphora-eater, and in a room at the Petersburg Hotel against an annoying woman, Paraskeva Petrovna, through a prayer of repentance. If it were not for the Sacrifice of Christ and if it were not for the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries, I would have perished in my sins and the world would have perished. Liturgy is the ever-continuing redemption of the world. Wonderful Sacrifice! Comprehensive. God! Repel the hands of the impudent, voluptuous, and inquisitively encroaching on the property of others, Thy servants Anna and Elizabeth, who live with me. I thank the Lord for delivering me, a multi-passionate sinner, from sins, passions and lusts and for helping me serve God’s services in church and in homes, especially at Brown’s. I thank the Lord for the wondrous and all-powerful deliverance and pacification and help during mass and after mass (the demonic machinations are fierce and terrible, deadening) and during the prayer services in Bykov’s house (chapel) and in the apartment of Zakhary Ivanovich Sidorov (sorrow for the fact that they did not give enough money for the prayer service in Bykov’s chapel; I condemned myself for this absurdity, and the Lord had mercy wonderful). I thank the Lord for his good obedience during the celebration of the liturgy on May 1 (Tuesday) and for the prayer behind the pulpit, which I said loudly and aloud. The enemy's deadly storms during the communion of little Mitya (the son of the janitor of the Shubinsky house), grief at him, why they often bring it - he is four years old; then, after mass, a poor, half-blind girl comes up first from the Shubin house - why does she come up first: grief due to the partiality of sin and the calculation of worldly things, while before God everyone is equal, for all are still in the image and all the same members of Christ and the Church and members of each other. Then, at the prayer services, the enemies stopped me with fear that my family would steal the money for the church and the House of Diligence, they tortured me terribly, but with the prayer of repentance I got rid of them and was healed (before the prayer service in Rusanov’s house) and served cheerfully, sincerely, and at Vishnyakov’s in Pesochnaya Street (his house) he served completely without stumbling and sincerely - thank God. The enemies were driven away by the grace of the Holy Spirit. Oh, how unfaithful I am, love-loving, not heaven-loving, not God-loving, but material-loving! When will I go through the immaterial life, the spiritual? After all, God is every treasure for us. The love of God and neighbor is terribly hampered by worldly love, a loving life, worldly addiction, which is in me to a strong degree, constantly slows down and hinders my soul during all kinds of public and private prayers! God! Give me an enlightened search of my heart [Eph.1:18]. The sacred law of creativity (the creation of children of the human race) is always cursed by the enemy! How it degrades and turns into desecration such a great deed through our dissolute voluptuousness! O righteous God! How did the enemy appear so boldly in Your Kingdom? How did people become enemies of You, our God? How does he make me an enemy of God and saints, sometimes not allowing me to pronounce hymns and prayers and the names of saints in prayers and absolutions, and an enemy of people in power, not allowing me to pronounce them? I glorify God’s immeasurably great mercies to me today at the beginning and continuation of Matins, especially during mass after communion, when the bodiless enemies stung and killed my soul with grief at the prosphora, that the crust of the Lamb fell away. Remembering the various church services I performed in homes and in church, I realize that many errors, shortcomings, omissions, omissions, omissions occur from passionate embarrassment, fear and false shame, or greed, or grief at someone, or contempt and pride of the devil, or from partiality and contemplation, and I condemn myself sincerely before God and humbly ask and contrite forgiveness. I always performed proskomedia hastily, often restlessly, with a broken heart, irreverently, insincerely, not with the love appropriate for all members of the Church, that is, for the glorified saints, for the living and the dead; When performing church services, he often did not pronounce out of false shame and fear of demonic litanies, exclamations, prayers, often repeated, as if bored with their content, so important and sublime, necessary for every day and hour. There were many shortcomings in my ministry. I humbly ask the Lord for mercy and help in the future and for integrity in serving all kinds of people of God, especially ardent love for God and neighbors and perfect sincerity and undividedness of heart. At the farewell of the sick girl Olga (in Smirnov’s house, Shkiperskaya Street), I prayed insincerely, with a split heart: my heart was not with the sick woman, did not sympathize with her lovingly, sincerely, but was passionate about food and drink (I did not have dinner until nine o’clock in the evening). And in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, the enemy incites me to mortally seek in the Holy Lamb certainly density, not looseness and sponginess, and bodily saturation, and not spiritual. Oh, blasphemy against the Holy Mysteries! Oh, the grief of the Lord and God of my life! My Redeemer! The essence is spirit and life [John 6:63] They should tell us the Holy Mysteries, and not bodily saturation! During late mass, I was four times in the teeth of Belial and suffered terribly, and the Lord took me out of them just as many times through my fervent prayer for my repentance. The Lord sent me His light and His truth [Ps. 42:3], and I knew in my heart the absurdity of the enemy’s suggestions and disastrous hobbies (all the looseness of the prosphora). Remarkable is the story of the spiritual daughter of the maiden Elena (delivered through my mediation from evil demons) about the appearance of two demons to her in the form of two fierce men, who ordered her to take off her cross and throw it, which she did, as she threw the icon of the Savior into an unclean place. Sunday. I sinned against the Lord and before the Mother of God, before all the Heavenly Powers, all the saints and all people, by becoming angry early in the morning, at six o’clock, with the beggar boys who came to my corridor importunately for the usual alms. I repent, I sincerely blame myself for not keeping the word of the Lord and not following the example of His meekness and gentleness. (I pushed them down the stairs with anger, quickly and almost knocked them over, almost knocked them over. I sinned.) After early mass. I suffered for a long time from this sin, shed many tears and sighed. Woe to me who sins! But infinite mercy overcame my sins! Glory to the Lord! We chase the shadow and leave the truth itself; we chase the ghosts of sweetness, beauty, glory - and leave the true beauty, sweetness, power - God; we chase after perishable treasures - and leave the only Treasure, incorruptible, eternal, life-giving - the Lord. Is it reasonable? Looking at yourself or at many others apparently praying, you ask yourself mentally or others: do I want, do they want, or do they want the Lord to hear me and them? For our own attention to prayer is so little or sometimes not at all. Human! Pay attention to yourself if you want God to listen to you. I thank the Lord for the immeasurable mercy shown to me before the service and during the service of mass in the Duma Church: He delivered me, through intense, tearful prayer, from embitterment and the cruel consequences of anger towards the beggars who bothered me with begging - such as from the consequences of gluttony and voluptuousness that happened the day before. It was extremely difficult and shameful for me: the coals of hell were burning and the thorns were goring me, the accursed one, shame covered my face. Only after communion of the Holy Mysteries did I come to life and calm down. Glory to the Lord! And at the royal prayer service after the late mass, I was terribly sleepy - I barely survived the prayer service, and even during the mass I felt extremely sleepy. I slept little at night and went to bed late. On the afternoon of May 6th I fell asleep and corrected the matter. Twelve and a half o'clock at night, May 7th. I thank the Lord, who has now performed in me, through fervent secret prayer of repentance for my anger towards the poor, a miracle of His mercy and a miracle of His power in delivering me from spiritual death, hellish sorrow, oppression and shame and in giving me peace and joy, space and boldness. I often sin before the Lord in that I do not believe the tearful requests of the poor youths and imitate them with bitterness and contempt (for very often, I think, they ask from me and often receive, and I envy them, they receive alms from me, while they have nowhere to take it except from me). I repent, I repent, I repent, Lord, Lord, Lord! Have mercy on me. After mass. (It was seven o’clock in the morning.) Due to many and serious torments from the devil because of the money, allegedly or actually not put into the mug (twenty-five rubles), I became extremely agitated and deadened in spirit during mass, shivered, broke down, was in convulsions, as if possessed, and barely before the communion of the Holy Mysteries I managed to calm down somewhat and be healed after an incredible effort of repentance and secret confession of my sins. He was finally healed at twelve o'clock in the afternoon after new prayers of repentance. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the terrible jaws of Satan. Evening. I thank the Lord, who, through my prayer of faith and heartfelt repentance, placed in me the mountains of the devil’s machinations, which suppressed my soul and body during the liturgy: earthly addictions squeezed and stung my heart, killed my soul and did not allow me to sincerely, peacefully, freely pour out my soul before the Lord, and now, through all-powerful prayer and forcing myself to repentance in the name of the Lord, I got rid of the machinations enemy, and it became so easy for me, and I served with boldness. After communion, while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, I was again embarrassed by the awkwardness of Deacon Nicholas when giving the censer and did not finish reading the whole thing, and stole the dismissal, but during the prayer service I again made an extreme effort through the prayer of faith and repentance to get rid of the wiles of the enemy and in the name of the Lord and His power I again broke the power of the enemy in myself, and at the prayer service I read the Gospel with boldness and strength, and then he expelled, also by force, from the unfortunate corrupted fierce demons. Then he served prayer services in the houses of Popov and others. At Popov’s, with great boldness and unfailingly, but after his appetizer, after greedily eating cod pie and a glass of sherry, my heart became coarse, intoxicated and exhausted, confused. And how peaceful and divine it was after consuming the Holy Mysteries! Oh, greed is harmful, destructive to the soul! Only later, after several prayers, I overcame the pregnant demon and began to pray without stumbling. On the way to [...] sins confused me and oppressed me - again a new effort of secret prayer, repentance and faith and again deliverance in the name of the Lord from sorrow and oppression. Wonderful is the name of the Lord, pronounced with faith or secretly invoked with zeal. Oh, how many sweet deliverances the Lord has given me today! At Britnev’s prayer service at nine o’clock in the evening, God’s help to me was obvious! Glory! Glory to the God of mercy and bounty! I thank the Lord, who in the morning (in Oranienbaum) consumed my cowardly grief and sadness for the lost excellent good silk umbrella ([...]), stolen from the station or in the station [Oranienbaum] in the morning (when I was sleeping on a bench in the third class), and at mass I found pity, but it passed with reflection and prayer. Today, during mass (according to Mikhail N. Neustroev) in the Assumption Church, the Lord performed in me many times the greatest miracles of salvation, when I, little or little prepared, served the Liturgy with my heart covered and completely killed by aphids (the prosphora was loose, not thick; the money was three rubles, given with a note from those who came). Truly the Lord delivered me from death and gave me life, delivered me from the addiction to corruption (bread and money), which kills the soul and deprives me of prayer, love for God and neighbors, and bestowed impartiality and exaltation and health of soul and body. Oh, how passionate, weak, sinful, and earthly I am! Saturday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and deliverance during the liturgy (according to Neustroev Michael) and after for the repeated miracles of reviving me after being repeatedly killed by Satan. Oh, how fierce and deadly are the temptations of the adversary and how sweet and life-giving is the salvation of the Lord! How sweet is the world of deliverance! How great is the joy of salvation! Glory to the Lord! Saturday. I thank the Lord for the wondrous salvation of me, a great sinner, on the ship at half past four in the evening right before the pier in St. Petersburg, through my secret prayer of repentance. There was talk about the visit of the Grand Duke to the Solovetsky Monastery in 1843 and there was one monk in it, whose cell was very poor and not swept, and the monk himself was simple and unlearned, but of a high life, and I secretly despised him, thinking: “Could something good and sound words come from him for the benefit of the soul of the Grand Duke? - having despised in him both the soul in the image of God, and many years of experience, and the grace of the Holy Spirit, given to everyone by the great-gifted God, for each of us has been given the grace of the Spirit for our needs [Eph. 4:7]. It was for this secret pride and contempt that I was secretly punished with sorrow, oppression and shame, and after repentance I was forgiven, pacified in my soul, and consoled. Glory to the Lord, the merciful and merciful and beneficial! I thank the Lord for the indescribable secret and obvious miracles of His mercy, performed in people of different ranks and conditions, who turned and are turning to me in letters, telegrams and even in their thoughts with a request for my unworthy mediation between the Lord God and them, for I hear and read that many were healed of illnesses after they wrote letters to me, were healed in absentia (Velikanov’s story) according to their faith. I thank the Lord for preparing people’s hearts for the Lord and for me, the indecent one, for arousing in them great faith in the Lord and amazing trust in me, a sinner, for in all classes I met amazing faith, trust, humility, repentance, kindness, helpfulness, helpfulness, generosity, one heart and one mouth; it was impossible not to notice that the Spirit of God united, united, merged them into a single spirit of faith and piety and the love of Christ; it was clear that this is one body of Christ, one spirit, just as you were called to one hope of your calling [Eph.4:4]. Who but God could do this? And the Lord did this with His people for the sake of the liturgy I performed for everyone and the life-giving terrible Sacrament and the offering of the Body and Blood of Christ for everyone and for everything. God bless! Oh, if only the whole world would unite with heart and lips to glorify the Lord! Wake up! Thy ear is attentive to the preparation of their hearts [Ps.9:38]. May our hearts always be ready for the Lord! May all passions and all earthly vanity be reflected from them! I thank the Lord, who all this time showed in me the usual miracles of His mercy through my prayer and my secret repentance, especially on May 25 during matins and early mass and after early mass, when the machinations of the demons held me in a fiery, hellish vice, from which I got rid of after long prayers. Drink wine in extreme moderation when you need to pray: the whole matter of prayer is upset. May 26, evening. I thank the Lord for the indescribable mercies of the Lord, revealed during Matins, Mass (at the beginning, middle and end) and after Mass (for a long time I cringed convulsively, fighting with enemies who hurt me fiercely) in delivering me from fierce demonic remorse. Having consumed the Holy Mysteries in peace, I completely got rid of the 37 demonic excuses (all through malice - Degtev) and was pacified and renewed. After the exam in the sixth grade, I bought a black silk faye for a black cassock for forty-five rubles, and again I was wounded in my soul, and was oppressed, and died; For repentance, the Lord showed mercy at the end of my steamship journey to St. Petersburg. Oh, what the mercy of God was after the terrible cramped conditions! I'm risen! I languished for an hour and a half... In St. Petersburg I talked and prayed very well by the grace of God. Do not be like the evil (the devil), but the good (God) [3 John 1:11]. The devil continually strives to make us like him, but the Lord, who created us in His image, exhorts us to become like Him, the Holy One. Be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God [Lev.19:2]. Learn from Me... [Matthew 11:29]. I have given you an example... [John 13:15]. Holy Trinity Day. In the morning there was a prayer service in the Bykov chapel; everything was going well, but when I thought about the money in my wallet (twenty-five rubles) with passion and was afraid for it, lest the pilgrims (!) would take it out of my pocket, the enemy killed my soul with this thought of passion: I lost peace, joy, spaciousness of spirit, righteousness. The punishment is worthy and righteous: why don’t I count money as dust?.. They brought money to the feet of the apostles, and not into their hands [Acts 4:34–37]. Forgive, Lord, the hardness of heart towards the poor youth. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the hellish sorrow and distress that befell me for caring about money during a prayer service with Bykov in the chapel at nine o’clock in the morning. The Lord required much and strong repentance from me and prolonged torment. Oh, the stings! Oh, hellfire! Oh, terrible thorns of sin! I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy that were revealed in me on the day of the Holy Spirit (May 28) during the service of the Liturgy and Matins and after the Liturgy. Today, the accursed one, I sinned by being angry with the poor: to malice I add malice, to absurdity I add absurdity, accursed one, to hardness of heart - new hardness of heart, to loveliness - loveliness, to sweetness - sweetness, to pride - pride. Evening, twelve o'clock. I thank the all-good and all-powerful Savior, who delivered me four times during the early liturgy and after it directly from hellish temptations and fierce torments through faith, repentance and whole-hearted invocation of His name. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the temptation of the devil in the carriage when I was traveling back from St. Petersburg to the ship. Wonderful is the name of the Lord! God’s salvation is wonderful, quick, life-giving. I thank the Lord for the quick and powerful salvation of me in my temptations and sorrows during and after the early liturgy, both in Oranienbaum (at Bartashevich’s before the memorial service), and during the trip from Oranienbaum (after the memorial service, during which I did not pronounce the litany and dismissal out of demonic fear). I commemorate the greatest blessings to me from my Savior and God, the Lord Jesus Christ, poured out on me on this day during the liturgy and afterwards during prayer services and the expulsion of evil spirits from women (one was thrashing terribly when she was led to me): all three, after reading the prohibitory prayers, calmed down. I thank the Lord for the wonderful and greatest help during the service of prayers with Mrs. Shutskaya and Mr. Postmaster (at ten o’clock in the evening). Before the prayer service, the Lord, through my intense prayer, performed with me the greatest miracle of deliverance and transformation of my heart from dead, confused, oppressed, fearful into living, calm, spacious, light and courageous. Great are Your works, O Lord, in me and with me, and I will repay You for everything that You do in me and with me, Master Lord! I just praise, and am amazed, and thank, and will not stop thanking. Mrs. Gherardi could not serve a prayer service at all because in one house (in the courtyard), after the prayer service, I drank two small glasses of sherry from Ivanov’s cellar (very strong), after which the enemy tied both my heart and my tongue. At the postmaster's apartment, the Lord delivered. Never drink strong wine. The heart’s addictions to earthly things, to persons, food, drink, money, decorations of clothing, housing, and other things terribly cool and kill a person’s soul, turn him away from love for God and neighbor, make him an alien and enemy to God and his neighbors, extinguish prayer, bind the heart and tongue. The same goes for anger at someone, grief. I felt bitter grief today throughout early mass because of the sexton Demetrius of Kamenograd (who, however, today did not give the slightest reason for evil) due to the action of the devil and my evil suspiciousness. I was terribly worried and was in the greatest cramped conditions and oppression; He prayed intensely, repented secretly, shrank, and only before the communion of the Holy Mysteries did he calm down, defeating the terrible scheming devil with the power of Christ. About forty people gave communion. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit very loudly, dismissing the entire Pentecost. God bless! On Friday, June 8, during the service and after the service of early (voluntary) mass, the Lord delivered me from terrible internal troubles, from the devil brought on my passionate soul: I was as if in hell; deliver, O Lord, my soul from the lowest hell [Ps. 85:13]. For a long time I repented, shrank, suffered, drinking the poison of the serpent. Sunday. The Lord performed wondrous deeds of mercy in me today during early mass and after it, and many times, countless times, delivering me from the burdensome snares of demons and from hellish oppressions. How many times have evil enemies attacked me with anger towards some people, for example against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, against Alexandra Vasilyevna (from St. Petersburg) and others! In the chapel (at Bykov’s) I spent a long time fiddling with possessed women (the evil demons are so fierce!). In the evening they made me angry in Ev’s apartment. Petrovna (Anna is tall...). But I repented, and the Lord took away the confusion, tightness and sorrow. Glory to the Lord, I will take out 38 the obedient one! I thank the Lord for the common love of Russian pious people for me and for the glory given to me not because of my deeds! So the governor of the capital capital invited me to his place in Moscow. I'm going on Monday June 11th until Sunday. The grace of God, which constantly saves you, the perishing one, revives the one killed by sins, makes the unworthy and poor a glorious and rich God, value it above everyone and everything in the world, as the only priceless treasure of the Divine; Do not be involved in any sin, but participate entirely in the truth of God, eternal and immutable. Wake up! I spent the entire period between the thirteenth and twenty-first in Oranienbaum and Moscow. I thank the Lord for all the miracles of His mercy, good obedience, deliverance from passions and demonic intrigues, salvation, peace, hope, boldness, which I was honored with on the way along the Moscow railway, in Moscow with the governor and with all the Muscovites with whom I visited and with whom I had, for all their disposition towards me, which the Lord aroused in them; I thank the Lord for the greatest mercies of deliverance and salvation in St. Petersburg; in a second-class carriage on the railway from Oranienbaum to St. Petersburg on June 23 (with Anna Konstantinovna and Liza, her little girl, my niece), I got rid of great cramped conditions and sorrow by invoking the name of the Lord. I thank the Lord for the greatest miracles of deliverance (after Vespers, during the All-Night Vigil) from the destructive wiles of demons (how many times have I gone to venerate the Holy Altar at the Intercession of both Peter and Paul!). The Lord created a wonderful change in my heart, revived, renewed, pacified, strengthened. Glory to Thee, Lord! Monday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of salvation from hellish fire and terrible demonic crowds during mass, before vespers, during it and after it (about the sexton Dimitri Kamenogradsky), at the Semenovs during the all-night vigil, during the all-night vigil in the church (Kamenogradsky on the choir), after the all-night vigil (Kamenogradsky stubbornly wants to serve early mass with me), at the Neustroevs (because of the sexton Kamenogradsky due to my weakness and passion, there were grave temptations all day long, and earlier there were because of Father Paul because of his false word about me - here I was in pure trouble), and the Lord delivered me from all troubles through intense prayer of repentance, and I triumphed over all the intrigues, over all the malice of the enemy. Lesson. Have no grudge against anyone for any reason, even if your neighbor were your enemy, for we are all members of each other and members of Christ, and sin is the seed of the devil; a person overwhelmed by evil must be pitied. What sorrow has not been destroyed by You, Lord, in me, unworthy! I never left You thin and unheard, but always pardoned and saved, comforted. Before the all-night vigil at the Unstroevs, I was in hellish sorrow and cramped conditions, and at the beginning of the all-night vigil, before God, the Lord appeared to us, and earnestly prayed to the Lord for salvation, and the Lord showed rich mercy in me. I came into boldness and perceived peace and space through the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God. I don't know how to thank the Lord. And how many times—twenty or more—the Lord saved me today from the infernal flaming arrows of the evil one! For this I thank, wretched one, the Lord of glory! Until now I have not convinced my heart with God! Hitherto I am passionate, I have no love, I quickly become angry, I become embittered, constantly falling away from Christian love, I am passionate about the flesh, voluptuous, visual, seduced by beauty, selfish, lazy, careless, rebellious, greedy and greedy. Oh, how much ugliness there is in me! When they brought the children to communion, I didn’t like the face of one mother, Vukola Baranov’s wife, and I was embarrassed and died of this sin! Her face is not good, and I don’t like her, I am disgusted in my heart, although she is a meek and kind woman. Oh, ridiculous heart! But this is how sin works in other people too - poor people! We must feel sorry for them all: our hearts are extremely spoiled and corrupted by sin. God! Have mercy on us, cleanse us, change us! Before the early mass, during and after (the water-blessing prayer service by Grechukhina) I was in a terrible vice, the red-hot pincers of hell, and only by the extraordinary grace of God was delivered for prayer and repentance. At Konstantin Vasilyevich Vasilyev’s dacha, his sick wife asked to serve a prayer service for water. Again the vice of hell due to the desire for [instant] gain. Oh, damned self-interest! Disappear forever! Thursday. During early mass today I was in terrible trouble (many communicants were in my spirit): once because of self-interest (due to which I fell away from love for the sexton Demetrius of Kamenograd and fell into a secret murderous enmity), the second - because of greed and gluttony (due to which I fell into hostility towards the prosphora for the spongy lamb prosphora and for small and meager prosphora for the laity). A terrible misfortune was in me, and only through the greatest repentance and faith, falling to the holy throne, did I get rid of the jaws of Satan by the grace of God, which interceded for me. Then, many times during the day and especially in the evening, the Lord delivered me from great misfortunes (Burov had a temptation with communion with money received at a prayer service in the Bykov chapel; a temptation before Burov’s parting words in the evening at ten o’clock). At confession in the evening, deliverance from the Lord was repeated through my secret prayer. The priest always, especially during the celebration of the liturgy, must be all above, heavenly, having nothing in common with earthly dust and earthly pleasures and so-called material benefits: food, drink, money, the beauty of faces. He must be all-encompassing love, in the likeness of the Lord, who loved everyone and suffered and died and rose again for everyone, and should not have the slightest grudge against anyone or partiality towards a person; must be meek, quiet, compassionate, merciful, patient and long-suffering. When you pray to God, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and saints, and at all times, remember that the Lord knows all your thoughts, desires, intentions, the entire state of your soul and your affairs, and do not let this out of your thoughts for a minute and pray and do everything sincerely; Equally remember that your whole heart is open to the Most Holy Theotokos, like a book, and She knows all the states of your soul, like the contents of a book, from beginning to end; Your soul is also open to the holy Guardian Angel and other Angels, like a book, and to the saints of God, since you communicate with them and the Lord reveals to them. So, be holy in all your life, especially during prayer. A great work is the work of prayer, like a conversation with God, like petition, praise and thanksgiving. Before and during the late mass in the church in the choir, the Lord delivered me, through my inner prayer, from the greatest internal troubles, due to gluttony the day before at the Markovs, and then at the end of the mass. And at the prayer service below, invisible enemies completely confused me through the money that was in my wallet, through fear that they would take it out of my pocket. I hid them in [the chest of drawers], but even here I had no peace, and I could not cope with the possessed. And in the evening after the all-night vigil, by the grace of God I was able to. Euphemia possessed and the other two. I thank the Lord, merciful and benevolent, who has repeatedly delivered me through secret repentant prayer from many of my secret sins (in thoughts and movements of feelings) and who has given me the joy of His salvation in every place when I called on Him with all my heart. How gratifying and joyful it was to feel with all my heart the Divine deliverance and the closeness of the Lord to me, His benevolence and quick obedience! I thank the Lord for driving out demons in His holy name from people possessed by them and for giving them health and peace. I thank the Lord for the obedience of my prayers and the fulfillment of them by various persons who demanded my humble prayer for them. Thank you for your faith, hope, boldness, and the gift of prayer. During early mass, I was in a great, serious temptation: once because of the large number of prosphoras, another because they were small (envy of the prosphora maker, who easily makes money and enriches herself; one should sincerely wish well, just like oneself); I was in great confusion and hellish cramps throughout the entire mass, and only before communion the Lord delivered me from the cramped conditions for repentance. Then the Lord saved me many times during the day while serving prayers in the chapel and in different places. I thank the Lord for all the mercies poured out on me, a great sinner, these days in deliverance from the passions of voluptuousness, greed, grief over the belly, contempt and pride. Thank you for accepting my heartfelt repentance. Forgive me, Lord Jesus Christ, who alone is pure and incorruptible, for my involuntary corruption, for allowing a pious woman to caress me a lot and caressing her himself. Forgive me, Lord! Thursday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His goodness and mercy towards me, a sinner, in every place and at every time. Yesterday (Olga's day) the Lord quickly, sovereignly, life-givingly delivered me from my sin after a prayer service with the birthday girl Olga Mikhailovna Sidorova (the shoemaker's wife). After the prayer service I stood and secretly prayed. Oh, how close the Lord is always to us! I thank the Lord for the miracles of deliverance from the greatest oppressions of sin and from the violence of passions. In the first class carriage with Mr. Vladimir Karlovich Sabler and Andrei Nikolaevich Rusanov (because of Anna K. Tsvetkova and sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov), in Nikolai Pavlovich Belyaev’s apartment before the prayer service, both during and after the prayer service, the greatest temptation is all about Anna K. Tsvetkova’s grumpiness and slander. He made the greatest efforts on himself to appease the Lord; He struggled for a long time, was embarrassed, oppressed, struggled and barely overcame some temptation. Oh, flesh most hostile to God and my soul with its passions, with matter, with the blessings of this world! O stupidest heart, which does not understand its eternal benefit and is covered with the aphids of passions! How Satan plays with you! But I thank the conqueror of hell, Christ God, who defeated Satan and his ministering spirits in me! Early mass. He withstood a strong attack, a sharp, caustic, captivating sting of the devil during the preparation of the Holy Lamb (extraordinary looseness, grief at the wickedness of the prosphora bowl, for profit) and during its fragmentation into four parts and during the consumption of the Holy Gifts. He won with the words of the Lord: Do not strive for food that perishes, but for food that endures to eternal life... [John 6:27]. At night the temptation almost happened: eggs and milk at night are harmful for a spiritual person. Then in St. Petersburg at two o’clock I was upset with the girl who stopped me from going to see the sick children; I broke myself, stubborn and wayward, with the conviction that I should cut off my will for the benefit of my neighbors. The third time from a conversation with the widow Anna Ivanovna in a first class carriage; [on the way] to Tsarskoe Selo there was cramped conditions - he drove her out with prayer and calmed down. She gave twenty rubles to remember Anna and Sergius. Have mercy, Lord! I condemn the sinful tendencies that arise within me, passionate towards hardness of heart, arbitrariness, stinginess, love of money, lust and fornication and all sinful movements and I want to decisively fulfill the will of God, all-good, all-righteous, all-blessed, all-wise, eternal, all-powerful. Wake up! Sunday. Early mass. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me, a sinner, who served mass without serving the all-night vigil and reading the canons and akathists to the Sweetest Jesus and the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel. Was dead; for repentance with tenderness, grace revived to service. Tears of tenderness before the Cherubim and afterwards throughout the mass. He took communion with tenderness. After mass, the father rector joined the Lutheran to the Orthodox Church. I was embarrassed and wounded by the spirit of hostility towards the archpriest and barely read the prayers for communion, barely with the prayer of repentance I asked the Lord for forgiveness and peace. O greatness of goodness! Prayer services were served well in homes, especially with Vladimir D. Nikitin, birthday girls, and Bresnev; in the chapel at Bykov’s, the Lord performed a miracle of salvation in me - deliverance from the oppressive crowd, sorrow, fire; Above, Gerasim’s widow also has a miracle - after confession, deliverance from the fire and tightness of hell and peace, affirmation. I thank the Lord for his kindness towards me in moments of repentance and prayer, secret and open, and for repelling from my damned heart the soul-crushing, hellishly heavy passions, especially pride, contempt and anger towards the venerable and loving old lady Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for riding with me in a carriage (in St. Petersburg). The attacks of passions were especially severe in the apartment of the butcher Azhiev and in the house on Nevsky Prospekt No. 95 with the merchant's wife... I thank the Lord, who enlightened the eyes of my heart and forgave my sins for repentance and knowledge of the absurdity 39 and madness of my passions. I thank the Lord, who punished me for gluttony and satiety in the evening (July 19) by abandonment and surrender to the devil during mass (fear of embezzlement of money from the house left by the servants during mass) and who pardoned me with deliverance from fierce misfortune and worldly deadening merging. Thank you for getting rid of carnal voluptuousness when traveling along the Warsaw railway to the Minsk station and when talking with the beautiful woman Balabina in the village of Novye Polya, and with another beautiful girl; for prayer for the half-crazed Fedor [Turelov]. I thank the Lord for changing from evil for the good of my heart on the postman’s tower in St. Petersburg. I thank the Lord in Kronstadt for repeatedly changing my heart from evil to good. I thank the Lord. Yesterday I ate raw salted salmon at Verzin’s and drank raw milk at home - and spoiled my heart: it became rough, unclean, powerless, alien to grace, lazy, drowsy, and during the all-night vigil while reading the Gospel I could not resist the temptation of ethereal enemies, I was embarrassed by the memory of a woman’s kindness towards me: when reading the words of the Lord, Mary do not touch Me [ John 20:17 ] and the rest I did not finish, I did not finish reading the Gospel, as if I was ashamed of the most pure words of the Lord because of my uncleanness and me being unclean in the most pure. But for my zealous secret repentance, the Lord cleansed my sins, and pacified my troubled heart, and took away the oppression, and gave boldness and peace to tears for my sake. While reading the prayer to Christ, Light... again the evil one did not let me speak. I thank You, Lord, for all the miracles of Your mercy in me and in all who have resorted and are resorting to You through my unworthiness. Accept the faith and hope of them all, Lord Jesus Christ our God, and grant, grant, grant, whatever they ask for salvation, according to Your word: Ask, and it will be given to you... [Matthew 7:7; Luke 11:9]. Evening. Monday. And today the Lord showed in me His invincible power and all-conquering goodness, destroying the flattery of the enemy in me at the end of mass, when Satan greatly confused me with his wild, absurd whim in me: why does the sexton always sing the monotonous “Open the doors of mercy to us.” So, perhaps, I thought, even if I don’t sing often, Lord, have mercy and other frequently repeated prayers, and with this the Lord shamed and defeated the proud adversary of the all-evil one. I calmed down just before the prayer behind the pulpit, which I read perfectly, boldly, loudly; vacation too. At the Vespers Litany he said everything perfectly, thank God. The prayer service was served well, with feeling, boldly, and without stumbling. He sinned against the Lord - he threw stones at the fence to drive away and, perhaps, hurt the beggars. I glorify the abyss of God’s mercy that was in me in delivering me from the terrible demonic machinations both during the liturgy and after the liturgy when explaining to Father Paul the rector my desire to go to my homeland (we met the deceased Semyon Ivanovich Kasatkin in a cathedral and escorted him in robes from the Oranienbaum pier to the Kronstadt Gate). Father Pavel vindictively told me that it was as if I asked him to hand over all the affairs of the deanery to me when he wanted to go to Gdov, his homeland. This offended and excited me extremely, and the devil arrived just in time with his machinations, catching me in hostility and anger towards Father Paul, and I very hotly and bitterly began to reproach him for perverting my words and feelings and the whole matter and called him vindictive. The poison of hostility tormented me terribly for a long time (four hours), and despite all my repentance, I barely got rid of it through prayer, while there were an abyss of people asking for my prayer, who arrived from St. Petersburg. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the evil of the devil, which tormented me, oppressed me and scorched me. There were prayer services all day; Already in the evening I got rid of the various demonic intrigues. I have a lot of sensitive pride, pride, malice, self-indulgence, dislike for my neighbor, lack of indulgence, contempt, envy, fornication, intemperance, greed and all sorts of passions. I wallow in the abyss of sin and I always see the abyss of God’s mercy in myself. God is closer to us than we are to ourselves, said Father Gabriel. Well said. God! I thank You for the countless miracles of Your deliverances during the Liturgy from violence and the wiles of the devil and after the Liturgy; I thank You for the words of wisdom that You inspired in me at a time when invisible enemies overcome me - words with which I defeat them during the most ferocious flames of hell that they kindle in me. I thank You that You deliver me a hundredfold during prayer services and outside of them. The adversary whips, strikes and kills the soul every day, but the Lord has mercy, heals and revives. Glory! I thank You, Lord, for You have granted me grace among all people: small and great, poor and rich, simple and educated, princes and kings. How precious and desirable is Your royal, life-giving, all-attracting, all-covering grace. With this grace, subdue, submit to Yourself, O Most Holy and Most Good and All-Powerful Master, draw the entire universe, all sinners to repentance and have mercy on all who repent, just like me, who sinned more than anyone else to You. Wake up! I thank You, Lord, for the joy of the healings of Your people, for whom You have given me the grace to pray and about whom I hear joyful news incessantly. That I will repay You for all these great joys, because You hear our prayers and give life to those who pray. Bless me, Master Lord, on the upcoming journey across land and sea and travel me with Your grace, guiding me and my companions through the good Angels, our Guardians, given to us by Your Fatherly all-creating goodness and wisdom; grant me the consolation of seeing my homeland, relatives, native churches, cities, villages, forests, rivers, lakes, seas, roads, former comrades of my youth, acquaintances and all Orthodox Christians of my native land. And return me in your time to this place of serving You and Your people, granting me grace and mercy to serve You again, to glorify You and the Most Pure Mother of God, all the Heavenly Powers and all Your saints and to pray for the whole world below, as You commanded. Amen. Great is the Lord; His wonderful works in me, the works of unceasing salvation: He destroys in me all the advice and snares of the evil one, cleanses all my sins for repentance, miraculously enlightens the eyes of my heart to see the absurdity, ugliness, destruction of sin, resist it and defeat it. How many rescues in one day, one hour! The letter of the Most Reverend Arseny seemed to me arrogant, alien to the spirit of humility and love. But save me, Lord, from pride, which makes the unproud proud. Grant the spirit of humility and love. Sunday, July 30, in the evening, be at home to present the money to the trustee from the newspaper gang. Take money from the deacon. Sunday. I thank the Lord for delivering from the devil’s torment three women who were possessed by adulterous demons (this was after an early mass in the Duma Assumption Church), and three young women in a merchant almshouse in St. Petersburg near the Volkov cemetery. He went on vacation to the Arkhangelsk province and stayed until September 2 inclusive. I thank the Lord for a safe journey and for the gracious deliverance from sinful tendencies as a result of my heartfelt repentance and for the gracious consolation in the loss of a travel suitcase and a bundle with duckweed, a cassock in it and a skufa. In the suitcase: two summer duckweeds - black silk, camelot 40, trousers with women's watches, photographs of Arkhangelsk, books - Akathistnik and another similar one, Canonnik, my Order of the second degree of St. Anne and half a dozen underwear and socks and also an umbrella from the rain. Finding those who seek, Lord, grant me to find what I have lost or not to miss it. Thank you for the gracious consolation at seven yesterday through secret prayer. Woe to me that my heart is painfully attached to earthly things and at loss my soul is troubled. God is my all-sufficient, all-rewarding treasure, that is, all losses. I thank the Lord, who began to renew me through the Divine communion of His life-giving Mysteries and to expel from my ribs the evil demons that had nested within me. I sweetly feel this renewal, this new spiritual life. I felt the power over the demons during the service of prayers and memorial services in unfailing heartfelt service, especially at the end of the day. I served Liturgy yesterday for the first time after returning from a month-long trip. I didn’t read the entire prayer behind the pulpit because of the feeling of slight perspiration in my body. What impatience! And perspiration is useful. Sin turns everything inside out (distorts), everywhere the face, the body, and not the soul come first, and the slightest irregularity or ugliness in the face or in the body in general - hostility towards the whole person is born; the soul is valued at nothing, all the value is given to the body; and on the other hand, the beauty of the face (or body), corruptible, fading, is idolized; bodily food is idolized, spiritual food is aversion; corruptible wealth is idolized, and spiritual wealth is reviled. Serving the world, its customs, and fashions is highly regarded - serving God is neglected! Oh, sin! O flesh! Oh peace! Oh, devil! I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and His power in me throughout the day of September 5: I saw the aspirations of the invisible enemies who embarrassed, ulcerated and oppressed me at the prayer service at Ivashchenko’s, at the memorial service against [the Chukhon pickaxe], also in Bykov’s house, even in Vasilyeva’s house near the Summer Garden at the butcher’s (the sick girl), and I saw everywhere the great help of God after repentance and calling on the heartfelt holy name Him. God bless! Lady Theotokos! I thank You for the suitcase, which miraculously returned to me after its loss: I prayed to You for it - and received it: You sovereignly preserved and returned it; and the bundle with duckweed disappeared, but I don’t feel sorry for it. A subtle and all-evil demon crept yesterday during mass after communion into my heart through unrighteous hatred of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina and desecrated, confused and killed me for a while, and came out through my repentance. Glory to God the Savior! Today is full of the Lord’s mercies and bounty for me, especially at the evening memorial service for Aquilina against the Chukhon pickaxe. The Lord continually delivered me from sinful tendencies and from the snares of demons through the prayer of repentance. During Matins the Lord began to save and then throughout the day, especially during mass. How unnatural sin is for the soul is evident every day and hour from its torment at the mere thought of sin, not to mention when it occurs in feeling or in will and deed. Beware of sin in all its forms. Friday. I thank You, Lord, for You have glorified Your holy name on this day by the speedy hearing of my secret prayer both in church during the liturgy, when fierce demons offended me, confusing, disgracing and crowding me, and in the apartment of General Warrior in Lukin’s house before the prayer service, and during the prayer service, and after it, and in the apartment of the headmistress of the girls’ high school A. Petrovna Maynard (instantly sly look at the bulge of her married daughter’s nipples), and in the apartment of the director of the gymnasium, Kozek Nikolai Alekseevich, looking at his wife, somewhat disdainfully (by the action of the devil) because of some supposed disgrace. O wicked demons! Everywhere I secretly repented of the deceit of my heart, fervently calling on the name of the Lord, may the Lord save me for the sake of His blood, shed for me, and for the sake of His suffering and death for me, a sinner. And so the power of the Lord came to me and delivered me from trouble and shame - and what blessed, greatest boldness it gave me! I served prayer services so boldly and solemnly as has very, very rarely happened! Glory to the Lord! Abstinence was the reason for God's mercy towards me: I ate one fish soup at dinner. I thank the Lord for the prayer, read loudly, boldly, without stumbling, victoriously, and for the release. How good it is to live according to the will of God, in holiness and chastity, consuming carnal lusts! What peace, what freedom, what bliss in the soul! Grant, Lord, that I and all Your people always do Your will! Wake up. It is also the will of the Lord not to be selfish, not to be angry, not to be embittered towards anyone, not to despise anyone even in thought, to always be meek, unforgiving, loving everyone, sympathizing with everyone! After the previous diabolical temptation yesterday, the headmistress and director, and after the beginning of the decline of spirit and oppression, became the grace of God with the greatest upsurge of spirit, and I served with the greatest courage and triumph of the spirit. God bless! Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy and salvation in His holy name in the apartment of the Uhlan colonel in Peterhof Nikolai Nikitich Bastruev: mountains of the heart, mortal sorrow, the Lord took away from my heart when I grieved over the insane act of Father Pavel Trachevsky, the rector of the cathedral, who cut down two fifty-year-old healthy birches in our fraternal garden. I recognized the vanity and madness of my grief and my grief and prayed for the sick colonel with much strength, sincerely, and I was very cheerful after the prayer, and so was Mr. Colonel. Glory to God, who works wondrous miracles in us sinners! The merging of the worldly, all-painful thing in me: I lost my lost suitcase - and misfortune for my soul, the abbot cut down two green birch trees in the brotherly garden - and misfortune, sorrow and cramped conditions, as if I had lost my life or the treasure of my heart. But to lose the Lord in the heart isn’t the worst of all troubles?.. I am an idolater, my heart is attached to earthly things, so I couldn’t even serve a prayer service today in Bykov’s chapel... (And meekly find out why the abbot cut down the birches? Maybe he’s right.) With an addiction to earthly things, stupidity enters the heart and soul of a person, and he knows what he does to his own harm, for he abandons God, who gives him life, and trusts in idols, that is, in things, and serves his flesh as an idol, thinks about it alone, and forgets God and His truth, despises his eternal soul. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the greatest signs of His mercy and power in the Bykov chapel before the prayer service. I thank the Lord, who performed a wonderful work of mercy and grace in me when I was traveling in a carriage to the Secretary of State [...] on Millionnaya Street in St. Petersburg and during the prayer itself, which I performed with the greatest boldness (I fasted several times - I ate only meat cabbage soup at home). Pious Christians! How great is our kinship by grace with God Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ, to Whom we are bodily and intimate (members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones [Eph. 5:30]), and with His Most Pure Mother, the Virgin Mother of God, and with all the saints, patriarchs, forefathers, prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, reverends and all saints! Meanwhile, we either forget, or do not value such kinship, or do not believe and live unworthily, forgetting about our heavenly calling and election. Let's wake up from sleep, wake up, look around, find out who and what we are! Lord save us! Most Holy Theotokos, save us! All saints, pray to God for us! Wonderful Apostolic reading on the Exaltation: when the world through its wisdom did not know God in the wisdom of God, it pleased God through the foolishness of preaching to save those who believe [1 Cor. 1:21]. The wonderfully wise and gracious image of our salvation through Christ and His Cross is depicted in our festive services. Penetrate and understand. (Service for the Exaltation.) If morning and evening prayers were read daily with all my soul, with understanding and sincere feeling, then by going to church on holidays and Sundays, by sincere repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries, by deeds of good, one could soon be saved - so they breathe the spirit of salvation and the truth of God and turning away from sin. The invincible, incomprehensible, Divine power of the Cross of Christ proves the Divinity of Christ, who suffered and died on it, and that He really, by the Cross of His suffering and the death of the cross, reconciled us with God the Father, destroyed His righteous oath 41 on us and granted us salvation, peace and great mercy, and that the Cross crushed the power of the demonic enemy. Glory, Lord, to Your Honest Cross. Sunday. Late mass. I confess God’s immeasurable mercy and omnipotent power towards me, revealed in me through secret repentance and prayer during the Liturgy five times: four times before communion and once after communion of the Holy Mysteries; once he was upset with the abbot because of the robe, another - he was upset that the air on the Holy Chalice is rough, like wood, elastic - because of a trifle, the adversary becomes embittered and breaks away from God. And what kind of vestments did the venerable desert fathers wear - Sergius, Zosima and Savvaty and others?.. What tears of gratitude I shed at the memory of God’s mercy and power in me! I thank the Lord for the multiple salvation that was revealed to me in my mortal spiritual sorrows, generated by worldly passions and spirits of evil. The mortal sorrow was during Matins, so I could not read the canon of the Cross and barely read the canon to the martyrs Sophia, Vera, Nadezhda and Lyubov. Prayers all day long - and God’s help all day long. Rise up against the laziness and inertia of your flesh, which shuns prayer, repentance, thanksgiving and praise; rebel against all her passions: gluttony, voluptuousness, greed, partiality and contemplation, fear and cowardice. Have no mercy, crucify her, lest she kill the holy and lofty aspirations of your soul, lest she extinguish the fire of love for God and neighbor. Tuesday. You have surprised me now, O Lord, with Your good obedience and Your almighty power in the wondrous salvation of me from hellish malice and spiritual anguish during Matins and especially the Liturgy many times over (the hostile thought during the Liturgy regarding Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina was defeated only by zealous repentance through the invocation of the Lord Jesus Christ). The prayer behind the pulpit and all dismissal. And then many times during the service and outside the service the Lord soon heard and healed me. I thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy towards me and for His immeasurable power, revealed in deliverance from the immeasurable evils of the devil, starting from morning and matins to evening and vespers and beyond [and further]. Swift in intercession, Lord, glory to Thee! The Lord helped me especially wonderfully before the prayer behind the pulpit and during its reading and dismissal, and at the end of Compline during the saying of the final litany and dismissal: the most calm, majestic, unstumbling, strong, irresistible boldness. Glory to the Lord, who put to flight my invisible enemies, who boasted of their invincibility and triumphed in me for so long and often during the celebration of worship. September 19. Wednesday. Thursday. I thank the Lord for the countless salvation He showed in me throughout the day, for countless murderous machinations of the demons were directed at me and the scorching arrows of the devil tormented me many times, but I repented and prayed, and through intense prayer I was always saved. Our mind, darkened by our passions, which it does not understand in the word of God and in church services, despises and considers almost stupidity, being itself stupid and blind. How to follow it? (Bible, canons, psalms.) A man’s enemies are his household [Matthew 10:36]: man’s flesh (his body), his own mind, and heart, and sinful will, acting contrary to the word of God and the will of God, against the truth of God; our senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell, when through them, as through windows and doors, sin enters the soul and heart, when they tempt a person and arm him against the truth of God; one must conquer oneself, arm oneself against oneself, hate oneself in order to remain faithful to the Lord, His eternal truth, His eternal laws. Friday. Early mass. There are many participants. I was subjected to an immensely strong temptation (flood) from Satan today during the proskomedia; it continued until my communion of the Holy Mysteries; There was a lot of painful agony, I fought like a fish on ice, prayed, repented secretly, and finally the abyss of God’s mercy and power defeated the abyss of the devil’s malice and the abyss of my passions. The whole thing came out because of the many prosphoras: I envied the prosphora girl that she was getting a lot of prosphoras and would be rich. (And before, because of the meager and empty prosphoras, I had indignation and hostility toward her.) My greed and envy manifested themselves. Before performing the Sacrament, I was very calm by the grace of God. He considered everything earthly as rubbish and loved this old woman [...]. I received communion without condemnation, I myself read the prayers for communion with extreme animation and calmness, and I brought it to the people; He spoke from the pulpit and throughout his vacation cheerfully and boldly. It is an immeasurably many and great grace to be the village of the Holy Spirit, the village of the Holy Trinity, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit! The saints became such a God-pleasing village and during their lifetime they became famous for their great miracles. So, away with sin. How maliciously and slyly the disembodied enemy captivates me with selfishness and loveliness during public prayers, as well as with greed and envy of others’ earthly happiness. The earthly, devilish spirit still lives in me, an ungodly spirit, and not the Holy Spirit of God, the King of Heaven, who makes above all those who sincerely love God. Oh, Heavenly King, Comforter, Soul of truth... come and dwell in us, and cleanse us from all filth, and save, O Blessed One, our souls 42. During Matins and early mass on September 22, he was honored many, many times with deliverance from the deadly machinations of the enemy: during mass he endured the terrible state of abandonment of God due to secret and obvious irritation with the sexton due to his absence from church without permission (he was sick); I have no love: love is not irritated and does not think evil, it covers everything [1 Cor. 13:4-7]. Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna visited for about two hours. It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened... to have tasted the good word of God... to be renewed again by repentance... [Heb.6:4-6]. And who among us has not tasted God’s good word and the power of the coming age? Yes, we are afraid of falling away from God through our arbitrary sins. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the deadly forces of evil in me, delivered me from them and gave in their place the righteousness of my soul, peace, freedom and boldness. This happened both in the carriage in St. Petersburg, and in Sharina’s carriage, and on the ship to Kronstadt before its departure on September 24. I want to know and taste the one true and eternal sweetness - the sweetness of virtue, truth and the holiness of God, and I want to despise carnal, passionate, temporary, conditional, elemental, corruptible sweetness as corrupting the soul and body and alienating and moving away from God, the source of life and sweetness, for God is infinite sweetness. Let us all revere the entrance and outcome of life, which was created sweet for this purpose, so that our existence or non-existence in a certain sense would not depend on our evil will, but on the all-good will of God, for if it were completely dependent on us, then many husbands and wives would not have abandoned, and others would not have accepted, the childbearing seed and the birth would not have taken place, for many want intercourse, but do not want children have. I commemorate the two greatest miracles of my salvation from the Lord in St. Petersburg; first: when I was traveling in a carriage to Vasilievsky Island from the Bank Bridge in an extremely annoyed and agitated state about the dump at the steamship pier, after which Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina squeezed into the carriage in which I was traveling, to whom I attributed the fact that I did not end up where I wanted, and thus rode like a slave and captive; I was embittered against her and never ordered her to travel with me. My soul was killed by hostility towards her; but here I, a spiritual dead man, began to secretly repent to the Lord, begging Him for the sake of redemption by His blood, which speaks better than Abel, interceding for us [Heb. 12:24], to have mercy on me, and here I, a dead man, came to life in spirit and body, and at the sick Christophorov’s house I fervently and calmly prayed to the Lord for him with the greatest zeal and zeal. Another case of God’s mercy with me was the next day, September 26, when I again met Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina in a carriage against my will. Again the same feeling, and again I repented, and again my dead man, my “I,” rose again. Praise the Lord. And there were many cases of dying and resurrection through repentance. Repentance is resurrection and renewal. I was in Tsarskoe Selo to pray for the sick. The wonderful people with whom I visited, especially the Ozerovs, the merchant and his wife, Maria Alexandrovna, were all very good, as one. And there are such wonderful people in St. Petersburg! Glory to Thee, Lord! Sunday. I commend to grateful memory the greatest miracles of God’s mercy and power in me before my arrival at the palace of Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna (I was traveling with Paraskeva Vasilievna Osetrova when there was terrible tightness in my soul). Today, while traveling in my carriage to General Kalugina’s in St. Petersburg at the corner of Panteleimonovskaya and Liteinaya (hellishly cramped during the entire journey on the ship to St. Petersburg), I was delivered from hellish cramped conditions by the Lord, Whom I called with all my heart, and read prayers in Kalugina’s apartment with the greatest boldness and peace; then, upon arriving from St. Petersburg to Kronstadt and to the cathedral, seeing all the doors to the altar locked, I extremely hated Father Paul, and the all-evil Satan entered into me, and so I repented of my sins for a long time and was finally forgiven by the Lord while reading the kathismas. Eliki showed me many and evil sorrows; and when you turn, you have given me life 43 [Ps.70:20]! Tuesday. I commend to grateful and reverent memory the miracles of God’s mercy and God’s power in me, performed by the Lord through my secret prayers during Intercession Matins and Mass (grief at the sexton of Kamenograd for marking the new kamilavka with wax). The fiery hellish serpent scorched and killed my soul terribly, and I was in its mouth, and the Lord, strong in battle, mercifully delivered me and cooled me with the dew of grace. In Strelna and Gatchina, the Lord performed wondrous signs of His power with me in the subjugation of all hearts to His dominion and in their love for me. Now, on October 2, the Lord right this minute delivered me through an intense prayer of repentance from grief and anger at Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for sneaking into the palace of Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna and conveying to her my words, which were a secret between me and the princess. Friday. I thank You, Lord, who surprised me this day with Your omnipotence and omnipotence in delivering me from the hellish torment of Satan many times over, which befell me for my sins, for my pride, pride, vanity and my anger towards the pious woman Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, when I had to travel with her in the same carriage in St. Petersburg; I was angry with her: why is she traveling with me? Then he resigned himself. Prayer of repentance at the Pavlovsk Institute (Kabyuk Maria Ivanovna); Lieutenant Colonel Voronov has a wife with a sick baby. Today, October 6, the Lord delivered me many times from sorrow and cramped conditions in Bykov’s house. I sinned before God and people in that on the evening of October 6 I reluctantly went to serve prayer services, feeling sorry for my flesh and wishing it peace at home and receiving clothes (cassock) from Markov. My heart was wrong, double, insincere, not united, and that is why during the prayer service invisible enemies confused, oppressed, and overthrew me. And I repented of my guilt, and the Lord helped again. Pray with all your heart and burning spirit! God! There is no number of Your mercies to me - I cannot remember them all due to the weakness of my spirit and my vanity. But accept from me all possible thanks for all the mercies You have done to me after my repentance of my evils, planted in my heart by Belial in the church and outside it, in various houses before prayer services. Without number, I triumphed in Your all-goodness, Your deliverance over the deceit of evil spirits in me, I was honored with Your justification, peace, freedom, boldness, and the power of miracles over the demon-possessed. I remember the miracle of the expulsion of demons from six girls in a merchant almshouse in St. Petersburg in October at the beginning and in St. Andrew's Cathedral over men and women. Be to You, Lord, glory and thanksgiving forever. When I prayed with Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich after a snack with wine, a tempting and murderous thought came to me: will he give and what will he give for prayer? Oh, my damnation! (And his mother, together with him, gave five hundred rubles for the House of Diligence.) Going to Tairova, Alex’s wife, I was also tempted by the thought: have I lost some of my money?.. - and was cruelly wounded in my heart; At Kozlovsky’s, before the prayer service, he was healed through a prayer of repentance and kneeling. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who crushed the most terrible warfare against me from the primordial serpent murderer, who kindled in my heart bitterness against the sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov at a time when you need to have love in your heart for your most sworn enemies - when carrying out the Holy Gifts; for what? - for excluding him from the choir (he took the prosphora to Motin). He stung me terribly and defeated me with his scorching sting, leaving me exhausted and disgraced. But finally, hope for God’s immeasurable mercy prevailed, and God defeated malice. Sunday. Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who accepted my sincere repentance of my anger and rage against sexton Bystryakov for his inattention to the frequent requests of officer Andrei Trapeznikov to come to the prayer service. Oh! I was in the depths of hell, in the mouth of Satan, in fire and shame, and now the most merciful Lord quickly delivered me from the snares of the enemy, reviving him who had been killed by his malice, and I served Matins and Mass with great boldness. Don’t complain, but be glad that you have to pray with people all day long. This is necessary to defeat the sin that lives in us. Pray without ceasing, says the Apostle [1 Thess. 5:17]. Always pray and do not lose heart, says the Lord [Luke 18:1]. I thank my Lord for the countless deliverances of my humility and unworthiness from my secret falls into sin and from enmity and hostility with my wife and sister-in-law, who treated me wickedly. I thank the Lord for deliverance from sorrow and distress regarding the latter, for when I sincerely repented and asked for God’s mercy for them and for me, I was healed and calmed down, especially after I sincerely venerated the throne in St. Andrew’s Cathedral. He read and sang Vespers with divine delight. God bless! I thank the Lord, whose immeasurable goodness overcame the immensity of the satanic malice in me, which tormented me and changed my entire being for the worse for some time. Now it has changed for the better by the grace and power of the Lord. But grant, Lord, the consciousness of sins and a feeling of heartfelt contrition for their sins to my family, so that they may not perish in their insensibility and unrepentance. Touch their hearts and crush them with Your fear. May they seek peace, as I do, and may they hold on to it. Truly, it is a great miracle that You, Lord, transform us, wolves and tigers, into lambs, and so often soften hard hearts and give them repentance and tears of tenderness. Grant all this to my family, so that they may not wallow in their sins, in their vanities, in their alienation from prayer and from Your church and from You, the Source of life. I thank You, Lord, for the prayer of boldness and strength that You gave me to pray in many houses in the capital. God! How much suffering there is in Your people, how many illnesses, how many stumblings! How many lawlessnesses! How many destructive and terrible wiles of the devil! God! Look at Your people with the eye of compassion and have mercy on them, just as You constantly have mercy on me! And reward all those who love me with Your mercy. Wake up! Amen. Avoid caressing women and touching them, so that you do not sin with voluptuousness. I thank the Lord for the peace of my family, which I asked from Him through intense prayers. I thank the Lord for the universal favor and for the trust in me of the Orthodox Russian people, of all their classes, as I have been convinced a thousand times and am convinced of that to this day. Oh, how precious and desired by all is Your grace, bestowed by You on the unworthy me, for without grace such a common love for me is unthinkable. I thank the Lord, who constantly worked miracles in me for His goodness, deliverance and salvation, and victory over the all-destructive wiles of demons. The devil created a fierce enmity between my household against me, and I was in cramped conditions and sorrow, I was gloomy and sad, but with strengthened repentant prayer to the Lord, I destroyed, or, better, the Lord destroyed the work of the invisible enemy in us and performed a miracle of reconciliation in us. My sister-in-law Anna was especially angry with me and leveled terrible slander against me, testifying to her extreme anger against me. I thank the Lord. Yes, I hold on to peace. I am amazed at the power and effectiveness of a secret, inner conversation with the Lord, and His constant closeness to us, and amazing good-will: what reasonable and convincing prayer He secretly teaches me, how His all-goodness immeasurably surpasses all the malice of the devil in us and all our sins, no matter how great they may be, if only we sincerely repent of them. Glory to the Almighty! Glory to the Conqueror of the all-pernicious malice of the devil! God! Remember in Your Kingdom the deprived of reason and intelligence of Peter, the teacher of the former grace-filled children of Yours, children by nature from the secular and priestly, and to the glory of Your name, restore to him reason and spiritual well-being. Holy Father, in Your Beloved Son, the Only Begotten, the All-Redeemer, grant this grace to Your verbal creation and fulfill the desires of many, especially his wife. Wake up! The greatness of Thy mercies has increased upon me, O Lord, according to the multitude of my sins. On Michaelmas Day, at the beginning of Matins, I became extremely angry for an empty reason with the sexton Bystryakov (who was replaced by the low-voiced navigator's sexton) - and I died, descended, as it were, into the abyss of hell and into the fire of hell. But the Lord accepted me and had mercy on me for my repentance. And on other days the Lord had mercy on me, miraculously delivering me from the pincers of Satan. Sunday. Anniversary of Metropolitan Isidore. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of secret repentance, delivered me from the devil’s anger against Father Paul during the prayer service. What a demonic obsession! I don’t like all his actions and seem to be an expression of vanity, pride and fanfare. Maybe I [...]. I repented and received forgiveness. My freedom day. God! I thank You for your constant deliverance from the fierce malice of the invisible enemy, who incites my heart to become embittered against the rector’s father, the kindly Paul, and from worldly addictions to things. God knows him in his troubles, and always stands up for him, says the holy prophet-king [Ps.47:4]. And I have come to know and know the Lord most of all in my hardships, when the Lord intercedes for me and delivers me from the straits of hell. Today, during the all-night vigil, the Lord delivered me three times for my zealous repentance from the hellish sorrow and oppression that befell me for my hostile and proud condemnation of the actions of the rector’s father regarding the cathedral sacristy. Truly the troubles of hell surrounded me, and I could not serve the all-night vigil if the Lord had not had mercy on me. But He, the Merciful, broke the bonds of hell in my soul and set my soul in the open [Ps. 30:9] - I felt light and free. And again the enemy was [extinguished] by extreme drowsiness, mortal drowsiness and some kind of hostility towards Father Paul and fear of him (I thought that he was standing in the church), and again the Lord destroyed the work of the enemy in me. Hostility and bitterness towards Father Paul stem from the perception of his shortcomings, weaknesses, passions, especially his hard-heartedness towards the poor and extreme love of money and stinginess, although I myself am not innocent in this, from his lack of communication with the members of the clergy, although we ourselves are uncommunicative. But I make an extreme mistake, forgetting my weaknesses, shortcomings, passions, especially my dislike for Father Pavel or Philip Stepanov, although temporary and disappearing when I visit them and at the sight of their kind attitude towards me. Oh, I must always consider myself worse than everyone, and others better than myself, as indeed, in order to treat everyone with love and respect, to see in everyone the features of the image of God, members of the one Christ - the Head of the Church and members of this Church, whose moral connection should be holy, peaceful, firm, inviolable, eternal. It is necessary to discard self-love, disobedience, pride, and acquire humility, meekness, and obedience for the sake of Christ and His eternal righteous laws. The long-term passions of my soul, these plantings of the evil one, are still strong in me and often confuse me, confuse me, butt me, scorch me, oppress me, shame me, humiliate me, separate me from Christ, the true life of all. I am a damned man! How I look up to heaven, at the face of Christ my God! Given the present decline of Christian faith and morals, the pastors of the Church especially need mutual friendship and agreement for a better effect on the people; This must be especially borne in mind by those who hold the helm of spiritual rule, although it is a small helm, like an abbot’s. Wednesday. Four times the Lord quickly delivered my soul from hellish troubles and evils (in the printing house of the Kronstadt Messenger at the watchman’s, in Poplavsky’s apartment, Vasiliev’s house near the shooting range, and in the outbuilding there, and at my house) for sincere repentance in grief at those who asked to serve prayer services at an untimely time, when I was in a hurry. After a late, highly solemn mass. Birth of the Empress. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the devil’s malice just before mass, during mass, and especially after mass, upon the use of the Holy Gifts and upon the acceptance of the heavenly sweet peace in the heart and the justification of Christ, when one glance at a girl deprived of one (left) eye (thorn), through the action of the devil, became the cause of contempt and disgust from the pitiful girl (white-faced and well-dressed), and I, accursed, fell away from Christ's love and hated the innocent for her crookedness, for which she was not at all to blame. Yes, even if she were to blame, then she would be worthy of regret, and not disgust and contempt. O voluptuous flesh! You want to see only beautiful and pleasant things everywhere for your vile pleasure. But the crookedness does not suit your corrupt taste. I sinned before the Lord: with anger and vexation I gave three rubles to a poor woman, the mother of the family, according to a note given to the servant Evdokia. After all, I have a lot more money: the hand of the giver will not become scarce. I envied the abundance of money distributed yesterday to the multitude of beggars. Oh, how evil, and stingy, and greedy, and lacking in faith I still am! And I upset the Lord, His humane womb, and I harmed myself, I caused anxiety to myself, depriving myself of the sweet and life-giving world of God! Am I still afraid of impoverishment? Is food 44 the hand of the Lord running low? I have given away much, and the Lord will give much, and His hand will never fail for the generous for the benefit of his brethren. Evening. Today, during mass and after mass, the Lord delivered me from the jaws of Satan, especially after Vespers before the confession of the laity, from the devil’s anger against the rector: the enemy slandered him, accusing him of various shortcomings, passions, and weaknesses. The Lord reflected this with the word of Scripture: Who are you, judging another man’s servant? Before his Lord he stands, or he falls [Rom.14:4]. Oh, damned anger! How she pesters our souls! How it intensifies to reign in us! But God is love [1 John 4:8]! And we must be full of love. My heartfelt relationship with Father Paul for twenty-seven years was not friendly, but hostile - not outwardly, but internally, secretly (without any harm to him) - for his, as I believed, extreme hoarding, I don’t know for whom, hard-heartedness and inhumanity towards the poor people, for his contemptuous attitude towards me, who gives alms, although unworthily, for unsociability in his house. But, on the other hand, I respected him for his calm, even, good-natured, fatherly character, for his independence and self-control in all solemn public services. In the first case, I was and am wrong, noticing a lack, a vice, a passion; I must pity the one subject to it and earnestly pray for him with love, that the Lord may enlighten his heart’s eyes, may soften his heart, may he dispose him to all virtue; I myself allowed my heart’s eyes to be blinded by hostility and malice, contempt, envy regarding the accumulated money (who will get it? I don’t know who will collect it [Ps. 39:7]). I condemn myself for the past and want to completely change my heartfelt relationship with my boss, co-worker, brother, fellow man and fellow member and sincerely love him, who has not harmed or harmed me in any way, but who treats me brotherly. I blame myself for all hostility and curse her devilish birth. Sunday. Today, during Matins, the Lord, through a prayer of heartfelt repentance, delivered me from three sharp, scorching, murderous temptations: from the consequences of anger towards the poor, partly against Father Deacon Vladimir, and against the altar guard Procopius for having too much incense in the censer. I was delivered from the terrible thorns of the devil and was healed in soul and body, tasting mental health and peace. During early mass, I shed a river of tears with extreme tenderness and contrition for sins and with a feeling of the greatest and countless mercies of God towards me and towards all people. Oh, who will let me pray like this all the days! I prayed to the Lord, among other things, that His life-giving right hand would reach all those suffering from mental and physical ailments. The Lord also forgave me the sin of ill will towards His Grace Donatus, Bishop of Riga, 45 a former junior student at the Theological Academy at the time when I was a senior. For this reason, I envied him for receiving the Order of St. Anne of the first degree, because he did not welcome my nephews, students of the Arkhangelsk Seminary, into his rectorship, and expelled them almost innocently. Maybe I was wrong. I repented of my ill will, because it killed my soul, striking it with confusion and melancholy, crampedness and burden. Five o'clock in the morning. Last night I broke my fast by eating milk and a soft-boiled egg for the sake of my health, as I thought. But all night and now, in the morning, my heart feels heavy and melancholy. There is no benefit from milk and eggs with black bread. Have mercy on me, O most merciful Lord! Fast food during Lent has a bad effect on the state of the heart, hardening it towards its poor neighbors. And what stinking winds from dairy and egg foods! It smells like a dead man. Getting up early, I went for a walk in the dark so as not to be disturbed by countless beggars. I was walking, and now dozens of beggars were chasing me, and I was angry with them for following me and not allowing me to secretly pray and breathe free air (although you can, of course, breathe air and give alms - one does not interfere with the other), and I extremely wounded myself, my soul. But accept me, Lord, who repents and change my heart, please it, taking away the malice from it. I became like the evil one, not the Good One. [...]. Having given alms to the beggars, in order to avoid being bothered by them and from my love of money, I retired into my yard and locked the gate with an iron bolt and heard that new beggars had come, but I went home. How communicative and simple the goodness of God is to me, a sinner, and to everyone! How many abundant gifts of God I have and how stingy and money-loving I am, how stubborn I am at times and, to top it all off, angry! Oh, how I anger You, my good Master, with my malice, addiction to things and hardness of heart towards the poor. On Monday. The anniversary of the father of the rector of the cathedral, Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky. I have been honored with the greatest, wonderful, life-giving, victorious mercy of God, I, an unworthy, sinful, self-loving, intemperate, voluptuous, proud, irritable, angry, envious, selfish, material-loving, lazy, careless, crafty, flattering, unkind, unsympathetic, dispensable, rebellious The fact is that the day before, that is, November 18, I, out of voluptuousness, broke my fast and ate unleavened milk and a soft-boiled egg with black bread, which caused a special hardening and burdening of my heart and, at the same time, irritability and anger towards the beggars who usually attacked me. But this devilish malice was so murderous, so strong, that I was positively in the gates of hell, burning and melting as if in the furnace of hell. But when I usually came to church, I began to seek mercy and healing from the Lord and fall before His holy life-giving throne, sincerely repenting of my sins and trusting in invincible mercy, not overcome by any sins, by any of our malice, when we sincerely repent of them. And God’s mercy defeated the devil’s malice in me, which was also mine. The murderous fire of hell in me went out, the dew of grace took its place: instead of sorrow and oppression - joy and space, instead of confusion - peace, instead of a feeling of guilt - a feeling of God's justification. What miracles of God’s mercy and power, mercy and judgment! What transformations! Glory to God’s wondrous mercy towards us! When celebrating mass, there is a feeling of contrition for sins, tears of tenderness with constant self-compulsion to contemplate God’s saving deeds and to feel His countless benefits. He took communion calmly, with faith and love. But after communion soon and after a feeling of peace, contentment, righteousness, the enemy again took possession of my heart, accustomed to sins of all kinds: I secretly regretted for Father Porfiry, the archpriest of the Church of the Epiphany, my new expensive white robe and again fell into confusion, crampedness, sorrow, shame and darkness and barely begged the Lord to have mercy on me soon, for the time was close: I had to give a speech to the hero of the day Father Paul in front of the entire audience. I sincerely confessed my madness - the madness of pity, that is, in pitying the robe for Father Porfiry, I confessed that the robe is nothing but decay, that our incorruptible robe is Christ (put on Christ [Gal. 3:27]), our robe is mutual love, meekness, humility, goodwill, mutual service, and not things, not our treasures, not precious fabrics that do not cover the shame of our soul, our sins, will not protect us at the World Judgment. With this conviction, with this spiritual wisdom, I calmed down and stopped sparing the robe. So sometimes you have to take pity on your precious crosses and protect them from incense smoke, as if anything bad could come from it, as if gold and precious stones could deteriorate. O soul! Your precious stone is Christ, do not be deceived by corruptible stones; your incorruptible gold, more than any gold, is Christ, Who gilds the soul with the Holy Spirit, but do not neglect corruptible stones, about corruptible gold, so that Christ will not neglect you, the foolish one, if you apply your heart to them. Your heart should be for one thing - Christ. In Peter Yakovlevich Lebedev, victory must remain on the side of God’s invincible mercy, and not on the side of the devil’s malice. Wake up! I thank the Lord, my all-merciful Savior, for my hasty obedience and for delivering me from the hellish cramps in the chapel, and in Bykov’s apartment, and in the house of [Estafiev] Yakov [...]. In the Bykov chapel, a grave temptation happened, deadly: one contractor put ten rubles on a dish, and when I began to read prayers before the confession of some and confess those who wanted to, this money was extremely tempting to me, fearing that someone would steal it, and only my deliberate repentance healed my money-loving passion and fear, and I calmed down. Woe to me, the passionate one! He regretted the treasures of the perishable, but the treasures of the imperishable - he lost God in his heart! This is how Satan laughs at us, senseless, stupid, ungrateful ones! Well, what do we value? True dust disappears, unable to give life to our soul and even our body, no matter how shiny and beautiful it may be. I thank the Lord for the abyss of His mercies, secretly poured out on me in St. Petersburg when visiting various people (the mercy of deliverance from the devil’s anger against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for traveling everywhere with me in a carriage, the terrible onslaught of the prince of darkness, barely repelled by the strengthened inner prayer of repentance); in Kronstadt, during the service of prayers in different places, and even after the service, the Lord soon saved me upon calling from the bottom of my heart in repentance - the Lord saved me miraculously six times. Oh, mercy and hasty obedience! Oh, the judgment and truth of God! Deliver me from worldly, corruptible love, O Lord, and grant me incorruptible, heavenly, eternal love, which will not be taken away. One beggar guy, who annoyed me a lot with his daily begging, in anger, I firmly pulled out by the hair - and I myself was wounded and confused in my heart, but through intense secret prayer of repentance I was pardoned. I thank the Lord for the continuous series of deliverances during Matins and Sunday liturgy and regarding the addiction to the precious cross that was worn, stinging from the smoke of incense, and during prayer services held in different houses and in the Bykov chapel. O quick intercession, Lord, glory to Thee! Thursday. I thank the Lord for the speedy, wonderful, powerful deliverance of my many-passionate self both yesterday and today in St. Petersburg while performing prayers in different houses, and today in Kronstadt in and outside the house of Bykov, and on the way to the gymnasium (on horseback), and especially during the prayer service in the House of Diligence, and for the grace of great boldness when performing prayer services. There is no limit to God's mercies to me, great, swift, life-giving, ineffable. Glory to the Lord! But there is no end to the machinations of the devil, incitement to sin, confusion, and inflammation of sin! Oh, how I will get rid of sins, this sin-loving one! Away with friendship to the flesh and to the world! What zeal of people’s love for me, what trust of the people and all classes the Lord has honored me with! They truly carry me in their arms and are ready to lay everything at my feet. Oh, how I must love the Author of this love, this trust in me, this devotion to me - the Lord, who created such greatness for me that all of Russia knows me! And how should I humble myself with such fame and such love and not in a thought attribute all this to myself, to any of my merits, of which there are none! Oh, my beloved, miracle-working all-holy, all-good, all-powerful, glorious and terrible in His glory, Lord, glory to You! Confirm me and all the people, all people in faith and love for You and in mutual love! Deliver all Your people from troubles, illnesses, various sorrows, deprivations and shortcomings, from various adversities, from human insults! Remember all those drowned and depressed by various troubles, and comfort them all with Your rich and omnipotent help. Wake up! Look in the side pocket of the red cassock: addresses [...]. Many, many times my sins (malice and voluptuous thoughts and movements of the flesh and spirit) mortified my soul, plunged it into dishonor, powerlessness, sorrow and distress, and each time, through a secret prayer of repentance in the church and outside the church, in many houses and two or three shops, the Lord delivered me from sinful death, granting me justification, peace, freedom, boldness and dignity; Especially at the beginning of Matins, the Lord surprised me with His mercy through a prayer of repentance in anger at the beggar and in pushing him hard. There were a lot of prayers like no other year. I thank the Lord for His countless deliverances of my misery from sins and demonic intrigues through the prayer of repentance. I thank the Lord for delivering the woman Ksenia, a peasant, from evil spirits through my prayers in the church after early mass. Monday. The Lord performed two great miracles of salvation in me yesterday through my secret prayer: in Talybin’s own house (he took away the hostility towards Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova and bestowed sincere love for her) and in a first-class compartment at the Baltic station (he took away the prodigal movement that had killed my soul and gave new life to my heart and my whole being). Glory to the Lord! I visited Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna and her children, talked and prayed. The Lord also miraculously delivered me from anger towards Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova for her persistent desire and request to confess and receive communion on Monday (December 10), when I wanted to postpone it until another time (I had to respect her thirst for Christ, but I despised her and for that I was caught in the flames of hell and only through an intense, strong prayer of secret repentance was saved when a prayer service was served at Verkhovsky and then in the church of the saint throne). The devil, arousing passions in us and succeeding in us, curses through us to the Lord, to all the saints, starting with the most honorable Cherub Mother of God, and to all humanity created in the image of God; especially swears in our pride, in malice and fornication. Understand his machinations and fear sin like fire, like poison, like the devil himself. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in a carriage of the Baltic Railway at twelve and a half o'clock at night from the consequences of the voluptuous movement of my flesh and spirit after secret intense repentance and who granted me peace, freedom and righteousness of spirit. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the consequences of being upset with my wife for some malfunction in my office (the candles were not prepared); I secretly repented before going to bed (three and a half hours in the morning), and the Lord forgave, allowed, and reconciled. God bless! I thank the Lord for the wondrous miracle of His mercy and omnipotence in those churches, houses and institutions and everywhere where I, unworthy, with unashamed faith called on His wonderful name; I thank the Lord for the glory He brought to His name, and for the consolation and joy that He brought instead of tears to the families who honored me with their trust, inviting me to their homes for prayer, or who visited me and prayed with me. I thank the Lord for glorifying my unworthiness, although I avoid this glory by all means. Extend Your hand again and again for healing and miracles, O all-good and all-generous Master Lord, Creator of heaven and earth and everything that is in them, may glory be to You throughout the whole earth. Remember all in mercy and generosity and strength, all who require Your love for mankind and help through me, humble and sinful and indecent, remember for the sake of Your name, which I carry everywhere through His reverent invocation, and for the sake of the crying troubles and needs everywhere that have befallen Your people. The earth is full, Lord, of countless sorrows, sorrows and misfortunes, there is groaning, sobbing, pity, grief in it. I thank my Lord, who is invincible in mercy, who has conquered my countless evils through repentance and faith and who has repeatedly given me spiritual integrity, peace and tranquility during church and home services. I sinned before God, before the Mother of God, before all the Angels, all the saints and before all those living on earth in that, in rage at the beggars, I hit two of them on the cheeks for their impudence in begging for money. Did I not kill Christ Himself in them? Woe is me. How long are the habits rude and evil? Is it the hand that rises to beat your neighbor that blesses the Holy Gifts and holds the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world, the Lamb who holds in its hand all creation, above and below? Friday. I thank the Lord for the countless powers of healing from the devil’s attacks during Matins, the early liturgy and after the liturgy, during and after the vespers, during the prayer service and during confession of many St. Petersburg citizens. I have never once been ashamed before the Lord in repentantly and diligently calling on His name. Who is more beautiful to me than the Lord Jesus Christ? Who is sweeter to me than Him? Who is more precious than Him, the Giver of Life? Who is more glorious than Him, the King of Glory? Whose yoke is better than His? Whose burden is lighter than His? Who is holier than Him? Who is His abiding 47? – He is eternal and the Creator of centuries! But everything under the sun passes away: heaven and earth will pass away; they will not be, but His words will not pass away [Mark 13:31]. How many times yesterday did I fall into secret and almost obvious anger at the sexton Andrei Vasilyevich, was stung by the fiery sting of the devil - and after secret heartfelt repentance I was soon healed by the goodness of the Lord and was again peaceful, healthy in soul and body, and gracious! I praise and thank the Lord, who does not allow me to suffer incurably from my passions! Saturday. I thank the Lord for the great victories of His name over the bodiless and all-evil enemies and over my passions during the liturgy early yesterday, for the unfaltering service of Matins and Mass with much boldness and strong strength (during Matins the enemies especially bickered and scorched me with their malice) and for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries with wonderful peace, renewal, space of heart and joy. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness at the liturgy. Grant me, Lord, to always remember the infinite importance of the minute in which the priest pronounces the words at the liturgy: Thine from Thine is offered to Thee, for all and for all - and then the words of invoking the Holy Spirit from the Father for the consecration of the Holy Gifts and the words of transformation: And make this bread... And the hedgehog in this cup... Having laid it by Thy Holy Spirit. This is a holy and terrible Sacrifice, all-redeeming and all-gratitude, all-propitiatory, all-unifying. Evening. Twelve o'clock. I glorify and thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy in delivering me from the scorching, oppressive and deadening arrows of the enemy during matins and early mass, when I sincerely repented of my secret sins (anger at the sexton for the malfunction and hostility towards the ugly nun who came late to the Chalice of Communion: her mouth and left cheek are crooked, although this is not her fault and arbitrariness). And the nun was modest and pious. I repented of hostility, which was deadly for me, I repented sincerely, condemned myself for partiality, convinced myself that she, too, is in the image of God, is also a member of the body of Christ and is equally redeemed by the blood of Christ and honored with communion, that malice is a combination with the devil. I thank the Lord, who wonderfully, quickly and omnipotently saved me from the snares of the devil in the apartment of Averky Ivanovich Ivanov, a St. Petersburg fisherman, when I, in repentance, on my knees, prayed to Him for mercy and deliverance from my unjust grief at the fact that I was taken into a public hospital in St. Petersburg near the Church of the Entry without my knowledge. How many absurd passions I have, because of which I often fall away from love for God and neighbor and become united with Belial! Because of the ugliness of my face, sometimes I secretly despise my neighbor (although, perhaps, he is a beautiful person at heart), and because of beauty I am internally seduced. Oh, the absurdity of passions! How subtly and cunningly the many-headed hydra of sin nests within me! Kill it in me, Lord, completely, just as I will be all Yours, Your village forever and ever. Wake up! During the service of a prayer service with a precious anniversary cross on the chest, I was very embarrassed and oppressed by my passion for it and the regret that it would become smoky from the smoking incense. To prevent this from happening in the future, we must consider gold and precious stones as dust and their lovely shine as nothing, and not in the least chase after it, as if it were disappearing, just like our body and our sight, for both are perishable, but cleave with all the love of our hearts to the one God - the eternal, ever-living and life-giving. For the souls of the deceased forefathers, fathers and brothers, mothers and sisters and all Orthodox Christians, I have hitherto been careless in prayers due to attachment to the earthly and visible and considering them as if they had no relation to us or communication with us. And now I must deeply care for them, as for those living even after death: with Him (God) everyone is alive [Luke 20:38]. (All clothes, all faces are considered as dust and only regret about souls and strive for their salvation.) That night (at four o'clock in the morning) Walrondt's wooden house burned down in Kronstadt and six people from the Skorobogatov family were in it. The offering was burnt by fire, like sweet bread brought to the Trinity 48. Remember them, Lord, in Your Kingdom and have mercy on us through their prayers. Wake up! Saturday. I commend to reverent memory the ineffable mercy of God, revealed to me in the unfaltering service of the liturgy, although I was very overcome by drowsiness from weakness and little sleep (only three hours), in the life-giving and renewing communion of the Holy Mysteries, in the overcoming by His grace with sincere repentance of grief and secret anger at the altar guard Procopius for knocking from dropped metal objects on the stone floor, in helping with the service of many prayer services and deliverance from sinful movements of the heart and flesh. I thank the Lord for the quick mercy shown to me immediately after sincere repentance of my anger and shouting at sexton Ivan [Andreev] for his clumsiness when I called him to me from the apartment. “And then sorrow, oppression, and hellish fire struck me for my anger.” Morning. We are all close to each other as members of one body, one Church, one Christ and close to Christ as members to the Head, as partakers of the Body and Blood of Christ; This is how we should be in practice, sympathizing, rejoicing and having compassion for each other, helping each other in whatever way we can. Christ is the abyss of life, mercy, generosity, love for mankind, strength, light, peace, boldness, and bliss. As members of the body of Christ, we are close (if we live by faith) both to the Mother of God, and to the Angelic Powers, as constituting the same one Church in Christ, and to all the saints; close to all those who have died in faith and hope and love. How many sinful inclinations do I have: self-love, vanity, pride, evil, envy, anger, greed, voluptuousness, partiality, laziness, negligence, waywardness, disobedience, double-mindedness, flattery, guile, gluttony, intemperance and other countless passions. I haven’t done anything good on earth – it’s all God’s grace. Add the affiliated Lutheran Anna to the metrics and select the signed obligation. Joined on December 22, Saturday. I was seriously ill with a cold - runny nose, cough, general distress and exhaustion. I was as pale as death. The cough took away all my insides - I had no appetite. But I slept pretty well. Doctor Pukhlyanko was invited and traveled for four days. Healthy masses were ordered for me, and the Lord had mercy on me, the accursed one. I got up. The weakness gradually passed, and vigor and strength appeared. I myself prayed to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God for mercy on me, the accursed one. He celebrated mass on the 25th, 26th and 30th (Sunday). I thank the Lord for delivering me from the sinful and passionate impulses of my passionate soul during the service. Especially today (December 30) regarding the start of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina’s confession, for which I was upset with her (where could I rejoice over her, hungry and thirsty for truth in Christ, as I later repented and came to my senses). After early mass. I blame myself with all my heart for the impoverishment of my love for my neighbors. It was expressed at mass in the fact that I secretly regretted or feared that our Kronstadt communicants might ask for communion. Well? And God would give more often! The Most Pure Body and Blood will be enough for everyone. And I somewhat hated in my heart that other mothers often bring their children to the Holy Mysteries (but thank God that they offer these innocent angels, children of grace, children of God!). Having given communion to several people (six or seven) and having completed the service safely, I went home on a horse; he stopped at the gate and paid the beggars; but I tore out one big, ruddy guy, noticed in laziness and especially extorting alms, by his hair and pinned him to a wooden fence along with others, and this should not have been done by me, a communicant of the Holy Mysteries, a disciple of the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world; At home, I screamed loudly in anger and became angry with my wife for hiding the image of the Eternal Child with the Mother of God. In all this I am very sinful, and I blame myself, and [curse] myself, and I ask for mercy from the Lord, and I forgive my wife, so that I do not add my own sin to her sin, and so that I do not anger my Lord any more. See my wickedness, Lord! See my impatience! But see repentance, and have mercy on me, and convert and save me. Amen. I thank the Lord, who showed me last night in Morozova’s house on Novaya Street, before the prayer service and during the prayer service for secret prayer, His great and effective help in getting rid of the spiritual foxes that nested in my heart and troubled me, and in bestowing the grace of the Holy Spirit, which cleansed my heart and pacified and strengthened it. But when I immediately drank champagne wine after the prayer service, my heart relaxed again and again became accessible to mental foxes. Sinned against the Lord by drinking wine. My accursed flesh suddenly flares up with an unclean, hellish carnal flame of voluptuousness; hence one can see the extreme need to curb her, humble her, languish her, exercise her with vigils, reading, singing, labor, and not trust her even a hair in anything. Oh, ungodly! Oh, you who are corrupted and corrupt your soul and yourself! Oh, greedy, selfish, insatiable, crafty, lazy, careless, fearful, sad, fleeting, like steam and like smoke and like morning dew. I thank the Lord, who showed me His wondrous deliverance and help during the early liturgy, when I was angry at the sexton Andrei, who was sluggishly and lazily singing mass; I thank the Lord, who has taken away from my soul anger and bitterness towards him, which is the gravest sin. I thank the Lord, who showed me quick deliverance and His help during the service of prayers in the Karsky house in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street and in other places, with the Chevkunovs (P.E. Titov) and others (for deliverance from fornication). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from all evils. In every person one must always respect and honor the image of God, which every person has within himself, especially a pious and sanctified Christian (the priesthood), and bear with him in his weaknesses, endure and endure long. Love is patient... [1 Corinthians 13:4]. The male and female members of life are holy; they have nothing charming in their being or anything blissful or unclean, but only through our abuse and opinion and lust do they become unclean. We must look sacredly at all members and at everyday ones, as at the sacred entrances and exits of our existence. I am the door... [John 10:9]. Away with the flattering, unclean, evil Satan, who blasphemes and defiles God’s creation. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me many times over from the terrible and painful, fiery and hellishly oppressive evil of the devil against the Father Superior after, just before the beginning of Matins, the altar guard Procopius told me that the Father Superior was unwell and would not be at the Blessing of the Water on the eve of Epiphany and on Epiphany itself, and that I should perform the sacred rite for him. I did not believe and considered Father Pavel’s illness a pretense, a tenderness, although he did not give me any reason for such distrust, and I - oh, sin, oh, old hostility that had boiled over the years! - I secretly became embittered with him, but, not tolerating the fire of hell in me and feeling that this was the slander of an ethereal enemy against Father Paul, I began to immediately repent, condemn myself sincerely and ask for forgiveness and the change of my heart from evil to goodness, which I soon received from the Lord. Then the secret hostility was repeated again, and again I repented and was pardoned. Then the devil became angry with the sexton Andrei because he forgot to read the last words of the psalm in the prayer behind the pulpit: I will bless the Lord at all times... The death of sinners is cruel and so on [Ps.33]. At former prayer services, the Lord helped me quickly and miraculously many times, delivering me from the passions inspired by demons. What a terrible daily spiritual warfare! How the spirits of evil seek to devour and destroy me! How terrible and deadly their stings are! How poisonous and sharp their teeth are, and red-hot like iron! As a bride, the Lord adorned me with a sacred robe through His daughters devoted to Him and His Church and to me, a sinner. Glory to the Lord, who loved me, the unworthy! Oh, grant me to love You with all my heart, inseparably, all the days of my life. Friday. I thank You, Lord, who worked miracles in me to save me from my sins. God! In Bykov’s house, out of resentment towards the sexton and repentance for my grief towards him, and in [M...]’s house at the officer Kazimirov’s at the christening of his child Mikhail, out of embarrassment, I did not read the last prayers according to the charter. He repented prayerfully and received forgiveness, justification, peace and freedom. Morning. How many miracles and mercy of God are in me during the performance of many prayers for deliverance from demonic attacks and in peaceful service without stumbling. After early mass. The most merciful Lord surprised me with His mercy and power, just as the devil showed in me today all his malice and deceit and his terrible violence against my sinful soul. First, the evil one confused and killed my soul with thoughts of stealing my money from the table by my wife, although this was not true, and then many times tempted me with vain and vain anger at the sexton Andrei Ivanovich, who sings quietly and as if in an undertone, and not with his whole chest, although he has a naturally quiet, gentle, and not rough and loud voice. I am obsessed with loudness, especially since I am deaf and demand that everyone sing and read loudly. How many times have I endured the terrible, violent diabolical malice that stopped me from serving, from pronouncing litanies and prayers! And Satan would soon have swallowed me up if the Lord had not delivered me from his very jaws! Glory to Thee, Lord! Grant me love, meekness, humility, condescension, kindness, simplicity, patience, purity, non-covetousness. I thank the Lord for your quick, wondrous, obvious help during the service of Matins and early mass yesterday in taming the devil’s ferocity against me and in giving me peace, freedom, and boldness, and righteousness. I often sin before the Lord, the Mother of God, before the Angels, all the saints and all people in that I give alms to the poor reluctantly, unzealously, with murmuring and reproach, proudly and with impudence, as if I, and not they, are favoring me. I am also cursed in doing a good deed, which I have not yet learned to do. I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer for the stumbling-free performance of the sacred rite - the great Blessing of Water, and although there was a satanic temptation, I was defeated by the grace of Christ. I have no boldness before God, before the Mother of God, before the Angels and saints, and before living people (some). Give me, Lord, boldness and firmness. In the face of demonic wiles I have no boldness, calmness or firmness. Grant, Lord, boldness, calmness and firmness. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deception of the enemy through gluttony at the proskomedia: when I saw the stale prosphora, I was embarrassed and upset at the prosphora bowl, lost interest in God and in the work of performing the Sacrament and in all people. But, having sincerely repented, he returned the grace of God, love for God and for the holy cause. At the end of the mass, he did not do the dismissal properly; during Matins, he did not read the entire Gospel, just as at the great Blessing of Water on the Jordan. I sinned - I drank tea with cream before the sacred ceremony of the Blessing of Water and weakened my heart with gluttony and lost the grace of the Holy Spirit. During the house-to-house worship, he became angry with the beggars and tore off seven people by the hair, others ran away. Through repentance he was reconciled to God. When I got home, I was angry that they didn’t open the doors for a long time. He repented and calmed down and secretly made peace with everyone. Have mercy on me, Lord! I thank the Lord for healing me through the prayers of my spiritual sisters, who served several liturgies for my health, from a serious cold that exhausted me with a cough and runny nose and put me to bed for four days. I thank the Lord for granting me permission to receive communion twice during my illness while serving the liturgy on the first and second days of the Nativity of Christ. I thank the Lord for the wondrous, quick, countless mercies that have been revealed to me from January 7 until now in Kronstadt during my service in the cathedral of matins, early lunch and vespers (sometimes) and during my travels to St. Petersburg and during prayers there, especially in the apartment of Mr. Viktor Alekseevich Meshkov, where invisible enemies embarrassed me with regret (and stinginess) for what I paid for second class carriage for Marya Dmitrievna Nikolaeva. Through intensified secret prayer on my knees, I barely got rid of the charm of the enemy, but I got rid of it. God bless! (Meshkov’s wife smokes tobacco and seemed insincere to me.) Deliverance from the devil's malice, impurity, despondency, burning, pressure, shame, tightness, confusion, powerlessness of the heart. Monday. Morning. I thank the Lord for my good obedience and repeated miraculous deliverance from the machinations of invisible enemies and for my good obedience in serving Matins and early liturgy (in the cathedral instead of the Assumption Church) and prayer services in different houses. What do you, a human being, give preference to in your thoughts, desires, aspirations, words and actions every day? Visible or invisible? Tangible or intangible? Give a straight answer to this and I will know who you are and what you are like. The invisible must everywhere and always be preferred to the visible, for the invisible reigns in everything visible and is eternal, and the visible depends on the invisible and obeys and must obey it. God is invisible. I thank the Lord for the gift of tearful tenderness during the celebration of the Liturgy of the faithful and for the prayer for all who require God’s love for mankind and help, especially those who turned and are turning through me, a sinner, to God. Monday. I thank the Lord for the manifestation of judgment 49 and His mercy in me and for the wonderful, quick, all-powerful, all-merciful deliverance of my weakness from grief and anger towards the poor and then, before early mass, against the sexton Andrei, who did not come on time for mass due to a misunderstanding, as I found out. The Lord accepted my sincere repentance and repeated falling in humility before the throne of His glory and released my deadly fiery bonds. Then, before the prayer service of the young Korshunovs, the Lord accepted my repentance and miraculously delivered me from sinful oppression, when I, on my knees, begged His goodness to deliver me from my anger at the beggars who pursued me everywhere. Run away from women's caresses: the waves are heavy with sweetness. Tame the heavy waves of sweetness, O Lord, glory to Thee! Thursday. I thank the Lord for the miracle of salvation from the enemy’s crowded conditions that followed at home as a result of greed for food (meat broth, eggs, fried meat). I came to Nadezhda Stepanovna Britneva - and could not say the prayers, then in the gymnasium I was irritable; From the gymnasium I went to Oranienbaum and St. Petersburg and along the way I began to intensively repent secretly, and the Lord had mercy - He gave me freedom and lightness and strength of heart, and in St. Petersburg I prayed everywhere for good, with strength. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of truth 50, His mercy and power in me, revealed in me during early mass and at the end of it in the cathedral (yesterday) and then outside the church. In the evening I sinned - I strangled one beggar to death in anger; I also sinned with affection. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of protection, deliverance, salvation, cleansing, sanctification, renewal, peace and all spiritual blessings, during the service of the liturgy and outside the service, performed in me by His goodness and power on sea and on land. Applauding with the joy of deliverance and salvation, I will continually sing to Him the song of victory over the ruler of darkness. Amen. Thursday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who showed me the wonderful mercy of His deliverance during the liturgy (embarrassment over the many prosphoras from my sister-in-law before the Cherubimskaya), in the middle and at the end (behind the pulpit and after), and during the liturgy and then in St. Petersburg in the houses of citizens (embarrassment because of the old woman Alexandra Alekseevna), and for the success of prayer with boldness. I thank the Lord for his wonderful help on January 24 during the liturgy and prayers in St. Petersburg. I thank You, Lord, who surprised me with Your mercy in St. Petersburg in the apartment of Yalina (the repentant harlot-beauty) on January 31 and on the St. Petersburg side in the shelter for crippled children, where I went with Euphrosyne Nikolaevna on February 1 and was upset that they were taking me very far. There he was seduced [...] by Yalina and repented, being unable to serve the prayer service for the blessing of water. After repentance he served. Here, too, after secret repentance, the Lord had mercy and comfort and gave a word of prayer. Saturday. Candlemas. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from sharp, scorching, deadening, terrible temptations and the wiles of the devil, both after mass, and especially after vespers or compline, when I missed the litany of Let’s Pray... Sincere repentance and falling with faith at the Holy Altar saved me: the Lord had mercy and healed me, calmed me down, and revived the one who had died in sins. Sunday. I commend to grateful memory the new miracles in me of mercy, hasty obedience and the power of God during Matins, early mass (multiple deliverance from worldly addiction, from sorrow and cramped conditions and coldness); especially miracles after the liturgy during the expulsion of demons from possessed women. I thank the Lord for the miracles of my salvation as a result of my repentance in vain anger towards the sexton Andrei Ivanovich, an ignoramus who did not know the rules at all and shamelessly and fearlessly lied in the choir at Vespers. I thank the Lord for the prayers. There are not many words contained in the two main commandments of God’s law: love God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength and love your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:37–39, etc.], but in applying these commandments to the work, there are so many temptations and obstacles from the flesh, the world and the devil! – Without number and at every step. How terribly we have become infected with sin that we cannot fulfill the simplest, most natural commandment even for a minute, unless God Himself helps! And how often, how incessantly do we sin against these commandments in every way in a million ways! How often, or, better yet, how constantly should we repent and stretch out our heartfelt eyes to God with prayer for unceasing help in fulfilling His holy commandments! But glory to Thee, O merciful, merciful and benevolent Lord, for quickly and constantly having mercy on us and saving us and helping us against our enemies who fight us. Monday of the First Week of Lent. Morning. Nine o'clock. The day has not yet begun, and already the crafty and all-evil demons, who never sleep, but are always awake to commit all evil, managed to sting me a hundred times with their all-poisonous fiery stings through my various passions, and the same number of times the merciful Lord, for repentance and secret prayer with faith and hope, healed me and gave me the dew of coolness, spiritual integrity, righteousness, peace and freedom. Glory to the Lord! Tuesday. I thank the Lord for yesterday. In the morning and then, an abyss of sins and demonic temptations surrounded me, but at the same time there was an abyss of salvation, mercy and the power of God. At the Midnight Office, after the devil’s confusion and fear, he boldly said the final litany, and then throughout the entire Matins he was granted deliverance, peace and freedom from the Lord, for the hours too, and at the Great Compline, after the devil’s confusion, at the beginning he took victory by the grace of Christ and the upper hand over the machinations of the demons and the entire canon, with the exception of some of the Theotokos’ verses, he read sincerely, loudly, tasted the heavenly peace, and Vladyka Most Mercifully pronounced the entire final prayer, including the litany, of course, with the exception of the end. Glory to God, the Helper and Victor in me! Weighed down by the burden of sins and countless temptations and deadly snares of demons, today I am consoled by countless deliverance from the Lord and the joys of salvation and a perfect sense of health. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance a hundredfold and showed me tenfold salvation both in the church and in the homes of the faithful. (Christening in Tsepov’s house, where Paraskeva Petrovna: bitterness took over her, a kind and simple woman who was devoted to me with all her heart. Long repentance before and during the sacrament of Baptism. Pardon for me from the Lord.) Wednesday. Three and a quarter hours in the afternoon. I thank the Lord for the countless victories wrought in me by the majesty of His power and goodness during the hours, Vespers and Presanctified Liturgy and after it at the memorial service in church and prayer services. I was severely stung and killed by my ethereal enemies, but infinite Goodness and infinite Belly overcame the devil’s malice and the devil’s death in me. Glory to the all-good Giver of Life and our Redeemer! Thursday. I thank the Lord for constant deliverance from fierce sorrows inflicted by the wiles of demons, and for the most glorious and sweet salvation. However, I myself am guilty of everything before God and for the sake of my sins I am subjected to righteously fierce sorrows. Grant me, Lord, correction, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, abstinence, purity, mercy, compassion, simplicity, obedience, boldness, self-control, undisturbed peace of mind, non-covetousness, vigilance, hard work, unceasing prayer, unashamed hope, unfeigned love, undying love - the alpha and omega of the Gospel Yours. Amen. Beginningless, ever-present, all-good, all-righteous, present everywhere and fulfilling everything, all-wise, all-beautiful, most pure and all-holy, our all-blessed God, worshiped in Three Persons, the all-saving power, ever and every day, repeatedly and innumerably merciful to me! When I see You, when I worship You face to face and thank and glorify for all Your mercies in this age to me and all Your people! Man is an artist in everything, in all sorts of worldly affairs, but in spiritual matters he is almost always unskilled - he does not know how to fulfill God’s commandments: to love God and one’s neighbor sincerely and to constantly pray to God, to overcome sins and passions, to do good. Human! Look at your deeds in the world, which can change the human mind: what have you not done in the world of science and diverse art! You, as a certain god, as a certain creator, have created countless things, because you are truly in the image of God and this image of God is the artist in you of everything. But these deeds of yours are earthly, perishable, although amazing; be zealous for spiritual, incorruptible deeds. I also thank You, Lord, for Your countless salvations of my unworthiness yesterday during and after the service in the houses of Bykov, Tsepov and Silin (where Evlampia is). I was subjected to an extremely acute, burning, silent temptation because of my irritability due to the failure of the elder and altar guard Procopius to prepare a kutya in memory of the miracle of the Holy Great Martyr Theodore. I could not read the prayers at the prayer service and I was burning with the scorching fire of hell. But for repentance, he was pardoned by the immeasurable mercy of the Lord and was delivered from the scorching fire that kills soul and body. Glory to the Lord! In the evening, upon returning from confession at half past midnight, the beggars insolently surrounded me, blocking the way, and I again became very angry and hit many in anger, knocking one boy to the ground in the snow many times. I was very indignant... There were up to five hundred confessors. The Lord revealed to me from my youth, and especially from the time I entered the priesthood, an abundant source of consolation, pleasure, sanctification and deification, but Belial, the enemy of God and men, in divine services, from the very beginning of my priestly service, opened for me an abundant source of sorrow and sin, stealing, stealing from me the words of prayers, exclamations, litanies, gospel readings and not allowing me to speak, for the sake of passions my heartfelt ones. I thank the Lord, who hastens me in everything and especially in acquiring the great, sincere trust of all classes of Russia, the capital and surrounding cities and villages, Moscow itself and other various cities, from which letters were sent to me asking for prayers for them to the Lord. He did wonderful things with me and with many, many who asked my prayers for them, according to my faith and theirs. Glory to You, my God, Lord Jesus Christ, you work miracles, one with the Father and the Holy Spirit! The Holy Spirit gives man faith, hope and love, like-mindedness in faith; He unites all people into one body of the Church, just as the soul unites all members of the physical body into one body. He cleanses sins, pacifies, enlightens, sanctifies, encourages, defeats the wiles of demons in us and drives away disembodied enemies (I cast out demons by the Spirit of God [Matthew 12:28]). My God was for me in these days, as before, the God of truth 51 of punishment and the God of immeasurable mercy and deliverance from my greatest evils and malices, especially from the immeasurable grief at my son-in-law Cornelius Alexandrov (in St. Petersburg), who took me extremely far, saying that he was close. I reviled him in anger with offensive words of a fool and others, and through this I offended him, and most of all myself, having lost my peace of mind and boldness before God and people. It didn’t take long before I begged the Lord (and even when I arrived at the Molchanovs in Kolokolnaya Street (Vladimir Church), I was excited and killed in my soul), and only then, while riding in the carriage, I more powerfully appealed to the invincible mercy of God and received rich forgiveness of sins. And I was awarded this forgiveness many times before and after, on February 21 and 22. 22 in the morning, when we were going to the Fedoseevs. Oh, human passions! Oh, silent volcanoes for a time and at times destructively flaming! Oh, underground volcanoes that bubble from time to time! God! Quench them with Your mercy and the dew of the Holy Spirit! Saturday. Without serving the Liturgy for a whole week, I became extremely weakened in spirit and became extremely susceptible to the devil’s machinations; my heart died for God, became addicted to the world, and I, while serving the liturgy, almost died because of an insignificant temptation: I was indignant, upset at my sister-in-law Anna, who sent me thirty prosphoras to remove parts, suspecting her of sneaking around to people whom I visited for the purpose of prayer by invitation, and this suspicion, this hostility towards my sister killed my spirit, extinguished the fire repentance that burned within me; hellish tightness, death overcame me, hellish confusion filled my soul, darkness, shame, shame covered my face: I shrank restlessly in front of those present and praying; He made every possible effort to get rid of the satanic wiles in me and only after consuming the Holy Gifts did he calm down. What is it? – This is a passion, an addiction to the world; I accepted Satan’s slander for the truth, fell away from love for my sister, imagined her in an extremely false, disgusting form based on her actions because of the prosphora, just as I was once terribly worried about trifles about the local prosphora-maker Elisaveta or, it happened, about the sexton Mikhail Alex. Bystryakov. I should be all grief, and not all down, as happens; I must be all love and simplicity 52, benevolent to everyone in every possible way, and not envying other people’s happiness and well-being, contentment, but rejoicing as in my own well-being and contentment. Oh my God! How unkind, envious, evil, ungrateful, suspicious, suspicious, material-loving, self-interested, voluptuous, selfish, voluptuous, lazy, ungrateful I am. How long will I accept gifts and through them fall away from God, Who gave me all of Himself with all His eternal blessings? Deeply respect in yourself and in every person the Divine principle - the soul and place, value it infinitely above everything earthly, as perishable and transitory. Despise the flesh as transitory, but be diligent about the soul, the immortal thing 53. I thank the Lord for everything that happened from February 23 to this day, for delivering me from countless sins and passions through the prayer of repentance and for helping me perform prayers in different houses of the capital and Tsarskoe Selo in the presence of people of different classes and conditions (especially in Tsarskoe Selo with Mr. Ukonin, a wallpaper manufacturer), for all the success, for all the love and heartfelt disposition they had for me and me for them, for the whole world and for boldness, for all the breadth of heart that the Lord gave me before, during and after prayer, for all the gift of speech, for all the spiritual light that abundantly enlightened me. But forgive me, Master, my voluptuous movement of flesh and spirit in the apartment [...]. Saturday. Early mass. I thank the Lord for the miracles of salvation performed in me by His goodness and power during early mass in the removal of deadening feelings of addiction to earthly things and cooling towards God and neighbor and in the granting of life-giving dispassion, and abundant and sweet tears, and shameless service of the Divine Liturgy. After the late [mass] at the royal prayer service, the enemy managed to throw a spark of hostility towards the abbot into my heart, a spark ready to turn into fire, but for repentance and self-condemnation the Lord delivered me from the fire of hell and gave the dew of grace, peace and freedom. At numerous prayer services, the Lord delivered me for repentance from voluptuous movements of the flesh and spirit at the sight of beautiful and tender faces. Sunday. The devil caught me fiercely in Kronstadt (in the church during the service of the liturgy and after it) and in St. Petersburg and oppressed me, pinched me, darkening me, but the Lord, all-good and all-powerful, for my secret repentance and my strong cry to Him for salvation, sovereignly delivered me, giving me freedom, righteousness and boldness (twice he delivered me in a carriage, once in carriage, once in a sled while driving along the bay). Glory to the quick-to-obey Lord. Because of the precious cross, the embarrassment of incense [stained], because of the sexton who remained in St. Petersburg, or the painful grief in the carriage - everything passed by the grace of Christ. I thank the Lord for the tenfold deliverance of my weakness from deceit, violence and the killing of invisible enemies and from my passions nesting within me. I thank the Lord for the successful service by His grace and power, for the unfailing reading of the Gospel, for the unfailing service of Great Compline, for reading the last prayer of dismissal and litany with great boldness, for tenfold deliverances at prayer services. It is necessary to crucify the flesh with passions and lusts, but it advocates for the barely noticeable touch of others on me. All earthly goods, all precious metals and precious stones, like smoke from a censer, pass away and are destroyed, or like dust raised by the wind from paths. The soul, the image of the immortal God, is eternal and through Him alone lives, rests, rejoices, and is blissful for endless ages. She is incomparably more valuable than the whole world. Know its value and nobility and never prefer anything earthly to your soul; Respect equally the rich and the poor, the learned and the ignorant, the famous and the ignorant: equally all members of Christ. Friday of the Fifth Week of Lent. I thank the Lord for deliverance from many and great spiritual troubles that came upon me from the machinations of Belial, especially during worship in church and at home, and outside of worship. Mountains of misfortune lay on me, but the Lord moved even mountains and gave me lightness and peace. I praise the eternal goodness, the eternal almighty power. Forgive me, Lord, for drinking wine: I drank quite a lot of wine last night (at Coralli’s, in the hotel room of the visitors). A crafty demon rushed at me at night (in the morning) (in a dream) in the form of a black nun. I got scared, woke up, crossed myself - and calmed down! Other demons, up to twelve times of spells and prayers, do not come from people by God’s permission. Saturday. I thank the Lord for delivering my weakness and thinness from the great spiritual troubles generated by the machinations of Belial as a result of my pride, partiality, and malice (I took communion to the people with great faith and zeal, saying: we are members of His body... and so on [Eph. 5:30] and: So and so partakes of the Most Pure Body and Most Pure Blood of Christ our God... But then one poor woman came up, who sometimes she begged for alms from me, a stranger... and I despised her, became extremely upset with her... became embittered... and suddenly I was deprived of grace and words and could no longer speak words of faith and love... I began to diligently repent... and half an hour later the Lord had mercy, returning His grace). Then the Lord delivered me from sorrow and hardship for abruptly, with bitterness, tearing off the hair of the beggars, when I fervently repented in secret. And many, many times the Lord delivered me before prayer services, during prayer services, from my sins and the wiles of the devil. How many more passions do I have! Thanks to the Lord and His Holy Mysteries, I served Matins, Mass and prayer services with grace, without stumbling, and Mass with tears. Saturday (raising of Lazarus). I thank the Lord for His extraordinary, great, life-giving benefits to me and to His faithful people, who called me to pray to Him, for all the mental and physical healings accomplished by His grace by calling upon His name with one accord. I thank the Lord for His extraordinary, life-giving benefits to me, a sinner, today, when twice and thrice I was struck by melancholy, crampedness and spiritual death at the news of Abbot Paul’s rebuke to the governor regarding the chapel in Bykov’s house. I prayed to the Lord earnestly and got rid of melancholy and sadness. I thank the Lord for all the previous deliverances of the Lord. Today my stomach (stomach) has completely recovered from the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and even before mass it was seething. God bless. Morning. Palm Sunday. Five o'clock. I thank the Lord for the miracles of deliverance and protection from invisible enemies and passions (voluptuousness, greed) in the carriage and in the carriage (on the St. Petersburg side of the factory). Oh, how the passions of life humiliate and destroy a person - a Christian person, who should be all grief in God, who contains everything and replaces everything. Go through and often mentally go through the entire content of the Sacrament of Baptism, all the prayers and become completely imbued with them. The devil, knowing the height of these prayers, overshadows and paralyzes the priest’s heart with worldly addictions and passions. But the priest must stand above all earthly things and live in God and by God. How many internal falls and how many uprisings by God's mercy and grace! How much Divine mercy - and our cruelty! How much is our unfaithfulness - and God’s faithfulness, holiness, truth, peace, His blessedness in us, justified by His grace! How many secret falls and how many uprisings by the grace of God! How many wounds of the devil from morning to evening and how many healings by the grace of Christ my God! Glory to Thee, Lord! How many secret falls into vain anger, into secret, inner voluptuousness! What terrible violence of sin! What underground intensified work of evil spirits! But how graciously, quickly, and powerfully the Lord comes to the aid of the one who sincerely repents, who recognizes his sins, and who laments over them, and who sincerely condemns himself! The entire first Gospel of John (one of the twelve), read by Archpriest Father Paul, the enemy tormented me with disgust from the abbot, and I repented and cried about the malice! Great Heel. Confessed at twelve o'clock in the afternoon with Father Porfiry. Last night there was prodigal desecration from a treat at Markov’s, the birthday boy the day before. Crush. How many secret falls - and how many liftings of my weakness by the power of God's grace! As soon as you cry from your heart, as soon as you cling to the holy throne with a secret prayer of repentance, you will be saved and revived! Oh, the abyss of God's mercy! Oh, the abyss of good obedience, hasty obedience, and the power of God! Oh hope! Oh, Christian joy! Great Saturday. I was subjected to severe temptation and punishment today just before Matins and at the beginning of it through my anger at a beggar boy of thirteen years old, Justin, whom I angrily pushed from the corridor of the Assumption Church outside the gate. I was embarrassed, and wounded, and engulfed in hellish fire, and barely begged the Lord to deliver me from hellish trouble. Then, while censing the icons in the church, someone touched me from behind and kissed me, and at this I was upset and barely begged the Lord to deliver me from the waves of sin: so strong was the intrigue of Belial the devil. This is from yesterday's gluttony and wine drinking. I drank four glasses of sherry in the evening after confession. Trouble without the Holy Mysteries! But I still don’t allow my spiritual sisters in and I get annoyed that they often come up to me. We need to come more often. Grief without communion! Today after Matins I was upset at the confessors and confessors for coming at the wrong time, and again God’s anger is against me, sorrow and distress for my malice. One must willingly serve God and people, with zeal and love, and not laziness and sparing oneself. I thank the Lord for not abandoning me in the difficult, captivating temptations of the enemy and for his obvious help in them during worship, especially the liturgy. Glorify Your name again and again, O Lord, and let not Your servant be put to shame, not in one way, before all persons, before every congregation. Today I served mass well by the grace of God, with tenderness and peace. I sent a letter to Father Vasily Gilyarovsky. I'm going to St. Petersburg. Bless, Lord, and cleanse all my sins. He gave alms to the poor with grief and reproach, without the zeal, humility and desire with which it was appropriate; He pulled one beggar by the hair and pushed him hard. I have sinned against the Lord, I repent and ask for mercy, and in the future I ask you to give willingly... Although there are extremely many of them, the Lord is also very merciful to me and generous. God! Glory to Your bounties! Let me love and have pity on the poor. Fomino Sunday. After early mass and prayers. I thank the Lord for the miracles of salvation and the power of God, which revived me, mortified, suppressed by my sins: intemperance, gluttony and excessive drinking of wine in St. Petersburg with Andrei N. Rusanov. Three times for the sake of my faith and repentance and my intense secret prayer, the Lord rescued me from a secret spiritual trouble, when sins carried me away and tormented me, but I did not lose hope and prayed, knowing that the Lord will not put to shame the one who trusts and asks, and will be revealed to the interpreter [Matthew 7:7; Luke 11:9 ], and the doors of God’s mercy were opened to me, and I served after the Gospel in peace, freely and graciously and in a triumphant spirit. Glory to the power and salvation of God (the devil aroused murderous hostility towards both the rector and the prosphora server because of the stale and loose prosphora with emptiness, and I drove away the rigmarole of passions from myself with repentance and prudence). Three o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who again and again tamed in me the anger and secret rage of hell against Father Superior Pavel Trachevsky for his uncommunicative, self-isolated, ice-cold disposition. Instead of praying for him, may the Lord soften his heart and make him sociable, I partook of the devil’s malice against him and fell away, just as I often fall away from Christian love for him, imagining his indifference to the Church and to the service, complete indifference to his fellow servants, hard-heartedness and pride towards the poor, striving only for my own material interests and forgetting that I myself am subject to the same and even greater sins. For a long time I struggled with secret anger, going to a prayer service with a relative of General Komarovsky, and while still in her apartment I struggled with the oppression of the devil, repenting to the Lord and diligently calling on His name; Finally, the rapist of every sin - the devil - retreated from me. After sleep (I slept for an hour, from eleven to twelve), the enemy in me is especially strong. Eleven o'clock in the evening. Again, the demon of malice tormented me for a long time with secret anger towards Father Superior Paul - I kept repenting and appeasing the Lord, and was delivered. It is not I who will be responsible for him, but he himself, the abbot. And this is enough for me not to judge him and not to be angry with him, but to pray for him with love, as well as for myself. God! How bitter is the devil’s malice, which always creeps up on us insidiously, slyly, deadly! Grant us, Lord, to have love among ourselves. Remember, Lord, Your servant Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky in Your Kingdom and place in him care for the parish, for the brethren, for the church, for divine services, for the shepherding of the flock. Monday. I endured a terrible, deadly, hellish, fiery storm today throughout early mass (an order from the sausage maker Balabanova) because of the empty reason itself - because of the unequal prosphoras prepared for the proskomedia, and because of the parishioners’ prosphoras that seemed small. I should have despised the multi-passionate flesh and accepted callous things as soft, not caring about pleasing the belly, and completely abandon the care of the insatiable, greedy belly, but the opposite happened: because of the greedy belly, I violated the love of God and neighbor - the main thing of the law and the end of it, I did not pray heartily, not calmly throughout mass in an exhausting, multi-cold 54 war with the beginnings and the authorities and rulers of the darkness of this age! Woe to me, damned ignoramus. Finally, the Lord's grace overcame the opposing forces. God! Grant me to be dead to the world and to all five senses that connect me with it, dead to sin, but alive to God [Rom. 6:11]. I thank the Lord many times, especially during and after the early liturgy, who delivered me from the death of sin and from the snares of the enemy, and then many times in the houses of parishioners before and during prayer services (out of grief at the multitude of them) and outside prayer services on the street, when I was walking around the yard in the evening or riding in a cab. Glory to God, our Savior! I thank the Lord for the constant salvation of my weakness from the devil’s wiles and my passions for my sincere repentance: now I was upset with the poor, now with Father Paul, now with my family for their unbearable slander against my good benefactors. It’s impossible to count how many spiritual deaths the Lord saved me from! And how close the Lord is to the brokenhearted! He is with us. Millennial Remembrance Day of Saints Cyril and Methodius. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the liturgy for repentance from the death of sin in my soul and from the seclusion of hell through a secret prayer of repentance in secret grief at the innocent father of the concelebrant rector Paul. Oh, what mercy and what power of salvation the Lord showed in me after the Cherubic Song, or rather, after communion of the Holy Mysteries with repentance and faith! I have become new instead of old, peaceful, strong, alive instead of dead! In the evening, he sinned gravely with the beggars: he tore his hair violently, punched one of them in the snout for impudence and repeated begging, although he gave everyone a ten-kopeck piece from Denisovo money. After all, it’s not my own money, but someone else’s, but I’m still angry, damned, and I regret giving, worthless, selfish, proud, proud, impudent, voluptuous, hard-hearted, inhumane! Forgive me, Lord, again and again, a damned sinner! Monday. I thank the Lord, who helped me yesterday in prayer in St. Petersburg houses and gave me faith and boldness until I recklessly allowed myself some excess in food and drink, especially at [Vargushskaya] (drank a glass of strong sherry); After that, with Mr. Glazunov, I no longer had the courage: my heart became coarse, foggy, confused, and weak. However, I read the prayers from the book quite decently, although without any particular strength and grace-filled boldness. The son of Mr. Glazunov, Ilya Ivanovich, also did not pray particularly boldly, but stumbled from embarrassment. Oh, wine and food! Oh, excessive sweetness! Cranberry jelly... Monday. This morning, at early mass, I was subjected to a cruel, murderous temptation of Satan because of a trifle, because of an empty thing - because of small and loose prosphora and because of my heartfelt grief at the prosphora maker Elisabeth, envying her business as a merchant and suspecting her of guile and trickery. I was tortured, killed by these thoughts, fell away from love for God and neighbor, and barely through repentance was granted the grace of forgiveness and peace; after that he celebrated the liturgy with boldness and love, and after mass he again fell into temptation because of the prosphora, which, I note, I myself do not eat. Barely after the severe torment of hell, I bowed to the Lord's mercy. Oh, satanic wiles! I should be all grief, but here I was all down. Tuesday. Today I accidentally met Father Superior Pavel serving Matins instead of Father Klepachevsky: Father Pavel will perform the funeral service for the deceased, that’s why he served Matins. The attacks of insane anger in me against Father Pavel were extremely murderous, hellishly oppressive. I barely got rid of them through repentance and prayer, and then not completely. Grant me, Lord, to love him heartily as myself, for in him everything is mine, human, even more: in him is Your Divine principle, Your image, just as in me, a sinner. He is your member and our member, although he does not love us, but loves money and his “I” more. But this is a weakness, an illness, we must pray for it with love, so that the Lord God will change it; Yes, I also need to pray for myself, so that the Lord will change me for good. Oh, demonic violence! How fierce it is! How the devil tries to make me a participant in his malice, his hatred of man, his envy, his pride, his abomination! So he arms me with a prosphora bowl because of bad, empty or extremely callous and small prosphora! Aren't I full of God's gifts? But also fed up. The alpha and omega of everything is love. Give me love for everyone, Lord! For all are Yours, Your image is in all, You are in all. I read and sang the canons at Matins, resisting the devil’s malice, and the stichera were praising and verse (to the Chosen Voivode) and Even if thou didst descend into the grave... 55 I thank the all-merciful Lord, who revived me many times when I was killed by the machinations of the fierce Belial and my worldly passions (because of the prosphora) or the passions of anger and grief towards the poor or others. Most of all I thank the Lord, who revived me at the beginning of the liturgy on April 12, Friday, and then before and during prayer services in different houses. I thank the Lord, whose grace attracts the hearts of all to me and makes them good sheep at my feet. But I firmly forbid them to bow at their feet, saying that I myself am the first sinner, while they often call me a saint. I tell them: one God is eternally and immutably holy, as the source of shrines, the Most Pure Mother of God is holy, the Heavenly Angels are holy, the saints of God are holy, glorified and unglorified, known to the one God, and I am a sinner along with you. I am hard-hearted with some beggars who constantly beg: last night I wanted to throw the beggar guy Justin to the ground many times in annoyance at him to get away from me, although he, thanks to his strength and dexterity, remained on his feet. I repent. Sunday. Evening. And today, from morning until late evening, Divine mercy triumphed many times over my malice, over my infidelities, when I, with great compulsion, secretly repented to the Lord, before Whom I had sinned, violating the whole law, which is love. And now (twelfth hour of the night) the Lord performed in me the greatest miracle of His mercy and His power, destroying in me, in my soul, death and demonic evil violence (I was angry with the beggars that there is no end to them, that I give them all day - and they all appear again). Oh, my stinginess! Oh, my greed! Oh, ingratitude to God! Oh madness! Oh, the absurdity! Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who, through my intense secret prayer of repentance, delivered me from the devil’s pressure and drowning by a gluttonous dream (at the sight of the looseness of the prosphora), then by fornication and, finally, from embitterment towards the beggars who were chasing me. Oh, how poisonous and deadly are the attacks of the evil one! How sweet and life-giving is the mercy of God, the grace of God! Tuesday. The adversary devil tore me terribly, wounded me mentally and killed me on the spot during and after [even] early mass, entangling me in the net of his malice (Father Paul is supposedly to blame for everything) and carnality (the belly: loose prosphora supposedly), and barely through repentance I received mercy from God, for I am not worthy of mercy, as one who philosophizes earthly, and not heavenly, although I carry a heavenly, angelic, idolizing dignity, elevating everyone to the heavenly, spiritual, incorruptible, eternal. But throughout the entire day at prayer services and after them, when the devil was killing me with his charms, the Lord mercifully delivered me through prayer enhanced by repentance and mystery, and my spirit triumphed over the wonderful mercy of God, and I had fun, and I boldly performed prayers, singing and readings (at Boyle’s christening). Glory to the Lord! Midnight Wednesday. During Matins, a spirit of malice attacked me at the sight of the Father Superior in the altar and managed to throw a spark of enmity into my heart, which almost turned into fire. I resisted and repented secretly. Freed from reading and singing, I wanted to say hello to Father Pavel, but he went off to sell candles. During late mass, violent hostility flared up again, which was barely extinguished; Satan is terribly persistent and wants to make me a participant in his malice. But I prayed for Father Paul and for all the brethren, that the Lord would give us unanimity and like-mindedness. He represented the community of nature in the image of God, the union of Christ and the Church, common service, participation in the Sacraments, common shepherding of the souls entrusted to us. The evil one departed, and the Lord had mercy on me. It was hard for me throughout the procession. Thursday. How much mercy and salvation I have received from the Lord even on this day, starting from Matins, or from the morning until late in the evening. My infirmities, sins and passions are still the same, the attacks of invisible adversaries are the same, the ulcers and wounds in the soul they inflict are the same, and the Lord delivered me from all of them for repentance. I thank the Lord for the gift of liturgy and communion and for help in service. Thank you for delivering me from the consequences of my anger at the drunken sexton Andrei Ivanovich (how I was broken and killed morally, how [...] in my apartment I prayed with kneeling in repentance and was now delivered, pacified, revived, emboldened!) and in other houses (anger against the poor). Glory to heavenly mercy! For me, a sinner, I am ashamed of my sins! In the Duma Assumption Church, there was a temptation before mass through one who wanted to receive communion, Anna Gerasimovna: she asked for communion - I refused with bitterness, because often she receives communion when she is not ready. He recognized his guilt before God and told Deacon Vladimir Poletaev, condemning himself and praising the pious woman. It became easy. During mass, there was an extremely grave temptation through the sexton’s voice, through the appearance of his voice, which I did not like; I barely begged the Lord to deliver my passionate soul from the temptation of the enemy, and I was delivered. About the waiter Alexey mass: he died in adultery, without repentance and communion. Deliverance from sins and cramped conditions in Osetrova’s apartment; in the apartment of captain-lieutenant 56 Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev outside the St. Petersburg Gate (he knocked over a beggar by the collar because he was asking for alms - cramped conditions, sorrow, death of the soul) he was delivered through secret repentance; soon after leaving Alekseev there was again a tightness through the movement of the heart towards voluptuousness; secret repentance, quick salvation. Glory to God the Savior! I'm ashamed of my face! How many weaknesses, sins, infirmities, stumblings, inclinations! Saturday. The temptation that occurred today at Matins and early mass was terrible and surpassed in cruelty all previous temptations. Due to the fact that last night I drank wine and vodka at Lieutenant [D...] and Alekseev’s and before drinking I clinked glasses with them (the first, the lieutenant, smoked tobacco) and ate herring and anchovies with hot English sauce, my stomach upset worsened, and I became so nervous, devilishly ticklish that everything offended me, the most innocent objects, even the touching singing of the deacon, and I could not read the canon well at Matins, and at Mass I was a martyr of martyrs, although not a righteous martyr - a martyr of his passions, receiving what is worthy according to his deeds. Even my prayer did not help me throughout the mass: I was abandoned by God - the temptations were so fierce! Secretly I was against everyone and everything! Only the communion of the Holy Mysteries alleviated my terrible condition, and even then during communion I could not be calm, I shrank and broke down, wanting to get rid of the devil’s scorching poison. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I completely calmed down. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy and pronounce the word about living water and about prayer in spirit and truth [ John 4:23–24;7:38 ]. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the infirmities of my soul and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries for cleansing, sanctification and confirmation. I thank the Lord for the miracle of salvation from the devil’s malice in the Assumption Church through intensified (internal) prayer, for the enemy managed to throw into my heart the deadly, scorching poison of malice and wickedness regarding Father Paul, who was performing the service, insidiously instilling in me that he, Father Paul, was thinking evil about me, meanwhile I was soon convinced that this was a lie and Father Paul, like a kind and gentle father, was affectionate towards me. It was not in vain that I prayed to God for him, as well as for myself. How quickly the Lord obeys me, a sinner! But how evil, and cunning, and insolent is the adversary the devil, who sows evil and confusion in us! So it intensifies, pits man against man, one against the other! And let us, Christians, brothers and sisters, be zealous for love and let us be diligent about love: it is the fulfillment of the law. I thank the Lord for deliverance through the prayer of repentance from many all-destructive, poisonous wiles of the devil that acted in me at different times, in different places and under different circumstances, especially 26, on Friday evening upon awakening from sleep, and before the service of prayers and during and after them in Bykov’s house (sleepy despondency, melancholy, extreme irritability). I repent before the Lord of my anger and insolence before the beggars, to whom I give alms, not having mercy in my soul, but being indignant and furious at them for their secondary and tertiary approaches and begging: I hit one on the cheek with my fist and almost in the eye, I dragged the other by the hair (the crooked one). Have mercy on me, Lord, and do not commit this sin to me, and teach me to give alms in a manner pleasing to You, the All-Merciful. Sunday. I thank the Lord for His usual mercies and deliverances to me, which are countless, during divine services and outside of it, in the homes of the laity; I thank you for the cleansing, enlightenment, healing, for the constant help throughout my life, for without Him I am weak, endlessly sinful every minute, every hour, day and night. I thank the Lord for his help and success in prayers, for granting healings of soul and body to me and to the many faithful who called and are calling with me His wonderful, gracious, omnipotent name, for the feeling of consolation and joy for me and His faithful during and after prayer. I thank the Lord for the words of reason and wisdom put into me through my prayer to Him, the source of wisdom, and for all that is good for me and people. The anniversary of Father Alexander Taratin was very solemn and for him it was very flattering and profitable in a material sense (rich silver table and tea sets, moire 57 for duckweed and cassock). God bless! The hero of the day deserves it. Tuesday. Today, during Matins, after an intense secret repentant prayer to the Lord, it was as if some fiery or poisonous scales fell from my insides (the enemy’s malice), and I felt a sweet, life-giving fire, not scorching, but watering my soul and body, and I rejoiced at the mercy of God and the salvation of me, a sinner, and how solemnly I read and sang and consoled all those praying! Since Easter and for five weeks I had an upset stomach, not harmful, but useful, cleansing. I thank God, the guardian and doctor of my spiritual and physical life! Look at everyone and everything in God, who created everyone and everything for Himself, and you will avoid temptations and addictions that are harmful to you. Everything was created purely, unblemished, wisely, beautifully, for good and pure purposes. Alas for me! My old man, in holy communion, seeks bodily, not spiritual saturation, and instead of the ever-present life 58, which is in the Holy Mysteries, seeks a material means to transitory life, and instead of the life of God, he pours into me the poison of the devil, a scorching poison, until I, through repentance and faith, and fervent prayer, win victory over my old man and the devil nesting in him. But glory to Your countless victories over Belial, who fights and wounds me! I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the Sunday liturgy and during prayers in St. Petersburg in the women’s monastery, with Glazunov, with secretary Zuev, with the director of the second gymnasium Smirnov and others. Monday. Birth of the Tsarevich's heir. During early mass, I was delighted by the Lord’s gift of voice to me after three days of voicelessness, which was the consequence of an influx of purulent, scrofulous matter to the larynx or lungs. But the devil baked me with hellish fire at the end of mass (loose prosphora) in the Duma church and in the cathedral at a solemn meeting because of the rector, Father Paul, generating extreme anger towards him. But the Lord, through repentance, extinguished his anger, which tormented me terribly, threefold. I realized all its absurdity. From St. Petersburg. I experienced and endured the strong agony of the devil’s malice in repentance and prayer, when I was sitting in the carriage with the others Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina; Why, I thought, does she climb into the carriage to crowd! Especially in the lumber workshop 59 on Bolshaya Konyushennaya it was extremely difficult for me. I realized my wrongfulness and ingratitude, pride, I remembered her wonderful qualities, her services to me and through me to countless people, her merits before God: God was glorified and is glorified through her and through my unworthiness - and the Lord delivered me from the devil’s malice. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who showed me wonderfully gracious obedience to the humble prayer of my repentance at the beginning and throughout the continuation of mass, and at the end of it, and after it, and who delivered me from heart dryness, melancholy, irritability, unlove, and instead gave me peace, upliftment and revitalization of the spirit, freedom, peaceful, in the rightness of the heart, celebration of the liturgy and communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Thank you for the gift of repentance and for the tears of tenderness. At the end of the day, eleven o'clock at night. I thank the Lord for mercy after a quarrel with my wife and her unrighteous reproachful speeches to me. I thank the Lord for his help during prayer services. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me these days, during and outside of services, from the fierce violence of the devil, from the fierce dreams of Satan (the touching variations of sexton Andrei Oktoev at mass while singing [...], and for this I am involuntarily embittered at him; [...] delusion terribly captivates and kills all the strength of the soul). I thank the Lord, who delivered me for the sake of intense repentant prayer during the all-night vigil from the devil’s cunning and killing and who gave me righteousness, health, and integrity of spirit, and peace. Glory to Thee, all-righteous, sweetest King Jesus, physician of our souls! Glory to Your prompt obedience! Sinners! There is eternal truth, there is God, there is eternal torment for unrepentant sinners! There is a devil, there is eternal punishment for the apostate angels with their head - Satan. Oh, how omnipotent I am and how prone I am to every sin, secretly and openly! How hard-hearted I am! Yesterday, May 11 (Saturday), one beggar was severely pulled twice by the hair for annoying him by begging, being often drunk; and how many other sinful attempts there are - they are countless! God! Be merciful to me, a sinner, and through your destinies, teach me Your truth and save me, unworthy, for Blessed are You forever and ever. Amen. May 12. Holy Trinity. Holy Trinity Day. I commemorate the greatest and most wonderful blessings of my humble soul of the Lord Jesus Christ, who sovereignly delivered me through an intense prayer of repentance from hellish sorrow and cramped conditions and the fire that burned during the liturgy at the beginning, when I was upset by the refusal of a place without any guilt to my faithful and zealous servant Evdokia. All my hellish despondency and all my oppression was dispelled, destroyed by the omnipotent Lord, and from the dead, truly from the dead, he raised me up and gave me the peaceful service of the late liturgy with vespers, and received communion without condemnation. Then, before the service of prayers at Exchange No. 49 (with the German Schierenberg, a former high school student) and in Goncharov’s house at Lebedev’s (mezzanine), melancholy, sorrow, and anger at my wife’s self-will and hard-heartedness towards the servants again took over me, and again in repentance and self-condemnation I turned to the Lord with a secret prayer - and both times I was again pardoned, spared, delivered, revived, peaceful, invigorated. What happened and what did the all-good and all-merciful Lord deliver me from! Let me go ahead and conquer evil at home with good, and let me never defeat evil with evil under any circumstances. I sinned: in anger at my wife (for refusing the good servant Evdokia without my consent), I sent her to hell, while she tenderly offered me her service - to take my boots off my feet, although I never want this, always taking them off myself. Holy Trinity Day. This afternoon at about five o'clock there was a thunderstorm and heavy rain. Glory to the Life-Giving Trinity, reviving the heavenly world! Glory to the Lord, who has had mercy and revived me, who was killed by sin, irritation and anger towards my wife! Reconcile her to me, Lord; Lord, I don’t want to live with her in discord and enmity, although she offends an innocent person, and so does her sister. Remember, Lord, and her sister Anna, who does a lot of evil to innocent and charitable people out of pride, malice and envy. From the 12th to the 13th, the devil tormented me in my sleep with a sleepy dream, as if some mazurik had exchanged my gold crosses and with precious stones for simple, silver, fragile, brittle ones, as well as my watch, and this mazurik-demon with various combinations made me extremely sad. Then some archimandrite got involved in the matter... and so on and so forth. According to Your goodness, wisdom and Thy almighty power, turn to me for good everything that my household - my wife and sister-in-law - do; in the abundance of Thy strength may they serve me and You, O Master, Thy enemies, and may they change from enemies to friends, may they be God-fearing and obedient, may they seek You above all else, may they not live only in vanity and alienation from You and even in the dream that they are doing deeds pleasing to You. All-Holy Soul, all-good, all-powerful, all-creating, all-changing, all-preserving in the spiritual and physical world, change our hearts to Your glory - mine, and my wife’s, and my sister Anna’s, take away from us all hostility and plant firm and unfeigned love that never falls away. Amen. Whit Monday. Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, for all the wonderful deliverances of me from sinful melancholy and sadness on the ship yesterday (May 13, Monday), when I, remembering the hostility of my partner [...] with me, had melancholy in my heart and, having prayed secretly with zeal, felt complete deliverance, and then in St. Petersburg and in Tsarskoe Selo - everywhere I prayed with peace, boldness, right conscience, [fertile], especially among the Ukonin manufacturers. Today again the grace of the Holy Spirit delivered me from many sins, especially attempts [...] and especially in the evening upon returning from [...]. The Lord accepted sincere, whole-hearted repentance and took away [stillbearing] sin from the heart and granted justification, peace and boldness. Glory to the Lord for the fact that this morning (at eleven o’clock) upon my return from St. Petersburg, the Lord changed [...]. Thank God that the machinations of the enemy are destroyed in every possible way by God, my Savior, and I always return to the bosom of God. Wednesday. Coronation. My early mass in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to carry out the heavenly service without stumbling and, after finishing it, to overcome the wild hostility towards the pious woman Anna Gerasimovna for her request for Holy Communion. “You want to commune very often,” I told her with annoyance, “and you’re taking up my time...” I agreed to tell her the heavenly gift (I communed last Saturday). But this is all her consolation. She is a poor, toiling widow, working day and night. In the evening I fell into delusion in Shlyapnikova’s apartment. God! Grant me to be faithful to You until death [Rev.2:10]. Wake up! Thursday. I thank the Lord, who revived me, killed by lust, for in repentance I earnestly called on the Lord, and He took away death and gave life. I thank the Lord for taking away my sins, when I was seduced by the beauty of the breasts of a girl who came out of the House of Diligence and was mortally wounded; After repentance and intense prayer, the Lord revived me and gave me peace. I thank the Lord for countless deliverances from the countless cunning of demons in me. I thank the Lord for the continuous service of the early liturgies in the Assumption Church and in the cathedral and for the constant deliverance from attacks of the passions of anger and voluptuousness. On the twenty-second, Thursday, there were three extremely burning, scorching attacks of Satan (anger towards Father Pavel and Paraskeva Kovrigina), and with great difficulty I freed myself from them through secret repentance. I thank the Lord for his help in prayers here in Kronstadt and in St. Petersburg and for the cordial disposition of all people towards me and for inspiring faith and prayer in them. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in St. Petersburg and in Tsarskoe Selo from the painful and disastrous agony of passions - hostility towards Paraskeva Kovrigina and from being carried away by voluptuousness from the view [...], but when I secretly prayed to the Lord in repentance, He delivered me from association with the devil and exchanged hostility for heartfelt disposition, respect and love. I suffered from hostility for a long time (from Telezhnikov in St. Petersburg and Tatarinov in Tsarskoe Selo). I thank the Lord for help in prayers and for the joy and consolation of those who prayed with me. Glory to You! Sunday and Monday. I thank the Lord for the immeasurably great mercy shown to me in St. Petersburg and in Kronstadt these days: in St. Petersburg in Myasnaya Street in the house where I prayed (embarrassed and repentant) for a woman whose family deceived me, supposedly not far from her apartment, while she was very far away. I was very embittered and all tied up, darkened, oppressed, deadened. The Lord revived, giving peace. Then, in the palace of Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna, the Lord mercifully delivered me from the greatest oppression for repentance and calling on His name. Today in Kronstadt I delivered many times for repentance and calling with faith and hope and in Oranienbaum (at Durdin Ivan Ivanovich). God bless! Incessant attacks of evil demons, mortal wounds - and incessant falling to the Lord and the speedy deliverance He bestowed on my wretched soul. Glory! During mass, I was in severe agony, which I endured comfortably through the unconditional mercy of God, through the goodness and kindness of the Lord: I was carried away by my carnal imagination, and by insane hostility. After Vespers at the Blessing of Water prayer, I was carried away by the devil’s anger secretly against the widow living in the house of Philip Stepanov, a family member (a staff official); here I was in a terrible fire, hundreds of demonic stings pierced me, and in the end the Lord delivered me, healed me, and pacified me. Glory! Slept until Vespers (one hour); I did something wrong by sleeping. I received multiple and varied salvation from the Lord when the destroyer the devil destroyed me with his wiles, especially during church services: matins, mass and vespers, and especially at the beginning of them, also during prayer services in Bykov’s house on May 31. I sinned: I betrayed the Lord Jesus Christ, and I desecrated the church of my heart with my concern for saving corruptible treasure in my pocket (money), and I fell away from the Lord, and I grieved the Holy Spirit, together with the Father and the Son, who dwelt in me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I repent! I accuse myself of madness, ingratitude, worldliness, or earthiness, when I should always be all grief, despising more. Friday. I thank the Lord for the many mercy and power He showed in me during Matins and the early liturgy and after it in church and outside, in Tsarskoe Selo, and again in Kronstadt (especially in delivering me from the acute lust in my thoughts), when I prayerfully repented. Glory! Saturday. Today, during early mass, at the beginning and then, the Lord surprised me with His boundless mercy in delivering me, through secret repentant prayer, from the powerful and terrible evil Satan, who moved my soul to strong hostility and contempt for Father Pavel Trachevsky. The enemy drowned me with his malice, killed me, [deprived] me of the opportunity to sincerely serve the Lord. Often, five or ten times, I fell to the throne of grace when I was completely freed from trouble. At the prayer services in Bykov’s house, he was terribly ashamed from worrying about the money in his pocket, and he was embarrassed and terribly oppressed - he could not say prayers; I betrayed the Lord, and He left me to suffer. At home [free]. I thank the Lord for countless deliverances from severe sins during and outside of worship. I thank the Lord for deliverance, as a result of secret repentance, from the secret inclination of the heart towards adultery, malice, hostility, envy and other sins. (June 6 in the evening during a walk at twelve o'clock in the morning.) Again and again I was unfaithful to You, the Lord of my life and my Redeemer from sin and death. Again gluttony and voluptuousness, again love for the flesh and the world. Again and again sins! Do not give yourself over to touch and do not allow yourself to be touched by a woman’s nature, a woman’s face, lest you be defiled by carnal knowledge and lest your heart depart from God, weakening you completely. Remember how the saints moved away. After Sidorov’s drunken dinner (on the occasion of the opening of the new [shipping company],) serving the all-night vigil with [Baron] Nikolai Ippolitovich Vrevsky was extremely difficult for me: my heart became weak, extremely fearful. I barely read the Gospel with gaps. On the morning before mass, I had a terrible devilish agony of hostility and bitterness towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who came with Evdokia Lvovna to the house of the Vrevskys (General Tuchkov): why bother meddling everywhere, although they came out of extreme affection for me and my prayer (pride, devilish malice). Through intense repentance I got rid of terrible misfortune, hellish fire and cramped conditions. Twice there was a terrible attack of anger. He served Mass with great difficulty and fear, behind the pulpit in secret, only the end was out loud - the doxology. Terrible heart powerlessness and demonic fear of people, darkness, crowding. God! How many troubles are due to gluttony, vanity and vanity (he regretted the precious cross, lest he smoke from the incense - madness, childishness at the age of fifty-five and in a priest who should be all above, spiritual, heavenly, and not earthly and carnal, passionate). How every earthly addiction destroys in us the love of God and love for our neighbor and deadens the soul and all its spiritual aspirations! Away with everything earthly! Come, heavenly, living, peaceful, holy! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from two fierce attacks and agonies of the devil in St. Petersburg (at the Shidlovskys and in Pargolov (the third)) - a hostile and selfish desire during prayer for money for my labors. I thank You, Lord my God, for You were for me God the Savior and the Physician in these days, and when I cried out to You in repentance, You mercifully heard and delivered me from the greatest troubles of sin and abandonment by Your grace. Oh, never leave me, Lord, for it is bitter without You. On June 25, at the beginning of the early liturgy and at the end, I was in the terrible fire of hell, from which the Lord delivered me after extreme secret repentance; in the evening after Vespers too. Every day [...] temptations, especially at the beginning of the service in the morning and before noon, and each time I received mercy and deliverance from the Lord. Yesterday, the 25th, I was in terrible temptation on the occasion of Father Deacon Poletaev’s non-arrival (due to a misunderstanding) at the beginning of Matins. The sexton got it wrong and didn’t say it properly. Both the deacon and the sexton were extremely upset; Through repentance the Lord had mercy and delivered. June 26. May all bodily organs - instruments of sin and the devil - crumble into dust, may all bodily members be cleansed and renewed and may they be pure instruments of God's righteousness; Let the foul heart rot, let the foul, blissful eyes rot! Let the hearing decay, let the hands, feet, head, and organs 60 all decay, the entire bodily composition, the sinful composition. The evil hunter of the universe caught me terribly today through the most empty chance: everyone came to the cross after mass and prayer service and kissed my hand, but the girl Ivanova, the daughter of Alexandra Mikhailovna, the widow of Ivanova (nee Semenova) did not kiss my hand (Anna), and the devil put malice against her in my heart, completely innocent, for she did it not out of pride and negligence - and even if it had been so! - but simply out of childish frivolity. Well, it burned through me, and for how long! All the time for confession after mass! How many times have I gone to the altar to repent before the throne of God and ask for forgiveness! May the will of the Lord be done: it serves me right - this is for my gluttony and for my pride and malice! Alas for me! I am often a participant in the evil of the devil! How can I escape his snares, being a sin-loving man! During Compline, I took care of a fox fur coat to air it in the sun - and again a deadly ulcer for the soul, again the enemy caught it and killed the prayer and removed it from God. Again repentance, self-condemnation, self-accusation, self-torture. I thank the Lord for His greatest salvation during the early liturgy and after it, for deliverance from the wiles of the devil, which were disastrous for me, for the gift of tears of tenderness, for the communion of people, for my own communion without condemnation. Glory to God who saves! In the evening after Vespers, the incorporeal enemy captured me through sight in the blink of an eye and wounded me for a long time; I repented, struggled, languished, prayed, and God’s mercy conquered my sins. Oh Lord! Give me the grace not to be seduced by the corruptible beauties of this world, but to always enjoy Your incorruptible beauty, to be captivated, to be conquered, to enjoy Your eternal sweetness. Glory to Thy all-blessing, O Lord, glory to Thy power, glory to Thy strength, glory to Thy salvation! Seven and three quarters of the evening on June 28th. I send thanks to the Savior God for His wonderful and speedy salvation of my unworthiness from severe sins and for the gift of the words of prayer of faith, with which I bowed to His mercy, intercession, and deliverance. I angrily tore the hair of two beggars - a big one and a small one (about sixteen years old), and hurt myself mentally, fell into grief and cramped conditions and scorching fire. I had grief, grave grief, grave sorrow, but I cried out with faith to the Lord for mercy with the wise words of the Holy Spirit and soon received peace and forgiveness. Twelve o'clock at night on June 28th. I thank the Lord, who heard the strong cry of my heart when, in the cramped conditions and sorrow of hell, I cried out to Him for mercy and pacification and expansion of my heart, and who soon delivered me from the dark power and from the poison of the serpent. I secretly became embittered with Alexandra Vasilievna, a pious old woman who often came to fast and receive communion, precisely because of her frequent confession and communion without special preparation. It was for this malice that the Lord punished me. I was pardoned in Bykov’s house after serving a prayer service with Elisaveta Vladimirovna Muratova and at the beginning of the service before a crowded meeting in the fifth room of Bykov’s house (one with the dance of St. Vitus). We turn away from ugly faces and are seduced by beautiful ones! O behold! Oh, partiality! Oh madness! I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance for the mental, secret sinful inclinations of adultery; On July 1, four times the Lord delivered us from the cramped conditions and sorrow of hell in the carriage and carriage. Just as the immeasurable power of the devil’s malice strives to destroy people and even animals (pigs in the Gospel, who perished at sea [Matthew 8:32], cattle who perished through the envy and malice of the devil in the book of Job [Job 1:16]), so the immeasurable power of God’s grace and love strives to save those who are perishing by sin, so the unsearchable love of the Mother of God for us sinners strives to save and cover us unworthy, so the love of holy Angels and holy people strives for the same thing, and it is not in vain that we always turn to the intercession of the saints, not to mention turning to the infinite mercy of God, which without number has mercy on us every day and hour, every minute. Glory to Thee, Lord! How long will tall, rich, beautiful faces have a charm over my heart when performing the Divine service? How long will my heart be adulterous and treacherous, will it offend the Lord and, as it were, renounce Him at the sight of my earthly idols? And what, if not idols, is everything before which our soul bows fearfully or adulterously? One God is great, rich, beautiful, desirable, sweet, and glorious. Evening. Eleven o'clock. After yesterday drinking champagne at the christening with Grand Duke Konstantin Konstantinovich at the guard officer in Oranienbaum, after cabbage soup with meat at my dacha and after milk (two glasses at the dacha) and tea with jam and one soft-boiled egg this morning I was extremely weak; the stomach is extremely upset; after communion of the Holy Mysteries I almost started vomiting with diarrhea... Thank God! I lay around all day until five o'clock. I visited the Markovs. I sinned with voluptuousness... Forgive me, Master Lord, for my repeated adulterous actions today. It didn't exist before. I thank the Lord, who heard the prayers of the Holy Church, which I prayed with my father the deacon (and once without him in Oranienbaum [...] in the house) for the gift of rain, and who granted rain with thunderstorms. I thank the Lord, who stopped my diarrhea last night, which lasted for a week. Inozemtsev drops and blueberries. I thank the Lord for the journey to Voronezh and Zadonsk and for everything that the Lord accomplished in Voronezh and Zadonsk and along the path forward and back, for all His mercies and miracles. I thank the Lord that everywhere people are attracted to me, like iron to a magnet, and express the greatest love and respect for me - not for my sake, but for the sake of God - and thirst for my prayer and conversation with the Lord. This is for the sake of the Holy Mysteries, which I partake of often, for the sake of the Lord who abides in me. I thank the Lord for all His miracles, through our common prayer (mine and those who prayed with me) in Voronezh, in St. Petersburg and everywhere, [and] at the highest court of Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna. For all the miracles of His mercy, be glory and thanksgiving to Him forever. Amen. To remember for the repose of John (General) Voznesensky and Martha (who died in Peterhof). Ten rubles and five rubles. Glory to You, benevolent Master, always show Your goodness, Your power, Your righteous judgments. I thank You, Lord, for the wonderful, sovereign, omnipotent deliverance of my weakness and thinness from the all-evil attacks of the devil that struck on July 31, when I rode in a carriage with Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina and Evdokia Tyagunova (distress for Paraskeva, why bother to ride with me, and she did it out of special zeal for me). There was an attack of the devil's malice on the abbot's father; I got rid of it by repentance and turning to the true path, to true thoughts and feelings of respect, condescension, and goodwill. May the Lord God remember him and me through his prayers in His Kingdom. Let there be no place for devilish malice in the heart, either against him or against anyone else. Love one another [John 13:34]. God is love [1 John 4:8], may we also remain in mutual love. If they hate us, we will love both those who hate us and our enemies [Matthew 5:44]. Let us philosophize on things above and not on earth [ Col. 3:2 ]. I thank the Lord for the daily service of the Divine Liturgy in Kronstadt upon arrival from Voronezh and Zadonsk and for deliverance from all evils. One should not allow girls and young women to caress oneself, so that defilement and secret adultery do not occur and [so as] not to anger the Lord. Saturday. How many cases of deliverance there have been today both in the church and in homes from outbursts of passions and the wounding from them and embarrassment and cramped conditions! Soon the Lord saved me through a prayer of repentance, secret and open! I thank the Lord, who assisted me in celebrating the liturgy and gave me warm tears. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from demonic lustful machinations on the Oranienbaum steamship (one hour of the day) and another time - from evil machinations. Monday. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the devil’s scorching anger (in the morning), directed at the gentle old man Father Paul, then from grief and anger at the sexton Demetrius of Kamenograd for his failure to accept my baptismal record. At home, I prayed earnestly to the Lord in unfeigned repentance, and - oh, miracle! “The Lord turned death into life, confusion into peace, cramped space into space, darkness into light, despondency into joy, night into day, guilt into justification. Glory to the unspeakable change! Glory to the riches of redemption! The Lord who saves me continually works miracles in me! I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, that You have repeatedly delivered me from the confusion and tightness of hell in St. Petersburg and Tsarskoe Selo and revived me with Your Holy Spirit after secret heartfelt repentance. The reason was Your servant Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who, out of her holy affection for me, wanted to follow me everywhere, both in the carriage and in the carriage, but I did not want this, I was secretly indignant at her and even despised and hated her, [although] then I humbled myself and appreciated her according to her property, admonished by the Lord, who betrayed me to the evil demon. I thank the Lord for all the good obedience in people’s prayers and for the confirmation of the Holy Spirit given to them and to me through prayers. I thank the Lord for the successful service of Matins, Liturgy (in the Assumption Church) and Vespers (in the Cathedral) on August 9 and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries by me and the laity, a hundred and fifty people or more. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who worked His mercies miraculously in me both in the church, in the Duma Church, and outside the church - at home, and in the houses of the faithful at prayer services, and in the second and first class carriage (to Ligovo), and in Ligovo, and everywhere - and revived me, often killed by sins (and in the House of Diligence at the prayer service and before the prayer service: because of the thought of saving money in your pocket, invisible enemies have seriously offended you). Sunday. I thank the benevolent and merciful Lord, who delivered me from the snares of the enemy at the Baltic Railway station (when I was having a snack) in the evening at seven and three quarters of an hour and then in a first-class carriage, and also in Oranienbaum in a horse-drawn stagecoach while it was parked. Father Archpriest Pavel V. Trachesky is a meek and well-intentioned, and not malicious, person, measured and sedate. We must respect him, and pray about his weaknesses and sins, so that the Lord will show him perfect. (Today to take the oath in the Oranienbaum court.) Monday. During Matins in the cathedral (it was not the rector who served, but Father Alexander Pavlovich, a military church priest), I was subjected to a terrible demonic storm, from which I hardly got rid of by the immeasurable mercy of God for repentance. She drowned me, killed my soul and body. The canon was read unhindered; in the Duma Church, at the beginning and almost throughout the mass before communion, there was a terrible temptation of the devil: because of the small prosphora for the laity, Elizabeth became embittered in absentia, envied her mercenary business, that she was craftily getting rich by charging dimes for small prosphora. With the greatest difficulty I got rid of hellish fire through repentance, having learned that the devil was playing with my soul, making me his food and trash. I learned that everything for me, all life is Christ, and He alone is enough for me, for my life, everything else in the world is like nothing, that every care must be taken for the immortal soul. I experienced what it’s like to be in the jaws of Satan through creeping into malice and greed separately or together into both (the rector and the cathedral’s prosphora-bearer Elisabeth), and if the Lord, in His mercy, had not accepted my repentance and enlightened the eyes of my heart, I would have been swallowed up by the hellish whale and the beast of the abyss. O Lord who loves mankind! Grant me to be faithful to You, Your Gospel and firmly fulfill the main principle, its essence - to love God and neighbor and not to fall away from love for the sake of vain things (food, clothing, money and other treasures). Grant me, Lord, sincere goodwill towards everyone, envy, kindness, condescension, simplicity, purity, truthfulness. I thank the Lord, who, through torment and struggle with opposing forces, cleansed and strengthened my heart and gave me the power to firmly and unfailingly say the liturgical dismissal with the mention of the appropriate saints and to say firmly and loudly the prayer behind the pulpit. Communion of the Holy Mysteries with faith, in repentance, delivered me from all the confusion and tightness of the devil and gave me peace, freedom, light, joy, life, boldness. Glory to Christ God! I thank You, Lord, for innumerable goodness and power, for You have repeatedly delivered me from the fierce demonic wiles, reviving me with the Holy Spirit and pacifying my heart (both in St. Petersburg, and in Oranienbaum, and at the Korsakov dacha, and in Kronstadt during prayer services in Bykov’s house). Woe to me, fiercely, terribly, I was mentally distressed during early mass from the machinations of the world ruler; The reason for temptation and misfortune was again the small prosphora for the laity, served by the Vladimir Church prosphora; It seems that Belial sent hundreds of poisonous stings into my heart and burned and oppressed me to the extreme, killing me. I strained all the powers of my mind and heart to refute his deadly wisdom in me, my greed, earthliness (instead of heavenliness), physicality (instead of spirituality), the desire for the corruptible instead of the incorruptible, for the temporary and transitory instead of the eternal, my heartfelt recklessness, madness, self-love, pride, carnality, covetousness and selfishness, envy of other people's acquisition and contentment, my anger, my caprice, immobility and inertia in spiritual correction, dullness, wildness of heart - and God’s boundless mercy defeated my passion and delivered me from immeasurable mental and physical torment and granted peace after the Cherubic song, when I wept bitterly about my sins, condemning myself sincerely. During the late mass there was dissatisfaction with Father Paul, who served as the cathedral mass, that he was taking too much care of himself, doing very little, and was putting burdens on us, although this is not always true. And again the demonic poison is in me, and again repentance and deliverance from God. Glory to God's mercy! I will never forget and will be gratefully grateful to my Lord Jesus Christ for His unspeakably great mercies towards me, revealed during matins in the cathedral and early mass in the Duma church, in delivering me from the scorching devil’s anger against Father Paul in vain and in vain, solely due to an absurd habit and the accumulation of evil in the heart against a man who hindered the deeds of mercy and philanthropy towards his neighbors, although one should only regret this, and not become embittered, and not add one’s greatest sin, that is, evil, to his sin. I also thank the Lord for delivering me, as a result of sincere repentance, from anger and [insolence] against the crooked beggar (I called him a slash and hit him in the snout twice with my fist) for his annoying begging for alms and attacking me when I ordered him to leave. Wonderful is the mercy and quick obedience of God! Secretly and openly I prayed to Him, the Lord God, before the prayer service and during the prayer service with Pavel and Fyodor (living in the Pole’s wing, Lebedev’s former house), and I rose from the dead with my pardoned soul. Glory to Thee, immeasurable Goodness that surpasses our evils. It was easy for me later to pray in Bykov’s house at prayer services. God bless! I thank the Lord, who gave me a warm, tearful prayer for the all-night vigil during the secret reading of the canons and akathists to the Sweetest Jesus and the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel (before the all-night vigil, I ate meat soup from hunger and it became a little heavy, but from the reading of the canons and akathists my soul became warm and the food ran out 61. Glory to the merciful God. The miraculous power of the Cross shows the Divinity of Christ the Savior, who suffered on it for us, and the immeasurable redemptive price of the divine-human merits of Christ in His suffering and death for us. By serving God, we hope to receive as a reward a shrine, an immortal and eternally blissful life in heaven! How joyful it is to serve the Lord in such hope and to endure all temptations with His help and deliverance! Sunday. The adversary besieged me fiercely just before the late mass, and I fervently prayed in repentance to the Lord, that he would deliver me from my sins and from the snare of the enemy, and I was mercifully, clearly, tangibly, life-givingly saved and throughout the mass I had peace in my soul. God bless! Then in the evening the enemy filled me with anger at two beggars who were chasing me for a long time and quickly (I even shouted at the cab driver that he was driving quietly), until I reached the Technical School (a prayer service in the inspector’s apartment near the footman), where before the service of the prayer service I sincerely repented and was pardoned, the accursed one. Glory to the Lord! Monday. The adversary the devil fiercely defeated and shamed me in the House of Diligence in the study hall during a prayer service; pierced by the all-dead sting of the serpent, my soul could not bring to the Lord peaceful, sincere prayer and reading the word of God and church prayers (two Gospels - and two omissions of several Gospel sayings, omissions in prayers). Dark forces completely engulfed me, perhaps because of the regent Kusov, and most importantly - for the sake of my sins, especially gluttony. After the prayer service, he secretly prayed to the Lord for mercy; Finally, he begged the Lord at home, fervently praying to the Lord. What a sinner I am! How weak I am! How disgraced! How much room there is in me for the devil and his deceit! God! Fill me with perfect love. Today I quarreled with the beggars and got angry with them at our fence. He took two of them, very lively ones, behind the gate, tearing off a button at the gate. Yesterday I ate quite a lot of meat; That’s why, by the way, today I am very irritable and passionate and devoid of grace. Extreme abstinence is required: bread, water, vegetables, stew made from cereals or small fish. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from the cruel consequences of my sinful inclinations and my passions and for the tearful repentance of these inclinations (out of town to Andrei Nikitich Sheremetyev and from outside the city to Dementiy Semyon, for prayer services), momentary voluptuousness - there were several such inclinations both in the city and outside the city. I praise Your mercy and Your steadfast truth, Lord! Strengthen my feet without hesitation to walk along the path of Your commandments. With the hands with which I often hold You, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, with those hands I often allow myself to caress the female sex, passionately touch and I betray You, Your most pure love, Lord, by allowing sinful, biased contemplation and partiality. But who is sweeter than You, more beautiful than You, Most Holy Beauty, incorruptible, eternal, incomparable! Who is more loving than You, Lord! As a result of my meat-eating, yesterday it was very difficult for me to serve the Lord: I was extremely powerless in spirit, despondent, overwhelmed by bitter temptations, especially at the prayer service in the House of Diligence before the start of the teaching and in church. There is no need to eat meat, and there was no need to eat it twenty-five years ago, not just now. My food and my drink are the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord. How long will I remain stuck in foolishness? The saints are not something separate from the Lord, but one with Him, for he who is united with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord [1 Cor. 6:17] and those who do not honor the saints do not honor the Lord, who rests in the saints. O you holy men of God, pray to God for us. O you, holy Archangels and Angels, pray to God for us, who rests in you and governs you, enlightening you, making you wise, beautifying you, fragrant, strengthening, and making you happy forever and ever! (Lutherans and Anglicans are unfair to all saints and especially to the Most Pure and Glorified Mother of God, for they do not honor them and their sacred images, while they honor in their images kings, queens, leaders, writers, friends, parents, children.) Lutherans do not have a Church - they have an independent society, not organized by God, not by Christ and not by the Holy Spirit. Every plant that My Father in Heaven has not planted will be uprooted, says the Lord [Matthew 15:13]. Afternoon. New and serious troubles and misfortunes befell me, the accursed one, today at early mass - temptation through the small prosphora of the Vladimir prosphora: a partial attitude towards bread (prosphora) killed my soul, [she drank] the terrible poison of the serpent. But the Lord accepted my all-powerful repentance, enlightened my heart, taught me to despise the many-passionate flesh and its imaginary needs (large prosphoras) and, having mercy, revived me, and I then performed the second part of the liturgy with a good feeling. Then, at twelve o'clock in the afternoon, I became extremely angry with Evgenia Petrovna Shlyapnikova for her tears and hugging my knees... I died in soul, left, came to the cathedral, prayed at the holy throne - it became easier, but it became completely easier after the second grade at the gymnasium: for my zealous repentance, the Lord healed me. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who gave me a source of abundant tears during the celebration of the liturgy (it began at half past eight in the morning, for the merchant Gulyaev - an anniversary: ​​twenty-five years of marriage) in the Assumption Church with the participation of choristers. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from the deadly demonic machinations at the end of the liturgy and after it before the consumption of the Holy Gifts. I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic wiles during and after Vespers, then at prayer services in different houses; I especially thank the Lord for your hasty obedience and sovereign deliverance from the machinations of demons in the house of Semenov at Lyubov Nazarova’s from touching the breasts of the sick maiden Akilina and from having an evil thought against Father Paul. In secret repentance, I begged the Lord to have mercy and revive me, killed by the sins of voluptuousness and hostility towards my neighbor. On Friday I served early mass in the Duma without matins, without preparation, silently reading only the morning prayers and the rules for communion. Late the night before, I drank two glasses of bitter vodka at the St. Petersburg railway station and ate quite a snack (at twelve o'clock in the morning). During the service of mass, I was subjected to a terrible temptation from Satan, I was in his jaws, from which, for repentance, the Lord tore me out of His mercy: the enemy crawled with anger towards Father Superior Paul, of which I sincerely repented; three times the adversary devoured me, and three times the Lord delivered me. Oh, how terrible was my situation! I was threatened with the curse of those who do God's work carelessly [Jer.48:10]. After communion, the Lord revived me completely, and I was delivered from the mouth of the dragon. In the gymnasium I was terribly sleepy: I slept only four hours at night. On the night of August 24, he almost became defiled by the devil’s unclean dreams. I saw a snake with burning eyes (in the form of a long pike or burbot). I thank the Lord for the numerous deliverances of me, the accursed, from deadly sinful tendencies through the prayer of repentance! Oh, damned me! On August 28, after the all-night vigil and prayer service at Zakhary Ivanovich Sidorov, a tanner, I, out of my greed, ate a lot of salted sturgeon and beluga teshka, and at night, both from this and from the rainy weather, my back hurt. Oh, greed, my greed, stupid, senseless! And in years like these, when I am fifty-six years old! Here I remembered the small prosphora, and the stupid, murderous indignation against the prosphora, that small prosphora are for the laity! O crafty, passionate flesh! In the evening, Chamberlain Demidov called me to the Petersburg Hotel (on the corner of Gospodskaya Street), and there I was embarrassed, reading a prayer of thanksgiving from satiety and wine, although I did not drink much. I am sinful, damned! It was terribly difficult to serve early mass after the gluttony of the evening: my heart was deadened and weakened. But, Lord! God! You gave me tears of repentance and I came to life. And how many tears! And even after them it has not yet been completely updated. Oh, what a sin is greed and gluttony and drinking wine! August 30–31 and September 1 I thank the Lord, who showed His mercy and power in me in Kronstadt and in the capital, in different places and at different times, through the secret prayer of my repentance. Now with anger at my neighbor, now with greed (desire for money), now with voluptuousness, the enemy tempted me terribly (at Deryabin’s in Staraya Derevnya). On the way back, I secretly repented for an hour, and the Lord miraculously had mercy on me. For this reason, in the Admiralty at Korguev’s, I prayed with the greatest boldness to the Lord and the Mother of God, with the greatest peace and space of heart. God bless! Monday. I served mass in the Duma Church without preparing matins, and I felt terrible, ill, I was in the devil’s mouth because of the sloppy, crumpled and crooked prosphoras. The whole mass is in confusion and cramped conditions. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I was completely calmed by the Holy Mysteries. Monday. Today, during early mass, the greatest misfortune befell me from evil demons due to my unpreparedness for the celebration of the Liturgy, for I served without Matins. The trouble arose because of the prosphora: I was secretly upset with the prosphora-maker Elisaveta Yaroslavtseva for delivering the prosphora with wrinkles and crooked ones, and as a result I fell from love for God and my neighbors, bowed down completely, to the earth, to corruption and fell from God, from heaven, from incorruption, from immortality, from deification. Man will not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God [Matthew 4:4]. I forgot this. Throughout the mass I was in terrible confusion, in cramped conditions and misfortune and hellish violence from Satan. Only after consuming the Holy Gifts and intense repentance did the misfortune pass, the Lord had mercy and saved us from cruel death. Glory to the Lord! There is terrible napping in the classrooms! In the evening, a new great pardon from the Lord for repentance. Glory to the Lord! I thank You, Lord, who healed the countless ulcers of my soul and who consumed my sins with the grace of the Holy Spirit and revived me, killed by my sins. I thank You for calling on Your holy name before people and about Your people and for the consolation and healing that came from this, for Your glory and for strengthening the faith of Your people. Amen. For three days both rows of teeth in the upper and lower jaws (on the right side, scrofulous) have been extremely painful (today it’s easier). Damp weather affects pain and colds from frequent travel and from the rotten air of the capital. I thank You, Lord, for Your mercies, poured out on me on September 5 during the service of the early liturgy in the Assumption Church and then during the service of many prayer services in [...]; I especially thank You that You soon listened to me, kneeling and repenting, in Petrova’s house on Ekaterininskaya Street on the tower, when I was angry with the owner of the apartment for inviting me to a prayer service, when I was already tired and I needed to talk with Kostin about a trip to St. Petersburg to see the Metropolitan. You soon saved me, pacified me, consoled me. The enemy [begins] to sow his tares in me and outrages me with the hostile actions of my family. Lord, deliver and save. Evening. Reception of me by Metropolitan Isidore (the deputies were rejected so that it would be more convenient, as it turned out, to scold me for nothing, for nothing, except for secret errors). He was extremely cold, unfriendly, stern, and offensive. The malicious slander against me by the archpriest, the rector of the cathedral and the brethren electrified him greatly. He found fault with everything: my crosses, my words, and my actions, and scolded me for the chapel, speaking slanderously, and for supposedly going beyond my borders. He mixed me with dirt, despised me, humiliated me. Oh, pride beyond measure of the metropolitan! Oh, callousness of heart, which never knew tears and never sympathized with anyone! Oh, feigned grandeur, inaccessible to us mere mortals! Oh, deadening coldness, in which there is not a spark of ardor! There are sparks in ice, but not here! At the age of twenty-five, I came to him three times in need and each time I came out as if I had been spat on. What kind of people are some of our hierarchs! There really is no soul in them! The Spirit of Christ - no, no! Four times the Lord delivered me from deep, painful despondency over a rude reception from the metropolitan (at twelve in the afternoon) between the hours of nine in the evening, the last time on the Sidorov (Oranienbaum) steamship, as a result of intense repentance and prayer of faith and burying myself from the devil who had settled in my insides. The Lord will reward all slanderers for me, starting with the crafty Archpriest Paul, for whom money is higher than God, and people are nothing if they do not serve his selfish motives. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the painful agony of devilish despondency and grief at the brethren of St. Andrew’s Cathedral, who slandered me in writing to the Metropolitan and aroused him into hostility against me. I suffered for about five hours, wondering what lengths my brothers, who lived and live in abundance through my labors, could go to with their slander, especially the rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky. On September 8 I was in St. Petersburg, spending the night from 7 to 8 in Nikolskaya street, house 72, apartment 12 (Nadezhda Adamovna). The Lord helped us pray successfully in many places. I thank the Lord. The love of people everywhere for me is ardent, enthusiastic, impetuous. Monday. I thank the Lord, who showed me the greatest mercy in reading the canons (after I vaguely accused the rector, Father Paul, of slandering me) and especially in serving the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries; I took communion with the people. I thank the Lord for helping me at prayer services and for delivering me from my anger towards Father Paul and the poor. The rector, Father Pavel, wrote a grave slander against me to the metropolitan, and on the guardianship agenda - slander and caustic ridicule of me. Judge, O Lord, those who offend me, overcome those who fight me [Ps. 34:1]. Protect, my Defender, Lord, for our abbot, impudent in words, will not stop slandering me and laughing at me! And remember my all-day labors, O Lord, and all the sacrifices made to Thy poor and needy people and to Thy churches. It’s time to act, Lord, and put your hand on the slanderer, and rebuke him, and show everyone Your righteous judgments, for he unjustly persecutes me and mocks me. The time of exploits: we must endure the slander of the abbot for Christ’s sake and endure it complacently, awaiting the visitation of God. It is necessary that the devil does not take his dues from me: despondency, impatience, confusion, bitterness, enmity, but let me remain in the love of God, praying for my enemies, so that the Lord will bring them to reason. May I remember the words of the Lord: Blessed are you when they revile you... and slander you in every way unrighteously for My sake [Matthew 5:11]. Grant me to rejoice in this. If I am sad about this, then I do not have faith, I do not have spiritual self-interest, and I do not understand the crowns prepared for me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times in St. Petersburg on September 13 and 14 (Friday and Saturday) from my falls into sin in my heart and tongue regarding the ride with me in the same carriage of the old woman Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina and regarding the speech about [the truth] of Metropolitan Isidore, who accepted the well-known slander of the abbot Pavel Trachevsky as the truth... I spoke sharply about him at the merchant Kokin and was embarrassed, and having repented, going up the stairs to the merchant [Azhaev], he was completely pardoned by the Lord and was healed. God! Giver of all good things to people! Let me remember and develop them. The human heart is a center of passions, and a richly nourished belly is also; from gluttony and abstinence, the heart is greatly changed either for good or for evil. Fasting is a rein of the heart, a rein of passion. I thank the Lord, who comforted me greatly and completely in grief and sadness over the persecution of me from the rector with shameless slander, arrogant, malicious, envious, absurd, before Metropolitan Isidore. The abbot, in the blindness and delirium of self-interest, malice and envy, charged me with absurdities, accusing me of disagreeing with the brethren, seeking and selfishness. Grant me the grace to pray for them, both for Archpriest Paul and for Metropolitan Isidore, for this is their mental illness - suspicion, slander, envy; without the special help of God and the influence of God’s grace on their souls, they cannot be healed. I thank the Lord for the general disposition towards me of the Orthodox Russian people and the Russified Orthodox and partly non-Orthodox foreigners. I thank the Lord for help in prayers and for success in prayers. Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for today at late mass you showed me a wondrous, speedy deliverance and help from the evil demons that have fallen upon my heart and killed my soul. I cried out to the Lord in repentance with faith - and received mercy. Oh, how bad it is not to serve me for two days and to be without communion of the Holy Mysteries! I am becoming completely weak, dead in my sins! Glory to the Holy Mysteries of Christ, life-giving! Glory to Divine ineffable goodness and wisdom! Glory to the Divine renewal of our nature corrupted by sin! Glory to God, who has deigned so well! Amen. Today, September 16, the Chief Prosecutor of the Holy Synod and Grand Duchess Ekaterina Mikhailovna will be at the House of Diligence. My slanderer, Father Pavel, turn around and burn, prepare an answer. Glory to God, who denounces the most evil and envious slander! Monday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the acute and fiery temptation of the devil, the reason for which was my irritated remark that my wife and sister-in-law should not keep the dog in clean rooms at night, so that she would not urinate on the floor at night and spoil it with her eruptions. Oh, how bitter the temptation was! I barely got rid of it through repentance and prayers and faith. Communion completely reconciled me with the Lord. Throughout the day, the Lord saved me many times, especially in Al’s apartment. D. Machigin before and during the prayer service, from the confusion, cramped conditions and shame that befell me for sharply hitting the snout of a beggar who was pursuing me near the house. Everywhere and everywhere is God, the God of my salvation, my peace, my life. God bless! Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly snatched me from the jaws of Satan, especially during the second early mass in the Assumption Church, and revived me through the communion of His Holy Mysteries: only through them am I alive and cheerful and prosperous in everything. Glory to the Lord! Glory to Christ’s renewal and deification of us sinners! I thank the Lord, who gave me the boldness to say the final litany without stumbling at Compline today. Grant me, Lord Lord, to pronounce all litanies and prayers without stumbling, fearlessly, freely. May my service be complete, without any deficiency, to the glory of Your name and to the salvation of Your people. I thank the Lord for the numerous deliverances and healings of my soul during the liturgy and then throughout the day in houses during prayer services. I thank You, most merciful and quick to obey, terrible in Your unapproachable glory and power, praise of the Angels and holy men. What will I repay You for all your mercies? I'm perplexed. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who to this day has been my shield and intercession from invisible all-evil enemies, for many times during Matins, and especially during mass and after, the Lord delivered me for secret repentance from countless wiles of Satan that confused, oppressed and burned me. He served Mass with tears (half of it), with boldness, without stumbling. I read the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal completely without any omissions. Glory to God, our helper and deliverer! Grant me, Lord, the grace to fervently pray for everyone and for my enemies who slander me. Enlighten them, Lord, and save them from the passions that darken and destroy them, for I too am a passionate person, guilty before You in every way. I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic wiles during matins and liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church and then throughout the day. He served Mass with tenderness, victorious over the enemies of salvation. Glory to the power and mercy of God, which does not abandon me, weak and sinful. (September 21. Morning.) I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from the great oppressions of the devil and the poison of the viper during Matins and Mass and afterwards. I thank the Lord for the profuse tears in the first class carriage on the way back at eight o’clock in the evening (Trachevsky and the Metropolitan). I thank the Lord for delivering me from the captivity of the devil through unclean lust while traveling by horse-drawn horse and by boat to Kronstadt. Sunday. Early mass in the Duma Assumption Church. As a result of drinking an excessive amount of bitter vodka (three glasses) at the Baltic railway station last night (three glasses) and delicacies right there, this morning I was extremely irritable and touchy: while performing proskomedia, seeing the prosphora, dried on top and inconvenient for removing particles, I was secretly upset at the prosphora maker Elisaveta, and through this the devil’s anger took full possession of me mass, and I was terribly embarrassed, oppressed throughout the mass, shivered and barely calmed down and calmed down after communion. In the evening of that day (late) in St. Petersburg with Anna Konstantinovna, he got angry while driving [...] and then prayed to the Lord and was delivered from Vladimir Ivanovich. Today the Lord accomplished a great deliverance in me: He delivered me from the great distress that befell me because of my grief at the beggars who fled far behind me. At home, I asked my wife to light the lamps in the living room, and she objected, saying that we would stain the walls with oil. This made me very sad and irritated and plunged me into cramped conditions and fire. But glory, Lord, to Your unspeakable mercy: You gave me repentance with tears and saved me from anger and bitterness. I thank the Lord for the gift of sincere prayer in St. Petersburg and Lesnoy and for delivering me from temptations. I thank the Lord for deliverance from acute, grave temptations when serving the liturgy in the Assumption Church without preparing Matins, for deliverance from grave cowardice, despondency, and melancholy when remembering the treacherous actions of the rector Pavel Trachevsky. I thank the Lord for delivering me from numerous wiles of the devil in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg and for helping me in prayers for people. I thank the Lord for my multiple salvation today, the 28th (Saturday), from the deadness of sin and for the gift of grace and life of the heart during the liturgy. Five times the Lord delivered me from spiritual troubles during mass and more than once after mass. On my way to P.S. Burachk, I met a private bailiff of the naval unit, who did not answer my bow. I was offended by this, and the enemy attacked me terribly. I barely got rid of the machinations of Belial through intense prayer. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for countless help during matins and early mass in the Assumption Church and after mass: there are countless temptations. I thank the Lord for the speedy hearing of the secret prayer of repentance in Gustavova’s apartment and for the sweet peace of God, for deliverance along the way from them (Ekaterininskaya Street) from the tightness of the devil that followed the secret infatuation with the face of Spyridon’s daughter Daniel. Mary, who was at the prayer service, and for keeping me everywhere with grace. The abyss of sin and the abyss of grace and mercy and the power of God are everywhere. September 30, October 1 and 2 I thank the Lord for delivering me from tightness and for giving me peace, space, freedom and boldness before God and people. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the all-night vigil and the late liturgy on the Feast of the Intercession of the Mother of God. Thank you for saving me in [Schwan's] apartment. I thank the Lord for your hasty obedience during my secret prayers on the locomotive, in the carriage and in various houses, when, when attacked by demons and malice, I resorted to the Lord in repentance and secret prayer. Oh, how close the Lord is to me and how quick to save me! O Sovereign Lord! Soon you will appear for the salvation of all who pray to you, as if you are invincible in mercy! I thank the Lord for reviving me, deadened by my sins, before, during and after the liturgy in the Assumption Church (at eight and a half o’clock in the morning). Friday. I thank the Lord, who revived me, deadened by sin, after the secret prayer of repentance in the cathedral during Matins and in the Assumption Church during early mass. Repeatedly after mass the Lord revived me, for sin is constantly trying to kill me. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy - the reconciliation with me of Father Superior Pavel Trachevsky; My prayer for this was not in vain and entered the ears of the Lord. Thank God for everything. I thank the Lord for Father Dean Vasily M. Gilyarovsky, who spoke kind words for me and about me to the rector and the brethren. On October 5, in the morning, I saw Metropolitan Isidore in a dream: he was sitting. I spoke to him on my knees, leaning close to him so that I could hear everything. At first he spoke to me incredulously and somewhat unfavorably, but I took the courage to convince him of my sincerity; finally he changed the spirit and tone of communication and bowed to my side and stood up, and when he stood up, he seemed extremely small in front of me, like a dwarf; I was surprised by his small stature. What does it mean? How small, I thought, Metropolitan Isidore. But such a great man in Russia. I thank You, Lord, for Your countless mercies on me, a sinner, performed both in Kronstadt, and in St. Petersburg (at Tatarinov), and on the ship back, and everywhere for repentance and faith. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of saving me by Your mercy and grace. I thank You, Lord, for the glorious deliverance from the wiles of the demons during the home all-night vigil at Leonty Neustroev’s on October 11 in the evening, at the seventh hour, when I was tempted by grief at the devil’s influence on the young wife of Platon Neustroev because she did not want (or, out of ignorance and unaccustomedness, did not do so) to kiss the hand of the blessing. He strongly repented and trampled on his old man, his stupidest and most evil, most vain wisdom. I thank the Lord for deliverance from great sorrow during early mass and for the gift of peace and boldness. I thank the Lord for delivering me from hellish temptation during early Sunday mass with the looseness of the prosphoras (oh, greed, oh, rudeness!). My soul was perishing from dependence, the possession of the devil, and only with great tears of repentance did I, by the grace of God, get rid of the shame and disgrace of the devil. Women's [caresses] away from me! Gluttony and wine away! Because of them, there is great misfortune and a falling away from God and His life and from unfeigned love for one’s neighbor. I thank the Lord, who extinguished in the hearts of me and my sister the fire of devilish hostility (because of a few words), which arose on her and on my part. I said: “Now I’m getting into a quarrel!” Through the secret prayer of my repentance, the Lord created peace and unanimity in me and my sister. God bless! And henceforth, O Lord, preserve us from all hostility and preserve us in love. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sinful aphid in my heart when I was in the city of Pavlovsk in the palace of Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna during my conversation with her. And how peaceful, easy, free, joyful I felt afterwards! How sincerely and boldly I prayed with her in her prayer room! (This is October 14.) I thank the Lord, who three times delivered me in St. Petersburg in a carriage and on a boat from the sinful aphids in my heart as a result of my secret repentance! I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times in Kronstadt in church after Vespers, when I, angry with the sexton for his carelessness, repented of it. I received especially great salvation in Gulyaev’s house (Peschanaya Street), when I tearfully repented of offending a crooked beggar runner with my hand, and then many times. You are quick, wondrous, strong and good, O Lord, in having mercy on us repentant sinners. Glory to Your immeasurable mercy, intercession and salvation! And how quick, cunning and powerful is the adversary the devil in destroying us, like a lion roaring and looking for someone to devour [1 Peter 5:8]! And how many are dying! Save, O Lord, Your people and bless Your heritage 62 and deliver it from the mouth of the lion of hell! Evening. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the demonic intrigues inflicted on me during the liturgy during and after communion of the Holy Mysteries: why loose bread for the lamb, and not thick bread! Oh, demonic cunning! He also teaches in the Holy Lamb to be satisfied roughly with simple bread, and not with the Flesh and Blood of the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, and kills the soul with this doubt, this thought, slanderes the Lord, and leads away from Him. But glory to the Lord, who destroys his deceits and implants in our hearts the living and life-giving truth! Glory to Thy eternal truth! I thank the Lord for his help during prayer services and for delivering me from temptations during, before and after them (I was at Nikolai Sidorov’s ball for a quarter of an hour in the evening - immodestly dressed girls. By the grace of God I did not put my heart in the vision). I thank the Lord, who gave me new spiritual acquaintances in the capital - [K...] (Stepan Ivanovich) and Princess Bagration-Mukhransky (Serg...) and the grace to pray with them and glorify His holy name. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from many and difficult traps of invisible enemies, especially during the liturgy and after it, and who granted me to give communion to people thirsty for Holy Communion. And now grant. October 19. My Angel's Day. I thank the Lord, who also opens for me the doors of my new year - the fifty-seventh anniversary of my birth; For all the countless mercies I thank the Lord and the Mother of God, through Her intercession I receive all good things from the Lord. Amen. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me after early mass from the destructive snares of the enemy, with which he entangled me, and from the deadly poison in my heart, through the power of faith and calling with faith, and who gave me His peace. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who accepted the prayer of repentance in the yearning of my heart at twelve and three quarters of the night in a carriage of the Baltic Railway (first class) and gave me peace and sleep. I thank the Lord, who showed me the greatest mercies during the service of the liturgy and after it in the Assumption Church. Monday. Evening. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance for my cruel treatment of the poor guys who bothered me, and above all for my hateful condemnation of the Metropolitan and his actions, his severity, exorbitant severity, pettiness of remarks, trust in his slanderers, such as Father Pavel Trachevsky. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from sinful tendencies both in the church, and on the ship, and in the carriage in St. Petersburg (22 and 23) and from the snares of invisible enemies and who protected me with the desired world. Keep me in righteousness all the days of my life, O Lord! I thank the Lord for his good obedience in prayers everywhere, both in the women’s monastery and in different places. Princess Obolenskaya Elena (half-Russian, half-German) was embarrassed because she and her people stood in my face. She has a weak seven-year-old girl, adopted; very kind and simple Princess Obolenskaya. I thank the Lord for all the countless deliverances from my sins and the machinations of the enemy on the ship, in the carriage, in houses, in railway carriages and for success in prayers at the liturgy and in houses. Glory and thanksgiving be to You, O Lord, forever. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my long repentance from the fierce, scorching and deadening stings of Satan, which began with grief at Metropolitan Isidore. (What a sin it is to be upset with your archpastor! One must humbly endure his harsh treatment as righteous retribution for sins.) The reason was yesterday’s gluttony, and the failure to give alms to the poor before Matins, and the failure to fulfill the rule for a short time. I thank the Lord, who heals the soul through acute sorrows and temptations! God! I thank You for my repeated salvation both in the church during divine services, and on the way - on the ship, and in the carriage, and in the carriage, and on the Oranienbaum pier before the ship departed for Kronstadt, and in Kronstadt in different houses. I thank the Lord, who destroyed in me the bonds and fetters of sin by the power of the Holy Spirit and led me onto the still waters, giving me deliverance, righteousness, peace, freedom and boldness. And now, Lord, destroy the shackles of sin in me and grant me peace and turn the visit of my wife with Elisaveta Vladimirovna Muratova into salvation for me and others. In many ways I justify my wife and Muratova, who, out of jealousy, made a visit, although unnecessary; I do not justify Agnia Baroness and Elisaveta Amfianova-Polonskaya. They lured me, as can be seen from many cases. I thank the Lord for the abyss and greatness of God’s mercies that were in me these days in the capital, in the carriage and in Kronstadt, especially before the wedding of Ivan Nikolaevich Turkin and Daria. Ethereal enemies wounded, and outraged, and inflamed me, making me unable to officiate the wedding, but the Lord, through the prayer of my secret repentance in the cathedral and after kissing the Holy Altar, healed me and gave me peace with boldness, and I officiated the wedding calmly and with grace, although not without stumbling over exclamations and good wishes to the bride and groom. I marvel at the splendor, beauty, omnipotence, wisdom and holiness of the Creator, revealed in man, in his soul and body, especially in the soul and body of the crown of God’s creation - the virgin and the woman: how much beauty, tenderness, maternal love there is in her! This is an image of the beauty and love of the Spirit of God and the entire Holy Trinity! Glory to Thee, O God, in all Thy creatures, especially in man. I thank the Lord, who destroyed hostility to the enemy and death to the enemy in me (against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who was on the ship) due to my deep repentance and self-reproach. I thank the Lord for success in prayers in different homes. I thank the Lord for the numerous deliverance from my evils in Kronstadt before prayers and during them in different houses (at Colonel Beskornilovich's [...] garden and at Pavel Ipatievich Romanov's). And again I thank the Lord for His mercy to me in St. Petersburg in the apartment of the Pozharsky brothers, Pavel and Mikhail, for help in prayer and for deliverance from demonic snares through the prayer of repentance, for the damned incessantly catches my soul, and tears into sin, and torments, and oppresses it. I thank the Lord for returning to Oranienbaum at night. I thank the Lord for the safe return from Oranienbaum to Kronstadt by boat through solid ice. I thank the Lord for serving the liturgy and for delivering me from the deadly demonic deceits during the crushing of the Holy Bread and the communion of children who often receive communion. Out of some kind of greed, I regretted giving Communion often, instead of rejoicing in the communion of innocent children with me. For this reason I was punished with hardship and shame, but I immediately sincerely repented and was pardoned and got rid of hardship and shame. I thank the Lord for help and deliverance from sins before and during the service of prayers in different houses and for deliverance from the devil’s stumbling. Saturday. Today, before morning, I became angry with some beggars and insulted them with offensive words (among them some women who often came to me to beg), and for this and because of the desecration of the night from an unclean ghost, God handed me over to the devil, so that I was under knives, rushing about like mad, and barely bowed the Lord to mercy. But how desirable was pardon, how desirable was the consolation from the devil’s intrigues! However, the tightness did not completely go away, and throughout the mass I felt the impoverishment of grace and life in myself! Only after the perfect consumption of the Holy Gifts did I calm down. But then, upon leaving the church, at prayer services, I felt strong stumbling from invisible enemies and a bitter wound. If I am irritated by the comments of my wife or someone else who protect me from sin, then I am proud, proud and, moreover, I actually have within me the sin from which I am protected! I thank the Lord, who has brought me now, during Sunday matins and mass, as if from the underworld and from the flames of Gehenna, and [delivered] from the deadly poison of the devil (before reading the Gospel and throughout the day at prayer services, the Lord has repeatedly delivered me from my sins (with the poor) and from demonic deceits through the prayer of repentance, for I constantly fall into sins). The rapist serpent, a subtly murderer, quickly crawled up to me at the liturgy, when I was cutting the antidor for people, and killed me with greed and the desire for bodily saturation instead of spiritual, for, noticing the looseness of the prosphora, I was upset that it did not have real thickness, and in an instant I fell away from love for God and my neighbor (the prosphora maker and everyone), and the grace of God left me - the terrible thing remained in me the sting of death and the poison of the murderous serpent. Only through sincere repentance did I regain God’s mercy. Having tasted the Body and Blood of God, what did I desire, greedy? - Ashes, shadows. Lust for the undying, eternal, ever-animal flesh, and despise the perishing for the sake of what is better without comparison and indestructible; Likewise, desire incorruptible, eternal, original beauty, which without comparison surpasses all physical, material, corruptible and fading beauty. It’s time to be reasonable and leave behind the childish foolishness of passions or, better yet, the devilish madness of passions, their blindness and absurdity, and especially since they certainly alienate you from God, the source of life, and from love for God and for His image - the neighbor, the member of Christ and ours, and immerse you in the unity of the world, they kill, darken, coarse the soul, confuse, oppress. Day of St. John Chrysostom Fr. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Matins and Liturgy in weakness of spirit and body before communion of the Holy Mysteries, with many tears, and after communion - in strength and joy and triumph of the spirit, victoriously over the invisible enemies who fought me. Sleep for an hour after early mass (from half past ten to half past eleven). After sleep and a snack of cod and tea, the temptation from my wife was very serious, causing pain to my heart. Slander is evil. In the gymnasium, during the second lesson (at two o’clock), I looked up to the Lord with faith and hope and was healed from oppressive melancholy. Glory to the mercy of the Lord and His prompt obedience. The slanderer devil is put to shame, [and the slanderer] has humbled herself and will humble herself. Woe when a man’s enemies are his own household [Matthew 10:36], and even an ungodly wife who does not know spiritual life. We must beware of women's caresses. I thank the Lord, who showed me great help during the service of the early liturgy and after it in various temptations, especially after the slander and attack on me by my wife, who deeply upset me in vain. I entrusted my sorrow to the Lord, asked for consolation and mercy in the gymnasium, and He had mercy on me, the true Father, Savior, and Comforter, and the righteous Judge. During the all-night vigil on Tsar's Day (November 14 - the birth of the Empress), the ethereal enemies wanted to extinguish my spirit with laziness and sleep and already weakened my soul greatly (I sat down and dozed), but then I perked up, thinking about where I was standing, Whom I was serving, how many people were praying behind me, who saw in me their mediator and intercessor, and then tears appeared, the soul I was inflamed with the zeal of God, and I read the Gospel [John 21:15-25] about the resurrection of Christ and His questioning of Peter and his answers loudly, sincerely, and the canon sang and read with delight, and was completely renewed in spirit and body from zeal. God bless! I thank the Lord for deliverance from the invisible, ethereal enemies who oppressed my soul, and for giving peace and silence to my heart, and for the non-judgmental perception of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the spirit of hostility towards Metropolitan Isidore: I realized that it is sinful to even for one moment feel hostility towards the archpastor for his harsh treatment of me, and that I must treat him with love even when he is stern and obstinate, for I too am often stern and obstinate. For Christian love covers everything, endures everything, is not irritated, does not think evil, and never falls away [1 Cor. 13:4-8]. I thank the Lord for the Yelets merchant Alexander Alexandrovich Petrov, who served a prayer service and gave [...]. In St. Petersburg I saw his son Alex., and his son’s wife Maria, and his wife [...]. Friday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday and today from sinful tendencies in [the houses], in the carriage, in the carriage through the prayer of repentance. The Lord alone is my eternal sweetness, my eternal treasure, my endless food and drink, my eternal life, my eternal glory, my eternal peace, my eternal space, my eternal beauty. God of mercy and miracles of the abyss! You performed a miracle through my many prayers: You tamed my wife, who was angry with me unrighteously, and you healed the diseases of hell in me that had lasted for a long time (from twelve to five o’clock in the evening). For this and for all Your countless former mercies, I thank You, Lord of mercy and miracles, and in advance 63 I pray not to leave me, not to betray me into the hands of Satan and not to allow me and my wife to fall into terrible confusion and enmity. Who was my [wife] like? To an enraged lioness whose cubs are being taken away. I could not have dinner at home and went to church early to pour out my soul before the Lord. I prayed to the Lord that leprosy would come upon her, as upon Miriam, the sister of Moses, who insulted her brother, the prophet of God, the lawgiver and leader of the Jews, so disgusted was her unrighteous malice and slander against me. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the all-evil wiles of the devil during and after mass and for granting me communion of the Holy Mysteries for the salvation of my soul and many souls: many received communion. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit with great boldness. Reflect, man, how much and great it means to be created in the image of God and how much is required of us, who have received such a wonderful, ineffable gift from the Creator, and try to rise to the likeness of God. Despise the corruptible, cleave to the imperishable with all your heart, as to the eternal. Monday. With reverence and a grateful heart, I remember the invincible strength of God’s mercy, revealed in me today during the liturgy (funeral service for Konon Rodion), when the Lord crushed in me hellish malice and spiritual death, which befell me through the machinations of the ruler of the world and through my desire to sin. I thank You, Lord, that You have given me the strength of faith and hope with repentance to beg You and ask for mercy, deliverance, healing and peace. And in St. Petersburg, upon arrival by rail, in a carriage, You accepted my craving for You in my sorrow and cramped condition and delivered me from hostility. I thank the Lord for deliverance from enemy attacks and wounds and oppression and for help in prayers in St. Petersburg. Thank you for getting rid of the deadly cramped conditions in the apartment of the artist-painter Zhuravlev after praying before the icon in his dining room before the session. During the session, by the grace of God, I was completely at peace, for my heart rested in God and in His grace. Even while traveling along the railway, invisible enemies pressed me, and only through prayer did I get rid of them; Some women I knew and Krylov were sitting with me. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the hellish tightness that my ethereal enemies caused me by causing grief to Bishop Isidore during the liturgy; I brought deep repentance to the Lord, humbling myself and reproaching and justifying, as much as I could, the Eminence for his severity towards me. The day before, November 21, I visited Prince and Princess Dolgorukov, Sergei Alekseevich and Maria Alexandrovna; when talking about Metropolitan Isidore and his treatment of me, about my good name given to me by the Lord, the princess said that the Metropolitan was jealous of my good fame. I said that he himself had such fame due to his position, and she said: “What glory! No". I said nothing to this and changed my speech. Saturday. The Lord my God delivered me, the multi-passionate one, from the deadly and stupidest passions and the machinations of the demons for the sake of His ineffable, boundless mercy and for the sake of His blood, shed for the world. I secretly became indignant at those who often brought babies to the Holy Chalice, became embittered and despised, taking pity on them from the inexhaustible Source of life-giving, contrary to the words of the Lord: See that you do not despise one of these little ones... [Matthew 18:10]. We must rejoice that I am not the only one who partakes of this Source, but that children and adults are with me. Oh, impudent and insane greed! Oh, the devil's envy! Oh, hellish anger! I thank the Lord for the countless blessings of God shown to me during the Sunday 24th service at Matins and Mass in delivering me from the sharp, murderous arrows of the common archer, who shoots everyone. Oh, what deadly poison these arrows are filled with! But I turned out, as always, unworthy of deliverance and life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the opportunity arose to celebrate the Markovs’ name day, and I drank a lot of wine, which caused a very bad headache for the whole day. I slept that evening, and my head ached severely after sleep. Only on November 25, after a daytime nap (from eleven to twelve o’clock), the headache completely disappeared. Glory to God, who had mercy on me. There was a sharp change from perfect warmth to cold: on the evening of 24 there was quite a bit of snow that fell; 25 I served mass with a headache. The voice was good. With all your slanderers, haters, envious people, with obstinate and unjust leaders, make peace sincerely in your heart in the conviction that they are the fallen image of God, and the image of God, both fallen and darkened and defiled, must be sincerely pitied and honored and pray for the fallen with love to God, who is able to restore and renew the fallen, and the lost, and the defiled, and corrupted. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, for delivering me from the attack of my invisible enemies, who are constantly seeking to destroy me both through my thoughts and through my wife, who devilishly attacks me with slander, malice, and her threats, and who provokes me to anger and offensive words. I live with the beast; I meet love everywhere - here, and in the capital, and everywhere where the Lord orders me to be; she is not at home; those who live by my tireless labors, raise their heels against me, are sometimes ready to devour me for no reason - because of some chimerical ghosts. God! Tame them and deliver me from them, so that I may work for You in peace and in holiness. God! I thank You for your help and boldness in my prayers in the capital. God! Grant peace to my soul and my family! Grant pity and heartache for my sins to my wife, who imagines herself to be righteous. How much chaos she creates in the house! What a temptation! Reward grief to those who offend me, may they be healed, may they ache in their hearts, may they groan, may they shed tears of repentance, as tuna 64 persecuted me, Thy servant, and, being themselves ungodly, seduce me from the path of piety, peace and quietness. Reward them sevenfold into their bosom. (At Archpriest P. P. Preobrazhensky’s he could not serve a peaceful prayer service, at Kharin’s it was fine. Thank God!) The devil created great confusion and enmity on November 29 in my apartment, inciting my wife against me and me against her as a result of her slander against me and Agathia. May the Lord heal our souls. I thank the Lord, who conquered in me for my heartfelt repentance an involuntary hostility towards one good woman for the frequent offering of a boy of six years old, very pious, to the sacrament. How severe this hostility was, how deadly! What great moral labors, tearful repentance and fervent prayers the Lord requires for restoration to the righteousness violated by our sins, and how tightly the devil holds in his paws his victim, captured by him through sin! Oh, God forbid anyone to sin! Sin is a terrible evil and misfortune! The Lord gave me peace with my wife through my prayer. One o'clock in the morning. A prodigal desecration occurred in a dream. He got up and prayed. Cleanse, Lord, my great sins! It happened from eating quite a lot of cold fish with horseradish and from drinking two or three glasses of wine. I thank You, Lord, for You have given me the grace to beg You for the destruction of the devil’s malice in me and in my wife, and You have created a miracle of reconciliation in us. The Lord leads us to incorruption, and the devil intensifies to constantly corrupt our souls and bodies with worldly passions, and how insidiously, wickedly, incessantly! There is no need to eat late at night, otherwise temptation from the devil may easily occur at night. I thank the Lord, who destroyed many demonic intrigues in me during Matins, early mass, and especially after the prayer service to the church saint (conciliar), before and at which time Satan managed to plant in my heart a spark of hostility, deadly for me, against Father Paul. Through a prayer of repentance and falling to the holy throne very often, the Lord finally broke the hellish power in me and brought me out of hell, as it were, and I calmed down. Then, while walking with the cross and when there were secret inclinations to sin, the Lord, through a prayer of repentance, soon delivered and pacified me, justifying me tuna 65 with grace. Glory to God, who has mercy on us! December 1st. Morning. After mass. I commemorate for the glory of God and for my affirmation and thanksgiving to the Lord two greatest miracles of salvation from the jaws of Satan during Sunday morning before the reading of the Gospel (Satan managed to throw a spark of displeasure and grief in my heart at Vladyka Metropolitan Isidore and fan it to my destruction - oh, my pride!) and during early mass at the end (at the very beginning of mass at the proskomedia I noticed, felt the stench from the basket of prosphora and, leaning towards it, I felt a strong stench from the dirty, torn sleeping sheet in which the prosphora were wrapped. And I was very upset at the prosphora for the sloppiness and negligence and uncleanliness, and I was all embarrassed, hurt, I simply disappeared, and throughout the mass I repented in grief and sorrow for mercy on me, a sinner, touchy, embittered, justifying as much as possible the guilty party and accusing myself of malice and violation of the entire gospel law, and only at the end of mass before communion did the Lord have mercy on me). But with what zeal and strength I read and sang the Sunday canons and stichera! As His Grace Gregory of Kazan said in his sermon 66 about communion! Glory to God the Savior, and shame on me, the faulty one! I thank the benevolent and sovereign Lord who quickly destroyed in me the hellish passions that struck my soul to death and cruelly oppressed me with the cunning of fierce demons. The Lord has not yet rejected my repentance, nor has he completely despised me, who is indecent and worthy of contempt. (Paraskeva I. Kovrigina, out of extreme spiritual affection for me, entered the first-class carriage and followed me and Gavril Tyagunov to Oranienbaum. I was extremely dissatisfied with the fact that she clings to me, caresses me; the cramped death of hostility towards her; my repentance is long-term throughout the journey to Kronstadt.) I thank the Lord, who destroyed my passions and who gave me peace and boldness and help in my prayers in the capital. O. Al. Kirzyakova, brilliant [elegant Caucasian woman], December 1, is my temptation from instantaneous vision and lust; long-term repentance throughout the entire journey; remission, peace with boldness during prayer and betrothal. On the evening of December 2, Mr. Alexandrov, the military prosecutor, son-in-law of the late Turygin, was very embarrassed at the prayer service at the thought that [...] my precious cross would supposedly be damaged when immersed in water; Then the jeweler, in response to my question about this, said that the cross is not afraid of either dust or smoke (unless the pearls are spoiled by strong boiling water). Through the prayer of repentance I got rid of embarrassment and cramped conditions. Kovrigina is poor and unattractive physically, but rich and adorned with spiritual virtues and virtues, has great faith and zeal for God and for me, meek, humble, kind, patient, good in soul, a supporter of all good things and worthy of great respect and love, condescension. I thank the most merciful Lord, who delivered me from the jaws of Satan after early mass. I deservedly suffered from him for my gluttony and drinking wine (drunk) the day before. Gluttony and drunkenness entail the eradication of Christian love and the combination of devilish malice. I was upset with the innocent baby for his frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, although I have now secretly repented. I have no love and heartfelt affection for Archpastor Metropolitan Isidore for his harsh treatment of me, and I secretly despise and become embittered towards him, as well as towards the rector, Father Paul, and have completely fallen away from love and heartfelt respect for them. But raise up, Lord, in me perfect love for them and for everyone. (December 6. Morning. Fifth hour at the end.) I am the accursed one: I secretly argue with the metropolitan, I denounce him, being myself full of all kinds of sins, I am embittered at him, I see nothing good in him, everything is bad. Oh, satanic deception! Oh, falling away from love and combining, joining with the evil of the devil! The metropolitan will give an answer to the only righteous Judge, not me... May the Lord have mercy on him, may he complete his paths on earth! Oh, if only we thought more often during prayer about the depth, purity and sincerity of prayer! How would we then pray well and pleasingly and fruitfully! Beginning with Matins on December 6 and throughout the service of Matins and early mass and at the end of it, how many ulcers and deaths did Belial inflict on my many-passionate soul, how and how many times I perished, and each time through a secret prayer of repentance, for the sake of His only name and for the sake of the mercy of His wombs, the Lord delivered me, healed my heart wounds, pacified, consoled, and after the use of the Holy Gifts (at mass) He completely healed me, revived, consoled! Oh, what a terrible war with the spirits of evil during worship, and the bigger the holiday and the more people in the church, the stronger the war, the more painful the wounds! But the Lord also gives me great, fiery zeal for the glory of His name and the Most Pure Mother of God and for His saints, which strongly bites the demonic armies! For everything, glory to You, Lord, and for wounds, and for healings, and for zeal for Your glory! How many times [the Lord] delivered me from the temptations and attacks of evil spirits when performing prayer services in different houses (at Denisov, Rogozinsky and others) and made my prayer peaceful, pleasing and prosperous. I will bend the knees of my soul and body in humility of heart, bring repentance, ask for leniency and mercy - and now I have been pardoned and healed, cleansed, justified by His blood, the wounds of His suffering, His death for the world and for me, a great sinner. Glory to the Lord! December 7, 85 But answer, O Master Lord, for me to all letters, desires, petitions, appeals to Your goodness and sovereignty by Your people in their many different needs, sorrows and troubles, illnesses, temptations, deprivations, oppression from evil people and from demonic power, for these letters, petitions are countless and I cannot answer them. Today, during Matins and early mass, there are so many secret stumblings, falls, wounds, deaths, and how many deliverances for secret repentance, how much mercy, condescension, gifts of restoration 67! I extol You, my sweet Savior. But humble, O Master, my enemies who seek to slander me (Abbey Paul). God! I was embarrassed by the disturbances in the church from women; deliver me from them for the future, so that I may serve You in silence and without sorrow all the days of my life and may I glorify Your Most Pure Mother and Your saints. Deliver me from human slander. Sunday. How many secret and open falls into sin are there today, how many plagues, how many deaths and how many deliverances, salvations, pacifications, revivals from the Lord! During mass, how many are my infirmities and how many are the strengths of God! At the end of the mass, I became embittered and upset at one artisan, who strongly and persistently called me to his demon-possessed wife, but I really didn’t want to because of the many demands and the short amount of time. I sincerely repented of this, and the Lord forgave, otherwise I would have been in the clutches of the devil. From early morning (Sunday) I was overcome by a murderous, devilish despondency regarding the actions of some women (a cry in the church through a watchman who did not allow them to confess to me) and regarding the message of this by the rector, Father Paul, to the dean and the consistory; I prayed to the Lord for deliverance from such a state, and when I began to sing the Sunday stichera, all despondency disappeared - so comforting and saving are church services and church singing! God bless! I should have respected the great faith in the craftsman, who asked me to visit his raging wife in his apartment, and love him for his faith and persistence, but I - alas! – became angry, embittered, became like the evil one, and not the good one [3 John 1:11]. I repent, I am cowardly and feeble-minded and lacking in good deeds and Christian love. Lord, help me, provide me with the spirit of love, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, self-sacrifice. Wake up. Amen. Monday. Next service. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with the greatest mercy several times during mass, and especially at the end, when I was mortally struck by Belial for my pride and anger at Paraskeva Ivanovna, an annoying soldier, for bringing a stranger’s child, about seven years old, to communion without asking his mother. I repented before the Holy Chalice and was pardoned. At Urzikov’s, before the prayer service, he prayed about his sin and was pardoned. This day will remain memorable for me for the rest of my life because of the terrible temptation from Belial, which befell me during an early mass because of one regret of a large sum of money for expensive furniture in the living room (about four hundred rubles), made without my desire by a master. This circumstance upset me so much that I fell away from the Lord in heart, and an adversary entered my heart, terribly outraged, constrained, wounded, darkened, lit me with hellish fire, subjected me to shame, and for a long, long time I could not free myself from the terrible misfortune. Only through the use of the Holy Gifts, by the grace of God, was I redeemed from the terrible captivity of the devil. How did the devil get into my heart? Very simply - because of yesterday’s gluttony and wine drinking, especially among the Alekseevs. I experienced real hell because of worldly addictions, while God is everything for us, the fullness of all good things, and good things cling to Him alone. Forgive me, Lord. I angered You, who showed so many miracles of salvation in me. What do you [exchange] or apply to, equate the inapplicable and not equated to anyone or anything other than Yourself, the Lord God? How do you, man, dare, dare, during the celebration of the Divine Liturgy itself, equate the Lord with any thing or human person and give in to some kind of addiction (for example, for bread, for money, for distinctions, for persons) and thereby place the Lord Himself below a human person or thing, money, bread, clothing, a sign of distinction? What madness, what insolence, what ingratitude! What sick blindness! That is why you surrender to the terrible tyranny of Satan, your teacher, whom you obey more than the Lord God. In the future, do not equate the incomparable, single Treasure that is all-sufficient to our souls and bodies. God gives all of Himself to you in the liturgy, and you give all of yourself to His enemy and yours - the devil! Where is the meaning? Where is your faith? Look at the holy saints of God, who did not please themselves, not their passions, but the only Lord, denying themselves and despising everything in the world for the sake of God; be jealous, imitate them - and you will be blessed now and forever. Morning. Three o'clock. Arrived from the Baltic Railway. I thank the Lord for accepting from me repentance in the pursuit of voluptuousness, and deliverance from cramped conditions and spiritual death in the first class carriage (I sat alone), and the gift of space and peace. During early mass, from the beginning until the consecration of the Gifts, I was in terrible hellish agony, all in fire, crampedness and torment, all in darkness and violence and shame because of allowing in my heart an instant feeling of indignation and anger towards Bishop Isidore (the devil caught this moment and, having planted a spark, started a spiritual fire). For prolonged cries of secret repentance, the Lord finally had mercy and gave peace; took communion calmly. I didn’t read the prayer behind the pulpit at the end (the words: From You, Father of lights, and to You be glory, and thanksgiving, and worship...). During Matins he zealously read the canon, triumphant in spirit. For being fed up with liquid black caviar and fresh fish, the Lord punished me painfully. Oh, how terrible is the destruction of the soul! How terrible is the torment of Satan, from which deliver all earthly creatures, O Lord! Morning. Christ for me is a most precious treasure, vital, abiding for endless ages, incorruptible, replacing with immeasurable abundance all earthly treasures; He is all-sufficient food, never lacking, and the same drink (here is His Flesh and Blood); He is the most beloved, holy and immaculate, eternal beauty, delighting and blissing all the Councils of Angels and many holy people; He is eternal sweetness, surpassing and replacing all earthly sweets in immeasurable abundance. It was this eternal, incomparable sweetness that the saints craved, decided to endure all the multitude of torments, and in the very torments they enjoyed it; The monks abandoned all the lusts of the flesh, the sweetness of worldly scraps, wealth, luxury, and became poor voluntarily in order to receive Christ as an inalienable possession and be honored with eternal life and exchange the temporary and perishable for the eternal. How longed and strong is Christ in me, who has attracted and is attracting all human hearts to me! For He, abiding in me through the holy communion of His Body and Blood, draws everyone to me and casts them at my feet. Glory to Thee, most beloved Christ God! How incomprehensible to any mind, not only human, but also Angelic, is the redemptive, intercessory, propitiatory, life-giving action of the Bloodless Sacrifice, which the priest performs with warm faith and to which the priest prayerfully, repentantly and gratefully stands. For the sake of this bloodless, universal, all-redeeming, grateful, life-giving Sacrifice, the Lord sends down, every time it is performed, countless benefits and mercies to the living and the dead; For her sake, He heals all sorts of illnesses of all those who contact me in writing and through telegrams, even through mental or verbal appeals to me from believers, and He bestows many other blessings! Oh, what mind can comprehend the whole infinity of benefits to people, exuding from the ever-flowing source of life and bliss - the Lord through the intercession of this infinitely great Sacrifice! He who did not spare His Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also freely give us all things with Him? [Rom.8:32]. So, pray, O priest, always fervently during the performance of the Bloodless Sacrifice, firmly believing in its universal intercessory, propitiatory and redemptive significance. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from the passions of the flesh when visiting different families and who has given me the strength to perform my prayers in peace and righteousness. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who mercifully showed me His help during the service of Matins and Liturgy in the Assumption Church, to which I came unprepared (because they woke up late, at five o’clock), hastening to deliver me from the jaws of Belial, but when reading the Gospel I did not read the last [...] (Jesus did many other things [John 21:25]) to the end; I read the Sunday canons to the three youths and forefathers with animation. He served Mass after the Cherubic Song with feeling, and spoke the sermon from the conversations of Metropolitan Gregory 68 with full expressiveness. Evening. I thank the Lord, who brought me to reason during my last grief against Bishop Isidore for his severity towards me. I blamed myself, repenting, and not him. Do not feel sorry for yourself, sinful person, when they reprimand you, when they scold you, revile you, neglect you, disdain you, despise you, persecute you, beat you. Our old, proud, crafty, proud, evil person (our “I”) is worth it in all fairness; Tell yourself: I am not worth more than that, but much more punishment, reproach, dishonor from people, for I have an abyss of all kinds of sins, for which I am worthy of all condemnation and torment. So do not feel sorry for yourself, your ticklish and touchy person, but not needed by either you, or God, or people, an old man who has become like not God, but the devil, and who deserves the most merciless crucification with his passions and lusts. Until now you have been mad, feeling sorry for yourself when you were not given your due or scolded, treated harshly and so on; people scolded you, and you scold yourself more and say: that’s what you need, and that’s not enough - you need to scold more, more sensitively, stronger. Thanks to those who scold, may I humble myself, may I be silent and gentle. Today I was irritated with the beggars - I sinned: I scolded them, pushed them, pulled them by the nose and ears. Be quiet and meek, like a milkmaid to a baby. Before visiting Princess Golitsyna (on Sergievskaya Street), when I was riding in her carriage, an invisible enemy terribly attacked me and pressed me like hell, confusing my soul and darkening it; Only through intensified repentance and faith did I get rid of the cramped conditions already at the entrance to her apartment. And when I was traveling to Kronstadt, I was again attacked and tortured in the carriage, and again through the prayer of faith I was delivered by the grace of God. Tuesday. Evening. One o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who repelled the sin that crept into it from my soul on the way from Oranienbaum to Kronstadt; I strongly repented to the Lord, condemned the sin according to its merits, despised it, hated it, loved the truth, and the Lord saved me when I was already at home. So, away from all friendship with the flesh! May love reign in the Spirit! I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly had mercy on me through secret repentant invocation of His all-holy and all-saving name (in a carriage, in a carriage, in St. Petersburg houses). For two days this week I did not serve the Liturgy and did not partake of the Holy Mysteries and therefore became extremely weak in spirit, so that sometimes I could not pronounce prayers in some houses (at the beginning of prayer), and after efforts I prayed, but not very sincerely; the devil's lies and double-mindedness crept into the soul (for I. I. Glazunov (19th)); I became irritable, but after serving the liturgy I became calm and morally strong. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy - a gift of wonderful grace. But how many times did the Lord save me, who was perishing in secret by mental sins, and guide me on the right path! On the 20th I stayed in Kronstadt and served prayer services. At the same time, there were disappointments for various reasons (they searched for a long time for the old woman [...] the landlady (behind the building of the theater on Catherine Street)), and with grief I entered the house, but immediately began to repent to the Lord, kneeling before the icons, and after repentance I clearly received forgiveness and peace, but Satan attacked through another passion, carnal: through contemplation he wounded [...] regarding [...] daughters of Vera (the other, Olga, [ugly]) [...]; I fought hard, and the enemy finally broke me secretly, confused and weakened me (after insulting me with meat soup and after sleep). Then he again prayed repentantly, earnestly and received the grace of forgiveness. In the house of Pyotr Ivanov (corner of Nalichnaya and Galkinskaya) before the prayer service at Boyle’s, I was also somewhat upset that they had not suddenly found his apartment, I also prayed secretly and received forgiveness and peace, but before the end of the prayer service I did not say well, cordially, firmly, and received an ulcer in my heart, the poison of the enemy that tormented me; I stood up, prayed instantly (as if wanting to drink holy water) and instantly received spiritual healing in the name of the Lord (before [...]); I prayed firmly at the prayer service, with boldness, and then downstairs with the old artilleryman too. How many secret stumblings are everywhere of a different nature, with different sins - and how much deliverance, cleansing, healing, salvation, peace of mind! While serving the Liturgy in the Assumption Church, there were severe temptations from Belial, driving me to despair (the poison of the devil, the fire of hell were scorching and destructive, I knew no peace, I cried and repented), but before consuming and especially after consuming the Holy Gifts, by the grace of God, I completely calmed down, reconciled with God through the Blood of His Son! Oh, Divine Body, broken for us! Oh, Divine Blood, shed for us for the remission of sins! It is still poured out for us on the holy altars and will continue to be poured out until the end of the world. Oh, there is still a lot of dead, lovely water of sin in me! Oh, if only I were filled entirely with the living water of the Holy Spirit! This living water flows like a wide, boundless river in church services and in the Sacraments. Come, scoop, drink as much as you want and attract others there. Lost, long sought (sermons), found where? In a wooden box under letters. Glory to God, who reminded us of them (the place). Letter to Maynard and Fishwick. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the flaming arrows of the evil one in me and from his scorching poison, which I received after the first prayer in the apartment of Baroness Korf (Nadezhda); I finally got rid of it in the apartment of O. A. Kiriakova, where I prayed alone. Through this grave temptation the Lord healed and strengthened my soul through the struggle. I thank the Lord. Because of the desire for bribes, I was punished. This baroness didn’t give me a penny, she said: “For you, I will give ten rubles to the poor.” “Give it out,” I say. And the Lord is my reward, as I later came to understand. Late hour of the night (first). Came from St. Petersburg. How many grievous falls and how many deliverances from the All-Merciful! How morally thin and weak I am, given to anger, to covetousness, to voluptuousness, to laziness! How much betrayal of God, as if not trusting in Him, but in flesh and matter, bad and corruptible! Meanwhile, the Lord is everything for me and for all of us: life, light, strength, peace, joy, cleansing, sanctification, inexhaustible treasure, food, drink, incorruptible clothing, glory, the source of countless miracles, redemption from sin, curse and death, the most reliable anchor. Behind the Triumphal Gate at Mr. Zarubin’s (high chambers - clean air) I said prayers with great calm and boldness, until the evil thought of material reward for work came (oh, madness, unbelief, earthiness and love!). However, although with struggle, he performed prayers and confession and received the Holy Mysteries kindly, without stumbling. And in other places I had to be embarrassed with impatience and chagrin that I had to go up to the fourth floor! Self-love, addiction to the flesh! You need to completely surrender to God and people, not to feel sorry for yourself, to deny yourself, to serve with zeal, with joy, with meekness and humility! Oh, this multi-headed snake in the flesh is a sin that constantly hurts me through pride, impatience, irritation, hostility, partiality! And how sweet the Lord is! How obedient and merciful! I glorify the greatest deliverance of the Lord, revealed to me in the morning in the apartment (...) of Zhuravleva (in St. Petersburg behind the Kazan Cathedral) [...] an hour and a half of repentance in secret anger towards Olga Mironovna (...) with me in the same second-class carriage, she kept her eyes almost (...) on me. It pains me with all my heart (...) considering her extremely unattractive figure (oh, partiality [by] the face that evaluates a person, and not by the soul, which is the image of God, the same for everyone). The enemy made me angry with her, settled on me, killed my soul spiritually, darkened it, swallowed it with his mouth, brought shame and disgrace upon her. I could not look people in the face and constantly repented secretly to the Lord, closing my eyes, bringing to mind her boundless kindness, her zealous services to me, her complete devotion, respect and spiritual love for me - there was no deliverance; Finally, in Zhuravlev’s apartment, I briefly but strongly appealed to the Crucified One (he had a large picturesque crucifixion of the Lord on the cross) - and I got rid of demonic possession. The bonds fell away, death disappeared, anger remained only in memory; My soul, which had been tormented for a long time, became sober from the devil’s delusion, became healthy, calmed down, learned to be humble and not to despise anyone for an unseemly appearance, but to love everyone unfeignedly, for how much deep, heartfelt disposition and love can an unseemly and poor person have for us and, of course, can love God more than we, multi-passionate, self-loving, proud, vain, envious, greedy, selfish, evil and bound by other countless sins. Glory to God the Deliverer! The horror with which the devil tries to establish in us his dominion, the kingdom of sin and passions and to liken us to himself in malice, envy, impurity, vanity, pride, lies, hatred of God and hatred of mankind, for through any addiction to persons and things he produces in us coldness and hatred of God Himself, and the whole world lies in evil through addiction to the earth, to earthly things acquisitions and fell from God, from heaven, heavenly life! And how does God’s immeasurable love look for a person who has moved away from God, from heaven? She sends Her Only Begotten Son to earth and gives Him entirely to the salvation of a dying world, to life among people, to suffering and death, to eating and drinking His most pure Body and Blood! As a lamp to those who are in darkness and the shadow of death, He sends His word, His heavenly teaching, and all its strength for life and godliness [2 Peter 1:3]! The Lord is the Creator of the true tabernacle, which the Lord pitched, and not man [Heb.8:2]. And who erected the untrue tabernacle on earth - the Lutheran, Anglican and similar societies? – The man is Luther, the man is Calvin and others, not the Lord. Understand, Gentiles, and repent... for God is with us [Is. 8:9–10] in His true Church. During Matins and Mass there was extreme mental weakness and dryness, lack of God’s grace due to gluttony the day before, and also physical weakness due to bad snowy weather; I could not read the entire Gospel and the morning canons at Christmas because of the demonic dirty influence on the soul. Lithia was abandoned. There were tears at mass - the Lord did not forsake; After consuming the Holy Gifts, he completely calmed down, came home, went to bed, and then became completely healthy and cheerful. It was difficult to walk with the cross, especially because of the snowy, damp weather. On great holidays the devil especially attacks us, but the Lord also sends [...]. If I had fasted throughout Lent according to the rules, I would have been graciously strong and cheerful, and by the grace of God I would have easily overcome the enemies of our salvation. How weak I am! But the power of God is made perfect in weakness [2 Cor. 12:9]. God! I thank You that You did not put me to shame anywhere, where I sincerely called upon Your holy name with faith in thousands of human dwellings, and everywhere showed Your mercy and power, signs of Your favor towards people and towards me, a sinner, for You are the abyss of mercy. I thank You, for You have bowed down and subdued everything to me - not only the simple and the poor, but also the noble and rich, the great and powerful of this world, and You have granted them reverent prayer with me. I thank You, for You have granted me strength and strength to boldly call on Your wonderful, blessed and glorified name forever. I thank the Lord, who today gave me the grace and mercy of deliverance from the onslaught of uncleanness, whose charm prompted me to come to a mental agreement with it, and who granted me freedom from cruel captivity and peace of mind; I thank the Lord, who has granted me the gift of celebrating the liturgy peacefully, trampling on many of the enemy’s machinations, and receiving life-giving communion of the Divine Mysteries. I thank You, Lord, for Your speedy and repeated deliverance of me, a sinner, from relaxation and mortification of sin (in the Assumption Church I was afraid for the deacon’s father’s failure to come to mass), and even during early mass for reviving me, mortified by sins, and for the gift of tears of repentance, and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the unfailing reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and leave. I thank the Lord, who delivered me twice in the evening before Vespers and late, at twelve o’clock at night, from sinful tendencies through the prayer of repentance (caresses of the flesh and bitterness) and who gave me life and peace. I thank You, Lord, that You did not shut me up for my sins into the hands of ethereal enemies during the service of public services, but mercifully delivered me from them and granted Your peaceful, life-giving and sweet salvation to me and successfully helped me to accomplish it. I thank You, for You have made me graciously desired by all people of all ends, of every rank and condition. Not to me, not to me, but to You be glory, and honor, and praise, and thanksgiving, and worship, glory and power. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during Matins, early mass, and on the way back from Gatchina (from Mr. Schilder and Olga Ivanovna) together with Mr. Verkhovsky, and at home from the sinful impulses of the heart that were killing the inner man. I thank the Lord, who healed the pain in my head, which came from very abundant consumption of the Holy Mysteries (it hit my head). I thank the Lord for the gift of perfect health after yesterday’s weakness. Remember, Lord, all those who are sick and suffering and heal, just as You heal me, for everything is Yours and You hold everyone in Your hand. Wake up! After early mass. God! I thank You for your repeated, wonderful, generous deliverance from demonic machinations during Matins (secret anger at the Father Superior), when You took me out of hell and gave me a wonderful, radiant triumph over it by Your grace and the glorious reading and singing of the canons, and during early mass, during which and after which You plucked me many times from the gates of hell and [delivered] me from all the strength of demons anger that consumed me terribly. O Lord, Thy all-redeeming goodness and Thy irresistible power have been magnified in me. But my extreme sinful weakness, my evil character, and the corruption of my heart were also revealed. I enjoyed the evening of poultry meat - that’s why the war of passions was stronger, and I slept a lot. After mass in the houses of the laity and at home (the girl [Travkina] and others), the Lord was kind and merciful to me and was quick to deliver. I praise you! Twelve o'clock at night. Came from the capital. Upon arrival home, the ethereal villain instantly stung me with hatred and contempt for the person of Metropolitan Isidore (reminding me of his stern reception to me in September, when the deputation with me at the head wanted to introduce himself to him) and became so attached to me that it seemed that he would not leave me; his poison spread into my right side and burned me. But I deny you, Satan, and all your works, and all your angels, and all your service, and all your pride 69 in the face of the Lord Jesus Christ and I unite myself with Christ my God, His meekness, humility, goodness, patience, His truth, His mercy and condescension to our weaknesses and to our sins, when we sincerely condemn them and repent of them heartily, and I repent of them and condemn them, and I have the will to respect the First Hierarch, and to love, and to honor, and to obey him, to condescend, to approve of him, to praise and extol him as worthy, and I sincerely condemn myself for all sins, of which there is no number, and I consider myself blinded by passions, and unfit, and deserving of all contempt and severity from everyone. It is only from the grace of God that I have something good, but mine is all evil and sinful. Truly, like fierce wolves, demons attacked me and are still tormenting me (from twelve to half past one), burning, oppressing, eating me; eat my sins and leave me. God! From now on, may there be an end to all evil of the devil in me. Wake up! My heart is filled with gratitude to the Lord for numerous deliverances from deadly crowds in the church and in the houses where I served prayer services, especially [...] at Evdokia Nikolaevna Solovyova, where I came irritated and dissatisfied, confused. The Lord gave peace through the prayer of repentance. I thank the Lord for communion and renewal and consolation. Glory! 1886 Bless the crown of the summer of Your goodness, Lord! 70 Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the fierce machinations of demons during and after early mass, before and after the consumption of the Holy Gifts. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly accepted my repentance and delivered me from sinful inclinations and stumblings. All day I was cold mainly [...]. Glory to You, the most beloved, all-blessed, most pure Lord, for whose sake I myself have become spiritually desired for all sincere believers. Grant me You alone to lust after always. You repeat old sins. It will be worse if you don’t leave them. After sleeping on the afternoon of January 1, when meeting with beggars, he was hard-hearted and very strict towards them. Sinful. We need to improve. Have the existential members of bisexual man with great respect and purity, as instruments of the goodness, wisdom and omnipotence of the most pure Creator of creation. The liturgy, as a sacrifice to God, cleansing sins and bestowing salvation, has its effect, firstly, on me, the performer, and then on everyone who participates in it with faith. I feel it, I feel it, I see it, that is, on myself. God bless! The foxes have holes in you and the birds of the air have nests [Matthew 8:20]. The strength of God's mercy defeated in me five times the strength of the devil's malice during Matins and Mass on January 5 and four times on January 6. Glory to the Lord, who accepts repentance from sinners. How great is the strength of the devil’s malice, death, and darkness! I thank You, Lord my God, for you, called from me unworthy, have always heard and saved, delivering from cramped conditions and sorrow and bestowing peace, freedom and boldness, just as today, when I was traveling in a wagon to Oranienbaum. For three hours I was in trouble in my heart and was relieved of it after an intensified, with faith and hope, heartfelt invocation of His secret name. Just before arriving at Korostavtsev’s (on Nad. Street [...]) the enemy confused me with despondency about the flaw 71 on the wagon and on the car, confusing and oppressing my soul, as if money was everything, as if it gave everything, and not God (money is God), but I placed all my hope in God, saying in my soul: “Everything is in You, and You are everything for me, Lord,” and I calmed down and with great With boldness and hope he prayed and then dined and left. Glory to the Lord, in Whom is everything, all life, all contentment, all good of soul and body. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]. He fell asleep in the carriage and in the carriage in his sleep he was tempted by the devil through satiety in St. Petersburg. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who teaches my hands to fight and my fingers to fight [Ps. 143:1] and makes me understand the countless tricks of the demons against me. The enemy combats me with all earthly delights, especially during divine services, inciting me to cling to sweets and self-interest and to earthly glory, and through this alienates me from God and from love for Him alone and in Him for my neighbor. I thank the Lord for his help during all services and for delivering me from demonic wiles. But, Lord, deliver me from slander, and untruth, and the bitter enmity of my family, for they viciously slander me, taking all the absurd tales for the truth and presenting me as capable of all sorts of dirty tricks. In the second grade at the gymnasium, I read for two hours with great effort and damaged my lungs, so that pain appeared in my left side. Heal, Lord! If for one moment you allow partiality in communicating with people, your heart immediately falls away from God and from the gospel love for your neighbor. Therefore, at every moment, be united with God through filial fear and love, and accept everyone equally, according to Christ, and not according to the flesh. I thank the Lord the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, who consoles me in my persecution from my family, who became my enemies because of the slander of the most absurd and evil [general] widow Elisaveta Muratova, who confused everyone with her dirty slander. May the Lord, the witness of my life, reward her and all my enemies. Twelve and a half o'clock at night. I commend to reverent, grateful and unforgettable memory the miracle of the Lord’s deliverance of me through a secret prayer of repentance, accomplished by His immeasurable mercy at this time. The Lord delivered me from the hellish cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me because of my anger and rage at a drunken cab driver who was driving us away in the middle of the sea. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me after the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal, wounded by the spiritual serpent and healed for my repentance and firm intention to read the entire sequence of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord for the mercy of quick obedience and saving me in the capital on Kolokolnaya Street in the apartment of a relative of Pyotr Grigorievich, a station bartender, where I arrived distressed by the long journey, and earlier in the Promenade des Anglais in the apartment of a poor old woman who was sick. The prayer of repentance was graciously answered, and I was at peace and revived. God bless! God! Enlighten the souls of my household, who listen to all slander against me and persecute me, and let them go, for they do not know what they are doing [cf. Luke 23:34]. May I not for a moment be a participant in the devil’s malice against me and those who offend me, may I always become like You, the Good One and not the Evil One, for evil cannot be corrected by evil, but with love and forgiveness and prayer it is easy. Be it! Sunday. Matins and early mass in the Assumption Church. I thank You, Lord, for You delivered me from despondency and demonic melancholy in my heart and gave me peace, space, strength and joy of heart, so that with the greatest triumph of spirit I sang the stichera, read the Gospel and sang and read the canons of the morning service. I thank You, who gave me tears of tenderness during the Liturgy during the performance of the Bloodless Sacrifice and in the peace of conscience the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank You, Lord, because through my intensified prayer You saved me during prayer services from the tendencies of sin in my heart and from the captivity of passions and from the devil (for example, with Mikhail Efimovich, the [cellarer] at the theater). Monday. I thank the Lord who has been kind to me for delivering me from melancholy and deadness of heart during matins and early mass (in the Assumption Church) and from all temptations from demons and from people (Muratova, wife). Muratova outraged my whole house and me like the devil. I thank the Lord, who heard me on the platform of the second-class carriage on the way to St. Petersburg and when Muratova and my wife followed me. I thank the Lord, who saved me many times in St. Petersburg from the excitement of passions and for taming them through secret heartfelt prayer. I thank the Lord for praying in St. Petersburg with perfect calm. Amen. God! Do not allow demons and evil people to deprive me of the good name and good glory that You have given to me, unworthy, but curb the insolence of my slanderers and slanderers, including my wife. From one servant of God on Admiralty Square (third floor) I acquired a silver neck cross and part of the relics of the Holy Great Martyr Barbara on January 13, 1886, Monday. It is necessary to serve a prayer service at home in front of the holy relics. I thank the Lord for my repeated salvation during Matins, Mass and after that, and for the wonderfully great salvation from sorrows in the altar of the Church of the Training Crew before the Holy Altar (regarding the hostility of the family). Two hours of torment [previously]. In the evening - the greatest deliverance in St. Petersburg and at home. In St. Petersburg, the Lord wonderfully helped me in my prayers. Glory to the Lord! Sin hurts us all terribly. Let us arm ourselves against him with the power of Christ with one accord. Saturday. I thank You, Lord, for Your wonderful mercies, which You surprised in me during the service of the liturgy and after it (in the cathedral), then in Sisterbeck 72 in the apartment of the head of the plant, Nikolai Kozmich Egorov, before the prayer service (I prayed secretly with tears for deliverance from the devil’s oppression and received peace and great boldness and power of prayer); then, in a carriage of the Finnish Railway near the Belaya Tserkov, I prayed strongly and intelligently for the destruction of the enmity between me and my wife and for the destruction of the unanimity of slander and deceit between Muratova and my wife, and the Lord soon wondrously drew my wife to me, making her a meek, kind and affectionate sheep (she took care of me all the way with amazing tenderness) - you are marvelous, Lord, in transforming hearts and in destroying malice and the wickedness of the devil. Thank You, Lord, for all Your miracles! God! May the all-evil Satan be put to shame in all his endeavors and deeds! Wake up! Amen. God! May Your holy name be glorified again and again! God! Gather Your sheep, still scattered by Murat, into one, so that everyone may peacefully glorify You! Thousands upon thousands and tens of thousands of those who listened to me, Lord, I thank You, for even now You have delivered me from the treachery of demons through the two Elizabeths, and You have destroyed confusion and enmity, and You have granted the longed-for peace and affection of the heart to me and my wife. 73 immeasurable turmoil and misfortunes, give Elizabeth some understanding and guide her to the true path, O Lord, and may my priestly curse be lifted from her for her slander and quarrels with everyone. And in anger at the sinner, and in punishment, and in reproaching him, maintain love for him and flee the hostility of the devil, for sin is a common disease, and we ourselves sin a lot. We all sin many times [James 3:2]. January 19. Sunday. Monday. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me, killed by sin. This day was a day of sorrow and distress, and the Lord, through prayer, saved me many times during Matins and Mass. At the end of the mass after communion, the enemy-villain filled me with anger at the girl who often communes, the younger Natasha, who alone is more worthy than all of us, like an angel. I deeply repented of my envy, my madness and malice. I thank the Lord for the wonderful action of the life-giving Mysteries in me. Glory to Your mercy, O Lord! What an abyss of sinful damage I have! And how exalted You are, Lord, in my salvation, deliverance, protection! The abyss of Your mercies is within me, Lord! Monday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and deliverance from the temptations of the evil because of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina in the wagon (crowded hearts during the entire journey of the carriages) and in St. Petersburg on Mytninskaya due to irritation at the long distance and at the merchants who carried me away (there was a sick mother in the house); Before prayer, in my spiritual distress, I brought ardent repentance for my irritation and grief, and the Lord mercifully heard, delivering me from sinful death and oppression, and gave me peace and boldness, with which I prayed to the Lord earnestly and heartily for myself and for everyone. I thank the Lord, who worked in me miracles of His mercy and the all-conquering power of His goodness during and after early mass (regarding the twisting of the mouth of one poor, humble, meek, pious communicant; bitterness and contempt towards her) and in St. Petersburg after the former altercation in the first class carriage with my wife, who devilishly slandered me before D. L. Krylov. I sincerely, wisely and strongly repented and soon received forgiveness, victory and peace and prayed for good everywhere with boldness. Upon returning to Kronstadt, I was again overcome by a secret evil against my wife’s malice, and again by the devil’s oppression and death, again I strongly repented and again received the mercy of God. Glory to God, who overcomes all sin in those who repent! God! Plant in us undying, all-suffering love. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me during and during the liturgy before the use of the Holy Gifts, when the Lord delivered me from the oppression of the enemy. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from melancholy and cramped conditions after cursing Generalsha Muratova for her impudent slander and playing games with me. I thank the Lord, who has had mercy on me with infinitely great mercy, for where sin abounds, there grace abounds [Rom. 5:20]. I served mass unprepared, without reading all the prayers, and the day before I drank and ate a lot; the heart became pale, hardened, became irritable, alien to the spark of love for God and neighbor. I treated confessors and confessors coldly, rudely, contemptuously, even towards the kindest baby [...] Solovyova: I was upset with him for his frequent communion and with the offerer’s crooked face. And infants are worthy of communion, for, according to the word of the Savior, of such is the Kingdom of Heaven [Matthew 19:14], and if the Kingdom, then also the communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood, for here is Christ the King; and we, adults, passionate, are unworthy of communion, especially so often, for we constantly dishonor it with gluttony and various passions: pride, pride, contempt, envy, anger. It would be surprising if there were no persecutions against me from the devil through my family or anyone else, with such glory among people that the Lord God gave me, with those great signs that the Lord created in people of every rank, age and condition through me, unworthy. All who lived godly were persecuted [2 Timothy 3:12]. The Lord Himself was persecuted and slandered. We must feel sorry for our enemies and pray for them, so that they do not perish in their sins and in their malice. I thank the Lord, who made me successful in my prayers in the capital during spiritual conversations. I thank the Lord for spiritual peace and silence and for the destruction of the enemy’s intrigues that began in the heart. Grant me, Lord, not to think [any] evil about my visible enemies, but to pray for them and have pity on them, so that they may come to their senses, may change for the better, may they be saved by turning to You with all their hearts in weeping and groaning. Sin is a common disease and common misfortune of people, as we are convinced of this in our own experience. Therefore, one must especially feel sorry for those who sin, whether willingly or unwillingly, in knowledge or ignorance, and pray earnestly to God for them, that He may guide them on the right path by His mercy, turning them away from sin and opening the eyes of their hearts. Thinking like this, I suddenly saved myself yesterday during Matins from the greatest oppression and sorrow, and with great boldness and pleasure I read the canons and sang. So, look with love at those who sin, and not with enmity, so that you yourself will not be condemned, hating sinners, being a sinner yourself. Always pray to God, not as outside, but as existing and abiding within you: the Kingdom of God is within you, as the word of God says [Luke 17:21]. Many, not having God within themselves, pray only externally, and not internally, and therefore fruitlessly. So, cleanse yourself, O man, from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit and create holiness in the fear of God [2 Cor. 7:1], so that your God may always be and abide in you. Amen. 25 January 86 Sinners must therefore be greatly pitied and grieved for because with their sins they anger the All-Good One and incur His righteous wrath and hasten their eternal destruction, and also because they defile and stain within themselves that which is in the image of God, that is, their soul. Therefore, mourn and weep for sinners, so that we may be counted worthy of the bliss of those who mourn [Matthew 5:4]. Hey, amen. Boldly and willingly allow those who wish to receive Holy Communion to the Holy Chalice and do not forbid them; nevertheless, do not be upset with them, do not envy them, do not be greedy, consuming everything! For it is said: Drink, all of you... Eat, all of you... I thank the Lord for the miracle of obedience, deliverance, peace, boldness, justification, success in prayers. Confirm, O God, this which you have done in me; give me righteousness of heart and inalienable peace. God! Give some understanding to my household, who breathe slander and malice against me, transform them from wolves into lambs, teach them to be grateful to You and to me, Your servant and their nourisher, and establish peace in my house, for I am Your servant. Grant me to remember Your saying: Blessed are you when they revile you... and slander you in every way unrighteously for My sake. Rejoice and be glad, for great is your reward in heaven [Matthew 5:11–12]. I have received great glory from You; I will also accept the slander of my household, which You allowed for my humility and purification. If good things are received from the hand of the Lord, will we not endure the evil ones? [ Job 2:10 ]. I will endure. God! Do not [compare] Your prayer book and hymnologist, the builder of Your Mysteries, even if unworthy, with the people of this world, whose lot is this life, but exalt them above their pride and malice and envy and place them above their high-firing 74 . Let Thy hand [Ps.9:33], O Lord, be lifted up within me over my enemies, who insult me ​​publicly and mercilessly. God! You were begged from me yesterday by all the wonderful, all-good, godly 75 Your look at the race of humanity, Your conception, birth, infancy, adolescence, courage, Your teaching, miracles, suffering, Your blood, death, resurrection and ascension into heaven, Your sitting at the right hand of the Father, and overthrew all the deceit of the devil into me, and gave me a wonderful world. I praise and thank you, Lord! I thank the Lord for taking away the devilish despondency and melancholy during Matins, which befell me as a result of remembering the insolence of my family. For my secret repentance, the Lord performed in me a miracle of the sweetest salvation, and throughout Matins and Mass I served with the greatest boldness and received good communion. I thank the Lord. I thank the Lord for the complete peace of my soul after consuming the Holy Gifts (for before that there were confusions and demonic intrigues, struggles, wounds). I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic malice in the house of Nikolai Korshunov (in apartment [...] No. 10) and in the apartment of Grigory Timofeevich Sidorov and in another place, for tears of repentance. I thank the Lord, who pacified my soul soon after I cried out in Markov’s apartment for deliverance from the confusion that followed the words [of rejection] spoken by Muratova, who dared to slander and slander me to my face with impudence. I thank the Lord, my Protector. How strong and scorching are the attacks of Satan and how great is Your protection and intercession, O Lord, which You showed today during and after early mass! God! Protect the honor of Your priesthood, the glory of Your redemption, the glory of Your most pure Body and Blood in me, the glory of Your justification, Your peace, Your holiness in me from my household, who attack me unrighteously and brutally in order to devour me, dishonor me, mix me with dust. God! I pray to You, I always repent to You, before You are my feasible corrections, my praises to You, thanksgivings, sighs, tears, all my service is before You, according to Your word I am a servant to everyone [Matthew 20:26, etc.]; O Lord, do not forsake Your servant and tame my household, especially my wife, who became my first enemy. God! I did not do her any harm or dishonor - she believed the slander and attacked me as a criminal. May the Lord lead her out of her absurd delusion! I thank the Lord, who made me glad with the service of Matins and Liturgy, and especially with the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and who overcame my invisible enemies. I thank the Lord, who showed mercy after a prayer service outside the city in Dodonov’s house, who accepted tears of repentance and cleansed the impurity of my heart. Evening. Twelve and a half o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who created in me a miracle of salvation through my intense prayer in the carriage from despondency and cramped conditions due to the spread of talk about my imaginary connection with a certain female person (Evfrosinia Nikolaevna said in the carriage). It’s good that Kostanda didn’t ask me to pray due to the circumstances, but they let me go without prayer, taking my word to pray tomorrow (January 29, Wednesday), and I could beg the Lord to take away mortal despondency from my heart, and here at Bakhteyarov (according to Fontanka) I was bold in prayer, reading loudly, resisting the invisible enemy who was fighting me. Glory to Thee, my champion, Lord! Glory to You, my eternal, true, vital glory! Make, Lord, my heart capable of the most sincere goodwill towards the most evil enemies, who, as far as their malice depends, deprive me of my good name. Confirm me, Lord, in the love of Thy and my neighbor. May my heart not secretly unite with mental enemies in order to fulfill their destructive desires and ill-will their enemies, but may it diligently reflect them and unite with the Lord in order to diligently wish them well and sincerely pray for their correction, enlightenment, softening, and goodness; Treasure for yourself good in every way, and not evil, as evil and unreasonable people hoard, collect evil in every way and prepare themselves as food for eternal fire - and you also extract good from the evil of others towards you, pray for them kindly and diligently. Wake up! Good is true profit. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who hastened to celebrate the liturgy, receive communion, and administer the sacrament. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the wiles of the demons during and after the service in the church and in Bykov’s house before and during prayer services (secret contempt for a woman spoiled and [...] from holy water). Evening, twelve o'clock. I thank You, Lord, for the wonderful, quick salvation You have done in me from the crowding, sorrow and melancholy of the enemy, which befell me from the feeling of my family’s enmity against me. I languished for two and a half hours (more than three hours) and in a first-class carriage on the railway, through a secret prayer to the Lord, I was delivered. The Lord is everywhere near us and hears, has mercy and saves. God! Put an end to my wife’s enmity against me and her slander. Die our life. I see the insidious, evil intention of the evil spirits in opposing me when serving God: they, the accursed ones, want to prevent me from glorifying the Consubstantial and Life-Giving Trinity, my life and praise and power. May this never happen. Like a trumpet, I will proclaim the glory of the Royal Trinity. God! Grant me the Sacrament of Marriage to be celebrated without stumbling, solemnly, heartily! (February 12, 1886) Lord! Thank you for your boldness and success in prayers in St. Petersburg. God! Rtsy, may the storm become quiet [Mark 4:9]. Wake up! I pray for this with faith earnestly. Vain temptation will be turned away from me and from Your people. Break the horn of pride and malice, O Lord, and bring down those who proudly lift up their heads to Thy priesthood and the Sacrament of Thy most pure Body and Blood, of which I daily partake, and completely subdue them under the feet of Thy servant, so that the wife may not exalt herself over her husband in her wickedness and slander, and let not malice boast in its malice. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who renewed me through the service of the Liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries and destroyed in me the malice and deceit of invisible enemies who inflict grief and hostility because of an empty case on a fellow reader (I missed some time in singing, Lord, have mercy) and on those asking for my prayers in St. Petersburg (due to the distance or height of the climb upward (at General Stremoukhov)). Through a sincere prayer of repentance, the Lord soon delivered and granted peace with boldness and love for one’s neighbor. Friday. Grant, Lord, a sinless, holy day, prosperous in everything. Do not take revenge on your enemies, slanderers and haters with even a single thought of rancor or malice, but leave vengeance and punishment to the righteous Lord: Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to the wrath of God. For it is written: Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord [Rom.12:19], but pray earnestly for those who hate and offend, so that they do not perish from their hatred. Twelve at night. I thank the Lord for [...] in prayers in St. Petersburg. What I did wrong was that at the St. Petersburg station I drank a glass of bitter vodka and ate a quick sandwich: that’s why there were unclean movements in the flesh, and at night I almost became desecrated in a dream; stood up and quickly prayed on his knees. Grant peace to me and my wife, O Lord, may the tuna not despise me and hate me in vain. I thank the Lord, who healed my heart wound and cleansed my inner impurity through zealous secret repentance in a first-class carriage and then in a carriage (in St. Petersburg) before the visit of Senator Chernoglazov, whom he communed with the Holy Mysteries with the greatest boldness. In the carriage were General Nikolai Mikhailovich Yafimovich and his wife Sofia. God! Grant me, by Your grace, to overcome all evil in myself, all sin. God! Destroy the slander against me, so that in peace and love I will always praise You and call on Your holy name with boldness. Wake up! God of continuous miracles, God of immeasurable mercy towards me, a great sinner! I thank You for Your wondrous, greatest salvation during Matins, when the bodiless fisher caught me with grief at my family for breaking through cardboard (a great thing to be upset about) supposedly out of malice, and for taking away sorrow and oppression from the soul, and for giving peace and spaciousness of heart. However, the Lord saved me many times during Matins and Mass during the repeated ploys of the devil. Glory to the Lord, I am ashamed of my face, as I sin so much every hour! After the mass for the use of the Holy Gifts, I felt the greatest peace and bliss within me, and I felt good at the prayer services. But when I came home and saw my wife and sister-in-law pouting, my spirit became confused and upset, and I hastened to move away from evil, so as not to fall into evil; but it followed me, and the whole time I was moving from Kronstadt to Oranienbaum I was in the cramped conditions of hell, I repentantly prayed for deliverance from evil and for the pacification of me and my family - and upon entering the Oranienbaum shore I completely got rid of mental trouble, feeling peace, silence, boldness, rightness, and all the time in the carriage and during prayers in St. Petersburg I felt very good and prayed with great boldness. Glory to God, who works His miracles in us! God! Just as You change me for good every day with Your immeasurable goodness, so change my embittered wife and her sister for good, so that they may live in peace in the midst of my dwelling and in piety and in Thy fear. Their pride continually rises [Ps.73:23]. The sinner has overcome us with words... You will cleanse their wickedness [Ps. 65:4], if they repent. I thank You, Lord, for You heard my cry from the depths of my soul in my sorrow and distress when I was traveling to Oranienbaum, and You gave me peace and joy after tears. I thank You, Lord, for the success and boldness in my prayers. Protect, O Lord, Your unworthy servant from the cruelty of domestic wolves and their tearing apart. Tuesday. Day of Saint Isidore Pelusiot. I thank You, Lord, for this day, during Matins and the early Liturgy, You surprised me with miracles of Your mercy and power, delivering me from the scorching stings of Belial, who first occupied me with grief and anger at the poor (especially [at] women who often beg, and children), and then during mass stung me with greed and envy, when I noticed that the prosphora for the laity was baked very small and that the prosphora maker makes very big profits, as it seemed to me. Should I, a communicant of the Body and Blood of the Lord, pay attention to bread and perishable food? We must take care of the worthy acceptance of incorruptible food in Christ, and not in someone else or in what to place our lives. Before the consecration of the Gifts, I had severe agony with demons. After mass a wonderful peace came. I read the prayer behind the pulpit very loudly and triumphantly, and said the entire dismissal to the end. Glory to God to the winner! And we ourselves are always overcome by our lusts and passions. Alas for us! Evening. Twelve at night. I thank the Lord for the peaceful mood throughout the day (from early mass) and for the help and success in prayers in St. Petersburg with peace of mind and boldness. Red forms are stolen from telegrams by my family. This is the baseness of souls! Offenders and thieves will not inherit the Kingdom of God [1 Cor. 6:9–10]. And earlier, a hundred postage stamps were stolen from the table. What if I did something similar to them? But, on the contrary, they have all the satisfaction from me. Judge them, O Lord, who have lifted up their heels against me. Saint Vukol. The agony of hell is terrible, from which I got rid of the most intense and long-lasting repentance in repeated anger at the innocent, kind, pious Alexandra Vasilievna from St. Petersburg (poor) because she often comes to bother me to confess and give communion (where to rejoice in that). But glory to the immeasurable goodness of God, invincible by our malice and conquering all our malice. I have been delivered from bitter hell and satanic poison. Science has always been good to me throughout my life: to love everyone without hypocrisy and not to despise anyone. I thank the Lord for yesterday’s salvation in the return carriage twice through secret prayer. Thursday. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering performance of Matins and the early liturgy and for the successful struggle against the opposing principles and powers of the air (and I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit loudly, with feeling). Thank you for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for delivering me from secret falls of grief and displeasure when visiting some women in St. Petersburg after secret repentance and a heartfelt appeal to the Lord; For everything, glory and thanksgiving to the Lord. Saturday. I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic attacks, and for help during the service of Matins and Liturgy, and for receiving the Divine Mysteries into the world of my spiritual strength. I thank the Lord for his greatest boldness during prayers at Yafimovich’s (on the Admiralteyskaya Embankment, house of the Peasant Society) and then in other houses. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the sorrow and cramped conditions that oppressed me the entire time I was traveling from Kronstadt to Oranienbaum and from Oranienbaum to St. Petersburg, and there in the apartment of the sick Lazarev (Pushkinskaya Street, building 8, apartment 4), and in the house of Miloradovich (Gagarinskaya, No. 1). Destroy, Lord, the hostility of my wife and sister-in-law and create peace between us as before, destroying all slander. Enough for the enemies to mock us. To all Your blessings add, O Lord, this goodness of Your mercy, Your strength, Your wisdom. Wake up. Amen. I thank the Lord for all the good things, for all salvation, for all help shown to me this day in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg. I especially thank you for your uncondemned communion of the Divine Mysteries and for your great boldness in prayer. Wedding. The Creator in His best earthly creation, in the image and likeness of the former, the Saint in His shrine, the supreme Artist in His wonderfully beautiful art and sculpture! What reverence and spiritual delight should be filled by the priest who crowns the couple and serves as some instrument of creative Divine intentions! God! Reward my wife and sister-in-law with the sevenfold in the depths of the ungrateful for all the reproaches with which they revile me unrighteously and maliciously, and stretch out Your rod upon them, depressing and humbling, so that they may arise from the devil’s snare and the slander woven against me. Strike the hand that writes slander and evil mockery, so that it will be punished - do not blaspheme. But strengthen me, a partaker of You, the Lamb of God, every day by Your mercy for patience and glorification of Your name. God! I thank You that through so much trouble at home You allowed me to pass through without stumbling in spirit and did not abandon me with Your mercy and help, but appeared to me as a helper, intercessor and comforter. And now, Lord, I pray to You with all Your countless help and mercy in the days of my youth and throughout my priesthood before You, help me clearly and solemnly in the upcoming wedding in the capital’s Stroganov Church in front of a brilliant public, and for this sake, grant me a pure heart and lofty thoughts and a firm tongue, so that I will not stumble in a single word. Amen. To wish evil for others means to wish evil for oneself, and vice versa: to wish good for others means to wish oneself, for this is the law of God: love your neighbor... as yourself [Matthew 19:19]. (Many crayfish rushed at me and clung to my beard and hair for wishing cancer on a man who was an evil slanderer.) I will never again have a wedding in the capital or anywhere other than my parish. There is no air in the Sheremetyevo Church - the church is small and non-resonant. I was completely exhausted and embarrassed, although I strongly prayed to God for a successful wedding. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from fire, sorrow and oppression and the poisonous remorse of demons during Matins of secret repentance. Trouble befell for irritability towards the poor. Then, during mass, I was extremely embarrassed, or rather, I was extremely indignant because of the Popov brothers (children of Luka Popov), who were shouting furiously while singing in the choir, extremely sharply, quickly and abruptly. They ruined the whole day for me due to my weakness and impatience. I could not speak the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal. Only intense repentance and the use of the Holy Gifts healed my soul. I thank the Lord, who saved me in the carriage from the poisonous remorse of the serpent (in St. Petersburg [...]) at the sight of the cunning, malice and mockery of the secret [...] I narrowed my eyes and in the end threw slander at me like a stone. Judge, O Lord, those who offend me, overcome those who fight me [Ps. 34:1]. When I die, then I will get rid of the slander, for I will go to God for judgment, and with Him is truth and mercy, and even more so, mercy. I blame myself for eating and drinking wine after an early mass at [M...], at the chief of staff Gerken (meat, wine, tea, cheese) and drinking a glass of bitter vodka at the station and thereby weakening my heart and relaxing it and could not resist in the fight against opposing forces at the wedding. Friday. I thank You, Lord, who miraculously and quickly heard my secret prayer in the first grade of the gymnasium (second hour of the day) and miraculously fulfilled it, for I received consolation in sorrow, relief in heaviness, and reconciliation in my soul. How wonderfully omnipotent, all-good, how swift in action is Your power, O Lord my God, cutting off the destructive, deadly power of sin in our souls, oppressed, slandered, raped by the murderous devil. I hope, Lord, that in the future You, by your inscrutable goodness, will destroy in me and in my house all the machinations of the enemy, arranged for dishonor and destruction for me, and that You will glorify Your holy name again and again in me and in my household and in all Your people, for I want this sincerely, earnestly, and I pray to You for this, I pray to the Creator and Savior. Amen. I thank the Lord for the gift of celebrating the Liturgy without stumbling; I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit sincerely, diligently, boldly, victoriously. I used the Holy Mysteries for joy and belly. Rtsy, Lord, may the storm turn into silence [Mark 4:39], may darkness be transformed into light, may demonic oppression be transformed into space by Divine grace, may wrongness and guilt be replaced by righteousness, may confusion be replaced by peace, may demonic despondency be replaced by boldness. Rekoh, pray, and be done. Glory to Thee, Lord! God knows him in his hardships, always intercedes and 76 [Ps.47:4], and always intercede, Lord! Sunday. Meat plot. Early mass with matins. I thank the Lord for the entire abyss of His deliverances during the all-night vigil (matins) and early mass, for all the destruction in me of all the evil machinations of the enemy, all his malice and pride, and for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries for me and some lay people. Monday. Going to matins and seeing the poor old woman from St. Petersburg Alexandra Vasilyevna, I sinned - I was angry with her in vain because she often [travels] to Kronstadt, and in church, when she asked for a blessing, I called her a whore, wandering around uselessly, and said these words with anger; and for his hostility to the pious, almost holy old woman, he was punished with great sorrow and cramped conditions throughout the entire matins and mass, and he served mass restlessly, unworthily, and did not receive the Holy Mysteries victoriously and life-giving, and did not pronounce the entire prayer behind the pulpit. For a long time then I struggled with invisible enemies that stung me inside. But I thank the Lord for hastening in prayer. To Kamenskaya, maid of honor (Gagarinskaya embankment, No. 1), on Friday, to Sgibaeva (Nikolskaya, No. 29) on Thursday. I thank the Lord for the invaluable blessing of peace with my family, who have turned from enemies into friends. This is the work of Your right hand, Lord. This is the betrayal of the right hand of the Most High 77 [Ps.77:11]. May the enemy never again shake our peace. I thank the Lord for success in prayers in St. Petersburg, among other things with Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna and Senator N. I thank the Lord, who preserved me in the purity of thoughts and feelings, who was my guardian. The Lord leads us from corruption to incorruption, from sin to truth, and we strive with all our might for corruption, we love corruptible pleasures, treasures, corruptible beauty, temporary distinctions and decorations, neglecting spiritual decorations, incorruptible virtues: meekness, gentleness, purity, humility, mercy, condescension, patience - spiritual treasures, pleasures. Instead of becoming rich in God through love and good deeds, we become rich in many-passionate flesh and, because of love and addiction to it, we fall away from love for God and our neighbors. If someone is rich, we envy; If someone has received an external, precious distinction, we envy and humiliate the recipient, calling him unworthy, whereas, having received it ourselves, we rejoice and consider ourselves worthy. Oh, grant, O God, to love You alone and to have You alone as treasure, and adornment, and consolation, and food, and drink, and the robe of incorruptibility. I have one true life good, an eternal good - the Lord, yet all earthly so-called blessings are untrue, illusory, ephemeral, transitory, like smoke, and do not give life to the soul and therefore must be imputed for nothing - all earthly splendor and every earthly treasure, all beauty, all wealth. The enemy at mass attacked me through my addiction to the thickness and whiteness of the prosphora, or through an addiction to bodily satiation, which to desire in the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord is impudent and sacrilegious and alienating from the Lord, for the most pure Body and Blood are spirit and life [John 6:63], and not ordinary bread used to satisfy the body. This is bread that perishes, and this is food that remains in eternal life [John 6:27]. Be gone, tempter Satan! You have already attacked me like this many times, knowing my greed. God! Keep me in Your holiness and righteousness. To be without the liturgy for even one day is a great deprivation for me: I weaken in spirit and body. But I thank the Lord for his obedience in my secret and open prayers on this non-liturgical day (Maslenitsa Friday). The desire and maintenance of vain splendor turns the heart away from God, and the splendor of gold and silver and precious stones becomes an idol for the soul, before which a person bows and trembles, lest he should fade, and neglects the true light that enlightens every person. Likewise, for a glutton, beloved food and drink become idols, but the true food that abides in the eternal life [John 6:27] - the Body and Blood of Christ and the word of God - is despised. Oh, how many idols! Yesterday, yesterday and today I am unwell with a cold cough and am staying in Kronstadt. I sometimes go to the services: I went to give the sick food in the morning. I condemn myself for laziness, disobedience and for being upset at those who invite me to the needs, especially to include the sick. I must willingly, diligently, with humility, joyfully serve everyone, especially the sick, as members of Christ, as Christ God Himself, according to His words: just as you did it to one of these... you did it to Me [Matthew 25:40]. Otherwise, we want to please ourselves, our passions and whims, and not God and our neighbors. Bad. Fire comes from the Lord and burns those who offend His saints. They are fire and light. Our present doxology is a preparation for the eternally joyful doxology of the Holy Trinity in the Kingdom of Glory. Let us glorify not only with our lips, but also with our deeds. God was man and made man god 78. Without celebrating the Liturgy, I weaken in spirit and body, and there is no free speech in my mouth, no flight of thought, no fervor of feeling, but my whole soul becomes numb and freezes. Oh, what a gift of God to us sinners the liturgy and the Most Pure Mysteries of the Body and Blood of God! This is the spirit and belly, the power and strength of God. Glory to You, Lord, who does not leave us orphans, for sins orphan us every day, depriving us of the Father - God. I thank You, Lord, for You helped me overcome invisible enemies, who hurt and embarrassed and weakened me during prayer at Burachok’s prayer service after I secretly asked You for the gift of victory over invisible enemies and forgiveness of my voluntary and involuntary sins. I served especially easily and without stumbling in Bykov’s house (after Burachok with Captain Spitsyn). Today I’ve been sitting at home all day since twelve o’clock. Thursday. First week of Lent. I thank the Lord for deliverance from evils and the revival and renewal of my soul after secret repentance for the grief and anger I suffered in vain against Father Pavel and the former janitor Ivan, who invited me to give prayer to his newborn baby. I thank the Lord for his help in prayers in St. Petersburg until I ate and drank too much for myself out of some kind of man-pleasing, eating and drinking at General Kozen’s. With him and his wife, by the grace of God, I prayed intensely and with boldness (that is, I did not eat or drink with them before prayer, but only at the Oranienbaum station I drank a glass of bitter vodka and [ate] a sandwich with fish). And after Cozen (I drank a glass of sherry and ate fish without any appetite), the grace passed away, and Mr. [A...] I could not pray with boldness and sincerity: the demon filled my heart (what a pity!) and then, until nine o’clock in the evening. That's what intemperance does! Prayer loves abstinence. I thank the Lord for the wonderful actions of His mercy and power in me, for I, who fell into anger against the innocent Alexandra Vasilievna (from St. Petersburg), had mercy on me for repentance and brought me out of hell into peace and joy. And many times during Matins and Mass and after Mass, the Lord delivered from the snares and snares of poisonous demons. The enemy stammered in every possible way and did not allow me to speak. Monday. The abyss of temptation, the abyss of the devil’s bitterness, the depth of repentance and self-condemnation - and the abyss of God’s mercy and power in me! I cannot count the many greatest blessings of God, His quick obedience, kindness and goodness, for many many times the Lord changed in me darkness into light, anger into goodness, confusion into peace, crowdedness into space, shame into boldness, wrong into rightness, sleep into wakefulness, laziness into zeal, stinginess into generosity, pride into humility. How good I am with the Lord! Every sin in thought, in feeling, in the movement of the will is illegal, it is a betrayal of the Lord, His truth, holiness, His eternal laws. Therefore, man, be afraid of unrighteous thoughts, so that you may appear faithful to the Lord in everything. I thank the Lord that by His grace he granted me to perform the Presanctified Liturgy without stumbling and to read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, in which the enemy wrestles with me, and to say all absolution. I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free service of Great Compline. I triumph a hundredfold every day in the victory of God’s mercy and power over my countless sins and over the same number of invisible enemies of God and mine! I sing a song of victory to You, Lord! Amen. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who showed me His wonderful mercy today by delivering my weakness from the villainy of ethereal enemies, who cruelly seek my destruction; and many times today the Lord protected me and saved me from their malice during Matins and after Matins (a prayer service in a cold bench near the chapel, which is near the stone wall opposite the Gostiny Dvor). There is a lot of unrighteous grief and anger towards the innocent. I thank the Lord for the unfailingly, loudly, harmoniously perfect service (Matins), for the kind voice of a sincere heart rejoicing in God the Savior, for I was tangibly saved from the great, acute temptation of the devil and from hellish fire and oppression. During the celebration of the hours, Vespers and the Presanctified Liturgy, due to my impatience and irritability, I was subjected to extremely acute, painful and disastrous temptations from demons. Oh, what unbearable, hellish oppression I experienced, how I broke down, shrank, became embarrassed, and was scorched by hellish fire. And the Lord repeatedly and unceasingly saved me with His wonderful mercy! Why are such temptations happening to me? For the sake of unbridled belly: I eat fish and drink wine. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering performance of the Presanctified Liturgy and for the communion of the Holy Life-giving Mysteries, which wonderfully revived me. I thank the Lord for the good obedience and mercy of deliverance from heart wounds in the first class carriage through the prayer of repentance [and] in the carriage on the way to the Vyborg side and for the bold, unfailing prayer in the apartment of the private bailiff of the first section of the Vyborg part. Then, before his communion, while reading the prayers, I was embarrassed and could not pronounce, embarrassed by the standing priest of St. George, Father Vasily. Through a prayer of repentance, the Lord delivered me from this misfortune right there in the carriage. Thursday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who heard me in the apartment of Ivan Vasilyevich Semenov (retired colonel) and Nikolai A. Machigin, and saved me from sinful movements in the flesh and in the heart after a heartfelt secret invocation of His name, and who gave me peace, freedom, and boldness, and the unstumbling service of prayers. Evening. Twelve and a half hours. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the fierce demonic torment that befell me on the top floor of Mr. Polilov’s house (Petersburg, Vasilyevsky Island, Middle Avenue between the Third and Fourth lines) from thoughts and regrets about the treasures of the new church in Kronstadt in the House of Diligence, if I move to St. Petersburg to another church. Through this thought and regret I wounded my soul, died spiritually, fell into sorrow and distress, fell away from God and love for my neighbor; Only repentance with tears and returning to God with all my soul revived me again. I thank the Lord for serving Mr. Polilov, for his help and assistance and defeating the demonic machinations. I thank the Lord, who showed me immeasurable help and mercy during confession and communion of many lay people and during the service, who delivered me from the frequent remorse of invisible serpents and who gave me peace and boldness. I thank the Lord, who showed me the greatest help and protection during the service of Sunday matins and early mass in the Assumption Church, for deliverance from fierce invisible enemies, for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries and for success in prayers in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg. (Duchess [F...] from Italy, née Annenkova.) I thank the Lord for all the miracles of His mercy towards me, a sinner, these days, for deliverance from the snares of demons and from my passions during and after services, for the non-judgmental, life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for help in glorifying and invoking the name of the Lord in prayers in different houses of St. Petersburg. I especially thank the Lord for the destruction in me of the depths and strongholds of Satan, erected through infatuation with passionate movements of anger and other passions (in the apartment of Nadezhda Adamovna Garpinchenko); then in Kronstadt in Coralli’s house in her apartment, upon arrival from the gymnasium and upon meeting with her hostile wife; then outside the city in the apartment of the gardener Andrei Nikitin (the strong strongholds of hell were destroyed by grace, and a prayer service and memorial service were served with grace); then in Bykov’s house (before the prayer service and during the prayer service), in the apartment of the mechanic Zaozersky (in Coralli) before the prayer service with an akathist to the Kazan Mother of God, in the house [...]. Oh, what kindness of God! What simplicity! What a speedy deliverance! What a strength of God’s gracious mercy! What a surpassing majesty of God’s goodness, infinitely greater than the greatness of our sins and failures! I thank You, Lord, that You, in Your wise providence for me and Mrs. Radkevich (the wife of the synodal prosecutor), slowed down her arrival in Kronstadt, and gave me time to get rid of spiritual confusion and darkness through faith and prayer of repentance and gave me the word of grace to abundantly console Your servant Nadezhda, who was very sad about the death of her eldest son, student cavalry school. I thank the Lord for many, many deliverances from various sinful tendencies, especially grief and irritation with neighbors, and [from] demonic trappings and snares, and for the granting of repentance, justification, peace, freedom, light, strength, boldness. I thank the Lord for expelling from three demon-possessed women the spirits of malice and wickedness that had tormented these unfortunates for a long time. I thank the Lord for the abyss of deliverance from sins and inclinations to sin and from demonic manifold deceit during and after services in church and at home (during Matins, midday services and Compline in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg). 19 on Wednesday, at Compline, because of demonic fear and Philip Stepanov (secret antipathy towards him), he could not say the Lord of the Many-Merciful prayers to the end... He was embarrassed, wounded, scorched by hellish fire, but for repentance and touching the Holy Throne, the Lord now healed, pacified, revived, emboldened. At Vera Ivanovna Coralli’s prayer service and litia, the enemy again stuttered, embarrassed, wounded, did not allow words to be spoken: the Grace of God, the Kingdom of Heaven and the forgiveness of sins, etc., but, repeating the same thing, with God’s help I overcame the adversary, and how good it was later, calmly! Thank God for everything... I couldn’t say the prayers of gluttony for the sake of and for the sake of falling away from love for my neighbor (Philip Stepanov - supposedly for his pride, but I myself don’t humble myself, I don’t worry about him, I don’t pray for him sincerely, I run from him, just as he runs from me). God! Unite us together with a union of faith and love and grant me not to be afraid of him, for he is pious. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times from the snares and snares of the enemy in the church and at home and in the House of Diligence (at the meeting on March 20), from the snares of contemplation, lust, gluttony, anger, self-interest, and fear of the devil. Murnov served the all-night vigil with a relaxed spirit due to [...] Veliarov's addiction, as sometimes with Philip Stepanov due to hostility towards him and his wife! How many different networks! Away with all partiality and all hostility! For all this is from the devil and serving the devil, not God. (In Coralli’s house, the mother of the girls’ high school teacher received communion, her heart weakened because of the sight of the girlish.) I thank the Lord, the all-merciful deliverer, for deliverance from the evil trappings of the devil, confusion, and oppression, and spiritual death, and for giving peace and freedom with boldness at the beginning of the early liturgy. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the lies and slander of the devil against the Holy Mysteries by splitting them into small parts for the communicants - from the wickedness of the heart, which sought in them plumpness and density (slackness) and bodily, not spiritual saturation (oh, the absurdity of the devil!). I repelled the enemy’s machinations with the words: “I believe and confess to the Lord, for in the smallest particle of the Body and Blood the whole Christ rests.” The gates of hell came against me in the person of Muratova and my wife, but by the Lord I stand firm, and they did not prevail against me; and these wives are hidden 79 by a stone - Christ, who will fall on them, for the Lord is patient, not without seeing their slander, malice and curses directed at me. The Lord showed mercy to me yesterday at my mother’s grave, granting me deliverance from the sorrow that befell me from the anger of my wife. Evening. Sunday of the Fourth Week of Lent (beginning of the Fifth Week). I thank You, Lord, for You surprised Your mercy in me during Matins and the early Liturgy and after it, sovereignly and quickly delivering me from the snares of the enemy, from the poison of the devil, from sorrow, oppression, from shame, and gave me the greatest boldness and triumph of the spirit during the singing and reading of the stichera and canons of the morning and a touching service with tears liturgy. I thank You, Lord, for You were my helper during the service of prayers in houses and the deliverer there from various demonic deceits and traps. I thank You, for Your people are joyfully edified by the service and preaching of the word of God and are strongly disposed towards me with all their being. All good things come from You, Lord, but I am not worth the favor of people. Monday. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great mercy in church during Matins in delivering me from the serpent’s remorse, confusion and spiritual distress through repentance and in bestowing righteousness, peace, freedom and boldness, with which I solemnly, joyfully and sweetly read the canons and sang stichera, then outside the church in the house of the gardener Dodonov outside the city and in the apartment of Athanasius Gavrilov (I was irritated with him for accidentally inviting me to serve a prayer service). I thank the Lord, who surrounds me with the joys of deliverance! How sweet it is to be with the Lord! How good it is to serve Him with a sincere heart! No good on earth equals this good! Tuesday. The Day of the Annunciation was marked for me by the immeasurable mercies of God in church during matins, mass and after mass, and in the homes of the laity, who invited me to serve prayer services; according to an evil custom, I was often irritated internally or externally and at the same time secretly in my soul with hostility [verb 80], for example with Metropolitan Isidore, whom I imagined as a rude despot, arrogantly and contemptuously treating the white clergy, including me (for which I sincerely repented to the Lord and had mercy, for I begged the Lord to destroy the old my dislike for him to the end). He became irritated with others and immediately repented. Especially in the case of a commemoration in Krylov’s apartment, in Ivan Sidorov’s house in Krasnaya Street, in the apartment [...], etc. Having sinned infinitely much towards the Lord and before people, he was pardoned infinitely for faith and repentance. Glory to Your immeasurable mercy, Lord! Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who poured out an abyss of mercy on me during Matins for my repentance of the sin of secret hostility towards the abbot (Trachevsky) and who granted me deliverance, justification, peace, lightness, boldness and the greatest triumph and sweetness of spirit while reading and singing the canons at Matins. Many times I fell to the holy throne under the repeated intrigues of Belial the enemy, who constantly taught enmity against my neighbor and even against His Eminence Metropolitan Isidore for his severity of treatment of me. Oh, how sweet it is to be right and one with God! What bliss! What a heavenly breadth in the heart! What a joy! What a celebration! God! In every place and at every time You save and have mercy on me many times over, wherever and whenever I call on You with all my heart. You are always a ready helper and a quick deliverer. I commend to the memory of Your mercies, who were with me on the landing of the stairs of the Sinebryukhov house: I cried out to You with all my heart, and You delivered me from the networks of demons and gave me permission, and it became easy, easy for me. It's March 26th. Today, at many prayer services, an invisible adversary confused me, not allowing me to pronounce the words. I fought with him in hope of You and overcame him, and You corrected my prayer; In many ways, he, the adversary, wanted to confuse me and hurt me, but You destroyed his deeds in me. God! Remember and comfort Your servants Elizabeth and Olga, oppressed by the all-evil enemy and murderer, and grant [them] to live in peace and love and to live pleasingly to God all the time. Wake up! Remember their sacrifices and offerings to Your Church and save them! Amen. Friday. After Presanctified Mass and evening confession. I thank You, Lord, for You, having heeded the cry of my secret repentance, extinguished the fiery temptations and lusts that came upon me, or, rather, cold thoughts 81, and brought me from spiritual death to life, to peace and space, granting me to unfalteringly perform the Liturgy and read the prayer behind the pulpit and release all; For all the countless mercies of this day, I thank You, Lord! Amen. God! Accept my prayer for all those who come running to You through me, unworthy, and require Your help! You know the needs of each and every one of them! Be a Helper, Deliverer, Intercessor, Doctor, Nourisher, Comforter, Savior, Judge, Peacemaker, Mentor, Guide to everyone! Saturday of Praise of the Mother of God. Early mass in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who, by His great mercy, delivered me from the hellish malice of the murderous serpent and who overthrew his deadly power in me at the end of mass and after mass (because of Gerasimova and Kovrigina: I was in vain upset at them for their persistent request for confession and communion, especially [at] Gerasimova). He sinned and repented, because they wanted a good deed. I began to despise them for frequent communion, instead of respecting them: they bother you, you see, often, when they have become full, they are also undesirable for the vision! Oh, my damnation! Sunday. Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who showed me His mercy and help without number in delivering me from the countless arrows of the enemy and in granting justification by faith in His blood, shed for us, and in His life-giving death. This is during Matins and then early mass and after them in church and in homes. I thank the Lord, who on this day poured out His great mercies on me in the merciful and favorable reception of the Metropolitan and in his blessing to consecrate the new church in the House of Diligence to me, although unworthy more than any priest. I thank the Lord for his help during prayers in the homes of St. Petersburg residents today and yesterday (at [...], at Nadezhda Adamovna Garpnichenko (I spared the precious cross during censing so as not to smoke - oh, nonsense!)). Confusion, wounding, mortification of the spirit, darkening; after tearful repentance - deliverance, peace, boldness! Our life and gain are Christ alone; everything material, every jewel, beauty, earthly glory is nothing, vanity, denial of life, darkness, confusion, ruin of the spirit. A Christian must lead an immaterial life in a material body and must become completely spiritual, having in his heart the ever-living Christ, one with the Father and the Holy Spirit, the life of all. I thank the Lord, who made Bishop Metropolitan Isidore, through my prayer, kind and supportive, so that he allowed me to consecrate a new church (Lord grant!) and soon released me, satisfying me in everything, although without seeing me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times through my prayer during Matins and the connected hours, Vespers and the Liturgy of the Presanctified, and after that in different houses. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, at Compline the entire prayer of the Lord of Many Merciful and the entire litany separately. Thank God for all the help! Before the consumption of the Holy Gifts there was a strong, stunning attack of the devil, repelled by the goodness of God for the prayer of repentance. Glory to the life-giving effect of the terrible Sacraments of Christ! God! I do not fast with auspicious fasting. Have mercy on me. Wednesday. God! I thank You, who performed in me many miracles of Your mercy and goodness towards me, a sinner. At the beginning and after Matins, You delivered me from the fierce demonic machinations, and at the beginning of the combined service of the hours, Vespers and the Presanctified Liturgy, You destroyed in me, through the prayer of repentance and faith, a whole hell that was rushing viciously at me through the mediation of my wife, incited by sister Anna, who was incited by E. Muratova, telling her about spirituality. [...] by me O. [K...]. It was a difficult struggle, but God is with us - I came out victorious, defeating evil with good, prayer and forgiveness, for evil is not corrected by evil, just as dirt is not washed away by dirt. After mass, during which I hesitated to read the prayer behind the pulpit, for which the enemy again embarrassed me, I again resorted to God, falling to the Holy Altar with intense prayer, and again I was honored with the mercy of the Lord. I sing to the Lord, who has mercy on me. After mass, he boldly read the prayer behind the pulpit before the people. I thank the Lord, who brought understanding to my wife and sister. Glory to You, my protector! Evening. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the hellish abyss into which my wife was plunged by her slander and slander just before mass (she was not afraid of God and was not ashamed of me, a sinful servant of God!); She gave me the flames of hell, and I did not suddenly get rid of it, but through much repentance, and tears, and secret prayers, and falling to the holy throne. Then I rested 82 and rejoiced in God’s salvation; It was apparently not easy for my wife herself, her head ached greatly, and she was extremely overwhelmed by melancholy. She suffered from extreme, insane suspicion. I thank the Lord, who gave me grace in serving prayers in different places and delivered me from the inclinations of the flesh and spirit to sin. You are the church of the living God, as God said: I will dwell in them and walk in them [2 Cor. 6:16]. Now, by the grace of the Holy Spirit, the consecration of this new church 83 has been completed into a favorable village of the glory of God, for prayer, praise and thanksgiving to the Lord, for the celebration of the Divine Mysteries, for the spiritual education and edification of children living and studying here and poor workers and women workers and all living here and for perpetuating the prayerful memory in God of the deceased sovereign of the Russian land, Emperor Alexander II. First of all, let us give thanks to the Lord both for giving us this House and the means of its existence, and for the gift in it of this beautiful church and all its accessories in abundance and express gratitude to all well-wishers - Orthodox Christians, our compatriots, who made their sacrifices for this House and church with money and things, may the Lord, the King of heaven and earth, bless them for their zeal; and then let’s talk about what a church means for a Christian, how it brings God closer to us, or [us] to God, and makes us ourselves animated churches of God, sanctifies us and, in particular, how this church was needed especially for this institution, for the children raised and studying here, and for the working people working here. I thank You, Lord our God, Father of generosity and God of all joy, who has abundantly provided us with the offerings of Your children for the newly built House and this church, primarily [from our neighboring] capital and from many other cities and villages of our Fatherland, who offered their sacrifices with great willingness. God's work was wonderful! We only thought and wished how good, useful and necessary it would be for us to have our own church in this House of Labor, and the all-good Provider and Giver of every good fulfilled our desires: He inspired one good citizen of the city of Petrov to make us a monetary sacrifice, almost sufficient to build a church, and we soon turned to the proper authorities with a request to allow us to build a church. We were given permission, work began in full swing, and in five months the church was completely ready; various things necessary for the church: holy icons, liturgical books, vessels, priestly vestments, curtains, lamps, chandeliers, shrouds, banners - almost all were donated before the finishing of the church; the diligence was truly amazing: some things were donated twice or [...] three times more. I am deeply [grateful] to all the donors, may [remember], may the Lord glorify them in His Kingdom and may He reward them with incorruptible things instead of perishable things, and with eternal blessings instead of temporary ones. Now about the meaning of the church for a Christian. What is the church of God? This is the house of God, in which the Lord especially deigns to abide by His grace; Even to Solomon, who created the majestic church of the Lord in Jerusalem, the Lord said: My eyes and My heart will be there all the days [1 Kings 9:3]. Friday. God! I thank You, for You have delivered me from the poisonous devil’s bitterness (anger and irritation) in church during and after Matins, during and after confession, and at home from the heat of voluptuousness, from the vision of the nakedness of the children of what happened. I prayed to the Lady, and She saved me. I read the prayer three times to my Most Holy Lady Theotokos, with Your holy and all-powerful prayers... I thank the Lord, who deigned to consecrate the church in the House of Diligence on April 5 in the concelebration of Fathers Pavel Trachevsky, Vasily Vasilyevich Saltykov, P.P. Preobrazhensky, Peter Alekseevich Klepachevsky with two cathedral deacons and sexton Kamenogradsky and to say my word to the glory of the Tripostal God, in praise of the church builders and benefactors of the church. May I lift up my heart at all times, especially during worship in church and from home, and let me think of nothing earthly, and have no attachment to anything: neither to any flesh, nor to precious and beautiful things, nor to money, nor to earthly glory, which passes away like smoke. What is seen is temporary, what is unseen is eternal [2 Cor. 4:18]. Palm Sunday. After yesterday’s feast for the consecration of the complete church in the House of Diligence, I felt extreme weakness of heart during the all-night vigil and liturgy; sinful passions, inclinations, habits carried me away swiftly, with force, and if the Lord had not interceded and had mercy on me through the prayer of secret repentance, I would have fallen into great shame and powerlessness. Paraskeva I. Kovrigina, when I was censing the church, made on me, due to my vanity, pride and partiality, a very bad impression with her bulging eyes in glasses, although she looked enthusiastically, with love. Only through repentance did I overcome hostility. During mass and after it, the Lord, by His mercy, delivered me from the repeated sins of irritation and anger for repentance (irritation with Kovrigina and others). And what thorns there were in my soul! What a shame! What cramped conditions and sorrow! The ethereal enemy has an innumerable number of means to stun a person devoted to the world, partial to its treasures. Today he stuttered (alas! and I am biased!) with grief at the fact that the ladle for warmth was donated not silver, but a metal appliqué 84, and my heart grew cold towards the Holy Sacrament; Only through repentance and tears did I partly get rid of my coldness. At Compline, the enemy stopped with the thought of inviting one person to tea, and Vladyka the Most Merciful did not pronounce the entire prayer for fear of enemy fear, and not the entire last litany, although he tried to repeat it. During the service of prayers there were hesitations from ethereal enemies where among those praying were learning and youthful physical beauty: the heart was seduced and weakened in the struggle. But everything must be cast down at the footstool of Christ, for all things are from Christ and in Christ, and without Him nothing was made that was made [John 1:3]: at His footstool - beauty, treasures, sweetness, understanding, wisdom, learning, greatness of all kinds, for in Him all things are contained in infinity... I thank the Lord, who did good to me, who was perishing in sins (impatience, lack of love, irritability, bitterness), and, when I cried out to Him with faith and hope in unfeigned repentance, who saved me from the claws of the devil at the end of the Presanctified Liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence. The ignorant regent [sent] by P.P. Prokhorov spoiled the whole matter of prayer and the spirit of those praying, especially mine. May the Lord enlighten him and me. The Lord delivered me many times during church services. I thank You, Lord of my life, My Judge and Knower of the secrets of my heart! I thank the most merciful and benevolent Lord, who delivered me from spiritual troubles, grief and sorrow on the occasion of the bad, absurd singing in the church of the House of Diligence of girls, led by a bad regent, in the evening, and today the absurd singing and lying reading of Ivan Oktaev (always drunk). Because of him, I could not read the prayers before the consecration of the Holy Gifts at the Liturgy of Basil the Great and had to skip it so as not to confuse the worshipers. It was bitter for me. And at the beginning of the liturgy, the Lord delivered me from the devil’s snare by looking at the maiden. Evening. I thank the Lord, who quickly delivered me, through a prayer of repentance, from the consequences of anger (and punching) towards a beggar guy, an arrogant frequent beggar. Perhaps he has a great need. I'm just offended that he doesn't do anything. Great Friday. A trip to St. Petersburg for a memorial service for Father John Vetvenitsky. The devil defamed and killed my spirit just before entering the land of the former Agricultural College in a carriage because of sixty kopecks, which I spared to the gatekeeper for a pair of horses (for the benefit of the treasury); spiritual death befell me: because of money, my heart fell away from God and my neighbor. Nobody was nice to me along the way because of the pity of the money that comes to me so easily. I shed many tears of repentance in the apartment of Father John Vetvenitsky, the adversary reigned in me for a long time, finally, with an intensified prayer of repentance, he disappeared, and I calmed down, became calm and rejoiced. In the evening, many times the devil entangled me in his nets when I was confessing to the parishioners, and I entered the altar with repentance, falling to the holy throne, and the Lord loosed my mortal bonds and granted peace and freedom. Glory to the Lord! Holy Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the womb of hell during Matins at the beginning of it and, after the mortal cramped conditions and scorching fire, who gave me space, peace, cooling dew, zeal for God, ardor for the Lord, with which I solemnly read funeral hymns to the Lord resting in the tomb; I teared up from heartfelt emotion. I thank the Lord, who delivered me four times during the liturgy, which began at nine and a half o’clock in the morning. Oh, how terrible is the hellish trapping, the hellish confinement that the Lord allows us here to feel for our sins! Only faith in the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, and repentance for sins and hope in His invincible mercy, in His superior goodness, immeasurably superior to all our evils and iniquities, saves us from the torment of the devil. Oh, how great and useful and necessary our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is here, in this wonderful, sovereign, all-saving deliverance from the devil, except Whom no one can deliver us from the invisible enemies who mercilessly attack us every hour! How wonderfully saving and life-giving for me is the touch with faith, in repentance, the touch and kiss of the life-giving throne of God! I never leave him empty-handed, not delivered, but always pardoned and saved, no matter how gravely I sin! To you, who sits on the throne, the Lord of glory, the Righteous King, good and meek and saving sinners, glory, glory, glory! Our all-cursed, absurd, transient like the morning dew, the flesh loves itself beyond measure and pleases itself beyond all measure, but neglects and despises God and its neighbor. Therefore, you must always despise the flesh and love and honor God with all your heart, all your strength and all your thoughts, and love your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:37–39, etc.], and be diligent about souls, things that are immortal 85. Love of yourself, your flesh and the world is enmity against God. Therefore, crucify gluttony, love of money and greed, earthly splendor and luxury, voluptuousness, temporary glory and all passions. The Oparovskys and Pyasetskys should submit documents as soon as possible. April 14. I thank the Lord, who consoled me with great deliverance just before Easter Matins in the altar of the Church of the House of Diligence, when I fell in repentance to the holy throne and Him who sat on it (I was upset with Paraskeva Kovrigina for her frequent requests for confession and communion). To count everything earthly, to impute it as not existing, as the saints imputed it. I thank the Lord for salvation in Kalinin’s house after hostility with my wife, who attacked me, and in Bykov’s house. I pray to the Lord to quench the storm of anger and slander and to bring my slanderers to reason, curb, and punish. The Lord will consume all flattering lips and lofty tongues [Ps.11:4]. God! Repay me with good for their evil (Muratova, my wife and sister-in-law) and have mercy on me, as yesterday you had mercy on me in Kalinin’s house before the parting words of the sick Mardary Kalinin. I thank the Lord for deliverance through the prayer of repentance from the countless deadly snares of the devil during mass in the House of Diligence: Belial the accuser put in my heart grief at the looseness of the Lamb during communion and doubt about the reality of the Body and Blood of Christ - oh, insolence! – and greed for bread itself, and not for the Body of Christ; Then, at prayer services, he offended me with grief and irritation at those inviting me to prayer services, because there were many of them. In irritation, he called one woman a fool (for which he repented and received peace and boldness), smeared another with sprinkler in the face (a simple woman, thank you, was not offended), I was embarrassed, oppression took over my soul - again I sincerely repented and was again pardoned by the world. Before the funeral service for Mardaria Kalinin, the pockmarked rogue beggar boy was angrily pulled away from home - again confusion, cramped conditions, serpentine poison in the soul, and after the prayer of repentance - pardon, peace and boldness. Captain-Lieutenant Alekseev is mortally wounded by the beauty of a woman, again a secret prayer of repentance - and again permission, revival, peace and prayers with great boldness. At Mikhail I. Ryabinin’s christening, captivity with a handkerchief, embarrassment, wounding, then repentance, mercy, peace, boldness (after the christening). Glory to the Lord! Fomino Sunday (Antipascha). God! I thank You for the miracles of my salvation during the early liturgy at the very beginning, at the proskomedia, and then several times throughout it, and at the end; then in many places during prayer services. At the proskomedia and liturgy of the catechumens and part of the faithful, I was secretly upset that so many prosphoras had to be taken out, and I took them out reluctantly and not with goodwill, but simply mechanically. Before prayer services, being in confusion and cramped conditions and struggling with invisible enemies, I often first prayed earnestly and repentantly, and immediately the Lord saved me, cowardly and multi-passionate. I thank the Lord for the miracle of change in the soul of my wife, who from evil became kind, from proud - humble, from harsh - affectionate. Confirm, O God, this in her, and in me too. You did the same with her sister Anna - confirm them in piety. I thank the Lord, who revived me with His grace and mercy when I, mortified by sins, in repentance cried out to Him from the depths of my soul during my early liturgy, especially when I received Holy Communion. Oh, sensuality, sensuality, passionately seeking satisfaction only for its transient passionate flesh, its five senses, also corruptible and transitory, satisfaction not in moderation and not for needs, according to the purpose of God, but according to passion and corruption of the heart and body, for the sake of itself and others, and alienating itself from the will of God and the holiness of God, which are holy and eternal and for which we were created! Oh, voluptuous, blind, god-hating flesh in its passionate aspirations! Away from the servants of the Lord! Oh, sensitivity that rejects care for the immortal soul and caters only to the vain desires of the flesh and its passions and is all vain and empty, sinful, unclean! Oh, the most stupid sensuality, seeking satisfaction for itself even in the communion of the Holy Mysteries (so that the prosphora is not loose, not stale, but thick, soft, etc.!), so that it is more pleasant and more satisfying to eat! Oh, crazy! I thank the Lord for the immeasurable mercies poured out on me these days during and outside of worship. He took away my weaknesses and passions from my soul through sincere repentance, destroying the fierce demonic machinations in me, took away my unworthiness and gave me His Divine dignity, especially after communion of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries. Both in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg, the Lord surprised me with His mercies. God! May I be worthy of Your mercies! God! Create peace in my house and make the wife submissive to her husband according to Your will, so that he does not listen to slander and does not humiliate me. Lord, I am nothing, I am less than nothing, but Your grace creates something in me, and something important, lofty, and this lofty wife humiliates, that is, the priesthood (deification by the Holy Mysteries, that is), and after communion she brutally attacks me sometimes for nothing, and with all this she later says that she is not guilty of anything before me - she never has the consciousness of her guilt. I thank You innumerably for Your innumerable and always great mercies to me, a sinner, during and outside of services, and for the fact that You have not deprived me of Your grace until now, although I am not worthy of it due to my sins. Grant me, O Lord, all Thy praise, all prayers, all and complete release, the reading of Thy Scriptures; give me fearlessness, freedom from the devil's dreamy fears. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who showed in me the abyss of His mercy, His truth, His hasty obedience and kindness, and who gave me deliverance from the snares of demons both in the church, and along the path of the sea and on earth, and in the houses of the faithful. I thank You, Lord, for Your usual deliverance of my weakness from invisible enemies during early mass, after mass in the church and in the homes of parishioners during the service of prayers from demonic fires and bonds. Monday. Three o'clock in the afternoon. God of mercy and Lord of strength! I thank You for Your great mercies, revealed in me during the service of the early liturgy and after it in church (grief at Kovrigina Paraskeva for no reason, at the whim of the heart, and at someone else) in delivering from the fierce demonic machinations and in giving peace and freedom with boldness, especially after mass and prayer services (Vasily Murashov’s wedding day and others), after grave grief from my wife through suspicion, slander of me and mistrust (a proposed trip abroad - to Berlin and Italy) and her bickering (in a spiritual storm, in darkness and cramped conditions, I went into the Assumption Church to venerate the Holy Altar, where I drew the great and rich mercy of the Lord and the Mother of God at twelve and a half o'clock in the afternoon), and at home upon arrival from the gymnasium (new trouble from wife, whose services I rejected) after falling in prayer to God three times, he was again heard and pardoned. Why, O enemy, do you inflict defilement where there is no defilement, what was created pure from the Pure? Why do you blaspheme and desecrate the undefiled creation of God, the first defilement itself, which arbitrarily and originally conceived it and became it? Everything is purely pure, but to those defiled by conscience nothing is pure [Titus 1:15]. (Wednesday). I thank You, Lord, who has repeatedly shown me help and deliverance from enemies visible and invisible (especially invisible) during and after the liturgies. Thank you for the feeling of poverty and humility and tenderness at the memorial service for Marya Filippovna Kovina (how poor, pitiful, unclean is our nature, our heart!). Thank you for home peace. Thursday. I thank You, my most merciful and benevolent Savior and my God, who many times saved me from catching enemies during the liturgy (early), and on the ship (the enemy entangled me in a hellish net through imagination and voluptuous memory and kept me in the bonds of hell for a whole hour, until the prayer of intensified repentance drove him out of his bosom), and in a carriage on the way to the railway (Baltiysky Station, from the inspector of the second gymnasium, [Ivanovskaya Street]). I thank You, Lord, for victory over the wiles of the devil, during and after communion of the Holy Mysteries (the density and inconsistency of the Holy Lamb), over the slander of the devil and over my greed even in the Holy Bread, for peace of mind and all the joy and for the success of prayers in St. Petersburg (Saturday). After early mass. God! I thank You for the miracle of Your boundless mercy, revealed in delivering me from the hellish networks and bonds with which I was kept at the beginning of the Liturgy due to secret displeasure with the Vladimir prosphora for small prosphoras. Alas! I cared about the dying food during the heavenly, god-created liturgy and in the church, where grace reigns, grace 86 [John 1:16], and not food and drink, where the Spirit and life are, where the earthly heaven is, where all grief should have hearts, and not grovel with their worldly cares and passions. I thank the Lord, who has given me the opportunity to recognize here my wretchedness, poverty, poverty and nakedness and the need for the one Christ, our incorruptible life. Then he served with tears of tenderness. I thank the Lord, who took away from my heart the sorrow, crampedness, melancholy that depressed me after listening to one woman, spiritually close to me, who was extremely offended innocently by slander and public abuse, with whom I was included. For a whole hour I languished and prayed, finally in [Svetov’s] house in St. Petersburg, after intense secret prayer, I was completely delivered by the grace and power of Christ and with great boldness I read prayers there and everywhere in houses. Glory to Christ God! The Lord is food, and drink, and our clothing, and true, incorruptible pleasure, and wealth, and glory, and endless beauty, our peace, our life, our light, our glory, our strength. Evening. I thank the Lord, who revived me, deadened by sins, during Matins and early mass, when I cried out to Him with all my heart in repentance. There was sadness at the entrance to the church (why did they do the ringing, and before the cathedral), then at Paraskeva Kovrigina for her intense look at me in the church (secret sadness). I didn’t read all of the prayer behind the pulpit, I didn’t read all of the absolution, I stole it, but the demon didn’t give it to me. Then, through a secret prayer with tears, I begged the Lord for forgiveness and peace. I thank the Lord for the success of prayer in St. Petersburg, especially with Andrei Ivanovich Durdin. With all my heart I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to overcome grief and anger towards my brother Father Alexander Taratin for his slander of me before my father, the rector, for leaving for St. Petersburg in order not to arrive at the conciliar service in the cathedral. How hellishly difficult it was when I succumbed to the sin of bitterness to some extent, and how easy, peaceful, cheerful it became when I heartily prayed to the Lord to give me the strength to overcome sin and sincerely pray for the offender and forgive him, for who is without sin? Give me, Lord, the grace to never be angry with my enemies, with my slanderers, with those who slander about me or me personally. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who plucked the devil from the claws of the serpent and from the jaws of the devil (ostensibly because of Father Alexander Taratin, but in fact because of his pride: he told the abbot last night that I would not come again, but would spend the night in St. Petersburg, so as not to be at the cathedral mass - he had to serve at the cemetery for the deceased Sidorov Gregory). I repented, condemned myself, asking forgiveness from the Lord in the church before the Holy Altar and fervently kissing him, and received healing and deliverance (an hour before mass). Then, during mass, the enemy caught me feeling upset at the rector for his majesty in treating Father Klepachevsky, he repented - and was pardoned. On the ship he was soon heard and pardoned after deception from women's breasts and repentance [...]. I thank the Lord for the success of prayer in St. Petersburg, for the boldness and unfailingness. Glory to Your greatest victory in me, Lord, which [was] yesterday and which today (yesterday also because of Father Alexander): the Lord tamed the spirit of pride, irritation, and anger. Tame, O Lord, the spirit of Your servant E., may he cease from the madness of drinking wine, threats and attempts at [murder and suicide], and may he acquire true, unfeigned love. (In St. Petersburg with the Ilyinskys, Novinskys and others.) I thank the Lord, who aroused trust in me and heartfelt affection and respect among all the people and who supported these qualities in them by pouring out His grace on them in miraculous healings and spiritual consolations. I thank the Lord, who constantly gives me, day after day, grace and strength and boldness to make prayers, petitions, thanksgivings for all people [1 Tim. 2:1], who continually delivers me from the snares of the devil and from my countless sins, and who gives me the rightness of spirit [often and with] faith and love to serve the Lord and His people; glory to You, Lord, glorifying in me the grace of the priesthood with which You have clothed me, unworthy. I thank the Lord, who performed in me many miracles of His mercy and power on May 7, Wednesday, during the service of the liturgy in the House of Diligence (in the church) and from home (in the Bykov house), when invisible enemies caught and wounded me, confused, oppressed, darkened, suppressed the spirit in me, just as in St. Petersburg when visiting various families and praying for them; wounded, I immediately turned to the Lord with secret repentance, and He healed and pacified me. And at home in the evening the Lord healed and cleansed me from voluptuous inclinations. Glory to Thee, my Leader and Savior, and the righteous Judge, and the merciless and omnipotent Doctor! Glorify Your holy name, O Lord, and glorify everything forever! I thank You, for You have found me, who was perishing. I thank the Lord, who rescued me from the clutches of hell during the liturgy and especially after it, when I diligently fell before the Lord with faith and repentance in cowardice and fear while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, which I did not read due to demonic violence. Shlyapnikova served a memorial service better and more freely than anyone else. I thank the Lord, who showed in me works of His mercy and power when I served the early liturgy in the Assumption Church and during the liturgy and then in St. Petersburg when visiting various houses and during my prayers for people (at Father Platon Travlinsky, at the artist Lebedev, at Mr. Speransky, house 9, Ertelev Lane, at Vad. Adam., and in the carriage). The devil constantly strives to undermine, extinguish and eradicate love for God and His saints from the hearts of people, not allowing them to pronounce without terrible effort and struggle the names of the saints in worship and the name of the Trinitarian Lord Himself and entire expressions or words, for example: bless, sanctify, testify and others. Phenomena and actions and all the terrible consequences of sin were allowed into the world by God so that the eternal truth of God would appear in spirits and in people, and immeasurable mercy for those who sin, and the eternal praise and bliss of those saved in Christ, and the great joy and bliss of the Councils of Angels. I thank You, Lord, for even today You were My Quick Listener and Savior in difficult circumstances, when my wife greatly indignant and agitated me, who was preparing to serve the late Liturgy in the Assumption Church, and spoke reproachful, unrighteous words to me in her insolence. You bowed down to secret prayer and delivered me and allowed me to properly perform the liturgy. Then after the liturgy I went home - she was kind to me, offered me food and drink; but I rejected the affection, assuming slyness and flattery in it, and again I was greatly embarrassed and wounded in my soul, and poorly served the prayer service at V. A. Svishchov in the presence of a large military and merchant public. Then I secretly prayed for forgiveness and calmed down somewhat, sat down at the table for a minute, [ate]. Then he soon came home to rest, but there was no peace. I prayed earnestly in repentance, and the Lord gave peace; I fell asleep well, slept peacefully. Then again hostile memories, wounds from the devil. I could not calmly talk to those who came; invited his wife to talk; they explained themselves, got excited, argued, made peace, calmed down, and it became easy, easy for me. Thank God for everything! How much deceit and violence of invisible serpents every day to confuse, wound, darken, disgrace, destroy me! And the Lord delivers me from all these deceits and violence through prayer of repentance and faith every day, hour, minute! I thank the Lord for deliverance on the ship (to St. Petersburg), in the carriage of the Tsarskoye Selo railway and in Tsarskoe Selo in Prozorova’s apartment from the voluptuous networks of enemies, and here in Kronstadt. I thank the Lord for a hundredfold deliverance during mass in the Church of the House of Diligence (at nine o’clock in the morning) and after mass at prayer services, and for the ever-present and ever-present deliverance! And how weak and sinful and sinful I am—weigh you, Lord! But have mercy on me, Lord, for I am weak in soul and body. Amen. Evening. God! I thank You for Your unfaltering powers of deliverance and salvation, which throughout the day in countless numbers were in me and gave me great joy and boldness and success in prayer for people here and in St. Petersburg. Oh, how weak I am morally and how countless sinful impulses of all kinds are within me, from which Your immeasurable mercy saves me for my inner repentance. How merciful You are, O Lord, how merciful, how kind and helpful you are, but also righteous, and holy, and most holy! How carefully You watch over all the innermost movements of my heart, my flesh and spirit and correct my aspirations, directing me to eternal life, to a righteous and immaculate life! I thank and glorify You, Holy Father and Only Begotten Son of God and All-Holy Soul, who cleanses, sanctifies, enlightens and confirms us. When during Matins I read the canon of the holiday (Easter and Midnight) and after the last hymn the verse: It is alien for the lawless to glorify the Holy Beginning Trinity... - a diabolical thought came to me: the Father Superior does not sincerely glorify the Holy Trinity, but only hypocritically. This thought, like a snake, bit me, like the slander of an ancient enemy, like the poison of his malice, and only through diligent repentance did I get rid of spiritual trouble. When I was on my way to the ship and the warden of the Naval Unit, Savich, met me and disdainfully responded to my greetings, I was upset with him, and again there were mortal wounds in my soul for violating the gospel law, which is love. I repented for a long time on the ship, and the Lord delivered. I thank You, Lord, that even today You have deigned to correct my aspirations, and to destroy in me the machinations of invisible enemies, and to revive me, who was often killed by my sins, as in the house [T...] and in other places (I was on my knees before the holy icons in a special room, praying in repentance because of Paraskeva Petrovna: I despised and humiliated her in my heart; looking around, I saw that she cried). Do not despise anyone, do not humiliate anyone - everyone is Christ’s. Friday. I thank the Lord, who overcame in me the spirit of malice and the spirit of voluptuousness (the first because of the pious old woman, Alexandra Vasilievna, the other because of the young wife Lydia Rudakovskaya: the first on the ship, the second in Oranienbaum) after deep tearful repentance. Sunday. You showed Your mercy in me beyond measure and expectation, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, destroying in me the devil’s anger against the old woman Alexandra Vasilievna from St. Petersburg (that’s why I got angry with her for often coming to confession and allegedly taking away my time). You accepted my sincere and reasonable repentance, and forgave my sins, and gave me peace and, instead of scorching fire, dew that cools my soul and body. And I myself was corrupted. Tuesday. You, Lord, surprised me with the abyss of Your mercy in the church during and after the service and in St. Petersburg (the house of Baroness Rosen at the end of Basseynaya and Grechesky lanes, a wooden house - murmurs that the sick woman lives far away, and grief, the burden of prayer, then repentance and prayer on the droshky with God-taught words inside). Complete forgiveness and healing, peace, bold prayer in the “European” hotel with Ulanov, a Moscow merchant. Then in Kronstadt, Lieutenant Alekseev had a restless prayer with stumbling (drinking bitter vodka and sherry on the ship, the presence of Paraskeva Petrovna and Alexandra [...]), action of hostility, deliverance - and boldness in Bykov’s house at prayer services, deliverance and help everywhere. Glory to the most merciful Lord! This day was a day of God’s boundless mercy towards me during the liturgy and after it, in church and outside church during many prayer services (at Morgasov and others). How good it is for the Lord to work! How kind the Lord is to those who sincerely repent! How powerful is the Lord to save from all troubles and sorrows! Friday. God sent Andrei Vasilyevich Zverkov to meet me in St. Petersburg: I ​​thanked him for the church in the House of Diligence, asked him to tell him about my needs, that is, guardianship. Apply to him for financial assistance to set up a building for hemp and a night shelter. Contact Count Orlov-Davydov with the same request. Donate money to the cathedral - five hundred rubles. God! By faith in You, every day I set aside mountains, I erase hills, I make the obstinate 87 right and the sharp paths smooth, and I see Your salvation every day and hour. You surround me every day with the joys of deliverance, like the forefather David. Glory to You. The Kozhevnikovs and Petrovs (Samsonovs) on Kamennoostrovsky diligently invited me to their place. It was May 24th. God! Without communion of Your most pure, life-giving and terrible Mysteries in my prayers in St. Petersburg and the surrounding area, I felt weak, insincere, cold, shallow (in prayer), deadened. You are my strength, my light, my boldness, my sincerity and truth, my ardent love. Away with the vain world, away with my flesh! Be the only one in me and always with me, Lord! Have mercy on my journey to Berlin for the glory of Your name. God! I thank You for Your countless victories in me over the murderous serpent and over all his countless charms and snares in me, over all the slander and violence of his weak and many-passionate soul. I thank You for all your help in serving You and Your people; I thank You for the gift of faith, for justification, for sanctification, for the pacification of my soul, confused by the excuses of passions, for boldness before You and before people, especially for the service of the Divine Liturgy and for the communion of Your most pure Body and Blood. Amen. I thank you for the people’s love for me, for trust, for respect for me, indecent, for worldwide glory, which I did not seek and did not want and now I do not seek and do not want, but I only want that Your name is glorified more and more and that Your power is more and more accomplished in my weaknesses and that Your Holy Mysteries are in me an inexhaustible source of all beneficial miracles for Your people in Russia, my dear in the fatherland, and beyond its borders, so that everyone can see with their own eyes what the Orthodox faith means, how many miracles it can perform in believers. Amen. I thank You for Your immeasurably great mercy, Lord, for the victory and trampling of my invisible enemies, who fiercely, with terrible violence, for the sake of my intemperance and voluptuousness, rose up against me on May 29 at Mass at the end, when I gave communion to a five-year-old boy, who often received communion from his friends, and he is a worthy boy, God-loving, and I was upset at the offerer and at the offerer, I despised, as if envied, his frequent communion, although I myself take communion every day. And what a great blessing is the communion of the Holy Mysteries! For my strong repentance, the Lord forgave me, giving me peace instead of confusion, space after cramped conditions, dew after fire. After the early liturgy. I thank the Lord, who broke the hellish anger in me for repentance. I'm worse than nothing. The good Lord creates everything good in me. Glory, glory, glory to His goodness. I am evil, sin, all untruth, the abyss of sin. The enemy, the ethereal villain, strengthened his grip on me with sleep and laziness during worship and raped me to the extreme, plunging me into exhaustion. On the other hand, he kicked and raped me with grief at children and adults, who were often brought or approached (the same ones) to the Holy Chalice. For my deep repentance, the Lord forgave and pacified my soul, which was extremely disturbed by such grief. They, these babies, deserve to come at least every day. And what love and zeal for God and for me kindle in them - these are true children of God! They go to church every day, always pray fervently, and leave sleep at home. We must cherish them, not despise them. And adults, like babies, are simple and gentle, and they should be treasured. These are the good warriors of Christ advancing on Belial: they increase the true followers of Christ, they are the glory of the Church. Whit Monday. I glorify the immeasurable mercy of God, which, through the prayer of secret repentance, overcomes the devil’s secret anger in me in the church of the House of Diligence against children who often bring children to the Holy Chalice (and they are honored), and outside the church, and against some adults who often want to receive communion without preparation, and these were all true lambs of Christ. I became convinced that I myself was the first and most unworthy of daily communion. I thank the Lord for his immeasurable generosity for the benefit of poor people. A beggar young man (about eighteen years old, small in stature), who persistently asked for mercy, was painfully hit with his fist twice or three times on the nose and lips in an evil spirit. Sinned; I repent and cry about my hardness of heart and greed for money, for it is because of money, which I was sorry for. I thank the Lord, who broke in me the wickedness and stubbornness of the devil, with which the evil one oppressed me while reading the prayer behind the pulpit. I thank the Lord, who humbled my wife with grief, who again began to slander me and my good spiritual children. The simple old woman Kovrigina was sent to Grand Duchess Ekaterina Mikhailovna to ask for a dacha. Oh, pillars of Hercules! 88 Crucified for me, Lord Jesus! I have not remained faithful to You for a single day, neither in thoughts, nor in feelings, nor in words, nor in deeds, nor in sight, nor in taste, nor in smell, nor in touch, nor in hearing: all thoughts, feelings, intentions, words, deeds, all feelings for every day were instruments of sin, the work of the devil. Alas for me, wretched one. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace and mercy to travel to Berlin and find grace there before all the members of the embassy. Remember, Lord, for the sake of Your name, Your mentally ill servant Countess Elisaveta (Vasilievna Orlova-Davydova, née Arsenyeva), for whose sake I was invited to Berlin. God! Grant me to remain faithful to Your law until my last breath. Intercede with me Yourself, Lord, for many passions combat me. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the most severe sorrows caused by invisible enemies during the celebration of the Liturgy on designated days due to my passions, and for the consolation of the communion of the Holy Mysteries. After early mass. My sorrows were unbearably severe during the liturgy, but for repentance and intense secret prayer, the Lord, in His mercy, delivered me from them. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from my secret sin while following my cab from the spit from the gardener Andrei Nikitin. The Lord soon accepted my secret repentance from me and had mercy on me. Glory to the Lord! When reading articles in the newspaper “Pilgrim” about Archpriest Pokrovsky (army and navy) and Metropolitan Ioanniki of Moscow, I was prejudiced and upset with them, considering everything said about them to be flattery. He repented and was pardoned by the Lord. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform baptism with peace and dignity, cordially and clearly, in two places: in the houses of Kalinin and Kulikov. After the early liturgy. How many demonic intrigues and attacks of passions have been destroyed by the Lord in me from the beginning to the end of the service! How merciful and generous is the Lord! How strong and omnipotent! How deceptive and charming is all-pernicious sin! How sinful and weak I am, damned one! Do not forsake me, my Lord, to perish with my iniquities! The spirit of anger for yesterday's intemperance in food and drink (at dinner in the Duma from the elder and in the homes of parishioners with the glory of the Church of Peter and Paul) overcame me, outraged me to the extreme during the whole mass. Reason: I saw the pious and kind old woman Alexandra Vasilievna and thought that she had come again to partake of the Holy Mysteries in a short time - to bother me and take up time - oh, senseless insolence! - whereas I later learned from her that she didn’t come for that at all, but for the sick Tyashchinova, to ask her. And so the enemy became angry with her, although I did not accept it internally and repented all the time. Here is a chimera of new and old evil demons! Oh, pathetic man that I am, that I do not have unfeigned love in my heart for everyone and always, especially for the pious! And without love, I am nothing, according to the Apostle [1 Cor. 13:1-3] and according to my feelings and consciousness. Oh, vile heart, incapable of sincere love for everyone! Oh, heart filled with pride and countless passions! Here I am against you, because you are against God and His truth and against His goodness! After early mass. Never hesitate to give the sacrament of the Holy Mysteries to infants and pious aged people or old men and women after preparation and do not be upset with them. God commands. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from hellish tightness and torment through sincere repentance and calling on His name. Oh, the devil cleverly and quickly catches me through the passions that nest within me: through pride, lust, pride and my malice! I thank the Lord for a number of infinitely great mercies that have been revealed to me these days during and after the early liturgies in church and outside church. I thank the Lord for the mercies shown to me today, July 7, both during and after the liturgy in the church of the House of Diligence, and outside the church and not during the liturgical time when performing prayers in the house of Bykov, where I came, having fallen into the wickedness of the devil, all killed by sins, confused, oppressed, darkened, disgraced. I thank the Lord for my deep heartfelt repentance, for the power of repentance and for complete deliverance from all troubles associated with unrighteous anger towards the poor. It was at twelve o'clock in the afternoon. In the evening at nine o'clock there was a destructive anger towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina and Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova; I thank the Lord for the power of repentance given to me and for my complete deliverance from hellish oppression and shame. I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercies shown to me during and after the liturgy in the church of the House of Diligence and outside the church - in the homes of parishioners and visitors, or on the road, or in other places from other cities: everywhere the Lord protected and saved me, delivering me from sins and invisible flattering enemies (in Tsarskoe Selo for two days). Love with all your heart the one guilt 89 of all - God, the one guiltless one, the one treasure, the one eternal beauty that adorns and beautifies everyone and everything, the one life of all, the one unstoppable light, the one omnipotent force, the one worldly world, the one endless sweetness. I thank the Lord for transforming my heart, which was involved in the devil’s malice against unskilled children, who are more often than others brought to the Holy and terrible Chalice, for the Lord took away this meaningful malice for my repentance and instead of confusion, crampedness and shame, gave me peace, spaciousness of heart and boldness. And how many times did the Lord deliver me from the devil after many stumblings! Glory to the Lord! Saturday. I thank the Lord for the mercies of deliverance during and during the early liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence (secret anger towards the children of poor parents who are often brought to communion). I repented deeply and received mercy. Children are churches animated by the Holy Spirit, holy children of God, Christ God lives and rests worthily in them with the Father and the Holy Spirit! And we are shameful vessels of passions and are unworthy of communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for deliverance from a long period of communion and captivity of the devil, which began with pity about the loss of (allegedly) one hundred rubles donated for the icon of the Mother of God (on the icon case). In Novoselsky’s apartment in St. Petersburg, in view of Privy Councilor Smirnov (Pobedonostsev’s assistant) and Tertius Phil. I was embarrassed and ashamed. On the way from St. Petersburg to Oranienbaum he repented, and on the ship [Oranienbaum - Kronstadt], and received many pardons. God bless! The excess of pleasure in food and sleep weakened my soul today, and I was easily caught by invisible enemies on money (I thought, did I lose a hundred rubles on the icon case for the Mother of God, and this devilish thought suppressed my soul, for which God alone should be everything, every treasure of life). I thank the Lord, my Deliverer and Savior, who saved me many times in church, in the carriage, and on the ship. I thank the Lord, who showed me a wonderful deliverance during mass and afterwards in the church and in the carriage of the Finnish railway (in Shuvalovo): I became embittered with the pockmarked boy for persistently asking for alms after he had already given them. I thank the Lord for the abyss of deliverance from hellish torment from the devil’s malice against the frequent communicant, little Mitya, and against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina. For deep repentance, the Lord saved me from the belly of hell. Children who attend every service every day and love worship can be given communion every day to grow in the love of God every day. And adults who visit the church every day can receive communion twice a week if they strongly desire it, for they are animated churches of God and God is pleased to dwell in them. May they prosper more and more in the love of God. How many experiences of obedience to the secret prayers of my repentance have You shown, Lord, today both in church and in the houses in which I served prayer services or read prayers to mothers in labor! I thank You, All-Good, All-Righteous, All-Perfect, Benevolent Master, Lord my God! So always be kind to me, whether I pray for myself or for others sincerely. Wake up! Thank you for the tears of tenderness during the liturgy. What great, Divine victories and victories over invisible adversaries You create, O Christ my God, every day, especially during the Liturgy! You overcome hell in me, you drive me out of hell. Oh, how bitter hell is! Oh, how bitter is the devil’s malice! The devil laughed terribly at me and tortured me because of the false thought that Paraskeva Kovrigina would again approach communion; with absurd envy and some kind of greed, with anger at her, he embarrassed, wounded me, put me to shame. Meanwhile, one had to rejoice that there were worthy participants in the Lord’s table, and to love such people passionately, as like-minded and zealous for the glory of God. But the Lord delivered my soul from the very jaws of Satan. Glory to Your immeasurable compassion, glory to Your invincible goodness and power, Lord! God! Your deliverances to me, a sinner, are countless today: both in church during and after services, and in houses, and while driving a droshky (in the evening after a prayer service in the house [...]), and at every time and in every place. How many times have I fallen into secret sins due to my evil nature, and You aroused me to repentance and for deep tearful repentance delivered me from my iniquities. Thank You, Most Merciful and Quick to Hear, Lord! And so deign to hear me when I pray for each and every one of Your people. Wake up! (Don’t remember my sins.) I thank You for bestowing blessed rightness of spirit, peace and joy. Thursday. I thank the Lord for my tenfold salvation in church, in homes, and on the street. Friday. God! You plucked me from the jaws of Satan many times today after mass. Oh, how terrible, unbearable, and deadly is the poison of Satan! The sin of anger towards Paraskeva Kovrigina, who grabbed my hand, although with good intentions. I became embittered because she delayed me when I was in a hurry and came out ahead of everyone (the patient). I sinned and repented. I am not an imam of love, a cursed one, and therefore I am nothing and worthy of all condemnation and torment. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who delivered me ten times over from various sinful tendencies, wounds, deaths, and instead of death, who reigned life in me through the final consumption of the Holy Gifts. Passionately touched twice the existential members of the woman and crawled with the [adulterous] movement of flesh and spirit. Let this touch and creep be cursed, and let all the members of life through which the devil seduces, corrupts and defiles the soul and body be revered and inviolable. I repent, forgive, Lord, Creator and Deliverer, who brought me from my mother’s womb through the God-created and pure door and raised me initially with the nipples of my mother’s breast and thus nourished every earthly animate creature living on earth. Carnal, hypocritical thought, especially voluptuous, excludes spiritual, holy, Divine love, therefore carnal love is a grave, mortal sin. Even the natural excessive love of parents for their children or children for their parents or anyone for their friends, benefactors [besides] God, is a sin, is idolatry: it does not allow one to love God with all the heart, with all the mind, with all the strength, and there is nothing to say about carnal love - it is vile, blind, exclusive and unworthy of man, a rational being. Directly carnal and unclean love excludes the lawful love shown by a husband to his wife, or a wife to her husband, or children to parents, or parents to children, and even produces in the heart hatred and malice towards them, for passion excludes all lawful life-giving love and is dead, devilish love. Any illegal love contains charm, falsehood, lies, through which [it] tyrannically violates the soul and the entire being of a person. Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, for Your miraculous deliverance from the jaws of the hellish serpent during and after mass in the Church of the House of Diligence, and in Krasnoye Selo in the house [...], and in the carriage on the way to Oranienbaum (tears of repentance [about voluptuousness]). Days of deliverance, salvation, spiritual triumph! Oh, Christ unceasingly triumphs in me, conquers, puts mental enemies to flight, cleanses sins, allows His truth to triumph! I thank the Lord for the great boldness with which I served a prayer service with the governor, Admiral Schwarg (on Wednesday after mass in the Assumption Church). Oh, the power of the Holy Mysteries, renewing, uplifting! Friday. And this day gives me a day of countless deliverance and salvation, raising from death to life. Glory to the Lord, Deliverer and Savior. I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercy and deliverance during mass and after it in church, then outside it. I thank the Lord for help in prayers (from Vladimir Nikolaevich Zubov and others). I thank the Lord for accepting my repentance, giving me tears of tenderness that wash away the defilement of my soul and body. I thank the Lord for help and success in prayers in Kolpino and St. Petersburg. And this day (Sunday) was the day of my repeated deliverance from the devil’s malice that rushed at me and through me. The Lord soon heard my secret cry of repentance and had mercy on me, granting me justification and peace. After mass. The common enemy caught me with pride, greed, contempt, envy of real babies and spiritual babies of age. Again the Lord showed mercy for repentance. Oh, the truth and mercy and almighty power of the Lord God Almighty! He brings me down to hell and raises me up every day: he brings me down for sinful tendencies, he raises me up for faith and repentance - and he overcomes and drives away the power of hell with His power! And today, during mass, the demonic force overcame me through fear, not allowing me to finish the prayer behind the pulpit and say leave, and suppressing and shaming me, and after mass, for intense repentance, the Lord delivered me from hellish cramped conditions and shame in the Assumption Church. Days of great deliverance and salvation by my Lord Jesus Christ from my passions and the fierce machinations of the leader of darkness and death. I regretted giving communion to the pious eight-year-old boy Mitya, who always goes to church (every day), cursed, offended at him for frequently going to confession and communion, while I should be rejoicing and teaching him the Holy Mysteries with full readiness. There would be more of these! Satan scorched me cruelly, instilling in me envy, greed, and malice towards the gentle baby in whom the Lord rests. Only intense repentance delivered me from the terrible fire of hell and brought down the dew of God’s mercy into me. And he often dared other suitable children for frequent participation. I have sinned against the Lord! I thank You, Lord, for even on this day you have been obedient, merciful and saving for me in Kronstadt and Oranienbaum ([baptism] at Molchanov’s). And today my God was for me the God of mercy and salvation and the God of miracles among the Orthodox people, who unanimously rushed in their thousands to meet me in St. Petersburg and receive God’s blessing and listen to prayers. And in the church of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called, during early mass and after it, what miracles of mercy and salvation the Lord performed in me! Glory to Thee, God the Savior, who frees me from hell! Be kind. I thank the Lord, who in these days was the God of my salvation, when the rivers came upon me, and the winds blew, and questioned the church 91 of my soul [cf. Matt. 7:27] - and did not drown or cast me down completely, for I called on the name of the Lord diligently when I was traveling to Father Konstantin Vetvenitsky in Terijoki at night and when the next day I was traveling from Teriok to the west to Raivolov, when I was attacked by ill will and envy and contempt for the Chukhonians, enriching themselves at the expense of Russia through the railway and summer resident settlements on the Finnish coast. I thank You, Lord my God, for You were God the Savior in these days, delivering me from passions and lusts and granting me success in prayer for myself and for Your many-painful and much-sorrowful people on Kamenny Island with Mr. Yakovenko ([...] a former banker) and in Tsarskoe Selo. I thank You, Lord, for the abyss of salvation revealed in me when I was in the abyss of sins. Glory to Your name and Your wonderful, all-saving, all-life-giving being. Glory to You, quick to obey and all-powerful, invincible in mercy, conquering all our malice for Your superior goodness. Glory to You, who performed the miracle of salvation with me during early mass, when I was in the death of sin and possessed from everywhere by the spirits of darkness. Glory to You, who performed the miracle of transformation and change for the good with my wife, who boldly attacked me in the evening of August 15 and in the morning before mass on August 16, and after mass expressed a desire for reconciliation. It's about the Mirnovs. I thank You, Lord, who saved me on the ship at twelve and a half (hurting my heart by female beauty) and in the carriage (Petrovsky Island) for secret repentance. Oh, blind, insane greed! Oh, insane anger! Oh, insane voluptuousness! Oh, crazy envy! These days were also days of unceasing, countless benevolence and goodness of God towards me and the greatest salvation due to the multitude and greatness of my sins (near [...], Mokhovaya Street, and on the Petersburg side of the merchant’s sick wife - he brought me far, and I was upset and embarrassed, and fell into cramped conditions, and prayed, and the Lord accepted strong and long secret repentance, and delivered, and gave peace and space, boldness and righteousness). And in the church during the liturgy and after, how many and what kind of deliverances! Glory to Thee, Lord! And our flesh is multi-passionate, transitory, perishable! How stupid, [...], greedy, evil, impatient, unclean, envious, lazy she is! What honor, happiness and bliss the Lord has given us to converse with Him in prayer, to ask, thank, praise and glorify Him, and how few want to have this happiness and bliss, shunning prayer as a painful, boring task! Oh, ingratitude! Oh, vanity! Oh, the darkness of the soul's eyes! Because of the song of Mercy, the door (supposedly [monotony] and frequent repetition of the same thing) was terribly tempted, agitated, oppressed, killed by Satan; He languished for a long time, hesitated, shrank, endured shame, and in the end he was accepted by the Lord for repentance, pardoned, and healed. Science! Just as it is necessary to breathe, it is necessary to beg the Lady for mercy. Muratova inflicted the most blatant violence on me in the carriage. God preserved; creep [was]. I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength to overcome the ethereal enemies who embarrassed and oppressed me with their anger towards the innocent singers (Sergius, a boy of eight years old, Alex. Vasilyevich from St. Petersburg) who were approaching Holy Communion. Thank you for the unfaltering and complete reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and for all the success of prayer throughout the day in many places. At night, desecration occurred from the warm clothing of the body for the night... I got up, prayed with tears... The Lord accepted... The holy icons in silver-gilded vestments were delivered to the gymnasium by me from O. A. Kirillova. I thank the Lord for countless deliverances and salvation in church during and after mass and in St. Petersburg in different houses, especially in the house where Kiseleva lives (her sick daughter came from Siberia), from the evil of the devil. I thank the Lord, who raised me from the hell of the underworld of my passions during early mass in the Assumption Church (due to grief over the prosphora of the Vladimir Church and because of my greed for perishable bread). Only the mercy of God and the omnipotence of the Lord could save me. How fierce is the devil, who kidnaps and drags souls into the depths of hell! The Lord gave tears of repentance and enlightened the eyes of my heart. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, my most merciful Deliverer and Savior and Comforter in my sorrows, who delivered me from my impatience and grief at those who called for the distance of their home from the place where they stopped. The Lord accepted my repentance and secret prayer and had mercy. These days are the days of great deliverance and salvation of the Lord during and after the early liturgies. Hell trampled and scorched me, and the Lord trampled and scorched [hell] in me and drove it away for my sincere and deep repentance in the hostile movements of my heart against those who frequently receive communion, even children, and in my greed for relatively small and large prosphora: small - trouble and great - supposedly trouble. I thank the Lord, the God of my salvation, who saved me solemnly, powerfully, graciously during and during the liturgy in the cathedral and in the church of the House of Diligence, and who destroyed the murderous, violent machinations of demons in me for my repentance, and who enlightened the eyes of my heart, darkened by passions. I thank the Lord, who has generously given me in every possible way. I thank the Lord for the Gospel presented to me from the parishioners. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from many destructive snares during and after mass and in St. Petersburg in different houses (distress at the distance and height of climbing stairs and falling away from love and the spirit of meekness). I thank the Lord, who showed His immeasurable mercies in me during the liturgies and after them in the Church of the House of Diligence and in St. Petersburg in the carriage, when I was traveling from Dr. Meyer to Glazunov at the Forestry Institute. I thank the Lord, who reconciled my wife to me after her hostility towards me because of spending the night in Strelna with the Zaitsevskys. I thank the Lord for the miracles of obedience and deliverance from the wiles of hell during and during the liturgy in the House of Diligence and in the Cathedral (due to the excessive prosphora). Leave the earth with sin and passions and have a heart of grief - there is peace and bliss. The Lord is with you - what more do you need? Isn't He enough for everything? Let He be all in all [1 Cor. 15:28]. And because of incense smoke ([extra] smoke), because of prosphora, because of all sorts of trifles, Satan fights with me with rage, because of faces also. September 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 The days of the greatest deliverance of my soul by the Lord in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg (11 and 12 in the church of Baron Nikolai Ippolitovich Vrevsky, the Lord made my insignificance into something, giving me His grace and mercy at the all-night vigil and liturgy). During early mass in the cathedral, the greatest, most disastrous temptation is satanic because of the size of the prosphora; I was embarrassed and upset to the extreme: at the great entrance I could not pronounce a single name - neither the empress, nor the heir, nor all Orthodox Christians, but, without losing faith and hope in the mercy of God, I strongly cried out to the Lord in repentance, and the Lord drove away my enemies, giving me peace, although not complete, for the remnants of demonic fire smoldered in my heart. Coming out of the church, he became very angry with the beggar and hit him with his wallet, repented - he was pardoned after embarrassment and cramped conditions; the prayer service was served calmly; again then he sinned on the street - he got angry with the beggars, repented in Coralli’s house ([...]), and again he was heard and pardoned! An abyss of mercy! Glory to You! Even until now, I, gluttonous and greedy, offend the Lord with the secret unbelief of my heart during and after communion of the Holy Mysteries, with my mind recognizing the Holy Body and Blood of God under the guise of bread and wine, and with my heart being indignant at the friability of the Holy Body or callousness and seeking in it bodily, and not spiritual (oh, horror!) saturation, or again feeling sorry for the children, often offered, or adults of the Saints Mystery, like ordinary bread, so that there is more left for you to eat! Oh, ridiculous old man! O envious, self-loving, greedy, selfish, material-loving, [evil], vain, vile, obscene! But with what triumph and constancy the Lord always conquers in me for the repentance of my old, devilish man, and how he has mercy on me, cleanses me, sanctifies me, renews me, pacifies me, adores me, emboldens me, enlightens me! Glory to the Lord about everything! How many and what kind of daily mercies of deliverance and salvation You have performed in me, Lord, during and after the service of the Liturgy - it is impossible to describe, they are so great and numerous, according to the greatness and numerousness in me of the machinations of the demonic and my internal misfortunes and falls. Thank You, abundantly merciful and generous and gracious Lord! I thank you for the success of prayer in St. Petersburg and here in Kronstadt; all good things are Yours and to the glory of Your name, Lord! I thank You, Lord, for you punished me with severe toothache and soon (ten hours later, at two o’clock in the morning) you had mercy on me and drove the bad blood into the aisle. I thank the Lord for his usual all-powerful help during the service of the liturgy in delivering me from the arrows of the enemy and from addiction to earthly things (greed), and for the good change in my soul, and for the feeling of tenderness and inner peace. Oh, God's inexpressible condescension towards people in the Sacrament of Communion! Oh, the efforts of the devil to pervert the goals and aspirations of the human soul! Oh, human addictions and passions, planted in souls by the devil! I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me through secret prayer of repentance and petition from the snares and teeth of hell, both in church and at home in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg and in the carriage. Satan tormented and frightened me because of the loose and airy prosphoras of the cathedral prosphora maker Elisaveta Yaroslavtseva. Envy and greed took possession of me: why, supposedly, is he acting shamelessly and trying to figure out why the prosphoras are so light, while they should be so, for the Body and Blood of Christ are spirit and belly, subtle and spiritual, and not fat and coarse. Not a stone, but true light bread, which does not in the least burden the taste and stomach of those who receive it. Not physical, but spiritual saturation should be in the holy Sacrament of Communion. Because of the concern for bodily bread and the satiation of the flesh, Belial turns away and alienates from God and neighbor and mortifies the soul and body, humiliates, shames, and darkens. God! I thank You for the miracles in me of Your mercy and Your almighty power during the celebration of the liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence and after the liturgy (hellish stings from demons, extremely scorching of the soul); I thank You for the success of prayer in New Peterhof, which reflected in the general spiritual delight. I thank You for the speedy hearing and deliverance from the devil’s anger towards the woman Evdokia [...] in the city shelter in Oranienbaum, where I secretly prayed to the Lord in repentance. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the unclean fire of voluptuousness by looking at the naked breasts of the maiden Rufina after secret repentance. I thank You, Lord of mercy, for Your bounty, which You have surprised me even today in delivering me from many and severe spiritual troubles during the early liturgy in the Assumption Church and then from home in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg and in granting boldness in prayer (to Countess de Lautrec de Toulouse and Prince Gagarin and others). I thank you for your unceasing kindness towards me. I thank the Lord, who saved me many times every day from demonic, tormenting, soul-killing intrigues; I thank the Lord, who mercifully accepted my repentance, and drove away the hordes of the enemy, and surrounded me, like David, with the joys of deliverance, pacification, boldness, enlightenment, sanctification. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the fierce demonic deceit and malice through the prayer of repentance in the Assumption Church at early [mass] and in the cathedral at the prayer service and after the general prayer service (Father Paul). I thank the Lord, who showed me miracles of His mercy and salvation in the Church of the House of Diligence in delivering me from the acute, deadly demonic wiles during and after mass and who gave me victory over the passions. I thank the Lord, who showed me the mercy of salvation in Oranienbaum in the apartment of the clerk Turkin Longin through a secret prayer of repentance (Vasily, who was at the station, is now a hospital watchman; an annoying, inappropriate request and my anger at him is secret and obvious). God! I thank You for countless deliverances from the passions and snares of demons and for a blessed world. For infants from five to seven years old, do not be upset for their frequent communion, but give the sacrament willingly: they are worthy, such is the Kingdom of God [Mark 10:14], in them God rests. And we are unworthy, greedy, envious, incontinent. I thank You, Lord, who surprised me with Your immeasurable kindness and quick obedience to my secret prayers (I will add, open ones), and for deliverance from my countless sins: anger, vexation, reluctance, secret contempt, impurity of heart, and for granting me justification, peace, freedom, boldness, spirit and power of prayer. I thank the Lord for tenfold deliverance from demonic intrigues and passions and for the perfect victory in His name over the ruler of the world during the early liturgy in the cathedral. I thank the Lord for the glorious victories over the invisible enemies who were at work in me, and who fought with me, and who seriously offended me during and after the liturgy and outside the liturgical time here in Kronstadt, and in the capital when visiting distant residents (impatience and chagrin). Thank you for the unfailing celebration of the liturgy. Glory to the immeasurable mercy and quick obedience of my Lord Jesus Christ, who is always at my right hand. I thank the Lord for his immeasurable mercy and prompt obedience to me in secret and open prayers and for deliverance from the evil demonic cunning. I thank the Lord for all the gifts of His mercy, spiritual and physical. I thank the Lord for your hasty obedience in my prayers, and for your sovereign deliverance from all my demonic intrigues and sins, and for your great boldness and success in prayers (in St. Petersburg with Dr. Alabov and with General Andreev in Ligovka). I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercy shown to me in Kronstadt, and in St. Petersburg, and on the ship, and in the carriage, and in the church during and after the service, and outside the church; I thank you for the cleansing of sins, and for your help, and for your hasty obedience, and for your kindness in prayer, and for your boldness before Him and before people. I thank the Lord for his immeasurable generosity in forgiving my sins through the prayer of secret repentance and for his graciousness and success in prayers in the capital and in Kronstadt. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the wiles of the enemy and for success in prayers. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over invisible, flattering and treacherous enemies and delivered me from their torment. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the hellish cramped conditions of traveling on the ship and who accepted my secret repentance in grief at the beggars. I thank the Lord for success in prayers. Visited Count Apraksin. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from the snares of the flattering destroyer of the human race, and for his obedience to my prayers, and for my salvation from corrupting passions. Glory to You, Lord, the breath of my soul, my belly. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who has shown me victorious in His name and His being over the machinations of invisible and visible enemies and my passions through secret repentance and invocation of His holy, great, wonderful, glorious, all-conquering name (during and after the liturgy, in the church and outside the church, at prayer services, on the ship and in the carriage). I thank the Lord for delivering me from hostility towards the rector, Father Pavel, who was picky towards me because of the sexton Ivan Adr. Nikitina. Come to Ovsyannikov on November 13, Tuesday, in St. Petersburg. Give, Lord! I thank the Lord for many salvations to this day on land and at sea, in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg, on a ship and in a carriage. I thank You, God, Father of generosity and all joy, for with Your wonderful mercies you always console me, and even more so on this day. [...]. I thank the Lord, who, through secret prayer of repentance, delivered me from sinful tendencies, many demonic snares and the wounding and captivity of my thoughts. I thank the quick-to-obey, abundantly merciful Lord of my belly. God! Visit today by Thy mercy Thy servant Elizabeth Durdina, who longs for Thy great mercy from Thee through me, a sinner. Wake up! God! I thank You for the abyss of miraculous healings of Your people, small and great, of every rank and condition; I thank You for the life-giving, encouraging and joyful news about them everywhere and always. I thank You, for You have glorified Your holy and wonderful name among Your people and confirmed Your faith in Your people; I thank You for the greatest disposition of Your people towards me, which is reflected everywhere. I thank the Lord for success in prayers and for repeated and rapid deliverance from the deadly networks of the enemy through secret prayer in Kronstadt and in the capital. I thank You, Lord, for countless deliverance from the arrows of the serpent and for the success in serving the all-night vigil, liturgy and prayer services and in the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in the church. I was in Kronstadt for two days and did not go to St. Petersburg. I thank the Lord for his immeasurable goodness, quick obedience and deliverance from great troubles and misfortunes through my secret prayers on land and at sea, in church and outside, in Kronstadt and in the capital, on a ship and in a carriage. I thank You, Lord, for Your Holy Mysteries and calling on Your name with all my heart with faith are always miraculous, life-giving, and saving for me. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and obedience to my prayers: at every step, wounds from invisible enemies, stumbling, suffering - and at every step, the healing of the Lord through the secret prayer of repentance, deliverance, peace, freedom, joy in deliverance, boldness, success in prayer. Oh, holy faith of Christ! How many innumerable blessings you have given and continue to give to me constantly and through me to a countless number of faithful people! How quickly, wonderfully, you bring us closer and unite us with God and bring down, delight in Him the countless mercies of resolution, cleansing of sins, sanctification of soul and body, peace, renewal, boldness, prosperity in prayers, in deeds and in all life, how wonderfully you unite all believers into one spiritual body full of God’s love! What healings you bring down on the sick, what consolations and joys on those who mourn and are depressed by the sorrows of life! What light you shed on the souls of the faithful! How you expand the circle of spiritual vision of the world and people! What delusions and passions do you deliver from! How joyful and contented you make the life of a person, even if he is poor and bears a cross without a murmur! What bodily benefits do you provide: health, contentment and abundance! It is good to live in peace with you, although we have to endure great sorrows because of you! You are God's own daughter! Today, November 14, I did not serve early mass because of the royal day. I thank the Lord for the all-merciful deliverance from Satan, who mercilessly attacks my weakness and all-passion, from his hellish torment, fire, darkness, oppression and shame, and for the granting of justification, peace, freedom, light, spiritual space and boldness. Satan attacks gentle children, cutting them off from frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries - children about whom the Lord says that such is the Kingdom of Heaven [Matthew 19:14], who are especially worthy of the communion of the Blood of God. My gullible wife, having listened to the slander of her sister and the woman sent by Muratova, brought me to bitter tears with her shameless slander and curses, countless reproaches for an hour and a half, from half past twelve to one in the morning. There is no more contemptuous and evil person, more gullible for evil, like my wife. Give her some sense, Lord. Lutherans and Anglicans do not believe in the saints and do not honor them, and thereby insult the Spirit of God, who sanctified them and rests in them, and the entire Holy Trinity, Consubstantial and Indivisible, and they despise the sacrament of the redemption of the human race by the Son of God, for the Son of God has given honorable and great gifts to human nature, according to the Apostle [2 Pet. 1:3]. I thank You, Lord, for my repeated deliverance through my secret prayer from the teeth of the lion of hell and from the constant catching of him in the church, and in homes, and in the open air, for deliverance from his absurd, vain anger towards [Dikhtev] during the all-night vigil and against some children, some men, women during prayer services in Nikolsky Lane and others. Early mass in the Assumption Church second; the first is Father Pavel Trachevsky; an evil demonic storm over Trachevsky’s arrogant bow (oh, my pride, and dislike, and pride!). I was in the fiery teeth of Belial for a long time, until I begged the Lord with tears of repentance, until I sincerely respected that which was in the image of God in Father Paul, and the grace of his priesthood, and the same in myself. Weakness is moral and physical; there is a blizzard outside, snow, storm! With what impudence Satan carries us away to destruction! How skillfully he catches our passions in his hellish nets! How depressing and tormenting the soul and body! What shame and darkness, what cramped conditions it plunges into! And if it were not for the Lord who saves us with His mercy and grace, we would have perished long, long ago! What kindness, what mercy and long-suffering appear to us every day in delivering us from our sins and from some of our destruction! Oh, hasten every Christian soul to quickly correct itself and appropriate itself to Christ God the Savior, otherwise the stranger will just take it away and, perhaps, there will be no deliverer, waiting in vain for our repentance. Father Pavel Trachevsky is very much attacked by the ethereal enemy through me, and he is like an unshakable pillar. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your grace on me and in me, a sinner, for for the sake of the prayer of faith with repentance, You brought me out of the abyss of hell and from the fiery arrows of Belial and from the enmity of my household and gave me peace and freedom of spirit, and unfailing reading and singing at Matins, and serving liturgies with great boldness, and in St. Petersburg (November 28) prayers successful about people. I thank You, Lord, for You have turned the storm into silence in my house, and anger into goodness, death into the belly, and wolves into lambs. Glory to You, who has so favored you! After the all-night vigil. I thank You, Lord, who created a sign for good within me, who transformed the secret enmity against Father Paul into love for the sake of sincere wisdom and repentance. We are all in the image of God, but we are all sinners, we are all surrounded by weakness, we all need indulgence, mercy, patience with each other through love, and prayer for each other. All the days of my life are filled with countless salvation of my weakness from Christ the Savior, filled with miracles of His mercy, quick obedience, strength, peace, joy and bliss, freedom, spiritual boldness, rebirth, renewal, confirmation, deification, miracles in me and through me in many, many believers. What will I render to the Lord for all of them? - Heartfelt thanksgiving, surprise, reverence, confession of His mercies and miracles, praise from unworthy and mortal lips and a mortal, cold heart that has not yet learned to be spiritual, heavenly, fiery. How much corruption I have in the depths of my heart, how much lack of faith, lies, pride, [voluptuousness], self-indulgence, gluttony, ambition, unfriendliness, hostility, ill will, gloating, malice, impatience, irritability, anger, laziness, absent-mindedness, [vanity], vanity, stinginess, greed, wickedness, envy, vain timidity and timidity, indulgence in one’s passions and other people whom one should reprove and admonish, how much omission of duties, how much negligence in performing divine services and the Sacraments and in giving the blessing of the Lord to believers and those who ask for it! How much cowardice, love-lovingness and favoritism, insincerity in communicating with many people and [...] the abyss of my sins! And all this multitude of sins, the grace of God covers, cleanses, sends me into the abyss of oblivion and has mercy and forgives me, renews, sanctifies, adores. Glory to the abyss of Thy mercy, surpassing in immeasurable excellence the abyss of my sins. Thus do, O Lord, to all the people who lead Thee, and hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, and Thy will be done, as it is in heaven and on earth [Matthew 6:10]. Amen. November 30. Day of the holy glorious and all-praised Apostle Andrew the First-Called. During Matins, Satan greatly offended me through my offense against the beggar, whom I pushed with vexation [...]. I begged the Lord to have mercy on me - and had the boldness to perform the entire service. Because of yesterday's gluttony, drinking wine with intemperance, today Satan terribly offended me through indignation at the prosphora-server for empty prosphora: a terrible poison poured into my soul, wounded, inflamed, embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed, killed. [I jumped up] in the altar from the devil’s inflammation. And this is after the grace-filled peace after the use of the Holy Mysteries! Do not worry about the perishing earth: do not worry about the bread... take heed [John 6:27; Matthew 16:11]. I did not give alms to the poor before Matins, which is why a terrible temptation befell me, and there was no deliverance for a very long time. By God's permission, I had to be these days during mass in a grave temptation and captivity of Satan, in the very jaws of it because of my peculiar customs and passions (I can’t stand that the altar watchman puts a lot of incense into the censer without calculation and it smokes and smokes extremely, and the incense is wasted in vain, and the cathedral is smoked). Procopius the watchman experienced great grief and therefore was abandoned by God’s grace at the most important time of the liturgy, and there was cramped conditions, and scorching fire, and shame, but the Lord accepted repentance and faith and trust in Him and delivered me from the evil one, and I received Holy Communion for salvation and with great boldness read the entire prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal. I thank the Lord for my great salvation, for all my help and strength. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the teeth of the destroyer during Matins, Mass and after it, and in St. Petersburg when visiting people living on the upper floors (tiringly), and in the carriage, and everywhere after secretly invoking His name with faith, in repentance. I was upset and grieved that for climbing to the fifth floor and for the work of prayer they did not give me anything in one place in St. Petersburg, and I could not be at peace because of this, although I secretly prayed about the sin of covetousness, and meanwhile the righteous and all-generous Lord in the next house rewarded me fivefold through one merchant’s wife. Don't complain. If not in this place, then in another place the Lord will show His bounty, but serve the poor as a gift for the Lord’s sake, for everything is His. I thank the Lord, who delivers me from all sin, as soon as it attacks and rapes me, for as soon as I pray secretly with all my heart, with all my thoughts, with all the strength of my spirit, it will bounce off me like an arrow and the ulcer will immediately be healed, my soul will be cleansed, it will be at peace, it will become free, it will become brighter, bolder, and cheerful. Do you love God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, with all your strength? Resist all sin with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, all your strength. Do all truth, all virtue (prayer, the Sacraments, almsgiving, fasting, chastity, meekness, and others) with all your heart, all your soul, all your thoughts, all your strength. Many times before and after performing prayer services in different houses, I had to get irritated either with the poor, or with those who were importunately, although piously and with a thirst for prayer, calling to pray, or somewhat carried away by the sweetness of a woman (outside the city [...]), and each time the Lord quickly, in His goodness, gave place to secret repentance and tears, had mercy, and cleansed, and pacified, and sanctified, and brought joy to my humble soul. soul. Oh, I feel above me the abyss of God’s mercies on the one hand and my greatest sinfulness on the other, my complacency, my inclination toward every sin! And then, during one prayer service at Rodionova’s, I thought biasedly about the velvet cassock - and was embarrassed and offended by Veliar. But before the next prayer service, right there above, with the artillery officer, having repented secretly with tears, he was now pardoned and served firmly, in peace. Sunday. God! Knowing the entire abyss of infirmity and sinfulness, the corruption of human nature and mercifully imagining 92 in it, except for sin, have mercy on humanity, enlighten its heartfelt eyes, blinded by countless passions, deliver it from violence, arrogance and the destruction of crafty demons, incline it to Thy truth, to faith in the Gospel and to obedience to it, teach it to create Thy holy, good, wise, gracious, perfect will and do not allow him to perish, especially enlighten Christians, enlighten, correct, confirm and save. Sunday. Satan rightly gave me a terrible blow and a fiery [section] for my idolatry of the golden calf - for the position of relying in life not on the Lord, but on the money that He gives to the tuna. The fact is that I left seventy rubles of money in the pocket of my trousers at home, going to Matins and Mass in the cathedral, and imagined that they were being trampled underfoot, that my wife would take them, and this terribly indignant and scorched me, so that I was not myself, and only the reading and singing of stichera and canons significantly revived me. After mass the money was all there. The Holy Mysteries pacified and enlightened me. I thank You, Lord, for you have greatly surprised me with Your mercy and Your generosity, Your miracles, winning over me the hearts of all Orthodox and even many non-Orthodox Christians, placing in their hearts great faith in me and the greatest trust as in Your mediator between them and You, Lord, and inspiring them to throw down their material treasures in favor of the charitable institution that You erected and generously supplied and having, by Thy grace, a future that secures it, for both the charter has been drawn up, and the means of maintenance are constantly increasing. I thank You, Lord, that You have performed many miracles of mental and physical healing in Your people, and glorified Your holy and wonderful name in them, and glorified and confirmed Your faith in them through me, Your indecent servant. I thank You, Lord, that the trust and disposition of Your people towards me is constantly increasing; grant me, O Lord, the grace to be a worthy servant of Yours and a kind, firm, and sincere mediator between You and Your people, and deign to always hear me praying both in Your strength and in the weakness of my existence, for I am strong by You, I am weak for the sake of my sin and my worldly passions, even 93 dead in me to the end and free from them manifest me, for through them Belial and the ruler of the darkness of this world is firmly advancing on me (through the sexton Damian, I had a terrible temptation from the devil, who embittered me against him, unusual, inattentive and weak in voice; barely, through sincere repentance, I got rid of the jaws of Satan). I must bear with love the weaknesses of the brethren, for I myself am weak, and correct with love, according to the Apostle [Eph.4:2; Gal.6:1]. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the fiery jaws of Belial, who tormented me. The holy fools for Christ's sake, like the saints, who rejected all worldly acquisitions, therefore laughed at the world and the world ruler, the devil and the entire demonic army, and remained unhurt. I thank the Lord, who delivered me a hundredfold from the wiles of the devil and from his scorching malice through the prayer of repentance. I thank You for constantly surrounding me with the joys of deliverance. The torment of the devil is difficult, but sweet is Your deliverance and salvation and repeated renewal from the aphids of sin, from the aphids of various passions that confuse, oppress, depress and kill our souls. Blessed are those who are pure in heart: for they will see God [Matthew 5:8]. How great is the bliss to see God, the Author of all existence, of every creature [visible] and invisible, the Source of all beauty, all sweetness, all wisdom, light, joy and bliss, all treasure, all good, all truth and holiness! This treasure of spirits and souls, the Lord is eternal, indescribably beautiful, holy, all-blessed and intoxicates those who love Him with endless bliss! Hurry to Him, all of you, redeemed from sin, curse and death by the blood of His suffering! Forsake the sin that reigns in you in every form, and appropriate yourself to Him every day through repentance, truth, faith, love and mercy. Again my wife was fiercely embarrassed and I was embarrassed because of the affection for me of those who love the Lord, whom I feed with the word of repentance, praise, thanksgiving, petition and the Body and Blood of Christ, who loved the Lord and me in Him. God! Stop the temptations of my wife, which unjustly agitate those who love me, and pacify her soul. After Vespers, when I was getting on the driver's sleigh, she got into hand-to-hand combat with those [who were] following me, running up to me (running up), and she herself lost her temper and got angry, and in the evening, at about eleven o'clock, she attacked me when I came home, and scolded me, and boasted that she had received the Holy Mysteries, that I should consider it a blessing that she was taking off my boots. The Divine Child Demetrius saw several times while I was serving the liturgy in the altar on the right side of the Angel of the Lord with a sword in his hand. (Ask how often or always? In what form? What did he do?) In my arms I hold daily the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world (the liturgy and services of the entire Orthodox Church for the whole world - what a breadth of love! What a priest should be like, praying for the whole world and making a terrible Sacrifice for the whole world! Oh, a terrible Sacrament!). Wrap yourself entirely in the grace of God, in the truth of God, so that there is no place in your soul for untruth, not for a single unrighteous thought. If you sleep in a cold room, covered with a warm blanket, and although you leave one hole in it, through which cold air passes to your body, then your whole body will be cold and a warm blanket will not protect you from the cold - so in spiritual life: if everything is good in the soul, righteous, but if one unrighteous thought penetrates the soul, the whole soul grows cold towards God. God! This day was full of Your mercies, Your deliverance from my invisible enemies and from my passions that war against me, and my heart is full of gratitude to You for turning the eyes of my heart to You, for Your hasty obedience and quick intercession and salvation. How life-giving and wonderful is Your salvation, O Lord, in the church and in the homes where I served! The devil uses all his efforts, all his intrigues and tricks every day and hour (day and night) to cool us towards God, alienate our hearts, wilden them by the most varied means (some through the theater, some through reading exclusively secular writers, some through elegant clothes and jewelry, some through money, some through wine or delicacy, some through passion for women or men), to defile the heart with passions and spoil our prayer or completely extinguish it in the soul. What should Christians do?.. Guard your heart above all else, for from it are the springs of life [Proverbs 4:23]. I thank the Lord that I have to spend almost all the time of the day in prayer and thereby avoid the darkness of sins and the vanity of life. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and power that have been revealed to me this day during Matins and especially the Liturgy through the secret prayer of my repentance, for You have repeatedly delivered me from the fiercest demonic shootings and the devil’s torment and, dead in sins, raised me up, reviving and resting me and granting victory over the invisible enemies who mercilessly insult me. Wonderful are Your works in me, which You do through the liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries: I, the weakest and worst of all, know how You strengthen me, renew the corrupt, resurrect the dead, cheer the sad with the joys of salvation. And so, Lord, save me to the end for the sake of Your name and for the sake of Your mercy, for there is no salvation for me from my works: I am filled with sin and infirmities. You have saved me so many times without number, Lord, save me and save me even to the end, so that I may glorify Your incomparable goodness and power, perfected in weaknesses. Grant me a loud voice to glorify to the end before everyone Your miracles in Your world and in me, the last of all. Sunday. Service in the Duma Assumption Church. After the bath and satiety, and even breaking the fast (I drank milk after the bath to improve the supposedly hoarse throat), and also grief and anger at the beggar woman who pestered me on the way with a request, Satan gave me a terrible hellish bath, catching me in his evil nets, placed everywhere, and throughout Matins and Mass I was enveloped and crushed by the fiery and poisonous ring of Satan. And it serves me right: I perceived it worthy. For, having something to give (money given from well-wishers), I, out of my greed, became stingy, and, instead of taking pity on the poor man and willingly giving, I spared the money itself, this dust of the earth, which was given to us by the grace of God to satisfy our earthly needs, and I became like the evil one - the devil, and not the good God [3 John 1:11], for which the Lord handed me over to Satan, yes righteously punished me, and I became a church of demons, a den of mental thieves, who terribly tormented me throughout Matins and Mass: I felt like I was on hot coals. Only sincere, persistent, deep repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries, especially their final consumption, pacified me, renewed and consoled me. May I count everything earthly as waste 95 and as rubbish, and may I hold with all my heart to one thing that is needed - Christian love, long-suffering, merciful, not envious, not irritated, not proud, enduring everything [1 Cor. 13:4-7]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sinful tendencies of my heart, through a long, relaxed sleep and sweet food. I thank the Lord, who did not allow the corrupter of our hearts to corrupt my heart and completely damage my prayer in the homes of parishioners. I thank the Lord for the call to prayer in the person of those who believe in Him and trust in Him, parishioners and non-parishioners; I thank You for the gift of prayer; Grant, Lord, always pure, sincere prayer. I thank the Lord, who has now multiplied His mercies for me in a wonderful, sovereign, quick deliverance from the fierce malice of the devil and his manifold, deadly, unbearable flattery. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness that were given to me during Matins and that cleared the stinking air of my soul and gave me peace of mind. I thank the Lord, who gave me in the evening, while moving in the fresh air in the courtyard during secret prayer, tears of tenderness that cleansed the impurity of my soul and reconciled me with the Lord. On the sixteenth I was in St. Petersburg and spent the night in Oranienbaum with a blacksmith. On the seventeenth he arrived in Kronstadt at nine o'clock in the morning after an unsuccessful crossing across the sea (the horse fell through and almost drowned); I met my wife and her sister-in-law: the wife was terribly furious that Olga N. Kiriakova, a kind, pious widow, whom she considers a dishonest woman, was riding behind me, and after mass she attacked me like an angry lioness or tigress, showered me with the most offensive, vulgar slander, and almost beat me; I endured, defended myself, remained silent - nothing helped. In the evening, at eleven o'clock until twelve, the same story with the addition of greater slander, with greater rage, truly diabolical: here she already threatened to kill me, did not give me clothes to go out into the air and freshen up from this hellish atmosphere; a struggle ensued; It ended with my sister coming and convincing her to let me out into the air. God! You see my innocence and the innocence of the widow Olga. You know how much she donated and donates to the church of trusteeship at the House of Diligence and how much she is ready to donate to the poor church in my homeland, how much good she has done for me personally - how can I not respect and love her? God! How can I solemnly, with hope, call on Your holy, exalted and glorified name, when I have such a rebellion in my house, caused by nothing? God! Enlighten and visit my slanderers with Thy righteous judgment, but protect and preserve me, Thy servant, in righteousness and peaceful dispensation, and in peace, with hope and boldness, I call upon Thy holy name always and forever. Amen. I served the Liturgy with hard mental and physical labor under acute hellish temptations due to a presentiment of my wife’s anger towards me. This day was an unhappy day for me. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to peacefully celebrate the early liturgy in the church of the House of Diligence and read and sing the canons and stichera in the cathedral in a clear and loud voice (cognac at Kostin [...]); I thank the Lord, who brought about a saving change in my wife [...]: she humbly asked for peace from me and received it, and we were both comforted, and the Lord made us a holiday, after a storm, silence and after a dark night, a bright day. I thank the Lord, who allowed my wife to slander and offend me, but I was worthily and righteously [scolded], [a sinner]. Like fierce beasts, passions attack me every day, but the Lord, the Lamb of God, takes away the sins of the world [John 1:29], [like] the meek and strong combatant David, strikes and drives them away with his goodness and immeasurable power and cleanses, sanctifies and always renews my repentant soul. I thank the Lord for my boldness in prayers and their success before Him through the grace of the life-giving Mysteries, which I received, and through abstinence. The slightest intemperance extinguishes the flame of prayer. To be with Count Ignatiev, Rostovtseva [...], with Bazilevskaya. Sunday. This day was full of God’s mercy and salvation both in the church during the service of Matins and early mass (due to the golden cross - imaginary smoke [from incense]), and in the houses of Orthodox Christians in St. Petersburg during prayers: invisible enemies of passions for the sake of my (thoughts of reward) burned, wounded, killed the soul, extinguished the spirit of prayer, and the Lord for the secret prayer of repentance delivered, purified, enlightened, pacified, consoled, strengthened again. [...]. I have experienced without number the sweetness of the truth and love of God and that He is every living treasure for my soul, and what other sweetness, what treasure, what life can I have, except the sweetness of God, the Divine treasure and the Divine life in my heart? And how is it that this inquisitive spirit, the destroyer of human souls, still catches me with its cunning and kills my soul? But, glory to God, who resurrects my soul without number after countless deaths by sin and through the power of repentance and prayer. Glory to the Lord who enlightens my soul, who dispels the darkness of demons, and the sun of righteousness that shines in me every day and hour. There are many invisible temptations and sorrows from enemies, but there is also a lot of deliverance and the joy of salvation from the Lord in church during the service of Matins and Mass, and outside the church, here and in St. Petersburg at home (with Zhemchugov and others because of greed, because it is far to travel to him, but he and his family do not value labor and wasting time and give little with wealth; [struggle] and the mercy of God). Vera Nikolaevna's Sapozhnikovs and Rostovtseva gave me great comfort... I thank the Lord. I thank the Lord for faith, great boldness and success in prayers, for the living water of the Holy Spirit flowing in the heart for the sake of sincere prayer. All earthly so-called blessings must be equal to zero, insignificance in our consciousness and heart, if we want to love God and our neighbor as ourselves, for addiction to something earthly is the cause of enmity towards God and our neighbor (food, money, clothes, faces, earthly honor, etc.). The Lord must be everything for us - sweetness, treasure, desired beauty, glory, and everything. I thank the Lord, who delivered me this day during Matins (the Council) and Mass (House of Diligence) from the subtlest, deepest, most crafty and most painful wiles of the devil through the prayer of faith and repentance. How fierce is the torment of Satan and how sweet is the deliverance of the Lord! Oh, the wickedness of the devil! Oh, the dreams of the devil! I'll be with Mr. Kachalov in about a week and a half. (At the corner of Basseynaya and Znamenskaya, passage from Basseynaya.) I thank the Lord, who usually protected me from the fierce demonic machinations during and after the reading of the Gospel at Matins and then during the liturgy. The voice is weak. During Matins, fierce demonic intrigues began in me, from which the Lord delivered me for repentance, giving me peace and great boldness and triumph of the spirit to read and sing canons and stichera; During mass in the Church of the House of Diligence, there were also strong, acute and numerous temptations and mental wounds from invisible enemies through my impatience, but the Lord delivered me from all hellish torments for His sole goodness and mercy and sent me away from the church in peace. Glory to God the Redeemer! Glory to God our Deliverer and Savior forever and ever. Amen. I thank the Lord, who rescued me many times from the wilds of Satan, in which my foot was stuck, both in the church during divine services, and outside the church when visiting the houses of parishioners, and at night at home (dreams). I thank You, Lord, for Your wonderful, all-saving mercies towards me, the passionate one, during Matins (Father Paul) and mass and after mass, for saving me from painful hostility to the Father Superior (the Lord destroyed hostility and death) and granting peace and freedom and sweet life (before reading the canons), and at mass I repeatedly delivered from the addiction to prosphora, and after mass - from the curse on Muratova and Agniy. I thank the Lord, who today has shown me His rich mercy in delivering me from the snares of demons (the boy Mitya, who comes up every day to receive the Holy Mysteries, and the woman supporting him, Mary from the mountain) and in glorifying His name in St. Petersburg and with Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna. Monday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times from the poisonous sting of the hellish serpent during Matins, early mass and after it, for invoking His name in secret in repentance. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the miracle of His salvation from the delusion of Satan and from the possession of Satan just before my arrival in the carriage with Mr. Belov, an artillery officer, to his apartment, where his sick mother lay, and for my perfect peace and spiritual freedom, and for successful prayer for the sick woman, and then for a similar deliverance in the apartment of the sick merchant Vladimir Chernokhvostov. O all-good and quick-to-obey Master, glory to You! O Physician of souls and bodies, who constantly heals, glory to Thee! O belly, glory to Thee! At Kamensky (in St. Petersburg), No. 14, Nikolskaya Street, and at [...] in Kronstadt, Korguev's house, the air in the hall is bad, smoky with tobacco, deadening the bodily organs and suppressing the soul. Regarding the cutting of loose empty bread (prosphora) after the liturgy, Satan offended me terribly, putting greed and insatiability into my heart, arousing a passionate desire for thick bread that satisfies the belly and body, which at the liturgy is absolutely unthinkable and undesirable, for the Body and Blood of the Lord is spiritual bread, cleansing and sanctifying souls, and not satiating bodies. Do not strive for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you [John 6:27]. Oh, the satanic dream that captivated, defeated and killed me, especially because of yesterday’s enjoyment of food at Kamensky’s in St. Petersburg! Enlighten the eyes of my heart, Lord Jesus, and save me from the evil Belial, who blasphemes the life-giving Mysteries and brings his absurdities into my heart with violence and impudence and thievery. After mass. Again, a most acute, fiery temptation: again my flesh, hostile to the spirit, was enraged by those living in it, again the greedy, corruptible, again cruelly perishing womb satiated my voluptuous heart, again grief over the prosphora and falling away from the spirit of love and meekness of the Gospel, again the Holy Lamb, as if not the true Lamb of God, takes away the sins of the world and mine, just because it is made from loose, airy prosphora (ungrated dough). I repented and overcame this temptation through Christ after communion. When cutting the antidorna prosphora and the simple prosphora, I noticed that they were very liquid and as if airy - I was very stung by the hellish serpent, and it was terrible [alive]; I was tormented by it for a long time, all oppressed and burning, embarrassed, mortified, disgraced; Only my faith, persistence from God and [His] immeasurable mercy overcame the malice and dream of the devil in me, and only before entering the apartment of Verkhovsky Vladimir Pavlovich, I overcame my ethereal enemies with the Lord and was healed and reconciled. Terrible is the abandonment of God and, for a short time, terrible is the torment of the devil. But how great is God’s mercy, God’s deliverance! How sweet is the peace of God! I thank the Lord, who plucked me from the clutches of the devil during and during the liturgy. I thank the Lord, who performed in me a miracle of the greatest salvation in the apartment of the merchant Timofey Filippovich Lukovitsky in St. Petersburg (wife Anna Konstantinovna): my displeasure and grief, confusion, shame, crampedness, darkness, mortification of the spirit - and from all this a quick deliverance for the intense secret prayer of repentance, the peaceful and successful service of the prayer service. In the carriage, deliverance from thoughts and poison of impurity. God! I thank You that even now You were quick to obey me and crushed in me the intrigues, cunning and power of hell both during the cathedral liturgy (the looseness of the prosphora), and then, after the end of the glorification from home, at home when displeasure flared up for smoking tobacco and for the newly adopted dog. The secret prayer of repentance and self-condemnation was soon heard, and the troubled spirit received calm and righteousness from the Source of peace. I sincerely remembered the words of the Apostle Paul: Love suffers long, is kind... does not get angry, does not think evil... [1 Cor. 13:4-5] - and for failure to fulfill it I sincerely condemned myself. From the beginning of Matins and especially mass, the machinations of the enemy, which the grace of God defeated through repentance, and in the evening the devil aroused my wife against me to scream and scold me for dinner at the Markovs. Then she came to her senses somewhat, but started quarreling again as soon as they went to bed. God! Put our lives to rest, troubled by the machinations of the evil-doing fighter. I thank You, Lord, the abyss of mercy and generosity and saving power, for deliverance from all the spiritual troubles brought upon me by the original murderer. I thank You that You have given and are still allowing us to know all the malice and all the subtle treachery of the invisible enemy and all the cruelty of his painful attacks and Your endless goodness and power, which cannot be overcome by our iniquities! I thank You for your success and boldness in calling upon Your all-holy and all-saving name in the homes of Your faithful and for their ardent disposition towards me. Wednesday. I thank You, Lord, for delivering my soul from deceit and hellish violence from invisible enemies during and after early mass in the Church of the House of Diligence and from the misfortune of drowning at sea near the Peterhof shore, where our horse and sleigh failed, although not at depth, which was the reason (and most importantly - the mercy of God) of our salvation. I was submerged and barely escaped, crawling on my belly across the thin top ice until I emerged onto solid ice; but even here, driven by a strong wind, I barely got out onto solid ice, for the water was steep, covered with light ice. How much quick obedience of God to me, how much kindness, how much deliverance, how much protection, salvation, peace of my soul! How many blessings have been given to my life! What relief from trouble at sea! Thank the Lord! I was saved by the Lord a hundred times a day! Hell attacks me firmly through my passions, often captivates me, but the Lord attacks me more firmly than it and destroys its power, although not without an intensified and strong struggle against it, assisted by God’s grace; He especially attacks me through pride, impatience, anger, bitterness, gluttony, and voluptuousness, and carnality, covetousness, or love of love, through embarrassment and fear, or fear, contemplation. You, Lord, in immeasurable abundance, eternally have in You beauty, superior to the beauty of every creature, sweetness, superior to all created sweetness, wealth that surpasses all corruptible wealth, glory that surpasses all earthly glory. May we love you, endless beauty, sweetness, wealth, eternal glory. I thank the Lord, merciful and quick to obey, for the wonderful, sovereign change of my heart from the devil’s bitterness, envy, impurity, confusion, cramped conditions and torment into goodness, righteousness, peace and space during Matins, mass and after it in the cathedral and in the church of the House of Diligence and outside the church at the entrances and exits to the houses of parishioners through the secret prayer of repentance. Every day and hour the devil strengthens with hellish cunning, malice, subtlety to liken me to himself and alienate me from God, and the Lord destroys his destructive deeds in me. Glory to the mercy and almighty power of my Lord Jesus Christ with the Father and the Holy Spirit. Who will count? 96 [Sir.1:2]. Can I count all the multitude of deliverance and salvation from being caught and wounded by invisible enemies who are constantly seeking to destroy me? Oh, how many and evil sorrows you showed me, O Lord, and, turning, you gave me life [Ps. 70:20]! With joy may I teach the life-giving Mysteries to innocent babies under seven years of age, although they often receive communion! The Lamb of God is not dependent 91 in His Flesh and Blood; and give alms with zeal, willingly, with a joyful soul, although many often approach; Do God’s work wisely, willingly, diligently. Yesterday I reacted with hostility, contempt, and cruelty to the crooked beggar who often annoyingly runs after me. I hit him in the face with my left fist, then I repented before the Lord with all my heart (in the wooden outbuilding of Kudryavtsev’s house, which is opposite our house). Thank you, Lord, for deliverance from sinful tendencies and from fierce demonic machinations during matins, mass and after mass in the church and in the homes of parishioners. I thank the Lord, who on this day surprised me with His Divine obedience and His all-saving power in delivering me from demonic hesitations, embarrassments and wounds and in granting me justification, peace, freedom, boldness, and the joy of deliverance. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from the scorching demonic intrigues (from anger at P. A. Alexandrov for inviting me to the sick person when I came to Matins [...]) and from the consequences of pride, self-indulgence, and disobedience to Christ. The Lord laid down his life for us and gave himself up to death, but we, as brethren, do not want to lay down our souls: calling to the sick brings grief and anger. Just before the Sacrament was performed, the Lord converted the deadness of the heart for the thought of worldly treasure into life for immediate repentance. At the end of the mass, the Lord again took away the poison of the serpent from my soul. When moving across the sea for repentance, the Lord transformed hellish cramped space into space when I repented of a quarrel with my wife, who was offended for visiting [...] [Muratova]. Monday. I thank You, Lord, for Thou hast granted me, victoriously over the ruler of the world, to perform Matins (reading the canons) and the Liturgy with shameless communion and stumbling-free reading to the end of the prayer behind the pulpit and the proclamation of all absolution. I thank the Lord for the word of edification and consolation and praise to the Lord before the prayer service in the slaughterhouse at Pavel Al. Maksimov and for the success of prayer there and in all homes. I thank the Lord for the joys of deliverance here, in Kronstadt, in the church and outside, and in the carriage, and in the capital in different houses and for help in prayers. All-merciful, quick-to-hear Lord, glory and thanksgiving to You from me, unworthy, for all and all Your mercies and for the [reconciliation] of my wife. I thank the Lord for a safe trip to Moscow and for the graces of His deliverance and salvation and prayer successes there (at Bolotin, [V...] the merchant and others, to the Widow's, in the Widow's and the Widow's House, to Nosov outside Moscow, at Nosov, from Nosov. Was Nosov's money received in Kronstadt?), for prayers in St. Petersburg on January 31. Sunday. I thank You, most merciful, quick to obey, all-generous, all-powerful, for deliverance from the troubles of hell, sorrows and mental illnesses in the church during and after Matins and Liturgy and after insult and irritation with the poor for frequent asking for alms. Due to the slander and machinations of the demons, I suffered a lot from greed and envy at the sight of large ordinary prosphoras, and only the grace and mercy of God saved me from hellish embarrassment, charm 97, and mortal cramped conditions, and shame. I didn’t go to St. Petersburg. I slept during the day and didn’t go to class. Late, at twelve o'clock at night, I ate roasted veal with pleasure, and during this entire early mass I was in a terrible temptation from demons, I was surrounded by hellish torment because of greed and envy, because I was jealous that the prosphora was large from those who bought it and that the prosphora bowl was defective because of me. And the prosphora for the buyer costs twenty kopecks - I didn’t take that into account. How I suffered, broke, cowered, shrank, trembled. But he received communion with hope - and was pardoned by God, reconciled; I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit and dismissed it all. Then, at the end of the mass, he was again wounded by the evil of the devil and was healed for repentance. On the way to St. Petersburg in the carriage, by faith I was delivered from cramped conditions; in St. Petersburg several times, especially with Flegontov in the Admiralty because of his dislike for Olga Miron. Upon arrival in Kronstadt and dividing alms to the beggars, [the beggars] women began to refuse to accept the ruble to share with the men, pointing out the predation of one of them, and in anger I pulled him out by the hair and threatened to break the others if they did this. I sinned through cruelty and hardness of heart and was wounded in my soul. But the Lord healed for tearful repentance following sin. Glory to the most merciful Lord, who is not defeated by our iniquities! I thank You, Lord, for deliverance from the troubles of hell that surrounded me during matins and early mass, and then for the victory over the hordes of hell that attacked me with incredible fury. I thank You, Who has placed faith and trust and love for me in the hearts of Your people and who has revealed in me and in them the glory of Your name in Your consolations to them and in the healing of many different ailments and illnesses and sorrows of the heart. I thank You for the growth and multiplication of the material wealth of the House of Diligence and for providing for its future. Hidden in our flesh and acting in an insidious and violent manner is enmity against God and our neighbor and our soul, relentlessly and cruelly pursuing the goal of forever removing our souls from God and plunging us into cruel, eternal torment in hell. See for yourself, sinful people, and be horrified and fight sin to death. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me even now from the all-evil and cruel wiles of demons during Matins and the Liturgy and after it, and who has granted me success in my prayers. Upon arrival from St. Petersburg, I was met at home by my evil slanderer - my wife: she swore for an hour and a half and she herself [demanded] that I bow to her, asking for forgiveness - for what? Don't know. She said that I was [...] the other day, that Agafye was giving money to distribute to the poor. God! I thank You for the miracles in me of Your grace, strength, obedience, [for] deliverance from the fierce snares of demons and my passions (grief, anger at the poor, insolence with the hand). I thank You for the miracles of mercy in the church during the service and after the service of Matins and Liturgy in the Assumption Church, for the miracles of deliverance in the capital from home and upon arrival home, when I was angry with the poor and gave one woman a strong poke in the face, and was wounded myself, embarrassed, repented sincerely - and was pardoned, reconciled with the Lord and my conscience. I thank You, Lord, for Your usual, countless mercies towards me, unworthy, for all deliverances from fierce demonic snares and entrapments, woundings, deaths, for deliverance from painful deaths, for all the help shown to me these days in Kronstadt, and in the capital, and in Tsarskoe Selo, for all the joys of my deliverance, for all my boldness for Your sake. What do I hear? What does my sister-in-law Anna say about me to Deacon Vladimir? Forbid her, Lord, from speaking slander and absurdities about me and disturbing the clergy and the people. And she herself often goes to circuses and theaters, and alienates her daughters from the Church and from God, and lures others into secular pleasures (Catherine the orphan). Give her reason, Lord, and firm reproof, for she ends her entire life in idleness and laziness, inflaming within herself a thirst for free wealth, in order to live even more idle and vainly, in all sorts of pleasures and to create and do inappropriate things. The first infernal onslaught was made during Matins. The reason is a half-sheet, [...] old book for recording income; the reason is the most empty, but the dark, invisible enemies do not neglect anything to harm a person, and they created a storm in me, making it impossible to perform the dismissal and the litany at the Midnight Office; Through the labor of repentance, I begged the Lord for deliverance from fierce torment - and I was at peace. Grant me, Lord, to preserve above all the most important principles of the whole law - love for one's neighbor, meekness, humility, kindness, simplicity, patience. I thank the Lord, the all-merciful helper, for all the mercies shown to me on this day while serving Him in His holy church, for deliverance from sinful tendencies and from the snares of demons through my prayer. I thank You, Lord, for You surrounded me with the constant joys of deliverance from the painful traps and fiery arrows of the evil one and gave me peace, freedom, uprightness of spirit, boldness in serving in church and in homes, for everywhere the adversary the devil catches and wounds and kills the soul. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and power, for the miracles of changing my spiritual night on a clear day, sorrow - into joy, death - into life, confusion - into peace, crampedness - into space, fire - into the dew of coldness, guilt - into righteousness, fear - into dispassion and courage at Matins and especially at the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts, when due to the excess of the allotted of incense, I was upset with the altar watchman, and the devil fiercely embarrassed and wounded me through this, and while transferring the Holy Gifts, the star on the paten swayed, and I almost dropped them on the floor, but still dropped them on the throne and became even more embarrassed, but then I immediately stood up and trusted in the Lord and received mercy and peace; I read the prayer behind the pulpit with boldness and left. After mass, the evil demons again troubled him and stung him fiercely, and again for his repentance he was pardoned by the mercy of the Lord. And how many miracles the Lord showed in me of quick obedience, mercy and salvation in the houses where I served prayer services, through a sincere prayer of repentance for my irritation, especially in Bykov’s house in the second [room] (before the prayer for an unfaithful and immoral Muscovite - a married woman who drinks). How close You are to me, Lord! How good, quick to obey, how kind! How many severe, fiery temptations - and how many and what wonderful, great deliverances from the Lord! How subtly and quickly the demons attack! How they kill the soul! How wonderfully the Lord saves! Glory to Thee, God our Savior, forever and ever! God! Save the whole world, which is filled with the charms and snares of the evil one! Deliver us from evil [Matthew 6:13]! Amen. Friday. First week of Lent. God! Who can tell the most shining miracles of Thy goodness and power and Thy salvation in me? From the depths of hell You tore me out many times today during Matins, Mass, Compline and Confession, and after it especially (at two o’clock in the morning) with a wonderful power and raised me from death to the belly. Glory to You! Saturday of the First Week of Lent. The temptation during the celebration of the early liturgy is the most severe of all for the sake of the multitude of people we allow to receive communion, and all because of the belly and bread (prosphora), because of the size of the cathedral prosphora (envy and greed); Hell crushed me because of the evil eye of my soul, although I was raked in every possible way by envy; Only in the end did the Lord make it easier, and I received life-giving communion. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I completely calmed down - glory to the victory of God, the victory of mercy! Throughout the day, the Lord repeatedly delivered me from sinful stumblings and inclinations through secret repentance and spiritual wisdom and destroyed in me the tricks and works of the devil (at Pavel Gavrilov’s prayer service for the charm of women’s faces and while driving a droshky along the streets of Ekaterininskaya and Boulevard from the sin of being angry at a poor guy and hitting him against the wall). In the evening, while walking around the courtyard, the Lord gave great sweet tenderness, with tears, during the secret reading of prayers for communion. Glory to the Lord! In order to love God with all your heart and have peace and joy, spaciousness of heart, and bliss with Him and in Him, and an eternal life, you must absolutely despise your many-passionate flesh, the world and what is in the world: wealth, luxury, gold, silver, precious stones - all the treasures, all the beauty that seduces the heart, hate malice, envy, voluptuousness. Love for the world is enmity against God. During mass, I endured an extremely difficult temptation from the spirits of evil through greed and envy: the prosphora seemed very large - those for the laity; a piece of bread in other hands seemed large, and this annoyed me, although for myself it was not large and desirable (a large prosphora). I barely begged the Lord to help me, after a long repentance and sacrifice, to overcome the ethereal enemies who fought me fiercely... At home, before going to bed at night, the Lord helped me overcome the thought of voluptuousness, and I fell asleep well. Damned me - I allowed myself to eat fish and caviar, and at night the desecration of fornication began. Leave the fish food. Help, Lord! If you [count] as rubbish everything materially beautiful in the world, sweet, precious, and you do not lust for anything, be enticed by anything, or regret anything, then will you not acquire into the eternal heritage of Christ - incomparable beauty, incomparable sweetness, incomparable treasure? He should be everything to you: life, strength, beauty, sweetness, precious utensils - everything. When you see the splendor and wealth of noble palaces, do not be surprised and do not be captivated by it, for this is vanity and will soon pass, but marvel at the true, eternal splendor of the Almighty, beginningless, great and terrible God, and serve Him alone with fear and together with boldness, boldly glorifying Him and clinging to Him alone with all your heart. Remember the terrible one who takes away the spirits of princes, who is terrible more than the kings of the earth [Ps. 75:13], and how much more? - Without number, for His greatness is immeasurable and infinite. I thank the Lord, who worked with me and in me countless miracles of deliverance and His salvation from the stumbling blocks and falls of my soul and from the countless wounds of Belial: many times (four times) in the church of St. Andrew the First-Called during Matins, many times in the church of the House of Diligence during the hours and mass, and after the Presanctified Mass, and after the use of the Holy Gifts, then during the service of prayers in Kronstadt and especially when performing prayer services in St. Petersburg in different houses (I was upset that they were calling at the wrong time to some houses, in which I did not expect to be, that the cab driver went to the wrong place: Gagarinskaya Street, and not the Gagarinskaya embankment, where Mikhail Konstantinovich Sidorov, a sick Arkhangelsk merchant). Soon the great mercy of God befell me after secret repentance and calling on the name of the Lord. Oh, the abyss of God’s mercy, immeasurable, unsearchable! Oh, our spiritual and constant weakness, the tendency to sin with inner confusion, wounding, crampedness, the inability to rebel with our own spiritual strength, without the grace and mercy of God! So are all people! How poor, weak, pitiful, damned, blind, naked we are! You are God and Lord, everything for everyone. Tuesday and Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who has been good to me these days during the service of matins (I sang and read in the cathedral) and mass in the House of Diligence and during the service in the church of Prince N.B. Yusupov in St. Petersburg on the Moika, No. 92. I served mass in embarrassment, cramped conditions and humiliation from invisible enemies (the choristers sang); took communion in embarrassment; I read the prayer behind the pulpit like a bound slave, not all of it: despondency and murmuring bound me; felt out of place. But at the end of the mass I turned to the Lord with tearful repentance and received from Him complete forgiveness and deliverance from oppression and sorrow. The Lord destroyed the works of the devil in me. No matter how much guilt the adversary brings upon me, the Lord forgives everything for repentance and invites me into His favor, for the Creator knows our weakness and the machinations of the enemy. I thank the Lord, who soon listened to me in secret repentance for the creeps of sin, and quickly destroyed the bonds of my soul, and united me again to His shrine, and gave me peace and freedom. I thank the Lord, who saves me everywhere and at all times for calling on His holy name with faith, in heartfelt repentance and always crushing the stings of demons. Three o'clock in the afternoon. After confession. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and power in me during the confession of Your people and during the machinations of demons over me. Many times the devil wounded me, killed my soul, and I, entering the altar, with faith in repentance venerated the holy throne and the One sitting on it, and He unleashed 98 all the intrigue, all the strength of the devil’s destruction and violence, all the power of accusation and death and gave me peace, freedom, life, and I returned as a fresh man to the repentant, peaceful, triumphant Lord. Our enemy is intensifying to pelt us, so to speak, with sins and guilt before God and spiritual ulcers, but a Christian, through faith, repentance and prayer, through the grace, generosity and love of mankind [of the Lord] destroys all the machinations of the devil, for the grace of God in immeasurable superiority surpasses all malice, all the machinations of the devil, drives away all his abominations and cleanses the soul from them. Glory to the Lord for this! I thank the Lord, who has surprised me even now with His immeasurable mercy and power in delivering me from immeasurable evils and the wiles of demons during and during the liturgy later in the cathedral and in St. Petersburg during prayer services; I thank the Lord for the favor of the people’s hearts towards me. The Holy Spirit is love, peace, holiness. Satan and his hordes are malice, confusion, abomination. Sunday. Third week of Lent. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the fierce stings of Belial, who stung me during mass with envy and greed (annoyance at the fact that the prosphora maker bakes large prosphora for the parishioners (but for herself, for the clergy, or for me personally, nothing, even if they are large)), killing all love for God and neighbor and all desire for the Source of life. I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance. I thank the Lord, who completely revived me after consuming the Holy Gifts. I thank the Lord, who many times (ten times or more) delivered me for my secret repentance from stumblings and falls of sin, from anger towards the poor and from seeing alien kindness. I glorify the immeasurable goodness of my Lord, who heard me a hundred times and had mercy on me both in Kronstadt, and in the capital, and in houses, and on the street, and in the church, and in the carriage, and in the houses of St. Petersburg. Oh, how close the Lord is to me! How quick to obey, how good! How powerfully he saves! What life he gives, what peace, what righteousness, what boldness, what space, what sonship! Glory to the Lord! And to us, the accursed, passionate, unfaithful, fickle, evil, proud, crafty, cowardly, fearful, voluptuous, selfish, lazy, careless, envious, greedy - shame and disgrace! (Entry of Father Pavel the rector in the income book of me, (...) Anna K.Ts. Secret anger towards her for this.) How many spiritual deaths are destroyed daily by my Sweetest Savior in me! What an abyss of salvation in my existence! How many hellish diseases and torments are destroyed in me by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ! Glory, glory, glory to You, Lord! Do this in all Your people, that is, the same thing that You do in me (wake!), for we are all flesh and blood, all sinners, all guilty of You! I heard about the attempt on the life of the sovereign from two students and a young woman (Kolesov) 99 . I thank the Lord, who delivered me a hundredfold from the enemy’s arrows and deadly poison, both during Matins and after it (midnight litanies, dismissal), and at the liturgy, and after it, and in the capital. How strong and daring I was in prayer after communion of the Holy Mysteries (in the capital) and how weakened I was after eating fish in St. Petersburg at Nikolai Adamovich Yakubovsky’s and drinking wine! How evil is intemperance! And this day was full of mercy, deliverance and God’s help from early morning until late evening: in Kronstadt, and in the capital, and in the church, and in the open air, and in homes - everywhere the saving right hand of God was with me, protecting and supporting me, and strengthening, and uplifting. On Nevsky Prospekt opposite the monument to Catherine. Thursday. Glory to You, Lord, my victory and victory over sins and the wiles of the devil, and my help in prayers and in Kronstadt, and on the road, and in the capital, and my abundant supply of all earthly blessings. I thank the Lord for my hundredfold deliverance on this day, especially during confession. Oh, the incomprehensible, inexhaustible abyss of goodness! Saturday. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the gravest wiles of hell during Matins and especially the Liturgy and after the Liturgy (because of the prosphora, because of their size: a piece in the hands of a neighbor seems large - it really does seem). It took me a lot of contrition to get rid of envy and greed and calm down during mass. Then at the end of the mass, when the people were giving communion, the girl Elizabeth kept her mouth open for a long time, and I was upset with her, and the demon of malice entered me and tormented me for a long time, until I fervently repented in secret... I thank the Lord for driving away from me painful despondency, induced by demons, regarding the consistory’s demand for a report on the reasons why I did not admonish estranged spouses due to disagreement. Sunday (beginning of the Fourth Week of Lent). I thank You, Lord, for deliverance through the prayer of faith and repentance from my many inclinations and internal stumblings, for the cleansing, pacification, expansion and righteousness of my soul. How many times in the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God during the service of matins and liturgy and after them, how many times at home in the evening, especially in the house of F.S. Gerasimov, in the house [K...] ([...] street), in Shubina’s house, at home, on the street at twelve o’clock at night! - always and everywhere you quickly hear me, Lord, and save me. Glory to Thee, Lord! Of all, the sharpest and most severe temptation happened to me today at Presanctified Mass because of the absurd singing of the self-taught Jewish sexton Nicholas; I became embittered against him involuntarily due to the action of the enemy, and he, having caught me, squeezed me with his hellish teeth, which made me extremely tormented and cowered. At the end of the mass the Lord had mercy. During Matins there was also a fiery temptation, from which I got rid of through repentance. Away with the addiction to musical tones, let me listen to the spiritual, inner music of the 100 Holy Spirit - love, meekness, humility, peace, rightness of spirit, purity of heart, patience, condescension, covering with love. Everything sensual that the enemy tempts to enmity and malice, away from me, may love remain - the only thing needed. How much God’s hasty obedience to me, a sinner, was today – both in the church of St. Apostle Andrew the First-Called, and in the church of St. Alexander Nevsky during and after the service; how many in St. Petersburg (in the carriage and in the houses) when the devil caught me through my impatience, selfishness and loveliness and grief! I praise You! Wednesday. And You marked this day for me with the mercies of Your deliverance in Peterhof, in Kronstadt. I thank You, my mercy, my deliverance, my peace, my joy, the true sweetness of my soul! Loyalty to the Lord, faithful in all His words! To the One who wants to be everything in everyone, we will betray everything, our whole belly, all our thoughts, desires, deeds, treasures! Wonderful, all-powerful, all-powerful, all-saving name of the Lord Jesus Christ! By you I have been delivered many times from the underworld of hell, into which the most evil and cruel demons had brought me through my impatience and my passions, through my dislike for my neighbor, my lack of leniency towards his weaknesses (Father Deacon Nikolai Petrovich) in the Church of the House of Diligence. And these days were full of God’s mercy and deliverance from enemies visible and invisible. In Bykov’s house on the fifteenth, a peasant, a clerk at the Kalashnikov brewery, almost crushed me in his arms - with great effort I was torn out of his hands by his people. During Matins, Presanctified Mass and after it, I was repeatedly delivered by the Lord from invisible enemies who wounded and darkened and killed my soul with their wiles. I thank You, Lord, create and transform, bring down to hell and raise up, turn the night of death into the day of life! Even today you performed miracles of mercy and power in me in the churches of Kronstadt during and after the service, sovereignly destroying the machinations of hell and the bonds and granting me deliverance, peace and freedom both [on the way] to St. Petersburg (in a carriage by sea), and in a carriage around St. Petersburg, and in the houses there, especially when Alexey Martinianovich Borisovsky confessed during his illness, consumption, bankruptcy, and I, not expecting to receive a decent reward from him for my work, immediately changed in spirit, in jealousy and zeal, losing my heartfelt disposition towards the patient because of selfishness (I sinned and then repented with tears, riding in a carriage, asking for a change of heart from selfish to loving and selfless, which I received - oh, how great and merciful the Lord is!). For the insolence of hitting me in the face with my fist in the hearts of a poor woman, the Lord punished me with hellish tightness and fire, but also had mercy for my tearful repentance during Matins. Then he pardoned me many times during and after mass. He had mercy on me when I was traveling to Oranienbaum and inwardly despised the private bailiff Savich and did not bow to him, who stood at the descent to the sea. The Lord had mercy many times in St. Petersburg during prayers. If you love those who love you... if you greet only your brothers... what gratitude do you have for that? [ Luke 6:32 ; Matthew 5:47]. I thank the Lord of mercy, generosity and love for mankind, who on this day has delivered me from sorrows and distress and spiritual wounds inflicted on me by invisible evil enemies. Secretly I called on the Lord in repentance, and He heard and saved me both in the cathedral at matins and mass, and after mass, and on the way by sea (directly to St. Petersburg with [the landowner]), and in St. Petersburg in a carriage and from home. I thank the Lord for the great trust of the people in me, which He placed in their hearts, and for the justification of their faith and hope, prayers to the Lord (as well as my faith and hope and prayer) in the signs and wonders of His power in them, the believers, and for making a name for Himself through my weakness, for His name is glorified throughout the whole earth and I am glorified with Him, the Lord, and I, unworthy and indecent... During Matins, during the reading of the Great Canon (according to the fifth canon), I only thought with passion about the precious things of my home, when I immediately lost the grace of God, with which I was blessed and delighted [until then], fire and sorrow and distress filled my soul, and barely through secret repentance I got rid of trouble. I must count everything as rubbish in order to gain Christ alone and satisfy my soul with Him [Phil.3:8]. Friday. What sharp, scorching, barely bearable temptations did the Lord allow me to experience today from evil demons, and how good and strong is the Lord, who has repeatedly driven away my invisible enemies who were tyrannizing me within me! How invincible is the power of God. And all the temptations are due to pride, self-pity, lack of love for others, because of grief towards the poor and others! Twelve o'clock at night. God's mercy is always omnipotent and victorious in me, it performs wondrous miracles in me; bodiless enemies intensify every minute to plunge me into a thousand evils, and the Lord destroys all this thousand, all this darkness of evils in an instant, cleanses all sins, surpasses everything, triumphs over all of them with His all-redeeming, all-purifying, all-forgiving iniquity truth, even from His suffering on the cross and His death for our sins. This Stone of Zion, which was built carelessly [Ps. 117:22], falls with Its weight on the invisible enemies who are constantly seeking our destruction, and destroys them, and delivers us and saves us, surprisingly, by the miracles of His mercy. So, during confession today of parishioners and visitors, from haste and indignation at their multitude and from impatience and irritation, I fell into many sins, and the devil killed my soul, and I turned with faith in repentance to Christ with secret prayer, and the Lord took away my iniquities and revived me, and I appeared again vigorous, renewed. Glory to His invincible mercy. I thank You, God of my salvation, for in these days You have created in me an abyss of miracles of salvation, snatching me from the jaws of hell many times both during and outside of service, in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg - Glory to You! - both at sea and on land, and in a carriage, and in a wagon, and in churches, and in houses. I thank the Lord for the abundance of salvation on this day due to the abundance of the destruction of my sinful and multi-passionate soul and for the abundance of my repentance. O Lord Jesus, who is near to us! What, as if God is beginningless, incomprehensible and terrible, righteous and holy, have you come so close to us, the weak and sinners?! Glory to Your mercy! I thank You, Lord, for the countless miracles of Your deliverance from the harmful consequences of my attempts to various passions and for the gift of righteousness, purity, goodness, meekness and humility, peace, freedom, boldness. Bodiless enemies ferociously catch and hurt me, either with doubts regarding the loyalty of my family, or with suspicion of the theft of charitable sums in my table, or with pride and contempt for the lowly and wretched of this world or those who are too affectionate and pleasing to me, or with inclinations toward malice, uncleanness, and so on and so forth. And the Lord delivered me from all their corruptions through faith and repentance, granting me salvation and renewal of the Holy Spirit. Sins [and corruption] with impudence, insolence and cruelty burst into the soul and body with the goal of destroying it forever, turning it away from the truth and from the face of God. Every minute everyone needs to pay attention to himself so as not to completely destroy the beauty of his soul by disfiguring it with sins. And what wonderful bliss awaits those who are attentive and patient in the fight against sin and who do the truth! Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, and what God has prepared for those who love Him has not entered into the heart of man [1 Cor. 2:9]. And this day the Lord was for me a Lamb, constantly taking away my many sins through the prayer of faith and secret repentance from morning until late evening. Glory to the Lord! I condemn myself for confessing to the people carelessly, hastily, without love for fallen, weak, sinful humanity, with self-pity, how to quickly finish, rest, rest, eat and drink. Because of the abbot (that is, I am the reason, not he), because of the boy Demetrius, who often approaches the Holy Chalice (and thank God! - let us rejoice, and not envy and be greedy and drive away), and because of the splendor of the Lamb, the devil raised a storm in me, sorrow, oppression! Oh, my greed, oh, my carnality! Oh, wickedness and subtle war of the devil against the Holy Mysteries and against our souls, constantly saved by them! But glory to the Victorious Christ, who has overcome the flattery and death of the devil and who always overcomes with His truth, His life, and His power! Because of the rolled up pieces of paper in the toilet, I became angry at the treacherous servant, old Anna. Forgive her, Lord! I forgive her for your sake. Palm Sunday. I thank the Lord for deliverance from all temptations, attempts and stumblings and failures to say prayers (at Compline with Archpriest P. P. Preobrazhensky, at the final litany I could not speak about the Holy Governing Synod and further to the end because of gluttony and sleep before Vespers and the shame of the devil). I thank the Lord for the heartfelt disposition and trust of the Russian people in me and for their sacrifices for the benefit of the poor, sent from everywhere to the House of Diligence. I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercies poured out on me, unworthy, on this day both in the church and in my homes, in delivering me from the devil’s wiles and sinful inclinations and in granting me justification, peace, freedom, and boldness. Regarding the new decree not to take money for confession. I declare to all my spiritual children: from now on you should not bring me anything as a reward for the work of confession, so that the holy work of confession is not dishonored by a monetary offering and the attention of the confessor is not divided by this offering, since there is a person, and whoever has the zeal to offer something for the work to the spiritual father, then put his mite into a common mug, and what is in it will be divided among the persons by the clergy according to rank and title, and not by work. To the abbot most of all. This is one side of the matter. The other side. Since I actually have a lot of confessors during Lent, especially visiting ones, while other priests have few, I ask all our parishioners to divide themselves as equally as possible between their confessors, so that the work is as even as possible. Further: since the money that was previously brought for confession was given partly to my family, partly to the poor, and the money brought to me not during fasting for the work of confession was all given to the poor and you know how many of them I have, then I ask those who are zealous in advance, after making a contribution to the fraternal mug, to put something into the mug for the poor at the House of Diligence, and what is given will be distributed to the poor, following the example of the apostles, at whose feet The first Christians brought their donations and who shared these donations to those in need [Acts 4:34–35]. A[nn] Konstantinovna Ts[vetkova]. Remove your dogs from my house, and I will write a letter to [E...]; do what pleases me, and I will do what pleases you. To voluntarily and willingly submit in principle to the order of the spiritual authorities about not charging money for the work of confession - [especially] this is what I should do, for the Lord is generous to me from everywhere. How good it is to be with God, leaving all worldly cares, giving yourself and your whole life to Christ our God, our Savior and Provider! Self-interest and, in general, addiction to earthly goods extremely impede piety and dry up love for God and neighbor, confuse and burden the soul and body, distract the mind in serving God, and paralyze the most holy cause of redemption and salvation of souls. May selfishness be hated, may the love of God arise and strengthen and grow in our hearts, may the grief of our hearts - the servants of God and our flock - be taken away. Great Tuesday. I endured a fierce temptation beyond measure today during Matins because of the order of the spiritual authorities not to accept money from confessors and to put it into the fraternal circle by the confessors. Hellish torment. How strong is self-interest and greed in me, hope in external means and lack of hope in God, the generous Giver of all blessings. I have been punished rightly! What poison is the serpent! What death! What a torment! What a fire! But the Lord delivered in the end. Great Wednesday. I thank You, Lord, for even now You have been for me the God of countless salvation from the cruelty of invisible enemies during and outside of worship, in church and outside through the prayer of my secret repentance. Glory to You, you are quick to help! Maundy Thursday. At the very beginning of Matins, the Lord sent me deliverance from temptation, and everything went well. During mass there was a temptation due to an excess of incense, but through secret repentance he got rid of it, became moved and cried while performing the liturgy. I thank and tenderly remember God’s countless blessings to me. He crushed two large Lambs with tenderness and tears. I received communion reverently, touchingly, but soon the spiritual serpent vomited poison into my heart, confusing, wounding and killing my soul with hypocrisy, greed and envy. I saw a nine-year-old boy (pious), often approaching communion without confession, and I saw 102 him in my wicked heart’s anger towards him, saying to him: “Why do you go to receive communion without confession”; Meanwhile, he is a kind, righteous boy, Demetrius, who always goes to matins, to mass, and even to vespers often without laziness. Isn’t this what the Kingdom of God is like [Mark 10:14]? Aren't they the ones who are more worthy than me and everyone of age to receive communion of the most pure Mysteries? And we, especially I, always unworthily partake of the Holy Mysteries: We know, Lord, that I unworthily partake of Thy most pure Body and Thy honorable Blood, and I am guilty, and I condemn myself to pit and drink 103 . Grant, then, Lord, grace with Your worthy children and to me, unworthy, to receive communion, and to me, unworthy, grant Your dignity and take away mine unworthiness. We spare drops of Blood for some out of envy and greed, and we ourselves drink half a cup, especially after the great dissolution of the participants. Oh, we are accursed, we are greedy, we are proud, envious, selfish, voluptuous! For a long time I was bound and killed by the enemy who caught me, and with great difficulty, repentance and the evangelical wisdom of Christ and the power of grace, I freed myself from him almost after communion of a thousand people. And the whole trouble turned out to be an evil dream, a chimera of the devil. Remember the words of the Lord: whoever comes to Me I will never cast out [John 6:37]. We ourselves revel in the Most Pure Blood every day, but for those who thirst for a drop, we spare a small particle due to some unworthy greed and envy, disguised as appearance, or as the reason for the unworthiness of those receiving communion, or as if they were approaching the Holy and terrible Cup of the Covenant of God as if they were just eating and drinking. This is similar to the temptation when removing particles of prosphora: there the prosphora seems either very small or large, and at both circumstances I am upset [and torn] from frustration at the action and machinations of the devil. The piece seems large in someone else’s hands, but in your own it seems quite small. Oh, ridiculous, old man! Great Heel. I thank You, Lord, for Your great deliverance from the bitter and scorching snares of demons at the beginning of Matins (I begged the Lord three or four times, touching the Holy Altar) and for the gift of peace, space, boldness and the touching reading of the twelve Gospels. I received great deliverance from the Lord in the evening during confession and during a break in it, when I was overcome by the temptation of indignation and grief at His Eminence Metropolitan Ioannikis of Moscow regarding the announcement of the decree of the Holy Synod about the non-collection of compensation by priests for the work of confession (the worker of his reward is worthy [Matthew 10:10; Luke 10:7]), as well as for admonishing the sick. it is necessary to collect collateral income 104. Give a salary - but there is no salary: we live on income. I repented of my grief and indignation at the archpastor and was pardoned. I remembered the quarrel between Korah, Dathan and Abiron [Num. 16] and I was afraid. What poison there was, the fire burning inside! And the Lord sent dew of grace. I thank the Lord for the especially favorable state of health during these great working days, especially during and after the confession of the people. The Lord gave special grace and strength, special mercy to me, a sinner. Glory to His mercy, covering my countless sins and infirmities. Holy Saturday. Cathedral liturgy. Because of the sponginess and hollowness of the upper crust of the Holy Lamb, the all-evil devil, because of my greed and hope for corruptible bread, for the corruptible food, and not for the Animal Bread of Christ, staged a crude, painful intrigue over me, supposedly that part was not the Body of Christ, and then put a blasphemy on the whole most pure [Body], although I did not want it and avoided it in every possible way, but was defeated the truth and the true Bread of life - Christ, after my long secret languor and repentance and the illumination of my heart with the rays of the truth of Christ. Lent is over. Am I any better after fasting? Do I look at life more soberly? Are you less partial to earthly things? Have you developed a taste for spiritual goods? Do I love the Lord more, more fervently, the Most Pure Mother of God, all the saints and the shrine of the Holy Spirit that rests in them? Is the flesh enslaved to the spirit? Have soul-destroying passions been eradicated? Answer these questions for yourself. Do you consider all earthly blessings, earthly treasures, wealth, beauty, glory and honor as insignificance in comparison with God and immortal souls, and all pleasant food and drinks as sleep and bitterness in comparison with incorruptible, Divine food - the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord? I thank the Lord, who has granted me to see the day of His glorious Resurrection, His Divine Pascha, typified by the Old Testament Pascha, the slaughter of a lamb. Grant me to sacrifice all the passions of the flesh for Your sake, who was slain for us by the will of the Lamb of God. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate this year’s Feast of the Resurrection. But have I been resurrected to new life? Am I not dead in sins and worldly addictions? Is my love for God and my neighbor ardent? Why am I not yet experienced in this love? The love of this world is enmity against God [James 4:4]. Every object on earth to which I have an addiction turns me away from God, makes me an enemy of God. And how many such items! Oh, how, out of love for the transitory world, which cannot give me life, I enmity myself against the eternal God, who gives life to every creature that has life! I thank the Lord, who, after my persistent secret struggle against the dreams and machinations of invisible enemies, gave me victory over them and the boldness and freedom to read the entire prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal in the Church of the House of Diligence. May the Lord confess His mercies and His miracles to me, a sinner, for He has delivered me to this day from countless demonic snares, and entrapments, and torments, and from my sinful inclinations, both in the church during early mass and after it, and outside the church in different houses while performing prayers, and upon returning home, and while walking around the yard while performing a secret prayer, which at first was was unsuccessful, and then, through secret repentance of my hostility and indignation towards my family and through the defeat of anger and hostility in me by the grace of God and with inner condescension towards them and an apology, it began to be successful, for I completely calmed down and secretly reconciled with everyone who had offended me. What miracles faith in the infinite goodness of God, in His all-redeeming grace, constantly performs in me under the condition of my own consciousness of sins and repentance for them! What joys of deliverance surround me every day and hour! How many and what kind of demonic cunning, cunning and violence are being destroyed and destroyed! Oh, my Lord, Lord, do the same as in me, in all Your people who believe in You, enlighten the eyes of their hearts, instill in them deeper faith and trust in You, arouse them to repentance, destroy in them all the cunning of the crafty, all-evil demons, destroy all their sins and passions and completely pluck out Your inheritance - Your people from the mouth of the hellish dragon seeking devour everyone and reproach Your power. You, all-powerful and all-powerful, completely crush the destructive, all-powerful, all-evil, vile power of the adversary the devil and his army like him. Sufficient for him, O Lord! God! Guard my property to the end and divide it with right measures: let nothing and no one plunder it; Let everything be turned to the benefit of people and to Your glory. Amen. As a venerable elder, grant me, O Lord, to end the days of my earthly existence. Amen. Wake up. January 12, 1890 105. The rector, Father Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky, with human weaknesses and passions, common to all people to a greater or lesser extent, has the virtues:!) common to all as a being created in the image of God, with reason, free will, with a heart capable of love and feeling, with the immortality of the soul; 2) the dignity of a Christian; 3) the dignity of a priest of God with grace to perform the Sacraments, worship, teach, knit and solve human sins; 4) the dignity of an elder; 5) the virtues of long-term service; 6) the dignity of regularity, sedateness of character, constancy and firmness in maintaining one’s high position; 7) the virtue of getting along with all subordinates. For all these virtues, he is worthy of love and respect and fervent prayer for him as an abbot, and a brother, and a co-servant, and an elder. May our sins be covered by Christian love, and may the Lord cover our sins with His immeasurable mercy. Wake up! I wrote this about the temptation and devilish excitement to dislike the rector for his greatest stinginess and love of money, hard-heartedness towards the poor, for sparing decent vestments for serving in the church and keeping them under lock and key untouched, for his slander, envy of his brother in the persecution of the brethren - priests of other churches and departments, when there is a clash between him and them in the service. May the Lord admonish him not to be shy, not to be alienated from his brothers and not to be bestial towards them. May the Lord instruct him to use the countless wealth he has collected for deeds pleasing to God and for the remembrance of his soul. Today, while traveling out of town with Parfenius [Motin], a miracle of God’s mercy occurred in me - a miracle of forgiveness of sins, enlightenment and pacification of my soul, which was previously extremely embarrassed by hostility towards Father Pavel Trachevsky, the rector of the cathedral, for his indifference, coldness and hostility towards the brethren of the cathedral and the poor people. I, remembering my shortcomings and passions, covered his sins with condescension and love as an obsequious 106 person, recognized the common scab of sin, the common illness and took pity on him, his immortal soul, like mine, overlaid with a sinful burden and sinful darkness, the jurisdiction of mine and his common Lord, who tests our hearts and entrails, - and the Lord gave me peace in His name. Lord, I thank You with all my being for deliverance from my sins and demonic snares and for your help in serving You, the Lord of my life. How many times have You delivered me from my infirmities during Matins, especially during the Liturgy, throughout its entire continuation delivering me from the attack of hell on me and giving me peace, life to my heart, strength, boldness. God! I thank You for deliverance through the secret prayer of repentance from the temptations and wounds and oppression of sinners and for the granting of spiritual righteousness, integrity, peace, boldness, freedom in different houses before prayer services and during prayer services (in the second and seventh issues, after I gave five rubles for a church in the Arkhangelsk province of Shenkursky district, and after the prayer service he gave me ten rubles); Before the prayer service, I regretted it and was embarrassed and oppressed in my soul, but through spiritual wisdom and repentance I conquered sin in the Lord, and received peace and freedom with boldness and prayed fervently, and on the street, in my yard, the Lord solemnly delivered after being wounded by the Markovs and [expletive Anna], whom he put in the police, so that [he would submit] not to blaspheme. Friday and Saturday of Bright Week. I thank the Lord, who forgave me my anger and bitterness towards one maid, who sat on the box of the carriage in which I was traveling, without asking me, and then pestered me with importunity, so that I would certainly visit the inspector of the State Bank, his sick wife. I came to Constanda worried, unable to pray, but I did not despair of my favor from the Lord and secretly prayed, and the Lord the Benefactor changed me into grace and meekness, giving me the right spirit for the sake of His all-redemptive suffering for me, peace and space of heart. I thank the Lord, who helped me all Friday and Saturday and healed my inclinations. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the thought that hurt my soul in the evening, when I walked around the yard and prayed, telling myself the rule for communion. April 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16 I thank You for all Your countless mercies poured out on me in these days, both during and outside of divine services, and while traveling to Moscow on the 14th in the evening and at night, and while staying in it (during ten o’clock in the afternoon), and while traveling from Moscow. Thank you for deliverance from death of the heart as a result of non-service of the liturgy and non-communication with the Lord in the Sacrament of Communion and for the gift of life and boldness in prayer. Thank you for deliverance from sinful inclinations and demonic wounds and arrogant demonic violence and for the gift of peace, freedom, lightness, and spiritual strength. I thank Muscovites and St. Petersburg residents for the respect and sincere affection towards me, for the gift of material benefits from them. Glory and thanksgiving to You, Lord, for everything. May the Lord confess His mercies and His miracles to me, a sinner. Yesterday and today during the liturgy (today at the Nikolaev Orphan Institute in St. Petersburg), when I was faint in spirit, I called on the Lord with a strong heartfelt cry, and He saved me quickly, gave me boldness, life, lightness, abundant tears of tenderness. Oh, how damned I am, poor, poor, blind and naked and full of cold 107! I served the entire mass at the institute with copious tears. Two institute archpriests stood during mass (remember them, Lord!). The boss visited and prayed for her married, dissolute son Alexander (he lives lawlessly with his wife’s sister); at the Islavins, at the Kraevskaya general’s wife, at Princess Urusova, at Vologina (on Panteleimonovskaya opposite the church). He served the All-Night Vigil with his sexton at Pirianova’s in a draped room (it’s hard to say in a draped room); spent the night; In the morning I met Muratov at his house and did a lot of evil dirty tricks, you satanic soul! She disgraced me with a telegram! My wife quarreled with me, and I, too, in response to absurd reproaches and reprimands, told my wife and everyone at home a lot of bitter truths, some of them untruths - they really upset me. At the all-night vigil, the Lord accepted my prayer for enlightenment, softening and pacification of the souls of my wife and sister-in-law and others, and the Lord heard and pacified me and my household. At least my wife. The others didn't show up. God be with them. I confess to the Lord His great mercies in granting today clouds with thunderstorms - thunder and lightning - and abundant long-term rain: it will fatten, warm the earth and contribute to the rapid and abundant emergence of the first seedlings of grain. Having consumed the Holy Gifts in the church of the Nicholas Institute and looking at the shiny inside [of the cup], I remembered the holy chalice in my home church of the House of Diligence and its small groove. He regretted it for a moment - and was embarrassed and wounded by the devil’s temptation; I repented of my addiction to perishable things in the confession of the only Lord, the life and treasure of my heart, and the Lord accepted repentance and had mercy on me and gave me peace. Glory to the Lord! Enlighten, Lord, the heartfelt eyes of those who are with me, for they are blinded greatly, greatly 108 by the darkness of ignorance, laziness, self-love, pride, malice, envy, jealousy, selfishness, wickedness, insane jealousy. Grow in them that which is good in Your image, and purge all that is evil, just as in me, for I too am a sinner, Lord! And may they not hinder me from doing Your work! If not, let them pass, so that Your work will not be ruined, and may those persecuted by them receive their share. God! Grant me to love You with all my heart and may I count everything earthly as droppings, as rubbish, so that in this my wisdom may appear, even from You, and the virtue of dispassion and immateriality of life, for everything passes away like smoke! Grant us to remember that the heavenly blessings there are immeasurably superior to all the present, earthly ones. Monday (myrrh-bearing women). I thank the Lord, who performed many miracles of mercy on me during Matins and early mass in the cathedral and after mass - miracles of deliverance from the arrows of the serpent and the poison of the serpent, from fear and mortification of the enemy of my soul, the granting of justification, peace, freedom, space, life and boldness. I thank the Lord for your boldness in prayers in St. Petersburg with Mrs. Golovina, with Mr. Pozemkovsky (head of railway traffic on the Warsaw Railway), with Karletedt and others. I thank the Lord for the miracle of change from the hostility and confusion that gripped me when meeting Muratova, into feelings of forgiveness and condescension, for the miracle of righteousness and peace of heart. Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you [Matthew 5:44]. Do not repay evil for evil, but good and love for evil, so that the commandment of Christ may be fulfilled. What an image of greed, what a mockery of our initially godlike nature, made by the devil and the all-mocking hell today in a dream! What an endless porridge of soaked bread he brewed for me and said: “Take it, eat it, eat it endlessly.” Who is it now in the church during the celebration of the liturgy that confuses me with greed and pursues me annoyingly and painfully? - Devil. But we must not pay attention to the bread, but avoid the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees [Matthew 16:11], striving for the inner service of God in spirit and truth [John 4:24], and remember that we are the sons of resurrection and renewal and heirs of the future immortal, spiritual life, for the Kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit [ Rom.14:17 ]! (In a dream just before the morning of April 21 at five o'clock.) And in the evening at eleven o'clock I ate scrambled eggs from three or four eggs without need, having previously been full, and a cup of milk with bread and a cup of tea without need - oh, greed! And in such years, and over so many years—thirty-two—of the priesthood! Oh, nonsense! Post and post! Abstinence and abstinence! Neglect of bodily food! All care for the soul and spiritual food! Who teaches to look, and look greedily, at young faces [...] and make them, as it were, voluptuous food for the multi-passionate flesh? - Devil. Who boldly despises ugly and old faces and makes one turn away from them? – The devil, the devil, who curses God in His creatures and even in His saints! Always expose him and do not follow his insane intentions, aspirations, inclinations, and hellish deeds, but understand and do what is pleasing to God. I thank You, Lord, for the testimonies I hear from everywhere about the power and effectiveness of my prayer for people before You and about the miracles of the signs of Your power. I thank You for the trust and desire of Your people to come to me from everywhere, so that I may pray for them. Thank you for their generous donations from everywhere! I thank You for Your miracles that surpass meaning and hearing in us who believe in You. I thank you for the everlasting victory over dreams and the machinations of demons and over pernicious and senseless passions. Thank you for your help, for justification, for peace, space, boldness of heart. I thank You, Lord, who greatly forbeared my weakness from morning until late evening, both in the church of the House of Diligence, and on the ship, and in St. Petersburg (sadness at the wanderer Anastasia, who was traveling in a cab; a heartfelt movement of voluptuousness in the carriage at the sight of a girl’s face; in the carriage in Oranienbaum, a blow to Agathia’s face; on the way, a strong push from a beggar down the hill with the evil intention of hurting). Everywhere the Lord accepted my secret repentance for the sake of His name and soon had mercy on me. I thank the Lord. I thank You, Lord, who [delivered] from the attack of hell on me in the person of Muratova and my wife, who burst out at me with poisonous anger at twelve and a half o’clock at night and for a whole hour doused me with her evil slop and reviled me with all sorts of shameful words, dragging in here my sister and her daughters, as if they were surprised at our rebellious, stormy life, while from my wife all the storm, all the rebellion. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the rebellion of the devil during early mass and after it, when I fervently called on His name, and for the perfect peace after the use of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for your boldness in performing the Sacrament of Baptism with Count Miloradovich on Gagarinskaya Embankment (father Voeikov, Nikolai Vasilyevich Kochubey, Princess Vasilchikova, Count Lamsdorf and his wife right there...). I thank the Lord for deliverance from the devil’s snare when I was riding in a carriage on the Baltic Railway (in Gromov’s house there is an imaginary ugly face and secret contempt, hurt, confusion, repentance, deliverance; at the count’s table, Princess Vasilchikova has secret passion, hurt; sincere repentance; pardon). O quick-to-obey Lord, glory to Thee, glory to Thee! I thank You, Lord, for the victory of Your grace, Your mercy over all my sins, when I secretly called on Your holy name with faith in repentance. Thank You for the gift of justification, uprightness of heart, peace, freedom and boldness. I thank You, for You are always quick to listen to me when I pray to You for myself or for others, for all Your people, although I am unworthy of Your great mercy. I thank You that through me, the indecent, Your name is glorified throughout the entire earth and the glory of Your miracles throughout the entire universe and in all [manifest] works, as God is in the new Israel, in Orthodox Russia and in Your Orthodox Church; I thank You for hearing about Your healings everywhere in Your name in all who believe in You and have trust in me, who is unworthy. I thank You, my belly, my breath, my truth, my joy! (Victory of grace in the house of Kirikov with a retired colonel [...], [...] in the apartment of Kachalov and others.) Lord! Destroy all diseases of the souls and bodies of Your people who believe in You and through my medium hope to receive healing from You, for You are the source of goodness. Amen. Morning. I thank the Lord for his constant condescension to my weaknesses for the sake of my repentance. I thank the Lord for the gifts of faith, justification, peace, freedom, boldness, and success in prayer. Who is weak in spirit like me? Who, like me, is prone to sin, confusion, shame? And the Lord delivers me from sin, embarrassment, shame and gives me the opposite. Today, from morning to evening, the Lord has been indescribably good to me in Kronstadt and in St. Petersburg: both in the church of the House of Diligence (from eight o’clock in the morning), and in St. Petersburg, and on the ship, and in the carriage, and in houses, and in the carriage, and again at home in Kronstadt, when I prayed [...] in repentance with tears. How the Lord wonderfully, life-givingly changes the face of my soul through repentance and secret prayer! I prayed secretly for my household, as weak in spirit, like me, I justified them, excused them, prayed for the forgiveness of their sins, committed against me in ignorance. Evening. Twelve o'clock. Glory to Your good obedience and Your goodness, O Lord, for You always hear me and constantly change me with gracious, wonderful changes. There is no number of such changes for every day and hour! How many wiles of Satan you destroy every day and how majestic is the triumph of Your mercy over all and all our sins! This is the present hour You have shown Your great, immeasurable mercy over me, when in repentance, with faith, with a strong cry of heart, but not lips, I cried out to You for mercy and destruction of the machinations of the enemy. My wife began to get irritated again and express her suspicions about me and slander me, and I became embarrassed and irritated and lost interest in her. But I sincerely repented after her departure, relying on God’s boundless mercy and immeasurable power, and the Lord immediately had mercy on me, and so it became easy, easy, so I came to life and rejoiced! Glory to the Lord! Sunday. I thank the Lord with all my heart for deliverance through the secret prayer of repentance from the deadly wiles of the devil, which during the early mass were caused by the clumsy, uneven, collapsed prosphora of the cathedral prosphora. How great is the greed, envy, and attachment of man to the corruptible, perishing earth and our body! What alienation from God and neighbor due to an unfulfilled belly! What oblivion of the greatest truths and mysteries of salvation! What a neglect! Truly, friendship with the world is enmity against God [James 4:4]! The Lord delivered me many times during and after mass in church. I thank the Lord for the boldness in prayers in the capital and for the people’s love for me, for the greatest respect for me, a servant of Christ. May Christ God reward all those who honor me for their faith, trust, hope, and zeal for me, a sinner! Oh, how great and wondrous You are, Christ God, in Your works, in Your people and in me, a sinner, in constantly having mercy on me, a sinner, in loosening the bonds of sin, in granting forgiveness, reconciliation, justification, peace, boldness, renewal, in attracting the hearts of the people to me! I praise and extol You, Exalted and Glorified of all creation. Do You surprise Your mercy on me, a sinner, O All-Merciful, Praised and Exalted?! In my weaknesses do You perform Your powers, Your miracles of healing? Through the money changer, the weakest, do you perform miracles of healing among your people? Monday. I thank You, Lord, for deliverance, solely by Your ineffable mercy, from the wiles of the most cruel demons because of my worldly addictions that were in me, and for the gift of peace, freedom, righteousness. I thank You, Lord, for your grace and success in prayers in the capital (with Mr. Tvorogov the merchant and others). Late evening. I thank the Lord for delivering me from acute, fierce temptations during early mass due to the unevenness of the prosphoras, and most importantly, because of my greed and envy and because of the pity of the Most Pure Blood for the frequently communed children of eight years of age - [Mitya and Natasha]. Meanwhile, the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such people [Matthew 19:14], and they, these children, constantly pray in church like adults. God! Deliver me from evil. I thank the Lord for delivering me from all temptations when consuming and using the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for success in prayers and for preliminary and consistent deliverance a hundredfold from all temptations and sinful inclinations. I thank the Lord for the trust and love of the Orthodox people in me. God! Reconcile my family who are angry with me in vain, and grant me to love them sincerely and pray for them in the same way. Remember Anna, Rufina, Elizabeth. I thank the Lord for deliverance from hell, which bitterly and fiercely attacked me during mass; I thank the Lord for renewal with the most pure Body and Blood and for success in prayers. Thank you for hearing about the healing of General Devel. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from demonic shootings during matins and mass due to the malfunction of the sexton I. Adr. Nikitin and about the empty and uneven prosphoras. I thank the Lord for my salvation both on the ship, and in the carriage, and in the carriage, and in the houses of St. Petersburg. A peasant man who saw a demon in the form of a naked man on his left shoulder [...] in church during a festive all-night vigil. Scream him. Evening. I thank the Lord, who has shown in me the signs of His mercy both this day during and during the liturgy in delivering me from the kindled arrows of the evil one, through earthly addictions strengthening to distract me from God and from the love of my neighbor and force me to do my devilish will, and in the granting of peace, righteousness, freedom and boldness. I thank the Lord, who gave me boldness in my prayers in St. Petersburg. I thank the Lord, who quickly delivered me, through a sincere prayer of repentance, from the consequences of anger at the driver, who was taken by his wife to the pier and was late to bring the horse (twelfth hour at night). I thank the Lord for the countless mercies that were revealed to me during Matins and especially mass in deliverance from the scorching arrows of the serpent and from my sinful inclinations, and for the gifts of justification, righteousness, peace, freedom, space, joy and triumph of the heart about His salvation. So save everyone, Lord, as you save me, for all are men, and every man is in vain 109. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the captivity of hell in the church and outside it and who prospered me in my prayers; I thank the Lord, who saved me from my anger against innocent people. On May 4, I visited Chief Prosecutor Konstantin P. Pobedonostsev and had the honor of praying with him and with Sabler, Pobedonostsev’s wife, with the sick aunt Sofia and others, and with all the servants. I thank the Lord, who with His usual mercy interceded with me many times during the liturgy (House of Diligence), and after the liturgy, and on the ship, and in St. Petersburg, and in the carriage (when I was going on the ship, and earlier), and on the ship from the sinful inclinations of the evil and voluptuous, and in the apartment [...], and after my wife quarreled with me out of jealousy, and I went out for a walk in the yard, and she's behind me. I thank the Lord, for he shows me in its true form the face of sin and teaches me to despise it both in myself and in others and to put up with them as worthy of pity and tears, and not the stupidest anger, the bitterness of the devil. Your mercies and blessings have multiplied upon me, O Lord, more than the number of the sand of the sea, for You delivered me a thousand times in one day from the attacks of hell on me and from my countless sins in my heart, in the movements of the flesh and spirit, in thoughts and feelings and in words and deeds, and gave me a great victory over my invisible enemies, and peace, and boldness, and joy. Glory to Thee, Lord! Thank You, Lord, for the myriad of material offerings for the benefit of the poor. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of mercy and Your almighty power performed in me during the singing of the Cherubic song, when the representative of darkness and lawlessness usually attacked me through earthly greed, putting in my heart discontent and grief at the prosphora for large (above the usual measure) prosphora and envy of the recipients of them (oh, madness!) - and this is when my whole heart, my whole soul and all people should be directed toward God, toward eternity, toward the spiritual world, toward the immortal, ageless, incorruptible Life. So, the Lord destroyed the work of the devil in me, driving away passions, planting in me peace, freedom, boldness, and spaciousness. How gratifying, joyful, solemn it was after the devil’s darkening, after the devil’s hellish oppression, shame, spiritual destruction! And how many times, both at the proskomedia, and during the rest of the liturgy, and after the liturgy, the Lord delivered me and surrounded me with the joys of deliverance, salvation, justification, peace! May the Lord confess His mercy and His miracles in me, a sinner! Let the flesh be despised, and let every care be taken for the immortal soul, for the souls of men, for their salvation! May the enmity against God that nests in all love for the world and its perishable goods be cut off! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the countless machinations of invisible enemies, who viciously hurt me during and after the liturgy, and from sinful inclinations both in Kronstadt, and in St. Petersburg, and in the carriage, and in houses, and in the carriage, and on the ship, and at home. Glory to the power of prayer and repentance and the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, who has mercy and saves those who call upon Him in repentance with a sincere heart. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the arrogant and violent, destructive attacks on my soul of the underworld, that is, Satan and his army. Thank you, O mighty Lord in battle! I thank You, most merciful Lord, for Your countless wonderful deliverances of my weakness and my repentance from the countless snares of demons and the inclinations of the flesh and spirit to sin and mortal wounds. How the Lord soon delivered me from the sorrow, despondency and tightness of spirit that happened from the loss of money - fifty rubles sent to me for the road to Moscow, when I sincerely thought about their insignificance and that the Lord is my inexhaustible treasure, my unlimited and eternal belly and everything, everything for me, and not the corruptible things of this world. God Almighty! I thank You that You have granted my weakness repentance, deliverance and correction; I thank You for the salvation of the restoration of existence, which is given to me many times every day. So now I have received from You a hundredfold great and rich mercy in the forgiveness of my sins, voluntary and involuntary, and in deliverance from the evil tendencies of my damned heart, during and after mass in church, and at home, and on the ship from Oranienbaum to Kronstadt. I thank You, Lord, for You have multiplied the greatness of Your mercies and my deliverances from hellish traps and sorrows through the secret prayer of my repentance and from my inclinations towards pride, impatience, anger, malice, uncleanness, especially 18, when, on my way to Matins, I became embittered against some poor women and men, strongly reproaching them. Both during and after the liturgy, the abyss of Your salvation was (as it always is), but my attempts and stumblings and wounds were because of the prosphora. 20 I left for Moscow at half past eight in the evening. The next day at eleven I arrived there; in the evening at nine and a half 21 left back, 22 arrived in St. Petersburg and Kronstadt. I had severe stomach upset. Muscovites greeted and saw off cordially. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from all sinful inclinations through a secret prayer of repentance. Trinity day. I thank the Lord for my constant deliverance from the enemy’s constant temptations and bitterness. During late mass, the enemy extremely relaxed the soul and body with immeasurable drowsiness, especially during the reading of the Gospel, then through the unevenness of the prosphoras (large) during the celebration of the Sacrament. The Lord gave tears of tenderness. I read the prayers at Vespers with passionate feeling. And these days were full of Thy mercy and salvation, especially during and after the liturgies; I was surrounded by the joys of deliverance from Your all-powerful right hand. Glory to You! Everything in the Mother of God is the Lord, and in the holy Angels, and in holy men - everything is in everyone [1 Cor. 15:28]. Days full of great miracles of deliverance from dark power and sins. Glory to the Lord! Because of the gentle children, because of their frequent communion, the spirit of malice terribly tempts me, secretly embittering me against them and those who bring them; only the invincible goodness of God for my repentance delivers me from his painful malice. Insane! Is it fairer for you alone to consume all the holy Blood of the Lord, with which you always dilute a lot for the sake of the adult communicants, or to teach it to unsophisticated infants, who are sanctified each time by receiving it? After all, such is the Kingdom of Heaven [Matthew 19:14], according to the word of the Lord, and their Angels in heaven always see the face of the Father...Heavenly [Matthew 18:10]! Be like them, imitating them in kindness and purity. Oh, let it be, Lord! God! Protect Joseph's granary from the predatory hands of my household and teach and punish them to be content with what is given to them in abundance from me; teach them moderation in everything, and remove them from luxury in everything, especially in the table; teach them loyalty, honesty, simplicity, humility, gratitude, and mortal memory. They think to live forever and save a lot for a rainy day, but I trust in You, Lord! You are my contentment, You are my inexhaustible and inalienable wealth, You are my inexhaustible treasure, You are the ever-flowing source of all blessings! God! May I never follow the slander and malice of the devil, who slanderes my neighbors day and night and always teaches his malice against them, but I will take out and commit to You my life and all of Your material wealth, given to me by You. You give the tuna, and you take it. Glory to You for everything. Every day on which I serve the Liturgy, what a renewal, what a resurrection of my soul the Lord of the belly accomplishes in me! But what a struggle with the spirits of evil, what ulcers from them, what violence I suffer from them and from my passions! What a sovereign, great, indescribable intercession and deliverance I see of my Master and Lord! Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank You, Lord, for the abyss of deliverance and salvation from the snares of the enemy during the service of the liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence and outside the service time, and for the renewal of my being through the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and for the boldness in prayers of the laity in St. Petersburg and Kronstadt. It is the gospel way to do this in cases that are unpleasant and sad for the old man: if something has been stolen from you—whether treasures, money, or things—don’t be sad, don’t feel sorry for them, don’t chase after them, don’t be embittered at the thieves, but be indifferent and carefree, hoping [in the Providence] of God, who constantly cares for us. Say: God gave, God also took away [Job 1:21], the Lord is my treasure and inexhaustible and inexhaustible wealth. If you have been insulted or slandered - do not persecute, do not be mutually offended, but bear it again indifferently and say: for my sins I am worth not that, but greater dishonor - and pray in the simplicity of your soul for those who have offended and slandered, so that the Lord will not punish them for their deeds and for their slander, but may He enlighten and enlighten them and have mercy and save them. So it is in everything that happens that is contrary to our pride and to the old, corruptible person. I thank the Lord for the influx of grace and help during the service of the all-night vigil and liturgy with Mr. Vrevsky and before for deliverance from sinful mortification and the wiles of demons. I thank the Lord for help in prayers and good obedience and for material pleasures. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance about the voluptuous, adulterous touching of women’s breasts and for tears about sins. May I never again touch the organs designated for nutrition, and not for seduction and sweetness. You are my sweetness, Lord, true, imperishable, eternal. (Today, June 5, I sinned: I ate some eggs and green sauce.) I thank You, Lord, for Your countless mercies in these days, revealed to me, a sinner, both in this city and in the capital during and after services in church and from home. The strength of Your mercy defeated the power of the devil’s malice and the devil’s abominations, planted in my unclean heart and plunging me into spiritual trouble. Glory to the miracles of Your most heavenly Mysteries of Your most pure Body and Blood, which always faithfully lead to You and perform in me the greatest work of redemption and salvation from my sins and from the murderer of the devil, cleansing, sanctifying, pacifying and renewing my soul. I thank the Lord for his indescribable help and deliverance from the arrows of the evil one and from the temptations of sin, especially for the gifts of the Holy Mysteries, which I partake of every day. From what malice and from what worst enemies, from what violence and torment with what superior power of goodness the Lord delivered me during and after mass in the Church of the House of Diligence and outside it, on the Oranienbaum steamship, and in a carriage, and in St. Petersburg at the Warsaw station in the basement of the road servant (distress for the inviter)! I commit this to memory for the glory of the Lord and for my edification, and remember how sinful and weak I am, how evil Satan is with his minions - demons, and how good and close the Lord is to us when we sincerely repent of our sins and wish to be appropriated to Him by truth and goodness. Glory to Thee, Lord! Deliver us forever from the evil of the devil and teach us meekness and kindness and humility. Saturday. I thank You, Lord, for the speedy hearing of my secret prayers, and deliverance from the inclinations of sinful, evil, and prodigal, and all sorts of others, and for the granting of righteousness, peace and freedom and successful prayers. Glory to You, Lord, always close to me and quick to obey, gracious and beneficial! A trip to Moscow and Pereyaslavl with sexton Nikolai Peldes. I thank the Lord, who blessed my trip with mercy and bounty. On June 19 he returned to Tsarskoye Selo, where he stayed with the Tatarinovs. Arriving at the dacha in Rambov on June 20, I visited Rusanov and had lunch. He sent me on his horses to ride through the park, in which I saw - oh, nonsense and shame! - two nieces with two young gentlemen - Shauman and Vladimir Antonov, Amazons galloping on horses, five horses in total. Tsvetkova's mother is behind. May the Lord not justify her, may the Lord soon admonish her for all the outrages, for idleness, laziness, for teaching his children to idleness and idleness and temptations, who feed (like herself) extensively on my labor bread! May they stop their idleness and stupid ideas! May they stop reading romance, immoral novels. They live - they do nothing, they don’t sew, they don’t fix things, they don’t have any serious business in their hands, and to top it all off, they don’t go to church. Woe to them! May they not be part of my inheritance. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of mercy and power in me during the liturgy, which I performed without full preparation, without being at Matins and having given myself over to gluttony the day before in Tsarskoe Selo and in Rambov at Rusanov’s. So, when I was dead with my sins, cold, powerless, bold, disgraced, then the Lord accepted my secret repentance, my faith, my sighing, seeking Him and revived the dead, redeemed the captive, set free, freed the bound, raised the dead, comforted the bold, encouraged the shamed, cheered. Wonderful are the works of Your mercy, O Lord! Wonderful are the works of rebirth and renewal of me, a sinner. Your victorious right hand has been gloriously glorified in me in the fortress: for that, Immortal, as omnipotent, the nasty passions in me and the demons that constantly slander me, erase 110 and deliver me and save me every day. How wonderful is the sacrifice of Your most pure Body and Blood, Lord, what an abyss of mercy, forgiveness, cleansing, sanctification, enlightenment, deliverance from sins and from all the snares of demons, from a thousand types of passions and spiritual deaths, from the shame and torment of sin! How wonderful, how heavenly, how divine, how life-giving is the liturgy of the Orthodox Church! (Day of the Vladimir Icon of the Mother of God.) I served the liturgy without proper preparation, did not attend the all-night vigil and allowed myself to drink wine and eat too much. But this negligence of mine had a terrible impact on me during my service. I fell into the terrible machinations of the devil, who took possession of my heart through greed and envy (why are there large prosphoras for the laity, when I choose larger ones for myself). There was no end to my torment and shame (Count Lamedorf Alexander Nikolaevich). Only the final use of the Holy Gifts completely reconciled me with God and with myself through faith and repentance. (How I shifted, shivered, how embarrassed and wounded I was!) The trusted name of God created in me a great miracle of deliverance, pacification and revival of my voluptuous soul, which had died by sin (Shlyakova). I thank You, Lord, for delivering me from the violence of the fierce ruler of the world, who attacked me during the liturgy through the womb, greed and envy, hostility to the prosphora bowl and who turned my soul away from God and from love for my neighbor. The Lord gave me tenderness and tears after the great entrance. I thank the Lord, who three times delivered me from sorrow and cramped conditions: firstly, outside the city at Sheremetyev’s dacha (anger and rage at a beggar woman), secondly, in the Kovrigins’ apartment and, thirdly, in Tsepov’s house in the apartment of Evlampia Petrovna Shlyapnikova (shutter, doors, my anger); then during confession in the evening many times. I thank the Lord for the high spiritual pleasure of His grace at the all-night vigil (or rather, the evening vigil, combined with the weekday morning) on ​​June 25, during which, as always, I read and sang in a clear, powerful voice, coming from the depths of a heart purified by grace. Glory to our joys, even from God, in the house of prayer. I thank You, Lord, for in these days You were constantly my Savior and Deliverer, when I called on You, and You kept me sailing along the vast lakes of Ladoga and Onega and along the fast rivers Neva and Svir, and You preserved my house and everything in it. After the early liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence. I thank You, Lord, that You have renewed me again, worn out by sins and from long non-service to You in the church rite (four days), renewed and strengthened my soul and body through the service of Matins and Liturgy and the communion of Your Holy Mysteries. I thank You for once again granting me grace and strength before the Grand Duchess during conversation and prayer with her and over her daughter-in-law Elisaveta Mavrikievna. I thank You, for You quickly delivered me many times over from the tendencies of the sinful mind, heart and will and bestowed justification, cleansing, sanctification, enlightenment and peace of mind with boldness and space of the soul. Every passion, every sin hourly intensifies to invade the heart of a person in order to cool him towards God and everything holy, to alienate him from God, to produce in the soul a neglect of God, of the spiritual salvation of oneself and others - in a word, the intention of sin, or the devil, towards a person is the most insidious, destructive. Therefore, man, hate every kind of sin, every sinful thought with all your soul, in order to love God and the human soul and its eternal salvation, the law of God, the saving will of God. I thank You, Lord, who delivered me from the mortal violence of greed and addiction to food, in particular to the size of prosphoras, as well as to the smallness of their shape, while the Lord Himself is my life-giving Bread, imperishable and leading to incorruption. I thank the Lord for delivering me on the ship from the clever inclination 111 to voluptuousness and for giving peace, freedom, boldness in prayer to Mr. General Ovsyankin in Lesnoy (Katysheva’s wife nee). Twelve at night. Thank You, Lord, for deliverance through faith and for the sake of inner repentance from the deadly, unclean thought. Glory to Your all-holy, all-saving name. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me, killed by my sins. This was especially true during the liturgy on July 4 in the Church of the House of Diligence and on July 5 in the Assumption Church, and outside the service in Kronstadt, and on the way on a ship, in a carriage, in houses, in the open air. There is no number of God’s mercies, no number of God’s hasty obedience to me, His kindness, His goodness, His justification, revival, and pacification of me, a sinner. What a wonderful, sharp sword is faith in the Lord, a sword that cuts through all the vegetation of my sins and passions! The Orthodox Church every day in its prayers, hymns, litanies calls upon and glorifies the Most Holy Virgin Mother of God according to her heritage, but the Lutherans - heretics, iconoclasts and [...] do not have this in any of their church services. Isn't this wonderful? Isn't this wild? Isn't this ridiculous? But whoever does not honor the Mother does not honor the Son. May those who do not honor the Ever-Virgin Mother of God be cursed! Let us not say to rejoice at them. I thank You, Lord, that You surrounded me with the faith and trust of Your people in Your grace given to me, and You quickly heal their serious and intractable ailments for their single faith in You and trust in me, and You inspire them with heartfelt gratitude and trust in me after healing, and You grant abundant material sacrifices for their healing. Glory and thanksgiving to You for everything. Accept mine, and more than Yours, as an offering for everyone and for everything in Your church, so that Your name may be glorified again and again among people. Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for Your powers that were revealed in me during the service of the early liturgy, which I served for the first time upon returning from a trip to Moscow and beyond Moscow to the lakes of Kolomna district. Heartlessly powerless in the fight against passions, I secretly cried out to You and was saved. I thank the Lord for all kindness [during the journey], in the life of the mind and heart and will, in deliverance from sinful tendencies, in prayers, in people’s good will towards me, in their gifts to me. How precious, Lord, is Your grace given to me! Through her I became famous throughout the world and acquired not for myself, but for You, material benefits, and with them I can do good to Your churches and charitable institutions; Through her I became dear and dear to all the pious. God! Satan embraces me with his cunning and impudence, arms me with unrighteous anger against gentle children and wants me not to often allow them to partake of the Holy Mysteries - but who is more worthy of them? Not me, not any other adult, especially not me, and yet I receive communion every day. Do you feel sorry for the substance of the Blood of the Lord? But the Lamb of God never dies. I am indignant and upset at those who offer communion! But we should thank them for making the teaching of the Holy Mysteries easier out of no other motive than their kindness. God! How cunning is the spiritual serpent! How it immediately confuses, embitters, and wounds in an instant! Deliver from him, O all-merciful Lord, all Orthodox and non-Orthodox Christians! Yesterday’s gluttony and satiety harmed me terribly, weakened me, killed me in soul and body! May God grant you to maintain strict abstinence in everything! Intemperance is followed by malice, self-love, pride, envy, laziness, fornication, disobedience, and contemplation. I thank the Lord for the great victory over the wiles of Satan in me. Today I sent money by mail for the construction of a church in Sura – [...]. Twelve hours to twenty minutes on July 13th. I thank the Lord for the victory now won, after a great struggle, over voluptuousness, thoughts and lusts that [violently] rushed towards him. This is the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ. Thank you for the victory and peace in the midst of confusion and cramped conditions. Monday. I thank the Lord for the immeasurable goodness and condescension towards me, shown in delivering my weakness and my thinness from the onslaught of the passions of anger, envy, greed during the liturgy, and for erasing all the wiles of the devil, all my sins. My food is Christ alone, and my drink is He alone; Why do I hunger and thirst for other food and drink? And my robe is one - Christ, and my life is one - Christ, and my sweetness is one - Christ, and my treasure is one - Christ, and my incorruptible, infinite beauty is one - Christ, and my strength is one - Christ, and my fragrance is one - Christ with the Father and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Am I using the members that God gave me for life as instruments of death? It won't happen! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the Liturgy and be renewed by the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank him who cleanses all my iniquity and erases all the plantings and affirmations of hell in me. I thank the Lord who appropriates me to His holiness and removes what is alien from me and alienates sin from the Lord. Sunday. I commend to sacred memory the mercy, and strength, and intercession, and salvation of the Lord Jesus Christ for me during my early liturgy, which I celebrated without serving the all-night vigil and, therefore, with little preparation for it. While serving, I felt my immeasurable spiritual weakness and earthly passion; My soul was bound by the bonds of earthly addictions and corruption; I stood unworthily in a holy place - at the throne of God, in this earthly heaven, where heavenly and terrible Mysteries are performed. God! You saw and I know how damned I was, poor, poor, blind and naked, powerless, disgraced, dead in soul! And You, bowing down to my intensified spiritual secret cry, now came to my aid, protected, delivered me from the obsession of earthly, passionate corruption, girded me with strength, tranquility, gave light to my eyes, life to my soul. I became different. And how many times did this happen! And after mass, at which I stole the prayer behind the pulpit and absolution through the violence of the devil and through this I was again killed by the enemy, You again heard the secret, intensified cry of my soul and delivered me with Your mercy. I thank and praise You! I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and Your power in me, revealed in me during the celebration of the Liturgy. You have exchanged my unfaithfulness for fidelity, fleshiness for spirituality, earthliness for heavenliness, death for belly, lies for truth, darkness for light, untruth for Thy truth, [...], alienation for appropriation, weakness for strength, confusion for peace, crampedness for spiritual space, sadness for joy, shame for boldness, cowardice for generosity. Wonderful are Your works in me, O Lord! Wednesday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and omnipotence performed in me through faith and my secret repentance during the service of the early liturgy and afterwards during the confession of the communicants of the Holy Mysteries. Thursday. I thank You, most merciful Lord, for the sovereign, all-merciful eradication of my sinful tendencies in the church during Matins and early liturgy, in the carriage, upon disembarking from the steamer (Brusov), then with the owner of the Arcadia in Novaya Derevnya, in the carriage and on the Kronstadt steamer many times. Your faith is wonderful and saving, O Lord, always; wonderful are Your works, O Lord, every day. Glory to You, our wonderful Savior! Save the entire human race, driven by a passion for all kinds of sins. Enlighten everyone, O true Light, Christ our God, and remove Your considerable 112 flock from delusion, delight it from the mental wolf that mercilessly destroys Your heritage. Amen. I thank the Lord for his all-powerful help during the ministry and for deliverance from the snares of demons and sinful tendencies. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and strength in me in delivering me from the stifling fusion of the worldly and the actions of worldly lusts and for renewing my entire being with the Most Pure Mysteries. I thank the Lord for the speedy deliverance from the confusion and cramped conditions in Mrs. Sapozhnikova’s apartment in St. Petersburg (do not take away a word from the word of God [Jer. 26:2]: or whoever is man of you... [Matthew 7:9] I missed when reading the Gospel for fear of the demonic). How many deliverances, how many erasings of sins have been accomplished in me by the Lord through the grace of the Holy Spirit for secret repentance after secret attempts! But make my steps in Your paths, so that my steps may not move [Ps. 16:5]! I thank You, Lord, for the sovereign, all-powerful erasure of all my sins for the sake of the prayer of repentance, first in the cathedral in the morning during the morning service (hostility towards the metropolitan and the rector - a decree of the Spiritual Consistory), and then at early mass and especially at the end and after it, when I confessed the laity, then in Pavlovsk (a look at the four female stucco [graces], temptation and desecration, secret repentance, purification, pacification and boldness of the heart), then in the carriage of the Baltic Railway and finally on a trip with Parfeny Andreevich (erasing the resentment towards Muratova). Pay attention: the Church, with the Head Christ God and members heavenly and earthly, triumphant (triumph) and militant. This is an omnipotent power, that is, the Church headed by Christ and its triumphant members. We, the militant Church, are strong, omnipotent through Christ and the intercession of the Mother of God, Angels and saints. Amen. I thank You, Lord Lord, wonderful in mercy and power, for your sovereign deliverance from the torment of the spirits of malice who tormented me for my anger and irritation with the woman who stopped my path at the Baltic Railway station when I was hurrying to the carriage (two minutes remained before the bell rang at ten o’clock). I struggled for a long time and raked myself in the name of Christ from sin, and finally the Lord drove it out. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy during the celebration of the liturgy in the House of Diligence, after it, and then during the confession of the laity. I thank the Lord for the haste in my prayers for the people, for my boldness, for the unfailing nature of saying prayers, for the sweetness of prayer and life-giving quality. How many travails of God are in me, which by His grace have erased my sins, my passions, the inclinations and stumblings of my feet! I thank, I thank the Lord my God Jesus Christ. During mass, after mass, all day long! How sinful I am, how weak! How tenacious and active sin is in me! Alas for me, a sinner, a cursed one! How many struggles, how many deliverances of God are in me during and outside of worship! I thank You, Lord my God, my sanctuary, my peace, my true sweetness! How much hasty obedience, how much erasing of sins I have seen today from my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, both during and outside the service, both in Kronstadt and in St. Petersburg (near Milos, near the Church of the Entry, especially near the New Athos Church and at Konstantin Platonovich Platonov). Thanks and glory to the Lord. The devil inhales hostility, or at least coldness, neglect, and ignorance, not only toward the powers that be and to other spiritual and temporal authorities, not only to parents and to various benefactors, but also to the Most Holy Theotokos, and to the holy men of God, and to the holy Angels, and to the Trinitarian Godhead Himself. It is difficult to serve the Liturgy without proper preparation, that is, without attending Matins: the soul is not ready, hardened by sweets and sleep, weak, infirm, dead. Although grace ultimately overcomes all infirmities and renews and enlivens soul and body. I thank the Lord for the trust and disposition of the people’s hearts towards me. I thank the Lord for boldness, faith and hope in my prayers and for hearing my unworthy prayers. How much deliverance from the Master, how much the eradication of fierce sins and the machinations of demons both in the cathedral and in the church of the House of Diligence, and on the ship, and in the carriage, and in houses, and in the railway carriage by secretly invoking the name of the Lord! What goodness, what quick obedience, what invincible power of God’s goodness! What a wonderful power, always victorious, repelling every power of evil, corruption, death! Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee! And during Matins and Mass, and after Mass, there is no end to the attacks of evil and Divine deliverances. What a wonderful miracle happened in Yaroslavl! From the stone on which the ancient image of the Savior was carved, blood has now flowed from its impact (oh, a new and wondrous incarnation in stone!). How venerable should be the icons of the Lord and saints! And how palpably the honor given to the image ascends to the Primordial! Wednesday. I offer you my heartfelt thanksgiving, my Lord, for the countless erasing of my falls into sin and the machinations of the demons in me, both in the church of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called at Matins (Father Paul), and in the church of the House of Diligence (malice and greed - small prosphoras), and outside the church on the street after the Mirnovs (wounds of voluptuousness). I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercy upon me in delivering me from the snares of demons and my passions. On August 14, during mass, a grave temptation occurred, which caused my strong anger and embitterment: the altar watchman Vasily spilled a lamp on the antimension, staining it. I suffered a lot of worries and sorrows. The Lord overcame my sins with His mercy when I repented and secretly justified the guilty one, and blamed myself for anger, recklessness, lack of leniency and impatience, for failure to preserve love and peace. Saturday. After the all-night vigil and a walk outside the city on horseback, he drank too much beer and ate smoked whitefish with pleasure, and at night adulterous desecration occurred. Having awakened, he prayed to the most merciful and most pure Lord. I sinned by not fasting properly during the Dormition Fast. Prepare a speech for August 16 at the gymnasium. I thank the Lord, who through the secret prayer of repentance destroyed the fierce machinations of demons and the passions of my heart. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly, countlessly revived me, killed by sins, bound me, loosed me, spread me in the cramped conditions of what was once hell, pacified the troubled, enlightened the darkened, emboldened me, made me bold, strengthened the weak, destroyed and erased the wickedness and malice of the devil in me and blissfully overshadowed all. who gave it to me through the wiles of the enemy. Glory to the only Savior and Conqueror God. God! Conquer and sovereignly conquer the sins and passions in all Your people and teach them to believe in You, call on You, repent to You, thank You (Tsvetkova and children, their life is a subject of confusion, grief; betraying them to God and praying for them and for their wife; greed in grief for the smallness of the prosphora, their shapes; punishment from God, pardon for repentance). Against the Bread of Life with the bread that perishes, the enemy fights mightily against me, captivating me with greed and envy. How many mercies of God, how much erasing of sin by grace! How much strength and boldness there is in prayers! Glory to Thee, glorious forever! I thank the Lord for the repeated erasing of my sins and the machinations of demons both in Kronstadt and in the capital, on land and sea, for success in prayers and for the disposition of His people towards me, unworthy, and their trust in me. I thank the Lord for the abyss of salvation in the church and outside it, in every place. At six o'clock in the evening I dined on cabbage soup with meat from the Commercial Club with great appetite, which is why at night a desecration occurred in a dream. Immediately stood up and cleansed himself with prayer! He sinned against the Lord through his greed and intemperance. Don't eat meat. I thank the Lord, who saved me from sin and placed a barrier. Who and what will I prefer to Your love, Lord? Who is more kind, more beautiful, sweeter, more faithful, more vital, firmer, more peaceful, more powerful, richer, brighter than You? Nobody and nothing. I thank the Lord for the miracles of [quick] deliverance and salvation from the invisible enemies fighting me and the sinful encroachments of my many-passionate flesh and for the haste in my prayers, public and private, at home among different families. How wonderful is Your goodness, O Lord, and Your intercession. God! I thank You for Your hasty obedience and sovereign protection and deliverance from invisible enemies and from the encroachment of my sinful, multi-passionate flesh, for boldness in prayer in church and at home, for spiritual peace, space, freedom, boldness. Glory to Thee, my Belly! Give me, Lord, the grace to be faithful to You in everything and to keep intact within myself the guarantee of the immeasurable love of Your love for me - Your Holy Mysteries and the guarantee of the Spirit It is a sin to hate and reject Your Saint to the end. God! How can I thank You for Your immeasurably great mercies towards me, for Your sovereign power trampling upon the mortal power that attacked me with extreme force, for erasing all the machinations of the enemy that acted in me, and for the granting of deliverance, peace, freedom and boldness? May Your power be glorified, O Lord, forever and ever from me, a sinner. Thank you for your boldness in prayers in church and at home. And before this, do not forsake me, O Lord, by Thy mercy. Wake up! Remember, Lord, all who have fellowship with me in prayer. I thank You, Lord, my wondrous and quick obedient, Deliverer and Savior and all-powerful Helper in my prayers and the wonderful Performer. God! I thank You for a thousand deliveries from the claws of disembodied enemies through my secret prayer. Thank you, all-good and all-powerful power! I thank You, Lord, for the victory by Your grace and power and mercy of all the devil’s machinations and the tendencies of the sinful heart and will. I thank [...] You, Lord, for the immeasurably great miracles in me of Your mercy and power during my service of the liturgies, when passions, like animals, [attacked] me and removed my heart from You and killed me, the accursed one. You then quickly came to my aid, seeing my sincere repentance and appeal to Your goodness. He served in the cathedral without attending the all-night vigil. The Lord performed great powers of mercy and salvation in me, saving me a hundredfold from great spiritual troubles. Tears of tenderness during the liturgy are abundant, and there is great boldness. In the evening he became very angry with some beggars, beat them, he also beat the envious, jealous and insolent Nadezhda - and he himself became embarrassed, wounded, and died spiritually. But glory to the long-suffering of the Lord! He gave me repentance, accepted it and had mercy on me, giving me peace and boldness. I thank You, Lord, for the great miracles of Your power and mercy, performed in me through the prayer of faith and repentance, both in the Church of the Holy Apostle Andrew during Matins, and in the Church of the House of Diligence, and outside the Church, and in Kronstadt, and in the capital in different houses (grief and falling away from love in Christ (dirty in the house or very high, on the fourth and fifth floors)). I thank You, Lord, for this day, full of miracles of Your goodness and power in me, a sinner. These days were full of indescribable miracles in me of the mercy and power of God in delivering my weakness and thinness from the acute, poisonous, burning temptations of the enemy through the womb and the flesh in general. The miraculous elimination of all the devil’s wiles was accomplished in me in these days by the omnipotent grace of God. Glory to Your mercy, glory to Your power, O Lord my God! I thank You, Lord my God, for all the miracles of Your almighty mercy and power, revealed from early morning until late evening in Kronstadt and in the capital, and for the boldness and strength in my prayers for Your sick and sorrowing people. Glory to You, quick to obey, gentle, all-powerful! God! I thank You for the great miracles of Your mercy, quick obedience and power, performed in me, a sinner, during Matins and especially during the Liturgy, when I was extremely indignant and offended by the watchman Procopius, who allowed a strong eruption of smoke from the altar oven into the church! But how many mercies You showed me both on the ship, and in the capital, and in the carriage! You gave me the word of prayer to write on the ship and pronounce it before a meeting of learned people (editorial office of the new newspaper "North"). You saved me from all kinds of sins. Glory to You! I thank You, Lord, the abyss of mercy and generosity and omnipotent power, for delivering me from all my troubles and sorrows for the sake of heartfelt, deep repentance and invoking Your all-saving name in the church and in houses in Kronstadt, on the ship, and in the carriage, and in houses in the capital (Predtechenskaya Street and in the house near the Lithuanian market near Puzyrev, a woman with jaw disease - I was upset due to the distance of the ends, he was confused, died in soul and came to life and became bold through repentance). I thank the Lord for your assistance in prayers and for your boldness. I thank the Lord, who has placed the hearts of the people towards me everywhere, so that everywhere I find ready, loving hearts. I thank the Lord for putting strong desires into my prayers and for giving me dreams to see (Countess Lanskaya). I thank the Lord for all the miracles of His mercy to me and to people. I constantly sin in that I fall away from love for God and my neighbor and fall into self-love, self-indulgence, complacency, selfishness, carnality, self-will, humiliation and condemnation of others, coldness and contempt even for higher authorities, secretly or openly, in upsetting words (while one should only be upset with oneself, malicious and uncorrected, and not on others). I thank You, Lord, for all Your mercy and for all Your saving, cleansing, justifying, sanctifying, enlightening, pacifying, delightful, affirming powers that You have acted in me and on this day of my life. Glory to Thee, my sweet and glorious belly! Glory to You, my strength, my glory, my unceasing miracle. Glory to Thee, [truth], all-conquering lies and slander and blasphemy of the devil! Glory to Thee, all faithful enlightener and comforter! Glory to Thee, the commoner of those who are separated in souls and bodies, rank and condition, place and time, by Thy Holy Spirit! (The Church of heaven and earth and the underworld is a common union in the liturgy.) Glory to Thee, who awakens in the faithful the spirit of repentance and tenderness! Glory to Thee, all-seeing, all-powerful, all-good, all-righteous, all-powerful, all-embracing power! Glory to You, Lord, strengthening us in the fight against evil, enlightening and illuminating, affirming, conquering and for victory with Your grace and power rewarding us with peace, joy, honor and glory both here and in heaven, and to the faithful who struggle to the end with eternal life and incorruptibility and granting participation with all the Angels and saints in Your eternal glory! I thank You, Lord, for the countless miracles of Your salvation on this day in every place. Amen. How many evil, vicious inclinations are in the heart of the old man, what swiftness towards sin, what violence of sin and passions! And how much saving power of God is in the heart of a sinner who repents, believes, and trusts in God’s mercy! How many miracles of God, every day, every hour, happen invisibly in a sinner man, in his soul - miracles of mercy, endless love for a fallen creature seeking rebellion and correction! Oh, the abyss of God’s mercy and long-suffering towards me, a sinner! Oh, the abyss of purification and salvation, the abyss of pardon, the abyss of light, peace, contentment, boldness, glory! For God is constantly glorified in me, a damned sinner, and glorifies me with Himself, who has known His mercy and long-suffering, and makes me an instrument of His mercy to others like me. (He reproached a beggar woman in the morning, giving a ruble with annoyance; he was upset at the small prosphora, that is, at the prosphora for allegedly profiteering.) Meanwhile, the Lord Himself is my constant food and miraculously nourishes the soul, and with Him everything bodily will always be added and not taken away. Yesterday, in the apartment of the bookseller Ignatius Lukyanovich Tuzov, having taken the children's alphabet and seeing the signature of the priest M. Sokolov, he was stung by envy and disdain for the author, as an upstart and a projector, and died in soul, whereas he should have rejoiced at this good work and the desire to benefit children. How much evil and ugliness there is in the old man! How absurd! And the fear of the devil, where one should not be afraid, but dare, and the false shame of the cross, pious customs, rituals, fasts and other things, and gloating and malice, and lustful aspirations and greed, greed, selfishness, covetousness, and pride, contempt, impatience, laziness, negligence about the fulfillment of sacred duty and disrespect for persons in power, for the reason their homeliness or obstinacy or whatever it may be! The abyss of evil in man. Your Most Pure Mysteries, Lord, are always all-sufficient for the cleansing of all sinful filth, for the sanctification of soul and body, and for deification, and for the performance of sincere prayer through its signs and wonders. Wonderful is the power of Your Divine Mysteries, Lord! Sincere prayer is almighty when performing and after performing and receiving communion. Glory to You, Lord, always, now and ever, in Your life-giving Mysteries: for their sake, wondrous miracles happened in me and in countless people! May you be glorified forever, O Lord, in everyone and everything. I thank You, Lord, for all Your mercies, powers and signs that were revealed in me solemnly and life-giving during Matins, and throughout it, and at the beginning of the Liturgy, and throughout its entire continuation, and at the end. I thank you for the spirit of zeal and delight with which I sang and read the Sunday stichera and canons in the choir, for the tears of tenderness during the liturgy, for the happiness of seeing all the people embraced by the grace of the Holy Spirit during and after all services, their unanimous desire for me with love and trust as members of the one body of the Church of God. I thank the Lord for the boldness and success in prayers in St. Petersburg with General Ilyashevich and in others, and in Tsarskoe Selo with the doctor’s wife at the request of Princess Imereti. Monday. I will sing and sing Your powers in me [Ps.56:8], Lord, from early morning until late evening and night, the power of mercy, deliverance and salvation in churches - the cathedral and the House of Diligence, in the carriage from anger at [...], in the capital (great boldness and sincerity in prayers (Zezerin)), again in the carriage and on the ship [...]. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy, cleansing, healing, peace, boldness in prayers that constantly performed in me in the capital, in Oranienbaum and Kronstadt (I spent the night in Oranienbaum due to bad weather at Melnikova’s). Akathist in the Cathedral of the Intercession, at M. O. Britnev’s prayer service. I thank the Lord for the affection of the hearts of the people towards me and for their love for me, for their thirst for prayer, for their trust in me. Your mercy towards us is indescribable, O Lord our God! Thank You, Lord, for all the countless victories over sins and passions. God! Dry up the sources of passions in us. Thank you, Lord, for your obedience to the word of reproof of the officer, the rifleman of the company N. M. Kachenovsky in Oranienbaum; Subdue, O Lord, all sinners, correct and lift them above the passions, just as you lift me above them. Amen. Wake up! Most Holy Lord, glory to You in Your eternal holiness. Hallowed be Thy name in all of us. Amen. Have mercy on us, for it is Yours to be merciful and to save. Save, save, save! God! There is no end to the number and majesty of Your benefits, mercies and generosity to me, a sinner. Today from what many temptations and arrows of evil spirits and deadly poison You delivered me through the secret prayer of repentance! And how inclined my heart is to sin, Lord! How unfaithful I still am to You, not confirmed in virtue, prone to sin and fall! God! Establish me in Thy holiness and righteousness! Teach to despise the sweetness of sin in every form. Teach to love everything that is holy and eternal, and to despise what is transitory - the flesh and everything that flatters the flesh. Friendship with the world is enmity against God [James 4:4]. I thank You, innumerable in mercy, Lord, for Your countless mercies and powers that work miraculously in me every day, as today, while standing and reading with the singing of Matins in the cathedral and while serving the Liturgy in the House of Diligence and while performing prayer services in the capital. I thank You for your heartfelt trust and respect with love everywhere and everyone in me. O rich and abundant Lord in mercy! What a sea of ​​kindness towards me, a sinner, you have poured into the hearts of Orthodox people! How strong and effective are Your life-giving Mysteries in me, Lord! For for their sake [...] everyone so passionately loves, respects, trusts me, prays with me, receives healing. Early mass in the Duma Church of the Neustroyevs. I thank the Lord for the countless mercies and powers of deliverance, transforming my heart from evil into good during the liturgy and after it. During prayer and after prayer for the Holy Synod and Metropolitan Isidore - a cooling and petrification of the heart, hostility and some kind of contempt for the Holy Synod itself because of the first member - Metropolitan Isidore, who always received me (four or five times in thirty years) disdainfully, derogatory, menacingly, without any condescension for my weaknesses, captiously, persecutory. However, this is what I stand for because of my sins, because of my pride and because of the many praises, glory and love of the Orthodox for me, so that I do not become proud, and pride is a satanic, disastrous sin. This reception of the ruler, according to the vision and permission of God, is a lesson and medicine for me; and the elder metropolitan has such a character that he often receives everyone, even bishops, harshly and abusively. You need to pray for him earnestly and be forgiving of his senile weaknesses. After all, he does not harm me, he does not persecute me. And how the pagans persecuted the first Christians, with what malice, cruelty, tyranny, and they, Christians, endured, loved the persecutors, prayed for them, defeating evil with good. And grant me, Lord, to overcome all evil with goodness and love, forbearance, patience, and blessing those who hate and offend. And the Lord miraculously changes my heart through prayer with the secret of repentance regarding Isidore (and P. Trachevsky) and regarding the youth Demetrius, who often approaches the Holy Mysteries, for which I am secretly indignant at him and, as it were, jealous, envy (greed!). And how many Holy Mysteries always remain after the communicants until even bodily satiation! Oh, how evil we are, according to the word of the Lord [Luke 11:13]! And how good the Lord is always to us! We see this constantly. Grant me, Lord, constant kindness and deep goodwill towards everyone, and completely eradicate the devil’s malice in me. I thank You, Lord, for Your powers, which were revealed in me on this Sunday during the service of Matins and Liturgy in the cathedral (especially during the Liturgy), many times in delivering me from the deadly snares of the devil and my passions. Full of miracles of mercy, deliverance and generosity. [...]. Thursday. This day was full of miracles of God’s mercy towards me from early morning until late evening; especially during mass, the Lord constantly delivered me from my invisible enemies, who attacked me through my passions, and strengthened my weakness, reflecting from my soul worldly passions, especially emotional ones, healing the ulcers of the soul and strengthening me with His grace in His highest service, bestowing abundant tears of tenderness. Glory to the Lord, who continually has mercy on me. Glory to His generosity to me in His people, who confidentially wrote to me many letters of insurance, both recently and before. I will have mercy even if I have mercy, and I will show compassion if I have mercy, says the Lord [Rom. 9:15]. This word has been and is being fulfilled for me. Friday. The day, full of my sins (greed, impatience, anger and rage: locked doors in the church, my stole and prayer book, the shortness of time before the departure of the ship, despair, abandonment in Kronstadt), was full of the great and rich mercy of God; For repentance, the Lord forgave my sins, drove away spiritual death, which I languished with all the time I drove to the spit and back (for a whole hour). In the cathedral he was granted mercy at the holy throne of grace. Glory to the Lord, inexhaustible and invincible in His mercy towards me, a sinner, as in everything. The days are full of falls, but also of constant deliverance and salvation from the Lord, both in Kronstadt, and at sea, and in the capital, and on the railway, and in churches, and outside them. I will sing and sing of God’s immeasurable mercy towards me and in me, His righteousness and judgment. The heart leaves our hands due to our sinful corruption: we do not control ourselves, but another often controls us - an alien spirit that alienates us in every possible way from God and from each other, that is, from sincere love for each other. And these days are full of miracles of Your mercy and power in me, a sinner, from early morning until late evening. I thank You, Most merciful, for You have continually delivered me from bitter hell, drawn to hell. I thank You, who destroys the passions of my heart and implants dispassion in me. I thank the Lord, who has given me these days, filled with the wonders of His grace and power in me, a sinner; I thank you for the cleansing of my sins, voluntary and involuntary, for the tears of tenderness, sweet and cleansing and victorious, that drowned my ethereal enemies; thank you for the word of edification on the day of memory of St. John of Rila; I thank you for the zeal of the people towards me, inexpressible in my language; I thank you for the material gifts brought from different places and from different persons. Cut off completely the inclinations of sin in me, O Lord, with the knife of Thy grace, so that the charming sin does not lurk in me in any way. Hey, amen. My true sweetness, my delight, and deliver me from bitter passions. I thank the Lord for the countless salvation of my insignificance from countless falls and my evils from morning to evening, in the church and outside it. The day is full of falls and grave wounds from the devil, but at the same time great miracles of God’s mercy towards me. The Lord, through the secret prayer of my repentance, destroyed all the machinations and strongholds of the enemy, destroyed despondency and sinful death in me, especially in the apartment of Alexander Lvovich Bubnov before the christening, and granted grace to solemnly perform the holy Sacrament, great and heavenly; Then, in the Nabatovs’ apartment near the Summer Garden, for my repentance I was honored with the great mercy of God in the forgiveness of the sin of being angry with a beggar and hitting him with my right hand from a droshky, after which I died in soul and was in great distress and shame; And at Burachok’s christening, the Lord had mercy on me, granting me the grace to perform, albeit with difficulty, for the sake of gluttony, the Sacrament of Baptism. He quickly delivered me from various sins through secret repentance. Glory to His mercy, insurmountable by any of our sins. I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercy shown to me this day during matins and mass in the church of the House of Diligence in delivering me from fierce sorrows and demonic violence through greed and stinginess (I spared the candles of the tee on the throne, the gold-embroidered handrails, from the smoke of incense). I have found the eternal life - Christ in His Holy Mysteries and in the prayer of faith - what else am I seeking? I don't need anything except the Lord. He is eternal and perfect my belly. Saturday Parents' Day. I thank the Lord, who has done countless blessings for me during matins (in the cathedral) and mass (in the Duma Assumption Church) in taking away spiritual death from my soul and in giving it life and peace, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, and in resolving the devil’s snares; I thank you for your success in prayers in Kronstadt and in the capital, and for your haste on the journey by sea and land, and for the bestowal of heavenly and earthly blessings! I thank the Lord for a hundredfold deliverance through the prayer of secret repentance - deliverance from the deceits of mental serpents during and after the services of Matins and Liturgy (in the Assumption Church), during prayer services and especially the Sacrament of Baptism (three baptisms: at Kostin, Elsner and Popandopulo). It was easiest to baptize at Elsner’s: there was no stranger to the people, the recipient was the wife of Konstantin Ivanovich, a colonel. It was very difficult for Popandopulo - there were a lot of officers and ladies, girls. Invisible enemies often stopped the prayer, and I had to repeat the same thing again several times; The reason for the weakness is, by the way, that he ate and drank at Konstantin Ivanovich’s after the christening. How important and necessary is abstinence! Morning. Five o'clock. God alone is faithful; the world is a great liar and deceiver; our flesh is a constant charmer and deceiver, the destroyer of the immortal soul, through the deceit of the devil in it, it constantly plunges the soul into the mud of sin and death, and only the Lord, through repentance, extracts it, the unfortunate, the poor, from this mud and death. Cling, man, to the one true life - the eternal God and trample on the charms of the world and the flesh, achieve eternal life, solve your great task. And now, at this hour, the Lord delivered and renewed my soul, which had slipped into sin, renewed it for secret repentance and knowledge of sin with contrition of heart for it. I thank the Lord, the only faithful and life giver; sin flatters 113 and always plunges into death, although through the sweetness of the flesh. God! Enlighten the hearts of all Your people, darkened by the passions of the flesh and spirit. You surprised in me, Lord, the abyss of mercy and salvation, both yesterday and now, according to the abyss of my sins, committed by thought, feeling, word and deed. I thank You for this and for the fact that you accepted my secret repentance many times and were usually quick to obey me, and kind, and kind, righteous and merciful - a punisher, a repayer of sorrow, and again a peace-giver and joy-maker. I thank You, Lord, for the abyss of Your mercy towards me, a sinner, every day from early morning until late evening and during the nights: You always protect me, have mercy, deliver me from fierce invisible enemies, protect, save, rest, spread my soul, surround me with joys of every kind, generously, glorify, make me an object of desire, for You Yourself abides in me, the All-Desiring One, the end of all desires. Glory to Thee, Most Holy Master, forever. Recorded on November 1 in the morning before the service, on Sunday. God! Grant me to build a church in my homeland and consecrate it during my priestly service. Grant me this joy for the glory of Your name and for the salvation and joy of the sheep of Your flock there, acquired by Your blood [Acts 20:28]. Sunday. Lord, I thank You for the foreseeable miracles of mercy and salvation of my unworthiness during Matins and the Liturgy, and after it, and in houses, and on the ship, and back and forth (sapper engineer, screw steamer), and in the carriage, and in the carriage, and in Kronstadt, and in the capital. You do everything in me according to my faith and according to my trust in You for repentance and knowledge of my sins, towards which my accursed heart constantly creeps. I glorify You, my holiness, my beauty, my glory, my strength, my life, my breath, my inexhaustible and incorruptible treasure, life-giving, surpassing all my iniquities. All these days I was in Kronstadt due to the muddy roads. The sea was covered with ice. God! I thank You for all the miracles of Your mercy towards me, the many-passionate one. From early morning upon awakening, and during the morning services, and during mass, and after it, and all day long, You unceasingly had mercy on me, a sinner, and revived me, a dying soul, cleansed, pacified, touched, and delivered from countless demonic wounds. How wonderful, renewing, saving, life-giving is Your faith, O Lord! How wonderful, [full] of goodness and spiritual goodness is Your name! Despite all the wounds of evil spirits, I remain safe and sound, getting rid of all deadly demonic harm, all cramped conditions, all despondency and cowardice! With small prayers for people, by Your grace I have success! By Your grace, people are very kind to me and love me. Glory to You for everything! For a short time of sorrow and illness of the soul and body in this life, for through repentance and faith sins are cleansed and illnesses are healed through prayers and medical art, by the mercy of God, who spares and has mercy on us in this age. But future (in the next century) sorrows and torments are eternal and will never end: the heart will forever be gnawed by an undying worm, an unquenchable fire will forever burn terribly, eternal indignation, the eternal wrath of God will remain on sinners, eternal sobbing, eternal crying will accept all unrepentant sinners. Think about this, sinners like me, and shudder, and fear sin and unrepentance, and hasten to repentance in order to quench, as long as possible, the righteous wrath of God against the transgressors of God’s commandments, in the fulfillment of which lies our life and blessedness, reject sin and diligently do the perfect, holy, righteous, saving, blessed will of God. (Yesterday, November 4, in a dream during the day, I saw Metropolitan Isidore talking to me in spirit and in a good disposition towards me.) Because of the sacrilegious hand of my wife, on November 4, Wednesday morning, I was subjected to strong temptation, confusion, anxiety, irritation and spiritual death. But the Lord destroyed all this for my repentance and prayer; He had mercy on my soul, pacified it, revived it, strengthened it in my stomach, made me happy and allowed me to enjoy reading and singing during Matins, performing the liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence and receiving the Holy Mysteries. How great miracles faith works with the prayer of repentance! What kind of troubles they save you from, both mentally and physically! What blessings are being given to us! May we, sinners, acquire living faith and unceasing prayer, as those who continually need God’s mercy, as sinners who have nothing of our own except sin. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy towards me, a sinner, for from early morning during Matins, when I was embarrassed and wounded by demons for repentance and calling on Your holy name, after falling to the holy throne and kissing it with faith, You quickly, sovereignly delivered me from their intrigues and barking 114 and revived my soul, mortified by their excuses strangled. Then, during Matins, and before mass, already in the church of the House of Diligence, and during mass, and after mass, many, many times You delivered me from various snares of demons. For all your hundredfold mercies, I offer you, O Lord, confession of your miracles and thanksgiving for them and for your protection of me, unworthy and indecent. I pray Your goodness will not abandon me in the future, but will mercifully cover and protect me and always glorify Your holy name, for my invisible enemies never fall asleep in their malice and in many ways deceive me in my weakness. I thank the Lord for the miraculous, sovereign, blessed visits of His grace to my misery, for He destroyed the countless intrigues, entrapments, woundings of evil spirits and all my falls and passionate inclinations in me for repentance and calling on His name with a contrite heart and gave me His sweet rightness of thoughts and feelings, and His sweet peace, and spaciousness of heart, and perfection. healing of mental ulcers. I thank the Lord for granting boldness and strength during my prayers in Kronstadt and in the capital, where, by the way, I was with the mayor Gresser, and on November 9 - with the merchant Savin on Vasilyevsky Island, Seventeenth Line. Today I saw in a dream in the morning the sovereign emperor, who spoke and addressed me extremely kindly and condescendingly and allegedly telegraphed me somewhere abroad, and then told me. I was very happy, delighted and kissed his hands; I saw the princesses and kissed their hands, but I don’t know which ones. Wednesday. Serious internal troubles befell me that day from the action of evil spirits and my passions, but I also received great deliverance from the Lord from early morning until late evening, throughout the whole day, without ceasing: both in the church and outside it, in different houses during prayer services. (Matins: the sexton is clumsy and absent-minded during the singing of the canon; anger at the poor; during mass, temptations from invisible spirits of evil.) As many troubles as there are, so many deliverances and sweet things from the Lord of peace and tranquility, freedom and boldness, help in service. Oh, the wealth of goodness, mercy, deliverance! Thousands of enemy plagues - thousands of healings of the Lord! Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, my unashamed trust and protection and constant protection. Eternal damnation to the damned enemy, incorporeal, fighting, confusing and tormenting the human race, redeemed by the blood of Christ God! At funeral services, the adversary especially fights and kicks me when I serve them alone, without a deacon. Morning. How faithfully [the Lord] achieves His all-good and wise goal, His Divine intention for us, fallen people corrupted by sin. Our wonderful renewal takes place continuously after proper preparation for the Sacrament and after receiving communion with faith and love! The miracle of rebirth, cleansing, sanctification, reconciliation with God, with the Church and with one’s conscience happens constantly, immutably, to the joy and consolation of the faithful and to the surprise of themselves. Glory to You, Lord, who is so merciful and saving us! I, the damned one, cannot exist comfortably for one day without the Sacrament of Communion. I am extremely weak in spirit and body, but through communion I am renewed, strengthened, pacified, helped, inspired, and what is most amazing is that I become miraculous for believers and those praying with me, I renew and lift the spirits of many and revive their bodies and heal them with the grace that abides in me. Glory to the Lord for this too! If we pray with the Holy Spirit sincerely, with faith and repentance, then our prayer is accepted by God, if not, it is not accepted as false. They complain that God does not hear prayer - do they hear it themselves, do they feel it in their hearts? They themselves often do not hear their prayers. Who's to blame? Everyone is not God, the impartial Father of all. Evening. This day was full of miracles of God’s mercy towards me, as a day of deliverance from pressure and fire, the poison of passions and the wiles of demons, and as a day of renewal of soul and body, peace, freedom after confusion and captivity of passions, slavery to them. On the night of November 13, by the morning of waking up at three o'clock in the morning, the enemy captivated me with hostility and enmity towards [...] Anna and wounded me, confused me, pushed me back; I now secretly ran to the Lord with repentance, rejected enmity and hostility with God’s help - and my soul was completely healed and I calmed down and fell asleep. Glory to the mercy of God, but shame on my face for my incessant passions. May I love my neighbor with unfading love. The sign of the cross during a blessing must be done diligently 115, slowly, with faith and love, for through it our salvation is accomplished, the oath of God is destroyed and the blessing of the Son of God is given, but you often do it carelessly, without attention and as if ashamed of someone. Sin. Whoever is ashamed of Me... in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him the Son of Man will also be ashamed [Mark 8:38]. Also pay deep attention to exclamations and dismissals during prayers and other demands and pronounce them clearly for the glory of God and for the edification of believers. Friday and Saturday (highly solemn days). Glory to You, Lord, for these two days, in which You, by Your innumerable mercy, created an abyss of mercy for me, delivering me from the fierce attacks of the devil during Matins and before it, and during Mass and after Mass during the service of prayers in private homes. How close You are to me, Lord, how gracious, how quickly obedient, how strong, powerful, and terrible to enemies invisible and visible, who disappear from calling upon Your name with faith and representing by me the image of Your living being, Your being in me! Today, before mass and during mass, how many times have You delivered me from the deadly scorching remorse of Belial! I thank You, Lord, that You surround me daily and most often with the joys of Your deliverance from my enemies and sins. Oh, what a daily roar of the devil at me! What a readiness to devour me, to devour me, from this hellish dragon! But who are you, who changed the kindness and light of angelic nature for devilish ugliness and eternal darkness, natural goodness for supernatural evil, tell me? What made you dissatisfied, ungrateful to the Creator, who once adorned you with wondrous perfections? – Your pride, your guile, your dream of being equal to the Most High. But here you are equal only to yourself, your immeasurable pride, your equal malice, your eternal condemnation and, consequently, your eternal torment! O ungrateful one who has [blinded] himself, who has perverted his godlike nature, hide yourself for ever and ever in the eternal fire prepared for you and suffer for your deeds! Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for the constant and countless miracles of Your mercy and power in me, a sinner, that You dry up all the sources of sin in me and make me pure before You by the grace of Your Holy Spirit, taking away all sins from my heart, and taking away my infidelities, making me faithful to You. I thank You, Lord, that You constantly surround me with the joys of deliverance. Who is the Great God, like our God? You are the God who works miracles [Ps.76:14–15]. I thank You, Lord, that You have created and are creating in me great and countless [miracles and] in Your people, who turn to me with trust from everywhere, both personally and in absentia. By their faith, Lord, You work these miracles, by faith in You and by trust in me, as I am Yours, even if I am an unworthy servant, clothed with Your grace. Glory to Your holy and glorious name, Lord! But most of all, You have created and continue to create miracles of goodness and power, mercy, enlightenment, purification, sanctification, renewal, reconstruction, new creation, deification in me, a sinner. In me You constantly show Your mercy and power and glory - the glory of goodness, strength, wisdom. For this reason, I, a sinner, glorify You. God! Even in these days I am filled with Your mercies, Your grace, Your wonderful powers. From morning to evening, demonic treachery, entrapment, wounding, embarrassment, cramped conditions (at times) were within me, and from morning to evening the Lord surrounded me with the joys of deliverance from demonic intrigues and from my passions and filled me with peace, joy, giving me a spacious heart. These days I spent the night in Oranienbaum due to lack of communication with the island. I thank the Lord for all His mercies to me and to the people with whom I prayed to Him. Friday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and power in me, a sinner, from early morning until late evening, for the miracles of deliverance, protection, healing, pacification, renewal. Be blessed from me forever and ever, my Lord, Lord! Amen. I thank the Lord for the trust and heartfelt disposition of His people towards me: their common disposition and love for me. You are marvelous in this too, Lord! They are sincerely disposed towards You, who dwells in me; Lord, You accept all their heartfelt sacrifices and reward them with the rich gifts of Your goodness, for everyone yearns to receive great and rich mercy from You. From early morning (at Matins) there were many deadly wiles of the devil in me, but at the same time the Lord showed an abyss of mercies and life-giving powers in me, destroying the work of the devil in me both during Matins and early mass, and after it. During Matins, [the devil], humiliated by the Mother of God and completely trampled upon by Her, out of his malice did not allow me to utter the majestic words of the song of the Mother of God while reading the Gospel of Luke, and confused, wounded, and put me to shame, but the Lord had mercy and healed my cowardly and many-passionate soul for secret repentance and calling on His name. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness during mass (liturgy of the faithful) and for the victory over the earthly aspirations of my heart (small prosphoras initially); box with vestments; fear that Procopius might take it). The abyss of infirmities attracted the abyss of God's power, many temptations - many intercessions, many falls - many restorations, strength and mercy of God. Every person is a liar [Ps. 115:2]: our heart, our will, our mind constantly lies, and all to our own detriment, in spite of ourselves. What kind of contradiction, what kind of duality? What kind of ugliness is this? What nonsense and absurdity is this? Under the pretext of pleasing yourself, your flesh, its greed, voluptuousness, how many violations of God’s commandments, significant harm to yourself? And what would happen to us if the infinite mercy of God, the immeasurable power of God did not restore us again, if it did not correct our disorders and disgraces and falls? We would all be miserable slaves of vanity and corruption and victims of eternal torment. I thank You, Lord, for all Your mercies, for all the changes Your right hand has made in me; praise and unceasing thanksgiving to You from me and from everyone like me. These days were full of miracles of Thy mercy towards me, from early morning until late at night; and during the night itself, how many passions and deaths were destroyed in me by the power of God! What tightness has been taken away from my soul and given me heartfelt space and peace after embarrassment! How much renewal, how much life there is in my dead being! Oh Lord! I thank you and will not stop thanking you. Accept from me, indecent, but pardoned by You, this thanksgiving! I thank You, Lord, for the grace of the enthusiastic reading and singing of stichera, canons at the All-Night Vigil to the Mother of God and to the holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called. I thank the Lord for restraining me from manifestations of voluptuousness, which severely chilled me after mass. Thank You for saving me from lust. I must always remember that I need very little food, and always refrain, so as not to offend the grace of God that lives and works in me. I thank You, Lord, who has granted me to meet the month in which we celebrate Your glorious and world-saving Nativity. Grant us to meet in joy and the new year of Your goodness, and the holy Epiphany - the appearance of the Trinity in the Jordan 116. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, for the many, many restorative, cleansing, sanctifying, renewing, daring, miraculous, joyful, ennobling powers You have shown in me these days from early morning until late at night and morning. Glory to Thee, glorified Master, in heaven and on earth! Glory to Thee, my joy, my strength, my glory, my confession, my splendor, my miracle, my shrine, my God, my life! Glory to Thee, for in my weaknesses Thou hast been greatly glorified, and my sins have revealed in me the abyss of Thy mercy, invincible by our sins. Amen, amen, amen. I thank the Lord for His countless mercies towards me in delivering me from countless cruel circumstances and the machinations of ethereal enemies and from my own sinful inclinations. On December 6, at three and a half o'clock in the evening, I received a letter from Dean Father Vasily Gilyarovsky informing me of my appointment as a catechist at the cathedral for 1888. We need to make a conversation plan. I’m thinking of talking about the liturgy or about evening and morning services and about the liturgy. Make a plan soon. I thank the Lord for the countless mercies of deliverance, justification, cleansing, peace, spiritual freedom, when I ran with a secret prayer of repentance in different places and in different temptations from my many-passionate flesh. I confess to the Lord my innumerable weaknesses and my sins, from which His grace and mercy alone always delivers me. And again I thank the Lord for countless new mercies, for the constant salvation of me, who was perishing. For, like fast streams, sins are carried away on me and drag me into the abyss of destruction, but the Lord stops and dries them up in me. (From 14 to 19 in Moscow.) I thank the Lord for all the wondrous help, for all deliverance and salvation, for all the miracles of His goodness, mercy, power revealed in me and in His people here, in Kronstadt, and in Petrograd, and in Moscow, for the complete devotion of Christian hearts to me, unworthy, for all the respect for me, small and great, rich and poor, of every rank and condition, for everything their generosity to me, and the newly built church, and the House of Diligence, and the poor. O Lord, do not forsake my unworthiness even in the past through Your mercies and bounties. I thank You, Lord, for Your innumerable mercies and strengths, revealed in me this past and this day, both in the church, and in houses, and on the road (in the carriage), and in Kronstadt, and in the capital; I thank the Lord, who constantly surrounds me with the joys of deliverance. Sunday. I couldn’t read the Sunday Gospel due to the devil’s rebellion and violence because of the treat yesterday evening, at twelve o’clock, at Parfeny Andreevich Motin’s after the road (wine, fish, beer). I thank the Lord for deliverance from evil temptations during the liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence at the proskomedia before the Cherubic Song. Carnal pleasure and gluttony and love of love put me, through the action of the devil, in a decidedly hostile attitude towards God and my neighbor and towards my soul. Friendship with the world is enmity against God, says the Apostle [James 4:4]. Away with the love of the world, the flesh, the womb, things sweet and beautiful, dainty. One sweetness and beauty - God. I thank the Lord for the abundance of mercy, deliverance and salvation of my weakness from early morning until late evening, when I called on His holy name secretly and openly in repentance. Again, the abyss of the Lord’s mercies towards me, a great sinner, befell me from early morning until late evening continuously - both here in Kronstadt, in the cathedral and in the church of the House of Diligence, during and outside of service, and in the carriage, and in Tsarskoe Selo. The Lord delivered me from the darkness of temptation and oppression and returned His favor to me, giving me the property of Himself, the Lord my God, truth, and holiness, and mercy, and life. Cut, slash, eradicate enmity in your flesh - various carnal passions that rebel against God and your neighbor and your soul; mortify, crucify the flesh with passions and lusts, may your soul live, may God be in you, may God live in you. Help and strengthen, Lord my God, me and all Your people to hate ourselves and the adulterous and sinful world, that is, its corrupt customs, destructive for our souls. The Lord continually benefits me secretly and openly, saving me from the temptations of sin and from the inflamed temptations of Belial; I must constantly thank the Lord - my salvation and deliverance, my life, my strength, my beauty, my strong shield, my sweetness of life, my help, my peace, my space, my joy, my glory. Thank you, cheerful, alert, my ambulance. I thank You also for granting the spiritual dawn to my soul when drawing up a plan for my conversations for the next year for Your glory, Trinitarian Master! I am the Alpha and Omega... [Rev.1:8]. The beginning and end of the service is Christ God with the Father and the Holy Spirit. I am with you always, even to the end of the age [Matthew 28:20], especially during the liturgy. I thank the Lord for the gift of a living, enthusiastic service of the Sunday and Christmas all-night vigil and liturgy with tears of tenderness. I thank the Lord for delivering me throughout the day from sinful tendencies and for cleansing the defilements of my many-passionate soul. I thank You, Lord, for Your grace [precurses] me everywhere and disposes the hearts of all in my favor and in my boldness in Your name. This triples my strength in prayer. Great is Your name, O Lord, throughout all the earth. Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, for delivering me from the often repeated deceit of my heart when visiting the dwellings of the capital, for, looking at the poor or meager surroundings of those inviting me to pray, I sometimes think: there is no point in praying here - and I secretly despise persons who, like the rich, are in the image of God and, perhaps, are in greater need of prayer and sincerely, pray more earnestly than the rich, and with greater invite with zeal. How murderous and ungodly this thought is! And for my repentance You have mercy and correct my evil, selfish, contemplative heart! I thank You that You are preparing for me the hearts of men everywhere, who sincerely respect me and seek to pray, thirsting for prayer with me. There is a lot, a lot of harvest! The fields... turned white and ripe for harvest, according to Your word [John 4:35]! A lot of blood came out of the nose in St. Petersburg in one house from a moneylender (accepts movables, especially clothes, as collateral). Scrofulous beneficial phenomenon - excess eruption. (I drank a lot of holy water in many places before.) December 31 and January 1 [1888] I thank the Lord, who is close to me everywhere, and who listens to me everywhere, and who saves me everywhere: in church, and at home, and in a sleigh, and in a carriage, and in a carriage - and who surrounds me with the joys of His deliverance, who wins the hearts of all people who are devoted to me, who love me, who honor me deeply, who have great confidence in me; May I always justify, Lord, this trust in word and deed for the glory of Your name and for the enlightenment, consolation and salvation of Your people. From early morning to late evening and deep into the night, You, most merciful Lord, have mercy on me ineffably, even when I do not call, and especially, especially when I call on You with a sincere heart in repentance. How many times do You deliver me from sinful inclinations, malice, envy, voluptuousness, intemperance in food and drink, from false [apprehensions] and fears! How much do you turn away the tightness, confusion, shame, powerlessness, despondency of sin and give space, peace, freedom, joy, boldness! And what a wonderful wealth of disposition in the hearts of Your people You produce in relation to my lack of dignity! – who can express this? Both the old and the small, the noble and the simple, the rich and the poor, the learned and the ignorant, strive for me, like a deer thirsting for a source of water [Ps. 41:2], although I am sinful, and weak, and invisible to myself! Oh, what an unimaginable wealth of Your grace is in me, all active and cooperating! I thank You, Most Generous God, who did not spare me according to my merits or deeds, but according to Your mercy and Your infinite goodness! But be gracious, O Lord, to all Your people who have turned to You through my unworthiness and who are turning and who have yet to turn, and may not one of them be put to shame in his faith and in his trust and hope, but may they all receive from You, each according to his own need, and so may Your holy name be glorified and glorified by all, Father of bounties and God of all comfort! Amen. God! I thank You for the great, countless, surpassing reason and word, Your blessings, secret and obvious to me from early morning until late at night, and even at night, when I rest in the beneficial sleep given to me by You. From how many embarrassments and cramps, from how many and what attempts You saved me through my secret prayers, from how many sins! What life, what peace, what boldness he gave me, what grace before all people, small and great! What bounties have you poured out on your churches, both those already created and those about to be created in my homeland! Glory to you continually, my Lord, Lord! I thank You, Lord my God, that You have delivered me many, many times from acute temptations and sorrows for the sake of my secret prayer and for the sake of Your name, and have not allowed me to be defeated by the fierce hunter Belial. I thank You, Most Precious One, that You have made me desirable for all prayers for the sake of it, for everyone wants to pray to You with me, indecent. I thank You, All-Bounteous, for Your material bounties, and may they be for Your glory. I thank You, Lord, for Your constant closeness to me and Your prompt obedience in my secret and open prayers. Thank you for the speedy deliverance from my sorrows and for deliverance from my sins. But how long will I be carnal, sold under sin? How long will the passions of the flesh—gluttony, voluptuousness, greed, partiality and contemplation, laziness—destroy me and act violently in me against reason and every law and put me to shame? Until I rise completely above [flesh], this corruptible and stinking companion of mine in temporary life? When will I lift up my heart and soul? Especially during the pre-heavenly liturgy? From deep morning to deep night You have mercy and save me, Lord, when I call on You in my sorrows and in sinful hobbies, when the adversary brazenly tries to take away from me You, my property, my incorruptible, eternal, vital, rich treasure. I thank the Lord for the inexhaustible abyss of miracles of mercy towards me, a sinner, for the incessant streams of miracles for my many sins and, at the same time, repentance both in Kronstadt, and in the capital, and in the carriage, and in the sleigh, and in the carriage, especially in the church during and after the service, and in the houses of the capital, when due to my impatience and pride and lack of Christian love I had to be upset to something or someone. Morning. I thank You, Lord, for you have had mercy and corrected my soul, which had become irritated, sorrowful and cramped because of an unraveled chain of sentries, twisted for various reasons. I must be indifferent to all things, to all entanglements and consider peace of mind above all, for the soul and heart are the temple of the Holy Spirit and before Him all earthly dust and nothingness, and to treat all vicissitudes with indifference, only to fear sin and avoid it with all the strength and contempt of my soul. To my Deliverer and Helper, Lord, I thank You for countless deliverance from the devil’s slander and traps, both in the church, and at home, and on the road, and for your help in my prayers, for my boldness, for their sincerity and strength. The news from relative (matchmaker) Nikolai Al is gratifying. Kachalov, that Bishop Isidore the Metropolitan himself recognized the power of my unworthy prayers over himself (it seems at a dinner [...] in the Novgorod province). Glory to Thee, Lord, for all Thy wonders, for Thy power is made perfect in my weaknesses. I thank the Lord, who has performed in me an abyss of miracles throughout these days, from early morning until late at night, in churches, in homes, on the road, and in every place - miracles of mercy, intercession, deliverance, salvation, justification of me, a repentant sinner, peace, freedom, boldness, success in prayers. My sins are common: self-love, carnality, love of love, greed, impatience, irritability and anger, sometimes envy, insincerity, lack of sympathy for the misfortune of one’s neighbor, caressing. I thank the Lord for the cordial disposition and trust of all His faithful people in me and for their readiness to make sacrifices for the benefit of the poor and for the establishment of a church in my homeland. Bless, Lord, and reward all those to whom I sighed and exhaled, and those who invited me diligently, but with whom I could not be before for various reasons, may they not be upset with me, a sinner. I will not cease to thank the Lord, as long as there is breath in my mouth, for His daily innumerable benefits and mercies to me, for correction, for cleansing, sanctification, pacification, renewal, reinstatement, affirmation, deification, for the disposition of His people towards me, for their desire to pray with me, for the performance of signs and wonders in believers who turn to me, unworthy, sinful, and weak. Be to You, Lord, glory and honor and thanksgiving forever and ever, for Your name is glorified both through me, a sinner, and mine for Your sake and with You. Praise be to You, honor and power forever, but for me - shame on the face of non-correction for my sake and my passion. Hidden in our flesh is a passionate love for the world and its so-called blessings and the fiercest enmity towards God and neighbor; That is why the holy martyrs, saints and all the saints crucified her with passions and lusts, so that they could always have in their hearts ardent love for God and neighbor. I thank the Lord for the thousand-fold correction and revival, after the sinful mortification of my soul and repentance, by His grace and bounty, the All-Merciful and Quick to Hear. You are deliverance, You are my indestructible shield, Lord, You are my life, my strength, my light, my boldness, an everlasting miracle for me and for everyone who prays with me. Christ is my strength, my glory, my wealth, my beauty, my peace, my saving shield, my complete bliss, my light, my everything. Everything on earth is dust. I thank the Lord for the usual mercies showered on me from Him daily and at every hour on countless occasions from early morning until late at night - both in the church, and in homes, and on the road. Glory to Thee, invincible in mercy! Always show pastoral love for your flock in deed and word, especially when spiritual children come to confess their sins and partake of the Holy Mysteries; do not be upset with them for various infirmities, but meekly accept and converse, remembering that Christ God Himself laid down His soul for them and that He will reward you a hundredfold for your pastoral labors: when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive an unfading crown of glory [1 Peter 5:4]. And you often speak impatiently, rudely and harshly, without respect for the personalities of those confessing, especially commoners and ordinary women. I thank the Lord for the multitude of spiritual victories in His holy name, both in the church during and after the service, and in the open air, and in the houses of the capital, and in the carriage, and in the carriage. Glory to Thee, our invincible God in mercy! Glory to Thee, Omnipotent One, who wipes away every sin in me and leads me from darkness and the shadow of death into the light of grace and from confusion and oppression and shame into peace, freedom and boldness. Amen. May Your name be blessed and glorified by all forever and ever. I thank the Lord for the clouds of mercies showered on me these days from early morning until late at night in Kronstadt and in the capital: in church, and in houses, and in the open air, and in sleighs, and in the carriage. How the Lord miraculously changed my heart with the renewal of salvation, the renewal of the Holy Spirit, pacified, expanded my heart, matured 118, made me bold, pleased, strengthened, enlightened. Glory to His all-powerful, all-good, all-wise, all-righteous power! And how Belial roared at me, stung me, devoured me, burned me with his poison! - who will speak of his intrigues, his entrapment, his captivity, his murder! I thank the Lord for His countless help in serving me and in overcoming ethereal enemies and sins from early morning until late at night. God! Turn away from vanity, every sin and icy coldness towards You my household, who abundantly enjoy the blessings of Your land through my unceasing labors for Your glory, and draw them to repentance, prayer, petition, thanksgiving, glorification, reading Your word, so that an attack does not suddenly overtake them and they then completely lose heart. I thank the Lord for countless victories in His name over ethereal enemies who in every possible way wounded, confused, and enslaved me. I thank the Lord most of all for the gracious celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in St. Petersburg on Moika, No. 9, in the apartment of the publisher of the magazine “North” Vsevolod Sergeevich Solovyov; Beforehand, I prayed to the Lord about this, who helped me to accomplish a sincerely holy work, although not without struggling with the drinking invisible forces. I thank the Lord that sin was not put to shame for my sake. I thank the Lord for overcoming the spirit of adultery 119 in the carriage and in the carriage when returning to Kronstadt. [...]. Worship and rituals as soul and body. After the prayer service with Alexey Lvovich Bubnov, I went to board a troika carriage for the journey to St. Petersburg. Here the beggars surrounded me and began to yell, scream, asking for alms, some for the third time; I was offended, embittered and hit one loudmouth in the face, but I myself wounded my soul more and lost peace, freedom and boldness and almost repented all the way (even on the other side [...]), and the Lord had mercy for the sake of His name, granting forgiveness and peace to my soul. Upon arriving home, in the courtyard I met an officer with a young woman who definitely wanted to be with me (at one o’clock in the morning); I was offended - and again I offended myself more, having lost my peace and tranquility, but again I begged the Lord and accepted peace, and slept well. Glory to the Lord! Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of saving me from my sins: irritation and beating of impudent ([...]) and other sins. You accepted my repentance, forgave, and pacified, and expanded my troubled and oppressed soul, and bestowed great boldness. Glory to Thee, invincible in mercy! From early morning until late at night, You, Lord, performed in me miracles of Your invincible mercy through the prayer of faith in heartfelt repentance: in St. Petersburg, when many acquaintances entered the carriage, she entered [...] with the usual [affections]; I lost my temper and gave her three slaps in front of the people, I myself was indignant and became [carnal], but [...] I [prayed] with heartfelt repentance and was pardoned and pacified. I thank You, Lord, destroyer of evil and destroyer of my passions. I thank You, who guards my treasures - this granary of Your churches, and charitable institutions, and the poor. What hellish machinations did you overcome in me, my God, Lord Jesus Christ, what confusion, spiritual mortification, oppression, grief did you overcome and stop in me after the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries! Throughout the mass I was confused and oppressed by what happened in the church because of people who love troubles! I thank You for the wonders of Your mercy, Lord! Thank you for the grace-filled reading and singing during Matins and for your pure, grace-filled voice! Do not deprive me of it until I die in old age, so that I may sing You loudly until my very old age with all Your saints. I thank You, Lord, my Benefactor and Recreator and Restorer, who has granted me countless salvation of restoration and renewal by the Holy Spirit in these days, as in former days, and the joy of salvation from sins, sorrows and hardships, always giving me, and always interceding me from the cruelty and deceit of invisible enemies. There is no number for my sins and weaknesses, there is no number for Your salvation and Your powers, which were gloriously accomplished and operative in me. In whom, Lord, are You most glorified and glorified, if not in the salvation of weak and perishing sinners, whom You have mercy on, restore, recreate, cleanse, sanctify, enlighten, console, affirm? If you save a righteous man, it is nothing great; and even if you have mercy on a pure person, it is nothing marvelous 120, but surprise your mercy on a sinner, in him show your love for mankind, as you always show, so that our malice does not overcome your unspeakable goodness and mercy. God! How can I love those who do not love You, and those who forget You, and those who constantly do things that are contrary to You, and those who are alien to You and Your Church, and those who refuse to serve You? How to love them when they constantly show contempt for You and respect only the lust of the flesh and eyes and the pride of life [1 John 2:16]? I mean those living with me. Give me tears to cry for them and for myself. There are none in the church, but there are always in the circus. How wonderfully, how quickly You transformed me into my heart, Lord, when I, distressed by searching or climbing the [high] stairs in the capital’s houses and growing cold towards my petitioners, repented before You and asked You for forgiveness, warmth of heart and love for others, sympathy, forgiveness and patience, renewal and restoration of my soul, and You granted me what I asked for, and I sincerely prayed to Yours grace and help. I thank You that You, the Giver of Life, have revived and are always reviving me, dead in sins, and again granting salvation a thousandfold, my Creator, my all-good and all-powerful Savior. What will I bring or give back to You? - Only confession of Your mercies, bounties and miracles in me. Glory to Hebe, praised and exalted forever, King of ages. I commemorate new and great miracles of God’s mercy towards me - miracles of blessing and renewal, my revival by the hand of the Almighty in the apartment of Mr. Klevebek, an official of special assignments under Gresser, the mayor, to whom I, with grief and murmur, went up to the fifth floor and myself lost the blessed world; By secret repentance here with tears I returned all the mercy of God and received a wonderful renewal, life and peace with boldness and fervor of the soul. It was the same in other places. Glory to the Lord! Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, for Your immeasurable mercy, revealed in me in deliverance from my sins, for the repentance of irritation and lust ([...]), brought to You in a sleigh and in a carriage on the way to St. Petersburg, and for boldness in prayers in high society salons. I thank You, my every treasure, every riches, every beauty, every sweetness, every good [...], every glory. I thank the Lord for delivering me through the secret prayer of repentance from the extremely burning, poisonous wiles of the devil during Matins and Mass and for granting grace-filled justification, peace, freedom and boldness. The temptation came from secret anger at the Father Superior for his imaginary or real pride against me and because of the censer, or excess incense in the censer. Thursday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of deliverance, mercy and salvation that were revealed in me through the secret prayer of repentance at different moments of this day: in the church during matins and mass, and in the sleigh, and in the carriage, and in the capital, and in Strelna, and at home in Kronstadt, when anger and indignation and rage seized me at the sight of the empty [beds] of my wife and nieces and at the thought of constant [balah] them and conversion [...]. God! What a miracle You performed for me by Your mercy! What a deliverance! What a rescue! It’s as if you transferred me from hell to heaven. And henceforth, by Thy mercy, I will not be irritated. I will leave them to themselves and Your truth and goodness. I thank the Lord for not abandoning me, a sinner, and for the miracles of hasty obedience and salvation from my sins (impatience, pride, displeasure and irritation), especially in the apartment of Miller (near the Greek church) and General Tomichev (Zvenigorodskaya Street), when I secretly prayed in heartfelt repentance. Glory to Thee, Most Holy Master and Most Merciful, and for many, many other deliverances. I thank You, source of light and wisdom, for the good and bright thoughts that illuminated my soul during secret prayers with the light of Your knowledge and knowledge of myself, my fall, my uprising by Your grace. Always water me with the abyss of Your wisdom, O Lord, so that I may know You, and more and more, myself. From early morning until late at night, You, Lord, performed miracles in me in Your holy name, delivering me from the poisonous and deadly networks of sin, delivering me from all sorrow and cramped conditions and confusion both in the church and outside it, in homes, and on the road, and at home regarding my announcement of the remark of the director of the gymnasium to my wife regarding the misbehavior of my nieces Tsvetkov in the club and in the theater and about seeing off their high school students, which were not needed. Keep these young, fed and watered by me, who do not want to know the way to Your house, to Your holy church, and who passionately attend clubs, circuses, theaters, and skating meetings. I spoke the word of truth. What will she tell them, and will she tell them? God! Enlighten the blinded eyes of their hearts! Turn them to Your knowledge, for it is bitter to see Your ignorance, O Lord, in these youths 121 [enraged]. Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for the abundance of salvation from the snares of demons and from my passions from early morning, during matins and early mass and after them, and in the capital in the apartment of Mr. [Hartung] (here the Lord performed a miracle of internal rebirth, spiritual restoration through the secret prayer of repentance and granted sincere, daring prayer without stumbling) and in the apartment of Mr. Dryabin. Doctor, heal yourself [Luke 4:23]. This doctor is me. How great and invaluable is the benefit of true faith and unceasing repentance with prayer: faith miraculously improves our inner and outer life, delivering the soul from all confusion, grief, and passions, improving our mutual relationships with each other, especially with God, the source of our life and sacred things, giving deep peace to the soul, light, boldness, the rightness of thoughts, feelings, words and deeds. In order for a word spoken to correct a neighbor to achieve its goal, it must be spoken in a spirit of meekness, love and sincere goodwill, and not with irritation, anger and bitterness, in which the speaker’s own self-love, pride, anger, and ill will are manifested; Moreover, a kind word must be accompanied by a sincere prayer to God for the correction and salvation of those to whom we want to speak, so that the Lord Himself will turn the rejected hearts to Him; then our words will soon have an effect on the hearts of those being corrected, otherwise it is useless to speak - you can only irritate more and even strengthen the addiction to forbidden things and deeds. Anyone who wants to correct others needs to remember his own shortcomings and malfunctions, his habits and sinful addictions, and he must first correct himself in order to correct others: doctor, heal yourself [Luke 4:23]. We must also remember God’s long-suffering towards everyone and towards the one who accuses and wants to correct others - with patience and meekness we must carry on the work of correcting others, remembering that we, the accusers, are still stuck in many sinful passions and habits. In every place, Your life-giving hand, Lord, touched my insides and my entire being, and drove away delusion, darkness and sinful death through the prayer of faith and repentance, and instilled in me reason, truth, and holiness, and peace - both in the church, and in the sleigh, and in the carriage, and in the houses of the capital and Kronstadt, and at home before going to bed. I thank You, most merciful, wonderful and quick to obey Lord. Grant me, Lord, the grace to sincerely and deeply always wish well to every person, even to me who is ill-wishing and ill-wishing, so that I may always overcome evil with good [Rom. 12:21] both in myself and in others, so that I may be an exact executor of Your all-righteous will. Tuesday. Full of all-soul gratitude to You, Lord, I write these lines and cannot express in words Your ineffable mercies, Master, which You have done with me this day, from early morning until late evening, in the church during the service of Matins and Liturgy, and after the Liturgy in the church and at home, especially after seven o’clock in the evening, and after the former embarrassment about the unexpected guests who filled my house. For I sinned, Lord, by not showing them and my family love and favor, and by being irritated with my wife for inviting them without my knowledge and consent, and my soul was filled with hellish, deadly poison, with which I suffered until I, strengthened by repentance and prayer, achieved perfect forgiveness from the Lord and perfect peace of mind. Oh, what an unexplored wealth of the goodness of the Lord and the generosity of God! What forgiveness! What a new creation and son-creation! I exalt You, exalted Father, Lord, who extinguished the flame of my spiritual furnace, which the devil kindled with the sevenfold. I sinned gravely against the grace of the Holy Spirit in that after [communing] the Holy Mysteries and consuming the Holy Gifts (I was full both spiritually and physically) I drank a glass of bitter vodka at the Oranienbaum station and sherry and ate three slices of a bun. But fish food suppressed grace, and I could not decently, with boldness, pray to Doctor General Kozakov, or in other places. This is how the enemy does mischief through food and through the belly. O sweetest post! How necessary you are for the good of the soul! [...]. Apart from You, Lord, grant me the everlasting grace of not lusting after anyone or anything, for You are the only all-desiring and righteous Life-Giver God. Do not forget the words of the apostle: rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep [Rom.12:15]. Treat the modest joy of those living in the world and those who adhere to worldly customs (evenings, singing, playing instrumental music) with condescension and do not forbid it; nevertheless, do not treat it with hostility, with the embarrassment of indignation and enmity. For to each his own – [...]. I thank the Lord for the constant miracles of His mercy in me and for my boldness in prayers in the capital. I thank the Lord for the repeated victory over the serpent, and for the boldness in prayers here and in the capital, and for attracting the people to me, for the people’s love, for their faith and trust. Always respect the moral dignity of each person and your enemy (that is, what is in him in the image of God), and for the sake of pride, malice, wickedness and other sins, do not despise him, but love and pray for him with love, as for your sick member, and do not have enmity against him. Evil cannot be corrected with evil, but with good. Monday of the First Week of Lent. I thank the Lord for the grace of boldness in prayer in the capital and for the disposition of the people’s hearts towards me, which I see everywhere. Oh, the riches of God's grace! O all-attracting grace! Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles performed in me today through my secret prayer for Your name, both in the church during Matins, and on the [way] when I was going to the capital, and in the houses of the capital, especially at Stromilov and Liflyand, and when I was going home to Kronstadt; Your name, O Lord, does wonderful things when it is called upon with faith in repentance: it reflects all sin and death from the soul and bestows justification, life and peace. Because of the imaginary or real dirty tricks of a dog on the parquet floors of the hall and living room (which continued for several years because of Anna Tsvetkova), how much confusion in my soul, fire, crampedness, spiritual death Satan caused me in the morning and especially during Matins on March 8! It's impossible to say. I barely begged the Lord to have mercy on me, who was passionately devoted to earthly things and who was falling away from the Lord because of such vanity, because of such trifles. I was deprived of love and peace, driven away by the Holy Spirit because of dust and corruption, and not in my room. Oh, how cunning Satan is and how conveniently and quickly he can deprive us of everything we need and completely take possession of us and dwell in us tormentingly until we recognize his charms and turn with all our hearts to God, the Source of life and peace. I commemorate the innumerable mercies and powers in me of my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, manifested in me in these days, both in the church, and on the road, and in houses here and in the capital, and in sleighs, and in carriages. How many times has the Lord delivered me from grief and anger, from acts of irritation and beating of the poor, from passions. How many times, after secret prayer, did he grant me the grace of peace and boldness (from Biryukov and others) and the restoration of salvation, turning me from old to new, from troubled to peaceful and bold! Glory to Thee, All-Holy King! I thank the Lord, the only abundantly merciful one, for the multiplication of miracles of His mercy in me, performed both in the church, and on the road, and in the houses where I prayed, here and in the capital. How wonderful and life-giving, victorious and saving is Your name! May it be so for all Christians and non-Christians, may it be known, Lord and Creator of all! Amen. The wonderful deeds of Thy great victories in me amaze me and prompt me to continually triumph in spirit at the greatness of Thy goodness and Thy power. Satan continually strives to extinguish and mortify my spirit - You continually kindle the spirit, revive the mortified soul. God! What will I give back to You? How can I thank You? During the confession of parishioners, how many temptations, extinguishing of the spirit from the haste and insincerity of the matter! And You, after my secret repentance, immediately revive me when I touch Your throne with my heart’s lips (in the Pokrovsky chapel). Glory to You, who revives my dead being. I thank the Lord, who has performed an abyss of mercy and power in me - countless miracles of mercy and deliverance from sins, and deceit and demonic violence, and the scorching arrows of their malice during and outside of service, in church, on the road and in homes through repentance and secret prayers of faith. What will I repay, what will I bring to my Lord for all the joys of deliverance and salvation, for all the health of soul and body, for the peaceful dispensation that I experience all my days? I give thanks by calling on His wonderful name. Blessed be the name of the Lord from now on and forever [Ps. 112:2]. Amen. (12, on Sunday, sexton Ivan A. Nikitin did not come to matins and early mass, but came to prayer services in order not to lose income. This excited and confused me very much; my enemies fired and tormented me, but due to repentance and awareness of my sins and due to the all-forgiving and long-suffering love to which I resorted, I was healed. There were many other cases of grief at the poor and other people, betrayal in love for God and love of creation and tenderness of flesh and blood, and the Lord cleansed and took away all infidelity, all corruption of the heart and body. Glory to Thee, Most-merciful Lord!) I was in Moscow on March 22 and 23, where the Lord blessed me with every kind of mercy: health, peace, goodwill of Muscovites and their gifts for the benefit of the poor and, of course, success in prayers. I thank the Lord for the miracles of blessing in me, victory over Belial and passions, for my repeated rebellion from moral stumbling blocks, for revival and renewal by grace, for the pacification of my soul, which was many times in confusion from invisible enemies and sins, and for the wonderful help in serving on the Feast of the Annunciation in the cathedral and after the service in the cathedral during the service of prayers in houses and in delivering me from grief and anger towards the poor for persecution and intransigence. How wonderful is Your name, O Lord, called upon with faith in repentance! What a blessed life with him (name) and with You, what unceasing revival, renewal, victory, power of triumph! What a treasure You are, a wonderful treasure of Christian souls! What strength, glory, sweetness, beauty, wealth, power! What is the attraction of Your name, for You attract everyone to me with love. I thank the Lord, who pacified my heart, which was completely troubled by the cunning of the enemy during the Matins of the Annunciation, who removed from me the demonic fears before reading the Gospel of the Theotokos, in which invisible enemies always stumble me, and who gave me the strength to read it calmly (only at the end I became faint-hearted and was afraid of the enemy’s machinations, I doubted God’s help, that God [and forgave] me). Thank you for your sweet voice when reading and singing the canon, irmos, stichera. Oh, what a spiritual holiday reading and singing this was for me! Bring, O earth, great joy; praise, O heavens, the glory of God! 122 Saturday. How many miracles You, Lord, have worked in me today in the capital, giving me the strength of victory over sin (sadness and hostility) and the mercy of peace to my soul (in the apartment of Alex. Ilyich Dryabin and in another place before the prayers began). I thank You that I will never be put to shame anywhere, calling You in repentance. How many secret falls due to weakness and habit to sin - and how many uprisings through the grace of God and the secret prayer of repentance! How many opportunities are there for the bodiless enemies - and how many victories over them are from the Lord in me, how much is the Lord trampling upon the power of the devil! On Sunday, during Matins and early mass, there were so many wounds from Belial and countless healings from the grace of God! How many wounds in the capital in different houses due to addiction to self-interest during prayer - and each time a cooling towards earthly vanity by the grace of God! What help, what boldness was given to me by the Lord during the baptism of baby Lydia in St. Petersburg in the First Cadet Corps with an officer! I thank the Lord for everything, for every providence for me, for all the powers of His grace in me! At Baratynskaya’s I prayed gracefully, peacefully, and heartily (in Kochubey’s house). I thank the Lord for your boldness in prayers in Peterhof and St. Petersburg (there was no Presanctified liturgy in Kronstadt). Evening. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of rebirth, help, deliverance, peace and boldness that were revealed in me today during Matins and after it at the Hours and Vespers and at Great Compline, at which I uttered by the grace of God with the greatest boldness the prayer of the Lord... and the final litany. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the aphid and cramped conditions of death when I repented of the vicious movement of the flesh and spirit from the caresses of women in the house of Mirnov. I thank the Lord, who performed the miracle of deliverance from the death of sin after a conversation with my sister-in-law (her proud conversion and dog-like friendship). God! My whole life is an unceasing miracle of Your mercy towards me and Your almighty power: You constantly raise me, the fallen, you save the sinner, you resurrect the dead (that is, me), you heal the contrite, the wounded, you soften the hard-hearted, you make the prodigal chaste, you make the envious and ill-willed benevolent, the self-seeking - unselfish, evil - simple, evil - kind and good, proud - humble, fearful - bold, weak and infirm - strong, bad - pure, darkened, you enlighten and every day you make me an enthusiastic singer of Your goodness, Your blessings, Your wisdom, truth and holiness, Your wonderful, unspeakable, terrible greatness and splendor, Your wonderful deeds in the kingdom of nature and grace in the members of Your Church, for whom, by Your grace and by their faith and trust, I have the happiness to pray. I am proud and self-pitying: I feel sorry for myself when I should hate myself. Metropolitan Isidore once received me sternly, obstinately, and I began to hate him - I regret that my pride was deeply hurt, insulted (and it is necessary to insult, without grief from him, the disgusting [narcissist], you will not get rid of it); or someone does something that is displeasing to my habit, my disposition, my passion, or does the opposite, albeit unintentionally, I immediately take offense both secretly and openly. There are countless cases of unsatisfied pride and because of this there are insults and anger, but it must be eradicated and everything must be willingly endured in order to crucify it. I thank the Lord, who has deigned to save me a hundredfold this day from the fierce wiles of the demons during the matins after the removal of the body of the deceased servant of God Pelagia (Paul Alex, mother-in-law) from the house of Walrondt, during the Mass of the Presanctified in the cathedral (a fierce temptation due to the large amount of incense in the censer) and many times in many houses before and after prayer services, especially in Golynsky’s apartment regarding the persecution [...]: grief at her (I prayed secretly in front of the icons). I thank the Lord for the gift of speech during the conversation with the Golynskys about the need for repentance. Friday and Saturday. The abyss of mercy, generosity and strength of the Lord has continued 123 to this day: incessant stumbling and incessant rebellion - and deliverance, pacification, revival by the grace of God. Irritation and voluptuous daydreaming; censer [...] excess of incense; demonic hostility towards Procopius because of this. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His immeasurable goodness, mercy and power when I served Sunday matins and mass and after them in the Assumption Church and then in the carriage and in the capital [...]. I thank the Lord for the multitude of deliverance, salvation, justification, righteousness, sincerity, tears of repentance given to me through the secret prayer of repentance both here and in the capital (with a sick Catholic or Lutheran Wilhelmina (the whole heterodox family)), and in Kronstadt with Lyutin, and at home (impure thoughts were clearly purified through secret prayer). I thank the Lord for boldness in prayers and calmness and triumph of spirit, especially in Commandant P. [B...] Adelson and in other apartments of the building and in General Ofrosimov. I thank the Lord for the victories of His grace and power and for the healings given continually, as I hear from those or those closest to those with whom or from whom I prayed. May Your power be made more and more perfect in our weaknesses, O Lord! (Morning April 7.) How many times and how quickly and life-givingly You delivered me, Lord, from my sins and from the snares of demons yesterday and today during Matins and Presanctified Liturgy! How tactile, peaceful, joyful! I thank You that You do not cease to surround me with the joys of deliverance for the sake of faith in You, for the sake of Your holy name, although I myself am unworthy of Your love for mankind and worthy of all condemnation and torment. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who snatched me from the jaws of hell, who through earthly lusts consumed me even during divine services (with violent thoughts): the Lord gave me tears of repentance, and with them I begged the Lord during the liturgy (eight hundred communicants). Tonight there is a strong thunderstorm: thunder, lightning, rain in buckets. I thank You, Lord, who surprised me with the miracles of Your mercy in Moscow after the temptation of my adversary in a dream in a sleeping car from an unclean dream, when I relaxed both in spirit and body and could hardly say prayers during the service of prayer services in the houses of Muscovites. With firm faith and tears of repentance, I was worthy of Your great mercy, and You granted me purification, justification and sanctification, righteousness, peace, boldness, strength of spirit and body. A particularly amazing miracle of Your mercy took place in the sight of the Holy Mysteries of [Your] most pure Body and Blood in the apartment of Lyubov Prokhorova, a sick woman, mother of the manufacturer Prokhorov, when I, with great faith in the presence of the Lord in these Mysteries, cried out to Him secretly with a heartfelt cry for mercy, cleansing, sanctification, healing, strengthening the wavering legs of my soul: truly all of You, all of Your greatness, all Your power, all Your holiness, all Your mercy, all Your strength and power are hidden in the Holy Mysteries. I thank You, Lord, for attracting all Your believing people to me and in Moscow, for their joyful, zealous reception of me and for their zeal for my prayers, for their trust in me, for their generosity to me, for their generous farewell to me at the Moscow station. Everywhere you save me, unworthy, have mercy, glorify me. Glory to You forever and ever. Amen. God! I thank You, for You were also in these days my Intercessor, Savior and Deliverer, when the clerk Nikitin spoke insolence to me in his pride, humiliating his brother Kiselyov and saying: “You want to listen to all sorts of rubbish.” Meanwhile, he, Nikitin, contributed slander to both Kiselev and me, as if Kiselev asked to come to me as a psalm-reader and I want to accept him, and remove Nikitin. I was very indignant at Nikitin’s insult, which was unjustly inflicted on Kiselyov, and only after secret prayer to the Lord did I get rid of confusion and received peace and confessed to the laity. During a long confession, the Lord repeatedly saved me as I fell before His throne. And upon arriving home, when I remembered Nikitin’s envy and malice, I was again indignant, and cramped conditions and sorrow overcame me, because there was a shadow of malice and envy towards him in me, and when I secretly called on the name of the Lord and, with the action of my hand, squeezed and pressed my stomach with my gum, the enemy’s malice left me and I completely calmed down and was healed. Glory to the wonders of Your salvation, O Lord, and to the re-existence of Your salvation. Amen, amen, amen. Deal with your enemies kindly, calmly, unperturbed, remembering that they are weak people, although harmful to others and, most importantly, to themselves, so that they respect you, seeing you calm and gentle, and you would preserve your human and Christian dignity before God and people, and preserve your health and consistent, correct action. Do not give weapons into the hands of enemies, visible and invisible, against yourself - I mean your confusion and irritation in action against them, but defeat them with calmness and meekness and prudent, measured action. Then you will see their rear. I thank the Lord for the abyss of His mercy and the miracles of His power in me during morning services (matins and early lunches) and at all hours of the day and evening. Belial the adversary inflicted an abyss of spiritual ulcers on me - the Lord performed an abyss of healings in me and immeasurably consoled me, giving me hope upon hope, joy upon the joy of my salvation. Palm Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for Your many wonderful benefits to me, a sinner, in the forgiveness of my sins and my inclinations into evil and voluptuousness. I thank You, for You delivered me from sinful flattery and truly set my feet and the feet of my soul in righteousness and did not betray me to the power and torment of the devil. Glory to Your all-holy name, who continually works wonders in me. Great Monday. Having had my fill of communion of the Holy Mysteries (the Holy Lamb was large in size) in the Church of the House of Diligence, going to St. Petersburg, before the prayer service at Princess Wittginstein on Sergievskaya Street (I read the Gospel perfectly well and sang well) I was in the grave temptation of embarrassment and crowding due to the awkwardness of Zybin the student and the crowd of people and thought that I would be completely confused and would not be able to serve prayer service But glory to faith and trust in the Lord! The Lord, for my secret repentance and faith in Him, the Most Merciful, did not abandon me and, through my secret prayer, immediately quickly gave me a helping hand. But then, after the prayer service, the hostess invited me to have a snack - I went and ate a pie with fish and filled with vizig, and was completely fed up. After this, what happened? I had to be baptized by a gentleman (in the presence of the public) on Kirochnaya Street, and I could not say prayers; with the greatest effort it was necessary to repeat the same words so as not to stop reading the prayers at all, and barely at one o’clock I finished the Sacrament! Lack of faith, coldness, aversion to prayer, a kind of contempt for everything sacred, suspicion, laziness of heart, a terrible reluctance to sacred work, a petrified insensibility of the sublimity and importance of the content of prayers took complete possession of me; I was an inexcusable slave, a miserable captive of the devil and my own passions, and I didn’t know what to do, where to go. With the greatest difficulty, I somehow finished reading the prayers. Immediately [T...] embarrassed me with her demands on some Ignatieva, who had lost her son, who accidentally shot himself in Paris - a lot confused me, in a word, the shadow of death fell over me. This is what satiety means. What does it lead to? This is how the devil deceives me, especially on such days of the Lord’s Passion! At night on the same day, desecration occurred in a dream, I don’t know how, from satiety! Oh, sins, sins! Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me according to Your great mercy, and according to the multitude of Your compassions, cleanse my iniquity, O Lord [Ps.50:3]! You want the crosses to shine and not fade from incense (that’s why you don’t like incense), from smoke and water (although water enlightens and cleanses) - but it is gold that is superfluous, you don’t need shine; the enemy laughs at you, your madness, vanity, and confuses, and disgraces, and oppresses you. All jewelry made of gold, silver, precious stones and multi-colored materials, silk and velvet should be considered trash. One Christ is our eternal, vital adornment, He alone is the incorruptible treasure of our souls; One must cleave to Him with all one’s heart, without reserve, undividedly, every minute. I thank You, Lord, for You have performed in me many miracles of salvation through Your holy name: both in the carriage many times, and in the houses, and on the ship of Britnev, when I secretly called on You in repentance and marked my womb with the finger of Your name. The demons disappeared like smoke. Maundy Thursday. I thank You, for You delivered me from the snares of demons and my sins and granted me to sincerely read the canon of Maundy Thursday [at] Matins and perform the early Liturgy and give communion to one thousand three hundred people. At Matins on Good Friday, I read the twelve Gospels very badly: powerlessness, apathy of heart; the lofty speech of the Savior’s love did not fit into my sinful, nasty, passionate heart; I skipped many of the Savior’s speeches, entire passages, and I completely shortened the first passionate Gospel, and I read the other Gospels poorly, except for the third. Father Alexander was alone with me. This is from gluttony and all my passions. I sinned before the Lord. The enemy gradually overcame me over the years and continued to do so for years, interrupting me during the reading of the Gospels at prayer services. God! Grant me the grace to [overcome] the adversary and read everything without stumbling, heartily, strongly, firmly, calmly, unhurriedly. Wake up! Good Friday. He sinned, he sinned: he did the work of the Lord - the work of communing the sick and confessing sinners - reluctantly, with annoyance and carelessness, feeling sorry for himself, pleasing himself, not rejecting himself, his passions. But we need to do these things willingly, with joy, with humility, with zeal, expecting from Christ, as the Chief Shepherd, reward for our labors, for our labor is not in vain before the Lord [1 Cor. 15:58] and when the Chief Shepherd appears, we will receive an unfading crown of glory for our diligent service [1 Pet. 5:4]. I condemn myself in negligence, reluctance and compulsion, laziness, self-indulgence, carnality, gluttony, greed, pride, disregard for others and their eternal salvation. I thank You, Lord, because next to the multitude of my iniquities and the manifestation of my wild passions and the punishment for them, You immediately showed in me Your salvation from them, when I brought You repentance in humility of heart, and Your sweet peace with spiritual righteousness, love and spiritual space gave me tuna, according to Your immeasurable goodness. I see, Lord, how indecent I am, corrupted by sin of every kind, cursed, poor, poor, blind and naked. Here are your people and all of humanity - enlighten them, have mercy on them, cleanse them, establish them in the right, deliver them from the countless snares of the evil ruler of the world, just as you have mercy on me and save me from his snares, enlighten, justify, confirm. Bright Easter day. I thank the Lord, who graciously, quickly, and solemnly delivered me from the devil’s anger (against Nikolai Konstantinovich Turkin, who stood at the altar and, with his blessing, did not kiss my hand), which instantly secretly arose in my bad heart. I venerated myself repeatedly with faith in repentance to the holy throne and by faith in the Lord I was saved by His name, having been delivered from the deadly sting of Satan. Glory to the Lord! And on April 22, the Lord saved me many times by calling on His name. Evening. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from the snares of demons during mass, from overpowering earthly addictions and for the gift of dispassion, peace, freedom, heavenly gaze and heartfelt tenderness. [Forgive] me, Lord, my sinful tendencies towards hostility towards the rector for not waiting for me to join the journey to the parish (I was the next one and slowed down in the church): You [quenched] in me with Your grace all hostility. I thank You that You extinguished the fiery lusts in me and did not allow them to manifest themselves, but extinguished them. I thank the Lord, my wonderful Savior, who constantly saved me these days from sinful impulses and passions and gave me rightness of heart, peace and spiritual freedom, destroyed hostility to the enemy and gave me kindness and silence to my heart. With love and prayer of love for the God of love, correct those who are faulty and idle, in laziness and inaction, and not with enmity and hostility towards them, not benefit and correction, but harm and great hostility generating between you and those living incorrectly. Oh, may the Lord turn my lazy ones from cards and fortune-tellers (magic books), from empty and immoral books to deeds for the benefit of soul and body; they live every day in the great darkness of unreason and alienation from God; Let them not eat the bread of my labor and the gifts of Your goodness, and let them practice in deeds of mercy and love, for You will exact from them for every day and hour spent in laziness, and You will demand good deeds from everyone, and You will throw those who are fruitless and have only leaves into the unquenchable fire. Despise the flesh, it will pass away 124. We must despise all carnal passions and lusts, for the flesh constantly teaches us to despise God and the immortal soul, or, more correctly, the devil acting in the flesh. Crucify the flesh with its passions and lusts, according to the Gospel [Gal.5:24]. I thank the Lord, who constantly saved me and assisted me in my ministry here and in the capital; especially Count Sergei Tolstoy gave me a living word. Only out of condescension for our weakness, the Lord left the appearance and taste of bread and wine in communion, without transforming it into the taste of real Flesh and Blood, for for the Almighty, who did everything with one word, it would be easy to do this, but not everyone is able to taste living Flesh and Blood. Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank You, Lord, for Your hasty obedience to me and for deliverance from sinful tendencies, for the gift of rightness of spirit and peace of mind and for success in prayers. I thank You for the great, heartfelt trust in me throughout Your people through the fulfillment everywhere and always of my humble and unworthy prayers for them during the Liturgy in the church and outside the church, in their homes. Wonderful is the trust in me of Your people of all ages, ranks and conditions and of both sexes. Wonderful is the magnet of Your grace, O Lord, attracting everyone to me, just as iron is attracted by a magnet. Oh, how precious is Your grace - more than anything else in the world! Nothing precious and beautiful and desirable in the world can compare with her: she is vital, peaceful, bright, beautiful, sweet, good, fragrant, like You, Lord. How Your people strive for it - like a waterfall in its channel, like streams of great waters strive downstream! Sunday. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from the poisonous remorse of the hellish serpent, and for the gift of spiritual peace, health, righteousness, boldness, abundant tears of tenderness during the liturgy, and for the gift of life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries (served with Hieromonk Macarius of the Vologda province). Monday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of the transformation of my soul by the grace of Your Holy Spirit in Kronstadt during matins and liturgy (tears of tenderness) and in the capital in different houses through secret prayer of repentance for secretly committed sins (murmur, grief and others), and for the granting of rightness of heart, peace and freedom of spirit, and for boldness in prayers. Excessive eating (especially drinking wine) is the scourge of prayer, its ruin. Be extremely self-controlled and do not offend the grace of the Holy Spirit. Glory to all Your miracles, O Lord, in me and in Your faithful people. Amen. Alleluia. Wonderfully, gloriously you work miracles, You are our God [Ps. 76:15]. I thank You, Lord, the all-merciful Benefactor, for Your wonderful, good, sovereign mercies with me, as soon for my secret repentance you boiled, washed and cleansed me from the sinful, unclean tendencies with which I slipped inside in the carriage. Your special, great mercy appeared in me at the braided manufacturer Vasiliev outside the Moscow Gate: his baby Sergius, my godson, was sick; but in other places, too, the Lord wonderfully and gloriously performed miracles in me—in a word, he certainly performed miracles of mercy and purification. First of all, in churches the Lord performed great miracles of mercy in me: in the Church of St. Andrew the Apostle and in the Church of the Assumption in the Duma during Matins and Mass (annoyance at the family dog, a dirty trickster, and at Tsvetkova, the owner of the dog; acute temptation). Many times, O all-merciful Lord, you have boiled and taken away my sins from me even to this day, miraculously renewing me, who had become dilapidated by secret falls. When I cried out to You with all my soul in repentance, You condescended to me and revived me, killed and severely wounded, both in the church, and in the houses of the capital, and in the carriage, and on the ship. Wonderful is the richness of Your all-redemptive passions, endured for us, and of Your death, by which our fierce death was slain and hell was captured, O omnivorous. We gratefully confess, O our Lord, O Lord, Thy mercies that surpass all understanding. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from sins and acute, fiery temptations of the enemy in the church during matins (cathedral) and early mass (Assumption Church), in houses, and on a ship, and in a carriage. Glory to His mercy and long-suffering, His truth and eternal sanctity, leading us sinners to the sanctuary. “The Lord knows those who are His”; and: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Tim. 2:19]. The will of God is your sanctification, that you abstain from fornication; so that each of you knows how to keep his vessel (bodily) in holiness and honor [1 Thess. 4:3-4]. I saw, Lord, the power of your life-giving Mysteries, which I had just received during the liturgy, both in myself and in the demon-possessed woman, who was tormented by demons for a long time, both at that time and much earlier; I saw how they suffered and roared from the laying of my hand and both hands on their heads and especially on their bellies, where they nested; the whole church saw Your life-giving power, Lord, and the demons, destructive and terrible, scorching; The demoniac was healed (she suffered for twenty years). I thank You, Lord, for Your powers, revealed in me, Lord, all day long - the powers of deliverance, salvation, peace, boldness, renewal - both in the church, and on the ship, and in homes. Who is God as great as our God? Thou art the God who works miracles: Thou hast said Thy power among men [Ps. 77:14–15]. What can resist Your power? – No demonic force, no force of nature. Glorified are You, O Lord, throughout all generations, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen. I will not stop praising and thanking You. Saturday. I thank the Lord for my merciful deliverance from the acute, poisonous, fiery remorse of Satan during Matins (in the cathedral) and during Mass (in the Assumption Church) before, during and after communion. (My soul, miraculously, constantly revived by the faithful communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, but by unfaithful or lacking [communion] - killed, tormented by the action and deceit of the enemy - praise the Lord, Benefactor and Savior without silence). After the stolen release, the serpent of hell, the serpent of the abyss always inflicts ulcers on me with his teeth, but the Lord always heals. Glory to His mercy! Oh, when will I serve the Lord without stumbling! You see my jealousy, Lord! I am ready to praise You day and night. Teach me to burn before You unceasingly, like a flame of fire. I thank the Lord for the constant, sovereign, speedy deliverance from all demonic intrigues and attacks during the late mass in the Church of the House of Diligence, from home in Kronstadt, on the ship and in the capital. I don’t need to drink wine, maybe a little. Away with partiality and self-interest - they are the scourge of prayer, its death. I thank You, Lord, as You have greatly, greatly disposed the hearts of all towards me for the increase of Your grace in me for the sake of Your presence in me through frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, through frequent temptations and cleansing by Your grace for my humble prayers before You, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world. Demidov House [...] of girls and workers. How much zeal for me there is in everyone, especially in the pure girls, and in the priest, and the deacon, and the boss, and all the sisters! I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your obedience and mercy towards me, a sinner, both here, and in St. Petersburg, and in Moscow, for the miracles of justification, righteousness and peace of heart, and for success in prayers, and for the disposition towards me, unworthy, of the hearts of Your people, for their thirst for Your grace and prayers to You, God and Creator and Savior of all. I thank you for material success, for giving external worldly benefits. Sunday. Coronation 125. How great, quick, unceasing, sovereign, saving miracles You perform in me, Lord Jesus Christ, in Your holy name! I did not partake of Your Holy Mysteries for five days and became weakened in spirit and body (I was in Moscow for four days); I served early mass in the cathedral, feeling the extreme weakness of my soul, and after struggles with invisible enemies and after tears of tenderness, You allowed me to partake without condemnation of my revival and renewal. But what did You do to me in the carriage and especially in the carriage when I was traveling with the old man [M. S. Zaitsevsky] to Molchanova! I was in captivity by invisible enemies who captivated my soul, and by secretly calling on Your name with repentance I was soon delivered, the bonds of my sin were resolved, I received peace, freedom, boldness, spiritual strength and prayed with Molchanova with boldness. And then on the ship I was saved several times by Your name. Thank You, Most Holy Lord! (At [Zaitsevsky] in Strelna, I became very [...] in spirit weakened in the capital.) Monday. I thank the Lord for constant deliverance from temptations, sins, and spiritual troubles from morning to evening in Kronstadt, in the capital, and for boldness and strength in prayers. I thank the Lord, who surprised me a hundredfold with His great mercy in delivering me from the burden and tightness of sins and in promptly obeying my secret and open prayers. How life-giving, and saving, and powerful, and terrifying to demons is Your name. Glory to You! I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your deliverance and Your mercy, revealed in me in these days from early morning until late evening, both in Kronstadt, and in the capital, and in Tsarskoe Selo (especially at Mrs. Baranova’s - a prayer service was firmly served). I thank the Lord for countless deliverance from demonic snares and sinful encroachments through the power of grace for calling on His secret name with all my heart. I thank the Lord for the warm weather and abundant rain, beneficial for plants, for the fragrance of the earth’s vegetation. It was cold until May 20 - now it’s warm. Sunday. I thank You, Lord, for the wonderful deliverance from my sins and from the teeth of the hellish dragon in the apartment of the galloon master Vasilyev (the baby Sergius was very sick) through a secret prayer of repentance and in the apartment of the clerk P. Stepanovich [Bochagov] (on Nevsky Prospekt near Znamenya, not far from the Nevsky Lavra, in the courtyard) also through a secret prayer of repentance in grief and falling away from love through the desire for self-interest: the man was poor, I despised and humiliated him in my soul, going to him. During and after early mass, from how many secret falls into sin and from the poisonous remorse of the devil the Lord delivered me - there is no number of this deliverance: so frequent are the attacks and woundings of disembodied enemies who destroy us with the earthly passions of our earthly, corruptible, and evil, self-loving, voluptuous, self-seeking hearts! Monday. I thank You with all my being, the omnipotent deliverer of the Lord Jesus Christ, for deliverance from confusion and distress due to the evil attack on me by Muratova, the misanthrope, who is at war with hellish forces against her aunt Kiriakova. You delivered me in the apartment of Evdokia Semyonovna Morozova, then on the ship, in the carriage (I languished there for a long time and was not delivered for a long time), and especially upon arriving home from the ship, where she, Muratova, viciously bit me all the way as the ship passed (a strong storm). What a victory over the passions [and] the powers of hell the Lord created at home in the first hour of the night! Wonderful is Your salvation, Lord! I got rid of the devil’s malice, which attacked me terribly and tormented me extremely. I slept great. I saw a storm and a crash. Everyone was saved. Glory to Your power, O Lord, which trampled and destroyed hell. Deliver, O Lord, Thy servant E.I., who serves the lusts of hell and is terribly in misery. Remember her something good done to Your church and Your servants, and sober her up from the intoxication of the passions of malice, envy, jealousy, arrogance and insolence. Send her illness, illness, so that she may come to her senses and improve, or remove her far from the city in which I live and praise Your goodness, in which I am saved - she is Your enemy, Lord, and people. I glorify the wondrous, speedy, sovereign intercession of my Lord Jesus Christ at every time of the day and night, in every place: in the church during and after the service, and outside the church in the city of Kronstadt, and in the capital, and on the ship, and in the carriage, and in the carriage, and in the houses where I prayed (in the apartment [...] of Count Bobrinsky), and behind the Narva outpost (at Serebryakov). How wonderful and saving is Your name, O Lord, called upon with faith, in repentance, diligently, with all your heart! How his devil trembles! How it cleanses sins, drives away demons, drives away the confusion of sins and passions, crowding, darkness and gives peace, space, light to the soul, silence and tranquility. But how great, how deadly, how terrible is the torment of the devil and the passions inflicted on our souls and bodies, how powerful is the scorching flame of the passions! What iron, fiery, tormenting rings of hell and Satan surround the poor soul! And the Lord quickly stops all this torment for the sake of His name, when we sincerely call upon him in genuine repentance. Glory to Your name, Lord! Glory to Your intercession, glory to Your power and might, O Lord, King of all! And today You have taken me, Lord, many times from the jaws of hell: in church during mass, on the ship, in the capital, in Zavolotsky’s apartment (near the Church of Simeon the God-Receiver), during a country trip to Shuvalovo, when with particular force and for a long time I suffered, seeing Muratova riding behind me, and on the way back, in N.’s apartment with Zybin, and especially at home before bed, when the enemy is very put a lot of pressure on me, tormented me, embarrassed me. Glory to Your invincible power, Lord! (May 26, morning.) Glory to Thee, my shameless hope, Lord! Thursday. I thank You, Lord, for from everywhere, from many, I hear statements about Your wonderful mercies, which You surprised everywhere where I, unworthy, sinful and weak, called on Your great and glorious name. This strengthens faith and trust in me and in Your people and spreads Your glory throughout the whole earth. You are God, wonderfully and gloriously, and now you work miracles [Ps. 76:15], as in ancient times and always. Glory to Your glorious name, Lord Jesus Christ, and glory to my salvation in Your name, for through it the deadly arrows of disembodied enemies have been crushed many times over in my soul and peace has been granted to me. I thank You, Lord, for in Your name many miracles of Your mercy and power took place in me in these days, when in repentance I called upon You, the God of my life and salvation. And perform miracles in everyone, O Lord, in Your glorious name. And today, in Your name, Lord, miracles of mercy and salvation have happened in me. Glory to Thee, mercy of the abyss, Lord, All-Benefactor and Savior! Save the world, Lord, perishing in evil, terribly in misery in passions. The Lord has done countless mercies to me in His name, delivering me many times over from the sinful inclinations and snares of the devil, from the heavy sinful movements of the flesh and spirit. Glory to the Lord! 2 and 3 was in Moscow. I thank the Lord for preparing the hearts of Muscovites to warmly accept me and for success in prayers. I had an upset stomach and a very weak voice. I thank the Lord for the gifts of His mercy, goodness, peace of my soul, healing it. On June 6, the Lord performed with me great miracles of mercy, good obedience, forgiveness, healing of my soul, confused and wounded for grief and anger at a woman who undertook to show the way to the homeowner and summer resident Nikolai Ivanovich Sobolev and who did not know the direct path to him. I repented of my participation in the devil’s malice, asked for a good change in my heart, kindness, patience, condescension to human errors - and I completely changed, became pleased, pacified, became bold and prayed very sincerely with Sobolev, who [...]. I thank You, Lord, for You performed a miracle of Your mercy on me in St. Petersburg in the apartment and in the house of Mr. [Galeev] (Morskaya Bolshaya, No. 48) before the Sacrament of Baptism of the baby Nicholas in the presence of counts and generals, granting me forgiveness of sins, removal of cramped conditions and embarrassment, and great boldness in performing the Sacrament; then in Yusupova’s house with the gentlemen Counts Sumarokovs, I thank the Lord for the countless mercies of deliverance from my sins, for the cleansing, sanctification, pacification of my soul, for the tears of tenderness, for the grace of prayer. God! Grant the same grace to all Your people! Let them know You and their sins, let them sincerely repent, cry, beg You, the All-Good One, for their sins, be corrected by Your grace and stand on the rock of Your holy and blessed commandments. Amen. I sinned against the Lord: from haste during the service of numerous prayers of the shortest, I lied with my heart and lips, not pronouncing many words and names, or pronouncing them insincerely, not from the heart. I thank the Lord for repeated, unceasing deliverance from the sinful tendencies of my heart and my thoughts and for the gift of righteousness, holiness, and truth to my soul; I thank the Lord for his help in serving His infinite shrine, truth and goodness. Trinity day. God! Heal my larynx and grant it grace and sweetness, for for several days now I have been suffering from weakness, and my larynx is weak, powerless and somewhat painful. Create the joy of healing for me, an unworthy one, so that I can usually bring You thanks and praise from the bottom of my heart. Forgive and cleanse my sins, O Lord, according to Your great mercy. From You, Lord, I directly expect healing, and not from earthly healing, for I do not serve You 126, but personally, the only Lord and Physician of all, and I partake of Your most pure and life-giving Mysteries, Your most pure Body and Blood. Amen. Accept this prayer of mine and hear me, Lord! Do for me all Your desires, teach me and grant me. I thank the Lord (on the Day of the Holy Spirit) for your help, mercy and generosity during the celebration of the Mystery of Baptism in the apartment of Princess Vyazemskaya in the house [...] on Mytninskaya (Petersburg side) and for help during prayer services. God! I am going to Moscow, Your first throne city, to Prince Yusupov, at whose house You surprised Your great, Divine mercy; Surprise also Your mercy on his daughter Tatiana, who is very sick, and glorify Your great name. Amen. Establish and You, rivers: Amen. Wake up. And let it be, Lord! And I will glorify You, Lord! On the 16th and 17th I was in Moscow and further along the Nizhny Novgorod railway in the large village of Orekhovo (there were many factories of Morozov the schismatic). I thank the Lord for His countless mercies shown to me in delivering me from all sinful tendencies and in giving me the rightness of heart and the grace of prayer. However, I was very weak in heart from not serving the liturgy and not receiving the Holy Mysteries. On the 19th, early Sunday mass was celebrated in the cathedral. The voice is clear and loud after yesterday’s bath (from heavy sweating and perspiration). After communion, I was renewed in spirit and body. I thank the Lord for delivering me from sinful tendencies and for giving me the longed-for righteousness and purity. Grant me, Lord, to acquire and maintain unfeigned love for all people and for enemies according to Your commandment [Matthew 5:44, etc.]. Humble, O Lord, all my enemies (and [...] the forester who stifles [the building]. Yours, O Lord, is the earth and what fills it [Ps. 88:12]. Why does he prevent you from taking the earth to make bricks?). Monday (All Saints). How much deliverance from early morning (matins and early mass) today, how much deliverance from the clutches of the devil, from the oppression and shame of passions! How many gifts of righteousness, victory over enemies, peace, freedom, boldness - it is impossible to count! How quickly help came to me in the name of the Lord, when I called on Him in repentance and realized Him in my heart, vividly imagining Him within myself, inside me. I rejoice and rejoice in Your salvation, Lord! Sin is tireless, annoying, painful [works] in us at all times, arrogant, ferocious, absurd, ugly, captivating us with sweets more than anything else, for we are all greedy for sweets. Sunday of All Saints. They are alive, but we who live on earth are dead, because we are sinners, and the rent of sin is death [Rom. 6:23], but they are holy and therefore alive. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for with Him all are alive [Luke 20:38]. How many deliverances, deliverances, salvation, pacification, renewal, expansion of the soul, restoration of spiritual being, justification, sanctification, deification the Lord created for me in these days, especially during the time and according to the liturgy, cannot be expressed by the multitude and greatness of salvation. Glory to Thee, Lord! Save me, Lord, and everything that I have. I set out on a long journey with Your blessing. Bless me to return in peace, Lord! Wake up! Amen. Until July 19, he was absent from his homeland, where he founded a stone church for the glory of God and in honor of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker. During all the days of traveling forward and back, the Lord wonderfully kept me from sins and invisible enemies, delivering me from their snares and snares, and was with me. On July 21, the Lord vouchsafed me to perform the Liturgy in the weakness of the flesh and spirit and to partake of the Holy Mysteries. After mass, a girl guilty of prodigal sin came up to confess, and prodigal thoughts and feelings were aroused in me at the imagination of sin, sympathy and voluptuousness arose in me. I retired to the altar and repented before the Holy Mysteries and got rid of... Oh, how voluptuous and prodigal I am! Friday. How weakened I was in spirit and body from the [long] journey to the Arkhangelsk province (about four weeks) and from the long period of non-service and non-communion of the Holy Mysteries! What a tendency towards sensuality in the soul! What a difficult internal battle with the attacking demons, with their malice, impurity, adultery, deceit, covetousness, laziness and other passions! What a cold, weak, unsympathetic prayer! Where is the ardent love for God, for people whom God loved so much that He gave His only begotten Son for them, so that whoever believes in Him would not perish, but have eternal life [John 3:16]! Grant me always to burn, to burn with heavenly love, O Lord my God! Otherwise, what kind of priest am I? Burning in spirit; the Lord working [Rom.12:11]. Evening. I thank the Lord, who created in me for faith and tears of repentance and for trusting in His mercy a complete victory over sins and over invisible enemies during the liturgy after the offering and communion of the Bloodless Sacrifice. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit slowly, with great boldness, but before the fear of the devil did not allow me and put me to shame; I said all the release, but before I hid it. At Rusanov’s prayer service I sang and read the Gospel very well, but before my voice trembled and I hid my reading. Glory to Thee, Lord! Glory to Thee, Lord, for the constant blessings and renewals of Thy grace in me. Saturday. For a thousand deliverances, so many thanks to the Lord. Oh, how vigilant and persistent, how compelling the disembodied enemy is to sin! How tirelessly and slyly he strives to destroy me with the charms of this world! Only the name of the Lord, only the Lord saves me from the abyss, when I call upon Him, when I firmly oppose His name, His being, to sin. How many times, both during and outside of worship, the enemy enticed me with charms and how close I was to sin! Glory to You, Lord, my Guardian and Savior and Protector at all times and at every hour! How wonderful, how saving, how powerful, how glorious is Your name! How the demons tremble and weakly [stand] before him, and all the unclean thoughts and movements of the heart, and all the delights of sin! So let it be with every Christian, Lord! Help everyone, save everyone, protect everyone! God! With what love and trust of Your people You have surrounded and surround me everywhere, and, apparently, the more sinful and weaker and worse I am, You love me more than anyone else and protect and help me. Wonderful is Your goodness, Your love, Your providence for me. But where can I go, small, insignificant, sinful, powerless in myself, but strong only by You, where can I go with such an abyss of trust and disposition of the hearts of Your people towards me? You Yourself continually help me in my weaknesses, in my weak prayers for Your people and for me, a sinner, according to what is written: My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness [2 Cor. 12:9]. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles, truly the miracles of all Russia’s trust in me for the sake of faith in You and their trust in me [for the sake of] the signs of healing You performed in them. I thank You for the abundance of material offerings they brought to me for the benefit of Your poor people, and for the creation and maintenance of charitable institutions in the city where I live, and for the construction of a plinth church 127 in my homeland, and for supplying it with everything needed, and for the maintenance and decoration of myself, for I am dressed and shod from head to toe in the best clothes, like a king or some richest man. This is Your rich and red Providence for me, Your kindness has been done to me for my small labors. You constantly work in me miracles of deliverance, salvation, cleansing, sanctification, renewal, peace, freedom and boldness - every day, every hour. I am a miracle of miracles to myself for Your sake, for Your sake, for the sake of the forces that take place in me every hour! How will I thank You, how will I love You for such Your Divine love and Your wonderful Providence for me and for those who believe in You? What will I bring to you, what will I repay to you, O most gifted, immortal King? Only confession of Your miracles in the voice of praise, only slavish worship in contrition of heart about my sins, about my unfaithfulness to You, about my lack of correction, about my falls and prayer, that You may also lead me to perfection in the image of my destinies. Amen. I thank the Lord, who has prospered me in my spiritual life and in my prayers, in delivering me from sins and the snares of demons, when in repentance I called on His name with faith and applied it to my heart; the passions of the heart were cut off like a knife, and I became peaceful and free. I thank the Lord for my great boldness in prayers with Her Majesty the Queen of Greece and her mother, Grand Duchess Alexandra 128. How wonderful, holy, glorious, saving and terrible is Your name, Lord! How much power, deliverance, truth, salvation, peace and freedom is hidden in it! How much sweetness and spiritual bliss it contains! I thank the Lord for this day – the day of constant help and salvation. Glory to Your all-saving name, Lord! I was behind the Nevskaya Zastava to give communion to the sick servant of God Anna, who died peacefully before my arrival. In Oranienbaum I visited Rusanov. He dined and, by the grace of God, arranged a matter in favor of Father Gabriel (about the Rusakovsky land, which was used by the church and cemetery). This day was a day of constant help to me from my Lord Jesus Christ, deliverance, salvation, justification, cleansing, sanctification, peace and freedom. I thank the Lord. I praise the Lord. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! Be patient with me too, a sinner, correct and perfect me, Lord! These days were days of God’s great mercy for me, deliverance and unceasing salvation. Glory to Thee, all-kind, long-suffering and quick-to-obey Lord of my life! I thank You for the joy of deliverance from my invisible enemies. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the countless, wonderful, sovereign salvation of my weakness and for crushing the jaws of my mental enemies, who seek to devour me completely and bring me to hell alive. Until now I have been unfaithful to the Lord, unsteady, weak in virtue, prone to every sin. Glory to the abundance of God’s grace, the generosity of His love for mankind, kindness and long-suffering towards me, unworthy and indecent. Glory to the power of His invincible right hand, which rescues me from every mire of sins. And today the name of the Lord worked miracles in me, performing miracles of restoration, salvation, deliverance and renewal, peace, freedom, boldness, strengthening. An abyss of mental ulcers from sins! An abyss of healings from the Lord, the all-good and all-powerful Physician! Glory to Thee, Lord! Who is God? I will put on You with faith and repentance and I will be saved, and I will always be saved. Glory to You, inexhaustible treasure of mercy and salvation, open to all believers and repentants. Admire, all people, this unhidden treasure, incorruptible, incorruptible, gracious, eternally abiding. I thank the Lord for the strength of His mercy towards me, a sinner, and for the multitude of Divine powers in delivering me from my countless infirmities and sorrows caused by ethereal villains during an early mass in the Church of the House of Diligence, and then while traveling. I thank the Lord for the boldness in prayer when visiting various houses in [old] Peterhof (Aristov, Mordvinov and others) and for the material bounty. Did you say the words of prayer for words only or for deeds? Action is needed, not just words. The heart must be put into words (their heart is far from Me; but in vain they worship Me [Matthew 15:8-9]). Twelve o'clock. I thank the Lord for continuous mercy throughout the day. Glory to His name, which always works miracles; O Lord and Master of our life, perform miracles such as in me, in all people, in all Christian people and in the whole world! Amen. I thank the Lord for my constant deliverance from the sins of thought, lust, and grief after my incessant stumblings. O heart corrupted by sin, the source of all corrupting passions! When will your source dry up? When will I achieve blissful purity? God! Create in me a pure heart... and renew a right spirit in my womb [Ps.50:12]. O heart, my heart! You constantly betray the God of hearts, God, who is eternal, imperishable, holy love, original beauty, incomparable, endless sweetness, imperishable, immeasurable wisdom, who has ordered and beautified all creatures in heaven and earth! Do not be seduced by the corruptible, disappearing, replaced by ugliness, worms and dust, the beauty of the flesh, which the charming serpent flirts with, deceitfully stealing you from you and from God and making you his prey, his food, his accomplice in eternal torment for your reproach of the image of God, inscribed incorruptibly in your soul and giving beauty to your corruptible body. Love souls, not bodies, immortal souls, and save them from corruption. This day was a day of internal struggle, weakness, coldness, until the Lord showed His mercy and power in me for faith and repentance, along with my struggle against sin. Then the rest of the day was also a day of temptation, struggle and help, victory, peace. Glory to the Lord! What if it weren’t for Your gracious help and Your intercession, O Lord, every day and hour? Satan would drag me with his charms and his incessant violence into the abyss of hell, which he himself trembles at! - so great is our fall and our inclination to all sin, so great is our voluptuousness, so great are the temptations of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life and the desire for all wickedness. Our heart is full of all kinds of impurities and, like a cauldron, boils and seethes with all sorts of sins. Oh, damnation, poverty, misery, blindness and nakedness of fallen and corrupted by the sins of human nature! Oh, how dear You are to us, our Savior, how necessary we are at every moment, so that, saved by You, purified by You, enlightened by You, sanctified, - by You we live, stand and strengthen ourselves, by You and in You we have peace, victory, success, by You we become perfected, by You and through You we ascend to eternal life and endless bliss. No good thing lives in me, that is, in my flesh [Rom.7:18]. And we also feed it with all sorts of delightful and stimulating foods and drinks, we strengthen this beast, which always seeks to devour and defile our soul and make it the prey of eternal fire, whereas it should be humbled and strengthened by fasting, vigil, and unceasing prayer. Where is the reason and meaning in you? Where is the Christian, evangelical life? Where is the strictness of purity of morals? Where are the Christian virtues, for the fulfillment of which we have been given all the means, every kindness, and help? I thank the Lord, who delivered me from acute temptations and inclinations towards anger towards Father Superior Paul and from sensual lusts. I secretly repented, applied His name to my heart - and my sins scattered, disappeared, and spiritual death disappeared with them, and peace and spaciousness were established. So all day long the Lord delivered from the attacks of dead sins. From early morning until late evening and into the night, You have been beneficial to me, Lord, incessantly, now delivering me from severe sins, now helping me in prayer, now winning over me thousands of hearts of Your people, who revere You and, for Your sake, sincerely honor and love me. Glory to Your Divine love, with which You loved the human race, intimate and natural to You according to Your humanity, our God! (A crowd of thousands of people gathered at the house of the ruler of the clergy, eager to see me, unworthy, and from me to receive a sign of God’s blessing.) I thank the Lord for constant help and salvation and for the strength of boldness in prayers in the homes of Your faithful (with Mrs. Greig Alexandra Petrovna and Elisaveta Vasilievna Durazina at the dacha in Oranienbaum). I also commemorate the fact that before the prayer services, by faith, repentance and secret prayer to the Lord, I overcame the evil temptations and evil and selfish desires that confused and oppressed me, and after that I received from the Lord the great grace of boldness in prayer. (The captain’s wife, an acquaintance, nodded coldly to me when I greeted her, and was secretly offended by this, when I should have prayed for her with love.) I thank the Lord, who delivered me and preserved me from all iniquity. Christians and Christian women who want to partake of the Holy Mysteries must passionately love Christ, like a bride to the groom, for Christ is betrothed to our souls in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. Christian soul! When the devil seduces you with the pleasure of sin, even if momentary, imagine higher, spiritual pleasures that come from all virtue, pure, imperishable, imperishable, eternal pleasures. People forget this and are captivated by the sweets of sin, which are always accompanied by bitterness and remorse or bodily illnesses and embarrassment. How many rebirths of salvation the Lord has accomplished in me today: there is no number of times how many times the Lord has made me, dead by sins, alive both in the morning, and in the afternoon, and in the evening (at matins and mass, at prayer services, during the all-night vigil in the Church of the House of Diligence, at Countess Volkonskaya (born Stenbock-Fermor)) and everywhere on the road and in homes. I praise You, Lord, who works miracles in me unspeakably, wonderfully, quickly, simply, [lightning], life-giving, regenerating, renewing! Evening. I will ascribe victory after victory, victory after victory over sin and weakness to my Lord Jesus Christ, the Sweetest Savior of the world. I thank the Lord, who gave me sincere prayer and tears of tenderness during the performance of the worldwide Bloodless Sacrifice. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to give communion to up to eight hundred people - everyone rejoiced in Your salvation [Ps. 19:6]. I thank the Lord, who gives me faith and boldness to partake of them only after secret confession to the only Lord, for I do not have the opportunity to confess everyone. Sin catches each of us, flatters, captivates, rapes, confuses, forces and oppresses. Caution is needed in everything: in vision, in hearing, in body movements, in words, in actions, in thoughts, in feelings; What is needed is a constant struggle against sin, true wisdom, contempt for carnal pleasures, for self-interest, for human honor and glory; We need to love God and our neighbor as we love ourselves: what we don’t want for ourselves, don’t wish or do to others; in simplicity and purity of heart, look at everyone and everything and do not be tempted by anything, for everything created was created purely by the most pure hands of the Creator and nothing is bad, only sin is the only bad thing. I thank the Lord for my constant salvation during the liturgy and after it throughout the entire day and for helping me in my prayers. I condemn myself for intemperance when walking with a cross from house to house and for excess in food and drinks. May I avoid this from now on by the grace of God. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit solemnly, loudly, imperiously, separately, with feeling, with sense, but before the enemy kept intimidating me and did not allow me to read it. I just read the end. Grant, Lord, that all the exclamations of prayers and the Gospels be read without stumbling. Amen. The whole day was a day of wonderful deliverance and salvation of God, a day of God’s power that acted life-giving in me. How wonderful is the name of the Lord, constantly giving me life, driving away the death of my soul, for every minute it dies with sins that constantly destroy me, confuse and torment me! In the name of the Lord they always run and disappear. Glory, O Lord, to Thy right hand, which has supported and protected me even now all day long. Glory to Your wondrous name, O Lord, which has saved me by calling upon Him without ceasing. From the frequent celebration of the Holy Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood with zeal and tears, the priest becomes fragrant in both soul and body and attractive to everyone, like a spiritual magnet. And the peacehouse gives off the aroma of peace, and whoever visits the flower garden often smells of flowers. How does the spiritual, eternal, original ointment—Christ—smell? Friday. Today is a day of constant deliverance and salvation from the villainy of invisible enemies and from sins and a day of boldness and strength in prayers through the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ the Sweetest. Saturday. This day was the day of the victory of God's mercy over my sins. Glory to the invincible mercy of God! The Lord showed me constant salvation and help from early morning until night, especially during and after the early liturgy on Sunday, August 21. Thank you for your boldness in prayer and for your gifts in St. Petersburg, Tsarskoe Selo and Pavlovsk. May the Lord reward them with His grace. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the almighty deliverance of me, corrupted by sin, from spiritual death after I spent a day without reinforcement of the Holy life-giving Mysteries. The Lord surprised me with all the Divine powers during and during the liturgy in the defeat of my invisible enemies, who fiercely captured me because of my sins, and in the destruction of the mortal bonds that bound me. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly shown in me the victory of His goodness and mercy before and during the performance of prayers in different houses near the Sergius Monastery (General Svechin, Mrs. Solskaya and others had anger at the Kronstadt women scurrying everywhere). I was not ashamed, trusting in You, Lord, nowhere. O You, destruction of my mortal sinful bonds! I glorify and glorify unceasingly. I want and pray to the Lord, that you may be known and, even more so, known by everyone, as you were known to me, poor and indecent, and may you destroy sins and passions and mortal bonds in all, in all, in all Your people, may you turn everyone to true repentance, not false, may you teach everyone good deeds, may you complete holiness in all Christians, May you destroy the wiles of Satan in all languages. God! I thank You for deliverance from the demons of fornication and kindlings of the flesh and from bad thoughts, attractions and unclean feelings. Glory to Thee, strong Combatant, who always overcomes those who fight me and attract me to various sins. I thank You, who attracted all people, young and old, to me with love. It is a miracle within miracles that people should be attracted to a sinful, weak, mortal man by faith and love, just as they are drawn to me from everywhere. And many people look at me as a miracle in the world. God! For you, not for me, this faith and this love, this honor, this attraction. You spoke before the sufferings of Your cross: when I am lifted up from the earth (on the cross), I will draw everyone to Me [John 12:32]. So You draw everyone to Yourself, and attract every single one, and You will attract an innumerable multitude. Wake up! God! Distract everyone from Satan, from this primordial murderer, from this flatterer, who flatters the entire universe, and judge him alone and with him the fallen spirits of evil. However, let not Thy eye spare those who are like-minded with him and who are unrepentant, for they have become like the devil and have not turned or repented of their crimes. I thank the Lord for His Divine powers in me, and for deliverance from the fierce remorse of the serpents during and after the service from the captivity and violence of the universal devil, and for the gift of justification, peace, space of heart and boldness in prayers. He performed Baptism in St. Petersburg at an upholsterer's with difficulty, but overcame his ethereal enemies by trusting in the help of the Lord. I praise Him. The Lord saved me from the encroachments of the unclean many times through His wonderful, all-saving name. (During mass in the Church of the House of Diligence, because of the large prosphoras for the laity, the devil fiercely tempted me and separated me from God: greedy, I envied the good measure of others. Oh, greed! Oh, envy! Oh, gluttony! Oh, the delusion, as if man can live by bread alone, when the flesh of God - the most pure Body and Blood is given to me to eat every day! Oh, blindness of passions! Oh, blinding of the eyes of the heart! Oh, lack of faith! Oh, worldly fusion!) I thank you for the abyss of Your mercies towards me, a sinner, Lord, revealed in these days in deliverance from the great and varied evils and snares of the ancient serpent. I must joyfully allow children and even adults who are hungry for the Divine meat of the Body and Blood of the Lord to the Holy Life-Giving Chalice, and not be upset at those who often approach - this is devilish bitterness, envy, malice. Done many times. The Lord exhausted all of Himself for us for the sake of His love for us - how will I spare His most pure Body and Blood for people! Send, eat... everyone... From early morning until late evening, the Lord performed His wonderful mercies in me, almost continuously delivering me from the secret sins that were killing me in the depths of my soul, from my sinful habits and various passions, giving me justification, peace and boldness, spiritual space and breadth. Oh, how wonderful, life-giving, redemptive is Your name, Lord Jesus Christ our God! Every sinful thought, every passionate movement of the heart is sin, and the wages of sin is death [Rom.6:23]! How many deaths does the Lord save us from every day! Glory to Your bounty, Lord! The particles taken from the prosphora mean members of the Church of Christ (or the body of Christ) in heaven, on earth and in the underworld. I thank the Lord, who performed many miracles in me of His deliverance from the wiles of demons during and after services in the church and outside it, especially on August 31, Wednesday, and on the evening of 30 - regarding the brazen slander of me by the idle and evil girl Maria on the ship (August 30) and 31 in the apartment of Machigin Alexei, where pilgrims gather: here she was locked in a separate room, and she with With devilish violence and force she tore open the doors, exhausted herself and then became exhausted and sat down on the bed or on the floor, and from there the policemen took her and took her to the hospital. You delivered me, Lord, from all confusion and distress for repentance and calling on Your holy name. I glorify You and thank You, Lord, for all Your countless powers within me, raised up for my salvation. Lord of hosts, be with us, for who else can help You in sorrow, imams? Lord of hosts, have mercy on us! 129 I thank You, Lord, for the good harvest of grain in the north, in the Arkhangelsk and Olonets provinces, through which, by Your grace, I again passed after four years of my stay in my homeland. God! Take good care of the newly built church in my homeland and bring it to a wonderful end. Wake up! Recorded September 1 in the morning at five o'clock on Thursday. Warm, clear, quiet weather. I thank the Lord, who destroyed in me the passionate heaps of devilish contempt, pride, self-love, voluptuousness, grief, annoyance, anger at those who are often eager to begin communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ and at those who pursue me everywhere, although out of love, especially Eugene. Get away from me this spirit of devilish discord and hostility, pride towards neighbors redeemed by the honest blood of Christ! They are all better than me, kinder, more humble, simpler, more patient, more godly, purer. How many times a day, even an hour, the Lord mercifully destroys me when I sincerely repent and call on His name, how many times He destroys sin in me in its various damned forms and with sin the death of my soul, which falls from the grace of God through sin! How many times does He give me His sweet reunion and restoration of salvation! How quickly I must flee from all sin, and stand firmly in holiness and truth, and shed grateful tears! The impudent Olonets Consistory refuses her attitude and sends one hundred rubles to the school. Amazing impudence! Evening. I thank the Lord for the usual deliverance for the sake of His mercy and for the sake of His holy name from the countless sinful attempts and deadly wounds of Belial during and after the service (matins and mass). Called with all my heart, You mercifully listened to me and immediately extended a helping hand. Glory to You, thanksgiving to You! I thank You, Lord, for to this day I have been delivered by Your mercy from hostility towards those who frequently receive communion and from spiritual death associated with hostility: I repented secretly, begged You, condemned myself sincerely, and You forgave wickedness and hostility, the embitterment of my heart. And You delivered me from other sinful, carnal inclinations. I glorify Your goodness, which surpasses our understanding, I glorify Your long-suffering, Your kindness and kindness. So I am still alive by Your mercy, although I am a thousand times worthy of death and torment. You continually deliver me from the torment associated with sin. Be, O Lord, merciful and gracious to every person who comes running to You and trusts in You, so that everyone will know Your wonderful fatherly goodness and glorify Your holy name. I begin to strictly reprove myself in the direction of my heart and life and in allowing my passions: pride, gluttony and delicacy, carnality, voluptuousness, impatience, irritation, annoyance, grief, anger at innocent and well-meaning people (frequent communicants of the Holy Mysteries) and at the rector of the church himself, the venerable archpriest Pavel Trachevsky (secret, but not obvious). What hellish fire I endured with the grace and help of God during Matins, out of secret grief at the Father Superior because, seeing me, he did not greet me and walked away as if from a stranger and stranger. I, although unwillingly and not cordially, greeted him when he went to another aisle with inattention to me. Here the Lord extinguished the hellish fire in me for repentance and secret prayer and for secret reconciliation with the abbot. Then, during the liturgy and after it, the enemy captured me and ignited me again with hellish fire for being upset at teenagers who often approach the Holy Mysteries (Mitya and Natasha and [Sasha]), and only through sincere repentance and trust in God’s infinite mercy did I get rid of a new and terrible spiritual misfortune. How proud, and greedy, and lacking faith I am. A lot of the Holy Gifts remain in the Holy Chalice (children and adults need very little), and it’s a pity - why? - His most pure Body and Blood! Yes, this is wickedness, unbelief, this is envy and the malice of the devil, but the priest needs constant goodness, and love, and meekness, and humility. How the Lord exhausted all of Himself for us, and we regret and do not give His most pure Body and Blood - the Body that was broken for us, and the Blood that was shed for us out of immeasurable goodness. Forward, with goodness, willingness and zeal, may I teach the Holy, life-giving Mysteries to all people. How much I suffered today for my greed and dislike, annoyance and grief! I have become like the devil, and not the good Lord. But for his long repentance, he was pardoned by the Lord. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord, [on us] sinners. What causes a strong attack of passions and evil spirits? From gluttony and satiety (being full, I ate cottage cheese with unleavened milk in the evening, and thereby whitened my soul, earthed my heart). Have mercy on me, Lord, who have become like senseless cattle. God! Illuminate with Thy light, I pray to Thee, the heart of my wife Elizabeth, her sister Anna and her daughters Rufina and Elizabeth, may they not offend the poor, may they not indulge excessively in their lives, may they not forget You, may the girls not play with the nasty love of this world, may all the young men of unkind behavior be removed from our house, may the mother and her children not indulge in idleness every day! Wake up! Do this, O Lord God, according to my faith in You and according to Your righteousness, according to Your truth, according to Your goodness, according to Your wisdom, for the glory of Your name and for the salvation of these young daughters of men. Amen. September 6, 1888. Tuesday. Miracle of St. Archangel Michael. I thank You, Lord, that You have made me desired, loved and honored by many for the sake of Your holy name, for the sake of Your grace, which rests in me unworthy. Oh Lord! Turn the hearts of all people to You, You, the only one worthy of love and reverent fear. Wake up! Let everyone know Your power. Tuesday and Wednesday. I thank the Lord for His mercies and strength, revealed to me during these days from morning to evening in the church, during the service and after, and outside the church: He delivered me from fierce secret sins, especially from the scorching hostility of the devil and his malice, his contempt and pride and from the encroachments of the unclean. It was hard for me: hellish fire tormented and consumed me for complicity in the evil of the devil, and the Lord extinguished this fire for repentance and for my faith and calling on His name with all my soul. Oh, what a miracle His name and His Holy Mysteries are within me! How much Divine power, life, justification, peace, reconciliation, sanctification, deification is hidden in them! Bishops and priests are bearers of God’s blessing, interceded by Christ, who destroyed the oath, gave the blessing, abolished death, and granted eternal life 130. He served the early liturgy in the cathedral, first singing the stichera and the canon of the holiday. For the sake of faith and prayer of repentance, the Lord delivered me from fierce temptations and sorrows - once because of secret indignation at the sexton Ivan Nikitin, who did not come to the prayer service late in the evening yesterday (it turned out that he was sick) and today did not rush to early mass, then generally because of grief and dislike, impatience, irritation. I spent a lot of time in hellfire; He also pitied the Holy Mysteries for children and adults who frequently received communion. (Oh, how ardently the children and adults who often receive communion love me, and how they are indignant and cry when I deprive them of communion! Let them take communion, since Christ the Lord so comforts them! May I partake of them with eagerness and love.) How fragile and perishing is our earthly life! Today he is alive, and tomorrow he will die. Father Hieromonk of the Sergius Hermitage died of paralysis on the tenth day of his illness. Very soon. The Kronstadt merchants live much longer in paralysis. Apparently, for the sake of the good deeds that they did it from time to time. May Your will be done, O Lord, holy, wise, righteous, good and perfect. God! Unashamed hope of those who trust in You, I thank You for Your merciful, quick, wonderful help in my sorrow and crampedness, both here in the city, in the church during and outside of divine services many times, and in the capital in the beautiful apartment of Mrs. [Shurugina] before the prayer service, when I was in confusion, sorrow and crampedness from invisible enemies who were chilling me. I turned to You with all my heart, I cried out to You strongly inwardly, and You heard and gave me deliverance and great spiritual strength and boldness, so that I sincerely, calmly, boldly, without stumbling, served the entire prayer service. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, that You, with Your boundless mercy and power, plucked me many times during and during the Liturgy, and even before the Liturgy, from the scorching claws of the beast of the entire abyss and from the inclinations of sin and gave me Your justification, boldness, peace and freedom. I thank You, for You have granted me to be bold in prayers before Your people in Peterhof. Help me always, Lord, for the sake of Your name and create a conqueror over the sins and intrigues of the fierce ruler of the world. May praise and glory and thanksgiving be to You forever. (Recorded on September morning.) Lord! Add Your faith and truth to all of us. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who showed me His wondrous and swift mercy and power in delivering me from the cruel circumstances of demons and from my sins in granting His justification, peace, spiritual silence and freedom. I will not cease to thank my Lord, Savior, doctor of my soul and body. I thank the Lord, who draws many people to me, according to His word: when I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw everyone to Me [John 12:32]. O All-Holy Master, draw me, a sinner and unclean one, to You, having cleansed and sanctified me all with the grace of the Holy Spirit. If you draw everyone to me, draw me to You. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over my enemies, the fearsome demons, who frighten and confuse me when reading certain prayers, exclamations, and the Gospels. With great boldness I read the prayer behind the pulpit, which I had not read in full before out of fear of the enemy. In all divine services, grant me, Lord, to be gracious. God! Keep me in relations with [...]. God! Turn all my lust, all my desire to You, the most beloved, to Your truth and holiness, and may I alienate myself from all worldly lust, destructive for the immortal soul, destined for holiness and incorruptibility. Tuesday. I give thanks to You, the Almighty and Savior, for the continuous deliverance throughout the day from the fierce machinations of demons and from the inclinations of my accursed unclean and passionate heart and my accursed evil will during, before and after services and prayers, and in my free time. You renewed the mortified, you calmed the troubled, you spread the oppressed, you healed the wounded, you encouraged and restored the sad, you cleansed the defiled, you renewed the corrupt. Glory and thanksgiving to You, Lord, unceasingly. Because of the sick Nadezhda (formerly possessed), because of her demands from me for frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, I became very upset with her, became indignant and irritated, angrily telling her: “Well, wait, I’ll come tomorrow,” and from this I was extremely embarrassed, lost my boldness, peace and spiritual freedom, and only with deep repentance did I appease the Lord, who again gave me peace. This is a lesson for me to serve every neighbor willingly, diligently, with humility, as Christ God Himself: I was sick, and you visited Me... just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of Mine, you did it to Me [Matthew 25:36–40]. Sinned before the Lord. In His compassion, the Lord accepts those who come at the eleventh hour, having done nothing worthy [Matthew 20:1–16], and does not deprive them of His sweet communion. Therefore, imitating the Lord, I accept those who come to confession and holy communion, who have done little to prepare for worthy communion, for their faith and desire, hunger and thirst for the most pure Body and Blood. The rite of raising the Cross reminds us of its acquisition by the holy Queen Helena and its carrying out of the cave by the hands of the bishop to the people for its display to all people, and the extreme descent of the Son of God from heaven to earth and even to hell and taking humanity with Him to heaven. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His benevolence that took place in me (before confession and communion of the sick, demon-possessed Nadezhda, to whom I was upset for the frequent invitation to her and her grumbling or, better yet, persistence), and the Lord’s benevolence towards me - His anger for mercy. I thank the Lord for the abyss of miracles in me during and after the liturgy in the church and outside it in different houses (I prayed on my knees for mercy and was always miraculously pardoned there: in Peterhof, and on the ship, and in the carriage). Oh, God of miracles! Glory to You! I thank the Lord for the wonderful, sovereign deliverance from the wiles of demons during and after the liturgy in Kronstadt and in the capital. In the morning, news was received of a fire at night in the house of Polyakov (formerly Druzhinin) opposite the customs house on Narvskaya Street, in which thirteen people burned in the attic - all poor people, including a three-year-old child in the arms of his mother. Remember, Lord, the new martyrs, the new burnt offering purified by fire, and rest them in Your incorruptible and eternal abodes. How many types of death through which we pass into another life, the afterlife! Who thought, who expected among those burned that they would die like this? Why the fire? Who set the fire? Apparently there was arson. Oh, fierce, evil, evil times! Oh people! Drunk with wine and stupefied with tobacco! This fire is probably caused by tobacco, but also by wine, and by drunkards and smokers. Oh, damned smoking and drinking are inseparable! With kindness, love and respect, teach the Holy Mysteries to everyone who approaches them, from a baby to an old man, and not at all with annoyance and grief, some kind of envy and bitterness, for example, at children who often offer them or teenagers and adults, male and female, who often approach, for in the Holy Mysteries the One who is taught is Himself Love and Goodness and Eternal Sacredness and Who, by His love for the fallen creation He exhausted himself to the point of becoming a slave, to the point of suffering and blasphemous death. Oh, how often the evil spirit tempts the priest serving the liturgy with hostility towards those who often offer or approach! Instead of loving more those who thirst for the most pure Body and Blood of Christ, the opposite happens here - you feel secret annoyance and hostility towards those who receive it. Wherever our adversary the devil sows weeds! And in the holy place the abomination of sin and desolation sets up. Only through repentance did the Lord cleanse the devil’s anger in my soul against those [who] should have been loved and honored more. Plant in our hearts, Lord, true, undying love for everyone. I thank the Lord for His countless mercies to me on this day. Today during mass I was extremely embarrassed and upset at the watchman who spilled a lamp with wooden oil in the altar after the Cherubic Song. By the faith of the Lord and the name of the Lord, today from morning until late evening the greatest miracles of the mercy and power of the Lord took place in me in delivering me from the sharp wiles of the devil, his malice, with which he terribly stung me regarding the sexton Nikitin, who seemed to be sluggishly and carelessly, senselessly reading and singing in the choir. This was the devil’s cavil, his fiery, poisonous excuse, which drew him strongly towards anger and irritation towards him; but through the prayer of faith and repentance I defeated him in the name of the Lord. During and after mass there were many temptations from sleep, from sinful thoughts, especially after the hidden prayer behind the pulpit, it was hard for me from the enemies who embarrassed and wounded me, but I defeated them by calling on the name of the Lord. At prayer services the Lord showed me a lot of strength. Late in the evening the Lord delivered me from adultery and from being attracted to it. My adversary takes me captive - how much prayerful effort is needed to escape from his clutches! How many tears! Oh, how much sinful corruption there is in me! Every day I am corrupted by sins, and every day the Lord miraculously renews me through the Holy, life-giving Mysteries. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the miracles of salvation in the Assumption Church during and after the service (matins and early mass) from the temptations of the devil and for the solemn voice of singing and reading in the choir, and spiritual delight and pleasure. Thank you for your boldness in prayers in the capital and for [...]. Monday and Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, for the miracles of Your mercy and Divine power that were revealed in me these days during divine services at certain moments and outside of divine services in Kronstadt, and on the ship, and in the carriage, and in the capital, and in Pavlovsk, in Tsarskoe Selo. Especially in Kronstadt, after an angry conversation with the sick Nadezhda, possessed by a demon, [and] in Tsarskoye Selo, opposite the wooden house where the soldier Makov lived, who had already died before my arrival five days ago (here, when I was sitting in the carriage and praying secretly, confessing my sins and the sin of impatience, grief and anger at the German who invited me, whose house I was in, then the Lord raised me up as if from hell and resurrected my soul, killed by the sin of bitterness, and gave me life and peace. And how many times the Lord raised my soul from the dead - there is no number!). On the evening of the 21st I went to Moscow and, by the grace of the Holy Spirit, successfully completed my journey forward and back. In Moscow, I received the greatest consolation and help from the Holy Spirit: Muscovites received me with love and willingly invited me into their homes for prayer and conversation. The Lord gave me boldness and a strong, sonorous voice; especially Madame Duhamel 131, a highly educated woman and a good Christian, kindly received me for two days, dined with her at her invitation. The house, with its old linden tree garden, is magnificent. This is a dacha in the city. I was planning to move to a city stone house. Sunday. Early mass with matins. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and power He performed in me during Matins, early mass and after it in delivering me from the cruelty of invisible enemies who seek to destroy me mercilessly and wound me, embarrassing me, oppressing me, shaming me, embittering me. May their bad spirit disappear from me forever. Amen. Keep all in Thy name, O Lord, Thy faithful. In St. Petersburg, I thank you for your boldness in prayer. Monday. God! I thank You for the victory of Your mercy over the intrigues and malice of the devil, which is constantly directed at me, especially during the liturgy when reading the prayer behind the pulpit and then when saying the dismissal and when reading the Gospel to the people at prayer services. God! I thank You for the disposition of the hearts of Your people towards me, a sinner; but on the part of the young female sex, do not let this strong disposition turn into guilt, into an occasion for carnality and voluptuousness, for the flesh is weak, and passionate, and voluptuous. You, my only incomparable and beloved Most Holy Master, be the object of my holy, fiery, eternal love. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who has worked miracles in me today with His mercies and performed great miracles of power in my inner world during mass and after it, especially after the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal, which I always concealed because of demonic fear, on the ship and in the carriage due to grief at Muratova, who brazenly followed on my heels and demanded that I come to her to eat and drink on Wednesday; then in St. Petersburg in a house on [...] the island (U [G...]), where the deceased Glyceria (my grief in the carriage); then in the house of Khudasov (a retired soldier - a dacha owner, a cowshed) there was a wonderful prompt obedience and a good change in me, who accomplished a good change through a secret repentant prayer; then in the house of Dimitri Mikhailovich Mikhailov in Yamskaya, where many nuns gathered and where I was saddened by the mistakes of Euphrosyne Nikolaeva. The day is full of miracles of God’s mercy and intercession for me, a sinner. I praise the Lord for myself and for all who believe in Him and love Him. Today I had to listen to the absurd tricks of the famous doctors of the capital - Botkin and Golovin, his assistant, what techniques they use in treating patients (the patient Ananyeva has her home on Liteinaya and Basseynaya): how he forced a thin woman to drink ten glasses of milk against her desire and beyond her need, how she became bloated because Golovin then began to expel this milk with a strict diet, how her intestines began to dry out and how They mutilated the belly of a [miserable] woman who had a rich husband, but who can now neither eat nor drink. Oh, spontaneous, material wisdom, or the ordinary stupidity of famous doctors! What responsibility they take upon themselves before God the All-Creator and before people! Oh, doctors without faith in God, relying only on their wisdom and their science! In what darkness do they wander in their practice! How wrong they are! I thank You, Lord, the abyss of mercy and compassion, for deliverance from hellish tightness and the wounding of evil spirits due to grief at Muratova, who pursued me today in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg, and for many deliverances from spiritual death in the church and outside it. I glorify the wonderful goodness, and mercy, and innumerable power of my Lord Jesus Christ, His holiness and truth, for, constantly punishing me for my deviations from simplicity and dispassion, He immediately has mercy on me when I humbly repent and ask Him for forgiveness, intercession and deliverance. Oh, how impudent and constant in persecuting me is the enemy the devil, how cunning, how he constantly attacks my weakness and captivates me with charm and fear to his will! During mass, how many times I was captured, but just as many times I was delivered from the Lord. How many were captured by the enemy, and wounded, and killed! Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank Madame Veren and others for their boldness in prayers in the capital. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy by His grace to overcome the desire of disembodied enemies to follow me during the reading of the Theotokos Gospel at Britnev’s prayer service and his incantatory and baptismal prayers at the baptism of his grandson Mikhail. Grant me, Lord, dispassion and constant boldness against the faces of invisible enemies through the prayers of Your Most Pure Mother and all the holy ranks of heaven and all the saints. Amen. God! Cleanse me, a sinner, and have mercy on me, a fallen one. Have mercy on me, for I am weak and fearful and cowardly. I thank the Lord, who has now revealed in me His boundless goodness and power in delivering me from the fierce demonic wiles and my falls, my [fears], my infirmities and my inner impurities, when I called on His holy name with all my heart. I glorify the goodness and power of God, revealed in me these days in the church and outside it in delivering me from temptations and oppression and fear of demons and from spiritual death for my sins and in granting me justification, peace and freedom. Who is God as great as our God? You are the God who works miracles [Ps. 76:14–15] all the days and hours. I glorify You, Lord, the abyss of mercy and generosity and the endless, invincible power that always conquers within me all the opposing forces, the struggles that wound and kill my weak and sinful soul. And in these days, what an abyss of mercy and strength You have shown in me, O Lord, love for mankind, what longsuffering! Both in the church and outside it, and in this city and in the capital, You saved me from the demons that wounded me and my sins, from this countless thorns that vegetated within me. The Lord revealed countless powers of salvation in me on this day, both in the church and outside it, in Kronstadt, and on the ship (two and a half hours), and in the capital, and in the carriage back. Oh, how miraculous is calling Your name from the heart! I praise Your immeasurable goodness and power, Lord! I curse my own damnation. Deliver me from my wretchedness forever and add to me Your mercies and my days for the glory of Your name, so that You may complete me with Your perfection and thus lead to a true life in old age, rich in days and life. This day is full of the Master’s deliverance from my sins and the wiles of the devil, both in the church and outside, and in Kronstadt, and on the road, and in Krasnoye Selo. With great boldness, a loud voice, and without stumbling, I served a prayer service with Arseniy Nikolaevich Borodulin. I thank my Lord for everything, my Benefactor, Savior, Helper, my Treasure. I endured severe fiery temptations today by the grace of God because of the order of the unkind Father Superior, who ordered the Estonian priest Father Adam to serve the second mass in the cathedral (by desire, as I thought, to embarrass me), and grace overcame other grave temptations. In St. Petersburg, I was bold in prayers [...] in the Expedition of procuring state papers, etc. I thank the Lord, mighty in the fortress. Glory to Thee, Lord! Saturday. The day is full of deliverance and immeasurable salvation in the church and outside it, in Kronstadt and in the capital (in Kronstadt because of the possessed and sick Nadezhda). I was subjected to many and serious temptations from Belial today (Sunday) during Matins and Mass because of my addiction to worldly things (a broken bookcase), but the Lord delivered me from all of them through my prayer. Take care not about cupboards, but about the souls entrusted to you, not about earthly treasures, but about heavenly ones, not about paper books, but about the book of the Holy Spirit and about the Hypostatic Word, and not the [typical], printed or written word. I thank You, Lord, that for five years and all the days You have given me a firm testimony to Your people through various signs and miracles of healing all kinds of diseases, that I am Your servant and faithfully call on Your name and serve Your truth and Your Gospel, even though I am indecent. I thank You that You have established and are confirming Your faith in people for the sake of miracles that have happened and are happening in Your name. Grant me, Lord, the grace to serve You faithfully and diligently, without stumbling, all the days of my life, so that Your much-sung and glorified name, and Your holy, immaculate, saving faith, and Your Church, of which I am an unworthy and indecent servant, may be glorified more and more. Amen. I thank the Lord for countless miracles of deliverance throughout this day, both in the church and outside, and in this city from home to home, and on the ship, and in a carriage when traveling, and in the houses of the capital, and then in a carriage on the railway. I praise You, I thank You, my belly, my breath, my cleansing, sanctification, renewal, pacification, liberation from the bonds and networks of Belial, my boldness (especially the widow of Lieutenant General Markov, Vera Andreevna). I thank You, Lord, that You have many people who believe in You, who thirst for Your grace, prayer to You, Your praise, and thanksgiving to You. Correct me and exalt them forever. Amen. God! I pray to You for a circumstance that is important to me. The priest of the village of Sura, in which I am creating a stone church of Your name in honor of St. Nicholas, the Wonderworker of Myra, Theodore, for three months and a half, does not inform me in a word or in a single line about what has been done to build the church. Command him, Lord, to soon console me with favorable news, that the work begun for Your glory and in Your name is going well and that the church utensils, [again] delivered for the future church, are all intact. Wake up. I thank you, Lord, for you healed my left leg, which was bruised while descending from a narrow and dark staircase in St. Petersburg near Nevsky Prospekt in the house where the merchant Evreinov lives and sells caps and hats, hastily lowering me by the hand from the stairs. The leg was swollen and did not allow me to walk freely, and there was a fever in it. Now, on the morning of October 11, everything became good. Thank You, my Healer. Do not allow me to suffer the misery of mutilation, but keep me all the days of my life until I am very old to the glory of Your holy name. May Your glory, O Lord, never cease in my mouth. The days are full of miracles in me of the mercy and power of God from morning until late evening: in the church and outside, in my city (where I live) and in the capital, on a ship, in a carriage, in houses, in a carriage (and today, October 12, at the gunpowder factories of Ivan Titovich and Alexandra Mikhailovna Titov, where with great boldness I performed a prayer service for the sick youth Nicholas). I thank, praise and extol You, O Lord my God! Reign completely in me, O all-perfect God and my belly, my treasure, my strength, my beauty, my incorruptibility, my attraction, drawing everyone to me with love, my glory, unceasing deliverance, salvation, my wonder 132. I thank You, Lord, who has surprised me in these days with Your wonderful mercies and generosity and Your power in delivering my soul from my sinful tendencies, from demonic confusion and the wounding of cursed demons in the church and outside, here and in the capital. Thank You for the gift of spiritual integrity, righteousness, peace and freedom and boldness in prayer. Only today, after sitting for a long time with Grand Duke Georgiy Mikhailovich, I weakened in spirit and lost my boldness, especially at the sight of Grand Duke Peter Nikolaevich. May the Lord forgive me and give His servant George the grace of a safe journey and perfect healing. I thank You, Lord, who surprised me with miracles of Your mercy and power and Your hasty obedience yesterday and today in church and in homes before, during and after prayers, especially during the service of the liturgy and after it at certain moments, and in homes. In Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street in the house of Timofeev, before reading a prayer to the woman in labor, an officer’s wife, and naming the name of the baby, the girl Alexandra, after secret fervent prayer with repentance, You revived me, Lord, deadened by sin and in poverty, and gave me the grace to freely and calmly read the prayers. I thank You, Lord, who resolved the captivity of my sins quickly, obediently, sovereignly, life-giving, victoriously. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me even today from the countless snares of the evil one and from my stumblings, and who has granted me tenderness with tears, cleansing the filthiness of my soul and body during my trip out of town for rest and to breathe fresh air. The Lord allowed me to celebrate the All-Night Vigil in the Church of the House of Diligence without stumbling, with a touching, solemn spirit. How great is Your venerable saint, Lord, John of Rylsky, who completely devoted himself to You, the all-holy, all-righteous Lord! Wednesday. I thank you, Lord, that you sent me grace and mercy to perform, although with difficulty and languor, the Divine Liturgy on this day of my Angel and to say reasonable words in response to the many speeches spoken in my honor. But by evening I, ungrateful, again turned out to be unfaithful to Your holiness and truth, serving the flesh with voluptuousness and gluttony. I mourned my sins before Your face, and You forgave me with your ordinary love for mankind. But grant me never to betray Your holiness and Your righteousness [...] always, until the end of my life, and not to be deceived by any flesh. I thank You, Lord, that I safely made the journey to Moscow and back and there, by Your grace, I had boldness in prayer. I thank You, Lord, that You usually helped me in serving You here, in Kronstadt, in the church and outside, and delivered me from evil demonic intrigues and wounds, from embarrassment, sorrow and oppression, giving peace, boldness, freedom, triumph to my soul. I thank You, Lord, for Your mercies and grace-filled powers revealed in me this day in the church and in the homes of Your faithful, during the Liturgy and Matins and after them. Thank You for the joys of deliverance, salvation, justification, spiritual integrity, peace and freedom. Recorded on October 25 in the morning at five o'clock. I thank You for keeping me from corruption of the flesh and spirit, although I am in danger every day from many expressions [...] in the spirit of the Gospel, but I am weak in spirit and body. Strengthen me, Lord, by Your Spirit to walk rightly and without temptation and to always be Your church. I thank You, Lord my God, the eternal, all-good and all-powerful, for even to this day You have not left me a sinner without intercession and have had mercy on me, granting me deliverance from my sins and from the crime of invisible enemies and the peace desired by my soul. Be always kind to me, Lord, when I cry to You for salvation and help. Teach me to sincerely, with all my heart, pronounce all the prayers, exclamations, readings of the Gospel, with all my soul to bless Thy people in Thy holy name. Amen. Be, Lord! Grant me, Lord, the grace to sincerely pray for all spiritual and civil authorities with the military and for all the army. God! You see invisible enemies always attacking me when I have to pray for them, and troubling my heart, and interrupting me - deliver from them. I thank You, Lord, for Your wondrous, great, wonderful powers in me, revealed during the early liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence and after the Liturgy in my struggle with the demons that afflicted me and in delivering me from my cruel falls into anger, laziness, partiality, self-interest and other sins. You have saved me many times, You are abundantly merciful and long-suffering! Glory to You! From what delights of sin and how many times the most merciful and gracious Lord delivered me, giving me tears of repentance and confession, what powers of hell the Lord destroyed in me with His glorious and sovereign name! What peace, what joy it gave me when I was driving from the St. Petersburg Gate, wanting to breathe some fresh air! I thank and praise and extol the Lord, who continually works miracles in me with His mercy and His righteous judgment. God! I have burdened both myself and You with my sins and my failures. I glorify the miraculous name of the Lord, which, through my heartfelt invocation, has worked in me even today miracles of mercy and life-giving power and delivered me from great sorrow and crowded conditions in the church and outside it, in various houses of prayer (shelters for pilgrims). May everyone know Your name, the Holy King, the beginningless, all-powerful All-Redeemer, the Almighty, and may all earth-born glorify You, and may not a single person remain ignorant of You. Glory to Your power, Lord! God! I thank You that You miraculously saved, for the glory of Your name, our king, the queen and their family, to the surprise of everyone, and said to the wreck of the carriages: hitherto, reach the king and do not go further [Job.38:11], do not touch a single member of his family 133. Preserve them, O Lord, for many years, and receive the slain souls meekly and give them rest in the villages of the righteous, counting them with the martyrs and granting them Your eternal Kingdom according to Your ineffable mercy. Amen. What divine, wonderful, immeasurably great powers the Lord showed these days in delivering me from the machinations of the evil enemy the devil during and after the service: 29 in the church of the House of Diligence and 30 in the cathedral on Sunday. I was offended and angry with the old man Procopius for not paying attention to my remarks about putting moderate amounts of incense in the censer (he put a lot too much for censing on polyeleos) and I was extremely embarrassed, so that I could not read the Gospels and became dead in soul. But it was then that the Lord showed a miracle of His mercy and power, resurrecting me, killed by the enemy. I came to life, calmed down and perceived the greatest zeal for the Lord while reading and singing the Sunday canon and stichera on praises and never sang or read so enthusiastically, life-giving, solemnly as now. Glory to the Lord who works miracles in me! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from embarrassment and fornication after a secret conversation with the widow [D...] in the cathedral garden, how he raped her [...] and threatened to leave her and have another! Oh, times of debauchery! And then in the evening I heard that an old man of seventy-five years old, I. I. Martynov, was marrying his cook, having adult married children and married daughters! Oh, crazy old age! Yes, and I have to protect myself from many! Save me, God! Monday. Follow invariably one eternal principle of holiness and truth - God and resist all sin with firmness and extreme aversion from it, no matter how attractive it may appear to your imagination, and so on until the end, all the days and nights of your life - and you will receive the crown of life from the Lord. Grant, Lord, that I be faithful to You until death. My memorial book! Tell us the powers, miracles and immeasurable mercy of our God, revealed to me in these days in my city, in the capital and in Narva, in houses and churches, on land and at sea, from morning to evening every day. How many miracles of mercy and power in deliverance from invisible and visible enemies and from their atrocities and intrigues, from confusion, sorrow and oppression! How many times have You revived me, killed by my sins and the slander of the adversary! What kind of forgiveness, peace, freedom, what kind of protection and deliverance have I been granted from You - and how much, how much? Without number. I praise and thank You, Lord of my life! Tuesday and Wednesday. These days are full for me of miracles of Your mercy, Your deliverance from sinful attempts and from fierce demonic intrigues and violence. I thank and praise Your goodness and power, O Lord my God! I thank You for giving sinners repentance to eternal life and not allowing them to remain in sins and perish. But, O Master, draw all sinners and sinners to repentance in every place of Your dominion. I thank You, Lord, who delivered me from great cramped conditions, sorrow, embarrassment over the blow of one woman who was bothering me, who pestered me on the droshky and asked to serve a prayer service in Bykov’s house ([...] hit with steel, until she bled). In the carriage, I prayed for a long time for mercy and deliverance from spiritual troubles through the unconditional mercy of the Lord. In St. Petersburg, with General Petrov (an engineer), he prayed with great boldness for his sick sister and greatly consoled the whole house with the grace of Christ, and almost everywhere he prayed with boldness; However, in some poor families there were great difficulties and oppression from invisible enemies through greed: like a wedge, the enemy cut into the heart and did not allow prayers to be said freely and heartily. Thanks to everyone, especially Egor Ivanovich Dryabin, [V...] (on Fontanka, No. 22), Count [ina] Adlerberg, who encouraged me. What wonderful, truly Divine, saving effects are produced in the soul and body by the life-giving Mysteries of Christ - His Most Pure Body and Blood, delivering the participant from the power of darkness, death, from terrible torment, the scorching fire of Gehenna, from sin and sinful corruption, enlightening, reviving, renewing the whole person, sanctifying, pacifying, adoring, making him blessed, strengthening, inspiring, creating God-loving and desirable for people, attractive, amazing and terrible for demons. All this is truly done in the communicant by the Divine Mysteries! Oh, wonderful, beloved, all-life-giving, terrible Mysteries of Christ! I am not surprised and not [...] that everyone who has tasted their sweets desires them so much, and wants to partake of them as often as possible: they attract to themselves, like an iron magnet, all believers and pious. I will draw everyone to Me, says the Lord before the sufferings of the cross, when I will be lifted up from the earth (to the cross) [John 12:32]. I thank You, Lord, rich in mercy and generosity, for You have continually helped me in all my services in the church and in my homes, and won the hearts of Your people towards me, and eradicated the passions of people and mine, and pacified everything. I was sick for three days: the first day with a headache and then a nail worm on the ring finger of my right hand. On the king’s day, November 14, I did not serve, fearing the devil’s dirty tricks, from which may the Lord deliver me, giving me great boldness and sincere love for everyone, casting out fear, because in fear there is torment [1 John 4:18]. Grant me to be perfect in everything, Lord! Lent begins today. The nailworm on my right hand (ring finger) hurt for a long time - two weeks, and it was extremely painful. (After reading the Apocalypse in Oranienbaum, where I spent the night, I healed that night.) I thank the Lord for a safe journey to Moscow and back, and for the disposition of the Moscow residents towards me, and for success in prayers. I dined with Governor Dolgorukov. I thank the Lord for grace before everyone. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who through faith and the prayer of my repentance revealed in me His greatest, Divine, innumerable mercies and powers in deliverance and protection from the machinations of poisonous and deadly invisible enemies and from the passions of the flesh (regarding the view of a seductive picture in the apartment of a sick officer - Shirokaya Street, half of the Oparovsky building). The abuse was fierce; The Lord reduced the fighting and pacified me... Oh, people, people! How you seek temptations and set your bodily homes—bodies and souls—on fire with hellish flames! Morning. Five o'clock. I saw in a dream that I was with Metropolitan Isidore, and he received me quite well, affectionately, even kissed me on the head, and he had many ladies of high society. May God grant that he will be favorable to me for the benefit of God’s cause, for the sake of the common good. Glory to Thee, Lord, changing human hearts for good, glory to Thee, God of never-ending miracles! God! Plant the truth in the hearts of Your people and pluck out the flattery of the devil. Evening. And this day You have shown in me, Lord, your countless mercies and powers in delivering me from various sinful tendencies and the attacks of fierce demons. In the abyss of my sins and weaknesses, the abyss of Thy mercy and power continually appears, O Lord! Grant me simplicity of heart and unfeigned love, which never falls away for any reason. Teach me to be condescending to everyone, to love everyone sincerely. God! I am unskilled in love - teach me to love and to be lenient towards human weaknesses and shortcomings. God! Grant me not to envy anyone, to be kind to everyone, to rejoice with those who rejoice, to cry unfeignedly with those who cry, to serve everyone willingly, diligently, with humble wisdom, to be merciful to the poor invariably, not to be irritated with anyone, not to despise anyone, to respect everyone according to their dignity and not to deprive even the unworthy of attention, love and providence, care. Eleven o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who showed me the abyss of His mercy and power in delivering me from the unclean thorn and from the beginning of mental and physical corruption, when in repentance I called on His holy name with all my heart and laid my finger on my belly in His name. God! May there be no friendship from now on for flesh and blood, as for the charming and destructive, but [may I be] committed only to You, Lord! Blessing the five loaves and feeding the five thousand... 134 Apply this prayer to yourself and the poor fed by you every day. Every day the Lord works this miracle with you and with poor people. Give thanks and glorify the Lord, who continually works miracles in you. Ask the Lord for sincerity and peace of mind when saying prayers, readings and praises, the names of saints and especially the name of the Lord. Do not flatter your tongue in any word or name, do not give room to the devil. God! I repent before You of the insincerity and carelessness of private worship, such as: prayer singing in church and in homes during the celebration of the Sacraments of Baptism and Confirmation, Marriage, Blessing of Unction, even during public worship - Vespers, Matins and Liturgy, when imparting Your blessing to those who desire it. I repent of missing words and entire expressions when reading the Gospel, prayers, exclamations, dismissals. For all this I sincerely condemn myself and ask for mercy and help in the future, so that I can be corrected in everything 135 before You and before the Angels and saints and people on earth. God! I thank You for the miracles of Your hasty obedience, Your mercy, Your immeasurable power in me from early morning to late evening. You surrounded me with the joys of deliverance and salvation, peace, justification. Oh, how inclined I am to sin, how weak in heart, how vulnerable from invisible archers, how pitiful, cowardly, changeable! Oh, what an abyss of God’s daily mercy in me! What meekness of God, what longsuffering of God! What inexhaustible mercy! If the disembodied enemy is so successful in me, Lord Lord, then what can we say about worldly people who pray little and believe few! He completely overcomes them, confuses them, destroys them! Have mercy on them, O Lord, and give them Your light, Your strength, Your mercy, enlighten their heartfelt eyes, darkened by Belial and their sins! Save their image and fate! Give them sincere repentance, tears of tenderness, and strength to rise from sin. Hey, amen. I thank You, Lord my God, for the miracles of Your mercy and power performed in me, when I secretly offered to You, my Lord God, repentance for my mental sins, from sight and imagination that happened in me. Oh, what a great passion! What a sting! What captivity! And how unfaithful have I hitherto been to my Lord, who became incarnate for me and suffered and died! How unsteady I am in keeping His commandments! When will I be strong? When no temptation can shake me? When will I be adamant 136? When will I be a skilled warrior of Christ, invulnerably reflecting all the arrows of the evil Belial? When I will be pure gold, kindled with silver, purified by the septenary [cf. Ps.11:7 ]? Complete me, O Lord, with Your perfection and then bring me to a good old age with true life. Be Thy holiness in me, O Lord! I thank the Lord, who worked in me and performed miracles of His goodness, mercy and indescribable power from morning to evening, both in the church, and at home, and on the way out of town (to Sheremetyevo), and on other city roads. I am weakness, sin - You are my constant strength, my constant deliverance, and justification, and my peace. Grant me a perfect victory against the invisible enemy, for they fight me fiercely and put me to shame, weak and accustomed to sin. Destroy all the old charm of sin in me, O Lord, and grant me constant boldness in prayers for the sake of Your holy name. Amen. Grant me, Lord, the grace to always sincerely and fearlessly pronounce all prayers, exclamations, and readings of the Gospel in church and in homes with complete self-control. Drive away from me the absurd demonic fear that amazes and kills my heart, and grant me Divine peace with great boldness; make my heart an unshakable pillar, so that the evil spirits that mercilessly attack me cannot shake it; Grant me Your Holy Spirit, may He make me right and unshakable forever. Amen. God! In Your name I mark the mountains of my heart every day many times over: the mental mountains of evil spirits approach me every day, suppressing my spirit; By Your name I always move them and I am free, peaceful, right, blessed. Glory to Your name, Lord! Let it be so with all Your people, and for whom I pray, let it be the same with them. The Demyanovichs are in terrible trouble: the widow of a former assistant postmaster and the young doctor, Leonid Ivanovich, - they are in the delusion of a prodigal. I thank the Lord for the miracles, and mercies, and powers that have been revealed in me these days for my deliverance and consolation during and outside of the service, in the church, and in homes, and on the way. I thank the Lord for His special mercy and power in granting me boldness and the words of the bold during the all-night vigil on the church holiday while saying the prayer to the Master of the Many-Merciful... But before the blessing of the loaves, invisible enemies outraged me and suppressed me with such a dilemma: whether bound or unbound, to give the books of my composition to the brethren of the cathedral, and [I] asked to read a prayer for the consecration of my father’s loaves Peter Klepachevsky; While reading the Gospel, the demons stopped and confused me by intentionally omitting words that signify the calling of James and John to the apostleship by the Lord. Forgive me, Lord, and from now on grant me to read everything without missing an iota. Wake up! From early morning until late evening I experience within myself the wonderful, saving right hand of God - I, constantly falling into the sins of impatience, irritability, bitterness, seduction by the beauty of the rational creature in its beautiful body. I thank God, who saves me constantly and quickly for faith and repentance. How fiery, poisonous, caustic, and deadly are the arrows of the enemy! Deliver all Christians, Lord, from these arrows and save everyone with their fates, for they do not know all the tricks and traps of the ethereal enemy. Let them go, they don’t know what they are doing. Enlighten the eyes of their hearts, darkened by the darkness of passions. The day is full of the Lord’s mercy and intercession for me, a sinner, from morning to evening. The Lord saved us from the remorse of demons many times and delivered us from the jaws of Satan. May I never, O Lord, covet or be a stranger (Satan), be generous to me 137. The Lord has made us partakers of His Divinity, and we will be partakers of His gifts with our neighbors. Dignified and righteous. I thank the Lord, who has saved me many times from sinful tendencies and from the snares of demons. I thank the always close to me and quick to obey, all-righteous, incorruptible Lord of my life. God! Save tacos everyone! Enlighten the heart eyes of all sinners! Let everyone know the beauty and destruction of sin and remove everyone from the mire of sin, for we know how convenient sin is, and flattering, and cunning, and quick, and subtle. Today, after an early mass, I parted in great embarrassment and languor with the hired sexton Ivan Nikitin due to his extreme pride, disobedience and rudeness, which he discovered in the church regarding my remark that he absent-mindedly, carelessly wipes the mouths of babies after communion with the most pure Blood. Instead of apologizing, he began to praise himself as unparalleledly efficient and was offended by me, saying that I had upset him for the whole day. Soon he filed a bold statement unfairly accusing me of being capricious and calling for his dismissal from office. God is his righteous judge. (I was extremely dissatisfied with his lethargy, his nasality under his breath when reading and singing, and his extreme haste, senselessness, stupidity, clumsiness, and insensibility.) There was a lot of crampedness and languor, but through a prayer of repentance to the Lord, by His mercy and generosity, I completely got rid of the oppressive sorrow and completely calmed down; for this I thank Him and pray that He will send me a kind and obedient sexton, so that with one accord, with one heart and lips, I may glorify the Lord. Amen. Wake up! Convert the former reader, humble him and save him. May he remember his former rank, his former poverty and his [wagging] from military service. Monday. I thank the Lord for countless salvation from internal misfortunes and the machinations of demons: once on the occasion of the rudeness and ingratitude of the sexton Nikitin, to whom the enemy aroused enmity, embarrassed, pressed at Matins, but was driven away by the grace of Christ for repentance with prayer, and secondly, because of the small prosphoras of the prosphora: and here the invisible enemies irritated and embarrassed me, but were defeated by grace for my repentance and faith. Britnev has an all-night vigil. During the Holy Gospel the enemy prevailed, not allowing him to read, but he drove him away with force - and by grace he disappeared without a trace. Glory to grace, which helps and overcomes. Away with the cowardly fear of evil-doing enemies! I thank the Lord for the countless mercies and His powers that were revealed in me today during Matins before the reading of the Gospel (I read another, not from John, but from Luke, about a man who laid the foundation of a house on stones and sand [Luke 6:47–49]), during mass (the prosphora are small and empty - anger and hostility towards the prosphora, the falling away of the soul from God and from neighbors, from the object prayers, from the Kingdom of God and grace, cramped conditions, confusion, spiritual death). Revival through repentance and faith. Tears of tenderness. God's help during prayer services, and before prayer services, and after prayer services. All day long the Lord had mercy and saved for the sake of His holy name quickly and effectively. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and power that have been revealed in me these days from morning until late evening in deliverance from passions and the devil’s fierce wiles during matins and mass at certain moments and after mass at certain moments in houses, in the carriage, on the road itself - there is no limit to the deliverance of God, the mercy of God. The Lord worked a miracle with the German Ottilie (at Kulberg’s dacha near Udelnaya). Hunger and thirst as food, as the pleasure of serving the spiritual interests, needs of others and the selfless, especially teaching of the Holy, life-giving Mysteries of Christ - the most pure Body and Blood, and not with grief, annoyance and reluctance or pride and contempt; visit the sick, especially the poor, as happens and happened today with [B...], for you serve Christ Himself, He accepts your service, and woe to you if you go to serve with vexation and reluctance. Your gain must be Christ alone and your neighbor in His person - your food and drink, your glory, and joy, and bliss, and peace; do not seek bribes, but seek Christ. The tightness and sorrow in my sides all day, like wedges: they did not allow me to pray in St. Petersburg and here. Untimely eating after early mass was the cause of cramped conditions and satiety in the evening and today. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who prospered me in the service of Matins and the early liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church and in the houses of the capital: at Senator Tatishchev, at General Smelskaya and others - and who granted me forgiveness of sins, peace and boldness and spiritual space (at Senator Tatishchev, upon arriving at his premises, I was initially embarrassed and oppressed by the sin of grief at Euphrosyne Nikolaevna, but through secret repentance he regained the lost grace and again received peace and boldness; this happened in some other houses). I thank the Lord for the miracles of salvation in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg on Rezvy Island and in various houses, when I, having died in soul and petrified from irritation, impatience and anger at Euphrosyne Nikolaevna, who did not know the area and was confused, secretly cried out to God in repentance for mercy and salvation - and was saved, and received boldness and peace. Tuesday. A severe temptation after mass in church from evil demons regarding a vision of one woman and hostility towards her, which arose due to her frequent arrival in Kronstadt and annoying me with her requests for visits in the capital - and she is very pious and thirsty for the word of God and communion of the Holy Mysteries. Another temptation comes from my impatience, partiality and greed. I was angry with the altar watchman’s mother Anna for inviting her with the Holy Mysteries to her sick son Ivan under the church in Duma; As a result of the anger of the unrighteous, the devil entered me and began to torment me greatly: sorrow, and oppression, and fire consumed me, and only for faith and an intense prayer of repentance, the merciful and long-suffering Lord delivered me from great spiritual trouble by the fact that after drinking the Holy Mysteries I completely calmed down and was comforted. In St. Petersburg, in a convent, before the prayer service for the saint of water, there was also a terrible temptation: I saw in the room among the worldly women one - the girl Evdokia, who had bothered me a lot with her meetings and farewells and excessive affection, and developed a hostile feeling towards her, which killed my soul and struck it with sorrow and cramped conditions, embarrassment and shame; I did not have peace and boldness throughout the entire prayer service, and I barely read the Gospel about walking on the waters with omissions and hesitations. You should not allow even a shadow of hostility towards anyone to reach your soul, but love everyone in Christ, as members of the one body of Christ and the Church, as ouds to each other [Rom.12:5]. Oh, how often do I violate this main principle of the law of the Gospel - love! Even for children about eight years old I sometimes feel hostility for their daily approach to the Holy Mysteries, for which one should especially love them, as having Christ Himself within them, living and abiding, and as being in church every day to pray and being awake and praying with everyone. Correct, Lord, my uncorrected, accursed heart. Wake up! I thank the Lord for all His grace and mercy and help in prayers that helped me [in healing] my sins and the wiles of the devil. God! Give me the grace to have only You as my treasure and beauty and wealth, strength and glory - and no one else and nothing else. Wake up! God! Grant me to love my neighbor completely, as You commanded. Not serving the Liturgy over two days for the sake of a trip to Moscow was a great spiritual weakness for me, especially because at night in the carriage there was desecration due to an unclean dream and intemperance in food and drink. Glory to Your liturgy and the life-giving terrible Mysteries that renew us. Deny yourself, your pride, your passions that live in you and control you, that fight against your spirit and against God and your neighbor - and you will always be with God, and you will be at peace. I thank the Lord for his countless mercy and strength in delivering me from anxiety, anger and rancor against the former clerk Nikitin at the first meeting with him after his slander against me in the petition and after separation from him as my sexton. I accused myself sincerely, as if I spoke and acted out of passion, and not out of love and with the meekness of Christ, which endures everything. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the excitement and tightness of sins during the early liturgy and after it, then in the capital while traveling through the streets and houses, where the Lord soon turned the storm into silence through a secret prayer of repentance, when Euphrosyne Nikolaevna mistakenly traveled and returned back. I thank the Lord for boldness and strength in prayers, especially in the [...] artillery crew’s house on Zakharovskaya Street, and in Makarov’s house on Admiralteyskaya Embankment, and in other places. The grace of God sings in churches and in homes its Divine, wonderful, life-giving miracles, cheering, nourishing, and strengthening the soul, and malice, wickedness, and the devil’s deceit sing in the hearts of people or intensify to sing their vile, poisonous and deadly songs, carnal and evil, confusing, darkening, scorching, irritating and destroying the human soul. The devil has invented and continues to invent everything opposite to the grace of God in his evil hellish mind in order to contrast it with God and His grace, and constantly fights against us and against God: seductive paintings instead of holy icons in churches, theaters, circuses, evenings, various temptations; instead of love for God and for the souls of people who were in the image of God, there are thousands of worldly passions and addictions that make a person constantly unfaithful and opposed to God, or a traitor to Him, a defector to the side of the devil. I thank the Lord for repeatedly rescuing me from my anger at E.G. for ignorance of the house near the Stone Bridge (Vyatkina bakery) and from other sins, from embarrassment, sorrow and cramped conditions and for the gift of peace, freedom and boldness, for calling on His name in warm repentance. God! You constantly surround me with the joys of deliverance and salvation, restoration, rebirth, renewal, spiritual resurrection. I thank the Lord for the countless mercies of deliverance both in the church, and on the road, and from home in the capital, and for my boldness in prayer. Today, when opening the box on the left side of the writing desk, the theft of four thousand money from a wallet and in envelopes was discovered by my wife, who was noticed many times in the theft and was personally taken by surprise by me [caught]. One locksmith admitted to me in confession that, at the request of my wife, he picked out the key to the boxes in the writing table. May the Lord God judge her, for instead of humbled herself and confessing her sin, she rebels and shouts at me, calling me a person who does not remember himself and does not know what he is doing and where he is putting his belongings, and shamelessly slanders and slanders the innocent girl Irina. God! Your judgments are righteous. If a wife does not heed my reproofs, You Yourself rebuke her mercilessly, so that she does not become completely lawless. Grief, melancholy and cramped conditions oppressed me all day about the theft of family money - four thousand rubles ([...]). I secretly prayed, I wanted to rise above the feeling of sorrow, or the sadness of this world, which brings about death, but still I was suppressed by sadness; Finally, in Becker’s house in [Galebskova’s] apartment, the Lord healed my soul through the secret prayer of faith and after a strong view and trust in Him, and I completely calmed down. I thank the Lord, who enlightened the eyes of my heart. Through temptation - the theft of a large amount of money - I realized that my soul is strongly attached to earthly treasure and because of its loss it is plunged into mortal sadness, as if the life of my soul is in earthly blessings and in their abundance, and falls away from God, the source of life, Whom, having in my soul, I have everything and do not need anything, for He is the fullness of all blessings and perfect bliss: with God, even a piece of bread is enough for maintenance of life and rags and sandals. The devil stung me where it hurt most: what I feared most of all, that’s exactly what happened, that is, the theft of my and other people’s money, which constituted the funds of the Charity Society, and partly the means of my life. But I will say with Job: God gave, God also took away [Job 1:21]. You must be prepared for losses, not only to make a profit. Why am I special so that these cups should pass me by? The Lord is able to compensate for the loss and will not leave me in poverty if I myself am generous to the poor. Today, before and during the prayer service in Bykov’s house on the fifth floor, the Lord did His greatest mercy to me: He delivered me from the charms of the enemy - from longing and heartache for the money stolen from me by my sister-in-law Tsvetkova - four thousand rubles; The Lord drove away the serpent of covetousness that had wrapped itself around my ribs and He Himself inhabited me with His peace and dispassion, giving me spaciousness of heart. He Himself is my belly, my inexhaustible treasure, my food and drink, my clothing, my light, my glory, my incessant miracle: meanwhile, my heart was clinging to the treasures and was always afraid for them. But may the souls of my wife and sister-in-law and her daughters not perish in the sins of theft, lies, idleness and laziness, ingratitude and insensitivity. Oh, how they lied, how everything turned upside down in their souls and, so to speak, became upside down: no shame, no honor, no consciousness. Put an end to them, Lord, so that they will not become completely stagnant in their iniquities, in their thefts, in their idleness, in alienation from You, Lord! I thank the Lord for the countless salvation from my sins and demonic machinations, which was revealed to me both during Matins and the Liturgy, and after it in the churches of God (the cathedral and the House of Diligence), and outside the church in houses for visitors and others, and on the street (when I was riding alone in a sleigh, praying secretly with tears). I praise You, my Savior and my God, every day and hour. Christmas. I thank You, Lord, for the countless miracles of Your mercy, power, and hasty obedience to me, Lord, in the church and outside it: in the church at the end of Matins, when I was very angry with the altar guard Ivan for bringing dirty and torn sacristans for mass and when the Lord had mercy on me, engulfed in the flames of anger and mortified, for repentance and falling to To him, and then during mass, and after mass, and especially at the prayer service of thanks for deliverance from the French invasion (the archpriest was displeased). Today, during Matins, mass and after it, great miracles of rebirth, new creation, peace and power of God took place in me (after confusion and spiritual powerlessness) for the secret prayer of faith and repentance in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank and praise Him (burglary of money by household members). I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of salvation in me, a sinner, during Matins before the reading of the canons for the holiday and the saints: Archdeacon Stephen and Theodore the Inscribed - and then during mass and after. My wife and sister-in-law Tsvetkova committed a very large theft by breaking into the drawers in the desk: three thousand of my money and the widow Stefanida Avvakumovna’s one thousand rubles, and also the collector Elisaveta Grigorievna’s three thousand rubles. Lawlessness for lawlessness: every evening until the morning they go to balls, clubs and theaters. Look at them, O righteous Lord, and forbid them, so that they do not completely mock You and me, Your unworthy servant, who served You with Your grace for thirty-three years and who ardently desires to serve You for the same amount of time for the glory of Your name and for the salvation of Your people and my own. God! Either let the wicked pass away, and let their place not be found, or let them acknowledge their sins, and let them turn to You in weeping and lamentation, and let them completely change their morals, for their behavior and obstinacy in lies, vanity, pride, malice, wickedness, idleness, laziness, and perversion of life are intolerable. God! Those who deceived and deceived me a lot in my life and despised and hated my relatives, who did not dare to set foot in my dwelling, may they never enter into my inheritance, but may [it] be the property and wealth of my poor relatives and poor and poor people or holy monasteries and poor rural churches. Wake up! To the judge of righteousness of the whole earth I hand over my wife and sister-in-law, who were evil with me, kidnapping, deceitful, unscrupulous. Glory to Your wonderful, living, all-holy, all-sweet, all-saving name: with it You performed both yesterday and today great miracles of mercy, intercession, deliverance, salvation, renewal, peace, when I with great [faith] called upon it and applied it to my heart in church during and outside of worship, on the road and in homes here and in the capital. Today I left for the first time - I lived and served in Kronstadt for a week. [...]. Let me not have a single shadow of bitterness towards my household, who have done the greatest deceit to me; May I leave judgment over them to God alone and may I have pity on them, who have [wasted] so many of their souls, while before their eyes there were only good examples in the house, and not bad ones: I did not give them temptation. I thank the Lord, who worked miracles in me in His name during Matins, Liturgy and after them in the church (cathedral) and outside it in Kronstadt, then in the carriage who broke and abolished the forces of hell in me, then in the capital many times in different houses (especially in the apartment of the Smirnovs - a sick merchant, for several months): grief at the distance and behind the scenes and falling away from the commandment of love, rebellion and peace for secret repentance and faith in the Lord. God! I thank You, for in Your righteousness I denounced my household thieves and predators, and disgraced their faces, and did not allow insolence, untruth and lies, greed and ingratitude to reign before You, but always cleansed me from all iniquities day and night for unceasing repentance to You; give the mind of repentance to them, who have burned their conscience, scorching their souls secretly with Thy righteous judgment, for Thy judgment is not human. Continuous deliverance, salvation, healing, peace of heart, constant help from the Lord during and outside the service, in the city and in the carriage, in the capital and on the way back. I thank the Lord for my constant presence and deliverance. Who is God as great as our God? Thou art the God who works wonders: Thou hast said in men and in me Thy power [Ps. 77:14–15]. I thank You, Lord, that You did not allow the bodiless and carnal enemies to rejoice at my small grief - the theft of public treasures from me, but enlightened and consoled me, inspiring me to trust not in perishable wealth, but in God, who abundantly supplies everything for good. I thank you for you did not allow my heart to yearn and miss what was stolen. Sunday and Monday. I thank the Lord for constant salvation for the sake of His name, both in the church and outside, and in the city of Kotlin, and Petrov, and in the carriage, and on a sled, and on land, and at sea. Thank you for your continued help in prayer. He handed it over to the Righteous Judge, it is said about the Lord Jesus Christ, when they slandered Him, when they reviled Him, beat Him, and nailed Him to the cross [1 Peter 2:23]. What about us? Are we really going to sue each other when we are offended, robbed, when our family members slander us and slander us? Let us hand over to the Judge of righteousness those at home who have become our enemies because of their vain, secular, luxurious life. May our heart not deviate towards the world and corruption of all things, and may it not fall away from love for God and neighbor for the sake of self-interest and carnal pleasures, but may it be strengthened day by day in the fear of God and the love of God and neighbor. Wake up. And may the Lord do this in us. May He illuminate with His light my household who have fallen into the darkness of wickedness, and may He teach them to work for the Lord, who in all the contentment of this life do not work for Him at all and have forgotten Him and the truth that life is not a toy, but has great meaning and purpose, and that God will have to answer for everything, and that life is changeable and instead of contentment poverty can come, instead of joy - tears and grief. Woe to you who laugh now! for you will mourn and lament [Luke 6:25]. I was subjected to a grave temptation of grief, embarrassment, crowded conditions and the scorching fire of hell today after mass, when I communed the Holy Mysteries to those who came, forbidding those who lived in Kronstadt and received communion often from approaching the Holy Chalice, for then a poor young girl Matrona came up to the Holy Chalice and, when I did not allow it, she began to complain and scream, and when I ordered her to be taken out, she began to scream even louder and slander me and embarrassed the whole church. For a long time I struggled with a terrible temptation, and finally the infinite grace of God through faith and secret repentance overcame the hell that was in me, and I completely calmed down after using the Holy Mysteries. I should have given her communion without talking and without envying Matrona’s frequent communion, without talking, especially when her sister asked. I committed a grave sin. Forgive me, Lord! And I thought: I’ll give her communion - and everyone else will come, but the Holy Mysteries were running out, and there might not be enough for those coming. I thank the Lord for repeated deliverance from the snares of the evil one in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg and for assistance in prayers, for pacifying my soul from passions. I thank the Lord for countless help and deliverance these days from early morning until late evening and for the sanctification and pacification of my soul, confused by the streams of my iniquities and passions. I thank the Lord, who revealed the innocence of my soul in the burglary of treasures and pointed out the real thief in the person of my sister-in-law Anna Tsvetkova, the mother of two virgin daughters. I condemn myself for eating fish and drinking wine on the eve of Epiphany, when I should have kept a strict fast and abstained from fish and excessive consumption of wine. From intemperance, defilement occurred in a dream from an unclean action according to the action of the devil. God, cleanse me, a sinner, and have mercy on me. I thank the Lord, who never ceases to have mercy and save me, a sinner, through faith and the prayer of my repentance at every hour. Make my steps in Your paths, O Lord [Ps.16:5]! I thank the Lord, who worked miracles in me during Matins and early mass, and consumed the corruption of sin in me, and planted renewal in me through the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries, and gave me boldness in prayers in St. Petersburg (at Countess Stenbock Vera Mikhailovna and at the baptism of baby John at Vasily Ivanovich and Varvara Mironovna, then again and again in different places). God! Forgive me for the sin of carelessly performing proskomedia and prayers for visitors and communion in the homes of the sick, and teach me to perform all services sincerely, willingly, with patience and slowly. The Holy Apostle Paul said: I count all (every earthly) skill of being, that I may gain Christ [Phil.3:8]. You see, the Apostle honors all earthly blessings: money and treasures in general, splendor, glory, luxury, earthly beauty, health, food and sweet drink - as rubbish, in order to gain Christ. And what do those who are devoted to the world, clinging to its disappearing blessings, act according to the teachings of the devil? They consider [them] to be something important, precious, destined to always, forever remain with them, and they neglect what is truly important, precious and should remain with them forever - God, His truth and holiness, His commandments and statutes, love for God and neighbor, alms, abstinence, purity of soul and body, meekness, humility, kindness, dispassion and non-covetousness, patience and other good deeds. The devil constantly steals our souls from God and from us with flattery, stinging us with the sting of earthly addictions to money, to physical and all other beauty, to luxury, earthly splendor, and completely cooling us towards God and our neighbor and towards the immortal soul, towards good deeds that will forever remain with us and will never be taken away, even with our death. I thank the Lord, from early morning until late evening and until night, who has done good to me and created in me the signs and powers of His mercy in delivering me from the countless evils of the serpent that are brought upon me. I call on the name of the Lord with faith in repentance - and I am saved and renewed, I gain peace, and freedom, and spiritual righteousness. Glory to Thee, invisible King of all creation, unsleepingly ruling His creatures forever. You, Lord, in Your name performed many miracles of mercy and power in me today, when I secretly called on You with faith: You delivered me from countless intrigues, shootings and woundings of invisible archers and made me healthy, peaceful, bold, prosperous in prayers, especially in the Naval Corps, where you were invited to a mentally ill girl. I thank and glorify You, Lord, every day and hour and I pray to You to completely heal my larynx, wheezing from hoarseness and weakness, and to grant it, as before, strength, purity, clarity and loudness for the glory of Your name and the consolation of Your faithful. Wake up! Amen. God! You yourself expose Anna [the thief] of my treasures, who brazenly stole and brazenly locked herself away. May Your truth triumph, O Lord, everywhere. I thank the Lord for His unceasing mercies and strength in me, for deliverance from the incessant demonic wiles, wounds, pressures, killings, for the granting of deliverance, peace, righteousness, freedom, boldness, spiritual space. I thank the Lord, who, after three weeks of voicelessness in my throat, again opened my larynx for clear and loud reading and singing about the glorious deeds of Him and His saints in the Church of God and in the houses of the faithful. I thank the Lord, who worked in me countless miracles of mercy and salvation during matins in the cathedral, early mass in the Duma Assumption Church and after mass, and who delivered me from my passions. I thank the Lord for your boldness in prayers in the capital, among other things, with Grand Duke Mikhail Mikhailovich and Senator Schmidt. The Grand Duke allocated eleven thousand rubles for the installation of icons. Thank the Lord! I thank the Lord for the incessant, countless powers of my salvation, manifested in delivering my weakness from the wounding and killing of my ethereal enemies, who are constantly seeking to devour me, especially during mass, and everywhere, in every place. Glory to Your holy name, which continually works wonders in me, O Lord. At the merchant Durdin Andrey, before and during the prayer service, You performed wondrous deeds of salvation in me, wonderfully reviving me, killed by sin, and delivering me from confusion and cramped conditions, and bestowing peace, boldness, and spiritual space. Glory to You! And in other houses the Lord also worked His powers in me. Oh, how wonderful and life-giving is Your holy name, our Lord. God! You constantly crush the forces of the enemy within us and drive away the demons of the regiment. Do this with all Your people, O Lord, so that they all glorify You. These days were full of Your mercies from morning to night, in churches and outside them, on land and at sea, in the city and in the capital, in villages and in the carriage: everywhere deliverance, pacification, healing, affirmation, boldness, resurrection of my soul, killed by sins and the machinations of demons. I praise and thank You, Lord! I thank the Lord for the miracles of intercession of my weakness from evil demons in the church during and after the liturgy and outside the church. All day long Your mercy is in me, O Lord! I praise You and thank You. I thank the Lord, who created in me wondrous powers of salvation during matins in the cathedral, mass in the House of Diligence, especially after mass for [Xenia], and on the road, and in the capital in different houses, and who granted me with boldness, without stumbling, to call on His name. In His Name, the Lord delivered me from a hundredfold evil and bestowed countless blessings on my weak and humble soul. Grant me, Lord, to hunger and thirst for humiliation, reproach, insult, beating, deprivation of property as a cure for my many-passionate soul, and not humiliation of others, not to revile [them] and not at all have enmity and hostility towards them, but to love them, respect, pity them as one-natural, although erring and sick with sins, as my doctors against their own will. (Forgive me, Lord, that I was angry with my sister-in-law Anna for her theft; enlighten her and turn her Yourself to the path of truth, convict her and bring her to my feet in repentance and awareness of her guilt, so that she will not perish without repentance and may not be expelled from Your Kingdom.) I thank the Lord, who returned to me my voice, which was exhausted for four weeks - from the first day of the Nativity of Christ until today, January 22. With a solemn, pure, deep, loud voice, I glorified the resurrection of Christ, and the Mother of God, and the holy Apostle Timothy, and the holy Martyr Anastasia. I thank the Lord for delivering me from severe sorrows, confusion and oppression from the enemy and for giving me righteousness, peace and freedom with boldness and joy in the Holy Spirit. For a long time, Tsvetkova’s sister-in-law has been noticed in theft and theft, first of small things (paper, postage stamps and other items), in rummaging through the drawers at the writing desk, and now in large thefts; she is an inveterate thief, by habit, by passion, by profession, and it is not surprising: she lives forever in idleness, doing nothing, going to theaters, balls, masquerades, hippodromes. Turn her, Lord, to the path of repentance, so that she and her daughters, who have been taught idleness and idle shows, will not perish. Amen. Wake up! Monday. I thank the Lord for deliverance from demonic storms and the flames of hell over bickering in the church, and my grief at those bickering, and striking a woman on the cheek, and punching with anger and rage the sexton Kiselyov for forgetting to give my stole with the prayer book and went home, and I went to St. Petersburg without the necessary stole; I repented for a long time, finally I was pardoned, delivered from oppression and torment, and had boldness in my prayers. Glory to the Lord! I was in Moscow on January 25 and 26, where the Lord prospered me in everything in prayers and interviews, especially with Madame M. P. Duhamel 138, a very pious person. I thank the Lord, who has given me a prosperous path and preserved me from all the snares and charms of the enemy. Visited Nikolai F. Samarin, an elder. Magnificent palazzo. I thank the Lord, who miraculously and endlessly saved me from early morning until late evening from my passions and sinful tendencies, from confusion, sorrow and oppression, and who granted me mercy, purification, sanctification, justification, peace, freedom and joy of heart. My foot is one hundred [Russian: stands] in the right [Ps. 25:12] by the grace of Christ. How numerous and subtle are the manifestations of the old man in us, of his deep, terrible corruption! Every hour, every minute and second, the thorns of sin strengthen to crush a small portion of the wheat, or moral goodness in us, and completely destroy the poor soul, created in the image of God with such wonderful, God-like properties that can be perfected indefinitely, for it is said: be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God [Lev.19:2], and be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect [Matthew 5:48]. And how one must pity every person who perishes in sins, how one must grieve for his errors, passions, vices, evil inclinations and inclinations, pity, and not be angry with him, not hate and despise him, not wish for his death, which is so terrible that no mind can depict the entire horror of the eternal rejection of God and eternal torment. Some saints spent their whole lives in tears, imagining future torments - but what do most people think? They are careless, and many people think and say that there is no torment beyond the grave. This day is full of God’s mercy and salvation for me, a sinner, from early morning until night. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the usual demonic wiles and barking, from confusion and cramped conditions. I thank the Lord for my solemn, loud, heartfelt glorification in reading and singing of His glorious resurrection, and for the delight of all in the service of God (Amen), and for the communion of four hundred faithful Holy Mysteries. Monday. I thank the Lord, who is innumerably strong and immeasurable in mercy towards me, a sinner, and who today poured out a sea of ​​miracles to my soul from early morning until night: in the church and outside it, in Kronstadt, and on the road, and in the capital. (Only with the money changer [Anferov], a rich man with his own magnificent house, it was difficult for me: there was a German, a student at the Mining Institute, and I could not read the Gospel due to weakness - my stomach was getting tight, and I was helpless.) Tuesday. Eliki showed me many and evil sorrows; and turning 139 thou hast quickened me [Ps.70:20]. This is how it happened to me today; This happened and happens almost every day. Many, heavy, evil sorrows befall me from bitter demons and from my passions nesting within me, but for faith and repentance the Lord constantly delivers from them, pacifies, calms, spreads, consoles and strengthens me, makes me cheerful and gracious. Glory to His immeasurable mercy! Glory to His invincible goodness and power! (In Kronstadt, during and after the service, and in the capital, in many houses, especially in Nikolai Ivanovich and Nadezhda Ivanovna Kokovtsev, His name created wonderful changes in me, quickly delivering me from confusion, crampedness and shame, from impatience and grief that happened to Mrs. Ratch, and also in her sister, cousin Ratch before the prayer service.) I thank the Lord, who has given me again a pure, strong, deep, loud voice - my joy in life and the glory in me of God and His saints, for in church I constantly honor and sing and glorify Him, the All-Creator and God and my Savior, and His Most Pure Mother, and the holy Angels, and His holy saints; For a whole month I was deprived of my voice by carnal weakness (scrofulous rush to the larynx); but the Lord heard my prayer - the scrofula was cleared from the stomach, and I regained my voice. How hard it is to be deprived of it! The same as deprivation of life! And in fact, a good vocal organ is the life of a believer and who always wants to glorify the Lord and His saints, our intercessors and prayer books and His saints, the adornment and glory of the Church of God! Glory to Thee, Lord! How manifold and deadly are the manifestations of the old man in me, worthless, nasty, passionate, crafty, evil, envious, greedy, selfish, loving, proud, voluptuous, voluptuous, proud, ambitious, impatient, murmuring, disobedient, wayward, tyrant, lazy, cowardly, sad, desperate, unfaithful or unfaithful, hypocritical and partial, blasphemous, ungrateful, insensitive, perspicacious, judgmental. I thank the Lord, who worked in me wondrous miracles of goodness, and intercession, and His power in delivering me from the fierce machinations of demons and my wounds and sorrows due to the exclusion of those who often come to communion and the disobedience and tears of one girl (however, this thirst is commendable, occurring because of the ardent love for God, but I misunderstood); both in Kronstadt and in the capital, the Lord gave great boldness in prayers. You have shown me many sorrows and evils, O Lord, and through faith and prayer of repentance, you have again revived me [Ps. 70:20] many times through Your name; You saved me all day, giving me boldness before all people (and I visited and prayed with the Archpriest of the Sergius Cathedral, Father Dimitri Nikitin). Glory to Thee, my wonderful and all-powerful Helper and Savior! During Matins, I was extremely tempted, embarrassed and wounded by the fiery arrows of invisible enemies through the report of the watchman Vasily (altar at the Church of the House of Diligence), that the expense in the church was extremely high, more than the parish. I imagined that the elder Turygin was stealing for the benefit of the architect or someone else. I was not myself, especially during mass! Barely after struggle, reflection and secret prayer, the Lord delivered me from spiritual trouble. I thank the Lord, my Savior, who allows me to know myself, my passions and sins. I thank the Lord, who saves me every day from grave temptations and the wounds of invisible enemies, who in various ways try to destroy me and make me their food. In a church without number, the Lord saved me during matins and mass in the Assumption Church, outside the church, when the widow Stepanida gave me a list of tickets stolen from the treasury by Anna Tsvetkova, my sister-in-law, and the amount turned out to be two thousand seven hundred rubles. I was horrified by the audacity of stealing a woman who had been blessed by me for thirty-four years and with her children, and I was grieved and indignant at her; my heart fell away from God for several hours, regretting the loss; I prayed, shrank, fought with the serpentine poison in me, and finally, in the name of God, through repentance, I overcame my enemies: they bounced back like an arrow, and I calmed down. In different houses (few) the Lord helped me to pray, overcoming the enemies who troubled me. Glory to the Lord for everything! You need to regret not about money - it is a gainful thing, the Lord will send again and is already sending it - but about the kidnapper and her unrepentance, for her soul is in danger of eternal destruction, according to the Scripture: thieves... will not inherit the Kingdom of God [1 Cor. 6:10], but I, a sinner, regret money, these idols of modern people and my heart. This is a great sin. The Lord gave, the Lord has taken away... blessed and glorified be the name of the Lord! [ Job 1:21 ]. So, Lord, have mercy on the soul of Your servant Anna, enlighten her with repentance, calm her insensitive and ungrateful and impudent, instill in her the need for work and prayer - she is without work and without prayer and perishes in idleness and laziness. And teach my wife piety and Your fear, awaken their sleeping consciences, convict them, light the fire of repentance in them, remind them of death, of Your Last Judgment, bring shame to the kidnapper Anna and give her cleansing tears, for the end is near for everyone, death is behind them. These days are full of God’s mercy and deliverance towards me, a sinner: everywhere the Lord saved me without number, delivering me from grave sorrows in His name and from the inclinations of grief, bitterness, hostility, impatience, voluptuousness, fear of demons and granting me justification, peace, freedom, boldness, attracting the hearts of people to me everywhere and granting success in prayers for myself and for people. I visited Grand Duchess Alexandra Iosifovna in the Marble Palace at five o’clock in the evening on the 7th. I thank the Lord, who was my Helper and Deliverer these days in Kronstadt and in the capital while serving in homes and in the women’s monastery. I thank all the sisters for the tears of tenderness and for the cordial affection towards me. I praise You, Lord, who never ceases to save and have mercy on me, unworthy. I thank the Lord, who works constant miracles of mercy, protection and salvation in me from morning to evening. The stomach is not good: it constantly weakens without pain; weakness in the body, in movements. I didn’t go to St. Petersburg, I went out of town to get some air; I came home - there was nothing lean, I ate chicken and meat soup with gusto; went to bed; warmed up after the cold; before awakening, unclean, dream, defilement in a dream. It's from meat; If I hadn’t eaten meat, this wouldn’t have happened; This is how harmful failure to fast is! God, have mercy on me and cleanse me. Diarrhea, I think, is what female cleansing is: scrofula is cleansed, the chest is cleansed, the whole body is cleansed. Conclusion: eat as little as possible. My body's need is very small. Let me note this to myself. When I teach others, I do not teach myself [Rom.2:21]; I give wonderful instructions to the participants before confession - I myself destroy with my deeds what I say: I get irritated with many, I disdain, I deny honor not in word, but in deed; when they invite people to their homes to receive the Holy Mysteries, I get extremely annoyed that they often call me, I shout at those who invite me (not the rich ones), I angrily tore out one by the ears, hit another (Dementyev’s daughter) on the cheek, although he apologized later. And what a fire of hell after all the cramped conditions and shame! Meanwhile, we must rush to the sick with joy, as to Christ, for they are members of His body, His brothers and sisters and my members. Oh, how absurd and disastrous are our passions: anger, self-interest, voluptuousness, hard-heartedness, contempt for one’s neighbor, envy and greed, and others! But how merciful and long-suffering is the Lord, who does not want the death of the sinner, but conversion and life. Although these sins of mine were also grave (anger and rage because of the love of money, for I was in a hurry to St. Petersburg for money), the Lord accepted my repentance in the altar of the cathedral at the holy throne and for the sake of His holy name He allowed and forgave my fierce sins, took away my shame, my oppression, my sorrow and revived and pacified me, as if my fierce sins had not existed! Glory to His long-suffering and invincible mercy! Grant me, Lord, quietness, meekness, kindness, humility, sincere, deep, firm, constant love! It is necessary to conclude terms with the engineer who has undertaken to supervise the construction of the church in Sura so that he gives me a program of his actions, as a church builder, and gives a written report afterwards. Write a letter through Rusanov. Glory to Your name, Lord, who has worked in me miracles of great mercy and revitalization of my soul, killed by sins, throughout the whole day. Wednesday. Great are the miracles of Your salvation in me and innumerable: and on this day, from morning until late evening, You destroyed the passions of my heart, pacified me, revived me and gave boldness in prayer to the nobles of this world: Dolgorukova, Shakhovsky and others. Thank you, Master. Today there was no mass according to the rules, but You remained in me, Lord! I thank You, Lord, for I am full of Your mercies and powers, a sinner, even this day, in the church, and in the carriage, and in the houses of Your people. I send up unceasing glory to Your name, O Lord my God! She was seriously tempted through covetousness: [...] she sent a letter from [...] to the sources that flow to me, money, so that I would not open them to the encroachers of her property, and her letter confused me to the depths, and throughout Matins and Mass and then the road it tormented me. Your money has been stolen, I said to myself, what else are you waiting for? [everything that is hers is hers]; even though they were stolen, it was my own, and I deducted from them in order to give back what was in my custody; and God sends it to me; chasing money, you will lose both God and your neighbor, and you will destroy your soul. Consider everything earthly as rubbish, no matter what your heart clings to. All is dust and decay. I thank the Lord for the miracles of strength, mercy, deliverance and salvation regarding the embarrassment and tightness that overwhelmed my soul due to the incident with Muratova, who began to find fault with me in the carriage when I was on my way to St. Petersburg, and pushed her, who pushed me. I thank the Lord for all the constant miracles of His mercy in me and in Kronstadt, and in St. Petersburg, and in Moscow, where I was for two days, for all the salvation manifested in me, for all the help in prayers, for all the countless affection towards me of my compatriots and fellow church members, or fellow members of Christ, male and female, for all the abundance of material sacrifices brought and offered to me, and for a huge sale of books consisting of my sermons. And I, an unworthy servant of God, who has done nothing worthy, who has sinned more than any man, have been granted such unspeakable blessings from the Lord. What, when will I repay You, Lord, for this, since You have made me equal to those who previously pleased You and were glorified by You in every generation and generation in ancient and middle and present times? I glorify your incomparable and wonderful goodness and power in all, the only pure and incorruptible Lord, in Three Persons, both worshiped and glorified for all ages. Have mercy, O Lord, on all Your people, enlighten all their heartfelt eyes, destroy the passions of their hearts, forgive them voluntary and involuntary sins, give them all zeal for the fulfillment of Your holy, ever-animal commandments and save them for the sake of Your holy one. Amen. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace before His people in the capital of Petrova (St. Petersburg) to pray with different people (Mikhail F. Korovin in the Engineering Castle, an officer in Galunov’s house at the clock, and others). Thank you for the good journey by sea - twenty-five miles. The abyss of God's mercy and deliverance has been with me these days from morning to evening. I thank the Lord for His countless salvation of my weakness from invisible enemies and my passions. There is a great difference between the righteous and the sinful, between the holy and the wicked. A righteous and holy man's heart is a throne on which God sits and rests; The heart of the sinful and unclean is the throne of the devil, it is the receptacle of every unclean passion, an idol or church full of idols: self-interest, ambition and voluptuousness. God rests in the saints; the devil abides and works in sinners. Saints are dear and venerable to everyone - sinners are disgusting and disgusting to everyone; saints smell fragrant in soul and body; sinners emit a stench from soul and body. Repentance must be deep, sincere, complete, comprehensive, firm, with the decisive intention to correct, renew, and turn to the path of truth and virtue. What kind of repentance do people usually have? Superficial, insincere, one-sided, weak, without a decisive intention to improve, with the secret intention of sinning again and living to please ourselves, and not God, our true Life. Ungrateful and passionate, self-loving, we often and very often betray our Lord in our thoughts and feelings, running over to the side of His and our enemy - the devil, with any passionate feeling or infatuation, and only then we come to our senses and, through tearful repentance, return to Him again, [seeing] all the disastrous charm of sin and the deceit and cruelty of Beliarov. The abyss of renewal, the abyss of salvation from the Lord from early morning until evening. I thank the Lord and will not stop thanking as long as I live. How many blessings! How much mercy and patience for my sins! How many resurrections from spiritual deaths! Gloriously, Christ God has been and is glorified in me by His long-suffering, His life-giving power to the dead, His myriad miracles, His hasty obedience, quick intercession, His Divine simplicity, accessibility, closeness. May Thy holiness flourish in me, O Lord, after all the struggles with my sinfulness, may Thy shrine reign in me, O Lord, according to the reign of sin in me! Amen. Your name, Lord, constantly works miracles in me, defeating passions and demonic excuses; I hope that it also works miracles in other believers and those who call on Your name with me. Glory to You, the Sun of Truth, Christ our God! I hope that [it] works miracles all over the world through the prayers of the Mother of God, the holy Angels and all the saints, and tames and defeats the passions of people and the cunning of demons. Amen. Glory to Your power, Lord! For Yours is the whole universe, Yours is the sky and Yours is the earth and the underworld, and there is no other one who holds creation except You, the Creator of creation, visible and invisible. Reign, O Son of the Mother of God, subduing under the nose of the faithful, visible and invisible enemies of Yours and ours. Amen. Your holy name worked wonders in me from morning to evening, delivering, pacifying, renewing. Glory! Your name, Lord, called upon many times with faith and repentance, performed in me many miracles of mercy, life and salvation on this day of the month of March, the first month of spring, delivering me from the devil’s fierce anger against the reader John Paul. for his oversight and forgetfulness (he forgot to give his stole when leaving for St. Petersburg yesterday and sang in the wrong voice for Matins). Glory, glory, glory to the Lord! You continually perform in me, Lord, miracles of salvation and rebirth, for I continually fall into spiritual death through sins and lose You, Life, and then again I partake of Your grace and life for faith and repentance. You perform the great sacrament of salvation in all people through the universal, life-giving and terrible sacrifice of Your Body and Blood; Your faithful know and feel this. Glory to You! What will I repay You for all Your mercies? Grant us to love You with all our hearts all the days of our life, for You are our God and giver of life. Amen. God! Reconcile me completely with the memory of the late sovereign Emperor Alexander II, which was insulted and defamed in me by the enemy of human salvation and the original murderer, who brought him, our good sovereign, to the violent death, who, according to his strength, did good to his people and other peoples of the same tribe and foreign peoples and atoned for his sins with a violent, painful death. What even greater punishment could there be for his human and royal sins he committed in life? And reconcile me with all people, the King of the world, whose memory the incorporeal enemy has insulted in me, and even insults me with rancor; Grant me to forgive everyone everything for Your sake: I am guilty before everyone, and not those against whom I had and have resentment - my evil disposition is the cause of all evil. The name of the Lord worked miracles all day long in me here and in the capital from morning to evening. Glory to Your name, Lord! Friday. Today the name of God helped me continuously from morning to evening and morning, especially when making confession for a crowd of a thousand or more people. I often went to the altar to the holy throne and touched it with faith in the One sitting on it - and was constantly healed. I came home at three and a half o'clock in the morning. About the Most Reverend Anthony, rector of the Academy 140, I heard something extraordinary in confession. May the Lord have mercy on him, as David the forefather sinned, and may he have mercy on me through their prayers - His Grace Anthony and the holy forefather. Boo