Декабрь 1882 г.

Wednesday. What will I repay to the Lord for all the spiritual joy that my spiritual children, sons and daughters of God, rejoice in the house of prayer - in the church of God - through my sincere service? What will I repay to the Lord for all His powers and mercies that work in me every day and hour? I thank the Lord for the abundant, sweet tenderness during Matins and the very, very animated reading and singing of the canons of the Cross, the Mother of God, the martyrs and the holy prophet Nahum. An hour and a half in the afternoon, at the gymnasium. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from cramped conditions (from sleeping during the day), from the bonds of hell while walking along the panel opposite the Summer Garden (right side). Four and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of repentance and mercifully accepted my repentance for hardness of heart and robbery towards the poor (I hit another, pulled another by the hair, pushed another). I was extremely excited, shocked, irritated (I pushed one beggar by the hair out of the church in anger when he began to ask for more for the given fifty kopecks), and burned with hellish fire. And for repentance, the Lord had mercy, sent dew from heaven, cooling, pacifying, cleansing, merciful, and I sweetly sang and read in the choir. After Vespers, I sinned again - I kicked an annoying boy who had already received alms. Again he sincerely repented - and again he was pardoned. The commandment of God is brief, containing in itself the entire law of God to man, namely the commandment of love for God and neighbor [Matthew 22:37-40], but there are countless and very diverse particular cases in life in which this commandment must be applied to action, or fulfilled, and we constantly stumble, fall and are crushed when it comes to applying it to particular cases. Why? Because they have not learned to value love above and beyond anything in the world and have not comprehended its important, vital meaning; because we have become attached to vanity and are chasing after vanity, dust and decay; because we falsely love ourselves, falsely understanding love, that we are proud, ambitious, vain, envious, impatient, lazy, careless. Six o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for deliverance, as a result of my sincere repentance, from the harmful consequences for the soul of voluptuousness, or momentary mental adultery in Y. K. Markov’s apartment from Anna’s extreme affection, and then for the secondary deliverance in church before Vespers. Marvelous is the power of the heartfelt invocation of the name of Jesus Christ! Through this, all passions are destroyed and purified. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the voluptuous wounding of my heart in the apartment of Evlampia I. Shlyapnikova through the prayer of repentance and who gave me, instead of confusion and crampedness, peace and spaciousness of heart, instead of sin, righteousness and holiness. Here and at the same time, I was greatly tempted by reading the petition of Paraskeva Kovrigina, an old maid (pious to the point of eccentricity and superstition), to the sovereign about my imaginary prophecy about the violent death of the late sovereign and about the miracles performed by me; I was upset, angry, angry at this old maid and at the others who were there, especially at Evlampia Ivanovna, who justified Kovrigina’s act, and I pushed Kovrigina hard, so that she fell, and I pushed Shlyapnikova hard with my feet and hands when she bowed down at my feet. I completely lost my temper, agitated, irritated, oppressed and killed in my soul, fearing the consequences of the insane boldness of my statement to Emperor Kovrigina about my imaginary prophetic gift and prediction. They remained faithful in love, meekness and humility towards me, but I became embittered against them - I sinned against the Lord! Strengthen me in love, Lord! Change your heart, destroy enmity, Lord! There is no limit to how much love she showed me! Meanwhile, I insulted her often, and she endured all the insults with meekness and humility, kindness, with amazing devotion, with undying love! And all the sisters love me dearly! Am I at enmity against them? Blessed are they in their faith! But I have little faith and fear, evil-willed, proud and life-loving! In ten minutes. Glory to the wonderful, glorious triumph of Thy grace, O Lord, over my malice, over the deceit of the devil and all his malice in me, with which he killed me when I read Kovrigina’s said petition in Shlyapnikova’s apartment. For by repentance and faith in the grace of the Lord, which overcomes all the deceits and malice of the enemy, I was delivered from deadly oppression and sorrow, my soul rose from the dead, was pacified, expanded, consoled, enlightened, and encouraged. Glory to Your miracles, Lord! Glory to Your victory over hell! Glory to Your wonderful faith! I thank the Lord, who crushed the deadly bonds of hell in me and bound me with the sweet and vast bonds of His love! I thank the Lord, who, through an all-good and all-wise providence for me, a sinner and a weak person, delivered me from the enemy temptation that lay before me to continue Vespers in the cathedral in the indignation of the devil instead of Father Alexander, who was at the congress of justices of the peace. Soon after I began the service, he came to the church (to the altar), and I handed over the service to him, and I myself stood on the choir. My embarrassment was because I drank wine at a party just before vespers, forgetting about my obligation to serve vespers. Yes, it is extremely necessary to avoid wine during the daytime, especially its excess: it soon disturbs a person’s spiritual structure and deprives him of grace. True, yesterday before Vespers, I fell to the holy throne, through faith and repentance I wrested from the Lord forgiveness, deliverance and peace, but this peace the enemy could easily shake and tear out again and again disturb my soul. I thank the Lord, the all-powerful Helper, who showed His great help to me during the service of the prayer service with Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova, when the power of wine acted in me and darkened my feelings; Strengthened by faith and repentance through the secret grace of God, I overcame the temptation of confusion and darkness and served well. When compiling a science of worship, pay attention to the meaning, importance and power of the priestly blessing: how priests should teach, and the laity should receive the blessing. Friday. There was a terrible burden and tightness in me today during early mass, especially because I was angry with Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina yesterday and did not give her a blessing today, although she came to me for it, and so, without giving her peace, I served mass. I forgot the words of the Lord: if you forgive people their sins, then your Heavenly Father will also forgive you, and if you do not forgive people their sins, then your Father will not forgive you your sins, and: forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors [Matthew 6:14–15;12]. There was extreme pain and nervousness in the right side - was it due to wine? Glory to Your wonderful name, Lord! During Matins and especially Mass, I was honored with the greatest deliverance from spiritual troubles inflicted by opposing forces, and with great boldness and spiritual triumph while reading and singing the canons from the Octoechos and Menaion. During mass, the Lord gave life-giving tears of tenderness, which cleansed the filth of my heart and gave me great boldness at the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and at the end of the Holy Liturgy, great boldness at the expulsion of evil spirits from the servant of God Anna, whom he expelled by invoking the glorious name of Christ God, and the woman, who previously could not stand the sight of the Holy Chalice and fought with terrible screams on the church floor, approached calmly and joined without judgment. While serving a prayer service in the evening with Vyacheslav Nikolaevich Kostorev (captain), the Lord helped me very, very much: I was resurrected, became a new man, strong and courageous from the weak and fearful. When I was baptized by Mr. [...], a mechanic, the Lord helped me tremendously to perform the Sacrament, especially to say the prayers. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly consequences of cruel, evil and fornication, when I sincerely repented, kneeling before the icons of the Lord and the Mother of God in my apartment at eight and a half o’clock in the evening. Glory to the gracious and beneficial Lord! When I came out with the Holy Gifts during mass and said: Come with the fear of God and faith, the possessed Anna fell to the floor and began to roll around and scream; when I, together with the others, at the end of mass, began to pray to God for her, she fell again, and the demon began to beat her hard and scream - calling on the name of God was unbearable for him; when I laid the cross on her, it was the same; when I blew into her mouth, she spat, but not much: obviously, the demon did not dare, afraid to fight with the Spirit of grace that was in me - and finally, through her persistent prayer and beating, he came out; the patient became calm and completely free from the spirits of malice, began to be baptized, calmly began to receive the Holy Mysteries, after listening to prayers. God bless! And today the Lord works miracles of His power and mercy, clearly demonstrating the truth and saving power of His faith, the power and threat of His name for demons, the saving power of the Sacraments, the grace and power of the church priesthood, the power of pastoral prayers. But grant me, Lord, to expel from my soul all passions: self-love, anger, malice, envy, vanity, gluttony, greed, fornication, disobedience, impatience, cowardice, demonic timidity, grumbling, disrespect, evil suspicion, laziness, negligence, hard-heartedness and stinginess. This is more important than casting out demons from people possessed by them. God! Help us to achieve Your perfect holiness and truth, which the demons and our sinful habits and passions so fiercely and constantly resist in us. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the countless salvation that was revealed to me during Matins and early mass, which I served, especially at the beginning of Matins, when my heart was in a state of mortification after dismissal and after the prayer to Christ, the true Light; but most of all I thank you for deliverance during the Liturgy from the sting of the devil (at the beginning of the Liturgy and after the Great Entrance) and for the gift of tearful streams before, and during, and after the Sacrament; at the prayer behind the pulpit, the enemy killed me with the violence of embarrassment and cowardice; I spoke the sermon well; he stole his leave and suffered for it. At prayer services throughout the day, the Lord constantly showed me His help during attacks by invisible enemies. God bless! Nikola's day. He performed Matins and the Liturgy under many temptations and struggles, under many wounds from demons, but all of them were safely passed by the grace of Christ God; During mass the Lord gave tears of tenderness. Out of embarrassment and fear of the demons, I didn’t read all of the prayer behind the pulpit and crushed the dismissal. There were many prayers in houses, served until four o'clock in the evening. There were many temptations of the enemy during the service of prayers, the enemies irritated me mercilessly, tormented me, pressed me mercilessly, not allowing me to speak praises or exclamations of litanies, praises, prayers. They earned more than forty rubles. In the evening I read for the people about St. Nicholas the Wonderworker in the House of Diligence. Many times I fell into devilish anger and irritation at the beggars who pursued me with requests; In anger, he tore out two beggars by the hair in the evening (he gave one forty, the other twenty kopecks); fell into hellish fire and oppression, lost the mercy of God, the dew of God’s grace; I began to intensely repent and beg the all-conquering grace of God to forgive my sins, and - oh, a wonderful miracle, a wondrous miracle! “Every time the Lord brought my soul out, as it were, from the underworld and returned to me His sweet peace, the grace-filled life of my heart. Glory to His infinite mercy, invincible by our malice! How many times a day do I receive salvation! Nadezhda Stepanovna Britneva served a prayer service in the morning, at first decently, and then he was overcome by devilish obsession and arrogant violence, indignant - and lost his way in the service, became embarrassed, was afraid and did not utter prayers and exclamations and dismissal, received a spiritual ulcer; He repented strongly on the way and finally received peace and freedom. I thank the all-merciful Lord for the spiritual pleasure of the canons and stichera after deliverance from cramped conditions. I thank the Lord for delivering me, after prolonged languor and hardship due to hardness of heart towards the poor, from my sins and for giving me peace, freedom and life. (Walked near the Summer Garden for half an hour, from twelve to half [past twelve].) I thank the Lord, who granted me deliverance from anger and suspicion towards my family, with which I was tormented when I came home from the gymnasium and sat at the table, and who granted me peace, freedom, spaciousness and life of heart for the prayer of faith and repentance before the image in the hall (I was kneeling in the living room). I suspected my family of stealing various things and money from my table, but this suspicion was from the evil one and from my covetousness and addiction to perishable things. Eight o'clock in the evening. I praise and thank the Lord for deliverance by His mercy from bitter sorrows and oppression at the beginning of Vespers, after Vespers and after leaving the church and returning to it for the sake of the supplication of my Master and Lord and at home, in my temporary dwelling, and for the gift of reconciliation, silence, peace, freedom and boldness before God. These sorrows and hardships befell me because of my hardness of heart and anger towards the beggars, who persistently and in large numbers demanded alms from me; when I sincerely condemned myself for hardness and stinginess and turned from my heart to the mercy of God, then I soon received forgiveness and great mercy. While visiting the Markovs, I was extremely touched, even to the point of carnal feelings, by the tenderest, most heartfelt expressions of their love, and therefore I was wounded in my soul. Therefore, going home, I sincerely repented, prayed to God that I would be a bearer and exponent of the love of Christ, or the gospel, and not carnal and worldly, I condemned myself in certain feelings, and the Lord granted tears of tenderness and cleansing of sins. What a generous, eternal reward is appointed from God for alms to people, and I, cowardly and ungrateful, think when giving alms that I am doing too much for the poor, who are unworthy of generous and even any kind of alms, I give reluctantly, pompously, with vexation and anger, forced by necessity and the persistent requests of the poor, sometimes I even dare them with my hands and feet in order to drive them away, since there are many of them. I forget, unfortunate one, that in their person I am not kind or insult Jesus Christ Himself, the most generous Giver of all good things, or in the face of the poor Christ Himself is dear, I serve Him Himself, our God! This is how covetousness blinds the eyes of the heart, how it hardens our minds, making us ungrateful and evil, stingy, vain, absurd, godless! Covetousness truly is idolatry. Evening. And this day is full of miracles of Your mercy to me, Lord! You have vouchsafed me to celebrate early mass today (from Telmyakova) and to receive communion for the revival and joy of Your most pure and life-giving Mysteries and to give Communion to Your two servants - Alexandra (from the Duma, Arkhip’s wife) and Anna, a tall maiden (Kalinin’s servant). But after mass I had the imprudence to eat part (the top) of the prosphora and eat fried smelt (yesterday’s, in vegetable oil) with black soft bread. Oh, how hard it was for me for four or five whole hours (from nine and a half in the morning to two and a half); I couldn't speak in class. Here's a lesson: never eat anything in the morning (especially after mass), especially animal or fish food! I thank the Lord, who surprised me, a penitent, with His mercy and power during Vespers, when, after unclean, embittered zeal for the sloppy, soulless service of the rector of Vespers and Compline, I repented with all my heart and venerated the Holy Altar asking for mercy. The Lord quickly and effectively delivered me and renewed me. Eleven o'clock in the evening. A grave, grave temptation befell me after my evening sleep (from five to seven o'clock). Already sleepy despondency and heaviness produced in me a painful state of mind and predisposed me to irritability, as well as the absence of a sexton for the upcoming prayer service at the birthday girl. I went with the bundle to the prayer service, forcing the beggar boy to carry the bundle; went to the cathedral for Prokop instead of the sexton; I’m going to a prayer service; There are beggars who ask for boots (supports) and clothes. I gave it reluctantly to get rid of it; then again beggars, again asking for supports and a shirt; I got angry with them and gave five kopecks each in annoyance, and then the devil caught me, arousing anger in me, striking me with sorrow and cramped conditions. Oh, how difficult it was for me to serve the prayer service because of the malice of the evil spirits in me; I barely finished the prayer service; went to church in trouble, cramped conditions and sorrow, went into the cathedral, venerated the holy throne in repentance, and the Lord had mercy, although not soon. But why all these troubles? - From voluptuousness and satiety. In the morning after early mass, I ate part of the prosphora, then I ate yesterday’s smelt, fried in oil, and they weighed me down extremely: the belching was severe. It was very difficult for me at the gymnasium. After the gymnasium, I dined and drank wine at the Commercial Club, became heavy again, and after Vespers I slept. The sins of the steward and his wife probably burdened me, but God grant them health and salvation. What impartiality, what meekness, humility, and love of God for people should be filled by a priest, this living source of blessing and grace for his spiritual children, with whom he must deal every day, whom he must bless in the name of the Lord, for whom he must perform divine services, the Sacraments, and rites of faith! Pray sincerely, as a person, for servile 78 people and those who have the greatest need of the grace of God, and for the king and for the entire reigning house, and for the government council, for the Holy Synod, for every bishopric, presbytery, deaconry, for all people of every rank and condition, age and gender, and you yourself will be honored with the greatest grace of God. With the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matthew 7:2]. Jealousy for the glory of the name of God often turns into anger for people who do not care about worship, the glory and praise of God, prayer, petition, thanksgiving, when I see, for example, a fellow archpriest serving carelessly, coldly, insensitively, and to evil and sin I add evil and sin! We must sincerely pray for the careless and negligent, to show love, not hostility! I thank the Lord, who granted me tearful repentance when I went to bed, not having peace in my heart due to the harsh and rude answer to my wife because of the suspicion that she was stealing money and things from my table (oh, stupid passion for earthly things!). I repented of it with tears, and it became so easy, easy and calm in my soul. The Lord had mercy on me and gave me the grace of the Holy Spirit. Do you love life? The Lord is life and the source of life. Do you like sweets? The Lord is endless sweetness and the source of everlasting sweets. Do you love beauty? The Lord is the most incomparable, most luminous, most joyful beauty and the source of the beauty of all creatures, visible and invisible! Do you love fame? The Lord is the God of glory. He, so to speak, is the very glory in His being and gives glory to whomever He wants. I will not give My glory to another, nor My praise to graven images [Isa.42:8]; forever 79 do you not seek the glory that is from the One God? [John 5:44]. Do you love wealth? -Who is richer than God? He possesses everything: heaven and earth, as Creator and Provider, visible and invisible creatures; He creates and transforms, and he can conveniently transform you, the accursed, the beggar, the poor, the blind, the naked, and from being poor because of sins he can make you rich in every virtue, and virtue is wealth, an incorruptible, instealable, eternal, most joyful treasure, miraculously enriching the incorruptible, immortal soul and likening it to the rich God. Are you looking for strength, strength and health, success in all matters? – The Lord is an omnipotent, all-containing force, contributing to all good. Are you looking for light? – He is the Light that enlightens every person coming into the world [John 1:9]. Are you looking for love, do you want love, are you hungry? God is love - says the holy Apostle John the Theologian [1 John 4:8,16], eternal love, love that makes those who love Him with all their heart, with all their strength, with all their mind blessed forever and ever. Do you want peace, quiet and tranquility? The Lord is our peace, an unshakable, imperishable, eternal peace, resting in Himself for all who labor and are burdened with sins and passions and who sincerely repent. Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest [Matthew 11:28]. So, place all your goodness, all your well-being in God, seek Him, strive for Him, love Him, try to have Him in your heart, live in Him, soul, glory, be strong, enjoy, be rich in Him. I thank the Lord for His inexhaustible and rich Providence for the poor, often sending me a share of them from His inexhaustible treasures. Before Matins and during Matins itself today, I was terribly tempted and tormented by invisible adversaries who caught me, as yesterday, through stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor, who pursued me everywhere and today caught up with me at the cathedral (they originally stood at the Murashova fence); I didn’t want to refuse, fearing torment of conscience, but I gave it reproachfully, saying to one: “Where are you, do you live in a tavern? ” and reluctantly giving him twenty kopecks, and the other three five kopecks, although they asked for thirty kopecks each. After this, such sorrow and distress befell me that I did not know how to pray to the Lord, where should I go with my misfortune? Demons, like poisonous snakes, pierced my heart and terribly scorched, oppressed, confused, and killed my soul and body. For a long time I begged the Lord in repentance, touching the holy throne with faith, and after half an hour I was barely freed (and not completely) from mental torment, from the fire of hell. Science: do not indulge in food and drink, do not feast at the expense of others and do not take on their sins. Yesterday I treated myself, and treated many people - and it’s not right that I treat others with strangers. The poor brothers are very meek, gentle, like lambs, and patient towards me and others, but I am irritable, impatient, angry, stormy, proud, money-loving, impudent - proud in word and deed, disdainful, voluptuous, satiated, lazy, careless, suspicious, fearful, cowardly, murmuring, suspicious, sarcastic, rebellious, willful, dreamy, crafty, resourceful. Passions bring fog, darkness, blindness, madness, shame, sorrow, oppression, humiliation, death to the soul; Depression by these troubles turns a person into himself, brings him to the knowledge of his sins, to repentance, to God's mercy and correction of life, admonishes him and makes him cautious in the future. Evening. Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who twice plucked me for tears of repentance from the jaws of Satan and the fire of hell, to which I was subjected for hardness of heart and even for robbery towards the poor, because I severely tore out one big guy by the ears. It was a painful state of mind in the clutches of Satan - and rightly so for me! But the Lord is infinitely merciful to me: His goodness has overcome the abyss of my evils. Saturday. I triumph and glorify God’s greatest salvation for me, which took place during Matins at the beginning, when in heartfelt repentance in my hardness of heart towards the poor, in severity and rudeness, in reluctant, lazy, careless, contemptuous giving of insufficient and meager alms, I fell to the holy altar in the Pokrovsky chapel, asking the Lord for mercy, so that my malice would not overcome Him unspeakable goodness and may the all-conquering goodness of His conquer my malice. After repeated, comprehensive, deep, sincere repentance, the Lord poured out His rich mercy on me, took away anger from my soul, changed my heart, softened, appeased, pacified, cleansed, and I read and sang the canons and stichera with spiritual pleasure. However, from yesterday’s Grechukha air and treats (ready-made punch - two or three teaspoons in tea) I felt a little heavy during the early mass that I served, and by grace I shed abundant tears of repentance and a feeling of spiritual poverty. He took communion with fear and trembling; the sexton was in a hurry, deacon Poletaev was in a hurry, and they, so to speak, drove me, did not allow me to calm down. While taking out the Holy Chalice with the words With the fear of God... and at the communion of the sick baby John (Martha Mikhailovna), hostility began to swell towards the crippled baby and towards the mother who did not take care of her son, deeply confusing and killing my soul (oh, partiality! oh, gluttony! oh, effeminacy and impatience! oh, dislike! oh, pride and contempt!); As a result, I could not read the pulpit, not having boldness before God and people, for I did not have love in my heart. He stole his leave and couldn’t say it out of embarrassment and shame. At the prayer service I read the Gospel restlessly; At the funeral service, dismissal and exclamations were hidden from embarrassment and devilish shame. Only through the consumption of the Holy Mysteries did he get rid of the wiles of the devil. Before early mass, there is no need to treat yourself at all, so as not to fall into the clutches of the devil while serving unworthy, but to maintain strict abstinence. (Alexander Ivanovich Taratin greets me with envy and embarrassment because of the new fur coat he gave me, and he himself has tens of thousands of money. May God forgive him.) In any case, the treat at the Grechukhins’ is very difficult for me, I don’t know why. I ate and drank very moderately, but I read to them so much! An hour and a half! The entire book of Deuteronomy. Their air is bad and dusty. Oh, this evil stinking tobacco smoking! God! Fill my heart with love, make it impregnable to the enmity and malice of the devil, for the devil incites me to malice against innocent babies and the sick, while I needed to shed tears of pity and compassion for others! Like a whirlwind, it finds an adversary for the soul and captivates it, overthrows it, insults it, wounds it. Five o'clock in the evening. After Little Sunday Vespers. I sinned gravely before the Lord now with the beggars who followed me everywhere and entered the church yard: I pushed one persistent boy hard in anger, and he fell like a sheaf; an adult man, about twenty-five years old, was punched in the church; He pushed everyone out of the gate with anger and gave little, since there were many of them. Oh, I am a robber! O villain! Oh, hard-hearted, and even more so, it seems, the more merciful the Lord is to me, who is immeasurably merciful to me and abundantly gives me all kinds of blessings: grace, health, cleansing of sins, salvation, peace, truth, prosperity, honor and glory, earthly treasures, abundant food and drink, a spacious dwelling, ample clothing. I am guilty, guilty, guilty before You, Lord, endless goodness and generosity, immeasurable mercy! Have mercy on me, the daring one who dares to beat Your poor with your hand, from whom You Yourself ask and accept alms, with the hand with which I perform the Sacraments, with which I receive You, the Lamb of God, during the heavenly Divine Liturgy, with which I teach Your most pure Mysteries to Your people. Forgive, Lord, my insolence, forgive the greatest insult that I caused to Your Majesty, Your all-goodness in the face of the poor, and do not expose me, do not condemn me, who repents with all my heart. Here I am, all before You, with all the multitude of my sins, with my despair and along with my hope, I do not dare to ask for Your mercy, for I am unworthy of it, as one who abuses it hourly. But I still have hope of salvation, Your love for mankind still overcomes the multitude of my iniquities; Be me also a Savior - this glorious and sweet name and deed - and deliver me from the wiles of the evil one, who heavily struggles and bickers me, confusing, oppressing, drawing me to sin, to anger, to zeal. Do not judge or punish me based on my deeds. For it is Thine to have mercy and to save us, O our God, and to Thee we send glory, to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who gave me abundant tears of tenderness and deep peace and silence in my heart before the Six Psalms. He repented with feeling. But while reading the Gospel, I was cut short by the devilish fear and could not read the Gospel, skipping almost everything and only saying the initial and final words. What a shame and disgrace, as if I was drunk! What brazen machinations of the devil! What arrows! What dirty tricks! The sweetest words of the Lord Himself are not allowed to be uttered by the adversary. We must take all measures to always and everywhere pronounce the word of God sincerely, reverently, fully, slowly, perhaps in a sing-song manner, if the enemy is cold and persecutes, hurries, confuses, wounds. God! My hope, my strength, help me overcome him. You see the desire of my heart, which has melted away from Your word, the enjoyment of it, the love for it. What was the reason for my weakness, powerlessness in the fight against the worst enemies of our salvation and the glory of God? First of all, satiety: eating fried, fatty fish (bream with rice), then love of love and love, acquisitiveness (a new donated fox fur coat, a massive cross on the chest, etc.), stinginess when giving alms, reluctant giving, forced, with sorrow of heart (from the multitude of beggars and from my greed, hard-heartedness, lack of love). For this I lost God's help. In addition, I hit one beggar in the face before the all-night vigil, and pushed the boy so hard that he fell, which is what I wanted, cruel; tired - I told myself, and I myself was in a warm fur coat, and they, poor people, were wearing something, half naked. What effeminacy, what impatience, irritation! The serpent constantly stabs me in thoughts, words and deeds: I have become a target for him, the target of his hellish kindled arrows. I am in constant struggle with him and am often overcome by him for the sake of the passions living in me, for I have not rejected my many-passionate flesh and my will. Having raised alms to clouds of beggars for so many years, I should have long ago acquired firm faith and hope in the Lord, become confident in His rich and inexhaustible Providence, it would be time to learn self-sacrifice and love for God and neighbors, and when distributing perishable goods, turn my eyes and hopes to the incorruptible life to come, neglecting earthly corruption, and, leaving the earth with sin, to live with my heart in heaven, but I have not yet learned anything like this: I am still burning with the desire for earthly blessings, I am still looking for life and pleasure in them, and not in the Lord alone, I have not yet gained hope in the wonderful and rich Providence of God and therefore I reluctantly give alms to the poor, I get irritated, I am stingy, hard-hearted; Christ has not yet reigned in me, for there are still many earthly idols in me under the image of food and drink, clothing, money, and various things; I have not yet been reborn, I have not become a new, spiritual, heavenly person. Wealth, tinsel, earthly nobility, fame, beauty, luxury also catch my eye and blind the eyes of my heart. Nine and three quarters o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for the quick and great help shown to my soul, which was raped by invisible adversaries in the apartment of Maria Andreevna Petrova before and during the prayer service, which he performed successfully, and in the apartment of Spiridon Dan. [Anuev], before which invisible enemies terribly attacked and carried away with a stream of voluptuousness and which with the help of God I completed successfully, except for the last litany and dismissal, after which I sensed in my soul the deadly poison of the serpent, from which I got rid of by the grace of God at home in my apartment after a diligent, heartfelt short prayer. Glory to the Lord! After late mass. The Lord delivered me today from the greatest misfortune and shame of the people through a prayer of repentance and falling to the holy altar in the altar of the Intercession of the Most Holy Theotokos after a prayer for seditious people, which I could not read out of embarrassment and indignation at the watchman Innocent, who lowered the lamp against the royal gates with a squeal and a crash, for which I reprimanded him and became upset myself. The Lord, through fervent prayer, granted me, a dead soul, life and peace. Seven o'clock in the evening. I commemorate the miracles of God’s power, goodness and mercy during Vespers and after Vespers at the funeral service in the church, and in the apartments of Paraskeva Alekseevna Yudenich (Murashova) and Lieutenant Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev, and at home in my apartment. Before the dismissal, the enemy usually frightened me with his intrigues, instilling despair that I would not be able to pronounce the dismissal, but I took determination and courage about the name of the Lord and pronounced it boldly, firmly, unhurriedly, with dignity. At Compline, the enemy confused me with his dreamy hostility for no reason to the dressmaker Nadezhda, whose son is in the gymnasium (I baptized him), Efimov - I overcame her, but at the sight of her, when I went out to say dismissal, I was embarrassed and did not say it firmly, but quietly. At the funeral service, he overcame the temptations of the enemy and said his dismissal in full, turning to the people. At the prayer service with Yudenich, he overcame all temptations and pronounced expressively and in full all the litanies, exclamations, prayers, and almost the Gospel. With Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev, he overcame all temptations in prayer and performed the prayer service heartily, graciously, peacefully, boldly. When I was walking home, the beggars, extremely immodest, briskly standing on the street in front of the houses where I served prayer services, chased me for alms, but I gave only to a few, refused to many naughty men and naughty girls and went home, and one naughty man opened the gate that I had locked and stopped in it; I got angry and drove him away with a blow to his bare (covered) head, and I myself was mentally wounded to death; He came home deprived of God’s grace and began to repent to the Lord with tears. The most merciful Lord accepted my repentance, delivered me from the sting of death, exchanged an evil heart for a good one, and gave me life and peace with boldness. I am resurrected. Glory to the wonders of His mercy and power! I magnify the mercy of God that was shown to me today during my next matins in the cathedral, before which I treated ten beggars strictly, mercilessly, and cruelly, to whom I gave three kopecks each, although others asked for clothes, but I did not give. That is why severe sorrow befell me, and I tearfully prayed to the Lord for mercy. The Lord bowed down to mercy, had mercy and healed my soul for humility, repentance, and tears. And what grace! What a world! What renewal, space, boldness! Canon 81 was read by the five with the greatest triumph of spirit, with great joy. You see with what zeal and violence Satan is trying to establish his kingdom in the hearts of people and in your heart and destroy everyone; try, too, man, to destroy by the grace of God the kingdom of the devil in you and in people and to plant in them the Kingdom of God, the Kingdom of truth and holiness. Evening. How many wondrous salvations the Lord showed me today during the Liturgy before the Cherubic Song and especially after the Cherubic Song, before and after the Sacrament! The temptations from the invisible adversaries were subtle, cunning, quick, merciless, disastrous; I was at the gaping mouth of Satan, ready to devour me in an instant, and only an intense tearful prayer of repentance saved me many times; Every trifle irritated me: the watchman stared into my eyes, and the jagged screw of the altar board held back and tore the chasuble, and other things irritated me, that is, the devil, through every trifle, introduced his deadly sting into my heart, and I was not far from devouring the killer - the spiritual whale. Without pointing out other people who, under various pretexts, refuse to go to the Great Supper of the Kingdom of Heaven, I am the first, if not in words, then in deeds, to deny because of my earthly passions: I bought land... five pairs of oxen [Luke 14:18–19], that is, I serve the five senses of the body more diligently, working on them for my self-love, and not for God: I daily amuse my eyesight with the sight of beautiful things and am seduced by them; I delight my taste and belly and am seduced by them, because of them I continually fall away from the grace of God: God is my belly; I amuse my ears with vain conversations or I turn my ears away from the cries of the poor begging for alms, I get irritated when I hear their persistent begging; I please the sense of touch with soft, warm and beautiful clothes, soft faces, or I get irritated when I feel something unpleasant with my body, heat or cold, tightness, burden, etc. My working feelings are like oxen: I work for them, for them and for them, and not for God, not for the soul, not for its salvation, purification and sanctification, not for eternal, but for temporary life; I do not mortify my feelings, which so much prevent me from loving God and immortal souls, their enlightenment, correction, salvation, their eternal life and glory; I work in vanity, and not in the righteousness of God, not in the truth of God that endures forever. I am a damned man! Yesterday at the memorial service after mass, the mere sight of the pieces of incense brought by the watchman confused me (why did he bring it at the wrong time, unnecessarily), and I could not say goodbye; At vespers, the excessive warmth of the air embarrassed me terribly, and I was indignant at the guards, I could barely speak the litanies, with extreme moral labor - what effeminacy! How I cannot bear to upset feelings, having become accustomed to always pleasing them; I couldn’t speak at Compline’s final litany; I stole my release. Yesterday after mass I allowed myself gluttony at the Markovs: I ate with pleasure a soft bun with black caviar, grapes and drank sweet tea - just enough to be full, and when I came home from the gymnasium at three o’clock, I ate a strong meat broth for lack of fish soup, and for this I was subjected to embarrassment at Vespers, weakness of heart and coldness, insincerity, demonic fear during the pronunciation of the litanies, I was all upset, because grace, offended by me, left me. I need abstinence, but I don’t have abstinence, I don’t try for it, I’m seduced by sensuality, I serve the belly, not God, accursed, as if forgetting the example of the Lord, who fasted for me (yes, I imitate Him!), the example of all the saints who pleased God by fasting and mortification of passions; I want to take a different path to God, not paved, not smoothed out by the saints, I want to please both God and mammon, meaningless. Tuesday. God! I thank You for the miracles of Your mercy during the Liturgy (and Matins) - for the wondrous victories of Your grace, for the abundant tears of tenderness, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the boldness in reading the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal, for the subsequent victories of grace after the stolen dismissal at the memorial service. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy that was shown to me at five and a quarter o’clock in the evening at home during a prayer of repentance for my anger at Anna Konstantinovna, my sister-in-law, before the image of the Crucified One in the dining room, and for the grace-filled world after sorrow, oppression, and spiritual death. The benefits of performing the holy liturgy or being present at it. It cleanses sins, reconciles with God, gives the greatest and irresistible strength against the enemy the devil, drives away hordes of demons and passions from us and from us, pacifies, enlightens, consoles, renews, fragrant, strengthens the soul, gives lasting health to the body, gives the greatest boldness, expands the heart with love, giving a place in it to all people, saints, living and dead, for the liturgy there is a sacrifice for everyone and for everything, for all saints, for the living and the dead and for all people; it appropriates a person to God, adores him, exalts him to the level of an angel, spiritualizes him, makes him a heavenly citizen from an earthly person, and immortalizes him from a mortal person. It is impossible to count all the benefits brought by the liturgy to the living and the dead: it is a sacrifice of thanksgiving, intercession and propitiation, it is great and saving, filled with immeasurable greatness, holiness, the mercy of God, wisdom, the power of God, fragrance, amazing for Angels and people, terrible for demons and for all of hell, for the entire kingdom of the devil, for it scorches and drives them out powerfully, irresistibly, fearfully. After Matins. I was in a terrible storm, cramped conditions, fear, humiliation from the incorporeal enemy today during Matins; The litany could not speak from demonic fear and oppression, suppression, but he read the verses and canons with great tenderness, intelligently, sensitively, slowly, strongly. The small litanies, except for the last (according to the ninth canto), the supplicating and intense ones, omitted labor for the sake of reading the canons and for the sake of demonic fears. I was extremely weakened in spirit from yesterday’s gluttony and drinking wine at Machigin and Olga Afanasyevna Karpova’s, from the very warm air of her apartment, from eating only wheat bread: I didn’t have lunch yesterday, I didn’t eat soup and black bread, and that’s not okay. Yes, a terrible demonic storm today confused and killed me. Lord, have mercy on me. St. Petersburg parishioners and parishioners came, and they brought me hardships: their money went to the beggars. Have mercy on us all, Lord! For You are the Father of all, God, Creator, Judge, Savior. Despise our many sins and be a Helper and Savior to everyone in everything! Amen. After Vespers. After the relaxation of the heart and the usual temptation of the enemy, I served mass by the grace of God with tenderness and tears, but during communion, when the sexton began to sing instead of the Theotokos or the stichera of the Open the Doors of Mercy, the spirit of malice and wickedness caught me with grief at the sexton and at this very song, as being used too often (oh, wickedness and satiety!), and I was subjected to a terrible, painful, shameful temptation; shame covered my face, and I did not know how to show it to the people; I became completely embarrassed, lost heart, was subjected to hellish tightness, and I danced terribly: Satan wounded me so deadly, so hellishly viciously. The undercoat was blue and old. Was it not the St. Petersburg visitors who brought me into so much trouble? I couldn’t read the prayer behind the pulpit, nor could I say leave. What did those standing in the church notice about me? Have you been tempted by me? And this idea is a disaster for me. I want the name of God to be glorified and not blasphemed through me. Grant, God, this to me. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I thank the Lord that the Lord delivered me from such a terrible temptation when using the Holy Gifts. I think that for my hard-heartedness towards the poor, the Lord deprived me of help against Belial during communion and after communion of the Holy Mysteries on December 15 and because of the singing of Mercy at the door... I was embarrassed and upset at the sexton and, as it were, at the song itself for its frequent use. It is clear that I did not acquire the spirit of this song, the spirit of repentance and perfect, heartfelt devotion and love for the Mother of God: if I had acquired it, I would have been filled with joy while singing it and with hope, no matter how terrible it was that the villain caught me and ate me during this song and prayer, but even before I did not want to sing this song at communion. Are there other beautiful songs that the sexton always sings? Is our Octoechos meager? In a dream I saw the Academy, Predtechensky, Klepachevsky, Trachevsky, serving mass or oblast in my place, but I seemed to have skipped. The singers like the Cherubim sang well... At the entrance or at some other sacred ceremony, Father Paul read out his sins; when I came to the altar, he was very meek and undemanding towards me, showed his hand that he had been treating it for a long time, said that downstairs it was like serving under the floor (as if there was a church there), and upstairs they would be repairing it. What rubbish! A sailor officer and his wife came before Vespers to take the forty-day prayer to their mother-wife; I was extremely confused while reading - why should I be afraid? My God! Why is this? During the evening, the presence of Captain Burkhanovsky embarrassed me, but then the vain fear of the enemy was overcome by the grace of Christ. Leave handshakes: they are partial, and partiality and any partiality towards face is a sin before God. The shepherd must respect and love everyone. I notice the extremely violent, impudent, insolent resistance of the adversary-devil during the celebration of services, especially the liturgy, during the pronunciation of especially litanies and in general prayers for the sovereign and for all authorities; when I say the prayer to the Most Pure Mother of God, the devil breathes the fury of a lion against me and the saints; It also extremely hinders me from saying a prayer to the Holy Spirit before the celebration of the Sacrament of the Body and Blood of God and before the beginning of the Liturgy, it binds my heart and lips. Holy Prophet Haggai. I thank the Lord for the great victory over the great violent and arrogant temptations of the adversary the devil, which were erected against me during Matins; With persistent prayer of repentance before the Lord, I broke the strength and resistance of the enemy and the prayer to Christ, the Light... I spoke to the end, firmly with God’s help. I read the canons with the greatest animation; I was filled with jealousy, like an Angel. During Matins, God gave a source of tears from the consciousness of one’s sinfulness, weakness, insignificance, damnation, shame inflicted by the devil every day. I thank the Lord for the new victory of His mercy and power over my sins, which caught me at home after Matins, when, coming to the dining room and seeing a lot of fried birds on the table, I was jealous and, as it were, envious of this and my sister-in-law Anna K. I was secretly embittered for her idleness and free living with her children; I had an abundance of all earthly food and drink; I was wounded, embarrassed, oppressed and died in soul, but after sincere secret repentance I came to life, was cleansed, changed in my heart, and calmed down. Glory to the Benefactor and Savior God, who accepts repentance and delivers us from sins! I thank the Lord for the liturgy that was performed without stumbling, with the victory of God’s mercy over my sins and for the non-judgmental, life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the smooth, feeling, sincere reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and the saying of the liturgical dismissal with boldness and warmth. I thank the Lord for the victorious, successful celebration of the home all-night vigil with the Galakhovs under strong temptations from evil demons. I thank the Lord for the victory over the invisible enemies at the Midnight Office, Matins, and the Great Litany of the Six Psalms until the second hymn of the canon. Here the terrible machinations of the devil in me began: for one wrong motive of the voice, the enemy put embitterment on the sexton Mikhail Bystryakov and began to burn and sting me hellishly, so that I could not speak the pleading and especially litany and dismissal. The devil’s malice took hold of me and killed me: I became not myself both during and after Matins, when I went to give communion to the sick woman in the Duma at the watchman’s. I have not acquired the only thing I need - love; So, I have not acquired anything, for love should be everything for us: breath, belly, strength, peace, joy, treasure, wealth. What is my singing and reading without love? Ringing brass or sounding cymbal. Love is long-suffering, kind... does not get easily provoked... does not become arrogant, is not proud... endures all things... covers all things... never fails [ 1 Corinthians 13:1,4-8 ]. Friday. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during the service of the liturgy: at the beginning the soul was in a sinful stupor, wounded by the scorching arrows of the enemy, but with the words that You are the resurrection and the life... it revived, rising as if from a dream, and from that time the Lord granted tenderness; however, the song of Izhe Cherubim... the enemy did not allow me to pronounce it out loud and separately, and I spoke to myself; even the prayer of invoking the Holy Spirit (Lord, Who is Your Most Holy Spirit...) and Remember first, O Lord... After communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was greatly renewed and revived, although the enemies did not cease after this to fight my soul, but the Holy Mysteries strengthened me to resist them and overcome; I read the prayer behind the pulpit separately, smoothly, evenly, with feeling, but on dismissal the enemy deposed him through the sexton, who did not read the end of the prayer: ... and all who trust in Him will not sin [Ps. 33:23], and I was embarrassed in an instant, without expressing dismissal. But the Lord again healed my soul, which was sick with the poison of the serpent. At Vespers, the Lord showed me strong help in speaking the litanies, which I spoke slowly and loudly, not without difficulty and not without strong opposition from the adversaries who embarrassed, fought, and sarcastically attacked me. I read the prayers for confession with a feeling of tenderness. He confessed in extreme mental relaxation and numbness from enemies for more than two hours - from five and three quarters to seven o'clock in the evening. After confession, I was invited by the fruit grower Nikolai Vas. and ate grapes and tangerines, drank good wine and tea. I thank the Lord for the consolations of His mercy. The enemy constantly probes the soil of my heart and finds it very capable of accepting his dreams and evil seeds. God! Deliver me from his clutches. Here we are in exile, not in the fatherland, but after death we return with repentance to the fatherland to the Heavenly Father. Let us remember this and in exile, let us not live as in our fatherland, but let us hasten to our fatherland, doing works of repentance. I glorify the works of Your mercy in me this day from morning to evening: at the beginning of the morning the enemies fought and stung me extremely; Only through tearful prayer did I partly free myself from them during the pronunciation of the Great Litany, and during it they extremely struggled with me, but the canon inspired and strengthened me, especially the stichera on the praises of the Saturday and the stichera on the stichera; The stichera on praise moved me to tears, especially the last ones; I read the rule for communion sincerely, touchingly. At first he performed the Liturgy not cordially, with his heart numb from the actions of his enemies, but just before the Cherubic Hymn he entered into feeling and tenderness and then served touchingly. He received communion and received good communion. But the sexton’s slight delay in singing upset me, and I was deprived of the grace of peace and freedom; turning to the Lord, he received mercy and healing; I read the prayer behind the pulpit with the greatest difficulty and did not read all of it; I stole my leave. The present day is full of miracles of God's mercy and long-suffering toward me, starting with Matins and ending with Vespers and prayer services in houses (in the house of Gavrilov at the little official's house, in the house of Strebulaeva at the dressmaker Evfemia, in the house of Gorbunov (after Vespers)). Matins was a triumph for me: while singing the stichera on “Lord, I cried,” on the stichera, on the praises, while singing and reading the canon, sources of tears were given to me by the grace of God during Matins and especially mass. And how many weaknesses, infirmities, and sins I have! How many! And the machinations of the enemy over me, wounding, pinching, gnawing of the adversary before the dismissal and after the dismissal, after the prayer to Christ, the true Light, in which the adversary always almost fiercely kicks me, sarcastically, kills, shames me, does not allow me to pronounce the truest words, correct our steps to doing Thy commandments, and at mass at the beginning before reading and during the reading of prayers To the King of Heaven... Glory to God in the highest... Lord, who opened my lips... also hinders, sarcastic, deadens, shames. Only God's greatest mercy saves me from his teeth, from his deadly stings. But after the song of the Cherubim, what grace! What a fiery feeling: on the one hand - my great weaknesses and sins and the treachery of the enemy, thousands of deaths, and on the other - God's endless mercy towards me, a sinner, the power of God in me! By the grace of God, I shed a river of tears at mass. He said a brief word by the grace of God, he himself wrote the day before about our relationship with God through the incarnation of the Son of God in the words: The Book of the Relationship of Jesus Christ [Matthew 1:1]; at the morning prayer services, invisible enemies extremely embarrassed, sarcastically, crushed my heart and thoughts because of my opinion about the fur coat, lest it be stolen (the new fox fur coat); Only by secret prayer before the prayer service did he overcome the machinations of the enemy and could pray, otherwise he would at least give up the prayer service. This is how the enemy has a detrimental effect on the soul through worldly addictions! How many enemy networks! And in giving alms, the adversary constantly sets a snare, hardening the heart, introducing pity for money, and not for the poor! I commemorate the miracle of God’s mercy that took place in me today during Matins after my secret prayer of repentance and my fervent and repeated falling to the holy throne of truth and mercy. I was embarrassed about my father’s failure to record the income for Platon Neustroev’s christening, becoming jealous of the bribes and silver in the holy altar, in this earthly heaven, where God is so tangibly present and the Angels serve invisibly. Not only was I embarrassed, I fell away from love, I was indignant at Father Pavel, I was upset with him for stealing my brotherly property while he was doing little work in the parish and receiving the largest part of the income. But I asked the Lord for forgiveness for my covetousness and lack of trust in the Lord, Who always showed His generous Providence over me. Then the Lord destroyed death in me and gave me life; The confusion gradually passed, and peace settled in the soul. I read and sang the sedals, the canons for the forefeast of the Nativity of Christ and the holy martyr Ignatius in a solemn voice, strong, lively, loud, stichera on praises and on stichera. Glory to Thee, Life-Giving Christ our God! Untimely, albeit moderate consumption (for example, in the morning) [of food] extinguishes and weakens our spirit to the extreme, and therefore be extremely careful about consuming food and drink unnecessarily; abstinence and prayer, on the contrary, ignite the soul. Do not quench the Spirit [1 Thessalonians 5:19]. In some the spirit has completely gone out, while in others it burns strongly and shines for many. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of salvation in me before Vespers and at the beginning of it, who delivered me from the sorrow, embarrassment, oppression, and spiritual death that befell me regarding the order given to me by the rector to compile a statistical description of the Kronstadt Cathedral. I confessed my weakness and the complexity of my responsibilities before God. I thank the Lord for his help during the funeral service for Olga on [Kronstadt] street in the house of a Jew and during the funeral service for Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova in Popov’s house on the same street, at the Kronstadt Gate. I secretly prayed to the Lord to grant me to pray sincerely, freely, peacefully, without stumbling, and the Lord gave. Manifold sin turns on me every day from morning to evening and even at night during sleep. Deliver, Lord! Tuesday. Today, after lunch at the Markovs’, during which I ate a lot of fish soup with various fish (salted sturgeon, perch) and a little roast in vegetable oil, I was suppressed by opposing forces from one o’clock to eight o’clock in the evening; also because of some mixed wine (birch buds on sherry) I lost the grace of God, damned, I could not serve a memorial service in the house of Kvar and Rasskazova, especially in the house of Rasskazova; I felt grief because of Gushchina, for whom the enemy had long been instilling hostility, I don’t know why, simply because of my whim and her disobedience and especially her cold manners and communication - but can everyone have the same character, face, manner of address, feelings? Oh, the devil's obsession! Oh, self-love! Oh, swagger on my part! Only thanks to [strong] labors, walks and prayers in the house of Grigoriev and Adamovich (at Ulyany’s birthday girl) did the grace of God overcome my sins and the machinations of the enemy, and I felt at ease. How much I prayed secretly before the funeral services, calling on grace in repentance, and was not heard for my sins, for gluttony and satiety, for this grotesque idolatry! Serves it right! Have mercy on me, Lord Lord! Wednesday. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ, who poured out His great mercy on me during Matins, and revived me, killed by sins regarding the poor (stinginess and hardness of heart, small alms), and granted me the all-solemn singing and reading of the canons for the forefeast of the Nativity of Christ and the holy martyr Anastasia, and then in the Duma Church an early mass with abundant tears of repentance and weakness and consciousness of the greatness and holiness of the Sacrament of the Eucharist, its loving, all-encompassing spirit. I thank the Lord for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries by me and two merchants from St. Petersburg, Mikhail Evgenievich Kiselev and Sergei Andreevich [Parfenov]. I confessed them before early mass. At the removal (lithium) and at the funeral service (in another place) I was mad in the fight against invisible enemies. I don't know what this means. Physical and spiritual weaknesses unite against me. But at two prayer services he served with feeling and without stumbling. I thank the Lord. I thank the Lord for the sincere, victorious pronunciation of the litanies and exclamations and dismissal of the memorial service for the servant of God, the maiden Varvara, in the evening at six o’clock. Oh, how I longed and thirsted to recite without stumbling, sincerely, without fear of hostility, all the Gospels, prayers, litanies, doxologies and exclamations during divine services! In relation to many prayers, exclamations at litanies, exclamations, Gospels, the enemy has deprived me of sincerity and boldness, brazenly and predatorily sowing fear, lies or false shame in my heart, so that I am often his captive and slave and cannot pronounce in the ears of people what follows in the order of worship. I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free, victorious service of the Liturgy with abundant tears and the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and the communion of six people; for the sincere, calm, free, stumbling-free reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal. I thank the Lord for deliverance from a grave temptation just before mass early after the secret prayer of repentance from the devil’s anger against the sexton and deacon for not informing the watchman about mass in the Assumption Church (Duma). I thank the Lord for delivering me from grief and distress over the failure to say the prayer of permission for [Simonov’s] repentant daughter Ekaterina and her teacher Maria Alexandrovna. I thank the Lord for the speedy deliverance, through my prayer of repentance, from anger at the little beggars who shouted after me in large numbers. Morning. I thank the Lord for the merciful deliverance after my secret prayer of repentance from the unclean thought of voluptuousness, which weakened and removed my soul from God - I received from God sweet peace with space in my heart and great boldness and triumph of the spirit while reading and singing the canons for the forefeast of the Nativity of Christ and the holy Martyr Eugenia. Feast of the Nativity of Christ. Morning. I thank the Lord, who has granted me to meet this day in the desired health. I thank the Lord for yesterday’s miracles of His mercy and power in me before the service and during the service of the home all-night vigil with Mr. Simansky, with extreme flattery and violence from disembodied enemies, with their intimidation and abuse of me and the female sex, while binding my heart and body. O Master Lord, abundantly merciful, obedient, all-powerful, All-Deliverer, glory to You always, now and ever, and forever and ever. Amen. You will deliver me again and again, and completely deliver me from the all-evil rapist and blasphemer. I thank the Lord for the all-powerful help to me, unworthy, many-passionate, during the festive matins and early mass of Christmas, for overcoming enemies during the reading of the Gospel of Matins, for abundant tears of tenderness at the liturgy, for defeating many murderous forces from the enemy-devil, for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the sermon spoken to the glory of God incarnate. I thank the Lord for defeating, by His grace, the temptations of the devil’s fiery malice at the thanksgiving service in the cathedral: the enemy incited me against the abbot, stung me with his sting, but through the prayer of repentance I got rid of his malice. And Father Paul - meekness, like a strong pillar, will not be shaken in service and is worthy of imitation. Other than that, he has no temptations, because in his youth he kept his body chaste. Sunday. I thank the Lord from all my heart, albeit unclean, from all my thoughts, with unclean lips and with an unclean hand writing this, for the greatest deliverance from the greatest spiritual calamity that befell me in life, from spiritual sorrow, crampedness, cowardice, despondency, murmuring at God for allowing the devil from Him to torment me during the unction of a sick woman, soldier Anna Gordeevna, in the house of Gorbunov. During the entire time of the unction, the evil adversary devoured me, and I experienced unbearable tightness and thousands of serpentine stings within me. For repentance and diligent falling down at home many times, the Lord delivered me from the adversary and the fierce sorrow that befell me for my reluctance and unwillingness to administer unction to her and for disdaining her, sick (erysipelas). I thank the Lord, who, through secret prayer of repentance, delivered me from unclean lusts, from sinful movements of the flesh and spirit when looking at maidens, at milky carnal vessels. I thank the Lord for the good disposition of the hearts of all our parishioners when visiting their homes with the life-giving cross. The brethren collected one hundred and twenty rubles. I thank You, Lord, for repeated deliverance from the movement of rebellious passions from early morning until evening, for as soon as I pray internally in repentance to You, the omniscient, omnirighteous and all-compassionate, how You meet me, visit me with Your mercy and bounties. And now You have saved me from vain anger towards Fevronia, my former maid, whom I suspect of disrespect and neglect of me, although she had nothing to do with it. I prayed to You with all my heart in repentance - and I was delivered, calmed down, healed. I thank the Lord for keeping the hearts of His servants Walter Romanovich Maynard and Alexander Romanovich Fishwick in constant good disposition towards me and not disgracing me in the expectation of His mercy, poured out through them on the poor. Five o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me for the sake of my tearful, deep repentance before Vespers and at the beginning of it after the stingy, with severity and obstinacy, giving alms to the poor, and another time who graciously had mercy on me after Vespers, when, also with tears, I again repented of new hard-heartedness and stinginess, when I gave only a penny to the poor men, and the children for begging after giving were driven away through the janitor and I was very hurt. I thank the Lord, who accepted my tearful repentance during Matins of hard-heartedness and stinginess regarding the poor who persecuted me before Matins, and who revived me, killed by sin, and gave me grace with great power and a triumphant spirit to read the canons and sing stichera of praise and verse. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard the repentant cry of my heart on the way to Major General Palkin, when I repented of the same about the new cruelty towards the persecuted beggars. I strongly appealed to His good obedience, quick obedience, kindness and goodness, and He bowed to the intense cry of my heart and saved me from the oppression of sin and from shame and confusion of spirit. In the morning I have had strong chills and a bad runny nose, it’s breaking inside; the blood becomes sharp and inflamed. The frost is severe. I must have caught a cold. Heal, Lord! Every day, in prayer, praise and thanksgiving at home, in church, and on the street, we communicate with the invisible God and with the spiritual world, with the [invisible] Angels, corruptible in the body with incorruptible beings, temporary in the flesh with the eternal, and thus we learn not to cleave to the temporary, but to ascend to the eternal and expect endless life, despising the temporary, minute; We learn above all to value and love and practice truth and holiness and every virtue practiced in our lives by saints. Every now and then we hear, read, sing, talk in church about eternal life and the eternal Kingdom, which the saints have achieved, from which they give us a helping hand, to which they call us. But why are we still tied to the earth and its blessings - to our corruptible flesh and blood, to sin, which kills human souls and bodies? – From lack of faith and habit, passion for flesh and blood, from lack of selflessness, patience, love for God and neighbors. Obsequious (church-glory) - a person similar to us, with the same passions and infirmities. For centuries (church glory) - why. Fair (Church Glav.) – extraordinary, excellent, chosen. The holy martyrs are five in number, that is, five in number: Eustratius, Auxentius, Eugene, Mardarius and Orestes (suffered around 305). Memory 13/26 December.