Ноябрь 1883 г.

After the funeral mass in the Assumption Church (and upon arrival from the gymnasium). I thank the Lord, who by His mercy delivered me from excessive embarrassment and troubles that evil demons brought upon me: once from a sore throat or lack of voice, then from a persistent invitation to a prayer service in the Duma after mass. I was completely at a loss from embarrassment and demonic tightness, from the pressure of it. And only the mercy of God, to which I resorted, saved me from final disorder and fall. Received life-giving communion. I read almost the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and the entire dismissal. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me just before Matins and during it from the painful movement of carnal sensuality, when, in earnest repentance, I fell to the holy altar of the Apostles Peter and Paul in the chapel with my heart and lips. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the painful movement of rancor and bitterness towards the former Bishop Vicar Gerasim (25 years ago 147) when reading notes about him in “Soulful Reading” and written answers to his nun Eupraxia and in general when remembering him. I prayed to the Lord earnestly in repentance, that He would deliver me from rancor and malice, and the Lord heard and had mercy on me, changing my evil heart to a good one, a troubled and oppressed heart to a peaceful and spacious one. How weak, passionate, angry I am! Evening. I thank the Lord, the most merciful and quick to obey, who twice saved me from the hellish sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger at the beggars who chased me to the gymnasium at the eleventh hour of the day (Wednesday). Soon the Lord accepted my sincere repentance on the way to the gymnasium and especially in the gymnasium itself. I also thank the Lord for deliverance from the painful voluptuousness that followed somewhat in my heart and flesh from the caresses of women. Deliverance followed before Vespers and during Vespers. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I am all in excitement, in rebellion, in fire, in trouble. Now he has dealt with the beggars in great indignation at their idleness, laziness, and begging, although, perhaps, many are simply begging out of need and the inability to find work. I, accursed, angry, selfish, impatient, irritable, mowed them down in great anger right and left, beat some on the cheeks, pulled others by the hair, sometimes throwing them to the ground, sometimes standing, blaspheming others with different names; in great anger he gave them five rubles. And these are not their own, but given for the benefit of the poor by kind people. I, a priest, turned out to be a robber. What am I worthy of? I am worthy of defrocking according to church rules. Not once, not twice, but many times I deliberately began to beat beggars. I repent with all my heart of my sins, committed now and before, I want to change decisively and ask for mercy from the Lord, Whom I have angered extremely. Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy! Archpriest Saltykov and many passers-by saw my rage and reprisal against the poor. But the Angels saw it, and all the saints, and the Most Holy Theotokos Herself, and the Lord God Himself, the Trinitarian. Damn man I am! Who will have mercy on me if not You, Lord, again and again and again! Have mercy! After my evening sleep I became such a monster; I shouldn’t have slept in the evening or been a guest at dinner at Semyonov’s house. I became a murderer, not only a murderer, for I could kill a person in such strong anger. Twelve o'clock at night. And again I sinned against God and against the poor, falling away from love, meekness and gentleness and falling into hostility, malice and obstinacy, walking home from guests from a spiritual conversation and meeting about ten of them at the fence of the church house. He kicked one of them for his courage and for the words “You sometimes do stupid things” and spoke hostilely and reproachfully to everyone, referring to the city authorities and the city and bourgeois administration. They tired me with their incessant begging, idleness, idleness, laziness, multitude, their youth. How can I alone satisfy the needs of so many? No matter how much you give them, and if they don’t do the work themselves, thousands of rubles are not enough for them. Where can I get them? God is omnipotent and all-good and wise, but He does not deign or indulge idleness, but commands those who are able to work. By the sweat of your face you will eat bread [Gen.3:19]. If anyone does not want to work, he should not eat [2 Thessalonians 3:10]. I sinned gravely before the Lord by losing my temper and falling into anger, obstinacy and insolence. The meekness, gentleness and silence of the poor, their patience, generosity and meekness are remarkable. I offended them, I offend them often, I kick them, I pull them by the hair, I beat them, and they, like gentle lambs, endure everything, without crying, without arguing. Remember them, Lord, in Your Kingdom and have mercy on me through their prayers. Instead of feeling sorry for the beggars, trembling [...] on the street and expecting alms from me, I became angry with them and killed many of them and took pity on the money - the dust of the earth, this decay, insignificance, corruption, and my soul was corrupted by anger, defeated by anger, from Satan the murderer, the enemy of God and men. Alas for me! November 3, 1883 (I expose and condemn yesterday’s sin). In the Most Pure Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ there is and eternally operates the redemptive power of God, delivering and redeeming our sinful souls through faith and repentance from all sin and torment of the devil. The Divine Mysteries are wonderfully saving. Glory to Thy immeasurable mercy, O Lord our God, for Thou hast granted to a world perishing by sins the incorruptible Divine and life-giving Mysteries and in them purification, sanctification, renewal, resurrection, immortality and eternal life. The house of industriousness does not achieve its goal at all: there is no work for the poor townspeople, and no one goes there. And this is at the darkest time. On October 31 and November 1, I was without a voice - either because Lieutenant Alekseev had a cold (reading with the window open) or because of the extremely humid weather - and I was very bored by this, I prayed to the Lord to grant me again a clear voice for the glory of His name, and on November 2 I was again with a sonorous, clear voice. I thank the Lord for His mercy. Thursday. Out of my greed, I ate three or four scrambled eggs this morning, having no need, for it was nine o’clock in the morning, and thus I suppressed my spirit and could not cordially, fearlessly, boldly serve a prayer service with captain of the second rank Roman Alex. Mazurov and Elisaveta Rostislavovna: fear overcame me, and I did not dare to read the real Gospel to the Savior at the prayer service and at the Blessing of the Water, I could not pronounce the Litany of the Water, as well as the prayers. Yegor Pavlov also didn’t reprimand Repnikov at the prayer service. For me, scrambled eggs eaten at the wrong time were a burden that deadened my spirit. God grant that you never eat in the morning, even before the first hour (noon). ...The pleasures of this life are suppressed and do not bear fruit [Luke 8:14]. Evening. Guests from St. Petersburg - Megorskys. Temptation due to kerosene (with a wife) - grief and anger, cramped conditions, embarrassment, heartbreak. In this state, I ran with sincere repentance to the Lord in my prayer room and soon saw in myself a miracle of God’s obedience and mercy: I was forgiven and completely internally healed and calmed down. Glory to the Lord, His goodness and invincible mercy. I thank the Lord, who cleansed me during Matins before reading the canons of the Cross, the Mother of God, the martyrs, the Monk Ioannikios and the holy martyr Nikander with tears of repentance and who granted me the gift of most sincerely reading and singing them. At the end of Matins he prayed for the abbot and the brethren and for himself. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me from the descent of the prodigal house after heartfelt repentance and self-condemnation. Glory to our obedient, merciful and beneficial God. Establish me, O Lord, in Your holiness. God! Forgive and do not impute either to me or to the boy my words spoken in anger at his immodest, frisky behavior in class - the words “Go to hell.” In my madness I said this, without thinking about their absurdity. Don't blame me, Lord! I sinned by shaking hands, hugging and kissing women - my interlocutors and spiritual daughters, who, out of an abundance of spiritual love, touched me when I left. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of His mercy before the prayer service and after the prayer service in Turkin’s house in the apartment of the Ivanov seamstresses and who destroyed the bonds of sin in me (addiction to the gold of the pectoral cross, recently gilded - fear of it becoming smoked and darkened (oh, vanity! oh, madness!)). The same thing happened with Pavel Ivanovich Korovnikov at the prayer service in Karolyi’s house. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the new bonds of sin (hard-heartedness and intransigence to the poor) in the church at six o’clock in the evening after the aforementioned prayer services before the confession of the parishioners of St. Petersburg and local Kronstadt. I thank the Lord, who melted 148 the sin of voluptuousness in me (while walking and praying in my garden) through my sighing and tears and who delivered me from passionate violence and bestowed holiness, [peace] and freedom. Glory to Thee, Lord, my deliverance, sanctification and consolation, my unreliable hope! Bad carnal instincts - woe is me! - even until now they are not alien to me. Let me crucify my flesh with passions and lusts, for it is hostile to God and my soul. Sunday. After Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who has surprised me today with His immeasurably great mercies, both at the beginning of Matins, and after reading the Gospel, on which I stumbled and fell without finishing the end of it, and after the dismissal, and after the prayer to Christ, the True Light, and at the beginning of early mass, and after its dismissal, and during the prayer service to the Mother of God “Joy of All Who Sorrow.” Evening. I thank the Lord, who performed wondrous miracles of salvation in me during Vespers many times (out of anger at the abbot who neglected to greet me, I myself came to greet him in the chapel). Then before the prayer service and during the prayer service of P. S. Burachk, with whom I served a thanksgiving prayer service with the blessing of water, then in the Assumption Church during the long wait for the groom and especially the bride (more than an hour), finally at home, where I returned from the prayer service in Galkinskaya Street in the Malinovsky house at Pavel E. Ignatiev with a devilish tightness, like a wedge in the soul, from which I got rid of soon after I prayed on my knees before the crucifix with faith and hope. Oh, how kind and quick to obey is my Lord Jesus Christ! Now I am peaceful, free, blessed by His grace and salvation! Glory to the Lord! The demons have disappeared, cursed, all-evil! Oh, how they attacked me in the Assumption Church, where there were a lot of people. The Lord God allowed the fall of spirits and people to happen so that the wonderful harmony of God’s perfections would appear. Just as His infinite goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, beauty, sweetness, holiness, simplicity, infinity appeared in creation, so in the fallen angels and in fallen men the infinite, perfect, exact, unyielding truth of His most pure Being and His exact judgment should have appeared, and in the demons - all the severity and infinity of the Last Judgment and eternal torment, and in the fallen for people - judgment and mercy: in some, unrepentant and not knowing God, there is eternal judgment, and in those who have repented - judgment and mercy. Glory to our all-good and all-righteous God, who punishes and has mercy. I served the prayer service at Nikolai Vas., the fruit grower, with the grace of God very easily, peacefully, sweetly thanks to the mercy of the Lord at home, when I prayed before the crucifix in the dining room. Drinking tea alone has always been a weakness for the laryngeal organs. You need to drink some good wine. Invisible enemies oppressed me so much on November 6 at [Myakishev's] christening (Egor Turkin's house) because of a silk scarf that in my heart I had to refuse it in favor of the sexton. Likewise, I must renounce all attachment to things for the sake of the love of the only Lord, the only one worthy of all holy love. Monday evening, seven o'clock at the beginning. I thank the Lord, who performed the miracle of His salvation in me and showed the victory of His immeasurable mercy over my malice and the devil in me. Having come to the Semenovs to serve the all-night vigil and not finding in them due respect for the order of the priesthood in the fact that the sisters Maria and Alexandra with their children Alexandra and Anna did not accept the blessing and did not kiss the hand extended for the blessing, I was upset with them, I was stung by a scorching and most evil ulcer, for the devil entered my heart, and could not get rid of the malice during the entire short matins at home, I was confused, oppressed, agitated, unfriendly, without the spirit of prayer, without love and peace, and at the end of the service he left them hostile or upset. So the adversary caught me, captivated me, wounded me! But the girls and the widow were innocent: they always respected us, and me too. I am to blame for everything, my vanity, my pride, my vanity, my malice, my disrespect for the face of a Christian man, a member of Christ and a member of mine, the temple of the Holy Spirit, the church of the living God, the rod from the Vine of Christ. Arriving home, I began to sincerely pray and repent of my sins, and the Lord, whose mercy is immeasurable, had mercy on me and delivered me from anger. And always deliver, Lord! The adversary the devil caught me like a catcher of a poor bird: I escaped from the beggar who was chasing me, and, therefore, from the alms and mercy of God and fell straight into the deadly net of the devil when I appeared to the Semyonovs (Marya, Alexandra with children and Elizabeth) and they did not show me, as a priest, due respect, not intentionally, but usually; I was offended, upset at them and could not get rid of the incorporeal enemies who had entered into me insidiously; I cringed throughout the service, repented, prayed for the forgiveness of my sins, and bore my shame. If I had given alms meekly, the Lord would have delivered me from the snares of the enemy. Oh, how fierce are the demons! But at the prayer service with Mikhail Efimovich and Evdokia Agafonovna, I easily prayed and with God’s help I easily defeated the invisible enemies who were also fighting me. Glory to the Lord! Who cares! In some places it is easy to pray thanks to the unanimity of those praying and their love for God, but in other places it is difficult, difficult, especially among the rich! I thank the Lord, who soon heard my secret prayer for the rector’s like-mindedness with me in matters of piety, for he, the rector, surprised many by imitating me in the distribution of antidoron after mass and in other customs. Serving early mass without preparing matins (there was none, and I didn’t have to attend the all-night vigil in the evening) was extremely difficult at the beginning: my heart was dead and fat. Only intense repentant prayer attracted the grace of God to me, which revived me. I won the greatest victory over the serpent of the abyss in the power of the fortress of my Lord Jesus Christ. I read the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal. Going in the evening to the widow Eulampia for a memorial service, I was angry with the beggars: I tore one with anger by the ears, shouted furiously at the other - and thereby offended myself more than anyone else, offending God in the person of the beggars, falling away from life-giving love, destroying the law of God, which consists of love. All this is due to addiction to the flesh, to earthly life and its benefits. I consider perishable wealth to be treasure, and not God, the ever-present source of all blessings. For a long time I cringed and broke down during the service of the memorial service, which was awkward and vague. Finally he pronounced the last litany and dismissed him. God bless! Because of meat-eating, at dinner at the headman M. L. Korshunov’s [...] desecration occurred at night in a dream from a voluptuous dream. Only by the sign of the cross was I truly preserved in my further sleep. Have mercy on me, Lord, voluptuous, lazy and careless. I, who am sin-loving, proud, voluptuous, selfish, brilliant, ambitious, proud, evil, envious, unkind, malevolent, unclean, rude, vindictive, ungrateful, stubborn and capricious, crafty, uneasy-hearted, rebellious and other countless passions, should not eat meat. content. Pay attention that during prayer there is no mediastinum or barrier between you and between God or the Most Pure Mother of God and the saints: no evil doubt, no laziness and coldness, no anger towards your neighbor, no worldly addiction, but so that the soul is face to face with God, without the slightest sinful mediastinum. Oh, what a great honor God has given to man - to always approach God for prayer and conversation, for repentance, for thanksgiving and praise! What an honor to have daily access to the king of the earth and to see his face, talk with him, and be honored with his friendship! How much more so to have access to the incorruptible, immortal King of the ages and to enjoy His wonderful kindness, beauty, peace, sweetness, bliss, truth and holiness! Wednesday. At dinner I ate cod fried in quick butter with milk and eggs, cabbage soup and coffee with cream - and my heart was heavy all evening, and lustful desires and thoughts began to chill me, and a tightness in my soul, as if from some kind of spear, oppressed me, and there was no peace, and the rage at the beggars intensified for the frequent begging of alms. For a long time I repented to the Lord in secret prayer, especially while walking on Pesochnaya Street to Kudryavtseva’s house. Finally, at the third officer’s wing, the Lord showed me mercy, relieving me from my sins and the cramped conditions of hell. It became so easy on my soul! Before this trip, I was in Berzin’s apartment and, in unworthiness and cramped conditions and confusion, I read prayers over the shaking maiden Maria. Great is Thy mercy, O Lord, and inexpressible: with Thy mercy visit Thy servant Mary, who suffers from tremors, and cleanse me, the accursed one, from foul and evil and blasphemous thoughts and feelings. I sinned: I called a beggar unkindly and maliciously when he, asking me for alms, said that he had a cold. Have I reached this point in my hard-heartedness and unmercifulness - and for what? For the love of money: I love money more than my neighbor, who is the image of God. And how many wonderful qualities these beggars have! How much patience, kindness, submission to one’s fate! Mental poisons: the poison of prodigal, the poison of evil, the poison of envy, the poison of gluttony and drunkenness, the poison of love of money and love of things, the poison of despondency and murmuring, the poison of cowardice and fear of demons. And Satan tries to cover up all his poisons with sweetness at the beginning, when the sin has not yet been committed. Oh, wickedness! O birdcatcher's net! Oh, trap! Why do public worship and home prayers begin and sometimes end with the words Blessed is our God... Blessed is Christ our God... and in general and throughout the service the expression Blessed is God... or another similar one is often used: Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, etc.? Because: a) because God is blessed in His being, or is the God of ineffable glory, and is eternal, unapproachable, life-giving, terrible glory, b) because in all His creations the wonderful glory, greatness and splendor were revealed (Bless, all the works of the Lord, sing to the Lord... [Dan. 3:57]), and c) because at the beginning of creation a great apostate and a daring blasphemer of the name and glory of God appeared, constantly slandering the Lord day and night, inventing sin and iniquity, planting and growing and rooting it in himself and in fallen spirits, and then in the human race in its countless forms and vegetation 149, sin is a terrible, deadly action and phenomenon in the spiritual world, a sin by which one is constantly blasphemed the ever-glorious name of God. In spite of this devilish blasphemy of the name of God, the Holy Church, which itself on earth is a wonderful work of the glory of God and the herald of His glorious works in creation, providence and redemption, unceasingly glorifies the Lord worthily and righteously, so that it may stop the blasphemous, nasty lips of the devil and wicked people who constantly blaspheme the name of God in deeds and words. That is why the name of God, or the Kingdom of the Most Holy Trinity, is often praised or glorified. Amen. God bless! And we must constantly glorify God, not only with words, but especially with good deeds. Hallowed be Thy name. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the voluptuous craving of my heart and flesh just before Vespers, when I blessed Catherine [...] and, leaving the church into the church garden, there I repented secretly and asked the Lord for forgiveness and peace, freedom, truth and sanctification. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me during the Sacrament of Baptism with Mr. Grotgaus at the customs office, when I was extremely confused and oppressed in my heart from the vision of a silk scarf and addiction to it and did not read much (the Gospel and prayers after it, dismissal), and at the end of the Sacrament I repented and received weakness, and upon leaving the apartment and walking along the Lord's street I received perfect forgiveness and freedom. Candles and lamps burning in the church mean light and gracious, spiritual fire, enlightening and warming and igniting the hearts of the faithful and burning the thorns of sin, for our God is a consuming fire [Heb. 12:29]. Incense or fragrant censer means the fragrance and grace of the Holy Spirit, fragrant and sanctifying the hearts of the faithful. Friday. I thank the Lord, who showed me the greatest salvation for my repentance during Matins in refusing the poor and in my voluptuousness, who delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow and who gave me spaciousness and peace of heart. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from cramped conditions upon leaving the school of the House of Diligence. In the Duma of two watchmen at prayer services, the Lord three times delivered me through a secret prayer of repentance from the hellish cramped conditions that befell me as a result of anger at the beggars and at the watchman Andrei for accidentally inviting me to serve a prayer service. In the gymnasium, when I climbed the stairs, I was again completely freed from new grief at the beggars. I am still one and the same faulty sinner - a lover of voluptuousness, a lover of money, a lover of things, vain, proud, envious, gluttonous. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy during Matins and especially mass during the former temptations from my voluptuous flesh and the wiles of the devil at one glance at the little beautiful girl standing in the church at mass. Only unfeigned repentance with faith and zealous prostration before the holy throne saved me from the death of sin. Then and many times more grace saved me from sin and hardship. And in the third carriage, before the prayer services of the officers and soldiers, I was in terrible mental distress, confusion, shame, disgrace, powerlessness of heart after being upset at the beggar who was chasing me. Only sincere repentance saved me from confusion after repeated prayers to the Lord for mercy and help. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the manifold wiles of the devil and my sins and made me worthy to loudly glorify the Risen One from the dead by singing stichera and reading the Resurrection, Cross and Theotokos canons, then perform the liturgy with multiple salvation from the Lord, uncondemnedly partake of the life-giving Mysteries and say the word. Then after mass I immediately went to St. Petersburg and spent two days and two nights there. Spent the night with merchants Tyagunov and Kapustin. From the rotten air of St. Petersburg I returned home unhealthy, with a cough, a sore head, back and sides. The reason is the retention of perspiration in the body. I left mass sweaty, but didn’t change my shirt. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy in St. Petersburg: everyone met me and saw me off as an Angel of God, and everyone gave me money. I donated one hundred rubles of mine to the House of Diligence, and brought about three hundred from St. Petersburg. My hundred was a truly attractive force. Wednesday. I spent the night rather restlessly, got up several times. I got up with a sore head and took a walk in the air. Опять лег. I got up at six o’clock, my head hurt badly, I was completely relaxed. I barely got to Matins. During Matins, he fell with repentance to the holy throne, asking the Lord for healing, and was revived. The canon was read to the holy Apostle and Evangelist Matthew very heartily, loudly, and expressively. Before mass I slept for two hours, my head hurt. He served mass with difficulty, with a drowsy heart, weakly, rather sluggishly, painfully. I finished with difficulty. In the gymnasium I went to see Titkov, ate the herring with gusto and drank a glass of tea - I gained weight again. My head stopped hurting after communion. He sang Vespers fairly well, did not speak the litany, except for the minor one. I read the canon to the Mother of God at Compline. After Vespers there is a requiem service. The gilding of the cross was embarrassing and did not allow me to sincerely pray for the late Demetrius, a beautiful maiden. Upon leaving there (Bear Street, Ton's House), I became angry with the beggars and hit one boy, who often begged, with his hand in anger - and wounded himself in my soul, lost grace, died, but I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in the apartment of M.V. Volkov, and had mercy on me, and gave me peace and freedom of spirit. After invoking the saints in prayer on the canons and stichera, we always glorify the Holy Trinity, because their holiness is from Her, and She rests and is glorified and acts in them. She (the Trinity) is the alpha and omega of the saints, the beginning and the end, or better yet, the beginning without end. I thank the Lord, who granted me, through secret prayer, to read the Gospel of the Theotokos at a prayer service and the small litany with praise to the Lady and devotion to God. The Lord placed mountains in me during the Liturgy - mountains of demonic wiles, iron faiths and broken gates of brass with grace and mercy, my faith, repentance and secret prayer. I was in the terrible misfortune of being abandoned by God for my sins, for my laziness, stinginess, hard-heartedness, gluttony, drowsiness, unpreparedness to perform the heavenly liturgy, full of God’s love and endless mercy for the fallen human race, truth, Divine wisdom, and Creative omnipotence. Friday. The Lord surprised me with innumerable mercies and powers during Matins, delivering me many times from the malice of the enemy (at the Midnight Office, during the reading of the Six Psalms and the Canon), especially during the Liturgy at the beginning, after the Great Entrance, after communion of the Holy Mysteries (here a particularly damned one fights to turn the Holy Mysteries into judgment and condemnation, and not into salvation), at the thought of an unkind thought about the two birthday Platos - Baikov and Neustroev: grief at Neustroev’s disrespect, although he is quite respectful; I have overcome the swiftness of my heart against evil with the words of the Savior: love your enemies, do good to those who hate you [Luke 6:27]; then, at the end of mass, at a prayer service before reading the Gospel, which he did not finish due to the devil’s wiles. At Vespers, I considered it best to avoid fighting the demons while speaking the litanies and did not say them; Here the Lord’s deliverance befell me at Compline before the final litany, which I pronounced loudly and separately. Glory to the Lord! During confession, the Lord saved me many times from the devil’s dirty tricks. The human heart, and mine more than all, is a true sinful cesspool, filled with abomination and the stench of all sin. You must completely abandon your own heart and receive from the Lord another heart - pure, holy and righteous. When you lazily pray, then remember to awaken and encourage yourself: whose breath do you have, whose lips, whose sight? Whose arms and legs? Whose mind is in your head? Whose heart is this sensibility of yours? Whose soul, whose breath is it? Whose power? Whose gift is health? Whose gift is immortality and freedom, wondrous, longed for, striving infinity for improvement and goodness, for truth, for infinite beauty - for God? And then, surely, you will pray fervently, with tears of tenderness and gratitude. Whose salvation, preservation of your life daily? Whose help is constant in the affairs of your ministry? Whose consolations are unceasing? Whose love is it that generously gives you everything for your twofold being? After early mass with Matins and after the communion of one hundred lay people of the Holy Mysteries. I thank and extol the Lord of glory, who has granted me to loudly and unfailingly glorify Him through my service of Matins, Liturgy and the rule preparatory to communion, which I read with feeling, deep meaning and reverence for the laity. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation and to give communion to my spiritual children. I can’t count how many of Satan’s snares the Lord delivered me from: both in church and in the gymnasium. Everywhere the Lord surrounded me with the joys of deliverance and healed the leprosy of sin. Glory to Thee, Lord! Lord, Physician of the ailing, heal my lungs, which have been suffering for a whole week from a scrofulous cough received in St. Petersburg, where I spent two days in the poorest places with unclean air. I also need them for Thy praise, thanksgiving, repentance and prayer and for the glorification of Thy Most Pure Mother and all Thy saints. Wake up! Turn away the scrofula from my lungs and show it other paths, so that this corruption may come out of me. Sunday. After Matins and early mass in the Duma. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness, with which my heart was cleansed from the filth of sin, and zeal and joy of spirit when glorified in spiritual songs and in the canon of the Resurrection of Christ and the Mother of God. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation and to give communion to four people from St. Petersburg and two from Kronstadt. At the end of the mass, he left for St. Petersburg with the engineering official Konstantin Vasilyevich [Vasiliev] to his sick wife for a farewell of repentance and the Holy Mysteries in a Lutheran hospital. In the apartment of Pavel Konstantinovich’s son, when I was tempted by a girl, the Lord had mercy on me for repentance and prayer and gave me peace. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to pray for my involuntary sin - touching a young woman. May he not be remembered by the Lord, nor by my ethereal enemies. Amen. I thank the Lord, who showed me great help and mercy during the service of the prayer service with Lieutenant Commander Roman Afanasyevich Sokolov (Nikiforov’s house opposite the Duma). God! You have humbled me, and I have humbled myself, but he who hates and speaks against me 150 raises his heel against me; forbid them to torment my weakness, for I am Your servant. Holy and all-righteous Lord! Look at Your servants and servants who are devoted to You with all their hearts and with all their being, who in me honor and ardently love You, who humble themselves deeply and are ready to sacrifice to You, and through You to me, Your unworthy servant, with everything and to bring to Your altar everything that You have awarded and are rewarding them with! May they be firm in faith and in all righteousness, and so on, and may they hate all unrighteousness, and so on, and may they succeed in fulfilling Your commandments and may they be heirs of Your Heavenly Kingdom. Lord, all-seeing Power! You see how they are ready to serve You every day and hour, how they fall to You, serve You, and become more and more inflamed with love for You! You see their incessant sorrows, their sighs, their mental and physical hardships - therefore deign to help and console them always, Most Gracious Master, just as You comfort me every day with Your omnipotent help. Amen. Father Superior collected forty rubles on St. Peter's Day (northern part). Father Alexander - fifty rubles (western and outside the city). Father Pyotr Klepachevsky - forty rubles (Gospodorskaya [...] street). Father John Sergiev - thirty-six (mountain). On Intercession of 1883, the rector from Gospodskaya Street collected forty-seven. I’m from Posadskaya fifty-nine rubles, Father Peter is from the northern part thirty-four. Father Alexander on the mountain and Lord's (part of) forty rubles. [...] Fidelina P. G. Znamenskaya street, house number 39, apartment 6. Introduction. I thank the Lord, who showed me multiple salvation during Matins and the Liturgy, who gave me a clear and loud, firm voice, with which I solemnly read the two canons for the holiday in full and sang the stichera all on the Lord, I cried out, on the stichera, on the praises. I thank the Lord for the abundant tears of tenderness at Matins and at mass, especially at mass, with which I drowned my sins with grace. I thank the Lord for victory over all the enemy’s deceits. The disembodied enemy cruelly scolded him while reading the Gospel of the Mother of God, read on the holy altar: out of fear and relaxation of my heart, I did not finish reading it and was disgraced by the enemy, but I took revenge on the enemy with the canons, and may God grant that I defeat the enemies and always read every Gospel reading with ease. At prayer services at Pomeranian and in other places, the Lord showed me His help and salvation. God bless! June 15, 1882. To remember nun Macaria. '83 Lazy, careless, rebellious. Should I ask the guys Rufa and Lisa why they rummage through my [...] and stealthily take my combs? And how much? And much more is pulled from tables and chests of drawers, various papers and pieces of paper needed, letters, remnants of cassocks and duckweeds (material), all sorts of things. Threaten them and say that I will not give them anything and will drive them away if they steal from their uncle. On St. Peter's Day, the Father Superior deigned to be extremely lazy under the pretext of fatigue, but in reality, out of carelessness about the fraternal benefit, he went from house to house with a cross to glorify the chief apostles and the Lady, and only came out with seven rubles instead of thirty or thirty-five rubles, and did not ask any of the priests to replace him, but he loved to receive five, three, one and a half times against the cathedral brethren. May the Lord instruct him to observe the interests of his brethren. By the grace of the Lord, Father Paul is very rich and very arrogant, he only provides himself and no one with anything. Come now, you rich men, weep... your silver is rusty [James 5:1,3]. Almost for the first time in his twenty-five-year service at the cathedral, he showed hospitality to the clergy and some of the merchants on the day of his Angel, and it cost us dearly. Not wanting to complain about him, but expressing the bitter truth, I write this. May the Lord give us mutual peace with love and respect for each other and mutual understanding of each other's benefits: and among the brethren there are also the poor. Saint Petersburg. Baseinaya street house number 35, apartment number 8. Evdokia Ivanova, wife of a literature teacher. July 17, 1882. Alexei Vissarionovich “Philokalia”, both parts. July 18, 1882. Remember the nun Agathia, Lord, in Your Kingdom always, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Send ten rubles to Manuil Porokhin. Evdokia Filippovna Danilova five rubles. On St. Andrew's Day, thirty-seven rubles were collected with the cross and presented by me (from the mountain), forty rubles by Klepachevsky (from Gospodskaya), by Father Pavel (from the north side) fifty-three, by Father Alexander forty-five rubles (from Posadskaya), Father Peter was extremely lazy. 1882 December 2nd day. May 19, 1883. Fifteen rubles were sent to Fidelin in Kholmogory. Gagarinskaya street, house number 14, apartment 17. August 8, 1883. Marya Konstantinovna, a clerk at the House of Diligence, was given a loan of fifteen rubles, to be paid five rubles monthly for three months. Pray for Andrey, the missing boy. Go to Marya Terentyevna’s house to visit the girl. October 31, 1882. Sunday. The adversary stung with a wish for an insignia (morning, six o'clock). You, Lord, are my incorruptible distinction, You are my eternal honor and glory, praise and power, without You there is dishonor and shame, without You all is dust and ashes, all is a passing (passing) shadow. To have You in the heart is life, peace, joy, joy, boldness, victory, incomparable adornment (this is how the apostles, martyrs and martyrs, saints and saints, all saints were adorned). Orders often serve as a sign of cunning, searching, lies and hypocrisy, poverty or lack of internal and any merits. But a brilliant appearance cannot replace inner emptiness or inner ugliness, insignificance. Not only before people, but before the Heavenly Father, who sees everything in secret, one must speak and live or act. Pay attention to your inner world: it is full of ugliness and the abomination of all kinds of sins. Mark and decorate your inner church in order to present it splendidly to the Heavenly Father, but you want to limit yourself only to external deceptive decoration that disappears like a soap bubble. Decorate yourself with meekness, kindness, humility, purity, abstinence, mercy, selflessness for the good of others, obedience, patience, moderation, simplicity and constancy of character, sociability, courtesy and affection, helpfulness. Live for God, and not for the world, sinful and adulterous, vain and false; Don’t be, like the world, adulterous and sinful, don’t live by his views, judgments, praises and surprise, so that you don’t be condemned along with him. Do not be conformed to the age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Be wise above, not earthly [Rom.12:2; Col. 3:2]. The vain desire for earthly distinctions, decorations, or wealth, or the enjoyment of food and drink is very, very hostile to true piety and, therefore, to God Himself, as has been tested without number, and plunges the soul into darkness, shame, dishonor, oppression, torment, and death. And yet, how much bliss and joy there is in true piety, in sincere devotion to God! We cling senselessly to corruption, which exudes death, and turn away from the Source of life and immortality, eternal joy and bliss. Where is reason and faith? Do not hide for yourself treasure on earth, where worms and aphids corrupt and where mental thieves break in and steal [Matthew 6:19]. Or do we not see the kingdom of decay and destruction everywhere on earth? Having eyes, we do not see, and having ears, we do not hear! It is extremely harmful to be irritated with someone: my hands are shaking and I can’t write. August 17, 1883. An invisible enemy constantly annoys me. Destroy, O Lord, his evil wisdom and power, stop his destruction, for he destroys many, many. September 21, 1883 sent to Sura and in [...] four pounds of tea. Father John clearly made a typo. Bishop of Ladoga Gerasim (Dobroserdov) occupied the vicar see of the St. Petersburg Metropolis from 1865 to 1866. Var (Church Slavic) – heat, fire, boiling water; boil - dry, burn, boil. Vegetation (Church Glorious) – sprout. Oglagolovati (Church Slavic) – accuse, slander.