Май 1882 г.

Sunday, second week after Pentecost. Before mass, especially upon arriving at church, I was in an extremely irritable state due to the influence of enemy forces, I was ready to get angry and curse at the slightest reason, especially at the sexton. I fell to the throne of grace with a secret prayer for the healing of my soul. The Lord calmed the attacking adversaries. But during mass, the irritation intensified and again prompted intense secret prayer, which somewhat calmed me down. The rainy weather that had just arrived irritated my nerves; I was in a sick mood. Reading a prayer against seditionists, halfway through I was confused by the thoughts with which invisible enemies attacked me, secretly justifying their actions; I was against them, exposing their goals, means - swords, knives, revolvers, throwing shells, arson, undermining, suicide in case of failure (poisons), generally outrageous, illegal actions, entered into a mental debate with the enemies, but forgot the example of the suicide of seditionists, and remembered only the examples of [executions] by their government; I was exhausted in the fight against the enemies and fell, became embarrassed, was wounded and could not read the prayers, having rushed and crumpled up the entire prayer. What a defeat, what a shame, what deadly ulcers! It was hard, deadly hard, and yet it was impossible to be despondent for a moment: public worship was going on; and again to God with a prayer for help, with a strong prayer, and the Lord did not leave: he delivered me from the villains, corrected my desperate situation, healed the ulcers from the stings of the serpent. I continued my service, trying my best to maintain calm. The whole trouble was as if from a bursting fury inside 5, which disappeared only after communion of the Holy Mysteries. Received life-giving communion. He gave communion to the children in the excitement 6. I didn’t read all of the pulpit: I was embarrassed, exhausted, and worried again - but, despite this, I spoke my sermon very well, and said my dismissal in full. Prayer service in excitement. Oh, how furiously my enemies rise up against me! How they guard every step, every thought, every word and seek to stymie, wound, kill at every thought and word. My enemies are fighting against me like a lion! Upon arriving home, the Lord delivered me from the stinging prick of voluptuousness after my secret prayer. This is a hellish brand, thrown into the heart by the adversary, it burns and smokes. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Vespers without stumbling and to overcome the usual fears of demons in His name, especially at the beginning of the service at the Great Litany, and to sing the Vespers stichera in a clear, loud voice, then without stumbling to perform two baptisms. I thank the Lord, who granted me in the evening before going to bed, while reading the canon and after, to overcome the prodigal demon that stung my insides, confused me, deprived me of freedom and space, and removed me from the source of life - God, and gave me sweet peace and freedom with righteousness and purity of heart. Iliodor Georgievich [...] letter in response. Pavel Stepanovich Burachek considers me incapable of communicating in an educated environment and that supposedly even young people can knock me down and force me to remain silent. Is that what he said and is that what the woman told me? Doesn't Pavel Stepanovich know me? However, I don’t care and I don’t care what people say about me, but I care about what the Lord and all the good people who know me say about me. The demon is to blame for this opinion of me: he plunges me into a state of fear, darkness, silence, both in church during a large gathering, and in houses when performing services, and during conversations about common affairs. (Didn’t Pavel Stepanovich praise me both in his address and in general in all his conversations? - No, I know a true friend. And to this woman, Paraskeva Kovrigina, he said something to humiliate me, because she praised me too much and wanted to make me known to the Tsar. That’s what it was necessary, that is, to say something humiliating about me. Thank God!) After Matins. Monday. I thank the Lord, who granted me complete victory over invisible enemies, who, as was their custom, fiercely combated my weakness during Matins. Secret prayer, falling to the holy throne, destroyed all their destructive power, and with great zeal and triumph of my soul I spoke the litanies and read and sang the canons and stichera. After Matins, the enemy again stumbled and wounded my soul in the garden, but, having entered the church and venerated the holy altar, I was healed again, and it became easy, easy for me. At home now, having sincerely repented of insulting a beggar (called him a fool with anger), I received healing from the deadening oppression of the enemy. Through one angry word, I destroyed the entire law of love, did not follow the word of meekness and humility of Christ, and for this I was deservedly punished with cramped conditions, melancholy, and hellish torment. Pavel Akulov (Andreevich) is an atheist; he does not recognize Jesus Christ as God, but only as a prophet. I got through it well; It's a pity that he was drunk. This is my true reward - if Christ God abides in me and I abide in Him. Christ is my honor and glory, my splendor and beauty, my strength, my peace, my life; and through the desire and search for earthly rewards, the enemy wants to separate us from Christ and separates, wounds and kills the soul. How can you believe when you receive glory from each other, but do not seek the glory that is from the One God? [John 5:44]. I was terribly tempted today, May 31 (Monday), through an invitation from Palyanov to his apartment, where before the evening I drank a glass of Madeira and ate a decent portion of jelly; when I began to serve Vespers, I found myself powerless: my heart became hardened, deadened, my throat was unbearably sore, I was overcome with sweat, my shirt was wet, no matter how hard I squeeze it; I was all excited; total disaster; I barely finished Vespers. The reason for this misfortune is also that at home I ate a lot of fish with mealy sauce and a quick meal, that I drank a lot, that I kissed an unknown acquaintance when I said goodbye. Before vespers, do not drink wine or eat anything. Rozhon (obsolete) – a sharp stake, fixed in an inclined position. Agitation or agitation (lat.) – strong excitement.