Июнь 1881 г.

Whit Monday. I thank the Lord, who enabled me to celebrate the Liturgy without temptation, in a clear, loud voice and worthily to partake of the Holy Mysteries, which renewed and pacified my soul; I read the pulpit peacefully, freely, and the dismissal said the same. After mass, he baptized two babies in the church. At four o'clock in the evening he was baptized by Al. [Machigina]; Before the christening on the street, he became angry with the beggar and lost his peace, but through the prayer of repentance, the confusion passed and peace reigned in the heart; in the church before the evening christening. During Vespers, temptation and confusion because of the thought of the handkerchiefs that were getting in the way in the pocket, and because of the thought of the future treat; through the prayer of repentance he was delivered and peacefully performed the rest of Vespers (at the Great Litany the temptation was especially strong); He said the special litany freely, and celebrated Compline very [...]. But he was terribly tempted at the prayer service of Glykeria A. Grechukhina, at which he also submitted his note with the names of the sexton. This last circumstance excited me extremely, wounded me and killed my soul through the work of the devil and through my self-interest and unbrotherly love (self-interest is opposed to sincere love). Only after the prayer service, after intense repentance and falling at the throne of grace, did the Lord deliver me from the torment of the devil. I thank the Lord, who did not destroy me with my iniquities. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from the strangling machinations of the evil Belial in the apartment of Grigory Sidorov during and after the all-night vigil. The evil one plucked out the words of the litanies and the Gospel against my will, striking me with oppression and sorrow, and through repentance, prayer, and faith in the Lord, I each time got rid of his dirty tricks, from remorse, from his deadly poison. Glory to the Lord! Tuesday of Trinity Sunday. During Matins there is quite significant cardiac impotence from relaxation of the stomach; acute irritability; at the very end of matins, I was offended that the young priest Peter never came up to me to greet me and that I should always go to him first. Oh, my madness! You should be glad that I warn him in my greeting. I repented of my madness, the consequence of which was cramped conditions, confusion and sorrow, and the Lord granted healing and peace upon falling to the holy throne. During mass, there is a temptation about the absurd prosphoras of bread, stale, crooked, sour, miniature, and about the presence of the rector in the church, as if for supervision. During the great entrance, he was embarrassed, wounded, did not reprimand the heir and the royal house because of an empty case, and upon entering he was restless and mortified and barely restored some peace through repentance; The Holy Synod mispronounced the title of metropolitan; after communion he calmed down; I read the pulpit well, the dismissal was all calm. At the prayer service during the reading of the Gospel to the holy martyrs, he did not say the last words: you too will be prepared... [Luke 12:40] and did not say the others - again torment, again repentance and new pardon. God bless! The duty of a Christian is to put to death the sin that lives in him and to resurrect, to increase in himself every virtue, or to put off the old man with his deeds and put on the new man, renewed in the image of the Creator [Col. 3:9-10]. During vespers today I was subjected to a grave temptation, through which I tempted others, namely: due to an upset stomach, having drunk a glass of birch vodka at home before the evening service, I could not control my heart and tongue in church, I was subjected to fear and embarrassment and could not pronounce many of the exclamations of the litany, I was confused and shuffled; I performed all Vespers vaguely and anxiously. Oh, what a virtue in a priest is calm and self-control! At the water prayer service (for Marya Terentyevna Mikhailova) I corrected myself and performed it smartly. At Titkov’s prayer service everything was fine, victorious, except for the last words of dismissal, which he could not pronounce, he was embarrassed and stopped short, which is why he was then in anxiety at Titkov’s and on the way, but for repentance the Lord delivered and gave peace. Lovers of Christ! Do not shun the fiery temptation sent to you to test you as a strange adventure, but rejoice as you participate in Christ’s sufferings, and at the revelation of His glory you will rejoice and triumph [1 Peter 4:12–13]. Strong and numerous temptations from the devil prove that you are strongly armed against them, you greatly offend them; They do not touch those who fulfill their will and leave them in harmful peace, lulling them into a sinful death. Bishops, with their live participation in the life and activities of the white clergy, with their advice, wise orders, could arouse in them the greatest energy and multi-useful activity in the field of preaching and shepherding in general, but now without their living participation, without their fatherly attitude towards him, great talents are buried in him (the white clergy), or great powers and abilities are dormant and sleeping. What is desirable is a living, loving, sincere, humble attitude of bishops towards the clergy, in the spirit of evangelical brotherhood. But you are all brethren, says Christ the Lord [Matthew 23:8]. I must take into account the words of the poor children who accuse me of drinking, and be extremely abstinent, as well as yesterday’s temptation during Vespers and shame, that is, a shameful defeat from invisible enemies because of a glass of medicinal vodka. A proud, carnal person wants to use everyone and everything only to please his pride and carnal pleasure and does not sincerely care about pleasing God and the true good of people, and therefore self-love is a terrible sin that consumes all virtue or does not allow a person to practice true virtue; Therefore, it is necessary to crucify your pride in all forms: in vanity, in pride, ambition, greed, covetousness, envy, suspicion, impatience, laziness and negligence, in voluptuousness, in anger and malice, in guile, lies, deception - in everything. We must pray to God with all our hearts, otherwise our thoughts and feelings and imagination, sometimes by will, and sometimes against our will, wander everywhere, mostly around the objects we love, these mental idols, and our heart remains cold, full of dreams and far from God. Their heart is far from Me, says God [Is.29:13]. We must love God with all our hearts, for what is more kind, more beautiful, sweeter, richer, more glorious than God? I thank the Lord, who accepted my tears of repentance and my fervent, sincere, warm prayer and delivered me from the violence of the spirits of malice and wickedness who mercilessly attacked me during Matins. After mass. I thank the Lord, who, by his ineffable mercy, has granted me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, with a good feeling and to receive life-giving communion, for renewal, strengthening, peace, consolation and joy, and to defeat the subtlest and sharpest machinations of the enemy. I thank the Lord, who grants me to triumph by His grace over the enemies of my salvation. We love to read and read, to speak and to talk, and not to do what we read and say; We buy piles of books and re-read them, books that are sometimes expensive, but we regret giving to the poor for bread and clothing. I’ve been collecting wisdom for thirty or forty years, but I still haven’t given up on stupidity, stupid passions, I’m still doing my own stupid things, and not the holy, wise, perfect, life-giving, saving will of God. With what reverence, with what grateful love, joy and admiration we should always see the icon of the Eternal Child of our Lord Jesus Christ in the arms of His Most Pure Mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary! With what heartfelt love to worship, with what cordiality, tenderness to kiss this icon, with what contemplation of God always look day and night, what holiness and truth of life to always learn, how to walk worthy of our heavenly calling to which we are called, in what mutual love to live! After all, for us this condescension, this incarnation, this exhaustion of the Only Begotten Son of God, this Hypostasis Word, who created and contains everything, rules the whole world, visible and invisible. With what faith and love, with what attention and reverence and contemplation of God should we depict the sign of the cross on ourselves - this is a weapon against the evil demons who are constantly seeking our destruction! how to remember what was accomplished on the cross for our eternal salvation, how to turn away from sin, how to love the truth and do it with all our hearts, how to love Him who loved us to the cross and death, and to love one another! I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform Vespers on June 3 with the greatest boldness and pleasure for the sake of my prayer, intensified when reading the evening prayers! Thursday. After yesterday's satiation at Markov Yakov Kamen, today I was beset by severe purifying temptations during Matins from the spirits of evil, who poured their evil poison into me, into my soul, and begged me to speak litanies, prayers to Christ, the true Light and release, which I could not utter from confusion, cramped conditions and fear of the devil. But glory to the immeasurable love of the Lord, who delivered me through the prayer of repentance and after falling to the throne of grace from the poison of invisible serpents and healed my heart ulcers. Many times during Matins the Lord delivered me from demonic malice. The enemies kicked and embarrassed me strongly and heavily during the Six Psalms with thoughts about the Burachki spouses regarding the mortgages of his wife Yulia Apollonovna, and after the Six Psalms with grief at the sexton for a minor disagreement and a mistake in singing the irmos and stichera on the verse. While serving the Lord after gluttony and delicacy, you clearly feel how gluttony corrupts, coarsens, weakens and kills the heart (in addition, it somewhat restricts breathing itself, especially at night). The great creative grace of the Holy Spirit is needed to renew the soul and body, corrupted by gluttony and satiety and drunkenness. The soul that feeds extensively lives and dies, says the Apostle [1 Tim. 5:6]; although he says this about a widow, it applies to every soul. We still do not know how the Lord’s Prayer should be, because we read it insincerely, without a deep understanding of the meaning of this prayer and without sincerely and with all our hearts wanting what we say, what we ask for, we do not strive in practice to always fulfill what we should do according to it. This prayer is also a collection of commandments. After mass on June 4. I received the greatest mercies of God in church at the beginning of the liturgy, when the Lord took away melancholy, sorrow and tightness from my heart, then at the great entrance [...], then after reading (not completely and in excitement) the prayer behind the pulpit, when the spirit of malice reminded me of the wife of Archpriest Pavel N. Lamanov (the original secular woman-debateress), towards whom I felt hostility, from which I had difficulty getting rid of during deep repentance before the Holy Mysteries, and finally after the funeral service, when I was embarrassed and offended by the sparing of my golden cross, so as not to be smoked with smoke (the adversary-catcher was greatly offended). After deep repentance and heartfelt contemplation of the one and only Lord, I was delivered from the oppression of hell (the Lord is a treasure, everything earthly is nothing). At a prayer service in trusteeship, I was fed up with the terribly bad air from the multitude of beggars gathered; He served not without stumbling, especially when reading the Gospel of the Holy Water, being afraid to utter, due to the deceit of the heart and the devil’s delusion, the words: in Hebrew Bethesda [John 5:2], and of them many others, although the entire Gospel is small. I bitterly regretted this and almost cried, I lost heart for a minute, but I did not despair and rose up with repentance and faith and continued to pray fervently and defeat my enemies in the name of Jesus Christ. At Burov's over Tatiana I had difficulty reading the familiar prayers. What hurts most during temptation is that ethereal enemies are trying to take away my faith in myself, to crush, erase, humiliate, suppress, kill me, to deprive me of all moral and personal dignity as a person. But I thank my God that He comes to my aid here, when I believe in repentance, look to Him with all my heart and cry out for help and salvation. God! Grant me everlasting faith in You, and in myself, created by You in Your image and likeness and redeemed by Your honest blood. While performing the Sacrament of Baptism in the care of Pelagia Vasilievna Balykina (née), high feelings visited me. An Orthodox Christian is not a being of this world, not a citizen of a corruptible kingdom, but of an incorruptible, heavenly one, he must be above earthly corruption, he is a citizen of heaven, not a child of the body, but a child of the Kingdom of God 56 . How long will I dream and be embarrassed by my stupid dream, as if my golden cross will fade from incense and incense smoke? And this dream during the service simply kills me through the work of the devil. Gold will always be gold, precious stones will always remain that way: if they get dusty, wipe them off, and they will become even brighter. Yes, and corruptible shine is the same dust and is worth contempt, especially because it removes you from God and destroys the soul, it becomes an idol of the heart due to our foolishness and partiality. But every treasure, every precious thing, lightness, beauty, sweetness, temporal and eternal life, every glory is God. Cling to Him alone, O man! Friday of Trinity Week (after Trinity). Severe temptations during the service of Matins due to the predominance of sensuality over the spirit from drinking wine (the day before in different places), but all their multitude and all their cruelty were defeated by the mercy and almighty power of the Lord, whom I repeatedly called upon in repentance and confession. Glory to His wondrous mercy and salvation! But let me not tempt the Lord with new stumbling blocks (excesses)! After mass. I saw, Lord, I saw again and again Your mercy and Your power in me, a sinner, overcoming my sins, healing my mental ailments and bodily passions and destroying all the machinations of the crafty and all-evil demons, mercilessly and incessantly catching me, and fiercely attacking me, and insulting me. I thank Thee, Lord, for Thou hast despised my sins, especially my gluttony, and granted me to partake of Thy most pure, most heavenly Mysteries in a life-giving and new-creating way. Oh, what a life-giving fire passed through my entire being upon communion of Thy holy things! What a world I tasted, what breadth, lightness, freedom I was awarded! God! I want to be a bearer and indicator of Your spirit, the spirit of love, meekness, humility, kindness, simplicity, holiness, abstinence! Grant me this grace of Yours, for in me my old man is constantly rushing towards the outrages of self-love, pride, malice, envy, intemperance and wants to kill me. May your grace overcome him, may he kill him. Amen. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who again and again revealed in me the all-good power of His Kingdom during my service of matins and early mass in granting me His great help, especially at the beginning of matins, which I came to in excitement after searching for exam tickets that were supposedly lost. He served without stumbling, even during late mass; at the great entrance he pronounced all the names of the royal family; received life-giving communion. Evening. Eleven o'clock. I thank the Lord, who accepted my prayer while walking in my garden, repelled attacks of carnal pleasure, cleansed my soul, enlightened it, guided it on the path of truth, pacified it, spread it, and gave it great lightness in the Holy Spirit. Resurrection. All Saints' Week. Due to satiation from the evening at the tanner Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov, today during early mass I was left without God’s help and overcome by the malice and treachery of enemies, and throughout the mass I felt ill, in cramped conditions and burdens, in confusion, loss of spirit and cowardice, fear; I read the prayer behind the pulpit restlessly, with embarrassment and crampedness (even after communion), got lost, missed many words in it; He didn’t prepare the lesson, he stole the dismissal and said one final thing: for he is good and a lover of mankind. I saw in myself the triumph of the devil, I felt this triumph of his malice and wickedness over my weakness, I felt myself in his claws, and only after the prayer service and memorial service, at which I also became confused and confused, while consuming and after consuming the Holy Gifts and through the prayer of faith and sincere repentance, I completely got rid of his jaws. Glory to the Lord, who by His goodness overcomes all my iniquities, and by His power all the snares of the devil. But how long will I consider the belly to be God and the belly how to please God? Through him I am deprived of God’s love, mercy and help. I cannot, being a glutton, love God and people, I cannot sincerely pray either for myself or for others, I become some kind of pitiful creature, neither animal nor human, some kind of freak, I lose my nobility, I distort, desecrate the image of God in myself, I do not think about things above, but about earthly things, I forget my high Christian title and election, I am deprived of freedom, I am a prisoner of my lusts and the devil. Without number, the Lord my God benefits me greatly, my life, my light, my strength, my peace, the space of my heart, the joy of my soul, my wisdom, my glory, my sweetness, my beauty - but I do not see Him face to face. Oh, if only I could prepare myself here as I should in order to see Him as He is! Oh, if only one could be cleansed from all sin, all defilement, passions of the flesh and spirit, if only one could acquire the wedding garment and stock up on oil in abundance [Matthew 25:1–13]! Meanwhile, sin does not sleep, it fights against me every minute, it strives to defile me, to take root in me deeper and deeper, more and more, stronger and stronger, if not by my will or permission, then by force, with impudence, it bursts like a robber into all passages, climbs into windows (feelings), into doors, everywhere, in order to color my soul, to strip it of all virtue, which Without this, it is not enough to deprive me of the treasure of God’s grace, to expose it, to defile and disfigure it, filling it with my vile images and filth. We must stay awake, pray, cry about our misfortune and our deprivation, begging the all-merciful Lord to intercede, save, have mercy and preserve us with His grace. On the other hand, the enemy of the human race and mine, the devil and Satan, with their minions, the spirits of evil, defile my soul with countless sins and passions! Oh, if the Lord would grant me (and is granting) to completely get rid of him by the grace of Jesus Christ and never see his nasty, dark and terrible, all-filthy image and not have anything sinful in me, if I could say: the prince of this world comes, and has nothing in me [John 14:30]! And now he still has many sins in me, which he conveniently clings to and through which he defiles and torments me, separating me from my Sweetest Lord. Tuesday. This morning the Lord showed great mercy to me, delivering me through the prayer of repentance and upon falling to the holy throne from sinful sorrow and distress over the secret grief towards the sexton Dmitry of Kamenograd for his rude treatment of parishioners who needed him; Walking in the cathedral park and repenting to God, I could not get rid of the cramped conditions, but when I entered the church, the altar and venerated the holy altar with faith, I was immediately healed. Glory to the beneficent Lord! The many-merciful and long-suffering Lord performed three miracles of mercy in me: he twice cut off the passions of the flesh through the prayer of my faith and repentance and stopped or cut off from my heart enmity and bitterness towards my wife for her misappropriation of wood income (twenty-eight rubles); oh, how earthly I am, low, passionate, far from perfect, selfish, evil; Oh, how I still belong to the world, and not to God. Alas for me! So, the Lord took death away from my soul and gave life: instead of confusion he gave peace, instead of cramped space, instead of darkness, light, instead of shame, boldness, instead of slavery to sin, freedom of truth, instead of condemnation, justification, instead of malice, kindness, instead of anger, meekness and quietness. Great art thou, O Lord, and wonderful are thy works, and not a single word will be sufficient for the singing of thy wonders 57 in me, a sinner! But what You do in me, Lord, do also in every man, for all the works of Your hands and all are in Your image, and let not one perish for the sake of the blindness and bitterness of sin; touch, soften, enlighten, cool, calm, encourage, spread, comfort and gladden the heart of every repentant sinner, open the door of repentance to everyone, so that no one will cry out to You in vain: Lord, Lord, open to us, and no one will hear from You: we know you not [Matthew 25:11-12]. O Master, surpass iniquity, conquer all our untruths with Your mercy, Your righteousness, and may Your truth cover all our untruths, even though we may repent of them with all our hearts. Amen. I was away in Narva, at three o’clock in the evening we boarded a ship to Rambov, from Rambov we went to Ligovskaya station, from there at two o’clock in the morning to Narva and arrived at seven and a half o’clock in the morning; I returned back on the 11th in the morning at nine o’clock, arrived at Ligov at four and a half o’clock in the evening, in Rambov at five and a half o’clock, home at six o’clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the salvation that was revealed in me these days, firstly, on the ship over a glass of tea from brother [Peter] Konstantinovich Nesvitsky, then at the Ligovskaya station, then in Narva when meeting a woman, whose soft parts I gazed in blissfully; I especially thank the Lord for the revealed salvation of the house during the conversation with the girl - all for repentance and faith. By frequently depicting the sign of the cross, you each time confess through this your faith in the Holy Trinity and in the one of the Trinity Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who redeemed us with the Cross from sin, eternal damnation and eternal death, you testify to your gratitude and love for God, your redeemer and lover, you reflect [from] yourself with this sign, as an invincible weapon, the demons who are constantly ready to attack and attack us through sinful thoughts, passions, temptations. It is very useful and saving to depict the sign of the cross with faith; In the name of Jesus we hope to receive all blessings from the Heavenly Father. He who gave up His Son for us, how will He not give us all things with Him [Rom.8:32]? Do not forget that you are accursed before God, poor, poor, blind and naked [Rev.3:17]. Other people from their youth began to please God, and you began to anger God and corrupt yourself, created in the holiness of truth, in the image and likeness of God. Now, at least in old age, repent with all your heart, change your voluptuous and passionate life to a temperate and passionless one, full of virtuous deeds, so that you may please God with it. Away with the all-accursed, all-delightful friendship for the flesh, which involves us in enmity against God and people and against myself. Away with corruptible, indecent, all-corrupting, insane, nasty, hostile sweets, swearing at the verbal creation of God, exalted and adorned with the image and likeness of God and redeemed from the impurity of sin and destruction with the most pure, incorruptible blood of the Son of God. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday on the railway train from the deadening movement of dislike, ill will and envy towards Father Superior Pavel V. Trachevsky, when a Onega man who met on the railway track, who lived in Kronstadt, asked me about his health and life. I repented from my heart, cried out for mercy - and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me life and peace. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the sin of carnal mental sensuality that bound and killed me, when I was in my kindergarten and, seduced, repented of my delusion, my madness, my lust and was solemnly delivered by the Lord. I thank the Lord, who solemnly and mercifully delivered me from the deadly unclean lust that wounded me when I looked at the girl in an evil way. Repenting of this, I walked through Catherine Park with the Holy Mysteries to the sick man in Kudryavtsev’s wing in Pesochnaya Street and begged the Lord and got rid of the shameful captivity. Then, having come home, he saw a girl washing the floor [in the entryway] and thought unclean things, and was wounded by fornication, but repented of his fall into sin, of the thoughts and movements of an evil heart, and asked the Lord for mercy at home. Glory to the Lord, who has mercy on me. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me from impudent lust through the prayer of repentance: once in my kindergarten at nine o’clock in the evening before the arrival of Mrs. Yulia Apollonovna Burachek and, secondly, at the end of eleven [hour] in the evening, also through the prayer of repentance. Glory to the Lord, the most pure Savior, who tortures perfect purity from me - grant this to me by Your grace. A proud person (and we are all proud) blasphemously wants everything and everyone to serve his feelings, his lust and carnality, and in people, in animals and in all things he seeks pleasure, splendor, beauty and sweetness for himself, for his sensuality, he wants the whole world to serve him, his carnal or passionate inclinations, his pride, ambition, covetousness, voluptuousness, his pomp and luxury, instead of serving God himself, loving Him, thanking Him for everything, drawing everyone with him to God, arousing him to His love. The flesh is deceitful, unsatisfied, nasty. It is like an omnivorous hell, ready to appropriate everyone and everything to itself, to swallow in order to ultimately corrupt everyone and everything, destroy, destroy, or torment and torment and to be an easy victim of the tormentor of the devil, and therefore it is necessary with contempt and hatred to crucify and mortify our flesh, that is, all its passions and lusts, in order to give life to the spirit and our spiritual inclinations and holy aspirations, which the flesh kills so that the spirit triumphs over the flesh, holy love for God and neighbor, holy feelings, all the virtues that liken a person to God, just as passions liken him (a person) to the devil. Those who are Christ's are the flesh crucified with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. Without serving services, especially the Liturgy, and without partaking of the Holy Mysteries of Christ for a whole week, I weakened in spirit, became corrupted, died, and was powerless to fight the mercilessly attacking spirits of malice and wickedness; Only grace-filled tears of repentance renew and strengthen me, especially during public worship, and especially the life-giving Mysteries, the Body and Blood of the Lord. Glory, Lord, to Your grace, glory especially to Your most pure Mysteries, which resurrect our souls. I must constantly remember my high, responsible priestly duty and try to fulfill it diligently at all times - whether when performing divine services, or when teaching the people of God in the church the truths and rules of faith and piety, especially when performing the Sacraments; I must remember that for everyone entrusted to me, I will give an answer to God, and therefore day and night I must take care of the salvation of everyone and not please myself, not my flesh and my countless passions and vicious inclinations. My wealth is Christian souls with their sinful wealth, which I must scatter in order to enrich them with the wealth of virtue, the grace and help of God. Oh, how high is my rank and how responsible! My rank is the rank of Christ! How holy, meek, gentle, dispassionate, loving, heavenly I must be! Grant me, God, all this! Resurrection. Eight and three quarters in the morning. That very minute the Lord mercifully visited me with His salvation, delivering me, repentant and praying, from sorrow and cramped conditions and the poison of the deadly, scorching serpent, which befell me for my hardness of heart and bitterness towards the beggar who asked for the twenty kopecks given to her. Glory to the Lord, who has blessed my heart, passionate for earthly acquisitions, alien to heavenly, spiritual, eternal ones. Instead of being all heavenly, spiritual, dispassionate, my heart is earthly, carnal, passionate, stupid, wild, absurd. So they called me to a sick old girl (in the house of Stepanov Phil.), and I, going to her with the heavenly Mysteries of Christ, dreamed of an earthly reward (the Order of St. Anna of the second degree), how to receive it as quickly as possible, and I was wounded, and darkened, and my soul died for God and my neighbor, and I came to the sick person not myself, wounded, distraught, embarrassed, confused, speechless, dumb, cold as a dead man, without love for the heavenly Mysteries of Christ, without any feeling of tenderness, without love and compassion for the sick, without respect for his high rank; I could barely somehow read prayers with omissions of words and sayings due to darkness and oppression of the heart. It was then that I felt all the charm, all the deception of our worldly passions, all their perniciousness, their madness, all our damnation, all our disastrous passion, and I cursed my addictions, alienating me from God and my neighbor, maddening and killing my soul, paralyzing my body itself. Oh, how reckless, foolish, ungrateful, malicious, inconsistent I am! I am called to the heavenly calling - and I am all consigned to the earth, called to incorruption - and I am all enslaved to corruption (excess in food, drink, clothing, body adornments, malice, envy, self-interest, stinginess, hard-heartedness). Lord, have mercy on me! God! Deliver me from my madness and violence and the darkening of passions. God! Teach me to desire and seek one incorruptible glory, and not earthly, incorruptible pleasure, and not earthly and corruptible. You be my attire and adornment, my distinction, my beauty, my incorruptibility, my food, my drink, my glory, my incorruptible treasure, my everything, and let everything on earth be to me as if it were not, and let it be destroyed and all disappear, as the untruthful Scripture says [2 Pet. 3:10]. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the poison of the serpent at eight o’clock in the morning, poured out by the murderer for my grief on the beggar. I repented sincerely - and was granted permission, healing, peace and space. I thank the Lord for his infinitely great mercy during the service of the Liturgy, during which I felt how wretched, poor, poor, blind and naked I was, and I wept touchingly by the grace of God. The Lord revived me, terribly deadened by sin during the week, when I remained without service, revived me both generally during the Liturgy, and especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries. Glory to His mercy and bounty! The Lord also revived me, dead through sins. Could anything bad come from the All-Good, from the Most Pure something unclean, from the All-Holy something sinful, from the All-Wise something insane, from the Almighty something weak, as we see ourselves? Isn’t this imperfection and evil from us, isn’t it from our will and from the first culprit of all sin – the devil? So, glorify the Lord for the perfection of His creations and try to achieve primordial perfection yourself, and always diligently repent of the evil felt in you and done by you, mourn it and keep the commandments of your Creator and Savior - and you will not be rejected by His goodness. I thank the Lord, even today, who has graciously rewarded me with His mercy, when, after having sinned repeatedly, I turned to Him with repentance and faith. Forgive me, Vladyka Lord, that I spoke a lot judgmentally and harshly on the road from country dachas to the city about the rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, and fell away from love for him. I myself am overwhelmed by the gravest sins and weaknesses. Make him and me, O Lord, in Thy paths [Ps. 16:5] and save us, Thy unworthy servants, through our destinies. Amen. How can we sincerely and diligently magnify the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Angels and all the Heavenly Powers and holy people, when we care about our own magnification and our own glory, vain, fleeting, perishable, like everything earthly, when we ourselves want to shine, to become rich, while the saints of God were in spiritual and physical poverty and did not want to know any other wealth except the wealth of grace, and Are you rich in God and His righteousness? For twenty-five years, my wife was extremely moderate in the construction of her underwear and outerwear, but she will be allowed from me to enjoy the luxury of bathing every day with our pupils and nieces. God! Destroy in me the advice of the evil one, who fights me with stinginess and indignation towards my wife, and heal my heart, which aches with corruption, O Lord! Now with sweetness, now with love of money, now with vain glory or with bitterness and hostility, the ethereal enemy tries daily and hourly to seduce and steal me, to confuse, oppress and destroy me. This morning he armed me against the rector because he allowed and ordered the masons in the church to knock during vespers, when I asked them not to disturb us by knocking; I imagined that the rector was an opponent of God, almost the Antichrist, because he did not respect the Divine service and disrespected it in various ways, and secretly became embittered against him as an opponent of God, and now sorrow and distress befell my soul, for I fell away from meekness and love; but, having sincerely repented before Him who sat on the throne, he was pardoned, felt peace, spaciousness of heart, boldness, and read and sang the canons at Matins and the holy Menaion with delight. Then, upon leaving the church, a woman greeted me with joy and handed me two rubles, but I looked at her and was hurt by my thoughts and unclean movements of my heart; he repented again, and was again pardoned later. At a prayer service outside the city with the Grechukhins, while serving a water-blessing prayer service for a family consisting of girls, he became embarrassed, was wounded by the fornication images, could not pronounce the words of the Gospel due to extreme impurity of the heart, generated by gluttony, lust and satiety, and only after repentance was pardoned by the Lord, being granted peace, simplicity, and boldness; finally, at the same prayer service, while reading the water-blessing prayer, I thought about material rewards through the wiles of the devil, and the enemy again struck my soul, darkened, shamed, burdened, killed and deprived of freedom of speech; I could not say everything that was necessary in the order of prayers, and I stole and suppressed the words. At the end of the prayer service, he fell to the Lord with repentance and tears on his knees, and the Lord again had mercy. Oh my all-destructive, shameful, absurd, shameless, murderous passions! How long will you disgrace me? How long will I be deceived by all the corruption that corrupts my spirit? Until, like Saint Tikhon of Amathunt (June 16), I count everything to dust - gold, silver, precious stones, all sweet food and drink, and all utensils, clothing, and the beauty of a woman’s face! But I thank the Lord for His repeated deliverance of my weakness, my misery from the torment of the devil! What a very respectable Catholic Pole said to me at the Ligovo railway station about why our clergy does not preach in churches, and what solid reasons he gave for the fact that preaching must certainly be in churches, for through this the people learn faith and piety and the fear of God, their morals are softened, they become more sober, cheerful, more diligent in work, sincere in duties to the authorities, meeker and more thorough in family life, more regular in paying taxes, and so on! And without preaching, the people fall into unbelief, indifference in their actions, become dull, become intemperate, lazy, disorderly in family and economic affairs, learn deception, cunning, appropriation of someone else's property, disrespect for legitimate authorities, and so on. The priest is the main and almost the only educator of the people in the spirit of faith. Morning. В саду моем. I thank and exalt with all my heart my Lord Jesus Christ, who, through the prayer of whole-hearted repentance, delivered me from the corrupting and painful lusts that rose up against me, and who gave me peace and space and a restful sleep in the garden gazebo. Learn to bless sincerely, with faith and zeal, individually and in multiples. Friday. I thank the Lord, who visited me with His inexpressible mercy, when I repented with all my heart many times of my sins: pride, stinginess, love of money, hardness of heart, dislike, hostility, irritation with the poor, especially one of them, whom I hit on the back with a cane out of frustration at his begging. The Lord revived me, dead, renewed me, burned up all the sinful thorns in me, destroyed sorrow and oppression, took away shame, and bestowed peace, freedom, space, light, strength (when I walked in my kindergarten). Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who saved me through the prayer of repentance, deep self-reproach, self-condemnation, self-reproach from self-love, envy, stinginess, hostility, embarrassment, sorrow and cramped conditions, demonic snares that involuntarily surrounded me after my family rode around, bathing in the hospital bath (I regretted the money for rentals: what, I think, if they ride in cabs every day?). He fell away from love for God and his family, he placed his hope in dead metal, as in God, and from trusting in God the Provider, vigilant and generous, he fell away - from God, Who is an inexhaustible treasure, an ever-flowing source! Oh, stupidest pride, oh, madness! Oh, blindness! O evil eye! Oh, slavery to the devil and the shameful fulfillment of his lusts! The Lord completely delivered me for repentance from my shameful sins: envy, greed, hostility, anger, despondency, cowardice, melancholy! Glory to Your holy, all-saving name, Lord! Saturday. I thank and extol the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from the deadly poison of sweets due to my view of the maiden. The Lord accepted my heartfelt repentance and delivered me from my uncleanness, from poverty, from death. It was in the evening, about four o'clock. And earlier, at ten o’clock in the morning, before going to bed in the gazebo, the Lord delivered me from the same trouble and also from the spirit of stinginess and greed. Resurrection. I am a damned man: I crawl in the dust, being called to a heavenly, spiritual life on earth, and even while performing the heavenly liturgy that grants us incorruptibility and deification, I have a heart attached to earthly, corruptible goods, or sometimes I indulge in confusion and fear, impatience and anger, partiality, man-pleasing, vanity, vanity. Alas for me! Until now, I have not yet risen above all that is corruptible, and I am enslaving shamefully, cowardly, disastrously to all that is perishable, and thereby I humiliate myself, my human, my Christian dignity, I do not achieve the goal, I do not strive for the honor of a heavenly calling, for the incorruptible, pure, unfading inheritance, kept for us [1 Pet. 1:4], I still fall away from love and fall into enmity, envy, anger towards the wife and family because of money, because of spending it on bathing and various excesses. Is the price of money such that it would make you fall away from love, peace, meekness, and truth? Does the hand of the Lord ever fail? No. I almost feel every day that it will never be exhausted. Enlighten therefore, O Lord, the eyes of my heart, so that I count everything earthly for dust and let nothing earthly deceive me, wiser on high, imperishable, deifying. Because of my addiction to earthly goods, money and other things, I envy my family, I get upset, I am angry with them for spending unnecessary money, I myself am deprived of peace, freedom, communication with God, or today after mass, because of my addiction to the precious cross at the funeral service, I could not say goodbye, because I was embarrassed and lost energy, strength, freedom, tranquility, I was completely overcome with confusion. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy and generosity, shown to me today during the service of early mass in deliverance from the snares of the enemy, from coldness, sorrow and tightness and relaxation of the heart and in the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, after which I was cleansed, sanctified, strengthened, renewed, encouraged, said the prayer behind the pulpit sincerely, with power, said my word and without stumbling, boldly pronounced the whole dismissal. After the mass, ethereal enemies were terribly hostile to me, sarcastically, tried to stop the service of the prayer service and memorial service, did not allow me to say goodbye at the memorial service (because of the thought of the precious cross and because of the addiction to it), they confused and killed my heart. After the service, they attacked me terribly due to their stinginess and hostility towards their family, who often go swimming and waste money, especially when I was on the way to the military ship “Snow” for a prayer service. He prayed and repented earnestly to the Lord about his addictions and his greed and malice; It was hard and terrible for me to the extreme, but the grace of God defeated the evil of the devil in me and delivered me; The prayer service was served with boldness and sincerity. Glory to God who strengthened me! On the ship he ate a lot, ate everything modest, drank wine and beer, tea. Upon arriving home, the enemies again terribly attacked me through greed, dissatisfaction with myself, with my cohabitants, but when I repented of my madness and asked the Lord for enlightenment and mercy, I received mercy, peace, and freedom. God bless! Monday. I saw, Lord, and now I saw Your wondrous, merciful and speedy salvation in me, passionate, after I, seeing two young people, a man and a woman, in the church garden, thought evil and nasty things about them and I myself was wounded by fornication and fell into slavery and aphids, and then came to the church and in sincere repentance venerated the throne of God, first in St. Andrew's Church, and then Peter and Paul. The Lord delivered me with His mercy, and I felt so easy, free, and peaceful. The Lord burned all the sinful thorns in me. Nine and three quarters o'clock in the morning. So I came home, delivered and comforted by You, Lord, before the funeral service, during the funeral service, which I performed all safely with the miraculous help of God. Before the funeral service, ethereal enemies usually pressed me and tormented me with melancholy (spleen), producing in me with their stings cowardice and loss of spirit. But, having come to the deceased woman’s room (near Holshchina), I prayed earnestly to the Lord and with His help I overcame all the enemies of deceit. Glory and thanksgiving for this to the Lord, the merciful, merciful, all-good and beneficial! And do not leave me before, Lord! And in all my life, prosper me, weak, sad and sinful. Evening. Ten and a half hours. What will I give to You, what praise, what gratitude will I bring to You for twice deliverance from the grave death of sin, into which I fell through the devil’s cunning, firstly, at the memorial service in the house of Philip Stepanov for Lydia (Loshchina, sister), being afraid to pronounce the litany and dismissal, which is why I died in soul, fell into mortal oppression and sorrow, from which I was delivered in the cathedral, falling with a prayer of repentance to the throne of God, and secondly, at the fence near our house, in a rage calling a beggar guy about twenty-two years old a beast for begging and deceit. Oh, how hard it was for me! But through prayer, long persistent prayer at home and in my garden, I bowed my God to mercy, and He took away my guilt from me, granting healing, peace, freedom, nobility, boldness, and an exalted spirit. Glory and thanksgiving to our most merciful, all-obedient, quick-to-obey, merciful and beneficial God, who heard our prayers for the gift of rain and sent rain in abundance to a thirsty, parched land. The next day, after public prayer, from about nine in the morning the sky began to be covered with clouds, at eleven o’clock light clouds began to move across the sky, by the evening the sky was covered on all sides with clouds, the air became humid and inexpressibly blissful, and after the all-night vigil, at about ten o’clock, it began to rain. Glory to Thee, the All-Benefactor, who with Thy mercy has rejoiced men and animals, birds, reptiles and all insects and reptiles. I am ashamed of my face for the sake of my sins, especially gluttony and everyday delicacies. Because of this sin, all night long I feel burdened by inner constriction, whiteness of the heart and all feelings (feelings, sensitivity), victory from ethereal enemies, extreme rebellion and torment of passions, greed, stinginess, greed, cruelty towards the poor, desire and search for earthly advantages and distinctions, despondency, cowardice, timidity, melancholy and sorrow in unfavorable circumstances, addiction to decay and dust, worldly merging, negligence about gaining the honor of a high title and incorruptible, inexpressible blessings, which no eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor has the heart of man sighed [1 Cor. 2:9], neglect of the honor of the sons of God by grace, members of Christ and members of the Church - this wonderful, holy society of God's chosen ones, churches the animated Spirit of the Holy God, the living abodes of the Holy Trinity, heirs of God and joint heirs of Christ. What is frequent, Lord, have mercy or the Trisagion, Our Father, without heartfelt thought and heartfelt contrition, without a clear understanding of the power of words? Or Have mercy on me, O God, and all prayers? Our prayers need light and fire and the power of God, the grace of the Holy Spirit. Demonic fears and various passions attack you brazenly - and you attack them brazenly, boldly, decisively, irrevocably, constantly calling on God’s help, and you will overcome them. Who is the faith of the Lord and is ashamed? [Sir.2:10]. You have experienced this yourself many times. Do not be anxious about anything... The Lord is near [Phil.4:6,5]. Countless earthly delights confuse and almost constantly weaken my accursed, multi-passionate heart. Lord, true Light of the delights existing in darkness! Enlighten the eyes of my heart abundantly, so that by Your power I will destroy all the damnation of passions! God! Having come to seek and save the lost, seek and save me, the lost, I pray to You with all my heart, for behold, the enemy flatters and fights my soul, torments, kills. Addiction to food, drink, clothing, to money, fun, games, to distinctions, to the comforts and decoration of the home distracts the soul from the only thing needed - from God and His grace, from caring for the soul, about its salvation, enlightenment, correction, about internal beautification, from caring about human souls (if anyone is a shepherd of souls or a father, mother, boss), produces fatal intoxication in the soul, binding, darkness, torment, shameful, deadly, humiliating slavery, deprive the soul of peace, grace-filled consolation, light, spiritual freedom; in general, all worldly addictions have a deadly, darkening, derogatory effect on the soul. Your destiny, man, is to live with God forever and ever, to have Him as food, clothing, adornment, light, the highest honor and, in a word, He is your life, your beauty and glory, your sweetness, your strength, your incorruptibility, your perfect freedom, freedom from sin and corruption, freedom to do good, your peace, your space. All glory is to the king's daughter within [Ps. 44:14], and the king's daughter is you, O Christian soul, as it is said: I will be a Father to you, and you will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty [2 Cor. 6:18]. Everyday addictions corrupt the soul, darken, dishonor, sting, scorch, torment, oppress it, and clinging to the one God of the soul, created in His image, revives it, enlightens, consoles, renews, strengthens, cools, expands its being, adores it. My greatest honor, which I have on earth and which is in heaven, is the honor to be called and to be Christ’s, a Christian, a child and follower of Him, or to bear and justify by deed the dignity of His priesthood, to perform His heavenly Mysteries, to create new things, to sanctify and adore with them myself and my neighbors. Addiction to the decoration of the body empties and strips the soul of its spiritual decoration, disfigures it, for it separates it from God, Who is the true, eternal garment and decoration of the soul; a soul that cares about bodily adornment becomes enslaved to corruption and loses faith in God. A carnal, worldly man often does not know what he wants and why: when he gets what he wants, he does not use it, for then his heart’s eyes open and he sees that it is vanity, that it does not satiate his soul, does not calm him down, does not console him in sinful sorrows, does not bring him closer to God, the Source of life, peace, joy and bliss. (Regarding the wish for the Order of St. Anne of the second degree.) Isn’t the precious decoration—a golden cross with precious stones, magnificent and beautiful—enough for me? And it’s a pity to wear it, for fear of sooting it, although the soot does not harm at all, because just wipe it off carefully - gold and semi-precious stones do not fade, but always remain gold and stones, always shiny, for shine is their essential property. Remember the thinness of the vestment (robes) of St. Sergius of Radonezh and the greatest beauty, beauty, glory of his soul, which was and is and will be forever the church of the Holy Trinity and is eternally rich in God, glorious, blessed, strong, intoxicated, saturated with His inexhaustible grace from His ever-flowing source. Our soul is simple, just as God is a simple Being, not complex; May the Lord God be everything to our soul: light, food, clothing, everlasting desire, sweetness, beauty, glory and honor, incorruptibility, strength, peace, freedom, truth, deliverance, sanctification, refuge. Always rise in spirit above everything earthly and do not enslave to any perishable object, do not humiliate the height of calling and redemption and future incorruptible inheritance given to you by God, the generous and generous; be above everything earthly, corruptible and transitory. Tuesday. I thank You, Lord, who gave me the grace and strength to overcome the disembodied enemy during the service of a prayer service in Gostiny Dvor in Denisov’s shop: by this victory the Lord revived me. And don’t leave me in the future, Lord! Forgive my sins! So I was upset at the beggars who often asked me. I repent. I was seriously tempted today during the funeral service and incense through my addiction to the shine of gold and precious stones of my pectoral cross, thinking that it would darken with smoke, and my heart fell away from my Lord, Whom I had just received in the Holy Mysteries, I was subjected to confusion, sorrow, cramped conditions, death, darkness, wordlessness, shame and humiliation from ethereal enemies, who tempted me with their dreams. Woe, grievous grief came to me from my insane, stupid addiction, and with great difficulty I begged the Lord, who was angry and constantly angered by me, with sincere repentance. I stood before the Holy Chalice with the Holy Mysteries in my oppression and shame, and by faith, repentance, and self-condemnation I bowed to the Lord’s mercy - and received peace, freedom, boldness, and life. Well, why do I regret my golden cross? Isn't it enough for my life? Will incense smoke eat him up? Isn’t it worth just wiping off the adhering dust of smoke if it sticks to it, for the smoke spreads throughout the entire church, and does not cling only to your cross, as the devil confuses you with his dreams. In the future, do not pay the slightest attention to the stupid dreams of your heart and to the dreams of the devil, who puts countless dreams into our thoughts and hearts and through dreams overthrows and torments us. And how do you, priest, dare to exchange the Creator for a creature and even for a soulless thing made of precious metal and valuable stones, eternally alive and giving life to all creatures - for a soulless, dead, rough substance, perishable and disappearing? Is there any point here? Henceforth be prudent and be above all dust. Mountain wise. Woe of the heart! Away with everything that is longer, more charming, moving away from God, from His belly and killing my soul. Amen. Take away from me, Lord, the insane passions of the heart that kill my soul by moving away from You; You be my treasure, You are the only one; Let no creature possess me. Amen. The Lord granted me today to perform the early Liturgy without stumbling, easily, calmly, and to partake of the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving way, with a feeling of the Divine new-created fire, but when I said the prayers before communion: I believe, Lord, and I confess, and so on, and the last prayer, May it not be a judgment or condemnation for me to receive the Holy Mysteries, - due to the action of the devil, I doubted and was embarrassed, without finishing the words of this prayers in the middle, which extremely hurt me. Away with false shame and fear! Five and three quarters o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the speedy pardon and revival of me, killed by sin: I sincerely prayed to the Lord in repentance for the irritation I had committed towards the poor and towards my wife - and soon received miraculously permission, remission, revival. How good is Your mercy, O Lord! How sweet is Your mercy, Master of my soul, Lord! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the all-evil, all-evil, persistent cunning of vile demons, firstly, at night in a dream, when I was almost tempted by their nasty ghosts and, getting up, offered the Lord a prayer of repentance, and, secondly, during the day at a prayer service with Sampson Denisov in the new shop, when the enemies were really annoying me, confusing, leading fear, crowding my heart and mind and not allowing me to speak the words of the Gospel and prayers, but I prayed with tears of repentance to the Lord for deliverance from their dirty tricks, and this sweet deliverance soon came to me. But after a hearty, quick lunch during Lent and a sound sleep during the day, my heart relaxed again, and demonic temptations again rightfully tormented me, as they did at Varvara Ermolaevna’s prayer service in Polyakov’s [(formerly Druzhinnik)] house, and now their deceit in me has not ended. Deliver them, O Lord, from this wickedness; Grant and help me to always abstain from all excess, O Lord of my life. Wear and do not regret your precious cross as long as you live, for after death, who will get it and who will wear it? But in your lifetime there will be plenty of it. Friday. I thank the Lord, who called me to glorify His name and the Most Pure Mother of God on the occasion of the memory of the miraculous appearance of Her holy icon in Tikhvin; prayer services on this occasion in different places served to cleanse, sanctify, renew and strengthen my soul through temptations that aroused me to intense prayer and repentance for my sins. Invisible enemies cut into my heart as if with a murderous wedge and tyrannized me with nasty, evil, blasphemous thoughts and evil lusts, and I repented of myself and prayed to the heart-knowing Lord, the all-righteous and all-merciful - and avoided their hands, was aroused to the most sincere and life-giving praise (akathist to the Mother of God) in the house of Isaac [(Vladimirskaya street)]; prayer service with Paraskeva Ivanovna Andreevskaya in her house at Denisov Sampson. (We must go to him in the next week to read over his wife.) There was no early mass on that day, but the people were waiting for it. Next year, if the Lord blesses me and I am alive, I must organize a mass on the feast of the Tikhvin Mother of God. I thank the Lord, who most abundantly wins the hearts of my parishioners towards me. What sensitive, kind, believing souls! (Makarovs and others.) Saturday. Today I, the accursed one, fell into the blues, discontent, greed, stinginess, greed, envy, hostility towards my very family, who live for nothing on my labors, do nothing, extremely luxuriously every day in varied, expensive food ([meat], eggs, milk in abundance, cream, butter in abundance, sugar, coffee and tea many times), but I repented, realized all the sinfulness of my feelings and passionate dispositions, your greed, envy, hostility, temporary unsociability, your dissatisfaction with God's generous gifts to me, your ingratitude, your idleness and laziness, negligence, impatience, gluttony and delicacy, your falling away from love, which is the fulfillment of the law [Rom. 13:10], your blind, reckless, evil self-love; I condemned myself sincerely, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me a good and calm disposition of spirit, a spirit of calm and contentment, a spirit of meekness and love. In fact, I, like every Christian, need one thing - peace of mind, truthfulness of the soul, simplicity of heart, contentment with little things, self-restraint in everything, perfect devotion to the Lord God and constant communication with Him, all of which may the Lord give me in His great mercy. But, Lord, turn the heartfelt thoughts and concerns of Your servants Anna and Elizabeth, my wife, to the deeds of their rank and duty: one as a prosphora maker and a Christian widow, and the other as a helper to a husband and a Christian, enlighten their heartfelt eyes and make them hasty to do good deeds. God! Correct my thoughts regarding my colleague Priest Alexander. So I think and worry, I am embarrassed that he is hiding the income of the brethren for his own benefit, although he is very rich (if he gave some of it to the poor in good conscience, I would not be against it: we must give to the poor from the total income in gratitude to the Lord for His bounties). Correct my thoughts regarding Priest Peter and Archpriest Paul in the same way. And guide me, Lord, in everything according to Your will! Amen. I thank the Lord, who, through repeated short prayers of repentance, plucked me from the jaws of the all-evil devil, who tormented me, healed the burning, deadly ulcers of my heart, renewed and miraculously revived me. Behold, I have healed the wound of my Lord! Most of all, I thank the Lord for delivering me from the spirit of hostility, anger, melancholy, greed, stinginess, and selfishness. From what ugliness of the soul, from what rage, madness, madness of passions, from what darkness and the shadow of death, from what sorrow and oppression You save me, O Master Lord, every day! I thank and glorify You, all-merciful, all-merciful, benevolent, benevolent, all-powerful Lord! But do not allow me, Master, to be captivated by all sorts of passions and be kept away from them and away from You! For captivity from them is cruel and deadly. God! Remember and correct Your verbal creation of Simeon, [who persecutes] his wife fiercely, soften his heart, please him, pacify him, deliver him from the possession of the evil one! And deliver me, Lord, from the spirit of wickedness, malice, and suspicion! (In Elena Lukinishna’s house, the cab driver Semyon hates his wife and beats her.) I thank the Lord, who gave me tenderness and boldness during the service of the all-night vigil in the cathedral, sublime thoughts and feelings about all the faithful, especially when applying them to the Gospel; I thank the Lord for my boldness in saying the Sunday dismissal. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the lust that arose in me now, for I repented and prayed for deliverance. Morals become corrupted when laws are weakened; This is how it happened in Russia: Russian morals were completely corrupted when laws began to condone crimes and corporal punishment was abolished. Because of my intemperance, the Lord did not allow me to write a sermon on the Fourth Week after Pentecost: I went to the birthday boy Sampson Denisov after the all-night vigil and ate and drank with him when it was not necessary, and drank wine, and enjoyed various treats. So I lost my words, became senseless about spiritual things, dull in mind and heart. With dignity and righteousness he lost the great gift of God! (Before the all-night vigil, I drank tea with cream.) How all the holy Angels sympathize with us and how they rejoice when we unanimously do the will of God on earth! How especially ready they are then to help us in all good things, with what joy they lift up our prayers to God and intercede for us! Let us be of one mind with the Angels, and even at our death they will be our helpers and intercessors and will cheerfully lead us to the heavenly abodes. Countless hosts of Angels are doing the perfect, creative, paternal will of God in everything - will we, like the apostate devil with his detractors, constantly resist it and thereby be subjected to countless disasters here on earth, and will we plunge ourselves into eternal misfortune in the future life? It won't happen. Let us be attentive to ourselves and carefully reject evil and all sin, and do good; Let us overcome the delights of sin and love strict virtue, whose beauty and sweetness are indescribable and which never shames those who follow it. After mass. I felt unwell before and during mass (aching in the right side, in the stomach, a strong urge to sleep, weakness, melancholy); served decently, but the all-evil and all-evil demon seriously stumbled during the last incense before the Holy Mysteries before the cry Always, now and ever and to the ages of ages - he stumbled with a stupid addiction to my precious pectoral cross: I regretted that the smoke would dust it, damage it, and at the same time I was struck to death in my heart, I was embarrassed, fell into sorrow and crampedness and lack of control myself. I read the pulpit restlessly, as if tied up, ashamed (rightly so), with very significant omissions; Vacation could not speak at all. It was bitter for me. Only after consuming the Holy Gifts did I calm down. The Holy Mysteries revived me both times - during mass and after it. Morning. The slightest momentary attachment to perishable treasure, to perishable beauty, sweetness, glory, to a perishable face, to earthly strength, power, to money, to wealth and anything earthly kills spiritual, heavenly, life-giving love in the heart and strikes the very heart with death. Therefore, look at everything earthly, as transitory, corruptible and mostly vain, false, with impartial eyes, without clinging to your heart in the least, without fear, for it is fitting to fear God alone, and then you will be at peace; otherwise you will have countless reasons for anxiety, fear, and torment. During the all-night vigil on the day of the twelve apostles after the glorification, it was very difficult for me due to fatigue, nervousness and enemy temptations: I could not pronounce the prayers and exclamations of some, although I served generally loudly; there was loss of spirit, melancholy, despondency, cramped conditions, sorrow, but after the all-night vigil the Lord accepted my repentance and forgave all my sins, giving a testimony within from the Holy Spirit in peace and silence. This morning I was extremely irritated and cursed at the old maid Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who came to me with her perplexities about me and then intended to go to Peterhof and praise me before the Tsar himself (what a woman’s madness!). With extreme anger, I drove her away from me from the kindergarten, and I myself began to fervently repent and read prayers for communion. The Lord accepted me according to His usual mercy. I thank the Lord and praise and extol the Lord’s mercy and His long-suffering towards me and towards everyone! After mass late. I thank the Lord with all my being, who was blessed by my Lord Jesus Christ before the liturgy, when He accepted my repentance for my sins and, when I was troubled, he pacified me, healed the torn to pieces, revived the dead, forgave the sinner, and during mass helped me to perform the entire service without stumbling and to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation in the face of countless snares of the devil. I also performed the prayer without stumbling by His grace. During the final consumption of the Holy Gifts, the damned one did not stop fighting against me, but the Lord delivered me from his dirty tricks, and when he approached Ivan Petrovich Rudakov’s shop after mass, he tried to kill me with an iron sign, even the door, but the Lord had mercy on me: the blow came through a straw hat and the door only bruised me (almost on the left church). All prayers and chants to the glory of the Lord, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and saints are always addressed, in churches and in houses, on the streets, on the sea and on land, in the second person: “you”, “you”, because they form, as it were, a mutual conversation of one with another or several persons with God, the Mother of God, a holy Angel or with their hosts, with holy saints or with their whole face, and assume that they are necessarily listening to us, present with us or very close to us in God. And this should always instill in us during domestic or public worship that we must always pray, glorify or give thanks, ask with faith (in the simplicity of the heart) for their closeness, for their goodness, kindness, prompt obedience, with a pure heart, with the fear of God, with hope and love, with heartfelt attention and zeal, with sincere repentance for our countless falls into sin. I thank the Lord for the birth from my heart of unclean passions that attacked me, ensnared me incessantly, corrupting my soul and separating it from the love of God. I thank the Lord for my help against my enemies during Vespers and Compline. On the night of July 1, severe itching in the body from little movement in the air and from eating very nutritious meat foods, including cheese. I thank the Lord for the heavy rains that lasted for a week (the last one with thunder and lightning on June 30). They prayed to the Lord and gave him rain. Grant me, Lord, a pure heart and fervent love for You, for the Most Pure Mother of God, the all-merciful Intercessor of the Christian race, for the holy Angels and for all people. Amen. Wake up! July 1st. When, after Vespers, I read a prayer for a sick baby, the non-believer abbot looked at me in surprise, moving from the candle proceeds. Oh, may my feet not weaken from his disbelief and mockery! God! Enlighten the eyes of his heart, blinded by the evil love of money. And have mercy on me, enlighten me, strengthen me and save me. Let the body be not for that child, but for the child of Your Kingdom. The prayer of the priest over the recipient of baptism “Sovereign Lord our God, call Thy servant” from the follow-up of the Sacrament of Baptism. From the follow-up to the Great Blessing of Water. Commit (church glory) – to establish, strengthen; complete, complete, make perfect. Evil (Church Slavic) – bad, crafty; terrible.