Ноябрь 1880 г.

Evening. I thank the Lord, who soon delivered me, by ineffable mercy, for my small repentance when kissing the holy throne, from the sorrow and distress that befell me for being upset with the poor, who came to me without number asking for alms before Vespers. I thank the Lord, who also accepted my repentance and delivered me from the new oppression that was depressing my soul, after I, going to [Burakov’s] christening and meeting poor girls asking me for alms, turned them back with indignation and secret anger, saying that I had no money. And I also thank the Lord for the new salvation in [Burakov’s] apartment after the Sacrament of Baptism, which I performed with extreme moral and physical difficulty, without uttering many expressions, having been defeated by an invisible fighter. By faith and calling on the sweetest name of Christ in repentance in [Burakov’s] small room, I was saved and received peace and silence of heart. I thank the Lord for the new marvelous salvation of my unworthiness at home at ten o’clock in the evening after arriving from [Burakov’s] christening: having given alms to fourteen beggars, I became angry with them when they began to ask for money for various needs, and the gate door slammed with anger. This stung me. I again sincerely repented at home, and the Lord again had mercy, giving me peace. Oh, wonderful, all-saving name of Christ my God! Friday. God! I thank You for the quick, wondrous, merciful, omnipotent, repeatedly granted salvation to me from my sins, secretly committed in the morning out of my impatience, inclination to anger, grumbling, and greed. Evening. Glory to Your all-redeeming name, Lord Jesus! Twice in one hour I fell into grave sins of anger and rage against the poor (I sent one to hell - I sinned), twice I was in the mortal clutches of the devil; twice and three times, or six times, I repented sincerely, with great pain, and the Most Merciful forgave me, granting me boldness, peace, freedom: the first time soon, the second time, not soon, having punished me for a long time in truth. Glory to His fatherly punishment! May I not be angry in the future, may I not be irritated, may I not be angry! After the christening at Khitrov’s in the Rossiya Hotel. The Lord performed a great miracle of salvation in me after catechetical and incantatory prayers, during the reading of which I was the playground of invisible enemies, tormented by their cunning and poisonous remorse due to the stubborn refusal of alms to the beggars who had been chasing me for a long time. But when, tormented and tormented, embarrassed, I turned with secret repentance to the Lord, asking for mercy and reconciliation with Him - oh, a miracle! my bonds were destroyed, spiritual death escaped, I came to life, was pacified, became confident, received freedom and with a triumphant spirit completed the entire sequence of Baptism in truth and reverence. Reject corruption, you are called to incorruption, exchange the corruptible for the incorruptible, the transitory for the eternal, the earthly for the heavenly. Celebrating the twenty-fifth anniversary of the priesthood, or bearing the priesthood, I do not want to praise myself - God forbid! - and the countless mercies of God and the immensity of the gifts of grace poured out on me during this considerable period of life; I saw this power of grace, merciful, saving, miracle-working, healing, comforting, strengthening, not only on myself, but also on many, many other believers, clearly, wonderfully. Yes, brethren, if it is necessary to boast, then I will boast only in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may also dwell in me, which has been gloriously glorified in me throughout the past time of my priesthood [2 Cor. 12:5,9]. I know this better than anyone, as a direct spectator of the wonderful, saving actions in me. My memorial books testify to this. The darkness of those 2 temptations was raised upon me by my old man and my primordial enemy, who wields them, but also the darkness of those, countless forces, the grace of God revealed in me, inciting me to [deep repentance], tenderness, tears; she protected, delivered me from the machinations of the enemy, encouraged, cleansed, sanctified, consoled, strengthened, restored, renewed. If I still stand, I stand by grace. Everything good in me was created by grace, only my weaknesses and sins, and also my efforts, strivings for repentance, for deliverance, for purification, for sanctification, for renewal. But who wants to be in a state of guilt, in a state of conscience, in a state of darkness and sinful death? Darkness, darkness (church glory) - ten thousand; the darkness of topics is countless.