Январь 1882 г.

I thank the Lord, who, by His ineffable mercy, granted me victory over my invisible enemies, who fiercely tormented me after the Sacrament of Baptism in the sixth wing: the work had to be done quickly (because they were ringing for the all-night vigil), but the font was taken small, there was little water in it, I had difficulty immersing the child and bruised him, he screamed in good obscenities, I was embarrassed, I couldn’t finish reading the prayers could and did receive an extremely strong, fatal ulcer in the soul; we finished, we drove off, and the enemies were terribly pressing me, I repented, begged the Lord for mercy, and He extended a hand of help and salvation: I felt in my soul the life-giving hand of God for myself and calmed down; During the all-night vigil I intensified my prayer, and the Lord added His mercy to me; I behaved well throughout the service, calmly, reverently, without stumbling, I even read the Gospel almost to the word (I did not say: and they will hear my voice [John 10:16]), but I stole my release, fearing people (a terrible thing!) or, rather, the charms of demons. The officer served under Katkov very well, sincerely, bravely, and under Titkov too; the voice is magnificent. How sweet it is to sing to the Lord! How sweet is His salvation, His peace, His deliverance! At home, the Lord saved me through intense prayer from fornication. Glory to the Lord for this! The sting of the adversary was extremely violent, fascinating, subtle, caustic, and murderous; as soon as he was freed from it, he was healed and cleansed by the grace of God. Anna has Alex. Lebedeva's first all-night vigil was among others. Served decently; there is not enough air in her apartment. This day, starting from early morning, is full of God’s mercies for me. I suffered many grave temptations and punctuations, insults from the spirits of malice and wickedness, starting with a prayer service at the Leontyevs (near the house of brothel), then in the Assumption Church before mass, during mass, after it ended (I stole my release from false fear), during the prayer service and after it. From the Leontyevs I went in sorrow to the church, to the cathedral, to heal myself at the throne of glory, and I was healed, freed from mortal melancholy. In the Assumption Church, he fell into anger at the sexton for heating the stole and belt with his hands; After repentance and falling to the throne, the Lord had mercy and healed me, and I rejoiced. I endured a lot of oppression and intrigues from enemies in the Duma Church during mass, I shrank a lot, and finally the Lord delivered me from everyone and made me worthy to perform the Liturgy without stumbling, and to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, and during the prayer service to read the entire Gospel and the entire prayer of gratitude, supplication and dismissal. At a prayer service with Afanasy Gavrilov and Nikolai Viktorovich Petrov, teachers [...] because of the precious cross, I suffered a grave temptation from hell (I was afraid of the incense smoke so that the cross would not smoke), unbearable cramped conditions, shame, but after that I came to the cathedral, venerated the Holy Altar in repentance, calling wholeheartedly with great faith on the name of the Lord, and was healed. And after the prayer service at Athanasius Gavrilova went home to pray in repentance and was healed after prayer in his prayer room. Glory to the Lord for all His mercies! The Bubnovs served a prayer service solemnly, calmly, victoriously, effectively, captivatingly, Divinely. I sinned: I grumbled against the Lord Himself that there are many beggars in Kronstadt, that whom I did not give birth to, I must feed and clothe and provide for everyone every day, that they follow me at every step, wait for me everywhere, shake from the cold; and yet the Lord wants to save me through alms, through many alms, in order to be more rewarded if I do mercy faithfully. And doesn't the Lord send it to me? Do I need anything? I thank the Lord, who delivered me from severe cramped conditions and demonic pressure, once regarding self-interest in Leontyeva’s house at a prayer service, and another regarding the abbot’s evasion of the march to the Jordan on January 6th. The Lord accepted my repentance and falling before the Holy Throne with faith and had mercy on me. Evening. I thank the Lord, who usually showed His strength and mercy in me during Matins in delivering me from the poisonous, deadly sting of the serpent (regarding the abbot’s alleged evasion of the procession to the Jordan) - anger towards the abbot and in granting me peace and freedom of spirit while reading and singing the canon and stichera. I thank the Lord for help during the service of the early liturgy and for deliverance from the cramped conditions and oppressions of ethereal enemies, for deliverance from the confusion and crampedness that befell me while saying prayers before the communion of the two maidens Evdokia, and for the cheerful saying of dismissal, for deliverance from the confusion and crampedness that befell me for concealing the dismissal for the sake of human fear (Deacon Poletaev) at Burachok’s funeral service about the holy elder Seraphim (Sarov) and Xenia. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from despondency, sorrow, cramped conditions, cowardice over reading the feuilleton of the Kronstadt Messenger, in which some officer Deiter laughed at me, calling me the patriarch and boss of the Kronstadt ragged philistines, drunkards, in his words. This mockery resonated with me extremely heavily, but, turning to God in my sorrow, I received from Him the grace to despise both the glory and the ridicule of worldly people - unbelievers or, although believers, but not living by faith, and when the devil stunned me a second time with the same despondency before going to a prayer service to Simansky, I again, with great faith in the Lord the Redeemer, prayed for deliverance - and again received wonderful, tangible deliverance from cramped conditions and great joy and space, and served the prayer service and litiya very well. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in Ilyichev’s apartment before the prayer service, when my enemies overwhelmed me with voluptuousness at the sight of a girl’s beauty; I prayed for deliverance, remembering the imperishable beauty of the Lord, and was saved, and served the prayer service very well. After the prayer service, the enemy stammered in the same way, and again after secret prayer the Lord delivered. You work miracles in me every day, Lord, Your salvation. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. Phew, how terribly I was tempted by anger and rage against the beggars through the trickery and zeal of the devil: I pushed one annoying, beggar girl hard in the driveway of Karpov’s house, and she fell, kicked another big guy in the ass, and he left with shame, and I mortally wounded my own heart, embarrassed, embarrassed and, having come to the litany for babies at the innkeeper Kolkin, became violently pray and repent, and, O most merciful Lord, You heard the cries of my heart and had mercy on me, giving me peace and health of soul, freedom, space and boldness, and I served the lithium kindly, sincerely; Only in the end did the girl’s beauty confuse me, or the devil, through looking at the girl’s beauty, killed my soul and deprived me of words; again repentance and again mercy. Upon leaving the litiya on Posadskaya Street, a beggar boy, dissatisfied with the food, began to persistently ask for an increase, saying: “What is this? Is it a lot? Give me more,” and I was furious with him and grabbed him by the hair and pulled out a lock of hair from the back of his head! Oh, cruelty! Oh, robbery! But for this I killed myself morally, having lost the grace of God, falling into hellish oppression, sorrow, and torment. I walked along the road and repented in the crampedness of my soul with all faith, hope, strength, begging in every possible way the inscrutable goodness of God to have mercy on me, to change my heart, to revive it, to destroy death in it; came home and prostrated himself before God in repentance, beseeching Him with all the power of faith, and - oh, glorious miracle! The Lord forgave and revived me, tore apart the bonds of hell, truly hell, and resurrected me, a stinking dead man! How can I glorify, evil one, the greatest mercy towards me? (I did not remember Deuter, the son of the evil one, kindly, for he upset me in the morning and armed me against the beggars with his feuilleton article. God will judge him for his pride.) I thank the Lord for the goodness of the early Matins and Mass with the requiem service, accomplished through His grace-filled help, and for the victory over the invisible enemies who fiercely tempted me; I thank you for the short teaching given by the Lord, which I compiled at three o’clock in the morning. During the service my voice was loud and clear – and for this, thank God! I was subjected to a strong temptation from my greed and invisible enemies when, having been called to the sick merchant Piminov, I found Father Paul with him, reading parting prayers for confession and communion for the sick man, and I was upset that he had forestalled me and taken away my income; My heart ached, but I soon repented of my madness and my greed for self-interest, and not for the glory of God and the salvation of human souls. And after communion of the Holy Mysteries, what good did I not receive from the Lord? I had Him Himself, the Life-Giver, within me, who so miraculously revived me, pacified me, eternal life in Himself and gave me Himself, Him, the source of all good things, Him, my inexhaustible food, inexhaustible drink, inexhaustible wealth forever, a beautiful robe, light, incorruptible, kindness and beauty ineffable, sweetness unspeakable, strength omnipotent, self-existent wisdom, eternal power, superior to all earthly and heavenly power. I thought this way - and I calmed down, was moved, gave up my stupid zeal and desire for profit, for self-interest, my hostility towards the abbot who was innocent in this case, and honored the entire brotherhood in Christ, for we are all members of each other and members of Christ and brethren in Christ God. Just as the kernel of a nut is clothed by nature with a hard shell to protect it from damage and worms, so our heart must be clothed by Christ, like a hard shell, to protect it from spiritual worms (sins, passions, nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts and harmful lusts) or, like copper armor, to repel the arrows of the enemy and be invulnerable from them. Lord Jesus Christ, I thank You for Your repeated deliverance from my sins in church and in houses: at the funeral service at Maksimov’s and at the prayer service in Golubev’s house at Feoktist and Paraskeva’s and at Anna Gerasimovna’s, after I became angry with the latter for her deposit to the landlord in Machigin’s house. Innumerable is Your salvation, Your mercy, Your long-suffering, my Lord, Lord! Evening. This day is full of miracles of God’s mercy towards me, a sinner, great, life-giving miracles: firstly, before the great blessing of water and during the blessing of water, then at the memorial services for Sergei Palyanov and Piminov, thirdly, upon coming home from the memorial service for Piminov, when the Lord twice delivered me through the prayer of repentance from embitterment and terrible torment (for the poor I angry); in the latter case, I walked around the yard and deeply and strongly repented, repented for a long time, extremely oppressed by the evil of the devil, finally strong faith and hope with strong repentance bowed the goodness of God to have mercy on me, the damned, and I felt with joy in my soul the mercy of God in me. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! Write a letter to General Nadezhda Nikolaevna Nikolaeva soon. Write about the air. The enemy sometimes confuses me during communion with the taste of wine (which is not good) and extremely offends me, but then by repentance from doubt and cowardice and restored in the depths of my heart by a firm faith in the immutability of the Sacrament, I am completely pacified by the grace of God. Glory to the truth of God, which endures forever. We must fulfill all righteousness [Matthew 3:15]. Two o'clock in the morning. January 6, 82. The temptation for fornication occurred in a dream from eating dinner, albeit a light one, from drinking wine at night and from a very warm blanket at night due to the cold. Cleanse, O Lord, by Thy mercy. May Your infinite shrine overcome and cleanse, wash away the devilish uncleanness in me. Oh, all-destructive, all-corrupting, all-defiling charm! How we must beware of everything that contributes to sin, paving a convenient path for sin. Everyone who strives will abstain from everyone else, so that he may receive an incorruptible crown [1 Cor. 9:25]. On the great and all-saving feast of Epiphany, the adversary the devil mocked me in a dream - he mocked me over the great, holy, wonderful gift and ability to bear children, over the holy, life-bearing, sweet fruits of childbirth, over the holy, unblemished door of birth, for everything was holy created by God, all members were created purposefully, and not for vain and passionate dreams, not for passion, not for corruption, not for desecration, not for alienation from God and combination with the enemy of God. God! Have mercy on us and take away the charm from our pleasures. I thank the Lord, who showed me miraculous help during Matins and early mass: while saying the prayer to Christ, the Light during mass after the dismissal of the liturgy and at the funeral service for concealing words, the enemy fiercely tormented me, but the Lord delivered. At the funeral service at Sergius Palyanov, at the end I became embittered at the sexton for speaking loudly, and the enemy tormented me greatly until I came to the cathedral and venerated the Holy Altar with faith and repentance, and the Lord had mercy. I shivered to the point of exhaustion from the demonic sting. Oh, how the enemy catches you! How he seeks to devour, to destroy! And what if it were not for the Lord, who graciously saves me with the power of His power! I would soon perish, I would become terrible food and trash for the enemy! Morning. I thank the Lord for my threefold great salvation during and after Matins from the deadness and sickness of sin that resulted from the excessive consumption of wine by Y. K. Markov and as a result of fornication when leaving the church and blessing the young maidens. Returning to the altar, in repentance, with a prayer for salvation, I venerated the holy throne, and the Lord had mercy on me, cleansing and reviving me, pacifying me. Glory to God the Savior, who protects me and keeps me from corruption. Great art thou, O Lord, and wonderful are all thy works 115. Today I sweetly praised the Lord who was baptized and the Forerunner who baptized! The grace of God flowed from my lips freely, sincerely, spaciously, joyfully, boldly, solemnly. Glory to the Lord my God! Friday. I thank and extol the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest temptations and spiritual troubles yesterday during the cathedral liturgy (funeral service for Palyan’s son), when I was extremely weak from great labors and little sleep, and sleep mortally overpowered me during the service, so that I almost left and did not lie down; I only bowed often, standing at the throne, so as not to fall asleep (terrible languor!), but when the Lord vouchsafed me to partake of the Holy Mysteries, then I suddenly became miraculously encouraged. Divine life penetrated me, and I went out to the funeral service with a triumphant face; I sang well, heartily and said exclamations, only when reading the prayer of permission I became confused and confused by the action of the enemy and missed a lot from the middle of the prayer, through which the enemy killed me, depriving me of grace and peace, but I fell heartily in repentance to the holy throne of God and again got rid of death and was healed in soul. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the wiles of the demons through prayer in the Pimenovs’ apartment before the funeral service (Philip Stepanov and his family), then in the apartment of Ksenia Grigorievna and Andrei Petrovich at the prayer service, then in the hospital at Kamenetsky before the prayer service - oh, what a great deliverance! Then, upon arriving at the church house after dealing with the beggars, I was again mortally struck in the heart and after prolonged repentance on the way - oh, the abyss of God’s mercy! - again I received from my God life and peace, freedom and boldness! Glory to the Lord for everything, who punishes me fatherly and has mercy on me in a sovereign way! After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during Matins from my sins (hard-heartedness, unmercifulness and carnality), which killed my soul, and who gave me space, instead of confusion, space, instead of confusion. I thank the Lord, who delivered me another time from partiality and the carnal voluptuous movement of the heart and who implanted His Divine love for repentance and unfeigned desire, which there is nothing more reasonable, dearer, more life-giving, sweeter. Morning. After early mass with matins. You have surprised, O Lord, and this day Your mercy is upon me, as yesterday. During Matins, You had mercy and miraculously revived me, who repented of my anger towards Your servant Paraskeva Kovrigina, who demanded communion and preliminary confession. Then, during the mass at the beginning, as well as later, You again revived me, dead by my sins - gluttony and voluptuousness (at Piminova’s funeral I ate a quick soup, prepared on the initiative of Philip Stepanov, and generally enjoyed the gastronomically, damned, for this I increased my extreme inner voluptuousness, so that even looking at sick women, I am embarrassed). During communion, I was inwardly indignant at the sexton and felt embittered towards him for not singing the funeral sacrament, but began to read the canon for communion (for Kovrigina), although I spoke clearly; but by the grace of Christ, which enlightened the eyes of my heart and softened my heart, I overcame anger and took communion calmly. I read the pulpit and dismissal with great boldness, in full. But after the dismissal at the second funeral service, which was concealed and not spoken in full due to embarrassment and fear usually brought on by the devil, I lost grace, peace and boldness, fell under the power of the devil, who unbearably stung, oppressed, killed me, plunged me into shame and disgrace, into anger at everyone who approached the blessing, and at Kovrigina, and barely I was delivered from torment through repentance through the mercy of God in the communion (consumption) of the Holy Mysteries. But what wondrous heavenly grace from communion of the Holy Mysteries! What an update! What a heavenly world! What lightness and sweetness! What is worldly life after this? What is the enjoyment of food and drink? Are earthly consolations vain? What are all the sweets of earth? What is the corruptible beauty of the earth? What is the glory of earth? What is earthly wealth? That ranks and distinctions are human, and not God’s? What are luxury chambers? What are scepters, thrones, crowns, majestic earthly ceremonies, celebrations, spectacles, all kinds of entertainment? - Nothing in comparison with the pleasure, grandeur, solemnity, Divine richness of the liturgy, the richness of the cleansing of sins, sanctification, peace, sweetness, lightness, deification, immortality, truth, holiness! Glory to the greatness, the heavenly beauty, the sweetness, the richness of the liturgy. In it, the Lord truly poured out to us all the greatness of His goodness, love, wisdom, truth and mercy, His Divinity and deification of us, the unworthy, the corrupt, the filthy, the lost! Yesterday, during and after the cathedral liturgy, how the Lord miraculously revived me after a difficult struggle with opposing forces before communion (tears of repentance and tenderness when uttering the words: Accept... Drink... and invoking the Holy Spirit)! What a new, easy, free, peaceful life I received by the grace of Christ when I received Holy Communion! And while I was at the funeral service and overcame the nasty evil forces that were confusing me, how I was at peace, having overcome the hordes of demons! What an incomparable life after non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries! What an update! Who will proclaim the mighty powers of the Lord [Ps.105:2]! Yesterday evening, Anna Gerasimovna served a prayer service and, by the grace of Christ, overcame his passions (anger, impatience, suspicion) and calmed down, served the prayer service well. Glory to the Lord for everything! The Kingdom of God is within you [Luke 17:21]. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near [Matthew 4:17]. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age [Matthew 28:20]. Or do you not know... that Jesus Christ is in you? [ 2 Corinthians 13:5 ]. Evening. Four o'clock. I thank You, Lord, for You have performed in me a miracle of mercy and Your salvation from the hellish oppression, sorrow and shame that befell me just before the fifth lesson (in the third grade) in the student’s assembly room for the fact that I said a seductive word about a former student of the gymnasium, then a university student Palyanov, who had just died, to the teacher Semyon Ivanovich Nikolaev. Oh, how hard it was for me in class! And I resorted to secret, deep repentance and prayer to the Lord, and He soon surprised me with His great mercy and omnipotent power and delivered me from spiritual distress and death. And I praise Him for saving Him. Oh, how heavenly, holy, Divine, divine, omnipotent, omnipotent is the liturgy! In it, the Lamb of God Himself intercedes for everyone, the only Mediator of God and men, the man Christ Jesus [1 Timothy 2:5]; by His grace, the Mother of God and all the saints intercede for us, whom we gratefully and reverently remember there several times; in the liturgy heaven, earth and hell are united. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for His help yesterday during the service of Vespers and the All-Night Vigil, for deliverance from the snares of the enemy and the gift of tenderness, for the unstumbling reading of the Gospel and for deliverance from the poisonous sting of the serpent after the great dismissal, then during the prayer service from evil stubbornness and reluctance of the heart to serve a prayer service; I went several times to the altar to fall before the holy throne with a prayer for a change of heart, and the Lord changed: I served without stumbling and willingly, humbly. Then the Lord at home accepted my repentance for the offense of the beggars, at whom I shouted, calling them a hungry army and loudly sending them to the governor, the police chief and the Duma. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me, which He surprised on me for the sake of His superior goodness and for the sake of my diligent deep repentance with undoubted faith and firm hope. The Lord has now delivered me from the fierce sorrow and distress that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards the poor, for my meager alms and for being upset with them and for sending them to the authorities and rich people. I repented strongly, walking around the church yard after Matins, and the Lord mercifully accepted my repentance. And during Matins, the Lord delivered me more than once from the wiles of invisible enemies who oppressed my heart. I thank the Lord for His mercy yesterday and help during the service of prayers before mass in Osipova’s house, at the Commercial Club and at Stefanida the Merciful during the service of the late Sunday liturgy, for the communion of the life-giving Mysteries, for the relief in reading the pulpit, for the teaching He gave me in the morning at two o’clock, and for deliverance from the hellish tightness before and during the consumption of the Holy Gifts. One thought during communion, that I had taken thirty kopecks from a mug to pay extra for church wine, embarrassed me and gave a place in my heart to Belial, who greatly embarrassed and hurt me after communion. Oh, how subtly he fights against me! Before evening. God! How great Your mercies were to me today - I cannot express it, they are so great and life-giving! At the beginning of the Liturgy, You delivered me, Master, through the prayer of repentance from the greatest mortal distress, then after the great entrance, and in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was honored with such deliverance, such peace, boldness, such Divine life and strength, joy that I was, as it were, a kind of god in deification, inner greatness, in the power of the world, in the breadth of my soul; At the end of the second requiem, the enemy began to stumble, but while consuming the Holy Gifts, by the grace of God he overcame him. I condemn myself for the fact that after the prayer service with the Nikonovs (Dmitry Nikolaevich and Maria Vladimirovna), I greedily ate a fish pie and ate a lot, thereby depriving myself of lightness, peace, clarity, purity, subtlety of heart, strength, and boldness. O delight of food! How much harm you do to spiritual life! Oh, our greed and greed! Evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy during Vespers and gave me great and speedy deliverance from the machinations of the enemy and the greatest boldness in service, then who delivered me from waywardness and stubbornness, reluctance, resistance to serve the farewell prayer service to officer Nikolai Timofeevich and Evdokia Gavrilovna Alexandrov and who changed my heart from being reluctant to voluntary. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I extol the mercy and benevolence of my Lord, who accepted my secret repentant prayer for the cleansing of the impurity of the voluptuousness of my prodigal heart twice: first, at six o’clock in the evening, and secondly, now, at ten and a half o’clock. How sweet, how peaceful, how life-giving is the remembrance of God, the erasing of my sins, renewal, [or] revival, deification! And even later, the Lord granted a new cleansing! People, chasing after carnal pleasures, do not seem to want to know that these pleasures desecrate in them and in other people whom they involve in the participation of carnal pleasures, the image of God, that they swear at the wonderful, majestic, beautiful, holy creation of God, what is the essence of man, his soul and body, that they swear not only at all humanity living on earth and having the same nature as them, but also at the holy saints God's, who moved to the Heavenly Fatherland and had the same nature as us, although purified and sanctified by the Holy Spirit. Oh, how great, how grave, how disastrous are the consequences of sin! How absurd sin is, impudent, insane, charming, charming, destructive! From yesterday’s damp air in Olga Afanasyevna’s apartment or from drinking a significant amount of sherry during Matins and the second early mass, I experienced such a terrible temptation and overpowering from enemies, such wounding and strangulation that I don’t know how I served the Divine service, especially early mass: I was angry with the watchman Procopius in the most acute way, although secretly (unjustly, as I found out later), so that I could hardly to suppress grief before and during the celebration of the Sacrament of the Body and Blood of Christ, - however, he defeated the incorporeal by the grace of Christ, to which he appealed earnestly, and received communion without condemnation. After mass, he expressed his displeasure to Procopius. In the afternoon at twelve o'clock at a prayer service with Mr. Koshunyaev (Mikhail Ivanovich) in Krasnaya Street in Sidorov's house, there was again a terrible temptation regarding the precious pectoral cross: I was afraid that I would smoke from the censer! Oh, stupidity! Oh madness! Oh, vanity and vanity! He lost the grace of God, peace, freedom, light, reason, fell into confusion, oppression, shame; the whole prayer service is in confusion and shame! Then I went to the gymnasium and prayed, repented strongly, and the Lord sent miraculous help in the gymnasium itself, in the hallway, where I continued to pray - the Lord performed a great miracle in me, saving me from hellish torment. During Vespers there was a new terrible temptation, embarrassment, fear, powerlessness of the heart to cope with itself, so that I could not say the great and petitionary litany and spoiled the whole Vespers. Again a prayer of repentance - and again mercy! Glory to the Lord! Guilty without guilt. I sometimes find myself in such an irritable, suspicious, suspicious state that I hate, despise, get irritated with them, consider them my enemies, I myself worry, torment, suffer in my soul, until I recognize my charm and I will not repent of my untruth and will not reconcile in my soul with those I suspect, having acquitted them and accused myself. I sinned gravely before the Lord by grumbling against Him for the extremely large number of beggars, whom I often have to provide with annoyance and grief every day (about three hundred people), and that society does not care about them at all. But have I become poor in my daily giving of alms? No, for the Lord has always sent me their share. Of course, I will continue to send them in the future, but I have little faith and cowardice, I am proud, selfish, unloving of God, and impatient. Have mercy on me and strengthen me, O Lord, all-merciful, all-generous, all-powerful, all-righteous, who provides for everyone. Has the hand of the Lord failed? [Numbers 11:23]. During Vespers, he was very upset and angry with the altar guard Procopius for staining the (new) cloth with wooden oil and could not serve, pronounce the petitions of the great, petitionary and special litanies, the reason for which was, in addition to grief, gluttony (two birthday girls today and yesterday had wine from their spiritual daughter Olga). Have mercy on me, Master! I also prepare every day for communion of the Holy Mysteries! Where is the abstinence? Where is the complete innocence? Meekness? Humility? Patience? Morning. I thank the Lord, who showed me His greatest immediate help during the service of Matins with deliverance from the deadly machinations of the enemy (because of the thought of an elegant, expensive silk scarf, the enemy strongly outraged me and killed me, and only through fervent prayer and sincere repentance did I get rid of death and spiritual dumbness). Then, while reading the canon, he embarrassed and stung me with pity for the lost books of the lives of saints, given to the students of the gymnasium; I got rid of the intrigues through prayer, although not completely. Upon arriving home, the Lord delivered me from the prodigal demon for repentance and fervent prayer. The temptation was through sight. The Liturgy of this day was for me, by the grace of God, a time of repeated triumph over my sins and weaknesses and the invisible enemies who greedily caught and wounded me; I received communion by the grace of God without condemnation, but when the grace of communion of the Holy Mysteries did not quite reach the depths of my soul and in this depth there was some room left for Belial, who did not allow perfect peace and boldness to be established in my heart, I fervently prayed to the Lord, may he penetrate into the depths of my soul and may he not give a place for the devil, and the Lord filled my entire soul! And what a triumph it was for me after that! How solemnly, freely, boldly, loudly I read the prayer behind the pulpit! As vacation said! Glory to the Lord! Having consumed the Holy Gifts, I was filled with all the fullness of God. But the enemy is cunning and subtle. When leaving the church and greeting the headman, he offended me with some thought, and again, with a prayer of repentance, I got rid of him upon arrival at the gymnasium. In the gymnasium I was in God and God was in me. I thank the Lord for His holy help to me during Vespers, for repeated deliverance from the poisonous remorse of Belial and peaceful service, also for deliverance from the poisonous remorse of those who have the power of death after Vespers and at home from the prodigal poison that struck the soul for the voluptuous view of the maiden. I sincerely prayed, repented, condemned myself - and was pardoned. Celebration of the Feast of Epiphany. During Matins and early mass, the first was a difficult struggle to death with demons and carnal passions because of yesterday’s affection towards me and my mutual affection towards a young woman, my spiritual daughter. Yes, I will not allow myself to communicate particularly affectionately with women, especially young ones. Thanks to the indescribable mercy, quick obedience and benevolence of God, passions and unclean spirits were defeated, but what effort did it cost? How long was the struggle until there was almost bloody sweat? When eating the Lamb, the enemy outraged me with a trifle: the emptiness of the Lamb ([not grated] prosphora), its extreme looseness, and this was worth a great struggle, so as not to rely on bread, not to look at thickness, but at the Lamb Himself under the image of this bread, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world. Man cannot live by bread alone [Matthew 4:4]. Today's morning was for me a day of extremely, deadly acute temptations due, on the one hand, to yesterday's satiation of pies (salmon, sprat extremely salty) and the smell of leather from the tanner Kuznetsov, on the other hand, a minor cold, and also a clogged stomach; suspiciousness and irritability reached extreme limits, I became angry with the sexton for no reason based on one unfounded and stupid suspicion (a blow from my fist to the forehead while reading the canon); the larynx was clogged, he coughed constantly; I prayed and repented with tears for deliverance from the temptation of the ethereal enemies who had mercilessly tormented me in my heart, and with barely tears I begged the Lord, who was angry with my sins. During mass there are also extremely severe temptations, cramped conditions, sorrow, despondency, humiliation and loss of spirit, and being driven away from evil spirits. How many tears, bowing down to the throne, and prayers did it cost me to at least somewhat free myself from the demonic pressure! After the special litany, I could not read the prayers for the king, and halfway through I finished from demonic violence! After communion, he became revived, but while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, he again allowed himself to be overcome by the spirit of cowardice and fear, humiliation and shame, and could not finish it properly, but missed many words; release was stolen from internal demonic oppression, and then again new pressure, oppression, death, almost despair from the incessant malice of the devil; through faith, repentance, secret prayer, and firm hope, he broke the bodiless enemies by the grace of Christ and came out to the people as a victor in Christ, triumphant over the hordes of demons; then he served requiem services peacefully, majestically (two requiem services [...] for Telmyakova). I consumed the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving, renewing way. God bless! The left (healthy) ear is somewhat achy. Heal, Lord! Morning. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from voluptuous thoughts, feelings and inclinations that fatally carried me away after I only looked at the girl sitting on her haunches and cleaning the dishes (before Matins), and who gave me sound spiritual wisdom, which destroyed all the charm of prodigal grace. I thank the Lord most of all [for deliverance] from the terrible, all-sinking violence of demons during Matins and Mass, especially during the communion of spiritual sisters (the enemy tempted the Lamb through the airiness, extreme looseness; indignation at the prosphora bowl - oh, greed!). Do I demand weight and thickness from the Lamb? Demand this from simple bread, not from the Body of Christ! Where is the faith in the Lamb of God? The words that I speak to you are spirit and life [John 6:63]. Because of such evil, deadening, darkening, oppressing, disgracing wisdom of the flesh, I could not utter prayers before communion: I believe, O Lord, and I confess... Thy Supper... Let it not be for judgment or condemnation... The enemies overpowered me, stole faith, peace, silence, freedom, boldness, the truth of God from my heart, hope and love. With my passionate life I have insulted the most heavenly, life-giving Mystery, the Mystery of spirit and life, the Mystery of immortality, truth and holiness. After mass, I struggled for a long time with this temptation, and by the grace of God, through deep repentance and prayer, I won through the grace of the Holy Mysteries, which completely revived me. The reason for my mental weakness, passion, strong devilish temptations, fear, fear, the deadening of the enemy is gluttony and wine, sweets: they weakened me, through them the enemy brazenly drags me away. And now (twelve o'clock in the afternoon) the enemies lured me into lust through sweet tea, black bread and a roll with butter, and easily, like butter, they carried me away. When will I take up active philosophy: abstinence, fasting, unceasing contemplation of God? I bless the active wise men - the holy martyrs and before them the apostles, the saints, after them the saints, the unmercenaries - they worked wisely, patiently, constantly, unremittingly, and for this they rejoice forever, they live in God. I thank the Lord, who has now solemnly delivered me from the violence of the passion of fornication. Evening. I thank the Lord for his infinite goodness and mercy towards me, a sinner, and for His strong power in me, revealed at five and three quarters of the evening, when I came to the cathedral before the all-night vigil in great sorrow and mortal crampedness and melancholy after an unsuccessful prayer service at Ant. Vasilyevich and Maria Terentyevna, who served with grief at Father Alexander Taratin, who was stealing fraternal income from glorifying Christ on holidays for his own benefit. (On Epiphany I delivered only fifty-eight rubles instead of seventy or seventy-five rubles.) I repented of my reckless grief, which cannot correct my brother and will not return what was stolen; He said to himself: Do not be jealous of those who are wicked; do not be jealous of those who do iniquity [Ps. 37:1]. I condemned myself in enmity, envy, covetousness, greed for money and for food, drink, carnal sweets, and the all-covering mercy of God revived me, dead in my sins, I felt in myself instead of hell, heaven and paradise. God bless! Resurrection. At twelve and three-quarters of an hour I was subjected to an extremely acute, deadly temptation through the slander of the sexton Bystryakov and the devil against Brother Alexander, the cathedral priest, who greatly steals the fraternal incomes, especially the famous ones (I allegedly collected fifty-eight rubles on Epiphany along Gospodskaya Street in two days). I was deprived of peace, love, I was completely subjected to extreme confusion, malice, rage, anger, envy, grumbling, money-loving greed, despondency, cowardice, suffering, self-loss, I was completely darkened, I lost all self-control, nobility, moderation, meekness, calmness, good judgment, gentleness and gentleness of disposition; Apparently, a whole legion of evil spirits reigned in me - it was so hard and joyless for me! I left the Lord, carried away by self-interest, enmity, suspicion, and the Lord left me! I thank the Lord, who solemnly delivered me during Matins, during the Six Psalms, from the greatest sorrow and oppression and who gave me the grace to read and sing the stichera and canons with zeal and great joy; thank you for your clear, loud, light voice; thank you for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. The wine was very bad, sour. (The rector drinks the best wine at home, but allows the worst in church for the Sacrament - is that okay?) From one to nine in the evening I was in mortal, acute temptation due to self-interest and misconception about Father Alexander, who was supposedly hiding a lot of famous money; How much I prayed in terrible cramped conditions, sorrow, mental suffering, anxiety, embarrassment, acute inflammation of soul and body - and for a long time I could not get rid of it; Only before the Sacrament of Baptism was performed (in Tsepov’s house on the tower on Bear Street and at Abramov’s) the Lord performed a miracle of mercy in me, delivering me from cramped conditions and sorrow, raising my soul as if from the dead after kneeling in secret prayer before the image of the Savior and granting me to calmly and graciously perform Baptism. At ten o'clock in the evening I deliberately went to Father Alexander to talk about the famous money, and it turned out that he provided not fifty-nine, but sixty-nine rubles from the cross; I calmed down, the matter was settled, I reconciled with Father Alexander. So, the devil slandered Father Alexander through the sexton Arseny and the sexton Mikhail Bystryakov and tormented me for no reason (for my passion for gain, for my lack of faith, for not trusting in the Lord and trusting in money: so trust the people, the watchmen: first find out the matter yourself). Have mercy, Lord! (In cramped conditions and sorrow and annoyance, last night he tore out a poor townsman by the hair and threw him to the ground with both hands, then he repented in Tsepov’s house on the tower; the Lord performed a miracle of mercy on me.) I thank and exalt the Lord, who today by His grace made it possible for me to perform the unfailingly early Liturgy in the cathedral and to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and to defeat with them the temptations of disembodied enemies. I thank the Lord, who graciously had mercy on me many times when I cried out to Him for mercy after sinful tendencies, especially voluptuous ones, which occurred after mass at home. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me and delivered me from the crowded time during Vespers (regarding Father Alexander’s suspicion of concealing church income). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from severe distress at seven o’clock in the evening, when I prayed to the Lord secretly about this, and who gave me peace, boldness, lightness, clarity, light, strength. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards two beggars who pursued me along the road, and who granted me simplicity, peace and tranquility. Do you want some sweets? The source of all sweetness is in God: He is true, incorruptible, undefiled, pure, incorruptible, eternal sweetness. Are you hungry and thirsty for food and drink? He is incorruptible, true, eternally vital, strengthening, cheerful food and sober, cheerful drink. Do you want wealth? He is inexhaustible, imperishable wealth, and he who has acquired God is a true, eternal rich man. What is better than the riches of deification, what earthly riches? Do you want dignity and exaltation? Again, true dignity, greatness is in God, who created us in His image and likeness. Are you looking for spiritual peace? He is our peace [Eph.2:14]. Strength? He is our strength, almighty strength. Are you looking for love and reciprocity? He is eternal, imperishable, all-blessed Love, and He loves those who love Him with the strongest, eternal, sweetest, richest love, never falling away. Are you looking for light, spiritual fire, enlightening and igniting the soul? God is an unapproachable light, He is a fire that consumes all the impurity of sin, and a life-giving fire, enlightening, cleansing, sanctifying, igniting hearts with eternal, all-blessed love - in a word, God is everything to our souls, and earthly blessings are corruptible, deceptive, transitory, like a dream, smoke, steam. Seek first of all the Kingdom of God within yourself and His righteousness, and all earthly blessings will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]; Let there be peace in your soul, brotherly, sincere, unhypocritical, all-bearing, all-covering love, meekness, humility, peacefulness, patience, mercy, sincere goodwill, purity and chastity, fidelity, honesty, respect for everyone, readiness to serve everyone with the gifts and abilities that God has given you, and the official position in which you find yourself. Chase money least of all, or, better yet, don’t think about it at all and don’t be slyly jealous of those who enrich themselves through concealment, theft, embezzlement, deception, extortion, for this is the death of the soul and body of those who enrich themselves in this way; trust in God alone: ​​He is your wealth, He is your generous Provider and He will fulfill what He promised. And your fortune as a priest, and a respected one at that, is secure: you depend not so much on the labors and earnings of your brothers, but on your own labors, with which you enrich your brethren. This is a gift from God to you - through your official labors you can provide for your bodily life, the bodily contentment of yourself and others. Thank God and work in prayers and praises of God, in performing the Sacraments, in serving the spiritual needs of your neighbors, and leave the wicked among the brethren to reprove the All-Knowing and All-righteous Judge God. He will torment them with their conscience, just be faithful and honest and do not forget the poor. The Lord will soon reprove the unmerciful among the brethren, be patient - you will see what will happen to their unrighteous wealth, accumulated by greed and hard-heartedness, while there are so many needy, hungry, naked, unprotected people around and around. They swear and laugh at both the poor and those giving alms, but this will not last long: alms will triumph at the Judgment, if only it is godly and correct, without grumbling and vexation, without vanity, without pride and humiliation, not forced, forced, for God loves a cheerful giver [2 Cor. 9:7]. Remember how the demon tormented you, when you were upset because of the suspicion of your brother priest Alexander of hiding his famous and other lucrative money, what hell was in your soul. You have fallen away from love for God and your neighbor, everyone has become like an enemy to you and you have become embittered towards the poor. Oh, what a terrible, deadly poison the love of money is! Be content with what you have: Have a non-money-loving disposition, being content with what you have. For He Himself said: I will not leave you [Heb.13:5]. Always cultivate in yourself love for God and neighbor - this is the only thing you need. I thank the Lord for the speedy, generous, glorious deliverance from sinful oppression and death of my unworthiness during Matins on January 19th. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me through my prayer of repentance from the prodigal demon, who stung me greatly and killed my poor soul. What does the Lord require from a person praying? - A burning heart, undoubted faith, firm hope, a desire for us to seek shrines, truth, immortality, eternal blessings, and not just temporary ones. The Kingdom of Heaven has come near [Matthew 4:17]. The Kingdom of Heaven appears in the love of Christians for God and in mutual holy love and help, mercy, meekness, goodness, patience for Christian faith and piety. I thank the Lord for deliverance from acute temptation (suspicion, zeal and envy), given to me before Matins while walking through the church yard for tearful, deep repentance. In the church, the Eternal betroths to Himself eternal souls created in His image and likeness. The priest is the prayer book on behalf of everyone and for everyone. What a loving, sublime, dispassionate soul he must have, [after all, he is] the performer of great, heavenly, new-creating, life-giving and idolizing Sacraments, a shepherd and leader to Christian truth, virtue and perfection and to eternal life. I thank the Lord for yesterday’s repeated deliverance of me from the snares of the demons during Matins and at the beginning of early mass, and for the heavenly peace and wonderful bliss of my heart in God before the Cherubic Song. Then the wave of Belial came upon me and almost drowned me and killed me because of my addiction to beautiful, soft, thin, artistic decay (the silk scarf I received, which was lying in my chest of drawers at home); Only by faith, [good judgment] and tears of repentance and hope in God did I get rid of this deadly wave and performed the liturgy with tears of tenderness. He received communion without condemnation by the grace of God. At the funeral service, while saying the dismissal, he overcame his enemies with the grace of Christ and boldness in Christ (personality and the infatuation of the heart with carnal love). During Vespers, God’s salvation was again revealed to me. What's wrong with me? I definitely haven’t seen decent people. Today, captain of the first rank Bartashevich Andrei Al. A thanksgiving service was served and the litanies were spoken timidly, timidly, crumpled up and missing words, the Gospel was read timidly, vaguely and did not read everything (the girls were seduced, his daughter), I was all not myself, raped and killed by an evil demon; At Karpovitz’s memorial service and before the memorial service, it was terrible what happened to me: embarrassment and demonic fear completely overwhelmed me due to meeting people either completely unfamiliar, or barely familiar, or who were familiar, but did not show me any kindness or hospitality (selfish love, partial), for example, Morozov and his daughters. I need to strengthen my soul with prayer, fasting, and reading the word of God. Lord, help me, deliver me from the embarrassment and fear that comes to me from the devil, grant me purity of heart, unfeigned, selfless, peaceful love. I thank You, Lord, who heard my prayer before the funeral service and had mercy on me with great mercy and deliverance. The drowning man, save me, Lord, like Peter. I thank the Lord for the early liturgy perfected by His good grace and for the non-judgmental, life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries with victory over the enemies of salvation. I thank the Lord for delivering me during Matins from the mortal distress and sorrow that befell me for my hardness of heart and failure to give alms to the beggars who were chasing me. I sincerely repented of my sin, realized that the poor were in poverty, hungry, did not have clothes or shoes or even a place to sleep, and some wandered the streets all night, and I was touched by their misfortune, and my heart softened. After sleep at eleven o'clock in the afternoon I was subjected to terrible enemy agony, which mortally embarrassed, tormented and killed my poor soul because of the magnificent silk scarf that I first received at my christening; Only when I came to the cathedral and venerated the holy altar with sincere repentance and hope, I was granted forgiveness for the sin of addiction to beautiful decay, the destruction of the devil’s terrible mortal shackles in me, healing, peace, freedom, revitalization. And how glad I was to be freed, as it were, from the underworld! How I thanked the Lord! Karpovitz served the memorial service decently, but did not pronounce the litany clearly, and did not pronounce the dismissal, and almost directly proclaimed eternal memory. I thank the Lord for delivering me from new spiritual distress and death in the gymnasium in the Swiss room (common hallway). I was subjected to close quarters for my hard-heartedness and failure to give to the beggars who were chasing me, and for my grief and anger towards them. In sincere repentance, I begged the Most Merciful, and He had mercy and revived me, killed by my sins. Glory to the deliverer God! During prayer, and at all times, we must remember that our souls are completely open and naked, clearly visible to God, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God with all opposing thoughts, feelings, intentions, and therefore we must pray with all our hearts, with all our thoughts, with all sincerity, ardor, and simplicity of heart. We must also remember that we all, together with the Mother of God and the holy Angels, the holy saints, constitute one Church with the Head Christ, and we must revere God, the Angels and the saints, lead a pure life, in all piety, in mutual help and love for mankind. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who solemnly delivered me from the prodigal demon, who cruelly stung me with extremely strong incitement to sin. I fervently, persistently, relentlessly asked the Lord for deliverance, sincerely repenting of my gluttony, which was most of all the reason and reason for sin. Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you [Matthew 7:7]. I thank the Lord for providing for the poor and for sending three silver rubles from Ratch (yesterday) and for giving a ruble today from Ilyina. I thank the Lord for his extraordinary help during the celebration of the early liturgy (from Ilya). What blatant injustice in the distribution of labor and remuneration for labor! Almost I alone work in the parish - and I receive remuneration not for myself, but for all the members of the clergy, who, without doing almost anything, receive either more than me (the rector, who is stingy to the extreme), or equally with me, or somewhat less with folded hands. 25 February 82 It often and very often happens due to the action of the devil and my passion that when you need to calmly, sincerely, simply, sincerely, with all your strength, with all your thoughts, to pray for all people, for the king and for everyone in power, right there and for yourself, then you cannot do this, because the devil strikes the heart with coldness, paralysis of embarrassment, fear and fear of people (before whom a priest should always have a spirit of sovereignty, not servile, not fearful, always equal and firm), or various worldly addictions, for example, to the favorite objects of acquisition, voluptuousness, distinction and honor, advantages over others, or the passion of anger and bitterness, or extreme weakness, drowsiness, laziness, despondency or envy. How pitiful, accursed, poor, beggarly, naked, blind, insignificant you feel then and what a need for the supernatural grace of God, merciful, cleansing, pacifying, helping, strengthening, uplifting, lifting up from decline, fear, cowardice and timidity and placing a person above all dreamy demonic fears! The wicked flees when no one is pursuing him; but the righteous is bold as a lion [Proverbs 28:1]. Through the prayers of the holy apostles and martyr, whom you strengthened, Lord, to be strong and invincible from demons and men, Lord, have mercy, strengthen and save me. The devil presents every face, even a holy one, male and female, every object, every natural action, every creation of God, pure and unblemished, to the eyes of our hearts and bodies in a variety of charms, perverse, seductive and mocking, evil, voluptuous, disgusting, striking our spirit. Oh, how great and deadly is the charm of the enemy and who can escape it! Humility, abstinence, purity and chastity, unceasing prayer, teaching in the word of God, contemplation of God. All prayers, chants, church readings, all the sequences of church services for all people of all times have the inherent qualities of perfect truth, truth, suitability, usefulness, life-giving, enlightenment, touching. How many people they converted to God, made them sigh and cry over their sins, transformed them from sinners into saints! How many people have moved and are moving to wholehearted thanksgiving and glorification of the All-Creator, Provider and Savior God in the Trinity! How many they made imitators of the virtues of the holy saints of God! Everything churchly is sweetness, strength, life-giving truth. If you are angry with someone for some reason and don’t love him, hate him, turn away from him, then know that you are in the delusion of demons, and try to sincerely condemn yourself, and justify and love the person you hate, forgiving of his weaknesses, sins, for we are all weak, sinful, and there is no person without sin. I am perishing from gluttony and delicacy, I am, as it were, in the death throes, suffering from various demonic delights and fears, and still I continue to please this always hungry and never satiated demon of voluptuousness. Deliver me from this charm, Love for mankind! For several days in a row, I have been experiencing heavy, painful shooting in my head, periodically repeating; Yesterday (the 24th, Sunday) in the morning I was healthy and served mass healthy, but after mass, when my stomach was strengthened by drinking the Holy Gifts and wine, I had a painful, hellish shooting, which forced me to stay at home the whole day. After sleeping during the day it went away (by five o'clock in the evening). God bless. Today, by God's grace, I am healthy. He sinned: he grumbled against the Lord during the shooting, that God has abandoned His servant, does not listen to the cry of prayer, does not deliver from disaster, that it makes no difference whether to serve God diligently or not to serve at all, that the wicked prosper, but the pious are tormented and no one supposedly delivers. I sinned with impatience, cowardice, and murmuring; I love to accept the good, but I don’t want to endure the evil. I repent. I thank the Lord, who gave me health and a clear, loud voice during Matins while reading and singing the canon and stichera. A good thought, which God forbid, keep in mind and implement in due time. The spiritual children of our Orthodox Church are alienated in every possible way from their heavenly mother the Church: they sing secular songs in their homes with their voices and on instruments, read only secular books, play with cards and other games in their free time, but do not read spiritual books or the Gospel itself, do not know or sing sacred church songs, not knowing church music, although many know secular music very well; I am thinking of organizing a society of members of the brotherhood, which would take care to supply the laity at a cheap price with books of spiritual content and a repertoire of spiritual pieces or music books containing church songs in common use. Members must be both men and women. May God help you. And through this, home life and home customs would be given the character of Christian life, for the glory of God and for the salvation of Christian souls, and they would become more closely related to the Church and her spirit, as now many are alienated from it and many have become spiritually wild. I had a heavy, painful shooting in my head, as it turned out, before a strong blizzard (after two months without snow). This is my head's true barometer! And in the body, or organism, there was weakness, lethargy, disposition to sleep, physical fatigue, tiredness. I thank the Lord for preserving me during such a difficult period of time! I thank the Lord for serving the cathedral liturgy at the cemetery (Trinity Church) and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. (I believed, by the way, that my head shooting was due to the dirty tricks of evil demons. Yesterday it was terrible after mass.) I thank the Lord, who, after fervent, repeated prayers of repentance, delivered me from the terrible onslaught of lust in the morning from a charming look at a girl. How desirable was the Lord’s deliverance from this obsession! What peace! What freedom! What spiritual pleasure comes from victory over the delightful rapist - the devil! I thank the Lord for giving me victory! The Lord gave me new mercy and victory over sin, namely over insane malice, in the evening in the house of Murashova (Gerasim Murashov’s wife) in the apartment of Prokopiy Oleinikov, in which, beyond my expectations, I unexpectedly met Konstantin Kovrigin, who came without my knowledge or consent to the chosen circle; I was very upset about this. But, having prayed with everyone to the Lord: Lord, generous and merciful... 116 and other prayers, I was pardoned and completely healed. I thank the Lord, who, through my earnest prayer of repentance, delivered me from the fierce demonic gore after the temptation in Shebunina’s house (formerly Ilyina, Citadelnaya Street) through Paraskeva Kovrigina and my impatience, laziness in prayer and stubbornness, when they asked me to pray for the missing girl Natalya, and after giving a beggar in the courtyard of our house twenty kopecks with reluctance, compulsion, severity, stinginess, unlove and pride, for which I repented. I thank You, Lord, for you punish me unceasingly, so that I may repent unfeignedly, may I deeply recognize my sins and may I be justified by Your grace, merciful, cleansing, sanctifying, pacifying, renewing, reviving. Glory to Thy all-good, vigilant providence for me, O Lord my God, my unceasing, great and unspeakable mercy. Yesterday evening, while celebrating the Sacrament of Baptism at the gardener Sedelkin outside the city, I was subjected to a severe temptation from the evil spirits and from my addiction to decay: a rather beautiful and large scarf was hung behind the font, I thought it was silk, and I was seduced by it (as a beautiful face), and the enemy greatly embarrassed me, burned, and scorched, and pressed me like hell, darkened, disgraced, caused rebellion spiritual, extremely difficult to speak (I read with great difficulty and in the end I could not say prayers at all). I somehow finished the rite of Baptism, completely disgraced internally by the absurd defeat of my enemies. But when, after performing the Sacrament, I brought secret repentance to the Lord and a prayer for deliverance and mercy, the Lord granted me forgiveness, weakness, peace and great mercy, and I calmly talked. Glory to the Lord, invincible in mercy and conquering our invisible enemies and surpassing all our iniquities. I thank the Lord, who during Matins today showed me His great mercy and gave me the grace to glorify the Mother of God and St. John Chrysostom with great boldness, who delivered me from the oppression of sin in church and at home. Yesterday, while serving a prayer service at the battalion 117, Peter fell into great weakness and embarrassment due to his heart being wounded by the kindness - the beauty of his maiden daughter, and could not serve the prayer service properly, having lost his self-control. Oh Lord! Imperishable, eternal, original, imprecise, most holy Beauty and Goodness! Turn my eyes away from the corruptible beauty that disappears like smoke, like the flower of a fading beauty, and grant me to always gaze at Your wondrous beauty, manifested in all Your creatures, especially in rational creatures, which You created in Your image and likeness. Destroy, Lord, the dreams of my heart, planted in it by the devil, countless dreams that turn my eyes away from You, eternal truth and righteousness, wisdom, eternal life, eternal sweetness and beauty. Here on earth we joyfully celebrate the memory of the holy saints of God, so that there, in heaven, we will be worthy to hear the noise of those celebrating in the eternal house of God, so that they too will remember us and intercede for us before God. Calmly, cheerfully and courageously, look with sincerity at all those present in the house of God during the service, without taking to heart the mirage of the devil and his dreams and without being embarrassed by them, for all those present are in the image of God and children of the Heavenly Father and everyone has a common Redeemer and Deliverer from sin and the dominion of the devil. During worship, the priest must have an open, calm, firm, sovereign gaze, like the image of the Lord of all, the Lord Jesus Christ, like the shepherd of the verbal sheep, preferred over them with the greatest advantage, although surrounded by infirmities, like them. Nothing should darken the heart and gaze of a priest during divine services, like the angel of the Lord Almighty; he must cast all his sins into the abyss of God’s mercy in sincere consciousness and repentance. Ephraim has Leontes. Kazantsev, I served the all-night vigil with difficulty, until the grace of God took strength in me: in the end there was more strength and purity in my heart and I pronounced exclamations and prayers, litanies more calmly and firmly. Ugh! What darkness and charm of invisible enemies who prevent you from serving sincerely, calmly, firmly! God! Deliver me from their wiles by Your great mercy. Cleanse my heart from all sinful filth. Ten o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me from great sorrow and oppression and death of sin during Matins as a result of my secret repentance and heartfelt prayer to the Lord. (The thought revolved for several minutes around the abbot with his wealth: where, I think, does a person save so much money and why, given such a glaring need in the city, does he not give it to anyone?) I felt sorry for him and envied his wealth, although the Lord did not offend me either: I am abundantly pleased with everything - and I fell away from love, and fell into worldly confusion, and retreated from God. When grace triumphed in me and revived me, oh, with what joy, triumph, with what a spacious soul I read and sang the canons to the weekly and annual saints! Friday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who, by His great mercy, delivered me from the poisonous remorse of the devil (suspicion and anger towards the abbot) and from demonic malice and who gave me the grace of a peaceful spirit, a strong and pure voice to solemnly glorify in the canon the Lady Theotokos, the three saints and the holy martyr Ignatius the God-Bearer. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from secret gloating about getting rid of the danger that threatened Hierarch Isidore. I prayed in repentance and with tears for the destruction in me of this low feeling, testifying to dislike for the saint. What an unkind, depraved person I am! Instead of sympathizing and condoling with a person in need, I gloat in secret! Oh, how I must mourn the manifold and many-disastrous, damned sin that lives in me, desecrating and killing me, humiliating, shaming, darkening, corrupting! I thank the Lord, who delivered me twice from unclean and harmful inclinations through the prayer of repentance at four o’clock in the evening. Twelve o'clock at night. Thank You, Lord, for deliverance from sinful oppression and death as a result of sincere repentance and prayer in [...] the care room after the teacher’s discussion about the inconveniences of her room (cold floor). I thank the Lord for delivering me from the oppression and shame that befell me following the delusion in the apartment of Isidor Murashov (his wife) before the memorial service for his son and during the memorial service. As a result of this feminine charm and the wine I drank at the customs during the prayer service, I was completely paralyzed in my heart and could neither sing nor speak, and I extremely shortened the funeral service. Traveling back and being in distress and shame, I secretly cried in repentance, asking [the Lord] to be merciful to me and to cleanse my sins, and the Lord sovereignly and powerfully forgave me; I was at peace and joyfully glorified God. I sinned before the Lord, before the Mother of God, before all the ranks of the Heavenly Powers and the holy saints of God, who have worked and pleased God from eternity, and before the entire earthly Church, before the hierarchs and laity, before my household, before my servants. I sinned by prodigal inclination, and this after I tried in every possible way to convince him to maintain purity of thoughts and body. What am I worthy of after this? What punishment? I am worthy of God’s rejection, God’s execution, as having unlawfully abused the great grace of God, given to me in the grace of the priesthood and in frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ (today I received communion). Oh, how many tears of repentance and tenderness I need! But, Lord, just as You have previously forgiven me countless sins for repentance, so forgive me now, the repentant, for the sake of the same mercy. From now on, grant me to completely belong to You in holiness and truth and mercy, in self-control and purity. I have desecrated the image of God in myself with voluptuousness both today and long ago, and often, often. And what did voluptuousness and prodigal excesses lead me to? To corruption, desecration, combination with the enemies of salvation, to removal from God - the true, eternal life and sweetness, true bliss. I have experienced and seen my misfortune many times - so that I may finally turn entirely, with all my heart, with all my aspiration, with all my strength and strength, to the Lord, who awaits my repentance and does not destroy me for my deeds, does not yet send me into eternal fire, does not yet cease my breathing, my corruptible, temporary life. God! Convert and save me. The property of sin is the desecration of the soul and body of the sinner and the separation of the soul from God, which is terrible, but at the same time its quality and purification, that is, every sin can be cleansed by the mercy of God for the sake of sincere repentance and the repentant can become brighter and higher than before through his zeal and the grace of God. Therefore, one should never despair of one’s salvation. Go and sin no more, says the Savior, who is able to cleanse all sin and make the soul whiter than snow through repentance [John 8:11]. God! Grant me the grace to abhor sin in thought and with all my heart and not deign to it in my thoughts and in my heart, so that I may not become defiled either in thought or in the movement of my heart; May all my thoughts, all my heart, all my desire be directed towards You, my true, eternal belly, from now on until my last breath. Amen. Avoid intercourse with sweetness and with the parent of passionate sweets - the devil. May I continually unite with the Lord. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness for the sin I committed. January 31st. Morning. Four o'clock. Evening. I thank the Lord, who crushed the sting of voluptuousness and despair in me and revived me with the communion of His most pure, heavenly, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. I read the prayer behind the pulpit freely, with a triumphant spirit. At Filipovich’s prayer service he was very unfree. At a prayer service with Fyodor Vasilyevich Vasiliev, through the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God, he prayed peacefully, sincerely, with boldness, without stumbling. God bless! Yesterday, at early mass in the Duma Church (parents' Saturday), the Lord vouchsafed us to receive life-giving communion and perform the entire service without stumbling. Thanks be to the All-Merciful! All flesh is grass [Isaiah 40:6]: whether a beautiful maiden, a blooming youth, a strong man, a king, a military leader, a warrior, a rich merchant, a famous merchant, or anyone else, therefore do not be deceived by anyone or anything; the only incorruptible Lord, the King of all ages and every creation, love with a pure heart and do His will, and in Him love your neighbors purely! From the follow-up to the Great Blessing of Water. At Vespers, the first prayer of the lamp. Battalion - a person of junior command, in charge of food and clothing supplies on a ship or unit.