Ноябрь 1881 г.

I thank the Lord for the wondrous powers of salvation He performed in me during Matins, when I repented of my hard-heartedness towards the poor and then of my hostile (diabolical) feeling towards Metropolitan Isidore for his arrogance and inaccessibility, severity (as it seemed to me, what I repented of). Hostility towards the poor, suspicion of Father Alexander regarding his concealment of money, and especially hostility towards the Metropolitan tormented me extremely, but for my repentance the Lord cast away this feeling of hostility from me, took away the tightness of death and granted peace and freedom when I sincerely repented. Then, in the Duma Church, when I diligently fell to the Holy Altar about the sins of hard-heartedness and bitterness towards young poor townsfolk (twenty years old) and asked for mercy and kindness towards me and for the goodness of my heart to change from evil to good, the Lord performed a miracle of salvation, removing mortal distress. Glory to the Lord! (I was drying the Holy Mysteries in the Assumption Church at nine o’clock in the morning.) I thank the Lord with all my being, now and yesterday blessed by the inexhaustible, greatest generosity of His goodness during the performance of various services (prayer services, baptisms, memorial services) and beyond. The Lord did not cease to destroy the fierce, arrogant, deadly machinations of the enemy in me, especially at the prayer service at Plott and Boyle and at the memorial service for Maria Ivanovna (Trofim Ivanovich’s [old man’s] wife). And my powerlessness against the enemy comes from gluttony, satiety, delicacy and wine. I myself give reason and guilt 107 to the adversary to overcome me. This race is driven out only by prayer and fasting [Matthew 17:21]. I was very angry with Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for her affection for me. At the funeral service I was very embarrassed because of her, senseless, out of dislike for her, for bothering me. And she deserves great respect for her ardent affection for God and for me, and the devil is arming me against her because she is ardent for God and for her neighbors, humble, gentle and destroys his machinations. I do not have humility, meekness, kindness, patience, abstinence, non-covetousness, purity, simplicity, courage, impartiality, or rightness of heart. Grant me this, Lord! Wednesday. I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy, revealed in me during Matins with my tearful, hot repentance for hard-heartedness and irritation towards the poor, especially towards one of them, a young man, for carelessness about himself in the summer; The Lord had mercy on me, changing His righteous judgment to unspeakable mercy: I was dead - and came to life, I was in confusion - and became peaceful, I was angry - and became good, I was proud and irritable - and became meek and humble, I was in the most inflammatory mental ulcers - and was completely healed from the dew of the grace of the Holy Spirit, I was in terrible cramped conditions - and found spiritual space in God; in a moment of God’s mercy I miraculously changed. The Prophet says: God is wonderful in His saints [Ps. 67:36], but He is no less wonderful in sinners who repent with all their souls, of whom I am the first, as well as the first of those being saved. In the Assumption Church, before early mass and during and after it, during the consumption of the Holy Gifts, the Lord wonderfully had mercy on me, making me alive from the dead. At the litany before the removal of Maria Ivanovna’s body, he spoke the litany and dismissal without stumbling, in an abundance of hope and boldness, looking boldly, openly, and with authority at everyone. Oh, if only the devil would always come to me like this, without embarrassment and fear! After being taken out from ten o'clock to five o'clock in the evening I had a severe headache. After dinner (broth, milk) I went to bed, put ice on my head (and earlier I put a paper image of the Lord Jesus Christ and the holy righteous Artemy, the Verkolsky miracle worker, on my head, with faith and sincere prayer, in the shape of a cross); fell asleep, slept for two hours and woke up fresh and completely healthy. Glory to the Lord and His saint! I thank the Lord for the countless blessings shown to me throughout this day, from the time of the morning praise until five o’clock in the evening; I was granted a particularly great mercy of deliverance from fierce demons before entering the gymnasium building (due to the indignation at the beggars who were waiting for me at the gate), then immediately after Vespers, after pouring the holy myrrh from a vessel of the church, not befitting the shrine of the world, with an extremely sloppy stopper, into a vessel for wearing at christenings (for sloppiness, I condemned the dean and the rector for negligence about the shrine and greed); After this, I was extremely embarrassed and fell into cramped conditions, mortal sorrow, but, having repented, I received life and peace; then he was honored with great mercy in the house of Rumyantseva (Sturgeon) along the ditch on the tower (number four) before the prayer of the mother in labor, repenting to the Lord for grief and anger at the poor for chasing me, after more than a hundred people (one hundred twenty or one hundred thirty) had been given to me before; then again I became angry with the beggars who stood and waited for me, to whom I gave what I asked; then new beggars chased after me, I again lost my temper and shouted at them, and was extremely wounded by anger; in Nikolai Matsygin’s apartment I tearfully repented to the Lord, standing before the image of the Mother of God on my knees, and the Lord miraculously had mercy, giving me peace, boldness, tranquility, space, joy, a warm prayer to the sick Feoktista Mikhailovna, his wife. Remember Paul tomorrow (ruble for the poor). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the poisonous, deadly charm of voluptuousness that captivated me and kept my soul and body intact. I thank the Lord, who raised me from sleep vigorous, healthy, strong, completely renewed. The sign of the cross, depicted by us in a well-known way, awakens our faith in the Holy Trinity, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and in the mystery of the incarnation and atonement of the Only Begotten Son of God, our Lord Jesus Christ, and together serves as a symbolic expression of this saving faith of ours; In addition, the sign of the cross, depicted with faith, containing Divine power, invisibly works miracles for our salvation, accomplished (perfect) on the cross by the Son of God, and this is already very much in favor and, if necessary, in defense of the sign of the cross depicted by Orthodox Christians. Faith alone can save a person, faith instead of works may it be imputed to me, O my God, not seeking works from anywhere that justify... let her answer, let her justify me, let her show me to be a partaker of Your eternal glory 108. Bowing in prayer serves as much as a demonstration of our humility before God and awareness of our sinfulness and guilt, as much as it stimulates prayer, mental and physical energy, for our soul is constantly prone to laziness and absent-mindedness, when it comes especially to prayer and conversation with God, and gymnastics, an exercise for the body and a means to drive away various demonic dreams, harmful, nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts, for demons are afraid sign of the cross. I thank the Lord for the Lord’s greatest deliverance of me from severe sins during Matins, when I fell many times before the throne of grace in repentance of my self-indulgence, carnality and hardness of heart towards the poor and the mortification of myself through sins, but with much and deep repentance the Lord delivered me from heartfelt death and gave me life, freedom, boldness. I thank the Lord, who upon my arrival home delivered me from the movement of voluptuousness, then on the way to the gymnasium after the prayer service, showed me new mercy and deliverance, and in the gymnasium itself. I sinned greatly before the Lord and before His poor members after Vespers, when I was grievously angry with them, scolded them, shouted at them, hit one in the face, another in the ear, on the handkerchief in my anger at the immeasurable victory and multitude of them (the number of two hundred of them was given to me today). I repent of this to the Lord - my anger, my hardness of heart and rage, my beating. Have mercy on me, Lord, for there is no sin that overcomes Your love for mankind, and there is no human malice that can overcome Your endless goodness when a person sincerely repents of his malice. Forgive me too for my anger. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the mortal distress of my sins during the prayer service (at the end) in the house of Gerasim Murashov in the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleinikova from Nikifor Frolov and Maria Evgrafovna. I am of little faith and an unreliable priest: haven’t I seen a thousand times that the Lord always rewards me a hundredfold for giving alms to the poor, and hasn’t He sent generous gifts to their share? With the measure you use, it will be measured to you, says the Lord [Matthew 7:2]. And is that why I, a Christian, a priest, should be cowardly, greedy and angry when I have to give to many beggars? You must be meek and calm and trustworthy. God! Forgive me for what I have done. I thank You, Lord, who changed your anger into mercy towards me, unworthy, ungrateful, malicious, selfish, voluptuous, money-loving, unfaithful, unreliable, unloving, impatient, cowardly, murmuring, fearful, partial. After the indicated mercy of God towards me, I gracefully, peacefully, with a warm feeling served a thanksgiving prayer service with Pavel Stepanovich Burachok. The Lord, through deep repentance, destroyed all my previous sins and cleansed me from all lawlessness, from all passion of the flesh and spirit. Glory to His ineffable goodness and wisdom! I thank the Lord, who has now revived me, killed by the sin of voluptuousness in thought (sixth hour of the morning), for my sincere repentance before His face and who has granted me purification, peace, and great mercy. After early mass. A terrible temptation befell me today during mass (from the Kuznetsovs) regarding the words spoken about me by the pious old maid Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina; the enemy was terribly agitated and fired at me, oppressed and tormented me. But this time the Lord did not reject my repentance, my prayer and delivered me from temptation, and after communion of the Holy Mysteries I triumphed over the enemies of salvation; I received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. During Matins there were also strong temptations (when I prayed for the softening of the money-loving heart of the abbot, and mine, and for compassion for the poor), and the Lord delivered me from them and gave me the grace to read the canon freely and calmly. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly voluptuous movement of my heart before the prayer service with Mikhail Evfimovich and Evdokia Agafonovna, who often with excessive zeal fell at my feet with the ardent disposition of her heart. I thank the Lord, who delivered my heart from the deadly movement of anger towards the poor before giving and when giving them alms (for a crooked black guy thirty-five kopecks for supports, for a tall new guy thirty-five, for another thirty-five, for another twenty kopecks for a shirt). I gave them reluctantly, with annoyance, embitterment, with pity, money, and not them (considering them drunkards and idle, unworthy of alms), whereas it was necessary to give to them as members of Christ, as Christ, with faith, humility, willingness, with zeal and joy, in simplicity of heart, kindness. Oh, how unskilled I am in virtue, how flawed, lacking in faith, unfaithful, unreliable, impatient, proud, and angry! The Lord sent me three rubles for the poor through Agafonovna. Glory to God's providence for His servants! How addicted I am to this life and its vanishing blessings! How have you not learned to hope in the Lord and to contemplate grief, to renounce addiction to the blessings here and to hope for the eternal, the most excellent ones there! Oh, dark, unclean, heavy, flattering cloud - my many-passionate flesh! Away with the reproach of the poor, the rage against them! Yes, I reproach myself, a sensualist, a selfish lover, an ambitious person, ill-hearted, malicious, malicious, proud, unkind, impatient, envious, impudent, passionate, disobedient, lazy, careless! Resurrection. During Matins and early mass, I had severe temptations, especially at the beginning of Matins about being upset with one beggar and my failure to give him alms (for sincere repentance the Lord had mercy on me and gave me peace). Then, during the vesting, due to the awkwardness of the watchman Procopius (I was upset with him), I was stung by the deadly sting of the devil, then after dismissal and after not saying the end of the prayer to Christ, the Light and at the beginning of mass; I long and fervently begged the Lord for mercy, and He saved me, giving me space and peace. Then, throughout the mass and prayer service, the devil extremely scorched me with his sting, but the Lord delivered me from all temptations after the end of communion of the Holy Mysteries, and during mass he received life-giving communion. At a prayer service at one o'clock at Borodukhin's, the Lord delivered me from the devil's sting due to grief at the sexton for sloppiness; after the christening at Grigory Machikhin’s (he did not give his leave due to the devil’s machinations and was mortally wounded); when we were riding on horseback up the mountain to [...] serve a prayer service, the Lord delivered us from the crowds for our faith and prayer. God bless! I thank You, Lord, for the wondrous revival of me, killed by my sins (irritation and stinginess towards the poor); I sincerely repented, falling heartily at the throne of grace, and was immediately healed, pacified, revived, and expanded. Great is my impatience and malice! There was a miracle of revival during Vespers and after Vespers, and even in the apartment of Nikolai Machigin, when I was upset with his sister for her awkwardness in taking off her galoshes. Church, worship, prayer in general is the native vital element of the soul, in which, like a fish in fresh water, like a bird in the air, the soul truly lives, rests, enjoys, strengthens, plays and has fun, where it believes and cries, and so easily, easily 91. God the Father set Him (Jesus Christ) above all things, the head of the Church, which is His Body, the fullness of Him that fills all in all [Eph. 1:22–23]. This Body is His Church, heavenly and earthly. (Save, O God, Thy people...). Dismissals: Through the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother... and all the saints... she will have mercy and save... During the Liturgy, all the saints are remembered three times... at the proskomedia, at the celebration of the Holy Gifts and at dismissal, as well as the living and the dead... Delve into the meaning and spirit of worship... This is an amazing height, an amazing wealth of communication and love. Everything is one - all are headed by Christ into one body, the inhabitants of heaven and the earthly, living holy lives. Oh, honor and glory! How many saints are there in the Church?! I suffered a lot because of the failure to agree to release at the funeral service of Pelagia Grigorievna Petrova (the wife of Vasily Ivanovich Petrov) due to the evil and all-murderous machinations of the devil, who constantly confuses and fights me. Only the blood of God washed away the deadly poison of the enemy from my soul. Grant me, Lord, the grace to utter all the words of prayers, exclamations, dismissals, psalms, and songs without restraint, without bliss. Tuesday. During the early mass, which I served according to Yakov Andreev (year), I had many grave temptations due to my gluttony and delicacy (in the evening I was at the housekeeper of the Commercial Club, ate and drank at ten and eleven o'clock in the evening), and the serpent of the abyss almost swallowed me at the most sacred and terrible time of the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts: my heart and tongue were already tied and confused, amazed enemy; I could not pronounce and feel the prayers, Lord, Who is Your Most Holy Spirit and create a pure Heart in me, O God... Do not reject me... Only the last ones: Lord, Who is Your Most Holy Spirit, - said... And why the confusion and grief? Because sexton Mikhail Alex. Bystryakov stretched out Vera too much; Dignified and righteous; Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts. Only by strengthened repentance and the prayer of faith and by falling before the holy, life-giving and terrible throne, by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, I was delivered from the jaws of the serpent of the abyss. Oh, how hard it was for me from his hellish breath in me! What death of the soul! How cramped! What confusion! Upon arriving home, the Lord, through a prayer of repentance, delivered me from a new type of death due to an adulterous view of the girl. Oh, what a rush! What passion! O treacherous, multi-passionate flesh! When will I hate and crucify you with passions and lusts? After the God-given victory over the enemies during mass, at the memorial service I completely, calmly, solemnly, turning to the west, pronounced the dismissal, and at mass I unfailingly read the pulpit and the dismissal. Glory to God the Savior! He who does not serve God serves his passions and the devil and plays the dangerous game of sin, the toll of which is death [Rom.6:23]. What will I render to You, Master Lord, for Your great and swift mercies, which You have surprised me with many times this day both in church, and at home, and in different houses during the performance of services, and in the gymnasium, delivering me for faith and repentance from my fierce, deadly passions and from demonic deceit and giving me peace, freedom, life, a good yoke and a light burden? - Only heartfelt praise and thanksgiving and confession of Your mercies. Ten o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who at this moment had mercy on me for my faith and repentance, with which I now prayed warmly about my grief at the poor for their frequent begging and after my bile words to them: “I will leave you from here.” After tightness and severe sorrow, I was rewarded from the Lord with peace, freedom, lightness, spaciousness of soul and body. Where will I go and why? Is it from the bounty of the Lord, or from my salvation? For according to the measure of my generosity (if there were any), the Lord always lavishes me, and has mercy, and saves me, and satisfies and rewards me with everything, and even with a good name among my neighbors. Glory to His mercy! Evening. I thank the Lord for the greatest salvation shown to me for my repentance on the way to the gymnasium: I sinned with bitterness and anger at the poor, with their reproach, and I was extremely wounded by this, I was killed by my anger. The Lord accepted my repentance and, after intense repentance, gave me peace and space with boldness, and I taught my lessons well in the gymnasium and after lessons served a prayer service at Simansky’s with great feeling. Six o'clock in the evening. Now the Lord has raised me again, dead in sins, who again sinned with anger and rage and cursing at the poor (he said with impudence: “Go to hell!”). Oh, how hard it was for me (nothing could be worse [John 5:14])! How long have I repented! Finally, deep repentance, hope, and faith took over: death was trampled upon in me, sin was forgiven. Glory to the Lord! Morning. Friday. I thank the Lord, who marked this day in the morning with mercy and great deliverance and revitalization of my heart during Matins, when I fell in repentance at the Holy Throne, mortified by sins. The worship of the Orthodox Church is a living realization of our faith, hope and love for God and His Holy Church as a community of saints, already glorified and rejoicing with God and the holy Angels in heaven, and as a divinely established society of people still living on earth and struggling against sin, the multi-passionate flesh, against the corrupt customs of the world and against the devil, who fights against God and God's chosen ones (those who have already died and are waiting for the righteous utterance of God); it is a living, spiritual connection established by God Himself between believers and people reborn through holy Baptism and sealed with the seal of the Holy Spirit with God and among themselves, a constant connection (active and prayerful) living on earth with glorified saints or a spiritual connection of fellow believers with each other for copulation and prayer of glorification and thanksgiving to God and for sanctification, renewal and reinforcement by the Sacraments, the prayer connection of the living with departed members who passed into eternity. I drank milk last night (Friday), thinking that I would thereby protect myself from a headache (from grape wine), but it turned out worse: my head actually hurt, probably from the stomach, from its uncleanness. It is safer to keep the fast than to break it for empty reasons. Have mercy on me, Lord Lord, I have sinned, the accursed one. Got up at six o'clock in the morning and went out for a walk at half past six; walked, praying, until a quarter past eight o'clock and, coming home, read the canons of Friday and Saturday and went to bed; slept until ten o'clock and went straight to mass; unprepared, the devil greatly upset me, brought me down with anger at the archpriest and despondency; for a short time he could not bring complete repentance to the Lord and was under the deadening influence of evil spirits throughout the mass; I was also sick, my head hurt a little, I was prone to nausea. Only after leaving the church, when I went to the wall to the sea for a walk and together repent to the Lord along the way and ask for mercy and deliverance, did I finally get rid of the demonic malice and calmed down and spread in my heart. Then I visited the birthday boy Philip Stepanov. Deacon Poletaev is rude and disobedient; he did not want to sweep away the dust from the throne at my direction. Lord, give him reason and forgive him his sin, grant him repentance and grant us all abiding in love and obedience. Until a person gets into the taste of prayer, until then he lazily, coldly, sluggishly prays, sometimes dozes or dreams about strangers, but when he gets into the taste of prayer, when he is confident in the personal presence of the Lord with him, when he understands the greatness of the benefits given to him and all people from the Lord in faith in Him, in prayer, or conversation with Him, when he recognizes the abyss of his sins and the need for forgiveness and deliverance from them and the whole value of the immortal virtue that adores us, which God teaches and affirms us in, then a person begins to pray fervently and often with tears to his Creator, Provider and Savior. But even then, due to lack of attention to themselves and carelessness about themselves, little by little they completely abandon prayer, considering it superfluous and useless. Such people are near destruction, it is not in vain that it is said: Pray without ceasing [1 Thess. 5:17]. Prayer is life, non-praying is death. The night of November 15th I slept badly, tossing and turning from side to side, first of all from satiety (I ate grouse), secondly, from a long sleep yesterday morning, thirdly, from bad rotten weather, and fourthly, from writing with some tension of preaching. (Write a letter to Paraskeva Ivanovna Andreeva, Sokolova with six rubles.) Lord! First of all, I am guilty of disobeying my brother Deacon Vladimir yesterday, for I did not ask him in the spirit of love and peace to sweep away a lot of dust from the holy throne, but in the spirit of indignation and zeal, and You forgive me this and correct me myself, and in meekness, humility and love I order or remind the deacons and sextons to fulfill their duties. Forgive the deacon also for the sin of disobedience and admonish him to carry out his work with diligence - observing the purity of the holy throne, altar, scarves, lips and to care about the service, to serve sincerely, not with arrogance and pride. So, in order for me to order others to fulfill their duties, grant me, Lord, to be under the influence of a good principle, and not an evil one, as yesterday, for at the very beginning of mass, even while performing the entrance prayers together with the abbot, I became embittered with the abbot for not waiting for me and rushing, and under the influence of this anger I was the whole mass, despite repentance and a prayer to God for deliverance (so much did Belial attack me for the reason gluttony and long sleep). Heal and have mercy on all of us, Lord, and the abbot, for he resists the works of mercy in every possible way, working with all his heart for mammon, of whom he has countless numbers, for which I am very disliked towards him at times, but sometimes I am very favored for his moderation and quietness of disposition and kindness. Have mercy on all of us, Lord, for the sake of Your name, make the deacon humble, touch his heart, grant him tears so that he can cry for his sins. Resurrection. I suffered a severe temptation today during [mass] from the side of my many-passionate flesh because of an empty circumstance - because of several stale prosphoras brought to the proskomedia from the prosphora maker. I was upset with her because of this (where are the meekness and gentleness of Christians?), and I was subjected to confusion, sorrow and oppression and death of the soul, I fell away from love for God and my neighbors and was unable to perform with dignity, heartfelt, sincerely the Divine, heavenly, divine liturgy, filled with God’s love for people and His eternal truth - this is the service of immortality, redemption, renewal, deification. And so, in my heart disease, I began to sincerely repent to the Lord of pride, lust, carnality, gluttony, the madness of my old man, my lack of faith, my ingratitude to God our Savior, who came down from heaven for our salvation, who became impoverished and exhausted Himself for us. Such a heavenly service - a service of reconciliation, deification, the love of God, such a Sacrament of immortality I performed, and meanwhile I allowed myself to be overcome by earthly addictions - addictions to bread, while man does not live about bread alone [Matthew 4:4], but about every word and about the Body and Blood of Christ God. When I deeply, sincerely, convincingly for myself, confessed my sin, then the Lord reconciled with me during the special litany, and I was able to pray sincerely, warmly, more freely for all people and for myself, about my sins. Oh, how sincerely and strictly must a priest prepare for the celebration of the heavenly liturgy! He must truly be spiritual, heavenly, not bound by any worldly lusts and passions, must be alien to anger, malice, envy, gluttony, love of money, voluptuousness, lack of faith, cowardice. It's easy to say: Woe is our heart! But we do not have any kind of constant readiness, spiritual contemplation, purity of heart, impartiality, holiness, love and fervor for God, fiery gratitude to Him, in order to sincerely say and fulfill these words in action, to ascend, so to speak, to the third heaven, to the throne of glory of the Trinitarian God; Even in these terrible, heavenly moments, we are bound by the insoluble bonds of our passions and crawl on the earth instead of being woe! O me, accursed and unworthy! God! Grant me the grace to celebrate the Liturgy with a heavenly mind and heart, a fiery soul, in an outpouring of tears! Wake up! My God! How weak and sinful I am! One momentary thought of earthly addiction can depose me and remove me from You, my God, kill me, extinguish my love for You and my neighbors. How destructive are earthly passions! The priest, first and most of all, needs to acquire by the grace of God, a necessary spiritual element - the love of the Gospel: he needs it every minute, every moment, he needs it when he prays during the solemn service in the church, when he prays at home or in the houses of parishioners, when he performs the Sacraments of faith, when he is in ordinary, daily relationships with fellow servants, or in everyday relationships, family, comradeship, or in relationships with parishioners, with bosses or subordinates, with pupils and those who have completed their education, with children and adults, with old and young. But he especially needs love during the celebration of the Divine Liturgy, which is all the sacrament of endless Divine love for the human race; in this Sacrament - the Sacrament of the Eucharist, or Communion of the Body and Blood of Christ, Divine love appeared in all its immensity, for the Lord Jesus Christ exhausted Himself for our salvation, giving Himself as food and drink - His Body, broken for us, and His Blood, shed for us and for many. During the Liturgy, the priest must be completely enveloped in love for God and for his neighbors, redeemed or co-redeemed by the blood of Christ, and there should never be a shadow of anger or grief in him towards anyone or addiction to anything earthly: whether for food, clothing, decoration, official distinction, or any person; he must always be heavenly, Godly, holy. So be it. A serious but very common sin among people is that they prefer creatures to the Creator and, instead of Him, cling with their hearts to things and persons that are transitory and cannot give life; as in ancient times, and even now, other people cleave and cleave to idols. For a rational creature, who can replace the Creator man, who created us in His image and likeness and pours out His light into our belly? Nobody. And we sometimes think that a person can live on bread alone, or with a lot of money, with an abundance of property, he can live well, or under the wing of a noble and rich person, or you never know what people hope for instead of God! We often say during worship: Our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints, having commemorated ourselves and each other, and our whole life to Christ God, we must put into action our devotion to Christ God in all circumstances of life and not rely only on ourselves, on our mind, on our position, fortune, connections, wealth and so on. Having arrived in Moscow, stop by to venerate the Iveron Mother of God. She will open the city and the hearts of Muscovites to us. To the Assumption Cathedral, to Metropolitan Alexy. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the snares of the enemy during Matins in church and at home after arriving from Matins. When will I learn to think, to desire, to feel, to love, to speak and to do only from a good beginning and to completely reject the evil principle? Everything in our internal and external life depends on which principle we follow more: good or evil, evil? The evil inclination, if someone does not follow it voluntarily, usually invades the human heart with violence and cunning, deception, and those who fight it firmly overcome evil with the strength of Christ, for without Christ the Savior we cannot do anything, we cannot defeat the slightest sin. So, God's love dwells unceasingly in our hearts. I thank the Lord, who showed me His greatest help during the service of mass upon my arrival from the school of care, where I was tired and weakened. I thank the Lord for His mercies and powers revealed in me, especially for the communion of His Holy Mysteries, which completely revived me. I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free service of Vespers for sweetness. During the unction of Feoktista Mikhailovna Machigina, I was in grave temptation, especially regarding the use of vestments, the cross, and the Gospel (in red velvet) of Father Alexander Taratin; corrupt and painful envy and anger at him overcame me (that he was a very rich man, and lived only for himself, for no one else, and had acquired beautiful vestments, crosses and the Gospel for himself, supposedly to admire the fraternal income for his own benefit, which, I think, is a demonic lie and slander, as it turned out from the very torment of such thoughts). Many times I knelt in prayer to the Lord, that he would deliver me from the poisonous slander of the devil and from my envy and malice, self-love and pride: what do I not have and what else do I need? And why don’t I wish for my brethren everything I wish for myself? There is no love of Christ. And the Lord delivered me, although not completely because of my sins, for the roots of sin remained in me. Oh, how multi-passionate I am! How unclean, base, maliciously jealous, adulterous, capricious, impudent, insolent, lazy, careless, voluptuous, selfish, disobedient, obstinate, fearful, impatient my heart is. After giving alms to many beggars in the evening at the church fence, on my way home, I met a beggar waiting for me, a well-dressed girl, Rowenas, asking for alms, and against my will, with great reluctance and anger towards her, I gave her fifteen kopecks, because I did not expect to meet her here and was very unhappy that I was standing here. I was terribly pinched by the devil’s malice, and I barely got rid of hellish misfortune through long repentance! I thank the Lord for the unfailing service of the funeral service at the hairdresser. What kind of priest am I, with such and so many passions, how can I sincerely love God and my neighbors and sincerely and worthily perform the heavenly mysteries: Baptism, the Eucharist and every divine service and Sacrament? I must have an exalted mind, a heavenly heart, burning with the love of God for everyone and for God first of all and most of all. God, cleanse me and transform me with the power of Your grace, which is what You often do to me when I sincerely repent with tears. Yesterday at Evgenia Petrovna Shlyapnikova’s I drank a lot of sherry and ate grapes and got a little tipsy and relaxed my soul and heart; This morning I was weak in heart and subject to demonic violence (I could not speak the small intense litany because of the devil’s opposition in my heart), while speaking the litany I gained strength by the grace of God, but only at the canon I was completely strengthened by the grace of the Holy Spirit and without stumbling I completed the service to the end. Before the prayer service for the blessing of water, the temptation was heavy due to the reluctance to serve an unknown person, partiality broke, but through repentance and faith I overcame the enemy-persistent and served the prayer service with grace, with the power of God (very little was given for the prayer service, apparently due to my stinginess towards the poor). He gave communion to the maiden Daria, the daughter of Anna Gerasimovna. And at this time the Lord accepted repentance and delivered her from the deadening anger towards Gerasimovna for her awkwardness in removing the duckweed. Now, at home, the Lord saved me for repentance from the consequences of hard-heartedness towards the poor - from sorrow and hardship. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for granting me, unworthy, great mercy and help during the liturgy: at the beginning of it, I was very weak in spirit from physical fatigue (carrying out) and could not say prayers at the proskomedia; During the liturgy of the catechumens, he spoke well and sharply, but he read the prayer to curb sedition with great difficulty due to the resistance of the opposing evil forces. But after this he perked up, became zealous for God and for prayer, and performed the Liturgy without stumbling, with tenderness and tears; received life-giving communion, felt renewed and wonderful; I read the exclamations and the pulpit without stumbling, at the prayer service the Gospel, at the memorial services for dismissal. This evening I received the greatest mercy from Christ God - deliverance from the sorrow and distress that befell me due to anger at the poor. He repented sincerely, called on His name - and was saved. Now (eleven o'clock at night) I was thrust into the children's bedroom, and I saw my sister-in-law there with my wife, chatting who knows what. I was embarrassed and thought something absurd about her and about myself - and I was wounded and died; Through long repentance and prayer, by the grace of God I was delivered from spiritual death. Woe to unrepentant sinners! Eternal torment is terrible! Terrible is the torment of those who live fornication! If even for one momentary thought of prodigal one one has to suffer hard, hellishly, then what will happen there, beyond the grave?! But how great is the bliss in paradise for all who live righteously and truly repent! It is impossible to describe; the righteous and the repentant still have and feel the guarantee of eternal bliss here. Teach us, Lord, to live in holiness and righteousness all the days of our lives! Do not be stingy in giving alms to the poor from the heart: you will undoubtedly be rewarded in the measure with which you measure [Matthew 7:2]. If you give generously to them, the Lord will give generously to you; If you give it soon, it will soon be given to you; If you don’t give sparingly or for a long time, the Lord will not listen to you for a long time and will not save you when you pray to Him for salvation in cramped conditions and sinful misfortune. A terrible, hellish bath was given to me by the head of malice during Matins for instantaneous secret embitterment and contempt for the abbot, Father Paul, for his seemingly careless attitude towards divine services, and only through diligent repentance and repeated falling to the throne of mercy did I get rid of the intolerable intrigues, when the Lord took away the malice, humbled my pride and implanted humility, love and respect for the elder. The ethereal enemy crashed into my heart while reading and singing the canon. A lesson for me: to always love everyone, not to neglect anyone, to be forgiving of the weaknesses and shortcomings of your neighbors, to honor everyone, to humiliate yourself, but not to humiliate yourself. By elevating and loving your neighbor, you elevate and love yourself, and vice versa, by humiliating your neighbor, you humiliate yourself, dishonor yourself. Only obvious vice deserves dishonor, so that it would not boast and gain strength and would not carry away many after itself, if they were not alienated and despised and did not reprove and punish it, for one must be strict and unforgiving towards vice. What mercy the Lord showed in me many times during Vespers! All enemy intrigues have been defeated. What a power of salvation the Lord showed in me after my meeting with my father, Deacon Vladimir, in the Kalashnikov store! What a salvation in Machigin’s house in the corridor! What salvation in the house of Pyotr Murashov after irritation with the beggars who were pursuing me! My soul is full, truly full of God’s miracles every day - miracles of God’s mercy and power, God’s long-suffering towards me! How many sinful habits and passions I have, stinking within me and killing me, tearing me away from God! Thursday. The Lord appeared to me in His mercy this day as marvelous, during matins before the prayer service and during the prayer service to the Savior, the Mother of God with akathists and St. Nicholas the Wonderworker. He repeatedly delivered me from the fierce demonic machinations (anger at those who go and light candles to local icons, to the customer Pavel Smirnov) and granted me victoriously, life-giving, solemnly, joyfully, with a playful spirit, to perform Matins and a prayer service, and at home three times the Lord delivered me from the mire of sins. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving most pure, august, life-giving terrible Mysteries of His most pure Body and Blood. After the great entrance, the Lord delivered me from the killing of the enemy and gave me life and peace, also at the beginning of the liturgy, when I began in weakness of spirit and flesh. I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free, sweet, victorious service of Vespers and Compline. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the painful sorrow and distress that befell me for avoiding giving alms to a beggar when I went to guardianship in the evening. The Lord sent His salvation to me in the reception area of ​​the guardianship at seven o’clock in the evening, just before the meeting. I thank the Lord for deliverance from loss of spirit, cowardice and despondency and fear of the devil, from fear of mankind at Strenzel’s memorial service. Tears of repentance. Morning. Today, on the one hand, is the day of the terrible temptations of the enemy and my extreme spiritual distress, on the other hand, the day of the great power and mercy of God, revealed in me in delivering me from the destructive wiles of hell. First of all, the Lord delivered me from hellish crampedness at the Midnight Office for my repentance of hard-heartedness, severity and stinginess towards the poor, secondly, during the reading of the Six Psalms, thirdly, during the canon (at the end of it) from anger towards the sexton (because of an empty [...]), fourthly, at the first hour, fifthly, before the funeral service and during the funeral service for Murash Alex., sixthly, when reading the canon to the communicants (there was terrible agony, a struggle with evil demons that unbearably ulcerated me). Eleven and a half o'clock at night. I thank the Lord for the repentance given to me now and the illumination of my heart with the light of heavenly truth, by which I was taught how and what to repent of when my heart was stung by the tightness and sadness of sin, and for the Lord’s sweet and most peaceful pardon of my unworthiness. My sin turned out to be that, while standing in prayer and reading the akathist canon to the Most Holy Theotokos, I was carried away by the secret hostile condemnation of the rector Father Paul, his daughter Catherine in pride, unsociability, hardness of heart, stinginess, vanity (and his daughter in absent-minded behavior (as if)), then with rancor about Deacon Vladimir, who insulted me with negligence and disobedience when duly requested. In all this, I sincerely condemned myself, that I myself fell away from love and fell into self-love, pride, disobedience, anger, rancor, condemnation, forgetting my sins. Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary into the church. I served Matins and early [mass] for Father Klepachesky, and he served all-night vigil for me yesterday and late today. I thank the Lord for His strength, which in me prevailed over all the machinations of the ruler of the world, and for His countless mercies, which conquered all my sins during Matins and early mass. Many times the adversary the devil wounded me with his deadly sting, his cunning and my passions, but faith in the Lord, heartfelt repentance and falling to the throne of grace revived me. The Canon to the Mother of God was read very solemnly and sung animatedly. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help during the service of the prayer service at the Grechukhins and crushed the vile head of the enemy; I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me from my unfaithfulness to the Lord and impurity of heart for my repentance and then after leaving his apartment on the street during a walk with repentance. During the divine service, the priest should be with his soul as if outside this world, completely united and dissolved with God, nothing earthly should possess his heart, and for such a spiritual dispensation he will enjoy the greatest peace, boldness, joy, and will feel unearthly greatness within himself. Today, after early mass, during prayers in houses, I felt strong weakness throughout my whole body, especially in my lungs, so that I could barely speak. At Ivan Petrovich Rudakov's I ate white bread (rolls) with pressed caviar and drank tea with jam and sugar; strengthened the body, but it strengthened the stomach, and the burning sensation in the body became greater, the weakness of the lungs did not go away. I came home and fell asleep at eleven to twelve o’clock. The lungs have become better, but the body feels sharp and tight due to a strong stomach. At a prayer service with the Grechukhins, I received wondrous grace when, in the face of the dirty tricks of unclean spirits, I prayed with tears to the Lord and the Lady, and my spirit and body became healthy... But after eating hot pies with halibut, my stomach tightened even more, and the burning sensation became unbearable and continued until five o’clock. I thought it was packed; after an intensive walk in the kindergarten it became better, after drinking broth and a cup of tea milk it became even better and completely went away. I slept very well at night. Glory to God and the Lady, my Intercessor. I thought that I had ruined my lungs from the very loud singing and reading at Vvedenskaya Matins: Who is the great God, like our God? You are the God who works wonders [Ps.77:14–15]. Why do I, knowing all the absurdity and madness of sin, still follow it? Why am I afraid of his very breath in me and am embarrassed and hurt? Because I have not crucified my flesh with passions and lusts, because I serve sin out of evil habit, I have deeply rooted sin in me, because I have little faith in God, in His infinite truth and holiness, I have not yet loved righteousness with all my heart and have not hated lawlessness [cf. Ps.45:8]. Lord our God, Creator of heaven and earth, bringing countless creatures into existence from non-existence and concluding countless treasures vegetating 109 and fossils in the depths of the earth, and with these nourishing and enriching the human race and giving everything useful to everyone! We pray to Thee, Thy unworthy servants, hear our prayer at this hour and remove the bitter and lamentable needs of the multitude of Thy poor people in this city and in other cities and villages through the establishment in our city of the House of industriousness and bestow upon us, who undertook in Thy name and in memory of our former Tsar Alexander the Second the structure of it, Thy rich mercies and bounties and attract the hearts of the property people of the city of Moscow and other cities by the mania of Thy all-powerful right hand to the willing and generous donation of Thy gifts for the entire final arrangement [of it]. You have hitherto surprised us with Your mercy and generosity, showing us a sign of Your favor towards the undertaking, for in You, the all-good and all-powerful Lord of heaven and earth, they placed their hope in this matter, they called on Your name, they constantly remembered Your all-holy name, they rejoiced in You, they thanked You in our successes. And now on You, the one, all-good, all-generous, omnipotent Creator of all and Helper in good deeds, we place all our hope in our journey to the capital city. Open therefore, O Lord, the doors of the houses and the hearts of the citizens of this city to us, Thy servants, and do not disgrace us in our aspirations, for in Thee, Lord, the eyes of all trust, Thou art the Father of generosity and the God of all consolation and the Performer of all good deeds, and we send up glory to You, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto the ages of ages. Amen. (Lord! Take away the evil thought.) I thank the Lord for the multiple salvation granted to my soul in church during Matins and early mass from Al. V. Murashov (getting rid of ill-will towards the father of Deacon Vladimir Poletaev and reconciling with him in heart and in deed: I said hello and kissed brotherly), and at the memorial service at Feoktista Mikhailovna Machigina (when enemies prevailed and deprived them of words); I felt through the grace of God my damnation, poverty, poverty, blindness and nakedness, and thus I became stronger than the opposing forces, that is, humility. A person blinded by passions, even a Christian, even a teacher of faith, often asks, as if in ignorance: who is my neighbor? He really doesn’t yet know who his neighbor is, but in fact he has long decided that his neighbor is only his wife, son or daughter, that is, his flesh and blood, and if he lives not with his father or mother, but apart, separately, and often does not consider them close, but distant, without extending his mercy and help to them. “Who is my neighbor? Whom should I love dearly and whom should I please in everything? - asks another. - This neighbor is myself; who is closer to me than myself? All people are distant from me, I don’t owe them anything and I don’t want to give them my property, I owe everything to myself and I please myself in everything and will continue to please; all my goods, property is my goods.” And this is what he actually does: every day he multiplies his wealth without measure, eats and drinks heartily and often, dresses luxuriously according to the latest model, does not deny himself any pleasures if he is inclined to them, and although he sees every day many people in need who suffer shortcomings in everything, he does not pay attention to them, because they are distant to him, because what is closest to his heart is his money, his own benefits, his greed, his hard-heartedness, his ingratitude before God and people; so even many teachers of the faith, not to mention the laity, apparently do not know who their neighbor is, and remain in their ignorance or ignorance all their lives, and although they read or listen to the Gospel, they themselves read, write and speak sermons, but they do not want to comprehend the spirit of the Gospel and fulfill the words of the Sweetest Savior: they speak and do not do; and although the Lord Jesus Christ clearly teaches mercy in countless places and simply in parables, appeasing or threatening with excommunication from His face forever for hard-heartedness, the self-lover remains with his love of money. In vain does he learn to know: who is my neighbor? He wants to remain in the dark about who his neighbor is, because this is beneficial for him, for his old man: he does not need to squander his wealth on the poor, but only needs to collect - and collects, collects to the end, until death stops his greed and closes his greedy eyes. Blessed is he who understands who his neighbor is, that is, everyone who is truly in need, in need, in sorrow, perishing in sins and passions, sick, unfortunate, ignorant, even our enemies. (Rector Father Pavel Trachevsky, Father Peter Klepachevsky, and Father Alexander Taratin, and many many, N. Sidorov, I, the multi-passionate, governor, head of his chancellery, many officers, bureaucrats, merchants.) Tomorrow (God willing) we will go to Moscow. During early mass at the end, when Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina came up to give communion to the child, the enemy attacked me with bitterness towards her, which only through repentance and faith in the Lord was overcome with difficulty due to the corruption of my heart. Glory to the Lord! From November 25 to December 4, I was on vacation in Moscow to raise money for the House of Diligence. The culprit (Church Slavic) is the one in whom the reason (guilt is the cause, the source). Prayer 8, to our Lord Jesus Christ, “My many-merciful and all-merciful God...” from the sequence of morning prayers. Vegetable (Church Glorious) – growing.