Август 1881 г.

After Matins. I thank with all my heart my Lord Jesus Christ for deliverance from the devil’s anger towards the sexton during Matins while singing and reading the Canon of the Cross and the Maccabees because of one movement of his voice, which was not so motivated by the word of God (it is impossible for a person to see 79) as I usually sing and others. And how much the adversary killed me with this secret anger! I could not calm down, but I was in confusion, crampedness and death during the whole time of singing praising stichera before the incense on Glory to God in the highest... Then the Lord, for my faith and sincere repentance and for my shameless hope, delivered me from the wiles of the demons, and I felt the disappearance of malice, a brotherly disposition towards my colleague and peace and spaciousness in my heart. The big one said calmly and a prayer to Christ, the True Light. After mass and procession. Before the mass itself and during the mass at the beginning of it until the Cherubic Song, with God's help, I withstood a terrible demonic storm because of an empty reason, apparently precisely because the rector did not want to come to the church for the procession of the cross, but wanted to go privately alone to Exchange Row and wait for the procession there; I thought that he would not come there either, and was indignant and embittered at him for avoiding communication with the brethren and the church ceremony, considering this to be an air of self-importance. Before mass and at the beginning of it, the devil completely disheveled me, broke me, paralyzed me, and only through repentance and fervent, intensified prayer did I barely get rid of the thoughts that worried me about the rector and grief. Thanks be to the Lord: all my misfortunes and troubles disappeared by the power of God’s grace, and I celebrated the Liturgy with tenderness and tears and received life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries; I read the entire pulpit calmly, expressively, and the dismissal too. Well, the storm was crushing, terrible! What was the reason for my grief at the abbot because he did not deign to go with us in the procession of the cross? Suspicion on my part of the rector of pride, pride and unsociability, envy of his ease and tranquility, to which he condemns himself by involving us in all the work in which his personal interest is not involved (but isn’t work better than inaction? And shouldn’t we feel sorry for an idle man, and what honor does he have from God and people?), envy of his large parish income not based on merit and labor, wealth accumulated by miserliness (oh, my stupid, earthly jealousy! Oh, stupid, impudent envy! Who am I to compare myself with an old man? And do I receive less than his allowance, if you count my gymnasium?). Yes, I am envious, cursed, and I showed my envy today at home when I found out that a special fast meal was being prepared for my nieces’ children, while for me it was a lean, tasteless one, and I became angry and embittered with my wife. These are the passions in me: greed and envy, delicacy, gluttony, carnality, falling away from love, which is the essence of the whole law of God, for love is the fulfillment of the law [Rom. 13:10]. In what, among other things, I fell into despondency, cowardice, fear, despair, into what mental bickering, disobedience and stubbornness I fell into over the abbot’s refusal to go in the procession! I was ready to force him to come with us, so that he would not indulge, would not be lazy, would not put on airs, and would not be alienated from the brethren. However, I betrayed him and myself to the Lord, begging Him to enlighten us both. But we must give justice to the abbot that he is a sedate, even-tempered person, unperturbed, whole, peaceful, kind, sober, self-controlled, constant and firm in rules, ceremonies and rituals, which, unfortunately, is not in me. Resurrection. Always pray reliably to the Mother of God in purity of soul and body, with a sincere heart, for She is all Divine love, condescending to our weaknesses and our sins, for she knows that we were conceived in sins, and were born, and live, and fall willingly or unwillingly, that the thoughts of the human heart are evil from his youth [Gen. 8:21], and she sincerely has mercy and mercy on those who repent. But remember and know firmly that She is an incomparable shrine, the perfect truth of God personified, the perfect fragrance of Christ, the perfect knowledge of human hearts, the uttermost detestation of all sin, as the fiend and stench of Satan, and therefore, resorting to Her with prayer, thanksgiving, appropriate praise, always flow in unfeigned repentance, with perfect disgust and hatred of every sin, secret and open, mental and felt, or committed in word and deed, with perfect love for truth and all virtue, with a perfect desire for spiritual beauty and spiritual beauty, the beauty of Christ, according to the Scripture: all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ [Gal.3:27], and then every prayer of yours to the Lady will be successful and praise and Your thanksgiving will be pleasing to Her. From Kronstadt: 8.45, from Oranienbaum: 9.45, 12, 3, 5.30, 7.30, 10.20. Train: 9.45, I, 12.45, 2.45, 4, 6, 7.15, 10, 11 and 12 o'clock at night. Thank You, Lord, for the successful collection for the House of Diligence! Glory to You, who listens to our prayers and thanksgivings. And in the past times, do not forsake me, Lord! Strive tirelessly, unceasingly, Christian, to restore in yourself the image and likeness of God, the image of Christ with His holiness, truth, meekness and humility, kindness, patience, mercy, self-control, obedience, simplicity, love, devotion to the will of God, for, being slandered, He did not slander each other; while suffering, he did not threaten, but handed it over to the Righteous Judge [1 Pet.2:23], becoming obedient even to the point of death, even death on the cross [Phil.2:8]. I make it known to you, my friend, who wants to use my advice and instructions, that I, like you, am a sinner, filled with all sorts of sins incomparably more than you, and therefore I completely sympathize with you in all your weaknesses and falls and wish you, as well as myself, complete repentance, healing, rebellion and prosperity, with the power of suffering for the ignorant and deluded, since I am also burdened with that weakness. [Heb.5:2]. Christ God came down to earth to make us heavenly from the earthly, and spiritual from the carnal, and we, contrary to His will and intention, allow the worldly passions to possess us, as if intentionally: voluptuousness, greed, vanity and vanity; We have become completely earthly in our appearance, aspirations, passions and, as it were, forgot about heaven, lost sight of the Heavenly Fatherland, the heavenly inheritance prepared for the children of God, those who philosophize on heavenly things, not earthly ones, we all strive for earthly pleasures, advantages, distinctions, benefits, forgetting about the honor of a heavenly title, about the wealth and spiritual wealth that is God Himself, who dwells in the heart of a Christian and constituting the highest, eternal, inalienable honor and glory. It is worthy of great surprise that sin has distorted the very concepts, goals and aspirations of Christians who do not pay enough attention to themselves and their election and purpose. What follows? - Put yourself entirely on Christ, in His truth and righteousness and despise the flesh and the world as transitory, but be diligent about the soul, things more immortal 80. I thank the Lord, who, through a prayer of repentance (secret), delivered me from the creep of voluptuousness towards my daughter Brown, who, after confusion and cramped conditions, gave me peace and space. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help during the service of the prayer service with Mr. Myakishev, the navigation officer (Konstantin Andreevich). I thank the Lord for pacifying my soul, disturbed by the unfriendliness and hostility of my wife towards my niece Natalya Vasilievna Fidelina, who came from Arkhangelsk to Kronstadt. I prayed secretly in repentance, and the Lord pacified my soul. To consistently develop the idea of ​​the Church as a collection of believers, united under one Head Christ and animated by one Spirit of God, about the church as a place of worship, about icons, their significance in the composition of the Church, about the Mother of God, the Head and Queen of the mental creation 81, about saints of various names and ranks; about hierarchy, its origin, meaning, purpose; about the flock, about the need to correctly honor the Mother of God, the holy Angels and holy people; about the edification and benefits of venerating the saints, about worship, about its composition, about the composition of daily, weekly and annual worship, about holiday and Lenten worship (Lenten and Colored Triodi). Against Lutherans and Anglicans, to affirm the truth of the Orthodox Church, its structure, hierarchy and worship, canons and statutes, its fidelity to the Gospel and apostolic decrees. To the director. If you reward other teachers and nominate them for awards, then do not disparage me, otherwise it would be an insult. God! Your power, Your power, Kingdom, strength and glory! However, let me not humiliate myself, carelessly teaching my pupils the Law of God, and let me remember that my Lord was crucified on a wooden cross, and not a gold one, let me remember His free suffering and death, let me imitate in my strength the passions of His saints, crucifying my sinful passions, let me be crucified to the world and let the world be crucified to me, let me die to sin and live for God and His truth. While serving a prayer service with the learned officer Myakishev (teacher at the Technical School), the evil one embarrassed and instilled fear in me with the thought that he was a scientist, and inspired shame with the thought that repeating the same litanies and chants would be unpleasant for him (oh, the absurdity!), but by the grace of God and the secret prayer of repentance I defeated these machinations of the enemy and served piously, calmly, with dignity. This is always necessary in front of all scientists, nobles and rich people. Our irreconcilable enemy, the devil, at all times, day and night, with all temptations to sin, has one hellishly crafty and evil intention towards us: to defile, corrupt, darken, humiliate, torment us and make us heirs to fiery hell. He does not and cannot have any other intention, as he is an absolutely evil creature. And therefore, let none of us, Christians, children of God, redeemed by the blood of Christ from the power of the devil, be seduced by any lure of sin, any sweetness of sin, and let us constantly be attentive to ourselves, so that this many-headed and diverse serpent, that is, the devil, does not creep up on him, under the guise of any sinful thought, desire or passion and lust, for example, carnal pleasures, or wealth and glory, earthly differences, or in the form of envy, pride, anger, irritation, or intemperance, laziness, despondency, or absent-mindedness, idle talk, foul language, hard-heartedness, unmercifulness, and others. For every sin corrupts and defiles and darkens the soul and separates it from God, the source of life. One o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who delivered me through the threefold prayer of repentance from the shameful, low, unclean lust that corrupts the soul and body, from the evil and unclean imagination of what happened. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me, killed by my sins, with which I came to the Vladimir Church for the all-night vigil on the Feast of the Transfiguration. I called to Him with ordinary faith in repentance from the depths of my soul - and I was not ashamed in trusting in His mercy, I received from Him a wonderful gift of peace, freedom, truth, holiness, consolation and joy. Glory to the faith of Christ! Glory to the Orthodox Church, which inspired and nurtured such faith in me! How many miracles the Lord has done and is doing in me through faith! The entire time of my priesthood is a continuous miracle of His mercy and power in me, many sinners and many passions. How many times has He cleansed me, a stinking dog, from all my iniquities! How many times has He renewed me, who was corrupted in manifold iniquities! How many times have I delivered you from the cruelest wiles of the devil! How many times have I been the conqueror of sin through His holy, all-saving, all-redeeming name! Glory to the Lord for everything and thanksgiving, both before, and now, and forever, and to endless ages. Amen. The Lord transformed me with repentance and faith during the all-night vigil in the Vladimir Church: he made the dead alive, the sad - cheerful, the gloomy - bright, the powerless - strong, the sinful - righteous, the reeking of sin - with the holy fragrance of His name, the humble - high, the fearful - bold. Glory to the wonders of Your goodness and power, Lord! I thank the Lord, who last night, by His great mercy, gave me prayer with abundant tears (evening prayers and the canon with prayers for communion) as I walked between the kindergartens in the passage from the gate to the church houses. Why does sin prevail in us and reign in all kinds of forms, when against it there is an omnipotent, invincible weapon - the saving, omnipotent grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, which has already performed countless miracles of saving the greatest sinners in ancient, middle and modern times, when against sin - this ugliness, this absurdity, darkness, vile aphids, this powerlessness, this shameful slavery, this diverse destruction of the poor man - so many resources have been given, for every close means - home and church prayers, the Sacraments of Baptism, Penance, Communion of the Divine Body and Blood, divinely established shepherding, the Sacrament of Unction, God's word, for everything useful: for teaching, for reproof, for punishment 82 in the faith, for consolation and strengthening [2 Tim. 3:16], so many instructive and edifying, useful books for the literate and learned and for the most illiterate, who can listen to the reading of the literate, when so many painful punishments that naturally follow a sin should give rise to hatred and disgust for it? Why does sin prevail in us? – From our lack of faith, negligence and laziness, self-love, lust and carnality, from a natural inclination towards sin, for the thought of the human heart is evil from his youth [Gen.8:21], from ignorance, from various temptations from the flesh, from the sinful world lying in evil, and from the devil, seeking whom to devour [1 Pet.5:8], from non-compliance with church commandments and statutes. Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you [James 4:7]. God! Oppose the power and cunning of evil with the abundance of Your mercy, Your grace, Your strength and wisdom, for evil is spilling over the earth and drowning us all. I thank the Lord, who showed me salvation in the apartment of Sampson I. Denisov in delivering me from the deadening lustful sting and in successfully serving a prayer service with tenderness. But when I came home, I was angry with my wife for a box of nasty anti-moth perfumes and shouted at her, and I worried and embarrassed myself, and I upset and angered the Holy Spirit. Have mercy on me, Lord, for Thy name's sake. I'm going to serve the liturgy. When I went to serve the Liturgy in confusion and cramped conditions and inwardly repented and prayed to God, asking for mercy and goodness in my heart, then soon the Lord performed a miracle of His mercy on me, sending me His mercy from heaven, destroying the bonds of sin and spiritual death and granting freedom, peace, boldness, and spiritual righteousness. Glory to the Lord! During mass I felt the greatest weakness and sinfulness of my soul and extreme weakness of body, soreness, nervousness, irritability. Communion of the Holy Mysteries miraculously revived and breathed new life. But on the steam fire launch after the prayer service, I offended the Spirit of grace and the Lord Jesus Christ with gluttony and intemperance. Have mercy on me, Lord, who repents. Among the devil’s deceits is, by the way, that he taught people to call carnal rage and voluptuousness the inappropriate name of love - this is perverted love, not worthy of the name of love. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the distress of death during Matins and who delighted me with His grace during the reading of the canon of the Transfiguration and the holy venerable martyr Dometius. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the tormenting malice of the devil during a prayer service in the apartment of Ekaterina Mikhailovna Lebedeva (however, or rather, after the prayer service, because during the prayer service the enemy continued to torment me even to the point of tears), among other things, out of envy of the rector that he almost never goes to church services, but only me and Father Alexander and partly Father Peter, as if it were bad or difficult to be in business God, to glorify the Lord, the Mother of God and the saints of God, or to solemnly bring repentance to God and ask Him for mercy, or to thank Him for unceasing blessings, and as if sitting and doing nothing is good and profitable in all respects, receiving freely abundant means of living, and as if it is not a merit before God and people to serve people, their spiritual needs, and God seems to [offendedly forget] our work and labor of love and piety. To live in idleness and not serve God means serving one’s passions and the devil - what’s better?! Barely after the prayer service, with a prayer of repentance, I got rid of the malice of the invisible adversaries - they simply plundered and killed me. Glory to God, our Savior! (I shuddered, standing and praying in front of the icons!) Evening. Today at three o'clock in the afternoon, by God's grace, I endured the attack of two rabid animals: my wife Elisaveta and sister-in-law Anna - due to the news of the arrival in Kronstadt of my dear niece Natalya Vasilyevna Fidelina; Anna began the attack: there were complaints of dissatisfaction that I was still doing little for her children (and I had forgotten myself - she had been living with us all these years), reproaches, strange curses, brutal rage, roars, hubbub, howls, threats (“I’ll take the children and leave,” said one; “And I will leave, I will not be left without you,” said another), spitting on me, reproaches that I got involved with drunken, depraved women (and from these kind, pious women, how many gifts they received at different times - everything is forgotten!). I couldn't hear all this and went into his office, while the roar of the devilishly angry and impudent, proud and capricious Anna continued and the fury of my wife, too, until Elena Nikolaevna Kromid came to give a piano lesson to the children we had raised, nurtured, and taken care of. May the Lord reward them, my wife and her sister, especially my sister, as the instigator and instigator of my wife, whom may the Lord and the All-Tsarina, the Lady Theotokos, my Patroness, give my glory and praise! The malice, impudence, slander and distortion of Sister Anna’s concepts are remarkable: she attributes all the illnesses that happened to me to God’s punishment for allegedly offending her - she, who saw so many good deeds from me, or even more so from God through my unworthiness! Oh, the tongue is razor sharp! She offends, scolds, condemns everyone, and she is always right, and those she scolds are guilty. How long will it be, O Lord! God! Why do these women hate my relatives with such complete hatred? Why do they despise them so much, consider them nothing, and at the same time proudly and boastfully display the superiority of their family and rank? This arrogance surprises and amazes me. So they despised and hated my mother. I cried today because of my wife and sister-in-law, who quarreled with everyone and with me and, what is especially painful, armed my wife against me. God! I entrust to You my offense, vengeance for me, according to Your word: Vengeance is Mine, I will repay [Rom.12:19]. And I will pray for them, according to Your word: pray for those who oppress you [Luke 6:28]. I thank the Lord, who showed in me, who suffered much from a woman’s misfortune and quarrel, His great mercy during the service of the early liturgy: I served the grace of God without stumbling, received life-giving communion and gave communion to up to a hundred people, read the pulpit calmly, freely, with tenderness and dismissed in the same way. Women are an amazing people: they don’t sow, they don’t reap, but give them the fruit, and they are ungrateful and demanding, rude, impudent, insolent, loud, noisy to the whole yard. Living with them is sometimes pure disaster. And there is no punishment for them, neither internal nor external, and therefore they are insensitive, even with a stake on their head, as the proverb goes. (Wife and sister-in-law. How will their anger and ingratitude respond to them?) Now I asked my wife to fix a trifle on [...] his cassock, and she resisted and refused, starting an argument. I complained about her to the Lord; let the Lord judge between me and her. And she wants me to provide her with everything in abundance, although I have always delivered! God! Give me patience, generosity and meekness, and give my wife obedience to her husband in everything. Because of my children, I have to endure a lot of my sins. Nine o'clock in the evening. God! Glory to Your faith! Glory to Thy all-merciful power, glory to Thy good obedience, Thy kindness and goodness, O Holy King! Glory to Your all-redemption, with which You have atoned for my many sins. Here You, O innumerable Goodness, delivered me from sins and from the deadly machinations of the devil, with which I was depressed over a quarrel with my wife and sister-in-law and stumbling in thoughts and words at the memorial service for Eusebius, the Duma watchman, in the evening at six o’clock. After this, when, in cramped conditions and anguish, I entered the Assumption open (without service) church and called on Your name with great faith and hope, then - oh, miracle! - now the bonds of hell have fallen from my soul, spiritual death has disappeared, I have become peaceful and expanded in my soul and it has become so easy, easy for me! Immediately I glorified the mercy of God. Oh, who is the great God like our God? You are the God who works miracles [Ps.76:14–15]! There is no one like You in God, O Lord: strong in mercy and good in strength, to help, and to comfort, and to save all who trust in Your holy name! 83 Amen. Nine and a half o'clock in the evening. My hands are now lifted up to God the All-Creator to grant us an abundance of gold and silver for the construction of the House of industriousness and success of the deputation leaving tomorrow to Grand Duchess Ekaterina Mikhailovna and to the Moscow mayor Tretyakov. Great is Your name, O Lord, which I have called. It alone serves as my guarantee for the fulfillment of my request. Amen. I won't be ashamed. I thank You, Lord, for everything You have accomplished in the House of Diligence, through Your goodness and through our prayer. Amen. I thank You, Lord, for your zeal, zeal and boldness towards all members of the guardianship. This is yours too. They have apostolic zeal, apostolic boldness; They boldly go through all the rich and noble and powerful of the earth. God is with us! Take away from us, especially from me, our unworthiness, so that we may worthily glorify You, the only Giver of all blessings. I thank You, Lord, who delivered my humility while standing in the church of the Vladimir Mother of God from the sinful voluptuous poison that began to penetrate into the depths of my heart and into my whole being: by calling on Your holy name in heartfelt repentance, I got rid of it. My God! How the devil catches me in every possible way, seeking to devour me! God! I create the memory of Your good deeds, which You did in me yesterday, and even during the liturgy in the cemetery country church, when cramped conditions and melancholy of the devil pinched my heart and weakened me, deadening my soul, depriving it of all boldness; Then, in the hope of my heart in Thee, O my Master, Lord, I fell several times (before mass) to Thy throne, and hope, as always, did not put me to shame: the streams of death disappeared, and the streams of life of the Holy Spirit watered and revived my poor soul, and I, as if from a dream, arose from cowardice and despondency, became emboldened, calmed down, strengthened in spirit. I served cheerfully, only at the great entrance, at which the commemoration of the highest persons was spoken unfreely and embarrassedly, the enemy again killed me, but the Lord again revived me when I repeatedly fell with faith and hope at the throne of grace. Everything else was fine. Only at the funeral service [...] and at some litias [outside] the church did the enemy sting and embarrass me through my colored duckweed, stinging me with its pity so that I wouldn’t get dirty from the incense smoke (oh vanity, oh vanity, oh absurdity!). But the Lord removed this mortal sting and healed the ulcer of my soul. Then he served the lithium well, sincerely, with feeling. God bless and always! I thank the Lord, who today during Matins surprised me with His mercy, when with tears of repentance in heartbreak and in the punishment of cramped conditions and fire for rage and anger at the beggar, I complained to the Lord, standing at the altar! The Lord drove away death and gave life and peace, and I cheerfully, cheerfully read and sang the morning canons and stichera. Earthly glory, sweetness, beauty, wealth are temporary, transitory, changing, disappearing blessings, and heavenly wealth, the grace of truth, virtue, heavenly beauty, glory, sweetness, bliss are eternal blessings, enduring, unchanging. They must be pursued with all our might. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the peace and tranquility He has created in my house, in my household, who were frantic against me like beasts, and became like sheep by His grace, the change of His grace. I thank the Pure Mother, the Most Holy Theotokos, who asked us for peace from Her Son, the King of the world, for every good thing through Her and for Her sake is given to us unworthy. Don’t you know: confusion, trouble, misfortune, enmity, quarrels, curses, fights, murders, persecutions occur in us because of addiction to earthly goods. If only these passions and our absurd pride, carnality, voluptuousness, ambition, vanity and vanity did not exist, and there would be peace and quiet and God’s grace in us! And even during God’s service, earthly cares, cares and various worldly passions do not give us peace and do not allow us to peacefully, without entertainment, fervently pray and glorify God, blessed and glorified, and often completely destroy and scatter, so to speak, through the air, our prayer and leave us empty, cold, embarrassed, ashamed, without any spiritual fruit. Evening. I was captivated by the desire for the Order of St. Anne of the second degree, having one of the third degree, and received a mortal ulcer in my soul through this desire, but as soon as I recognized the delusion of my heart and the vanity of this earthly distinction and recognized in the depths of my soul that the Lord alone is my only treasure, my honor, my glory, my reward, my true, eternal, vital difference - I immediately healed my soul, calmed down, felt the space within myself. Glory to my Lord - the only incorruptible, beautiful, vital treasure that exudes life to me, true distinction, inseparable, inalienable. Let those younger than me or my peers and comrades receive insignia before me - yes, I consider it madness to envy them in this award, which has a temporary, small significance, but I wish them great awards, and for me, may the Lord be the reward, a clear conscience, sincere love for God and neighbors, zeal for the salvation of human souls, for the glory of God, meekness, humility, kindness, obedience, uncomplaining bearing the infirmities of the infirm, in general, diligent service to the needs of the flock entrusted to me, diligent preaching of the word of God, the disposition of the soul is quiet, even, truthful, hardworking. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]. How can you believe when you receive glory from each other, but do not seek the glory that is from the One God? [John 5:44]. On the outside you seem righteous to people, but on the inside you are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness [Matthew 23:28], no matter how much this was said about us. And in fact, let us consider ourselves sincerely from our inner side: what is in us, in our heart? Is it not hypocrisy and lawlessness every day, fornication, carnality, selfishness, pride, ambition, envy, hatred, anger, irritation, rage, deceit, love of money, stinginess, greed, hard-heartedness, insulting neighbors, cursing, drunkenness, idleness, laziness, despondency, lethargy, disobedience and willfulness, rancor, Malice, malice, coldness towards God, ingratitude, absent-mindedness, grumbling, despondency, cowardice, man-pleasing, human-reliance, servility, false shame, vain fear and apprehension, lack of faith, lack of trust in God, suspicion, crafty or evil and unclean [thoughts], suspiciousness regarding neighbors, etc.? With such an internal picture, it would seem that external decorations and differences would not really suit us. Another thing is the decorations and distinctions of our title and service: they indicate our official dignity, the rights and power of the service. Tuesday. Morning. I thank (and have already thanked) the Lord, who has granted me today great deliverance from spiritual death, which befell me immediately after meeting the gaze of the teacher of the Tsarevich’s orphanage, [who was] going to church with the children; looking at her and seeing her gloomy look at me, I was upset with her, feeling hostility; my pride was hurt simply by a dream, which killed my soul, striking it with cramped conditions and sorrow; I immediately began to repent both on the way, and especially upon my arrival at the cathedral in the upper choir chapel, to repent with tears of my ill will, anger, madness, pride, that I had ruined the entire law of Christ, which consists of love, and [began] asking Him that my heart would change from evil to good, from enmity to love, which covers everything, and the Lord performed in me the miracle of His salvation, transforming death into life, cramped space into space, confusion into the world and granting me the restoration of His salvation. Oh, the wickedness of my heart! But if I want to be loved and looked at with love, let me love myself first, let me throw away pride - this idol of mine, which demands everyone and everything as a sacrifice, seeks a kind of worship from everyone, wants to make everyone a victim of its voluptuousness and ambition. Why the members and organs of the body were given to you by God, use them for this purpose, and do not abuse them. You have been given lips to speak useful things, to communicate your thoughts and feelings, intentions, deeds to others, or to pray, glorify and thank God - use them for that; or the same lips were given to you to eat and drink and thereby support your physical life - use them for that, and not just to eat and drink and get drunk or use foul language, swear, sing obscene songs and generally serve the passions. Organs were given for the reproduction of the human race, for procreation - use them for that with the blessing of God given in the Church, and not for the satisfaction of your lusts and passions, not for sensuality, not for corrupting yourself and others, for our bodies are churches of God, and whoever corrupts the church of God will be punished by God [1 Cor. 3:17]. It is not for mockery and desecration that God gave you the wonderfully, beneficially, innocently, purely organs of the body, but so that you would be amazed in reverence at their Creator, thank and glorify Him by using them in accordance with His laws. Use other organs in the same way: sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell - everything is within the limits of the law, and not unlawfully, not for sin, not for temptation, not to harm yourself and others. For a Christian called to holiness, everything must be holy. Be holy, for I am holy, the Lord your God. Be holy yourselves in all your actions, says the holy Apostle Peter [1 Pet.1:16,15]. Wednesday. In man, created in the image and likeness of God and consisting of two natures: spiritual and material, the spiritual side must always rise, prevail over the bodily, as the highest over the lowest, the best over the worst, the rational over the unreasonable, the immortal over the corruptible and mortal. Examples of this in the Old, New, and New Testaments, Our Hero and Leader of the Faith, the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, set a living example with forty days of fasting and then vigil and prayer, unceasing works of mercy for the needy, unceasing teachings to the people, before Him and with Him the great Forerunner, then the apostles, hungry and thirsty, hungry and suffering, do it yourself, and others... And what a great reward for those who live wisely, not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit! What peace, what consolation, what lightness to the heart and the whole being! And in the next century, what lightness, what unceasing, endless bliss: the sight of God, the Most Pure Mother of God, the Angelic and Archangelic faces and all the holy saints and the fellowship and sweet conversation with them. Evening. How could I not forget the great mercies of God shown to me on this day during mass, served in the choir, when I stood below in the Intercession altar and begged with repentance from the Lord for mercy for the fact that I angrily sent a beggar to hell, although I gave material alms: with me was Lieutenant Golovizin Konstantin Vasilyevich; often falling to the throne with a decisive condemnation of myself, I received wondrous mercy, instead of death - life and rejoiced in God's salvation. After Vespers at the same altar, I was honored with a new mercy of God, repenting of my new anger towards the poor, and again, instead of death, I received life and peace, and again [...] rejoiced. Glory to the gracious and merciful Lord! After the confession and communion of the married daughter of Ivan Ivanovich Ilyichev, Lyubov Ivanovna Kovina, while reading after giving [prayers] at the sick person’s communion, the ethereal enemies extremely stung me with carnal voluptuousness at the sight of the beautiful sick daughter and then at an instant glance at the sick woman’s white breast! My God! What passion! Just as a hungry wolf or a lion or a tiger is greedy for meat, so my old, fleshy, passionate man is greedy for his desired, naked, virgin flesh! Oh, what a source of evil is my heart! Oh, what a hell of unclean, fierce, ferocious passions bubbles up in me because of my gluttony and intemperance, my lust, my failure to keep fasts, my carelessness about my spiritual education, sobriety and vigilance! The passion of love of money is just as strong in me! How she sometimes confuses me even when performing prayers! How much every day because of her I get irritated, angry, lose my temper, get hurt, suffer and die spiritually! And what would have happened to me if the grace of repentance and faith had not healed and restored me! I would be a lost man, I would be a prey to hell! I am stingy with alms, often, very often, I give reluctantly, involuntarily, with anger and pride, without humility and zeal, without faith in Christ, who accepts alms from the poor, without hope for sure reward, without gratitude to God in my heart for His countless benefits. I completely condemn myself in all this and plunge myself into the abyss of God’s mercy, praying to the Lord to teach and confirm me the right to walk in the path of His commandments. Amen. Oh, how carnal passions kill me! So that they do not kill me completely, I must certainly kill them and crucify the flesh with its passions and lusts. Grant, Lord! Thursday. As a result of a long sleep until seven o’clock and yesterday’s treat with the merchant Matrona Fedorovna Osetrova, the current state of my soul is extremely bad, starting with the fact that I reluctantly, lazily agreed to go to the sick man in Vysokaya Street (which is behind the burnt theater), and when I walked, I allowed myself to be carried away by thoughts of acquiring an earthly reward - the Order of St. Anne of the second degree (oh, mercenaries, devotees earthly vain glory!) and my heart was alienated and far from the Lord, the true King of glory, glorifying those who please Him with true, inner glory, eternal. I felt confusion, crampedness, lethargy, deadness in myself - the natural consequences of the soul’s distance from the Lord and addiction to earthly vanity, traces of its madness, delusion, obscurantism. When I arrived at the patient’s room in the basement, small, poor, facing the courtyard, not very tidy, I was overcome with disgust, disgust and at the same time indignation at the fact that they always call me to the poor person, but they don’t call other priests; however, I immediately condemned myself for the spirit of mercenary and for not having the Spirit of Christ in myself this time, I remembered that the Lord Himself, whose most pure Body and Blood, and most of all His, I brought into this hut, deigned to be born and live in poverty and to treat especially the simple and poor who accepted Him, that He Himself did not have where to lay His head [Matthew 8:20], that the poor, the deprived earthly comforts, sufficient means of life and treatment, most of all need our sympathy and the consolations of faith, although we, the darlings of earthly happiness and contentment, are poor comforters and strive to quickly move away from the spectacle of poverty and suffering. Here I righteously condemned myself for my earthly spirit, for my earthly, passionate, dead heart, a heart that has experienced countless mercies of God, cleansing, sanctification, renewal, strengthening, enlightenment, peace, freedom and space of the Holy Spirit, joy and spiritual triumph. Oh, how our life does not agree with the life of Christ and our thoughts, intentions, deeds with the thoughts, intentions and deeds of Christ! How perverse are our thoughts, intentions, aspirations, goals, how earthly, low, selfish, unclean, corruptible, unworthy, false, stillborn and lifeless! Lord, have mercy on me, self-condemned and unworthy of Thy mercy, Thy servant, venerable on high, with the highest rank of Thy priesthood, John the many-passionate. Behold, I do not hide my sins from myself and sincerely confess my errors, passions, sinful aspirations and inclinations! Bless me Yourself with Your destinies and show me worthy of Your goodness. How can we, priests, not yet understand and think about how our desires for profit, for earthly distinctions and advantages, for decoration and luxury in clothing and housing, for gluttony or the enjoyment of food and drinks, for games and amusements can be coordinated with the service of God and people, especially in their spiritual needs! Just as gold, silk and velvet can put up with the rags of the poor, crosses, orders and ribbons of purple and sky blue and blue with poverty or the simplicity and baseness of insignificant people! - assuming, of course, that the one adorned with distinctions himself sought them, and not they sought him as worthy of them; But how many people are looking for them themselves! No, the humility and poverty of Christ do not agree with our pride and arrogance, with our aspirations for enrichment, pleasure and earthly glory. Let this be the lot of someone else, if you please, if where it is convenient, if not illegal, if not absurd and stupid, but not the priests of the meek and humble Christ, whose kingdom is not of this world [John 18:36]. The Feast of the Dormition of the Mother of God is the Christian celebration of the incorruptibility and immortality of human nature redeemed by the God-man, the incorruptibility and immortality which She was solemnly awarded during her lifetime, being preserved incorruptible before birth, during and after the birth of God the Word and remaining pure from all sin, filled with all truth and holiness, but especially after death, when Her body did not see corruption and was resurrected on the third day for eternal life. An all-joyful Christian holiday, which speaks a lot to the mind, heart and will of a Christian! He teaches a Christian to look at death as a dream, a dormition, after which there will certainly, inevitably be awakening in a new, incorruptible body for eternal life; teaches one to constantly prepare for death as for a joyful birthday into a new, endless life through deeds of repentance, correction, and virtue; he easily resolves the difficult question of the inequality of the lot of people on earth and why the wicked and evil are often blissful here in happiness, contentment, nobility and wealth and in all sorts of successes in life, while the pious and good suffer and endure shortcomings, persecution, sorrow, troubles, misfortunes, and illnesses. Reward will be in the future life according to everyone's deeds - here is a reassuring answer: virtue will be fully rewarded there, in heaven, and vices will be punished according to their merit, and there many who were first here will be last, and the last here will be first there. He teaches people patience and devotion to the will of God in all misfortunes, persecutions, temptations, troubles and misfortunes and firmness in faith, hope and love and contempt for earthly blessings as transitory, disappearing, like smoke and steam or a dream. I thank the Lord for the abundance of grace that acted in me today during Matins and the early liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church and for the communion of myself and other people with the Holy Mysteries and for the revival by them. Give alms to the poor so that it is alms not only for the body, but also for their soul, that is, so that it edifies them, softens them, touches them, excites them to gratitude to the Lord, excites them to prayer, to work, to the thirst to work. Do not irritate with alms, do not reproach those receiving, do not be arrogant when giving, so that the fruit of alms does not perish. A holy work must be done holy. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the brazenly captivating and painful, astringent, heart-blinding charm of voluptuousness, from one instant glance at the round breasts of a young, beautiful, pure maiden, kindled in the heart and in the flesh. The Lord accepted my sincere repentance, interceded, saved and had mercy on me with His grace. Oh, what a voluptuous, carnal, rough, earthly heart! Everything tempts me, the purest, most untempered, innocent faces and things are often a temptation for me - either to irritation and hostility, anger and rage, or to carnal lust and wounding, or to greed and selfishness, or to ambition and vanity. What a split heart! Now to truth - now to sin, now to heaven - now to earth, now to God - now to the most evil Belial, now to life, now to destruction! All-night vigil for the Dormition of the Mother of God. I thank the Lord, who at the very beginning surprised me with His mercy and, instead of cramped conditions, sorrow, bitterness, melancholy, deadness, suddenly bestowed space, peace, sweetness, joy and boldness and life, and I served the entire all-night vigil calmly with the prayers of the Mother of God. Consider other people to be better, kinder, more intelligent than you, and yourself to be worse than everyone else, more sinful, more stupid in a moral sense, for you really are like that and know yourself well, but you don’t know others as well as you know yourself. Which man knows what is in a man except the human spirit that lives in him? [ 1 Corinthians 2:11 ]. If you do this, you will not have frequent reasons to hate and condemn others, for example, colleagues, neighbors, acquaintances and other people, and you will be simple-hearted and peaceful, sincere and respectful towards people. In fact, how many people are in many ways better than us, simpler, sincere, kinder, more compassionate, wiser, more patient, courageous, more temperate, more sober, more chaste, more diligent, more faithful, firmer, more thorough, more insightful, more noble. Feast of the Dormition of the Mother of God. I bitterly blame myself for the fact that late in the evening (at ten o’clock) I greedily (appetite) ate fresh fish soup and boiled and partly fried ruff and perch with black bread; Because of this, at night there was such a strong kindling of fornication that I almost became defiled, only I slain my old man on the cross, and he became humble as if he were dead. Glory to the power of the Cross, taming lust and passion! From now on, never eat any fish or fish soup at night, much less meat food. From mid-July to mid-August there were torrential rains, and at the beginning of these showers and because of them I was subject to a strong scrofulous cough and thinness of face, for scrofula fell on the lungs. But after two weeks the Lord had mercy and the cough went away. Isn’t He who in one night grew leaves, flowers and fruits on Aaron’s dry rod, able in the shortest possible time to restore the fields and pastures of cattle that were withered by the heat or corrupted by excessive moisture? To her. So, pray to Him, our almighty Creator, Father and Provider, in your trouble - and the trouble will pass, pass, and the fields and pastures will abundantly produce seeds for people and grass for livestock, just repent sincerely, cleanse yourself, change for the better, and the Lord will be gracious and merciful to you. I hasten to give thanks to the Lord for the great, sovereign, gracious, swift mercies of the Lord towards me on the day of the Dormition of the Mother of God before the liturgy, when the Lord delivered me from mortal distress, and during the liturgy itself during the cathedral service in the Duma church, and after the liturgy during the prayer service, when ethereal enemies incited me to anger at the rector for imaginary self-importance him. Oh, from how many bitter spiritual deaths the Lord has delivered me by His mercy! And how obedient and quick to obey! And what terrible powers of hell the Lord destroyed in me! Oh, sweet name of the Lord Jesus Christ! Oh, the name of deliverance, redemption, salvation, love and mercy, truth, holiness, peace, strength, light, eternal life, eternal bliss - the name of eternal glory! I thank the Lord for the wondrous powers of salvation that the Lord has revealed in me now: during the early liturgy, many times before the proskomedia now, at the beginning of the liturgy, at the great entrance, before communion and during communion and after communion, during the reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and at the end of mass (the famous money was confused and pressed by terribly envious invisible enemies). I thank the Lord, who accepted my tearful prayer before the second prayer service from the merchant Kulikov in the house of Piminov and who sent me the grace to perform the prayer service sincerely, with animation, with zeal and warmth of heart (the Lord took away the devil’s wickedness regarding Yegor Timofeevich Kulikov, which tormented me extremely and weakened me, disgraced my face, weakened my heart and did not give me speak, pray, praise and thank the Lord). Oh, teach me, Lord, to defeat all the wiles of the demons. I sinned against the Lord: while reading the story in the newspaper, I felt and did not suppress ill-will towards the happy couple and wished evil success to their unkind and evil Hungarian, who was envious of them, who wanted to crush them. I judge myself. Show love to your neighbors, especially to your fellow employees and neighbors. If you lose it, you won’t get it back soon, or you’ll lose it completely. Therefore, sometimes suffer from them the loss of property, and insults, and suspicions, and slander, and other insults. It is better to be offended than to offend someone. The Lord will give everyone their due. Be patient! He sinned: he became indignant in spirit and became angry with the dog and his sister Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova and the children because of their dog, which stained carpets, sheets, blankets, and floors with its excrement, and barely calmed down. I have caused more harm to myself than the animal has done to me, and this is very unreasonable. I damaged the image of God in myself - an immortal being with reckless anger, while the animal only partially damaged the carpet and dirty my feet, or I got dirty because of him, which was soon destroyed. May I continue to be more patient and reasonable, not to be indignant over empty things and not to indignate others. For giving alms to the poor, the Lord rewards me here with rich mercies, even material ones, not only spiritual benefits. And for this, thank the Lord, but don’t lose your future reward! Six days you shall work and do all your work in them, and the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God [Exodus 20:9,10]. If anyone does not want to work, he should not eat [2 Thessalonians 3:10]. Develop thoughts about the benefits, necessity, purpose of labor or doing, about the crime and harm of inaction and laziness (weakness and dullness, mental and physical strength is drowned out). Evening. How I will thank and glorify the Lord for the greatest salvation accomplished in me from the malice and anger that overwhelmed me completely after I heard that young Krisantyev had taken away the black soil sifted at my expense from trusteeship and when then this young man himself appeared at the cathedral, where I went with Colonel [L...] and Pyotr Yakovlev as clerk! I lost my temper again, and in the church itself, in anger, I reviled the said Krisantiev, who remained calm and unperturbed throughout my fury, with various offensive names. I was shocked to the depths, amazed, excited, inflamed by hellish fire that passed through all my bones, into the very depths of my heart. I have now come to consciousness and a sense of my absurd act, my unbridled anger, my impatience over trifles. I entered the altar and began, with tears of repentance, to kiss the throne, or rather, the One sitting on it, asking for great mercy, surpassing all human iniquities, and goodness, not defeated by a single sin of ours, and mercy triumphed over all my untruths and passions, the life of God conquered my death: dark, deadly sins, like smoke, disappeared, my face became enlightened, my heart calmed down, my soul expanded, my strength returned to me, I became a new person. Glory to the miracles of the Lord’s ever-present mercy and power! And from now on I need to be extremely careful, reasonable, meek, patient, impartial. Necessity of labor. We are a body, but in the body all members must and do do their job, their purpose (with each part acting to its own extent) - otherwise the body suffers, hurts, is subject to harmful fullness and weakness, is destroyed, and dies. Man was created for work. By the sweat of your face you will eat bread [Gen.3:19]. The soul is a rational, free, active force, associated with an organic, strong body, capable of many different activities, which strengthens and develops through labor, but weakens and becomes decrepit from laziness. The soul itself, being in spiritual or physical labor, is strengthened, consoled, cleansed, enlightened, and being in inaction and laziness, it relaxes, becomes a playground of passions and the wiles of the devil, is corrupted, darkened, falls into despondency, boredom and melancholy, becomes accustomed to all kinds of sins, for sin does not sleep and fills the idle soul with all sorts of sinful images and passions, bad plans, intentions. Idle people are extremely harmful to society, like alien plants, like parasites, painful growths on the body of society, feeding on its juices, its organic life, its labors. Three and a half hours in the afternoon. I thank the Lord for the two greatest miracles of salvation on this day for my diligent repentance: firstly, during Matins at the end of it while reading the canon (all matins I prayed for salvation from bitterness and hostility towards the Father Superior for his burr, sloppiness, lack of heart, formalism in service; I would need to dispassionately and calmly pray for him with love, covering everything, everything enduring love) and, secondly, after I told my family about the bad reception of my guests last Sunday (when suddenly everything was cleared from the table with a roar), and my family became angry, calling my nephews gossipers; I, having talked a little with them and being extremely embarrassed, went to church and there, diligently and repeatedly in repentance, I fell to the holy throne, asking for infinite Goodness to surpass our untruths and iniquities and forgive our sins and change our hearts from evil to good. The prayer was strong, persistent, dissolved by strong faith and trust in the Lord, and the Lord had mercy, giving me again, instead of confusion and fire, peace and coolness, instead of cramped space, instead of death, life. I thank you for the change in the right hand of the Most High: I found that both my household (at least my wife) had ceased from malice, and my children; their mother sat frowning, not saying a word and doing something. I thank the Lord for this too, because instead of grief at my family, He gave me condescension and instead of hostility, the love of the Gospel, as I asked Him, and my soul became calm and spacious, for before my enemies oppressed me when I came home. Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you [Luke 6:27]. True, Christian, unhypocritical, all-covering, all-enduring love is the true treasure of our soul, our blessedness, our eternal life; she infinitely surpasses all the treasures of the world taken together, for she is the very being of God. God is love [1 John 4:8]. Great treasure is the hidden person of the heart in the incorruptible beauty of a meek and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God [1 Pet. 3:4]. This is what is of great value before God, and not before people who value too much what has no price in the eyes of God, and who often do not value what has a great price in the eyes of God Himself (for example, the beggar). My wife and sister-in-law Anna are extremely mentally ill with envy, malice, pride, pride, stinginess, love of money, carnality, self-will, stubbornness, disobedience, deceit, tyranny, lies and untruths (especially sister-in-law Anna), laziness and laziness, slander, unrighteous reproach, insensibility of one’s sins, unrepentance (only for show, in appearance they repent in order to get rid of the burden and duty of confession), hatred and intransigence towards my relatives and towards those who, although accidentally offended them and did not even have the intention of offending, but said or did something ambiguous, and they took it personally (often happened). But because they are sick, I must treat them extremely carefully and prudently, like a nurse treats sick children, so as not to touch, not to touch alive their sore spots (passions, habits, opinions, false beliefs), and not to be offended at all by them if they remember, get angry, scold me, or make me worse than dirt. Then you need to pray for them: Father! let them go: they don’t know what they’re doing [cf. Luke 23:34]. Mother of God. Quiet light from the holy glory of Thy immortal Son and God, the Holy, Blessed Jesus Christ, O Most Holy Virgin Theotokos, Thou art worthy at all times to be a reverend voice, as the Mother of God and the Intercessor of life, and the Christian race unceasingly glorifies Thee. To what extent Tsvetkova, my sister-in-law, hates my family, conclude from this circumstance: I wanted to invite a Novgorod seminarian and my nephew to visit me, and she shouted: “I will never stay at home (that is, with me), I will take the children and leave.” It was necessary to see this, this female hatred, for no apparent reason fed by Tsvetkova, passed on to the children and long ago communicated to her and my wife, as if they alone should live in the world. God! Look at the reproaches and threats and their hatred towards us, for she hates me too, although I raised her and her children, and gave her in marriage, providing her with a rich dowry. But do not make this a sin for her, for in the blindness of pride and malice the devil does not know what he is doing. After early mass. I thank You, most merciful Lord, for Your immeasurably great mercies towards me, a sinner, revealed before the very service and especially during the service of the Liturgy in the powers of salvation and miraculous deliverance from countless demonic snares, especially after the great entrance, when, through the action of unclean demons, I uncleanly looked with the eyes of my heart at a young woman who was very affectionate towards me with spiritual love, and through this I was mortally wounded and I was troubled in spirit, and especially after the funeral service, at the end of which I did not say separately the entire funeral dismissal and stole the first words, through which, through cowardice and fear of [...] human and demonic, I was mortally wounded and embarrassed and died in spirit, but was resurrected through repentance by the grace of the Holy Sacraments. Glory to the Lord, who delivered me, unworthy, from hell! You secretly or openly become embittered, angry at those who insult and offend you, and the more you offend yourself, for embitterment is not cured by embitterment, but multiplies both in you and in your enemy (or enemies): evil gives birth to evil, just as good produces good. That is why the commandment was given: overcome evil with good [Rom. 12:21], for the power of evil in the end can never withstand the almighty power of good, but is defeated and destroyed. Thus, the faith of Christ conquered the world, which previously only conquered sinful humanity through sin, for who conquers the world? – Only those who believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. So I, insignificant, multi-passionate, overcame countless sins and the devil within myself only by faith in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in His redemptive merits, as today many times during the service of the liturgy and after the liturgy. And how constantly and cunningly the ethereal enemy catches us, how he instantly wounds us, infects our hearts with sin, infuses us with mortal poison, shame, humiliation, strikes us with powerlessness, embarrassment, cramped conditions, and death! But praise the Lord! He unceasingly saves from his wiles all those who call on His name with faith and hope in repentance! Grant me, Lord, to entrust myself in everything to Your all-good, all-wise, omnipotent, vigilant Providence in everything, small and great - and never be faint-hearted, never slavishly fear anyone and not get irritated under unfavorable circumstances or at human malfunctions and insults. Nine o'clock in the evening. Now I have received the greatest mercy from the Lady, having prayed to Her, the Conciliator of the warring, for my wife and her sister Anna, who are unjustly at war against me and against my family, against my nephews and nieces. I felt peace in my soul, before this confusion, and space, before this mortally oppressed. I hope that our enemies will wake up and repent and be reconciled. Oh, how hard it is to live in enmity! God! Have mercy on us: I don’t want this, I don’t want this at all. Crush the hearts and wombs of those at war, so that they may cease from enmity and may seek peace and mutual love. No one lays his hand on the forehead and in vain turns back, he is ruled in the Kingdom of God [Luke 9:62]. Who are these who put their hand on the ralo (plough) and look back? Ralo is the active faith of a Christian. The one who looks back is the Christian who, having made vows to Christ God to renounce Satan in everything, that is, all sin: pride, envy, malice, gluttony, greed, fornication, and all service to him, returns to old sins and remains in them and although he repents, but not sincerely, without a firm intention of correction and is overcome by his sinful habit. Thus, you, who always break fasts and serve your belly as God, look back and are not trustworthy for the Kingdom of God [Luke 9:62], because through intemperance you have paved the way in your heart for every sin: self-love, fornication, envy, pride, hatred, greed, ambition and laziness, drunkenness, unbelief, hard-heartedness and unmercifulness, murmur, impatience. Therefore, I too am one who sees backwards. Alas for me! All the all-merciful, wonderful sight of our Savior Jesus Christ, His incarnation, life on earth with people, all of His teaching, all of His beneficial miracles in the days of His fleshly sojourn, all of His ancient and new countless miracles, suffering and death for us on the cross, His resurrection and ascension to heaven and His all-wonderful providence for His Church to this day vouch for the fact that He will not destroy us, but will save and save us. He will have mercy if we are faithful to Him and begin to lead our lives in repentance and virtue; He will not leave us or forsake us, no matter what disasters befall the world lying in evil. Behold, I am with you, He says, always to the end of the age [Matthew 28:20]. Morning. I thank the Lord, who, through fervent prayer of my repentance, delivered me from the all-poisonous and all-destructive sting of the demons, the sting of anger towards the abbot for the hasty and careless service of Matins to them (there was no Midnight Office). The adversary stung me all morning, although at the end the sting weakened greatly after my secret, short prayer to God. What nonsense! Can anger correct the evil, laziness, negligence and other sins of others? Will not greater evil happen - naturally, according to the law of consequences? And should I correct my elder, who is twenty years older, and the abbot? Is this not impudence on my part, excessive pretentiousness? Love covers everything, endures everything, never falls away. After Matins, after new repentance and falling to the throne and kissing it with faith and hope, the Lord delivered me from satanic poison. May anger not return to me forever, not even for a single moment. Grant, Lord! Friday. Today, during Matins, Satan strongly scorched me with his hellish sting, just as he fried my insides in a frying pan over the sluggish, sloppy, cold service of Matins by the rector, Father Paul (he always serves like this, perhaps partly due to weakness and temptation from the evil one, or because this was not given to him from above for love of money or unbelief and lack of faith); I felt an involuntary anger towards him, extreme hostility and almost contempt, in which I seriously sinned, violating the main principle of the law of God - love, which is the only thing needed, and it is remarkable that the abbot, despite his weaknesses, and coldness in service, and neglect, and lion-proud equanimity - is gentle and patient, calm, which is important dignity in general in a person, and especially in a priest, while impatience, indignation and anger in him are the greatest sin, making him unworthy of serving the all-good God and the King of the world. At the beginning, before reading the canon, when I fervently prayed to the Lord for deliverance from hostility, they retreated from me, and instead of cramped conditions, fire and death, I felt a stream of life and peace, but soon, while reading the canon, the enemy again broke and inclined my heart to hostility and then retreated, then advanced, scorching me, until at the end of Matins I went to the lower aisle of the Intercession and there fell to the throne grace with sincere repentance, and God delivered from the underworld. This war of malice happened to me because of yesterday’s gluttony and satiety: the soil of the heart has become extremely susceptible to passions. And it is necessary to cover with love the voluntary and involuntary shortcomings and errors and omissions of the abbot and with love, meekness and kindness to pray to God for him: the Lord will open his mouth and proclaim His praise, and through him God will be glorified and people will be edified, and consoled, and confirmed in faith and piety. The main thing is to be strong with love, kindness, patience and not at all be tempted by hostility and enmity, which does not correct, but only increases evil and makes hellish fire from the spark of sin. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the devil’s malice. May God grant you to get rid of gluttony and satiety, this everyday trap of the devil. You see the speck in your brother’s eye, but you don’t see the beam in your own [Matthew 7:3]. Oh, sinful blindness! Oh self-love, oh pride, oh malice! I thank the Lord for the greatest deliverance of me, indecent in the apartment of Ivan Ilyichov, during the memorial service for his daughter in the morning (served without a deacon) from the charming intrigues of the devil, from the confusion and stumbling blocks of the enemy, and for giving strength and courage to my heart to perform the unstumbling memorial service. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the deadly wiles of the devil - from cramped conditions and sorrow in Peter’s Garden, when I went to the director of the gymnasium: because of grief at the beggars who importunately followed me, the enemy entered my heart and tightly pressed, crushed, tormented me, but for repentance and faith with inner prayer, the Lord delivered me and gave me peace and freedom. Then the Lord sovereignly saved me through a prayer of repentance and strong faith at the entrance to the apartment of the priest P. P. Preobrazhensky: I was also irritated and embittered at the beggar who followed me, to whom I finally wanted to give money, but he left (he often asks). To love God with all your heart means to fulfill (do) His will in everything and not give room in your heart to your sinful, ungodly, destructive, corrupt will, to go opposite to what it wants, seeks, demands. Today's incident at the memorial service in Ilyichov's new duckweed, when I took pity on the duckweed when I was leaving, so that it wouldn't become heavy from the incense smoke, 84 I was terribly stung by the murderer's serpent and repented for a long time, and God's mercy healed me, forgiving me for my addiction to clothes. This is idolatry. From now on, do not spare anything in prayer and consider everything as dirt 85, as rubbish, for every earthly addiction corrupts the soul, kills, and confuses it. Resurrection. Last night at dinner at Father Paul's I overfilled the cup of my body with food (but not drink), very tasty and nutritious, and at night there was a prodigal defilement through the cunning of evil spirits, who tempted me while I was sleeping with a prodigal dream (the [principal's] daughter Catherine introduced herself), and I became desecrated; Getting out of bed, I prayed with tears to the All-Holy and the Lover of Mankind, and He granted me purification, sanctification and peace. Glory to the Lord! The reason for the temptation was the warm blanket, which softened the flesh. How carefully you need to eat and drink and especially avoid very nutritious and stimulating foods. Evil demons teach me and swear to constantly insult the grace of the Holy Spirit, living in me, by addiction to earthly goods: money, food and clothing and jewelry - and thereby humiliate God Himself, who wants to live in our hearts and is driven out by our addictions, our idolatry of flesh and blood. Despise the flesh and the world that passes away like a dream and its lust, in order to love God completely. After the removal of Ilyichov’s daughter, the widow Lyubov Kavina. Oh, what corruption there was in the soul after the night’s desecration, what spiritual weakness, what instability in the temptations of Satan when performing prayers! Death, death in the soul and in the body, hellish fire! But how limitless is God’s mercy! When the corruption of sin drowned me and killed my soul, I strongly began to cry out to the Lord for mercy and salvation, for the manifestation of the strength of His mercy in me, and - oh, miracle of miracles! “The Lord extended a helping hand to me, a stinking dead man, and delivered me, cleansed me, revived me, strengthened me. Glory to the God of mercy and bounty! When performing the litany over the deceased in Ilyichov’s house, I was again frightened by the devil’s monster from the addiction to clothes, from the pity of the silk cassock, from the empty, stupid fear that she would become overworked 86 (ugh, you damned charmer!), and did not say the release, missing the most necessary words: in the villages of the righteous he will do, in the depths of Abraham he will rest and with the righteous He will count, and he will have mercy on us... Fill with Your grace, O Lord, what is lacking and complete the 87 prayer with Your mercy. And teach everything that is precious and beautiful on earth, O Lord, to be reduced to decay and dust and rubbish and not to cleave to anything forever except You, the real life! I thank the Lord, who accepted the prayer of repentance and in His name delivered me from the devil’s wiles and oppression. I thank the Lord for the perfect service with the bishop and priests, hieromonks, deacons, subdeacons and others, and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, and for the cleansing of the dark night voluptuousness. I thank the Lord for his help in the baptism of a baby from a fellow countryman in Tsepov’s house after Vespers, performed briefly, and after a rich dinner with wines at the Commercial Club (I was only embarrassed because of the torn Trebnik), and for the prayer services performed at Arkhip Kononov and at the widow in Shkiperskaya Street; There, because of the thought of money, I was very embarrassed and did not say the prayer, the litany exclamations and the dismissal... Then I repented, asking for forgiveness from the Lord, and completed the prayer privately, with other prayers read aloud. The Lord has pacified me. God bless! During Matins, ten times the Lord delivered me from the fierce wiles of the devil, which befell me because of yesterday’s intemperance at a magnificent, luxurious dinner with the bishop and the Grand Duke and Princess at the head after the foundation of the House of Diligence in the Commercial Assembly. How the soul weakens after gluttony and the contented consumption of wine! What deadly ulcers it covers, from which only omnipotent grace can heal! How many times has the Lord given me, killed by the wiles of the devil during Matins, how many times, I say, has the Lord given me restoration, new life! How destructive is intemperance! How great is God’s mercy, how powerful is the redemptive grace of God! During mass, which I performed in extreme physical relaxation from little sleep, the Lord encouraged me with His grace and delivered me again from the numerous snares of the devil, which were killing me and suppressing my spirit with despondency and extreme sorrow! I fell before the throne of grace with faith and hope - and was not ashamed even once. He received life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. I read the prayer behind the pulpit with sincerity and animation, and said my leave calmly, with dignity, with feeling, without stumbling! Glory to the Lord! Great is His mercy! During prayer, the following conditions are necessary in order for the prayer to be pleasing to God and fruitful for the soul, so that: 1) with the mind clearly understand the meaning and power of each word of the prayer, 2) with the heart to sympathize (or turn away) with what is being said [...], in a word, to pray willingly and not forcedly, and 3) with the will to strive with all our might to avoid sin or to do virtue, that is, to cut off one’s own sinful, corrupt will and to fulfill the will of God, and 4) so that in the heart there is no guile, double-mindedness, any passion or addiction, for example, rancor, greed - in a word, pray with a pure heart. Such a prayer is a godly prayer. If the Holy Spirit is everywhere and fills everything, then how do we say: come and dwell in us? 88 Does this mean that He does not fill everything everywhere and does not fill everything, if He does not exist and does not exist in us, and why does He not always exist in us? Like God, the Holy Spirit is indeed essential everywhere, but not everywhere graciously and effectively, for in a sinner, as long as he is a sinner, the Holy Spirit is not, that is, in his heart, but the devil is the author of sin in him, but what kind of fellowship does righteousness have with lawlessness?..., between light and darkness? [ 2 Corinthians 6:14 ]. But the Holy Spirit rests in all sinners who live righteously or who sincerely repent and who cleanse themselves by repentance. However, the creative, life-giving and omnipotent power, although not dwelling and communication, also touches the sinner, supporting his physical life and containing in the order of action all his organs, as in animals and in all nature, containing the order of all organs and laws of being, but the highest, sanctifying, revitalizing and renewing the spirit and body of the power of the Holy Spirit is not in the sinner: he lives an animal life, carnal, bestial. That is why we, sinners, call on the Holy Spirit: come and dwell in us, for we drive Him away by our sins. Carnal, hypocritical love is not worthy of the name of love as it is false and ephemeral, for it lasts only as long as the person carnally loved is healthy, young, beautiful, and as soon as it gets sick, turns ugly or grows old, love or, better yet, low self-love ceases, for someone who loves someone carnally loves him because he gives him carnal pleasure, coarse, animal pleasure; as soon as he is not there, then love ceases. So often they love a rich person as long as he is rich, and when he becomes poor and in need, then love disappears, for an imaginary friend does not love the beloved himself, but his money - which means he loves his own benefit in him, and not his, his pleasure. Tuesday. This day is the day of the greatest mercies of the Lord Jesus Christ to me: during Matins, during the extremely strong, evil machinations of the devil, during murderous violence, the Lord repeatedly delivered me for repentance and faith from the villainy of the devil, especially after the great litany, at which I could not calmly utter exclamations of violence to the enemy due to being carried away by the new red cassock, which I put on at the wrong time; Then, after Matins, the Lord repeatedly delivered the enemy from the violence. During mass, the Lord revealed His strength in me, especially after the great entrance, when the enemy was crowded and my heart was deadened, then after the cry of “First Remember, Lord,” at which the devil knocked me down through the deacon’s censing; finally, after the funeral service, at which, while saying the dismissal, I hid, out of passion and embarrassment, the last words of the dismissal: He will do in the villages of the righteous, He will rest in the bowels of Abraham, and will count with the righteous. I died in soul after concealing and not pronouncing these words as a result of the small incense smoke, which I feared, lest it would spoil my golden cross and new sacristan (oh, madness!)... I must certainly pronounce all the church words, they are the spirit and the belly, while my thoughts and passions are death. Upon arriving home, the enemy filled me with grief at Anna Petrovna Fedorova, who asked me to urgently write a letter to priest P.P. Preobrazhensky about his son Peter. He repented earnestly - and got rid of death, and went to a real school for the act. Tuesday. I confess the sovereign mercies of the Lord, manifested in me now before the liturgy, during and after the liturgy; before the liturgy and during the liturgy, the enemy, with extreme, hellishly evil persistence, forced, crushed, tormented me with melancholy, despondency, humiliation, shame (because of twenty kopecks), but the Lord, through my prayer, destroyed his machinations, taking away the oppression, sorrow, despondency, shame and giving peace, freedom, boldness, importance and greatness; The Lord especially wonderfully and graciously delivered me from the devil’s despondency and cowardly melancholy before reading the prayer for the destruction of sedition (because of twenty kopecks), then after the great entrance, then after the cry of First Remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod, after the pulpit and dismissal, after the requiem service for Korenev. Before consuming the Holy Gifts and earlier, during mass, I had to shudder and shift quite a bit. But thank God, who did not disgrace me and those close to me through me. I am not writing in detail; it is imperative to write the root causes of certain temptations, and not just temptations, otherwise the temptations themselves will be incomprehensible during such a high service; the whole reason for temptations, worries, cramped conditions, deaths is in everyday addictions to famous persons, to money, to clothes, food, decorations and distinctions, or in envy, pride, malice and bitterness, rancor, and so on. How calm, contented, and blessed I am when I am united with God, serving Him with a pure heart, alien to any earthly attachment and any passion, and how confused, worried, languishing I am, how dissatisfied with myself, gloomy, bound, irritated I am when I am tempted by some mental sin! Away with all earthly aphids, albeit shining ones, corrupting my immortal soul, so that I will always be entirely in the Lord. Glory to the life-giving Cross - the destruction of my passions, for with the cross I trample upon the frenzied passions that rise up against me, especially voluptuousness, both day and night. Sometimes the fear of a fire in the neighborhood of householders with us, who have piles of firewood in their yard, comes over me, but then I think: I have a strong, vigorous, vigilant guardian of my material property - my Lord, Whom I serve (and unless I allow myself to be consumed by the flames of sin), and the Most Pure Mother of God, Whom I constantly honor and glorify and to Whom I always resort, and especially in misfortunes, sorrows, illnesses and in every circumstance. They are my guardians and guardians. Yes it will be. Amen. After Matins. I thank the Lord and the Lady, who heard my prayer before Matins (when I saw the abbot going to Matins and was embarrassed) about bold, peaceful, [...] service, for although at the beginning the enemy confused me when speaking the dismissal and litanies at the Midnight Office, but at the Great Litany and throughout the rest of Matins, the Lord wonderfully strengthened me, pacified me, revived, and I performed the entire Matins with grace, forgetting both the abbot and all the temptations. Glory to God, who did not disgrace my hope! Glory to the Lady! After mass in the cemetery Trinity Church (cathedral). Before mass and during mass and after it, the murderous tightness and pressure from the spirits of malice (against the Father Superior) aroused in me an involuntary, strong anger, which I could hardly overcome by repentance and zealous invocation of the name of Christ. He received communion in a very, very life-giving way, but soon the dark cloud of demonic malice came over again. Oh, evil skill! Oh, depraved, multi-passionate heart! But glory to the invincible goodness of the Lord, which destroyed in me every work of my enemies and human beings - the spirits of evil! The cross is a killer of passions in faithful Christians, and for others, like me, it is the feeder of the passions of ambition and vanity, for we desire shiny golden crosses on beautiful ribbons and thereby feed our pride, vanity, ambition, love of gold! Did Jesus Christ, the apostles, the martyrs, the saints have such crosses? They stained them with their suffering blood, and we sometimes wear golden crosses on expensive scarlet ribbons and imagine that we are crusaders, although some of us have never touched a real cross with a finger. I thank the Lord for the mercy granted to me at the funeral service at the Agathonovs through my prayer of repentance; I thank the Lord for the mercy of deliverance from the voluptuous movements of my heart and flesh in the evening. What bliss is higher, stronger than the bliss of being with God and enjoying peace, self-satisfaction, heavenly bliss on earth? What prevents us from always being in communication with Him? – Our passions, our pride, love for the flesh and excessive caressing, sparing it, but those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. I thank the Lord for protecting me with the power of the cross during the night from unclean dreams of the devil and from fornication, which defile my soul and body. After Matins. The evil serpent plunged the abyss of hellish fire into my heart after the great litany, putting into my heart a secret and unrighteous anger towards the reader Michael because of his voice, which I did not like when singing Lord, have mercy and other prayers, irmos and songs. Only through fervent prayer of repentance did I get rid of the name of the Lord from his destructive jaws, with which he consumed me, the many-passionate one. This is because of yesterday’s satiety at the Semyonovs’ semi-annual funeral for their brother Nikolai. Great is the mercy of God, great is God’s intercession and deliverance for me! Three and a half hours in the afternoon. I thank the Lord for the mercy that has now been accomplished by His ineffable goodness in me and deliverance from the former relaxation of the flesh and heart. Oh, the Lord has cleansed and established me. How great is the happiness, the blessing of being shown mercy by the Lord! What peace, like a river in the soul! What lightness! What space! What audacity! I thank the Lord, who broke all the efforts of Belial to devour me during the mass of his malice and crushed his hellish jaws. The monotonous singing of the sexton, Lord, have mercy, was extremely disliked and, through the action of the devil, aroused murderous hostility towards him! But the Lord reflected it from my heart through my prayer. After Vespers. I thank the Lord for the gift of deliverance and peace, confirmation during Vespers and especially Compline and boldly speaking the dismissal and the final litany. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the all-night vigil, full of God’s mercies for me, revealed in deliverance from the bitter temptations of the devil and in the granting of peace, freedom, boldness, strength, spiritual triumph over demons. I thank the Lord, who sent me deliverance at home after the all-night vigil, when I slipped into sin with the thoughts of my heart and therefore was wounded, wounded in my heart and died in spirit; after secret repentance, I was healed, revived, consoled, and peaceful. Glory to the Lord for all good things, who became known to me especially through His salvation. After early [mass] (for the rector of the Duma Church). Seriously, today at mass the devil gave me a hellish bath, in which he almost strangled me, and for what reason? Because of the remembrance of sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov, which was very long, which I was very upset about, and most importantly, after I found out that it was Bystryakov’s and, therefore, free. (Oh, my insane love of greed! Oh, my unlove, oh, partiality! Are we not all one body and one spirit in the Lord [Eph. 4:4]?) This enraged me, and a hellish tightness became inside me, depressing, killing the soul. I repented, accused myself of self-love, greed, dislike, hostility, hatred of a colleague, but due to bodily weakness and mental tightness, powerlessness, I could not completely overcome this ungodly feeling, although I calmed down somewhat. The whole trouble came from eating fish with black bread last night and burdening my sides from the multiplication of life seeds and from being burdened with them. Oh, damned flesh, damned old man! From now on, despise the womb, all oral and sexual sweetness, all self-interest, all adornment, all beauty of face, all earthly beauty, all tinsel, all human fears, all earthly, transitory, terrifying grandeur! One God is great! He alone is truth, sweetness, beauty, strength, eternal power. Fornicator. So, foolish and ungrateful, do you pervert the all-good, all-wise, pure intentions of the Most Pure Creator and use for your own desecration and corruption those tools given to you by the Creator, which are intended for the creation of children and the multiplication of the human race, so that the number of fallen angels in the Kingdom of God will be filled? You satanize yourself and others, make them unclean, but remember who is unclean. I thank the Lord, who delivered me three times during the all-night vigil at the beginning from the fierce sorrows of sin. Resurrection. I served early mass with God's help in weakness of spirit, with a constant invocation of God's mercy, and this mercy soon came to me incessantly. Received life-giving communion; I read the pulpit cordially and solemnly. There was a terribly serious temptation after mass and prayer service, when I secretly became embittered at the sexton for reminding him about the child Alexander Shlyapnikov regarding his confession and communion in church after the end of mass; Only through deep repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries did I get rid of hellish oppression and torment of the devil. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of prayers with Khrzhanovsky in the mine workshop and with Alex. Fedorovich Fedorov, where the enemy strongly seduced him; I thank the Lord for his help during the christening at Rebrov’s, especially during the wedding, which I performed without stumbling, but after the wedding, during the prayer service, the enemy caught me and terribly wounded me, killing me through an unclean look at the full breasts of the beautiful bride; By falling to the throne in unfeigned repentance in the altars of Peter and St. Andrew, with faith and hope that grace is stronger than sin, I was honored with wondrous pardon, deliverance, peace, freedom, righteousness, boldness and glorified the Lord, quick in mercy. The priest must be all heavenly when serving God and nothing earthly in himself and think neither about the noble and glorious and rich of this world, nor about any charming beauty, nor about money, nor about food and clothing; the slightest thought of earthly addiction kills the soul; and indeed, what is more precious, more glorious, sweeter, more beautiful than God, and for whom does he who clings to earthly things exchange Him? - To dust, and he himself, having been the image of God, becomes dust. I created the whole mind of dust... 90; You are earth and you will go back to earth [Gen.3:19]. The time of early mass was a terrible temptation for me today - the temptation of hostility and anger towards sexton Mikhail Al. Bystryakov because of the most empty reason: first before mass because of his helpfulness, which seemed to me cloying and ingratiating, but this hostility passed away from intense repentance, and the Lord changed my heart from malice to kindness and meekness; but then the spirit of malice caught me partly during the great litany and finally during the litany before the Cherubim: then it poured into my heart with its malice and drowned me, and I, like one drowned in malice, was terribly worried, broke down, shrank, shifted and could hardly serve from excitement; could hardly receive Holy Communion with some calmness; served extremely loudly, in opposition to the enemy, who was making me mute; he sang the funeral service loudly; After the funeral service, with great difficulty, by the inexpressible mercy of Christ our God, he freed himself from the spirits of malice and was pacified in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I think that, by the way, this misfortune came from my treat at Khodasevich’s name day and from kissing [adultery 91] K.I. Morgasov, from giving his hand to gamblers at parting - thus, as it were, complicity with them. Foggy morning, very warm! I thank the Lord, who forgave me the sin of voluptuous kissing and hugging and gave me the grace to read prayers with sincere feeling for the mother in labor and the baby in the house of Moses. Irmos of the 9th song of the canon, 6th tone. General Troparion to the Saint, tone 8. Creation (church glory) – re-creation, renewal. Punishment (church glory) – admonition, edification, instruction. At Vespers, the first prayer of the lamp. Ore (obsolete) – i.e. reddish-brown, get rich - turn brown. Clay (Church Glav.) – clay, dirt; dust, ashes. Commit (church glory) – to establish, strengthen; complete, complete, make perfect. Prayer to the Holy Spirit “Heavenly King.” Troparion of the 2nd song of the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete, sung on Monday of the First Week of Great Lent. Adultery (French) – adultery.