Сентябрь 1879 г.

In a sleepy dream, adultery happened to me, to which my wife herself (the devil in her image) was an accomplice in the dream (not in reality), who curtained the windows in broad daylight from human gaze. Am I the only one who's afraid of people's gaze? And the gaze of God, which ripens all hearts? And the eyes of the Lord, are the suns brighter than the sun? Oh, corruption of the human heart! Sin is so strong in us and in me especially, that if it were not for the fear and shame of people, I would have committed a grave sin long ago, I would have corrupted myself long ago! And this is because of the enjoyment of meat food, fruits, sweet tea! God! Have mercy on me and again! Save me, Lord, from all sin henceforth. From September 1 to 7 I was at the congress of the diocesan clergy at the Nevsky School; At this time, in my free hours, I lived with relatives and walked around St. Petersburg. I thank the Lord, who was the God of my salvation all these days, especially on September 1 at two o’clock in the afternoon, when I was riding in a horse-drawn carriage and, through a prayer of repentance, received a wonderful pardon from the One who searched my heart and womb with peace and freedom in my soul, but before that there was melancholy and tightness in my soul! I thank the Lord, who gave me the courage to say a useful and fair word in the meeting of deputies about fair gratitude to the board of trustees for the students of the Alexander Nevsky School being dismissed from the school. So now the Lord saved me for repentance from the inner impurity of my heart. Only you listen to your prayer, and God listens. After early mass in the Duma Church. I thank the Lord with all my heart, for He has honored me with the abundance of His grace, since sin has increased in me from long non-service (I was at the congress for a whole week) and from excessive enjoyment of food and drink. I was weak in heart and fearful, but the Lord sent me boldness and strength to perform the Liturgy, excluding some sayings that the adversary the devil had long ago stolen from my heart and does not allow me to pronounce them, but I am able in the Lord and will overcome him, for the Lord is strong in helping me; By the grace of God, I received Holy Communion in a life-giving way; I read the pulpit sincerely, warmly, graciously, without stumbling; I also read the word sincerely, strongly (with much strength). After mass at the prayer service, he read the Gospel of the Theotokos graciously, touchingly, and said his entire dismissal. The grave temptation that happened to me regarding the entry of the archpriest’s father into the income book in my name [in vain], was overcome by repentance and the blood of Jesus Christ. I dared to scold the archpriest at the altar as an old greedy, crazy, money-lover who rushes at everyone like a beast. Having met him, by the grace of God I treated him very gently, and all my anger melted away like wax. I find that I have a lot of very sensitive pride in me, and it intensifies especially from overeating and drinking, eating sweets; from fasting, prayer, communion of the Holy Mysteries, from constant labor, self-love becomes dull, crucified, as if dying. In the Nevsky Monastery, during the liturgy, antiphons are sung briefly every day; at the requiem service, before the last litany for the deceased, the primate in the service reads aloud the funeral prayer to the God of spirits and all flesh... in general, in the city parish churches, except for St. Isaac's Cathedral, the service is performed carelessly, quickly, with large absences. Last week, while I was in St. Petersburg at a convention and visiting relatives, on Wednesday and Friday I allowed myself, damn it, to eat meat, cabbage soup, milk, eggs and drink wine. What came of this? I developed an extreme disposition towards the unclean movements of my flesh and spirit, in a word, a passionate disposition. I have caused myself the greatest moral harm, a moral loss, about which I must cry and which I must compensate for with constant abstinence, prayer, repentance, self-mortification, and labor. Lord, have mercy! Lord, have mercy! Lord, have mercy! After the all-night vigil on September 8th for Sunday. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness during the all-night vigil and the stumbling-free service, although there were temptations from the adversary; I read the Gospel touchingly, warmly, missing, however, four words involuntarily and due to temptation from the enemy; he pronounced his dismissal without stumbling; I used firmness in the fight. But in the first hour, I stole the release somewhat, saying it while the choristers were singing Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit... Lord, have mercy three times, and for this stealth I fell under the painful yoke of the devil, lost peace and freedom, boldness, was wounded by the sting of the serpent, became irritable because of it, severe... Having come home, I prayed earnestly in repentance Lord and received sweet forgiveness from the Lord, peace, freedom, boldness. Glory to God, my good servant! After mass. I thank the Lord, who has granted me a great victory over the spiritual serpent, who trampled on me for more than twenty years during the liturgy, especially on holidays, at the great entrance, and on this day I am defeated by the grace of Christ. I completed the entire mass without stumbling, although not without a stubborn struggle, and received the life-giving communion of the most pure Mysteries of Christ (before communion, some hostility towards the abbot came over me, which I overcame through repentance and self-condemnation and the grace of Christ). I read the prayer behind the pulpit cordially and said goodbye completely. How good it is for the soul on which the Lord mounted as on a horse, for the Lord’s provision is salvation for the soul that loves Him. But if the Lord does not sit on someone, then the devil sits on him and rides on him, constantly forcing him to do the will of his adversary. There can be no middle way. He who is not with the Lord is against Him, and he who does not gather with Him scatters [Matthew 12:30]. You don’t go to church, you don’t pray with the faithful - you are not with the Lord, but against the Lord, like an infidel; you do not read the word of God - again you are against the Lord, and not with the Lord. You do not do good deeds - again you are not with the Lord, but against Him. You do not correct your heart, your life, you do not abandon bad inclinations, habits, sins - you are again against the Lord, you are His opponent, His adversary. I accuse myself with all the power of my thought, with all the power of my feeling, with all the strength of my will, for every sin I have committed in word, deed, thought, feeling, example, omission, inattention, negligence, laziness. God! I thank You with all my heart, for You surprised me with Your salvation this morning during Your morning service, taking away from my heart the death of sin that came from my unrighteous anger towards the poor. I repented before the throne of Your glory, condemned myself, asking for mercy, and You revived me, killed by my sins - gluttony, satiety, mental fornication, self-love, ambition, pride, love of money, stinginess, greed, envy, my hardness of heart, my laziness. Evening. Eleven o'clock. I thank the Lord for His immeasurably great mercy towards me, for He delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the great storm and the greatest excitement and confusion of my soul and whole being, from the scorching fire and the tightness of hell, which befell me after the hieromonk of the Khutyn Monastery Nikon told me that the brother of Deacon Poletaev Theogen submitted a petition to Archpriest Paul to accept him, Poletaev, into the clergy. I was irritated by this and spoke many judgmental and condemnatory words in absentia about the abbot, Father Paul, of which I later repented. But when I asked the abbot if it was true that you were taking Poletaev, he gave a negative answer. I was misled by Father Nikon regarding Poletaev and the abbot. I often fall into error regarding the rector of the cathedral and my boss, having a bad idea about him and blaming him for his shortcomings, weaknesses, quirks, stinginess and excessive frugality. Often I was sure that he was a malicious person, unjust, for example regarding the sexton Zrelov, whom he dismissed from his position for his misdeeds. Zrelov is really to blame. If I were in the place of the dean, I would not have tolerated him until now and would have removed him from his place long ago. Meanwhile, the abbot tolerated him for a long time. I sinned gravely before the Lord by laughing madly when the speech of the gymnasium inspector Tsvetkov was about the conversation between the court archpriest Rozhdestvensky and the chief prosecutor Count Dmitry Tolstoy about the transfer of the archpriest Theologian from the Archangel Moscow Cathedral to the Assumption Cathedral and when Rozhdestvensky, having received the consent of the chief prosecutor and received a remark: like others the members of the Synod will agree, he said: I will get along with those. Here, out of servility, I laughed loudly, but my thought was the humiliation of the leading member of the Synod, Metropolitan Isidore. I sinned gravely by ridiculing the foremost hierarch of the Russian Church. Forgive me, Lord, who repents. May your soul, Hierarch of God, forgive me my sin. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ God, who surprised me this day with a miracle of mercy and revival in the morning, after Matins, when in repentance and heartfelt prayer I kissed with my heartfelt lips the throne of Your glory in the Intercession chapel of our church. My sin was that I had in my heart envy, zeal and hostility towards the successive priest Alexander for his money-loving, selfish tricks, as I thought, with the widow old woman Matrona Dolganova, who gave at the disposal of him (or the rector) two hundred rubles of money for memorial services and burial and the magpie after her death, which she wanted to give to me. And I fell into love of money and hostility, and a scorching fire enveloped me, sorrow and distress, but when I sincerely repented, the Lord forgave my sin and miraculously revived me, obviously, quickly. Glory to Your long-suffering and mercy, O Lord! Glory to Thy good obedience and prompt obedience, Thy kindness and goodness, O Lord! If we do not serve God internally or internally and externally, at home or publicly - in the church and in homes, then we certainly serve the flesh and sin and, therefore, the devil. It is better and necessary to serve God, which is why the Apostle commands: Pray without ceasing [1 Thess. 5:17]. The soul cannot be completely idle, it is constantly in action, either good or evil, for it is an active force, even in a dream it acts either in the flesh or in the spirit, depending on what it is doing in reality: spiritual or carnal. Oh, what a blessing it is to serve God! With all my saved soul I thank my Lord Jesus Christ, my merciful Savior, for yesterday before the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church I was struck by incorporeal enemies with infirmity, powerlessness and death of the heart for my gluttony and gluttony, and when I cried out to the Lord in repentance in my heart for the deliverance and revival of my soul, He miraculously and quickly revived me: I felt strength in myself, freedom, peace, boldness, and my voice became strong and clear. Then again, repeatedly, through temptations and slander, the enemy killed me, but again, for repentance and looking to Him with firm faith and prayer, [the Lord] saved me. Meat-eating and eating fatty pies are especially harmful to me: meat-eating [causes] coarseness to the heart. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great mercy during the late liturgy in the Assumption Church by bestowing grace and strength to perform it with warmth of heart and tears of tenderness; I thank you for the stumbling-free performance of the great entrance, the nourishment of the prayer behind the pulpit, the speaking of the sermon, the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal. I received Holy Communion in a very life-giving way. I thank the Lord, who soon surprised me with His mercy after the Grechukhin prayer service in the apartment of Ekaterina Mikhailovna Lebedeva, when the thought of self-interest deprived me of peace, freedom, and space. I thank the all-merciful Lord, who marked this day at its very beginning with mercies towards me, a sinner, for he took away sorrow and oppression from my heart at the beginning of Matins, when I repented of my severity, obstinacy and cruelty towards the poor who met me with their requests, then for my repentance he took away from my heart rancor and hostility towards Vladyka Metropolitan Isidore, eighteen years ago, who received me extremely harshly and humiliatingly (according to my deeds). I have a lot of self-love and pride! But we must joyfully accept humiliation, reproach, annoyance, and persecution, for this heals the old man, who is decaying in the lusts of his delusions. The Lord also healed me from a wounded heart upon seeing the alien kindness of a maiden passing by, beautifully adorned by the Creator; I repented of my delusion that I did not look with my heart [eyes] at the all-beautiful Creator, the Author of all beauty in creatures, at His incorruptible, holy, incomparable, eternal beauty, and at the soul of man, created in the image and likeness of God, which gives beauty to the body, but looked at the corruptible body, which is earth and dust, and was deceived by the body. O voluptuousness! Oh madness! What I did was bad, criminal: yesterday on the Exaltation of the Cross (Lent) in the evening I ate caviar with a bun: it gives off a strong heat and fornication in the body, it strengthens strongly, burns. I shouldn’t eat caviar, or even fish, unless it’s rare and extremely small. Resurrection. I thank, glorify and exalt my Lord and God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave me great and rich mercy during the service of the all-night vigil and early mass in the gift of tearful tenderness, unfailing service and the wonderful saturation of my soul with His heavenly grace. He received communion of the most pure, life-giving Mysteries in a life-giving, renewing, victorious manner. Glory to Thee, Lord, Conqueror of death! Glory to Thee, ineffable Mercy, invincible by the cruelest sins, by the sins of all people. I thank the Lord for His great, rich and speedy mercy, which was shown to me many times during the early liturgy: once during the wounding and confusion of my heart due to grief at Deacon Poletaev for his careless treatment of me during the service; I repented of my grief in the depths of my soul, condemned myself for impatience and suspicion, and the Lord released me from sorrow and distress, delivered me from the scorching fire, shame and powerlessness of the heart; another time - during sacrament, when I was upset with sexton Zrelov for his hasty singing; I was especially upset with him and after communion of the Holy Mysteries I called him (out loud) a lazy horse in the hearing of the deacon; sinned with insolence, malice and impatience; Because of this, I suffered for a long time with grief and cramped conditions almost until the evening, and it was hard for me in the gymnasium. At the end of classes, going to a prayer service, I repented with all my heart of my sins along the way, and the Lord surprised me with His mercy, conquered the abyss of my evils with the abyss of His mercy. If anyone wants to come after Me, turn away from yourself [Matthew 16:24]. Deny yourself, your pride, your passions, sinful inclinations, inclinations, habits, hate every sin living in you, and love the truth, only the truth. Whoever wants to save his soul will lose it, and whoever loses his soul for the sake of Me and the Gospel will save it [Mark 8:35]. You often take care of your earthly life in an extremely inappropriate way, neglecting your heavenly, spiritual, holy life, for example, when you are very sparing of your body and soul, not forcing yourself to pray, go to church or at home, when you love to eat and drink a lot and sweetly or sleep for a long time, when, having good incomes, you are stingy and inflexible in giving alms, when you generally take care of yourself, not daring to decisively fight the passions living in your soul, but how you would spare them, give them a place in yourself; when you don’t stand for the truth and don’t fight untruth, violence, for fear of getting into trouble, the danger of losing your place, name, location of strong and rich people, and so on. But if you lose your life for the truth, you will save it for eternity; This is how the apostles, prophets, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries, all the saints saved their souls. I thank the Lord, who many times saved me from my sins with their distress during Matins and after that throughout the whole day and comforted me with His merciful deliverance. I thank the Lady, who gave me tears of sweet tenderness when reading the canon to Her (Hodegetria for Wednesday). Hate every sin with all the strength of your soul as abomination, as madness, as absurdity, ugliness, as death, as darkness, as hell, although it always tries to seem charming and fascinating; you have experienced twenty million times how flattering and disastrous he is. With all your heart, love holiness, truth, simplicity, the wisdom of God, purity, chastity, self-control, kindness, meekness, long-suffering, obedience. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His usual mercy during Matins, when I, thinking about the great advantage of the rector in receiving income and salary, envied him and therefore received an ulcer and tightness in my soul, and then, when I sincerely repented of this, recognizing my share as very sufficient and even excessive and recognizing that my treasure is and must be the Lord alone, in whom are all the treasures of eternal and temporal life, I I received forgiveness and calmed down completely. He served Mass with great tenderness, with copious tears, and with them he propitiated the Lord, who was angered every day by my sins, especially gluttony and wine drinking. Yesterday I visited the merchant Lebedev and, by the way, drank wine. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my repentance from bitter, fierce anger towards my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna because she spread a bad smell throughout all the rooms with her ointment (on her hand). When I sincerely condemned myself for the ruin of the entire law of God, which consists of love, and asked with all my heart for forgiveness of sins, the Lord forgave me, giving me healing, peace, freedom, and boldness. And before that, what a tearing fire there was in my insides! Thursday. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the early Divine Liturgy and requiem mass with tenderness and tears, and to partake of the life-giving, most pure and life-giving Mysteries of Your Body and Blood. I thank the Lord for the victory over the invisible enemies, who caught me even after communion through my weaknesses, passions and who fled from the prayer of repentance and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in the most pure Mysteries that exist within me. With perfect understanding, perfect feeling, read and sing in church. Friday. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace and strength in the world to perform the early Divine Liturgy in a pure, clear, strong voice and to partake of the Divine Mysteries in a life-giving manner and to perform the entire requiem service without stumbling. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at this hour (ten o’clock in the morning) from the great sorrow and oppression and death of the heart that befell me for my harsh, contemptuous, angry treatment of the beggars who asked me for alms (and there are many of them, and they often approach with a request for a donation in parties of several people). I sincerely repented of my sins, condemned myself with all my heart, with all my thoughts, with all the strength of my will, asked forgiveness from Him who has the power to forgive sins, and received rich forgiveness, great and rich mercy. God! I thank You for the love for me of the children raised by me in Your Law, and of strangers and Your people. Not to me, not to me, but to Your sweet grace, glory. In the guardianship, talk today about the immorality of the children, men and women living in the guardianship building, and offer to bring them to reason, and if they do not improve, then drive them away. This is a wolf pit, this is a gang of robbers. Evening, ten o'clock. Unnecessarily at dinner I ate some quick soup and ate two eggs with black bread, not being satisfied with the small amount of lean vinaigrette; sinned before the Lord and before himself; my heart hardened from this. Let there be no more such frivolous violation of fasting, which constitutes an important commandment in Christianity, for the Lord Himself, who commanded fasting, fasted for forty days and forty nights, eating absolutely nothing [Matthew 4:1–11]. Forgive me my sin, O Most Merciful One, and blot out its consequences. I often scourge myself with crafty and evil thoughts about the rector, Father Paul, and only for sincere repentance does the most merciful Lord have mercy on me. Oh, grant me simplicity and kindness and humility of heart, Lord! Saturday. I thank the Lord for his merciful deliverance of me, unworthy, from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my harsh and obstinate treatment of the poor. This happened several times during Matins and then repeatedly throughout the day. I repented of my sins, condemned myself - and was pardoned. I thank the Lord for the gift of tearful tenderness during the all-night vigil. On the Feast of the Protection of the Mother of God from the text: for the Mighty One has created greatness for Me [Luke 1:49] about the greatness of the Mother of God as the animated Ark of God, as one who has been granted the fullness of deification and as the all-powerful Helper, Intercessor and Deliverer of the Christian race. (She is eternally one with God, God is eternally in Her, and She is in Him.) Four o'clock in the afternoon. Because of my satiety and wine-drinking, I suffered greatly in spirit today during mass; the enemy completely overwhelmed me with fear and fear, and if I had not begged the Lord with tears of repentance before mass, feeling my captivity, I don’t know what would have happened to me during the service of the liturgy. How careless I am regarding worship! I knew that on Sunday I would serve late mass, and despite all this, in the evening I drank a lot of wine and ate a lot of salted salmon and a little other snacks. How long will I test the Lord and His patience? We urgently need abstinence, strict abstinence! I was much embarrassed today at the thought of the unevenness of the work of correcting parish needs by the cathedral priests and the rector, but finally the Lord sent me the following calming thought: by the grace of God I became a servant to everyone: both the brethren of the church and the parishioners, but whoever serves everyone and is a servant to everyone, the Lord promised to make him greater than everyone in His Kingdom [Mark 10:43–44]. If so, then this is my greatest reward, and may God grant me to be a servant of everyone until the end of my life without complaining, with willingness and zeal. If only I could be healthy in spirit and body and the Lord would prolong my days for the glory of His name and for the salvation of me and many. Many times today the Lord has sent me mercy and grace and peace from above, eliminating the tightness, fire, and confusion. Oh madness! Oh, nonsense! My heart was seduced by the satin veil of the deceased Gavrish and, embarrassed, I could not pronounce the words of the litany! O heart, absurd, stupid, insane heart! The heart is earthly, when it should be all heavenly, mountainous, spiritual. Are you seduced by beautiful decay? But today he is beautiful, and tomorrow he will fade! Heart! Love contemplative, eternal beauty! This is how the eye gazes at beautiful, smooth faces and lusts at their heart! And again decay! And again absurdity! We must love the soul of a person, which gives beauty to the face! O holy men of God, who have despised the world! Teach me to despise all the delights of the world! To despise the belly, sweet foods and drinks, beautiful, expensive clothes, money, this idol of this world, amusements, spectacles, splendor in the decoration of homes! For all this binds the soul to the corruptible world and removes the soul from God, killing it! Theotokos. All goodness, the perfection of the Almighty, eternally shine in You, our Lady Theotokos, are fragrant, act in You and through You in the Christian world! You are truly higher than the heavens and purer than the light of the sun! All the favor of God the Father is in You! In You rested all that is holy, all the truth of God, the love of God, the power of God, the beauty of God, the wisdom of God, the steadfastness of God, all the bliss of God - that is why all generations cannot help but please You. In fact, every day and every hour we see the vanity, deceitfulness, impermanence of all earthly blessings, earthly things, pleasures, honors, the vanity of carnal pleasures, addictions, the corruption of our body itself, which should cool our immortal soul, created in the image of God, to them, and yet we, like senseless children, cling to them and fall away from God, from the only thing needed, from caring for the soul immortal. But it is proper to despise the flesh, for it passes away, but to be diligent about the souls, things more immortal 71 . At the christening of women in labor, the priest should not feast, because the mother is considered unclean until forty days, and yet here you sometimes have to clink glass with her, and in general, I have experienced a thousand times that it is difficult, very difficult, when serving in church the next day, this drink at a christening, even if not in significant quantities. I thank the Lord, who showed me great, repeated, supernatural help today during Matins and especially during the late liturgy in delivering me from the fierce, deadly wiles of the demons. I was inadvertently carried away by grief, which turned into embitterment, towards the archpriest for his stinginess and stinginess (which should be regretted) and contempt for him as a carnal, poorly educated, backward, wayward, unfriendly, extremely proud and ambitious person. But then, when the fire of hell reached me, I was tormented by cramped conditions, I repented of my thoughts and feelings, renounced them, reconciled heartily with the abbot, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace and boldness in service. This was before and after reading the Gospel. And at the end of the liturgy for the communion of the Holy Mysteries and the manifestation of the Holy Gifts, the enemy overwhelmed me with a feeling of impatience regarding the children receiving communion, and during the prayer service with laughter and conversations of the clerks in the choir, but this produced a saving reaction in me, great zeal for piety, and I magnificently, boldly, loudly, solemnly read the prayer of the Blessing of Waters, all according to the Trebnik. But soon I again found fault with them, nodding my head with displeasure, and the devil turned my jealousy into anger, from which I was greatly wounded and repented of it in my heart to the Lord for a long, long time, until the Lord forgave the sin. I read the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal at the liturgy with the greatest boldness. Waking up at three o'clock in the morning, I remembered the many beggars in Kronstadt and, among other things, was filled with great indignation at the rector of the cathedral, Father Paul, for the fact that he takes almost no part in the care and constantly despises all the poor, calling them all parasites without exception, not giving alms to anyone and hoarding money and multiplying his enormous wealth, not knowing to whom (one daughter, [another maiden] in the service), cursing the bounties of God and setting a bad example for the members of the clergy. And this is twenty-two years! God! Soften our hearts, hardened by the love of money and self-love and pride! For I too am hard-hearted, although I give alms! Before, as a boy, I was afraid of the authorities of intellect and science, wealth, nobility, rank and file, and I suppressed my mind, heart, energy, and will! From now on, let me not fear anyone, but let me speak the truth of God boldly and firmly! Help, Lord! God! Have I condemned the abbot for his love of money? Forgive me, my Mercy, and grant me not to fall away from love for him, but with tender, filial love to honor him and pray for him and contemplate my great and countless sins! Show him, Lord, as an example of mercy, even in his old age! Grant us mortal memory and the memory of Your Last Judgment! Wednesday. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the wondrous, gracious, powerful deliverance of me from sorrow, crampedness and fire, for the hostile movement of my heart against the serving deacon Father Arseny, for exaggerating the words with my voice and forever and ever (after saving the pious), for which I repented heartily, and for the hostile movement against Alexandra Ivanova, the sailor’s wife, who often brings the baby to communion (which is something to rejoice about); I also repented of this and received forgiveness and a peaceful and loving disposition of heart. Even today, my Lord and Savior performed great powers of deliverance in me, both in this and in other cases of my internal falls and infirmities. I thank, glorify, and sing to my Lord, His mercy and judgment are in me, for even today He has been usually merciful and obedient and righteous to me, worthily punishing for every momentary deviation from His truth and holiness and quickly delivering me, a repentant one, from all sorrows and oppression and spiritual death. During the communion mass, I was rewarded with the unspeakable mercy of the Lord - the sweetest revival and the fullness of God's truth, which [covered] me through the communion of His most holy Body and His most holy Blood, and wondrous peace, freedom, boldness and strength. I thank the Lord, who quickly delivered me from the movements and cramps of sin when performing the Sacrament of Baptism at Nikolai Matsigin’s, at Kuznetsov’s in Murashov’s house and in Klimov’s house in the outbuilding on the tower (the girl’s successor). How long will the creeps last? How long is voluptuousness? How long will I not despise the flesh as transitory and strive for the immortal soul? In the evening. I thank the Lord, who has given me heavenly life in the communion of His Holy Mysteries and a great victory over sin and over ethereal enemies; I thank the Lord, who granted me a new victory over the inventors of malice, the evil spirits, at the end of the liturgy, during the singing of the requiem, when in repentance I fervently called on the name of the Lord, which performed a miracle of deliverance and salvation in me. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great mercy in delivering me from inner fire, confusion and cramped conditions upon my arrival home from the gymnasium and after my zealous conversation with the poor, to whom I advised with bitterness in my heart to turn for radical help to the Meshchansky Council, to the foreman, to the governor, to the Tsar himself; I thank the Lord, who saved me from distress and sorrow after Vespers and after the confession of some pious women; I fell several times before the holy throne and received the mercy of the world; The Lord also saved me upon leaving guardianship, where I became entangled in unclean thoughts, from which I was saved by the prayer of repentance with tears of tenderness, which are the mercy of God. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over sins and kept me incorruptible from them. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during Matins from demonic violence when speaking the litany at the Midnight Office, which I interrupted and did not say everything that happened from the evening gluttony in the evening at a party and grief at Paraskova Ivanovna Kovrigina. For the prayer of sincere repentance, the Lord had mercy on me, pacifying and strengthening my spirit, which was previously confused and wavering, and gave me the grace to complete the entire Matins with boldness and joy. After Matins, going home, I again upset the Lord with my hard-hearted refusal to give alms to the beggars gathered at the fence, sending them to walk around the city, and for this I was again punished according to my dignity with internal sorrow and cramped conditions and scorching fire, from which I got rid of after fervent repentance and prayer and again tasted the longed-for peace and freedom. Glory to the Lord! O You, life-giving Lord! Glory to Your great salvation! Who revives my heart, which is killed by daily pleasures and passions, softens my hardened and hardened heart, and renews my corrupted heart? Lord. Who surrounds me daily with the joys of deliverance from sins, from demonic violence, from sorrows, troubles and various temptations? Lord. Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for delivering me through my prayer from the dousing of demonic abomination on me, the cause of which - lust and gluttony - was in me. I thank the Lord for the edifying word I spoke in the fifth grade. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me through the prayer of tenderness (and the very tenderness of my coarse heart from Him) from my crampedness and burden of satiety with food. I eat a grave sin with greed, with passion, hastily, a lot, which is why I often fall into immoderation and anger my all-good Master, the Lord Jesus Christ, and grieve the Holy Spirit of the Comforter. In the akathist to the Sweetest Jesus, the voice of all repentant humanity is heard, expressing all its sinfulness, all its corruption, all its weakness and all its indecency and inability to get rid of sin and destruction on its own, without God’s help, a voice expressing all the people’s need for a Savior and that the Savior Jesus Christ for a believer is everything, all good: light, and breath, cleansing, sanctification, strength, food, a robe, an inexhaustible treasure, eternal life—everything. I thank the Lord, who visited me this day with His greatest salvation during the liturgy during the reading of the Gospel, when the Lord delivered me from the great oppression of sin that befell me for being upset with my father the deacon and for being angry with him because he spoke the words drawn out and playfully and forever and ever before the Trisagion Song. The Lord accepted my repentance and delivered me from spiritual death. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of His Holy Mysteries; when I gave communion to the children, for no apparent reason I inwardly despised the kindest Lyubov Nazarovna, the sailor’s wife, who was bringing the child to communion, and again death entered my bowels, and again I began to strongly repent before the Holy Mysteries of the Lord and ask for forgiveness, and the Lord mercifully accepted my repentance and gave me peace and freedom. Glory to the Lord! Stuzhati (Church Glav.) – to crowd, to disturb; oppress. General Troparion to the Saints, tone 8 Root – meaning basic, initial, real.