Ноябрь 1880 г.

Resurrection. After not serving mass for a week, today I served with great moral labor, with a dead heart, covered with cold, with extreme enemy violence, until I was finally revived by holy communion. There were no requirements before mass. The sermon spoke about the sower [Luke 8:4–15]. Four christenings in the evening; before the christening of temptation and during the performance of the Sacraments at A.A. Petrova (son-in-law); the prayer of repentance now bowed the Lord to mercy and help, and I did the holy deed well. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the tightness and powerlessness of my heart that befell me while giving prayer to the woman in labor, the wife of Vladimir Al. Petto, because I was in a hurry and had double hearts, thinking to be in time for Vespers (which I was not in time for). I prayed to the Lord in repentance, and the Lord delivered my soul from oppression and granted peace and freedom in the church. I thank the Lord, who through tearful prayer removed from me the fox teeth, claws and fox tail of the adversary the devil during the service of the memorial service for the servant of God John Kazakov in Novopavlovskaya Street in the house of Sidorov and who granted me without stumbling to perform the memorial service, with boldness, sincerity and strength, in peace. And how the adversary bit into my heart with his fox teeth and paws, how destructively the adversary turned my heart with his tail! And all the faces, faces! All sweets, sweets cause! All passions, carnal passions! We must mortify the body and enslave it, like all the ascetics, and before them the prophets, apostles, martyrs and all the reverend men and reverend women! How I do not take into account the extreme needs of the poor, hunger, cold, forcing them to ask me for alms, so as not to be tormented by hunger and cold, and I get angry, irritated with them, beat them, damned me, senseless, ungrateful! Pagans are more willing to listen than many Christians. How today the word of God is trampled upon by passers-by or pecked at by birds! General diligent attention to the word of the world, often vain, empty, harmful, magazine or newspaper and any other - and general inattention to the word of God, living, eternal, saving; neglect of reading and listening to the Gospel, the word of prayer, worship, spiritual and soul-saving conversations about God and His wonderful works, about the human soul, its image and likeness of God, about the fall and restoration, about the old and new man, about spiritual and physical death, about the grace of God given to man from God, about the saving Sacraments given by Jesus Christ to the Church for salvation people, etc. [On trampling] the words of preachers. The Apocalypse says that the serpent sent a river out of his mouth after his wife in order to swallow her [Rev. 12:15–16]; by the wife we ​​mean the Church, and by the river we mean persecution and our printed word, also stage, farce and other things. The Word of God [is] trampled upon not only by the laity, but very often by the spiritual themselves, who are careless about the Gospel and the liturgical word, the word of preaching; the spirit of worldly vanity takes possession - alas! and the spiritual estate - there is no salt, about which the Lord says: you are the salt of the earth [Matthew 5:13]; this salt is the word of the Gospel, the life according to the Gospel of the shepherds of the verbal sheep. The Word of God is trampled under foot by human passions, the passion for money, which often reaches the point of madness not only in the young, but even in the elders, a passion that leaves no place in the heart for the word of God, spiritual conversations, place for compassion and love of mankind; passion for carnal pleasures, for games and amusements that steal time, energy, and health; passion for acquiring various worldly advantages, taking possession of minds and hearts; excessive worries of everyday life, decency and secular customs; various social connections, faulty upbringing, etc. I look at myself and see how many thorns of sinful habits and passions are in me that prevent the word of God from working in me, from bearing the fruits of abstinence, chastity, meekness and humility, mercy, patience, obedience, self-sacrifice, love; how I have a lot of pride, greed, pride, envy, gluttony, laziness, negligence, hard-heartedness, love of money, lust and carnality, grumbling and cowardice, fear, false shame, impatience, idleness and idle talk, vanity and vanity, rancor, ill-will, ill-will, gloating, frivolity, rage and curses even at soulless things! Six o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now had mercy on me and delivered me from the mortal sorrow and distress that befell me for my hostility and envy towards the rector of the cathedral, who collected tens of thousands of wealth and was completely negligent about alms and the slightest hospitality towards the brethren, and for refusing alms to the poor youths and girls who frolicked and shouted a lot on the big Main Street. Three times I begged the Lord, and only on the third did the Lord have mercy on me, giving me space and peace of mind. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from my cowardice, despondency, anger, grief and distress over the long stay of my sister, the widow Tsvetkova, without her work (prosphora care) for three weeks. I repented of my cowardice, my greed, stinginess, attachment to earthly things, lack of faith, lack of hope in God, lack of love, and the Lord had mercy on me after repeatedly falling to Him, giving me the desired peace and spaciousness of heart. We place the seal of the Cross and the image of the Most Holy Trinity and the incarnate Son of God, one of the Trinity, on the forehead, heart, chest and muscles so that these greatest and saving truths are always inherent in our mind, heart and will or in all our activities and give direction to all our thoughts, feelings and deeds and to drive away the spirits of malice from the mind, from the heart, from the entire totality of our activities and deeds. The all-night vigil at Kozma Mikhailovich Nazarov showed me how my heart became hardened and weakened from gluttony and fast food on Friday (at twelve o’clock I ate meat cabbage soup and cod with quick butter). There is no depth and sincerity of virtue in me, depth and firmness of faith, hope, peace, love, depth of humility, repentance, tenderness, meekness, gentleness, depth of prayer, thanksgiving and glorification, mercy, non-covetousness, abstinence, purity and chastity, goodwill, sympathy, rejoicing, condolences, obedience, patience; the virtue in me is superficial, shaky, shallow, fragile. On the contrary, how deeply every sin has taken root in me: pride, deceit, pride, vanity, malice, anger, hatred, envy, greed, stinginess, intemperance, greed, fornication, laziness, negligence, cowardice, fear, suspicion, false shame and false fear, despondency, grumbling, impatience, disobedience, disrespect, humiliation others, partiality, impatience, ill will, slander, condemnation, malice, gloating, unclean thoughts about people, especially about girls and women, unclean and evil daydreaming, contemplation and other sins, which are countless. Evening. Five o'clock. I committed a grave sin against my God, against the Mother of God, against all the holy Angels and holy saints and against all people - that sin that rages against the poor for their extreme multitude and general begging; He tore out one beggar's hair and hit him on the cheek with his right hand. He tore out another by the hair and cursed him sideways and like a blockhead - all in anger and rage; further: he shouted loudly at them in the street in rage and with all this he hurt himself, shook him, killed him morally, embarrassed himself beyond belief! Oh, heart ulcers! But glory to the mercy of God, irresistible by my iniquities, my countless evils (many different passions)! Terribly wounded, embarrassed, scorched by my own malice, I came to the church of God and in deep repentance, with faith and hope, I fell repeatedly before the holy, life-giving and terrible throne, asking for mercy and healing of the ulcers of my soul, and - oh, glory to His long-suffering and mercy, which surpasses our iniquities! He, the Most Merciful Lord, had mercy on me and did not destroy me with my iniquities, giving me peace. I ask myself: how are such grave sins possible on my part after so many years (twenty-five) of my priesthood? How are such crude manifestations of passions and passions themselves possible? How do they still have a place in my soul? How are they not torn out, how are they not killed? How are they killing me? Oh! At whom was I furious in the face of the beggars, whom did I hit on the cheek? Whom did you vilify? Who did he hurt? Christ God Himself in the person of the poor, for it is said: just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me [Matthew 25:40]. Such a gross manifestation of my passions means that they reign in me, that I have not put off the old man [Col.3:9], I have not crucified the flesh with passions and lusts, I have not been crucified to the world [Gal.5:24;6:14], and the world lives in me, and not Christ God; I am not yet Christ’s, that the word of God has not taken deep root in me and has not brought forth the fruit of the Kingdom, that my heart is not good soil, but stony, thorny, that the word of God fell along the road and was trampled by me and pecked out by birds, that is, stolen by demons [Matthew 13:1-23; Mark 4:1-20; Luke 8:4–15]. Alas for me! Alas for me, a sinner! Foxes have ulcers [Russian: foxes have holes]! It is the ulcers that have in me, in my heart, the clever foxes - the demons, for they always wound my heart with their excuses and temptations, and then they live and nest in these ulcers. The Son of Man does not have anywhere to bow his head [Matthew 8:20], does not have in my heart a single virtue pleasing to Him, such as meekness or humility, goodness or mercy, self-control, purity, patience, faith, hope, love, moderation, peace and tranquility. I did not bother the Lord with a single virtue. Alas for me! Alas for me! Last week there was no early mass, I did not serve, and during this time without communion of the Holy Mysteries I became extremely exhausted morally, so when I had to write a sermon, I wrote it with extreme difficulty after several unsuccessful attempts; the eyes of the heart have darkened, the source of spiritual wisdom has dried up; He served with great difficulty, with an extremely weak heart, broken and covered in shame. I thank the Lord with all my heart for delivering me from the secret anger that killed me against Father Pavel, the rector, for not waiting for me at Captain Kazakov’s memorial service and starting the service early. Oh, how I have not yet learned humility and gentleness and often have an inclination towards hostility! But Father Pavel is always even, always kind, although cunning, always important, invulnerable, imperturbable; we need to learn from him. And what good can come from anger, except harm to yourself and sometimes to others! You become embarrassed, hurt, darkened, lose freedom of thought, word and deed, you become not yourself, you burn with vexation, zeal, and the desire for revenge! Meanwhile, meekness and calmness, self-control always win in this case. The Lord delivered me three times from three times repeated malice, each time I sincerely condemned myself, repented of my absurd passion: once on the road while carrying the body of a deceased person, then in church during a memorial service and after the memorial service, when the rector discussed the destruction of the purchased five percent fraternal hereditary ticket. The adversary was heavily washing away my heart with malice. But how joyful was the Lord’s deliverance! Glory to the Lord! (Remember Pavel and Julia and their children for good health. His Eminence Varlaam for the repose.) My soul! In things and circumstances that are contrary to you, be calm, patient, expectant, and uncomplaining! Voluptuousness and greed in food and drink relax the soul, pampering it and making it impatient in adversities, when, for example, the air is not good, food is not to taste, people are not to taste, for example, they are ugly or ugly or self-righteous, disrespectful, they behave with great dignity, proudly, not paying attention to us or ignoring us. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for delivering me during Matins from the hellish storm and crowding and hellish fire that came upon me as a result of my offense against the abbot, Father Paul, because he verbally suspected me of soliciting to be at the funeral services of Kazakov, the navigator’s captain, to whom he supposedly should have gone, and not me. When I, in strong heartfelt repentance, fell with faith and hope to the throne of God, He who sat on the throne soon performed a great miracle with me, a miracle of the revival of my sin-dead soul, a miracle of pacification of a troubled soul, healing of a wounded soul, enlightenment of a darkened one, consolation of a despondent soul, hope of a despairing one. Five and three quarters o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who now, this very moment, with his life-giving right hand, for my sincere repentance, has delivered me from the death of my heart, the anguish and pain that followed my hard-heartedness towards the poor and especially towards one of them, who had been chasing me for a long time and earnestly asked for supports or clothes and whom I refused, having previously given him three kopecks for bread for half an hour. What terrible words of nihilism and ridicule of every sacred thing I heard today from one woman (Ivanova, the wife of Colonel Pyotr Ivanov), who, however, did not say them herself, but only conveyed them as she heard them from St. Petersburg nihilists, students of St. Petersburg institutions, especially the Higher Courses. Oh, the times! Oh, morals! God save me! One of the most common machinations of the devil is to instill fear and apprehension and false shame where there is not and should not be human and demonic fear, and when this should not be, namely in church, during divine services, and especially in front of a large crowd of people, and especially on holidays. By inducing false shame and fear, the devil attacks the mind, heart and will, and at the same time the ability to speak, making a person dumb and voiceless. This also happens in meetings and meetings. What does it take to get rid of these terrible snares? First of all, of course, we must pray to God to strengthen us with strength to fight the demons that fight us, and then we must certainly try to be free from the carnal and spiritual passions that nest within us and possess us, especially gluttony, drunkenness and voluptuousness, pride, malice, envy, despondency, and cowardice. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to confidently and cheerfully, boldly, perform a memorial service in the morning of November 5, as well as in the evening, for Captain Kazakov in a congregation of many. Both the Orthodox church and all its accessories - the holy altar, the altar, the iconostasis and in general all church painting, as well as the entire divine service of the Church with all its rituals - is the embodiment of a great, saving idea, namely that the Orthodox Church is His Body, and He, the Lord, is the Head [Eph. 1:22-23,10], uniting with Himself the heavenly and earthly members and the Angels themselves, that He is the door Kingdom, like His Most Pure Mother, that He opened this door with the Cross, that He scented (incense) human nature, stale with sins, enlightened it (the light of candles), warmed and revived what was cold and dead, sanctified and justified it (holy saints), made it blessed (Blessed are the poor in spirit... [Matthew 5:3] and so on, and so on), adopted (baptism), deified (communion), cleansed (repentance) and had mercy, as He has mercy (Lord, have mercy), that He reigned and abides among us (the Lord reigns [Ps. 93:1]), teaches, works miracles, prophesies the future (Apocalypse), suffers, dies, resurrects, ascends from us to heaven, without separating from us, shepherds us, governs us (hierarchy), punishes us, and leads us to perfection. Wonderful beauty in our churches! Wonderful thought, idea! On my anniversary. For twenty-five years I was granted by the Lord in this holy church enlightenment, sanctification, purification, renewal, joy and consolation, wonderful deliverance from invisible enemies who mercilessly attacked me, reinforcement and help in my arduous (at times) ministry of healing, spiritual nourishment and delight, tenderness and deification. What will I render to the Lord for all this? And where did eternity seem to me in its amazing grandeur, in its indescribable bliss prepared for the righteous, and in the torment prepared for unrepentant sinners? In the church, in the church primarily, for here is the boundary between earth and heaven, time and eternity, here the eternal mercy and goodness of the Trinitarian God, the eternal power and Kingdom, eternal truth, eternal power and wisdom, eternal sweetness and beauty are so often proclaimed. What is primarily preached here is eternal life and eternal torment. Here I raked myself from earthly passions, tore away the sinful dust that clung to my spiritual feet; here I trampled on sin and death and felt within myself the triumph of truth and virtue and life according to God. Here he was healed of mental and physical infirmities and became rejuvenated in soul and body. How much I have seen and successfully overcome by the grace of God the networks of ethereal enemies placed for temptation and my destruction, and how much labor there has been at times, fighting with invisible enemies, the most evil and wounding the soul like poisonous snakes! I will give glory to the Lord for this too! And how many of my enemies the Lord has humbled for my prayers and my repentance! I sinned before the Lord by secretly giving alms to a beggar who met me early (four and three quarters of an hour), and I ran from him, afraid to meet him, for which I immediately lost my boldness, my freedom, and was stung with a heart ulcer. I blame myself for this with all my heart and all my mind! Free will is given to man for self-activity and for bearing the fruits of goodness for thirty, sixty and a hundred [Matthew 13:8]; talents are given to multiply them and to increase a person’s own bliss, for whatever he sows, that he will also reap; He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly [2 Cor. 9:6]. We expect natural and necessary, or due, fruit from every fruitful tree, and, moreover, we expect it in abundance - how can we not demand from ourselves the fruits of good deeds? How we allow our mind, heart and will to become desolate and produce only thorns of vain thoughts, desires, lusts and passions! In all His direct and indirect teachings of the Gospel, the Lord demands the fruits of repentance and good deeds, and the wicked and lazy slaves are condemned to torment and utter darkness. The first people, Adam and Eve, were given the commandment to cultivate and preserve paradise, of course, their spiritual paradise - righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, for the material paradise was preserved by the Lord Himself, watering, illuminating and increasing it with the special action of His power. People did not preserve their paradise, their wonderful gift of God, their truth, purity and innocence, and allowed the serpent to defile, darken, disfigure and devastate it - this is what negligence, inattention, laziness, ingratitude mean! Therefore, now, with sinful depravity, how much work is required to cultivate one’s heart’s furrow, the heart’s field overgrown with thorns and thistles! How we, and I, are partial to the corruptible, passionate, sinful, vain life and careless about the incorruptible, righteous life, about the fruits of virtue: humility, meekness, non-covetousness, almsgiving, simplicity and sincerity, goodwill to everyone, abstinence, purity and chastity, obedience, patience and kindness! There is no wheat in me, but all are tares and tares! The tares of self-love, carnality, gluttony, lust, love of heaven, lack of love, stinginess, love of money, hard-heartedness, pride, vanity, disobedience, ill-will, suspicion, deceit, secret inner fornication. The tares choke the wheat of God, and this is due to my negligence. I have come to know the whole will of God and am careless about fulfilling it. Alas for me! Alas for me! The prayers of the saints for us, or in the heavenly Church, as well as on earth, are a great power for salvation for Orthodox Christians who are zealous to live by faith and spend their lives in repentance and virtue. Without these prayers we would die. Therefore, we will be grateful to God day and night for the fact that we were born and raised in the Orthodox Church, and not in Lutheran society or in the Papal Church. Oh, with what speed do the tares of passions, these fruits of death, arise, grow and intensify in us! I carelessly, excessively ate and drank with greed - and now the thorns of hard-heartedness grow in me, love for God and neighbor fades away, addiction to the flesh and to corruptible, earthly things intensifies and puts a barrier between me and God; The devil gains some, and sometimes great, power and strength over me, and deprives me of peace, boldness, and freedom. But we doze and sleep with our souls in spiritual sleep, and we are often contented with bodily sleep beyond measure, and even during our bodily sleep the devil does not sleep and sows his hellish tares in our soul through various sleepy dreams, carnal and worldly images and through the actions of carnal passions (presenting tables with delicious foods and drinks, or finding money, or receiving awards and honors, or female persons, or smart clothes, or a quarrel with someone, etc.) You must constantly be vigilant to guard your heart and guard it most carefully. Guard your heart above all else, for from it are the springs of life [Proverbs 4:23]. After frosts that began on October 6 or 7 and lasted until November 1, warm, strong winds and rains began, driving away the snow that lay in huge quantities on the ground. It was winter for almost a month, and then it was dirty autumn again. Now it’s dry, a little frosty. November 8. The name of the Sweetest Jesus Christ, called upon with faith and in repentance, continually performs miracles of salvation in me. Now, lying on the bed and scorched and oppressed by the stings of the enemy, I called on the Lord secretly, and the enemy was reflected from my heart, and my soul became light and free, peaceful and cheerful. Thank God (seven and a half o'clock in the morning). Seven o'clock in the evening. Lord, I thank You for your wondrous, quick, almighty help before the prayer service and during the prayer service in the fourth carriage in the presence of many officers and soldiers: I was dead in spirit - and You, Lord, revived me, I was in confusion, cramped - and You pacified and expanded my heart, I was cowardly and powerless - and You encouraged and strengthened my poor soul, and I with great strength, with great space and a prayer service was served with boldness. But at the very end he became embarrassed again due to his grief at the sexton for his blowing his nose and coughing at the prayer service. The Lord delivered me from this tightness and sorrow, having repented for a long time, already in the Assumption Church; Then, during mass, the Lord delivered me from the cramped conditions, cowardice, and despondency that befell me because of my momentary hostility toward Father Paul. The struggle was difficult, the name of the Lord Jesus Christ conquered everything. Resurrection. I sinned against the Lord in my heart early in the morning on the street in our yard, when I saw Father Alexander going to the Assumption Church and, not realizing that it was his turn there, and thinking that it was the turn of the dean, who supposedly replaced himself with Father Alexander, I secretly became indignant with the dean, as if he were lazy to get up early and wanted to serve late mass because of his importance. But I was mistaken and sinned before God and people and before the holy Angels by disliking my father and brother. For my repentance, the Lord had mercy on me and granted me peace after I fell to the holy throne with faith. Then another time I sinned just before the sixth psalm, being angry with the watchman Procopius for his inability to remove soot from the candles on the throne, and I was embarrassed and in distress and shame - for repentance, the Lord forgave me for this, giving me peace and space. Before the dismissal and at the dismissal of the all-night vigil, I sinned by remembering the worldly and contemplating unrighteousness, which resulted in confusion and cowardice, and I did not pronounce the dismissal, but stole it. Then he didn’t say the whole prayer to Christ, the True Light, but he muffled the end out of demonic confusion, due to the weakness of the heart, weakened by gluttony. At the beginning of the liturgy, the Lord again had mercy on me for my faith and repentance, granting me peace. At the great entrance, having started well, he reprimanded the heir and his wife, but did not reprimand their child out of embarrassment and weakness of heart regarding certain persons; sorrow, oppression, embarrassment, shame, which the Lord took away for extreme repentance; he did not call on the All-Holy Spirit calmly; The Holy Synod and the Metropolitan did not reprimand out of embarrassment and cowardice and fear of demonic and childish screams. Received life-giving communion. Instead of the sacramental verse, the sexton sang little; I ordered him to sing more loudly. The dismissal was pronounced by everyone; the prayer service for the Berzins was served reluctantly, after the intense agony of Matins and Mass. He sang verses at Matins, cried out to the Lord, sang verses and Praises with the greatest animation, enthusiastically, loudly, in a clear voice, spreading like a nightingale. For this, thank God. I glorified the resurrection of the Lord and its salutary consequences for the fallen human race. Three o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the bitter consequences of my strong anger at my wife, who angrily and jealously shouted at me for opening the door in the front room to refresh the stinking air in the apartment; in anger, I called her a beast, threw a silver spoon into the hall from the dining room with anger, and then went away in sorrow and cramped conditions in the fresh air to pour out my soul in repentance to God. I walked to the military guard guard - I kept repenting, praying to God to pacify and soften my heart and that of my wife. I came home and felt that there was still enmity in me, but when I saw the calm, gentle and friendly face of my wife and the kind word, I now softened in spirit; I immediately went to pray to God to forgive our sins and pacify my conscience. And I completely healed my aching soul and calmed down. God bless! I thank the Lord, who showed me His mercy during Matins in delivering me from sinful confusion and distress and in giving me peace and boldness, with which I read and sang to the Lord. Thousands of experiences teach me that in the morning there is no need to eat and drink unnecessarily, for there is no need for early sleep and the restoration of strength at night. Every time I eat and drink in the morning, I relax my heart and during public prayer, for example at a funeral service, I am caught by the enemy-stammerer. Grant me, Lord, the grace to abstain from food in the morning. This morning I drank a cup of coffee with milk and two glasses of tea with black bread and butter. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who granted me great deliverance from my anger towards the beggar boy for the second request for alms (I had previously given him ten kopecks) and for pulling my hair. I strongly repented of this to the Lord of mercy three times, and He poured out His rich mercy on me, giving me peace after confusion, space after cramped conditions, boldness after despondency, strength after weakness. I thank the Lord, who granted me deliverance at the memorial service for the late Yakov Andreev after the cry, “You are the resurrection,” suppressed through fear of demons... The enemy stung me, tearing the words out of my heart and not allowing me to confess my Lord; but when I immediately repented secretly, asking for mercy, the Lord gave me boldness and peace. At the funeral service. A common sinful illness, common infirmities, common troubles, temptations, dangers, a common Savior for all. Therefore, pray fervently for the deceased as for yourself. I thank the Lord, who nourished and strengthened my soul with His grace during Matins through the reading and singing of the Irmos, and who gave me the grace to carry out without stumbling, with frequent victories over invisible enemies, the entire liturgy and requiem, and the royal persons spoke kindly, and in the first remember, Lord... etc. I thank the Lord, who helped me serve a prayer service with Grigory Ivanovich Konovalova in the shop; Before that, I carelessly ate at home herring with Provencal butter and sweet and sour bread and bread with butter and burdened my heart... I thank the Lord, who showed me great and rich mercy before the prayer service and during the prayer service in delivering me from great sorrow and cramped conditions and embarrassment due to running away from the poor and granting me to perform the prayer service well. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the memorial service in Yakov Andreev’s apartment and after visiting Paraskeva Davidovna from the corruption of my heart through looking at a woman’s face and from the same thing at home. In a dream I was in Kyiv and saw all the monastery buildings extremely dilapidated, I saw Metropolitan Philotheus and managed to take his blessing, then I saw many beggars in the same church where I saw the Right Reverend Philotheus, pitifully singing their songs and lamentations. I sat down between them, but instead of serving them, I pleased my own belly. I saw a big elephant in someone’s room, it seems Britnev. Evening. During Matins and especially during the cathedral mass (four of us) and after it at the funeral service for Yakov Andreev and being escorted to the gates by the entire cathedral, I experienced hellish cramped conditions, terrible temptations and diabolical violence, bursting into anger, especially towards the rector, always stoically cold and indifferent, not experiencing any temptations; but - glory to the most good, all-merciful, benevolent and beneficent Master, the Lord Jesus Christ, who has repeatedly delivered me through the prayer of my repentance from my evils and terrible cramps; Many times the spirit of malice consumed me, but just as many times the Lord snatched me up 146 from its jaws. Along with temptations in my soul, I experienced a terrible burning sensation in the internal parts of my body, which came, on the one hand, from yesterday’s satiety and drinking wine, and on the other, from bad weather (it was melting, and it was like snowy jelly on the streets) or partly from a cold. And in the gymnasium I felt unwell - I was burning, I was irritable and restless from pain and cramped conditions. And during the wedding ceremony in the cathedral after Vespers, the violence of the devil and the physical and moral oppression were terrible; I could not utter many words and sentences and some prayers of good wishes and blessings to the bride and groom - even to the point that I loudly spat on the floor with the words: Ugh, what meanness! which caused the deacon and sexton to laugh. But when I came home, ate grapes and apples and drank light tea, my pains and infirmities now, by the grace of God, passed; The irritation ended and I calmed down. Glory, glory, glory to God! On the anniversary. Will you point out that I served God and people blamelessly for twenty-five years? But there is nothing to praise me for: all this time there was in me the abundance of God’s power, which was perfected in my weaknesses—my only shortcomings, imperfections, stumbling blocks. Would you point out that I often appeared in church with the word of the Gospel? – If I preach the gospel, then I have nothing to boast about, because this is my necessary duty, and woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! [ 1 Corinthians 9:16 ]. While performing a prayer service with an akathist to the Mother of God of Kazan in the apartment of Marya Ermolaevna for the Sistovsky family, I was honored with the twofold great mercy of God and the Queen of the Mother of God: firstly, peaceful, sincere service, and secondly, the healing of my flesh, which had previously been consumed by internal pain and heat. Having drunk tea at home soon after that, I felt completely invigorated and then walked easily and for a long time, and I didn’t want to sleep for a long time, but before that I had been hibernating at that time. Glory to the Lord, glory to the Lady! I was seriously violated by evil and insidious demons during the wedding due to gluttony, satiety yesterday, November 11th, and today November 12th, and especially from the nasty Madeira Ivanovskaya at Andreeva’s funeral; He committed the marriage blasphemously, although unintentionally - many laughed. Forgive me, Lord! Today is the day of our marriage, mine and my wife Elisaveta Konstantinovna, and the beginning of union with the Lord in the highest, holiest, most heavenly Sacrament of the Priesthood - today marks twenty-five years of our prosperous cohabitation! How many blessings we have received from the Lord! Everlasting contentment in the things of life, everlasting fruitful labors in the rank of priesthood with deliverance from sins, passions, with peace and help continually acceptable from the Lord, gracious tears and consolations, with good fame from people, health of body and soul; I was exposed to serious illnesses and the danger of death from them, dangers in sea voyages, dangers on land (from horses, from dogs), but the Lord mercifully saved me, granting me to live and still glorify Him and bear the fruit of alms. Thank the Lord! About the sower and the seed [Matthew 13:1–23; Mark 4:1-20; Luke 8:4–15]. There is no depth of heart in me, depth of faith, hope and love, depth of prayer, depth of contemplation, depth when reading the word of God, depth and sincerity of relationships with people, sincerity of good deeds; everything in me is superficial, weak, shaky, and is destroyed by the temptations of the enemy. After early mass. God! Abyss of mercy, I thank You with all my heart, firstly, for the healing through my prayer of my bodily entrails, which ached, as I think, from a cold, and, secondly, for the glorification in the reading of the church canon of Your Most Pure Mother and St. Liturgy with a memorial service for Jacob Andreev and for the life-giving communion of your most wonderful, life-giving, heavenly and terrible Mysteries. Nine o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who healed me from the acute and severe burning sensation in my insides through my prayer through touching His glorious, terrible and life-giving throne during the Matins service, which was served by the rector in the Peter and Paul chapel (I stood in Pokrovsky). How have I been preserved until now? Grace. Grace is my medicine, my light, my strength, my cleansing, enlightenment, consolation, deliverance, my food, my drink, my glory, my boldness. Evening. The Lord surprised me with great, wonderful, many mercies this day during the early liturgy at the beginning (rescuing me from the deadening tightness), then after the Cherubic Song and the Great Entrance, when speaking the words In the first, remember, Lord, when consuming the Holy Gifts; then during late mass (from the closeness of hostility towards the rector), during a prayer service, especially after a prayer service from renewed hostility; by repentance and faith I was saved from the worst invisible enemies who, with their malice, infringed on my unclean, passionate heart; then at home, when the girl Elisaveta Balykina was there; then when there was a strong melancholy in my heart after praying to the maternity maiden in Tsepov’s house on the tower. The Lord is near, saving me. Glory to the Lord! I sinned gravely before God, before the Mother of God, before the holy Angels and the holy saints of God and all people in that this evening after the all-night vigil, when the very poor, big and small, were feeling cold to me, I tore some of them by the hair and drove many away in anger and irritation, and where I was going - to Golubev’s house - I did not go there, but went to Burachk Pavel Stepanovich. Forgive me, Most Merciful, my great sin. I thank the Lord for reviving my deadness during the all-night vigil for my repentance; thanksgiving to the Lord for the gift of tenderness and fervent prayer for people, for the gift of the union of the Divine and human nature through the incarnation of the Son of God, for the gift of its enlightenment (which is visibly expressed by burning lamps, gold and silver and precious stones), fragrance, previously stinking of sins (which is visibly depicted by burning incense, meaning the fragrance and shrine of the Holy Spirit), redemption, immortality, justifications, consolations, strengthening, decoration. Thank you for the tears of tenderness. But the enemy, with his breath before the end of the service and even during the reading of the Gospel, extinguished my ardor, killing my heart before speaking the words of the Gospel: keep them more often than all the commandments given to you [Matthew 28:20], not spoken out of vain devilish fear. And again, because of repentance, he was warmed by the grace of the Holy Spirit, but before the dismissal, the enemy again struck him with moral paralysis. Oh, the cunning of the serpent! O my passionate, fearful heart, who and what are you afraid of? Diabolical mirages?.. But the Lord will fight 147 for you. I repent to the Lord for my lack of love, humility and patience and for my real hostility towards the abbot, while he expresses his envy of the brethren and greed for money, claiming that my sexton Mikhail and I receive more (as if) than everyone else. Yesterday I scolded him in absentia and threatened to give him a strong rebuke. I confess my sin to the Lord and I pray to the blessed Lord to change my heart, to cut off all hostility and hatred towards my brother from my heart and to grant me sincere and unfeigned love, to forgive offenses and for words spoken in absentia, not to chase and not try to zealously refute them and prove to the abbot his lies and slander. Save your soul with patience, humility, kindness, condescension, forgiveness, apology. Anger is the greatest sin of all sins. Try with all your might to always have love for everyone, even your enemies. About the spiritual maturation of a Christian and about the conditions for this in accordance with physical maturation in the light of the sun and the warmth of the sun, in favorable weather, when caring for the earth and plants, when discarding worms, when plucking and cutting off unnecessary dry branches... Rake yourself from carnal lusts [1 Peter 2:11]. A Christian must have a true, correct view of life, of the final end of life - of eternal life; he must, like a traveler going to his homeland, must go with firm feet to his heavenly fatherland, where the Heavenly Father abides in His eternal love with the Only Begotten Son and the Holy Spirit and with His holy Angels of glory, and cleanse himself from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, performing holiness in the fear of God [2 Cor. 7:1]. A Christian must certainly cut off everything bad from himself: bad thoughts, bad lusts, bad words, bad deeds, and always behave modestly, nobly, self-controlled, in blessed works, and not in empty games like cards. A field has been given to you - cultivate it, it is full of bad grass - weed it out, it is hard - soften it with repentance and tears, it is dry - wet it with tears; you have been given a wild garden - cultivate it, tend it carefully (heart). On the day of my anniversary, I should solemnly give thanks to my holy Guardian Angel, whose glory I was rich in and whom I had as an ever-present helper, mentor, and intercessor. Resurrection. He served late mass in a tight heart, with powerlessness and coldness in his soul, and he wanted to be ardent. Received life-giving communion. The voice is rather weak from lean food. I reproach myself for not having ardent feelings of love for all those for whom I pray as part of my duty in church during daily services and especially during mass, which embraces the love of everyone - heavenly, earthly and underworld; I regret and grieve that my heart is dry and dead during the liturgy, oppressed, struck with a mortal blow, filled with shame and humiliation for the sake of my sins - but with God everything is possible, He can give me a pure heart and a new spirit. Behold, I make all things new [Rev.21:5]. Though your sins be as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they be red as crimson, they will be as white as wool [Isaiah 1:18]. He served Vespers with great difficulty. Perhaps because there was little air in the cathedral, and most importantly because he ate enough pie at home at dinner and weakened his heart, giving ethereal enemies a place in himself through gluttony, and also anger at his wife and servant Evdokia for not preparing dinner on time. He pronounced the Great Litany poorly - he stole many exclamations, hastening from embarrassment and demonic fear. He performed the baptism of three babies in church at Vespers with difficulty, irritability, restlessness, with secret grumbling, with extraordinary effort. I sinned before God and people and before all heaven! In the image and likeness in which you were created, beg with tears the Lord and the Mother of God with all the Angels and all the saints to cleanse you, your heart from all filthiness of sin and to plant and cultivate and bear fruit for you every virtue. We cannot remain indifferent to the sin that lives in us, darkens us, defiles us, confuses us, oppresses us, shames us, weakens us and kills us, making us repulsive to God and the entire heavenly army and all the saints. God! Have mercy on us, cleanse us from all filth, sanctify, establish, adorn and save us. Amen. After Matins. I thank the Lord for my great help and deliverance from invisible fighting enemies during Matins, from their intrigues and remorse, for healing the ulcers of my soul. And at the end of Matins, when the demon placed an ulcer in my soul, I was again healed by the Lord through the prayer of repentance, and at home the Lord healed me from the creep of the unclean, when I prayed to Him in repentance. Evening. I thank the Lord for his help and mercy during the liturgy; served by great labor of heart and extreme pressure from the devil, who raped me with shame and despondency; but all this was overcome through the communion of the Holy Mysteries. Glory to the Lord for this! At the very beginning of the liturgy, the Lord, through the prayer of repentance, took away sorrow and oppression from my heart and gave life and peace. During Vespers, the Lord gave me great help in my ministry, tenderness and delight. After Vespers at home, the Lord, through my prayer, delivered me from the greatest sorrow and distress that befell me for my hardness of heart and stinginess towards the poor due to their great multitude and frequent begging. By faith in His suffering and death, lifted up for my sake, I soon felt His sweet and most sweet salvation for repentance. I praise the Lord, His long-suffering, mercy, kindness, generosity. The bishop in his diocese is, after God and the Mother of God, the source of sanctification of all Orthodox Christians of his flock, and therefore everyone should have him in great love and respect as a saint, as an archpastor and father, as the highest and authorized celebrant of all the Holy Sacraments, established for our revival, purification, sanctification, strengthening, renewal, consolation, deification. If it is given to those who ask, and it is opened to those who interpret, and we daily ask and pray to God for all people, as well as for ourselves, then of course the Lord, for the prayers of the Church, for the prayers of our shepherds, gives what we ask for to those for whom we ask daily: to the Tsar, and to the Royal House, and to the entire consecrated cathedral, and to all Christians, and to all people. For the prayers of the Church, God protects and has mercy on the whole world. The Church carries within itself the guarantee of peace for peace, holiness and truth. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who has now worked with me the miracle of His mercy and salvation for my repentance and faith in Him, my Most Merciful Savior. Nine and a quarter o'clock in the morning. He was angry with the servant Evdokia. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from mortal oppression and sorrow before mass; this mortal sorrow and distress befell me as a result of a furious reprimand to the watchmen in the church gatehouse for smoking tobacco. Through malice and anger, the devil entered my heart and tormented me terribly, and only through long repentance and repeated falling to the holy throne did I get rid of spiritual death by the ineffable mercy of the Lord. He served Mass successfully and without stumbling. He completely defeated the machinations of the enemy at the great entrance and after the transformation of bread and wine into the Most Pure Body and Blood, when uttering the exclamation In the first remember, Lord. He took communion with faith; I read the entire pulpit and said the entire dismissal. Boyle Plato's prayer service served well, but he stole my release out of false shame and fear, and for this the spiritual serpent terribly wounded me, killing my soul, but for sincere repentance and faith the Lord delivered me when I entered the birthday boy Baikov, having repented all the way from the fourth officer's wing. He served Vespers well. After vespers and christening, on my way home, in great anger I tore the hair of one beggar adult, a former drunkard, who impudently invaded the church yard with begging, because of him I drove away others - women who were waiting for notes to the pastor. I was again greatly wounded and troubled in spirit because of my rage against the poor and my hardness of heart. Alas! And I have not yet learned meekness, kindness, patience, mercy, kindness, forbearance. I severely tore the hair of a beggar who invaded the courtyard; I pulled him out by the hair! Oh, damnation! Is this what a priest portraying Christ, the Lamb of God, should do? Is this how Christ God lived? Was this the example He set? Oh, how long will I remain uncorrected and spiritually healed? How long will I be like a robber to the poor? I repent and again and again ask the Lord for mercy and waiting and long-suffering towards me, the accursed one. I have now been honored with the great mercy of God for my repeated intense and tearful repentance for the evil I have done to the poor. I extol the invincible and insurmountable mercy of God by our sins. Morning. I thank the Lord for the greatest salvation shown to me by His mercy during Matins through the prayer of my repentance in delivering me from the devil’s secret anger against the cleric Michael for some of his disagreements (not intentional) in the singing of the Irmos and partly against the priest of Klepachevsky Peter for his loud performance of proskomedia during Matins, which I served. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Liturgy without stumbling and to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. Before mass there was a memorial service for Emperor Alexander I. I thank the Lord, who granted me the gift of performing good vespers. I thank the Lord, who kindly exchanged my embittered heart for the proud, as it seemed to me, brethren who had gathered with the rector, and especially Father Pavel Lamanov. I repented of my anger, suspicion, ambition, pride, and the Lord poured out His rich mercy on me. Terrible vanity and harm from gluttony and intemperance: it empties the soul of grace, darkens it, weakens it, makes it rude, passionate, unclean, irritable, angry, selfish, proud, impatient. After mass. Can there be great miracles in me, like those performed in me today by my Lord Jesus Christ during matins and late mass in the deliverance of my weakness from my passions and the villainy of invisible enemies and from my mortal sorrows, which befell me during mass for gluttony and my satiety in the evening (ruff ear at eleven o’clock in the evening). The Lord delivered me from all serious troubles through the prayer of faith and for whole-hearted repentance. Tears of tenderness and tears of indescribable grief during mass. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His wondrous mercy and His omnipotent power during the all-night vigil with a large gathering of people, when rivers of temptation drowned my weak, unclean heart, and I was in danger of becoming numb due to the action of opposing forces. I appealed to the abyss of mercy, and it drowned the abyss of my sins and temptations (regarding a very ugly and unattractive girl who fit the image of the holiday - contempt and hostile feelings drowned my heart; I repented, asked for mercy in strong emotional cries and received). When censing, my heart was cold. You have the will to resist sin to the point of death. - Resist, be strong, like the martyrs. Father Alexander, my comrade and colleague, was always extremely kind and helpful to me. This happened quite often: he himself often volunteered for services. We must remember good and forget evil and live in love and mutual respect, like the brethren and disciples of the meek and humble Lord Jesus Christ, the gentle Lamb. Grant, God! Morning. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of deliverance from the wiles of the devil and from the passion of greed before prayer services and especially during the prayer service with Leonid of Pomerania. At first I stumbled from embarrassment and cramped conditions, but then, by the grace of God, I served peacefully, graciously, life-giving, and easily. God bless his wife Irina. After mass. I thank the all-wonderful Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and invincible goodness and power just before mass in delivering me from the hellish cramped conditions and unbearable torment that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards some beggars (a beggar like a gypsy), for stinginess, bitterness of heart, contempt and malice for frequent begging. I seemed to be on the coals of hell or as if severely stung by a serpent - and I turned around before the Lord delivered me from his teeth and terrible sting. And when the Lord visited me with His mercy, I felt light and cheerful. I became a completely new person. During mass I felt heaviness and fatness of heart due, I think, to the modest food I had consumed the day before. The prayer service for the blessing of water after mass was served after the temptations at the beginning sincerely, peacefully, without stumbling. Before Vespers there is a terrible temptation and embarrassment because of the poor and my weakness and my stinginess, hellish tightness and fire; but after diligent repentance, the Lord forgave the sin and gave life and peace. The enemy instilled fear during the reading of the evening prayers and the Great Litany, but by the grace of God I overcame the fear and machinations of the enemy and then served well. I am deeply shamed by God for being deprived of grace for eating humble food during Lent. I experienced this deprivation of grace especially during the all-night vigil and at mass on the day of the Entry into the Church of the Most Holy Theotokos: my heart was rough, dead, powerless, sad and sad. On the day of the Introduction I did not eat the humble meal, and my heart felt much lighter after the evening meal, although there was a strong struggle with enemies who wounded me mortally for my hardness of heart, bitterness and contempt for some of the poor. Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky, an elder, is generally quiet, meek, measured, not angry, not vindictive, not restless, generally polite and affectionate, quite fair. I myself have repeatedly experienced kindness and gentleness in his treatment and regularity, and I felt good and peaceful, pleasant with him, and I left satisfied, without grief. For this, glory to the Lord. May his shortcomings and weaknesses and passions characteristic of man in the state of his fall be corrected and healed by the Physician of our souls and bodies, the Lord Jesus Christ, before whom I say and write this. God! Through the prayers of our father and abbot Paul, have mercy on us. The whole essence is possible for you. Correct, Lord, all of us, for we are all mentally ill, we often think, feel, intend, desire, say and do, or speak and do not do wrong. I thank the Lord for the greatest miracle of my salvation from the terrible wiles of the devil, which befell my weakness and passion during mass at the end regarding the rector’s abdication of the altar watchman and the resulting confusion in the ritual (there was no one to supply warmth, censer, or cut the antidora for the communicants); I was extremely overcome by bitterness in my heart, but by the grace of Christ I defeated the enemy. But I cannot say what lightness, sweetness, clarity there was in my soul after drinking the Holy Mysteries. Glory to the Lord! Evening. I remember the miracles of God’s mercy in me: firstly, when I left the gymnasium and the Lord delivered me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards the poor; secondly, when after the christening of Captain Postelnikov, at the end of which I was somewhat embarrassed and did not utter a few words and was wounded, I repented and asked the Lord with faith for mercy, space and peace, I suddenly received healing and peace in His name, but when then I again showed hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor upon leaving Postelnikov’s apartment and did not give what was required, but only a little, and for this I was again stung spiritually like a serpent and suffered grievously, I went to church, knelt down and cried bitterly, repenting of my sin - I again received mercy and peace. Oh, endless mercy! Oh, my hardness of heart and lack of correction! Mikhail Vasilyevich Volkov served a prayer service reverently and sweetly. We venerate the holy saints of God and their faces as consolation, encouragement and reinforcement for us, pilgrims to the heavenly fatherland, for they too were people subservient to us, but through faith, repentance and their own zeal for virtue and grace they defeated sin, triumphed over the passions and wiles of the devil, were purified, sanctified and now they rejoice forever and pray to God for us day and night. We cannot say: we cannot be saved, for we can, if we want, the saints convict us, encourage us and are ready to support us with their prayers, if we ourselves do not give up. There are very great benefits from the veneration of saints and their icons. I constantly experienced two opposite currents in myself throughout my life: a grace-filled, holy, peaceful, free, sweet current and a sinful current, stormy, deadening, violent, scorching the whole being, soul and body; how much strength of grace, struggle, vigor, patience, repentance, prayer, faith and hope was needed not to be carried away by the opposite current! My whole life has been spent in struggle! But for all the good that has passed, for all the countless mercies and divine powers in this struggle, glory to God, my Savior! His grace, His mercy and infinite grace in the end always triumphed over my sins, weaknesses, passions, and by the grace of Christ I emerged from the struggle or passion of sin as a winner, with a reserve of considerable experience in reasoning about good and evil. But how quickly the time of the twenty-fifth anniversary has flown by! It’s as if everything that happened was just yesterday. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the sorrow and tightness of heart that befell me with the righteous judgment of God for my hard-heartedness towards the poor, to whom I gave less than they asked, especially one of them, who ran after me and repeated his request. I thank the Lord for peace, space and grace of the heart and for the sincere, pure singing of the canon and stichera of praise. But again I sinned by being hard-hearted and harsh in my treatment of a beggar (like a gypsy), often asking for money for supports and, upon receiving it, soon asking again. I obstinately shouted at him, drove him to the other side of the panel and threw angry speeches at him there. I repent with all my heart of the movement of anger, stinginess, love of money, pride, malice, envy and ill will, resentment towards the beggar. Forgive me, my many-merciful Master, for the sake of Your name, for the sake of faith in You, the only one of great compassion... Twenty minutes after writing these lines, having sincerely, deeply and in detail condemned myself with all my heart and all my thoughts in all my sins, I received forgiveness from Christ the Giver of Life with peace, space, freedom and boldness, and while walking on the wall to the sea I thanked and glorified the Lord. Glory! Yesterday, November 24, I served an early mass in the Duma Assumption Church at the request of the merchant Philip Stepanov; my heart was weakened by gluttony the day before (the birthday people ate and drank a lot and sweetly), and at the great entrance the enemy relaxed my heart, so that I did not pronounce the names of the royal family out of demonic fear, as well as after the consecration of the Gifts of Words. First remember, Lord... (Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod and St. Petersburg and Finland), on the dismissal of not all the saints of the day remembered, at the prayer service the Gospel about the Canaanite wife, did not utter the last words: oh, woman! great is your faith: be as you wish [Matthew 15:28]... At the prayer service at the watchman Vasily Ivanovich (in the seventh carriage) I was very embarrassed and concealed my words, thinking about paying for the prayer service... (he is a personal friend of mine). You cannot work for God and Mammon... [Matthew 6:24]. How true is the word! Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. It is dangerous to eat very pleasant food: unnoticed with greed you eat something more appropriate, then you will catch it, but it’s too late (sweet birthday bread from Ekaterina Stepanovna)... You have sinned! The enjoyment of food and drink increases lusts, increases the impurity of the heart, and for a loving God what a loss from this! Greatest loss! That is why the saints led a stern, abstinent, hard-working life; they despised sweet food, fearing to lose the sweetness of God’s grace... It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who indulge in them received no benefit [Heb.13:9]. Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both [1 Cor. 6:13]. The service of the liturgy is for me a measure of righteousness or success or moral decline, or love for God and for the eternal, heavenly fatherland, or a destructive addiction to the flesh and the perishable riches of the earth, or spiritual strength and boldness in God, or carnal weakness and decline of the spirit. Oh, how a priest must always be exalted and free in spirit, spiritual, pure in heart, meek, loving, dispassionate, wise on heaven, not earthly! I am still below, not above, passionate, weak, not free, not peaceful, not enlightened by the eyes of my heart, not confirmed by grace, not having boldness! Alas for me! Woe is me! And this is twenty-five years later! I thank the Lord for His rich, constant, never-failing providence for the poor, always giving me something through good people, so that I can always give boldly and not lose heart. Oh, evil! Oh, cruelty! Oh, impatience! Oh, love of money, self-love, voluptuousness, intemperance, satiety, greed! Oh, envy and brutality! In anger at the beggars for begging, I severely tore the hair of three adult beggars, one to the point of tears. I bent him to the ground by his hair - oh, cruelty! Oh, ferocity! Should a priest do this? Isn't this typical of a robber? Have mercy on me, God, have mercy on me! I have sinned gravely before You, before the Mother of God, before the holy Angels, before the holy saints, before all people! I accuse and denounce, I condemn myself mercilessly. Five o'clock in the evening. We place the sign of the cross on the forehead, heart and chest as the all-powerful weapon of Christ against the devil, who acts in us through the thoughts, feelings and movements of our will or our free strength, which is represented by the muscles of our hands. The Most Holy Lady Theotokos is forever and ever endlessly clothed in Christ, in His truth, holiness, meekness, humility, goodness, mercy, wisdom, power, omniscience and knowledge of the heart, in His greatness, in His Divine simplicity, beauty, in His Divine fragrance. Wonderful is She, our Lady; Let us always revere Her according to our wealth and glorify Her according to our strength, so that we may be worthy of Her merciful intercession and protection both now and on the day of judgment. Morning. I sinned before Matins by running away from the beggars who were chasing me; The Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy. And he also sinned during Matins with internal indignation against the rector and the brethren, that they only hoard money and do not give it to the poor, that, in particular, the priest Klepachevsky unfairly takes advantage of all the benefits of his wealthy, wealthy position, because he neglects the service, extremely shortens it, and rushes through reading and singing in the choir. But then I repented of my zeal, grief, displeasure, I remembered my sins of youth and my great infirmities, my every contentment and security in content, realizing that I had been given very much from God, incomparably more than I would have been worth for my labors - I was reconciled internally with the brethren, realizing that everyone goes his own way and that one is given this from God, another is given another, and the Lord He had mercy on me, giving me peace. While reading the canon, however, the enemy undermined my heart extremely strongly, drawing me towards hostility towards Father Alexander and Klepachevsky, but through secret prayer and repentance I again got rid of the adversary by the grace of the Lord. Ten o'clock in the morning. Now I have a strong, irritable reckoning with Father Superior because of sending me a nun with a book for signatures. He suspected me of interfering in his deanery business, as if I were admiring his rights, and of insisting on frequent attendance for his own benefit. This suspicion blew me away, and I said a lot of bad things to him, that he hated me, wanted to eat me with my arms and legs, etc.... I sinned against the Lord and before people. We must remember the word of Scripture: curb anger as you curb hail [Proverbs 16:33] 148 . I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of deliverance and salvation after communion of the Holy Mysteries and after consuming the Holy Mysteries. When I, wounded and irritated by the devil, at the funeral service for Yakov Andreev, did not utter the words in the depths of Abraham, I cried out in the name of the being of the Body and Blood of Christ for salvation and felt Christ in myself, I now received deliverance from the tormenting devil and was completely at peace. God bless! To pay tribute in the speech (on the occasion of the anniversary) to the brethren, to the measured and sedate character and firmness of the rector, the quietness, meekness and humility of the elder priest and the refinement of the address and manners of the young (courage and dignity), the slender deacon; sedateness, evenness and cordiality in the ministry and life of the youngest deacon; simplicity, diligence and obedience in the service and clarity of reprimand in the reading of the readers of this church, for one person cannot contain all perfections. Mention the guardianship and the employees who supported it with God’s help. And what kind of employees! On Sunday, May 4, it was very difficult for me to serve and even walk partly because my stomach was so tight. May 8. In the third grade, two of my books were given for reading: “The School of Piety” and the Lives of the Saints from May to September. Even Nikolai Grigorievich Sidorov praises us, the priests, the servants of the Church of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called and the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God. This is Your gift, Lord! We do not deserve this, because we have always served and continue to serve unworthily. Bless, Master, and You who approve of us. May 25, 1880. Yesterday, before the christening in Yakovleva’s house, at the keeper’s watchtower, the wife of the Moscow merchant Lebedev, who lives here in Tsepov’s house, spoke about our cathedral priest, Father Peter Klepachevsky, whom she personally met in the same house (at Gortalov’s), that he calls the entire divine service and the liturgy itself and the very communion of the Holy Mysteries a comedy! Oh, horror! Oh, disbelief! Oh, nihilism! Take note and (if necessary) report to the appropriate person. Such a priest is the greatest evil for the parish. Thus, the rumor is confirmed that he, Klepachevsky, drinks tea at home before the liturgy. July 4th. A strange act of my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna, who ran out to pick me up at twelve o’clock at night to the required place. What kind of surveillance?.. She was lying in bed, heard that I went there... What is this? Taking care of my morality? Or something else? Thank you for your tender care, but may God preserve me even without this tenderness through the feeling of His omnipresence and in testing our hearts and wombs. Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky wrote down fifteen rubles (instead of twenty-five) in the mug for a prayer service on the new passenger ship “Tsesarevich”; Deacon Dobronravin was given ten rubles. If the deacon, a boy compared to the archpriest, was given that much, then the rector, the elder, was of course given twenty-five rubles; ten rubles hidden. This is unfair. And who is it for? He already has sixty thousand rubles in silver. Isn't God's bounty enough for him? Will the hidden money be used for future use? I, who works more than anyone in the parish and not in the parish three or four times and receives on an equal basis with those who do not work, must, in fairness, separate from the labors of all my money a part, namely the surplus, for the benefit of the poor and thus return to God, out of gratitude for His generosity to us, part of His gifts, so that He will not leave us in the future and will not withhold His bounties for our ingratitude, for many of the elder brethren, receiving a large allowance for free, do not think to help the poor, they do not consider this their duty, but only hoard and hoard money, so that the oldest member has accumulated tens of thousands (seventy thousand). That is why he behaves like a king. However, I don’t envy him and wish, if it’s fair, more - or what am I saying? No, I wish him to open his treasures and diligently give them to the poor. Sausage and fish with sweet tea and wine are too stimulating things for the passionate flesh. September 23, 1880. Meat soup or borscht and salad with eggs in vinegar and cream are very useful and healthy things. Botvinya made from kvass with vegetables is harmful for me, especially kvass. July 24. August 6. Last night, damned glutton, I ate sardines in Provencal oil with great appetite, and at night - oh, horror! what a lustful temptation! Don't eat any more fish during Lent! I'm getting older - I need little food, I'll be full even without fish, meat, milk and eggs. Oh, what a corrupt heart I have! How many passions are there in him: pride, lust, gluttony, carnality, pride, ambition; vain glory, malice, envy, ill will, malevolence, gloating, deceit, suspicion, cowardice, fear, servility, frivolity, suspiciousness, inconstancy, satiety, drunkenness, fornication, adultery (internal), laziness, negligence, untruth, absent-mindedness, vanity, wastefulness; hard-heartedness, severity, obstinacy, love of money, stinginess, resistance, disobedience, disrespect, disrespect, partiality, contemplation, deceit, anger, irritability, quarrelsomeness, lust, ingratitude, zeal, condemnation, ridicule, inappropriate laughter, impatience, irritation at soulless things, ingratitude. The darkness of sins is in me. To attract everyone to good deeds, spiritual and laity, men and women, to good deeds, so that no one spends time in vain (they sleep a lot and are inactive all the time; both spiritual and worldly persons kindle the passion for money), for the Lord will demand an account from everyone. To you, my Lord God, I sincerely repent of my anger towards the sexton of Kamenograd, in my reproach, anger, magnificence over him, neglect of him, in my cursing of him. Have mercy on me, who is turning, and soften the heart of this reader, attract him to the world, and in the future there will be a union of souls between us! Amen. Wake up. The rector, Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky, received twenty rubles for the marriage of Fyodor Vasilyev for the entire clergy. The wedding was celebrated very casually, in twelve minutes. For the wedding of Britnevsky, the clerk took fifty rubles (if not a hundred), but only wrote down twenty-five rubles in the mug. At night, do not eat anything, especially sweet, like sweet jelly with or without almond milk. The sexton Kamenogradsky plays the role of some kind of spy during the service, standing behind the candle stand and talking with the watchman. What kind of liberty? What kind of nobility?.. Its place is in the choir. (Served: Klepachevsky, Poletaev, Dobronravii. Dobronravii unfairly holds the position of deacon and clergyman, receiving only the deacon's share: the deacon's service is valued above the clergy service, like a rector above a simple priest.) March 20, 1880. Thursday of the Third Week of Lent. From the 21st to the 22nd of March at night at two o'clock a strong flow of scrofulous matter began to flow from the right ear. God bless! The blood will be cleansed of rubbish. The scrofula accumulated and concentrated for a long time; there was no purulent matter for more than eight months. For a long time I felt, especially in the mornings, a heaviness inside and a tendency to sleep, something gnawing inside, and it was scrofula. On Friday before confession, when I began to spit, I felt that I was spitting out scrofulous matter. In the morning that day I ate Lenten pies with apples and mushrooms, Lenten (with butter) soup with mushrooms, fruits with wine - white port, and in the evening at home smelt fish at the birthday boy Markov's. After the prayer service at Markov’s, I drank quite a lot of holy water, and I attribute the outcome of scrofula to the life-giving, healing effect of holy water. I thank the Lord, the Physician of souls and bodies, who frees me from pus and corruption and renews me with His grace. During Matins, the Lord delivered me from the sharp flaming arrows of the enemy through my prayer of repentance after falling at the throne of grace and kissing it. Before being diagnosed with scrofula, there was itching in [...] and itching in the head. There was a strong, painful apathy towards the matter of confession (from scrofula). 24. A copious stream of scrofula continues to flow from the right ear; at night he got up and changed the worn-out cotton paper. March 25. Due to the growing scrofula, I allowed for meat broth, but at night the flow of scrofula became even more abundant - it just flowed like a stream; in nature everything has blossomed, blurred, and in my thin, weak body the same phenomenon. There is a lot of droppings on the streets, the air is bad, the miasma is harmful! At night there was an unclean, demonic dream. (Don’t eat meat broth, but eat cabbage and cabbage soup with mushrooms.) March 29. Scrofula continues to pour heavily from the right ear day and night; Never has purulent matter flowed out in such abundance as this year. Here I am, pus, and why am I seduced by corruptible bodies, even though they are beautiful? Little by little we will have 149 pus. Let us do the work of incorruption, purity, and unfeigned love. May we strive diligently toward life that is imperishable and ageless. From April 6th to 7th I had a very bad headache: I was not allowed to eat spicy substances: horseradish, mustard with vinegar and sour oranges, etc., strong wine (like yesterday’s sherry, although I consumed a little of it), vegetable oil, mealy foods, such as porridge, peas, etc.). April 26. Saturday of St. Thomas Week. The sexton of Kamenograd returned after delivering the artos drunk and read extremely carelessly, hastily, indistinctly, with passes, during the all-night vigil in the cathedral; the singers, as if looking at him, also sang carelessly, hastily, as if they were barking. It was tempting for all the laity to stand at the service of God. The abbot served, who likes it. May God see and judge. The abbot must be advised not to allow the deacon and sextons to travel around the city with the artos in the future. (They took my tin kamilavochniks for artos.) There was a scandal with Nikitin and Kamenogradsky on Saturday during Bright Week: Nikitin secretly took the artos from Kamenogradsky, and this one went to take it away, and a hand-to-hand fight ensued. How does it feel? And how far can scandals with artos go? It’s all greed for money, and most importantly because the sextons are not equal in income to the rector and one (Kamenogradsky) receives a lot, and the other (Nikitin) very little, four times less (Kamenogradsky has books, certificates). Kamenogradsky receives up to seventy and eighty rubles a month, and Nikitin only twenty or twenty-five rubles. Father Klepachevsky Peter refused on May 18, 1880 to go to the men to serve a prayer service, because he was going to St. Petersburg, and I had to go for him. He often refuses, but gets the same as me. Father rector Pavel Trachevsky on May 20 was very angry with the guards because they allegedly took money from me and from Father Alexander Taratin and reported to us about the needs and that he, the rector, was not at all familiar with the parish. On May 20, God gave Peter Nikolaevich Slavinsky a son. On September 4, 1880, on Thursday, Matins, by order of Father Superior Pavel Trachevsky, was started by priest Peter Klepachevsky directly from the Six Psalms, the stichera on the stichera were deliberately omitted, and there was no special litany. The haste and carelessness in the performance of worship is amazing, especially on the part of the deacon and especially the sexton. Matins lasted only twenty minutes, beginning at five minutes past six and ending at twenty-five minutes of the same hour. 4 February 1880 Thursday. Because of the unauthorized and offensive action of the German pastor Bosse towards me, I suffered greatly today before and during matins: an evil spirit tormented me, amusing myself with my displeasure against the pastor and my intention to bring him to light. For he unjustly removed me from the Committee to supply the poor with clothing. How the enemy pressed me, embarrassed me, depressed me, killed me. February 20. Yes, I don’t eat milk during fasting: it creates an unbearable stench in the stomach, and it also weighs me down and makes me sleepy. I thank you, dear brethren, that you have looked favorably and favorably on my twenty-five-year service in the rank of priest, and as a sign of your favorable attention to me, you present me with a precious cross. I don’t know who is more honored in this presentation: you or me. I think that you, who sympathized with my feasible service to the cause of our common sanctification and salvation; yes, to you - the warmth of your faith, love, your Christian feeling. The present day, which marked twenty-five years since the day of my ordination to the priesthood, could pass without being marked by any special sign of attention to my humble ministry, just as similar days pass in the ministry of very many of my brethren. But you, good, enlightened children of the Church, do not like to let these days in the lives of Church leaders go unnoticed. You have already expressed your attention and sympathy in a similar case to the former venerable father deacon, now the priest of this church. Now you honor me with your special attention. May you first of all be honored for your favorable attitude toward my infirmities. I say to infirmities. Yes, I am filled with weaknesses and I know my weaknesses, but the power of God is made perfect in weakness [2 Cor. 12:9]. And it wonderfully happened in me for twenty-five years and, I dare say, through me in many. I tell you about this power of God in me, about the greatest grace of God in me, so that together with me you glorify the Lord Jesus Christ, whose power was expressed in me richly and wonderfully! You do not know, brethren, the multitude of temptations in the life and ministry of a priest, which sometimes suddenly flow together with extreme force, like a gusty storm. These storms of hell, emanating from the serpent of the abyss, are difficult - like a fragile boat at sea, caught in a storm, these storms toss the soul like a small sliver, and are ready to sink it immediately; and this is where God’s omnipotent help and true miracles always appear, a distressed soul is saved from the drowning of hell and rejoices and triumphs every time after such God’s help as one saved from drowning or from the fire of hell. You stand calmly, for example, in a church during a divine service, and meanwhile the priest, serving God, performs, like David, the feat of single combat with the spiritual Goliath, that is, with Satan. But go and fight him at least once - you won’t want to go forward. Who will give the priest strength in the fight against this terrible Goliath, whose one instant breath can immediately kill a soul? – Our Lord is almighty, the true King, of whom David was a prototype and indication. From what storms of passions, sins, sorrows, sorrows did not the Lord, called with faith, deliver me in unfeigned repentance! What infirmities of mine did you not heal! What kind of troubles didn’t he save you from! Glory to His salvation and help. By His mercy and power I was saved a hundred times in one day - how many salvations and mercies of God were there over the course of twenty-five years? There are no numbers for them. My gratitude to the Lord is endless. And I thank the Lord every day, every day I entered the mercies of the Lord into the memorial book, so that they may not be forgotten until the century, and the memory of them strengthens my faith and hope for the future. Brethren! The ministry of a priest is lofty - it is a heavenly ministry on earth, an angelic ministry, a ministry of reconciling people with God [...], cleansing from sinful defilements, sanctification, affirmation, the ministry of our immortality, deliverance from the power of the devil. But the higher our service, the more naturally our common adversary arouses his abuse against the priest, and the priest has to be the first to take upon himself his kindled arrows, to experience the scorching poison of his deadly sting, and we know in advance when he will shoot clouds of arrows at you from his [bow]. And, alas! You feel how they pierce into your soul, you feel how your soul drinks deadly poison. But, thank God, that this misfortune did not completely befall you - the Lord comes and saves, and the saved soul triumphs, rejoicing in God’s salvation. So, for everything, glory to the Lord, mine are only weaknesses and sins. As for my sacramental service, while serving the salvation of your souls, I also serve my own salvation. May the Lord our God bless and save us all. If the cleric of Kamenograd repents of his insolence to the priest, good for him and glory to God, if not, he will fall into the hands of God’s justice and pity him! Then may God deprive him of his rich soil, on which he grew rich, grew fat in heart and forgot God and His commandments. If you, Father Superior, do not force the sexton to apologize to me and treat me properly and [will] accuse me of calling the rebellious and rude sexton a fool, then I will seek to satisfy myself in another way. I will write a report to the Metropolitan, in which, of course, I will generally touch upon the disorder in the clergy (and the lack of the proper number of clerks, and the constraint in correcting demands) and the nature of the bad instincts of Kamenogradsky, who allows himself to be nice to the servants and careless about the service. October 15, 1879 In the third grade, my book “The History of Eusebius” was given to Gerasimov, and another, “The Lives of the Pechersk Saints,” was given to another. October 8, 1880 Father Superior Pavel Trachevsky does not record the income for the betrothal of the bride and groom in the mug. To Pelagia Egorovna Fedulova. To Glykeria Alex. Grechukhina. To Maria Nikolaevna Alexandrova. To Vasily Vasilyevich Kalmykov. To Philip Stepanovich Stepanov. To Nikolai Grigorievich Sidorov. Buy a new blanket - the old one is very [thin] and worn out. Send money and tea to Sura, to Matinus, to Verkola - to Philip Danilov. Mention salvation from drowning at sea, from being mutilated by a horse. Give honor to the cathedral brethren. I am not a warrior alone in the field. Ratch, Strand. street, house number 9, apartment number 32. February 12, 1880. I don’t need roast meat and meat sauce - they put a burden on my heart. In the Mikhailovsky Clinical Hospital, Baroness Willie on the Vyborg side; ear diseases - associate professor 151 Professor Prussak, from three and a half to five o'clock in the evening on Tuesdays. Ischititi (Church Glav.) – to tear out, tear out. Overcome (Church Glav.) – to fight, overcome, defend, win. Hold back anger more than one who seizes a city [Russian: he who controls himself is better than the conqueror of a city] (Proverbs 16:32). Little by little (Church Glav.) - soon, after a little. Satisfy (Church Glav.) – to satisfy, to provide with what is necessary. Adjunct (lat.) – position or title of assistant or deputy in various fields, assistant.