Октябрь 1880 г.

I am offended and indignant at the injustice of people towards me, their hostile attitude towards me (the abbot), which means that I do not yet have in me the spirit of Christ, the spirit of love, enduring everything, not thinking evil, not being irritated, covering everything; I still have in me the spirit of peace, the spirit of anger, pride, self-love. Have mercy and correct me, Lord Lord! Fill my heart with love for my enemies, so that I may be Your servant. Teach me to tolerate human hostility and insults. Now You have changed my heart, filling it with peace, silence, freedom, meekness, gentleness, love. Glory to the wonders of Your mercy, Your grace in me, Lord! After early mass. The greatest misfortune I had was from the spirits of malice at the end of Matins and especially during early mass, partly because of Father Paul, then because of Irina Garbko, who seemed to me extremely proud, towards whom, due to the devil’s action, I also secretly became embittered, and because of the sexton Mikhail Alekseevich, who left at the wrong time. Oh, how I shrank and spun; what cramped conditions, sorrow! What a torment! Only communion of the Holy Mysteries delivered. Mikhail O. Britnev had trouble due to satiety before. Morning. I thank the Lord, who delivered my soul from dead passions (evil suspicion regarding Father Paul), as soon as I began to read the canon in church at Matins to the apostles, St. Nicholas, and the holy martyr Cyprian. The worship of our Church is truly living water, watering our souls, mortified by our passions, mercilessly fighting us and biting us in the likeness of the serpent’s sting. I sinned before God by not satisfying the beggar. I sinned before the Lord, before the Mother of God, before the Angels and holy saints and before all people, by despising Christ God in His members - in His poor people, when I heard their frequent, persistent requests for help in their various needs, that without sympathy and compassion, without zeal and humility, without meekness and quietness of heart, on the contrary, reluctantly, forcedly, with pride, with irritation and rage, sparingly, and not generously, he gave alms to many beggars with words of disbelief, murmuring, annoyance, contempt and malice. He sinned against the Lord by despising the main principle of the law - love for one's neighbor and being a self-indulgent of his passions and lusts, a self-indulgent of pride, malice, envy, voluptuousness, love of money, wickedness, suspicion, vanity, vanity, human servility, partiality, man-pleasing, false shame, false fear and human fear, instead of having in the heart there is only the fear of God; slave of laziness, negligence, disobedience. Of all these and other countless sins, I still and again repent to the merciful Lord and ask for mercy and forgiveness of all the sins I have committed and want correction of all the evil of my life. I need to start with contempt for my passionate flesh, because of which I have so many times without number despised the commandments of my God, life-giving and all-saving. I pray to the Lord to grant me unfeigned love for everyone: for the poor and the rich, the simple and the noble, the sick and the healthy, the sad and the joyful, the good-looking and the ugly, the foolish and the wise, the sinful and the righteous, especially when I serve God and, using ready-made prayers, bring prayers to the Lord for people. A priest who serves the heavenly on earth, preaches the heavenly teaching, performs the heavenly Mysteries of Baptism, sealing with the Holy Spirit through the Holy Myrrh, the Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood and other Mysteries, should have nothing to do with sin, with earthly passions and attachments, habits, with earthly love, but must be all heavenly, holy, God-minded, contemplative, all embraced by divine love and love for neighbors, unfeigned love, which comfortably embraces all people. And since such a mood and such a spirit of evangelical love is hindered by the many-passionate flesh, it is necessary to mortify it, or crucify it with its passions and lusts. Glory to Thee, God my Deliverer and Savior, who saves me every day. Glory to You, who pours out Your bounties on me every day and reveals Your providence for the poor through me, although unworthy, unfaithful (woe is me!) the instrument of Your mercy towards them, often sending abundant alms for them. I am a damned man - from the very morning I fell into the sin of anger and rage and curses at two beggars, whom I called prisoners and to whom I spoke a lot of inappropriate things in a rage. But they are my brothers and members of Christ, co-redeemers, joint heirs of the Kingdom of God; if they have weaknesses, then I am better than them. I grieved the humane womb of the Lord Jesus Christ and grieved the Holy Spirit of the Comforter, for, instead of comforting with a kind word and good-willed, zealous, humble alms, I extremely saddened them. But the Lord accepted my earnest and tearful repentance and had mercy on me, turning sadness into joy, fire into dew, confusion into peace, cramped space into space, despondency into boldness. Glory to our many-merciful, benevolent, quick-to-obey, gracious and beneficial God! Saturday. After Matins. For my hard-heartedness, stinginess and secret anger towards the poor and contempt for some of them, I was cruelly and rightly punished by a long-term devilish obsession and torment, from which I got rid of after intense prayer and repentance and falling to the holy throne in the Peter and Paul chapel. It was so hard for me that I was running around like crazy. But how good it became for me when the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from the spirits of evil, giving me peace, coolness, space, boldness, light, spiritual pleasure! After this I read and sang the canon with a triumphant spirit. Oh, passions, passions! Oh, the catcher of human souls for their destruction, the most wicked, all-deceitful fisher! Oh, the aerial ordeals of the devil, bitter and terrible! And here on earth, during our temporary life, the soul is tortured in these ordeals and can judge by the current tortures about those there, beyond the grave! They are fierce, they are fierce! save yourself, brothers! Since the fall of the first people, a destructive duality has occurred in human nature: sin has infected the entire being of man, has prevailed, weakened, disfigured, darkened the intelligent, beautiful, good, bright, powerful image of God and now does not live in me, that is, in my flesh, the good... in my members I see another law, opposing the law of my mind and captivating me with the sinful law (the law of self-love, lust, intemperance, vanity, pride, envy, malice, disobedience, self-will, sloth, negligence, partiality, partiality, deceit, unbelief, despair), which are in my members [Rom. 7:18,23]. In order to please the God of my life, I must mortify and enslave my body [1 Cor. 9:27], crucify my flesh with passions and lusts [Gal. 5:24], otherwise my own body will destroy my immortal soul, infect its being with ungodly sins and bring it into temporary and eternal death. How many passions are in my sin-loving flesh and how evil, importunately, stubbornly they prevent me from saving what is in me in the image of God (the immortal soul), from loving with all my heart, with all my thoughts and with all the strength of the Lord my God and my neighbor with pure, high, selfless, perfect love! Carnality is idolatry, this is rage, this is constant lawlessness, resistance to God, pleasing the devil, the reign of the devil in one’s entrails, the inculcation of all sorts of absurd, unclean, godless passions, a breeding ground for corruption and disease, preparing for oneself eternal fire, eradicating love for God and one’s neighbor, unnatural merging with the world and its corruption and all kinds of lawlessness. Therefore we must despise and hate the flesh. To hate everything that she especially loves, to which she is partial, in order to love the one eternal God, our eternal life, as the apostles, prophets, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and all the saints loved Him with the whole love of the soul, undividedly, without lack, not divided, but with one soul, one heart. The crafty murderer the devil steals our salvation every day, distracting us from deeds pleasing to God, from deeds of the Christian calling, not allowing us to bear the fruits of repentance in various ways: through carnality, gluttony, delicacy and drunkenness, through love of money or greed and profiteering, through a passion for gambling, for the theater, for reading empty secular books, through passion to dresses, to an idle life, through long sleep (as secular ladies love), through a passion for various entertainments, through withdrawal from church services and sermons, from prayer in general and through aversion from reading the Gospel and books of spiritual content. (What do our secular and military people, especially highly placed ones, do on holidays and every day? Play cards.) So today (October 4) I looked slyly at the convex parts of the virgin’s breasts and was tempted, or brought into my heart the choking poison of fornication and death. Note that the rector of the main city church must give strength to piety in every way, especially through incessant preaching, the eradication of stifling anti-Christian customs (drunkenness, gambling, rampant debauchery, theater), the distribution of books of spiritual content, and the development of the desire for spiritual reading. Warrior of Christ, fight well, unceasingly. Diligently cultivate the field of your heart with good seeds. Sow it continually; pluck up the bad grass by the roots, burn it out. Do the same with the people entrusted to you. Remember well the ninth member 140, remember the unity of the heavenly and earthly Church under the one Head Christ in the one Spirit of God - remember and reflect on how this unity and communion is constantly expressed in all the services of our Orthodox Church (in daily services, according to the numbers of months and years), as we are daily in communion with the saints who adorn and enlighten the firmament 141 of the Church and the fullness of the Church. Fight without losing heart against the fierce world ruler the devil and the world-wide fighter and tempter. You are not alone - the Lord is with you, the Hero and the Rewarder, the Mother of God, the Ethereal Good Powers and the faces of 142 saints; they pray for you, they are ready to help you. You yourself are weak, but they are strong and God is omnipotent and the Queen Theotokos is omnipotent. (But what is it like to live according to the Gospel and fight with the worldwide fighter, the Lutherans, the English, who have no helpers and co-workers in heaven, who do not recognize the need for their intercession (the holy Angels and the holy saints of God)?) The enemy always tries to plunge our soul into the depths of despair and ultimate relaxation, suddenly stopping it and destroying it due to our worldly addictions. Therefore, you always need to be on guard of your heart and not allow your mental enemies to pierce your soul. One must always pray and not lose heart [Luke 18:1]. The Lord is near [Phil.4:5]. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the lust of fornication in the all-destructive heart. Oh, how painful is sinful domination! Oh, how sweet is the Lord's forgiveness and cleansing! I thank the Lord for deliverance from temptations and for help from above during the service of the liturgy and the delivery of the sermon, and for the well, cheerfully, and dignified prayer services served by the officer Adamovich and the merchant. Morning. I thank the Lord, who has now surprised me with His great mercy in delivering me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me righteously for being cruel to the poor, who asked for money for cheap shoes, whom I refused; when I sincerely repented, He, most merciful and generous, obedient and kind, forgave me my sins and gave me peace, boldness, heart space, life instead of death. I thank the Lord for giving me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling in the Assumption Church (started at nine o’clock) and receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and defeat the devil’s stubbornness, which it inflicts on my soul: cowardice, despondency, despair, fear, fear. At the great entrance, he unfailingly reprimanded In the first, remember, Lord, the Holy Governing Synod, too, although with effort. Against violence you always need the power of grace and your own effort. Amen. Evening. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of my diligent, deep, reasonable, heartfelt repentance, delivered me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me for stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor, for my unbelief and lack of faith, pride and ill-will, and who gave me peace and boldness with space. It was on the way from the sick widow Uvarova to the Grechukhins in Sinebryukhov’s house on Berezovaya Street. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord for deliverance from sorrow and oppression as a result of my repentance, when I, secretly creeping towards voluptuousness from gazing at the face and eyes of the girl and thereby being embarrassed and wounded in my soul and falling into sorrow, prayed to the Lord to have mercy on me, to deliver me from delusion, from poison, corruption and abomination and to grant me peace, freedom, boldness. Received. Glory to the Lord! You don’t want others to think or say bad things about you - and you don’t think or say bad things about others without having a fair reason or real reason for it on the part of those who actually do bad things or think bad things and say bad things. Suspiciousness about people doing something bad without a valid reason is a sin. A person can often attribute his dreams, the dreams of his vicious and evil heart or imagination, to others and thereby have an unkind relationship with them. Ten o'clock. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the temptations of the prodigal, granted to me by His grace for my sincere repentance, for giving me peace, freedom, space, boldness, life-giving currents. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer delivered me from the lust of evil, that is, from hostility towards the rector, Father Paul, for his immeasurable greed and hard-heartedness, combined with contempt and pride towards the poor and all morally small and poor or poor people, and for extreme servility and indulgence towards the rich and noble. I secretly repented, condemned myself for insane hostility and for similar passions and shortcomings that sometimes occur in me, and the Lord now had mercy on me, giving me peace and a good conscience. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from spiritual death, loss of spirit, embarrassment, sorrow and cramped conditions that befell me for wishing during prayer for part of the money in my favor that was expected for the prayer service at Andrei Semenov (I served alone, without a sexton). I secretly prayed to the Lord God before the holy icons, and the Lord had mercy on me. Then I was embarrassed because the abbot did not write down the money for the betrothal of Kudryavtsev’s daughter to Neustroev, and then I was embarrassed because of the beggars. He repented and had mercy! At home late in the evening at eight o'clock the Lord delivered me for repentance from an unclean movement of my heart from a partial and voluptuous view of the girl. In the morning I don’t need to eat at all, especially black bread and milk: it burdens me and makes me sleepy, preventing me from doing mental work. Evening. I was severely and long-lastingly punished by God’s justice, abandoned by His goodness and grace through betrayal to the enemy, a murderer, once or twice: the first time less, the other more and more severely; in both cases for stinginess and hardness of heart towards the countless poor. In the first case, he suffered before Vespers itself and during it, but for repentance and diligently falling down repeatedly with faith before the Holy Altar, he was pardoned and received peace. The second time after the christening at Smirnov’s in Novaya Pavlovskaya Street, when I left the house and went home, and beggars, adults, young people chased after me and did not lag behind me; I ordered the city guard to take one beggar, who was more annoying than anyone else, I ordered him with indignation and embitterment; after that I was extremely confused and wounded in my soul, as if the fire of hell was burning in my insides; I felt grief, and with all my heart I repented of pride, hard-heartedness, stinginess, love of money, lust, malice, pride, ingratitude, ill-will, guile, insensibility, lack of compassion, hypocrisy and partiality, effeminacy, luxury, vanity, overprotectiveness, laziness, negligence, envy, disobedience, waywardness, unbelief, lack of hope, lack of love. For a long time I repented with tears, walking in the church garden, and finally the Lord had mercy on me when, with sincere, deep repentance, I erased, so to speak, my sins, and gave me peace. And how sweet this world was to me, this space of the heart! Oh, I thank the most merciful Lord! Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. He sinned before the Lord, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and all the saints, reproaching the beggar and calling him lazy in anger at him for begging; gave him twenty-nine kopecks (previously nine kopecks, but now twenty), asked for a caftan. Whatever good I do to the poor, I do everything for myself, I gain and do not lose, even if I gave everything away, for the Lord is able to repay, therefore I must give willingly, diligently, meekly, good-naturedly every gift, for God Himself accepts in the person of the poor. Oh, how disrespectful I am to the image of God in the person of the poor, to the members of Christ and, therefore, to Christ God Himself, who took upon Himself the form of a slave - the image of a man and copulated with us most sincerely! How soon I get tired, selfish and carnivorous, of doing good to harm myself! But he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly; and whoever sows generously will also reap generously [2 Cor. 9:6]! I thank the Lord, who sent me twenty rubles for the funeral services and the service of the funeral mass for Arkhip Kozmich, an old man of 90 years old. They say: there are a lot of beggars in Kronstadt. What of this? God sent us this multitude so that Kronstadt, this Sodom and Gomorrah, although it could somewhat atone for its sins with alms, may not be burned by heavenly fire and may not be cast into the abyss like the indicated cities. Who knows, maybe some of these beggars are righteous and because of them there is hail? Does this seem strange to you? We are accustomed to looking down on them, as idle people, parasites, scoundrels (God, forgive me for what I say), and at ourselves, as people of action, worthy, kind people, worthy of praise and honor! Oh, how cruelly we might not make a mistake! Lest we, according to God’s judgment, end up last, and they, although not all, first! Does God look at us the way we look at each other? For man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart [1 Samuel 16:7]! What if God now strictly demands all our thoughts, words, actions, our idle, vain deeds, enterprises, amusements and sees in most cases a complete absence of truly Christian deeds, deeds of love, mercy, meekness, truth, unselfishness, sincerity, zeal for the works of God, for deeds of service, for the deeds of raising children in the rules of faith and fear of God? Will we then be better than these poor people, who are constantly shaking from cold and hunger, despised, reviled, slandered? Judge not, lest ye be judged [Matthew 7:1]. How many unspeakable blessings have I received from the Lord during the time of my priesthood and before the priesthood, in educational institutions and before them, and how ungrateful I am often before God, sparingly giving alms and harshly, reproachfully treating the poor! I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness after I, with anger and reproach, gave money to three beggars for their needs, after they had been waiting for me for a long time in the cold. I called them brutes when I gave them money in annoyance. I repent of this with all my heart. Seven and three quarters o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for His great mercy poured out on me while I was leaving the funeral service at Evgenia Leontyeva (the widow of the cashier of the Savings and Loan Partnership), suppressed by grief and distress for condemning the rector for extreme covetousness and amassing great wealth, for lack of sympathy for the needs of the lesser brethren - the sextons and deacon Arseny (on deacon's salary) and for not giving alms to a beggar - and repented of my sins deeply and strongly, calling on all my faith in the mercy of the Lord to help. The Lord had mercy on me when I approached the Assumption Church to take my order there. I especially felt perfect mercy when I venerated the Holy Altar with faith. Then I thanked the Lord and walked for a long time in the air and prayed. Now the Lord, through the prayer of repentance, saved me from the movement of lust and lustful poison. Glory to the Lord! Resurrection. My great enemy is truly my many-passionate flesh, extensively nourished and pleased; she is the killer of my soul, faith, hope, love, boldness, courage, firmness. I must certainly mortify it and enslave it, tame all passions: self-love, ambition, pride, vanity, envy, lust, love of money, malice, anger, laziness, negligence, stubbornness, fornication, uncleanness. During Matins and early mass, I suffered greatly from demons because of my flesh, because of yesterday’s gluttony - meat-eating, eating black bread with butter in the evening to be full, drinking sweet tea. My heart weakened in the fight against the unclean spirits that angrily and violently attacked me, and I missed a few words when reading the Gospel, I stole release from demonic violence, the words in the prayer to Christ, the True Light, at Mass the names of the Tsarevna and Grand Duke Nicholas, after the consecration of the Holy Gifts, the prayer for the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, but after communion of the Holy Mysteries I was able the grace of Christ over insidious demons. God bless! The sermon was spoken loudly. At the prayer service for the blessing of water after the early liturgy, there was extreme temptation, reluctance to serve, and stubbornness, displeasure and grief at the Berzins (the fisherman and fisherwoman), who forced him to serve. The entire service ended at half past eight in the morning with the singing of all the stichera on the Lord, the cry, the stichera and the praises, and while reading the entire Sunday canon. Where are we in a hurry? We will have time to do everything. I thank the Lord, who saved me several times through the prayer of repentance from the trap of passions, from sorrow and distress, and who has now saved me. Sweets away! More abstinence and prayer and vigil and work! Write the science of worship. Last night I got angry with a woman who called me to give unction and communion to a poor woman (she made a point of her poverty). Oh, self-love, oh, selfishness! Oh, dislike! Oh, unmercifulness and cruelty! I blame myself completely. And in my dreams I dream of all the delicious dinners! Oh, gluttony, oh, idolatry! How often have I not performed my duties with love, carelessly, insincerely, coldly, without sympathy! I blame myself completely! Study yourself carefully in different circumstances, know your weaknesses, shortcomings, passions and correct yourself immediately. The time is already short... [1 Corinthians 7:29]. Evening. I was very angry with the black beggar when he caught me at the gymnasium (training crew building). I judge myself for this. Having torn his hair out, I gave him thirty kopecks. Oh, malice! Self-love! Love of money, stinginess, unbelief, lack of hope, dislike! Disrespect for the person of man, for the image of God, which is dearer than all the treasures of the world, for the holy, Christian joint, for the body of Christ, for [...], for it is said: you are the church... of the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit of God lives in you [1 Cor. 6:19; 3:16]. Wednesday. Evening. I sinned gravely before the Lord by becoming angry with the beggars who were catching up with me in different places and asking for alms, although I gave to them, but I gave it reluctantly, under compulsion, with annoyance and anger, stingily, as one of little faith, not trusting in the all-good, vigilant, righteous and generous Providence of God, without love and sympathy. I was punished for this with cramped conditions and sorrow, I began to repent, to pray sincerely for my sins, and the much-merciful and unforgettable Lord had mercy on me, giving me life and peace again. Glory to the Lord! In the Mother of God all the divine perfections of Her Only Begotten Son, Lord and God and our Savior Jesus Christ eternally shine, She is all adorned with Divine glory, in Her the Lord God eternally rests, worshiped and glorified in Three Persons. O red sun, Most Pure Virgin! O complete union of all virtues! O totality of all the aromas of the Divine fragrance! O All-merciful, All-powerful, All-pure, All-wise, All-destroying, Most peaceful! Save us sinners with Your prayers. After Matins. I sinned gravely before God, before the Mother of God, before the holy Angels and holy saints and before all people, and even more so before my household, because I became very angry with the servants who did not open the doors to my apartment for a long time when I came from Matins, and I hit her with my hand in the face and tore her hair (Anna, an old maid, rude and evil, sometimes kind). I repent with all my heart to the Lord my God for my insolence and assault with my hand: a priest especially should not beat anyone with his hand, but be meek, kind, and patient. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for repentance from the destructive movement of carnal lust and gave me boldness, peace and freedom. I repent of the fact that in the evening I did not satisfy the request of two beggars who asked for money for clothes. I only gave five kopecks, making the excuse that there were a lot of beggars. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the early liturgy given to me and for His unfaltering grace in serving it, and especially for the non-judgmental, life-giving communion of His Holy Mysteries and for the victory over the invisible enemies who attempted to overthrow and shame me (when I said for the communicant Kovrigina I believe, Lord, and I confess 144, etc.). With all my heart I condemn and scold myself for the fact that at dinner today I greedily ate a fatty roast duck and burdened my stomach and my heart, completely weakening it for love of God and unfeigned love for neighbors, increased prodigal tendencies, partiality, vanity, fear of demons, so that I was ineffective at the prayer service with the Grechukhins and during the service all-night vigil in the cathedral (while reading the Gospel, dismissal, prayer to Christ, the True Light. He was angry with Procopius, the altar guard, for the stench of the incense). The Lord delivered me many times during the all-night vigil, when I fell in repentance at His holy throne. Resurrection. After mass. It was extremely difficult for me while serving the liturgy: loss of spirit, or an extremely painful mood, cramped conditions, grief from the influence of evil demons, from the soreness of the body itself (the stomach was strengthened) and from the excessively warm, humid atmosphere of the church, coming from the new ovens. Before communion of the Holy Mysteries, I felt like I didn’t belong. Then he came to life and said his word. He also served prayer services with extreme difficulty, with a lack of boldness, disgracing himself internally, I don’t know why. At the school of trusteeship, the prayer service was served with difficulty, also with a loss of spirit, although he was cheerful. The members sent nine rubles and a bottle of sherry worth two rubles and fifty kopecks for the name day. Thanks to them! Is it not because of the lack of alms that the Lord leaves me with consolation and peace of conscience? They give me money from everywhere, but I give little, although to many, many. Dream. Two boys run up to me in tears. I ask: what are you crying about, what do you need? They say: life is necessary. Aren't these poor boys? Indeed, they need life: their lives are ruined by extreme poverty. In the dream there is a note from Janisch with Latin words in places... I thank the Lord, who has mercy on me and delivers me from the oppression and sorrow of sin for my repentance and faith: now the Lord has delivered me from the creep of sin and oppression. During Matins, He was living water for me during the reading of the litanies, the canon, and prayers. During the great litany, ethereal enemies attacked me and began to steal the words, but I took courage and again repeated the words of the litany that they had damaged in my mouth. Evening. Five o'clock. I thank You, Lord my God, who has now delivered me from the great sorrow, oppression, fire and spiritual captivity that befell me for humiliating the poor, especially one beggar youth who came up several times for alms. I sinned with malice, pride and contempt. When I sincerely repented before the Lord, on my knees and before the icons, He had mercy on me, giving me peace. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving, renewing most pure, Divine, heavenly, life-giving, terrible Mysteries. If I have all earthly blessings, but do not have Christ in my heart, I have nothing, without Him there is no life, no peace, truth, holiness, boldness, freedom and space of the heart, light and strength. If, on the other hand, I have very little or no earthly blessings, but if I have loved Christ with all my heart, then I have everything, I am rich, famous, and smart. Glory to You, Christ, wonderful, inexhaustible, all-sufficient treasure. Why is there so much confusion, melancholy, despondency, discontent in human hearts? Because they have not believed in Christ in their hearts, they do not have Christ in their hearts, the slightest loss of property, honor, or health greatly worries them and plunges them into despondency. He who has acquired Christ is content even when he would have lost all earthly well-being, even if he were tormented for Christ. Why do we depict on ourselves daily and often the sign of the cross when we put our fingers together, depicting the numbers three and two, or the Holy Trinity and Christ our Savior in two natures? Of course, so that the Holy Trinity and the One of the Trinity, who suffered and died and rose again for us, were constantly in our thoughts, in our thoughts, and in our hearts and were glorified by our deeds and our whole life. And what truly innumerable benefits would be for our souls if we constantly thought about God, our Creator, Provider and Savior, and loved Him, and lived according to His commandments! Just remembering God sincerely is already joy for the soul. We remembered God and rejoiced, says the prophet David [Ps.77:4]. Ask clerk [K...] for five rubles. Early winter. There was a snow deluge on October 20, and the sea froze on October 16; There was a lot of snow with strong storms and blizzards. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my repentance before the liturgy itself from cramped conditions and sorrow for refusing with anger some beggars (fingerless); For a long time I fell to the holy throne in repentance, and the Lord delivered, giving peace. During the mass itself, which I accomplished without stumbling by the grace of God, at the very end, after communion, the enemy outraged and mortally oppressed me through grief at the sexton for the fact (oh, an empty excuse!) that the sexton sang little and did not sing what and how much was required during communion; Because of this embarrassment and the violence of the devil, I could not read the entire prayer behind the pulpit without stumbling, but then with repentance and faith I stopped the ethereal enemies who had tripped and confused me, and I triumphed in myself over them by the power of the atoning blood of Christ, which I had accepted, and I said the dismissal solemnly, calmly, completely, to the end, and served the requiem without stumbling. The Lord also saved me from the great distress and sorrow that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards the woman Theoktista, who demanded unction, in a position of walking everywhere, and not lying down; Many times she pestered me to give her unction, but I did not agree with annoyance, saying that I would confess and commune her, but I would not give her unction. I again fell to the holy throne in repentance and received mercy and peace from the Lord. Then, on the way to the gymnasium, he became angry with the beggar giant for extorting him and gave him to the city guard, who pushed him away from me; I was wounded in my soul and stung in my heart, but for my zealous repentance I again received pardon in the gymnasium itself. Glory to the Lord, gracious and merciful He served Mass with great spiritual labor; received miraculous relief from the Lord through the prayer of repentance; He fell several times due to his sinfulness and rose up by His grace. There were many prayer services. In the evening, the Lord sovereignly and mercifully delivered us from the encroachment of the unclean. Today the Lord saved me a hundredfold from the cramps and deaths of the soul that befell me through my sins and the wiles of the devil, both in church during Matins, and during mass, and after mass, and after prayer in the gymnasium, and at prayer. What terrible cramped conditions, despondency, pressure, despair the evil one plunged me into when I carelessly gave one baby the communion of holy blood that was more appropriate and he vomited on his throat! But by repentance and trust in the infinite mercy of God, I triumphed over the wiles of the enemy through the same blood of God, which I accepted into myself, for it is my deliverance, cleansing, sanctification, reconciliation with God. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and His power during Matins and Liturgy many times over in delivering me from the evil wiles of the demons and who gave me tears of tenderness during the Liturgy and the grace of a cheerful, stumbling-free service of Matins and Liturgy and the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries to the highest degree. When I read the canon and prayers for communion for the communicants, I soon felt in my soul healing from my passions. I thank the Lord, who saved me before the prayer services in the wing of Lyubov Petrovna Estafieva in Novaya Street, at the janitor’s in Dmitrieva’s house, at the market, and before the christening in Korshunov’s house, and at the beginning of the snack at the table. After the christening there was no scarf - I felt sorry and hurt and died in spirit. The Lord accepted repentance and revived and pacified. Saturday. I thank the Lord for saving me from spiritual drowning and hellish captivity of invisible spirits who attacked me mercilessly during Matins and fiercely scorched me, confused and wounded me, especially when reading the Six Psalms; only the mercy of God, which touched the tearful cry of my soul, saved me from their villainy. A spirit of hostility and fear towards the abbot was aroused in me, and during the reading of the canon, ethereal enemies aroused in me a fierce hostility towards the abbot, which by the grace of God I overcame and calmed down, solemnly completing all the litanies and exclamations. Due to yesterday's gluttony and drinking wine after the christening, the heart was extremely hardened, only the long struggle during Matins with temptations and the endless mercy of God overcame and erased it. It is dangerous and difficult to indulge in excess in food and drink. After Matins there is severe sorrow due to hard-heartedness towards the poor man and failure to fulfill his request. But through the prayer of repentance (long) I got rid of cramped conditions and sorrow. A greedy, money-loving, voluptuous, ambitious, vain-glorious man is entirely in the power of the prince of the darkness of this age, the devil, and is chained, as it were, with iron chains to the world and its temporary, vain goods, and cannot love God and his neighbor, for he loves only himself, his passions and is in the darkness and shadow of death, often in the oppression and shame of the heart. Only through sincere repentance, unfeigned self-condemnation, through humility, abstinence, prayer and irrevocable acts of mercy can he free himself from these hellish bonds and enter the state of glorious freedom of the children of God! Evening. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the liturgy without stumbling (except for the commemoration of the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan for the consecration of the Holy Gifts), with my constant help from His grace, as well as during the incessant machinations of Belial, who fought and confused me. At the end of the mass, I was tempted by the enemy because, out of fear of him, I did not pronounce the name of St. Alexander Nevsky at the dismissal, and at the litia I did not pronounce all the previously deceased forefathers, our father and brothers, the Orthodox Christians who lie here and everywhere, and all the Orthodox soldiers who laid down their lives for the faith, the Tsar and the Fatherland in battle (because I was accustomed for self-interest only to remember the deceased and healthy, and for this no one pays for remembrance... like no one? But does not the righteous God, who looks at the heart, reward both here and there and reward with eternal bliss those who themselves believe and live well, and sincerely remember the dead in piety?). Oh, selfishness, oh, dislike! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great and prolonged sorrow and distress that befell me for not remembering all the forefathers and others who had previously died... and who has given me peace; and many times in the evening the Lord had mercy on me for repenting that I was hard-hearted and stingy towards the poor, having loved not the beggars with whom I was angry, but money, decay, and rubbish. Oh, my ingratitude before God, who has been generous to me, a sinner! So that for what has been given to us, through the intercession of many, many may give thanks for us [2 Cor. 1:11]. And the gift of God is in me through the prayers of many. Belial will quickly come into the depths of my heart and weaken it either with vain fear, or with his contempt, slander [and fortune telling 145], hostility towards someone, or gluttony, voluptuousness, or self-interest and envy, or servility and false shame, and my many-sinful heart is extremely inclined towards all this. This happens to me during divine services, especially on major holidays and on Sundays, until my soul, through a strong and prolonged struggle with opposing forces, is cleansed and strengthened by the grace of God. Resurrection. During Matins and especially the Liturgy, there is internal shame and loss of spirit from the extreme attack and violence of fallen, shameful spirits. This shame and loss of spirit haunted me until the end of the liturgy, however, after communion I rose from cowardice and shame and felt high, having been clothed in Divine dignity and glory through communion with the Lord. After the mass at the prayer service, when Father Deacon remembered at the litany only the father of Priest Demetrius, the sexton’s father-in-law, I felt terrible anger at the sexton, who, as it seemed to me, was working only for himself and was making it difficult for us with his prayer service (and the prayer service, as it turned out, was ordered). As soon as I defeated this hostility, like a flood, it carried me away with violence, scorching, devouring me like fire; Only by diligent repentance with prayer and falling to the throne could I extinguish the hellish fire of anger in myself and could read the Gospel, but I did not say goodbye. I thank the Lord, who sent me the spirit of understanding and reasoning, or prudence, by which I reasoned that when we pray for Father Priest Demetrius, we pray and bring benefit to everyone and everyone who prays, and to ourselves - for what we do good to others, we do to ourselves. And during the all-night vigil, while singing stichera and reading and singing the canon, the devil repeatedly set me on fire with anger at the sexton. Oh, indescribable malice and devilish deceit! Oh, the cunning of the fox! Oh, wolf's ferocity! Oh, vigilance of spirit, tirelessness in the pursuit of your hellish goals! If the Lord had not saved us from his jaws, what would have happened to me? He would have swallowed me up long ago! And now the Lord saved me from the spiritual beast, from its teeth at three and a quarter in the afternoon. And how many times a day the Lord mercifully saves me from my evil character! Evening. I thank the Lord for the wondrous and speedy deliverance of me in the room of the seventh carriage (near the Summer Garden) before the prayer service, before which I spoke sharply about the stinginess and hoarding of the rector’s father and the supposed unkind death due to the love of money, which made me troubled in spirit. The Lord gave me peace, boldness, freedom, and space for repentance. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the new cramped conditions in Brovtsyn’s house before the baby’s baptism; I prayed with faith in repentance, and the Lord had mercy on me. But now (seven o’clock in the evening) the Lord had mercy on me with the greatest mercy, saving me from the deadly delusion into which I fell while talking with the girl [...]. Morning. From gluttony and greed come all the passions of the soul: malice, envy, fornication, wickedness, hard-heartedness, love of money, stinginess, laziness, negligence, rancor, ill will, malevolence, malevolence, suspicion, disrespect, disobedience, severity and obstinacy of character, despondency, cowardice, frivolity and absent-mindedness, neglect of the soul, of repentance. and correction and virtuous life; the slave of the womb is completely a slave of all passions, a slave of animal instincts and passions. Gluttony kills the nobility of the soul, its heavenly aspirations and properties. I thank the Lord, who yesterday and today repeatedly saved me from the corrupting movement of passions, especially from an evil, painful, oppressive, deadening mood and from unclean movements of the flesh. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to glorify the Holy Great Martyr Paraskeva together with the Mother of God during Matins with all my heart, in a clear and loud voice. I thank the Lord for the sweet tenderness and heavenly, most blissful contemplation of the joy, holiness, salvation and beauty of the divine service of the Christian Orthodox Church - during the all-night vigil at the opening of the royal doors at the polyeleos and for the unfailing reading of the Gospel. I thank the Lord, who put an end to the power of demons strong in evil, who confused and stained my soul with uncleanness during the Sunday all-night vigil before the dismissal, which, despite their cunning, I pronounced loudly and freely. Dig deeper... Excavate and deepen... [Luke 6:48]. We lack sincerity and depth in all matters of salvation: in the matter of prayer, reading and listening to the word of God, in good deeds, in our words, conversations, teachings, in our service to our neighbors, society, the Church, in our humility, non-covetousness, almsgiving, obedience, patience, abstinence - everything is superficial, frivolous. At the bottom of the hearts lies a stone of sinful habits, addictions: pride, selfishness, lust, gluttony, carnality, hostility, envy, disobedience, laziness and negligence. Dig deeper, dig, drill through the rocky soil of sins, until you reach the source of living water flowing into eternal life [John 4:14]. And there are so many different passions in us, so many thorns! How we, the descendants of the earthy Adam, suffer and suffer because of him! How it suppresses the truth of the word of God, prayer, and thought of God. These thorns are worries about food and drink, or greed, worries about clothes, especially smart clothes, facial beauty (vanity), about money, about distinctions in service, about revenge on enemies, insults from someone, rancor, etc. These passions prevent you from sincerely hearing and keeping the word of God, from sincerely, heartily praying, from thinking about God and the salvation of souls, because they occupy and disturb the soul day and night. 9th member of the Creed: I believe... in One Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. Firmament (Church Slavic) – here it means sky, firmament. Face (Church Glorious) – assembly, host. Tniti (Church Glav.) – to destroy. Prayer before communion. Fortune telling (Church Glav.) – abuse, swearing, slander.