Сентябрь 1880 г.

New church year. Morning. I thank the Lord, for in an instant I cut off the devil’s tightness and sorrow with the cut of the Holy Spirit, when I touched with faith in repentance the Holy Altar in the Church of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called - sorrow and tightness for hard-heartedness and stinginess. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from sorrow and distress on the 29th at the all-night vigil just before the parimia. I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength to overcome in the name of His ethereal enemies in a mine workshop during a prayer service. I thank the Lord, who corrected me from my fall at the morning funeral service at the Boyleys for their mother Barbara and who gave me the courage to say calmly and smoothly the entire funeral; and the litanies muttered hastily and vaguely from the fear of enemies that drowned my heart. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who soon heard my prayer of repentance regarding my grief at Deacon Arseny, who did not come at the invitation to the funeral service at Admiral Boyle’s on September 1 at seven o’clock in the evening and responded rudely to my remark. I was in confusion, excitement and closeness of spirit, and through a short prayer of faith and repentance, the Lord gave me peace. But correct, Lord, Deacon Arseny, a deceitful, rebellious, transgressor. At the end of the evening funeral service, I became embarrassed, hesitated and did not utter the words of dismissal due to grief at the faulty and disobedient deacon. It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. I experience this myself quite often. Grace with the prayer of repentance strengthens the heart, and various fast food and drinks extremely relax the soul and make it a playground for sin and the devil, as happened today at the evening funeral service at Boyle’s, when I served alone without a deacon. O [memorial] dinners! How much evil, misfortune, slander from invisible enemies comes from you! Do not forget, priest, the words of the Apostle: even if a person falls into some sin, you spiritually correct him with the spirit of meekness: be careful, lest you also be tempted [Gal.6:1]. I sinned yesterday (September 1), saying to the deacon in grief and annoyance the words: oh, deacon, deacon, - but he was faulty, did not come to the funeral service at the appointed hour: I should not have been at all upset with him even during the funeral service, which I served alone, and I, tempted by the enemy, allowed hostility in my heart against the deacon and was tempted myself. Yes, I will take care of myself in the future. At night I slept with the grace of God the healthiest, most peaceful sleep. Let go, Lord, to Deacon Arseny: I don’t know what he’s doing. The devil stirred his heart and provoked him to contradict me, and tied his feet so as not to go to the funeral service on time. May you observe it henceforth, Lord! And keep me from the temptations of the evil one! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from anxiety and a terrible storm. Deliver me from two troubles, Lord: from the devil and the deacon, his novice. You won’t find protection with us, that is, with Father Dean Pavel Vas. Trachevsky, therefore I will not tell him about the deacon’s insults to me, about his disobedience to me and his malfunction. God allowed the fall of the angels and their perversion of their nature, as well as the fall of man, so that His eternal perfections would be more strikingly revealed: His infinite truth and holiness, His boundless goodness and love, His immutability, His eternal glory and beauty on the rational creatures faithful to Him - and may the ungrateful and evil, the bitter and unrepentant, be covered with eternal dishonor and torment. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who inexpressibly graciously spared me with His deliverance during the liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church during my secret repentance and delivered me from the hellish tightness and sorrow that befell me over a quarrel with the deacon Father Arseny, with whom I made peace. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival and salvation through the communion of the Divine Mysteries: I came to life, was resurrected, perked up, inspired, cheerful. Glory to the mercy and salvation of our Lord Jesus Christ for all. I thank the Lord, who has given me the truly great grace to carry out the funeral service for the deceased servant of God Varvara Bolyarini (Boyle) without stumbling and to conduct her beyond the gates. I thank the Lord for your boldness and steadfastness in pronouncing dismissals with the parting words of Alexandra Nikiforovna Berzina and during the prayer service with Evdokia Lukinishna Gulyaeva; I thank the Lord for accepting my repentance and quick pardon and deliverance of my unworthiness from carnal lust, for extinguishing the hellish fire of uncleanness at four and a half o'clock in the evening. During mass in the Assumption Church, my heart was confused and depressed by the pity of the new kamilavka, so as not to smoke from the censer (stupidity, addiction, vanity, idolatry!), and in the cathedral, during the funeral of General Boyle, by the pity of the 50-kopeck order ribbon (oh, stupidity! oh, passion for the earth and corruption!), and from this stupid passion my heart fell away from God, the source belly, temporary and eternal, and died. O heart, aching with corruption and hitherto not loving incorruption! O crazy heart, not knowing its own benefit, its native element - the sky! O blind heart - blind by will, and not by nature! It's enough for you to double yourself! It’s time to cleave to God alone and abandon, to hate all worldly addictions that separate the soul from God, from His truth, from His life! The incarnation of the Son of God filled all the angelic minds with surprise and horror, and people remain for the most part insensitive and ungrateful to this wondrous, wonderful act of God’s providence for the salvation of the human race. Only the Holy Church worthily, according to its strength, has appreciated and appreciates this wonderful providence of God for the salvation of the world and daily and annually remembers and glorifies the wonderful event of the incarnation of the Son of God, His life with people, His miracles, prophecies, His teaching and all the commandments, advice, promises, His suffering, death, burial, resurrection and ascension into heaven and the future second coming. But [most] Christians are indifferent and cold towards the Church. Amazing naps and sleep! The heavens and the earth were horrified at this, and the ends were amazed, as if God had become a man carnally 138... You sign yourself with the sign of the cross in order to always remember that you have been redeemed from sin, curse and death by the cross, blood and death of the Son of God, and, like Christ, you must live holy and beware of sin in every possible way. Glorify God both in your body and in your soul, which are God's [1 Cor. 6:20]. The evil demon tries by all means to nail our hearts to earthly things at every moment, on every occasion and occasion, so that we do not look either to God, or to the heavenly fatherland, or to the indescribable blessings there, but look only at vanity and love vanity, empty and insignificant things, leaving our soul and its unearthly needs unattended, and thus at the end of our lives we depart from here empty-handed, without stock of good deeds. May you pay attention to yourself at every hour, so as not to allow yourself to be robbed by the enemy, who mercilessly seeks our destruction. Walk... value your time, for the days are evil [Eph.5:15-16]. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the unfailingly early liturgy in the Assumption Church and who revived, renewed, and made me joyful with the communion of the Holy Mysteries and then, through my faith and intensified prayer, took away the devil’s grief at the sexton for the little singing of the sacramental verses. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to hold a public funeral service in the torpedo workshop for Master John, who was killed by a mine. I thank the Lord, who soon accepted my repentance of unmercifulness and hard-heartedness towards two beggars who persistently asked me for money for shoes and who granted me forgiveness and peace of mind when I was sitting in Peter’s Garden. Oh, sweet mercy of God! I thank the Lord, who forgave me for my new hardness of heart when I, in repentance, begged Him for forgiveness while going to the gymnasium, and who gave me the greatest spiritual pleasure in the fifth, fourth and sixth grades of the gymnasium when reading edifying articles and brochures. Evening. Six o'clock. I committed the greatest sin: I scolded one beggar and hit him on the back of the neck with my left hand in anger at him for his frequent, persistent begging, although I myself incessantly ask the Lord and receive hourly and every minute a thousand of the greatest blessings, incomparably surpassing my insignificant meager handouts from God’s gifts to me. I repented and still repent before God of my malice, of hard-heartedness, of stinginess, love of money, voluptuousness, carnality, ingratitude, lack of love, pride, laziness and negligence, envy, ill will, wickedness, contempt for people, disobedience to God and His law of love, resentment, insolence, self-will and stubbornness, concealment, hardening in sins, non-correction, forgetfulness and oblivion, vindictiveness, gloating, condemnation of elders, equals and juniors; disobedience to superiors, suspicion of others in malice and deceit, evil suspiciousness and daydreaming, intemperance in food and drink and other countless sins. But You, O innumerable goodness, Lord God, have mercy on me for the sake of Your holy name and forgive me all my sins. Thy poor people, O Lord, are worthy of all respect, love, and compassion for their lambish meekness, for I am angry and reproach them often, but they do not argue or cry out, they are meek like sheep, patient, generous, and gentle. But I don’t have this in me: they are a thousand times better than me, who is multi-passionate. Reconcile me to them, O Lord, and reconcile them to me, a sinner; let me love them as myself. Oh, may I not destroy all Your law, which is love, with my anger and my bitterness, never, ever. Amen. Behold, having felt in my soul the infinite mercy of God, killed by my own malice, through fourfold deep, sincere repentance I was resurrected, the mortal wounds in my soul and the internal ulcers burning in my sides were healed. Glory to Your miracles, O Lord, in me, a sinner. May all sinners like me turn to You, Lord, and may they also, like me, have mercy. Amen. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. Why does the Lord exact a lot from a person and punish him severely for his sins? Because he has been given infinitely much by the goodness of the Lord, so much strength and means to achieve the goal of existence that they are quite sufficient to realize it. Much has been given to him, and much will be required of him [Luke 12:48]. Man is made by God as a kind of god, a friend of God, the king of the earth. And this little god, this friend of God, the king of the earth and its countless blessings, trampled all the gifts of God, appeared ungrateful, disobedient, unfaithful, a traitor, a deserter. In accordance with his height and greatness, in accordance with the blessings of God poured out on him, in accordance with the importance and severity of his sin, punishment should have followed. And so, created in the image of God and likeness, he became the image and likeness of God’s enemy the devil, whose will he fulfilled and with whom he united spiritually; created for eternal bliss, he subjected himself through sin to eternal torment, created for light, he himself plunged into the region of darkness; he who received a blessing from God inherited a curse from God. Do not be surprised, man, that eternal torment is prepared for unfaithful, corrupt, and unrepentant sinners. They prepared it for themselves; they could have avoided it, but they did not want to or did not believe it. So they must eat the fruits of their deeds - there is no one to blame. You offer me a cross of gold; with this you reminded me that I myself must be pure gold, or completely gilded by the Holy Spirit; a cross with precious stones - this means that I must always carry Christ, a precious stone, in my heart. Oh, God grant that all your souls may be golden, that you may be precious stones. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly accepted repentance and delivered me from spiritual impurities, sorrows and tightness, and who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to receive communion victoriously, life-giving and to perform the requiem victoriously. I thank the Lord, who gave me now (at ten o’clock in the evening) a sincere prayer that cleansed the prodigal impurity of my heart, which crept in when a widow woman told me about being raped by a soldier several times. Oh, abomination! I thank the Lord, who has now accepted my repentance for the impurity of my heart and who has taken away sorrow, oppression, and death from my heart and who has granted it justification, space, peace, joy, boldness, and life. Magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together [Ps.33:4]. I take this moment as an opportunity to confess the countless blessings of God that poured out on me during the 25-year period of my priesthood, and my great mental and partly physical infirmities, which I so often met face to face. But the power of God is made perfect in weakness [2 Cor. 12:9] - and I constantly saw this power of God in me, and always called on it, receiving it from above at every call, and I always thanked the Lord, and begged him not to leave me with it in the future because of my sins. So, to whom is the honor and glory for all that has passed, I think, my not entirely fruitless service in the priesthood for twenty-five years? Most of all and first of all, to the one God, our almighty Helper and Savior, my Collaborator, and then in part to you, my beloved brethren, honor to your piety, for which you are so attentive, condescending and approving of our feasible service and find satisfaction for your Christian feeling in the magnificent and highly edifying divine service of our Holy Orthodox Church and in matters of Christian piety that are different of you shared with me or personally sacrificed to God. With your piety and attention to the work of God, you encouraged me to perform divine services as reverently as possible and generally perform sacred duties. It is good for the shepherds where their feasible and proper labors are treated so attentively, condescendingly, approvingly, and cordially. It remains to wish that the spirit of sincere, deep, firm, unshakable piety will always remain in the future both in the shepherds and in the flock, so that in this way the ever-glorious, magnificent name of God, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit will be constantly glorified by everyone. September 5. How peaceful, sweet, free, incorruptible virtue is and how outrageous, charming, insolent, violent, soul-destructive and corporeal, shameful is sin! Firmly and with an undivided heart, hold fast to virtue and God, its author, and abhor and flee all sin with all your heart. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who at this moment delivered me with His all-powerful, all-good and righteous power from the destructive charm of prodigaldom, which gripped my heart and soul and body at the sight of the half-open breast of a virgin. I sincerely condemned myself, fervently praying to the Lord for deliverance from delusion, and the Lord delivered me from the deadly, all-delightful sting of the devil in the flesh, in my insides. God bless! We must mortify the flesh and all carnal passions so that the spirit may come to life. Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. I ask you, as strangers and strangers, to flee from the lusts of the flesh, which war against the soul [1 Peter 2:11]. Countless and varied are the types of corruptible things that seduce the eyes of foolish people and those who have fallen into decay; but for all their diversity and beauty, they are perishable, and one must always see their corruption through all their charm and sweetness and not be deceived by their beauty and sweetness. You must especially be careful not to get carried away by the beauty of a human face, not to make it an idol of your heart and not to defile the lust of your immortal, god-like human soul, which lives in the body as in a church and gives it wondrous beauty and beauty. The relics of saints are obvious proof of the immortality of the human soul and the immortality of Christian virtue; The saints, called upon with faith and zeal before their relics or even not in sight of them, they soon appear to help, either in miraculous signs from relics or without relics, then with their very spiritual face, from the invisible becoming visible (St. Nicholas the Wonderworker and Artemy the Righteous), then in the granting of help, peace, joy, spiritual consolation. The examples are countless. Strive, Christian, for virtue and eternal life. Do not grieve the all-loving, most pure, all-seeing heart of the Mother of God, who fervently prays to the Lord for the salvation of us all day and night, but console Her with faith, hope, love, meekness, humility, purity, self-control, obedience, patience, mercy, and every virtue. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me four times with His greatest mercy through the resurrection of my soul, which had died from the enemy’s attacks, and the granting of life, peace, silence, boldness, and space. I was upset with Deacon Arseny for leaving St. Petersburg without permission from me, another priest in the Duma Church; This grief, wielded by the devil, killed my soul, confused, oppressed, plunged me into cowardice and fear of the devil, but the Lord delivered me from all this and gave me the great grace of peace and boldness. And then the deacon came to celebrate mass and served. I sinned gravely before the Lord, the Mother of God, before the Angels of glory and before the holy saints: in my anger I pushed a beggar sideways and severely tore his hair twice for frequent begging. Have mercy on me, Lord, long-suffering and abundantly merciful! I thank the Lord for his all-good and all-powerful help during the service of the liturgy, both at the beginning, and especially after the prayer. Firstly, for the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, at which (prayer) due to the action of the enemy at the gathering of people in the church, I am always embarrassed and confused, I do not reprimand out of fear of the devil or false shame, as if I were doing something bad, praying for the hierarchy. And now the enemy confused me, brought fear to my heart and I stole the words: First remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod and our Lord, the Most Reverend Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod, St. Petersburg and Finland, after which I was even more embarrassed, but repented and firmly asked the Lord for mercy and peace with boldness and freedom, and received, and came to life. I didn’t say a few words during the prayer behind the pulpit. I thank the Lord, who has now saved me through the prayer of repentance from fornication. May the Lord confirm. After the all-night vigil for the Nativity of the Virgin Mary. I thank the Lord, who accepted my long repentance in stumbling at Rodionova’s memorial service as a result of my grief at the devil’s action on the deacon for his drawn-out singing and in pushing the beggar with anger for begging. I was in great trouble, cramped conditions, confusion, and a demonic storm. And the Lord, for faith and repentance, had mercy on me after repeatedly falling to the throne, and I served the all-night vigil with tenderness, although not without missing words in the prayer for the consecration of the loaves, for dismissal, and in the prayer to Christ, the Light... At the all-night vigil with Philip Stepanov, I read the Gospel of the Mother of God with special feeling and calm. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the lustful obsession at home through the prayer of my repentance. Glory to the Lord, who delivered me from corruption. I sinned before the Lord - after such a blessed all-night vigil in the Assumption Church, after so many Divine powers in me, I indulged in gluttony at the hospitable Stefanida Avvakumovna: I drank wine, ate part of the fried chicken with grapes, apples, watermelon, and drank sweet tea with pies. Oh, slavery to the womb, oh, adoration of the womb! Gluttony is a mortal sin! Remember how all the saints bridled their stomachs, how they fasted! Prayer service on September 8 at the club. [Fireplace] at eight and a half o'clock in the morning. Our Orthodox churches are like the earthly sky: here is the Lord, the King of glory on His throne, here is the Queen of heaven and earth, the Most Holy Theotokos, adorned with Divine glory, here are the faces of the holy Archangels Michael and Gabriel and other Heavenly Powers, the faces of the holy Angels, prophets, high priests, the council of martyrs, saints, righteous and all saints. What lordship, shrine, heavenly beauty. Into what a holy community have we been admitted by the Lord and our tenderly loving mother Church, who cares for our salvation! How unworthy we are of such a society because of our morals, because of our sinful inclinations, inclinations, passions, because of our earth-loving, perishable tendency! In what articulation we are brought into the Church, beginning with its eternal, all-righteous Head, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Most Holy Theotokos with all the saints, and until the last honest member of the earthly Church. We are the union of the apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and all saints, the union of the earthly hierarchy and all the faithful on earth - from the king and the royal synclit (to the last subject), military commanders, city governors, the Christ-loving army, the entire scientific and educational class and all Orthodox Christianity. And we must live as inhabitants of heaven, as inhabitants of God’s paradise, in a holy and immaculate abiding every day, meditating on things above, and not only thinking about earthly things, not only tying our hearts to earthly things, corruptible and corruptible. The heart of a Christian must be a heart from above. Woe are our hearts! What hearts, what morals do we need in order to be worthy of such a Queen of the blessed Kingdom - the Most Holy Theotokos, such a wonderful, all-loving, merciful, most luminous, most holy, blessed, glorious dominion, in order to be worthy of rejoicing with the apostles, prophets, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, these angels in the flesh, and with all the righteous! And we live as if we were not members of the Church, such a heavenly society on earth; many never imagine themselves as members of the Church. They revolve only in their narrow closed circle of their own earthly interests, enterprises, affairs, in the circle of people with similar narrow views, earthly interests, without arising from the earth, without raising the gaze of their souls to the place where the eternal, bright, joyful, blessed fatherland is forever. After late mass... I thank the Lord, who has deigned to repeatedly deliver me during the liturgy from the embarrassment and oppression inflicted on me by the enemy during every public service; this hellish tightness was inflicted on me by the enemy after the great entrance, at which he stopped me, not allowing me to pronounce the names of the heiress and their son, and while reprimanding the prayer, First remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod and our lord, the Most Reverend Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod, St. Petersburg and Finland, at which he extremely embarrassed me and did not allow me to pronounce words Oh, my heart was hardened and white from satiety the day before at Stefanida Avvakumovna’s. Evening. Today, at half past six in the evening, I suffered the most painful hellish agony. After my rest, which lasted two hours, I got up and drank tea; then he wrote a death certificate for Rodionova (widow storm. [...] capit. 80 years old), then he found out that Deacon Poletaev was sick and could not go to the funeral service, and Deacon Arseny was not at home. So the evil demons began to confuse me with the fact that I [would] stammer and swallow words at the funeral service; I encouraged myself, but the embarrassment did not stop - I was irritated and in a nervously restless state; I leave the house - crowds of beggars, young and old, poured after me; I became even more irritated; I drive - they don’t go; I tell them: I don’t have time, after the funeral service I’ll deal with you - that’s not the case; I tore some by the hair, others by the ears, and even more hellish fire began to devour me, sinful thorns pricked and crushed me, the snake’s sting burned me greatly: I was in an extremely painful state; Having gotten rid of the beggars upon leaving the park on the panel of Catherine Street, I began to diligently repent of my anger, my stinginess, my hard-heartedness - but the hellish villains tormented me; Finally, when I called upon all my faith and hope, all the power of repentance to help me, the fatherly embrace of God opened up to me, the mortal stronghold collapsed, the tormenting demons disappeared like smoke, light shone in my soul, I felt peace, space, freedom, boldness and heartily glorified the Lord, who created in me the miracle of His mercy and the revival of my perishing soul. I performed the memorial service without stumbling, cheerfully, with boldness. From this temptation, which was so painful for me, the benefit was that my soul was cleansed of passions, softened, strengthened, and I could sincerely pray for the deceased, without which (temptation) my soul would have been like scales, covered with passions and wickedness, partiality, impurity, etc. Glory to God for the temptations, even if they were difficult. Schauman served a prayer service with a joyful, triumphant spirit. Avvakumovna, in front of the assembled guests, poured out words of wisdom. With all my heart I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from the mortal sorrow and distress that righteously befell me for refusing the poor the help they required: I gave them little - I didn’t give them for a bathhouse or for shoes. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me through the prayer of faith and repentance from the violence of the prodigal, from the abomination of the prodigal in my heart. I sing the grace of the Lady Theotokos, who gave me abundant sweet tears of tenderness when reading the canon of Her, Hodegetria, and who always gives me when reading this canon. This is a clear sign of the protection of Her, the Mother of God, over me, a sinner and unworthy. What heavenly, sweet peace in the soul! What clarity, silence in the soul! What a feeling of God's favor! Glory to the Lord for this! Glory to the good Mother of the good King! Glory to the Lord, who delivered me from the gap in my heart and the tightness of my soul at eight o’clock in the evening, when my family arrived from St. Petersburg and I listened to their stories about the Zoological Garden. I cried out to the Lord for deliverance and was delivered. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the shameless, ardent, ferocious, stinking demon of the prodigal, who attacked me before the morning at home, when, having washed myself, I was wiping myself with a towel. The agony of the struggle continued at home during morning prayer and in church during Matins before the reading of the canon. Well, it’s ferocious, and choking, deadly, fiery! I'm sick of it! I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from the jaws of the hellish vile serpent, who tried to douse me with his abominations and devour me mercilessly during the hearing of the District Court in the Duma, which lasted eight hours, from eleven in the morning to seven in the evening. In repentance, I secretly poured out prayer to the Lord and saw and clearly felt the saving currents of grace pouring out from the Lord and reviving me, and, rejoicing, I glorified the Lord, who is good and well-disciplined and who saves those who trust in Him, and with the help of God I recited the oath firmly. I thank the Lord for the currents of grace poured into my heart from His goodness and the inexhaustible treasures of life and revived me, deadened by sins. When Belial attacks me, all my wisdom and experience disappears, no strength remains in me except my faith, repentance and prayer, and even those sometimes fade away from the breath of the all-world villain; I become not myself, all in violence, darkness, sorrow, misfortune, confusion and cramped conditions. And only the Lord alone is my all-powerful helper and delivers me from my strongest and most evil enemies, who sought to devour me and bring me to hell alive. Glory to the Lord for this! Evening. I thank and exalt my Lord Jesus Christ, who accepted my repentance and mercifully delivered me from the most bitter and shameless and most abominable demon of voluptuousness, which attacked me with impudence after I ate an apple before the time when I was supposed to go into custody (at six o’clock), and more than once the Lord delivered me, the repentant one. I thank the Lord, who keeps me in holiness and chastity and incorruption, although temptations and temptations happen to me. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my repentance from the scorching fire of sorrow and distress due to a gap of conscience after I said to the poor: I have nothing to give you more than two kopecks. (This salvation took place during Matins after falling to the throne of goodness three times in the Peter’s chapel.) Sunday. Exaltation. During early mass I felt extremely ill, in a nervously irritable state; the heart is weak, weak, unclean, timid, fearful, and at the slightest sinful thought it becomes embarrassed and aches; at the great entrance, due to weakness of heart, cowardice and fear, I could not speak the names of the royal family; after this he began to suffer even more, but did not despair and fell in repentance at the throne of mercy and received relief; the voice was weak, unclean, violent, with the cacophonous singing of the worthy (at the beginning) he was upset at the sexton, who began to sing in a low note, and this grief extremely embarrassed me, oppressed me, irritated me like the devil, as soon as I could control myself during communion, having plunged with all my weaknesses and sins into the abyss of God’s mercy; I didn’t quite read the pulpit because of some ongoing grief at the sexton; I didn’t pronounce the release, I stole it out of fear and confusion of the devil. He spoke his sermon loudly, with a tightness in his heart. All these troubles have occurred and are occurring from my intemperance, gluttony, drinking wine, eating meat; carnal passions overcome me, my heart is unclean, hardened, painful, dead, bodily infirmities increase the misfortune. Abstinence is required. He was upset with the sexton in vain (just as he was upset with the beggars today in vain, he called them obscene names, angry with them): he was innocent; love should not be irritated and think evil, but cover everything with patience. Will I correct my brother’s mistake by being upset or angry with him? On the contrary, I will increase the error by adding my own, greater one, to his error - embarrassment and irritation are especially senseless and sinful in church during services. Here you don’t need to be indignant at anything, you need to be calm, meek, kind, loving, patient, measured, even, firm, important. There were many prayers. He served under Kvitkovsky poorly, with omissions and embarrassment from the crafty thought that Kvitkovsky’s father-in-law was a Jew, a carriage owner, and gave a good dowry to his daughter from unrighteous (I thought) money. Before Vespers, having entered the church and noticing the sexton Kamenogradsky scurrying about in the altar and not getting up at my entrance, I remarked to him about his indelicacy and discourtesy. Deacon Poletaev sat and did not get up (also discourtesy). I demand, not for myself, but for my rank, the honor due. Only for five days I did not serve the Liturgy and did not partake of the Holy Mysteries, and how terribly I weakened in spirit and heart, how corrupted I was! What insult I suffered from evil demons, what brazen violence! What passion I fell into! How hard it was for me to serve prayer services! What stumbling blocks, obstacles, insults from demons! Oh, what an infinitely great and saving blessing for me is the liturgy and communion of the life-giving Mysteries! How pitiful I am without them, cursed, poor, poor, blind and naked! I thank the Lord, who renewed me and also through the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries! Kovrigina Paraskeva reported me to the chief prosecutor of the Holy Synod that I was supposedly a seer and a miracle worker! What I feared was what I got! God! Don't let me be falsely glorified. Glorify Your holy and ever-glorious name, and I have nothing but sins and infirmities. In my weaknesses I glory, for Your power is made perfect in my weaknesses! But what terrible infirmities within me! What passions! What inclinations and tendencies! What a hell of a beauty! What urges of violence! God! Help me! I read the psalm verses, the prayer of offer and dismissal at the proskomedia extremely timidly, fearfully, with omissions and in silence because of the senseless fear of Deacon Poletaev and some kind of servility to him, the lion. I am afraid of man, but I am not afraid of God, who is greater and more terrible than the kings of the earth. Madness! Blindness! Twelve o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform the early Divine Liturgy, life-giving, although in weakness of spirit and body, and to partake of the wonderful, all-revitalizing, all-renewing, all-healing Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who healed the severe pain in my head, which ached yesterday and especially at night, which is why I did not sleep almost all night. Liturgy and communion healed me. I fell asleep sweetly after mass and after a prayer service and snacks at Kazantseva’s; got up at eleven and a half o'clock in the afternoon. On the night of September 16, before the morning, around three o'clock, I had a severe headache; I got out of bed a couple of times and walked around, then lay down, fell asleep not quite peacefully and got up at the end of five o’clock in the morning; I washed my face and wanted to pray standing and bowing, but I couldn’t because of the headache; I went for a walk around the yard, walked and prayed for a whole hour; then I went to matins, my head hurt extremely badly; During Matins I could hardly stand from pain, especially when reading the canon from the Menaion, I thought that I would fall from weakness and pain; when putting on clothes, my head seemed to want to fall apart - it hurt so much; During Matins I fell to the Holy Altar with both sides of my face and forehead, asking the Lord for healing, and at home, at two and a half in the morning, I applied the image of the Iveron Mother of God to my head. He performed the Proskomedia with extreme pain; he only spoke the verses of psalms and prayers with absolution in secret. I began to serve mass with continued pain, but - mercy! After the Cherubim song and the great entrance, at which I pronounced all the names, before the consecration of the Holy Gifts, the headache left me to my greatest joy and surprise, and I continued to serve completely healthy; the voice became loud, strong, clear; He received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner and completed the mass without stumbling. Glory to the miracles of mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ, His benevolence and kindness. At the great entrance, the entire royal family was pronounced, and after the consecration of the Holy Gifts, the Holy Synod and the metropolitan's titles were also pronounced without any hesitation. God bless! It is simple and easy to say in prayers: Most Holy Lady Theotokos, pray to God for us without thinking, without feeling, but if you delve deeper into the words: Lady Theotokos, then they inspire us with very, very much. The Mother of God is our Lady, the Queen, who always sees us, hears us as the Mother of God, the great, glorious, most holy, all-merciful, all-powerful, all-merciful Queen for the righteous and repentant sinners, but also formidable and terrible for the unrepentant. Calling Her Lady, we must always try to be Her well-behaved and God-fearing servants, to correspond to Her motherly love and care for our salvation and our mutual love and good Christian life and mutual edification by faith; we must live holy, as members of the Holy Church, the holy society of the saved, the Head of which is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. And those who have done good will come forth into the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil will come forth into the resurrection of condemnation [John 5:29]. Each person either becomes a good, sweet fruit if he is sincerely kind and pious, or rotten, bitter if he lives lawlessly and unrepentantly. On the terrible day of Judgment, it will be revealed who is what - mature and good or evil and rotten, stinking fruit. What goes around comes around. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me at the beginning of Matins from the wickedness and hostility towards the Father Superior, which tormented me, of which I repented and received forgiveness and peace; I thank the Lord for the unfaltering celebration of the Liturgy and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for this wonderful gift. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the hostility of partiality for the sake of, or for the sake of the plainness of the faces of, Mr. Skryplev’s mother and sisters, with whom I served a prayer service, and who took away this madness from my heart and bestowed respect and love for them in peace. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me on the way in Catherine Park, when I walked from L.M. Katugin after a prayer to the mother in labor, during the reading of which I stole many words to torment myself, of which I repented, that I did it out of cowardice and false shame and fear, and received forgiveness and peace. I thank the Lord for delivering me from temptation during the prayer service at Mr. Titkov’s apartment on the occasion of Angel Day and the illness of the girl Sophia, for helping me at the prayer service at Afanasy Gavrilov. Morning. The headache that I had was probably due to the oncoming change in the atmosphere: two days later the wind changed, damp, cold weather set in, and I began to experience a periodic flow of scrofulous matter from my right ear, which relieved me. My head hurt badly because the accumulated scrofula was knocking and asking to get out. I thank the Lord, who soon stopped my headache, which was extremely severe, through my prayer. After early mass. Yesterday I served a prayer service in the gymnasium and kept the three rubles given to me without writing it into the mug, but during the service of the liturgy, remembering this withheld money, I began to be tormented by my conscience, I was confused, my heart was extremely deadened, I could not say some of the prayers, exclamations and dismissal and was barely at peace after I paid two rubles into the brotherly mug, for the ruble was withheld for the cab drivers. And I considered my income in the gymnasium, as a law teacher at the gymnasium. Yesterday, during Matins and especially early mass, my Lord repeatedly delivered me from the devil’s bitterness and coldness, giving me strength and warmth, and vouchsafed me to perform the Liturgy without stumbling and to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. Then, after mass, when I was walking home and again fell into the clutches of the devil through my hardness of heart, stinginess and anger towards the poor, without satisfying them, I was again pardoned for repentance, and at home, when I became angry at the extreme dust raised in the room, study and bedroom, I was again pardoned after repentance; After Vespers, he became severely angry with Father Deacon Vladimir (in absentia) for entrusting the watchman Procopius with counting the fraternal incomes, and not counting them himself. I repented for a long time and was pardoned. Then, going to Semgina’s house to Trofim Ivanov (at eleven o’clock in the afternoon) to serve a prayer service, I became angry with the beggars who relentlessly followed me, and was punished with sorrow and cramped conditions, and having sincerely repented in a secret prayer to the Lord before the prayer service, I was pacified and pardoned; then in the house of Britneva Nadezhda Stepanovna he was again pardoned for repentance. I repented for a long time before the holy icons. O abyss of mercy, Lord, glory to Thee! Morning. Saturday. After early mass. Oh, the highest honor! Oh, the highest bliss! O world, surpass every mind bestowed in the communion of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord! Oh, the greatest deliverance from the poison of the serpentine malice poured into my heart towards the frequent communicants (after they received the Holy Mysteries, when I should have had special love for them, as for members of Christ and for the temples of the Holy Spirit). I galloped from the cruelty of this poison and would have galloped forever from unbearable torment if the Lord had not saved me. Oh, what will happen to unrepentant sinners after the Last Judgment, if here too a person suffers so cruelly for an instantaneous movement of anger! Evening. After the Sunday all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the goodness of contemplation, warm prayer and tearful tenderness during the service of the All-Night Vigil, for reflecting from the heart the tormenting spirit of blasphemy against the Mother of God and for reflecting the spirit of cowardice and fear that befell and depressed me before the dismissal and during and after the dismissal. With faith and hope, I fell firmly to the throne of grace in the Peter and Paul chapel and received wondrous peace, wonderful boldness, with which I spoke a prayer to Christ, the true Light. Many, many Orthodox Christians will regret and bitterly groan at the second coming of Christ, and even here, at their death, that they belonged by baptism and the first lessons of faith to the Orthodox Christian Church, and then did not follow its decrees; had such a priceless saving treasure - the Church of God, its worship, the Sacraments, saving teachings, shepherds - and they neglected everything and lived of their own free will in alienation from the Church and the Gospel and served only peace and wealth. In the Most Holy Lady Theotokos so many perfections of all kinds are united, so much divine greatness, that no mind, even the most worldly, angelic, can praise, glorify Her according to her dignity or according to Her Divine perfections, but the all-evil, all-living, all-malicious slanderer and slanderer is the devil, who has perverted his angelic nature and the nature of man and introduced into it all kinds of wickedness and evil sin, blasphemes - oh, horror! oh, impudence! oh, impudence! - and the Most Pure, Most Blessed Mother of God, putting unworthy, absurd blasphemous thoughts into the hearts of people, and many ignorant people or those of little faith and infidels, who have a defiled mind and conscience [Titus 1:15], accept the whisperings of the evil Belial as if they were real, but others and the pious unwittingly suffer attacks of the devil’s blasphemy due to the impurity of their hearts and thoughts and only through sober thoughts of God and inner prayer do they drive away the stench of hell from themselves. No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God [Luke 9:62]. No one, that is, starting to work for the Lord, to fulfill His commandments and save the soul and looking at this world, at its temptations and lures, like Lot’s wife, reaches the Kingdom of God and is not reliable for it. It is necessary to cleave irrevocably, completely, with all your heart and with all your soul to God and to His Kingdom, to His commandments, despising all the charms of the world and all the beauty, glory and wealth of the world, all its vain pleasures, all its wickedness, hatred, persecution. Love the Lord your God with all your soul, with all your heart and with all your mind [Luke 10:27]; give all your thoughts, all your feelings, all the heat of love to the only God, worthy of all your love. The devil unjustly killed with the tree the sinless and most holy Author of life and the Creator of creation according to the flesh, for this, righteously with the tree of His Cross, on which the Lord of creation spread out His hands at will, He kills the one who killed the forefathers and the one who kills us with his wiles. Cross of the Lord, help us together with the Most Holy Theotokos and all the saints. Amen. September 21, 1880. Evening. Because of yesterday's satiation in the evening (fish and fish soup with black bread and tea with a roll) and the strengthening of my stomach today at the late mass, it was so hard for me, so cramped, as almost never happened: I was in great trouble, and the Lord barely gave me tears of repentance, which relieved me after the Cherubim. How many times have I caused terrible harm to myself through satiety, and I have extremely angered the Lord and continue to anger him with my greed! That’s why He handed me over to my ethereal enemies to torment me! Oh, what crampedness and sorrow there was! Received life-giving communion. He spoke about the bearing of the cross. At the prayer service with Andrei Al. Petrov’s ethereal enemies so treacherously and oppressed me that I shed hot tears out of grief and sorrow and with them I got rid of the villains, having been honored with God’s mercy and help and having read the holy water prayer well. He served Vespers well, only at the end he was embarrassed by the presence of the elder when he spoke the litany of dismissal at Compline. I baptized three babies in church calmly, fearlessly, majestically with the grace of God! Oh, if only we could always serve the Liturgy this way! Monday. Oh, my evil will, for which I am punished many times every day and do not correct myself from long-term habit of sin and rooting in it! When I was walking to Matins, a beggar young guy of about twenty, who had been begging for several years, especially approached me with a request to give him money for shoes (supports); I was indignant at him because, once, he was not together with others, but alone came to me, and secondly, because he asked for shoes, little for bread, and did not take care of himself in order to get money for shoes through labor; in anger, reluctantly, I gave him twenty kopecks and spat at him! Oh self-love, oh pride, oh malice, oh love of money of Judas, oh stinginess, oh greed, oh ingratitude, oh dislike and disrespect for the face of man and a Christian, a member of Christ! Oh, disbelief! Oh, self-reliance, and not reliance on God. I suffered from my evil behavior, but, having sincerely and deeply repented to the Lord in the church (the side of the Intercession) and having joined with faith many times to the holy life-giving throne, I received peace and mercy from the Lord. During Matins at the end, the evil spirit attacked me strongly through his evil dreams, forcefully invading my heart (I looked at one woman in passing, and I really didn’t like her face - I hated her for nothing and with a prayer of repentance I barely got rid of the murderous malice and finished Matins). O villain! O evil, violent breath! After Matins, he became angry with the poor young people for asking for alms for shoes a second time, and was punished, and after repentance, he was pardoned. Glory to the Lord! Glory to His longsuffering! And shame and reproach for me, who has not corrected himself from evil passions! Eight o'clock in the morning. After mass. I thank the Lord for the new mercy towards me, for accepting my repentance of hardness of heart and for the gift of peace and space, for the unfaltering service of the liturgy, although in the weakness of the flesh, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, and especially for getting rid of hostility towards the sexton and the rector: to the former for shortening the reading of the hours, and to the latter for petty, scrupulous, penny-wise management. Pain between left hand and cylinder. Do not raise your hands in anger against anyone. I glorify God’s long-suffering and mercy towards me, shown to me this evening: once when I went to see the sick painter, peasant Kozma Kovrigin, and became angry with the beggars who closely followed me with requests after they had already received a small alms; another time, when I, walking from Kovrigin, met the same beggars and others and tore the hair of two beggars in anger and annoyance for their begging, and immediately I myself felt a fierce ulcer in myself, scorching all of me with hellish flames. All in a fierce mental ulcer, I entered the cathedral with deep repentance, with sighs and bitter tears about the cruelty I had committed; fell with tears many times before the throne of grace and - oh, miracle of mercy! again received complete forgiveness, freed from confusion, fire and the tightness of hell. I praise the Lord for this. Then I received a reminder of my promise to baptize the baby and went to baptize. He baptized calmly, with animation, without stumbling. God bless! (Excellent bread there, taken from Ekaterin Mol., from Sidorov.) I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to boldly perform Matins with great doxology and who delivered me from the evil machinations of the enemy regarding the stench from the feet of the reader Michael Al. Bystryakov and my impatience and ill-will; then she saved me in Zakharova’s house on the tower from hostility towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who followed me everywhere, of course, out of the love of Christ, but I thought that it was simply out of habit, out of nothing to do and out of curiosity, or as if without her the matter would not get done. I repented of wickedness and evil behavior and received mercy and peace from the Lord. (There was a sick baby with a seizure: they prayed for him.) May our Lord be the glory for everything. During the service of late mass, it was extremely difficult for me from the excessive heat in the cathedral, created by the new stove, and from the installation of other frames throughout the cathedral, and even from the warm, rainy weather. My nerves were extremely painful as soon as I finished my service. I was upset with the sexton for the length of his singing. In the gymnasium I felt sick spiritually and physically. I served Vespers with stumbling from the stale air in the church and from nervous soreness. After Vespers, I was angry with the beggars as I left the church: they did not let me pass. I cursed one as a thief in vain, I myself was upset, embarrassed, suffered from inner fire, but, having sincerely repented, I received forgiveness, peace and great mercy. I baptized the baby in the church without stumbling, but I couldn’t breathe. Upon leaving the church, again many beggars followed me and demanded shoes and clothes, as if I were obliged to give them everything, and they would do nothing and drink away. Again I was upset, again repentance and prayer, and received immeasurable forgiveness. I sinned: I grumbled, was indignant at the multitude of beggars, was impudent and obstinate in heart before the Lord Himself, who allowed such enormous poverty to exist in Kronstadt, which, due to the hard-heartedness of the inhabitants, all rushed to me alone and has been tormenting me with constant begging for the past twenty-fifth year, and the further, the more. I condemned myself in lack of faith, lack of hope, stinginess, carnality, lust, love of money, self-love, pride, malice, envy, murmuring, despondency, anger, irritability, gluttony, luxury, laziness, negligence, disobedience. Nine o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who at this moment has mercifully delivered me from mortal sorrow and distress (deadly thorns and the poison of the serpent), which befell me righteously for being hard-hearted towards the poor and for various pretexts for not giving the help they demanded (but much less), with grief towards them. For a long time I begged the Lord, who was angry with me, repenting from the bottom of my heart for the sins I had committed, and the Most Merciful and Generous One bowed down to me. Glory to the Lord! I feel ashamed of my face for ingratitude, ill-will, lack of faith, lack of hope. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Matins and early mass without stumbling, in peace, with goodwill and health of soul and body, although in the midst of fierce struggle and grief from opposing forces. I thank the Lord, who granted me victory in communion and after communion against the opposing forces that viciously attacked me. I, a priest, having within me Christ, the eternal life, must be impartial to all earthly goods: to food, drink, money, to honor and glory, to my very flesh - and not to spare alms to the poor in the hope of the generosity of the Lord, not to be upset at those who sin. I leave the church - and on the one hand, grace catches me for salvation, and on the other, the enemy catches me to my destruction. Morning. Eight o'clock. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the violence and mortification of the devil during Matins, to which I myself gave rise to by voluptuousness and drinking wine in the evening and by worrying during the service about acquiring certain books in the market, while all my treasure is the Lord, He is my life’s wealth, He is my book, containing all wisdom, the source of all wisdom. I thank the Lord, who, after driving death out of me, revived me with His grace and gave me the boldness to complete the entire Matins without stumbling (reading the Gospel and the canon, absolution of everything, prayers to Christ, the true Light). Only during the first hour of release I stole a little and for this I was wounded by the devil, who insidiously tripped me up. He stopped me both at the dismissal of the Midnight Office and at the Midnight Litany. Only through prayer, repentance, falling to the holy throne and tears did I get rid of the hellish snares of the enemy. Oh, what spiritual simplicity, the simplicity of God, I need every day and hour, what righteousness and holiness, in order to be united with God, and not entangled with the enemy and tormented! Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me for repentance and crying out to Him for mercy from mortal distress and sorrow, from hellish thorns that befell me for being hard-hearted towards the poor and refusing their real request (I gave much less than what was asked for)! Oh, how merciful, obedient and helpful is the Lord, who has given me peace and great and rich mercy! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the dreamy partiality of the devil and hostility towards a dead baby because of his apparent disgrace and from a sinful attraction to one woman because of his pleasant appearance. O appearance! Appearance! You eat our inner! We are still in the image of God. Our souls and bodies are created in the same way by one wise, impartial Artist. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from cramped conditions through a prayer of repentance at twelve o’clock in the afternoon, when I was climbing the stairs to see teacher Voznesensky. There I was in the great world, I was in God and God was in me. I thank the Lord, who now (at five o’clock) delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the cramped conditions that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards the poor, who repeatedly came to me for alms (ten kopecks were given in the morning). I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the liturgy and for giving me tears of tenderness, for the stumbling-free service and communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. I thank the Lord, who [delivered] from the misfortune of the bodiless enemies during the saying of dismissal at the liturgy and at the memorial service, from cramped conditions and confusion and inner fire, for giving me peace, silence, freedom, boldness. I thank the Lord, who at this moment (ninth minute of three in the afternoon) delivered me from the inner corruption, crampedness and sorrow that befell me for carelessly reading the article from the “General Monument”, and for the sudden revival of me by the Divine Spirit as a result of my zealous repeated repentance before God. Oh, how hard it was for me! Evening. After Vespers. I sinned without number: having distributed all the silver and copper money I had voluntarily to thirty beggars, I was extremely angry with one dissatisfied beggar who followed me and demanded clothes, not bothering to get them for himself in the summer due to laziness and negligence. I began to send him away from me with anger, and when he did not want to leave, I quickly pushed him back and pinned him against the wall, against which I pushed him hard, and he fell to the ground; then the crooked boy, to whom I had already given a ten-kopeck piece, in the morning, angrily tore his hair out. Oh, how much anger and irritation with the beggars who fell upon me with their extreme poverty! Is the city sleeping?! Who should take care of them? Am I alone? Am I alone able to feed hundreds of hungry people, clothe them, put them on shoes?! I can't take on such overwhelming work. Judge me, O God, with this people and with the citizens of the city. Forgive me, Lord, Lord, my insolence, my malice, ingratitude, hard-heartedness, voluptuousness, love of money, panting (pushing), beating, envy, stinginess, ill-will, pride, parasitism, delicacy, intemperance, negligence, laziness. Send sister Anna four pounds of tea, [... books]. Why do I look at the poor with hostility rather than compassion? They are not my enemies, because they constantly bore me with requests, and need drives them to me; they should be pitied. If you didn’t submit it, at least have pity on them, and that’s good. And to be angry with them is insane and impudent. Remember that you are a priest, the image of the Shepherd Christ, meek and humble. Eight and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the all-generous and benevolent Lord, who delivered me at this moment from hellish, deadening oppression after a prayer of repentance for my hard-heartedness towards the poor and distrust of them, reluctantly, with grief, giving them alms. Evening. Twelve o'clock. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from the bitter consequences of irritation with my wife - from hellish cramped conditions and scorching fire, and then from the same cramped conditions due to hard-heartedness towards the poor, whose request I did not satisfy when I went to the Duma for a spiritual conversation with spiritual daughters (Irina Grigorieva, etc.). There I prayed and there, for faith, repentance and firm hope, I was pardoned and favored by the peace of God! Who, after God, is the most holy thing, the greatest truth, the most perfect love, the most saving power, the most tender and perfect love, the receptacle of all perfections, the fragrance of every virtue, spiritual beauty, surpassing all word and understanding, spiritual sweetness, inexpressible with mortal tongues - this is the Mother of God, the highest and most glorious of all Cherubim and Seraphim. So what? The all-absurd and shameless devil puts blasphemy against Her, the All-Perfect, into the thoughts of people, and throws dirt into the sun. Oh, all-absurd, all-living adversary! Away from the name of the Lord! In the course of my life I have known all the lies, deception, absurdity, all the hellish, incomprehensibly vile and disgusting stench of the devil, all the thoughts, feelings, sensations, tendencies infused from him into people (and into me), all their mortality, torment, imaginary charm, sweetness, terrible toxicity. Why am I still following sin? Why didn’t you finally hate it? God! Complete what You started and defeat the sin that still lives in me. Amen. September 28. Evening. During the all-night vigil in the Duma ([Assumption Church]), a diabolical attack befell me because of my gluttony: while walking around the church on polyeleos and seeing Garbko’s wife Irina Sergeeva, looking proud and pouty, I developed a diabolical hostility towards her for her pride, and only by sincerely repenting of my anger and suspicion, I received peace, freedom and boldness, but not suddenly. At the christening at the postmaster's, at which I stumbled and was hurt, and after the christening I prayed to the Lord in repentance, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace. Evening. I thank and extol the Lord, who, in His infinite goodness, delivered me from my greatest evils, hardships and sorrows that befell me righteously for my bitterness and for my hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor, when I went to the Council at the gymnasium at six o’clock in the evening, and the beggar, who received alms along with others, was not satisfied with it and followed me and asked for much more. I got angry with him and took him back by force, and then, when he continued to follow me and ask, I gave him to the policeman. I died in soul from my hardness of heart and went and sincerely, deeply repented to the Lord, and the Lord took away death and gave life and peace. But as soon as I was rewarded with peace and boldness, a new temptation revealed the same sin of hard-heartedness and stinginess: other beggars stood and asked me for money. I walked through and didn’t give them a penny. For this again sorrow and cramped conditions. I repented again, but death reigned in me, finally, in the Council Hall at a meeting of members, with firm faith I turned my heart’s eyes to the Lord, cried out to Him with all my heart for salvation and help, and the bonds of death were torn apart, I again tasted the sweet peace from the Lord and looked at everyone calmly, firmly, evenly. Then the Lord delivered me when I was walking along Western Boulevard and sinned with a secret voluptuous thought and movement of my heart. I repented and was saved. Then at home the Lord delivered me from the same or a similar incident for repentance. Oh, how sweet is God's salvation! How bitter and deadly sin is! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from hellish fire, ulcers and heartache that befell me for my hardness of heart and stinginess towards the poor and lack of mercy for them. The greatest misfortune and serious, acute illness of the soul is the love of money and hard-heartedness, especially since many do not feel it: the money-loving soul falls away from God, from eternal life and falls into terrible death and darkness. Six and a half o'clock in the morning (during Matins). I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me during early mass from the decline of spirit and the spirit of fear and fear of the devil, especially before dismissal at mass and during the funeral service. It was extremely difficult for me during mass from the evil spirits that oppressed me, instilling a spirit of cowardice, humiliation, despondency and fear. I thank the Lord, who has honored me with the participation of His Divine Mysteries and through them has revived, renewed and emboldened me. For fear of the devil, I could not or did not dare today to pronounce the names of the royal family at the great entrance, but he stole only Nikolai Alexandrovich and spoke out the entire royal house; Likewise, the Holy Synod and the metropolitan title did not fully pronounce, but hid it out of fear of demons. Oh, when will I get rid of this shameful, absurd captivity of my soul by Belial! How naked am I from Divine help for intemperance! I don’t have heartfelt sincerity and freedom, space of spirit when serving the liturgy, sublimity of thoughts and feelings! The spirits of wickedness bind me! Oh, when will I be rewarded with perfect love, embracing everyone sincerely, the whole Church, the whole world, all sinners, all enemies and friends! Late evening. I thank the Lord, who sent me His greatest deliverance during the all-night vigil after my repentance for my sins - in hostility towards the abbot and in not giving alms to some poor people. It was hard for me, but when the Lord had mercy, it was good, spacious, peaceful, and light on my soul. This very minute (eleven and a half o'clock at night) the Lord had mercy on me for my repentance of hostility towards the unrighteous abbot. Glory to the mercy of the Lord! Irmos of the 9th song of the canon at Matins, tone 8. Synclite (Greek) – the highest spiritual or secular government.