Октябрь 1879 г.

Night. Three o'clock. Yesterday I ate quite a lot of meat at lunch and dinner - so what? At night there was a terrible itching - I couldn’t sleep, I tossed around all night, every place itched. Avoid eating meat - excess juices and blood are extremely harmful, excess spoils and turns into pus. I thank the Lord and Lady Theotokos. Tuesday. On the Feast of the Intercession, at the Neustroevs’, at the behest of Natalia Leontievna Neustroeva, I drank an extra glass of white strong port, and that gave me a severe headache all day, and even the next day, October 2 (and I asked for a snack). But when I fervently prayed to the Lord and the Lady in repentance, especially to Pavel Stepanovich Burachok at the prayer service and after, my head was healed after drinking holy water and kissing the icons of the Lord and the Lady. I slept very well that night. The nausea has passed. The weather was extremely rainy, windy, and cold on Pokrov and October 2. (Buy watermelon and Revel sprat today.) I thank the Lord, the Source of wisdom, and the Lady Theotokos, Mother of Hypostatic Wisdom, for the sermon given to me on the day of the Protection of the Mother of God, and for delivering it twice in the Assumption Church at early mass and in the cathedral at late mass. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the devil’s hostility towards the baby Lizochka Burachok, whom the enemy attacked me with upon my entry into her parents’ apartment to serve a prayer service in the evening at six o’clock; In repentance, I prayed internally before the icon, and the Lord soon delivered me, giving me peace instead of confusion and spaciousness of heart instead of tightness. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great distress that befell me through reproachful words towards the poor and through the purchase of a carpet for our living room for fifteen rubles. The Lord accepted repentance and sovereignly delivered me from sorrow and distress. Tonight I was tempted because, while lying under a warm blanket, I turned on the other, left side, without crossing myself and without protecting myself from the temptations of the enemy with a cross. Getting up, he prayed for cleansing. I thank the Lord, who delivered me and cleansed my soul from the movements of the unclean heart and gave me peace last night. I thank the Lord, who on the night of the 5th at three o’clock delivered me from the embarrassment and distress that befell my accursed soul for the sinful movement of my heart, namely: for envy and hostility towards N.A. Leonardov, who unjustly acquired a large estate, an important rank and high orders (St. Stanislav and St. Anna of the first degree). Oh, my crafty and evil and envious heart! What am I jealous of? Is it the dust of the earth, or the sounds of words, or perishable ornaments, or human vanity? And should the priest envy me, honored by God with the highest, most heavenly rank and service, should I, the performer of the god-creating, life-giving Sacraments, should I, who have been deified so many times in the communion of these Mysteries, should I, the servant of the Spirit, the minister of the deification and immortality of man? O wicked heart! You would like to own all the blessings undividedly: if you got these blessings that he owns, it would be, in your opinion, okay! Oh, heart that denounces greed for the blessings of this world and alienation from incorruptible, spiritual, eternal blessings! O little-faithful and unfaithful heart! Oh, my aching heart! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me at the funeral service due to the passionate movement of my heart and failure to pronounce certain words, and in several cases from anger at the poor. This is yesterday. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from great difficulties in different places in space and at different times that befell me for the sins of my eyes and heart. Great is God’s kindness upon me, great is His goodness, quick obedience, wonderful is His kindness, goodness! So the Lord delivered me from the storm of my anger and its consequences - fire and cramped conditions, when I became very angry and became inflamed and enraged, strongly slamming the door of the drawer in my writing desk; I repented from the soul, with undoubted faith I touched the holy throne several times and was healed in soul and body, I calmed down. Oh, from what corruptions of spirit and body the Lord saves me! But I am still the same passionate, uncorrected sinner! Yes, sinners will one day indulge in all the horrors of hell and its torments! For here, on earth, the beginnings of eternal torment are revealed in the soul of man, but they cease for the sake of our repentance, according to our faith, for the sake of the merits and inexpressible mercy towards us of the Son of God Jesus Christ! Oh, let us all come to our senses in time to avoid the horrors of sin and lawlessness, the fury of fire and corruption, ready to devour sinners! Saturday. Tomorrow, preach a sermon about spiritual death, which befalls the sinner daily and hourly, and about hourly resurrection through sincere repentance. Forgive me, Lord, for being envious of my brother, Priest Peter, who does little work in the parish and receives the same cup as me. Serving You is a great gift, a great grace, but inaction is a punishment. You are my treasure, Lord! The charm, the charm of the enemy, murderous, insane, ephemeral, covers our hearts and our thoughts, the charm with which the invisible enemy surrounds and presents to us all the blessings of this world, arousing an exorbitant, insane greed for them, for example, for money, for carnal pleasures, which so quickly pass and are so ephemeral for a person! All the blessings of the world must be looked at in the light of the Gospel! I forgot how much collateral income I get. I fell away from love for my neighbor and towards the Lord, envying my brother, Priest Peter - from a love that is dearer than the whole world. And what am I missing? Nothing. I have an abundance of everything. Why am I jealous? To your brother's satisfaction? But we should be happy about this. Or that he does not give to the poor from God’s bounty? But one must regret this and [must] pray to the Lord to soften his heart and make it merciful. Saturday. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the creeping love of money and cramped conditions and confusion just before the funeral service in Sidorov’s wing (where the sausage shop is) and who gave me the grace to perform the funeral service without stumbling. I thank the Lord, who gave me, cold, tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil and sweet thanksgiving and praise to the Lord for His ineffable mercies towards people and towards me, a sinner. In every sinner, inconspicuously, and sometimes very noticeably, there lives pride, the worst of all sins and the most fatal, poisoning all that is good: as an antidote to this sin, the Church has established the frequent utterance of the prayer, Lord, have mercy, and bowing, kneeling, bowing the head (an unbending iron neck), bowing to the ground, and lying down. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for the merciful and speedy deliverance from the sinful and soul-harming addictions that befell me (due to income and the blue sacristan) and for reviving me, who was killed by sin. I thank the Lord for giving me the word to preach in the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. Why have you opened the doors of your heart wide to all passions? Close your heart to any passion and open it to the love of God and neighbor and to all virtue. Away with the love of corruption, let the love of incorruption reign. How do you perform service without humility, sanctification, justification, deification? How do you live, minister of the sacrament of immortality, incorruptibility, deification? Are you not chasing after corruption and all-pernicious sin, after worldly pleasures, after self-interest, and vain glory? Evening. God! I will not cease to thank You for Your deliverance from my sorrows and distress, for even now You saved me in the evening hours from my sins and gave me peace; You gave me the grace to boldly, without stumbling, perform a funeral service without a deacon and defeat my champion the devil. Glory to You! God! Behold, the abbot curses me so much for Your name, for praising You, for my good deeds, he despises, hates me for Your work - change, O Lord, I pray to You with all my heart, his enmity for love, his oath for blessing, soften his stony heart, warm him with love for the poor, as he despises all the poor and simple. So he blasphemed me and the other members of the clergy, except for one (Priest Alexander), the future clergyman who will serve with me; he deprived me of the honor due to a priest, he abolished my praise, which You bestowed on me. Judge me, O Lord, and judge straightly, from the unrighteous man... we will deliver [Ps.43:1]. Teach me to bless my scoffers who curse me, to love my enemies who feed on one cup of Yours, to do good (pray) to those who hate me [Matthew 5:44]. The abbot, although he is my enemy for my piety in the Lord, may I consider him as a friend according to my will, and may I not have a single evil thought against him, not a single hostile feeling, according to the word of the Lord: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you [Matthew 5:44]. When I hear, let me not hear what he says bad about me, and let me not take it to heart, and let me not console the devil with even a moment’s anger towards my neighbor. God! Let him go, God knows what he’s doing, for malice and envy have blinded his eyes. I have great pride, pride and resentment; I still feel in myself hostility and complete coldness, reaching the point of contempt, towards Vladyka Isidore for his contemptuous reception of my unworthiness in 1865. I should have reconciled myself, excused him as an old man and considered myself, absurd, worthy of all severity and disgust, but I did not reconcile myself and accused him, looking slyly and judgmentally at his communication with me. I must love the Bishop as much as some pious, simple women love me, whom nothing can turn away from me: neither anger, nor severity, nor a swear word - nothing, according to their sincere, deep love. I don’t have love, but I have great pride. Members of Christ are members of the Holy Church, Orthodox Christians without distinction of age, rank, condition, gender: love everyone as you love yourself, as Christ, be long-suffering, forbearing, covering, like the Lord, you and all, long-suffering, forbearing, covering and forgiving our sins. God! Grant me to sincerely respect and love the abbot and pray fervently for him. Let me not be proud, proud and zealous because he does not behave the way I would like. Due to the action of the devil, this morning I was susceptible to hostility towards the rector, Father Paul, for various reasons, more imaginary than real. This hostility tormented me greatly, I repented with all my heart of my anger and prayed to the Lord to grant me love for him, the abbot. And the Lord delivered me from the torment of the devil, giving me forgiveness, love and peace. How good I felt after the Lord’s mercy to me! I calmly met with the rector, calmly served mass with him at the cathedral, and performed the funeral service for the deceased maiden Nadezhda. True, during the mass the enemy intensified to kill me (at the great entrance; at the funeral service) after an exclamation, which I somewhat stole, and after reading a prayer of permission (I did not finish some words), but soon, through a prayer of repentance and faith, the Lord again delivered me. At home, before Vespers, the Lord delivered me from the inner prodigal tendencies for sincere repentance. When I came home from Vespers, the Lord again saved me from being angry with my wife for rearranging my chests of drawers; I repented and was pardoned. O sweetest Jesus! Glory to You! O imperishable Lord! Glory to You! Tuesday. I thank my priceless, infinitely good Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who mercifully accepted my repentance for my cruel treatment of a beggar who often came to me for alms (I pushed her quite hard on the head while she was bandaged), and who delivered me from sorrow, cramped conditions and fire and gave me peace and the dew of grace, cooling and reviving my accursed soul. Evening. God! You do so many miracles with me every day that I don’t know which of them to thank You for first! Firstly, I thank You for the destruction of my sorrow and cramped conditions that befell me upon leaving the gymnasium and tormented me until entering Kovrigin’s apartment, where through prayer I received great mercy from You; Then at my home You destroyed the sorrow through my prayer and gave me space in my heart. Secondly, I thank You for Your wonderful and generous providence for the poor: You sent me today one hundred rubles for them through one pious peasant, a former factor 74 of the local printing house. I praise You, the All-Bountiful Lord, who graciously, wisely, and unceasingly provides for us! Thursday. I thank the Lord, who, through my earnest prayer, delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow and the fear of demons at the very beginning of the funeral liturgy in a country cemetery church and who gave me tears of tenderness throughout the entire liturgy. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of the most pure Mysteries of the Lord and for the stumbling-free service of the Divine Liturgy at the Council. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the creeping of the unclean in my heart, which happened during a trip to the sick. For a long time I struggled with this disgusting thing in my heart. The end result is that one must mortify the flesh, do not eat meat, drink less wine, sleep less, exercise more in the fresh air, read more Scripture, think about God, and pray. How to get rid of spiritual death? – Always resist sin and overcome it with grace. Sin attracts you, but you overcome its attraction. The eternal death of the soul is terrible. The Lord does not want the sinner to die. From the beginnings of eternal death, from this worm of hell, the Lord saves me daily and gives me again life, renewed existence in my death. For you, man, God came in the flesh, so that you will not die forever. Observe carefully whether all your thoughts, desires, intentions, undertakings, words, deeds are based on the beginning of love, whether on the beginning of evil, on pride, vanity, pride, ambition, enmity, envy, revenge. The enemy robs us every day and teaches us to do his will in an inconspicuous way under the pretext of good intentions, under the pretext of piety and decorum. Who do we please? - The flesh, the working church of the devil, the belly and the toes, on which the enemy of the human race grovels, this corruptible, stinking flesh. Serving You, Lord, is a great gift, if only I served You day and night, not just a few hours a day (even if my other comrades did not serve). Glory to Thee, Lord, for this. (Regarding the indignation at the brethren that very few of them are asked for services, but most of them are all of me, and I work for them.) If I preach the word that I have composed, I have no praise, for I speak and do not do; and even if he did, he would only do what was necessary [Luke 17:10]. I am damned, not doing the will of God, but living out my life in gluttony, carnality, and love of money. And what an all-rich treasure the Lord is: He must be everything in me - He is food, drink, the robe of glory and incorruptibility, He is wisdom, light, peace, strength, beauty, sweetness, glory, eternal joy, eternal bliss. Sincerely proclaim all prayers and exclamations, do not rush. Glory to You, Lord, who gives life to me when I was dead, who destroys the bound, who enlightens the blind, who cleanses the defiled, who has mercy on the sinner, who strengthens the weak, who comforts the sad, who lifts up the fearful and cowardly. I am truly like on Tabor during the liturgy. I am blind: I almost always think that I am saving my health and life when I eat and drink a lot and sweetly, but in the end it turns out that I am destroying my soul, and often the gift of bodily health, my soul is deprived of the grace of God, purity, spirituality, peace, boldness, freedom, it relaxes and is mortified by fear, the fear of demons, and is covered with darkness and shame. And when I pray fervently, especially with abstinence, I am strong, calm, courageous, pure in spirit and body. Whoever wants to save his soul will destroy it (like me, through lust); and whoever will destroy his soul (the old man) for the sake of Me and the Gospel, he will save it (like the holy apostles, martyrs, and saints) [Mark 8:35]. May I learn to save my soul according to the Gospel word and reason. Evening. Ten and a half hours. I thank the Lord, who delivered me through fervent prayer of repentance from the all-destructive creeping of the flesh. Beware, Christians, of the flattering fisherman who seeks to deceive and destroy your souls and bodies with the milk of voluptuousness; sweetness creeps up on you, because of sweetness you will obey, like Eve and Adam once did, but then the enemy will torment your souls with brutal cruelty. Hate the pleasure of the flesh: it leads the soul to destruction; mortify and enslave it, as the holy Apostle Paul teaches, saying about himself: I mortify my body and enslave it, so that if I preach to others, I myself will not be enslaved [1 Cor. 9:27]. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries during the early liturgy in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord for delivering my brother Father Peter Klepachevsky from soul-destroying envy through the prayer of repentance and the heartfelt conviction that all my treasure is the Lord. I thank the Lord, who heard a strong prayer during the funeral service for the deceased bailiff Konstantin Nikolaevich Dolbilevsky in [Victorskaya] Street and who granted me victory and victory over the demon of fear, cowardice and dumbness with the ability to separately, calmly pronounce all the words of the litanies and dismissal. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from the strangling desire of the prodigal in my heart that arose at the sight of virgin beauty and who later granted me forgiveness, peace and freedom. Let us fear with all our might, brethren, all sin, since it separates the soul from God and plunges the sinner into spiritual death. This separation is scary!!! Your sins cause separation between you and God [Isa.59:2]. Isaiah 61... To a sinner whose mind and conscience are defiled [Titus 1:15], everything tempts him, and the very light seems to him tempting, unclean, for example, the light of the sun, stars, moon; Thus, a sinner often comes to evil, nasty, blasphemous thoughts against the Lord and the Mother of God, although God is light, and in Him there is no darkness [1 John 1:5]. We are sick with an addiction to decay; all our sins are due to addiction to decay and dust: to corruptible food, to corruptible drink, to corruptible clothing, to corruptible wealth and soon disappearing, to corruptible distinctions, to temporary and fleeting glory. Because of corruption, we fall away from God, from love for Him and our neighbor, and even for our own soul. The word about the sower and the seed [Matthew 13:3–19]. Take examples from modern society (take liberals, nihilists, socialists, drunkards, libertines, the rich and those pursuing profit in general (from all classes), chasing bribes; there are many beggars, luxury everywhere, aversion from the spiritual, Divine, sacred (reading the Holy Scriptures and spiritual books) and devotion with all feelings, all thought, all strength to the earthly, secular, vain, ephemeral; the impoverishment of Christian love, self-sacrifice and the everywhere discovery of petty, carnal, selfish, unclean love; the crushing of human interests, which also concern only earthly things and pleasures, and not heavenly ones); in general, modern humanity with all its senses (five pairs of oxen [Luke 14:19]) works diligently to decay: eats, drinks, smokes, drowns in sewage, flaunts clothes, housing, its decoration; his gaze completely lowered to the ground, turning him completely away from heaven, from his heavenly fatherland. The whole world is immersed in earthly interests. The Word of God is without fruit, the Gospel is ineffective. I thank the Lord with all my heart, who delivered me yesterday from the greatest, painful oppression and sorrow that befell me for my anger at the poor and pushing them away and not giving alms. The Lord accepted my heartfelt repentance and did not put me to shame out of hope for His mercy. But how long will I be hard-hearted and money-loving? How long will I anger the Most Merciful and Long-suffering? Why does the creative, omnipotent, life-giving word of God often remain ineffective and fruitless? – From pride, pride, addiction, negligence, laziness and disobedience of the person himself. (Look at the gardens and vegetable gardens, carefully cultivated, and at the gardens and vegetable gardens, neglected through carelessness and laziness. What a difference! What an abundance of fruits in some, what sterility, emptiness in others!) Alas for me! How poor, damned, poor, blind and spiritually naked I am! In almost the entire structure of my life, earthly, worldly interests and calculations predominate, everywhere in the foreground is the flesh, and not the spirit, but the spirit, or soul, is immortal, rational, free, in disdain; Not only do I neglect the soul in myself, enslaving the multi-passionate flesh, but also in others, my neighbors, I often neglect it and pay attention or predilection to the body; I betray both my soul and the soul of my neighbor, its spiritual, eternal interests for an insignificant pleasure, for money. This sometimes happens when performing memorial services for the dead and during other prayers. Sometimes you pray and dream about utility and self-interest; I forget that human souls are dearer than the whole world, and moreover, each soul is dearer than the whole world as an immortal being, as a living image of God, as the bride of God, redeemed by the blood of God. Let us be diligent about the soul, the immortal thing, 75 and let us despise transitory, coarse, elemental, earthly flesh. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard me before the memorial service for Olga Prokofieva, when the enemy tempted me with grief for not being rewarded for my labors. The Lord taught me to despise the earthly reward for serving God and my neighbor and not serving Him, for the Lord is my reward. Every day the Lord has mercy on me generously, inexpressibly, repeatedly, without number, but because of Who, by whom? - Mother of God, thank you, Mother of God, Most Pure Virgin! Thank You, Lord Jesus! What is all the beauty of visible rational creatures, without reason and inanimate, but living and abiding according to Your will? These are the weak rays of Your imperishable, ineffable, wonderful beauty - may I lift the eyes of my heart to You from all created beauty and along it, like on a ladder, may I ascend to You and may I trample upon earthly, coarse sweets that corrupt my soul and body and separate me from You. I thank my Lord, the Sweetest Jesus Christ, who has deigned me today to perform Matins and the early liturgy with a prayer service for water during a difficult struggle with the principalities, powers and with the ruler of the darkness of this world, with the spirits of wickedness in high places; Only by the grace of Christ God did I overcome them; but woe would be for me if the Lord left me to my own devices. And all the struggle is because of my flesh, because of my lust, because of my addiction to decaying beauty; Oh, I see that in sweets there is hidden the greatest enmity against God, alienation from Him, from His holiness, truth and truth, and combination with the worst enemy of God and man, with the devil. Away with sweets! Away with the dark cloud of flesh that hides my God from me. We all sin against the first and second commandments to a greater or lesser extent, either by idolizing ourselves or making ourselves an idol, outwardly decorated, and turning the gaze of others on ourselves, as if idolizing human faces for their beauty, nobility, wealth, strength, power and doing, to please them, contrary to the will of God, or various animals, birds, or finally soulless things. How little or no space we leave in our hearts for the Creator, and how much room there is for creatures! How much illegal, passionate, unclean, perverse love there is in him and how little room there is for holy, spiritual, incorruptible love! Long-suffering Lord, enlighten, cleanse and correct our hearts, so that we love You alone with all our souls, with an undivided heart! I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivers me from the temptations of the flesh, and keeps me incorruptible every day. The alcoholic sherry that I drank at Gulyaev’s at the christening had a very bad effect on me: my head hurts. The sherry from the Dmitrievsky cellar has beneficial effects. Yesterday I ran into Pavel Anatolievich Romanov (chief of the governor’s office for civil affairs). He is a man without faith, without morality, a notorious adulterer: he speaks about young girls as a hunter speaks about partridges shot and eaten. He does not believe in the relics of saints and in saints in general. He does not acknowledge confession, he looks at the bishops from his own point of view extremely low, imagining that almost every one of them has his own concubine (it’s scary to pronounce it!). He is a complete indifferentist and does not recognize any difference between the Orthodox, Catholic and Lutheran faiths; He does not believe in the eternity of torment of sinners and tries to refute them with false arguments. It is wild to imagine that the Lord will not punish with eternal torment an unrepentant sinner, an adulterer, even for the fact that he seduced and corrupted many of God’s beautiful and most beloved creatures in His image and likeness, virgins or anyone else, for whom the Only Begotten Son of God suffered and died, when it is said directly in Scripture that whoever seduces one of these little ones who believe in Me, it would be better for him if he were hanged a millstone around his neck and they drowned him in the depths of the sea [Matthew 18:6], when one soul is worth more than the whole world. He does not believe in the inspiration of the Holy Scriptures: it is given, he says, for the ignorant, the common people, and not for scholars. Praises science and human reason. He places science above Scripture and the Holy Fathers, whom he considers almost ignorant (oh, blindness! oh, insolence!). I sinned before the Lord by eating and drinking with him. Forgive me, Lord Lord! But I efficiently and boldly refuted it. This is one of many: there are many people like him in Kronstadt. Keep a word against them in the church, denounce them, smash all their false arguments to dust. I thank the Lord, who healed my severe headache through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, my all-merciful and everlasting Intercessor. Eight and three quarters o'clock in the evening. Today I sent money to my son-in-law Vasily Ivanovich [...]. I thank the Lord, who through me comforts and satisfies my relatives. Morning. I thank the Lord for completely healing me from a severe headache. I am healthy by His grace. The Lord sent me both the opportunity and the means to heal me, the simplest, homemade ones (milk and cabbage soup with cabbage), and most of all, He healed me with His grace. Your name, Lord, called upon with faith and zeal, in repentance performed twice (in the morning and in the evening) the great miracle of deliverance, cleansing, sanctification, and renewal of me when the passions of anger and fornication acted in me. I thank Your glorious name, which takes away death and gives life to my soul. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who again and again had mercy on me, a great sinner, obsessed with malice, and when I sincerely repented in church during Matins, falling at the throne of grace, who delivered me from the malice that had tormented me for a long time. I tasted the peace of God. After Matins, I again became angry with one beggar, and again I was wounded and burned with the fire of Gehenna, but again I repented secretly to the Lord, and again I received mercy. O fickle, uncorrected sinner I am! How long will I tempt Your long-suffering? I condemned myself in all related sins: pride, voluptuousness, love of money, malice, contempt, envy. At half past eight in the morning, going to give communion to a sick woman and seeing healthy trees rich in leafy spring and summer trees cut down by the rector in the church garden, which belonged to him while he was rector, I was very upset with him for the unauthorized cutting of the church garden, which was not planted by him, and became embittered with him, because I could not tolerate such a crazy, such a deliberate evil deed, to the detriment of all the brethren, done by him, for he deprives the entire clergy of the beauty of nature and the church house of the best decoration and all of us living in it, shade, fragrance, coolness. May the Lord himself soon cut him off, and may his place not be revealed [Ps. 36:10], for his pride, his contempt, stinginess and miserliness, love of money, guile, unfriendliness, self-government in everything have surpassed all measure; For more than twenty years, with God’s assistance and help, we endured him, his untruths, his contempt, his miserliness, his unsociability and aloofness. He took out his ill will and malice towards us, his envy on the trees of the garden and in his slander against us to strangers and those close to us. Let it be measured to him by the measure with which he measured. And their contempt for poverty for twenty-two years, and their contempt for parish care and, in general, the duties of charity! He shook all the principles of the Gospel, destroyed all virtue, condoned sins and, by the way, the schism and the schismatics of Kronstadt! Long-suffering Lord, have mercy on me. If I think and speak wrongly, bring me to reason, correct me as if you were, and grant me peace and silence, and if I speak the truth, punish untruth and deliver from the unrighteous man [Ps. 43:1], so that Your righteousness may abide and prosper. I know and feel that I, too, am unrighteous, having an addiction to corruptible wood and being very upset with the abbot, falling away from love, being kindled with malice; I repent of this with all my soul and pray that you restore me in love, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, dispassion, for what is more valuable than love, which endures everything, covers everything, does not get irritated, does not think evil of its neighbor, and never falls away [1 Cor. 13:4-8]? I have gone astray, Lord, I have gone astray through my usual addiction to corruptible things and my usual self-love, my lust, my carnality, my love of money and my dislike of my neighbor, my suspicion, my guile, my unclean aspirations, my rebellion, my disobedience and my disobedience. Have mercy on me. Grant me to You, my only priceless treasure, which abides forever and ever, to cleave every day and to trample upon all earthly wisdom and addiction. You are the only one I need. When I fall away from the Lord in my heart and feel sorry for something earthly, some earthly treasure (trees, money, sweets, clothes), then because of addiction I fall into hostility and anger and am deprived of peace, freedom, light, strength, spiritual space and am burned by arrows that shoot inside me. You are one, Lord, my belly, You are my only treasure. Evening. Today I fell into a severe and grave sin, into severe misfortune because of my addiction to material nature: the archpriest cut down the trees in the church archpriest's garden, planted thirty years ago by his predecessor, and deprived the church yard of decoration; I was extremely upset and embittered for this against the abbot, who was arbitrary in everything, and the enemy-tempter extremely incited me, incited me to hostility, pressed me, scorched me, tormented me; Not tolerating this hellish fire and the sting of the serpent, I was restless, scolded my wife, pulled one beggar twice by the hair, although I gave him thirty kopecks and asked him for forgiveness. This is what the reckless, arbitrary actions of the abbot created in me, what a storm of temptation. Of course, I am more to blame than him that because of things I became embittered with the abbot and because of the trees I lost the treasure of God’s grace, the treasure of peace, love, meekness, humility, kindness, respect, obedience, and devotion to elders. Have mercy on me, Lord, have mercy on me in everything! Forgive me for my cruelty, severity towards the poor, anger towards them, beating. But Lord, Lord, it is righteous to repay sorrow to those who offend me unjustly - to the abbot and to his like-minded people; Humble, O Lord, his iron neck and his copper forehead, not showing shame from a single sin. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to reach fifty years of my life, for His countless blessings poured out on me, I thank and glorify the Holy Trinity, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. May from now on the only treasure of my heart be the Holy Life-Giving Trinity and all that She loved. After mass. I thank the Lord for His great mercy poured out on me during Matins and early mass; For my repentance and faith, by falling to the throne of grace and kissing it, I got rid of the great oppression and sorrow and embarrassment that befell me for being upset with the abbot. Instead of death, the Lord gave me life, instead of confusion, peace, instead of cramped space, instead of cowardice, boldness. In the communion of the Holy Mysteries, the Lord gave me a new, heavenly life. I sinned before the Lord by being upset with the rector because he drove out the deacon Zrelov, and did not introduce anyone else in his place, and thus could cause confusion in the administration of services and requirements. Lord, teach me not to fall away from love for my neighbor and not to become embittered towards him for any plausible reasons, for embitterment in any case is the work of the devil. If a brother sins against us or against God, the Lord will reward him according to the word of Scripture: Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to [God’s] wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord [Rom. 12:19], and the Lord Himself in the days of His flesh, being reviled... did not revile each other; while suffering, he did not threaten, but handed it over to the Righteous Judge [1 Peter 2:23]. So, teach me, Lord, to sincerely pray for the abbot and his family and for everyone, no matter who and what they may be. Pray for one another to be healed [James 5:16]. If I grieve because of the loss of some things and still harbor hostility towards the person or those who deprived me of it, then I am proud, proud and have no love. And this is extremely bad. One should not grieve over the loss of earthly blessings as temporary and perishable and unable to give life to the soul - this is the sadness of this world, death that brings death to the soul and body [2 Cor. 7:10]. But we must grieve over the loss of heavenly blessings, incorruptible treasures, which are: love for God and neighbor, meekness, humility, kindness, obedience, simplicity, sincerity, goodwill towards everyone, impartiality, love of truth, mercy, chastity and others. One must have sorrow for God, which results in unrepentant repentance [Russian: unchangeable] for salvation [2 Cor. 7:10]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during Matins from the scorching fire of hell, sorrow and oppression as a result of my heartfelt repentance of anger at the rector for cutting down healthy trees in the church garden. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the early liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving most pure Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who sent me His deliverance during the Sunday all-night vigil, when I was saddened by the thought of the loss of the order, which I soon found on the throne. I thank the Lord for the tearful tenderness during the all-night vigil. But when reading the Gospel, due to weakness of spirit and because of satiety, I succumbed to vain demonic fear while reading the Gospel and missed a lot at the end: This is the disciple, who bears witness to these... almost to the end [John 21:24], only the last words I said; and when reading the prayer to Christ, the true Light... I condemn myself for being satiated. Why does the enemy take me into his clutches so brazenly, with such violence? Because of my gluttony, covetousness, man-pleasing, vanity, cowardice. Resurrection. It was extremely difficult for me to serve the Liturgy today due to tightness in my throat and a weak, forced voice, and also from the machinations of the enemy, who befell me for gluttony and voluptuousness. I said the word I composed about the rich man and Lazarus clearly and loudly as much as I could; received life-giving communion; I read the prayer behind the pulpit well by the grace of God. I thank the Lord, who showed me wonderful help through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother during the all-night vigil (especially when reading the Gospel about the visit of the Most Holy Theotokos to Elizabeth) in the middle of the church; at that time I took victory over the fierce enemy who fought me and was in the power of God (girt with strength) and in peace and read the Gospel with feeling, slowly, however, at the end there was a small devilish hitch. But here is a stupid sin: out of fear of demons, I did not glorify the mercy, generosity and love of the Lord in the cry after the Gospel, I was wounded, I died in my heart; He repented, fell down with a prayer for healing at the throne of grace - and was healed and at peace. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform without stumbling the Sacrament of Baptism at Mr. Grothus in the presence of St. Petersburg officials and ladies and to solemnly glorify the goodness, power, greatness, holiness and truth of God, revealed in the creation of the world and the redemption of fallen man (water-blessing prayer). I thank You, Lord, who healed my larynx and my voice (as I think, first of all with grace during my baptism at Mr. Grotgus in Tsepov’s house after the all-night vigil, and then with milk and grouse meat at Pavel Stepanovich Burachok) and who gave me the grace of tenderness during the liturgy, with great faith in God’s mercy. He received communion sweetly, life-giving to the highest degree and said within himself: what is more desirable, what is sweeter than the Lord? What is more beautiful than the Lord? I thank the Lord for His countless help to me, a great sinner, during the performance of many prayers in the morning before mass and after mass until late in the evening. There were so many temptations, violent incitements of invisible enemies to sin in secret, so many secret blessings of the Lord to me, so many deliverances, salvations, peace and silence instead of confusion, boldness instead of fear and cowardice, space instead of crampedness: when sin increased, grace (truly) began to abound [Rom. 5:20]. Grant me, Lord, to see the good qualities of the rector of the church and our primate, and not to see the bad ones and to love him in You, our Lord God. God! Arrange everything for our benefit through him, and turn away evil from him and from us. Teach him to respect the laws and customs of love, warm his heart to sacred friendship with his brethren and to the charity of Your poor and needy: Everything is possible for You, Master! Grant us, Lord, good readers, for the abbot dispersed them and left only two, or, more correctly, one, with four priests. Before evening. I thank You, Lord, for You have now consumed sinful death in me many times over and removed the fierce stings of the serpent from my soul, giving me life and peace. Oh, how often I die and how often You give me the sweetest life! You surround me with the joys of deliverance. You soften my heart, hardened in sin, and do not allow me to die a sinful death. I thank You, my life, my deliverance, my salvation, my strength, my holiness! How life-giving are Your most pure Mysteries! How I, a spiritual dead man, came to life today after receiving communion! I was ready to jump for joy! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the cruel sinful death into which I again fell through grief at the rector and a harsh judgment about him in the apartment of Yakov Andreev (the birthday boy), combined with ill will, anger, bitterness, envy, for he receives a lot of money, but does very little work, visiting us and most of all, me. Oh, what deadly stings I experienced within myself! What a scorching, hellish fire! But having repented and thought about my situation and his, I begged the Lord, and He had mercy on me. Indeed, why should I envy him? I have as my property the Lord Himself, who is my wealth, my strength, my deliverance and salvation, my eternal life, my glory, my peace, my blessedness, my beauty. I use everyone’s love, and he uses no one’s, except the love of his daughters, or only one - Catherine; a rich man like him finds himself immediately after death in hell, in torment, in flames, and is so burned in it that he searches for a drop of water and does not receive it. No, I should cry over the fate of the rich abbot, and not envy him, for soon God’s judgment will be completed on him and he will be gone. I cannot examine 77 Your blessings to me, O Lord, they have multiplied greatly; I want to remember even the greatest of them, and my memory refuses to remember them. I thank You, Lord, for saving me before Vespers, when I repented of being hard-hearted towards the poor; I thank you for your salvation during Grechukhina’s prayer service after Vespers before the image of the Sorrowful Mother of God and during Vespers for your great boldness. A prayer service was served in Maria Arsenyevna’s apartment with Your help; after the prayer service, on my way to the children's shelter, I patted the tobacco-smoking beggar boy with anger and irritation and lost the grace of God, became extremely upset, became embarrassed, sorrow and cramped conditions appeared, from which I got rid of in the children's shelter through the prayer of repentance. Oh, the bounties of the Lord! Oh, good obedience, quick obedience, kindness, goodness of the Lord! Going to the gymnasium to see the director for tea arranged for the teachers, due to the action of the enemy, I fell into melancholy and melancholy and got rid of them by faith and prayer to the Lord: it was so gratifying to me! God bless! Oh, how sweet is the state of grace and peace with the Lord and with oneself! For this peace, for this sweetness, one can and must fight against sin, even to the point of death, for sin alone kills a person temporarily and eternally, but truth gives life temporarily and eternally. I spoke with the director’s wife about the dryness and lifelessness of our textbooks on divine services and about the aversion of young people who study from divine services due to the underdevelopment of their hearts and lack of understanding of divine services. I thank You, Lord my God, who saved me just before Matins from sorrow, oppression, the fiery sting of my passions and the invisible enemy that befell me for my harsh and proud treatment of the poor and for my stinginess and greed; then another time, who delivered me from the cramped conditions, confusion and inner fire that befell me for untimely recording of my income during Matins. I thank the Lord for the greatest freedom and boldness of spirit after this grace of God (after deliverance from cramped conditions and fire). Then the Lord delivered me from the unclean movement of my heart, moved by a vile demon because of my lust (at the end of the prayer service on Novaya Street in the house of Lyubov Petrovna Estafieva at the cab driver); I repented from my heart, condemned myself, asked for forgiveness, and the Lord had mercy on me. The Lord also delivered me from the great sorrow, cramped conditions and fire that befell me for my embittered and contemptuous treatment of the beggars who stood at the church fence and begged for alms. I repented fervently, sincerely, diligently, and the Lord extinguished the fire of hell in me, pouring out the dew of His grace into my soul. Oh, how ungrateful, malicious, proud, envious, contemptuous, angry, irritable, voluptuous, careless (about correction), prodigal, self-seeking, lazy, abusive, harsh, obstinate, cowardly, fearful, dull, servile, flattering, carnal, partial, impatient, ambitious, greedy, gluttonous, suspicious, suspicious and filled with all kinds of evil. Long-suffering Lord, have mercy on me, correct and save me. Amen. Evening. Eleven and a half hours. I thank the Lord for His great salvation in me from the sins that contained me and the machinations of the enemy, from the fire and oppression of hell that befell me, firstly, for the harsh judgment about the superior among my spiritual children and, secondly, for the addiction to the person whom I respected and loved and whom they wanted to deprive me of, for he serves me diligently. The enemy burned and pressed me hard for both; in both cases, I cried out loudly to God for salvation through heartfelt repentance. And the Lord showed me His glorious and most sweet and omnipotent salvation. Thank you The Lord, who gave me the greatest boldness during Vespers when speaking the special litany, after during the petitionary litany the enemy drowned me with his fear and deprived me of the ability to fully pronounce the words of the litany. I thank the Lord for his greatest help during the celebration of the liturgy and for the wonderful revival upon communion of the Holy Mysteries. He was dead and came to life through them. Again the enemy killed me, and again I came to life through repentance through them. Glory to the Lord! Thy mercies have increased, O Lord, towards me, a sinner, even this day; I can’t count them, although I have a strong zeal to look for them. During the liturgy, I repeatedly defeated the ethereal enemies who mercilessly attacked my weakness; at the great entrance he clearly pronounced the names of all the royal persons, the Holy Synod and the title of Metropolitan of Novgorod, the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal. He overcame by grace the great confusion caused by the vision of one person from the merchant class, whose father was the head of Kronstadt. In the evening, the Lord saved me from my passions many times because of my sincere repentance, with tears. The Kingdom of Heaven is approaching [Matthew 4:17]. Oh, how close the Kingdom of Heaven is to us and how convenient it is, so to speak, to take it and use it! Come and get it. It is not in heaven, but came down to us from heaven and settled on earth, in the Church of God, and is ready to enter your heart, just open it. Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will sup with him, and he with Me [Rev. 3:20]. Do not say in your heart: who will ascend to heaven? that is, to bring Christ together. Or who will go down into the abyss? that is, to raise Christ from the dead. But what does Scripture say? The word is close to you, in your mouth and in your heart, that is, the word of faith that we preach. For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved [Rom. 10:6-9]. Christ God Himself daily invites us to accept and eat His most pure and life-giving Body and drink His life-giving Blood for the remission of sins and, therefore, for the inheritance of His Kingdom. But with such closeness of Christ to us, the Kingdom of God is like many, many far from Him! What indifference to Christ, what coldness, what inattention to the Kingdom of God, as if it were not needed, as if it were something superfluous for people, something they could do without, while living even for a minute without Christ is the greatest misfortune, the death of the soul! Oh, how sinners will groan and cry and torment themselves for this, when death will reveal to them all their ingratitude to God, all their inattention, all their vanity, all their laziness, their negligence, their unbelief! But it will be too late: judgment will come for them, they will be tied hand and foot. But where is the zeal of the shepherds for the salvation of Christian souls? Where is their incessant preaching to erring people? But the shepherds themselves (many, not all) are far from the Kingdom of God, because shepherds feed themselves [Ezek. 34:2,8], chasing after pieces of silver, after the pleasures of the belly, after the glory of this world, of whom I am the first, the accursed one. But I thank You, Lord, for You constantly save me, a sinner, when I, drowning in sins, turn to You in repentance and prayer. Yes, we are all drowning in sins; where are the fishers who save the perishing, about whom the Lord said: I will make you fishers of man [Matthew 4:17]? Oh, we, shepherds, catch sinners caught in the devil’s net in all ways, early and late, while there is time and the doors of the Kingdom of Heaven are not yet closed, for now heaven is open. From now on you will see heaven open and the Angels of God ascending and descending to the Son of Man [John 1:51], as He is in heaven and on earth. Why do Angels ascend and descend? - To save people. Are they not all ministering spirits sent to serve those who are to inherit salvation? [Heb.1:14]. So, Christians, accept and embrace the Kingdom of God, so that it will embrace you and make you blessed forever; leave your lusts, worldly passions, pleasing the flesh, the belly, and mammon. For the image of this world is passing away [1 Cor. 7:31], the whole image, the whole structure of this world, no matter how beautiful it is, although it is corruptible, no matter how tempting, no matter how sweet it is for our corrupt taste, although it deprives us of the sweets of the Kingdom of God. Oh, many, many Christian sinners will be unrequited at the Last Judgment of Christ in neglect of their salvation, many shepherds in the destruction of their verbal sheep. O my spiritual children! I will give an answer to the Chief Shepherd for you! So listen to me: I will teach you the commandments of Christ. Let us go to the Kingdom of God on earth, that is, to the church, and let us partake of this Kingdom. We will go there more often. Let us go to the house of food, that is, to the church of God, and there we will be fed with the food of God, bread and spiritual drink, that is, with the Flesh and Blood of the Son of God Himself. Woe to those who move away from the house of God and from the life-giving broth. Every day I lull my heart, I make it white (and it must be spiritual) with the pleasure of food and drink. Alas for me, a sinner who has grown old in lawless habits! The Church is the visible union of God with people, the Kingdom of God on earth. She shows man his origin, dignity, his fall, his great calamity after the Fall, his goal and purpose, the means for rebellion and provides all the means (resurrection of the dead, judgment, eternal torment and eternal bliss), daily teaches, enlightens, guides to God and His truth, cleanses, heals, strengthens, sanctifies, peace-making, comforts, deifies. Go to church for worship - and you will experience all this in practice. I thank the Lord for His great salvation, revealed in me at the beginning of Matins and during its continuation, especially at the end and after it, when the enemy ate me because of the stumbling block in prayer to Christ, the true Light. Bless, my soul, the Lord... with all wisdom he created ecu... is sung very wisely at the beginning of the all-night vigil to the glory of the Lord Jesus Christ, who created the world and man and recreated it by His coming into the world, teaching, suffering, death and resurrection. I endured a fierce struggle with invisible enemies today during matins and early mass (on Sunday) in the Duma Assumption Church, firstly, with the devil’s malice, which he was extremely intensified to put into me and sting, confuse and oppress me with it (the strange woman Theoktista, not standing still, and the deacon, who appeared for a long time in his voice), secondly, with the creeping towards carnal love for the person serving me at home (Evdokia) and barely overcame this temptation through repentance and fervent prayer, learning that every instant feeling of hostility and carnal love is the voice of the devil. The enemy fought against me more because of my animated, enthusiastic singing and reading and for the preaching of my composition. Christ, the true Light, didn’t say anything to the royal family at the great entrance either, but after communion of the Holy Mysteries I became strong in spirit and said goodbye. I thank the Lord for his great help during prayer services with Lieutenant Pel, grandmother Paraskeva Andreevna. This is a ministry of grace. Thank you for the gift of kind reading of prayers at the wedding and for perfect non-stumbling after two or three skirmishes from the enemy at the beginning. God! This day, from early morning, You are performing miracles in me of Your mercy and truth and Your power, beginning to deliver me from my sins and from the invisible enemies who mercilessly attack me. You saved me after Matins from the acute internal punishment that befell me for the unclean movement of my heart. I repented sincerely, and You sent me the gracious dew of the Holy Spirit, which cleansed the filth of my heart and cooled my heart, inflamed by Gehenna. Another time, You saved me after the morning memorial service for the repose of the soul of Ivan Ilyich Petrov, at which, out of vain fear, I did not utter the words of release: He will rest in the bosom of Abraham, He will count with the righteous... The enemy wounded and extremely confused and oppressed me, breathing into me his hellish fear and apprehension. What am I afraid of before the Lord of the rich and powerful of this world? What do I care about their wealth or pride? The Lord is my enlightenment and my Savior, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the protector of my life, from whom shall I fear? [Ps.26:1]. By constant courage during prayer and sacred rites one must humble all the pride of the world; one must always have boldness. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for two great salvations of my accursed, multi-passionate soul: once in the gymnasium from the hellish cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for my rage at a fellow beggar and tormenting him by the hair, and secondly, at the memorial service of Ivan Ilyich Petrov, to which I ran away from the beggars and did not give to them. I prayed with tears to the Lord to grant me forgiveness, I asked with bitter tears. At the first exclamation there is stumbling and confusion, misunderstanding. At the funeral service there were: head Pavel I. Neustroev, Leonty Neustroev, Philip Stepanov and others. The Lord gave me boldness (glory to God!) and sincerity, and I said my last exclamation and dismissal with great power, without stumbling, all the way. Grant me, Lord, to always sincerely pray with my true heart, with all my soul. I accidentally served mass in the Assumption Church for the repose of the servant of God Ioann Ilyich Petrov. I was extremely poor in my soul, serving the liturgy, burden and demonic despondency killed and suppressed my spirit; I was exhausted, lost in spirit, the ethereal enemy frightened me with his monsters, not allowing me to pronounce the names of the royal family at the great entrance, and after the consecration of the Gifts - the name and title of the metropolitan. But after receiving the Holy Mysteries, I came to life, was comforted, strengthened in spirit, and renewed. Behind the gates, while speaking exclamations and litanies, I stole the words and through this again fell into the clutches of the enemy for my cowardice and fear. Walking and driving on the way to the gymnasium, I fervently repented and prayed, asking the Lord to deliver me from the captivity of the enemy, and the Lord delivered me, giving me peace. Glory to the Lord! In the first grade at the gymnasium, the students sat quietly: with my finger, rather than God’s, I soon pacified everyone. This is the grace of the Holy Mysteries, this is the power of God in me. Almost every mass I bear the cross of God’s abandonment of me to some extent, and at this time I am left to my weaknesses and sins, so that I may know how poor, damned, poor, blind and naked I am [Rev. 3:17], and may I know from what countless sins and weaknesses the Lord saves me, and may I beware of sins, and may I feel my and all people’s need in Savior, how necessary He is for everyone. Divine service - that is, God serves man and man reciprocally serves God: God by the giving of His grace, holiness, strength, salvation, deliverance, cleansing, peace, consolation, enlightenment, pure love, by the giving of Himself for food and drink, by the giving of the Holy Spirit (in Baptism, Confirmation and other Sacraments); man - by his constant looking to God as his First Principle and Prototype, Primary Source, zeal for the avoidance of all sin and for the practice of all truth and virtue, for constant repentance, glorification and thanksgiving to the Lord, Creator, Provider and Savior, for reverent acceptance of the Sacraments: Repentance, Communion and others - and thus for constant walking before the Lord in in the fear of Him and in the holiness of the Spirit. I thank the Lord, who at that moment healed me from the bitter languor and confusion that befell me for my anger and rage at my wife and at the old women who came to me for notes to the pastor about clothes. The Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy on me. But even in church during Matins, the Lord repeatedly delivered me from the encroachment of evil and ill will towards [Priest Peter], who seemed very proud to me. I prayed to the Lord, that I be kind to all people, especially priests and all the sacred, that I sincerely pray to the Lord for them, that I cover, and do not reveal, their weaknesses and inclinations, that I love everyone sincerely, as myself, that I be adamant against evil and hostility. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me for being upset with the beggars who followed me along the road: I repented while walking along the road, and when I came to the gymnasium, I received healing and peace, and in the fifth grade I said a lot of edifying things with my tongue [...]. In church before Vespers, the Lord again accepted my repentance in anger and had mercy. Then the Lord had mercy on me in Golubev’s house on the tower before the prayer service and after the prayer service with Nikolai Nazarovich and Marya Dmitrievna, then the Lord had mercy on me at home after my repentance for evading giving to some beggars. I, cursed, evil-willed, passionate, am filled with the mercies of God. God! I thank You that You have honored me with the great love and affection of my spiritual children. Grant me, Lord, to love You as they love me, and to cleave to You as they to me. But what am I saying? Grant me, Lord, to love You infinitely more than they love me, and to cleave to You infinitely more than they do to me. (When parting with Vasily Samoilovich Zubkov and Lyuboviya Nazarovna.) Tolikokratno (church-glav.) - many times. Factor (obsolete) – small intermediary, commission agent. General Troparion to the Saints, tone 8. Contempt (church glory) – arrogance, pride, disdain. Explore (Church Slavic) – search for traces, comprehend.