Январь 1879 г.

Now there is no truly Christian education in Russia: vanity has penetrated into the entire education of youth: they raise children not for Christ, not for heaven, but for a world that lies in evil, in the vain rules of the world, they teach dancing, secular music, but they do not teach how to stand reverently in prayer, how to sing praises to God; all sciences suitable for the world are considered very important and necessary, and the science of sciences, the science of God, the Creator, Provider and Savior, of worship, of Christian virtues that lead to God and unite with God, is considered almost unnecessary for secular students. I thank the Lord for His ineffable mercy, that He renewed me, who was tempted in a dream, healed the sick, made strong again those who were in great weakness, encouraged the faint-hearted, comforted those who were in sorrow, and He arranged all this through the communion of His Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood. Oh, wonderful, Divine Sacrament! Oh, Sacrament filled with ineffable blessings! Treasure of salvation, health, peace, boldness, light, strength, wisdom! About Shlyapnikova Shlyapnikov tomorrow. Sleep before waking up (on January 29). Some Catholic papist came to me with his essay and talked with me, there were some others. Suddenly it was heard: dad is coming; everyone perked up and hid themselves, I also stood and waited; A very sick dad appears in a priest's fur coat and hat, [baptizing], reveals himself - and who is it? Father Konstantin, completely exhausted from illness and old age. What does it mean? I need to pray for my father-in-law, Father Konstantin. He doesn't feel well, he's in pain. I thank the Lord, who graciously heeded my prayer of repentance in the corridor (back from the courtyard) near Ivan Kirillovich Grechukhin’s apartment and who delivered me from the devil’s impurity of thought and feeling, inspired by the unclean because of my lust and carnality, and from cramped conditions and spiritual death, and who granted me to perform the prayer service with the greatest boldness and peace, space of the heart. The wedding was also crowned magnificently by the grace of God, without stumbling. After Matins. “How long will this comedy continue?” - I said to nineteen poor townsfolk who stood at the fence of the church house waiting for alms from me, and I gave them forty kopecks not entirely willingly. I sinned before the Lord and my neighbors, the brothers of Christ, by saying these crazy and hard-hearted words. Maybe for me, the sated one, being hungry and in need of everything is a comedy, but for the poor it is grief. I condemn myself in self-love, pride, envy, insolence, love of money, hard-heartedness, stinginess, carnality. During Lent, do not consume milk in any way, remembering what kind of fornication in the members comes from it and what smelly winds come from a person after consuming it; strictly observe the post. Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the greatest miracle of salvation, which I was awarded solely by His mercy, for the sake of my feasible repentance and my faith, like a pea seed. I was painfully embittered and unbearably irritated at the drunken janitor Andrei and his wife, especially for driving their zealous assistant Alexei out of the house; I was scorched, inflamed, destroyed by the demon of malice, I was like on coals, like on thorns, like pierced by hundreds of serpents’ stings. For a long time I repented and prayed to the Lord, for a long time my prayer was weak and ineffective. I was tormented all the time, finally a few words of special faith prevailed over all the malice and power of the devil; the fortress of mercy of the Master and God crushed the fortress of demonic malice, and I was suddenly healed. This took place at the throne of glory in the church in the chapel of the Intercession of the Most Holy Theotokos. God bless! I am alive again, peaceful, spacious, cheerful. Blessed be the name of the Lord.