Январь 1878 года

January 1, 1878. I thank the Lord for the New Year and for His countless mercies and bounties that surprised me in the past year. I ask for God's mercy for the coming summer. Yesterday I suffered a lot of grief from eating too much halibut from the fisherman Verzina: my chest was completely swollen, my voice was hoarse, and that’s all. I served the all-night vigil in the Assumption Duma Church with grief. I could not say the first release both due to weakness and the enemy’s action; the latter said in the first hour, having broken the enemy with God's help. I intertwined and grappled with him in firm determination and courage. Burachok served kindly and with feeling a thanksgiving prayer service for the New Year. Lebedev speaks with difficulty and hoarsely. At Blinova's it is difficult to celebrate the all-night vigil before the Assumption Vigil. The teaching to have: the program of worship for our Church was given by the holy Apostle Paul, outlining in his epistles the main content of it, consisting of teaching, psalms, songs and spiritual songs [Eph.5:19] (psalmody, stichera and canons) and in prayers, supplications, petitions and thanksgivings for all people: for the king and for all who are in power [1.2:1–2]. To this are added glorifications, words and various rituals, especially during the performance of the Bloodless Sacrifice, which was established and legitimized by the Leader and Finisher of faith Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ. These are the words: take, eat... and drink... (Father John’s postscript is on the left edge of the paragraph: the teaching to have. - Ed.) Excessive and partial love for the flesh and the world is the main cause of our coldness towards God and our neighbors, the cause of countless evils in the world, the cause of all passions, all disorders, outrages, cruelties, wars and civil strife. And we all love the flesh, damned ones, and day by day we strengthen this love more and more, pleasing the flesh in everything, feeding it with everything pleasing to it, decorating it with all kinds of decorations, comforting all its senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. This is why love for God and neighbors has dried up in everyone, this is why there are so many vices and disasters in the world. After mass on New Year's Day. I endured a severe struggle during mass because of yesterday's feast at the merchant Lebedev's after celebrating the all-night vigil in his house: sorrow, cramped conditions, powerlessness and dryness of heart, the possession of the devil over him. And what if it weren’t for God’s infinite mercy, which has mercy on us? I perished, I would have perished with the terrible breath of hell upon me, killing my soul and body. And the enemy brought despair to me, convincing me that I had exhausted God’s mercy, especially with my intemperance after receiving the Holy Mysteries so many times. But I thank the Lord, who does not allow me to despair and revives me with faith, hope and repentance. At the end of the Liturgy, the Lord gave me tears of repentance and tenderness while reading Basil’s prayers before the consecration and after the consecration of the Holy Gifts. The Lord gave me the grace to break the enemy and when uttering the exclamation In the first remember, Lord, etc.; he said all the releases and performed the prayer service without stumbling. The night before, Burachok served a prayer service without stumbling and with feeling, that is, a prayer service for the New Year. This is after the all-night vigil, having scooped up the grace of God with my heart. After mass on New Year's Day, Sergei Pavlovich Velikanov served a prayer service for the New Year boldly, magnificently, completely, without missing anything. This is with the help of the Lord and Lady Theotokos. And I am also convinced that abstinence and fasting for a priest and for every pious Christian are an immutable law, the failure of which does not go unpunished. Meanwhile, I have no zeal for fasting! The priest and every Christian must try in every possible way to form in themselves a spiritual, heavenly disposition, heavenly love, love for God and neighbors, firm and unhypocritical, and to kill in themselves the carnal, sinful, passionate, worldly disposition, or passion, earthiness 96 . How and with what? Through contemplation of God, fasting, vigil, prayer, reading the word of God and the scriptures of the wise father, and good deeds. So I was not ready on the day of the Nativity of Christ: my heart was inclined to lust, greed, love of money, ambition, and that is why it [became] cowardly, fearful, weak, easily carried away by the streams of the devil’s temptations (at litia). During the blessing of the loaves, I overcame the enemy who was troubling me. I read the Gospel with the grace of God with animation and strength, only in the end the enemy crushed it and stole my release. While praying to Christ, the True Light, at the end I became confused, I read everything timidly, vaguely. I didn’t read the whole prayer for victory well; I stole it at the end. The Great Entrance was accomplished with difficulty, the Holy Synod - everything, the entire pulpit was brisk, the dismissal was complete. In the world we die by sins, in the Church we come to life by grace; in the world we are exposed to sorrows, sorrows, misfortunes, illnesses - in the Church we are freed from them, we are healed, we are consoled, we are relieved; in the world we walk in the darkness of passions, we do not know what we are doing and where we are striving, for the darkness of sin blinds the eyes - in the Church we are enlightened with the eyes of our hearts and clearly see the light; in the world we are defiled - in the Church we are cleansed and sanctified; in the world we fall into mental and physical weakness - in the Church we receive strength of soul and body. From the Church comes life, strength, holiness, truth, light, boldness of spirit, consolation and joy. Glory and thanksgiving to God, who has contained so many heavenly blessings in His Church on earth! From overeating on halibut (I ate a lot during the hunt, having not eaten for a long time), my soul became completely weak and cold towards God and my neighbor, it became deadened, darkened, and was subjected to extreme oppression; the enemy tied him up, his voice disappeared. Sweets greatly corrupt the soul and body. The study of social mores, skills, customs, habits, passions, weaknesses, omissions is entrusted to the brethren (and to have an unmissable observation yourself) in order to influence society. To exchange thoughts, observations, and comments, meet with the rector and other members of the clergy. Go to Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street to intercede for the poor woman in the house where Zasyadko lived. My God! How great are the blessings promised to us by God, and we neglect them! Their eternity alone means so much! And their sweetness is endless, their beauty, purity, greatness! Blessed are you, holy saints, who have renounced the sinful pleasures of these corruptible, transitory blessings and who have desired with all your heart the incorruptible blessings! January 4. Wednesday. After a trip to St. Petersburg and after gluttony and satiety on various trips, after the air there, I had to serve early mass - and oh! how hard it was for me to serve her! What tightness, sorrow, what passion was in me (with indignation at the prosfirnitsa). I barely celebrated mass! In the evening in the apartment [L...] before and during the betrothal, the Lord performed a miracle of mercy and power with me, delivering me through my prayer from demonic fear, from cramped conditions, dumbness, and granted me without stumbling, solemnly performing a prayer service for the betrothal of the bride and groom. Oh, my insane greed! I’m full, but I’m staring at the food, I’m full, but the piece in my hand seems small, or I hardly eat the prosphora because I’m full, but the prosphoras are large and correct, I extremely wish for that, and when they are not, I’m furious at the prosphora maker. January 6. Morning. I positively suffer from greed and overeating: I am weak and fearful in heart, irritable because of trifles, I leave the Lord for a while on solemn occasions: out of unreasonable fear I do not utter words during divine services. Yesterday, on Christmas Eve evening, I ate plenty of salmon and black caviar. I feel an excess of juices in my sides and a burden from them. God! Help me to despise and leave greed with gluttony and gluttony. Amen. I thank the Lord, who surprised me yesterday before the great Blessing of the Water with miracles of His mercy and power, when the bodiless enemy so pinned me down, so oppressed my spirit with fear that I cried before the Lord, asking for peace and spiritual strength to read the prayer for the Blessing of the Water. The temptation was due to Leonty Neustroev, who hovered around the lamp for a long time and somewhat interfered with the clergy doing their job; I was outraged in spirit at the action of Belial and prayed earnestly not to fall into temptation. The Lord was merciful and gave me the grace to read the entire prayer without stumbling. Glory to the Lord, who heard me in the hour of sorrow, fear and disappearance from the wiles of the devil. During mass the voice was weak from cold and gluttony. I thank the Lord, who showed me help through my tearful prayer at the litany and the blessing of the loaves to say all the prayers and exclamations without stumbling, except for release and the prayer to Christ, the true Light, for which I suffered greatly from the enemy who captured me, who tormented me mercilessly. But with a strong prayer of repentance and falling to the throne of God, he snatched mercy and peace from the Lord. He served the all-night vigil with the merchant Gerasimov. Glory to the Lord, who does not abandon me in His mercy and power. When I was and walked a lot in St. Petersburg, the air there intensified the putrefaction in my juices, or scrofula, and a scrofulous tear flowed from my right eye (scrofulous matter had previously flowed from my right ear). Arriving in Kronstadt, I felt a hoarse voice, tightness in my chest, and it was difficult to sing. Glory to You, Lord, who leads me from death to life, from confusion to peace, from crampedness to space, from darkness to light, from sadness to joy, from weakness to strength, from cowardice and fear to boldness, from the shame and dishonor of sin to the honor and greatness of Your justification, from vain, corruptible, sinful sweetness to Your true sweetness, incorruptible, heavenly, holy, from corruptible beauty to eternal, most holy beauty. I am such a glutton and wine drinker, and I so often partake of the most heavenly, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. I, who am God's belly [Phil.3:19]! Oh, God's patience! Oh, the immeasurable mercy of God! How I feel during the celebration of the Liturgy as a sinner, weak, low, shameful, earth-bound, yet how holy, heavenly, venerable, high is the Sacrament I perform! Who is capable of worthy accomplishment of it? Who has a pure heart, not bound by worldly lusts and pleasures, ardently loving the Lord and passionately beloved by Him humanity, groaning under the burden of sin and countless disasters on earth, perishing in countless kinds of destruction (various types of suicide, from hunger, cold, from drunkenness, fornication, unbelief, pride, extravagance, etc.) January 6. I know that the words of prayers, praises and thanksgivings to the Lord, in general all the words of worship are a source of living water for me and for people who pray and praise the Lord, and yet, from the devilish fear I often hesitate to pronounce them, I am afraid and, as it were, ashamed and involuntarily kill my soul, plunge myself into sorrow and suffering, into darkness and crampedness. My God! What my grief! The devil gets in my way and does not allow me to speak, he begs me for my heartfelt passions, for my sins, although I often defeat him with tears of repentance. My most evil fighter, from the beginning, does not sleep, especially on the days of the great Christian holidays, which for him are a deadly sword. Who, what kind of mother, like the Mother of God, can love us so ardently, so purely, so strongly, so effectively? What kind of mother is so obedient and helpful? So, let us always resort to Her reliably in repentance, with a pure heart. January 7. Continually, O Lord, You work miracles and do good to me: every day You wonderfully restore and renew my mental and physical strength - those through faith and repentance and communion of the most pure, wonderful, heavenly, Divine, life-giving Mysteries, and these through sweet sleep, full of strange dreams and spiritual creativity. Every morning I wake up a new person in my body. Glory to Thee, great, most good, wise, wonderful God in the Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Soul! Give me the grace to always and forever be with You! Pre-cleanse me from all defilement of the flesh and spirit and sanctify me with inalienable, eternal sanctification, for holiness is the essence of our souls and bodies and the property of all Your rational creatures, created in Your image and likeness. Be holy, thou art, for I am holy... The Lord your God [1.1:16; Lev.11:44]. When depicting the sign of the cross, Orthodox Christians fold the first three fingers of their hands and bend the two small ones to the palm so that every learned and unlearned, small and adult, simple and noble, seems to see and touch daily the Most Holy Trinity and the One of the Persons of the Holy Trinity, the Son of God, incarnate and made man for the sake of our salvation, the one God-man in two natures, and imprint these two great Mysteries in the mind and in the heart and loved the Lord with all their heart, with all their thoughts and with all their strength. How can we more tangibly represent the Lord who so tangibly benefits us every day, if not through the main organ of our touch and action - the right hand? After mass on January 7. I thank the Lord for His great mercies: firstly, in the Guards crew before the prayer service (the team from the “Derzhava”) for the obvious removal of sorrow and oppression and for the gift of peace, freedom, boldness; secondly, in the Assumption Church, before the liturgy itself and during the liturgy itself, repeatedly. He performed the entire Liturgy without stumbling, both at the great entrance, and at the prayer behind the pulpit, and at the dismissal - he said everything completely. Only after the completion of the Sacrament, due to weakness, the Holy Synod and Metropolitan Isidore did not remember the words: To Your Holy Churches in the world, whole, honest, healthy, long-living... I praise and thank the Lord for the great deliverance. Ten o'clock in the evening. I also thank the Lord for two great and speedy deliverances and salvations. Before entering Blinov’s house to give prayer to the princess in labor, when I thought suspiciously about Father Alexander, that he had hidden the famous money, and was greatly hurt and embarrassed, and after reproaching the beggar for drunkenness, not knowing for sure that he was drinking, I again felt bad - the Lord saved me for my repentance soon. Has Christianity entered into your flesh and blood? Has it changed you significantly for the good? Have you become a new person? Otherwise, woe to you! January 8. Again, an unworthy, base behavior on the eve of early mass: eating too much meat soup in the evening and aggravating the stomach; I saw that the children were eating soup - give it to me too. But what is typical for children does not suit me, an adult and a priest, who must constantly fast. Transformation by God's grace. I went to Matins as if bound along the ribs and chest. At the beginning of the service and throughout, her chest was not free, it was difficult to sing. Then it turned out that, as a result of satiety, a spiritual serpent was nesting in my insides, which extremely oppressed, confused, embarrassed me, and frightened me. This happened especially at the end of the all-night vigil and before the dismissal, which I completely stole due to demonic fear and fear of people. Christ, the true Light, spoke with extreme difficulty and, out of fear, did not finish or missed the words: to do Thy commandments. At mass, during the celebration of the proskomedia, the enemy offended and embarrassed me at the sight of small and stale prosphora - which should not have been paid attention to. Greed and greed increased in me to the extreme. The enemy squeezed me, pinned me to the extreme, even if I quit serving mass. I prayed strongly, accused, condemned myself, rejected myself, the old man, so tenacious in me, despised the flesh with its passions, recognized it as deceitful, a murderer. This ardent repentance and conviction saved me, bending the Lord to mercy. Oh my God! I stood at the throne of God, serving the Divine Liturgy, the Sacrament of Redemption, Deification, the Heavenly Sacrament, and I was completely devoted, although involuntarily, to the earth, to carnal passions. How destructive is gluttony, and it has become a habit... Then it became easier, the voice was clearer, louder and louder, more graceful, freer in the chest; The power of the enemy is finally broken by the omnipotent grace of God. The Liturgy is completed, ended victoriously. The black army is scattered by the Angels of God. Glory to the Lord, mighty in battle! But I am ashamed of my face for abusing God’s long-suffering! The enemy daily subjects our love to the test: now he tempts it with envy, now with hard-heartedness and stinginess and love of money, now with pride and ambition, now with lustful lust, now with anger and rage, now with greed, gluttony and satiety or drunkenness, now with vanity in clothing, housing, decoration, now with games - card, stage, or theatrical, and various other ways. Deign to fight every day against the kindled arrows of the evil one. January 9. Miserable, prodigal sinner, I was subjected to fornication this night, or rather in the morning, through my carelessness and love of bliss: waking up at four o’clock and learning that it was still early, I lay down again and fell asleep twenty minutes later, but then I had a dream and there was an outpouring of the being. Forward science: when you wake up, get up and don’t lie down anymore, but pray and read the word of God, gaining wisdom for the salvation of yourself and others entrusted to my spiritual guidance. Having faith by the grace of God, like moving the mountains of the heart, as yesterday during mass, do I have Christian love? No, damn it, I don’t. So, I am nothing even with my faith - I am pitiful, poor, blind, naked. Have mercy on me, Lord! January 9. Evening. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me, unworthy, vile, to perform the early Divine Liturgy without stumbling in the Duma Church (from Burachok) and to partake of my revival of the most pure, most heavenly, immortal, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. The murderous abuse of the devil with me was because of the sexton Zrelov (why, he is not involved in singing, but some stichera); the adversary pressed, burned, tore me apart - I don’t know why. But the grace of God prevailed, broke the great power of the enemy and reigned in me. But I, the accursed one, soon lost God’s great grace through excess in food and drink, shortly after early mass, and drowsiness. For this reason, he conveniently succumbed to hard-heartedness and anger towards the poor and to punishment from God - oppression and pressure from the devil. I repented for a long time, prayed, walking down the street, about an hour, and finally the Lord delivered me from hellish cramped conditions and gave me life, peace, space, freedom. How gratifying and joyful it was to feel the Kingdom of God in your chest again! I thank the Lord, who surrounds me with the joys of deliverance! But how long will I use God’s patience for evil? Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who again delivered me from great distress and sorrow, for the harsh treatment of the poor that befell me; I prayed for a long time, repenting in the depths of my soul for my pride, lust, love of money, stinginess, hardness of heart, severity, obstinacy, and the Lord, after half an hour of repentance, with great mercy had mercy on me, giving me peace, freedom, space, greatness. Glory to the Lord! January 10. Ten o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who honored me with His great mercy during Matins, who revived me, killed by my sins (he pulled a beggar by the hair in the porch for frequent begging and, as it seemed to me, drunkenness). He read the canon at Matins with a solemn voice, and served Mass with grace and without stumbling. I praise the Lord. He took communion and was revived by the Divine fire. He struggled with the passion of voluptuousness and partiality, remembering the family of his father Nikolai [Asian] outside the city. What does the flatterer devil seek through the voluptuousness of one for another (vivi ergo virginem 97)? - Corrupt the soul and body of both, desecrate, disfigure, separate from God, as anyone who has been tempted can see this in themselves. After this, how destructive it is to encroach, even in thoughts and hearts, on the purity and chastity of someone: you yourself corrupt your soul and body even before the very lawlessness or lawless deed, not to mention the all-destructive corruption after the sinful deed itself. This is the destructive intention the devil has when he incites someone to commit fornication! Through momentary sweetness, he wants to corrupt the image of God in us forever and ever, to desecrate the churches of God - Christian souls and bodies, to disfigure, to remove us from God, to plunge into eternal sorrow, oppression, torment, darkness, and death! After this, whoever wants to dream of voluptuousness, the end of which is fiery Gehenna! For it is proper to despise the flesh, for it perishes, but to be diligent about the souls, things more immortal 98. Sweetness was given to our nature for procreation, and not for pleasure and corruption of ourselves, just as free will was given for good deeds, and not for evil. God! Save us for the sake of Your holy name. This is the true bread - the Body of Christ, but what kind of bread are you addicted to? It's shameful and sinful. Oh, how the passion of gluttony intensified within me! She became an omnipotent deity for me during the Divine Service, a demon of death and violence! Away! Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for His glorious salvation, which was revealed to me on the way to Mr. Kryukov and in his apartment before the prayer service, then on the way to the gymnasium and in the gymnasium itself when the enemy attacked me with his abominations. I thank the Lord for His glorious salvation, which was accomplished in me after I sincerely repented of my severity towards the beggars who often came up after giving the beggars again after giving them, and in my killing of one of them. After the prayer of repentance, the fire of hell went out, the tightness passed, the confusion passed, peace and silence reigned throughout the whole being. The Lord is so good and quick to obey! So, never despair, my soul, in the mercy of the Lord and in His salvation! For He is good: for His mercy endures forever [Ps. 136:1]. January 11. Marvelously, gloriously, the Lord revived me today through the communion of His Holy Mysteries, reviving, healing, and gladdening my soul, the Lord gave me a wonderful new life through communion. He served the grace of God without stumbling. The Lord made me alive from the dead. Glory to His mercy, glory to His power, glory to His power, glory to His boundless power! Eleven and a half o'clock in the afternoon. (Thanks to Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin, who asked to perform the liturgy for his brother Alexander - 40 days.) Until now, I have not learned to look at my soul and my neighbor as the most excellent part of the human being, as the image of God, as immortal by nature, and therefore my life is filled every day with iniquities, absurdities, incongruities, contradictions, internal and sometimes external ugliness: so I am beyond measure proud, voluptuous, greedy, stingy, money-loving, envious, proud, willful, impatient, hard-hearted, grumbling or partial, people-pleasing, cowardly, fearful or lazy, inactive, careless, negligent. Why do I often not treat my neighbors with meekness, humility and love? From not knowing yourself and others. In many, many ways I sin daily against my soul and my neighbors and against God through addiction to the flesh. 12. We, the clergy of the Orthodox Church, are the leaders of the spiritual, eternal Kingdom of Christ and must always behave with dignity and importance (but not pride), calmness and do our work diligently (worship, preaching, spiritual guidance of believers). I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries and gave me the gift of performing the entire liturgy without stumbling. And before the morning canon, the Lord had great mercy on me internally. But I was subjected to a severe temptation upon arriving at the gymnasium, when I saw there a beggar asking for alms through a written petition and became very angry with him, saying: “And here you don’t give me peace!” With great annoyance, I tore the package and also gave the petitioner, with bitterness in my heart, sixty kopecks. During this, I was in extreme distress and sorrow for two whole hours, although I prayed for a long time with repentance to the Lord. This torture serves me right. I strongly begged the Lord as I walked from the gymnasium to Ekaterininsky Boulevard. I said among other things: Lord! I am unworthy of Your mercy because of my malice, my unreliability, because of Your immeasurable love for me, shown to me in redemption and in the liturgy, which I perform so often, in the communion of the Holy Mysteries; but for the sake of Your sufferings, for the sake of Your ulcers, which you endured for me for all my sins, have mercy on me and do not betray me to eternal hell. And - oh, the abyss of mercy! The Lord again had mercy on me and pacified me! Glory to His long-suffering, glory to His mercy! Yesterday a small beggar Jew (petty bourgeois) was given money for a jacket and boots. He’ll go to work, he said. And God’s greatest mercy to me has always been that when I sinned, the Lord aroused me to repentance, enlightened the eyes of my heart, teaching me how to repent, softened my heart, gave tenderness, contrition, tears, and with them He poured out His mercy on me, a great sinner. Glory to His fatherly mercy and rich providence for me. I feel His great and ineffable mercies above me! But still I am the greatest sinner! How much more and more evil is in me: pride, lust, pride, malice, irritability, stinginess, love of money, ambition, guile, hard-heartedness, lies, partiality, contemplation, contempt, ill-will, sometimes ill-will, vanity in clothing and much more. January 13. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving, most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Jesus Christ is the eternal life. We will achieve the eternal life by fulfilling His commandments. Liturgy is life. How did the holy apostles, martyrs, and saints achieve life? – By mortifying oneself for the world and lusts. Six o'clock in the evening. Now in the wounds of the Lord Jesus Christ, through faith and repentance, I have found the greatest pardon and healing of the wounds of my heart, and, moreover, resurrection from spiritual death. I became angry and shouted at the beggar, who insistently asked me to write a note about him to Postelnikov (at the port for work), and I lost peace, freedom, boldness, health of soul, fell into confusion, sorrow, cramped conditions, into hellish fire, which weakened me. But I just ran with all my heart to the Lord with faith in His plagues, endured for me, for the sake of which we were all healed, and a miraculous healing instantly followed, or, better yet, the resurrection of the soul from the death of sin! Glory to the Lord! I am impatient, proud, carnal, vain, and money-loving. But let me not live for myself, but for the Lord, my Benefactor and Savior, who laid down His life for me. I have the devil lust, vanity, love of money, fear of the devil, powerlessness in the fight against Belial, various forms of delusion due to my intemperance (as yesterday at the wedding of Timofey Smirnov with Elena Dementieva (Isaeva)). We must immediately give up gluttony and fast, otherwise Satan will quarrel even more with me and the flock of Christ entrusted to me and others. Sexton Zrelov was reprimanded for his cunning at weddings (in collecting special money from the clergy). I thank the Lord for my great salvation last night, when I was in great excitement, cramped conditions and fire from vexation and anger at sexton Zrelov for his wickedness, and in repentance I prayed to the Lord for salvation and peace for myself and him, condemning myself, who had a log of sins in my body and the need for my own healing and punishment. I thank the Lord for another great salvation from the poverty and sorrow that befell me for my harsh treatment of the poor and for my stinginess and hard-heartedness towards them. How many times does the Lord save me every day, me, evil-tempered, defective, unrepentant, dissolute! Oh, long-suffering Lord! When will I get better? When will I begin to practice active philosophy, like the reverend fathers, like the saints who labored in this world? I consider gluttony and delicacy to be unimportant, but these are important habits and sins: because of them, there are many troubles in life. Salmon with vinegar is very harmful: nausea today develops scrofula. Feel. Stop her. Drinking milk well is an excellent elixir. As long as I, damned one, am partial to the world, I will not escape embarrassment from the enemy and various everyday worries. Raise me from aphids, Lord! I am worried and have no peace because of Zrelov’s error and deceit, greed and extortion, why? Because I don’t have pure love for God and my neighbor: love is not irritated or embarrassed. I will spit on money and Belial and will love the Lord and my neighbor. Calmly, meekly I will reprimand him. I thank the Lord for new deliverance at this hour by His grace: behold, the Lord has pacified [my] heart from confusion and storm for the sake of my repentance. Glory to His glorious salvation, hastening to us every day. 14. I thank the Lord for His great mercy shown to me during Matins and especially mass in deliverance from sins, sorrows and hardships, and for the great, miraculous revival of me after communion of the Divine Mysteries, for the stumbling-free performance of the Divine Liturgy in tenderness and tears, and for the great victory granted to me in His name, by His Blood after the sacrifice of let go of the funeral service of the words: he will perform in the villages of the righteous, in the depths of Abraham he will rest. In the Lord, in His Blood, I have found deliverance, healing, peace, revival, freedom, strength, boldness. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the great grace of God that reigned in me throughout the entire all-night vigil, for my repentance and faith, and for the great mercy of the benevolent Lord Jesus Christ. Great, tearful tenderness throughout the entire all-night vigil and such peace, such space in the whole being, such complete renewal that it is impossible to express in words. Glory to the Lord, who many times crushed my invisible enemies who attacked during the service and when I was walking home from the service and entering home (on the way I treated the beggars harshly, especially one of them: for this I was in sorrow and distress). At home I begged the Lord, and the Lord forgave, granting peace. I deprived myself of the greatest grace of God after the all-night vigil through intemperance, drinking one and a half glasses of milk and half a glass of tea - I burdened myself with this and could not engage in preaching (writing) and reading akathists. My heart became heavy. Oh, intemperance! How many benefits it deprives! January 15. Resurrection. After late mass. I was subjected to a grave temptation from the enemy from the side of my belly at the very beginning of mass during the proskomedia and liturgy of the catechumens: the prosphora were small and indecent for Sunday late mass, not as before. It seems that this does not matter - the point is not in the size of the prosphyra or its beauty, but only if it is baked, and not sour, and not stale. These were the qualities. But the enemy fanned the spark into a flame that devours and kills the soul, into passion, and created a storm of indignation and anger in the soul; greed showed itself in full force, the belly growled and demanded prosphyra, beautiful and large, soft, although I hardly eat them at all, but give them to others. In cramped conditions and death, I recognized my madness, my greed, my carnality, and I cried out strongly to God for salvation. I thank the Lord, who did not allow the devil to completely devour me and who granted me deliverance from the death of sin - from cramped conditions, despondency, fear, misfortune, and who established peace in me. Oh, how low I am with my passions! How they disgrace me during worship! Whereas I should be all heavenly, taken by grief with all my heart and be free, like a bird soaring in the air, I am all earth, creeping on the ground, tied as if by iron bonds to the objects of my passions, bound like a captured beast. Oh, shame! Oh madness! And all because of voluptuousness and intemperance! I thank the Lord, who has taken away from my soul the fierce warfare that could have deprived me of the official word (liturgical). I performed mass well; at the great entrance said pretty well everyone. But, saying First, remember, Lord, the Holy Governing Synod and further, became confused, embarrassed by the rapid singing of the choristers; I missed some words at the end behind the pulpit or before the end. The sermon was told strongly by Chrysostom. Received life-giving communion. Never drink milk at night: it gives me sweetness without measure, which I don’t need. I must be fed up with true grace and the Holy life-giving Mysteries. Because of the disobedience and contradiction of my wife at home, when there should have been no contradiction due to the insignificance of my demand, I was very upset, and the enemy again took the opportunity to torment me, burn, oppress, embarrass me. Again he repented and prayed - and was pardoned. I hope that the wife is also admonished and punished by the Lord in her conscience. Dignified and righteous. Wives, submit to your husband in everything as is fitting in the Lord [Col.3:18], let the wife fear her husband [Eph.5:33]. May this be the grace of Christ. This is fitting, for I am the head and at the same time the servant of all of them: with me they are calm, well-fed, clothed, warm, sufficient. Let this arise more often in the mind of my wife. May her heart soften and be touched, loving only herself and only a few of her own (her sister with two children), and hating all other relatives to the point of madness, to the point of disgust. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the network of hostility in a certain quarrel with my wife and for my quick and sincere repentance, who extinguished the hellish, painful and destructive fire in my heart, and who gave peace and space to my soul and great boldness. I thank the Lord for his help during Vespers, for the destruction of the cramped conditions by the new enemy, I especially thank the Lord for his great boldness during the wedding of two marriages, the baptism of two babies (Al. Moiseevich Fedorov and the innkeeper in Spassky’s house). This is the fruit of liturgy and communion (the fruit of a strong struggle against the enemy). The Lord has given us, in the redemption and adoption of us, to Himself so many and lofty blessings, and we cling to such insignificant things, humiliate ourselves with such shameful, low and destructive addictions, that we don’t know what to be more surprised at: either God’s endless condescension towards us, or man’s inattention, ignorance and ingratitude to God, who has blessed him so much! Take a money lover, take a drunkard or a sensualist, a fornicator, an ambitious person - how they humiliate themselves with their addictions! What lightness there was in my heart yesterday after mass and after the Sacraments of Marriage and Baptism were performed without stumbling! What grace and life! Glory to the Lord, who rewards me, unworthy, for my labors of serving Him with peace, freedom, space, boldness, an abundance of life and renewal! And after eating and drinking, the heart almost always feels not light, but heavy, especially after an excess, even a small one! After the christening at Fedorov’s, having learned that the godfather, Buranova’s sister, gave me a plain scarf instead of the expected silk one (where should I go?), I, damned one, because of this my feelings cooled due to the dissatisfaction of my self-interest! Oh, self-interest, oh, disastrous selfishness! One cannot love a person in the image of God because of such a trifle as yesterday, because of unsuccessful prosphoras, a prospera maker, having felt a murderous hostility towards it! These are the machinations of the enemy! What a lie! How does he lead us to destruction? What removes you from God and from the love of your neighbor? - worldly passions, belly, covetousness, money, rags, decay. Away with love for the flesh, for the world, for decay! Give me God and neighbor! Or yesterday I came to visit the sick Major Petrov, and his books are good. I paid special attention to the books, but my heart turned away from the patient; again self-interest, and not love for one’s neighbor, not sympathy for him, again sin. My God! How much I sin! How deeply the roots of sin and worldly addictions have penetrated into me! How poor I am in true love for God and for my neighbor, for immortal souls that have no price, for they are higher than the price, dearer than the whole world! God! Plant unfeigned love in me and strengthen it! With my heart I constantly sin through my sight: I look at someone or something and am tempted, and secretly retreat from God; everything and everything tempts me, everything or everything either attracts or repels with hostility, that is, I repel with hostility, the accursed flesh wants to extract benefit and pleasure from everything, it would like to turn everything into its idols. O vile flesh! O apostate and teaching me to apostatize! O nest of Belial! You must always be killed and enslaved, so as not to become completely inaccessible, 99 as yesterday at the beginning of the liturgy! Only through tears and fervent, whole-hearted prayer was I saved by the grace of God from the death of the spirit: carnal knowledge completely brought shame and killed my soul. Or, again, when looking at other rich or tinsel people, people with ribbons and stars, the enemy confuses and strikes me with dreamy fear and does not allow me to speak words of truth and life, prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God! My God! How many cunnings of the man-killing serpent! And how he kills others! May I pity people and myself according to God! 16. I thank the Lord for the unfailing service of the liturgy and for the miraculous revival of the Divine Mysteries upon communion, although unworthy. During the funeral service, I was terribly tempted because of man-pleasing and because of the lack of a guard, without whom I did not know to whom to send the prosphyra. The greatest tightness, the fire of hell was inside me for a long time. It was only in the gymnasium that God forgave me my sin. He served Vespers well [...] throughout. After Vespers before the prayer service to Elisaveta Mikhailovna Britneva, I was greatly tempted because of Zrelov, who spoiled my vestments with the stench of his apartment. But the Lord aroused repentance in me and had mercy on me before the wedding. Then, out of grief at the poor, when I went to A.A. [M...], I was saved from troubles many times by silently crying out to the Lord for salvation. Having such a King and such a Beginning of the Leader of eternal salvation, the Lord Jesus Christ, will I be attached in my heart to anything earthly, when this attachment is so destructive for the soul and disgusting to the Lord! Having come to know the heavenly and eternal King, let me seek heavenly and eternal blessings, and not earthly ones. Desiring earthly blessings or earthly success in everything and not receiving satisfaction because of people, because of their untruth, inconsistency or malfunction, I am always angry with them, I get irritated, thus serving the enemy of salvation, that is, both clinging to earthly things and being angry because of the loss of earthly goods or non-receipt (with many poor and abundant distribution). A person who despises earthly goods is indifferent when they are lost or squandered or not received, while someone who is partial to them worries, worries, and loses his temper when he loses them or does not receive them. So, yesterday I was extremely agitated and tormented by fire, cramped conditions and shame because the altar watchman Procopius left at the wrong time and did not serve the prosper to those present; Should the priest pay attention to corruptible bread and to please people? Then, because of the robe, he became agitated and angry with the sexton who was keeping them at home and strangling them; or at the prosphyra maker he was previously upset that the prosphyra were small and bad - all because of earthly things he lost peace and love and fell into anger, serving the enemy. If I were indifferent to earthly things, there would be no anger, I would not fall away from God, from love, I would not marry the enemy; also, if I did not make out faces and looked equally at the rich and the poor, the noble and the simple, the beautiful and the ugly (what is corruptible beauty and ugliness to me?), the old and the young, I would not worry, I would not be embarrassed at the sight of the rich and noble or learned (and I myself am a learned man) or beautiful and ugly standing in the church during the priestly service. May the Lord grant me not to look at faces and not to offend Him, my Lord, who looks at hearts and not at faces. I also learned the cruel power of wealth over myself, constantly angry, falling into darkness, into fire, into the oppression of the enemy with a large number of demands from the poor and neglecting and scolding in the wrath of the poor, the least of the brethren of Christ, redeemed by His blood, equal to me and, perhaps, better than me! Oh, how much I have suffered because of my addiction to money and because of my anger at beggars for asking for alms! Many, many of us depart from the Savior with sorrow when we hear from Him about the distribution of property to the poor [Matthew 19:21] (or such a teaching seems strange and incompatible with our way of life), and willingly remain in the power, the worldly power of fleeting wealth. 17. I suffered terribly and for a long time today due to the action of the devil from silence due to the fear of a person (comrade Klepachevsky, another at the early masses) of the words of dismissal: Christ, our true God, through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, our venerable and God-bearing fathers. Am I afraid to pronounce the name of Christ often? But It is just as necessary to pronounce it often and [carry it around 100] in the mind and heart as to breathe, even more so. Did I keep silent about the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God and the saints? But they are more necessary than all the blessings of this life, they are our consolation, help and hope. In the future, let me not hide the words of God, let me pronounce them with boldness and loudness, not fearing any of the people or demons. He served all Matins successfully, with sweetness and space in his heart; at the very end, her enemy terribly wounded me and scolded me. O villain! This is for yesterday’s gluttony or for the conversation with Zakhar Ivan about his intrigues against me during the service. From now on, let me keep silent about my struggles with the enemy. I thank the Lord for the grace of deliverance from passions and demonic intrigues during the liturgy, especially at the end, during communion and after (and the sexton does not sing during communion, and the stichera are truly a disaster: sometimes they sing concerts and other sacred songs). I barely overcame the stubbornness of the enemy by the grace of God - barely, because I have little faith and cowardice. I thank the Lord for repeatedly delivering me from the wickedness of my enemies this day and from my sins. I thank the Lord, who saves me from loss of spirit under the fierce machinations of the enemy and [helps] to gain the upper hand and victory over my enemies by the grace of God. January 18. Glory to Your wonderful, life-giving name, Lord! Glory to the wonders of Your mercy, Your power in me, a sinner! How many times have You, O my joy, Lord, delivered me today from sins and deaths during the liturgy, during funeral services in church, when the enemy repeatedly and brazenly attacked me, strongly inciting me to become embittered. In Your name I have always found victory over evil and death, only in Your name! Glory to Thee, my hope! During Vespers and after Vespers before two christenings, You, through my prayer, also mercifully listening to me, saved me from the poison of sin, and when I came home wounded by the serpent for being hard-hearted towards a beggar and repented to You, You saved me. What an abyss of goodness You are, Lord! What inexhaustible wealth of mercy and salvation! What a wealth of justification! You have shown me the abyss of Your mercy, Your strength, Your goodness. Glory to You! I will not stop praising You! For how else can I thank You? 19. The enemy alienates man from God and kills the soul through addiction to earthly objects: money, pleasures, sweets, distinctions, clothes, corruptible beauty, so Judas the Apostle made an alien to the Lord Jesus Christ and killed his soul forever, giving it over to fiery hell. Oh, what an evil is the addiction to earthly temporary things! After Matins. I had a very difficult struggle with invisible enemies during Matins. I sinned yesterday when I ate smelt fish and red cabbage with vinegar at the Grechukhins’ house in the evening; vinegar especially spoils my scrofulous blood - I feel it today; Grechukhin's lemon leaf with tea is also harmful for scrofula. I kissed tobacco smokers... But I thank the Lord, who delivered me from all spiritual troubles and the devil’s wiles. I always need to eat quick cabbage soup without meat. Where... aphids are aphid [Matthew 6:19]. How significant and what a broad application these words of the Lord have! Every day the aphid of sin smolders me, terribly smolders, kills, scourges, plunges me into cramped conditions, illness, and I constantly work as an aphid according to an ingrained habit. Woe is me! Imperishable Lord! Teach me to work every day for incorruptibility, sacredness, and truth! Correct every virtue. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy just before mass, during the proskomedia, when I, wounded by the ulcer of sin, cried out to God for mercy, kneeling before the holy throne, and received mercy, peace, freedom, healing of the ulcer; Then, after his leprosy at the Great Entrance, he also prayed for mercy and was pardoned. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner and ended the mass victoriously and solemnly. Volkova was wounded by carnal passion and, having repented, was pardoned. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me for my persistence, for His verbal supplication: the Lord saved me from great cramped conditions and ulcers scorching my soul and body when I had to have dinner. Glory to His mercy! And in the evening I was granted another new, great deliverance from God. I thank the Lord. The current young generation was not brought up in the same good spirit as we were brought up in. We were taught to honor our elders, to precede them in greetings and bows, but today’s young people, even young priests, do not know this science, and the elders, for the sake of agreement and love, must warn them in greetings, otherwise they will not even say “hello”. And you shouldn’t and shouldn’t have anything against them for this: they are a victim of the spirit of the time, the fruits of modern education, you can’t change them, let them go their own way and learn from experience, if they want, to treat their colleagues kindly. But we must pray for them sincerely, because they are extremely prone to major mischief: irritability, anger, envy, ill will, drunkenness, etc., because they do not have a good foundation in their hearts - faith, repentance and constant prayer. We pray for the living and with our sincere prayer we attract to them invisibly, imperceptibly, and sometimes noticeably, the great mercies of God and attract their hearts to ourselves and to God and piety; we pray for the dead, and if they have boldness from the Lord, they pray for us, not remaining in our debt, so that the Lord always measures for love and for all the good that we do out of sincere love for the benefit of our neighbors; He who searches hearts and wombs will reward you for every sincere sigh, for every tear for your neighbor. He who said through the Apostle: pray for one another, that you may be healed [James 5:16], will not leave our fervent prayer without fruit. So, let us breathe fervent prayer for everyone, as the Church always does, at every service. Especially every priest must be filled with ardent love and prayer for everyone, as a mediator between God and people, as he himself is burdened with infirmities and knows from experience the infirmities of human nature. Through gluttony, the devil strongly draws me to destruction, turning me away from God and from love for my neighbor, instills mortal fear, powerlessness, makes me dumb, and completely overcomes me. Oh, how wretched is gluttony! It is completely contrary to Christianity, which draws us to heaven and spiritualizes us; Gluttony draws the heart to the earth, plunges it into death, oppression, sorrow, misfortune, and separates the soul from God. A true Christian needs fasting and fasting. Despise the flesh and its lusts. Otherwise they will kill the soul forever. We slumber and sleep, accursed ones, from pride, carnality, voluptuousness, love of money, gluttony, luxury, pleasures, spectacles, drunkenness, anger, malice, pride, envy, man-pleasing (it is a sin to send out prosphyras throughout the church because of man-pleasing: today I became angry after communion - alas! because of this, God punished worthily through the devil by crowding and fire, by dumbness). If you do not have sincere love and goodwill towards everyone and envy people in something carnal, then in vain you are a priest, for the priesthood is an angelic service, heavenly, it is all filled with holiness, the love of Christ, heavenly thoughts and feelings. The priest must be above all outbursts of anger, envy, pride, impatience, voluptuousness, love of money, man-pleasing, voluptuousness, vanity, vanity. January 20. The futility and harm of gluttony and satiety from the evening today again affected strongly during Matins: a certain paralysis in the heart and in the tongue, powerlessness to utter familiar expressions in prayers and doxologies, especially at the end of the prayer to Christ, the True Light. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance and myrrh-giving during Matins and upon my arrival home, where I prostrated myself in repentance before the All-Merciful, asking forgiveness for my anger and irritability and crying out at the poor, untimely and inappropriately 101 asking for alms, as I thought. Just as the abyss is vast, God’s mercy does not fail every day and has mercy on us sinners, cleanses us, delivers us, heals us, pacifies us, enlightens us, and pleases us. Six o'clock in the evening. I praise You, Lord, for the great, wonderful miracles of my salvation in Your name. Today, upset at home, in cramped conditions and fire, I walked to vespers, but in strong trust in You, in heartfelt repentance I called out to You, and the shackles fell from my soul, death fled and life shone in my soul. And during Vespers, after the victory over the dirty tricks of the enemy, who will speak of my boldness in the Lord, and my joy, and the triumph of my soul? Glory to the Lord for everyone. I am captivated by You and You, my God, as if taken captive by my faith! Forgive me for this simplicity of faith, for truly You are given into captivity to those who believe in You, saving them by Your all-saving captivity. The Lord performed a miracle of His mercy and power with me just before the liturgy, when I, dead in soul, in cramped conditions, darkness and sorrow, walked to the cathedral after great anger and irritation at home because of a mischievous dog; I repented with all my soul of my anger and my madness and received from the Lord mercy and perfect salvation from spiritual death, life, peace, strength, boldness. He celebrated mass with the grace of God for goodness, especially after communion. I was a kind of victorious king, calm, majestic. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. In vain and in vain I got angry with my wife today because of the Lenten table, which is simple and cheap (boiled and fried fresh herring and cranberry jelly). I again showed that I am a glutton and that the demon of the womb owns me. Today was Friday. 21. Morning. Upon awakening, the following thought arose in my heart: in the church during worship, the ever-glorious name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, who created and preserves everyone and everything and saves us all, the merciful, the cleansing, the enlightening, reigns over all names. There was sadness in my heart because of yesterday’s gluttony (pies, cold beer in the hotel). Gluttony kills the soul, makes it plump, rude, and restless. January 20. A first grade student was given the book “Lives of the Saints” from January to May. What new blasphemy the evil demon has invented against the Holy Trinity! Doesn’t allow me (when I’m not ready to pray) to say three times sayings, prayers, blessings for the glory of the Holy Trinity: the second time it falters. But arise, O Lord, to help me, and may Your and our enemies be scattered! 21. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer gave me great help during Matins, when there was no sexton and I was worried, embarrassed, and when he came and I was even more embarrassed from annoyance at him. The Lord saved me from confusion and gave me the strength to complete the entire service without stumbling, except that on release I doubted and was afraid due to enemy action to pronounce the name of the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky. For this, I suffered for a long time from the enemy at the end of Matins, repented, prayed, fell with tears at the holy throne of God - and was pardoned. The devil, through my fearful silence of the saints, blasphemes them, alienates them from them, cools their hearts towards them. The voice was strong and loud. After mass and after vespers. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival of me by the Divine fire of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries and for the unfaltering service of the Liturgy, however, not without strong temptations on the part of the devil, especially before the celebration of the Sacrament, when the sexton and his assistant soon sang Worthy and righteously... Holy... and even before that I believe in one God... I didn’t say all of the dismissal, ashamed of the noble maiden... (what nonsense!) Have faith...regardless of faces [James 2:1]. Don’t be ashamed of anyone, don’t be afraid... The enemy humiliates me, my spirit drops, but this is a sin - there is no need to lose heart in any case, casting former sins into the abyss of God’s mercy and cleansing from him. Yes, and alms cleanses all sin; to bear sin, conquering God's love for mankind 102... I thank the Lord, who visited me with His great mercy and His great deliverance in the apartment of A. Yegorovich Ivanov in Neustroev’s house before the prayer service during my repentant prayer. All the way I was tormented by sin (I pulled a beggar girl by the hair). Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer in the hour of fear and melancholy of the heart, brought on by the devil before the baptism of the baby at Belinsky, and who delivered me from them and gave me the grace to perform baptism with great boldness and animation in the presence of my guardians Nikolai Matveyevich Mizurov, an engineer-colonel, and Dorofey Ivanovna Adamovich, the wife of an engineer-colonel Dmitry Efremovich. January 21. Saturday. Your eye, Lady, is the eye of Christ, your heart is the heart of Christ, your shrine is the shrine of Christ, your power is the power of Christ, your power is the power of Christ, your wisdom is the wisdom of Christ, your wisdom is the wisdom of Christ, your knowledge is the knowledge of Christ, your love is the love of Christ, for Christ God and You are one. 22. He who seeks honor or love from the people of the world greatly grieves and is embarrassed when for some reason he is deprived of this honor and love or when he is reviled. Do not seek honor and love from the world, but from God and the righteous, and you will not be indignant and grieve, for God’s love infinitely surpasses human love. Evening. Resurrection. I extol the miracles of God’s mercy that were revealed in me today during Matins and Mass. At the beginning of Matins there is coldness and weakness of heart, an unclean voice due to an unclean heart. While reading the Gospel and the canon, my heart was warmed by the grace of God, and while singing the stichera on the praises, too. But towards the end of Matins, towards dismissal, the ethereal enemy terribly wounded me and completely outraged me through the loss of a small scarf, like a rag, though pretty, with multi-colored embroidery. How, I thought, can such an insignificant rag, such decay, have power over my heart through addiction! And the enemy fools me so terribly and kills my soul! My God! The truth of Your fate and the righteousness of Your punishment for my addiction to insignificant worldly things! The embarrassment was so great that I was afraid to say goodbye and stole it, saying only the last words: for he is good and a lover of mankind. But then I rose up after a new strong wound, prayed strongly to the Lord and with all my strength said the prayer to Christ, the Light... and said it all in a chant to the end, and said the whole dismissal. With this I defeated the enemy, by the grace of God, and served quite calmly throughout the entire liturgy, although with extreme struggle. Received life-giving communion; I read the pulpit very well. All said and done. Glory to the Lord! 23. We are often offended that we are not loved, but do not ask ourselves impartially whether we are worthy of love, have we not brought upon ourselves through our pride, self-will, arrogance, stubbornness, anger, slander, envy and other sins anger upon ourselves and the disgust of others? According to impartial reasoning, it turns out that we ourselves are to blame for the fact that people do not want to have anything to do with us and move away from us in order to further avoid sin. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to sing and read Matins and Mass with the sexton Adrian Nikitin. Lesson. In any nasty, sorrowful circumstances, in the case of people’s untruths, for example, bosses, comrades, or in the event of malfunctions in someone’s service, one should not be embarrassed and lost and add trouble to trouble. But remain calm, serene, peaceful. For the enemy usually most outrages us and deprives, so to speak, the ship of the helmsman, that is, of reason. (Look at Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky.) Today I sinned gravely, being angry with the beggars several times and tearing their hair, and all because of my addiction to the world, to the flesh, to sweets, to money. I suffered hard and for a long time! By repentance, by faith, he asked for forgiveness and baptized in the Sour Good. Called to incorruption, do not pursue corruption and do not corrupt the immortal spirit and do not hasten the body to inflict the corrupting blows of passions. Approach yourself to God and His saints, attend church and divine services more often, and learn to serve God with virtues. 24. I thank the Lord, who consoled me with the greatest, wonderful deliverance during the early liturgy (from the Neustroevs about the deceased maiden Alexandra) from anger towards Archpriest Pavel V. Trachevsky, allegedly for his treachery regarding the summons to the consistory. I suffered for a long time at Matins in the cathedral, and on the way to the Assumption Church, and in the church itself; there was terrible grief, crush, tightness in my soul. But when I sincerely realized my guilt, justifying the archpriest and putting aside anger against him, the Lord immediately had mercy on me and gave me peace and space, and I served mass peacefully, solemnly, without stumbling; received communion for life and joy. Glory to the abyss of God's bounties! I was punished with dignity for yesterday’s gluttony, satiety, and wine drinking (at Neustroev’s). Oh, how heavy are the waves of sweetness! There is no Christianity in me yet: anger, zeal, irritation, pride, willfulness, disobedience, lust and greed with prodigal lusts still live in me, peace does not yet reign in me inalienably. I visited the abbot, and, as usual, he received me meekly and kindly. He did not seem to me at all as our common slanderer the devil falsely imagined him. And how could I believe the slanderer, having long known his dirty tricks? Oh, how he intensifies to sow hostility, anger, pride, disobedience, self-will, rebellion, zeal in our hearts, to sift us like wheat [Luke 22:31], to torment us, to tear us away from the Lord and from life in God! 25. Evening. I thank the Lord for the great, two-fold deliverance from the mortal oppression of sin: once in the gymnasium after internal repentance all the way from church to the gymnasium (which I gave to the poor from a fraternal circle), and another in the courtyard of the church house after neglecting one beggar and not satisfying his request; repented in the depths of my soul and received forgiveness, permission, peace, space, strength, boldness, life. I thank the Lord, who heard our common prayer for the salvation of God’s servant Alexei (a waiter in the commander’s club) from fatal drunkenness, for attracting him to fervent prayer. Thus, grant us to pray compassionately, graciously and fruitfully for everyone who requires Your help and mercy. The main features of the service depict the fate of the world and humanity, the entire economy of our salvation, the main features of the life of Jesus Christ, the saving fruits of His life, His teachings, miracles, suffering, death and resurrection, features of the life of the Mother of God, Her Nativity, introduction to the church, Annunciation, features of the life and deeds of the saints, the performance of the Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ. January 26. I almost became a laughing stock for demons last night during the following demonic dream: huge men were carrying a huge vat of vodka, laughing and swearing; Having reached the place where I was standing, they suddenly poured it out, overturning the vat: I even regretted the expense. Then two of them started arguing; then, out of nowhere, two big drunken village girls (they were walking somewhere), the men began to joke very immodestly and dirtyly with them, grabbing their reproductive members. Thank God that I was not defiled again and was not corrupted by my body this time. And we had two girls in the evening; Earlier I saw an extremely drunk Kurmashev in the fence of the house, this man or tradesman was very drunk - he could not stand and fell, muttering something and using foul language. What should I pay attention to regarding this unclean dream of the evil one? To your own lustful disposition of heart and flesh, which must be eradicated by fasting, tears, prayer, and the withdrawal of sweets. An evil, unclean spirit terribly and tirelessly deceives me: now it inflames in me evil suspicion towards the brethren for some reason given to them, hostility, now lustful suspicion, showing, as it were, the sympathy of a person of the other sex for my unclean feeling, now arousing greed for bread, when most of all it should be trampled underfoot (during the liturgy because of the prosphyra, although I do not eat prosphyr), then envy of the welfare and wealth of one's neighbor, not taking into account that it is perishable and removes many from God (it is terrible how the evil one works in me, wielding my heart and thoughts), then it produces laziness in reading the word of God, inciting only the reading of ephemeral newspapers, which leave nothing in the soul. The soul, as the final principle, must certainly serve the Highest Being, from Whom it received everything: life, breath, mind, free will, heart; this is her life, her perfection, her strength, pleasure, bliss. Otherwise, she will serve the evil principle, or her lusts and passions, for she cannot remain inactive as a spiritual, active being and will serve to her own destruction, to her own deformation, to her own eternal torment. Either serve God, or, if you don’t want this, you will inevitably serve sin - the devil does not sleep. May God grant that we live, think, feel, speak and act every day and hour according to a spiritual, and not a carnal, principle. I have no good deeds, but the Lord gave me faith. This is what the Lord is leading me to: to the consciousness of my poverty, nakedness, blindness, weakness, abomination and ugliness. To you alone be glory, O Lord, always, now and forever. And for us - shame on our face for the sake of our sins. The Lord of glory, the all-righteous Lord, wanted to accept dishonor and reproachful and painful suffering and death on the cross in this world from unrighteous people for your salvation, and you, a sinful, wicked, stinking dog, are you looking for honor and glory in this world? Is it in order to be condemned by the world? Where is the co-crucifixion with Christ? Where is the crucifixion of the flesh with its passions and lusts?.. Seek imperishable glory, imperishable wealth, imperishable food, imperishable beauty, lordship. You say: they will think badly of me. So be it. Suffer this dishonor tuna 103, for Christ. Your example is the Lord Jesus Christ, the prophets, apostles, saints, martyrs, saints, the righteous and all the saints. The saints refused golden crosses, but we are looking for them, not understanding the height of humility and the richness of poverty. 27. They say: now there are no miracles, but we live in a world of miracles; especially in the grace-filled Kingdom of Christ - in the Church, countless miracles have happened and are now happening both with our own eyes and in the inner world, in human souls. Believers and God-fearing souls know this and glorify the Lord of miracles. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in the apartment of priest P.P. Preobrazhensky from the attack of the spirit of malice, which inspired coldness and disgust from some of his children for the ugliness of his face. My God! I did not love the innocent little ones, the children of God by grace, the vessels of God, His animated churches, the saints. In repentance I raised the eyes of my heart to the Lord, and the evil of the devil departed. What an unclean heart I have! What partiality, contemplation! What a delusion of the heart! He gazes at the beautiful, admires them, admires them proudly, makes them the object of his pleasure (carnal pleasure)! And sometimes the saints of God are blasphemed in various ways, although the new person in us is surprised by them, loves them, admires them. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who quickly and miraculously had mercy on me and delivered me from the sorrow and hardship that befell me for the grief and anger at the woman who had again arrived from St. Petersburg to ask me for alms (while without her there are no beggars in Kronstadt - there are a lot of them), to whom I gave a ten-kopeck piece with annoyance, and for grief over the large subscription to the [Isidore] almshouse in St. Petersburg for the poor of the clergy and for the Theological School (only twelve rubles at a time). I repented, calling on the name of the Lord, placing my trust in His many bounties, and was not deceived: the Lord revived my soul, deadened by sins, pacified, healed, and spread. Glory to His love for mankind! He is my inexhaustible treasure, He is my wealth, He is my sweetness, my light, my strength, my beauty, driving away absurd passions. Destroy the animals, my stifled passions, Lord, destroy them, cleanse them and consume them completely. Amen. I thank the Lord, who saved me for repentance at this hour from the adulterous inclination of my thoughts and hearts at the memory and imagination of a woman’s face. 27. This morning I made a big mistake - I ate a large French roll with tea, without having the urge to eat or drink, because yesterday evening I ate and drank quite a lot. That’s why it was hard for me all day, and I was conveniently caught in the sin of voluptuousness by an incorporeal enemy. I repent before the Lord. 28. How long will my life be full of ugliness and the absurdity of gluttony and gluttony? This shameful slavery to the womb? Because of the French bread I ate yesterday morning, I had a hard time all day. Having retained my strength for so many years through my distance from intercourse, how come I don’t understand or don’t remember that I need very little food every day and that I shouldn’t eat often even for a day or two? Lord, enlighten me and help me to despise the womb, the source of the greatest disgrace in life. Gluttony kills prayer, takes away energy from the soul, breeds in the heart of the glutton malice, envy, greed, hard-heartedness, love of money, fornication, unbelief, laziness, despondency, evil, blasphemous and nasty thoughts. That's how much evil this disgusting passion produces! Thank God that I hear good reviews about Father Peter Klepachevsky, about his service and preaching. Let our light shine before men [Matthew 5:16]! Amen. I glorify the long-suffering of my Master, Jesus Christ, who has suffered with me, the accursed and prodigal, until now, and has not destroyed me with my iniquities, lovingly merciful to me every day and saving me from countless sins. I sinned through stinginess, love of money, hard-heartedness, bitterness, pride, grumbling when, walking from Matins, I saw and heard beggars begging for alms, who had not worked all winter and came to me for alms. What fruit do I get from alms, I thought in the bitterness of my heart? I give food to parasitism and laziness, the poor abuse my alms, although it is not my business to sort out where they use it; my job is to give, fulfilling the commandment of the Lord. Because of my sin, false sorrow and oppression befell me; I could not find a place. But I repented from the depths of my soul with tenderness and tears, and the Lord took away my guilt from me, giving me peace, spaciousness of heart, and boldness. Glory to the Lord! From now on, let me not be faint-hearted when giving alms, for the reward is undoubtedly and great for alms, only let me give it willingly, diligently and with humility. Wake up. January 28, 1878 After the all-night vigil in the Duma Assumption Church. Without abstinence you cannot overcome the wiles of the enemy, but the enemy will defeat you. Today, out of a stupid, unfortunate habit, I drank coffee with fresh cream in the morning and a glass of tea, also with cream; I went to the gymnasium and felt sweat relaxing my body; at a memorial service in the gymnasium for teacher Nikolai Anikievich Ivanov, he turned out to be extremely weak, powerless to pray and to fight the disembodied enemy; I missed it out of fear of speech and words - then I broke into a sweat. Then, after the first lesson, at twelve o’clock, teacher Ivan Nikiforovich Ruslov called me to his place for a snack; I had the weakness not to refuse and again had a bite and drank a glass of coffee; I allowed myself even more weakness; After one class, a prayer service was served by Commissar Sizov. The prayer service was served poorly due to satiety (from vodka and everything) and drinking, then he ate again; I came home and ate cabbage soup and black grouse. I again relaxed even more, although there was nowhere to go. At the end, he served the All-Night Vigil incorrectly, he could not pronounce the dismissal, Christ, Light, and the Gospels he did not read at the end. Prevent the grief promised to those who are now full [Luke 6:25]; you are full every day - may you not hunger forever, deprived of the communion of the Lord. During the divine service, the priest must be independent and independent as a servant of God, as an Angel of the Lord Almighty and not look at anyone present in the church, be it a king, or a synclitic, 105, or a bishop, or a mayor, a rich or learned person, etc., for by a slavish state of mind in relation to people you neglect the highest work of worship or the performance of the Sacrament, because the priest, he who serves and pays attention to the faces of the mighty of the world is double in thought and in the heart and is unworthy of standing before the throne of the Most High and Exalted. I am called to the highest, heavenly, angelic service in order to purify, sanctify, make sons, and adore people through the Sacraments I administer and the preaching of the word of God. But hitherto I performed this service unworthily and lived unworthily, in passions, in worldly addiction, gluttony, greed, lust, love of glory, in anger, pride, envy, luxury, hard-heartedness towards the poor. How long will I be a slave to the belly and sweets and endure the ridicule of demons and reproach? Post, post, post! I still don’t know the Christian ABCs: I haven’t learned true, unhypocritical, undying love, meekness, humility, abstinence, simple-heartedness, purity and chastity, obedience, courage, firmness, patience, non-covetousness. 29. In the morning, getting up from sleep, I felt heavy, as if bound by the gluttony of the past days, especially the day before. During the later mass in the Duma Church, I also felt bound, powerless in my soul, and therefore repented and prayed to the Lord for mercy and help; received great relief from prayer and was confident in the Lord; While reading the Gospel about Zacchaeus, he was touched and shed tears, putting himself in the place of Zacchaeus before the face of the Lord and asking him to seek and save me, who had perished. It became easy, easy, because the Lord visited my spiritual home, like Zacchaeus. Before the great entrance, I was embarrassed because the deacon did not kiss my hand when I took the censer from him, so at the entrance I vaguely pronounced the names of the highest persons and all the words. Then, during the mass, there was a strong temptation from the enemy because of the deacon, evil suspicion regarding him; I could barely stand and get away from it: it embarrassed, burned, oppressed me; First of all, remember, the Lord did not say everything - the devil crushed him; then the rest is good; behind the pulpit firmly; Not everyone said the dismissal: he was embarrassed because of the prosphira sent by the deacon without permission (oh, my greed!). At the royal prayer service, because of the same thing, there was a strong temptation, which was with difficulty overcome by the prayer of repentance. Horror, what machinations of the enemy on the hellish side and what addiction to the world, to the womb, to the passionate flesh on the other, my side! He read the prayer behind the pulpit and the prayer of thanks at the prayer service very loudly, defeating and trampling on the enemy, who was stumbling and forcing him to remain silent. In the end he emerged victorious in the power of the fortress of Christ. Without Christ there is only trouble for a moment! At christenings on two small mezzanines there are grave temptations: in one from the sweet face of the recipient, in the other from the tight air. Man sees on the face, but God... on the heart [1.16:7]; a person often loves someone like himself only out of pride for his own sweetness! Oh, madness! Where is love according to God, according to the spirit, and not according to the flesh! On another tower he baptized, said prayers with grief and displeasure at the owner and mistress of the premises. At Blinova’s he baptized solemnly, loudly, but the silk scarf confused him and drove him a little crazy. Only at Komarov’s did he perform the christening dispassionately and solemnly. How many weaknesses, ghosts, languor due to addiction to the world! And the complete good, unchangeable, vital, is Christ and His grace. What do I have and who do I have besides You, Lord? You are everything to me, everything in the world is vanity, insignificance, everything beautiful is decay, everything sweet is decay, sweet only for a minute, for a moment. And because of the sweets and beauties of the earth, we are separated from God, we become hostile to each other or are seduced by others! Madmen! 30. Evening. I thank the Lord for the great help to me, weak, always attacked by demons; Yesterday at five and a half o'clock in the evening I served a memorial service for the deceased Irina in Kikin's house and, being under the influence of wine, I was embarrassed and doubted that I would be able to pronounce the litany - and so it happened: the enemy faltered and interrupted at the first litany, but at the final litany, by the grace of God, I took strength over the opposing forces and clearly, boldly, calmly pronounced all the words, as at the dismissal. Glory to God, who delivered me from the heights of demons and satanic poison and made me glad with His grace. 31. Today upon arrival, dry the Holy Gifts in the Assumption Church. God! Keep them safe and uncorrupted by air changes. Protect me on my journey forward and back and prosper in everything; Grant everything intended to be fulfilled safely; show the holy paten in glory, for Your all-holy table is both this paten and the future, variable one. A conversation with me from a Kronstadt clerk from the Kronstadt Commercial Bank about the importance and benefits of preaching during worship. We must always speak up. I will speak with the help of God. Earthiness is attachment to earthly things. Alive, therefore virgin (lat.). General Troparion to the Saints, tone 8. Inaccessible (obsolete) – useless, worthless. Obnosti (Church Glav.) – to carry around, to distribute. Placeless (Church Slavic) – absurd, improper, obscene. Tune (Church Slavic) – meaning: without guilt, without reason, in vain. Istniti (Church Glav.) – crush into dust, trample, break. Synclit - member of the State Council (synclit - assembly, supreme civil government).