Декабрь 1877 года

December 1st. Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God for healing me from a severe headache in a natural way - evening sleep, from four to eight o'clock in the evening. My head ached from the wine I drank immoderately yesterday while traveling home with the cross (although I was not drunk) and from lack of sleep: I got up at four and a half o'clock, having gone to bed at twelve. I thank the Lord for the miraculous revival of me yesterday by the communion of the Holy Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood. I swim against the current of sin in worship and in life, so sometimes it’s difficult for me, I stumble, I’m hurt, I suffer. But the Lord is my helper, my nourisher and helper, my doctor, and my savior. When you see the icon of the Mother of God with the Eternal Child, think and say within yourself: glory to Thy incarnation, O Christ God, glory to Thy Mother who incarnated You without seed! Oh, how good it is to cleave to God [Ps. 72:28] and pray to Him earnestly! What peace! What sweetness! What lightness! What space of the heart! Glory to Thee, Source of our life, Christ God! December 2. According to the flesh, the devil killed the Son of God on the cross through evil people, therefore the Lord Jesus Christ beats him worthily and righteously and will beat him with the cross, and slay him with the cross, and will crush with the cross all his power, both Himself directly and through His faithful servants. Worthy and righteously, the cross became a weapon against the devil and his hordes. Glory, Lord, to Your honorable Cross. I sinned yesterday: while giving alms to the poor, I drove away one of them when he began to strongly demand for clothes and I shouted to the policeman. A lesson in a dream from a Russian soldier, as if in France, a Catholic country, where I arrived: the soldier gave me a pack of credit notes, then, going somewhere, he gave me another pack, but, taking it from me, he threw them with disdain on the ground several times, teaching me to treat them with contempt, especially since they (money) pose a terrible obstacle to me in life, in prayer and piety, they outrage my soul, they destroy her, humiliate her and put her to shame before people and Angels. I also saw woven or crocheted lace on the church clothes of Catholic priests, knitted by them themselves. My counselor (Russian, it seems) showed this to me with ridicule, but for some reason I looked at these works with respect and considered the colored lace to be the flowers of virtues. Let it be so: and they are not without good deeds that encourage their souls. This was also in French stores in France; There are shops and restaurants right there where the French are treated, and I was kindly invited to drink a glass of wine. Not being able to speak French, I said goodbye only [...]. The devil, before the prayer service and during the prayer service in Mr. Landvagen’s Sinebrykhov’s house, bit me through the suspicion I expressed of Father Klepachevsky of hiding famous (in the western part of the city) money, being himself involved in hiding it for the benefit of the poor. However, I considered and still consider it righteous if only it is righteous to give alms to the poor from the tuna we received from the parishioners on behalf of the brethren from our excessive labors in favor of the brethren. After all, the poor are our brothers, and it is said: if only we remember the poor, which I tried to do exactly [Gal.2:10]. Not everything, I think, should be donated personally, but sometimes on behalf of the whole brethren, the pennies I have obtained. So, during the prayer service, the devil pinched me, embarrassed and shamed me, so that I could not utter many exclamations in the litanies and read the Gospel to the West and prayers during the prayer service. I couldn't get rid of the villain. So I need to despise money like the dust and dirt of the streets: it separates the soul from God and plunges it into destruction. December 4. Morning. I thank the Lord, who gave me yesterday at two and a half o’clock the grace of boldness and sincerity in my heart during the service of a prayer service in the artillery workshop; Before the prayer service, the Lord cleansed my soul from the bad thoughts and sensations that had scorched it. I praise the many-merciful and benevolent Lord of my life. I also thank you for the all-night vigil at Neustroev’s, but here I was imperfect in my service, timidity and fear attacked me, and I skipped many words against my will - however, thank God for what I spoke and sang. The crafty one played a dirty trick. December 4. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy, for the miracles of delivering me from terrible cramps and sorrows during the all-night vigil and especially the early liturgy; As a multi-passionate person, due to my evil skill and the influence of the evil one, I was subjected to rancor, a feeling of vengeance for insults, real or imaginary, from N. Sidorov (who did not accept the cross on St. Andrew’s Day), suspicion and anger at the sexton Zrelov, considering him, due to the slander of the devil, a swindler in the exploitation of fraternal incomes. These feelings were killing me, paralyzing me. But through repentance and prayer, the Lord delivered me from the wiles of the enemy and gave me peace many times over. The temptations were especially severe due to satiety the day before. I felt it. Peter will be remembered on St. Nicholas Day at mass - Evlampia Petrovna’s father. I thank the Lord for deliverance from evil lust in Kozlyaninov’s apartment on the name day of his wife Varvara. It is great to be in the image of God! Keep the hedgehog inside you according to your image! Ascend to likeness continually! Just as the urge for food and drink was given by God to animals, including man, so that through eating and drinking they would support their life, be strengthened and encouraged, so the desire for a lawful wife was given to man in order to produce children, and not in order to satisfy lust or sensuality. According to God's intention, there is nothing seductive in a woman, and the high purpose of a woman should disarm all lust as absurdity. To love God with all your heart means not to give room in your heart even for a minute to free sin and to love the truth at all times sincerely, firmly, deeply, unchangeably. Grant me, God, to love You in this way all the days of my life and to repel the all-flattering, all-destructive sin that appears to us under the guise of pleasantness, under the guise of truth, under the guise of the demands of nature, the rules of society, innocent habits, customs. December 5th. Morning. Walking from Matins, I became angry with the beggars who were watching me, because they were following me everywhere, but in the church in the porch they did not stand with the others, and for this a scorching fire overtook me in my bones, and I became weakened everywhere. But after a short, diligent repentance at home, the Lord had mercy on me and gave me peace and joy. Glory to the Lord, who is still patient with me and has mercy on me. We are seduced into sin by sweetness, for which we are all hunters, and also by beauty, which, like a magnet, attracts our hearts. But this sweetness, this beauty is perishable, and the enjoyment of them is associated with mental and physical corruption. But spiritual sweetness and spiritual beauty are incorruptible, and the enjoyment of them is eternal, if one has learned in this life to cleave to spiritual sweetness and beauty through contemplation of God, prayer, vigil, reading, glorifying, doing good, and abstinence. Let my heart be lifted up by fear towards You, the Word, and let nothing sweeten me from worldly beauties to weakness 88. I sinned before the Lord with repeated hardness of heart, stinginess, murmuring, condemnation, obstinacy towards the poor - the least of Christ's brethren and mine. With their visible mercy I often, often covered up my envy, stinginess, greed, my love of money and hardness of heart. If the poor could see in what disposition of heart I give them alms, many, perhaps, would not accept it from me - it is so bitter! Is this how it is necessary to distribute the gifts of Your goodness, Lord? Have mercy on me, Lord, I have often offended Your goodness and Your generosity through my malice, my stinginess and cruelty, my lack of faith and unbelief, I have forgotten Your promises! The Holy Church, through its divine services, enlightens, corrects our view of ourselves, of the purpose of our life, teaches, edifies, consoles, heals, and elevates grief. It is known how the world darkens the eyes of our hearts, distorts our view of life and its purpose, and what deeds it teaches its admirers, deeds whose end is shameful death. Oh, how lofty, how pure, how heavenly, how elevating to heaven is the Christian faith! How it elevates, sanctifies, spiritualizes, deifies a person! But who lives worthy of his faith? Who despises earthly things and strives with all his being for heavenly things? Who despises the flesh as transitory? Who crucifies her with passions and lusts? Who fasts, curbing all passions? Fasting is necessary to more often enlighten a Christian’s heartfelt outlook on life, a gaze darkened by worldly pleasures, just as prayer vigil is necessary. Wonderful faith of Christ! Who lives worthy of it? Who is renewed by it from day to day? Rising from strength to strength? From virtue to virtue? O saints of God! Apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and righteous ones! You lived, prayed, labored, suffered, and died worthy of this heavenly faith! For this reason, even after death, you are fragrant and glorified throughout the whole earth. December 6. Matins and especially early mass were for me a time of severe testing: the initial temptation was heavy vestments; I ordered the watchman to prepare the others and the lungs, he took out, but not all the accessories for them, he dropped others behind the cupboard and fumbled for a long time in search, and time was extremely precious - it was necessary to put on clothes immediately; I got angry and, in impatience and anger at the watchman Alexei, threw my legguard in his face; he was offended and said to me: why are you fighting? These words stung me and at the same time frightened me, I was afraid of my action, and the devil began to confuse and oppress me even more and plunge me into despair. I resorted to deep repentance, considered myself alone to be guilty of this disorder, recognizing myself as passionate, reckless, and put off my anger at the watchman, asking him for forgiveness more than once, especially before communion. Throughout the service, the devil fought incessantly, fiercely (for me it was a fierce day, according to the Apostle [Eph. 6:13]). The Holy Synod and the Metropolitan did not remember as they should, without saying the words out of the devil’s deceit: grant them also to Thy Holy Churches in the world, whole, honest, healthy, long-lived... He read the entire pulpit, and at the liturgy he said dismissal to everyone except Saint Alexander Nevsky (at Matins he stole all of it because he was in the devil’s agony). At prayers and outside prayers on this day, the devil tempted the sexton Zrelov many times with murderous envy in that he was given special things everywhere, and from the mug he would again receive his share. But with the prayer of repentance he drove away the demon of envy and served calmly, without stumbling. I thank the Lord of hosts, the gracious, the gracious, the beneficial, the deliverer, the savior, the physician, the comforter, the helper. All the troubles of temptation come from the unbridled belly. The womb is an idol. When will I be a true wise man? When will I live like the saints? When will I bridle my belly and subdue my flesh? The whole chain of sin is in the flesh, all the knots of passions are in the flesh, therefore it is urgently necessary to crucify it, to suppress it with fasting, vigil, prayer, contemplation of God, and labor. During worship, we often remember and glorify the One who created the eyelids, or time, and who from eternity had memory of us and will forever remember, that is, the Lord, the Creator of the ages and our Savior, who created and contains everything with the word of His power. To the schismatics: you are unfortunate and poor orphans, for you do not have a true mother who gives birth and gave birth to her children in truth. God! Turn them to Your truth, to Your Church. The goodness and wisdom of God arranged for newborn babies two maternal breasts, like two sweet fruits, exuding sweet, nutritious, infant food. I, the unworthy servant of my God, also fed on these breasts. And now my Lord feeds me with His Flesh and Blood! Oh, miracle! Oh, terrible Sacrament! Thank you, Creator, my Savior! December 9th. From the vessel of the flesh, which was overflowing with food and drink, the defilement of fornication became at night. I sinned that in the evening after the bath I ate fish with a bun and myself contributed to the night’s desecration. Getting up immediately (one o'clock in the morning), I changed my underwear, washed my hands and prayed to the all-merciful Savior with the tears that He gave to me, the indecent one. Then he lay down and soon fell asleep again. I feel that good does not live in me, that is, in my flesh [Rom. 7:18], I feel in myself self-love and all the evil branches that arise from it: ambition, love of glory, vanity, love of money, hard-heartedness, lust, envy, ill will, sometimes ill will, lustful disposition, partiality, negligence, laziness to please God or to one’s salvation and others entrusted to my spiritual leadership. God! I am burdened with the darkness of evil - deliver me from them and save me, for Thine is the hedgehog to have mercy and save. Teach me to despise the many-passionate flesh, which separates me from Thy holiness and from Thy love, and to be diligent about souls and immortal souls. Obey, it is said, your teachers and be submissive, for they are vigilantly watching over your souls, as those who must give an account [Heb.13:17]. Ten and a half o'clock in the afternoon. Again today, with greed, I ate a whole loaf of tea and thereby burdened myself, becoming a senseless slave of the belly and the devil. I have sinned against the Lord! In the morning you don’t need to eat anything, not even drink. December 10. Subtlety, tenderness, purity of moral feeling are necessary for every Christian in order to comprehend and feel the greatness, multitude and continuity of God’s blessings, in order to have ardent love for God and for His commandments, in order to ardently love holiness, truth, and with all my soul and with all my heart to abhor vice, in all its forms and degrees. The bathhouse of the third day in the evening (December 8th) had an unfavorable effect on me with its heat (in frosty times I washed myself in the section where the heater and shelves were): at night there was a strong prodigal burning, and from it weakening of strength, ill health, pain in the lower back, and a special burden in the depths of the stomach. I need to run extremely hot given my habit of cold and fresh air - the heat has a destructive effect. Are you jealous of the truth, you evil and all-evil demon, reminding me of the sins of my youth or of the sins now committed, and thus confusing and puncturing me due to my cowardice and lack of faith? No, you cannot be zealous about the truth or teach the truth, but you only teach to sin more through cowardice and despair after committing sin, and therefore away, run far from me, the enemy of my God and mine - I have sinned and sinned to my only God, I repent of Him, from Him I will receive mercy with the remission of my sins, but I do not want to serve you in any way. For me, my Lord was completely satisfied with the righteousness of God, He suffered on the cross for me, and shed all His blood. The price for me has been paid in abundance. Be gone, my enemy! I will strike you with the cross. Amen. Seven and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to sweetly read the canons: the canon of all the saints, the funeral canon and the holy martyrs Mina, Hermogen and Evgraf, the canon and stichera on the funeral stichera to sing and the entire sequence of Matins with God the Lord and appearing to us to the end. Glory to Thee, O Lord, our sweetness and our joy, our easy yoke and light burden [Matthew 11:30]! The grapes and apples had a good effect on my weak and sick body last night. God bless! And drinking milk is good - thank God. Today I ate a roll with tea and crackers in the morning, without feeling hunger or the urge to eat and drink, and it turned out badly - there is heaviness and aching in my stomach, which means that nature is punishing me for excess, for greed and says: never eat or drink in the morning - it’s not the time, it’s a grave sin to work for the belly, not for God, and to use God’s gifts on a whim and turn them into an object of addiction. December 11. Why do you protect and cherish the devil’s nest, in which your immortal soul, in the image and likeness of God, hovers, which, together with the flesh, he filled with all the stench of sin and all corruption? Why do you eat and drink a lot, and eat and drink sweet things? Sometimes, without a doubt, it is necessary to give the flesh food and drink that encourages and strengthens, but not always, not every day, but often it is necessary to fast. Have mercy on me, Lord, and teach me in every possible way Your commandments, so that I may please You completely and obtain a pure soul and flesh through Your grace. The faith of Christ has not yet penetrated my entire being, has not yet leavened the three sats of flour [Matthew 13:33], that is, the three powers of my soul: mind, heart and my free will, I still think evil, and feel evil and unclean, and do evil deeds. Woe to me, wretched one! Have mercy, O Lord, and transform me from sinner to righteous, from evil to saint, from evil to good, from proud to humble, from envious to benevolent, from prodigal to chaste, from cowardly to courageous, from weak to strong, from lazy to hardworking, from hard-hearted to merciful. Amen. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who sent me His mercy this morning, merciful and touching, and who gave me abundant tears of tenderness while reading the canon and akathists to the Savior and the Mother of God and the canon to the Guardian Angel. We cannot work for God and mammon [Matthew 6:24]. Yesterday, during the unction of a dying man, I thought that I was working for nothing, performing unction, reading, that it was not worth reading a lot (or sometimes you would wish for money), and it was as if the grace of peace and spiritual integrity had been cut from my heart with a knife - I was embarrassed, wounded, exhausted, and unable to speak. He repented - and everything went as usual again. Seek, it is said, first the Kingdom of God and righteousness and earthly blessings will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]. And indeed, beyond expectations, three rubles were given to the brethren. And it's always like that. December 11. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the terrible corruption that came from satiety, from prodigal sleepy dreams and from the bathhouse. The waves of the devil during Matins and Mass were terrible and destructive. When I saw small prosphyra that did not correspond to my desire and norm, then, wanting larger ones, I felt at the same time hostility towards the prosphyra maker Elisaveta Yaroslavtseva, envy at the thought that she wanted to get rich by making small prosphyras, and I was all confused, hurt, oppressed in my heart, lost, drowned, disappeared, and the Lord gave me over to temptation for my punishment and admonition, for so many years had passed in priesthood, and I continue to serve the idol - my belly, having turned away, alienated from God, for gluttony removes the soul from God, deprives Him of grace. Today the Gospel was read about those invited to the supper and about their refusals from the supper under various everyday pretexts [Luke 19:41–44]. I learned with horror that I too was among these denialists, for, like them, I bought the village, full of countless thorns of passions: voluptuousness, love of money, ambition, laziness, envy, pride, fornication, and for this reason I do not go to the supper, perishing in worldly pleasures. I bought five pairs of oxen, that is, I work diligently with all five carnal senses, I live a carnal, and not a spiritual, heavenly life; I eat my wife, that is, I please my wife, fulfilling her desires that are contrary to the will of God, for example, I often eat modest meals during Lent, although I do the same on my own. But I thought before, and others thought about me, that I firmly and irrevocably go to God’s supper, giving alms, often serving God’s services and speaking teachings to the people. And it turns out that I am deceiving myself and others. God! I must be an angel in the flesh, like Your priest, and have no earthly attachment to anything; I must be all above, heavenly, fiery, like Seraphim, standing at the throne of God, but I am often all earthly, passionate, bound by insoluble bonds of passions; Celebrating the heavenly Sacrament of the Body and Blood of Christ, I must be all heavenly, imbued with ardent love for God, the Mother of God, the Angels, the saints, humanity, redeemed by the Blood of the Lord, and meanwhile I am all earthly, low, darkened, shamed, confused for the sake of many sins. Celebrating the resurrection of Christ every week and having the urge to rise spiritually myself, to be renewed, I, the accursed one, do not care about my resurrection and renewal and remain the same old, multi-passionate one as I was twenty years ago, or even worse. Kill in me, Lord, carnal wisdom! O chilling wisdom of the flesh, boring me to death, passionate, destructive, dark, confused, dissolute, absurd! How long will you remain in me? How long will I not kill you? I thank You, Lord, for You saved me from the blade of sin by Your merciful grace. The greedy worm of pride often torments me, darkening me both from God and from love for my neighbor; now it torments me as ambition, now as vain, crushing, contemptuous anger, now as vanity, now as greed, now as lust and greed, now as fornication, now as laziness and relaxation, carelessness about the affairs of the rank, now as envy, now as hostility towards ill-wishers and offenders, now as fearful man-pleasing and humanism, servility and servility. Blessed is the Kingdom of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, the Kingdom of truth, holiness, wisdom, generosity, love for mankind, the eternal, imperishable, incorruptible Kingdom. May God reign in us, members of this Kingdom, and may we be free from all passions and from the violence of the devil! To carefully analyze the greed that happened today during the proskomedia at the sight of small prosphyras, which is why it greatly overpowered me. I hardly eat prosphora - I give it to others, but mostly to well-fed people - why give them large prosphora? Why please them? And most importantly, why be embarrassed and cowardly? There was no need to pay attention. Frequent gluttony, satiety, and breaking the fast brought me to this point. Man will not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God [Matthew 4:4]. I am an idolater: I rely on the belly, on food, I love the carnal life, temporary, disappearing, and temporary, coarse, carnal pleasures, like a pagan, like an Epicurean, like a cynic 90. May I be the fulfillment (fullness) of Him who fulfills all things in all [Eph.1:23]. We must pray and serve God in such a way that prayer is nourishing for the mind and heart every time. The sign of the cross on the forehead, belly and shoulders so that the Lord in the Trinity would be alpha and omega in thoughts, feelings, and in all our deeds. Divine service sobers souls intoxicated by the vanity of life, heals, consoles, cleanses, enlightens, sanctifies, strengthens, renews, and enlivens. Having an abyss of sins, how can I look at the sins of others and get angry at those who sin? Ridiculous. I will be angry with myself for not correcting it. December 12. Centenary of the birth of Emperor Alexander the First. There will be a service in the church of the training crew in place of the ill father Pavel Nikolaevich Lamanov. God! Give me a pure, peaceful, free, trustworthy, courageous, unblemished, unshakable, ardent heart towards You, my God, during the celebration of the Liturgy and then forever. Deliver me from the slander and intrigues of the enemy and from his flattery and torment. May the liturgy be a benign haven for me and for everyone. Most Holy Lady Theotokos, who bore in Her most pure hands the Unsleeping Eye and the All-obedient Hearing, favorable to all who call upon Him! Show me, O All-powerful, All-seeing and All-hearing in Your Son, Your good will and mercy and Your power: deliver me from the slander and temptation of the adversary, from guile, seduction, inappropriate thoughts and feelings, from confusion, the bondage of hostility, false shame, and give me purity and simplicity of heart, boldness, peace, freedom and all grace, O Thankful! Wake up! I saw in a dream a thin, dying, beaten bird with a large beak, which means it was a bird of prey - may this be a good sign, may the devil be like this bird in Thy power and Thy mercy towards me, unworthy. Out of compassion, I felt sorry for this bird and wanted it to get better. But let the birds get better, and let the devil with his wiles and abominations never get better, let him perish forever. Wake up! And let us crucify our flesh, in which he lives, like in a nest. You, Lady, trampled the hellish serpent with Your most pure feet - trample it with me, Your humble and indecent servant, forever, forever. Pray to Thy Son and our God to give me power to tread on the serpent and the scorpion and all the power of the enemy, so that nothing will harm me and Thy people [Luke 10:19]. Sweets, money, honors, distinctions, beauty are the thorns of our hearts, which must be despised and discarded, and not seduced by them. December 12. After mass, which I celebrated in the Church of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker in a training carriage. I saw, my Lord, I saw Your salvation many times in my soul, when she was being put to death, poor thing, by the machinations of invisible enemies - at the very beginning of mass during the proskomedia, there was melancholy and aching, confusion and crampedness in my heart, but when I prayed to the Lord in repentance, I was soon freed from them, having received peace and freedom from the Lord. However, then the enemy caught me again, especially before the prayer for the granting of help to the fatherland, the sovereign and the soldiers in the fight against the Turks; Here, during prayer, I quite missed the end of the words from the fear of demons. At the great entrance, from the same fear of demons, he did not pronounce the name of the heir and the heir and their son. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit. I stole my leave. I thank the Lord for reviving the Holy Mysteries of my soul and body with heavenly fire; At the thanksgiving service, I read the Gospel without words because I had not found myself returning to give glory to God, only this foreigner [Luke 17:18]... When reading the prayer of thanksgiving, he did not say the words: always bring thanksgiving and offer blessings, but he read the prayer loudly and expressively... I was ashamed of the girls standing close, these pure, beautiful, gentle creatures. What a sickness of character! God, deliver, cleanse and have mercy on me. O priest! Stand constantly at the height of the Gospel idea of ​​the priesthood, at the height of your calling, remember that you are appointed to shepherd the souls of men, redeemed by the blood of the Lord of heaven and earth, and not to please yourself [cf. Rom.15:1], that is, do not please the stomach, do not collect money, and do not collect honors. Preach the word, insist in season and out of season, reprove, rebuke, exhort [2.4:2]. Until now, I have experienced countless times that the enjoyment of food and drink does not lead to anything good, on the contrary, to the worse: to relaxation of the soul, to the strengthening of the enemy’s machinations over me, to moral poverty and emptiness, to the deprivation of God’s grace, which must be acquired again through many tears and sighs from the depths of the soul. The Holy Apostle says: it is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. So what follows? The fact that we must constantly fast, crucify the flesh with passions and lusts. Greed for money does not lead to anything good; on the contrary, it leads to the worse: to a falling away from God, from love for one’s neighbors; and greed for honors also leads to falling away from God. What is depicted in church canons performed at all-night vigils or matins? The canons of the Sunday Octoechos depict the miracle of the glorious resurrection of Christ and its saving fruits for believers; the Mother of God is also glorified and Her intercession is asked, and on weekdays, depending on the day of the week, verses of repentance, praise to the Angels or the Forerunner, the Mother of God, the Cross, the holy apostles, St. Nicholas, all the saints and short prayers to them; in the canons of the holy menain - their moral character, their exploits, struggles, sufferings, virtues. December 13th. I thank the Lord, who delivered me today during Matins from the deceit of demons and the torment of passions and who gave me spiritual pleasure in reading the canons of the holy martyrs Eustratius, Auxentius, Eugenius, Mardaria and Orestes and in the singing of stichera on praises. Grant me, Lord, the grace and strength and skill to protect my heart from all sides, like an indestructible stronghold, so that it is inaccessible to ethereal and carnal enemies from any side. Be thou, O Lord, my pillar and fortress from the face of the enemy. On December 12, he served with his father, Deacon Peter Sofronov, in the church of the training crew at a meeting of pupils and pupils of male and female gymnasiums; The enemy inflicted a lot of languor, sorrow, and shame on me, torturing me, I cried from the consciousness of my sinfulness and my repentance and my weakness, and the Lord helped me many times. He served with humility and sincerity to the best of his ability. I thank the Lord. The deacon served very well. Sexton too. You have hitherto sought what is more temporary and were mistaken in doing so; now seek what is more eternal and you will be on the true path. Grant, Lord! Sin covers itself with charm, not allowing itself to be seen in a disgusting and harmful form. Listen, observe, expose it. I thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy towards me, that He heard me in sorrow and cramped conditions and in the fear of the devil and delivered me from all trouble and adversity and brought me into space not once, but many times, before the memorial service and during the memorial service in Neelov’s apartment, and, moreover, before every litany and dismissal, and especially on the way to the English pastor, when I, again appearing hard-hearted and obstinate towards the poor, I was again punished with sorrow and hardship, from which the Lord again, hearing, saved me through my fervent, persistent prayer of repentance. The mercy of God was accomplished over me with my own eyes: I saw inwardly, I clearly felt the coming of the Lord and deliverance from my misfortunes by the life-giving right hand. And he came to the pastor, consoled by the mercy of the King of kings. The devil presses me to the extreme everywhere, punctuates me everywhere, everywhere violence, everywhere stings, everywhere blades, everywhere gorges, everywhere sorrows, everywhere absurdities, instills his abominations in me. The annual cycle of worship depicts the whole history, the whole past fate, the whole life of our Holy Orthodox Church, all its teachings and morals, all the dogmas, all the exploits, struggles, sufferings of both the Lord Jesus Christ and the Mother of God Himself, and all the saints: apostles, prophets, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, unmercenaries and the righteous; through her divine services she teaches all Christians prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God, she herself prays for everyone, consoles, disposes to repentance of sins, to tenderness, correction, to a virtuous life, demands the fruits of repentance, reminds of death, of the Last Judgment, depicts the terrible judgment of the Lord over the whole world, represents our terrible sinful corruption, from which it is impossible to get rid of without the Savior, without the healing of faith, without the Sacraments Repentance, Communion, without fasting, without tears, without feats of mortification, without alms. Divine services teach, console, nourish, heal, and strengthen the souls of Christians. It elevates and delights the spirit of a Christian beyond measure. This is a heavenly treasure on earth, given to us by our merciful Lord and Redeemer. This is a treasury of all blessings, all the gifts of the Holy Spirit, a treasury of all strength for life and piety [2.1: 3], all virtues in persons, in examples worthy of imitation. Through your cowardice, lack of faith, confusion, hesitation during public worship in church or in homes, the enemy of the human race seeks to inflict reproach not only on you, but on everyone, to desecrate the faith of Christ, its saving and comforting truths for mankind, to shake faith and hope in people, to dry up the love in the hearts that is implanted, strengthened, and inflamed by worship. The evil enemy is looking far away - but may he not succeed in any of his machinations over us by the grace of Christ God, may all his deceits be destroyed and may they disappear like smoke. December 14. Wednesday. I suffered many bitter sorrows and misfortunes today from my sins and invisible enemies. First, early in the morning, for avoiding, turning aside from a beggar who was chasing me in the dark, then during Matins for being angry with sexton Zrelov, which stemmed from the fact that he allegedly did not fulfill my order to tell the guards about early mass; thirdly, during the liturgy, he was repeatedly subjected to violence and intrigues of invisible enemies for his satiety and drunkenness. (I drank two glasses of Marsala and almost a glass of Rhein wine from an English pastor.) I was so weak and wounded, so damned, that I shed a lot of tears, and now the mercy of God overcame my sins, Divine grace overcame sin, and Divine life overcame the death that was in me. Having received the Holy Mysteries, I became quite animated. God bless! I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to utter all the exclamations and dismissal at the evening funeral service at Neelov’s (his father-in-law John Lvovich died); I was completely imbued with prayer and tenderness, with tears and the importance of the words spoken, and the Lord had mercy on me: I was not afraid or ashamed of the noble people standing here, as before. For first the fear of the enemy will find, weaken my heart, darken me, and steal my words. Today I don’t eat anything until lunch (December 15), because I ate quite a bit last night. I believe in one Holy Church 92. You are a member of this one Divine holy family (Angels and all saints). Always remember this and behave with dignity. 15. I will continue to exalt the Lord for His glorious salvation of my unworthiness from the snares of the enemy during Matins and the Liturgy and for His revival by the Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord for deliverance from hellish oppression and sorrow after I stole, out of fear, the words of exclamation and dismissal at lithiums according to Ioann Lvovich Ignatiev, Neelov’s father-in-law. 16. After early mass from the elder Nikitin. I thank, glorify and extol the Lord, who performed with me the wondrous miracle of reviving me with the Holy Mysteries, who reconciled me, who spread me joy, who made me happy. Glory to Thee, Lord, my life from the dead, glory to Thee, endless mercy! The Lord delivered me from the great oppression of the enemy, but for a long time the enemy oppressed me stubbornly; The Lord prevailed over his dreamy fortress. May the enemy be put to shame forever by the power and wisdom and goodness of the Lord. Amen. Six o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard me in repentance and delivered my sinful soul from great sorrow and oppression when I went to the gymnasium and became angry with the beggars who were chasing me and asking for alms; I shouted at them with anger and said: you are so brave that you bother me everywhere. After these words, grief and distress overwhelmed me. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me during Vespers, when, according to the teachings of the slanderer the devil, I felt hostility and contempt in my heart for Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky, who was serving burly and importantly (I thought: he always serves hypocritically or, rather, carelessly). But I came to my senses, imagining that this was slander and the malice of the enemy, and began to repent of such an opinion about the abbot and prayed: Lord, have mercy on me with his holy prayers - and after that I became calm. And in fact, the Holy Spirit speaks through the mouth of the priest. December 17. Last night I behaved unworthily, damned one: having gone to see my brother Father Pyotr Klepachevsky, I drank wine from him that was more appropriate (port wine cost one ruble and fifty kopecks, very alcoholic) and therefore felt quite intoxicated. Earlier this year, Mr. Gerard (Dr. Schwonk’s son-in-law) drank three glasses of champagne on the occasion of the birth of his son. I sinned in heaven both before myself and before people: I offended the wonderful Divine grace that lives in me by drunkenness of passions. I thank the Lord for His great mercy, which I received while reading the prayer to Gerard’s mother in labor and singing the thanksgiving prayer, as well as for the very reading and singing and speaking of the litanies and dismissal. I was in spiritual strength, in the power of God. The tightness was due to the fact that, firstly, I did not give the beggars what they required, giving less, and, secondly, having given a ruble for the tree in trusteeship, I regretted it, and this pity greatly hurt my soul. This exposes my reliance on soulless metal, my addiction to money and lack of trust in the living God, not complete trust in Him, and lack of love for my neighbor. I realized this, repented and received mercy and peace from the Lord, strength, boldness, space. He performed the prayer and moleben, especially the thanksgiving moleben, with dignity in front of the Germans - glory to the Lord! (Watch out for Vin Ivan Sidorov.) Lady Theotokos! The All-Seeing Eye eternally abides in You and with You, never dozing. You see all of us and everything in us - you hear all thoughts, intentions, feelings, words, you see all deeds, all troubles, sorrows, misfortunes, temptations, illnesses. Help us in everything, turn us away from all evil, guide us on every good path. Amen. You are our Queen and Lady, You are the Head of mental creation 93, You are our Mother by grace. Visit us with Your mercy, as You usually do, save and cover us from troubles and passions and evil demons. Amen. December 17, 1877. Saturday. How will I meet the Lord at His second terrible coming, how will I meet His Most Pure Mother, the Heavenly Powers, the faces of the forefathers, prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, righteous people and all the saints, living and living here in worldly addictions and passions, desecrating soul and body, mind and heart? Lord, let me sincerely repent before You and please You before you take me away from here. Grant, Lord, that I may not use Your long-suffering towards me for evil. In the divine services of our Orthodox Church, singing and reading are antiphonal, alternately from the Old and New Testaments: the ancient prophets who prophesied about God the Savior seem to stand together in our churches and correspond to each other, some prophesying, others pointing to the fulfillment of prophecies, or generally chanting alternately. So it was with the Savior at the Last Supper: having sung, it is said, that is, in response to the Old Testament prophecies and psalms, she went up to the Mount of Olives [Mark 14:26]. Let the Lord sing and sing in your hearts, says the Apostle, instructing Christians to serve God [Eph.5:19]. After the all-night vigil on Saturday, December 17th. I thank the Lord for delivering me from confusion before the all-night service about the new orders, or disorders, introduced by the archpriest in the line of clergy - only priests in the cathedral and in the Duma. The pretext is empty - magpies (they are very rare). The archpriest has another intention - to burden me. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the prayer of repentance and gave me tears of tenderness and sincere, peaceful service. Why do I worry and die for the Lord, falling away from Him because of temporary blessings? May nothing separate me from the Lord, may I always be with Him, may nothing separate me from Him, and may I always be content, calm and blissful. Amen. (But because of the archpriest’s insignificant change in the line, I was indignant, indignant with him, because of my reluctance to submit to him and because of profit.) The milk I drank yesterday at night has been whipping me into lustful defilement, and the same thing happened last night. I sinned before the Lord and before people and before myself. Oh, after all, the church of the Lord is my body, the church of the Lord, the church of the Lord - it must be holy. I realize and feel that the very sorrows, cramps and various temptations, the machinations of the enemy lead me to renewal, purification, and peace. Glory to God for everything: for consolation and for sorrow, for abandonment and for help; if he leaves him without help for a while, apparently, then he leaves him for the benefit, and let him teach caution, humility, abstinence, chastity, holiness, and let people say what they want. The sin of youth extremely humiliated me, put me to shame and still bites me hard, although I haven’t done it for twenty-six years. But let me not lose heart, for my Savior and the whole human race has saved and is saving me, for with Him there is purification [Ps. 129:3]. The lamp of a lamp or candle is quickly lit if it has just gone out before, and if it has remained unlit for quite a long time and especially in a cold place, it does not suddenly light up, but takes time until the lamp flares up and takes on warmth and heat. Likewise, a samovar does not suddenly boil, just like a cauldron and a pot, and the metals in crucibles require a lot of heat and time to melt. This often happens with human souls: they do not suddenly abandon sinful coldness and iciness, but gradually, sometimes with a long struggle with the natural coldness of sin. Other souls soon light up with the fire of grace. In order to understand and feel the blessings of God to people, revealed through saving events - the Nativity of Christ, Baptism, Transfiguration, Resurrection of Christ, the descent of the Holy Spirit on the apostles and all believers and through other events celebrated in the Orthodox Church, for this you must have subtlety, purity and depth of feeling, clarity and purity of mind, so that heavenly, holy grace can come and dwell in the soul and make her glad, for the wicked cannot rejoice, says the Lord [Isa.48:22]. For this purpose, the Church established fasts, purifications, repentance, and communion of the Holy Mysteries. A great thing is prayer with fasting, repentance and almsgiving. Destroy in yourself, in your flesh, in your heart, the kingdom of sin and passions, the kingdom of the devil, so that the kingdom of grace, the kingdom of holiness and truth, the kingdom of eternal life, the kingdom of joy in the Holy Spirit, may come and establish itself in you. The saints worked on this all their lives and were not ashamed, they achieved the goal of their labors and rejoice forever. The enemy torments me with opposition to the archpriest, who made a new order about the order of priestly services in the Assumption Church in the Duma; This resistance is combined, as usual, with anger towards the abbot, but this is vain anger and resistance, for this change serves to relieve everyone. Yes, even if it were somewhat heavy, then it would be a sin to become embittered. We must do everything with meekness and love and not resist if we were scolded, beaten, oppressed, or aggravated. I don’t listen to you, devil, who teaches you to forcibly and painfully resist the superior at his disposal. I myself feel better because of this order. And you, the enemy of the devil, only want to fulfill your absurd and all-destructive will in me and kill me. Be gone, you damned one! Glory to You, Lord, who has enlightened me! Grant me to love the abbot without hypocrisy and obey him. You make him wise in everything and instruct him, so that something absurd does not happen to us. Glory to Thee, Lord, who has pacified my soul. Glory to You, the quiet refuge of my soul. December 19. Morning. Four o'clock. I again extol the name of my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, for His wonderful salvation from the storm that befell me just before mass, which was driven upon me by my comrade and co-celebrant (co-throne), Father Peter Klepachevsky, who was furious with me (otherwise I cannot express his desperately angry growl at me) because I sent for him, as if he were free, to baptize a dangerous baby, for I was busy praying to the mother in labor. Although I gave him an impressive rebuff, I myself was indignant and oppressed, but it was necessary to celebrate the liturgy in peace, silence, meekness, love, in holiness and truth. I ran with faith to the Lord in repentance, with prayer for myself and for my brother, and although the enemy-schemer, who incited my brother against me, grew stronger in me, God’s mercy and God’s power overcame my sins and the malice of the enemy, and although I served in some fear from the enemy, I generally served peacefully, without anger, with an ardent spirit. He spoke his sermon. At the great entrance, I could not pronounce the names of the royal family. First of all, remember, Lord, not everything was out of fear of the enemy. Away with carnal sweetness: there is no one sweeter to me than my God; away from the charming female beauty - there is no one for [me] more beautiful than the Lord my God, the incorruptible, indescribable, most holy beauty. (About temptation in a dream. By morning I lay down to sleep in a cassock under a warm blanket, which is extremely dangerous for chastity.) He alone truly loves me with holy, eternal love. Yesterday I served Vespers and skipped all the litanies due to drunkenness and fear that I might stumble over them and play the silent part. To avoid temptation, I missed it and sinned. How necessary for a priest is abstinence, sobriety, and vigilance! For the enemy does not sleep and does not drink wine or eat anything, he is always alert, an evil cunning one! Have mercy on me, Lord! Remember that you, man, are in the image of God, that you are the church of the living God, His church, His member, His son or daughter, the sheep of His pasture, His flesh and bone, His birth - His, the Vine of truth, Jesus Christ, His image and likeness. December 19. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me through communion of the Holy Mysteries yesterday, on Sunday and today. I withstood a strong storm of enemy temptations beforehand. Today, at the beginning of mass while celebrating the proskomedia and then I was subjected to a strong temptation, namely: pity and extreme relaxation of the heart over the small prosphyras of Elizabeth Al. Yaroslavtseva. But the Lord (only He) saved me from the flood of deadly sin. He served mass by the grace of God cheerfully, strongly, loudly. Received life-giving communion. I praise the Lord. I thank the Lord for His greatest mercy, shown to me in the evening in the forgiveness of grave sins, when, on my way to Olga’s apartment [...], I met a beggar who was annoyingly asking for alms, and, angry with him, pulled him out by the hair and was wounded myself, dying in soul. But for deep repentance and faith with hope, the Lord had mercy on me and gave me peace. I repented as I walked along the road, I repented strongly, with tears. December 20. The Lord performed the greatest miracle of mercy, a miracle of God’s power with me yesterday during the liturgy, resurrecting my soul from the death of sin and my very body from the defeat of a mortal for sincere repentance; I especially felt this resurrection after communion of the most pure, heavenly and life-giving Mysteries. Oh, how good it was for me after receiving communion yesterday and the third day! O sweetest Jesus, my God, glory to Thee! Glory to Thee, my justification, deliverance, cleansing, sanctification, my life, my strength, my strength and my singing! I thank the Lord for saving me from sinful cramped conditions in Yanuarsky’s apartment before the memorial service for the successful service of the memorial service (crowdedness due to the meeting with Father Pyotr Klepachevsky, who was unjustly hostile to me). Humble and reconcile him to me, Lord! Let us not be a joy to our ethereal enemies. 21. I thank the Lord for your boldness in serving the daytime services and memorial services at Yanuarskaya. We must sing dirges more sensitively and without skipping, then grace will take its power over our hearts and our enemies will run away from us. Glory to the Lord, who builds everything wisely and righteously in us, subject to the yoke of sin. Glory to our Savior! Yesterday I visited Alexander Vasilyevich Murashov. This is the Kronstadt patriarch with twenty-five grandchildren. His words: we have no direction in our society, and there is no one to direct us to the true path - everyone is busy with everyday affairs, each in his own way. We need to give religious direction. Yes! Remember the closeness of the Mother of God to all true Christians, Her purest, deepest, motherly sympathy for us, Her immeasurable goodness, Her strength. She can do anything, overcome every evil in us, deliver us from every misfortune. She is our Lady, and we are members of the Body of Christ, therefore we must live in holiness, righteousness and truth. 21. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who with His omnipotent power plucked me from the jaws of the hellish dragon, who wanted to devour me at the beginning of Matins, who unleashed his fear and despair on me, so that I did not dare to raise my eyes to the people and speak litanies and exclamations of dismissal at the Midnight Office. This came from yesterday's feast at Alexander Vasilyevich Murashov's (he drank three glasses of beer, two mead and three glasses of vodka with an appetizer prepared to his taste, the elder - caviar with onions, Provençal oil and vinegar). When I ran to the Lord in repentance in [the helplessness 94] of my soul, swallowed up by a mental whale, the Lord soon revealed His power, and, starting with the canon, I already with boldness and strength, without stumbling, performed all the service by the grace and mercy of the Master. After mass. I thank the Lord for the multiple, wonderfully great powers of salvation that were revealed in me today during the liturgy and after communion of the life-giving Mysteries, which miraculously revived me and destroyed the machinations of demons in me that were operating after communion itself. The Lord appeared in me through my faith as a great conqueror. I thank the Lord, who wounded and defeated the spirits of evil in God’s servant Ulyana through the laying on of my hand and the prayerful wish for her health. How many victories, how much strength the Lord has created and is creating in me every day! I praise the goodness and power of God! I thank the Lord, who took away the confusion and feeling of hostility from my soul when I met the unjustly angry priest Peter, a young comrade, unfriendly, envious, proud beyond measure. May the Lord humble him soon. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly taken away the homesickness from my soul at the sight of Anna Konstantinovna. I sing of Your saving powers, Lord! I rejoice in Your closeness to me, Your good obedience and prompt obedience. Lord of strength! Create great glory for Your name in the Orthodox army fighting the enemies of Your faith, the Hagarians, and grant the Christian army complete, perfect victory over them. Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the miracle of His mercy in me, performed in the apartment of Lieutenant Alexei Al. Birilev, where I was invited to give prayer to the mother in labor and the baby, and when I was in cramped conditions, confusion and spiritual death from the unwelcomeness of Priest Peter who met me. When, in sincere repentance, I raised the eyes of my heart to the Lord who saves, I soon received complete deliverance, space and ease. I promised never to be angry with Father Klepachevsky, even if he was angry with me. During Vespers, with indignation and hostility, I impatiently pushed away with the hand of a soldier-sailor the singer and reader in our choir, and for this a heart ulcer, tightness and sorrow befell me. Having repented of my anger and impatience, I received forgiveness, peace and freedom from the Lord. I thank the Lord. Science is ahead of me. 22. A good sign: I saw in a dream that we had become closer, having mutually reconciled, Father Klepachevsky and I. I thank the Lord for granting my heart’s desire and prayer for peace. Alexey Al. Birilev, a lieutenant, said that half of the young generation of priests are nihilists. He speaks from experience a lot. Woe if this is true. But I think that he exaggerated - God forbid that it was not true. After Matins. The Lord deservedly punished me by leaving me for a short time during the service of Matins, while pronouncing the litany of petition; I could not pronounce petitions, because there was a sin in my heart: the thought of not giving the sexton thirty kopecks (out of sixty kopecks), as if he had not been at the service of Lieutenant Birilev and as he received an excess from me with small incomes from mothers in labor (I gave him all or half). The Lord also forsook me for being full in the evening: at Zlobin’s the officer had anchovies with black bread, and then two hours later I ate red caviar with sweet and sour bread, and now there was a rush in my sides, crampedness. He gave all sixty kopecks to the sexton. December 23. What a delight I am in: I feast on, I am satiated with good people [who make me happy], and I only praise what is offered! Thank You, generous and generously gifted Lord! But I am guilty, sinful and very sinful before You, pleasing the belly on such days when I must strictly fast! Have mercy on me, O You who are abundantly merciful, and do not lead me into harm for the sake of my gluttony. Grant me the grace not to eat today and tomorrow - only bread and water in small measure. Yesterday's caviar and herring gave me a strong lustful mood at night! I am damned before the Lord and before my conscience and before people for intemperance! And yesterday’s pike perch with sauce! How much I ate it with greed! Sinful and irresponsible! In what song is the Mother of God and the sacrament of incarnation that happened through Her daily glorified? In the song Worthy there is also the Most Honest Cherub. And the incarnation of the Son of God is the greatest sacrament that amazes even the minds of angels? - In the song The Only Begotten Son. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to partake of His most pure Mysteries yesterday. But the extensively nourished flesh drowned and immersed my mind, my feelings, and my words! Carnal love is passionate, narrow, selfish, unclean, hypocritical, exclusive (excluding all other people), fickle, devilish, and does not bear the fruit of good deeds. Spiritual love is all-encompassing, pure, constant, strong, and prolific. The priest stands like Moses on Sinai, and the people stand like at the foot of a mountain near Soleia. The priest, like Moses, talks face to face with God, begs Him, praises and thanks Him (bowed prayers). Dismissals with the Mother of God and the saints are used on the basis of the concept of the Church as a body (with many mutually helping members). Against the Lutherans. A crafty encroachment in thought and gaze on the purity and chastity of girls and wives; internal ill will and malice towards some people; envy, greed, stinginess, despondency, cowardice, love of money, ambition, gluttony, satiety. I am permeated with sins of all kinds. After Matins pre-celebration of the Nativity of Christ. I thank the Lord, who has granted me the greatest spiritual pleasure in reading and singing canons and stichera on praises and poems, a pleasure that I have not felt for a long time. My soul went forth entirely into the word [Song.5:6], into the worship of the Church. Go to Walter Romanovich, thank him for his mercy to the poor (twenty-five rubles). 24. During prayer and worship in general, the conviction: God, the Mother of God, Angels and saints see, hear us, they are obedient and quick to obey, more kind and helpful than any living person. Therefore, always pray earnestly, without laziness, with living faith, with living hope, with heartfelt love, a pure heart. Go to Marya Arsenyevna, give her the money! Register of special places for the holiday of the Nativity of Christ. 24. I thank the Lord for our reconciliation: Father Peter Klepachevsky, my colleague, and mine; What I prayed for, God gave me, what I saw in a dream about reconciliation, was fulfilled today at Vespers. I thank the Lord for his help during Matins and Mass. It was extremely difficult for me to serve Matins and Mass because my stomach was blocked: it was very difficult to speak, my nerves were extremely tense. About twenty people received communion in a kind, life-giving way. I thank the Lord for His glorious salvation, revealed to me, a repentant sinner, when I was walking from a memorial service for Andrei Kirillovich (his wife Anna died) and became angry with the beggars who were guarding me. Angry, I died by sin myself! Sorrow, oppression, death reigned within me. I sincerely, whole-heartedly, in self-condemnation, turned to the God of hearts - and the All-Good One, the One who gives life to the dead, revived me and reconciled me. I have upset the All-Good with malice, the All-generous with stinginess. How good, easy, free, joyful it became for me when the Lord showed me His salvation! I will forever praise His mercy towards me, unworthy! I thank the Lord for the speedy and glorious salvation, firstly, on the way to Konstantin Ivanovich Morgasov, captain. navigator., to serve the all-night vigil on the Nativity of Christ, secondly, in his apartment itself before the beginning of the all-night vigil, when I, pressed by invisible enemies, prayed to the Lord in repentance. On both occasions, I felt a life-giving power, which delivered me from the powerlessness of my heart, sorrow and oppression and gave me peace, deliverance, strength, and boldness. At Morgasov, one captain-lieutenant told me the sad truth about me that the people are tempted when I do not pronounce the names of the royal family at the great entrance. Many people think, he says, that I do not respect the royal family. God save us! From now on, I try to pronounce all the names of the royal family. December 25th. I thank the Lord, who performed the glorious miracle of salvation in me on this day during Matins and the early liturgy (from Burachka). On the first day of the holiday, I, walking with the cross of the Lord along with my brethren, ate and drank wine in many places, especially at the merchant Alexander V. Murashov, very cordial and hospitable, and was drunk. In the morning I felt within myself the corruption of sin, the impoverishment of grace, the weakness of spirit and body. But when at Matins I sincerely prayed and read with tenderness the canons for the holiday and the saint, I felt revived. And during the Liturgy, the Lord granted me a great victory over sin and death and over the incorporeal enemy, who strongly tempted me and burned me; Communion of the Holy Mysteries wonderfully revived me. He served Mass magnificently, loudly, with feeling, victoriously by the grace of God. I thank Burachok for such great pleasure. 27. I thank the Lord, who healed me from all infirmities (indigestion and vomiting caused by fatty meat foods and overeating). I became extremely weak. I prayed in the morning, sitting in a chair. But I went to Matins, read the canons, and the Lord again revived, comforted, and healed me with His grace. All day I walked around the parish like a fine fellow with a cross. Glory to the grace of God, merciful, healing, saving, confirming me, renewing me. 28. May our income be sanctified by alms from them to the poor, for I walk with a cross every day, collecting for the poor, without telling all the brethren about this, however, for they will not agree to the omission of supposedly their income, although I pick up the ears of corn [cf. Lev.19:9-10 ] or not in my parish I collect money, delivering to the brethren their full income - the city is large and you can collect a lot with the cross. The Lord is so good and most good that if He finds a soul that is comfortable receiving His grace for the grace or gifts of the Holy Spirit, He pours them out upon it in abundance; take as an example the Most Holy Virgin Mary, the holy apostles, martyrs, saints, and especially St. Nicholas the Wonderworker and other saints. We are constantly in delusion, leaving ourselves no room for the truth (to walk in the truth): sometimes we are seduced by ourselves, by our mental or external virtues (sometimes by unworthiness), sometimes we are seduced by gluttony and lust, sometimes by surrounding persons and objects, sometimes we are outraged by passions - malice, anger, envy, stinginess, love of money, fear and fear, or we become discouraged and murmur. Where is the only thing needed? Soul salvation? Where is peace in God? Where are the works of virtue? Where is the teaching in the word of God? – In pursuit of money, for distinctions, for performances and various amusements, for the fair half of humanity, for awards, for the pleasures of the womb, for tobacco smoke, for modern events that absorb all the attention of many? I thank the Lord, who created in me the wondrous powers of His salvation on December 28, during the funeral services in the apartment of Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin and in the cathedral over his deceased brother Alexander, and at other times of the day. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great salvation during the funeral liturgy, in delivering me from sorrow and distress and in giving me tenderness and peace. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer delivered me from hostility towards Father Superior and who through my prayer gave me unfeigned love for him and for others. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to judge myself sincerely and saved me from the tendency to condemn others. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. The ideal and goal of Christianity must always be kept in mind by the priest and strive to achieve them. Otherwise, we will forever be in stagnation, we will be unrepentant sinners, pagans in Christianity. Compare your life and the lives of people with the ideal and goal of Christianity and you will see how far they are from their ideal and their goal. Convict yourself and society. Lead everyone persistently to Christ and to His Kingdom. December 30th. Friday. I thank the Lord for the two-fold obvious salvation that was revealed to me in church through my prayer of repentance, firstly, in some secret ill will towards my brother, Father Peter Klepachevsky, who served on that day, and, secondly, in frivolous laughter at Deacon Poletaev’s proclamation of many years on the occasion of the victory at Shipka Balkanskaya. I thought he would bark at the top of his lungs, and I laughed, not out loud, of course. The Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy and instead of cramped space gave me space, instead of confusion peace, instead of death life, instead of cowardice - boldness. I praise the grace of the Lord, quick obedience, kindness, goodness. The holy apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, righteous people and all the holy inhabitants of the mountainous Zion, pray to the Lord for us unceasingly. It is worthy and righteous for us to create a glorious memory of them on earth, to imitate them in strength and to strive there - to the heavenly abodes. December 31st. 31. Today I was subjected to a strong, painful and prolonged agony of greed, suspecting Father Alexander Taratin’s comrade of hiding famous incomes with the sexton Zrelov. I fell away from God through worrying about money and joined forces with an incorporeal enemy! Alas for me! I prayed and repented for a long time, walking down the street; I recognized the machinations of the enemy over myself and put aside worry about vanity, thanking the Lord for constant non-abandonment and contentment. May Christ reign in me unceasingly, the all-sufficient and all-perfect good of me and all creatures, or the source of all good, may His truth, peace, love, joy reign in the Holy Spirit. The agony came most from yesterday's gluttony, drinking wine and beer, and from overeating. May the Lord Himself convict those who unrighteously encroach on fraternal goods - the goods of priests, deacons and sextons and the poor. For it is said: let us remember exactly 95 poor [Gal.2:10]. To encourage - to make variegated, to give variegation to something; in a figurative sense - to make it brighter, more diverse in content. Third Antiphon for Sunday Matins, Tone 4. Vitati (Church Glav.) – to take cover. Epicurean is a follower and supporter of Epicureanism - the doctrine according to which the basis of human happiness is the satisfaction of life's needs. Cynics - ancient Greek philosophical school (IV century BC). Cynics had a negative attitude towards existing laws, customs, and religious beliefs and preached disdain for human culture and a return to the primitive state. Some of them carried their contempt for the rules of cultural life to open violations of decency. Correct (Church Glav.) – establish yourself, settle down. Ninth member of the Creed. Bezochstvo (Church Slavic) – persistent request, without shame (with eyes closed); impudence, bothersomeness. Tochiyu (Church Glav.) – only.