Август 1877 года

August 1st. Morning. Five o'clock. Here's a herring with soft black bread for the night, here's plenty of sweet tea with cream! And he tossed and turned all night from side to side from the burden and cramped space! And it turns out again that there is no need to eat or drink sweets at night! Morning. Eight and a half hours. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great mercy and power during Matins, when invisible enemies raped and embarrassed, oppressed and shamed me, and made me dumb. I fell to the throne of His majesty, plunging myself into the abyss of His mercy, and He saved me from my enemies, giving me peace, freedom, boldness, the dew of the Spirit, and I performed the entire Matins from the Six Psalms to the end without stumbling, with boldness. The Lord also showed me His great mercy in delivering me from new sorrows and hardships that befell me righteously for my anger and for the obscene words I spoke to Paraskovya Ivanovna Kovrigina because she glorified me in Peterhof at the court. I repented with all my soul of my sin, plunged into the abyss of the Lord’s calmness, into the abyss of His mercy and generosity, into the abyss of His Theanthropic merits before the infinite, indefatigable 21 truth of God and again received great mercy, suddenly freed from all troubles of soul and body, tasted peace, received space, freedom. This was before the prayer service of the merchant N.A. Turkin in the Gostiny Dvor shop. The cross on the throne was forgotten, I myself went to the altar for the cross, upstairs, to the choir, and there I fell to the throne of mercy with a prayer of faith, hope, repentance - and was saved. Glory to the Lord! After mass and procession. I thank the Lord, who kidnapped me from the jaws of a stranger through my prayer during mass before reading the prayer for the granting of victory (at the special litany) and after the blessing of the waters and the arrival of the procession and people at the cathedral (during the blessing of the waters I looked slyly at the Father Superior and Father Alexander, despising their noses and nostrils, they were not well constructed - oh, madness! Oh, depravity of the heart!). For this, grace retreated from me, and I felt cramped and ashamed of myself: I could not look people straight in the eyes. Having prayed at the altar and venerated the holy throne with faith in the Lord, trusting in His mercy, generosity, merit, quietness and meekness, and His gentleness, I was healed and became peaceful. God bless! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the stream of lawlessness during the liturgy, when the enemy stung my heart with the sting of sweets and weakened it extremely: I cried out strongly to the Lord, and He saved me. I thank the Lord, who saved me through secret prayer from the sting of adultery in the apartment of my friend and his wife on the evening of August 1st. Sitting, I lifted up the eyes of my heart to the Lord in repentance and prayer - and was immediately delivered from the captivity of sin. I thank the Lord, who created me in His image and likeness and who has given me the gift of holiness and truth and the grace to talk with Him, to thank Him and glorify Him, to offer prayers, sacrifices, thanksgivings, praises for everyone and for everything. Great and indescribable is this gift. August 2. I thank the Lord, who showed me victorious over invisible and combative enemies during the morning service and liturgy; by the grace of God I served sincerely, majestically, solemnly, loudly, without stumbling, victoriously. Grant it in the future, Lord! (And yesterday I was visiting a comrade, the official Taratin, drank excellent beer and sherry wine and tea. I sinned through immoderation. It paralyzed my insides. Glory to the Lord, who accepted my repentance and gave zeal for repentance, tears of tenderness. The Lord is truly my life in my death, I often receive life from the dead, I die with my sins, and through Him I come to life.) Why are you tormenting me, Belial 22, with the desire for honor, earthly rewards, the Order of St. Anne of the third degree? - The Lord honored me immensely long ago, creating me in His image and likeness and, having fallen, giving birth 23 in the bath of rebirth, that is, in Baptism, after which I was adopted by Him and became His heir; then in Holy Confirmation, giving me the priceless pledge of the Holy Spirit, the betrothal of a future inheritance; then in Communion, deifying me by communion with Himself in His Flesh and Blood; then in the mystery of the Priesthood, granting me the power to perform the most heavenly Mysteries, to partake of them often and be renewed and sanctified by them and become heavenly, granting me to perform other Mysteries. The Lord has honored me with the rank of angel, that is, the priesthood, giving me the grace to stand before His throne, to glorify and glorify Him, to proclaim His holy will to His people, to lead them to eternal life. Why are you, Belial, tormenting me with the desire for vain glory that disappears like smoke, false glory and honor, which is often given not according to merit, but through seeking? Why do you inspire me, through the desire for vain glory, to despise the true, imperishable, eternal glory for which I was redeemed, born, sealed, 24 and before eternal bliss, I am deified and blessed here? Why do you reflect my heart from God and from Divine love, from His life, His peace, His holiness and truth, from love for one’s neighbor, from care for one’s soul and for the souls of neighbors, created in the image and likeness of God and redeemed by the Divine Blood? Why are you, Belial, perverting my life daily and hourly, trying to turn everything upside down in me, inspiring me to seek vanity and not truth? Sons of humanity, how long will the heaviness last? Do you love vanity and are you looking for lies? [Ps.4:3]. Now you have left me, the Truth has put you to shame. Go away, go away, go far away from me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the indecent movement of my heart and thoughts in the apartment of the landlady, who kept the old woman Ekaterina Stepanovna [Spelukhina]. August 3. I thank the Lord, who showed me great help during Matins and Liturgy, when the enemy stung me with the sting of the lust for reward and completely weakened me. Having strongly called on the Lord in repentance, I was pardoned, received peace and freedom, strength and boldness. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sting of adultery at the sight and hearing of the girl’s tender voice. Oh, the sting of death! Oh, the thorn that separates you from God! May I, Lord, always be faithful to You! Others will say: why frequent fasting? Is it impossible to live like a Christian without fasting? To this I will answer: why fortresses, why cannons and rifles in a war with external enemies? You will say: how can a war survive without these weapons and strongholds? Then, without these weapons and strongholds, the enemy would easily enter the city and take possession of it and the entire kingdom. It’s exactly the same, my brothers, in spiritual warfare. Without weapons you cannot be a winner. And fasting is a powerful weapon in spiritual warfare, especially if combined with prayer. God Himself does not find any other, better weapon for us to fight the passions and the rulers of the darkness of this age. The hero Jesus Christ himself fasted for forty days and forty nights [Matthew 4:1–11, etc.]. I myself have experienced a thousand thousand times that without abstinence I am weak in spirit, invisible enemies conveniently overcome me, take me shamefully captive and torture me. And with abstinence with prayer and repentance, I am strong against passion and all demons. Don’t say that the post is not needed. He is a weapon against the devil and passions, he is the strength of a Christian man, Jesus Christ Himself, after fasting, returned in spiritual strength to Galilee [Luke 4:1–14]! Fasting, therefore, is necessary. August 4th. Sleep from 3rd to 4th. Somewhere I was in a hotel and ate some kind of thick soup, porridge or something; suddenly I see the head of an earthworm, the head increases and the very size of the worm, finally it becomes huge, [resting] in some huge [gut] and flowing from one [gut] to another; it crawled out of the vessel onto the ground - you think it will come out, but it ended up only in the other intestine. This worm is the devil, nesting in our belly when we overeat and become drunk. This is why fasting is necessary. Lord, have mercy on us for Thy name's sake! I'm a big glutton. Yesterday evening I was at Lukin’s dacha, drinking wine, porter, and tea. Had a snack after a long walk in the countryside. The time is wonderfully gracious: warm, clear, beneficial, quiet. At least sleep without a blanket at night. What vanity, what frivolity is full of everyday human life at dachas, both in the city and in the countryside, especially at the dachas of wealthy people! There is no care for the soul, it is starving, and the body is drowning in all sorts of pleasures. I thank the Lord, who had mercy and healed me from spiritual passion on my way along the [cemetery] avenue, when Mrs. [L...] was driving and did not invite me, did not greet me, and when her children, sitting on a bench at their dacha, did not invite me, and I was offended, and then deeply realized my madness, my sin and repented, bypassing the roads. August 3. I thank the Lord, who cleansed me from the movement of carnal passion when I looked at the good-looking servant, when I repented in my soul. Guardian of incorruption, Lord, glory to Thee. Do you always pray sincerely and with heartfelt attention? Ask yourself this question more often and answer it honestly. Do you always have hope and faith that what you pray for exists or will happen? August 5th. Friday. Twelve o'clock. As a result of eating salted fish in the evening - kilka with black bread and sweet jelly with almond milk at a time when I had no need for food and drink, today I suffered a lot during Matins from the violence of the evil demons, who confused and oppressed me and extremely prevented me from saying litanies and exclamations, until I defeated them with strong repentant prayer. The Lord gave me complete victory over them and spiritual peace with space in the Duma Assumption Church before mass (from Ivan Ivanovich Sidorov), when with great faith and hope I fell to the throne of God. He performed the entire mass by the grace of God without stumbling, with boldness and peace. Look mercifully, O Lord, upon Thy servant John Ivanovich Sidorov and give him health of soul and body to the glory of Thy name, forgive his sins and guide him on Thy path. The desire for earthly reward doubles my heart, paralyzes it, separates it from God, from love for Him. Therefore, for the love of God, one must despise everything: earthly honor, property or wealth, sweets and all worldly pleasures. Our soul is a simple being and cannot serve two masters - God and the world, God and wealth. Looking at the young merchant Ivan Ivanovich Sidorov, who has gone almost crazy as a result of his being forced into military service, who has lost sleep and the urge to eat, I am convinced that a person who lives without God, who does not attend divine services, is a miserable, dead person: in happiness he is arrogant, indulges himself with excess in every pleasure, and in misfortune he indulges in terrible despondency; the power and grace of God completely leaves him, and he is left only to himself. Dignified and righteous. But have mercy on him, O Lord my God, and heal him, so that he may glorify You and may he know that everything on earth is decay and does not have life in itself, power, or Your grace. August 6. I thank the Lord, who covered my nakedness and took away my shame from my soul before the liturgy, when I went after the removal of the deceased Khionia Blinova to serve mass in the cathedral, feeling completely alien to sincere love for my neighbors, filled with pride, insincerity, ill will, insensitivity, lack of compassion for the misfortunes of my neighbors (yesterday’s fire victims in Vladimirskaya street), and - alas! some kind of malice, malice. I mourned my poverty, nakedness, deadness of heart and plunged into the abyss of God’s mercy, into the riches of His bounties, and - oh, joy! I immediately felt the grace of God within me; The Lord covered my nakedness with the robe of His truth, His merits, took away my ugliness, my absurdity, my stench, my deadness, gave me peace instead of confusion, space instead of crampedness, boldness instead of despondency, a sense of dignity instead of shame. And during the Liturgy, how many times did the Lord raise me up when I was falling, when I cried out to Him heartily for help, and how many times instead of the death of my heart He gave life, instead of cowardice, boldness, and I performed the Liturgy by His grace with a triumphant spirit and voice and received the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving manner. I thank the Lord. He served prayers and performed baptisms with energy, with faith, without stumbling. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church and for the great enlightenment and tenderness of the heart, especially during the censing of the polyeleos and while standing at the Gospel during the canon. While venerating the holy icons of the Savior, the Mother of God with the Eternal Child, the feasts of the Twelves and Saints and earlier [image] on the royal doors of the Annunciation - the main thing of our salvation, I was illuminated by the following thoughts and feelings: through the Annunciation of the Archangel, heaven united with the earth, God united with people, human nature is immeasurably respected, adorned, fragrant (of the power saints), deified; we must ardently thank God for this, who loved us, love Him, we must live worthy of such a title, such care of God for us, such love of Him for us, we must live holy, we must ascend to the heavenly fatherland, eternal, unshakable, and we, priests, must recognize our high calling and dignity and serve with dignity, reverently, heartily, with an exalted mind and heart, in the world and love. Each icon in the church says a lot to the mind and heart, instructive, edifying, touching. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to firmly say goodbye to all the saints. Orthodox Christians are the joint of God, the flock of Christ, the members of His body, from His flesh and from His bones [Eph. 5:30], churches, His animated churches, His children, His sons and daughters, the sheep of His pasture, His birth, His body, and He is the Head, His animated vessels, His image and likeness, His heritage. How high is the title of a Christian! How close true Christians are to God! How especially close to God are His holy saints, His friends! How powerful is their intercession for us before God! On the Feast of the Transfiguration at mass, I was indignant that the sexton Zrelov absent-mindedly missed the antiphons of the holiday; the indignation came from anger and a feeling of hostility towards him, but I inwardly immediately repented before the Lord, asking to mercifully replace the feeling of anger in me with meekness and condescension, with gentleness and goodness, and the Lord had mercy, and I calmed down and served with boldness. Today, August 7, Sunday, while serving the liturgy in the Assumption Church, the disembodied enemy and the unclean spirit outraged me through a vision of the boy Nikolai Grechukhin, who was in the altar. The irritability of sensuality came from yesterday's very hearty funeral lunch at Blinova's in the market. Oh, damned man I am! Knowing the passion of my flesh, I do not constantly mortify it and do not fast. Now the Dormition Fast is passing, and I still feast on it and drink grape wine. Woe is me! August 8. In the beauty of creatures, may I always see the beauty of God and may I cleave with all my heart to the Creator, who can create from dust such beauty, visible throughout the world and in individual creatures, especially in humans. Glory to Thee, most beautiful, all-powerful, all-good and wise, beginningless and incomprehensible, ineffable Creator and Master and Our Father in Three Persons - Father, Son and Holy Soul. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform a memorial service for the soul of Alexander [V...] Evfimov in the gymnasium without stumbling in front of many visitors. I prayed with heartfelt conviction that penetrated my entire being. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to reject from my heart the sweet, lustful thought with which the unclean one dreamed 28 of corrupting my heart and depriving me of the grace of the Holy Spirit. How calm and spacious I felt in the reflection of sin and corruption, which approached in the form of a sweet sting! Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit! But grant me, Lord, to overcome the sting of demonic fears. Players! Satan is playing with your souls. Is our soul a toy? Should we play in the image and likeness of God? Are we not all called to important responsibilities, to fulfilling God’s commandments? Gamblers! Theater lovers! Gluttonous people! Clubgoers! I suffered greatly today at Evfimov’s memorial service from the temptations of my sinful flesh and from the enemy when saying absolution. Yesterday's delicacy - apples, strawberry jam, wine from Feodor Vasilyev confused my heart, clothed it in sweetness and a lustful disposition. For a long time I languished in the captivity of the enemy, deprived of the presence of God in my heart, I repented for a long time, condemned, exposed myself, asking the Lord for mercy, walking in the Summer Garden, finally the Lord sent me the grace of mercy, purification, pacification, sanctification, freedom, health. I perceived within myself the retribution befitting my charm 29 from a beautiful female sympathetic face [Rom. 1:27]. And man is grass, dust, pus. Woe to me without the service of God, especially without the liturgy - delusion overcomes me and brazenly takes me captive. (My stomach was upset, my nerves were upset, in the morning I drank tea without the urge to drink it, and also with part of the prosphora, also without the urge, without the need - all errors! Oh, sins! Serious sins!) I turned out to be unfaithful in my heart and in my word before the Lord at the memorial service for Alexandra Vlas. Evfimov, was overcome by personal bias, or partiality. Oh, damned one! Why don’t I have spiritual, unfeigned love for every person, equally beautiful and ugly (especially women), young and old, wealthy and poor? And this love, which I feel exclusively for some, is only [dross], the dross of love, sweetened poison, corruption of the mind and heart, and even the flesh. Well, how can I appear before the face of God with such love? Because of such partial love, I was afraid of fear where there was no fear [Ps. 13:5], and I was greatly wounded and darkened. Glory to the righteous judgment of God! 9 . Damned, I do not care about correcting my heart and life: I indulge in delicacy and gluttony, breaking the fast of the Most Holy Theotokos. Grace deserts me with dignity and plunges me into inner fornication and shame. But although from now on fast, shameless. And I sin after 30 times of communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of my Lord Jesus Christ! When you feel in yourself the brazen violence of the passions of anger, envy, ambition, fornication, gluttony, love of money, hostility towards your neighbor, despondency, then do not blame for your sins the people whom your soul considers to be the culprits of your passionate torment, but recognize for certain that you yourself have been extremely corrupted, have extremely corrupted yourself with sins, and consider your neighbors innocent of that or, if they are really guilty of causing you any offense or general untruth, do not be at all angry with them, but pray for them to God, may he turn them to the path of the Gospel, to the path of peace, love, holiness and truth, and be grateful to them for the fact that they, at least sometimes against their will, give you saving knowledge about yourself, namely, that you are very, very sinful and enslaved to various passions, from which you must immediately correct yourself, so that they will not be able and may they not become stronger in you to the point of being unable to overcome and eradicate them. For constant skill with them makes them second nature. Such are fornication, pride, hatred, partiality, envy, gluttony, delicacy, drunkenness, disobedience, confusion, fear, despondency, etc. (Concerning the inhospitability of Father Deacon Sofronov in the church on August 9 at Matins. This inhospitability is repeated often. Do not put this sin on him, O Lord. Forgive him, O Lord, who knows not what he is doing. Transform him, O Lord, into a good one. I thank you, Lord, for for his sake I have known the multitude of my sins. I thank you too, Pyotr Alexandrovich, honest fellow servant, for what you have given I have the true knowledge of myself that I am a scoundrel and a scoundrel, except for my priesthood.) I thank the Lord, who, through my earnest and urgent inner prayer in the Summer Garden at twelve o’clock in the afternoon and on the way to the cemetery at six o’clock in the evening, delivered me from great crowding, sorrow and grief towards my gymnasium comrade Alexander Al. Udaltsov, who neglected me and did not greet me when I met, contrary to accepted decency (whereas I always greeted him), while he greeted everyone else. I considered all the decency of this world to be shadow and smoke and, like people (and myself here), for vanity. I put on faith in the Lord, my all-sufficient good, and immediately calmed down, became enlightened, revived, and strengthened. I will be independent from all these worldly vanities and from people themselves, no matter who they are, I will not be a slave to people, being myself in the image and likeness of God and, moreover, a priest and archpriest (although I am a sinner), a servant of the Most High God, before whom the whole world is nothing, and all princes are like nothing, and all nations are like drops in a cinder [Is. 40:15]. Why do fears embarrass me before the mighty of the world during worship? Because I don’t have sincere love for them. Love casts out fear, for fear has torment [1.4:18]. I am generally poor, poor in love. God! Grant me true and unfeigned love. I praise the Lord, who has many times delivered me today from sorrows, oppression and the shame of sinful, passionate movements of the heart, when I cried out to Him in repentance, with faith and hope, and who has granted me victory over passions and peace with freedom of spirit and boldness. Everything that is true, righteous, firm, permanent, truly sweet, life-giving - all this is in God and only in Him alone. In the world there is nothing true, permanent - everything passes away, like a dream and a shadow, people are unfaithful, vain, crafty, unjust: For everything that is in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but from this world [1.2:16]. Glory to the Life-Giving Spirit, who every day benefits me with the favor of the Ever-Eternal Father, with the grace and bounty of His Eternal Son, who has mercy, who delivers me from troubles and sorrows, who cleanses all my iniquities, who delivers my belly from corruption, who crowns me with mercy and bounties [Ps. 102:3-4], who takes away from me a heavy burden sins and passions and fierce sorrows and placing on me the good yoke of Christ and His light burden, comforting me with faith and hope, surrounding me with the joys of deliverance, helping me in all good deeds, driving away from me the powerfully evil invisible adversaries who seek to destroy me every day. I thank the Lord, who saved me yesterday in the apartment of Father Peter Preobrazhensky from some secret ill-will towards him and the selfish-evil disposition of my heart. I secretly repented of this secret action of sin and evil within me as a destroyer of the Gospel commandment of love, and the Lord took away my guilt from me, cleansed my sin, and calmed me. How many different sins I have! How damned I am! But teach me, make me wise, O Lord, the witness and knower of my heart, to love my neighbor as myself, to sincerely wish him well, to sincerely love him, to rejoice with him in joy, to sympathize with him in sorrow, to sympathize with his successes. Kill in me, Lord, carnal pride, which wants to attract all blessings to itself, taking away from others, although I did not take away only Your grace - except, however, I often took away from the poor what was assigned to them from the property You gave me, without giving alms to some of them. Forgive, Lord, and learn to love Your creation and property as yourself. Yesterday I saw great works at the Academy, raised by Father Peter P. Preobrazhensky was no match for my work in composing a course essay, and I was surprised at his perseverance and patience. If only I had such stamina and such patience! Respect him deeply as a worthy shepherd and teacher of the law. It was regrettable to hear about his brother-in-law, Priest Pavel Petrovich (in the Narva district), obsessed with drinking and demonic possession, and demonic fears (demons resemble various sins). The latter happens to me too. Remember him, Lord, for the sake of Your name in Your Kingdom and deliver him from his enemies, as unworthy of me. Wake up! August 11. Glory to the Lord, who exposed the devil’s slander against my brother Alexander Al. Udaltsov, as if he despises and hates me for something; but I am ashamed of my face that I accepted his slander as truth and was worried and tormented because of the imaginary hostility of my comrade. Forward science. God! I thank You because You brought me into a family environment that curbs my passions and cleaves me against its will or against its will to You, the All-Creator and Benefactor. But curb, O Master Lord, the passions of my household, for you have become strong and strong in them. I thank You, Lord, for last night you despised my repentance in my struggle with opposing forces and transformed confusion and storm into peace. Great is Your salvation, O Lord! But grant, Lord, to Thy creation Anna, like-mindedness with Thy Church, with Thy commandments, so that I too may be like-minded with her. I thank You, for You have despised this day for prayer of repentance and have cast my confusion upon the world. But when will my servant Anna, spoiled and dulled mentally and morally by my household, do her little work with efficiency and attention? For more than twenty years I have endured her incessant dirty tricks, unless You, O Most Merciful and Long-suffering, bear with me more and more my madness according to Your word: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matthew 7:2]. I will be patient with the Lord, may the Lord be patient with me. I thank the Lord for the wonderful visit of my unworthiness by His mercy in the presence of Timofey Aleksandrovich Moiseev, a venerable old man, a major of eighty-seven years old. I was raped by the passion of anger towards my sister Anna K.Ts., it embarrassed, oppressed, darkened, and shamed me. But I called on the name of the Lord in repentance and soon felt the glorious salvation of God in my soul: my soul became meek, gentle, peaceful, free, bright, strong in the Holy Spirit. I was comforted by being resurrected from spiritual death. Glory to the miracles of the Lord’s mercy, saving me in every place, at every hour, in all situations and circumstances. I received God’s mercy while sitting in the living room with Timofey Aleksandrovich Moiseev. He gave two rubles to commemorate the deceased servant of God, his father, Alexander Nikiforovich. May the Lord God remember him in His Kingdom, forgiving every sin, voluntary and involuntary. August 12. Three and a half hours in the afternoon. Glory to Thee, invincible Lord in mercy! There is, truly, sin, conquering Your love for mankind. You heard me, you are everywhere and fulfill everything 31 when I walked in great cramped conditions and sorrow, repenting of my sin, which I said in hostility to my sister-in-law Anna, who was extremely irritable and argumentative; I walked along Aleksandrovskaya Street and partly near the western wooden wall and outside the city along a transverse path between vegetable gardens. Outside the city, You poured out Your great mercy on me, the mercy of forgiveness, healing, peace, space and freedom. You have untied me, Master, from mortal bonds; absolve sister Anna from her sins, granting her deep, tearful repentance. Hey, amen! Wake up, wake up, wake up! Humble me, Lord, so that she may not perish in her exalted pride, in her rebellion, in her disobedience, in her wickedness, in her murmuring, in her lies, in her love of money, in her material deeds. From the 13th to the 14th (Sunday day) I slept very poorly at night: there was some kind of stabbing in the lower back and sides, which did not allow me to sleep, I think - from a lot of dust in the cathedral (at home, my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin was sorting out books and raised dust) and from mushroom food. At three o'clock in the morning I got up, got dressed and went for a walk in the fresh air, walked for an hour, came back and fell asleep quite a bit. He served Mass decently; his voice, however, was not strong, but rather weak. He reproached himself for frequent corruption by gluttony, delicacy, wine drinking, and failure to fast. I recalled the words of the Apostle: The earth, which has drunk the rain that falls on it many times and produces grain useful to those for whom it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God; but the thorns and thistles that produce 32 are unprofitable and are close to a curse, the end of which is burning [Heb.6:7-8]. I begged the Lord to have more patience with me, a sinner above all. After communion, the voice became powerful; I read the pulpit smartly and forcefully; Not all release, Britneva, who was being given prosphora by the guard at that time, was embarrassed; words: grant them to Thy Holy Churches, and I could not say further, God has granted God knows what. Thank you for God's mercy. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to prepare and dry the Holy Gifts for the sick. God! Grant me the upper hand over the invisible and visible adversaries. Why am I afraid of Philip Stepanov, Nick. Sidorov, Britnev and similar city leaders? This fear is from the devil: a servant of God should not fear anyone. God! Grant me to love everyone sincerely and pray for everyone fervently. I don’t have this during worship and outside of it. Various worldly passions and addictions have dried up my love and cooled my heart. August 16. I thank the Lord that my head, which had been hurting for two days, although at intervals, got better this night due to the cleansing of my stomach and the heavy rain that began, covering the entire sky (before the rain, it also hurt due to clogging of bile). I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness during the festive liturgy in the Assumption Church during the cathedral service and for the revitalization of my soul, deadened by the sins and addictions of life. Grant me today, Lord, the grace with feeling, with tenderness of heart, calmly, with a free spirit, to unfalteringly perform the early liturgy and thanksgiving prayer before the act of the gymnasium. Yes, God grant! Strengthen me, help me in my weakness, even as I, Lord, know. Grant me, with my tongue and writing hand, to thank and glorify You, my God, all my days, until my last breath. Amen. August 17. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who granted me, although with great embarrassment because of my sins, but with the benefit of my soul, to celebrate a private liturgy for the repose of my relatives in the Assumption Church and who strengthened my soul to perform a solemn prayer service before the act of the gymnasium and to deliver the speech that I composed. God! Have mercy on me, who walks not according to the spirit, but according to the flesh, for I am a glutton, a wine drinker, and countless other passions have not diminished from me 33 . Correct me, Lord! Teach me by Thy justification; I'm in deep misery inside. Serving yesterday's liturgy without a deacon showed me especially clearly that I am extremely passionate, weak in spirit beyond measure, and all because of gluttony. 18. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly led me from the death of sin to a life of grace and peace, through the prayer of my repentance. I thank the benevolent Lord, the hope without shame. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to overcome the enemy and all his confusion and without stumbling, with boldness, say exclamations and dismissal at the memorial service for the servant of God Jacob (the breadgrower on the ditch, in the house of Sturgeon). Glory to You, Lord, my victory, my strength. You will be like gods [Genesis 3:5], said the serpent to the pristine couple. Having accepted this suggestion, they really dreamed of being like gods, fell into pride and passed on their pride to their descendants. Since then, many, many people in previous centuries and now dream of being like gods: they were tormented and tormented by pride, ambition and the love of fame of this world; they vied with each other to try to be higher than each other, and are tormented by envy if a brother has become higher or equal in honor, wealth and other worldly blessings; they try to be equal to or surpass their neighbor in rewards, to grab them, so to speak, by all means or ways as much as possible, forgetting that God gave us the greatest wealth and the greatest honor in the image and likeness of God, in which they were created, in the deification of them by the Lord, in the fact that He gave Himself as an inheritance to those who fear Him [Ps. 60:6], giving them Himself as food and drink Himself, making them temples of the Holy Spirit, the home of the Holy Trinity. Oh, how many of us want to be gods in this age! How they forget that they are cursed, poor, poor, blind, naked in their deeds, that they constantly anger the Lord and are worthy not of reward, but of dishonor, not of joy, but of torment. Где нищета духа вследствие глубины падения, растления, греховности? Where is the cry for sins? Where is the humility? Where is the greed and thirst for truth? Where is the alms? Where is the purity of heart? Where is peacemaking? Где ревность по правде и обличение неправды? 18. Being in the limestone, brick, [roost] dust, like yesterday in church, is extremely harmful for me: the blood becomes sharp, burning and does not allow me to sleep at night, like today. Блох от пыли множество – тоже жалят меня жальцами своими. Чаю много пил я вчера, и это на нервы дурно действует. И треска с картофелем мне повредила. Молоко надо пить всякий день. God! I thank You, my joy, my shrine, for the new day of Your mercy, for the sun that has risen again. The words: hallowed be the name... suggest in the speaker a strong desire for holiness, zeal for a holy life; Thy Kingdom Come presupposes a strong hatred of the sin that reigns in us and a strong desire for the Kingdom of Christ in us; Thy will be done implies in us disgust with hatred from the will of the devil and sinful self-will and reverence with love for the will of God as wise, all-good, all-perfect and saving, and contempt for the will of the devil as absurd, insane, evil and all-destructive. Our bread ... presupposes in us a love of moderation and abstinence in food, drink and other essential needs and contempt for luxury, satiety, drunkenness, and voluptuousness. Forgive us our debts presupposes hatred of sins, sincere, deep, unfeigned repentance and a sincere desire for correction; just like us... readiness to always forgive others for their mistakes against us and not to be vindictive, for we all suffer from sins and are painfully inclined to sin; do not lead us into temptation presupposes our removal from temptations and temptations, to which we often go on our own (in the case of gluttony, drunkenness, fornication); deliver us from the evil one presupposes in us constant vigilance on guard of our salvation, hatred of the devil, the leader of all evil. I thank You, Lord, Guardian of incorruption, for yesterday You delivered me from the movement of the heart, contrary to Your shrine in the house of Sturgeon, from the uncleanness of the heart. 18. I thank the Lord for the gift of great tenderness with tears during the liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church and for the wonderful revival of me, a weak person killed by my sins, by His grace before communion of the Holy Mysteries and especially after communion. I thank the Lord for my repeated, obvious salvation from the evil machinations of the enemy. Sincere repentant prayer has never put me to shame, it has always been listened to by God and brought me permission, tranquility, freedom, peace, joy, truth, and holiness. Great and saving is the name of the Lord. May it be a salvation for everyone. Sin terribly corrupted, desecrated, darkened, disfigured, weakened my entire being - soul and body, but Christ the Lord by His cross, that is, by His [suffering] and death on the Cross, and before that by His Divine teaching He saved me all, delivered me from damnation and eternal death, ennobled and glorified the dishonored, cleansed the defiled, enlightened the darkened, He adorned the disfigured, strengthened the weak, revived and renewed the corrupt, and in order to always deliver these blessings, until the end of the age, to all people who desire salvation, He founded the Church and in it He left all His strength for life and piety [2.1:3], established worship, preaching the word of God, the Sacraments, a spiritual hierarchy, pastors and teachers of the Church. Glory, Lord, to Your honorable Cross and Resurrection. I will always praise You. August 19. Lady Theotokos! You are the manifestation and personification of all the perfections of the Creator and Your Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, You are brightly decorated with His all kinds of virtues; He always rests in You, through You and in You He does good, saves, has mercy, helps, works miracles unceasingly. Today I sinned before the Lord: I was angry with the beggar and cried out for using the money I gave him for the wrong thing, not for clothes, but for the landlady’s rent. I have upset the Lord, who commanded us meekness, gentleness, humility, patience, and I have upset myself, deprived myself of peace, grace, I have grieved the Holy Spirit, Who is my breath and my holiness, my peace, the light of my eyes, the space of my heart, my joy. But I repent with all my soul: have mercy on me, O Lord, and grant me Thy peace for Thy name’s sake. Amen. I accept what I asked of the Lord and thank you. Glory to Thee, kind and quick to obey, Lord my Savior! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace and strength to perform alone, without a deacon, a prayer service before the beginning of the teaching and the blessing of water at the school of guardianship; did it boldly, heartily, firmly. On August 20th and 21st I was in the capital and, looking at the wealth and splendor of the buildings, at the wealth, variety, versatility of works of nature and art in shops, benches, on boats, in distribution, I marveled at the goodness, creativity, wisdom, beauty, greatness, omnipotence, providence of our God, who created everything and made man wise to do all sorts of useful, beautiful, varied and countless things, and Most importantly, man himself is created in the image and likeness of God and, having fallen, is miraculously restored and renewed and raised to perfection. Don't eat jam: it's bad for your nerves. Eat black bread, white bread only occasionally and very little, especially buns. I did something stupid and reckless when I ate Anna Konstantinovna’s prosfirka in the morning unnecessarily, on a whim: to this day I suffer from heaviness and pain in the stomach, relaxation. I sinned before God, the Mother of God, before the holy Angels, before all the saints and before myself. August 23. God bless! Today I served mass at the Duma Assumption Church with Father Archpriest Pavel and Priest M. Peter. Klepachevsky for the late Maria Ivanovna Kalmykova. After not serving for a whole week and various intemperance in food and drink (and after a walk to St. Petersburg), I felt extreme spiritual powerlessness, corruption of my entire being, the evil, terrible sting of the devil inside and the same violence of hostility towards hostility towards the rector, violence with which I fought until I sweated throughout mass and even after mass. Woe without the grace of God, woe without liturgy for me, a corrupt sinner. I took communion to the revival, but then again during the funeral service the enemy overcame me, hurt me, confused me. During the service, it seemed to me that the archpriest was putting on airs and behaved proudly and arrogantly. But not proudly and arrogantly, but with dignity befitting the dignity; I erred in my opinion, thinking evil about him, and was punished for evil. I learned later, on the way to the gate, that the archpriest was not angry at all, but a good man, meek, even, sedate. He spoke to me like a brother. As a result of this conviction, all evil fell away from my soul. At the gymnasium, in the first and fourth grades, I felt depressed and not entirely free, especially in the fourth grade. Lord, have mercy on me. Yesterday I went to three treats. The spatially feeding soul dies alive [1.5:6]. This is mine. August 24. I thank the Lord for this early liturgy, during which the Lord granted me tenderness, boldness, peace and the greatest salvation. Glory to His inexhaustible mercy and His countless bounties. I thank the Lord, who did not reject me from His goodness for the sake of my many sins. August 25. I thank the all-good, quick to obey, benevolent and beneficent God and my Lord Jesus Christ, who quickly heard the repentant cry of my heart and had mercy on me, and gave me life from the dead, peace, space, freedom, boldness in prayer (two prayer services). I glorify and exalt the Lord, and with Him His Most Blessed Mother, the Most Pure and Most Blessed Mother of God Mary, my Representative and Helper truly. 26. Yesterday I did a bad thing when I ate meat (tongue) as a snack at the shopkeeper’s in the Unsettled House (stone) after caviar with black bread, [herring] after pie: my heart became coarse and my stomach became heavy; It’s also bad that in the evening at home I ate fatty cabbage soup (five or six spoons) and roast meat. Oh, greed! I sinned before God and before myself and before people. 27. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who works miracles in me every day, who has mercy on me when I sincerely repent of my sins: yesterday the Lord had mercy on me many times: once in the Kudryavtsevsky wing at the Petersburg Gate (on Pesochnaya Street), when I was stung by the serpent for my partiality (the woman seemed ugly, and I felt a slight, involuntary disgust) and then repented of my partiality (the image of God one in all), and then, when I looked at a picture of a half-naked young woman in Kulikov’s store and was tempted, stung by lust. He repented again and received forgiveness. Mr. [P...] baptized with God's grace magnificently. After the all-night vigil on August 27 (on Sunday). I thank the Lord, who repeatedly burned the thorns of my sins during the all-night vigil with the grace of the Holy Spirit and gave me enlightenment, boldness, and tenderness with tears. With great boldness, I burned incense on polyeleos and read the prayer, “Have mercy on me, O God,” a psalm of David. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the thorns of the evil one at the end of the all-night vigil (Christ, Sveta did not say everything, the final release was not expressed somewhat in the first hour). I thank the Lord, who saved me by His immeasurable mercy in the regimental church (in the Golovarevsky house), to which I arrived for salvation regarding the sick servant of God Nadezhda Vasilievna Korolkova, the wife of the priest Vasily Dmitrievich Korolkova. The incorporeal enemy strongly pressed and burned me: I fell with faith to the throne and was reconciled, revived and beautifully read the prayers before and after confession. Glory to Your power, Lord! All Christians and children of Christian parents must delve into the spirit of worship, so heavenly, loving, holy, all-encompassing. This spirit is always new, ageless and in its breadth and loftiness, holiness, loftiness 34 is not accessible to many believers, as they are bound by worldly lusts and pleasures and passions. Everyone needs to reach it. For this, glory to the Lord and His Most Holy Church, which sanctifies us, leading us to love, to the Heavenly Kingdom. Sin is the greatest, deliberate fool and at the same time the greatest sly and cunning, the greatest villain, adulterer, greedy and greedy, selfish, envious, etc. Oh, how he fools me, beats, kills, for example, in anger, gluttony, drunkenness, envy, laziness, gluttony. Every person's home court of conscience reminds us of the future universal impartial court of God and together is proof of the future court. We must listen to this home judge and obey him. One must always force oneself to pray: at first reluctantly and hard for a person who has become fussy and hardened in heart from worldly addictions, and then, as one is forced, with faith and diligence, it will become easier and easier to pray. Our hearts are churches of Christ: we must always keep them pure and fragrant with virtues. Hurry, hurry to the church of God. August 28. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who worked miracles in me even now during the liturgy: before the liturgy and at the beginning of it, I had extreme sorrow, cramped conditions, mental and physical weakness from the action of the enemy (due to meat: it seemed like a lot [spending money]), but when I fell with faith, in heartfelt repentance, to the throne of the Lord, knowing 35 that He sits invisibly on His holy throne, my whole being became free, easy, peaceful, life-giving. Then, when my enemies again became powerful in me from my view of a man climbing through the forests, and I was embarrassed and out of powerlessness stole, without uttering the words of a prayer for victory over my enemies, I again resorted to the God of my salvation and again felt in my heart, instead of crampedness, space, instead of confusion, peace, instead of death, life! Wonderful is the name of the Lord! He then performed the entire mass victoriously; at the great entrance he pronounced all the names of the royal family; First, remember everything, the entire prayer behind the pulpit, the entire release. I thank the Lord for my boldness. During the all-night vigil on August 29, the Lord worked miracles in me again: he revived me who was dead in the sins of gluttony, satiety and drunkenness (at Konstantinov’s pastry chef I ate and drank ahead of time, having no appetite, then at home I ate cabbage soup and a little meat), made me worthy of the greatest tenderness and a source of tears; I read the Gospel very calmly, without hindrance I read the canon to the Forerunner, I said all absolution, Christ, the true Light, everything. August 29. This morning was extremely painful for me due to the grave temptations of the rapist, the torturer of the devil. The reason, by the way, is this: I shared with the sexton Zrelov three rubles received for the farewell of the sick woman with a prayer service for the confectioner’s wife Tatyana Konstantinova; the sexton was given ninety kopecks; I thought: he already had it from Konstantinov, and I also gave ninety kopecks - he would get more than me, and I envied him - it hurt me, crushed me, killed me; the enemy was waiting for this and laid all his hellish weight on me. Before the prayer service on the floating docks, during the prayer service, during mass - oh, how hard it was for me, terrible! This is my punishment for yesterday’s satiation at Konstantinov’s after the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries. How long will I work my belly and offend the Spirit of grace? Now, after the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries, thank God, it’s easy! The Lord had mercy after a difficult ordeal. Father Deacon Sofronov fell today in the Church of the Assumption of the Mother of God during the liturgy. Poor! When will he get better? And will it get better? And we desperately need another deacon because of the frequent services! Many times the Lord heard my prayer and had mercy on me, and brought me out of my troubles into space. Ten o'clock in the evening. Glory, Lord, to Your good obedience, Your wondrous, inexhaustible mercy: I was stung by nasty, adulterous sin - inside I was in cramped conditions, sorrow, but I called You, invisible, as if I saw, in repentance and self-condemnation, and You forgave me my sin, cleansed and sanctified me and protected my soul with peace. Grant me to hate every sin as the fruit of devilish disobedience and corruption and to love truth in every form; grant us to hate corruption and love incorruption. Thorn 36 Lord, from my heart there are thorns of malice, envy, fornication, greed, ambition, negligence, laziness, fear. Every day, O Lord, You renew me through repentance with grace. Thank You, Lord! Bless everyone, Lord! A priest, and indeed a person in general, accustomed to excess in food and drink, becomes an easy plaything for invisible enemies and must suffer from them in truth cruel, deadly torment for admonition and punishment, as a slave of his womb, as an insulter to God’s majesty and God’s holiness, reflected in his soul, created in the image and likeness of God. (This is what happened to me yesterday during the liturgy: I suffered cruel torment from evil demons for the gluttony that happened the day before.) God! I thank You with all my heart that You, by Your wise and gracious providence and providence for me, unworthy, have delivered and are delivering me from many sins, and do not allow many of my absurd passions to manifest themselves and occur, which under other circumstances could easily manifest themselves and occur and cause me countless evils. Now, under my circumstances, I have to suppress them willy-nilly and I find that it is good, the greatest good, to suppress all impulses of many different passions, such as: self-love, pride, vanity, ambition, envy, hostility, malice, fornication, impatience, anger, gluttony, drunkenness, love of money, laziness, idleness, despondency, fear, embarrassment, fear, people-pleasing. So in everything You do me good, Master Lord! You do good then and there, when and how I don’t know. For this be glory to You! Grant me, Lord, good-naturedly, half-laughingly, half-jokingly, to make comments to children or adults who have done wrong, and not by getting angry and losing my temper and thereby only upsetting and embarrassing myself and others and committing a grave sin. I sinned before the Lord, not peacefully and not from a good heart, with irritation and anger I ordered one somewhat impudent girl to move out of the way from the iconostasis. I accuse myself and ask for mercy from my Lord, who knows the secrets of our hearts. August 30. I thank the Lord, who has granted me great and many victories this day over the invisible enemies who mercilessly fought and embittered me. I thank the Lord, who gave me mercy, grace and strength, with great tenderness and tears, to perform the late liturgy in the Assumption Church and partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries, by the grace of which I remained invulnerable all day from invisible enemies, although I drank wine and ate sweet meat from the city mayor, the birthday boy Pavel Ivanovich Neustroyev. The tenderness came most from the living memory and consciousness of God's daily, countless deliverances from sins and invisible enemies, from aphids and oppression, from the consciousness of constant revitalization and renewal by grace. He performed the entire mass without stumbling, with boldness. Vespers too, despite drinking wine. It gave me strength. Good drinking honey also produced good results. Time is capital, but how unproductively and unreasonably many people use this time! For example, sitting whole evenings and nights playing cards. What could be more stupid and unworthy of a rational being - a person destined for eternity? Hearing litanies, exclamations, prayers, chants, church readings, a believer must certainly be imbued with a sense of self-worth and try to be worthy of his great calling. And how rarely does this happen and how often is this dignity forgotten! Are you kind to your (Heavenly) Father? Are you kind to the Mother of God? Is it characteristic? Isn't he a stranger at heart? Why not affectionate, uncharacteristic, alien? Having risen from sleep, a person begins to sin internally: either he praises himself and humiliates others, or he is dissatisfied with others and is hostile to them, or he thinks about gluttony and feasts, or about cards, or he seeks satisfaction of his ambition or covetousness, or he thinks about unclean deeds - my God! The whole person is permeated with sin! Where is the desire for You, the living God, the gracious God? Where is the desire for holiness, for truth, for eternal life in heaven? Where is the thought and desire to imitate the saints? To coexist with them, friends of God, zealots of truth, fighters and martyrs of truth? God! I thank You, for You have raised me to health and now from sleep, even though I am a sinner. August 31st. I thank the Lord, who gave me the indecent grace to celebrate the Liturgy in the cathedral with weakness of spirit and body with tenderness and non-stumbling. But at the very end of the liturgy, during communion and then there was a terrible struggle with the rulers of the darkness of this age because of apparently empty things: I, or the demon who was given to tempt me, or my waywardness and stubbornness, did not like the fact that sexton Zrelov, during my communion, sings alone often: We take refuge under Your mercy, Mother of God! This is just demonic arrogance! Why not repeat this song often, why not often resort to the mercy of the Lady, which is necessary for me and all Orthodox Christians? It is desirable for me that the sexton diversify the sacraments according to the days, just as the Holy Church did not ordain the same sacraments. But the confusion and dissatisfaction, the inner annoyance at the fact that the sexton sang this touching, beautiful song, the evil at this song is remarkable - clearly coming from the devil, and he, the accursed one, almost broke me with this, embarrassed, wounded, killed, although later he was again defeated by the grace of God. I should never be upset by the repetition of the same songs, filled with the grace of the Holy Spirit, otherwise this would clearly be resistance to the Holy Spirit breathing in sacred songs, it would be the malice of the evil spirit in me, as happens, unfortunately, due to my feeble-mindedness and willfulness. To wish for a variety of sacraments every day and not to repeat the same ones at times would be tantamount to wishing not to repeat other sacred songs, litanies and exclamations, which are always the same. And this is ridiculous. Oh, the malice of the evil spirit against the Lady Theotokos! I see you, all-filthy, all-evil, all-cunning demon, and I despise you. May the grace of the Holy Spirit conquer and nourish you, just as it has and has always driven you away with all your dirty tricks and absurdities. Oh, how I was at peace after the victory of the Lord in me! I praise the Lord! But soon afterwards the devil again attacked me with malice when I was sitting in Petrovsky Park opposite the governor’s house with a hieromonk from the Derevyanitsky Monastery. Again I didn’t like his rough physiognomy (he sniffed tobacco heavily), and out of my sinful voluptuousness and vanity, I despised him, damned one, although he was perhaps a thousand times better than me in his heart: the monk was meek and kind. Oh, how the spirit of evil attacked me and tormented me for a long, long time, two and a half hours! And rightly so! Do not look for the beauty of a person’s face, learn impartiality, otherwise you will despise many great, most worthy faces, but ugly ones, if you look at the faces; look at man as the image and likeness of God and [pass over] the flesh, the face is the shell of a man, not the man himself. I prayed for a long time, repenting of my sin, and the Lord had mercy. Yesterday’s gluttony and drunkenness greatly contributed to these heart errors, this increase in voluptuousness and vanity in me, this strength of invisible enemies in me. We need abstinence and unceasing prayer. Send money to merchant Zheverzheev in St. Petersburg. To the Heavenly King... Our Father, Who art in heaven... Christ made us from earthly, sinners - heavenly, holy... These words: Heavenly King, Father... in heaven should be for us a cure against earthly, worldly addictions that lead us into countless sins. The words of the prayer to the Heavenly King and the prayer Our Father contain the guiding thread for the life of a Christian, a renewing force. A Christian must be holy, live heavenly on earth, desire with all his heart and seek the Kingdom of God through the fulfillment of His all-holy, all-wise, all-blessed and all-perfect will, always live abstinently and not seek luxury in the table; abstinence is the mother of health and the companion of grace; to sincerely repent of sins every day and forgive insults to others, so common between people in the community; avoid temptations and not succumb to the evil one who tempts us into sin, remembering that we are children of God, and that it is convenient for God to give us all this, and that for all this we will receive the Kingdom of Heaven, we will be clothed with the power of God and glorified to endless ages. Amen. Truly, immutably. Wonderful prayer! Unwashed (Church Slavic) – incorruptible. Belial (Heb.) – lit.: insignificant, worthless. In the Bible, this word is applied to all depraved, wicked and evil people, but especially to Satan, as the main culprit of all wickedness and evil. To give birth (Church Glav.) - to revive, to give a new birth in holy Baptism. Imprinting – The Sacrament of Confirmation. A Christian accepts the grace and action of the Holy Spirit through Holy Baptism and Confirmation; the priest, anointing with holy myrrh, says: “The seal of the gift of the Holy Spirit.” As St. Ephraim the Syrian writes: “All the entrances in your soul are sealed with the seal of the Holy Spirit, all your members are sealed with the seal of anointing.” Simple (Church Slavic) – meaning: whole, indivisible into parts. Lepota (Church Glav.) – beauty. Rozhdiye (Church Slavic) – branch, branch. Dream, daydream (Church Glav.) – ghost, empty appearance, seduction. Tolikokratno (church-glav.) – many times. Prayer to the Holy Spirit “Heavenly King.” Thistle (Church Slavic) – a thorny plant, thistle. The prayer of Simeon Metaphrast “As the Judgment Seat stands before Thy Dreaded and impartial person” from the sequence of prayers for Holy Communion. Vysprenniy (Church Slavic) – high (from “vyspren” – up). Famous (church glory) – faithful, undoubted; firmly confident. Izsetsati (Church Glav.) – to flog, strike with a blow, kill. Gorshiy (Church Slavic) – the worst.