Июль 1877 года

From the 10th to the 11th of July, at night, a vision in a dream of a terrible storm that crushed (destroyed) houses, as if it had destroyed our church house; so it fell, crumbled, but we remained unharmed by God’s grace, however, only half supposedly [fell], in which I live, and where Father Pavel Trachevsky is, it survived. Why is there such a storm? Someone in a dream explained that at this time [Kars] was taken, that this was due to the strong expansion of air due to a large firing. Let's see. You should have seen the sky during a terrible storm, how it tore the air apart (the stormy clouds were continuous), how it carried everything away and swirled around. July 12th. Eating milk with sour cream (yogurt) in the evening is extremely dangerous for chastity: it creates a strong urge to fornication. From the 11th to the 12th at night I almost committed fornication with my wife in a dream. He got up and prayed at night for deliverance and cleansing from unclean dreams. (And these unclean dreams must also be attributed to sweet tea - not to drink sweetly, to always try to drink with a bite, and not to add sugar, not to please the sinful, ungodly, passionate, evil, envious, prodigal, greedy, speculative flesh.) And it may also be because late yesterday evening I took a long walk in the fragrant Engineering Garden. What a gain, what a wealth for the soul, frequent fasting! I am convinced of this from experience! Thanks to the Holy Church, which established frequent fasting. This is the greatest benefit for pious souls and for their flesh, for taming passions, for pacifying carnal views. But our flesh is greedy: even during Lent it strives for quick food. We need to pay attention to the nature of our worship: it consists in the fact that in its entire composition the connection between the Old Testament and the New is shown (the very word irmos, attached to the first verses of the song of the canon and showing the transition from the Old Testament to the New, indicates this character). During every divine service you hear echoes from the Old Testament, you hear [hearing] about the sacred narratives that served as the beginning and root of great events in the field of faith, hearing about promises to the ancient forefathers, prophecies and types fulfilled in the New Testament, about instructive truths that, at the inspiration of the Spirit of wisdom, were offered to the Old Testament generations and are offered us as very useful lessons for life, in a word, you hear parimia, psalms, verses from psalms, with which various stichera or New Testament songs composed by the holy fathers, prokemenes, degrees, or antiphons based on psalms of degrees are sung. These Old Testament readings, psalms and songs serve as the basis, proof of the truth of the Christian faith, its divinity and salvific nature, the guarantee of the fulfillment in the future of all revelations, prophecies and prototypes that have not yet been fulfilled, and constitute the triumph of the Christian faith. You see with your own eyes the Divinity, the saving power of the Christian faith. Anyone who wants to be convinced of this can be told: come and see for yourself [cf. John 1:46]. What is the difference between home and public worship? For many argue that you can pray at home just like in church. The difference is big. There is no idea, no spirit in our textbooks on worship, dead scholasticism, a letter that kills the spirit, just a list of the order of prayers, readings, chants, rituals. We must put our soul into the textbook; we must ensure that the science of worship is, as far as possible, a faithful depiction of the very spirit of worship, its real purpose. Wonderful beauty in our worship, heavenly, wonderful consolation, the greatest sweetness for believing souls seeking peace and consolation in God; wonderful edification, the depth of the teachings of the Christian faith, or dogmas, wonderful healing for mourning and sinful souls, triumph for rejoicing souls, delight, joy. For example, in the Great Litany, what is the teaching? The fact that we are all one body, one [spirit] and therefore we must pray for everyone as for ourselves; that our Head is one - Christ, the Queen and Head of the mental creation 9 - the Mother of God, the fulfilled 10, the resting members - all the saints, that we must call on them in prayers as helpers and prayer books for our souls, to whom the grace is given to pray for us. Why are the same prayers often repeated: Lord, have mercy... Holy God... or the Trisagion according to Our Father? Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit... and others? What should the fallen and sinners say more often than to beg for mercy? My almsgiving is a mixture of consciousness of the need to give alms and some sympathy for those in need with stinginess, cruelty, sometimes envy (for giving a lot), pride, humiliation and neglect of the poor. This is how our alms are, how unclean it is. Lord, have mercy! Flesh and blood do not show You everything that is written in your books and 11 thy memorials, but the Heavenly Father, through His Angel, your Guardian. The Lord is the all-seeing Eye; all the righteous and the Mother of God primarily see in God all of us and all our needs, they hear our prayers, praises, thanksgivings, for they are one spirit with the Lord [1.6:17]. Glory to the Holy One, Consubstantial, Life-Giving and Indivisible Trinity, always, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen. Make me perfect in Thy paths, O Lord, that my steps may not move [Ps.16:5]. Most Pure Mother of God! You are above all praise and honor at all times, for You are the receptacle of Divine perfections. To sing your praises with a pure heart is bliss. Amen. Complete us, O Lady, with Your prayers. May our praise be favorable to You. Always bring our prayers to Your Son and our God, may He be merciful to us through Your intercession. How should we look at all people, saints and departed and still sinners and living on earth, for whom the Church prays in the litanies? – As members of one body of the Church. How to pray for sinners like yourself? With a sincere heart, with a perfect desire for all good for soul and body, especially spiritual salvation. How should one always behave in church during worship? With faith, reverence and fear of God, as in the house of God, where the eyes and heart of God are unceasing, day and night, where God, with those 12 times the brightest eyes of the sun, looks at those who come and pray and at those who do not pray, and either rewards the zealous with peace and forgiveness of sins, or punishes the careless with the deprivation of His grace. Why is the Most Holy Theotokos often invoked and glorified during divine services? - Because of Her greatest holiness and the greatest, invaluable benefits poured out through Her on the human race [by the Lord] and Himself, because through Her the Almighty pours out His Divine favor and His Divine bounties on us; She is God's favor towards mortals, God's boldness towards mortals, She is the opening of the doors of heaven 13. Censer in the church or incense. This name of the Lord is fragrant: like Thy name poured out as myrrh [Song. 1:2], like fragrant incense, pouring out His grace on everyone - and You will make Your saints fragrant! Fire. God is a consuming fire [Deut.4:24], and came down on the apostles in fire [Acts 2:1–4]; hearts burning in those who stand with faith and love, especially the hearts of the saints, who were burning and shining lamps [John 5:35] and who now live in the light of the face of God. The Christian himself is the temple of the Holy Spirit and must be holy in soul and body and come to the church of God for sanctification, enlightenment, consolation, and reinforcement. All good and sweet thoughts, feelings of tenderness, repentance, peace, joy, space are the beginning of future blessings and bliss. Strive, mountain, where there is an inexhaustible sea of ​​incorruptible blessings and bliss. And to mention this, why clergy do not cut their hair. The basis for this is in the Old Testament: Sampson and others. Jesus Christ himself is a symbol of spiritual and physical integrity. We place the sign of the cross on the forehead, heart and shoulders (ramens) to remind us that the Holy Trinity should be in all of us in our thoughts, in our hearts and in all our deeds, that we must love God with all our hearts, with all our thoughts and with all our strength, that the Holy Trinity enlightens our minds, enlivens our hearts and directs our activities, guides us on the path of salvation and helps in all our deeds. July 7, 1877. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly showed me help in the fierce struggle with opposing forces during the liturgy and overcame those who fought me. There was a strong struggle and extreme weakness of spirit and heart in this struggle because of yesterday’s consumption (fast day) of yogurt, which fell extremely heavily on my heart, like a twenty-pound weight. But after the victory of the Lord after communion of the Holy Mysteries, all the heaviness was destroyed, and I again learned by experience the good yoke and light burden of Christ (Matthew 11:30]. Glory to the Lord! Glory to His mercy and long-suffering! (The enemy was desperately wondering if I had offended my sexton by not allocating him from the income received from the housekeeper of the Petrov gymnasium for prayer to the mother in childbirth and baptism? I didn’t ask before, did he receive an income? It turned out today after mass that he received a good income - one ruble.) Oh, how good it is to be with the Lord and to please Him! Those who have experienced this know how great this bliss is on earth! Gentlemen, order-bearing crusaders! Do your crosses work miracles? If not, then why does the cross, being life-giving, not give life to you? Why does his desire hurt you? Because he became an object of search and ambition for you, you lost faith in Christ because of ambition. This means that the current distinctions of the godparents have lost their power through their search. Can we say with the Apostle the same thing as he: I do not want to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world [Gal.6:14]? The Apostle crucified the world with the cross, and he the world. And through the cross we cleave to the world, for the cross has become the honor of the world, which distributes it to its servants. The best distinction now for a Christian man is if he does not desire and does not seek the reward of the cross, but considers Christ his only reward, if all his glory is within, if he has been crucified to the world, crucified the flesh with passions and lusts, if he diligently calculates his sins, all his unworthiness, all his abomination, all his weakness, all his irresponsibility before God. The current honors of the cross exhaust all the ambition of Christians. Having Christ in my heart, I have the highest reward, and without Him, even if I were [awarded] with all the orders, I have only the ghost of a reward, which brings me dishonor instead of honor, death instead of life, languor instead of peace, crampedness instead of freedom, misfortune instead of happiness. I thank the Lord and the Mother of God for the all-night vigil on July 8, for reviving me with it, for the sweet tenderness, for the victory over the machinations of the adversary. July 8th. I thank the Lord, who showed me sovereign help through the prayers of the Most Holy Theotokos during all prayers and especially during the service of the liturgy, when the enemy rushes at me with all his fury in order to confuse, crush, and destroy me. Thus, by the grace of God, I overcame the enemy during the special litanies and then overcame the entire liturgy, standing above his ghosts and fears. At the great entrance he said the entire royal family; First of all, remember, Lord, I made a little mistake; behind the entire pulpit, all dismissal; at prayer services he spoke out everything, defeating the disembodied rebel with the grace of God. At the Liturgy, the Lord visited me with a bright thought, while I was saying the exclamation Fairly about the Most Holy One, that the Liturgy is an all-powerful, all-sanctifying, all-saving, all-pleasing service to God, for here the Only Begotten Son of God, the Beloved, is sacrificed for everyone, here all the Angels, the Mother of God, all the saints unite with us earthly ones in prayer, glorification, thanksgiving: patriarchs, forefathers, prophets, apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints, righteous people and all holy spirits. Here the Church makes a sacrifice of thanksgiving for the Mother of God and for all the saints, with whose prayers she begs God to visit us, here the Church prays to God for every Orthodox bishopric, rightly ruling the word of truth, for every priestly and monastic order, for the universe, for the holy Apostolic Church, for those who are in honorable residence (monks), for the emperor and the entire royal house, asking them from the Lord for a peaceful kingdom, so that we too may live in their silence in all piety and purity; about the Holy Synod and the local bishop, asks that the Lord grant them in peace, as many as 14, honest, healthy, long-living, the right to rule the word of truth. In the liturgy, everything comes together (heaven and earth) to propitiate the Lord, especially the only Intercessor of God and men, the Lord Jesus Christ [1.2:5]. July 9th. Saturday. I thank the Lord for his heavenly, miraculous help throughout today’s service, especially during the liturgy, and for the entire week, for His extraordinary, gracious help during the service of all services, for the whole gracious world, for all the space after sorrow and crampedness, for all the joy after the sorrow of sin, for all spiritual successes. But forgive me, my Lord, all the sins in whose image You were saddened, in whose image You were unfaithful, accursed. July 10. I thank the Lord for visiting me with His mercy and bounty during the all-night vigil in the Duma Church, for taking away [guilt] and for the tenderness of my heart, tearful from the visitation of the grace of the Holy Spirit. What I did badly was that in the evening I was carried away by a false appetite and ate fried fish left over from the previous day. I burdened myself with this (two perches), caused severe pain to the extremities of the foot of my left leg, slept badly, tossing from side to side, and what’s worse is that I offended the Spirit of grace with my satiety. I never, ever need to eat anywhere at night. Don't allow yourself this absurdity. My sides are full of vitality - they will last for two or three days, if I don’t eat at all during these two or three days, for by the grace of God I have not wasted the vital seeds of childbearing for many years. A person, gifted with the high and wonderful qualities of the image and likeness of God, naturally strives for God, his Prototype, the Original, the Primary Source, from which he received and constantly receives life, breath, light and everything necessary for existence and bliss; he is gifted with a mind that is capable of understanding the wisdom of God in the created world, the omnipotence of God, the ineffable beauty of God and naturally strives to glorify the Creator and Provider of creatures; he has a heart that feels on himself and on all creatures the infinite goodness of God and cannot help but repay God with all possible love for love, cannot help but glorify the infinite love of God. – And [here is] a natural need for praise and thanksgiving, for worship. But man, created in the image and likeness of God, fell into the ashes of sin and death, was subjected to infirmities, illnesses, sorrows, countless troubles, found everywhere, from which (especially sins) he could not get rid of himself - and now he was promised a Savior, Whom he had to wait for and in Whom he had to nourish his faith until His coming, cleansing and thanksgiving sacrifices were established, songs and doxologies were established and thanksgiving. So the promised Savior has come - people have been redeemed, restored, grace upon grace has been given to them [John 1:16], the Sacraments of grace have been established, and with them sublime prayer services and prayers of thanks and praise, which are extremely necessary and useful for sinful man, the weak, the ailing, subject to mortal aphids. Through these Sacraments, prayers, praises and thanksgivings, sinner man is cleansed, sanctified, enlightened, renewed, strengthened, nourished, delighted, enlivened, rejoices, united with his Lord, from Whom he often falls away through his sins. So much for the need for worship! Angels constantly serve God - pure, sinless, blessed, and in their service to God they always draw joy and bliss - should we, sinners, not serve the Lord, Whom we so often anger with our sins and iniquities and Whom we must propitiate every hour, lest we perish by our iniquities? Should we not glorify His goodness, mercy, long-suffering, salvation, help, protection from our enemies, His wisdom, omnipotence, holiness, truth, His ever-present, omnipresent, omniscience, all-bliss? Should we not thank Him for the fact that despite all our countless falls into sin we remain alive, prosperous, prosperous, satisfied with His gifts, pardoned, cleansed, saturated with His grace, comforted, joyful? Glory, glory, glory to His mercy and bounty! Bless, my soul, the Lord, and all that is within me, His holy name: bless, my soul, the Lord, and do not forget all His rewards: He who cleanses all your iniquities, who heals all your illnesses, and so on from the psalm to the end [Ps. 102:1–3]. July 11. I thank the Lord, who called me, unworthy, to serve the early liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church, who took away coldness and despondency from my soul and gave me tears of tenderness and completely unfailing service of the entire liturgy. I thank the Lord, who by His righteous judgment allowed me to be cruelly tempted by the devil’s malice through the vision of a beautiful beggar boy, a beggar [R...], and who solemnly delivered me from the hellish fiery poison of the serpent, which drowned and destroyed my soul. After that, I crowned the captain’s marriage very cheerfully, boldly, strongly, unfailingly to the end. July 17th. Resurrection. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate early mass in the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God, although with difficulty due to long non-service and long dispersion and intemperance in St. Petersburg and the surrounding area. As much from satiety, as much from a cold and rainy weather (it started to rain a lot during mass) and retention of perspiration (and from the lipstick on my head), I became hoarse during mass, especially while delivering my sermon. During mass, I felt in my heart that I had died in soul from long non-service of the liturgy, for I was very weak in spirit and body, having become impoverished in the grace that sowed the true water of life. At the beginning of the liturgy, I mourned my addiction to the world, my gluttony, this daily idolatry, my ambition, man-pleasing and fear of man (I once turned out to be faulty before Yanovsky); I often anger the Lord, every day, and I am careless about it; I do not tremble at Him, I do not correct myself, and every day I continue to offend him with my shortcomings and various addictions, and having unintentionally upset the person on whom I depend for service, I regret it, I am sick about it, because I depend on him for rewards and service in general. That's how damned, cowardly, earthly I am! But it’s time for me to completely turn to the Lord and correct myself, especially not to eat meat and to eat extremely little, because extremely little is needed at almost fifty years old, my age. I will propitiate the Lord with tears of repentance every day, with abstinence, alms, humility, meekness, obedience, purity and chastity, and spiritual wisdom. After early mass I fell asleep at home; The grace of God gave me a wonderful sleep, peaceful, sweet, strong, life-giving, while that night, when I was outside of grace due to sins, the sleep was heavy, restless, not life-giving, but tormenting. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy in me after receiving the Holy Mysteries: I was renewed, revived, cleansed, sanctified, strengthened by the life-giving Body and the life-giving Blood. Having recently been in St. Petersburg and in the St. Alexander Nevsky Monastery, I was captivated by the beautifully performed Vespers on the 13th of July (Cathedral of the Archangel Gabriel). What's your music? What's your best orchestra? - Nothing compared to this angelic singing. Visited the Most Reverend Vicar Varlaam 15, a friend at the Academy. He received me well, treated me kindly, treated me to Sauternes wine, and gave me his cards at my request. The Vetvenitsky fathers (my brother and nephew) swam in the lake; I was at mass in the Novoseltsevskaya Church, standing lazily, reluctantly, coldly (having lost the grace of God due to idleness and gluttony); I didn’t know why at the priest’s pie, ate and drank for nothing, and then at Ivan’s Alek., ate and drank again and returned with a cold in the throat, although it was hot. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer gave me the grace to perform the Sacrament of Baptism with the merchant Feodor Stepanovich Gerasimov with great boldness, heartily, unfailingly. 18. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to carry out the baptism of two babies without stumbling, heartily, boldly in two places: in the customs house and in Ivanova’s house on Vladimirskaya Street at the fruiter’s (from him, thank God, I ate quite a lot of strawberries and wild strawberries. His story is about the misfortune of the Smolensk peasants. I will certainly report to Fidelin for publication in “Golos”). 19. I thank the great-gifted Lord, who gave me the grace to boldly perform the farewell prayer and the blessing of water with the widow Kosheleva and her family; I thank you for the peace and gracious consolations during and after the prayer service. But then, when I was returning, turned onto Citadelnaya Street from Gospodskaya and met a lame Chukhonian, healthy in other parts, begging for alms, I reluctantly gave it to him, thinking why beggars go to Kronstadt from everywhere, but don’t beg in their place or in Rambov 16 (he gave ten kopecks). Then he again attacked the poor woman, who herself came up to ask, and reluctantly gave him a ten-kopeck piece; for all this I lost peace, freedom, boldness, consolation. Then, walking along the road, I repented and prayed to the Lord, and the Lord had mercy on me, accursed, gluttonous, stingy, money-loving, prodigal, greedy. I thank the Lord. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to glorify Him and His wondrous prophet Elijah by singing and reading at the All-Night Vigil, and who has conquered the spirits of wickedness in high places [Eph.6:12], who were at work in me, confusing and oppressing me, a sinner. The Lord sweetened and pacified me, and strengthened me with His service. This is my reward! Trust completely in the grace given to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ [1.1:13], expressing this complete trust in prayer, in life, and in teaching one another. And speak, and act, reprimand, always reprove meekly, with love - and those reproached will not be upset if they are decent people. Words from Father Timofey Valdai. Today I treated the voiceless sexton Polyglotov during the all-night vigil and his friend, a private man, harshly and not meekly. I am vouchsafed, accursed one, to perform, see and taste such a Sacrament, which the prophets and kings of the people of God longed to see and did not see, which the prophet Elijah himself, an ardent zealot for the glory of God, did not see. What kind of life should I lead, a truly heavenly life on earth, alien to all temporary addictions! How should I burn for my Lord Jesus Christ [love], who has been worthy of such great, heavenly, life-giving and terrible gifts! How am I living? In pleasures, in various passions, and therefore there is no sincere, fiery love for the Lord. July 20. Wednesday. At the end of the religious procession, my toes began to wring severely, probably from the damp earth, which had been soaked in abundance by the rain yesterday, or from the wheat food (cheesecakes), which I had eaten yesterday without a crumb of black bread. Wheat bread is harmful to me, as it is to scrofulous. It was such a pain that you could almost scream. My service in the Duma Assumption Church of the early liturgy was extremely painful, restless, and painful due to the terrible temptations of demons as a result of my gluttony and, in general, worldly addictions that overcame me. It began with a desire for a badge of distinction, with this crazy, feverish desire, which at once crushed and killed me, for spiritual wisdom is life and peace, and carnal wisdom is death [Rom.8:6]. The desire for rewards from people spoils and distorts all my relationships with God and people, humiliating me. I become all selfish, with earthly motives, ephemeral, unclean. The desire for reward gnaws at the soul and heart. For this is an extreme delusion - to seek a vain, transitory, like smoke, reward and not strive for a heavenly, eternal, true reward through correction of the heart and whole life, through truly valiant deeds, known more to God than to people. A true Christian does not seek rewards from people, so as not to humiliate his good deeds, which are done not for reward, but out of duty. He seeks rewards from the one God, doing deeds pleasing to God, especially internally, secretly, and externally, although not for show. If there is no reward from people, then you will be independent in all thoughts, words, deeds, you will be exalted in thoughts, feelings and deeds and pleasing to God, who looks at your heart. The desire for reward prevents a person from sincerely serving God and people and performing the heavenly Sacraments of our Orthodox faith. The desire and search for earthly rewards is a rejection of Christianity internally, in the disposition of the heart. The desire for reward is unbelief, the greatest hypocrisy, extremely contrary to God. For who are you, man? Damned and poor and poor and blind and naked [Rev.3:17]. Are you looking for fame from people? Don't you seek glory from God? Are you neglecting the correction? Thus, the ethereal enemy misleads us into the greatest delusion regarding ourselves with the desire for rewards. But why do we, many sinners, on the contrary, not desire for ourselves the reproof and punishment of the righteous, the shame of the righteous? Where is the path of humility, crying and tears, meekness, greed and thirst for truth, and not reward, where is varied alms, and not the pursuit of the favors of the earthly authorities? Where is the purity of heart? Where is the peace? Where is the zeal for the truth and the patience of persecution for its sake? Where is the patience for reproaches, expulsions, slander for the sake of the Lord? The desire for reward is directly contrary to the Lord’s beatitudes. July 25. Monday. Woe to me from my gluttony and my satiety! Yesterday I greedily ate yogurt with sour cream with black and white bread, and at night there was an extremely strong temptation for lust. I couldn’t sleep peacefully, it was hard for my entire being. Oh, damned man I am! He became enslaved to voluptuousness and subjugated the best to the worst, that is, the soul - the corruptible body, that which is in the image and likeness of God - the dust of the earth! Oh, worthless, unscrupulous, ungrateful! I thank the Lord, who punished me with the deprivation of His grace for the inner contempt of the homely and simple psalmist in [St. Isaac's] Cathedral and partly the deacon, and when I heartily, in the depths of my soul, repented of this feeling of hostility, who had mercy on me, giving me peace, freedom, light, tenderness, sweetness, boldness. Glory to Your omnipresence. Glory to Thy heart-knowledge! Glory to Thy truth! Glory to Your deliverance! Glory to Your prompt obedience, Lord! A remarkable example of humility, faith, hope, impartiality to the worldly honor of one peasant, who built a church and provided it with everything necessary: ​​they wanted to nominate him for a medal or order, but he generously and prudently refused, entrusting himself to the mercy of God. There is a lesson for us spiritual people: we are chasing orders and distinctions! But we don’t feed the Lord’s sheep! We do not separate the honorable from the unworthy 18 [Jer.15:19]! We do not restore the fallen! The closeness to us in God of the Lady Theotokos, the holy Angels and all the saints. July 25. What should we say to those who say that our priestly profession is boring matter: everything is the same? The same services, the same words, rituals, etc.? Firstly, not everything is always the same, but every day the divine service diversifies. The sacraments, let us assume, are the same and are always performed in the same way. But the sun is the same, appears on the horizon in the same way every year and every day, shines equally and animates creatures in the subsolar, and the stars are the same, and the moon is the same; the fruits of the earth are the same and in the same forms and tastes are created annually by God and equally nourish living [bodily] organic creatures. What is the subject of worship? - Infinite God, His infinite goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, truth, holiness, eternity, His Providence, His redemptive actions, His miracles, teaching, life, suffering, death, burial, resurrection, ascension to heaven, second coming. What about the spirit of worship? – The all-encompassing love of the Church for everyone, sacredness, truth, hope in the mercy of God, repentance, hope for eternal life. And the ideal of worship is the all-perfection of man, perfect likeness to God through various virtues - a wonderful ideal!!! In accordance with the high goal, ideal and subject of worship, it should be performed majestically, harmoniously, beautifully. July 26. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me and revived me when I, mortified by the sin of anger at the servant Anna, who brought a small slander against me, brought repentance to the Lord and a prayer for mercy, revival and renewal. I glorify His prompt obedience, kindness and goodness. Pavel Ipatovich Romanov - a man who does not believe in anything sacred, a materialist, naturalist, deist and nihilist - has had enough of everything. He does not recognize the saints, their relics, their miracles, he does not even recognize Saint Nicholas the Wonderworker, he does not recognize Saint Mitrophanius of Voronezh, he does not believe in the immortality of the soul, in God’s judgment of sinners and in eternal torment, he does not believe in the Gospel - he considers it an invention of people, he does not believe in Jesus Christ as the Savior and the God-man (oh woe, oh our misfortune!). He thinks that a person should live only to eat, drink, collect money, enjoy carnal lust, etc. Where does this come from in him? Obviously, he is not the only one who thinks so, but many. (Even Father Pavel Trachevsky is a similar unbeliever, although he hides behind a mask.) The word is against such people! Thunder against these! To the evil spirit who tempts me during public prayer: the lie 19 is to fear the Lord alone, and not people or you, the evil spirit, confusing and puncturing me, and you, the evil spirit, are deceitful in this, seducing me to fear not God, but people, who are all sinners and among whom there is no perfect righteous person and who are all bad judges. Judge not, lest ye be judged... why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not feel the plank in your own eye? [Matthew 7:1-3]. You pray to God and the Most Holy Theotokos to deliver you from passions, but you yourself daily add fuel to the passions: you become satiated, get drunk, and feast on them. Isn’t it nonsense: to create with one hand and destroy with the other and lie before God and deceive yourself? The riches of glory, the riches of deification, the greatest honor and glory were granted to us unworthy by the Lord in Baptism, Confirmation, and Communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ. What are we looking for on earth, what kind of glory? Of course, vain, because we are looking for, striving for distinctions, awards, crosses and orders. Madmen, we ourselves don’t know what we are looking for and why, and we don’t understand that with these searches we humiliate ourselves, proving our moral emptiness, the baseness and groveling of our soul, earthly, not heavenly, wisdom. But why don’t we look for internal crosses, crucifying the flesh with passions and lusts, looking at the visible and not looking at the invisible, for the visible is temporary, but the invisible is eternal [2.4:18]? Why do we not remember the great saints of God who endured all kinds of torment, exile, wanderings, torment, and violent death instead of the praise, gratitude, honors, contentment, and peace that were due to them? Remember the righteous who wandered in the mountains and dens and abysses of the earth, the righteous of whom the whole world was not worthy [ Heb. 11:38 ]! Remember Elijah, the prophets Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Jonah! Remember the great Forerunner of the Lord. What great righteous people they were, what friends of God - and how they lived, how they suffered! And the apostles, whose rank we hold, how did they live, with what selflessness, in what daily labors, how much torment did they endure? They did not even think about earthly differences, but strived for heavenly glory, for incorruptible crowns. Almost all of them are crucified on crosses. How long is the madness of gluttony, satiety, delicacy? How long will eating and drinking greedily last at night? How long will these long walks last, taking so much time away from reading, writing, doing good, and contemplating God? July 28. I thank the Lord for the great and swift mercy shown to me this morning (Thursday) after Matins, at the end of which I was displeased with Father Deacon Sofronov for his inhospitability towards me and for evading greetings. It was my sin of pride, pride, ambition and anger. I repented of this secretly for half an hour; finally, having come to church, I fell down before the throne of God, asking for mercy from Him who sat on it and saying to myself the words of the Apostle: Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need [Heb. 4:16], - and immediately the Lord had mercy on me: like a burden, sin fell from me and it became light, easy. I praise the Lord. July 29, 1877. After a long non-service of the liturgy, after a long period of revelry, inactivity, gluttony, satiety, wine drinking and various delicacies with breaking the fast (at Brown’s), I had to experience today during the service of early mass in the Duma Church serious intrigues and violence from the spirits of malice, from unclean spirits, such as: confusion, cramped conditions, fear, burning. But I thank the Lord, who enabled me to perform the Liturgy evenly, in a clear and loud voice, with a heartfelt reprimand of all exclamations, and to partake of His holy, most pure, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. For long-term inaction, intemperance, I did not feel in myself that life-giving fire and that sweetness that I had previously received, serving more worthily. We must mourn our sins and live in labor. Grant me unshakable boldness, Lord! Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit in my womb [Ps. 50:12]. Late in the evening, the spirit of malice crashed into my heart at the memory of the malice, pride and deceit of my sister-in-law Anna Tsvetkova, who called girls, albeit poor ones, as if to protect herself, as her bodyguards, in the absence of my wife, and tormented me for a long time (for about an hour), although I prayed to God from time to time to drive him away; Finally, I decisively repented of my madness to return evil for evil and prayed to the Lord to deliver me from the spirit of malice, to crush its jaws, and the Lord delivered me from evil and the spirit of malice and gave me peace, freedom, life. Glory to the Lord! Whoever sincerely prays to God in church or at home and glorifies Him with His saints is with God, and sin does not touch him, and whoever does not pray either at home or in church is constantly with sin and in sins and, therefore, with the devil. He who does not gather with Me scatters, says the Lord [Matthew 12:30]. This is the great benefit of always praying to God: the fruit of this is salvation, peace, freedom from passions, space, joy in the Holy Spirit, strengthening of the soul. Glory to God, who has given us communion with Himself in prayer, praise and thanksgiving to Him. July 30. Saturday. I have no heartfelt loyalty to the Lord not a single day: I am divided in two every day, and good and evil are in me, and evil seems to prevail, and more and more through everyday addictions to everyday things and objects in my heart due to my negligence and passion; The devil has set up many idols, which I worship willy-nilly and which daily torment my soul, plunging it into sorrow, oppression, powerlessness, and servility. Meanwhile, I have experienced countless times that to work for the Lord, to cleave to Him alone, to love Him alone with the rejection of all worldly, vain worries and worries is the perfect bliss of the soul. We are all idolaters to a greater or lesser extent every day. But teach us, Lord, to do Your saving will, to love You with all our hearts, to trust in You alone, to fulfill Your all-saving commandments. Teach me to fight victoriously against [my] passions: anger, malice, envy, pride, ambition, gluttony, satiety, greed, fornication, laziness, negligence, deceit, selfishness, etc. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of salvation from the devil’s hostility towards Sister Anna K.Ts., from sorrow and hardship, and who gave me peace, space, boldness, strength, and intelligent light 20 . I praise Him who saves me. Who is like You in God, O Lord [Ps.85:8]? Here is a new miracle: as I asked, so You fulfilled, Lord! Sister Anna is now spiritually healed, reconciled with me and sent both little ones to express their affection to me. And for this I glorify and thank You, the wonderful God of my Savior. Amen. I thank the Lord for the grace of the unfaltering one, with the boldness of serving the All-Night Sunday Vigil at the beginning of my regular service. July 31st. I thank the Lord for the great mercy of deliverance from the despondency and closeness of heart that befell me as a result of the disclosure of the imaginary virtues and imaginary holiness of my peasant woman Paraskova Kovrigina in Peterhof - and where? In the palace, to the empress. I prayed for a long time in repentance, and the Lord heard me and saved me. I don’t eat meat: I suffer for it, and after eating it, I need a lot of exercise - it’s very nutritious. But I need plant foods: fruits, berries, cabbage, cucumbers, greens. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the entire liturgy without stumbling and to speak with animation about the liturgy (about the canon of the Eucharist). I thank the Lord, who consoled me twice with His glorious salvation before the liturgy (before the litany for the youth Alexander in the house of Yak. Al. Murashov at the widow’s) and after the litany, when I was walking along the road, seeing off the deceased, and the enemy confused me. The Lord delivered me again through inner prayer. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me at this hour through the prayer of faith, in heartfelt repentance. Even at the christening in the church, the enemy embarrassed, constrained and began to burn my insides at the memory of my excessive silver-gilded cross, lying unused, which could be sold and the proceeds could be distributed to the poor. But I am afraid of causing disagreement and enmity with my wife (Lord, grant me to cast aside this fear), who knows about this cross and is watching to see if I sell it and give the money to the poor. My wonderful treasure is the Lord Jesus Christ, He is everything to me: belly, breath, deliverance from the shame and oppression of sin, He is my cover, the cover of glory and strength, He is my help in all good endeavors and deeds. I am wretched, poor, poor, blind and naked - He ennobles me, ennobles me with His grace and Divinity, cleanses the defiled by sins, clothes the naked, comforts the sad, strengthens the weak, enlightens the darkened, sanctifies the sinner, delivers those who are raped from demons and evil people and allows them to walk in freedom. Wonderful Treasure, all-rich, most sweet Treasure, my Treasure, Lord Jesus Christ. Every day I rejoice in Him, in His salvation, in His mercies, in the joys of deliverance. We thank the Lord for a pleasant, prosperous summer. There are wonderfully warm and pleasant, clear days at the end of July. And before there were quite frequent and very heavy rains. Fruits, vegetables, bread, berries, mushrooms go great. I, a sinner and unworthy, have already tasted enough of the fruits of the earth, especially sweet berries: strawberries, strawberries, currants, blueberries. I thank our Heavenly Father, Creator, Lord, Provider and Savior for the pleasant gifts. Always grant us the fruits of our hearts that are pleasing to You, O Lord! Instead of the freedom granted by the sovereign to his people, debauchery of morals appeared everywhere: shamelessness, immodesty of women, infidelity, drunkenness, debauchery, gambling of men and sometimes women, demoralization, shamelessness of the press (immoral pictures), shamelessness and immodesty of painters in their picturesque sketches. In a word, the world, adulterous and sinful, lies in evil (1 John 5:19). What should priests do? Seeing and not seeing and hearing not hearing? But this is a grave sin. We would then be like dumb dogs who cannot bark [Is. 56:10]. Women and girls often come to church only for show. Creation (church glory) – re-creation, renewal. Rejoice, Head of the mental creation [Russian: Rejoice, Originator of spiritual rebirth] (Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, ikos 10). Complete (church glory) - make perfect, sanctify; approve, complete, implement. Memoria (French) – notes made for memory (cf. memoirs). Tma (darkness) (church glory) – ten thousand; the darkness of topics is countless. Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, ikos 3rd and 4th. Whole (church-glorified) - meaning simple, pure, unbroken, immaculate. Varlaam (Chernyavsky; 1819–1889), from September 9, 1876 - Bishop of Vyborg, vicar of the St. Petersburg diocese. From July 26, 1880 until his death - Bishop of Minsk and Turov. Rambov is the popular name for the city of Oranienbaum, now the city of Lomonosov. Contempt (church glory) – pride, arrogance, disrespect. If you extract the precious from the worthless, you will be like My mouth (Jer. 15:19). Lepo (Church Glav.) – decent, appropriate; ok, useful. Smart (church-glory)–spiritual.