Июль 1878 года

July 1st. Saturday. My eye is still crafty and envious, it still cannot look with indifference at the well-being of my neighbor, especially of a lower degree: so today the merchant Gulyaev gave a ruble separately to the sexton Zrelov, and three rubles in my fraternal circle, and I envied the sexton’s larger share, and there was an ulcer in my heart, and confusion, and crampedness, and sorrow. (It was at nine o’clock in the morning.) For a long time I struggled with my pride, envy, greed, and love of money. He repented, crying out to God in his heart, walking along the road: everything was crowded; Finally he entered the cathedral, fell heartily at the throne of mercy, deliverance and salvation - and was healed both in soul and body. And the Lord punished me for being full: in the morning I ate black bread with butter, but Gulyaev had two pieces of cheese. I thank the Lord. An evil man brings forth evil from his evil treasure [Matthew 12:35; Luke 6:45]. I am this evil man, Lord! So, from my evil heart, I expressed an evil desire and an evil word against the rector Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky for removing a tree with green leaves from the church garden, again planted by the headman, who was upset by this willful and unreasonable action of the rector. I wished in my heart and in my words that he himself would be torn away from the land of the living. Too much for one tree, although it is true that he has done and continues to do a lot of lies. Forgive me, Lord! The beggar, who deceived me many times and received money (alms) by deception and drank it away, was driven away from him with his kicks when he importunately approached me. Sinned [by beating] and being angry with him. I have fallen away from love; Your law, O Lord, has destroyed everything, for the whole law consists in love for one’s neighbor. After the all-night vigil. I received great mercy before the Vigil itself and especially during it, at the beginning and then from my Lord Jesus Christ. I was internally bound and burned with Gehenna fire for an evil word about the rector, may the Lord delight him from the earth for the uprooting of a large green tree planted at the church by the support of the selfless ktitor Nikitin and for the harsh, evil treatment of a beggar who had deceived me many times. But after I proclaimed the glory of the Life-Giving Trinity and began to read the repentant psalm from a sincere heart during censing, God’s mercy poured into my soul, the bonds of sin were broken, the oppression passed, the satanic fire went out and the gracious dew cooled my heart: I came to life and became enlightened, I was at peace, comforted, and served the entire all-night vigil with great tenderness. Glory to the abyss of God’s mercy, the abyss of His bounty and goodness, the merits of the Lord Jesus Christ. The lesson is that I should never become embittered, so that I may not reject God’s mercy from myself. The Lord had mercy on me because in my soul I made peace with the beggar who deceived me, and gave him ten kopecks for bread. Forgave it to my debtor, and the Lord forgave me my debts. Let me remember that when I do good to another, I do it to myself, for we are one body of many [1.10:17], and I measure according to the least measure, and it will be measured to me, according to the word of the Lord [Matthew 7:2]. I sinned before the Lord and His saints out of cowardly fear, which comes from the devil, - I did not pronounce the names of the holy apostles Andrew the First-Called and Peter and Paul, and the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky, and in prayer Christ, the true Light of the words to do Thy commandments. After a walk at ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I was angry with my wife for her disobedience, self-will and stubbornness (she wouldn’t let me open the window in the hot weather in the evening, she watered the flowers excessively, contrary to my advice and my request), I was embarrassed and hurt in my soul. After a prayer of faith and hope and after abandoning all my evil towards her, the Lord had mercy on me, giving peace to my soul. Oh Lord! Create in our souls a strong love, from which we fall away because of empty things. Man's anger does not create God's righteousness [James 1:20]. Take away from us forever, forever the madness of enmity and mutual hostility, even if it is the shortest, for from short-term it can turn into long-term, bitter, incurable. Addiction to everyday things is often the cause of troubles and quarrels between people. Therefore, one must be content with only what is necessary and willingly give up what is unnecessary to others if a quarrel threatens to occur over things that are in excess. Do not prevent the one who takes away your outer clothing from taking your shirt too [Luke 6:29]. Peace and love are considered higher and dearer than anything else. July 3. Deliver me, Lord, from the sedition of the enemy: yesterday I was very dissatisfied with my wife and asked her for punishment from God in grief and hostility [of spirit], but then in my soul I reconciled with her and asked myself and her for the enlightenment of the eyes of the heart and the fulfillment of my deeds according to my conscience. Today I was extremely dissatisfied with the Father Superior, especially since he receives a lot from the fraternal income, but he himself does little work in the parish and does not give to the poor and is generally stingy and greedy for money. But I, by the grace of God, realized that it was the primordial enemy and my passions working in me: self-love, lust, pride, enmity, envy, greed and love of money, ill will. In truth, which of us is worthy of God's gifts, and so generous? Nobody. We can only sincerely thank God for His abundant gifts, tuna, undeservedly poured out on us, and not envy, but be kind to each other and live in love, zealously fulfilling the deeds of our calling, and look at the future rewards, awaiting the righteous judgment of God to each and everyone. Here we must all obey each other in simplicity of heart. Lord, have mercy on me and deliver me from the sedition of the serpent. Once upon a time the enemy fixed my greedy and envious eye of the heart on the prosphyra maker, which makes small prosphyras, today - on the abbot. O most crafty enemy! Get away from me! Christ God will marry you, for I am His servant, although a sinner. Am I not full, am I not very full? Am I not very abundant in everything? And how many and how poor there are! God is my treasure, my wealth, my glory, my strength and His grace, wonderful, merciful, quickening, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening, beautifying, strengthening, attracting souls. Because of two things, I was subjected to embarrassment and oppression from ethereal enemies: from three prosphyras taken on account of the brethren for distribution at discretion, and from pity for smoking the St. Annin (order) ribbon with incense smoke (at a prayer service). In the first case, I was embarrassed and speechless at the great entrance, in the second, while reading the Gospel at the blessing of water. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the Sunday liturgy with tenderness and tears (after the great entrance to the end), to pronounce all the exclamations in prayer without stumbling, to say my teaching and to finish the liturgy completely with the recitation of all the names of the saints. The evening's great satiety (egg, black bread with butter for the night) greatly aggravated my heart and was the cause of my heart powerlessness and demonic confusion (at the great entrance). Don't eat or drink anything at night. July 3. Monday. Today I slept for quite some time after Matins and overslept the urgent time of mass, so I came to church at ten o’clock instead of nine and a half; This was extremely unpleasant for me, I was in an extreme hurry, lost heart, was embarrassed, irritated, and barely calmed myself down with the prayer of faith; At the great entrance the enemy became confused, and out of cowardice I did not pronounce all the names of the royal house. He received life-giving communion, but after mass, under the influence of a judgment about the rector, he became embarrassed, felt the oppression and was embittered towards him, and having come home with a man who demanded a metric certificate, and seeing the disorder in the affairs of the rector, he became even more embittered towards him and was subjected to greater oppression and fire, and therefore began to strongly repent of his sins, his ardor, passion, anger, impatience, in my madness, and the Lord performed in me the greatest miracle of deliverance and salvation. I felt the dew of grace, peace, freedom, space within me. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who plucked me from the jaws of the hellish serpent through a prayer of faith and deep repentance before the memorial service for retired Captain General Vasily Afanasyev. Spiritual death befell me for being hard-hearted and stingy towards a beggar, whom I drove away from me in anger when he, dissatisfied with the alms given, strenuously asked for more money. When I impartially examined myself, being in a state of sorrow and distress over the sin I had committed, I found in myself many sins, from which my unrighteous anger arose, namely: self-love, voluptuousness, love of money, pride, hard-heartedness, malice, envy, untruth, so that with this one act I destroyed the entire law of God, which consists in loving one’s neighbor. Glory to the Lord, who accepted my repentance and graciously had mercy on me. It was sweet to feel in my soul deliverance from the bonds of hell and death and to taste peace, salvation, space, freedom, boldness, and strength. We live in the kingdom of miracles, that is, in the spiritual kingdom of the Holy Trinity, in the Church of God, and the first, greatest miracle in it is the miracle of the incarnation of God, the incarnation of God the Word and the miracle of the birth of the husbandless Mother, who gave birth to the God-man, and Her exaltation above all creatures, above the most luminous Cherubim and fiery Seraphim. This miracle is glorified in its heritage in the Church of God. How elevated humanity is by this miracle of the incarnation of God! How favored, how beloved, how miraculously saved from deserved eternal punishment, from the righteous curse of God, honored by rebirth, honored with a heavenly inheritance! This is worthy of eternal praise! And in the Apocalypse this praise of those saved by the Lord is depicted [Rev. 19:1–9]. We must mutually love the Lord and love each other as members of one body under the Head of Christ. 4. I thank the Lord for deigning me to perform Matins and early Liturgy without stumbling, and for miraculously reviving me through the Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord for helping me against internal enemies and overcoming them by me, or even more so by the grace of Christ, during the service at the cemetery (during the funeral service) over the body of Anna Ivanova Lemokhina. Many times they tried to overthrow me, but the Lord overthrew them by my faith in the power of the most pure Mysteries that I accepted. 5. I thank the Lord for the greatest miracle of His mercy and salvation over me and the sexton Zrelov, when I, irritated with him because of a poor woman, strongly scolded him in front of many witnesses in the apartment of the prosphyr girl. I was in fire, oppression, sorrow, shame, death, but I repented with all my heart, and the Lord revived me, having mercy on me and giving me peace, boldness and unfaltering service of the liturgy and the general prayer service of the Blessed Water. July 6. Thank God: the day is hot, clear, this is the fourth day. Before, there were torrential rains. The day of my mother's death. Remember her, Lord! Yesterday, during the cathedral memorial service for Captain General [...] Afanasyev, ethereal enemies extremely chilled me with all sorts of temptations (in the cathedral at seven o’clock in the evening). God! Deliver me from the bad, blissful, dreamy spirit, from the spirit of confusion and fear, cowardice, from the spirit that oppresses and oppresses the soul, lust, greed, anger, pride, envy, etc. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Matins with great boldness and tenderness. After Matins, I was moved to anger and indignation at Alexandra Nikiforovna Berzina for her, as it seemed to me, restless disposition and self-praise and for disrupting the wedding of her poor goddaughter Evdokia. It turned out that she, Alexandra Nikiforovna, was not to blame, but was a humble woman and a servant of God. But I was greatly indignant and hurt by the enemy and repented for a long time, prayed to the Lord, and finally the Lord had mercy in the courtyard of our church house, where I repented, walking on an earthen panel. Man has opened the door wide to sin. Glory to the streams of the Holy Spirit, life-giving, cleansing, enlightening, strengthening, merciful, joyful. The promises of God are her and amen [2.1:20], all are true, justified together [Ps. 19:10], and therefore, in worship, prophetic books, especially the Psalter, are constantly read. Everything will come true. The love of this world is incompatible with the love of God, therefore self-sacrifice or hatred of the world, or its corrupt customs, the devil, the passions is necessary - war against them. I live in vain and in vain, delighting and fattening my flesh with food and drink and collecting clothing and various things, for the end of all this is corruption and destruction. May I satisfy and decorate and enrich the soul with good deeds. With the means given by God - through alms and tears, cleanse your sins. How I, having a vicious thought and a passionate heart, live as if I had an uncorrupted nature, as if I had no need for spiritual weapons, as if there was no warfare in me, no struggle with passions and with the spirits of evil in high places. How I do not fast according to the instructions of the Church, do not mortify my body and do not enslave [1.9:27], when it so strongly dominates the spirit, corruption over immortality, over the image and likeness of God! How I eat and drink as much as I want every day! What does this mean? The Church on earth is the center of true, spiritual, heavenly life, the center of shrines, the truth of God, wisdom, strength, the peace of God, true freedom. If you carry in your heart hostility towards your brother, even for his unbelief, hard-heartedness towards the poor, for persecuting you because of piety, then your prayers and alms are unpleasant to God. Love your enemies, according to the word of the Gospel [Matthew 5:44], pray for them, have pity on them, show them kindness and due respect if they are your bosses. Leave the judgment to God. I thank the Lord, who took away sorrow and oppression from my heart during the liturgy through my persistent prayer and gave me tears of tenderness during the most important part of the liturgy. I thank the Lord, who revived and renewed me through the communion of His most pure Mysteries and gave me the strength to utter the exclamation of the funeral litany at the cathedral requiem without stumbling and in full. What does it mean, what sign does Europe’s obstacle to liberate our fatherland Russia, after such a victorious war on our part for the liberation of Christians, to liberate unfortunate Christians from the yoke of Turkey? This means that in Europe now there is no Christian faith with its heavenly fruits of truth, love, peace, unanimity, that its place has been taken by petty interests, selfishness, it means that God will laugh at the wisdom of this age, which has fooled 143 to the end, and will accomplish the work of liberating Christians from the yoke of vile Muslims with His untested 144 destinies. July 7. How will you get rid of a prodigal heart and prodigal flesh if you do not fast, avoiding fast foods, especially meat, and other fasting foods, such as fish, sweets, if you do not depress yourself with labors, vigils, long prayers, and contemplation of God? After mass. I thank the Lord, who granted me a great victory over malice after communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for a new victory over anger when, after mass, I came to the garden and encountered inappropriate contradiction and loudness from my wife (my dog ​​barked at me, and I threatened her with a cane, and my wife was upset at this) and became angry with her. But then he sincerely condemned himself for the madness of his anger and the illogicality of his actions, for falling away from love; came to the conviction that we must overcome evil in ourselves and in others with good [Rom.12:21]. This is the right remedy. So, pray for yourself and for others, for everyone is sick with sin, everyone is [one] sinful scab. I thank You, Lord, my Judge and Sorcerer, for Thou didst extinguish the inflammation of anger in me when, in heartfelt, deep repentance, I fell to Your mercy and condemned myself from the bottom of my heart in the madness of anger at my wife for her disobedience. The mistakes and sins of our neighbors are healed or corrected not by bitterness, but by meekness towards them, just as our own sins and passions are healed not by new orgies, but by the opposite good deeds - meekness, humility, gentleness, abstinence, purity, self-condemnation, mercy, generosity, firmness, justice, sincerity, diligence. Evil must be uprooted from the heart. July 8. I confess to the Lord with all my heart, for He looked upon me in the hour of distress of my soul and quickly delivered me for my repentance and my faith. I was going to late mass in the cathedral, and I met several young people asking for alms (they often go every day, living with nothing to do, which they cannot find). I got angry and shouted at them - oh, damn! oh, pride! oh, love of money! oh, stinginess! oh, envy! oh, cruelty! Oh, spiritual murder! oh, insanity in vanity! oh, voluptuousness! I realize that all these sins lay in my actions with the poor! And I was punished by God’s justice with great sorrow and hardship, which forced me to immediately turn to God in repentance! Glory to my gracious and beneficial God, who heard me quickly and delivered me from fierce sorrow. The same sorrow and misfortune befell me during mass after the Cherubic Song, when I heard strong [discord] in the singing of Dometiy Semenovich Isaev, a gardener, and was offended by him, became embittered by the action of the devil: oh, how hard it was for me! My service has become insincere, and in such great moments when I should be completely enveloped in the flame of love for God and for people redeemed by the blood of His Son! Only when I sincerely condemned myself and justified the singing brother, for he sang diligently, from the heart, God had mercy on me and drove the serpent out of my soul. Oh, I never get angry with anyone for any reason! For malice is always inexcusable, no matter what plausible pretext it may have! I thank the Lord for His mercy! If my Lord had not had mercy on me who sinned daily and often, then I would have perished long ago from my passions, from this flame of hell that kindles in me and is strongly fanned by Satan and devours me at the hour of being carried away by passions, for example, anger, envy, covetousness, voluptuousness and others. The Lord daily raises me from the hell of passions, daily grants me the rebirth of salvation, renewal, revives my soul, killed by passions! Glory to the abyss of His mercy and bounty! July 9. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who wonderfully provides for the poor through His chosen ones: Stepanida Avvakumovna gave me fifty rubles for the poor in May, and fifty rubles for clothes, some others gave little by little; her sister gave fifteen rubles for the poor today. Glory to Thee, Lord! Grant them health and salvation, Lord! I thank the Lord for giving me a new life in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. Today it was very difficult to serve: from yesterday’s satiety with cookies and berries, my chest and throat were clogged, and I could hardly serve. I was annoyed that I had to serve a lot more, and the rector and Father Peter received very little, but the rector received much more than me, Father Peter equally; but I repented, thinking that I was serving the Lord, the Lord Himself, for His property, for His people, and I calmed down. Glory to the Lord, who has enlightened me and had mercy on me. The Holy Church is priceless and most desirable for a Christian, because from her he receives cleansing of sins, sanctification, which is necessary for him as much as sunlight or air is necessary for the body, revitalization, affirmation, peace, spiritual freedom, light, strength, consolation. He who does not respect the Church is senseless and rude. 10. The evening and morning services of the Orthodox Church are communion and merging of the earthly, militant Church with the heavenly, triumphant Church, especially in the stichera and canons; members of the earthly Church remember and glorify the exploits of the saints of God, ask for their intercession for themselves before God, express a desire to imitate their exploits and achieve the heavenly patronymic common to all. However, in its main and constant, unchanging parts, the evening and morning services are the glorification and thanksgiving of the Lord for the creation of the world and man and for the wise and all-good, unsleeping Providence for all creatures and for the special, supernatural Providence of God for the salvation of the fallen and perishing human race, for the descent to earth of the Son of God, or for His incarnation, and for all His saving deeds in the flesh and teaching Him, for suffering, death and burial for us, for the resurrection from the dead and the ascension into heaven and for the sending of the Divine Spirit on believers and the renewal that He accomplished and is accomplished in believers. July 11. At night there was a light rain and watered the parched land. God bless! Since the beginning of July, the weather has been excellent and stormy. The worm of sin does not die in me and devours me, and I think it does in other people like me. Why are we dozing? Let us kill him by the grace of Christ, before he has killed us completely. May Thy mercy be upon us, O Lord, help us for Thy name's sake! July 16. Resurrection (the previous days I had been walking in St. Petersburg and beyond the Vyborg outpost with my brother-in-law Ivan Afanasyevich Vetvenitsky in a country hospital, in the majestic and wondrous forests). At night there was a prodigal dream. I got up at night and prayed. I wanted to write a lesson for today and didn’t write it because of gluttony. Forgive me, Lord, the sin of omission and all my sins. Fornication, in addition to bodily corruption, introduces terrible corruption into the immortal soul, introduces into it the seed of lawlessness, infects it with soul-sucking, nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts and feelings, takes away the grace of God, which gives man true life, holiness, peace, silence, brightness of face, strength to virtue. Fornication terribly infects the soul and body. 17. Monday. Late last night I developed a severe headache with the tendency to vomit; At night, my head hurt especially badly, the tendency to vomit increased even more, but when I relaxed well, then both my head and my whole body felt very easy, although the pain had not completely disappeared. As far as I understand, this pain occurred from a clogged stomach (I repeatedly ate a little after dinner in the evening, in two houses), after dinner I ate a lot of berries (strawberries and raspberries), then slept, then drank tea with cream - all this together had an unfavorable effect on my stomach and head. I thank the Lord for delivering me from severe pain. Science tells me not to eat anything at night and not to eat several times in a row. The carving of icons and people expresses the unity of the heavenly and earthly Churches and the unity of the Head of both, the grace of the Holy Spirit, manifested in the saints with the fragrance of many different virtues, manifested in the earthly Church in the fragrance of good deeds, in tearful repentance, in love and mercy, abstinence, meekness and gentleness, in purity and chastity. To love the Lord with all your heart means not to leave any room for sin in him. We do not have the logic of heartfelt life, that is, reasonable, consistent, thorough. Most of our hearts judge, feel, and act stupidly, unfoundedly, and disastrously. I am the abomination of desolation, standing in the holy place. Gird up your sword... [Ps.44:4]. With this spiritual sword of the Holy Spirit you must cut off your passions and the passions of people, and also defeat heresies and schisms. For us, the apostles are ministers of restoration and reconciliation with God, sanctification and immortality. The priest’s indifference to ordinary food and drink and greed and thirst for the Body and Blood of the Savior, the wealth of the heart, love for God and people, disdain for sweets and acquisitions. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also [Matthew 6:21]; the treasure of the heart is in heaven - and the heart is in heaven; treasure (object of love) on earth - and the heart will creep on earth. Antiphons - apostles and prophets rejoice. Attachment to this life is death for the soul. Contempt for the dangers and fears of demons. 19. Morning. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer delivered me from the lust that enticed me at the sight of the good maiden. But grant me, O Master, to keep in purity, in accordance with the image in me and in others, and trample on all carnal pleasures. You don’t need to drink sweet tea, or drink it rarely: it fills your entire insides with a flame of voluptuousness. God! Grant me the grace to sincerely, holyly, firmly perform a memorial service for your departed servant Zakharova. July 20. Temptations today: when I came to take out the deceased Zakharova, I prayed and bowed to everyone, and everyone answered me the same, except for Zakharova’s daughter, the class teacher at the girls’ gymnasium. I thought that she was doing this out of pride and succumbed to mutual (as I thought) contempt and bitterness towards her, which extremely confused me and wounded me to the point that I could not say goodbye; Walking along the road in vestments, I repented, prayed, condemned, reproached, mercilessly denounced myself and for a long time could not get rid of the demon of anger and pride that was eating me up; Already in the church (Dumskaya Uspenskaya), having deeply repented and again condemning myself for pride, anger, madness, lust and other passions, I was honored with God’s mercy and the forgiveness of my sins. My God! Now fornication torments me, now malice and covetousness, now gluttony! How vigilantly the invisible villain catches me, how terribly he devours me when he manages to tempt me, and how I suffer in his inhuman, greedy, all-consuming jaws! Woe to me, wretched, passionate one! In the church, during mass, the enemy repeatedly pestered me with concern for prosphyra (extra, for distribution), so right before the great entrance, the watchman Nikolai thrust a prosphyra at me, saying that I could take it; I hurriedly took out the particles, but not heartily, untruthfully, thinking of someone to take them out for, and this embarrassed me, so that at the great entrance I got confused and did not pronounce the names of the royal family; then, after the completion of the Sacrament, he was embarrassed when pronouncing the words First, remember, Lord... namely: grant them to Thy Saints in peace, whole, honest, healthy, long-living; I missed a few words at the prayer behind the pulpit (because of Burov, to whom I sent the prosphira, but, remembering how rudely he treated me, I felt sorry for it). I didn't say everything about the release. He did not mention Saint John Chrysostom, Saint Joseph the Songwriter, or the Holy Blessed Prince Alexander Nevsky. Forgive and do not remember, Lord, and fill with the grace of Your Holy Spirit what is impoverished. I thank You, Lord, for You have given me the grace to cheerfully, boldly, and unfailingly pray at the honorary citizens of Philip Stepanov and Nikolai Sidorov, [far] and insincerely holding on to their spiritual fathers. I asked for this grace, and You gave it to me. Reader Adrian Nikitin, hired by the rector, extremely upset me yesterday and today: yesterday at the all-night vigil and today before the prayer service at Stepanov. Yesterday he didn’t want to go to the all-night vigil, and we waited for him for a whole hour - we didn’t start the service. Today I myself went to his apartment to pick up a bundle of church things, knocked for a long time and barely got through; scolded him, called him damned. Before mass he repented, and I forgave him. The bundle was left [with] him in the small shop. What storms the enemy makes especially during the holidays! But how many times the enemy tries to swallow us completely, so many times the Lord saves us from his jaws! Glory to Thee, Lord! Our rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, is extremely arrogant and uses a lot of malicious tricks against me, although he wants to seem fair and indifferent. Either he deliberately keeps the sexton in his apartment when he needs to be in church with me and serve, or he does not start services on the days of the cross for a long time and makes me wait a long time. So today, having ordered the bell to ring for mass at nine and a half o'clock, he began mass at ten and a half o'clock. He didn’t finish the religious procession and went to his dacha in Oranienbaum; I was sent to the far side; I sinned before God - I was very indignant at him all the way, walking with the cross; I forgot the words of the holy prophet David: Do not be jealous of the wicked, nor be jealous of those who create iniquity [Ps. 37:1], - I envied him in his comfort of life at the dacha, that he is not in the labors of men and does not receive wounds from people [Ps. 72:5], that he has taken care of 145 his field and he does not know where to gather his goods [ Luke 12:16–17] that he is proud of his wealth. But what seems amazing and admirable about him is that he is firm and calm in his spirit and, I think, kindly, while I am extremely weak-hearted and easily indignant at every trifle, suspicious, malicious, irritable, unstable. I have an abyss of infirmities! 21. Morning. I thank You, Lord, my sweet salvation, for yesterday, when, for the sake of my sins, I felt the deprivation of You in my heart, and my heart was yearning, and in repentance I cried out to You for salvation, You did not hesitate to come to my aid and saved me, and filled my heart with You, and I was comforted, calmed down, and expanded in my heart. It was sweet for me to call on You when I was at the dacha of Alexander Vasilyevich Murashov, when I read Your prayer, Our Father, Who art in heaven. But forgive me, Lord, all-merciful, that I drank wine and beer that was more appropriate. We serve God not in the church, but in the church - do not please people in the church physically. Pray for others, pray for yourself, for we are one body. Therefore, always pray fervently and sincerely. Burning in spirit; the Lord working [Rom.12:11]. Firm contempt for the dangers and fears of demons. Did the ascetics struggle in such a way that we do not imitate them? The Lord raises us from corruption to incorruption, but we throw ourselves into corruption and constantly resist Him. Pray purely, whole, fervently, for the priests, for the people. Christ God is the same yesterday and today and forever [Heb. 13:8], and the Liturgy must be served equally. Be fully armed with grace, O priest. In the special litany, the Church prays for the state, or civil society. Sin slaughters us every day, like sheep of the slaughter - to deliver us from it, the Son of God was slain according to humanity. Oh love! Oh, indulgence! Oh, patience and long-suffering! Fire into dew He who transformed me can transform me from a sinner into a righteous one. Oh, what and how much trouble you have caused for us, Lady! I must be ardent towards the Body and Blood of the Lord and indifferent to ordinary food and drink. Remember the goodness and mercilessness of God. Take care of incorruptible clothing, and neglect perishable clothing. By serving God on earth, in the earthly church, we prepare to serve God in heaven. I will glorify the Lord forever and ever, but here, in time, I begin to glorify His power. (Stichera to the martyrs in the Canon.) We forget that our soul is in the image of God, and that is why we have great absurdities throughout our lives. The Church is a society of those who are being saved, the Church is a holy and wonderful union of the souls of the righteous, reigning in heaven, and people, the right of believers in Christ and still struggling on earth, united by the Head Christ, a union animated and sanctified and strengthened by the Holy Spirit. You have exhausted everything for yourself, O Savior, out of love for people, and teach us and strengthen us to have mercy on your people, caring for their salvation. About the beaten Bulgarians. The Lord purifies His gold with the fire of suffering. He reaps His wheat and gathers it into the barn, He fills His barns. How should we look at the repetition of the same prayers and praises in worship? We often repeat the same thing because we desperately need the items we ask for, but we don’t have them, or often lose them or forget them. Cut sin from the root. This section is, of course, painful. Hence the great sorrows of the pious. The Lord was gloriously glorified in my salvation at the All-Night Vigil on January 14, 1878. What did David do when he was demanded [Mark 2:25]? If there is an urgent need, then you can break the fast. What does it mean for a priest and every Christian to stand at the height of his calling? Solve this issue in word and deed. Our possession is the soul redeemed by Christ. What good is it for a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? [Matthew 16:26]. This night your soul will be taken from you; who will get what you have prepared? [Luke 12:20]. Many have studied many sciences and arts, but they do not know the most important science of conquering their sins and passions and allow them to master them. Corresponding to us is the Lord, also the Lady, and all the saints, who also live on earth. Sin is aphids, abomination, madness, darkness, death. Friendship with the flesh is the cause of our iniquities and negligence about eternal life. The content of the service is sacred and ecclesiastical, historical, dogmatic, moralizing, sacramental, ritual, prayerful, laudatory. Its purpose is to satisfy the highest needs of the human soul, created in the image of God, but subjected to the great disasters of the Fall, to restore it from the fall, to renew, enlighten, purify, sanctify, console, nourish and strengthen, imparting to it a similar flow of true, holy and Divine life, and to unite it with God, with the First Principle and the Prototype. Worship is a reverent, verbal expression by a person to God of his faith, hope and love, repentance for sins, his thanksgiving and praise; it is the mutual communication of God with man, the mutual service of man to God and God to man, as the Lord said: The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give His soul as a ransom for many [Matthew 20:28]. This service of God to people is performed especially in the Divine Liturgy, for in the person of a priest or bishop, Christ God Himself, the one eternal High Priest, serves during the liturgy. Heart hearing and meaning during worship (in the science of worship). God is sensitive to the heartfelt cry of those who pray with faith and quickly answers the cry of the soul that seeks Him. Prepare the sermon for July 27, the Empress’s birthday. I get angry with faulty subordinates or with the boss himself who is faulty or unkind, I get angry, I scold them, and sometimes I harbor hostility, especially towards the boss. What does this mean? What kind of absurdity is this? Is it possible to correct evil with evil? Isn't it clearly getting stronger and stronger? One must be indifferent to evil, or what am I saying? - we must feel sorry for the evil, pray fervently for them, so that the Lord will change them for good, for without God no one can become better. This is how I treat my dean father Trachevsky. May there not be a shadow of evil in me. There are still many evil principles in me, acting in me and often drawing me towards words, thoughts and feelings and actions that are reprehensible; I still have a lot of struggle and struggle with myself to suppress and eradicate the evil principles; Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places [Eph.6:12]. If I want the abbot to be friendly and hospitable to me, then why do I often secretly and openly be hostile to him and scold him in absentia with contemptuous words for his shortcomings, but who is without shortcomings? I will be kind to him, always speak good words to him and about him and pray fervently for him, although he rejects my prayer out of pride and distrust. 22. Today at eight o’clock in the morning I performed a prayer service to the Mother of God with an Akathist at a woman’s place, and this prayer singing and reading healed and cleansed my soul and body. Glory to You, Mother of God, Queen of heaven and earth! Previously there was cramped space. Glory to the grace of God! Many do not like to be at divine services because they do not know it well, in all its richness, greatness, wisdom, sweetness, life-giving; they will know - they will never part, it is so attractive, nourishing, sweet for the soul! 23. Today, during early mass, I experienced all the misery of my situation, spiritual misfortune, the misfortune of being deprived of God’s grace as a result of my drunkenness with Alexander Murashev: my soul died, it lost all grace, and I found myself completely powerless in the fight against the enemy of salvation, I could not speak the royal family, I was terribly confused in words, the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ... and did not pronounce as it should, in words. First remember, Lord, on let go. Oh, how little it takes to die of the soul before death of the body! One hour, one minute is enough! Many do not go to church for several months: ah, they are dying in spirit! For death does not sleep. 26. Your righteousness, Your truth, Your love was wonderfully reflected in Your saints, for example, in the Great Martyr and Healer Panteleimon and Saint Nicholas, the Fool for Christ's sake. The first rejected idols, believing in Christ and clinging to Him with all his soul, enduring many torments for Him, the second decisively rejected the vanity of this world, laughing at all its delights, scolded the prince of this world, who holds all people in captivity through everyday objects, despised everything in the world: the pleasure of food, elegance in clothing, glory and pleasure, and lived on earth as an incorporeal angel. Glory to Thee, Lord, in Thy saints! The saints convict us by their lives, for we live carelessly, intemperately, uncleanly, we do not succeed in the love of God, but in love of peace, in carnal love, the end of which is incorruptibility. 27. I thank the Lord for the grace of tenderness and tears during the liturgy served together with the rector and Father Alexander in the cathedral, for the communion of the Holy Mysteries and revival by them, and for delivering the sermon I composed for the Empress’s birthday. How long will my free madness continue, my bestiality, that I often eat two or three times during the day, especially how long will this madness continue, that I eat at night and thus beat myself up at night? You need to eat once a day. 28. I thank You, Lord, for You have shown Your saving power on me even on this day, when I was rolling along the railway to St. Petersburg and when I was in St. Petersburg waiting for Prince Mikhail Sergeevich Volkonsky: several times the original scoundrel and converter of the laws of the Creator poured into my heart the nasty poison of his abomination and tormented me, but every time through my prayer to You You mercifully and quickly cleansed my soul from obscene movements and also from partiality (the face of the old man in the jacket of an official of the Ministry of Internal Affairs is not good, although the old man was good, kind, talkative). I glorify Your constant forgiveness for me, unworthy, and Your salvation. 29. I thank You, Lord, for once again you saved me from the charming, voluptuous poison that my voluptuous heart crawled to accept; Through the prayer of repentance and heartfelt contrition, You cleansed me from this pernicious poison, pacifying and expanding my oppressed heart. Strengthen me, Lord, to walk in Your commandments unwaveringly. Not a single word of sincere prayer is wasted before God, but bears good fruit, for pure prayer is a great power that bends the goodness of God to mercy and generosity; remember Abraham, Moses, Elijah, Elisha, Daniel, Ananias, Azariah and Mishael, all the saints - what miracles their prayer did! If the seed of the evil one—evil thoughts, words, and deeds—are so fruitful and strong in evil people, then how much more so is the seed of the good God! - no good is wasted. Sincere prayer for the sovereign and the entire reigning house, for all the authorities and for all Orthodox Christians brings the sovereign and the entire [reigning] house and all people good fruits, bright thoughts, good feelings and motivation for good deeds. We should always glow with love for the Lord and for each other, pure love, but the enemy often freezes our hearts, hardens us, embitters us; We should always praise the Lord with all our hearts for the wealth of His goodness, wisdom, power, truth and holiness, the splendor of beauty, sweetness and bliss, but the enemy inspires blasphemy against God and the saints; spiritual intelligence must be fulfilled day by day, but the enemy brings madness of thoughts, darkness, stupid, unclean, lustful, carnal, worldly thoughts and feelings. For the gymnasium library - the Roman Colosseum, the Roman catacombs, the Russian Bible. Do not resist evil, according to the word of Christ, but if someone wants to take something from you, give it to him; do not demand it back from the one who took what you have [Luke 6:30]. Remember that Christ exhausted Himself completely, laid down His life for us, gave Himself for food and drink. What is more, more striking? Blame not others, but yourself - your glass is dark, your organ of spiritual vision and feeling - your heart hurts with every passion. The greatness of the Christian faith as depicted in its worship. 29. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness during the all-night vigil: frozen and frozen with sins, especially worldly pleasures, the Lord revived, pacified, sweetened, and confirmed my soul. The gift of tenderness and heartfelt enlightenment especially visited me during the censing of the church on the polyeleos and during the kissing of the Gospel by people throughout the entire canon. Just before the great doxology, the scoundrel enemy stumbled and confused me through my vision of those passing by on the street, but for my internal repentance and prayer, the Lord had mercy and delivered me. Let go said slowly, quietly, everyone except the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky. For the frequent iniquities in our daily life - frequent repentance and crying out, Lord, have mercy: sometimes once, sometimes three times, sometimes twelve times, sometimes thirty, forty, fifty and a hundred; for pride - bows, humbling the soul, kneeling, falling into the ground. 30. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who this morning at the beginning of mass took away the greatest oppression, deadening, devilish, from my soul and who, through my prayer, gave me freedom and space of spirit and body, mental and physical health. I served the grace of God for good throughout the mass, only at the great entrance the enemy confused me, weakened my heart with his abominations, and I did not pronounce all the names of the royal family, but then I spoke everything out with zeal and strength; at the prayer behind the pulpit, the end was left unspoken due to the enemy’s deceit and dismissal, also, the saints of the day were not remembered, including Saint Chrysostom and Saint Alexander Nevsky. Forgive me, Lord, who knows my weakness. Enjoying food kills all the energy of my soul. 30. I thank the Lord of strength, who breathed into me boldness, courage and fearlessness at Vespers during the pronunciation of the special litany after I lost my temper at the petition and, out of demonic fear, uttered only the ends of the petitions and conclusions. I prayed in repentance, and the Lord gave me boldness. And continue to always grant, Lord! Vast spoke without stumbling. He performed two baptisms with great boldness. I was happy after the victory won over the enemies of salvation in the power of the fortress of the Lord. 31. I thank the Lord, who gave me great help and mercy during the service of Matins today, after my stumble at Matins; He served the entire morning with great boldness and fervor of the heart. At the very end, in the first hour, the church rector Trachevsky was indignant in spirit at the excessive, insane thriftiness of things, who locked everything in closets and did not give any change to any vestments or anything (bedspreads, incense, air). I sinned, I lost all goodwill and respect for him, enduring for twenty years his stinginess in the church and taking everything into my own hands, without any verification of things by the clergy or by me, as the clergyman; I even often fall into hostility towards him, combined with contempt, and thus destroy the law of God, which consists of love, meekness, humility, kindness, good-natured patience, and submission for the sake of God. But if the rector were to deprive me of my last church clothes (which he has never done before), then I should not lose favor with him for the sake of the Lord, but respect and love him as a person, just like me, created in the image of God, just like me, a sinner (although not for sins), as an elder, as an archpriest and rector, as a father and boss. The Word of God commands to obey rulers not only to the good and meek, but also to the obstinate [1.2:18]. And in fact, our enemy the devil always uses his stinginess as an excuse to hate the abbot, and it torments and confuses me in the strongest possible way. But let me not hate my brother, a communicant of the Holy Mysteries of God, because of his clothes, for here one can see my passion for dressing in new clothes, just as he has a passion for saving new clothes (two opposites). May I preserve love, may I dress and adorn myself with love and meekness, as with precious and beautiful clothing, incorruptible, multi-colored according to the different types of love or virtues that come from love. If people reviled you, beat you, tortured you, then love them and pray for them. This morning, before morning, I was indignant at the sight of dog anger on the western parade ground: two stupid dogs ran out from the English pastor and pounced on a quiet black dog, drove it and mauled it, although not to death - the man dispersed them, otherwise they would have mauled them - so angry. I cursed these pastoral reptiles. They have demonic anger. Remember, Lord, the missing Kuzma. Remember, Lord, our rector Paul, the archpriest, who has caused us to stumble in many ways: in hard-heartedness towards the poor, in love of money (although I am no stranger to these sins), in sequestering church things and withholding them from use, in not participating in the matter of parish trusteeship, in negligence towards divine services to the point of indecency and the most stupid attitude towards it, in extreme haste to the point of disgrace (in half an hour of Matins departs), away from the brethren and in lack of sympathy for orphans and widows. Oh, woe to the poor and our souls, naked from every good deed, who do not feel their poverty! God! Create his image 146 for Your flock and for us in everything, so that it does not kill them and us, but may it revive. Like a shepherd, like a rector, like an elder, the end is near to him, although he is not far from us, he does not seek his own, but his neighbor [1.10:24], as if he is preferred, as if placed on the candlestick. I ask the archpriest to serve mass for me tomorrow and perform a procession of the cross. Forgive me for my iniquity, Lord, that I was jealous in my heart and was indignant at Mr. Leopardov, who achieved the Order of St. Anne of the first degree during his resignation, when he already had Stanislav of the same degree and the rank of actual state councilor. Do I, an earthly man, envy earthly advantages? Isn't this earthly vanity - honors and rewards? Isn't it just to the grave? And during life, do they really make a person happy, calm, contented? Do they change his soul, his heart for the better? Do they get rid of sins, passions, and reproaches of conscience? Will they be spared from a future trial? If his minister [L...], whom he had previously served, had not been a friend, he would not have seen either the rank of actual state councilor or the Order of Stanislav and Anna of the first degree; chance gave him extraordinary eminence, although his works cannot be rejected. But many work no less than him and no worse than him and yet are not rewarded like that. But forgive me, Lord, my vanity, my envy. It testifies to the baseness and ignobility of the soul in which it nests, to earthly bias, to the fact that my destiny is only this life, and not the future, that I did not leave it with sin and did not move in spirit to the future life, incorruptible. Only people of this world can value much rank and order, who do not strive for the honor of a high title, for an incorruptible, undefiled inheritance, preserved in heaven for our sake [Phil.3:14; 1 Peter 1:4]. July 31st. I thank, praise and extol the Lord for His great mercy towards me during the Liturgy, for by His grace and help I completed the entire Liturgy without stumbling and received life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. They waited for the sovereign in the cathedral from twelve o'clock until three, with full lighting, full carpeting, in front of a multitude of people, they languished and languished and, due to the fault of Governor Kazakevich, who did not report to the sovereign that he was expected in the cathedral, they waited in vain and languished, perdidi nues et olum et operam 148, according to Virgil. May the Lord bring him and his family down for our languor. How many hands were taken away from work for so long! The [fat] and fat city governors, who do nothing, do not know and do not want to know the circumstances and needs of the clergy and people, because they receive countless allowances. They live like in paradise. I thank the Lord for his help during Vespers and Compline during the speaking of all the litanies. Various military ranks, starting with a midshipman or ensign to a general or governor, think little about us, for the most part treat us with disdain - why on earth do we value them very highly and treat them obsequiously, and some with fear, especially during worship, looking at their tinsel decorations - epaulettes and the like? We value them no more as they are, for mere mortals and many sinners, more than simple people, for the people believe and submit to the priests, but the educated, such as officers and other scientists, often do not believe in God and the Church, and do not submit to us. Obyurodeti (Church Glav.) - fall into madness, lose your mind. Untested (Church Slavic) – unknown (“test” – to inquire, to search, to explore). Ugobziti (Church Glav.) - to be filled to the full, to abound, to be fertile. Our si (church glory) - ours. Literally: I wasted oil and labor in vain. A popular Latin expression meaning “he labored in vain.”