Душестроительство

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain... Β.Τ. Verkhovtseva. Memories of Father John of Kronstadt to his spiritual daughter Then Jesus said, “Were not ten cleansed?” where is nine? how did they not return to give glory to God, except this foreigner? In our sad times, all concepts are confused, it becomes difficult to figure out where is white and where is black, where is high, where is low. The ravings of a madman are passed off as sane thoughts, and the world, at its end, seems to converge with its beginning, entering into the same chaos that existed at its creation. The number of unfortunate people suffering is growing by leaps and bounds, and not only in the sense of hunger or cold need, such have never been translated, but also under the most favorable conditions in the generally accepted concept of happiness. All the most sophisticated inventions of culture, progress, and all the conveniences of external life do not help. The inner man is becoming poorer and weaker... Religion has lost its eternal, high meaning; by all means they eradicated it from the human soul; Modern Christians no longer believe in its healing, powerful power; they mistakenly pass themselves off as such; they are often ashamed to make the sign of the cross, fearing to be branded as uncultured people, thus renouncing the only saving weapon - the Cross, learning worldly wisdom not in the Church, but in the theater, not in the Gospel, but in the writings of our bitter thinkers, glorified not for their ability to live wisely, but only speak beautifully; they climb into a hopeless dead end of life, from which they have only one way out - violent death. Meanwhile, in reality, there is no such confusion in life from which it would be impossible to emerge completely cleansed, and there is no such sinner and criminal who could not regain the respect and trust of people. But their path lies through religion, it alone leads the confused soul out of the most difficult, criminal falls, as long as this soul does not extinguish faith and hope in itself, if only among the layered dirt and impurity the fire of the soul that Christ, in His own words, came to kindle, flickers, still flaring up, even if only in the last flashes. There are people who are apparently impeccable, chaste, humane, meeting the requirements of the strictest morality, but a spiritually experienced eye sees that in these people, impeccable on the outside, everything inside has long been hopelessly dead; the volcano of their soul has gone out, and by gradual destruction or a sudden natural disaster this person is thrown overboard of life, while along with a similar case the last of the last moral scum is reborn to a new life, sometimes revealing the appearance of high moral beauty. Such examples serve as a stumbling block for many, a stone of temptation. The mystery of the unity of the human soul with God is not revealed to their experience; they are outraged that the ideal person dies, and the scoundrel continues to live; they do not know the difference in human and Divine judgment. The inner man is seen and appreciated only by the Eye of God, and It alone can correctly and accurately determine the dignity, quality and vitality of the soul. Sometimes it is necessary to stop the “sinless” in his path, and allow the sinner to defile himself until a time known to God alone, for all souls are equally dear to Him - He does not know partiality. The Lord will send His help to save every soul, and it will restore in itself that bright image and likeness in which it was created and which it desecrated within itself every hour, not knowing what it was doing, so that the spark of the sacred flame - this exclusive gift of Heaven to man - would not go out in it. The way back for sinners is difficult. The prince of this world does not release his captives cheaply; He demands an expensive ransom from those who wish to free themselves from his yoke. Without God's help there is no point even thinking about making this return journey. Woe to the one who relies on his own strength and does not call on God in a timely manner; he will fall into even worse and already irrevocable slavery. Without God in the heart, a person cannot live; he can only vegetate temporarily on earth. God is the Sun of the soul. And just as a body, removed from the influence of the sun’s rays, withers, loses flexibility, beauty and even festers, so the soul, far from God, its spiritual Sun, perishes. we know the physical law, we were taught to understand that on earth without the sun life must cease; Few people are interested in the laws of the spirit, but they would know that with the loss of the spiritual Sun, a person either dies or acquires an animal image. The modern epidemic of suicide, self-destruction, and monstrous crimes is the clearest evidence that our immaterial Sun is hiding Its rays from us and that the world is plunging into darkness. Personally, my life has been one of those that people envy. High social position, great wealth, honor, respect, eternal holidays and pleasures - everything, it would seem, contributed to calling myself happy, but meanwhile the worm of dissatisfaction and hopeless melancholy was eating away at my soul. From early childhood, left an orphan, I learned the value of all this secular tinsel, as well as the friendship of people, their love; I lost faith in everyone and everything too early. I knew that no one, in essence, cared about me personally and about my inner world, no matter how rich in content it was, that while I was young, interesting, needed, they would be lenient with my weaknesses, for the sake of profit, they would even indulge them, but as soon as I lost social significance or personal interest, it is unlikely that any of yesterday’s friends will remain at the height of their assurances and promises. Knowing the value of people’s feelings, I deeply despised them, and not knowing how to love and forgive, I soon felt hopelessly alone, among the crowd - as if in the desert. The abyss of lies, hypocrisy, flattery, selfishness in human relationships erased joy and light from my heart, and soon I lost the ability to seek happiness, goodness and, in the end, even desire it. To drown out my melancholy amid the celebration of life, I threw myself at everything. Music, art, science, literature, travel - everything was tried, quickly losing interest in everything, I guessed with my inner instinct that all this is just an decoration of life, a surrogate for happiness, but where is the meaning, essence, goal? I couldn’t find an answer, the melancholy tormented my heart more and more, and the clouds thickened over my head. I began to rush around in search of a way out, and soon the last, the only sacred, dear thing - children - lost their meaning and interest. Of all the ghosts, this was the most sinister. Doctors identified black melancholy, and psychiatrist Professor Korsakov decisively predicted paralysis or nervous insanity. Then I remembered God. To my great happiness, my mother was a deeply religious woman, and fragments of her instructions, her example sometimes flashed in my memories, and, although all subsequent impressions received from the educational institution and personal life were of the nature of something only formal and official, the seed sown did not die out. We hear a lot of attacks on the form; they talk about its harm and lack of understanding. This is wrong. At any moment it can be filled, spiritualized, but the one who has lost it loses everything. So it was with me. I have kept the form continuously since childhood, but due to the lack of content in it, it did not nourish my spirit and did not warm me. For about five years I did not partake of the Holy Mysteries, tempted by the imperfections and shortcomings of our clergy; The literature of Tolstoy, whom I was fond of at one time, also harmed me a lot. Not being spiritually educated, spiritually developed, I did not know how to separate form from essence, I did not comprehend the strength and power of the Sacrament in myself, I could not then understand that an unworthy priest harms only himself, that people who in the simplicity of their hearts seek his blessing, going to him for confession, receive, by their faith, directly everything from God Himself through the Sacrament of the Priesthood, handed over to the pastors. The spiritual well-being of these believers does not depend on the shortcomings of persons who do not know how to bear and respect their sacred dignity. What would a religion be worth, could it exist for centuries, if its mysterious strength and power depended on the perfection or imperfection of the servants assigned to it? They are given the power to be only witnesses, guides or guardians of this greatest shrine, to know its formal, purely external, inevitably necessary side, but its very mysterious power, always alive, hidden from human eyes, is revealed to people only as they grow spiritually, spiritually and mentally develop; It is impossible, after all, to comprehend higher mathematics without proper preparation, just as it is impossible to comprehend religion and its powers, without carefully studying and assimilating it. It is sad to observe that people who wear spiritual clothing do not know how to preserve its purity, exploit it, profane it - so much the worse for them; It is no less sad to see in other earthly institutions the careless attitude towards their duties of judges, doctors, lawyers, and if we take into account the degree of intelligence, high education of the latter and often the extreme poverty of the former, will it be fair to demand that they always stand on top and hold their powerful “banner” with a firm hand? Why, seeing betrayal of the ideas of truth, goodness, humanity in justice, medicine, and the legal profession, do they continue to believe in these ideas, and in the bearers and representatives of these ideas? Why, seeing weak monks and priests, do they stop believing in the idea of ​​religion and God. Where is the logic? Where's the consistency? The imperfection of the clergy, the much-criticized external ritual side of religion, serve only as a nit-picking, self-justification, and internal lie of the attackers. Religion, God, spiritual life require feats of self-restraint, struggle with oneself; This is what we don’t like, what is hard and hateful to us; we crave freedom for our whims and passions, we hate everything that somehow reminds us of the answer, that brings to mind the terrible specter of God's judgment on us, so-called Christians. We, small and insignificant, cannot handle this high “title”; we deliberately pollute it, disgrace it and think that by spitting on it, humiliating it, we will crush its greatness and power. But we will not succeed in this, even if we turn ourselves into beasts, at the call of the apostles of the new formation; all this will not prevent God from creating new people, renewing the old earth, worn out by the sins and crimes of men. My personal experience has made me wiser and opened saving horizons to my inner gaze. So, remembering religion, I decided to accept the Holy Mysteries, and then my inner torment began in choosing a confessor. Everyone seemed unworthy of my trust. In my conceit and pride, although I did not consider myself righteous, I was still sure that the Lord would have to send His brightest Angel to my call, who would carefully and tenderly console my grieving soul. But in His truth, the Lord judged differently and sent me a spiritual father who I fully deserved. Whether by chance or miraculously, one day, when I even asked God in prayer to show me a worthy priest, I saw in a dream my mother’s confessor, whom I had never remembered. Pictures of a forgotten childhood were resurrected, and a tall figure of a young, serious priest with a handsome face, chestnut curls over his shoulders appeared in my memory; some very large church, and I, a little seven-year-old girl, was at my first confession and communion, more or less conscious. It was very scary, especially when the strict priest did not even allow me to sit in church. “Repentant sinners should stand on their knees, not sit,” he sent me from the altar to tell me. I remembered all this, except for the first and last name. I became terribly worried, realizing that this dream was prophetic. In my mother’s old prayer books and books, I finally found the treasured name. On the same day, I communicated by telegram with the governor of the city of T., who was friendly to me, where my almost forgotten childhood passed; I found out that the priest I was interested in was alive, and that same night I rushed towards T., inspired by some kind of inner hope. Without resting, she set out to look for the man miraculously resurrected in her memory and found him within the walls of the gymnasium, where he taught the law. A tall, very thin priest came out to me, with traces of his former beauty, but now a gray-haired old man. My appearance agitated him. “Daughter of Nadezhda Feodorovna - I remember very well, how can I serve you?” - “Yes, I want to talk to you, confess.” “Come to my house at 5 o’clock. “I’m busy now,” he said as he said goodbye. At the indicated time, I rang the bell at the front entrance, and the priest himself opened the door for me; he had my mother’s card in his hands, and he, leading me into his office and pointing to this card, said: “God, your mother and I - we are listening to you!” My God! What happened to me! From the excitement that gripped me, I lost the ability to see, observe, think; Like a cut down sheaf, I fell at his feet, laid my head on his knees, cried and expressed my whole soul. That was the confession of my whole life; she appeared to me as if in the palm of my hand, pitiful, lonely, somehow dark; everything that deceived me, that I betrayed - all this appeared to my opened inner gaze in a new light, in a new assessment; I remember with what ardent sincerity I laid bare my entire sick, tormented soul before the dark face of Christ, looking at me from the corner... and, in essence, I saw nothing but this gaze. When I finished my confession and turned towards the priest, who was sitting in a chair with his back to the light, I saw him sleeping with a terrible red face, and his whole pose revealed a completely drunk man... He didn’t listen to me, and whether I opened my soul to him. He was a witness who betrayed his duty, his oath, an unworthy servant of the invisible Lord - but I confessed to God, and God listened to me! If then I had my current experience and knowledge, I would not have been embarrassed by the spectacle that presented itself to my eyes, I would probably have risen from my knees healthy, justified, but then... I was unsteady on my feet and I don’t understand how I didn’t go crazy from such an unexpected impression that shocked me so boundlessly. Yes, that's enough! Does God really exist? And if it exists, then, probably, like people, it mocks the soul that has trusted Him... Yes! It exists! Only the power of His grace, His inscrutable Providence, protected this soul dear to Him alone, and if not for this, then the earthly wisdom of Professor Korsakov should have triumphed. A more convenient opportunity for insanity could hardly have presented itself... An impressionable soul, exhausted by life, weakened by a terrible illness, could have withstood such a stunning impression without God's help! Where was the logic, the meaning, could it even begin to talk about the Providence and Wisdom of God: so the proud and at the same time such a powerless human mind had to get confused among insoluble guesses, and yet the deep meaning, the logic and significance of that moment became clear later; now it was fatal. From my sudden movement, the priest woke up and, with slurred tongue, ordered me to come to confession (?!) at 5 o’clock in the morning at church, for early mass. I don’t know how the grace of God overcame my inner chaos, but by 5 am I was already in church. Whether I wanted to see and know how it would all end, or maybe I simply lost the ability to think because of the shock I received - I don’t know. Entering the church, I saw my confessor barely able to stand on his feet, the guards were supporting him, he was apparently completely exhausted. “I’m having heart attacks, I’m dying,” he said, greeting me. Mass was celebrated by another, hired priest, from whom I received communion, and at the end of the service I rushed to visit the sick priest. His wife said that the doctors feared for his life and that it was his meeting with me that had upset me so much, and that it was unlikely that even he would survive. My soul was so exhausted from the sensations I was experiencing that I stopped understanding what was happening. Maybe he wasn’t drunk, it was I who slandered him, I couldn’t tell the difference between a sick person and a drunk person, that flashed through my thoughts in incoherent fragments; It’s all to blame for my suspicion, my distrust, my angry attitude towards people. With this new torment in my heart, I returned to Moscow, instructing a reliable, good friend to find out all the ins and outs about the priest and tell me. The letter did not hesitate: “It’s hard to find a worse priest,” wrote a friend of mine, “it wasn’t worth looking all over the world, they would probably have found someone like him in Moscow. He’s never sober, but a drunk does all sorts of obscene things.” The thought that I myself was not worth the best priest did not occur to me then: I was lenient towards myself, but demanding towards him, I forgave myself for my sinful impurity, but demanded crystal purity from him. Subsequently, it turned out that his terrible spiritual uncleanliness did not prevent the parishioners from loving him as a kind, good person, did not prevent him from loving everyone, doing a lot of good - while I, maintaining my appearance neat and graceful, hiding the tattered veils of my soul in tatters, having devastated this soul, wasting all its treasures and riches, did not forgive the weak priest for his illness, slandered God in cruelty and unmercifulness and sent blasphemy and murmur to Heaven. After this incident, my health began to decline completely. The doctor was sent abroad and sent back from there, finding the situation hopeless. It became obvious that medical care was inadequate. The educational interests of the children required my move to Petrograd, and here my illness already assumed colossal proportions. Still young in age, I grew completely old, turned grey, and it became clear to everyone that a catastrophe was approaching. The suffering of my soul increased to its climax. I couldn’t sit at home, it seemed to me that the ceiling was going to collapse and crush me, I rushed into the street and there I was frightened by something approaching me. I saw waves around me, as if rising, among which my children were dying miserably, and by 7 o’clock in the evening I lost the ability to move, I was seized by an uncontrollable painful trembling, and I was quite clearly aware that some kind of force was approaching me from the outside, which would inevitably destroy and crush me, and that my inner powerlessness could not resist it. People of spiritual experience know that such a disease is nothing more than “possession,” or an attack of an evil force that only the Lord can defeat. At this time, someone close to me advised me to turn to Father John of Kronstadt, known for his prayer power. Many wonderful things were told about him, and two persons close to him were indicated to me who, at my request, could bring him. Both of these individuals, having seen me, subsequently admitted that they did not even dare to bring Father to me, they were afraid of some crazy antics on my part. I have known about Father John for a long time; in my family, even his prayer in absentia raised a condemned child, suffering from a hopeless form of diphtheria, from his bed to death. “If the doctors are powerless,” I said in a fit of hopeless grief, “then God is strong to help, and He will return my child to me.” An urgent telegram was sent to Father John with a tearful plea for salvation, and the child was saved despite the doctors' verdict. The memory of this incident and gratitude to the unknown prayer book for me personally did not fade away in my heart, and I invested the rest of my faith and hope in the opportunity for myself to receive relief from him. “If Father refuses to come, then I am cursed by God - there is no more salvation, and then I must forcibly end my painful existence.” The fire of faith and hope has not yet gone out. Twice we waited in vain for Father on the appointed days; he did not come; the third has come, and in my internal decision - the last. If he doesn’t come, there’s nothing to wait for, it’s all over! Half an hour before the appointed time, a confused I.O. appeared. and announced that Father had unexpectedly been summoned to a very high-ranking official and that, in addition, he urgently needed to return to Kronstadt. Did she read something very sinister in my face, but quickly hugging me, she began to assure me that next time Father would definitely come by. “It will be too late,” I answered, but my words were interrupted by a call from the Swiss and the doorman’s exclamation: – Father John of Kronstadt... I remember that I fell head over heels from the stairs and, falling at the feet of Father who was entering the hallway, screamed, breathless: “I’m not worth it, I’m not worth it for you to cross the threshold of my home.” “For such humility and faith, everything will be fine,” rang out his ringing, bright, gentle voice. Did I then lose consciousness or did it become dull in me, but then I already remember myself lying next to Father praying before the images on his knees, neither his words, nor prayer - I don’t remember anything except my inner cry to God: “Save, save, after all, I am Your creation after all.” I rose from my knees completely healthy and quite clearly felt how something blessed, bright, bright had entered me... “On Friday the 26th, you will receive communion with me in the Leushinsky courtyard on the day of John the Theologian, the apostle of love and faith,” Father said, saying goodbye to me. “Get ready.” And this happened on September 21, 1899. O eternally memorable, happy day! Sometimes returning to her past life, going over the past in her memory, this is the only one that shines, this is the only one I would like to return. The next day I woke up renewed and reborn - marveling at myself. Is it me? No fear, no melancholy, no confusion, no suffering - everything disappeared in the light of only one ray of God's mercy towards the sinner. I began to joyfully prepare for the big day. On the eve of the 26th, by order of Father, I went to confession to his nephew Father John of Ornatsky. If my confession in the city of T. was of enormous significance as a summation of life, as an assessment of myself, then this second confession completely separated the past from the future, dug an impassable abyss between them. I mercilessly condemned myself, exposed all the ulcers of my soul, renounced myself and surrendered myself to the Providence of God, His saving care for me. I handed over my will to Him! God! This is who I am, look at me, you can’t find anything worse, but You have the power to cleanse me, revive me, turn me from dirty and black into light and transparent. I trusted God, and He will not deceive anyone! The path of rebirth is difficult; those who have passed through him know that he is all filled with tears of repentance, the blood of heartfelt prayer; but only he can lead the soul from slavery to sin, internal impotence - to freedom and light. Blessed, a hundred times blessed are those who from the beginning of life follow the path of God’s commandments; their souls will not be touched by such torment. The day after Communion, I went to the cross. Father looked at me intently and let me alone kiss the cross three times with some especially soulful gaze. “It’s good for you now, my dear. Well, now take care of your soul.” I got the impression then that he had put some kind of stamp on me and that many crosses would have to be raised with his blessing. This is truly what happened. The prince of this world takes Shylock's percentage for the temporary use of his benefits. You can't get it cheap! Either serve him or pay the price. I consciously chose to pay, and less than a year passed, as if all sorts of disasters fell upon me from a cornucopia. The husband died suddenly, with his death all external well-being was lost, imaginary friends disappeared, on the stock exchange, thanks to the collapse of Alchevsky’s affairs, a large fortune burst, affairs became so confused that after a luxurious life, a miserable existence began to threaten. The educational years of the growing children coincided with the years of the revolutionary movement and were fraught with major misunderstandings and even danger to their lives, and finally, the greatest grief happened - my son, a young man of 19, died in the terrible Tsushima battle, and for a whole year I could not find out about his fate. Spoiled by the comfort of life, barely strengthened from an illness I had suffered, inexperienced in everything - who would have believed, among those who knew me before, how steadfastly and courageously I endured all these adversities myself and protected the remaining children from everything entirely in my care. With God everything is possible, and dear Father John supported, encouraged and strengthened me all the time with the strength of his spirit. So, shortly before my husband’s death, he insistently demanded that I buy the estate, and even indicated the province himself. “You will live longer and be happier,” he said, and for greater encouragement he promised to come to the housewarming party. Always obedient to him, I, despite all apparent impossibilities, bought the estate, and only this helped us subsequently emerge, relatively safely, from all the complications and disasters and preserve the physical and mental health of the children. He also fulfilled his promise, came to bless our purchase, and his blessing brought truly wonderful fruits, not only to me personally, but to our church and the entire region. As my inner spiritual well-being expanded, my soul strengthened and crystallized, everything external, material narrowed; sometimes it seemed to me that the world was pushing me out, throwing me out of its environment, everything had become very narrow around me. Inner freedom has not yet arrived, but the path to it has already been determined. Soon after my revival and acquaintance with Father, long before my husband’s death, somehow unexpectedly for me the figure of the weak priest from T. “I wish I could bring him together with Father,” it came to my mind, “maybe the Lord will heal him for the righteous prayers of His servant. Maybe that’s the only reason our paths crossed for a moment.” These thoughts haunted me more and more often and relentlessly, and I finally decided to write without any beating around the bush. “You are the light of the world and the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:14:13), I wrote, but how do you shine? What a temptation you are leading your flock into, insulting God, neglecting the interests of the flock entrusted to you! Come by all means, entrust your weak soul to Father John, for his prayers you will be healed.” “I can’t turn to others in a matter where I have to help myself,” he replied. But I didn’t let up; an inner voice urged me to insist, and I wrote again and even set the day of arrival, promising that he would serve together with Father, whom I had already asked to fervently pray for his perishing soul. And when the day arrived that I had appointed for his arrival, I fell into boundless excitement. Of course, the thought did not occur to me how much I take upon myself in an effort to save others, while I myself am still barely strong; I didn’t know then how the enemy takes revenge for such exploits, and it’s better that I didn’t know; then, perhaps, it would not have been possible to complete this holy deed. Many years later, having already had spiritual experience, I appreciated the wise advice of an old hieromonk. “Don’t tease the enemy,” he advised, “it’s better to let him notice you as little as possible; you will not be able to withstand the fight against him; He does not forgive not only a good deed, but also a fervent prayer.” Truly, this monk spoke the truth, and if, with God’s help, you have to take something upon yourself, then you must consciously and in advance prepare for his revenge. But then I went ahead, entrusting myself to the protection of God. The whole morning passed in vain anticipation, and I left home disappointed to run errands. Imagine my delight when, upon returning, I learned from the doorman that the visiting priest was waiting for me. On the wings of joy I flew into the apartment. The familiar figure of Father Sergius rose to meet me, but so ominous and gloomy that my heart sank with fear. “Well, I came, I don’t know why,” he began, without greeting or blessing. “Well, thank God,” I exclaimed, “now let’s go look for Father John.” “No, there’s no need,” he interrupted me, “why rush, maybe there’s no point in disturbing anyone, and that’s how things will work out. Still, strange things have happened since I received your letter. First of all, it was the first night in 23 years that I fell asleep and didn’t wake up, otherwise you won’t believe what a torment it was. You wake up at 2 a.m. and feel the urge to drink, and no matter how sinful I am, I didn’t serve while drunk, and I didn’t offend God by doing so. It used to happen that I’d barely even made it through the service, and I’d start either eating before or hiring for myself—and I’d never served drunk—and then in the morning I’d get up sober, to my own surprise. And then I think. How can we go, there is not even a penny to spare. The wife begged and said: “We’ll get it!” “No,” I say, “I won’t get into debt,” but I’m glad that an obstacle was found; and suddenly, out of nowhere, money came to my wife after the late Metropolitan of Moscow, 200 rubles - he was a relative of hers, no excuses. Luckily, I see a new obstacle. The 200-year-old city is celebrating its 200-year anniversary, the bishop, as an honored archpriest, appointed me to concelebrate - so, I think, they won’t let me in - again, thank God! But still, to clear my conscience, I went to ask. “I want to go to Kronstadt, I’ll serve with Father John on such and such a date,” but I chuckle inside myself: “Well, he’ll let you in!” And the bishop was an admirer of Father. And then the last miracle happened. “It would be a sin to deprive you of such happiness,” he said, “go with God and pray for me, a sinner, with him.” They usually always see me off, I can’t travel alone, I’ll definitely get drunk, so they protected me from my shame, but here there was no one to see me off, and the road would have been two miles long, so they let me go to the will of God - and well, I got there, at least I’d drink one for the road, but I probably couldn’t stand it much longer. “I drink a lot,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, and his face became terrible. “Even a barrel is not enough for me!!” I felt a trembling engulf me all over. “Then remember, you were, they said you were sick - you were drunk, dead drunk, not sick; but if I get drunk, I don’t remember what I do; I have fallen low, very low! But you know,” he suddenly cried out, squeezing my hand painfully, and his eyes seemed to be bloodshot, “it happened that I got sick, I felt like I was going to die, but so what? Should you send the priest to laugh at God: to repent so that you can start all over again tomorrow, no, you think, that’s a dog’s death.” I was no longer able to withstand this terrible confession, my whole insides were shaking, my teeth were chattering as if in a fever, and I could no longer look into his immediately drunken, terrible face. “Let’s go quickly, God will help, I believe, I believe, I believe,” I repeated in some kind of frenzy, and most of all I was afraid that somehow he would get out of it. It was November, there was ice outside, neither in the sleigh nor on wheels, a piercing cold wind blew through. In a light blouse, almost freezing, I stopped thinking about myself, if only I could hand him over to the care of my dear Father, if only I could drag him to him. Father Sergius sat and remained stubbornly silent, occasionally sighing and muttering something. "God! Make me worthy to see Your worthy servant,” I managed to hear once. I prayed internally fervently and passionately. At the pier we were told that due to wind and bad weather, Father John would go to Oranienbaum. Upon arrival at the station, I took a ticket for Father Sergius and, having an urgent need to return home in the interests of the children, and most importantly myself, feeling completely exhausted from the cold and excitement, I was nevertheless terribly afraid that at the last minute my archpriest would run away and all my work would be in vain. I led him to the icon standing on the platform and said: “Swear to me on the high dignity of a priest that you will not run away, that you will wait for Father, otherwise I will stay, risking getting completely sick.” - “I give you a terrible oath in the face of God that I will not leave; I have already overcome the desire to run away, go in peace,” he said firmly and calmly. Three whole tedious days passed, my excitement grew, I kept imagining everything: either he died or ran away, despite the oath. Finally, on the third day in the evening the bell rang, my heart fluttered, and I, ahead of the servants, rushed to the front door. Father Sergius was standing in front of her, all shining and radiant. Having fervently prayed to the image, blessing me, he silently looked deeply into my eyes: “If I were not a priest and archpriest, I would bow to your feet and kiss them for what you have done for me...” I keep these dear, holy words in my heart, hoping that for his grateful prayers the Lord will remember me at the hour of my death. And he told me how he was traveling with Father in the compartment, how he remembered that he had already prayed for him. The picture of the train leaving, the crowd of people running behind, the throwing of notes asking him to “pray” - all this, from the very beginning, struck him with its unusualness; he immediately understood and weighed what power a true priest of the Lord God has and what he should be. Father John was silent. Prayed or dozed; on the ship, he unexpectedly took Father Sergius by the hand and led him to the bow of the ship. The audience hid in the cabins, as the wind raged with extraordinary force and threatened to throw into the sea any daredevil who would dare to fight it. The deck was empty. Father Sergius, grabbing the stretched rope and pulling his hat down, barely made his way behind Father, who walked ahead freely without a hat, with flying hair, and an open fur coat. “Well, Father Archpriest,” he said, stopping, “God, the cleansing element and I, we are listening to you.” And the poor sinner fell at his feet, having only one desire in his heart - to die at his feet. And I remembered, listening to him, how once, by a strange coincidence, he told me the same words: “God, your mother and I - we are listening to you”; whether he, in turn, thought to hear the same words addressed to him. Whether this is a random phenomenon or the links of an unbreakable chain that unites all sinners before the Face of God, no matter what level of the social ladder he stands on, no matter what his rank, everyone is equal before God. Everyone bears both the weight of the cross and the weight of his sin before God, and only from His impartial judgment will he accept his sentence. Soon after this event, Father Sergius fell ill with purulent pleurisy, and it happened that at that very time Father John was passing through the city of T. to my estate; I asked him earnestly to visit the sick man, and together with Vladyka they fulfilled my request, and both knelt at his bedside and prayed for his salvation. “Your illness is cleansing,” said Father. “With it the Lord will cleanse all your infirmities.” And Father Sergius arose after his illness, spiritually healthy, lived after that for another 10 years, growing and strengthening in spirit, and died, warmly mourned by the parish and family who loved him infinitely. Almost simultaneously with the incident described, by the will of God I had to experience an even more significant event. At that time, there lived in Petrograd an old acquaintance of my mother, Senator S., a very rich, but anecdotally stingy old man. Maintaining a long-standing relationship, I sometimes visited him, always taking away a trace of something cold, creepy from his atmosphere as an old curmudgeon. Having not seen him for a long time, for some reason I remembered him and went to visit him. In response to his expressed surprise that I had become healthier and younger beyond recognition, I told him about my acquaintance with Father John and my miraculous resurrection from the dead and unexpectedly added to myself: “If only you could help Father in his construction of a monastery on Karpovka, you could save your soul cheaply for his holy intercession before God. They wanted to donate 100 thousand to their nobility for the sake of the glory of their own name, but what’s the point, not only the nobility, but also the heirs, perhaps, will not remember you, and Father will not forget about you in eternity.” To my proposal, to my great surprise, he did not even protest, but said: “Well, we need to think about it,” and in the evening of the same day, without having been anywhere, almost without going anywhere, he came to me, he himself touched on the question raised, and his whole conversation, instead of the usually ironic, grumbling or mocking tone, had the character of almost a confession. He touched on his personal life, and his hesitations in faith, his embarrassment in front of the facts, which seemed to him glaring due to injustice and lack of logic in cases when the best people are punished by God, and swindlers triumph, and much in the same spirit, for which I myself, still spiritually illiterate, could not give him an explanation, but only felt and understood that his soul, rooted in selfishness and love of money, seemed to trembled with something. The next day, Father John served in the Leushinsky monastery, and I, who always attended these services, told him that I had a good friend who was very rich and I hoped that he would take part in the construction of the monastery that interested Father. “I know about this,” answered Father, “and I will write a letter, and you personally take it to him.” This letter, handed to me, seemed to have such a strange and mysterious meaning that some kind of ominous premonition entered my heart, but I immediately went and handed it to the addressee. At first, this unexpected message did not seem to surprise or confuse S., but the next day I found him in a different mood, and his irritation against me knew no bounds. “What have you done,” he shouted, “after all, this is not a simple priest, after all, this is John of Kronstadt, this must be taken into account.” “Well, thank God - rejoice at this honor. It’s scary to hear that you are hesitating, they are not taking you by the throat, they are not assigning amounts. Give as much as you can - well, ten, five, one - or at least just call him, pray with him, then it will become clear what you should do.” But nothing helped, and he almost pushed me out of the apartment, threatening that his heirs would poison me when they found out that I was undermining their inheritance. Two days later I met Father again, and when he saw me, he himself asked: “Well, what about your S., is he hesitating? Tell him that I don’t need his money, but the time has come for him to think about his soul. “It’s time, they say, time to think about the soul,” say so, and don’t hesitate.” With a heavy heart, barely moving my legs, I entered the familiar hallway. How easy it was to fulfill such an order - God saw, and indeed, it seemed to me that I had ended up in hell. The footman who opened the door for me looked at me with hatred: enriching himself at the expense of his master, he was afraid of outside influence, and the master himself fell into a frenzy. “Your father John thinks that my soul will perish if I don’t give him money - let him perish, I won’t give it, I won’t give anything; get out!” - he shouted beside himself. “I don’t know and don’t dare to know what Father John thinks, but I personally shake the dust from my feet, I leave you to your own devices,” I answered calmly and, with these words, actually shook the hem of my dress. – And you... will appear before God’s court, covered in your coupons, then, perhaps, you will regret it, but repentance will be useless. Farewell". I left with a firm determination not to return again and to categorically announce this to Father. It was Wednesday, and on Friday the service of Father John was scheduled again in Leushinsky. I also went to mass. Exactly a week has passed since the first time I spoke with S. about Father John. After the service in the abbot’s room, I saw Father at his desk, he was writing something. I went up to him, knelt down on him and conveyed to him my impression of S. and my decision not to visit him anymore. “I’ve really suffered, dear Father, this week, I’ve become sick, I can’t take it anymore!” Father looked at me with some special look, which in rare moments I was able to observe from him - some kind of otherworldly look, so to speak. The pupils disappeared, and as if the blue sky was looking out of the eyes, it seemed as if Father had disappeared and only this one look remained. “My dear,” he said, looking at me with that look, “there’s no need for more, it’s already late,” and, bending down again, he continued to write. These words scalded me, and I rushed straight from the courtyard to S., drawn by an unstoppable force. “Now there will be the first funeral service,” announced the servant who opened the door, “they died two hours ago.” I don’t know how I didn’t lose my feelings at this news that stunned me. A terrible cold blew over me from the entire situation that appeared before my eyes. A lonely miser, a stranger to everyone, unnecessary, lay on the table; the gathered heirs, happy to get their hands on his millions, a handful of friends, hastily notified, more than curiosity for the sake of those who had arrived, several colleagues, happy that he had died, and they were still alive, and the footman in whose arms this rich man died so lonely, helpless... This whole picture struck my imagination so much that I burst into bitter tears, asking God for mercy for this unfortunate, sinful soul. Subsequently, I learned that on Wednesday, immediately after I left, S. called the footman and, worried, said to him: “But this is not good, I should give it,” but without finishing the words, he cried out: “Rather Kazan” and fell, deprived of speech and movement, struck by the blow. For two days his consciousness did not leave him, and he tried to say two words: “God, bring it,” and on Friday morning he died, still not understood by those around him. I positively became ill from the experience. In the evening and at night I kept imagining that someone was sighing near me, I felt someone’s constant presence near me and asked Father to come to me. In response to my expressed fear that I had killed S. with my speeches, that I was the culprit of his death, Father John scolded me: “Who are you to have the power to shorten or prolong someone’s life, this is the power of God, and you, undoubtedly, lifted all the dregs from his soul, and who knows, maybe this saved him from eternal torment; three days of enormous suffering and, perhaps, inner repentance could atone for a lot. Pray for him - it’s your duty.” From that time on, the image of S. ceased to bother me. It is difficult to remember, even more difficult to describe all the cases that could testify to the power of grace that mysteriously rested on Father John, about his insight, unconscious to him, as if mechanically, in cases when people needed it, but not when he had to protect himself. Once, deeply indignant at the hypocrisy of some people so close to him, I had the audacity to reproach him for his lack of foresight. “I thank God that I was not perspicacious, otherwise I would have stopped believing people and would not have been justified before God - everyone will answer for himself to the Lord,” he told me. And yet, how many times did I myself have to be amazed at this insight of his. So, on my estate, while blessing the people, he sharply pushed away the woman and her son, did not bless my shepherd, and subsequently it was discovered that this woman and her entire family were engaged in arson, but, without being caught before the time, continued to prosper, but was soon sentenced to exile, and the shepherd himself later publicly repented, realizing why he was deprived of the blessing. The personality of Father John made such a stunning impression on the local priest that he, recognizing himself as the most unworthy servant of the Lord in comparison, fell ill with mental illness, which cleansed him of much that was vicious and sinful before his death. Even in my memory, although without my personal participation, there was an incident in Petrograd, told to me by my husband’s brother, with his friend, a certain A., a large well-known businessman. One summer, in the absence of his family, this Mr. A.’s nose began to bleed and for 24 hours, despite the measures taken, it did not stop. A convened council of doctors recognized that a very serious operation was inevitable, which could have a disastrous outcome. For three days the bleeding did not subside, the patient was exhausted and agreed to the operation. On the eve of this day, Mr. A’s manager arrived - a deeply religious man and devoted to the owner. “Let me go to Father John, trust his prayers,” he begged his trustee. “Go wherever you want,” answered the patient, a person completely indifferent to religion. The next day, at the hour appointed for the operation, the doctors arrived, put on aprons, laid out a whole arsenal of instruments and lifted the patient to wash him before the operation. Blood flowed uncontrollably. Supported on both sides by doctors, the patient was standing near the washbasin when the manager quickly entered the room with a joyful face. “I personally saw Father,” he said hastily, “he sends his blessing, he said that God has a lot of mercy, you can do without surgery.” His words remained unanswered as worthless and of no interest to anyone; hardly anyone listened to them except my husband’s brother, who was deeply interested in the outcome of the case. “I felt kind of creepy, I regretted that this manager said them,” he told me. “I foresaw that they would become a pretext for ridicule, when suddenly the patient, twitching his nose, said: “Mr. Professor, the blood seemed to have stopped flowing.” “This can’t be, it’s a temporary blockage,” he answered self-confidently, “it’ll go again.” But there was no bleeding, and the doctors, after waiting for about an hour, left, leaving the assistant and postponing the operation until another day. But there was no need for it - the bleeding did not resume. More than six months passed, but A. did not forget what happened and, prompted by the manager, decided to go to Kronstadt to personally see Father, whom he had never seen before, and to thank him. He arrived at mass, held a prayer service and then, approaching the Cross, wanted to express his gratitude, when suddenly Father himself, warning him, said: “Well, by the grace of God, the blood stopped? Did you manage without surgery?” Thunder without a cloud would not have stunned him as much as these words spoken to him by a man whom he saw for the first time. “This is an absolutely amazing person, this Kronstadt Father,” he later said about his impression, and his disbelief was significantly shaken. And how many grateful people who always remember Father could confirm how truly amazing he was! A year and a half after my first meeting with Father, I returned from the estate to Petrograd, where my husband was soon to arrive from the city of Ch., where he served; settling into a new apartment, I waited for my husband’s arrival to invite Father to bless our home. Those who knew the activities of Father John remember how difficult it was in general to achieve his arrival, but for this to be unexpected, accidental, unexpected, it seemed that it would not have been dreamed of. It was Saturday, all the children were getting home from school, and my husband’s brother happened to come in with his wife and son; nothing seemed to foreshadow the blow from the cloudless sky when an urgent telegram was sent, announcing the sudden and hopeless illness of her husband. He had a stroke and my presence was required immediately. It is difficult to describe the confusion and depression of the entire family; an ominous silence immediately reigned; we had not yet recovered from the unexpected shock when the bell rang in the hall and Father John of Kronstadt came in, and this on Saturday, at the hour of the all-night vigil, unexpectedly and unexpectedly! “I found out that you arrived, I was driving past...” rang out his dear, gentle voice. My God! Is this not a dream? A minute later I was already at his feet; saving, soul-easing tears flowed from my eyes when I handed him the telegram I had just received. "Calm down! “Here I am with you in your sorrow, let’s pray.” And in my bedroom, in front of the icons, surrounded by my husband’s family, who had so accidentally gathered in their entire composition, Father John fervently prayed for the sick sufferer, who was dying alone a thousand miles from his family. It was as if Father, so revered and adored by all of us, read him a funeral prayer in his prayer, and I believe the relief for my poor husband at the terrible moment of the exodus of his soul. “Batiushka’s prayer replaced my father’s confession and communion,” said my second son, a sailor, and, by a strange coincidence, in turn received the same mercy from God, for on the day and hour of his death in the Battle of Tsushima, Father prayed for him, and probably also made the terrible hour of his death easier for him. “Do not ask for life for him,” Father told me, “but for the good and providential will of God for him.” Now I, too, know from my own experience that one should not oppose one’s will and one’s desire to the Providence of God. It was this very son that I begged from God with my maternal grief, when, after the doctors’ verdict, I telegraphed to Father John with a prayer for his salvation. Then he was saved, but for what? So that 15 years later, having gone through the crucible of training and many other sufferings of the child’s soul, in the prime of life and strength, die the most terrible death that befell the battleship Navarin. It is difficult, of course, not to understand and not to believe, reading these memories, how infinitely dear and sacred to our entire family is the memory of Father John of Kronstadt, this bright, kind genius of the mourning, hopeless and despondent. How many people and families, like ours, keep his radiant image in their grateful hearts, and with what excruciating pain these hearts respond every time this sacred name is thrown into mud, slop, groundlessly, without evidence, for no one knows even for what purpose. What terrible disrespect these pathetic people show for the feelings of the people, how they humiliate and disgrace themselves. For more than half a century, the name of Father John was popular and respected not only in Russia, but also abroad; He became famous for his deep faith in God, his love for the suffering people, to whom he remained faithful to the end, not seeking either honor or glory. His difficult, long-suffering life passed in front of everyone, among the people, the eternal crowd, running after him, looking for him, in the bustle and turmoil of its heterogeneous interests, without having any rest for months, years. Everywhere he brought help, consolation, consolation, from high nobles to the last beggar - everyone hurried to him and drew from the treasury of his heart, everyone according to their need. The greatest of the greatest people was Father John of Kronstadt, one should stand in silent surprise at the task of his life, and woe to those who, not being able to understand this, from their small, evil, empty hearts bring him blasphemy and reproach, who confuse him with the crowd that surrounded him, who see the infirmities, weaknesses, sins of this crowd in the bright face of Father John. All the great ascetics of the spirit saved themselves in the desert - they fled from people. Father John was doomed to never have an hour of rest and peace. When he was on my estate and I, by some miracle, managed to isolate him from those who followed him forever and everywhere, and when he could freely read, walk and pray alone for three days, he expressed pure childish joy and kept thanking both God and me. “May the Lord reward you for my rest!” Everyone who, like me, approached him only from the spiritual side, enriched his soul with the valuable treasures of his spirit, but, unfortunately, most of those close to him, those around him, exploited his immeasurable kindness, the gentleness of the feelings of his soul, did not take care of him, annoyed him, burdened him and, most importantly, gave evil people a reason to insult and vilify his name; pursuing his own petty, insignificant interests, they themselves became dark spots on his bright personality, and he believed flatterers, deceivers, and predators, because, not having deceit, lies and evil in his heart, he did not suspect him in other people, could not and did not want to suspect! This is the common fate of bright and pure people! Finishing my memories of dear Father, I think that it is the sacred duty of all of us, those close to him, but who did not know how to take care and cherish the treasures of his great, loving soul, we, who darkened the peace of his heart that ached for sinful people, who bothered him with our personal petty interests, we should finally cleanse his sacred memory from “our shadow.” I may not have been able to fulfill this task, this sacred duty to him, my speech and pen are weak, but God, who sees the intention, will help me, and in the hearts of those reading these lines He Himself will tell the unsaid, illuminate the dark, and dear, unforgettable Father John, who revived me to a new, conscious life, who shone for me on my path, will remember my sinful name before the Lord and help me carry the cross to the grave. my life and to fulfill, to the best of my ability, the covenants of our Divine Teacher, whose worthy disciple and follower he himself truly was. Hieromonk Iuvian. Chapters from autobiography I. Children's faith and the Kronstadt shepherd Father John By God's command, the book of my life was opened on January 24, 1880 in the Verkhne-Serginsky plant of the Krasnoufimsky district of the Perm province, in the family of the local priest Peter and Augusta Krasnoperov. My parent, both out of shepherding duty and out of spiritual attraction, together with my mother, were deeply religious people, in which faith they raised their children. In the initial years of his pastorate, my father was under the beneficial influence of two hermit elders who labored in the Verkhne-Serginsky plant. These elders were unknown to the world, but high before God, for their deeds testified to the holiness of their life hidden in God, to their high spiritual experience, to the exploits of faith and piety. Having acquired the gift of clairvoyance, they discovered it in fulfilled predictions. For example, they predicted a terrible fire that incinerated the entire Verkhne-Serginsky plant along with the church and 400 houses. When the Lord called me to this life, the elders told my mother to take care of the third boy, for something special awaits him in life. When asked by my parents: what special things await me in life, the elders replied that the Lord forbids them to talk about the future, but they give the commandment to my parents to “take care of the third boy.” In the family of my parents, at the time of my birth, there were, besides me, two more brothers, so the third child, whom the elders commanded to take care of, was the baby John, born on January 24, 1880 and enlightened by Holy Baptism on the 26th of the same month. I was one and a half years old when my parent transferred from the Verkhne-Serginsky plant to Kungur, which henceforth became the cradle of my childhood. When my parents left for Kungur, the elders again reminded my parents: “Let the mother take care of her child.” In the same sense, they later wrote to my parents in Kungur. As one example of the foresight of the mentioned elders, I can say the following. Already living in Kungur, my parent, burdened with family concerns and complex work assignments, allowed himself to perform the liturgy several times without reading the prescribed rule. Some time later, a man appeared in Kungur from the Sergin elders, who, on behalf of the elders, warned my parent that in the future, when preparing for service, he should read the rule, for omission of it constitutes a great sin. What was missed by the parent was prayerfully replenished by them, that is, by the elders, who read the rule for him every time he missed it. From this time on, my father prepared with special care each time to serve the liturgy. Everything that the Sergin elders predicted to my parents subsequently came true. Besides me, in my parents’ family there were three more brothers and the same number of sisters, but I spent my childhood alone: ​​the difference in character did not contribute to rapprochement, and as far as I remember from the depths of childhood, it was left to itself and to those accidents from which flow the paths of God’s Providence leading to salvation. It seems to me that it was not the education system, which was not fully applied in our family, but precisely the ways of God’s Providence that strengthened the spontaneity and warmth of faith in us. From the age of five, my parent began to take me with him to church. He then served in the Archangel Michael Church, in the Kungur city almshouse. When I was in church with my father, I did not take any active part in the church service, limiting myself only to standing at the altar during the service. It sometimes happened that, tired from standing during the all-night vigil, I immediately went to bed in the altar on two stools that stood behind the stove. Once it happened that my father, having served the all-night vigil, forgot me, who had fallen asleep in the altar, and realized it already when leaving home. They had to reopen the church, wake me up, who was resting peacefully in the altar, and take me home. One day on Easter week, being in the almshouse and going into the church before the service, I walked into the altar straight through the open Royal doors. The passionate services of Great Week brought me great consolation, but what joy I felt when, on bright mornings, I walked at the head of the procession around the church. On these occasions, we always walked along with my parent: in his right hand he carried a cross with a lit three-branched candlestick, and with his left he held my hand, protecting me from the pressing crowd of those praying and waiting in the almshouse. With what triumph and unearthly joy we used to be the first to enter the church, sparkling with bright lighting, while singing a wonderful Easter song! These holy impressions of a happy childhood can never be forgotten, when even childhood itself and its entire environment have irrevocably sunk into the depths of decades: they have left us in the distant, sweet, dear past. At this time I loved to organize processions of the cross in collaboration with my sisters or brothers: we would take the side boards from our cribs and walk through the rooms of the house singing church songs known to us, imagining a procession of the cross, and at that time one of us would strike a large copper tray, which represented the ringing of bells. When I grew up enough that I could leave the house alone, I loved to go to a nearby grove, and these walks were mostly solitary, without the participation of my brothers and sisters. As a child, I often visited the house of my grandfathers Ivan Timofeevich and Elena Ivanovna Fomin and always saw the Holy Cross hanging in the hall of their house along with other family shrines. My relatives treated this Cross with great reverence, and the whole story of the miracle of the Cross, which took place during the flight of the Pugachev gang from my native city of Kungur, was well known to me from early childhood. When I reached the age of eight, I was sent to study at the Kungur parish school. I don’t remember how or who, but at that exact time they told me about Father Seraphim of Sarov, and his image, full of charming power, remained forever in my soul. Some time later, from a book I read in class about St. Sergius, the Wonderworker of Radonezh, I formed my first impressions of the spiritual image of this wondrous saint of God, who from that time on became somehow especially close. The first lonely years of his life in a deep forest, a small monastery, tireless prayer and work, a visit to the Mother of God, miracles - all this was revealed with some kind of attractive force. The impressions of childhood are of the greatest importance for all life, and the soul has an amazing ability to store them within itself and reproduce them with positive accuracy after decades. When I was eleven years old, looking through the newspaper “Den”, which was then subscribed to, I noticed a feuilleton story published in this newspaper, “The Drunkards at Father John’s,” which told about the selfless service of the Kronstadt shepherd to various people outcast from society. This story influenced me so much that from that time on, Father John of Kronstadt became for me an object of curiosity, surprise and reverence. The personality of Father John fascinated me greatly, and from that time on my soul longed to see this wondrous servant of God and man. From then on, for the first time, the idea arose for me to visit Kronstadt and see for myself the illustrious shepherd, who gave all of himself to the Holy Church, to all the mourning and suffering. By the time being described, and this was in 1891, the name of Father John of Kronstadt was known in our distant Urals as the name of a prayerful pastor, a holy ascetic, whose fame was already thundering throughout the world, whom popular opinion surrounded with an aura of high holiness, that wonderful man in our time who gave everything for Christ and was, so to speak, the Elijah of his time. The beneficial pastoral influence of Father John extended to some citizens of our city of Kungur, who honored him as a righteous man and, believing in his prayers before God, asked for his advice, help, and guidance. And for all of them he was a true beacon of faith and life. In our house the name of Father John was also reverently revered. My parent also resorted to him in his pastoral labors, casting his sorrows, doubts and needs upon him. The parent did not receive answers to his questions from Father John, but according to his faith, it happened that the thorns of my parent’s pastoral ministry were softened by the prayers of the righteous shepherd Father John, and he cheerfully continued his further pastoral feat. When I reached the age of 15, my consciousness became stronger that my abilities were very poor and my health was poor. I began to feel the need for strong prayer help. Despite all my efforts, my studies were slow, and I was always one of the very last students in my class; this caused me a lot of mental suffering and torment, but it was not in my power to prevent them. At this time I was studying in Perm, at a theological school, and the consciousness of my powerlessness especially oppressed me before the exams; in these cases, for the first time, I began to write to Father John, asking for his prayerful help in moving to the next class. For my comrades and relatives, this remained a secret, but for the prayers of the righteous, as I undoubtedly believe, I successfully moved to the next class. In 1896, God helped me finish my studies at a theological school, but due to poor health and the same abilities, further education was a pipe dream for me... II. Teacher in a rural school After this, one year, which I spent under my parents’ roof to give myself the opportunity to physically recover from the labors of teaching, in October 1897 I became a teacher at a church school in the village of Shagirt, Osinsky district. This village, located in the southern part of the Perm province, on its very border, is quite prosperous, but almost its entire population is subject to split. There was no separate building for the school, and the latter was located in the vestibule of the local church, but this circumstance did not diminish the positive qualities of the school premises, because in terms of light and air the premises were quite satisfactory. In the time we are talking about, the existence of church schools was very difficult, because there were a lot of demands placed on them from all sides, and the reward for the enormous work of the teacher in these schools was 8 rubles or more. In addition, church schools required teachers with a particularly strong will, strong in spirit, powerful in their tirelessness and, like lamps, burning with their good deeds, for these workers of church education had more enemies than the sand of the sea. Given these conditions, the severity of my position in Shagirt was further increased by the fact that its population, hostile to the Orthodox Church and its representatives, did not greet me kindly at first. With God's help and under the guidance of the local priest, Father Anania Aristov, an excellent expert on the schism, I managed to position myself in relation to the schismatics in such a way that the latter, who had previously been alienated from the church school, now began to send their children to it and themselves began to treat me more trustingly. School things gradually improved and I liked them. Our school was mixed, with children of both sexes and different ages, but this did not create any inconvenience. In terms of morals and behavior, peasant children from villages remote from cities are much better than city and factory children. Due to intensive school work and overwork of the vocal organs, by the end of the first school year, my throat became very sore, so that I could hardly speak. Medicine did not help, it was certain that I had developed a chronic throat disease, which was causing me suffering. During this difficult time for me, I again turned to Father John of Kronstadt for help: I ​​wrote him a mournful letter and asked for his prayerful help. Two weeks passed after sending the letter, during which I not only did not receive treatment, but did not interrupt my studies at school for a day, when the throat illness stopped by itself and never returned. Having understood the prayerful help of the righteous Father John, my soul was filled with deep gratitude to him. From that time on, my intention to go to Kronstadt matured into final determination. From Sursky-Ilyashevich’s book “Father John of Kronstadt” we know about the miraculous recovery from the fatal illness of P.S. Voronov and about the blessed death of the latter, during which he was honored to be a spectator of the heavenly glory of Father John. The village of Verkh-Buevskoye, where P.S. lived. Voronov, is located 25 versts from Shagirt. Knowing about this exceptional and wonderful event, at the beginning of 1899 I wrote to P.S. Voronov and asked his permission to come to him personally. Pavel Semyonovich extremely kindly invited me to come to him on Friday during Holy Week, that is, February 26 of the mentioned year. I arrived at his place at noon. He greeted me in the most hospitable way: unusually kindly, affably and with great joy, like my own son, and for ten whole hours he continuously consoled me with his spiritual conversation, every now and then interrupted by his prayerful exclamations: “Lord, have mercy on us! Lord, forgive us! Reinforcing, encouraging and inspiring my determination to make a trip to Father John, he at the same time confirmed this with many very valuable and practical instructions and advice. He told me his act of miraculous healing in every detail. Between the interview, he treated me to a hearty lunch, dinner and tea. Having said goodbye in the most cordial way, like a father and son, he came out to accompany me to the porch of his house with a lantern in his hands, and as soon as the horse set off, he shouted after me: “With God - to Kronstadt!” This was the only and last meeting with the righteous elder P.S. Voronov, which remained forever unforgettable for me. Until the end of his life, Pavel Semenovich maintained written communication with me and helped me not only spiritually, but even financially, out of his exceptional mercy and rare kindness. This significant meeting and conversation with P.S. Voronov had the good result that my decision to go to Father John resulted from this conversation in its final form, despite any obstacles. Leaving for Kronstadt, I thought in my mind that I would return back in a few weeks; In view of this, he left many of his things in Shagirt, in addition, he did not stop by his parents on the way to say goodbye to them, even in Perm itself he did not say goodbye to his two sisters who studied at the diocesan girls’ school, and he also did not say goodbye to other relatives and friends who lived in Perm. I thought that I would visit Kronstadt, see Father John, receive his blessing and advice on choosing my type of life and occupation, and then return to my homeland in peace, but God judged otherwise, for from the Lord a person’s feet are straightened (Ps. 36:23). At noon on May 25, I boarded the ship and set off on a long and unknown journey. Going to the ship, I went along the way to the chapel standing on the pier, and with hot, tearful zeal I prayed before the icon of St. Stephen, the Angel of my native Perm church, and entrusted myself entirely to his heavenly guidance. With my last pennies I placed a candle here in front of the icon of the venerated saint. This was already the last prayer on our native land! Following along my native Kama, I had to pass through equally dear places: Okhansk, Osu, Kama-Votkinsk and Izhevsk factories, Zavyalovo, Golyany and Sarapul. Those are precisely the places where for several centuries my ancestors served the Holy Church, and in the village of Zavyalovo my great-great-grandfather completed his pastoral feat with martyrdom in the black year of the Pugachev era. Local legend speaks of it this way: the priest Father Alexy Krasnoperov, who served as priest in the black year of Pugachev in the village of Zavyalovsky, was captured by Pugachev’s gang, and was hanged by rebels at a country gate near the village of Zavyalov. When the valiant shepherd, who had exposed the robber Pugachev as an impostor, was led to death, the people crowding around him gave him lighted wax candles, with which he marched to the place of his execution. From the many candles that were in the hands of Father Alexy, the sufferer’s hands were doused with melted wax. Hanged on the crossbar of the village gate, he was immediately buried, along with other victims of the cruel atrocity of a gang of rebels. Memories from our family chronicle washed over me in a wave along the route of these places dear to me, and I considered it a great happiness for myself to leave the ship on my native land to bow to it, kiss it and be sanctified by its maternal touch... Descending the Kama, at dawn on May 28, we entered the Volga, where we soon passed Kazan and Nizhny Novgorod, with their Kremlins, ancient cathedrals, tombs of saints, princes and princesses - the gatherers of the Russian land, whose great images with all the power of feeling resurrected the historical destinies of the fatherland in the soul. The Kama and Volga were in full flood, wide and deep. In some places, the spring flood in the Volga reached dimensions that were unfathomable to the eye. Navigation was also in full swing: at times entire caravans of ships followed one after the other. The weather was wonderful. I stayed on the deck for hours at a time, admiring our beautiful Volga. I couldn’t breathe in the life-giving spring air, I couldn’t get enough of the wonderful panorama that this royal river and its surrounding delightful surroundings, historical cities and rich villages represented. In the evening, the smell of vegetation, the delicate aroma of spring flowers wafted from the shore, the singing of a nightingale was heard, the stars shone in the bright sky, and in the east, bluish, translucent shadows, like the thinnest veil, covered the mysterious distance!.. You won’t forget such a picture! Looking at all this, I thought: here it is, our dear, dear, incomparable Russia - that blessed land where something else is stored that is not found in other countries; that land where countless churches of God and many monastic monasteries are scattered across the face of our native land, where in the mysterious twilight of ancient cathedrals and churches Russian saints rest in silver shrines, where the faces of saints look sternly and sadly at the praying faces; that region where dense forests, vast steppes, and impassable swamps are still preserved... There are moments in life when suddenly, with a powerful and strong impulse, you understand how much you love your dear Motherland, how much you appreciate it! After a wide expanse and seeing the beauties of nature along the way, full of traditions of hoary antiquity and legends, St. Petersburg made a heavy impression on me. The huge stone buildings were overwhelming with their massiveness, and the extraordinary street traffic positively deafened me. In St. Petersburg, we stayed with a relative, a Motovilikha artisan who was traveling with us, on Sadovaya Street at house No. 84. A relative of our companion, a man with visible income, met us very cordially and completely free of charge. For me personally, this was a great blessing. In the evening of the same day, I was already in Kronstadt - the long-time goal of my aspirations, but, to my greatest chagrin, I did not find there the one for whom this trip was undertaken alone: ​​Father John had gone to his homeland for the summer, to the Arkhangelsk province, and was expected here no earlier than August 6. This news positively struck me!.. There are no words to convey my state of mind experienced that evening... This was the most difficult moment in my life, it was a test of all my faith in Father John... A feeling of boundless loneliness, complete helplessness and spiritual orphanhood enveloped me from everywhere... Extremely saddened and depressed, I stood alone in the vast desert of the world, all my hope and all my hope relying only on the Lord God and His all-powerful help. After spending the night in a hotel and praying in St. Andrew's Cathedral during Matins and early liturgy, continuing to experience the same feeling of loneliness and spiritual loneliness, I went to the grave of the righteous old woman Theodora Vlasyevna, the mother of Father John, where I prayed in complete solitude at her grave, asking for her help and intercession so that the Lord would not deprive me of the great mercy of seeing the righteous Father John and receiving his gracious advice and prayer blessing. With warm hope and joy in my heart, I left the chapel built on the grave of the righteous mother Father John. In the evening of that day, from two persons of completely different social positions, I was given spiritual advice - to go to Valaam for a while and live in it until August 6, and then return to Kronstadt. This advice - to go to Valaam - was subsequently sanctified by Father John and, as it were, confirmed by the saints with his blessing that I would be permanently installed in the Valaam monastery... On June 6, Trinity Day, I set off on the steamship “Alexander” to Valaam, unknown to me, full of anxious thoughts about what awaits me on Valaam and whether the Father Superior will accept a stranger to him? Driving along the Neva, I looked with understandable curiosity “at the banks of the Great Neva,” so familiar to me from historical descriptions from childhood, the banks of which presented a completely different landscape compared to the banks of the rivers I had seen: the Kama and the Volga. I won’t say that this comparison is in favor of the Neva. But I was pleasantly struck by the huge expanse of Lake Ladoga and the vast expanse of water of this greatest lake-sea. We reached the island of Konevets, taking advantage of the calm weather, but the next day, upon leaving for the island of Valaam, we began to be tossed around so much and such a strong storm arose that not only the majority of the passengers, but even the steamship servants, accustomed to the pitching of the sea, all became seasick. Beyond my expectations, the sea motion did not affect me at all: without experiencing the slightest bouts of seasickness, I walked freely along the deck of the ship rocking on the waves, admiring the picture of the angry water element that I had never seen before. At this time, one young man, also free from attacks of seasickness, comes up to me and offers to engage in conversation, so that in his enthusiasm he does not succumb to the surrounding painful influence. We started getting acquainted. My interlocutor, Alexander Ivanovich Zhadanovsky, the supervisor of the Sumy Theological School, made an extremely pleasant impression on me both with his attractive appearance and with his spiritual beauty. He told me that, with the blessing of Father John of Kronstadt, he was looking for a contemplative life, and showed me a letter from Father himself, in which he advised Mr. Zhadanovsky to take monasticism. Now the latter was going to Valaam to pray and take a closer look at monasticism. Carried away by the conversation with A.I. Zhadanovsky, we did not notice how the ship was already approaching the island of Valaam, which captivated us with the majestic beauty of its nature and the gloomy picturesqueness of the rocks, scattered in artistic disorder among the mirror of waters, with delicate cuts of greenery. On June 7, at two o'clock in the afternoon, the Lord blessed me for the first time to enter the sacred mountains of Valaam, consecrated by the prayerful exploits of the Monks Sergius and Herman, Valaam wonderworkers. Here we stayed in the same room with A.I. Zhadanovsky and devoted the first three days to viewing the shrines, churches and hermitages of the monastery. On the 10th, Mr. Zhadanovsky left Valaam further, leaving behind the memory of a most wonderful person, rare kindness and spiritual wealth. During this short time, I became so accustomed to A.I., I became so sincerely attached to him that, after seeing him off from Valaam, I felt sadness and loss for him for a long time. Subsequently, Mr. Zhadanovsky, having completed his education at the Moscow Theological Academy, actually accepted monasticism with the name Arseny, was the abbot of the Chudov Cathedral Monastery in Moscow and, in the rank of bishop, vicar of the Russian Patriarchate. Remembering the first days of the search for monasticism, he occasionally did not leave me with his letters. With the beginning of the revolution, not wanting to enter into any compromises with the godless authorities that had captivated Russia, he withdrew from official church service. In 1932, the Most Reverend Arseny was arrested by the Bolsheviks and imprisoned in the “Bear Mountain” camp, or “Medgora” in Bolshevik jargon. This terrible “Medgora” was such a monster of Bolshevik hell, especially for the Orthodox clergy, that rare prisoners came out of there alive, most of them were shot quietly on the long winter nights. Since 1932, all news about Vladyka Arseny was interrupted: apparently, he completed his archpastoral feat with martyrdom. After conducting A.I. Zhadanovsky, on the same day I went to the abbot of the monastery, Abbot Gabriel, who blessed me to stay in the monastery, put on monastic clothes and join the fraternal labors of the monastery, in the implementation of which time passed imperceptibly until the Transfiguration. At Valaam I was oppressed by such a longing for my homeland and my relatives who remained there that I positively could not find any relief from the melancholy that oppressed me. General work was too much for me, but there was an advantage that in this work time passed unnoticed for me, whereas on holidays it was doubly difficult. All this time I lived in the bright hope of seeing Father John, receiving his blessing to choose one kind of life or another, and then leaving for my homeland. The long-awaited Transfiguration has finally arrived. Having prayerfully celebrated this beloved holiday in the holy monastery, on August 8 I left Valaam for Kronstadt, where I arrived the next day in the evening and stayed this time at the House of Diligence. Here I was happy to learn that Father was already in Kronstadt and the next day he would serve mass in the house church of the city duma. V. Blessing of Father John of Kronstadt August 10, 1899 is the greatest day in my life, the day of the fulfillment of my cherished desires and many years of uncontrollable aspirations: on this memorable and unforgettable day for me, the Lord finally granted great mercy to see for the first time the righteous man and man of prayer of the Russian land, Father John of Kronstadt, and then to receive his holy blessing and advice on choosing a kind of life. I was preparing to accept the latter with complete humility as a direct definition of the will of God, for my faith told me: whatever Father John commanded must undoubtedly be the command of God Himself. In the deep morning of this day, with my heart trembling with delight and impatient anticipation, I headed to the Assumption Church of the City Duma. The latter was still closed, but a large crowd of people was already standing in front of the church doors. At five o'clock in the morning the church was opened, and the crowd quickly poured into the church. The wave of the people carried me to the salt itself, opposite the Royal Doors, where I had to stay at the bars for the entire duration of the service, from where everything was perfectly visible and audible. Matins was performed by one of the visiting priests, but Father John himself came out to read the canon in the choir. Thin, of average height, with wonderful blue eyes, with an expression of great love on his face, he seemed to come from a land of light and truth, mercy, love and goodness. Those of us who had never seen Father John before had no need to say that it was he, for out of thousands of priests he was recognizable by his inspired appearance, by those radiant eyes, by that clear expression on his face, burning with the fire of inner feeling, which reflected his childishly pure soul. From the very first words of the Transfiguration Canon, read by Father John: “Moses on the mountain, prophetically seeing the fiery glory of the Lord in a cloud and a pillar of old, cried out: Let us sing to our Deliverer God,” as if an electric current ran through the crowd of worshipers, forcing everyone to perk up, concentrate and go deeper into prayer. I don’t have enough words to convey the impression that Father John made with his unusual reading: it was not a simple reading, but a living, enthusiastic glorification of God, combined with lamentation about the sinfulness of human nature. Tenderness, hope, joy, sadness and the deepest reverence were heard in this wonderful reading. Father John read loudly, clearly, sharply and nervously, as if tearing each word from his heart, and his voice penetrated into the very soul, acting like a healing balm on its wounds. Father’s sacred delight and tenderness were transmitted to those praying, so that all of them, having grief in their hearts, glorified God with one mouth and one heart. Matins went on in its own order, through the sixth song of the canon, while reading the ikos, I was struck to the very heart by the mournful prayerful cry of Father John, which escaped him in the words: “Rise up, lazy ones, who have always sunk to the ground, the thoughts of my souls, rise up and rise to the height of the Divine ascent. Let us come to Peter and to the Zebedees, and together with them we will reach the Mount of Tabor, so that we may see with them the glory of our God, and hear the voice that we have heard from above and preached the Father’s radiance.” Oh, this is “Rise up, you lazy ones...”! If only I could convey how it was pronounced! I am sure that this fiery exclamation shook more than one heart in a church full of worshipers. But the words are pale, my thoughts are cold, and I have no means of expression to convey the impression that was reflected on my heart and remained forever in my soul from this mournful cry of Father Father John. Twenty long years have passed since this significant Matins in my life, but to this day this fiery exclamation of Father John incessantly sounds in my soul and in my auditory memory, sounds with all the intonations of his rare voice, imperiously calling for the ordering of my life - lazy and careless. Deeply aware of my incorrigible laziness and extreme backwardness in matters of faith and piety, I attribute to myself personally the deepest sorrow of Father, which escaped him along with the initial words of the ikosa, and I see in this a direct indication of the Providence of God for the correction of my life... Having finished reading the canon, Father went to the altar and then went out again to the choir to read the stichera of praise, which he read with the same prayerful ascent. Matins is over. Burning with a holy feeling and himself completely illuminated by inner prayerful burning, Father John began to serve the Divine Liturgy, which represented extraordinary, invincible, captivating prayer behind his service. The deepest concentration and fervor of prayer broke through in the exclamations he uttered, which Father pronounced with a special expression, in a metallic sonorous voice, emphasizing some words. What peace and love the words breathed in his mouth: “The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God and the Father, and the communion of the Holy Spirit, be with you all”; with what aspiration to the heights of heaven the word “woe” sounded in the exclamation: “Woe are our hearts”; with indescribable enthusiasm, the loud exclamation of Father John followed again: “We thank the Lord”; how powerfully, triumphantly, truly victoriously, the words were uttered: “Singing the song of victory, crying, calling and speaking!!!” It was evident that the gracious shepherd was completely devoted to the sacred memories of the last days of Christ the Lord; he, as it were, was mentally present in the upper room of Zion and was in a hurry to joyfully proclaim to the people the great words of promise. Turning to the people, loudly and with deep faith, Father continued the following exclamations: “Take, eat, this is My Body, broken for you for the remission of sins.” While pronouncing these exclamations, Father especially emphasized the words: “what is broken for you” and “what is poured out for you and for many.” A special sacred awe was reflected in his voice and in the force with which he pronounced these words “for you.” That’s what was heard in these minutes in Father’s voice: this Holy Blood was shed for you; for you, for those very ones who are standing here in the church at these moments, and not just for those who stood at the Cross of the Lord. It was shed not for abstract humanity, but for living people and for each individual, including this Blood was shed for you and for your sins! “Yours from Yours, what is offered to You for everyone and for everything,” Father John again prayerfully proclaimed, placing special emphasis on the word “about all,” pronouncing it more drawn out than the others. His kind soul felt that the people who had gathered in large numbers in this church from everywhere especially needed his prayerful help, and he prayed fervently for everyone. Before the Lord’s Prayer, with great filial boldness, Father uttered the exclamation: “And grant us, O Master, with boldness, without condemnation, to dare to call upon You the Heavenly God of the Father and say the words,” and then in a higher voice he continued: “Our Father,” reading to himself the further words of this prayer. The expression on Father John's face changed during the service: now it was darkened by the shadow of sorrow, now illuminated by the rays of great Christian love, now lit up with unshakable faith in God. Extraordinary spiritual joy, heavenly peace and tranquility, indestructible strength and power were reflected on his face after receiving the Holy Mysteries. The liturgy has ended, which is a continuous prayerful outburst to God, a great, sacred moment! After the liturgy, Father left the church through the internal passage, got into the provided droshky and drove away. With a soul overflowing with high reverent feelings and holy emotions, with a heart full of sacred awe and religious inspiration, as if enchanted, as if descending from heaven to earth, we left the service of Father John in the Duma church. In the House of Diligence, where we returned from church, we were warned that Father would be here today. Indeed, around noon Father arrived here, and while he was walking around the individual rooms, at this time the residents of the dormitory rooms and outside visitors gathered in the common room on the top floor of the building. I was lucky enough to stand right next to the grating in this hall, which protected the icons and devices for the blessing of water from the large crowd of worshipers who usually gathered in this hall for general prayer services. Some tedious time passed. The general movement and excitement of the people gathered here announced the arrival of Father John. Indeed, Father, accompanied by his psalm-reader, quickly entered the hall and immediately began to perform a prayer service. His childishly blissful face, joyful, bright, with a brilliant, inspired, piercing, but far from the world gaze, bore a reflection of what prayer and worship revealed to him. His voice was heard again, it penetrated into the very soul and lay on the heart. Having finished the prayer service, Father took everyone in the hall to the Cross and sprinkled it with blessed water. Here they surrounded him on all sides with their sorrows, with their grief and need, with complaints, with tears. You had to have a lot of love for your neighbor in your heart in order to patiently listen to all this, understand, and most importantly, respond so warmly and sympathetically to all these fragmentary, timid prayers of suffering people, as Father John listened and responded to them. Entire everyday dramas took place here one after another!.. From the mass of people gathered here, a decently dressed lady attracted special attention: a mournful expression of severe, hopeless grief was imprinted on her face and was clearly reflected in her eyes, looking with hope at Father John. Falling on her knees in front of him, sobbing, she aloud told everyone her grief: her husband, who served in one of the commercial establishments, committed an involuntary embezzlement of a rather large sum; All this should come to light one of these days. There is no one to expect help from, the only and last hope is Father John. While the lady was pouring out her grief before him, Father looked at her with the gaze of the greatest compassion and apparently prayed in his soul, then he took a voluminous bag of money from his pocket and, having collected all the silver from the dish, handed it all to the lady with the words: “Take this! I have nothing else. Don’t despair: no one like God!” Then Father consoled the sorrowful mother, who brought him her sick child: the latter was shown warm sympathy in the form of fervent prayer for him; talked with the Athonite monk, sternly reprimanding him something... A long line of people approached him with various pleas, and his sensitive soul, full of loving responsiveness, immediately noticed who needed support and help, and he went to the suffering soul, bringing joy and healing. No one left unconsoled: Father was simple, affectionate, and courteous with everyone; in all his words and actions his boundless love for people, soul-grabbing pity and that insight that is so characteristic of him were clearly evident. I was so overwhelmed by the unprecedented spectacle of this selfless service of Father John to suffering humanity that, standing two steps away from him, I could not find what to say about myself, what to ask for myself from Father? At these moments, one thing was enough for me: listening and looking at this wonderful man, to whom my soul had longed since childhood, whose humble appearance, his open, peaceful face, gentle blue eyes, strong words that touched the strings of the heart and evoked tears of contrition, and, finally, the grace of God, so obviously acting through him, all this irresistibly attracted the people to him. Therefore, I was immeasurably happy from my proximity to this holy man, and on that day I did not have the courage to ask Father about myself. The next day, Father John celebrated Matins and Liturgy in St. Andrew’s Cathedral, and yesterday’s impression of his wondrous service intensified even more. On this day, Father again visited his House of Diligence and also served a general prayer service in the upper hall. After the prayer service, lines of mournful people again reached out to him, and Father, with his well-aimed tongue and caressing voice, spoke to these people who were crowding towards him, giving advice from his heart and mind, which had just been enlightened at the Lord’s Table. Standing near the very bars that separated Father John from the people, I observed with what self-sacrifice this gracious shepherd gave himself to the service of his numerous flock, with what sympathy and kindness he entered into all their needs and sorrows. Having given myself over to these observations, I seemed to forget about why I came here, and not a single sound reminded me of myself. I don’t know if I had the determination to ask Father about myself, if only those around me had not reminded Father John about me: “What a young man who came from Valaam asks for your blessing, does he need to live on Valaam?” Although these words did not quite correspond to the spiritual needs that I wanted to sanctify with Father’s blessing, I did not dare interrupt this speech and tremblingly awaited what Father John would tell me. Father, taking a quick look at me, replied: “Why not live!” And with these words, accompanied by a large crowd of visitors who were here, he quickly left the hall. At first, these words did not satisfy me: I thought that on my part it was necessary to clarify to Father John my situation and all the spiritual needs that were weighing on me, and also to ask for his advice and guidance on choosing the type of life. But, on reflection, I was convinced that there was no reason for me to bother Father with a second question and that the will of God, spoken through his lips, was clear and immutable: I needed to live on Valaam until the time specified by God! In addition, as soon as Father John uttered his words showing me the way to Valaam, from that moment my hitherto uncontrollable attraction to my homeland immediately ceased; The longing for my family and the spirit of hopeless sadness that tormented me during this time faded away. My soul felt joyful, peaceful, light, and how a quiet breath drew me to Valaam, which from that moment became especially close and dear! Having understood the will of God and being completely at peace with this decision, I remained in Kronstadt for a few more days in order to be able to fulfill the duty of confession here. In the following days, Father served daily in the cathedral and regularly visited the House of Diligence, where he was constantly besieged by crowds of people who needed his advice and prayer. Whose only child died, and the parents could not find a place for themselves due to grief. Who has a wife of an evil character? There a woman is abandoned by her loved one. Here they get married and ask for blessings. Human infirmities and sins, unbearable human sorrows, a huge burden of various affairs and everyday relationships - all this was seething around this priest. Through him they sought God's blessing in purely worldly interests, but they sought even more uncontrollably to satisfy the spiritual thirst that burned their souls. And the loving shepherd “was everything to everyone,” as if he did not have a personal life, which he devoted entirely to serving God and his neighbors: he suffered from their illnesses, bore their infirmities and was an earthly comforter angel for them! Living these days in Kronstadt, in this modest, quiet monastery of a gracious shepherd, I consider these days the happiest in my life, for here my spiritual eyes were opened to the passage of the subsequent path of life; it was a holiday of the soul, and it will forever remain engraved on the tablets of my heart. I watched Father these days during the service and during the hours of his communication with the people. I couldn’t help but notice the main visible trait of his character, which was sincerity, meekness and the greatest love for his neighbor; These qualities were inseparably linked with affection towards people and charm that exceeded all expectations. As Father John himself once testified, he was given from above the gift of evoking a religious feeling in people, and this was involuntarily felt at the mere sight of this holy man, in whose presence the best feelings awoke in all those around him, the best ideal sides of their character were refreshed, and revived. The Kronstadt shepherd has always been a martyr to the crowd. Of the many well-known cases that prove this truth, I will tell you one case that I had to witness. One day, Father, having visited the said House of Diligence and heading in the lower corridor to the main exit, remembered that he had left his hat on the top floor and asked those around him to bring him the forgotten hat. But it was not so easy to fulfill this simple request of Father John: all the stairs in the house leading from the upper floors were crowded with people, and, in addition, massive iron hooks were thrown along the flights of stairs in order to hold back the people's desire. While the sent man with great difficulty made his way to the top floor to get his hat, meanwhile the people, despite all the barriers, surrounded Father on all sides and, in a fit of spiritual zeal, forgot all caution in handling him: they pressed and pushed him in all directions, rushing to receive the blessing of their beloved shepherd. Despite the pushes and crush, squeezed from everywhere, Father John looked with a gentle smile at the crowd crowding him. This picture was sharply imprinted in my memory, and I now imagine the meek appearance of Father John, crowded by the people, in whose eyes, in the words addressed to the people, and in his very voice there was so much sincere kindness and warm sympathy that the heart opened like a child and involuntary tears came to the throat... In the midst of such unforgettable experiences, time imperceptibly approached the feast of the Dormition of the Blessed Virgin Mary, on the eve of which a general confession was scheduled in the cathedral. VI. At a general confession with Father John of Kronstadt Early in the morning of August 14, at the beginning of the 5th hour, we went to the cathedral, which was still closed, but a dense crowd of pilgrims poured into it in a wide stream. At five o'clock Father John arrived, he was driven straight to the side entrance to the altar and here he was carried into the altar in the arms of the carriage, since otherwise he would have been intercepted by the crowd of people who rushed here in large numbers. With the arrival of Father John, Matins began, which Father performed. As usual, the canon came out to read on its own, captivating and captivating everyone with its prayerful impulse and lively, enthusiastic glorification of God. By the end of Matins, the huge St. Andrew's Cathedral, which can accommodate over five thousand people, was so filled with people that the massive cast-iron bars separating the altar with the solea from the middle part of the church could hardly hold back the onslaught of the large crowd. In addition, the soleya of the main altar was also fenced off from the church by another row of thick oak bars, since the cast iron grilles alone on the soleya would not have withstood the spontaneous pressure of a crowd of five thousand. At the end of Matins, the rule for Holy Communion was read, except for the prayers of confession, which were then read before confession itself. After reading the rule, the liturgy began, at the beginning of which whole large baskets of prosphora and notes were served. They were also carried into the altar behind bars arranged along the northern wall of the entire church, because there was no other way to carry them into the altar due to the multitude of people who densely filled the entire cathedral. Father, with a special prayerful upsurge, performed the liturgy, which went on in its own order until the moment of communion of the clergy. Having received the Holy Mysteries, during the sacrament, Father John left the altar and began to speak a lesson before confession, which he began directly with the words: “You have all lied, you have all become corrupted, and sincere and tearful repentance is necessary for you,” - continuing in this tone about the Sacraments of Confession and Communion, he spoke simply, without any floridness, but so sincerely and convincingly that the words of the shepherd involuntarily sank into heart. Having said the lesson beforehand and continuing to face the people, Father loudly and touchingly began to read the first prayer of repentance: “God our Savior, like Thy prophet Nathan, who repented of his sins to David, granted forgiveness...”, after reading which he again continued his teaching. In it, he said that since the time of Adam and Eve, people have become susceptible to sin, but repentance and correction are possible for every person. God, in His great mercy, forgives even the most serious sinners, and the preacher pointed to the kings David and Manasseh as striking examples of repentance and correction, in whose faces, having sinned gravely and forgiven by the immeasurable mercy of God, we have clear examples of sincere and deep repentance. Having finished the explanation of the first prayer, Father moved on to reading the second prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God...”, after reading which an interpretation also followed. At the end of the sermon, Father John, turning to the local icon of the Savior, began to fervently pray aloud for mercy for these sinners who stood before Him. The people in the church listened with trepidation to the inspired words of their shepherd’s prayer and fervently prayed with him. Then Father John, again turning to the people, exclaimed: “Repent, repent all sincerely, hiding nothing before God,” and began to list some sins, but his voice was soon covered with groans, screams and sobs of almost the entire cathedral. Some of the penitents, with their right hand raised upward, forgetting about their surroundings, with the greatest contrition, in the loud voice of the entire cathedral, boldly confessed their most secret sins; others silently shed bitter tears; the entire crowd of people, several thousand people, was imbued with one great feeling of repentance... And he - the incomparable shepherd - at that time fell silent and from the height of the pulpit tenderly looked down at the thousands of sobbing people standing before him; looked with an infinitely affectionate, infinitely powerful, joyful gaze; he looked straight into the soul, subdued it, called it with him. Himself, apparently excited and, as it were, elevated above the level of the usual state of spirit, he stood before all the people in the indescribable greatness of the ingenuous frankness of faith, in the irresistible charm of heavenly purity and in the power of the all-conquering power of Divine love, as a powerful and indestructible Christian moral force... The eyes of the people looked at him with great hope, and contrition and joy, delight and tenderness were visible in them; as if they found in the face of Father John standing before them something familiar, dear, infinitely close to their hearts; we felt that a person could be beautiful and holy, and there is such a person: here he stands before us! And everything that was beautiful in everyone, all of this rose to the surface of everyone’s soul. Some kind of unearthly power then rose in the purified soul of every person: it was a wondrous power, the power of goodness, truth and faith, moving mountains, elevating us above our vices! By the end of the confession, almost all the repentants were crying uncontrollably, and Father himself, again fervently praying before the image of the Savior, wept along with the sobbing people: large drops of tears rolled down his face... He cried for us! He washed away the filth of our sins with his pure tears! Yes, Father John wept, uniting his tears with the tears of his repentant flock, and like a truly good shepherd of the flock of Christ, his soul grieved for his sheep! Isn't this the best proof of holy, evangelical love for one's neighbor? Isn’t this love deep, all-encompassing, sorrowful, suffering, washing away the sins of one’s neighbor with its pure tears?.. At that moment, the contrition of the repentant people reached its highest degree: the huge cathedral seemed to tremble from the cries of the people that shook it. The excitement of the spirit and the closeness of the people were so great that some of the worshipers, standing near the sole of the middle altar, pressed by a huge crowd against the bars, lost consciousness, and they were carried right over the heads of the people in their arms to the western doors. The very floor of the cathedral became completely wet, as if from abundant dew that appeared on its surface. But among these groans and cries, the authoritative voice of Father John was heard, asking the people to calm down. Obedient to his voice, all the penitents immediately fell silent and looked at him with joyful hope. Then Father asked if everyone had repented, if everyone wanted to improve. “Repent, dear Father, we want to improve, pray for us,” the crowd roared unanimously and humbly bowed their heads, expecting forgiveness and resolution of sins. Father John placed his epitrachelion on the humbly bowed people and read a prayer of permission. A joyful sigh echoed throughout the cathedral. This was followed by the removal of the Holy Gifts, and after the prayer was read, communion began. Before Communion, Father announced to the people: “Whoever has especially grave, mortal sins, let him confess in the side chapel to the next priest, and whoever committed fornication yesterday, do not approach the Chalice of Christ!” The cathedral, terribly crowded with people, was all taking communion. The communion of all confessors in two chapels lasted for four hours, and during this time none of the communicants left the church. At the end of the liturgy and after reading the prayer of thanks, Father John again went to the pulpit and joyfully congratulated everyone on the acceptance of the Body and Blood of Christ, which forever and ever serves as the sanctification and purification of our souls. At the end of the third hour of the day it was all over. The tireless Father, who had been in the cathedral for ten hours in a state of highest spiritual tension on his divine guard, 19, at the end of everything, left the cathedral through the side altar doors and again went to the city to continue his great pastoral feat. On this day, the Lord vouchsafed me to partake of His Holy Mysteries. Returning to the House of Diligence, we had to change our costume, which was completely damp for each of us from the excitement and terrible cramped conditions experienced in the cathedral. Here, in the circle of other visitors to Father John, we shared our impressions of the general confession for a long time, and before our mental eyes, as if alive, stood the kind, spiritual figure of Father John among the repentant and sobbing crowd of people. The next morning, on the feast of the Dormition of the Mother of God, having prayed for the last time in the Assumption Duma Church, I headed to St. Petersburg, where I found shelter in a kind family on Sadovaya Street. Over the next five days, one of the children of the family that sheltered me showed me the shrines and sights of our northern capital. On August 20, having warmly thanked the family that sheltered me, I headed to Valaam, where I was strongly drawn after the famous words of Father John. On the way, he stopped at the Konevsky Monastery, where he continued to fast and pray. On August 27, at three o'clock in the afternoon, he finally arrived at Valaam and settled here, obedient to the blessing of the great shepherd of the Russian Church. If during the days of my initial life on Valaam I was tormented by hopeless melancholy and sadness, then having now returned to this holy monastery, crowned with the blessing of Father John of Kronstadt, I no longer experienced the feeling of sadness that tormented me; on the contrary, this time I returned to Valaam as if to my home. Homesickness also faded away in my heart, and I lost all desire to go to my homeland, which I never visited over the next twenty years; I believe that I won’t have to see my native places at all... Upon returning from Kronstadt to Valaam, I notified my parents and the Shagirt priest Father Anania Aristov about this. The first ones sent their parental blessing for my installation in the Valaam monastery, and Father Ananias reported that the inhabitants of Shagirt were very sorry for my departure, and the children of my school, having learned that I would no longer have to return to them, “all cried,” as priest Aristov put it. VII. Second meeting with Father John of Kronstadt Having lived on Valaam for two years, on October 12, 1901, I arrived in St. Petersburg to serve my military service and, taking advantage of the opportunity to visit Kronstadt, on October 25 I came here and again stayed at the House of Diligence. Here I found two Valaam novices, Sergius Pakhomov and Theodot Ignatiev, who also came to the Kronstadt Father for advice. While waiting for the opportunity to have a personal meeting with Father John, all three of us went together to services at St. Andrew’s Cathedral, where Father served daily. On the 26th there was a general confession, which attracted many pilgrims from the capital to Kronstadt. Once again we experienced the unforgettable impressions of this wondrous confession and inspired service of Father John. And this time the Lord vouchsafed me to receive communion in St. Andrew’s Cathedral, which is dear to me. October 30, 1901, like August 11, 1899, is an unforgettable day for me, full of the most precious memories and holy impressions, for on this rare day in my life I was honored to receive the blessing of Father John of Kronstadt for the second time and hear from his lips the decision of my entire life’s destiny. Thanks to the kindness of one person from the administration of the House of Diligence, a separate room No. 1 was put at our disposal, where we were to see dear Father that day and accept his advice and blessing. At noon, Father John arrived at the House of Diligence and, after a general prayer service in the hall, began to visit individual rooms. All three of us, secluded in our room, waited with great impatience, joy and excitement for Father to come to us. It was already the first hour of the day, you could hear Father walking around the neighboring rooms, gradually approaching ours. Here he is in the last room in front of us, and then his voice was heard next door to us. Several more agonizing minutes passed, which seemed like an eternity to us. Suddenly the doors to our room swung open. Father John entered. As I remember now, he entered very quickly, with a young and hasty gait; with a burning, piercing gaze, shining with youthful brilliance, with a bright blush on his cheeks. In his entire figure, in his movements, in the sounds of his voice, which blessed the beginning of the prayer service, one could feel the wonderful inspiration of a man who had not yet cooled down from the prayerful impulse, sublimely inflamed by his great power activity and selflessly ready for countless new feats. Now that Father John of Kronstadt, to whom my soul had been striving since childhood, appeared again before me; appeared in all its irresistible grandeur and intimacy. Charm came over me from the indescribable happiness of being as close as at this single moment of my life, with such a righteous man and prayer book of the Russian land as Father John of Kronstadt. That warmth of feeling and the element of immediate faith, which across the space of centuries I guessed when I thought about the first pilgrims who went to St. Sergius for advice and blessing; that sea of ​​immense love poured out on suffering humanity by the great righteous man of our time, the Reverend Father Seraphim, now stood before me alive... I felt joyful and warm, and I felt that what was happening now before me was truthful, good and immeasurably valuable. At the same time, it was clear and irrefutable to me that if Father John had now been told that he would face martyrdom for the holy faith, he, as if nothing had happened, just as boldly and confidently now entered our room... And I saw with my own eyes the difficult life of this wonderful man in our time and the burdens of others that he so selflessly took upon himself. While these thoughts were rushing through my head in a swarm, Father, having entered our room, stopped in front of the icon, blessed the beginning of the prayer service and plunged into prayer... The words of prayer in his mouth were imbued with the invincible power of faith, involuntarily evoking a prayerful mood in all of us. I stood next to the table where there was an icon and a bowl of blessed water, before which Father performed a short prayer service, and I was overcome by the same prayerful delight that I experienced during the service of this gracious shepherd in the Assumption and St. Andrew’s churches. Seeing and hearing how, among the submitted notes, Father remembered my note, which contained only one name: about the health and salvation of the grieving Priest Peter - my parent, involuntarily carried away by the prayerful impulse of Father John, I prayed with all my heart for my grieving parent, so that God would help him in his difficult life path and would show me the path that He would like me to follow in the life ahead. Sweet tears welled up in my eyes, God seemed so close to me and the fulfillment of my desires so possible... At this time, Father John finished this unforgettable and only prayer service in my life. Then, turning to us, he asked what we needed. ...I was the last to come up and, falling into the hand of Father John, said that, with his blessing, I had lived on Valaam for two years, and now I had come to St. Petersburg to report to the military presence. For me, the question arises about choosing a type of life: having lived in the monastery for two years, I feel an inclination towards monastic life, and therefore I ask Father to bless me on Valaam. To this Father John replied: “Yes, the Lord will bless!” And with these words he quickly left our room. It was exactly one o'clock in the afternoon on October 30, 1901. With these words, Father John of Kronstadt forever decided the fate of my whole life: in the sense of settling on Valaam and then accepting monasticism! Will I ever forget this “Yes, the Lord bless”? Will I forget that incomparable, touching tenderness, penetrating to the marrow of my bones, with which these words were spoken? Oh, never, never!!! This is the subtlest, most indelible, most precious impression of my entire life, and it can only die with me! Like the sweetest heavenly music, these words of Father John, indescribably dear to me, sound in my heart: with them I went into monastic life, carrying forever in my soul the great image and indelible impression of these words as an invaluable spiritual treasure for me. The next day, having prayed for the last time in St. Andrew’s Cathedral during the wonderful service of Father John, I mentally said goodbye to Father forever, not expecting to see him again in this life. Indeed, in the following time I no longer had to see Father John. During his lifetime, Father John of Kronstadt honored the Valaam monastery and willingly blessed those who wished to asceticize in this monastery; Thus, many of the Valaam monks are saved here by the prayers and blessing of Father John, whose majestic image, full of charm and unearthly beauty, is for them a true light in all the oppression that is inevitable in real life. This wondrous image remained forever in their souls as an indelible monument of high moods and unforgettable impressions they received from the sanctifying and uplifting communication with Father John, through whose prayerful intercession may the Lord God guide us all to the quiet and unbreakable haven of eternal life! Abbess Taisiya (Solopova). Conversations between Father Archpriest John and the abbess of the St. John the Baptist Leushinsky first-class monastery Having had the good fortune to be in the closest spiritual relationship for more than 35 years with my unforgettable father, Archpriest John Sergiev (Kronstadt), who died in God, I often talked with him, sometimes for a long time and in detail, about subjects of a spiritual, sublime nature. Taking advantage of such opportunities, I tried to ask him questions related to my personally spiritual, monastic, difficult life, and, compiling in my heart all of Father’s answers, retiring in the evening in my cell, I carefully wrote down, trying to remember every word of his. A whole notebook was compiled from such notes. In recent years (I can’t specify the exact year), I told Father about this, and he wanted to check the records himself, found them correct, made corrections in some places, where he added additions in his own hand, and then said to me: “It’s good that you remember my words: I praise you, says the apostle, for you remember my word and keep my traditions (1 Cor. 11:2). This means that the seed falls on good soil and will bear fruit that will satisfy others.” These are the records starting from 1891, that is, from the first year that Father John began to travel to his homeland, to the village of Sura, to build a parish stone church there. When Father, on the way back from his homeland along the Mariinsky system, entered the Sheksna River to follow it to the city of Rybinsk, a large passenger steamer was waiting for him in Cherepovets, rented by Messrs. L., who invited Father to Rybinsk. On the eve of this day, July 17, I arrived in Cherepovets on my monastic business, but I knew nothing and did not think about Father John’s upcoming visit to him. By evening, in Cherepovets, I learned about this, and in the morning of the next day it became known that Father had already arrived and was with the cathedral elder, merchant Krokhin. I headed there, barely making my way through a huge crowd of people, and began convincingly asking Father to stop by our monastery, located not far from the bank of the Sheksna River. Father refused, due to the inconvenience, to delay the ship, rented by the owners to deliver it to them, and not for visits. At the same time, he added: “If you want to talk, it’s better to come with us on the ship and talk.” And so we set off. But even then I repeated my request to him again, having secured the consent of the ship’s owners, and he agreed. At the pier (our monastery) Borki we went ashore and rode in a carriage to the monastery. Father’s first word addressed to me was: Father John. Why did you ask me to come over? So you and I saw each other and talked – isn’t that enough? Abbess Taisiya. That is why, Father, I ask you, because I had the good fortune to talk with you and see you. Having received this happiness for myself, I cannot help but wish that my sisters would receive the same. If I do not use all the measures in my power for this, then it will be on my conscience; If I do everything on my part, but you yourself do not deign to do this, then I will no longer be answerable before God for the fact that the sisters will not receive this benefit. Father looked at me carefully and said: “That’s what you say! Well, here we go." On the way we started talking. Abbess Taisiya. I would like, Father, to open my whole soul to you; I have always tried to do this, so that you see it as an external thing, and can indicate what is good for it, for this is the purpose of my conversations with you. After all, we often do not know ourselves, condescending to our weaknesses. However, I see that you are a person blessed and you yourself see the Holy Spirit inherent in you. Father John. We, shepherds, have been given special grace for the work of saving the souls entrusted to us, and grace also imparts knowledge as needed. Abbess Taisiya. Yes, Father, but not everyone is the same; I think - to the extent of personal ability to perceive it. You are especially blessed and see your interlocutor in spirit; I've noticed this for a long time. Father John. And if you notice and understand spirituality in a person, then there is no need to doubt, but you need to believe. It is the enemy who confuses our soul with unbelief and doubt, so as not to give it peace. Abbess Taisiya. You have to see people a lot, Father, listen to their various needs, sins, illnesses, and what people don’t reveal to you, people don’t believe! Father John. Yes, dear, you have to listen to a lot and many people! (And Father sighed heavily). Abbess Taisiya. And is it hard for you, dear Father? Father John. It is not easy, but this is precisely the fulfillment of the apostolic commandment by us: we are strong, we must bear the weaknesses of the weak (Rom. 15:1). This commandment is not light and broad; and it applies mainly to us, shepherds. Abbess Taisiya. But there are pure, holy, perfect souls? Father John. Our perfection is there,” Father said, pointing to the sky, “and “there is only one Holy One, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Abbess Taisiya. Father, as long as a person is in the flesh, he cannot be free from passions and temptations and from the temptations that surround him from everywhere in the world? Father John. Of course, I am not free, which is why I need to pay deep and unremitting attention to myself. A person in moments of temptation is like someone lying on a scale - where will he be pulled? The enemy is pulling him into destruction, and the Angel and the very conscience of man are holding him back. At this time, you should arm yourself with the fear of God, imagining the horror of hellish torment. It is also necessary to add secret prayer of the heart, for without God’s help we are not strong enough to fight temptations. Abbess Taisiya. When a person pays attention to himself and takes care of himself, then even the slightest deviation from God, whether willingly or unwillingly, burdens the soul and disrupts its peaceful state (I speak, however, from my own experience). With the loss of peace comes anxiety, confusion, and tightness. Oh, how hard it can be for the soul and how difficult it is for it to recover again! Father John. Immediate secret repentance is needed: he will call to Me, and I will hear him (Ps. 90:15). The Lord knows our weaknesses. He is ready to forgive us everything if we repent and ask for forgiveness. There is no need to become numb, that is, dwell on the thought of the sin committed, but to immediately repent, remembering the mercy of God - then it will not give rise to anxiety and absent-mindedness, but contrition and humility of the heart, which God will not despise (Ps. 50:19), that is, will not despise. Abbess Taisiya. How to preserve peace with God in the soul, restored in it through the sacraments or through secret repentance, or through the mercy of God? Father John. There is nothing better to preserve the peace that consists of communion with God than by paying attention to yourself. In general, a person going through spiritual life and zealous for salvation must relentlessly pay attention to himself, that is, notice all the movements of his heart and mind. The enemy is watching them closely and is trying to catch them; and when he finds a hole, that is, a minute not occupied by the attention of the householder himself, he immediately invades and begins to rule in his soul, and can do a lot of harm to it. Abbess Taisiya. And how hard the soul feels when, having cleansed itself and restored its communion with God, it breaks it again! Father John. On something pure and white, even the smallest speck is visible, so on a pure soul; and in black and dirty they are not noticeable behind the general blackness and dirt. Again, it turns out that you need to pay attention to yourself and have constant remembrance of God and inner prayer. Abbess Taisiya. Yes, Father, you involuntarily come to the realization of how difficult it is for a person, especially when life is placed in the midst of bustle, even innocent, for example, that of a boss, but who maintains self-attention, to stand on this path. Father John. Perhaps it is difficult, but what kind of good deed is given without difficulty? But on the other hand, our salvation lies in work, because the Kingdom of God is required (Matthew 11:12), that is, it is taken by self-compulsion, force, and diligence, and only intensified seekers achieve it. Prayer is needed. Abbess Taisiya. Father, teach me to pray. Father John. The simplest thing is to pray, and at the same time the wisest thing. A small child knows how to pray in his own way, to ask his father or mother for what he wants. We are the children of the Heavenly Father; Can children really manage to ask the Father? As you feel, tell Him your needs, and open your heart. The Lord is near to all who call on Him in truth... and He will hear their prayer (Ps. 144:18:19). I still say to you, he says: “Behold, I have come!” Oh, how great is God’s mercy towards us! But at the same time, be wise and careful, protect your mind from distraction and wandering or vanity. Abbess Taisiya. Sometimes, Father, I really pray with all my being, as if I were standing before the Face of the Lord Himself. My whole being disappears in prayer, and that prayer is sweet and fervent. But this doesn't happen often; Yes, sometimes I don’t allow myself to be in such a state, I’m afraid that the enemy will deceive me with such a prayer, as an inexperienced one, not yet able to bear its height; This is the work of those who have succeeded more than me in spiritual life. After all, I have re-read almost all the ascetic books, and all the ascetics warn beginners, inexperienced people like me, against contemplative prayer; that is, it must be achieved, but with caution, as the highest gift of God. Father John. Well, I also tell you: “Be wise, be careful,” but you should not avoid contemplative prayer. Such prayer is a visit to the grace of God; it must be earnestly asked for and treasured, and not avoided for any reason. The enemy does not like such prayer, so he scares you and deceives you. Prayer pacifies the soul, instills silence and tranquility in it. Abbess Taisiya. Since accepting the rank of authority, I pray little, Father: in the evening you don’t know how to get to the pillow, so you get tired of the day’s affairs and worries, and in the morning, before I even get up, things will stop, and as soon as you open the door, you will hardly return to pray. Father John. Prayer and salvation are not in many words (Matthew 6:7). Read a few prayers, but with consciousness and warmth in your heart. And most importantly, throughout the whole day, have the memory of God, that is, secret, inner prayer. I myself do not have time to endure long monastic services, but everywhere and always: whether I am walking, driving, sitting or lying, the thought of God never leaves me, I pray to Him in spirit, mentally stand before Him and contemplate Him before me. I have foreseen the Lord before me... let me not move (Ps. 15:8); the thought of His closeness to me never leaves me. Try to do the same. Abbess Taisiya. Do you feel Him close to you, Father? Father John. Yes, dear, to loved ones, very close ones: He is always with me, according to His word: And I will dwell in them, and walk around, and be their God (2 Cor. 6:16). Otherwise, how could I act like this all day long, if not for the grace of God? Abbess Taisiya. Yes, Father, you work amazingly; You completely sacrifice yourself to serve people, forgetting about yourself. Father John. Perhaps you have already said too much, but indeed, I am trying, to the best of my ability, with God’s help, to serve the salvation of human souls. I prepared myself for this from the very beginning of my priesthood. Shepherds, successors of the Apostles, must live for their flock, and not for themselves; We are the salt of the earth: if the salt prevails, how will it be salted? (Matthew 5:13). Abbess Taisiya. After all, you, Father, have been a priest for a long time, but you appeared openly to people not so long ago. Father John. That was the time of temptation. Is it possible to go into battle without preparing yourself and without being tempted? Abbess Taisiya. Yes, it was not easy for you, Father, but now you stand above all temptations and passions; and whatever strikes you will be crushed against the stone of faith and grace inherent in you. Father crossed himself and said, sighing: Father John. There is much to say - above all temptations and passions; I'm not emotionless. But God’s grace, which was not in vain in me (1 Cor. 15:10), always strengthened and encouraged me. After all, ours are only weaknesses and sins, but our ability to serve comes from God. Abbess Taisiya. The faith in you is great, Father, but in me it is not enough - share with me. Father smiled and said: Father John. Take as much as you want, as much as you can carry. The Lord is rich in mercy. Abbess Taisiya. You're joking, Father, but I often hesitate, not in faith, of course, in God - oh, no! I always believe in Him firmly and undoubtedly, but, for example, in this: can I hope for salvation through the path I have chosen? Was my calling and all my visions that you know about from God? And in many other issues that I would like to check with a more spiritual, blessed look and strengthen with faith and hope. Father John. You needn't be embarrassed. Your first vision of the Savior was in your childhood - what kind of charm could there be here? He thereby called you to serve Him and gave you, as it were, a guarantee of salvation. Abbess Taisiya. He told me at the end of the vision: “Work hard first!” I work with all my might, but whether I work as He pleases, and whether He will accept my labors, whether they are pleasing to Him, I cannot be sure; after all, it is not the judgment of God. Father John. How can he not accept it when he has already crowned them with success? Look what a cathedral you erected without any means and in what a short time; Was it not the Lord who crowned your labors with such success? But for the entire monastery, for the virgin sisters whom you lead to salvation, the Lord will reward you a hundredfold, because He is righteous and merciful. Abbess Taisiya. But this is all external, my dear Father; Well, I built the cathedral, with strangers, that is, prefabricated ones, with pennies, with the hands of others, and for this everyone praises me - well, that’s the external reward for the external. And speaking about my soul, what did I acquire for it during my many years of life in the monastery? Father John. You say you haven’t acquired anything for your soul? God, the Knower of the Heart, will judge this. While we are on earth, Taisiya, the soul is inextricably linked with the appearance, and labors, although material, undertaken for the sake of the Lord and for his glory, are undoubtedly accepted by Him. You say: “I built it with other people’s pennies,” but it would have been much easier with my own than to get these pennies through heavy fees. And if they praise you for the cathedral, how can you not be praised for such a great work? After all, here, until the end of the century, the Name of God will be glorified by thousands of lips, and your memory, as the builder of the church, will not cease to be commemorated by the church. Abbess Taisiya. Because of this, now with these construction and general administrative worries and labors, I have neither prayer, nor fasting, nor monastic feats. Father John. Your exploits are not for your soul alone, but for the common good, that is why they are great and higher than private ones, actually for yourself. As for fasting, you are lying to yourself: after all, your food is meager, simple, and it is impossible for a worker not to eat at all. Abbess Taisiya. And there is so much sin in a position of authority! Father John. What good is the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world (John 1:29)? Ask God for faith and hope. Trust completely in the grace that is brought to you, says the Apostle Peter (1 Pet. 1:21:13). Abbess Taisiya. Pray for me, my dear Father, with your many powerful prayers, may the Lord help me too. Father John. I pray and will pray. And you pray for me, and your prayer has boldness. Abbess Taisiya. What is my prayer? I pray for you, my father, but only because, on the one hand, I want to pray for you, as for a beloved father, for whom you wish every good thing; and on the other hand, I am ashamed and afraid to pray for you, for who am I before God compared to you? Father John. Why are you, Taisiya, unrighteously elevating me? I am the first of sinners. The apostle himself asks believers to pray for him: Pray for me (1 Thess. 5:25). And another apostle writes: Pray for one another (James 5:16). And it is easier for us to pray for those who pray for us. Abbess Taisiya. I once wrote to you, Father, asking you to pray for healing of my illness; I received only relief, not complete healing. Father John. And it’s not necessary, that means. Don’t try to get rid of illnesses, you have to get sick and be patient, everything is for the good, for our salvation. This conversation between us and Father on our first trip with him in July 1891, on the 18th day, was recorded by me almost verbatim in the evening of the same day; it continued on the way from the pier to the monastery, where Father stayed very briefly, due to the request of the owners of the ship not to detain him, and on the way back from the monastery to the ship. When it was already close to the pier and the minute was approaching to part with my dear father, I felt sad, and I told him: Abbess Taisiya. Now we will part with you, dear Father, but how sweet it was for me to talk with you! And now God knows when we will have to meet. Father John. Let us thank God for what we have received; You yourself say that all this happened unexpectedly, unforeseen for you, so look for yourself; But won’t the Lord always be the same merciful? Jesus Christ is yesterday and today, the same and forever (Heb. 13:8). What to look ahead? Let's hope! Abbess Taisiya. You were in a hurry, Father, and didn’t even eat anything; I am very ashamed that you are completely hungry. Father John. On the contrary, I am more full than I need to be. I would like to be hungry: when I am hungry in body, then the soul is fuller, freer, and easier to ascend rope, but a well-fed body and soul oppresses, enslaves, and man will not live on bread alone (Matthew 4:4). Abbess Taisiya. One must be surprised, Father, how you turn every simple, ordinary incident and even every word into an edification, into a lesson. Just from this word, what a lofty meaning you get! Father John. A Christian should be very careful about every word and try to turn it to the benefit of himself and the interlocutor. Abbess Taisiya. Well, dear Father, we are approaching the pier, now we will separate. (And I cried.) Father John. Who will separate us from the love of God? (Rom.8:35.) And nothing will separate you and me, mother, who love the Lord, either in this life or in the future - believe and hope. Hold it, you imash, so that no one will take your crown (Rev. 3:11). Abbess Taisiya. How can I express to you my sincere, deep gratitude for visiting our monastery? Oh, if I could serve you or please you in some way! Father John. Please the Lord, I don’t need anything else, and nothing could be more pleasant for me. Abbess Taisiya. Even if for your holy prayers the Lord helped me to succeed in spiritual life, then still this would not be pleasing to you, but my direct duty and benefit for my soul; Moreover, how will you find out about this so that your fatherly heart will rejoice? After all, you and I don’t see each other often and live quite far from each other. Father John. And I tell you that I will find out - believe it, and from now on we will see each other often. Every year I will travel to my homeland and on the way back, perhaps I will stop by your monastery. With such joyful hope, Father left me, boarding the ship, and I, returning to the monastery, immediately wrote down our entire conversation. These words of Father John came true; my efforts to acquire a place in St. Petersburg for the construction of a courtyard for the purpose of material support for our monastery, which has neither capital nor support, which began under Metropolitan Isidore, sometimes required my short-term stay in the capital, where I often saw Father, although I never had the opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with him; but during his visits to our monastery in the summer on the way back from his homeland, we received truly unearthly pleasure, being in continuous communication with this gracious shepherd for several days and even weeks. He usually wrote to me from his homeland, the village of Sura or from Arkhangelsk about where he planned to go, how long he would stay where and when approximately to be with us and whether on his own ship or on a rented one, and my job was to meet him at the appointed place. This is where my holiday began, my rest, that is, literally mental rest, renewal of strength and lifting of spirit. We used to go with him from our Borka pier to the monastery; the road continues through the forest, and about three miles before the monastery, crossing the road, there passes a strip of monastery forest; and Father will begin to bless him on both sides: “Grow up, preserve, O Lord, all this for the benefit of Your monastery, in which Your holy name is glorified incessantly.” On the way, he asks about the condition of the sisters, their health, etc. We are approaching a village located one mile from the monastery and making up its entire parish, and there on both sides there are a lot of people who have come out to bless the great guest: peasants, with naked heads, bow at the waist; women, with babies in their arms, rush vying to bring their children, even if Father touched them with his hand, all you can hear is: “Father is the breadwinner,” “you are our darling,” “red sun.” And Father bows to both sides, blesses, saying: “Hello, brothers! Hello mothers! Hello, little ones of God! May our Heavenly Father bless you all! Christ is with you! Christ is with you! And as soon as the monastery buildings go up - clergy houses, hotels, etc., the sisters greet them with loud, harmonious singing, “Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!” and then, with singing, they are escorted to the cathedral church itself, where they are greeted by the clergy, and the ringing of the large bell has been buzzing for a long time. It looks like something Easter, joyful: a general uplift of spirit, a general triumph! After the liturgy, during which there are always many communicants, Father goes straight into the garden, where all the clergy who served him, the guests who came to him are invited, the samovar with all its attributes also appears there, and dear Father, knowing that everyone is pleased to receive tea from his hands, tries to console everyone. Then he will go for a walk along the alleys of the garden, either alone or with an interlocutor, but no one bothers him. As soon as Father passes through the terrace into the house, the garden becomes empty as everyone leaves. But Father loves clean air too much: not only spends all his time during the day either in the garden, or riding with me through the fields and forests, but sometimes, on warm, dry nights, he sleeps on the terrace. Sometimes in the garden he will gather his closest acquaintances and some of the sisters of the monastery and, having chosen a place somewhere, he will read to us a book that he himself has chosen, but most often he read the Gospel, the Apocalypse or the Book of the Prophets and immediately explained everything he was reading. Sometimes the reading was interrupted by conversations on the topic being explained. When he gets tired of sitting or gets tired of reading, he will say to me: “Well, mother, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for us to take a ride to your Hermitage.” And of course, this is instantly fulfilled, and we are off. We always rode slowly, slowly, because at this time Father was either praying secretly, or talking with me, or simply dozing; and there was no need to go quickly: the people, no matter how many there were, never rushed towards him or bothered him on the road. I will tell you about Pustynka, this favorite place of Father, in detail later, and now I will return to his edifying conversations. Somehow, by the way, there was a conversation about faith, and I, for my part, said that our faith is not as dark and blind as others express: “blind faith.” Abbess Taisiya. I find that the mysteries of faith are accessible to understanding, I won’t say – mind, but – soul and heart. I do not believe blindly, not unconsciously, but consciously, so to speak, tangibly, understanding what, why and how I believe. Father John. Only spiritual people can say this, but worldly people, who do not practice the objects of faith, cannot be so aware of the mysteries of faith. And, in any case, there are mysteries that are completely incomprehensible, inaccessible to understanding, for example, the mystery of the Holy Trinity - who will comprehend it? One is Three. Three - and One... Abbess Taisiya. This is explained by the difference only in the properties of the Trinitarian Deity. Theology explains it this way: God the Father is the eternal Mind, God the Son is the eternal Word, God the Spirit is the life-giving, intelligent, hypostatic, omnipotent Shrine, Life from Life, etc. You yourself write similarly in your “Diary”: “I think with the Father, I speak with the Word, I breathe with the Holy Spirit.” Consequently, this incomprehensibility of the mystery is simplified, clarified by similarities and similarities, and its impenetrability is smoothed out. Father John. Yes, for believers who are spiritually enlightened, but can everyone embrace this concept? However, the greatness of our faith lies in the fact that it is not as clear as knowledge, otherwise it would turn into knowledge and lose its greatness. Can I revere that which, through my comprehensive understanding, is inferior to my knowledge, becomes, as it were, beneath me? No, there, in the next century, we will know more fully, but now it is enough for us to understand in part, as the Apostle writes about faith: now I understand in part, but then I will know, even as I was known (1 Cor. 13:12). Abbess Taisiya. “We see now like a mirror in fortune-telling, but then face to face,” I added and continued: “Really, Father, will we see the Lord face to face?” It seems that human mortal nature cannot withstand this. Father John. You cannot stand it while man in the flesh, while he lives on earth, revolves in earthly vanity - remember what God said to Moses: You cannot see My face, lest man see My face and live (Ex. 33:20). And in the next century, when man himself becomes spiritual, the Lord will reveal Himself to him as far as he can contain it; this is God’s work. In order not to be rejected from the Divine heaven, from the bright villages of the saints, forever undecaying and always living, bright, fragrant, all-joyful, one must here prepare oneself by keeping the commandments of God, repentance and practice in good deeds, one must know and visit the house of God on earth, know its great educational purpose for Christian souls and learn in advance to breathe the heavenly air here, fragrant with the spiritual aromas of Christian virtues, with which the whole sky, the entire assembly of saints, is fragrant, for in the church the virtues and valiant deeds of all the saints of the Church of Christ are constantly praised. Immensely much grace and mercy of God was given to people in the incarnation of the Son of God; Much is required from each other: constant and attentive reflection on the affairs of God's economy is required, gratitude, expressed by fulfilling God's commandments, obedience, mutual love and forbearance towards each other, truth, holiness, and for this it is necessary to pay attention to oneself, as it is said: If we had reasoned with ourselves, we would not have been condemned (1 Cor. 11:31). Oh, how the enemy doubles a person’s soul, turning it away from God with addictions and love for the flesh and everything carnal, for the world and its blessings: earthly glory, carnal beauty, wealth and all sorts of earthly pleasures, mostly sinful! Love for God is extinguished by sinful love; therefore, how vigilantly you need to monitor all the bends of your heart, so that it does not fall away from God, this only Source of all good! Abbess Taisiya. I don’t know, dear Father, maybe I’m wrong, but, often checking my heart, I don’t find in it any attachment to anything earthly. I can’t help but realize and feel that I live, as it were, abstracted from earthly things, only out of duty I take part in everything and move around everywhere. Father John. Thank the Lord that He has given you this dispassion. This is not yours. Only His holy power can hold a person like this. Abbess Taisiya. I find the main reinforcement in the frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, in reading the Gospel, which, truly, sometimes answers my thoughts and gives admonition. I also often resort to your “Diary”. What bright, wonderful thoughts there! For example: “As rivers flow to the sea, so do the souls of people flow to God.” Or again: “I think with the Father, I speak with the Word, I breathe with the Holy Spirit.” What a height! Father John. This is not mine, but an insight from above. I felt this insight on myself and, under the influence of it, the thoughts that emerged considered it a sin not to write down and commemorate; I kept these records for decades, and entire books were compiled. Abbess Taisiya. They have, Father, some special character. They involuntarily delight the reader and transport him, as it were, into the depths of pure knowledge of God and light. I won’t be able to just express it; in my opinion, you seem to be destroying the mediastinum between God and man, uniting them. For example: “I live by God, in God and with God, and God lives in me!” What could be higher than this? After all, this is John’s theology: God dwells in us... and from His fulfillment we receive and receive grace (John 1:14:16)! Only the turn of phrase is different. If I dare to put it this way, this is in relation to our entire Orthodox teaching - as it were, a continuation of it, an explanation of what has not yet been comprehended, an improvement of what is unfinished. You seem to be anticipating the future blessed life of the triumphant Church and simplifying the incomprehensibility of the future mystery into intimacy and unification. Father John. I understand what you want to say. However, you are not devoid of spiritual understanding. Indeed, it was written for this purpose and for this purpose. What is the mediastinum between the image and the Prototype? It's a sin! But sin has been destroyed by the God-man, the veil of sin has been torn - who is stopping or what is blocking our path? Abbess Taisiya. With such a thought about the closeness of the unity of God with man, I involuntarily come to the question: why such our exploits, hardships, labors for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven, if it, like God who gives it, is only love, peace and joy? Thousands of ancient ascetics shone with their exploits, and we, today’s monks, are prescribed exploits, and meanwhile, God, this eternal Love, requires only love for His reign in the human heart: son, give Me your heart, He says (Prov. 23:26). Exploits exhaust, kill, oppress, I sometimes compare them with the letter in relation to the law: the letter kills, but the spirit gives life (2 Cor. 3:6). Father John. You confuse one thing with another, while everything has its time and place. Exploits are needed and necessary for the education of our inner man, for the mortification of the passions nesting in him, for the development of ourselves to the measure of the age of the fulfillment of Christ (Eph. 4:13), when we become capable of accepting and carrying in our hearts the Kingdom of God. God is always with us, at the door of our heart, as it is said: Behold, I stand at the door and understand (Rev. 3:20); But is the heart always capable of accepting Him? So, both books and examples show us feats as an auxiliary force for our improvement, so that through them we can purify our hearts in order to accept the Kingdom of God, that is, Christ Himself, into it. Do you know the troparion to the Holy Great Martyr Theodore Tiron: “Like sweet bread was brought to the Trinity”? What does it mean? How do you understand these words? In order for the bread to be sweet and pleasant, you must first of all thoroughly sift the flour, clean it of all impurities, of everything unsuitable, so that the bread is clean and tasty. Likewise, in order for our heart to be a sacrifice pleasing to God, we must first cleanse it of the passions that are in it, sow them out, then it will be pleasing. Abbess Taisiya. Dear Father, how do we understand the commandment about good deeds? Surely they need to be hidden? Father John. But I don’t understand it that way: Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father who is in heaven (Matthew 5:16). Let people see your good deeds, and through this glorify the Lord, and have a living example for themselves, a living motivation to do good. This is from whom one must hide (and at the same time Father pointed his finger at his heart) good deeds! Conceal everything from him, lest your fool know what your right hand does (Matthew 6:3). Shuitsa is one’s personal conceit and vanity. As you know, Father used to read the canon, and at the same time the sedals on kathismas and antiphons. There was the 3rd tone, and, having read the antiphons: “Those who sow in the south with divine tears, reap the classes with the joy of ever-life,” Father, turning to me, said: “This is your consolation, Taisiya, - “those who sow with tears will reap with joy in the next century.” How much consolation the Lord proclaims to those who mourn and labor for His sake! Remember that labor for the Lord and sorrow for His sake are above all.” At Matins the Gospel was read about the appearance of the Lord to Mary Magdalene. After reading the Gospel, Father turned to me and said: “Did you hear, mother, how the Lord consoled Mary Magdalene: Mary, why are you crying, who are you looking for? (John 20:15.) So He says to you: “Taisiya, why are you crying, who are you looking for?” Seek, seek Jesus, and He will appear to you. There are many consolations for the believer! For example, during the Divine Liturgy there is such consolation, illumination of the soul, revelation of the Mysteries!” Abbess Taisiya. Father, during the liturgy, you yourself experience everything that is happening, so your soul is lifted up! Father John. It’s true, indeed, I try to feel everything that is done in my soul, being transported in thought and with all my soul to what is being done. Abbess Taisiya. How happy I am, Father, that you are celebrating the liturgy with us! Father John. It’s easy to serve in your cathedral. The spirit of the singing sisters breathes purity, zeal, and reverence; In general, you have good sisters, a good monastery, and it will not be lacking in the mercy of God. These words: “It’s easy to serve here, it’s a wonderful cathedral,” Father also said to me at the altar, as soon as he himself received communion; he came up to me and, apparently from the abundance of his heart, said: “It’s so good here, it’s easy to serve! Wonderful church! This was all the more gratifying to me because this church was built from the first to the last penny through my tearful labors and funds. Abbess Taisiya. Yes, and being with you, Father, is so easy; peace, tranquility and joy emanate from you, as from the animated church of God. With you you will forget everything except God. Moreover, I beg you, write me at least a word when the Lord inspires you. Do not forget me, a sinner, because I am your spiritual daughter, do not leave, do not forget me, my dear. Father John. Here's how I'll tell you about it. The Lord said through the prophet: Even if the wife (mother) forgets these, I will not forget you (Is. 49:15). And I will do my best to remember you and your sisters. One day Father sat deep in his thoughts, and I thought about him: “Lord, what kind of person is this?” etc. Suddenly he turned to me, fixed his eyes full of meekness and peace on me and said: “Torture!” I, in turn, was not embarrassed by this, because it was not news to me that he responded to thoughts, and I told him, also looking him straight in the eyes: “I’m not torturing, Father, I can look you straight in the eyes, because I’m not being false in front of you, but a person who thinks and has a spiritual mood for life cannot help but think about you; So I often think about you, Father: what kind of person are you? And how will all this end? Father John. Look where you look: “how will it end?” The beginning and the end are the grace of God. Look and judge by the fruits, as indicated in the Gospel: By their fruit you will know them (Matthew 7:16). And look for fruits in yourself, and they will and should be in you. Remember, meanwhile, that peace is from God; the enemy cannot give peace of mind; his job is to confuse, not to pacify. Abbess Taisiya. Father, I would also like to ask you: I keep trying to distance myself from my family, I rarely, very rarely write to them; It’s been 14 years since I’ve been with them; they all call, everyone tries to get closer to me, and others persuade me that it’s a sin to leave your own, if you do good to strangers, then you should do it even more so for your own. But I keep trying to distance myself from them, because it is said: Defeat a man from his household (Matthew 10:36). And what do we have in common? They will only distract me from my duties, and I am afraid that there is a lot of sin with them. What is your view on this? Father John. And you are doing great! Beware, stay away from them. Remember: You cannot serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). You now have other relatives - your sisters in Christ, you will answer for them before God; If you’ve already left your family, don’t look back (Luke 9:62). There is no stronger war against a spiritual man than against his relatives: defeat a man's household. So it was with Christ, so it is now, and so it always will be. Once I confessed to Father, speaking in order of the commandments. After listening, he said: Father John. All these are seemingly inevitable, everyday sins, for which we must constantly repent mentally and correct ourselves. But tell me what is your heart like, is there anything sinful in it - malice, enmity, hostility, hatred, envy, flattery, vindictiveness, suspicion, suspiciousness, ill will? This is the poison from which may the Lord deliver us! That's what's important! I answered that I did not feel in myself any malice, hostility, revenge, or anything like that, but I could only blame myself for suspicion, or rather, distrust of people, which formed in me as a result of many human injustices and untruths. Father John. And there is no excuse for this; remember: love... does not think evil and a good eye will not see evil (1 Cop. 13:4:5) even where it exists. Cover everything with love, do not stop at the dirt of the earth, achieve the perfection of the love of Christ; however, Christ did not commit them to His faith, He Himself knew everything (John 2:24). Abbess Taisiya. Father, how can you trust and fully believe in people when you had to endure so much from them undeservedly, innocently? Sometimes, out of precaution for the future, you are distrustful and suspicious. Father John. Why do we need to look into the future? – His wickedness endures for a day (Matthew 6:34). Let us surrender, like children, to our Heavenly Father; He will not leave us to be tempted more than we are able (1 Cor. 10:13). You will only torment yourself with suspicion, and you will not help the matter; you will even harm it by imagining evil in advance where, perhaps, it will not exist. As long as we don’t do evil, let them do it to us, if the Lord allows. Once I told Father that sometimes I am subjected to the strongest spiritual temptation, which I cannot describe in words; it’s like despondency, but in the most terrible degree, almost despair - as if a black cloud is hanging over your head, and as if there is no way out from under it; everything seems so gloomy, so heavy on the soul that I call this temptation “hellish,” and if it were prolonged, it would cause death or frenzy. Father John. This temptation is tolerated by those who are stronger and more experienced in spiritual warfare. The enemy inflicts it on you because he sees that your exploits are coming to an end, that your reward is being prepared in heaven, and he wants to defeat you with a strong push and deprive you of your crown. It destroys many with despondency. Be strong and courageous, fight against the machinations of the enemy, do not give in. Carry this cross with humility and patience. Consider that he was sent to you for your humility, and the Lord will help you. Whose church of the soul is based on stone, no winds of enemy temptations, no storms can shake it, for its foundation is firm, but whoever does not have a stone, Christ, as a foundation, and his spiritual church is founded on sand, it is easily destroyed by the slightest storm (Matthew 7:24-27). Climb the spiritual ladder up, not down. Elevate your spirit, elevate your mind. You are called to shepherd your small flock of virgins, chosen by the Lord for a monastic life; do not consider this task unimportant or less than those virtues and deeds that you could carry out in solitude, saving only your soul. Now you have no peace for the sake of serving your neighbors, your labors, worries and sorrows are the sorrows and sufferings of a martyr, for you are crucified for everyone out of love for God and your neighbors, and what is higher than this? The next morning, when Father and I went to the church, in which there was a marble throne, Father suddenly, pointing to it, asked me: “What kind of throne is this?” I looked at him in surprise and answered: “Marble.” He continued: “Therefore, stone, may your heart be like this stone - take courage!” Abbess Taisiya. Sometimes, Father, you are preparing to receive the Holy Mysteries, but at night you cannot stay awake at all: either you are extremely tired from the day’s work, or from something else, but you feel sleepy, and then you are embarrassed by this in church. Father John. Do you really think that our lack of sleep or any exploits are strong and sufficient to give us boldness before the Holy Chalice? Do you remember the robber? One sigh of sincere repentance, one faith in the merits of the Crucified One - this is our justification, and not our imaginary exploits. Of course, one must strive, but not in order to see and place one’s justification and dignity in these achievements. God will not despise a contrite and humble heart (Ps. 50:19). I repeatedly asked Father to accept our monastery under his spiritual leadership, his protection, not at all implying any material help here, which I absolutely never bothered Father about, but asked exclusively for his spiritual grace-filled supervision over our monastery, believing and knowing from experience that the Lord reveals to him the state of human hearts. Father John. You ascribe a lot to me, mother, you think too highly of me, if I have anything, it is only by the grace of God. Of course, everything is possible for a believer (Mark 9:23). According to your faith, if it is His holy will, I will not refuse to assist you in the matter of salvation, I will, as I already said, pray for you; and I myself love your monastery. This conversation of ours took place during Father’s stay in our monastery. Two or three days after this, Father and I went for a ride, and, according to custom, first of all to Pustynka. When Father decided to retire there for prayer or rest, he ordered the entrance gates of the fence to be locked so that no one would enter or disturb him. This time he did the same. It would not be superfluous to explain here that the entire place, enclosed here by a wooden fence (hermitage Pustynka), is an even square, in the middle of which there is a one-story wooden house, on the eastern half of which there is a church in the name of the holy Apostle John the Theologian. On this side from the fence to the church are the sisters’ cells, and on the other side of the church house is a garden with alleys, where Father John always loved to stroll, performing his secret prayers. As a precaution so that no one would disturb him, during such walks of his, I always almost sat on the steps of the porch, and if Father needed anything, he turned to me. In the incident I am describing, Father walked around the garden for a short time, but apparently he was praying, often stopping, crossing his arms on his chest and fixing his gaze on the sky. Then, with a quick movement, he approached a chair standing on one alley and dragged it behind him to the altar wall from the southeast. I, from the surprise of such an act, was confused, did not have time, and did not dare to help him; I looked - Father was already dragging the second chair along with him, just like the first, I hurried to him, but he had already placed it next to the first and said to me: “Sit down, I’ll read to you.” With these words, he took a rather large book out of his pocket, opened it where it was hidden, and began to read. I’ll briefly tell you the story I read: in the Kiev-Pechersk Lavra, the founder of which, as you know, was the Monk Anthony, one of the elders who held a high position and enjoyed universal respect, died. Abba, that is, the abbot, especially lamented about him, since he had in him his closest and faithful assistant in management. Much to his chagrin, the deceased decomposed so badly on the first day of his death that it was impossible to read the Gospels from him or sing requiem services not only at the tomb, but even in the next cell; a stench filled the entire (then small) monastery, and everyone considered this to be God’s punishment. When Abba stood on his rule at midnight and prayed for the repose of the newly deceased, he heard a voice from the icon of the Savior, announcing to him that the deceased had many secret sins, for which he died without repenting, and therefore could not be pardoned by God’s Justice. The next morning, the abba gathered all the brethren, announced to them the Savior’s announcement about the elder, and invited everyone to pray especially intensely for him and fast for forty days. Everyone began to strive with zeal for the soul of their brother. On the 40th day, Abba, again in midnight prayer before the same icon of the Savior, hears a voice: “Not for the sake of your fasts and prayers for your brother bound by sins, but for the sake of My servant Anthony, who prayed to Me while still on earth, so that the souls of those who labor in this monastery created by him would not perish, I forgive the deceased name.” After reading this story, Father folded the book, hid it in the side pocket of his cassock and, quickly standing up, said: “Well, let’s go, mother!” And we immediately set off. We both sat in silence for a long time; Knowing that Father never does anything without a purpose, I was wondering how to explain this action of his. Finally, Father began himself: “Why are you thinking, mother?” Abbess Taisiya. How can you help but think about it, Father! It’s like you asked me a riddle. After all, I understand that you read this to me with a purpose, so I want to figure it out, to find this purpose. Or maybe you can tell me yourself? Father John. No, if necessary, the Lord will reveal it to you, and I myself will not say anything. Abbess Taisiya. I came to only one conclusion, and no other comes to my mind: just as the Monk Anthony begged the Lord so that everyone who labored in his monastery would not be rejected by Him, but would be saved, so with your holy prayers the Lord will save everyone living in this monastery. This is what I asked you about the other day, and I always ask. Father John. Yes, the Lord gave me this abode of yours, and I am your constant prayer book. From the excess of strong sensations caused by this event, I could not sort out my thoughts; I realized that what Father said to me after the reading was a matter of too great importance, too joyful for me and for the entire monastery; I sat, deep in my thoughts, and even forgot to thank Father for his such a priceless spiritual gift. Finally, I came to my senses and told him: “Father, of course I am powerless to thank you, and what word of gratitude can correspond to such a great gift.” Father John. Thanks be to God, and not to me, the unworthy. Do you remember the words of the apostle: It is more fitting for us to pay attention to what is written, lest we fall away (Heb. 2:1)! Abbess Taisiya. I remember, Father, but this text is not very familiar to me, and you often repeat it; write it down for me to remember. Father John. I don’t want to, Taisiya, I’m tired. - But, after being silent for a while, he continued: - Well, come on, I’ll write! Abbess Taisiya. No, Father, if you are tired, then why bother yourself? I’ll remember it anyway or write it down myself. – And I repeated the text. Father John. Come on, come on - I’ll write! You have to force yourself; Do you hear: we must force ourselves for the benefit of our neighbors for the glory of God. I learned the lesson for myself. “Save you, Lord,” I answered, “yes, every word of yours is dear to me; I listen carefully to your speeches and after home I write down everything I talked about with you. This serves as a consolation and benefit for me, and how gratifying it is to read your speeches when, having parted with you, you miss you; besides, I think it is useful for others to hear (that is, read) your blessed conversations.” Father John. Well, you can give to others, but first let me see what you wrote down there myself. I showed Father this very notebook. He read a few pages, corrected a few things and, giving it back to me, said: Father John. I would watch it in more free time, then give it to me. It's good that you remember my words. I praise you, says the apostle, because you remember my word and keep my traditions (1 Cor. 11:2). This means that my seed falls on good soil and bears fruit, contented to feed others. Abbess Taisiya. It seems to me, Father, that absent-mindedness, although in itself is not a special type of sin, almost more than other sins, it interferes with the presence of God’s grace and drowns it out. Father John. Don’t you consider absent-mindedness a sin? It is a loss of attention; the Savior also mentioned it when he spoke about the seed that fell along the way, and when he said to the Apostle Peter: Simon, Simon, behold, Satan asks you, that he may sow you like wheat (Luke 22:31). (I sowed, that is, scattered.) Abbess Taisiya. Is this about absent-mindedness, Father? Father John. Well, about absent-mindedness. Father was very fond of flowers and nature in general: they constantly brought him flowers either from the garden or from the field. It happened that he would take a rose or peony in his hand, which would bloom before his arrival, and kiss the flower, saying: “I kiss the Right Hand, who created you so wondrously, so beautifully, so fragrantly!” O Creator, Creator! How marvelous You are in the smallest grass, in every petal!” Father would sometimes hold a flower in his hand and give it to someone present, and how much joy the owner gets with this flower! And Father continues to praise the Creator for His good deeds to people. Will they give him berries from the garden that are ripe, he says: “What a Lord, our Heavenly Father, merciful, kind, generous, all-merciful! Look, understand - He not only gives us daily, necessary food, but also delights us, treats us with berries, fruits, and what a variety of tastes - some are better than others! Please note that each variety of berries has its own taste, its own sweetness, its own aroma.” One of the visitors once remarked to him that now the culture has been improved and produces better varieties of products. Father, without looking at the speaker, but continuing to look at the berries, answered: “Culture is culture, and the Creator is Creator. This is why reason was given to man, so that he could work with it, cultivate, improve, or, as they say now, cultivate first of all himself, and then other creations of God, even trees, fruits, and everything that was given into his hands by the Creator. It is easy to grow from a ready-made seed and bring it to the highest quality; but to create a seed, if it doesn’t exist, to create one drop of water where there is none - try it with your culture! You can build waterfalls from ready-made water, from ready-made substances - earth, sand, clay - you can build any kind of masses, but in the absence of these substances, what would you do? O All-merciful Creator, Heavenly Father, until Your creation recognizes You and falls to dust before Your greatness?!” Father also loved to pick berries in the garden himself and eat them straight from the branch. Sometimes he would climb into the raspberry bushes or strawberry beds, eat, and call: “Mother, there are thieves in your kindergarten, you don’t take good care of your property!” He loved our kindergarten and every time before leaving the monastery he came into it and, as if pitying it, said goodbye to it: “Farewell, kindergarten! Thank you for the pleasure you always give me! How many bright moments I spent in your solitude! etc. It happened that you would say to him: “Our dear Father, won’t you come to us next year?” He will answer: “The future is in God’s hands; If I’m alive, I’ll come.” If it happened that Father came to us during haymaking, then we would go with him to mowing with our sisters, always adapting it to the time when they were drinking tea there. What a joy it is for the sisters! We would drive up, and from a distance we could already see black figures in white aprons and white handkerchiefs. At a distance, samovars are also smoking, right there on the grass is a large simple rustic tablecloth, pressed down at the edges with pebbles so that the wind does not lift it, on it there are about a hundred tea cups, sugar, and bags of pretzels (bags) stand nearby. As soon as Father arrives, the singing sisters will burst out Father’s favorite tribute: “Hail, Queen.” The priest goes to the table prepared for him, but sometimes first he takes a walk in the meadow, sits in the hay, talks with the haymakers, and then the tea party begins. Everyone gathers at the boiling cubes and samovars, sits on the grass, and Father himself hands them bagels out of a bag, gives many tea from his glass and, in general, tries to console everyone. When he leaves the mowing, everyone runs to see him off, the singers sing “many years” to him until the carriage is out of sight. In general, Father loved our singing and every day he called on the clergy women to sing, mostly in the garden, sometimes in Pustynka, and in rainy weather in their cells. Every day after dinner the regent approached him, to whom he assigned which plays to sing for him. Sometimes he listened to them silently, with concentration, in a prayerful mood; sometimes he stood or even walked among them and explained to them the meaning of what was being sung, especially the Irmos; sometimes he enthusiastically sang with them and directed them with his hand. When he and I happened to ride along the Volga, with his blessing, I took with me on the ship from 4 to 6 singers, who sang to him on the ship, as well as in coastal churches, where he stopped to perform the liturgy, without which he could not spend a single day. When we rode through our forests and fields with him, he always blessed the fields with a prayer for their fruitfulness and an abundant harvest to feed the monastery. It happened that when he saw that there were no people nearby, he would order the horses to stop, take off his cassock, put it in its place and go for a short walk in the field. We have placed a lot of benches along the roads between the monastery and the monasteries, since nuns walk along these secluded paths and sometimes sit down with their handicrafts or relax when they go to the forest to pick berries or mushrooms. During Father’s stay with us, all such benches served as a place for pilgrims who came to Father; Knowing that he and I drove past here every day, sometimes several times, they were waiting for us and, seeing the carriage from afar, quietly, in perfect order, approached Father for a blessing; some girls brought him wild flowers, especially often white and purple violets, which Father loved very much. So one day, having accepted these bouquets, he held one of them in his hands and, looking at it, said the Gospel word: Father John. And Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like each of the lilies of the field. If the Heavenly Father so dresses a flower that exists today and tomorrow will be thrown into the oven, how much more so you, O you of little faith! (Matt. 6:28-30.) How obvious is the truth of the word of God: Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all else will be added to you (Matt. 6:33). I experience this on myself: since I began to intensely seek and exclusively care about pleasing the Lord through prayer and deeds of mercy to my neighbors and others, I have almost no need to take care of myself, that is, of my external needs; By the grace of God, good people dress me, put on shoes, treat me and would consider it an insult if I did not accept their zeal. I answered him: “And if you knew, Father, how nice it is to do something for you, even to serve you in some way! And would you believe it, Father, that everything you do for you will soon be rewarded a hundredfold! I personally experienced this myself, and I heard it from many.” Father John. I believe and I see it in practice, and this is in the order of things; The Lord rewards us for everything, even for a cup of cold water given in His name. Abbess Taisiya. And in this regard, I often remember the words: receive the righteous in the name of the righteous, he will receive the reward of the righteous (Matthew 10:41). I know that this was said to the apostles and not in the relation that we are now talking about, but in general about faith and zeal for the righteous, that is, for people who have completely surrendered to God. Father John. Do you remember the apostolic word: For God is not offended, for He forgets your deeds and labors of love, which you have shown in His name by serving the saints (Heb. 6:10). Of course, we should not mean the saints living in heaven, but His servants who work for Him for the salvation of people. But He strictly judges those who dare to slander them, especially to slander innocently! As He says through the prophet Zechariah: Touch you (that is, God’s chosen ones), as if you touch the apple of His (God’s) eye (Zech. 2:8). You see, the Lord calls them His “eye”! And the saints loved the Lord so much! Despite their weak, horrified carnal nature and thoughts of torment and torture, for the sake of the love of Christ they willingly accepted all suffering and death, just so as not to be rejected from Him in eternity. Here Saint Ignatius the God-Bearer personally asked and wrote in his letter to the Roman Christians, when they wanted to free him from the martyrdom that lay ahead of him: “Do not forbid me (that is, do not prevent me from coming to the Lord), I want to be ground (that is, ground), by the teeth of beasts, so that I may be a sacrifice acceptable to my Lord! This is high, holy love! In 1903, while he was with us, Father Archpriest John laid the foundation stone for the winter Trinity Church in front of a huge crowd of people, since that year there were teacher courses here, in which over 70 teachers took part. It would be a sin to remain silent about one event of too great importance, which took place through the prayers of Father John in front of the whole village and was known to the entire neighborhood, about which at one time everyone talked and wrote, and now, after the death of Father, Mr. M.A. mentioned in the newspapers what happened at that time in our monastery. Goltison. This was also in 1903, back in early June. “Anthrax” appeared throughout the local area. Cows and horses died several times a day. Quarantines were set up on all sides, and I thought with horror about how I would go for Father and how I would bring him to the monastery, because everyone who came to us by boat from more remote areas had to walk the entire 10 miles from the pier to us. In the monastery, in fact, no cattle died, there was no epizootic, but from it, surrounded by quarantines, it was impossible to get anywhere except on foot. Finally, it became necessary to resolve the issue, that is, either to warn Father about the impossibility of visiting our Leushino, or, disregarding the danger of exposing all our livestock to epizootics, to decide to go, and I, having prayed with faith, chose the latter. With all sorts of precautions, at night, in order to avoid the heat of the day, I rode to the pier on a light, simple one-horse tarantass. Two versts before it, in quarantine, we barely made it through, and only because everyone knew that everything was still safe in the monastery. We had barely passed this outpost when, unfortunately for us, two drays crossed the road, carrying fallen horses to be buried in a designated place. My horror and fear doubled, and I was almost sure that I had to lose my horse. Somehow we finally got to the pier and, with all the precautions, having sprayed and smoked, we put the horse into the stable. In the morning I went to meet Father and on the ship I told him everything. After listening to me in silence, Father got up from his seat and began to walk along the ladder of the ship and pray. After half an hour, he sat down next to me again and said: “What a treasure is prayer! With it you can ask for everything from the Lord, receive everything, every good, overcome every temptation, every misfortune, every grief.” I was already beginning to realize from these words that our misfortune “anthrax” would be overcome by his prayers, which I expressed to him. The priest replied: “Well, everything is possible for believers (Mark 9:23)!” When the ship approached the Borki pier, more than one hundred houseowners and housewives had already gathered there, intending to ask Father to “pray” for deliverance from such a severe punishment as the loss of livestock. “What will we do without cattle, breadwinner? After all, you can’t plow the land, nothing, even go around the world! It’s already poor enough, but now there’s this kind of trouble.” “Because of your sins, the Lord allowed such misfortune to happen to you, because you forget God; For example, holidays were given to us so that we could go to church and pray to God, but you get drunk, and you yourself know what good comes from drunkenness!” - “Obviously, Father is the breadwinner, what good is there in drunkenness, only evil.” - “So do you admit, my friends, that you are receiving retribution for your sins?” - “How not to admit it, breadwinner! Pray for us, sinners!” And everyone fell at their feet. Father ordered to bring a tub and immediately draw water from the river; Having performed a short blessing of water, he said: “Every householder take this water for himself, sprinkle it on his cattle and go and work with God, the Lord has had mercy on you.” Then Father went ashore, where our horses were already standing, which he himself had sprinkled, as well as the horse that had brought me to the pier, and we fearlessly rode to the monastery. On the same day, all the peasants went wherever they needed to, all quarantines were lifted, only one memory remained of the ulcer, combined with reverent surprise at the great prayer book of the Russian land. Although there was no loss of livestock in our monastery, we nevertheless asked Father to sprinkle it and pray for its preservation for the common benefit. And our invaluable prayer book, having performed the blessing of water, ordered all the cattle to be led past him one by one, and each one was separately sprinkled with holy water, as well as the horses. In general, Father loved animals, as an example of this I can cite an incident to which I and everyone on the ship were eyewitnesses. Once Father and I were traveling on a steamboat along the Volga upstream, against the current, at about 5 o’clock in the afternoon, during haymaking time. Everyone was on the gangway, where Father was reading a book to us, and we surrounded him, some sitting on chairs, some on benches, and some on the floor. Having stopped reading, Father turned to the former captain of the ship A.A. M. and said: “Let’s go, friend, slowly: it’s a wonderful evening, and the aroma from fresh hay is a pleasure!” Walking quietly, we approached a large village, widely spread along the banks of the Volga, and on the opposite bank there was a meadow where hay was still being harvested: some were throwing stacks, others were putting it on carts to take it across the river to the village on a ferry that stood at the other bank. Suddenly one horse with a huge cart of hay, having rolled it onto the ferry, could not stop and rushed straight into the water, dragging along both the cart and the peasant owner who was holding it. There was an unimaginable commotion on the ferry; both the horse and the hay were doomed to certain death. The peasant, throwing the reins into the river, immediately got into the boat and headed downstream, where the horse and cart should have been carried. Our ship stopped completely, we all looked in horror at what we thought was the dying animal. But what happened? The priest, standing right next to the board on the ramp, crossed himself all the time, prayed, saying out loud: “Lord, have mercy on your creation, this innocent horse! Lord, You created her to serve man: do not destroy, have mercy, O all-good Creator!” etc. He often made the sign of the cross in the air towards the horse, which floated with the cart, as if walking along the bottom. When she swam to the very middle of the river, where it was very deep, her heart simply froze, looking at her: you thought she would disappear under the water, but she continued to swim and was already not far from the other bank. The peasant who was sailing behind her in the boat also swam to the shore; he picked up the reins that were dragging on the water, got ahead of the horse and helped it lift the cart to the shore. Other men came running from the village and began to help the victim together. First, they unharnessed the horse, and it, feeling out of danger, began to shake itself off, roll around, that is, roll on the grass, and then cheerfully stood up on its feet. The hay got wet, but not all the way to the top, although it seemed to us that only the top of it was no longer in the water. Since this was in front of everyone, and everyone saw how Father John prayed for the salvation of the animal, many people gathered on the shore, led by the owner of the horse, to thank the dear prayer book and the common sad father, but he, avoiding this, immediately ordered the captain of the ship to move on. The Lord deigned me to see and hear many, very many edifying and gratifying things during my stay with Father John. He had an amazing ability to turn the smallest incidents, apparently unnoticeable, ordinary, not worth even attention, into useful edification for those around him. Here's an example. We were all once with him on the gangway of the ship, where, as usual, Father read to us. Having finished reading, he sat in silence, only ordering that the table on which the books lay be cleared away. There was a strong wind; Fearing that he would sweep the books into the river, I began to collect books to take them to the cabin. Father, who was looking intently at the floor, called out to me and said: “Mother, look how the poor fly is beating! See, there she is! She, the poor thing, was knocked to the floor, she can’t get up, but still she doesn’t lose hope, she fights with the wind: he carries her back, and she crawls again, what a clever girl! This is how the enemy, the devil, fights the soul, carries it like a whirlwind away from the path of salvation along which it goes, but it fights and does not yield to him. So the fly teaches us, gives us a lesson.” It happened that he admired the sunset on a clear summer evening and said: “How marvelous is the Creator in His creation! Just look at this sun, what a wondrous beauty! And if the creation is so majestic, then what about the Creator Himself, what is He like!” And one cannot count such and similar conversations and fragmentary phrases of Father with which he delighted the spirit of his companions. I will not describe how many amazing and varied healings took place before our eyes, because they are countless and known to everyone, but it is no less worthy to commemorate the cases that speak of his insight and foreknowledge and, in general, his closeness to the spiritual world. During his secret prayer, he seemed to contemplate God before his eyes and talked with Him as with a Being close to him. He seemed to question God and receive notifications from Hero. I can give the following example of this. One day Father was sitting on the ladder of the ship alone, reading his little travel Gospel, which he held in his hands. I was also on the ramp, but far from him. Suddenly Father, seeing me, made a sign with his hand for me to come up to him, which, of course, I willingly did. “Listen, mother,” he turned to me, sitting me down next to him, “what a wrong translation: I stopped in my frenzy (Ps. 115:2) translated: “I said in my madness” - isn’t that right at all?” I answered that it should have been translated: “I said in admiration, in the delight of feelings,” with which further words are consistent: that I will repay the Lord for all that I have repaid (Ps. 116:3). Father approved of my words and, lowering the book, sat in silence. Taking advantage of his calm mood and idle moments, I decided to express to him my disturbing thoughts about the afterlife of my mother, who, being a completely religious Christian, at the same time strongly opposed my going to the monastery and did not want to give me her blessing for this. I was worried about whether the Lord would count her stubbornness as a sin. And so, at the moment described, I asked Father about this. He told me: “Pray for her,” and, continuing to sit motionless with the Gospel in his hands, he concentratedly looked into the distance. I no longer repeated the question, and we sat with him in silence for about a quarter of an hour. Suddenly Father, turning to me, said firmly: “She has been pardoned!” I did not dare to understand these words as an answer to my question, considering it already over, and, looking at Father in bewilderment, I asked: “Who has been pardoned? Who did you say this about? - “Who were you asking me about? About your mother? - he objected. “Well, so I’m telling you that she has been pardoned.” “Father, dear,” I continued, “you speak as if you have received a message from above.” - “How could it be otherwise? After all, you can’t talk about such things without notification—it’s not a joke.” I can give examples not only of Father’s insight, but also of the fact that in the name of God he authoritatively forbade the demons, whose machinations he obviously saw; I will give just a few of them. Once I had the opportunity to travel with Father along the Baltic Railway, just the two of us, in a separate compartment. I wanted to talk to him alone about some necessary matter. A cordial, spiritual, frank conversation began. Suddenly, Father impulsively, quickly rose to his feet (without leaving the place where he was sitting) and, raising his right hand up, shook it in the air, as if threatening someone, and, looking straight into the distance (not to the side), said loudly: “May the Lord God forbid you!” Having said these words, he crossed himself, sat down in his place and looked at me with his usual gentle smile and, putting his hand on my shoulder, said: “What, mother, weren’t you scared?” “I was scared, Father,” I answered, “but I immediately understood that you forbade the demons - can you really see them?” - “Yes, mother, yes! But what can we say about this? Let’s continue our sweet conversation.” Thus, in this conversation we reached Oranienbaum; Father headed to the ship going to Kronstadt, and I, with the same train, without leaving the carriage, returned to St. Petersburg, consoled and encouraged by the conversation with the great man who has power over the spirits of wickedness in high places (Eph. 6:12). I can give the following second similar case. On the day of our courtyard church's feast of the Holy Apostle John the Theologian, Father always served with us; For this purpose, he came to the all-night vigil the day before, went out to the veneration, and read the akathist and canon himself. Then he stayed overnight with us and on the feast day celebrated the late liturgy together with other priests at 10 o’clock. He always got up early, sometimes at 4 or 5 o’clock, wrote a sermon or his notes, and at about 7–8 o’clock he went to freshen up in the air, and he always took me with him. We usually went to the islands, where in the morning it was always empty and secluded, which, with the clean fresh air, really constituted rest and joy for the shepherd, surrounded throughout the whole day by people and bustle. Father used these hours for secret contemplative prayer, and I, knowing this, never disturbed it with any conversations, except in those cases when he himself spoke to me. Once we were driving along the Nikolaevsky Bridge, from where the coachman was ordered in advance to turn left along the embankment. When our carriage reached the chapel on the bridge, a dead man was being carried along the embankment on the left side; The ditch with the coffin was pulled by one horse, and there were no more than 8 or 10 mourners, which is why each of them was clearly visible. Father suddenly changed his face, he looked intently at the funeral procession, and since it walked along the embankment parallel to our carriage on my (left) side, he had to lean towards my side, and I could not help but see the change in his face. Finally, the procession turned to the 1st line, and Father, having calmed down somewhat, began to cross himself. Then, turning to me, he said: “How terrible it is for drunkards to die!” Assuming that Father was talking about the deceased because he recognized those accompanying his coffin, I asked: “Do you know him, Father?” He answered me: “The same as you.” Still not understanding anything, I explained my assumption to him, adding that I didn’t know any of those accompanying him. “Me too,” he said, “but I see demons rejoicing over the destruction of the drunkard’s soul.” I cannot remain silent about the time this righteous man spent in our monastery last 1908. This was his last visit; He was already very weak, he could hardly eat anything, he spoke little, he read more and more, he retired into solitude, but he served every day in the cathedral church, which he always praised so much and about which he spoke more than once that it was easy for him to serve in it, which I have already mentioned. He stayed with us in the monastery for 9 days and on the day of departure he asked me: “How many days did I stay with you, mother?” When I answered, he continued: “I’ve celebrated the nineties on my own, I won’t be with you anymore. Thank you, thank you for all your diligence, for your love, for everything!” The sisters saw him off, as usual, with singing and tears - it was clear to everyone that the priceless lamp was burning out. When he and I left the monastery and, having passed the village of Leushino, turned left into the fields, Father began to turn back and look at the monastery. Assuming that he had forgotten something or wanted to say something to those driving behind us, I asked him about it, but he answered: “I admire your monastery once again: a quiet, holy monastery! May the Lord protect her, God is truly with you!” Now these wonderful, joyful words serve us as great, high consolation. From the Borka pier we took a boat to Rybinsk and down the Volga to the distant Kama, where Father was invited. With us were five sister singers, who, by order of Father, conducted services on the ship and sang to him during the day at his request. This remained the only consolation from the usual passing of time on the ship. On the eve of the day when we were supposed to part with Father, he asked the sister singers to sing all the numbers of the Cherubic songs that they knew. There were a lot of them (since they had the notes with them), and the sisters, standing next to Father, began to sing. When it was the turn of “Simonovskaya” Kherubimskaya, Father said: “This is my favorite song, I sang it myself when I was a boy,” and asked to repeat it. Then they sang, according to Father’s instructions: “He rejoices in You” and “The Highest of Heaven.” During the entire singing, the priest sat in a chair at the side of the ship, wrapped in a warm cassock, and, sitting, chanted with his right hand and sang along. When they sang “The Highest of Heaven,” he remarked: “This is good, but it’s a new tune, and I sang differently,” and in his melodious, but already senile, trembling voice, he sang this whole song to the end, that is, until “in the hedgehog shall we be saved.” Everyone shed tears, and how could it have been otherwise? Having sung, Father stood up and, turning to the singers, said: “Well, God grant that we all be saved! Thank you, sisters, for your beautiful sweet singing, with which you have always consoled me.” The next day Father and I parted; it was July 6, 1908. Concluding these notes of my conversations with the unforgettable Father John, I consider it worthwhile to add: 1) The purpose of publishing these notes is solely to share this spiritual treasure with believers, since they too can learn a lot of edifying things from them. Here I opened my soul to Father, which I did not hesitate to convey to the readers; but they too are people who live on earth and are also burdened with infirmities, therefore they will be lenient towards my shortcomings. 2) I ask you to believe everything written here, taking into account that I could not have any motivation to speak a lie against the deceased, who was already facing the Face of God. If I had written this during his lifetime, then one could still suspect me as a supporter and admirer of Father, but this would also be incompatible with my views, because I cannot help but understand the importance of this issue and in my advanced years this would be unforgivable. I am already 70 years old, I am preparing to follow Father into eternity. Oh dear Father! How much you consoled me during my life, sweetened the bitterness of the sea of ​​life for me! But even after your departure, you left me many sweet memories. Archpriest A.M. Kosukhin. From the diary Having a desire to serve with my dear father, Archpriest Ioann Ilyich Sergiev, I took the train to Oranienbaum. Upon exiting the carriage, a strong snowstorm and blizzard were visible, which made travel by sea much more difficult. I mentally asked the Lord to send me a fast horse so that I could quickly cross the sea. And thanks be to God: the driver who volunteered for me quickly covered the distance across the sea, keeping up with the owners who were riding ahead of us. I stayed with Mrs. Gerasimova opposite the House of Diligence. Here in the evening, among other conversations, I told about the dream vision I had of the Last Supper. And so the next day, Father John, in a sermon to the people, explained the words spoken by Jesus Christ at the Last Supper: eat... and drink from it in cu... pointing out that we can only be washed from sin by the Blood of Christ, taught to believers in the Sacrament of Holy Communion, and that if the Lord Jesus Christ had not suffered and shed His Blood for us on the cross, then we would have been the eternal slaves of sin and the souls of not only us sinners, but also the righteous would endlessly suffer in hell. Since the establishment of this Sacrament, this gracious and all-healing source of Christ’s Sacraments has been flowing in the Orthodox churches with a life-giving stream, but there are few who are thirsty to come to it in the holy churches. In case of illness, Orthodox Christians do not go to church or invite them to the priest’s house to receive the Sacraments of Christ, from which wonderful healings occur, but directly send for doctors, because they place more hope in people than in God. What happens from this lack of faith is that the sufferer’s illness drags on, he sometimes travels abroad, heals or spends all his money on doctors, but still there is no help. And so a person dies both in body and in spirit... Concelebration with dear Father John in Kronstadt Again he served with dear Father John in the Kronstadt St. Andrew's Cathedral and shed tears about his sins during the liturgy. After communion of the Mysteries of Christ, when I picked up with my hand the grains of the Most Pure Body of Christ that had scattered on the antimension, Father John said to me: “Thank you, father,” and then, turning to me and pointing to the grains, he said: “Divine grain, natural grain,” and I said to him: “Our sweetness and joy,” and he looked at me with such cheerful eyes. When I began to thank him for allowing me to serve with him, Father John said to me: “Thank you, my friend,” and then gave me his writings. I thank the Lord, for dear Father John shows me such love not only this time, but always, and I pray to the Merciful Creator that He will extend the years of the life of dear Father John for many, many years in correction, edification and imitation of us, sinful priests, and may He protect him with His angels from all evil on all his paths, even if he goes according to the will of the Lord. On Christmas Day (98) a throat hemorrhage occurred and continued on the second day of the 26th. At the request of my spiritual children, to my great joy, dear Father John came to us again and prayed. Through his prayers and God’s mercy, I recovered, without ceasing to receive communion of Christ’s Mysteries every day. Great is the mercy towards me, a sinner. The Lord, with His Most Pure Heavenly Mysteries, healed me to the surprise of everything, so that on the eve of the New Year, I served all the services myself, and on the very day of the new year, and to this day, I continue to perform the Divine Liturgy every day and enjoy the indescribable communion of the Most Holy Mysteries. Lord, Your mercy endures forever, do not despise the work of Your hand (Ps. 137:8) and have mercy on me, a sinner, according to Your great mercy (Ps. 50:1). Conversation with Father Ioann Ilyich Sergiev The Lord and Mother of God helped me see dear Father John, and I was with him for a long time, had many discussions with him on spiritual needs and asked him about the following subjects related to my life: Question. I used to pray on a stone to acquire chastity, is it possible to continue this, since I have left my illness? Answer. Prayed to afflict the flesh? - We can continue. Question. Which is better: is it possible to sleep after midnight after praying at midnight, or to sleep midnight and get up earlier? Answer. I go to bed at midnight and get up at four in the morning. Or you can get up at midnight and continue to pray; generally do as the Lord blesses this time. Question. Having told dear Father John briefly about my life, and what I had suffered from carnal passions and from demons for three years, thinking that I would not survive, I then asked: what does it mean that in dreams I often seem to be fighting with people stronger than me or fighting with demons, and how should I approach this? Answer. This means that you have greatly annoyed them with your labors and exploits, but the Lord helps you and protects you, just as in the lives it is written about saints who suffered a lot from demons. Protect yourself from demons with the honest Cross and prayer to the Lord. Question. How to achieve chastity and dispassion? Answer. Thought on God, reflection on the meaning of the Sacraments of Christ: deification, sanctification, purification, enlightenment, union with Christ, etc. Then - abstinence, prayer, meditation on the wisdom of God, on order and improvement. Question. How often can the flock be allowed to begin the Holy Mysteries - is it possible every week or more often? Answer. I give communion every week and more often, but this only arouses jealousy in them towards each other, and therefore I sometimes do not allow it. Question. I often see the Mother of God in the icon as if alive: a blush begins to flare up on Her Divine cheeks, Her eyes look into the very soul and barely speaks, and the heart is filled with inexplicable joy and is eager to reach the Lady. Could this be, isn't it lovely? Answer. Delight is always accompanied by embarrassment and fear, but when there is quiet joy in the heart, then it is from God and it can be. Question. Is it possible to pray for Count Tolstoy, so that God will convert him, and can he repent? Answer. He has such satanic pride that he will no longer convert, and it is sinful to pray for him. The letters of his name give the name of the Antichrist, as it was written about it. Question. There will be a time when this visible world will disappear and endless life will open, how will it be? Answer. There will be no water - the earth will burn, it will be cleansed of everything by fire, and everything will be given a new and new structure from the corruptible and incorruptible, so beautiful that it is impossible to even imagine it. Question. What prayers are better to pray, your own or ready-made ones? Answer. We need to pray to our own people in simplicity and skillfully, and therefore we should not leave ready-made prayers: the holy fathers have compiled everything wisely. Thanks for everything to God and His Most Pure Mother! Bishop Arseny (Zhadanovsky). Father John of Kronstadt The Lord destined me to accept monasticism through prayer and the absentee blessing of Father John of Kronstadt. Having entered the Theological Academy (in 1899), I began to look for an opportunity to see him in Moscow, where he often came to serve the Divine Liturgy and visit the sick. Soon the Lord fulfilled my desire. My comrade Elijah Aburus, later the rector of the Antioch metochion, Archimandrite Ignatius, going one day to his patron, the Most Reverend Tryphon, Bishop of Dimitrovsky, with whom Father John intended to serve in the Church of the Cross 21, took me with him. In the named church my first prayer communication with the great shepherd took place. This was so dear to me that to this day I have a feeling of gratitude to Father Ignatius and all those who later contributed to my rapprochement with Father John. These, by the way, were Alexander Semenovich and Elena Mikhailovna Mironov and especially Vera Ivanovna Pertsova. After moving from the Academy to Moscow (in 1903), I already saw and served with Father quite often. Well-wishers informed me about his every visit. Thus, I had the consolation of celebrating the Divine Liturgy with him in the communities “Quench My Sorrows” 22, Iverskaya 23, in the Boyevskaya Almshouse 24 and at the Antioch Compound. I remember the order and features of Father John’s ministry. He came straight to the church, entered the altar through the side doors, knelt down in front of the throne and, laying his hands on it, was sometimes in this position for quite a long time. At this time, the priest repented of all the sins he had committed over the past day, and stood up when he felt that the Lord was forgiving him. Renewed and cheerful in spirit, he then warmly greeted everyone present, put on his stole, blessed the beginning of Matins and went out to the solea to read the canon and daily stichera from the books that were usually prepared by the archpriest of the Church of Unexpected Joy 25 in the Kremlin, Nikolai Lebedev, a friend and constant companion of Father John in Moscow. Father read impetuously, emphasizing some places, often repeating words, or even entire expressions. Apparently, he made an effort to understand everything himself and to be understandable to those present. For the same reason, he was interested in the impressions received from his reading. After a short matins and entrance prayers, Father John began the proskomedia, and sometimes left it to one of the priests to perform it. Father served with concentration; tears appeared in his eyes, especially at the most important moments. Then the power of his prayer and closeness to the Lord was felt. After the liturgy, Father usually went to the rector of the church or to the authorities of the institutions where he officiated; here he drank a cup of tea and refreshed himself with a meal. At every meeting with him, one had to make sure that Father John’s mood always and everywhere remained equal, elevated, spiritual, producing a morally sobering effect on those present. Wherever he appeared, the atmosphere immediately became holy. Cheerful conversations, jokes, smoking tobacco and the like were unacceptable in front of him. Perhaps you have come across a miraculous image when those gathered behave reverently; the same thing was observed in the presence of Father: base, petty interests faded into the background, and the soul was filled with only the lofty, heavenly; everyone united in this bright mood of spirit, and a powerful wave of religious feeling resulted. In 1906, on July 24, Father John unexpectedly visited the Miracle Monastery, and first of all went to my vicar’s quarters. Sitting in the office on an armchair near the desk, Father talked with me, and I let him read his letter from 1899, in which he advised me to take monasticism. Expressing pleasure by shaking his head, the great shepherd stood up and began to leave. I asked you to bless me. Walking through the chambers, he recommended that I take advantage of fresh air more often and not be afraid to open the windows. While examining the monastery, Father became interested in the sacristy, where he drew attention to the Gospel written by Metropolitan Alexy. Holding it in his hands for a long time, he put the shrine to his head, kissed it and said enthusiastically: “What happiness for me today - I see and kiss my own manuscript of the great saint.” Then, having venerated the holy relics of the saint, he tenderly said goodbye to everyone and left. This visit was like a wonderful dream for us. The next day, July 25, I served with Father John in the church of the “Quench My Sorrows” community. After the liturgy, I, along with others, was invited to the boss’s apartment, where at the table Father gave me a lot of food from his plate and was very friendly. From here he went to the Mironovs, and Father Ignatius and I hurried there. All the close admirers of the Kronstadt shepherd usually accompanied him everywhere in Moscow. At the Mironovs, I had to witness Father’s extraordinary concentration in his home environment. After drinking tea with everyone, during which they brought children to him, showed them the sick and asked for advice, he publicly announced: “And now I will read the Holy Gospel and rest a little.” For this purpose, Father moved to another room, sat down on the sofa and plunged into reading, despite the fact that the eyes of those present were fixed on him. Immediately, putting a pillow under his head, he dozed off. When we said goodbye, Father John gave me his diary “Grief of the Heart!” with a handwritten signature and a warm cassock made of eider down, covered with pink silk material with flowers, and I, in turn, presented him with an icon of St. Alexis. Father kissed it and put it in his side pocket with the words: “Deeply touched.” I remember, further, my stay with Father John in the Vaulovsky monastery of the Yaroslavl province 26. Here I was given a place in a hotel, but I only spent the night there, and spent the rest of the time in Father’s house. I prayerfully thank the abbess of the Petrograd Ivanovsky Monastery and the above-mentioned monastery, Abbess Angelina, who showed me great hospitality and assistance in getting closer to Father John. In Vaulovo, Father served daily, spoke teachings and gave communion to the people, who filled the church in large numbers. The day before, the regular priests held an all-night vigil for the pilgrims and offered confession. By the grace of God, I also took part in celebrating the liturgy with the great shepherd every time. I remember Father John himself selected a miter for me, and one day, while drinking some warmth with me at the altar, he asked: “Do you serve good wine for services in Chudov?” I answered: “Average.” “I,” said Father John, “try to buy the best for such a great Sacrament.” When Father came out with the Chalice, there was great confusion in the church: everyone was striving for more salt, but he, however, treated those present strictly. His voice was often heard: “You took communion yesterday, but today I won’t allow it because you’re lazy and don’t work enough,” or: “Did you go to confession? You must always clear your conscience before the Sacrament.” It also happened this way: seeing the onslaught, and perhaps even the unworthy, he went to the altar, announcing that he would no longer give communion. Two nuns standing on either side sometimes dared to refute Father’s remarks; willingly agreeing with them, Father John said: “Well, then it’s a different matter,” and with love he taught the Holy Mysteries to those who wished. At one of the liturgies here, in Vaulovo, a terrible noise and scream arose at the locked entrance doors. They shouted: “Father, tell them to let us in - give us communion!” It was the so-called Johannites who were breaking in, whom the guards who came from Yaroslavl decided not to allow into the church. It must be said that Father John suffered a lot of grief and moral suffering from his unreasonable admirers; the latter acquired particular poignancy and strength because uncalled guardians of his honor and supposedly intercessors of the Church of Christ 485 often spoke in condensed colors about abuses of his name. I had such a case. We were on the terrace of the house. Father, sitting in a chair, was resting. Suddenly they reported the arrival from Yaroslavl of representatives of the Orthodox Russian people who wished to see Father John. The latter allowed them to enter. Those who came began to talk about the malicious actions of the Johannites, pointing out that they were collecting money for Father, taking away houses, and most importantly, preaching that the Holy Trinity, God Himself, was incarnate in him. It was with great sadness that Father John listened to this statement. – Who especially spreads such heresy? – he questioned. – M.P. 27, now located in Vaulovo. Soon M.P. entered the terrace. With his head bowed, he knelt before Father. Father John, I remember, told him this: “Please tell me, when you brought me donations, didn’t I always ask you whether they were voluntary, and whether you were extorting them from anyone? You answered me: “No, Father, everyone is happy to sacrifice for you.” “Yes, it’s true,” confirmed M.P. “Now look at the conversations going on: you are robbing people in my name, forcing entire houses to sign up, and even preaching a terrible heresy that I am God. Only madmen can say that: it is blasphemy. Repent, otherwise God’s curse will fall on you.” Here an act of denunciation was drawn up; it was signed by those present and Father John himself. It was clear how he suffered morally throughout the conversation. Walking through the courtyard of the Vaulovsky monastery, I was once detained by several people who asked me a question: “Don’t you believe that the Holy Trinity inhabited Father John?” To my bewilderment as to how to understand such an incarnation, one of the women said in a frenzy: “And this means that God Himself has become incarnate in him.” Soon after Father’s death I received such a letter. “You,” some person wrote to me, “revere Father John of Kronstadt, say: “Our dear Father,” you serve a memorial service for him, but I saw a dream, Father John himself appeared to me and said: “Go to the Chudov Monastery to Father Arseny and tell him: why does he call me only “dear Father,” - after all, God the Father Himself has incarnated in me; If he doesn’t recognize me like that, he’ll feel bad.” Here I became convinced that some people, without realizing it, really confused Father John’s state of grace with some kind of physical incarnation of the Divine in him, but there were few such people. Ioannism arose as a result of excessive veneration of Father John, and since he was a true shepherd, man of prayer and faithful son of the Holy Orthodox Church, and his admirers were distinguished by deep religious feelings, the Lord did not allow such a terrible heresy to develop. A little time passed after the death of Father, and through his prayers the so-called Johannity almost dissipated. Strange, however, was the behavior of the Yaroslavl defenders of the honor of Father John. We were told that they, having arrived with weapons, intended to disperse the restless admirers of Father by shooting. I consider the time I spent with Father John in Vaulovo to be dear, happy and exceptional in my life. Here I had to see the great shepherd in his home life, study his character and mood. First of all, he was distinguished by his hospitality: all visiting guests sat at his dining table. Father John sat me down next to him and diligently treated me. One day I told him: “Father, your welcome and kindness reminded me of my home and my parents, who recently died. It used to be that you would come to them on vacation after difficult exams, and they would start feeding you all sorts of dishes.” Father smiled pleasantly at this. I immediately noticed his gentleness: apparently, he was angry sometimes, but very fleetingly, and more likely from the ardor of his heart and fiery soul than from an angry feeling. By the way, I complained to him about a stomach illness. Father John advised me to drink tea with lemon, and he himself put it in my glass and stirred it. One day, wanting to please me, Father asked me to pass a lemon that was standing at the opposite end of the table, cut into pieces, with the skin removed. He didn’t like this preparation and asked sharply: – Who serves so ineptly? Call the culprit. A humble novice approached. - Did you cut this? Who taught you how to peel? - Sorry, Father, I didn’t know. - Oh, you didn’t know? Well, that’s another matter, but know ahead of time that the essence is in the skin. The words: “Well, that’s a different matter,” were said by Father so timidly and affectionately that, I think, the offender was glad to receive such an expensive reprimand. Due to his weakness, Father John did not remain at the table for long. He eats a little and, apologizing, goes to his office. “You sit,” he will say, “and eat, but I’m tired, I’ll go to my room and rest.” During the day, in addition to the New Testament, he read the life of the saint, his service according to the Menaion, and at the end of his life he was especially consoled by the Scriptures of the prophets. Regarding the latter, Father told me the following in a conversation: “I am now busy reading the prophets and am quite surprised at their divine enlightenment. Much applies to our times, and in general it is good to develop with the word of God. When I read, I clearly feel how everything in it was written by sacred writers under the illumination of the Holy Spirit, but you need to get used to such meaningful reading. If you remember yourself thirty years ago, it wasn’t easy for me. It used to be that you took the Holy Gospel, but your heart was cold, and much escaped your attention. Now spiritual delight seizes my heart - the presence of grace is so obvious to me in the Word of God; It seems to me that when I read, I absorb it into myself.” “What helps a pastor focus on the liturgy?” – I asked Father John at the same conversation. “It is necessary,” he said, “from the very beginning of the service to enter into the spirit of the Divine Eucharist. That is why I almost always try to perform the proskomedia myself, for it is the threshold of the liturgy, and this cannot be lost sight of. Approaching the altar and saying the prayer: “Thou hast redeemed us from the curse of the law...”, I remember the great work of Redemption by Christ the Savior from sin, curse and death of fallen man, in particular me, unworthy. Taking the particles out of the prosphora and placing them on the paten, I imagine on the throne the Lamb, the Only Begotten Son of God, on the right side - His Most Pure Mother, and on the left - the Forerunner of the Lord, the prophets, apostles, saints, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries, the righteous and all the saints. Surrounding the Throne of the Lamb, they enjoy the sight of His Divine Glory and take part in bliss. This is the Heavenly Church, triumphant. Then I lower my thoughts to the ground and, taking out particles for all Orthodox Christians, I imagine the militant Church, whose members still have to go their own way in order to reach the Future Kingdom. And so I am called to be a shepherd, a mediator between Heaven and earth, called to lead people to salvation. What inexpressible mercy and trust of the Lord in me, and at the same time how great and responsible is my duty, my calling! The sheep of the verbal flock stand in the church, I must intercede for them, pray, teach, instruct them... Well, will I be cold to my work? Oh no! Help me, Lord, to perform this world-saving liturgy with zeal, fear and trembling for myself and my neighbors! With this feeling I begin to serve and try not to lose the meaning and significance of the Eucharist, not to be entertained by extraneous thoughts, but to experience with my heart everything that is remembered in it.” And Father John, I would add, really felt deeply about everything, which was so noticeable from his prayerful appearance and the tears that moistened his bright eyes. “Further, for concentration during the Divine Liturgy,” he told me, “the most important thing is the preparation for it, in particular abstinence in everything in the evening, preliminary repentance and reading the established rule: the more attentively and enthusiastically we fulfill it, the more soulfully we perform mass. The daily canon should not be skipped; I almost always read it myself and through this I seem to enter into the spirit of the events being remembered, and when I leave it, I always feel unprepared.” “How to protect yourself from conceit and arrogance?” – I continued to ask Father. In response, he took the Bible from the desk and read the open page from the fourteenth chapter of the Book of the Prophet Isaiah, which talks about the casting out of heaven of the first angel for pride. Then returning the book to its place, Father John said: “I often resort to reading this Divinely inspired speech and marvel at the terrible fall of Dennitsa. How easy it is to fall through arrogance to the underworld! The memory of the death of the leader of the ethereal ranks greatly protects me from vanity and humbles my proud mind and heart.” Then I noticed that the page of the chapter I was reading was worn out. It even seemed to me as if Father always kept the Bible open on the table to the indicated narration of the prophet, which made an indelible impression on me. “How can you save yourself from bad thoughts and feelings?” – I dared to further propose a question to the great shepherd. “This is our common human frailty,” he said. – Strong love for the Savior and constant spiritual sobriety protect against uncleanness. They protect, I say, but they do not save; it is only the grace of God that saves. Here I am, an old man, and not free from filth. True, during the day, while performing the Divine Liturgy and taking care of myself, I experience almost nothing bad, but I can’t vouch for sleep. Sometimes the enemy presents such disgusting pictures that, when I wake up, I am horrified and feel ashamed.” So Father reproached himself, and in general, when I confessed to him, he considered my weaknesses as if he were his own. I will point out a sin, and he will say: “I suffer from the same thing,” and then he will offer advice. During our conversation, Father John complained, among other things, about his painful illness: “It is difficult for a healthy person to imagine how unbearable the pain of my illness is - a lot of patience is needed.” At parting, I asked Father to bless me, which the lamp of God fulfilled with love, fervently protecting me with the cross that was on my chest, and then gave me many of his things: a pillow, a blanket, an outer cassock, a change of linen, a portrait with a handwritten signature and the last issue of the diary. In turn, I offered him some items I had brought from the bookstore of our monastery as a prayerful memory. Between them were wooden spoons with the inscription: “In memory from the Chudov Monastery.” Father John began to choose; Having noticed on one of them in the word “Chudova” an unsuccessfully written letter “ch”, he removed it, saying: “I don’t want to take it, the inscription on it is unclear - you can read “Judova” instead of “Chudova”, and this is unpleasant.” Here again the holy mood of Father was revealed. Upon returning home from Vaulovo, I remembered how Father John reverently examined the Gospel of St. Alexis and how interested he was in having at least a line written by his hand. In gratitude for the reception given to me, I ordered a phototype from the named monument and sent it to him. In response to this, I was happy to receive the following letter from him: “Your Reverence, Most Honorable Father Archimandrite Viceroy! I sincerely thank you for the great and sacred gift - the Gospel of John, St. Alexis, Metropolitan of Moscow, copied and reproduced by phototype. A marvelous monument to the labors of the great Saint, who found time to engage in this work (correspondence) among many other saintly activities. May he reward you for this invaluable gift! Now I turn to you with a request: accept into the walls of the Miracle Monastery Hierodeacon Meletius, my friend, a modest and sober man, who, I hope, will not cause you any disturbance and will be a useful member of the brotherhood. I wish you deep grace, an abundant gift of the living word and good success in all matters with good health. May the Lord Jesus Christ and Saint Alexy of God protect you. Your admirer, Archpriest John Sergiev" This letter, received three months before the death of Father, was like a last testament for me. The wish for “the abundant gift of the living word” gave me the courage to speak more often in church and inspired me to write a spiritual diary following his example. As for Hierodeacon Meletius, whom I accepted into the Chudov Monastery, he, indeed, did not cause any trouble for the monastery, since a few months later, having gone to his homeland, he died. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to see and know Father John of Kronstadt at a time when I was still young and needed spiritual support and a living example. Using the example of Father John, I saw firsthand how close an altar server is to God and how irresistible his influence on the people can be. Frankly, Father, with his prayerful inspiration, had a strong effect on me, and I think also on many, especially during the celebration of the Divine Liturgy. Every shepherd ask yourself: are you always filled with reverent feelings, do you always contemplate the Heavenly? Father John was certainly imbued with all this, which was noticeable even from the outside. Serving with Father was a great consolation. To receive communion from his hands meant to receive the highest joy. And it was necessary to hurry so as not to lose the opportunity to partake of the Heavenly Meal with the great shepherd. And if long fasting and great abstinence are usually required, then during his service the entire center of gravity lay in spiritual inspiration, in spiritual freedom. This is the property of God’s grace - to be poured out not on external righteousness, but on a humble believing heart, repentant and loving the Lord. Yes, happy is the one who knew Father John and had the opportunity to enter into prayerful communication with him. He made an irresistible impression. This truly was the bridegroom of the Gospel (Matthew 9:15; Luke 5:34:35): it was so easy and joyful to breathe with him! You will see Father, serve the liturgy together and stock up on the fire of pastoral zeal for a more or less long time; it begins to fade away - you will rush to it again and spiritually perk up. Father John's influence on pastors was so great that it gave rise to a desire in some to imitate him. However, in matters of the spirit, copying alone is not enough. Here we also need sincerity and personal feat, which was lacking in many, and therefore the activity of such people was reduced to zero. What was the strength of the Kronstadt shepherd? Some explain it by Father’s kind character, friendliness and sociability - but you never know there are such people in the world, but their fame does not spread. Others see the reason for the same in his generous charity, encouraged in our time, when they are looking for an active rather than contemplative Christianity. We also have no shortage of benefactors who donate millions, but who are they especially known to? Finally, still others see in Father John the presence of vital magnetism, which had an irresistible effect on everyone he met. But why are all hypnotists infamous? These are the explanations of the sages of this age. The clergy say that the reason for the influence of Father John must be sought in his deep faith, love, devotion to Orthodoxy, in a sincere attitude towards shepherding and personal holiness. Yes, but the above only attracts the grace of God, which, in fact, makes a person great - this is where we need to look for the answer to his charm. Grace glorified the Kronstadt shepherd and attracted the hearts of many to him. From this side, he was not an ordinary person, but a miracle of God, a spiritual vessel filled with many gifts, who had the right to say: I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). Father himself, when they asked him how he achieved such fame, usually said: “I have nothing else except the grace of the priesthood, which is received by every priest upon ordination; warm it up and you will do even greater and more glorious things.” So, blessed by the grace of God, Father John, first of all, possessed exceptional faith. We are only approaching it, we only want to have it, but it does not warm the heart, does not completely occupy the mind and, as they say, “slides” into us. Father John, without any doubt or hesitation, believed in the Savior and in the Holy Gospel: faith was his native and eternal element, true knowledge, and not simple cold knowledge. He thought and spoke about everything related to the Divine not as something extraneous, outside his consciousness, but as something personally experienced and seen, he spoke as an eyewitness. Father John was saturated with faith in Christ, like a sponge is saturated with water, and therefore he could boldly speak to the apostle: ... it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal. 2:20). Here are the outpourings of his soul, recorded in abundance in his diary, testifying to his deep faith: “The Holy Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit for me and for everyone - breath and light, life, strength, justification, wisdom, holiness, all wealth, help, healing from all diseases, prayer fire, source of tenderness, preservation, safety, every good... Does your heart beat with joy and trembling when remembering and pronouncing the Most Holy Name of the uncreated and all-creating, All-Good and All-Blessed Trinity, Father and Son and Holy Spirit? O wonderful Name! O most sweet and all-life-giving Name! O beautiful, essential and eternal Trinity, which gave indescribable beauty to the entire created spiritual and material world!.. The only and Only Begotten Son is only the Son of God, and the only Life-giving Spirit is the Spirit of God, by whom “every soul is alive and exalted in purity, illuminated by the Trinitarian unity of the sacred mystery” (Antiphon). Glory to Thee, Lord, who revealed to us the secret of the Holy Trinity, most fittingly. Amen" 28. The second thing that attracted Father John to grace was his selfless love for God and his neighbors. “The mind cannot be amazed,” he says, “how good, life-giving and omnipotent is the Creator and Artist of them (people, the human race, all creation. - Ed.) Lord God! How the desire is kindled to love Him, to kiss His creative hand, to revere Him, to worship Him, to glorify Him, like the three youths in the furnace of Babylon! O my Creator! All creatures, no matter how many there are, all raise my gaze to You, as the Originator of joy of life” 29. One could especially observe the power of Father’s love for God when he celebrated the Divine Liturgy. After the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, when the Lamb of God Himself reclines on the throne, taking away the sins of the world, Father John could not take his eyes off Hero, filled with grace-filled tears of thanksgiving. One of Father’s co-celebrants at the cathedral says that Father John leaned close and lovingly over the Lamb, wept and spiritually rejoiced, looking at Hero; At that time he was like a child who caresses his mother, confiding in her his childhood joys and sorrows, knowing that his own mother would listen to him and would not drive him away. It is impossible to convey all the heavenly beauty of the described moment, which had a charming effect on the heart of every believer. We, for our part, were happy to see Father John in precisely such a state of prayer, when we involuntarily thought: “How Father loves the Lord, what a holy, dear he is!..” The third thing that Father John had was his unshakable devotion to the Holy Church and its statutes. There are many Orthodox people, but there are few who selflessly love their mother, the Holy Church. Father John never reproached her for anything, completely obeyed her and always enjoyed the spiritual wealth hidden in her worship, sacraments, and rituals. “Brothers, friends! - he said. - Love the Church: in the Church - your life or your living water, flowing with an unceasing spring from the ever-flowing source of the Holy Spirit - your peace, your cleansing, sanctification, healing, enlightenment, your strength, help, your glory, in it are all the highest eternal interests of man. Oh, what a blessing the Church is! Glory to the Lord of the Church, who pours out His gifts upon her in immeasurable abundance! Oh, believe, believe not only in words, but in deeds in the Holy, Catholic, Apostolic Church..." 30 Next we must talk about the pastoral zeal of Father John. Who doesn’t know how he went down into basements and dens, looking for unfortunate and poor people? Who has not read about his countless long and difficult trips across Russia to the sick and those seeking spiritual consolation? Who was not amazed by his construction of monasteries and various charitable institutions? It is difficult to describe how diverse and in what forms the activities of Father John were manifested. Living and working for his neighbors, leading them to God and to salvation was the goal of his entire life; in this regard, he did not take into account either his peace, or family, or other circumstances. Father looked at shepherding as a task entrusted to him by the Lord God Himself, which he had no right to refuse or evade. Even at the beginning of his priesthood, Father’s wife noticed that he was completely forgetting his family and home, but Father John answered: “Happy families, Lisa, are enough without us, but you and I will devote ourselves to serving God.” When the family expressed fear that, given Father’s generosity, they might not be left in dire need, he gave the following arguments: “I’m a priest, what’s wrong with that? This means there’s nothing to say – I belong not to myself, but to others.” A special type of service of Father John to his neighbors must be recognized as his daily celebration of the Divine Liturgy, at which he called everyone to repentance and communion. The Savior's testament to partake of His Most Pure Body and Blood for Eternal Life, unfortunately, has now fallen into oblivion and is often desecrated. Father John revived and restored this covenant of Christ. A voice was heard from Kronstadt: “With the fear of God and faith, approach the Chalice,” approach not only mentally, as it was before, but for an actual, real union with the Savior in the Holy Mysteries. Full of love, Father John could not bear the cold attitude of the believers towards such a great Sacrament. He longed for the salvation of his spiritual children, and therefore wanted them to always receive the most dear, the most precious, the most necessary, namely: Holy Communion. It remains to be said about the personal holiness of Father John. In his mood and life, he was a righteous man, which he achieved through deep attention to himself, the constant cleansing of his heart from all filth of the flesh and spirit. Witnesses of such internal work of Father are now his diaries. Writing down every day all the experiences of the soul, both grace-filled and sinful, he thanked the Lord for all good things, and strenuously fought against evil and took care to blot it out through self-reproach, prayer and secret repentance. In the latter, Father John acquired extraordinary mobility: every unkind feeling, every bad thought was certainly accompanied by contrition and an appeal to the Lord for forgiveness and mercy. And for such a free and constant confession, the Savior gladdened the heart of the great shepherd, filled it with peace, consolation, or, as Father himself put it, “space,” as a result of which the dominant state of Father John was cheerfulness of spirit and constant freshness of physical strength. Having learned from experience the great significance of secret repentance in the matter of moral creation, he advised others who were zealous for piety to resort to the same. Yes, Father John had amazing attentiveness to his inner state: he attached importance to everything, tried to comprehend and evaluate everything from the spiritual side. If you read the rule, you delve deeply into every word, which is why in its instructions we find many notes like the following: the expression “keep my damned soul” is underlined, and in the margins it is written: “Indeed, how damned I am.” Whether he happened to be among nature, to see the starry sky, the sunset, the sea, mountains, meadows, a red flower, his gaze was immediately transferred to the Creator of the world - God, whose creative right hand he contemplated in all His deeds. If he dreamed of anything, he remembered that too. Father John spent such an inner life not for a year or two, but for more than half a century and achieved a high spiritual dispensation - a holiness that so greatly amazed everyone who had the good fortune to meet and pray with him. The very appearance of Father John was special, somehow charming, involuntarily endearing everyone’s hearts to him: the sky was reflected in his eyes, compassion for people was in his face, and the desire to help everyone was in his manner. It is not surprising that all those who were sick, suffering in soul and body, were drawn to him. We will give at least one of the countless examples. Someone who had completely lost his way, who had completely ruined his health through drunkenness, was walking through St. Petersburg past the station and noticed a crowd rushing towards the approaching train. Simple curiosity made him ask: “Where are people in such a hurry?” They told him: “Father John of Kronstadt should arrive now.” “These eccentrics,” he thought, “it’s worth pushing like that, and what’s so special about it? But, by the way, I’ll go and look at this priest, they’re talking a lot about him.” Coming... The priest, despite the surrounding ring of those greeting him, pays attention to the approaching one, boldly crosses him and lovingly says to him: “May the Lord bless you and may He help you set on the good path, my friend. It’s obvious you’re suffering a lot!” From such inspired words of the great shepherd, the power of grace, like an electric spark, passes through the entire being of the unfortunate person. Stepping aside, he felt that his heart was full of tenderness and affection for Father John. “And in fact,” a thought involuntarily flashed through his mind, “how difficult it is for me to live, to what baseness I have reached, I have become worse than cattle. Is it really possible to get up? How nice it would be! Father John wished this for me, and how kind he is, he took pity on me, I will certainly go to him!” And then he goes to Kronstadt, confesses, partakes of the Holy Mysteries and, with God’s help, gradually recovers morally. Speaking about Father John, I cannot help but remember with a kind word his clerk Vera Ivanovna Pertsova, later nun John, who has now passed away. For many years, out of holy love, she selflessly served the great shepherd. After graduating from high school, Vera Ivanovna began to seek spiritual communication with Father, but even approaching this lamp, always surrounded by people, was not so easy; then she decided to patiently follow Father John from afar and, as they say, not take her eyes off him. In Kronstadt, she sometimes had to walk for hours near Father’s house just to see his shadow in the window even for a minute, and if she succeeded, her jubilation knew no bounds. Father John himself once in the church drew attention to such a zealous pilgrim, ordered her to go get a book, then he entrusted Vera Ivanovna with copying the diary and, finally, took her to work as a clerk. She carried out this obedience until Father’s death and was his constant companion when traveling. Treasuring the trust of the holy shepherd, Vera Ivanovna served him with all her might and once, while protecting his peace, she almost lost her hand. It happened like this: at the station, people were pouring into the carriage, where Father, who was leaving for a trip, entered. Vera Ivanovna was blocking the entrance. Someone, in a fit of indignation, slammed the door, pinching her fingers. But she suffered much more moral suffering because of the same devotion. Dissatisfied admirers of Father John were very jealous of Vera Ivanovna’s closeness to him and showered her with slander and false denunciations. Father John, like a visionary, knowing the good mood of his clerk, did not pay attention to her “well-wishers” and supported the faithful worker in every possible way. When I was visiting Vaulovo, Father made it clear, among other things, that after his death Vera Ivanovna would need my support. Turning to her, he said: “Take care of Father Arseny, he will be useful to you later.” And so it happened: after the death of the great shepherd, abandoned by everyone, she came to Moscow. I had to work hard to arrange it, but it was not easy in view of the human malice that surrounded it. Besides, I didn’t have much weight and couldn’t help in any way; Even in the women’s monasteries he did not meet with sympathy, despite the fact that Metropolitans Vladimir and Macarius gave Vera Ivanovna their recommendations. Only the abbess of the Moscow Novodevichy Convent Leonida responded to my request: she assigned her to her monastery, allowing her to take the mantle with the name of Joanna. Unfortunately, she did not have much time left to live, as she developed consumption due to troubles and hardships. Sent for treatment to the Caucasus at the Komansky Monastery of St. John Chrysostom 31 as a treasurer, she not only did not recover here, but because of the damp terrain her health was completely ruined. Barely alive, Vera Ivanovna returned to the Novodevichy Convent, where she soon rested peacefully in the Lord, having in front of her a portrait of Father John, which she looked at prayerfully until her last breath. By order of Mother Superior Leonida, she was buried with honor. I performed her funeral service in the cathedral in full light, in the presence of many sisters and the singing of the entire monastery choir. I consider it my duty to always remember Vera Ivanovna, who made it easier for me to access Father John. From her words and what I know myself, I convey the following about the great Kronstadt shepherd. In his adolescence, Father John had difficulty teaching, but a child’s tearful prayer to the Lord opened his mind, helped him complete the seminary course first and enter the St. Petersburg Academy on public account. In his youth, Father saw in a dream a church into which someone led him. When he was appointed a priest in Kronstadt, entering St. Andrew's Cathedral for the first time, he was extremely amazed that it was the latter that he had dreamed about. Initial life in Kronstadt was not conducive to the pastoral work of Father John. The large family he entered and the cramped apartment must have, apparently, interfered with spiritual concentration, but Father, even in such an environment, managed to develop the thought of God in himself: when it was difficult for him to pray, he went out of town to contemplate the Lord in solitude among nature. From the first steps of his pastorate, Father John set the task of celebrating the Divine Liturgy daily, but since the local clergy consisted of several priests, it was difficult to fulfill his desire. He had to beg permission to serve, to which not all his brethren agreed. Only by replacing the next one did Father feel free. In his mood, Father was always inclined towards spiritual contemplation. While still young, when he went to church and returned from there, he turned his gaze to heaven and raised his hands as if in prayer. The crowd, unaccustomed to such phenomena, was ready to consider the new priest abnormal. This view of Father almost became established even among his fellow cathedral members. His living activity at the beginning of his pastorate seemed so unusual and new that the highest spiritual authorities repeatedly called Father for explanations and were ready to impose restrictions on him, but the Lord Himself protected His chosen one from unjust and unnecessary repressions, gradually bringing all those attacking to the consciousness of the righteousness of the Kronstadt lamp. Sometimes Father John was overcome by spiritual distress, as he himself explained, due to the withdrawal of God’s grace, but then he did not weaken in spirit, but continued to watch and pray like this: “You, Lord, forsake me for my sins, but I will not leave You, but will always cry out for mercy.” During the course of his life, Father John experienced a lot of persecution and annoyance from his imaginary admirers, who inflicted many insults on him in the church, however, as a true shepherd, who always had even, prayerful, holy care for people, he emerged unsullied from all the machinations of the devil, erected against him through people. After celebrating the Divine Liturgy, Father John loved to retire to read the Holy Gospel and indulge in the thought of God. And this is understandable: his mind and heart were always directed to the heavenly, and therefore after receiving the Life-giving Mysteries of Christ, when he entered into real unity with the Lord, he especially did not want to be deprived of the spiritual fruits of Holy Communion - peace, joy and bliss, so easily plundered by the vanity of the world. Often Father John read and explained the word of God to his loved ones, which most often happened while traveling on a ship. “Blessed are those moments,” Mother John told me, holding the Book of the Belly in her hands. – Father’s interpretations were simple, imbued with deep faith and love for the Lord. The heart then beat strongly from spiritual delight and consolation.” Father slept in summer and winter with the window open, as he loved fresh air, and if he felt cold, he dressed warmly, even in a fur coat. When going to bed, he did not take off his cassock, as if keeping himself always ready to meet the Heavenly Bridegroom, who could come at any time; At night he went for a walk to enjoy the silence and admire the starry sky. In general, Father John was very fond of nature and especially plants: he would stop over some flower and think for a long, long time, kissing the creative Hand of God in it. From everything around him, he constantly took for himself a reason or theme for contemplation of God. Father John treated the money and gifts he brought differently: he refused some, did not value others, quickly passing them on to others, and was obviously interested in some, those that brought him comfort and joy, and all this regardless of their value. During Great Lent, in all likelihood, Father almost always felt unwell from extreme labor, so that one had to fear even for his health and life. But the Lord helped him. The Holy Pentecost passed, and at Easter Father recovered and flourished. Father John united everyone with his love; he did not suffer from narrow-class views. Priests and monks, noble and simple, rich and poor, were equally drawn to him. It was a pleasure to serve with him, since then the Throne of God was surrounded by the monks and parishioners of the shepherd, giving them the feeling that Christ equally accepted everyone into His fatherly embrace. Himself from the white clergy, Father deeply valued monasticism and was the builder of many women's monasteries. Hence it is not surprising that he gave advice on entering monasticism. One day during Lent, Father John fell seriously ill: the doctors prescribed fast food for him. Then he asked his mother if she would bless him for this, and received the following answer: “It is better to die, but do not violate the rules of the Holy Church.” Father was often asked (about Tolstoy) whether he could repent?.. He said: “No, because he is guilty of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit,” and predicted his imminent death, which actually happened. Father John made it a rule to speak a lesson at each liturgy, having thought it over in advance and sometimes written it down. When going out to the pulpit, he certainly prayed: “Lord, help me to say a word for the benefit of those listening.” Father always strived to have a holy, serious attitude towards God and loved ones. We often talk superficially about objects of faith, and we are insincere and unkind towards people. The Kronstadt lamp burned in spirit towards the Lord, and saw His image in man, and therefore valued, respected and loved everyone. Father John possessed the gift of tears, which were often observed in him during the Divine Liturgy, secret prayerful repentance and spiritual contemplation. These tears, as he said, did not harm his vision. “You, Lord, have arranged that I am not afraid to shed tears of repentance and tenderness before You, for they do not weaken, but cleanse and strengthen my vision. The tears of this world - from worldly sadness - weaken and completely blind a person who cries a lot, but tears of grace produce a nasty effect. For this and for all good things - glory to God." 32 Father often in his sermons pointed to the imminent Coming of the Savior, expecting it and feeling how nature itself was preparing for this great moment. He mainly paid attention to the fire with which the world would be destroyed, just as the ancient one was destroyed by water. “Every time,” he said, “I look at fire and especially at its raging elements during fires and other cases, I think: the element is always ready and only awaits the command of the Creator of the universe to carry out its task - to destroy everything on earth, along with people, their iniquities and deeds.” And here is another similar entry: “When the waters of the globe lose their balance with the underground fire and the fire overpowers the water element, which is constantly decreasing, then the fiery flood predicted in the Holy Scriptures and especially in the letter of the Apostle Peter will occur, and the Second Glorious Coming of the Lord and judgment of the whole world will occur. By that time morals will be extremely corrupted. Believe that the Second Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ with glory is at the door." 33 Father John, in his teachings, conversations and diaries, often reminded that sin and lawlessness torment a person, instill in him melancholy, torment of conscience, and vice versa, freedom from passions invigorates the heart and refreshes the entire body. The spiritual experience of Father, who vigilantly fought against sinful nature, was reflected here. Father John loved to talk about the space of the heart, which he himself constantly sought and asked from the Lord. And he defined it this way: this is a state of mind when neither despondency, nor boredom, nor fear, nor any other passions oppress you. It is open to the perception of spiritual benefits and is overflowing with them. Opposite to it is spiritual distress, which comes from all kinds of defilement and the removal of God’s grace from us. Father John praised simplicity, pointing out that the Lord Himself is a Simple Being. Faith, hard work, courtesy, humility, kindness, quietness, humility, obedience - all this, Father explained, grows on the soil of a simple soul. Father John strived for perfection in everything. Thus, he recognized only deep heartfelt prayer, and considered hasty and scattered prayer to be mere beating of the air. He attached meaning to every word he said, so he never said anything unnecessary. Human speech, the great shepherd explained, is an image of the Word of God, and as such it must be holy and just. Hence there should be no contradiction between word and deed: what is said and promised should be fulfilled. He looked at all members of the body as pure creations that should excite only sublime feelings. Father John translated everything earthly into the sacred, the lofty, and tried in every possible way, so to speak, to “dissolve into the heavenly.” For him, everywhere and in everything there was only God; his whole life, all the strength of his soul were directed towards this. In other words, in Father’s spiritual horizons, the earth came closer to Heaven, and his feelings were an organ for perceiving not so much external as spiritual impressions. Father John did not like to remain in debt to anyone, and especially to those who provided services to him. Before the holidays of the Nativity of Christ and Easter, they signed lists of people who were to be given so-called tips. This included telegraph operators, postmen, police officers and others. Even in the last year of his life, already sick, Father did not forget his custom and was in a hurry to compile lists, otherwise, he said, “I won’t have time.” Having suffered an illness at the beginning of 1906, Father John, hitherto vigorous, tireless and cheerful, immediately became haggard, decrepit and began to feel a loss of strength, but did not interrupt his life’s task - the daily service of the Divine Liturgy and visiting the suffering. The last mass was celebrated by Father John on December 9, 1908. From that day on, his illness took a severe form, so that he was forced to stop receiving strangers and almost all the time he reclined in a chair with the window open. A careless departure for a walk on December 17 in the carriage of a random cab further aggravated the ill health of the lamp of God. He became completely weak and on the morning of the 19th he could no longer go out into the hallway to meet the priest with the Holy Gifts, as he did every day. In his dying days, Father sometimes groaned, which indicated his severe suffering, he refused all medicine and drank only holy water from the spring of St. Seraphim of Sarov. The last order was made by Father John to Abbess Angelina about the consecration of the church-tomb in the Ioannovsky Monastery. The night of December 20 passed anxiously; at two o'clock in the morning his legs went paralyzed, and he apparently began to fade away. We had to hurry with the liturgy - at four o’clock the priest arrived with the Holy Gifts. Father John could only accept the Holy Blood. After communion, he wiped his lips himself and calmed down for a while; Having then said: “It’s stuffy for me, it’s stuffy,” he fell into oblivion. The breathing became quieter... The priest who arrived began to read the canon on the outcome of the soul, and when, at the end, he approached Father, the latter lay motionless, with his hands folded on his chest. Several more sighs were heard, and the great shepherd calmly surrendered his spirit to God. The eyes, hitherto closed, opened slightly, and clear tears appeared from them, like crystal. These were the last tears of the righteous man. Father died at seven hours and forty minutes in the morning on December 20, 1908, in his eightieth year of birth. During his illness, he was silent and extremely serious: apparently, he was prayerfully preparing for the transition to the upper world. Father John, after great labors in life, appeared as a truly ripe ear of corn in the field of Christ, and therefore could no longer be with us sinners. That is why his last words were: “It’s stuffy for me, it’s stuffy,” that is, it’s stuffy in this earthly vale. They buried Father in the tomb of the Ioannovsky Monastery that he built in St. Petersburg. One of the priests who was present at the burial of Father John, who had previously been quite critical of his pastoral activities, testified in the press the following: “When I, barely making my way through a countless crowd of people, approached the tomb of Father, my heart was immediately conveyed the feeling that they were not praying here for the deceased, but at the shrine of an already glorified saint of God, since the church was resounding with the cries and groans of people asking for all kinds of help from the deceased, which obviously reflected the spiritual instinct of the people. I experienced this even more during the burial. The impression I received radically changed my view of the Kronstadt shepherd, whom I subsequently appreciated, fell in love with, and now only live by his prayer.” I had the good fortune to see and read the diaries of Father John of Kronstadt in the original. I remember that I had sixteen notebooks of different shapes and sizes, covered with the hand of the great lamp. Unfortunately, due to the complexity of the lessons, I was not able to properly disassemble and study them in due time, and yet they contain a lot of interesting things. From there, only reverent reflections and spiritual contemplations were extracted, yet diary entries about the personal and intimate experiences of Father - about his constant struggle with sinful thoughts and feelings - remained unpublished, while every line of the All-Russian shepherd can be important for someone who, following his example, seeks spiritual improvement. I present here what I managed to write out from the three notebooks of his diary for the years 1904–1907. On the first page, Father John makes the following heading: “Some notes about the divine service of the Orthodox Church in memory of myself and my dear brethren - the priests and deacons, partly the psalm-readers, May 12, 1907.” The writing is illegible, and below there is the following note: “I could barely make out the word “partly” (I read “about printing”). How badly, illegibly, unintelligibly, incorrectly I write, it’s a disgrace. July 6, 1907." (An example of self-reproach. – Author’s note.) March 29 [1907]. Thursday. I sinned last night by treating the wife of priest A.E., who was stricken with paralysis, irritably and angrily. It was unpleasant for me that she invited me to him, who was sick, with the Holy Gifts (for tomorrow, that is, today), while I [had] to hurry to... at the indicated hours. I ask the Lord for forgiveness for my sins. E. received communion yesterday, and today - another time. March 30. And in my sleep I serve as the subject of mocking dreams of ethereal enemies, who put me in countless ridiculing, stupid situations, bewilderments, senseless constructions, losses, or who frighten me with wars, fires, thunder, lightning, earthquakes and all sorts of unpleasant dreams, or who defile me with voluptuous views. I am a damned man! Who will deliver me from this body of death? April 4 [1907], Wednesday, 5th week. [Lent]. I thank You, Lord, for yesterday and for all the days of my life, and for the present day, which I met in my monastery on Karpovka. The day of the tonsure of nuns Anastasia and Anna. Guide them, Lord, into Your Heavenly Kingdom. I pray to the Lord to forgive me for eating a sweet dish in the evening, which was morally (and not physically) harmful for me precisely because it was sweet and very pleasing to the multi-passionate flesh. May 1 [1907]. Tuesday of Fomina's week. I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance and granted me salvation. How good You are, Lord, and how quickly obedient to those who repent of You, Lord! Grant me to be faithful to You with all my heart all the days of my life. May 5 [1907]. Saturday of Fomina's week. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to write the word for May 6 and print [it]. Glory to You, Lord, Hypostatic Wisdom and the Word of God with the Father and the Holy Spirit. Amen. I thank my Lord with all my heart for accepting my repentant warm prayer for mercy on me and healing the fierce ulcer in my heart that struck him for the existing hostility towards the servant of God... - for the fact that she stands in front of everyone in the church (I secretly humiliated her and subjected her to partiality - after all, I did not do this to other people). The Lord healed the ulcer of my heart and had mercy on me, disposing my heart towards love, peace and respect for it together with others and allowing me to celebrate the liturgy in peace. (This was during mass before the Cherubim.) March 28. 10 pm. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from my sins, from the angry and hostile movements of my accursed heart after secret prayers of repentance in the carriage, in the monastery and in my cell. I deeply recognized and felt my sins in my heart and denounced, reproached, condemned myself and prayed to the Lord with His immeasurable mercy to forgive my sins, to heal my heart with a good change, to pacify, cleanse, renew, dissolve it with the grace of the Holy Spirit - and I was not put to shame at all times, no matter how much I called on the name of the Lord in unfeigned repentance. Glory to the Lord, in invincible mercy. August 19. Ivanovo Monastery. Overnight. In a dream before waking up at half past six I saw a significant dream: not in houses, but on the roofs of houses or dachas I saw jubilant people with candles; among others, I saw my sisters-in-law Alexandra and Anna Konstantinovna, and my wife. There was some kind of general joyful, festive mood, with which I congratulated my people, calling them by name. Is it an ordinary dream or an omen of some kind of celebration? God willing! Due to excess in food and sweets (a glass of sweet tea with dry pretzels on the ship “Dear”) and sleep on the ship, I was conveniently exposed to the temptation of irritation with Vera Yves, who was traveling with me. - because she took me to very dirty apartments, where I experienced severe embarrassment from the people. This - once, twice - because she was lucky very far, almost to the Vorontsov courtyard 34, to the son of E.I. IN.; Here I was very angry that she did not name the streets where she was taking her. But I repented with all my heart of my impatience and waywardness, blamed myself, and V.I. justified her as meek and humble. Yes, I violated the most important thing of God’s Law – love for one’s neighbor. The immeasurably merciful Lord had mercy on me from sorrow and distress and gave me peace, healing and boldness. The same thing happened in my monastery, where the Lord accepted my repentance, gave me peace and delivered me from sorrow. The all-evil and all-evil enemy catches and catches, constantly catches. Today, in the Church of the House of Diligence in Kronstadt, I was caught and tormented by hostility and some kind of humiliation, jealousy and envy of my cathedral psalm-reader due to the fact that he stood out very sharply with his voice when singing liturgical chants. With difficulty I broke the enemy’s violence, scorching and wounding, and only through secret repentance and prayer did I overcome him, taking parts out of the prosphora to propitiate the Lord. How we must pity the Christian and non-Christian race, which suffers willy-nilly, knowingly and unknowingly, from the devil’s violence and delusion. After the liturgy and Eliseev's dinner in St. Petersburg. I thank You, Lord, for the liturgy performed in tenderness of the heart and for the prayer read sincerely and loudly for victory over the enemies, and for the overcoming by Your grace of the temptations that occurred during dinner and after it. September 26. The Lord revealed in me today during the Liturgy the immeasurable power of His grace and the same strength of His gracious mercy for my faith and secret repentance. The temptation was especially strong and fast, like lightning, at the great entrance with the Holy Sacrament, when the enemy struck my heart with an acute hostility towards NN’s wife, and towards himself, because she stood behind bars on the salt, where everyone was forbidden to go. But by quick, secret repentance and self-condemnation, I attracted God’s mercy and help and peace of mind, and I served the rest of the liturgy peacefully, with grace, and received communion in the same way. But with the communicants frantically approaching, he became embarrassed, irritated and amused the enemy with his anger. My deep repentance, however, the Lord accepted and had mercy on me. Oh, how the damned one catches! Be sober and watchful, for your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. October 31st. In Kronstadt, in the House of Diligence, when I went with prayer services and gave communion to sick visitors, the elderly maiden A. followed me from apartment to apartment, seeking a particle for her communion. There were few particles left in stock - I had to save them for the sick woman in Oranienbaum - and I became very angry with A. and sharply drove away E., her relative, who interceded for her; and so I angered the Lord, the Source, the Foundation of love, with my irritation, and upset my neighbors, and it became hard for me, very hard. I began to repent to the Lord, repent a lot, both here and on the ship “Dear.” And the Lord forgave me for my grave sin. Here's a lesson: treat everyone meekly, condescendingly, patiently, kindly. My so-called spiritual children, who have been partaking daily of the Holy Mysteries of Christ for several years now, have not learned obedience, goodness and long-suffering love, and are indulged in bitterness and disobedience, and this is when the word of the Church teaches them daily faith and Christian virtues. God! What should I do with them? Teach by Your Holy Spirit how to correct them? What to do with them? How and when should they be admitted to the Cup of Life? Shouldn't we give them penance? Shouldn't we deprive them of communication for a month or more, so that they can learn to communicate unfeignedly, with fear, with deep humility and love for their neighbors with You, the Heavenly Creator, gentle and meek? But heal me myself, the doctor of others, O Lord, for I continually sin after communion of the Holy Mysteries. I remembered my St. Petersburg Academy and my life within its walls, which was not without sin, although I was a very pious student, devoted to God with all my heart. My sins were that sometimes on great holidays I drank wine, and only God alone protected me from harm, that I did not get caught by the Academy authorities and was not expelled from it, as the student Metelnikov (Vas. Ivanovich from the Nizhny Novgorod Seminary) was expelled, who got drunk to the point of insensibility and froze his hands outside the Academy walls. (The gates were locked at night and he could not enter the Academy.) I thank the Lord for his mercy and hiding my sinful actions. And then there was another case: on one twelfth holiday, I was ordered to stand at the all-night vigil and hold the miter to Archimandrite Kirill 35, an extraordinary professor and assistant inspector of the Academy, and I did not take off [the miter] and then, when my comrades noticed why I did it, I answered: “He will take it off himself.” How I got away with this rudeness, I don’t know, but the archimandrite, apparently, was offended by me and addressed me in a lecture in the audience with very strong notations, without mentioning me. He read Moral Theology and was a relative of the rector of the Academy, Bishop Macarius of Vinnitsa 36. I honor your venerable memory, my former bosses and mentors (Vladyka Macarius, inspector Archimandrite John (Sokolov) 37, lecturer of Theology and professor Archimandrite Kirill), that you condescended to me and did not punish me according to my guilt and gave me the opportunity to graduate happily and receive the academic degree of candidate of theology and the priesthood. I thank the Lord, who was patient with me throughout my upbringing, for in school and in the seminary I angered Him with my sins, although I always repented, and often with the hottest tears. Glory to You, who has endured me until now! I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly performed miracles of mercy and blessings of peace, renewal, freedom, and boldness in me in prayers for people in different houses and apartments of the capital. Glory to His benevolence, kindness, mercy and power, which gives life to us, killed by various sins. Lord, remove the thorn of the enemy from my heart and send me the dew of the grace of Your Spirit, reviving and cooling my heart. I see the beauty of the evil one. Lord, take away the obsession of the enemy from my heart and always show it free through repentance. “Who is the great God, like our God! You are God and work miracles; “Thou hast said Thy power in men”—in Thy countless deeds—and the Church continually remembers and glorifies all Thy great deeds in the world and in Thy Church. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee. Wake up! Wake up! April 19, 1905 Easter Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who expelled the charm of sin from my heart through secret prayer of repentance and freed me from the captivity of sin, and gave me freedom from sin and peace. Enlighten, O Lord, the eyes of my heart with the light of the mind of Your Holy Gospel. May 2. I thank the Lord for this day, successfully spent by the mercy and assistance of God in prayers for the people who invited me to St. Petersburg. Thank you also for the written sermon on May 8 (John the Theologian). 24 and 25. The ethereal villain sought and seeks to make me disgusted with the young doctor given to me by the professor, and arouses pity for the impressive amount of money that he negotiated in two months. But You, Lord, destroy the cunning of the enemy! May 8. I was tempted by partiality, contempt, pride, hostility towards the poor, who do not have a specific occupation in Kronstadt and often approach the Chalice of Communion arbitrarily, without asking me. I repent of this in the depths of my soul, for I have angered my Lord with partiality and the devil’s hostility, and I don’t want to do this in the future. Forgive me, Lord! I seal my repentance with this inscription. September 13, 1904 This morning, at four o’clock, in a dream, as if in reality, I seemed to find myself in Yasnaya Polyana; Some relative of Count Tolstoy comes to me from Count Tolstoy and says: “Count Tolstoy is very sick and calls you to pray.” I ask in surprise: “Really? I'm going now." And I think: how will I meet him and what will I say? However, I think God will teach me what to say; I trust in Him, the Source of wisdom. And he began to gather towards him. But it’s a pity that I woke up... What does this mean? [May 17] I thank the Lord, who yesterday (May 16) listened to my secret prayer during the service of the Liturgy and gave me, instead of cramped space, space and peace of heart with service to the deceased and touched. I thank the Lord, who pacified my heart, embarrassed by the slander of the scribblers of the St. Petersburg List. Glory, Lord, to Your everlasting obedience to my prayers. But hear my prayers for the granting of complete victory to the Russian army, sea and land. Let me not boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ: to whom the world was crucified, and to the world (Gal.6:14). Am I crucified to the world? May 20. Setting off from my Ivanovo women's monastery on the Nikolaev railway car, I was greatly tempted by beggar boys (nine or ten years old) who relentlessly pursued my carriage and asked for a handout. I became angry and embittered with them for the second request (they were given a ruble each, although not all of them), and the grace of God left me, I fell into intense sorrow and tightness of heart when inflamed by hellish anger and with difficulty begged the Lord to forgive me the sin of hostility, hard-heartedness, stinginess and love of money, and only in the carriage, with persistent secret prayer of repentance, was I granted the forgiveness of my sins and peace and spaciousness of heart. Do not allow, God, in the future to reach such a state of mind and teach me to always feel sorry for the poor and have compassion for them, for my hand has not yet become weak from alms. Today is May 25th. By the grace of God I cast out demons from a woman who had suffered from them for eighteen years. Lord, I thank You for Your mercy and power, revealed in driving away demons from Your servant, the peasant woman of the Yaroslavl province. [1904] I caused serious moral harm to myself on May 2 (Sunday) by unnecessarily eating scrambled eggs with black bread and very little fresh burbot fish soup; There was a heavy heart and emptiness all night, and I could not sleep peacefully. The grace of God abandoned me, a sinner, for gluttony and greed. Never have dinner again. How easy it is for the soul when the stomach is empty. At 12 o'clock at night (on May 23rd). I thank the Lord, who heard my secret prayer and showed me great and rich mercy, and delivered my fallen soul from aphids. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the Liturgy of the Faithful from the embarrassment and oppression that arose in my soul at the sight of smoke from the wind-blown candles on the throne, which seemed to smoke the miter on me (I regretted it, so that it would not become sooty - vanity and vanity at such moments!). But the Lord sent His truth and His grace into my heart, and I overcame the dream of the enemy, who troubled me with his passion for decay and dust. Having calmed down, I performed the service without stumbling and said a good word to the believers who were standing in the church about the celebration of Easter, about the evidence of the resurrection of the dead from nature, which in winter becomes numb and dead, but in summer comes to life, strengthens and smells fragrant. Another time, the Lord delivered me from great embarrassment, sorrow and distress that befell me when I was informed of a large sum given to one person for accompanying me, which I valued much less, and I lost interest in him. But, having weighed in my thoughts the amounts that I receive for free from others at different times, and the amount that my companion demanded from my loved ones and which I will not pay, I was calmed by the grace of God and turned my hostility into affection for him. But in the evening, at about eleven o’clock, the disembodied enemy attacked me even more powerfully through the same thought, through the same addiction to money - I fought with the enemy for a long time and finally, in the name of the Lord, I defeated his dream and evil machinations and calmed down. I thank the Lord, the Conqueror of hell, for all His spiritual and material blessings, I thank You, Most Generous Master! Confirm in me this, which you have done, O Master, and reign in me. I hear, elder of the Gethsemane monastery, that near the Sergius Lavra, Father Barnabas spoke unkindly about me. What did I do to him? We need to pray that the Lord will reconcile our hearts. Today the wife of my former secretary came to see me and said a lot of insolent things to me. And this is because I supported her husband in every possible way and took care of [their] family. Frankly, I couldn’t stand it and sharply asked her to leave my house. May 28 [1905] Saturday at Ascension. I spent the night peacefully, only feeling a slight chill in my back. I put on a warm cassock. In the morning I woke up healthy. But there was great despondency in my soul and body, and I prayed rather lazily. Arriving at church, I felt sleepy despondency and an involuntary hostility towards those I met along the way and in the church. I secretly prayed to God for my change of heart, for the gift of meekness, humility, love and cordial disposition towards everyone, and the Lord wonderfully changed my state of mind, giving me peace and gentleness, and completely changed my inner world for the better. I calmly and solemnly read the canon and then celebrated the Liturgy. In the middle of it, the enemy tried to shake my peace with the passion of my heart for the shiny decay (mitre) - I regretted that it would not smoke (from the burning candles and censer) - and with the tightness and powerlessness of my heart, but having risen by faith, secret prayer and warm repentance, I overcame the enemy's influx and calmed down. Oh, how cunning, subtle and vigilant the enemy is, and how great are our stupid passions! Then, with emotion and tears, I celebrated the Liturgy and delivered the sermon boldly, strongly and heartily. May 30 [1905]. Monday before Trinity Sunday. I thank the Lord, who accepted my deep secret repentance and had mercy on me, and gave me the grace of peace and renewal, truth and holiness. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him in truth. I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance in judgmental and harsh words about the Russian Government, which allowed the Japanese war to occur through its wrong actions; sorrow and oppression left me, and the peace of God reigned in my heart with spaciousness of soul. Glory to Thee, my All-merciful and All-merciful Savior. I sinned before God by being very angry with E.M., who committed a great mistake against me and everyone on the ship: she made herself wait a long time and in vain when she should have been in a hurry. I became very angry. Lord, teach me kindness, quietness, patient waiting and long-suffering. Change my heart with a change of forgiveness, kindness, meekness, gentleness. I expect forgiveness from You; grant me to forgive the culprit myself. Wake up! On the 15th I served in ... the cathedral with grace, with tears; at the liturgy of the faithful, the disembodied enemy severely tore my heart away from the love of God and from the consciousness of my spiritual poverty with an addiction to vanity - to the miter, so as not to smoke it with incense smoke; I got rid of this madness with difficulty only through a secret prayer of repentance. What a stupid heart! What a ridiculous addiction! And how many mitres I have - up to twenty! And I'm already an old man! Who will get them after death? Should I wear them out? Are you chasing tinsel? Is it behind the lovely, disappearing beauty? Behind the bonds or shackles that bind your soul and cool it towards God, and deprive it of communication with Him, as unworthy? The holy Apostle John the Theologian perfectly described all the charm of our flesh and the sinful world: ... everything in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the self, and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but is of this world. And the world passes away, and so does its lust: but he who does the will of God abides forever (1 John 2:16:17). From pride and vanity comes the desire to dress magnificently and beautifully, so despise external splendor; shine secretly, inside – in spirit. May 2. Kill in me, Lord, every carnal sinful desire that defiles me and separates me from You, the Source of life and holiness. Wake up! Lord, my sinful soul aches with corruption. Deliver me from aphids by Your Holy Spirit. I see rafts made of many trees, and my heart sank: why, I think, are they destroying forests and denuding the land, while the rich make enormous capital and poorly, meagerly pay the work of common people and peasants. In Arkhangelsk, timber merchants prepared mountains of logs and planks for sale to the British. But what does it matter to you that forests are traded and timber merchants are enriched? Don’t you feel sorry that the meadows are mowed, the hay is harvested, the fields are reaped, and the grain is put into the granaries? Don’t you feel sorry that the radiant sun shines and illuminates and revives the whole earth? Think above, O man, and not on earth. Oh, how cunning is the incorporeal enemy, who wounds the heart with an addiction to the corruptible things of the visible world - the heart, which should be the church of God. One day I was left without God's service and felt in myself the impoverishment of spiritual life, the impoverishment of grace, the presence of sinful power; a considerable struggle was needed against sinful intensifying attractions. The Service and Communion of the Holy Mysteries renewed my being, and I arose as if from a dream. God bless! ... Unless you have eaten the Flesh of the Son of Man and drunk His Blood, you have not life within you (John 6:53). The word of my Lord and God is true. Morning of June 19. Restless dreams troubled me throughout the night. The heart is restless, cold, filled with devilish confusion and depressed by cramped conditions. Is it because I ate small cod and thus broke my fast, and had not yet prayed fervently for the night: secretly, without bowing, I performed the rule before communion. Lord, have mercy. Yesterday (June 18), on a fast day, I allowed myself, contrary to church regulations, under the pretext of physical weakness, to feast on humble food and eat more fresh cod than I needed, and thereby gave great indulgence to my flesh. And she punished me by the fact that I slept badly all night, with heavy dreams, with coldness and sorrow of heart, with an obvious abandonment of the grace of God, with abnormal digestion, with weakness throughout my body, with quietness in pronouncing words during worship in a rural church (there were a lot of people). But the communion of the Holy Mysteries revived and consoled me. God bless! Caution is needed in everything after a former illness and in old age. June 22. Ekaterinburg. On the night of this date, while traveling along the railway, the enemy of the human race and mine presented amazing hellish phantasmagoria to my spiritual gaze. (While I’m fasting, I see everywhere on the streets a lot of people dressed up in the most bizarre masks and costumes, roaming the streets with wild laughter, or [I see] as if I had come to serve in the Kazan Cathedral, I ask the priest to serve with him, I want to put on a vesture, but my hands won’t fit into the sleeves - the sleeves are sewn up and don’t let my hands through, and there is no other vestry, [I] was forced [to] wait and did not wait, and mass was celebrated without me: annoying and insulting!) So, the enemy inflicts all sorts of ridicule on me in my dreams; There were many other ghosts, but I don’t remember. July 22. He served the liturgy in Yekaterinburg, in the convent of Mary Magdalene 38, with ten priests and five deacons. The Lord gave abundant tears of tenderness. During communion of the Holy Mysteries, the disembodied enemy stopped me for a minute, resisting the Truth of God through the weakness of my heart, but grace, with my effort, dispelled the enemy’s mirage, and I calmed down, was renewed, rejoiced and delivered a short sermon on the topic “In My Father’s house are many abodes.” He said it meaningfully and smoothly in the presence of His Eminence Vladimir. He is a man of God: intelligent, observant, firm in truth, modest, meek, handsome. Lord, grant me the grace not to cling to the things of this world (lost my comb). The leader of our army A.N. Kuropatkin 39 left all the icons presented to him in captivity of the pagan Japanese, while he seized all worldly things. What is the attitude towards faith and church shrines! For this reason, the Lord does not bless our weapons, and our enemies defeat us. For this reason we became the laughing stock of all our enemies. I sinned before You, Lord, who searches hearts and wombs, I envied the author of the work “The Beginning and the End of the Visible World” 40 that he, a secular man, was more knowledgeable in theology than I, an academician and a priest, and composed his work wisely, thoughtfully, simply! July 26. For five days (20–24) I was away from the ship “St. Nikolay,” [following] the railway from Kotlas to Yekaterinburg. I thank the Lord for the whole journey and for everything that I experienced in the city of Yekaterinburg, for all the love of the population for me, for all the warm affection that I saw for three days. At the end of the return journey, the Lord quickly and powerfully delivered me from the secret temptation regarding the memory of the evil attitude towards me (ten years ago) of the bishop, now Archbishop A. 41, in the world of Alexei Dobradin, who was a student at the St. Petersburg Academy in 1851-1852 and 53. I sincerely condemned myself in hostility and asked the Lord to change my feelings towards him to friendly and benevolent ones, which the Lord gave. Another similar feeling of hostility and suspicion was towards the head of the Sura convent, nun Porfiria, 42 and for repentance the Lord changed my hostile feelings towards her into friendly, gracious and benevolent ones, and I calmed down. (Morning, 2 am). My flaw. Testing me by the holy Guardian Angel. I slept during the day on the steamer "St. Nikolai" at four o'clock. Dream. It’s as if I’m at school, in a seminary, as a student, along with the boys, whom the teacher asks for a lesson; the teacher seems to be Mikhail Ivanovich Sibirtsev or Mikhail P. Deploransky 43. I am faulty and I am afraid that I will be called to account; and I think it won’t, but then I think, well, it will! It's awkward, it's causing. I’m embarrassed and think: what will he ask? Suddenly he asks me to serve a memorial service. I ask: “Who should I pray for?” He answers: “For John Tsvetkov,” and he (a fellow Academy member and priest) archpriest was in Kronstadt. But due to demonic embarrassment, I do not know how to firmly pray for the dead. I pray and timidly, the devil confuses me and takes words from my heart, somehow I uttered a litany and even a prayer: “God of spirits and all flesh...” I finished, I saw how the examiner liked my litany. I see that I am not entirely satisfied, and I am not satisfied. And how can it be, when the damned one confuses and steals words and I cannot cope with him and with myself. Woke up. But in fact, we need to pray for Father Tsvetkov and Mikhail Deploransky. Tsvetkov lived poorly, drank beer and did something else. Forgive him, Lord! June 28 [1905]. Tuesday. He served the liturgy together with Father Theophan without a deacon; he was in place of the deacon and for the second priest. I read the canons: touching, repentant, to the Forerunner and the unmercenary Cyrus and John. I thank the Lord for the gift of the liturgy and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries; He also gave communion to the employees on the ship. Lord, I also strongly gravitate towards the land, I am also jealous of the Arkhangelsk timber merchants, who are crafty and quickly enrich themselves at the expense of the poor Russian people, mainly Germans, Jews and partly Russians (Nikolai Osipovich Sharvin). The latter is especially rich: he has forgotten God, the Church, and the poor. Judge them, O Righteous God! Lord, I thank You for everything, including weaknesses and illnesses. I thank You that they are bearable and tolerable. June 9, 1907 Until now I have not yet learned to hate sin, I still sympathize with sin in myself or in others, although I will soon come to my senses and condemn myself and recognize the absurdity and opposition of its commandment of God and my true good. I am a damned man, who will deliver me from this body of death? The disembodied enemy, nesting inside us, in our hearts, constantly tries to ridicule, mentally desecrate the natural necessary members created by the Creator for natural functions, and even holy faces and objects worthy of all respect, and it is impossible to describe what stories he makes over them in dreams, what chimeras he builds. I remember the demonic boasts of Ignatius Brianchaninov: “Our time, our years” 44. Yes, your time and area of ​​darkness (Mark 7:21:22)! Both in reality and in dreams, the enemy flatters and fights souls and my soul with countless sinful dreams. God! Help me overcome it. In the Future Life such sins will not come to mind and their memory will perish, but then there will be only truth and holiness, peace and endless bliss. June 13. Every hour and minute I must pay attention to myself so as not to give free rein to the wild donkey - my old man - to fulfill his donkey’s destructive will and expose me to the countless dangers of sin and violate the righteous and blessed will of my God. I curse this worldly, incomparable carnal passion and want with all my heart to hate it and not dream about it, and to revere the law of childbearing and the gates of life, which I entered by the grace of God. Lord, I curse everything voluptuous, senseless and destructive and I don’t want to fulfill it. But I am a sinner before the Lord, making a concession to the flesh, for which I reproach myself. An old, senseless, passionate person is tempted by everything and is embarrassed by everything, even by all holy things he is tempted by his own body. How one must constantly despise one’s old man, not follow him, crucify him, in the apt expression of the church song: “... and you taught in deed to despise the flesh, for it passes away...” (troparion to the venerable one). God! Forgive me my voluptuousness: I regretted the honey prepared for me to drink, which I drank on the journey with me. (24 June 1907) June 25. What misfortunes and ridicule the enemy exposes me to in my sleep, what strange, absurd dreams he inspires - it is impossible to express! Damn villain! But the reasons for such enemy dreams are in me, multi-passionate. Have mercy on me, O God, in Your great mercy. June 27, 1907 Well, he’s an enemy of the human race. He is cunning at making up inventions and daydreaming during my sleep! Sometimes with popes and cardinals he introduces me into friendly communication, certainly kind, ingratiating - on my part and theirs, then with royal officials of various ranks and on a date with the king, as if demanding material sacrifices from me, and I sacrifice sparingly, reluctantly, referring to my monasteries, which require material benefits. Lord, place my heart in the memory of the former Metropolitan Isidore, 45 who always received me sternly and proudly, and, however, did not deprive me of earthly rewards and vain glory - crosses and orders. June 23, 1907 When will there be an end to my multi-passionate, senseless, lustful flesh, accustomed to every sin from my youth? When will I curse and completely despise her, accursed, ungodly, deceitful, flattering, destructive? After all, she, the accursed one, distracts me from the love of God and forces me not to care about the immortal soul, which is created in the image of God. What nonsense! What madness! What skills! Lord, have mercy! Should I be jealous, enriched by God with all the gifts of Heaven and earth, a daily communicant of the Divine Mysteries, who has Eternal Life in the promise, who has created monasteries for the glory of God, a magnificent church in his homeland, a parochial school, who has received as an inheritance for the monasteries a lot of land with forests and all sorts of lands, who has a monastic compound in the city of Arkhangelsk 46, who has received from God good fame and great Everywhere the affection of ordinary Russian believers towards me, who has wealth, all food and clothing, both sacred and secular? The main thing is that I possess an Inexhaustible Source - God, Who gave Himself to me as an inalienable inheritance. So, Lord, have mercy on me, Your servant! And do not let me be jealous of those who are evil and do iniquity, for like grass they will soon dry up and, like a herb, they will soon fall away. May I look to Heaven and the blessings prepared for me. Lord, turn away my eyes from seeing vanity (Ps. 119:37)! Lord, I thank You, for You have changed my soul with a grace-filled change, giving me peace and space of heart with the righteousness of my spirit. 29th. Morning. Every night evil demons feed me with contempt and ridicule. Under the guise of teachers of secondary and higher educational institutions, the director and the college of teachers, they laughed at my books, beautiful, spiritual, which I asked to give a place in the library. Cleverly. And then, when I left them in disgrace, one of them joked, saying that he had written down my words. I believed and thanked for the honor. All this seems to be real. I sinned: in the evening I drank tea one more time and ate loose sugar buns. There was no need. I am a slave of the womb and a slave of the multi-passionate flesh! How long will you remain in the bonds of corruption? How long will you not ascend to incorruptibility, to Heaven, to the eternal, imperishable? Meanwhile, you receive Holy Communion almost daily! In the city of Kirillov, we stopped at the Leushinskoye courtyard to Abbess Taisiya for about ten minutes, and from there to the estate of the Kirillov merchant Grigory Aleksandrovich Valkov and his wife Elena Alekseevna; Having treated ourselves to dinner, we went from there to the Ferapont monastery, where I will spend the night and serve the liturgy tomorrow. Upon entering Valkov’s estate, envy arose in my old man of the cheaply purchased estate and Valkov’s well-being. My heart sank and lost its grace. I then secretly repented to the Lord with all my soul, and the Lord had mercy on me, forgave me, took away sin, pacified my soul, and gave it space and boldness. Glory to the Lord, quick to obey and gracious! July 19, 7 a.m. morning. In a night dream, the enemy mocks and treacherously deceives me in every way. I need to pray harder at night and ask the Lord to send me a holy angel so that he will surround me with holy views and holy, pure, edifying dreams. You need constant attention to yourself and keeping your mind and heart away from vain thoughts and sinful, worldly and passionate feelings, and filling your soul with holy thoughts and feelings, pure, divine images. The tree is true, the tree is pure, the tree is most pure, the tree is worthy of praise, the tree is lovely... Think about this, and the God of love and peace will be with you... July 2. Position of the robe and honorable belt of the Blessed Virgin Mary. He served in the city of Cherepovets in the Leushinskaya church. At Matins I read the canons (two) with enthusiasm; The liturgy was served reverently. The enemy intensified to occupy the soul with worldly addictions, but through grace, called upon in secret, I prevailed. He served with emotion and tears, and received life-giving communion. There are many infant communicants, not very many lay people, about forty people. In the end, he became momentarily irritated by the inability of the mothers—peasant and bourgeois women—to bring up the children and by the stubbornness of the babies. The grace of the world has left me; Hellfire entered, confusion, sorrow and oppression took possession of me. I immediately condemned myself, called on the immeasurable goodness of God to have mercy on me and change my heart for the good. The Lord accepted the prayer and had mercy. Thank the Lord! July 3, 1905 Sunday. He performed the liturgy in the Leushinsky Cathedral in the co-service of Father Archimandrite Ignatius (vicar of the Patriarch of Antioch), local priests Claudius and Nicholas and two deacons Alexander and John. I read in advance: the canons of the Holy Trinity, the Sunday, the Cross and the Theotokos, the Sunday and sedal antiphons, the stichera on the praises, the stichera on the saints, the martyr Jacinthos and the canon of St. Philip with the stichera on the praises. He celebrated Mass with grace and tenderness; He defeated the temptations of the evil enemy at Matins and Liturgy by the grace of Christ; spoke a word about a believing centurion who asked the Lord to heal his servant; spoke about the power of faith, about the unbelievers of our Russians, about the expulsion of the unfaithful sons of the Kingdom, or the Church, about the unbelieving intelligentsia, about Tolstoy and his followers, about the corruption of Russian morals, about unbelief and falling away from God's Church, worship and [about] unbelief in the Gospel. While giving communion to the people, he sinned with partiality, hostility and pickiness towards the women who had recently arrived in Leushino, doing nothing but just prowling around the world with an untrustworthy, unseemly appearance. I sinned and deeply repented of this guilt and prayed strongly to the Lord to forgive me these sins and change my heart with a kind change, change it to love, fearlessness, kindness, impartiality - and the Lord performed in me the miracle of the resurrection of my soul from the dead, for it was killed by the sinful feeling of malice and partiality. I thank the Lord, the All-Bountiful Giver of Life. July 4 [1905]. Monday. I thank the Lord for Matins and the Liturgy, for its peaceful and heartfelt service, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and deliverance from the sorrow and distress that befell me for showing partiality to the Kronstadt wanderers who came to the Communion of the Holy Mysteries without permission. Lord, cleanse my soul from all filthiness of flesh and spirit. Amen. Lord, grant me to have You alone in my heart. You are the Source of all blessings. You are the Source of life, light, peace, joy, strength! The more you keep yourself in bed in the morning or during the day, the colder your heart becomes towards God and prayer, towards spiritual life; the same thing happens when a person eats and drinks with pleasure that is more than proper. The flesh must always be kept in check, in obedience to the spirit. God! Preserve our steam ship through the intercession of St. Nicholas - the Saint, whose name it bears on itself, throughout its voyage and in all waters. Amen. Wake up! Grant me to keep all Your commandments. July 6. 1 p.m. Today, at the great entrance during the liturgy, he was subjected to a strong attack from evil spirits because of the St. Petersburg woman Natalia, who was standing in an inappropriate place: for a moment he became embittered towards her, and through this he was exposed to the influence of the evil one, lost peace of mind, space, boldness, was embarrassed and subjected to cramped conditions and fire, and only through diligent secret repentance did he regain the mercy of God and the infusion of grace into my heart. Science - do not be offended by anyone, do not despise anyone, always love everyone in Christ. 8 o'clock evenings. We boarded the ship "Vladimir". I thank the Lord, who quickly answered my secret prayer of repentance in my grief over the hostility of Hieromonk V. and Priest Z., who slandered me in the newspaper “St. Petersburg Listok”. I prayed for them. Correct, Lord, my faulty heart and grant me unfeigned love that never falls away; give me the strength not to neglect a single person, not to despise anyone, not to have hostility towards anyone, not towards those loitering and wandering after me from end to end, such as some women and men who consider me to be someone great and pursue me on ships. Teach everyone to respect, not to offend anyone with hostility, enmity, or any feelings. On Tuesday 12th [July 1905], he served matins and liturgy in the home church of Yakov Mikhailovich Pozdeev, read the canons to the martyrs Proclus and Hilary and the Monk Mikhail Malein. I celebrated mass with tenderness, but at Kherubimskaya the enemy almost deposed me, embarrassing me with grave displeasure at the singers - the nuns of the Leushinsky monastery, who sang the Lvov adaptation of “Izhe Kherubim”, which I really did not like. I repented secretly and begged the Lord to have mercy and pacify me, a sinner, wayward, capricious. The Lord forgave and pacified. He spoke the word about wheat and tares freely, clearly, convincingly. At the end, he spoke about the condescension of the Lord, who gave us His Most Pure Body in the guise of wheat bread and His Blood in the guise and taste of red grape wine. Following the Mologa River on the steamer "Vladimir" and on horseback to Ustyuzhna, I was struck by a pleasant surprise and touched to the point of tenderness by the ardent faith of citizens and ordinary people of both sexes of all ages towards me, a sinner, who asked for my blessing. This sight was especially touching during my return journey on horseback late in the evening, [almost] at night. On this late return I was met by adults and children, boys and especially girls and maidens, who had been waiting for me from morning until night. What ardent faith! What tears! What trust in me is childlike, ardent! I wanted to cry myself. The girls asked me to pray to God for them to study well and successfully. Help them, Lord! It was You who placed their hearts, childish, simple, towards me, the unworthy! July 14 [1905]. Thursday. In the morning, at half past nine, he arrived in St. Petersburg at the Ivanovo convent and served the liturgy [there], preceded by the reading of stichera and canons from the Menaion, and partly from the Octoechos. He gave communion to all the nuns. Renewed in spirit and body. Some wandering girls and thin women are chasing me from city to city. They, I heard, recognize me as Christ, and I sometimes did not allow them to approach the Holy Chalice of the Body and Blood of Christ. We need to try them. They do nothing and just move from place to place: where I am, there they are. Lord, enlighten them and save them! Temptation when traveling in a carriage on the Tsarsky steamship. Beggars were chasing the carriage. He gave fifty kopecks to others, and twenty kopecks twice to one boy. He neglected them, left them on the road and, wanting to get a ruble, chased me for a long time; I got angry and shouted: “Go away.” And my heart was deprived of space, peace and grace; I felt sad and heartbroken. I began to repent to God and pray for forgiveness of my sins of bitterness, addiction to money and hard-heartedness towards the poor. He repented fervently, and the Lord finally forgave and gave peace and boldness. My sin, for which I repented. When the novices of the monastery and lay people approached the communion of the Holy Mysteries, between the latter I noticed some poor women and middle-aged girls, living idle, running from city to city, visiting the churches where I serve, and receiving communion without confession or demand. I condemned them in my soul and neglected [them]. August 7 [1905], evening, Sunday. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heeded my secret prayer of repentance for forgiveness of the sin of hostility towards some adult youths who ran after my carriage in order to force alms (I gave to some earlier). I secretly repented that I had despised the essence of the Law, the main commandment of love, humility and non-covetousness and acted contrary to it; I prayed to the Lord to console my heart with a change of forgiveness, justification, peace, freedom, non-covetousness, simplicity and gentleness. August 27, 10 pm. I thank the Lord, who soon heard my secret prayer of repentance on the ship in the cabin after my grief at Vera Pertsova for offering me Professor Fedorov. What a wonderful transformation the Lord performed inside me, in my heart, in my soul, inflamed with anger! How the passionate fire turned into cool dew with His grace! Oh, how saving is our faith! What a powerful all-revealing key to the heart of God, to the treasury of His grace and bounties of all kinds! What a connection between man and God! Thank You, Lord, Savior of sinners! Save everyone like me, a great sinner, You always save in every place. My heart is proud, greedy, greedy, envious, selfish, lazy for prayer and all good things. Lord, take away from me envy of the author of the book “The Beginning and the End of the Visible World” and grant me the grace to rejoice in him and thank You, Lord, Source of reason and wisdom. Lord, You have given me everything, filled me with mercy and generosity - and I thank You! Give me Yourself as a property, but I don’t desire anything but You, I don’t seek or want, I don’t thirst, I don’t envy anyone. What do you not have to envy someone - a rich and noble person? You have everything by the grace of God: health, wealth, good glory, and, what is most precious, a living and contemplative faith, active, sanctifying, strengthening the soul and body, cleansing sins, uniting with God, giving firm hope in God. And you envy the rich man who is successful in his affairs, who is selfish, unmerciful, hard-hearted, who collects for himself, and not who grows rich for God! Repent, condemn, expose yourself and henceforth do not be mad, but reasonable. Consider everything earthly as rubbish. How miraculously the Holy Mysteries - the Body and Blood of Christ - change for the better, renewing and strengthening my soul and body! I am amazed at the Goodness and mercy of God, and the Wisdom of God, the omnipotence of God and the Truth of God, the condescension and Look of God. Glory to Thee, Lord, glory to Thee! June 2 [1905], Thursday. ...Just say the word, and my servant will be healed... (Matthew 8:8). What a simple and firm faith of the centurion! The Lord Himself praised her. Lord, command me to tell You: “If there is not enough water in the Pinega River, then You just say the word, and it will be filled with water, and my ship, the steamer “Nikolai” will freely pass along it to my homeland, Sura, and back. Amen". ...Young man! I'm telling you, get up! The dead man got up, sat down and began to speak; and Jesus gave him to his mother (Luke 7:14:15). What power of God! One word of command, and mortal stupor ceases, and the returning soul again revives the dead body. Wonderful are Your works, O Lord! Lord, You also raised me, almost dead in my serious illness, and gave me life again. Thank You, All-Merciful! In immeasurable abundance, compared to all the rich people of this world, the mercy of God has endowed me with spiritual and material blessings. She clothed me with the rank of priesthood, unceasing deification, the power to open and close Heaven for people and all sorts of earthly blessings. By the grace of God, I constantly feel the power and life-giving power of repentance. Without number, I have offered the Lord my God the forgiveness of countless sins all the days of my life for seventy years now, not counting the sins of children up to the age of seven due to their irresponsibility. November 15, 1904 Monday. Today I raised a secret prayer to the Lord of Heaven and earth to grant us a large plot of land near my Padansky monastery 47 for eternal possession, as necessary for the monastery in many respects. He offered the same prayer to the Lady Theotokos, as the ruler of all creatures, as the Mother of the Creator. I hope and have no doubt. Amen. I prayed to the Lord in the simplicity of faith to send rain and abundant water in the Pinega River for an unhindered journey to Sura and back, and I trust in the usual hasty obedience of the Lord that he will provide sufficient water. Half past 12 at night. I prayed about it at 10 o'clock. evenings. I thank the Lord, who lifted us off the shoal with the joint efforts of the team, wandering in the water and using banners to move the steamer from its place. They fought for half an hour, and during this time I prayed to the Lord. Glory to Thee, Lord! God delivered me from anger and irritation with the commander, I thank the Lord for this! A letter from Father John to his spiritual son Philip Pavlovich Ivanov, written on the way. (This servant of God Ivanov later labored in the Sarov desert. - Note by author.) “My heartfelt greetings and blessing from the Lord for your living faith, piety and commitment to the church of God and communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. I inform you about my journey to my homeland. We've already been on the road for eleven days and still haven't reached our homeland! Only in two days I will be there, by God's grace. This, however, does not mean that my path is unsuccessful; no, he is quite successful and at peace, but the fact is that the path is very, very long, and I am not in a hurry, but stay in other places for three days or one day at a time, at the request of my good friends, and serve the liturgy. Throughout our journey it was cold and there were rains, which is why the water in the rivers rose high everywhere - and this is to our well-being. We hope to go by steamer to the very homeland of my Sura. Did your father Pavel Ivanovich take over the contract and do you work together? Work for the glory of God and for the well-being and contentment of your family. I pray for you and especially remember your zeal for me. I thank the Lord, who consoles me through you, good people. I bow to your mother and send her a blessing with her children. Ekaterina and Semyon and the others are all healthy and bow to you earnestly. We will be at home, God willing, on June 3. See you soon. May God bless Russia, St. Petersburg, your Okhta and all towns and villages. Your prayer book - Archpriest John Sergiev Northern Dvina Steamship "St. Nicholas the Wonderworker" God! Infinitely, immeasurably, I lend You for every breath of air You poured out for our existence, every sip of drink and every crust of bread, every tree and bush fruit or other endless fruits of the earth, every good, pure, holy thought, elevating from earth to Heaven, every good feeling, every good deed, and for everything, for everything I thank You, Your indecent servant! In the handwritten diaries of Father John, scattered in the notebooks that survived after him, you can find many more small notes about the weather, trips, different persons and random circumstances. Having in our hands almost all of the indicated notebooks, we, unfortunately, did not rewrite everything that was not included in the press, but what is given here is enough to fully characterize the great shepherd. His spirit is very much imprinted in the written monuments he left behind. If you begin to read them, then, following the example of the glorious lamp of the Church, you yourself will have faith in the Lord, you will fall in love with moral purity, you will feel the freshness and vigor of your spiritual strength - in a word, you will begin to experience that lofty, holy, divine thing that the ever-memorable Father sought all his life. Moreover, if you go to St. Petersburg to the Ioannovsky Monastery to his tomb, where he continues to call for what he lived for - prayer, repentance and communion of the Holy Life-giving Mysteries of Christ, then you yourself will be inspired by all this, as if you really came face to face with the never-dying spirit of Father John. May your memory be eternal, our great Russian shepherd. Compare: Irmos of the 4th song of the Easter canon. Unshakable, calm. – Ed. Probably, the house bishop's church of the Savior Not Made by Hands on Nikolskaya Street in the Moscow Epiphany Monastery, whose manager was Bishop Tryphon (Turkestan), was broken in the 20s of the 20th century. Community of Sisters of Mercy “Quench My Sorrows”, founded in 1898 by Princess N.B. Shakhovskaya, was located in Lefortovo opposite the Church of the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul. The Iverskaya community was founded in 1894 and was located on Bolshaya Polyanka. The Boyevskaya almshouse, built in 1894 with donations from the Moscow merchant N.I. Boeva, was on Stromynka. The destroyed Church of the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary at Zhitny Dvor in the Kremlin, where the miraculous icon of Unexpected Joy was located. Assumption monastery of the St. Petersburg Ioannovsky Convent in the village of Vaulovo, established in 1903. Probably Mikhail Petrov, recognized by the Johannites as Saint Archangel Michael. A living ear of grain from the spiritual field. John of Kronstadt. Pg., 1918. S. 2–3. A living ear of grain from the spiritual field. John of Kronstadt. Pg., 1918. P. 9. Thoughts on the divine service of the Orthodox Church by Archpriest John Sergiev (Kronstadt). M., 1894. P. 20. The Basilisk-Chrysostom Monastery was located twelve miles from the city of Sukhumi, on the site of the ancient city of Komana, where St. John Chrysostom reposed in 407. From death to life. St. Petersburg 1904. P. 36. Contemplative asceticism. St. Petersburg, 1907. P. 88. The courtyard of the Vorontsov Annunciation Monastery was located in St. Petersburg on Ochakovskaya Street. – Ed. Archimandrite Kirill (Naumov), later Bishop of Melitopol (†1866). Bishop of Vinnitsa Macarius (Bulgakov), later Metropolitan of Moscow (†1882). Archimandrite John (Sokolov), later Bishop of Smolensk (†1869). Probably in the Novotikhvinsky convent in Yekaterinburg; This monastery owned the Bulzinsky farm; there was a church with a chapel in the name of St. Mary Magdalene, Equal-to-the-Apostles. – Ed. General A.N. Kuropatkin (1848–1925) commanded troops in Manchuria during the Russo-Japanese War. – Ed. Perhaps we are talking about the book: The beginning and end of our earthly world. Experience of revealing the prophecies of the Apocalypse. Part I. St. Petersburg, 1900; Part II. St. Petersburg, 1901. – Ed. Probably Voronezh Archbishop Anastasy (| 1913), who studied at the St. Petersburg Theological Academy in 1849–1853. – Ed. Headmistress, since July 19, 1905 - abbess of the St. John the Theologian convent in the village of Sura, Arkhangelsk province. – Ed. Priest of the church of the technical maritime school in Kronstadt (| 1864). – Ed. The memory is inspired by an event described in the 3rd volume of the Works of St. Ignatius (Brianchaninov). The coachman Fyodor Kazakin, who was burning coals in the forest, saw demons sitting in the trees three times, playing various musical instruments, triumphant and chanting disorderly: “Our years! Our will! (SPb., 1905. P. 252). Ed. St. Petersburg Metropolitan Isidore (Nikolsky; + 1892). – Ed. This refers to the courtyard of the Sursky St. John the Theological Convent. – Ed. The Padansky Vvedensky convent of the Olonets diocese was founded in 1900. – Ed.