To the words of Jeremiah: “Woe to us, for we have sinned”

Two bitter memories, leading to fear and horror, constantly fill all my thoughts and keep me in trembling. Two terrible things shock and torment me, make my limbs tremble and force my eyes to shed tears. At the mere memory of them, the soul trembles and, no matter how bitter it is to remember them, it constantly thinks about it. From them, everyone at the end will either rejoice or grieve. As soon as they come to my mind, horror and trembling overwhelm me. Listen, brothers, what are these two things that make me tremble, and you yourself will tremble and shudder, because they are very terrible for everyone. This is the burden of sins that I have collected, and the justice that punishes for them. These are the two things that I said that they constantly occupy and terrify me. The great handwriting of my debts and the Last Judgment of Truth - these are the two things that are constantly in my mind, shocking and terrifying me. I remember the iniquities that I committed through my carelessness, and the punishments that await me, and my members tremble, fear and horror attack me. I remember in my mind how great the burden of my sins is and how terrible the vengeance for them is, and horror settles in my members. I bring to my mind the guilt that lies on me, and the punishment that is prepared for me, and my insides shake, I tremble with grief and fear. Here are two bitter memories, as I said, they occupy me, make me tremble, strike terror into my limbs. These memories arise in me, fill me with horror and confuse me everywhere, truly causing deep sorrow to my heart. My conscience brings them to mind, puts my evil deeds next to me, and my members are filled with trembling. I remember the sins of my youth, the purulent scabs of vice hidden within me - and my eyes shed tears, my insides are filled with sorrow, fear and horror. Every day I remember the crimes of the days of my youth, because what I did in this world is not hidden from my eyes. I remember the sins I committed in my youth, but at the same time I remember justice and call myself unfortunate. In my memory are all my defilements and the Last Judgment awaiting me, and sighing oppresses my spirit, for where can I go? I can’t get my head around what I have sown and what will be reaped. Bringing to mind the day of retribution, I am filled with horror and trembling. I bring to mind the time when everyone will appear at the Judgment, and I am painfully tormented, my knees tremble, where should I run then? I bring to mind the hour when the Bridegroom comes to the wedding feast to see those invited - and tears flow from my eyes. I bring to mind the time when all those clothed in unclean garments will be driven out into darkness - and I call myself truly unfortunate. I remind myself that on that day my deeds will be revealed, and I will stand disgraced before the worlds, and sighs will oppress my spirit. I consider all my secret affairs, I see how vile they are, I know that everything will be discovered, and illness torments my members. I look at the robe of glory that I was clothed with in Baptism, I see how I have stained it with sins, and trembling fills my insides. I look at the majestic beauty with which the Good One adorned me at creation, I see how he disfigured it with sins - and my teeth grind, my jaws tremble. I look at the glory that the righteous will inherit at the end, I bring to mind the terrible fire - and my heart beats tremblingly with fear. I see the horror that will attack sinners there - and fear seizes my limbs, shackles me with trembling, my limbs become numb with horror, and my insides are shaken. My conscience within me constantly reminds me of all this, brethren, and presents my crimes to me in order, and daily makes my life bitter. When I consider all my secret sins, with every sin I exclaim: “Woe is me!” And I bring joy to those who were prematurely ejected from their mother’s womb and have not seen the light of this world. Better is a coffin without sin than daylight in sins. Whoever has committed iniquity here will suffer darkness at the end. What should I do, my beloved? Both here and there I am unhappy: here, due to my iniquities, I suffer from fear, there I will suffer from punishment. When I sinned in my youth, I said in my mind: “When I’m old, I’ll stop sinning.” This is what I imagined in my thoughts: when the body cools from old age, then the storm of sins will subside. And now I see that my will does not leave sins even in old age. Although my flesh has changed, my will has not changed. And in my youth I lived carelessly, and in my old age I live the same way, so one thing awaits me at the end - Judgment. The days of my youth passed burdened with sins, and now the days of old age have come - and they are also burdened with iniquities. I spent my youth in the service of sin, old age has overtaken me, and I walk in the same sins. This is strange, my beloved, the flesh has lost its heat, but my will does not abandon its skills. The flesh became decrepit from old age, it became exhausted, but the will did not. The head became white, but not the heart; the flesh has become worn out, and evil thoughts are constantly renewed. The whiter the hair on the head, the blacker the heart from sins. The weaker the flesh, the stronger the will to do lawless deeds. What my will was in my youth remained the same in my old age. Both my youth and my old age were spent in carelessness. Old age is now followed by the time of death, death by resurrection and the punishing Last Judgment. And if I came to such an end in this world filled with evil, then it would be better for me not to enter into it, because from it comes my misfortune. What need was there for me to enter the world, see all the bad in it and take away the burden from it? Job, having experienced the misfortune of the world, envied the buried monsters and wanted, like them, to be hidden in the earth, so as not to see the evil world (Job 3:16). What good is it to me that I entered this evil world, where there are so many opponents, so many continuous temptations! But there is Holy Scripture, which proclaims to me Judgment and retribution. The lusts of the flesh compel me to sin, but the Scriptures frighten me. What should I do, beloved, when I am between fear and lust? There is no way to avoid the Last Judgment; I also know that my reward will be disaster. Where can I hide from this? I bring this to mind, my brothers, and horror and trembling overwhelm me, suffering and illness torment me, sorrow makes my life painful. Every hour I bring this to mind, examining my innermost impurities, and thousands of bitter lamentations tear my heart. I look at the day of my death, when my evil deeds will cease, but I see a tomb filled with darkness, and I tremble at death. I pray that I can leave here and be freed from my sins by death, but as soon as I remember the day of my death, my knees shake with fear. Both of them worry me, and the third torments me. Everything brings condemnation, sorrow, and disaster upon me. Will I stay here? Sins beckon me to themselves, and I only multiply my guilt. Will I die? They will lie in the grave with me. Will I rise on the last day? I have a direct path to Gehenna. When I consider all this, I prefer the coffin to everything, because it is calmer to be in it than here, in the world, and there, in Gehenna. Great is my sorrow, my brethren, both in this world and in the world to come; here are sins and temptations, there is torment in Gehenna. Here temptations overwhelm me, and the evil one covers me with filth; there I will be tormented by remorse for what I have done in this world. On the Day of Judgment, everyone will be overcome with horror, because on this day everyone will be crushed, except only the one great host of the perfect. Anyone who is lower than them and has not reached the standard of the perfect will be reproached by his conscience - why he is not the same as them. People of every rank who have not reached the level of perfection will grieve over why they have not been compared with those who have reached the heights. And I and those like me will not only lament the loss of the Kingdom, but painfully, with loud lamentations, cry out for deliverance from the fire. For there is a different (different) sorrow for the one who has been deprived of the blessings of the Kingdom, and a different kind for the one who suffers punishment and cries out from the blows. If those who have not come to the measure of perfection will also lament there, what will we do on this day, who must suffer in the fire? How cruel the fire that Scripture speaks of will be, I judge by the fire here, by the torment of its flame. And the fire there will, without a doubt, cause incomparably greater pain to those thrown into him than the fire of this world. I know for sure that the fire of this world is much more painful than the fire of this one; Everyone, without a doubt, should recognize this as the truth and accept it with faith. The local fire, no matter how strong it is, produces light along with the flame; and the fire there consumes, and at the same time it is terrible darkness and night. The local fire consumes as long as it has food, and as soon as there is nothing left for it to devour, it itself is destroyed, goes out and disappears. But the unquenchable fire there does not consume its food; he is commanded not to exterminate, but only to punish and torment. The fire of this world, while it burns, spreads radiance from itself; and that one burns - and from it there is only deep darkness and gnashing of teeth. He eats, devastates, burns in darkness alien to all light and torments without fading, because, as it is written, he is eternal. This, my brothers, I bring to mind and sigh bitterly, for I know that for my secret iniquities only fire awaits me. This terrible definition of the Court is constantly in my memory and I call my life unhappy, because terrible suffering is prepared for me! I also imagine the shame that awaits me there, because my secrets will be revealed before all worlds and creatures. And whoever sees me will look with surprise that I am in such humiliation. They will see me differently there than they imagined me here. Here they think that internally I am the same as I appear on the outside, and not as I really am. And there they will see my blackness, which in this world was hidden inside me, and they will be amazed in bewilderment and surprise at the sight of the purulent scabs hidden in me. My bad deeds, which I have sown here, will appear to them like thorns; My secrets will be revealed, and everyone will marvel at me. As if in the sunlight, they will see there the filth that I carefully concealed within myself. As if in daylight, all my atrocities will become clearly visible. All the guilts that I hid within myself will appear there before the eyes of everyone, and on the Day of Judgment all nations will see them, as if in the clear sun. Everyone will know all my sins there, not a single bad deed of mine - neither big nor small - will be forgotten. There all my guilt and sins will be read and remembered for me, because all my deeds have been noticed and written down in the book. The bad deeds I have done fill me with horror and trembling, and I cry unceasingly, my brethren. For what awaits me in this age? My own conscience assures me that I have done nothing good. And this will be my reward on the Day of Judgment, because I laid up for myself evil treasure. Alas for me, when on the last day all this meets me there - fire, darkness, torment, and great shame in front of everyone! Woe to me there, when the Bridegroom looks with anger at those reclining! Where to run at that time? Where to hide? Woe to me when He commands His servants to bind me hand and foot and remove me from the supper when they see that my clothes are unclean! Woe to me when they separate me from the sheep on the right hand, and put me with the goats on the right hand, and cast me out! Woe to me when I see that the saints receive bliss as an inheritance, but woe is my lot in the flames! Where should I run at this time? Woe to me when I stand afar off in shame and trembling, not daring to lift up my eyes and look at the Judge! Woe to me when the Bridegroom denies me there; He will say that He does not know me; will close the doors on me and throw me into hell! Woe to me when, in my eyes, both sides receive their inheritance and the door of the Kingdom is closed, and everyone accepts his inheritance! Woe to me, when the indispensable determination about me is pronounced, the doors will be closed in front of me, and I will have to remain outside, shedding tears and gnashing my teeth in sorrow. This, my beloved, constantly horrifies and trembles me, as soon as I turn my gaze to my secret sins and begin to consider my deeds. It is this terrible memory of my sins and the Day of Judgment that makes my members tremble and fills my insides with horror. And this is what is incomprehensible, my beloved: although I know all this, it is not hidden from my eyes that I gain for myself, yet I do every evil deed. I know how bitter my reward will be, and I do wicked deeds; I know what good deeds are, but I do what is bad. I read spiritual books, the Scriptures of the Holy Spirit Himself. They tell me about Judgment and punishment, about the palace of light and about the Kingdom; I read, but I don’t do it, I study, but I can’t learn, I’m knowledgeable in books and Scriptures, and I’m very far from fulfilling my duties. I read the Scriptures for others, and not a single saying enters my ear. I instruct and admonish the ignorant, but I gain no benefit for myself. I open the book and while I read, my heart sighs, but as soon as I close it, I forget what is written in the book. As soon as the book disappeared from sight, so soon the teaching contained in it disappeared from memory. What should I do, my beloved, with this world into which I have entered, and with this troublesome body that attracts me to lust? For the Scriptures terrify me with Judgment and reward, and desires compel me to do the works of the flesh. Truly, I am between Judgment and fear, therefore I constantly mourn my life. In justice, I please the mothers expelled from the womb and the infants buried in the earth, who did not enter this disastrous world and did not bear any burden from it. Whoever wants to live righteously in the world, find peace for himself, get rid of struggle and Judgment, constantly fights and suffers attacks. But the flesh doesn’t even want to hear of me struggling here and leading a virtuous life. And as soon as I give myself over to carnal lusts, my reward at the end will be bitter. Therefore, Lord, I flee into Your tabernacles from this evil world, from this evil flesh - the cause of all sins. Therefore I say with the Apostle Paul: “When will I be delivered from this body of death?” (Rom. 7:24). But when such a thought tormented me and a severe illness burned my insides, a new movement occurred in me, dispelling my heartfelt sorrow. Imperceptibly, one comforting thought arose in my mind, gave me good advice and, as if taking me by the hand, led me to hope. A comforting repentance appeared in my spirit (I saw). It seemed to speak into my ear one wonderful promise and, consoling me, said: “If you grieve like a sinner, your sadness is useless. Why should you be sad, sinner? “Yes,” I answered, “sorrow and useless crying burn and torment me, and at the sight of my many sins I fall into hopelessness.” “Listen, sinner,” repentance whispered in my ears, “listen to the saving word, the advice that life will give you. Be attentive, I will show you how you should grieve, and your sorrow will be useful to you, and your crying will become saving for you. Do not fall into despair, do not indulge in complete inactivity, do not grieve inconsolably when you see your guilt, and do not put off caring for your salvation. Your Lord is merciful and kind, He desires to see you at His doors; he rejoices if you repent, he gladly accepts you. All the multitude of your iniquities will not exhaust even a small drop of His mercy, and with His grace He will cleanse the sin that dominates you. The sea of ​​your iniquities will not resist even the small breath of His bounty; the untruths of the whole world will not surpass the sea of ​​His goodness. If you have hitherto walked in sins, then refrain from iniquities, strike His door, and He will not leave you outside. Do not think that your wickedness is too great, that you will not be accepted even if you convert. Let such a thought not stop you in the repentance you have begun. If you see the multitude of your secret sins, this should not make you careless about your salvation, because your Lord can cleanse you and whiten your blackness. If sin has penetrated deeply into you, like paint into waves, then, according to what is written by the prophet (Is. 1:18), the Lord will make you white as snow. Only, sinner, forsake your iniquities, come to contrition for the sins you have committed before, and He will accept you graciously. Put aside your previous filth and come to Him, He will accept you. In this, - said repentance, - I guarantee you, act according to my word, sinner and defiled, and the Good Lord will accept and, like me, embrace you with love. If you, a sinner, cry and lament over your sins, and beg the Lord with faith, He will forgive you your iniquities, and His bounty will pour out on you, because He thirsts and desires your conversion. He loves to see you at His doors, He Who gave Himself up to death and reproach for the wicked and sinners. And what I have said, O sinner, is undoubtedly so. But think at the same time that the torment that awaits those who practice iniquity is grievous and bitter; a terrible unquenchable fire and an undying worm, according to Scripture (Mark 9:44), will torment sinners when the last Judgment is completed. And know this, sinner,” repentance also told me, “that I can no longer bring any benefit to the sinner. Whoever does not listen to me here and does not seek refuge under my wings, I am not able to provide help in another century. There they will not accept my prayer for the sin of the one who did not rush to me and did not run under my wings here. Therefore, for your own benefit, I advise you, sinner: while you are still in this world, come to me and you will live. In your place, I will beg goodness for the forgiveness of your sins, and with my tears I will move her to appease justice. Together with you I will come to goodness - to ask and bow with tears, so that mercy may be sought for your defilements. And I hope in goodness that she will hear my prayer for you, and will go and move justice towards your pardon. Goodness itself will invisibly take you by the hand, sinner, and together with you will approach justice and, begging, will say to him: “Look at this repentant, justice is terrible above all! He was sinful and obscene, but now he repents. Look at the one who, in fear and trembling, ashamed of his former defilements, stands before you and begs you with sighs. Look at his groaning and tears, at the sorrow and illness of his heart, and forgive him all his crimes, if he does not turn to them again. Look at him, because of his heart disease he fell into despair. If he is not restored from his fall, he will perish. Give him your hand, let him hear from you the message of forgiveness, so that he can rise up and strengthen himself in the hope of being accepted when he turns to the merciful Lord.” These words, my beloved, were invisibly written in my spirit after the fear and horror that attacked me because of my sins. And I did well that I brought repentance to Wednesday, which drove away sorrow and carelessness from my weak heart. Through this, my beloved, I showed to all my fellow sinners a means of consolation, of strengthening oneself in hope and of conversion. Blessed is the Good and Merciful One, Who rejoices over us if we repent; He accepts us without reproach and with joy out of His love! Blessed is the Good One, Whose door is open for both the good and the evil, so that they can enter into it, Who, even if they turn to the evil ones, does not close the door of His goodness! Blessed is He who gives everyone the means so that everyone may acquire the inheritance of the Kingdom: the righteous through good deeds, and sinners through repentance! Blessed is He who gave Himself up to death and reproach for sinners, Who endured the shame of the cross in order to give life to sinners! Blessed is He who created us in His mercy and who descended to save us by the Cross and again has to come to resurrect us on the great day of His coming! Grant me, O Good One, according to Your goodness, to behold Your bounty on the Day of Judgment and, together with the righteous, to sing Your praise forever and ever! You might be interested in: