Chapters from the book “I’m not leaving my own people!”

Conversations about. Archpriest John with the abbess of the St. John the Baptist Leushinsky first-class monastery, Abbess Taisiya Having the good fortune to be in the closest spiritual relationship for more than 35 years with the unforgettable Fr. Archpriest John Sergiev (Kronstadt), I often talked with him, sometimes for a long time and in detail, about subjects of a spiritual, sublime nature. Taking advantage of such opportunities, I tried to ask him questions related to my personally spiritual, monastic, difficult life, and, compiling in my heart all of the priest’s answers, retiring in the evening in my cell, I carefully wrote down, trying to remember his every word. A whole notebook was made up of such notes. In recent years (I can’t tell the exact year) I told the priest about this, and he wanted to check the notes himself, found them correct, made corrections in some places, where he wrote additions in his own hand, and then told me: “It’s good that you remember my words. “I praise you,” says the apostle, “for you remember my word and keep my traditions” (cf. 1 Cor. 11:2). This means that the seed falls on good soil and will bear fruit that will satisfy others.” These are the records, starting from 1891, i.e. from the first year, as Fr. John began to travel to his homeland, to the village of Sura, to build a parish stone church there. When the priest, on the way back from his homeland along the Mariinsky system, entered the Sheksna River to follow it to the city of Rybinsk, a large passenger steamer was waiting for him in the city of Cherepovets, rented by Messrs. L., who invited the priest to Rybinsk. On the eve of this day, July 17, I arrived in Cherepovets on my monastic business, but about my upcoming visit to Fr. I didn’t know or think anything about John. By the evening, already in Cherepovets, I found out about this, and in the morning of the next day it became known that the priest had already arrived and was with the cathedral elder, merchant Krokhin. I headed there, barely making my way through a huge crowd of people, and began convincingly asking the priest to stop by our monastery, located not far from the bank of the Sheksna River. Father refused, due to the inconvenience, to delay the ship, rented by the owners to deliver it to them, and not for visits. At the same time, he added: “If you want to talk, it’s better to come with us on the ship and talk.” And so we set off. But even then I repeated my request to him again, having secured the consent of the ship’s owners, and he agreed. At the pier (our monastery) Borki we went ashore and rode in a carriage to the monastery. The priest’s first word addressed to me was: Father John. Why did you ask me to come over? So we saw each other and talked, isn’t that enough? Abbess Taisiya. That is why, father, I ask you, because I had the good fortune to talk with you and see you. Having received this happiness for myself, I cannot help but wish that my sisters would also receive the same. If I do not use all the measures in my power for this, then it will be on my conscience; If I do everything on my part, but you yourself do not deign to do this, then I will no longer be answerable before God for the fact that the sisters will not receive this benefit. Father looked at me carefully and said: “That’s what you say! Well, here we go." On the way we started talking. Abbess Taisiya. I would like, father, to open my whole soul to you; I have always tried to do this so that you see it as an external thing and can point out what is good for it, for this is the purpose of my conversations with you. After all, we often do not know ourselves, condescending to our weaknesses. However, I see that you are a person blessed and you yourself see the Holy Spirit inherent in you. Father John. We, shepherds, have been given special grace for the work of saving the souls entrusted to us, and grace also imparts knowledge as needed. I.T. Yes, father, but not everyone is the same; I think - to the extent of personal ability to perceive it. You are especially blessed and see your interlocutor in spirit; I've noticed this for a long time. O.I. And if you notice and understand spirituality in a person, then there is no need to doubt, but you need to believe. It is the enemy who confuses our soul with unbelief and doubt, so as not to give it peace. I.T. You have to see people a lot, father, listen to their various needs, sins, illnesses, and what people don’t reveal to you, people don’t believe! O.I. Yes, dear; I have to listen to a lot and a lot of people! (And the priest sighed heavily.) I.T. And is it hard for you, dear father? O.I. It is not easy, but this is precisely the fulfillment of the apostolic commandment by us: “We who are strong must bear the infirmities of the weak” (cf. Rom. 15:1). This commandment is not easy and broad, and it applies mainly to us, shepherds. I.T. But there are pure, holy, perfect souls? O.I. Our perfection is there (said the priest, pointing to the sky), and “one is Holy, the Lord Jesus Christ.” I.T. Father, as long as a person is in the flesh, he cannot be free from passions and temptations and from the temptations that surround him from everywhere in the world? O.I. Of course, I am not free, which is why I need to pay deep and unremitting attention to myself. A person in moments of temptation is like someone lying on a scale: where will he be pulled? The enemy is dragging him into destruction, and the angel and the very conscience of man are holding him back. At this time, you should arm yourself with the fear of God, imagining the horror of hellish torment. It is also necessary to add secret prayer of the heart, for without God’s help we are not strong enough to fight temptations. I.T. When a person pays attention to himself and watches over himself, then even the slightest deviation from God, whether allowed willy-nilly or not, weighs on the soul and disrupts its peaceful state (I speak, however, from my own experience). With the loss of peace comes anxiety, confusion, and tightness. Oh, how hard it can be for the soul and how difficult it is for it to recover again! O.I. Immediate secret repentance is required: “He will call to Me, and I will hear him” (Ps. 90:15). The Lord knows our weaknesses. He is ready to forgive us everything if we repent and ask for forgiveness. There is no need to touch, i.e. dwell on the thought of the sin committed, and immediately repent, remembering the mercy of God, then not anxiety and absent-mindedness will be generated, but contrition and humility of the heart, which “God will not despise” (Ps. 50:19), i.e. will not despise. I.T. How to preserve peace with God in the soul, restored in it through the sacraments, or through secret repentance, or through the mercy of God? O.I. There is nothing better to preserve the peace that consists of communion with God than by paying attention to yourself. In general, a person going through spiritual life and zealous for salvation must relentlessly pay attention to himself, i.e. notice all the movements of your heart and mind. The enemy is watching them closely and is trying to catch them; and when he finds a well, i.e. a minute not occupied by the attention of the householder himself, he immediately invades and begins to rule in his soul, and can do a lot of harm to it. I.T. And how hard the soul feels when, having cleansed itself and restored its communion with God, it breaks it again! O.I. On something pure and white, even the smallest speck is more visible; so it is in a pure soul, but in black and dirty they are invisible behind the general blackness and dirt. Again, it turns out that you need to pay attention to yourself and have constant remembrance of God and inner prayer. I.T. Yes, father, you involuntarily come to the realization of how difficult it is for a person, especially when life is placed in the midst of bustle, even innocent, for example, that of a boss, but who maintains self-attention, to stand on this path. O.I. Perhaps it is difficult, but what kind of good deed is given without difficulty? On the other hand, our salvation lies in work, because “the Kingdom of God is in need” (cf. Matt. 11:12), i.e. It is taken by self-compulsion, force, and diligence, and only intensified seekers achieve it. Prayer is needed. I.T. Father, teach me to pray. O.I. The simplest thing is to pray, and at the same time the wisest thing. A small child knows how to pray in his own way, to ask his father or mother for what he wants. We are the children of the Heavenly Father; Do children really manage to ask their father? As you feel, tell Him your needs, and open your heart. “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him in truth... and He will hear their prayer” (Ps. 144:18,19). “Again I tell you, he says: “Behold, I have come!” ; Oh, how great is God’s mercy towards us! But at the same time, be wise and careful, protect your mind from distraction and wandering, or vanity. I.T. Sometimes, father, I really pray with all my being, as if I were standing before the face of the Lord Himself. My whole being disappears in prayer, and that prayer is sweet and fervent. But this does not happen often, and sometimes I do not allow myself such a state, I am afraid that the enemy will deceive me with such a prayer, as if it were unskillful, not yet able to bear its height; This is the work of those who have succeeded more than me in spiritual life. After all, I have re-read almost all the ascetic books, and all the ascetics warn beginners, inexperienced people like me, against contemplative prayer; those. it must be achieved, but with caution, as the highest gift of God. O.I. So what am I telling you: be wise, be careful, but you should not avoid contemplative prayer. Such prayer is a visit to the grace of God; it must be earnestly asked for and treasured, and not avoided for any reason. The enemy does not like such prayer, so he scares you and deceives you. Prayer pacifies the soul, instills silence and tranquility in it. I.T. Since accepting the rank of authority, I pray little, father: in the evening you don’t know how to get to the pillow, so you get tired of the day’s affairs and worries, and in the morning, before I even get up, things stop, and as soon as you open the door, you’ll hardly come back to pray. O.I. Prayer and salvation are not “with many words” (Matthew 6:7). Read, although only a few prayers, but with consciousness and warmth in your heart. And most importantly, keep the memory of God throughout the whole day, i.e. secret, inner prayer. I myself do not have time to endure long monastic services, but everywhere and always - whether I am walking, driving, sitting or lying - the thought of God never leaves me, I pray to Him in spirit, mentally stand before Him and contemplate Him before me. I have foreseen the Lord before me... but I will not move (Ps. 15:8); the thought of His closeness to me never leaves me. Try to do the same. I.T. Do you feel Him close to you, father? O.I. Yes, dear, to loved ones, very close ones: He is always with me, according to His word: “And I will dwell in them, and walk around, and be their God” (2 Cor. 6:16). Otherwise, how could I act like this all day long, if not for the grace of God? I.T. Yes, father, you work amazingly, you completely sacrifice yourself to serve people, forgetting about yourself. O.I. Perhaps you have already said too much, but indeed, I try, to the best of my ability, with God’s help, to serve the salvation of human souls. I prepared myself for this from the very beginning of my priesthood. Shepherds, successors of the apostles, must live for their flock, and not for themselves; We are “the salt of the earth: if the salt is consumed, with what will it be salted?” (cf. Matthew 5:13). I.T. After all, you, father, have been a priest for a long time, but you openly appeared to people not so long ago? O.I. It was a time of temptation. Is it possible to go into battle without preparing yourself and without being tempted? I.T. Yes, it was not easy for you, father, but now you stand above all temptations and passions, and whatever would strike you will be crushed against the stone of faith and grace inherent in you. The priest crossed himself and said, sighing: O.I. There is much to say - above all temptations and passions; I'm not emotionless. But God’s grace, “which is in me, is not in vain” (1 Cor. 15:10), always strengthened and encouraged me. After all, ours are nothing but weaknesses and sins, but our ability to serve comes from God. I.T. The faith in you is great, father, but in me it is not enough - share with me. Father smiled and said: O.I. Take as much as you want, as much as you can carry. The Lord is rich in mercy. I.T. You are joking, father, but I often hesitate, not in faith, of course, in God. Oh no! I always believe in Him firmly and undoubtedly, but, for example, can I hope for salvation through the path I have chosen? Was my calling and all my visions that you know about from God? And in many other issues that I would like to check with a more spiritual, blessed look and strengthen with faith and hope. O.I. There is no need to be embarrassed; Your first vision of the Savior was in your childhood, what kind of charm could there be? He thereby called you to serve Him and gave you, as it were, a guarantee of salvation. I.T. He told me at the end of the vision: “Work hard first!” I work with all my might, but whether I work as He pleases, and whether He will accept my labors, whether they are pleasing to Him, I cannot be sure, because “not the judgment of God.” O.I. How can he not accept it when he has already crowned them with success? Look what a cathedral you erected without any means and in what a short time; Was it not the Lord who crowned your labors with such success? But for the entire monastery, for the virgin sisters whom you lead to salvation, the Lord will reward you a hundredfold, because He is righteous and merciful. I.T. But it’s all external, my dear father. Well, I built the cathedral with strangers, i.e. collected pennies, by someone else's hands; and everyone praises me for this - well, that’s external reward for external. And speaking about my soul, what did I acquire for it during my many years of life in the monastery? O.I. You say you haven’t acquired anything for your soul? God, the Knower of the Heart, will judge this. While we are on earth, Taisiya, the soul is inextricably linked with the appearance, and labors, although material, undertaken for the sake of the Lord and for His glory, are undoubtedly accepted by Him. You say, “I built it with other people’s pennies”; Yes, it would be much easier to get these pennies with your own people than through heavy taxes. And if they praise you for the cathedral, how can you not be praised for such a great work? After all, here, until the end of time, the Name of God will be glorified by thousands of lips, and your memory as a church creator will not cease to be commemorated by the Church. I.T. Because of this, now with these construction and general administrative worries and labors, I have neither prayer, nor fasting, nor monastic feats. O.I. Your exploits are not for your soul alone, but for the common good, that is why they are great and higher than private ones, actually for yourself. As for fasting, you are lying to yourself: after all, your food is meager, simple, and it is impossible for a worker not to eat at all. I.T. And there is so much sin in a position of authority! O.I. Why does the Lamb of God take away the sins of the world? Ask God for faith and hope. “Perfectly trust in the grace that is brought to you” (1 Pet. 1:13), says the Apostle Peter. I.T. Pray for me, dear father, with your many powerful prayers, may the Lord help me too. O.I. I pray and will pray. And you pray for me, and your prayer has boldness. I.T. What is my prayer? I pray for you, my father, but only because, on the one hand, I want to pray for you, as for a beloved father, for whom you wish every good thing; and on the other hand, I am ashamed and afraid to pray for you, for who am I before God compared to you? O.I. Why are you, Taisiya, unrighteously elevating me? I am the first of sinners. The apostle himself asks believers to pray for him: “pray for me” (cf. 1 Thess. 5:25). And another apostle writes: “pray for one another” (James 5:16). Yes, it is easier for us to pray for those who pray for us. I.T. I once wrote to you, father, asking you to pray for healing of my illness; I received only relief, not complete healing. O.I. And it’s not necessary, that means. Don’t try to get rid of illnesses, you have to get sick and be patient, everything is for the good, for our salvation. This conversation between my father and I on our first trip with him in July 1891, on the 18th day, was recorded by me almost verbatim in the evening of the same day; it continued on the way from the pier to the monastery, where the priest stayed very briefly due to the request of the owners of the ship not to detain him, and on the way back from the monastery to the ship. When it was already close to the pier and the minute was approaching to part with my dear father, I felt sad, and I told him: I.T. Now we will part with you, dear father, but how sweet it was for me to talk with you! And now, God knows when we will have to meet. O.I. Let us thank God for what we have received. You yourself say that all this happened unexpectedly, unforeseen for you, so look at it for yourself; But won’t the Lord always be the same merciful? “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8). What to look ahead? Let's hope! I.T. You were in a hurry, father, and didn’t even eat anything; I am very ashamed that you are completely hungry. O.I. On the contrary, I am more full than I need to be. I would like to be hungry; when the body is hungry, the soul is fuller, freer, you can more easily rise to grief, but a well-fed body and soul can oppress and enslave, and “man will not live on bread alone” (Matthew 4:4). I.T. One must be surprised, father, how you turn every simple, ordinary incident and even every word into an edification, into a lesson. Just from this word, what a lofty meaning you get! O.I. A Christian should be very careful about every word and try to turn it to the benefit of himself and the interlocutor. I.T. Well, dear father, we are approaching the pier, now we will separate. (And I cried.) O.I. “Who will separate us from the love of God” (Rom. 8:35)? And nothing will separate you and me, mother, who love the Lord, either in this life or in the future - believe and hope. “Take hold, O imash, so that no one may take your crown” (Rev. 3:11). I.T. How can I express to you my sincere, deep gratitude for visiting our monastery? Oh, if I could serve you or please you in any way! O.I. Please the Lord, I don’t need anything else, and nothing could be more pleasant for me. I.T. Even if for your holy prayers the Lord helped me to succeed in spiritual life, then still this would not be pleasing to you, but my direct duty and benefit for my soul; Moreover, how will you know about this so that your fatherly heart will rejoice? After all, you and I don’t see each other often and live quite far from each other. O.I. And I tell you that I will find out; Believe this, from now on we will see each other often. Every year I will travel to my homeland and on the way back, perhaps I will stop by your monastery. It was with such joyful hope that my father left me, boarding the ship; and when I returned to the monastery, I immediately wrote down our entire conversation. These words of Father John came true. My efforts to acquire a place in St. Petersburg for the construction of a courtyard for the purpose of material support for our monastery, which has neither capital nor support, which began under Metropolitan Isidore, sometimes required my short-term stay in the capital, where I often saw the priest, although I never had the opportunity to have a spiritual conversation with him. But during his visits to our monastery in the summer on the way back from his homeland, we received truly unearthly pleasure, being in continuous communication with this gracious shepherd for several days and even weeks. He usually wrote to me from his homeland. Sura or from Arkhangelsk about where he planned to go, how long to stay where and when approximately to be with us and whether on his own ship or on a rented one, and my job was to meet him at the appointed place. This is where my holiday began, my rest, i.e. literally mental relaxation, renewal of strength and lifting of spirit. We used to go with him from our Borka pier to the monastery; the road continues through the forest, and about three miles before the monastery, crossing the road, there passes a strip of monastery forest; and the priest will begin to bless him on both sides: “Grow, preserve, O Lord, all this for the benefit of Your monastery, in which Your holy Name is glorified incessantly.” On the way, he asks about the condition of the sisters, their health, etc. We approach a village located one mile from the monastery and making up its entire parish, and there on both sides there are a lot of people who have come out to bless the great guest: peasants with naked heads bow at the waist; women with babies in their arms rush vying to bring their children, if only the priest would touch them with his hand; All you can hear is: “father-breadwinner”, “you are our darling”, “red sun”. And the priest bows to both sides, blesses, saying: “Hello, brothers! Hello mothers! Hello, little ones of God! May our Heavenly Father bless you all! Christ is with you! Christ is with you! And as soon as the monastery buildings go up - clergy houses, hotels, etc., the sisters greet them with loud, harmonious singing: “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!” - and then, with singing, they are escorted to the cathedral church, where they are greeted by the clergy, and the ringing of the large bell has long been buzzing. It looks like something Easter, joyful: a general uplift of spirit, a general triumph! After the liturgy, at which there are always many communicants, the priest goes straight into the garden, where all the clergy who served him and the guests who came to him are invited; The samovar with all its attributes also appears there, and dear father, knowing that everyone is pleased to receive tea from his hands, tries to console everyone. Then he will go for a walk along the alleys of the garden, either alone or with an interlocutor, but no one bothers him. As soon as the priest walks through the terrace into the house, the garden becomes empty, as everyone leaves. But Father loves clean air too much: he not only spends all his time during the day either in the garden, or riding with me through the fields and forests, but sometimes on warm, dry nights he sleeps on the terrace. Sometimes in the garden he will gather his closest acquaintances and some of the sisters of the monastery and, having chosen a place somewhere, he will read to us a book that he himself has chosen, but most often he read the Gospel, the Apocalypse or the book of the prophets and immediately explained everything he was reading. Sometimes the reading was interrupted by conversations on the topic being explained. When he gets tired of sitting or gets tired of reading, he will say to me: “Well, mother, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for us to take a ride to your Hermitage.” And, of course, this is instantly fulfilled, and we are off. We always rode slowly, slowly, because at this time the priest was either praying secretly, or talking with me, or simply dozing; and there was no need to go quickly: the people, no matter how many there were, never rushed towards him or bothered him on the road. I will tell you about the “hermitage”, this favorite place of the priest, in detail later, and now I will return to his edifying conversations. Somehow, by the way, there was a conversation about faith, and I, for my part, said that our faith is not as dark and blind as others express - “blind faith.” I.T. I find that the mysteries of faith are accessible to understanding, I won’t say – mind, but – soul and heart. I do not believe blindly, not unconsciously, but consciously, tangibly, so to speak, understanding what, why and how I believe. O.I. Only spiritual people can say this, but worldly people, who do not practice the objects of faith, cannot be so aware of the mysteries of faith. And, in any case, there are mysteries that are completely incomprehensible, inaccessible to understanding: for example, the mystery of the Holy Trinity - who will comprehend it? One is Three. Three - and One... I.T. This is explained by the difference only in the properties of the Trinitarian Deity. Theology explains it this way: God the Father is the primary Mind, God the Son is the primary Word, God the Spirit is the life-giving, intelligent, hypostatic, omnipotent shrine, life from life, etc. You yourself write similarly in your “Diary”: “I think with the Father, I speak with the Word, I breathe with the Holy Spirit.” Consequently, this incomprehensibility of the mystery is simplified, clarified by similarities, and its impenetrability is smoothed out. O.I. Yes, for believers who are spiritually enlightened, but can everyone embrace this concept? However, the greatness of our faith lies in the fact that it is not as clear as knowledge; otherwise it would turn into knowledge and lose its greatness. Can I revere that which, through my comprehensive understanding, is inferior to my knowledge, becomes, as it were, beneath me? No, there, in the next century, we will “know” more fully, but now it is enough for us to “understand in part,” as the Apostle writes about faith: “Now I understand in part, but then I will know, just as I was also known” (1 Cor. 13:12). I.T. “We see now like a mirror in fortune-telling, but then face to face,” I added and continued: can it really be, father, that we will see the Lord face to face? It seems that human mortal nature cannot withstand this. O.I. One cannot stand it while man in the flesh, while he lives on earth, revolves in earthly vanity; Do you remember what God said to Moses: “You cannot see My face, lest man see My face and live” (Ex. 33:20). And in the next century, when man himself becomes spiritual, the Lord will reveal Himself to him as much as he can contain; this is God's work. In order not to be rejected from the Divine heaven, from the bright villages of the saints, forever undecaying and always living, bright, fragrant, all-joyful, one must here prepare oneself by keeping the commandments of God, repentance and practice in good deeds, one must know and visit the house of God on earth, know its great educational purpose for Christian souls and learn in advance to breathe the heavenly air here fragrant, spiritual aromas of Christian virtues, with which the whole sky, the whole assembly of saints, is fragrant, for in the church the virtues and valiant deeds of all the saints of the Church of Christ are constantly praised. Immensely much grace and mercy of God was given to people in the incarnation of the Son of God; much is required from them in return: constant and attentive reflection on the affairs of God’s economy is required, gratitude, expressed by fulfilling God’s commandments, obedience, mutual love and forbearance towards each other, truth, holiness, and for this it is necessary to pay attention to oneself, as it is said: “If we had reasoned with ourselves, we would not have been condemned” (1 Cor. 11:31). Oh, how the enemy doubles a person’s soul, turning it away from God with addictions and love for the flesh and everything carnal, for the world and its blessings: earthly glory, carnal beauty, wealth and all sorts of earthly pleasures, mostly sinful! Love for God is extinguished by sinful love, therefore how vigilantly one must watch all the bends of one’s heart so that it does not fall away from God, this only Source of all good! I.T. I don’t know, dear father, maybe I’m wrong, but, often checking my heart, I don’t find in it any attachment to anything earthly. I can’t help but realize and feel that I live, as it were, abstracted from earthly things, only out of duty I take part in everything and move around everywhere. O.I. Thank the Lord that He has given you this dispassion. This is not yours. Only His holy power can hold a person like this. I.T. I find the main reinforcement in the frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, in reading the Gospel, which, truly, sometimes answers my thoughts and gives admonition. I also often resort to your “Diary”. What bright, wonderful thoughts there are! For example: “As rivers flow to the sea, so do the souls of people flow to God.” Or again: “I think with the Father, I speak with the Word, I breathe with the Holy Spirit.” What a height! O.I. This is not mine, but an insight from above. I felt this insight on myself, and under the influence of it, the thoughts that appeared considered it a sin not to write down and commemorate; I kept these records for decades, and entire books were compiled. I.T. They have, father, some special character. They involuntarily delight the reader and transport him, as it were, into the depths of pure knowledge of God and light. I can’t just say: in my opinion, you seem to be destroying the mediastinum between God and man, uniting them. For example: “I live by God, in God and with God, and God lives in me!” What could be higher than this? After all, this is John’s theology: “God dwells in us... and from the fulfillment of Him we all receive and receive grace” (John 1:14,16)! Only the turn of phrase is different. If I dare to put it this way, in relation to our entire Orthodox teaching, this is, as it were, a continuation of it, an explanation of what has not yet been comprehended, an improvement of what is unfinished. You seem to be anticipating the future blessed life of the triumphant Church, and you are simplifying the unattainability of the future mystery into intimacy and unification. O.I. I understand what you want to say. However, you are not devoid of spiritual understanding. Indeed, it was written for this purpose, for this purpose. What is the mediastinum between the image and the prototype? It's a sin! But sin is destroyed by the God-man, the veil of sin is torn; who is stopping or what is blocking our path? I.T. With such a thought about the closeness of the unity of God with man, I involuntarily come to the question: why such our deeds, hardships, labors for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven, if it, like God who gives it, is only love, peace and joy? Thousands of ancient ascetics shone with their exploits; and we, today’s monks, are prescribed deeds, and yet God, this eternal Love, requires only love for His reign in the human heart: “Son, give Me your heart” (Proverbs 23:26), He says. Exploits exhaust, kill, oppress; I sometimes compare them with the letter in relation to the law: “The letter kills, but the spirit gives life” (2 Cor. 3:6). O.I. You confuse one thing with another, while everything has its time and place. Feats are needed and necessary for the education of our inner man, for the mortification of the passions nesting in him, for the development of ourselves to that “measure of the age of the fulfillment of Christ” (Eph. 4:13), when we become capable of accepting and carrying in our hearts the Kingdom of God. God is always with us, at the door of our heart, as it is said: “Behold, I stand at the door and understand” (Rev. 3:20); But is the heart always capable of accepting Him? So, both books and examples have shown us feats as an auxiliary force for our improvement, so that through them we can purify our hearts to accept the Kingdom of God within, i.e. Christ himself. Do you know the troparion of St. Great Martyr Theodore Tiron: “Like sweet bread was brought to the Trinity”? What does it mean? How do you understand these words? In order for the bread to be sweet and pleasant, you must first of all thoroughly sift the flour, clean it of all impurities, of everything unsuitable, so that the bread is clean and tasty. Likewise, in order for our heart to be a sacrifice pleasing to God, we must first cleanse it of the passions that are in it, sow them out, then it will be pleasing. I.T. Dear father, how should we understand the commandment about “good deeds”? Surely they need to be hidden? O.I. And this is how I understand it: “Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:16). Let people see your good deeds, and through this glorify the Lord, and have a living example for themselves, a living motivation to do good. This is from whom one must hide (and at the same time the priest pointed his finger at his heart) good deeds! Conceal everything from him, “so that your fool may not know what your right hand is doing” (Matthew 6:3). Shuitsa is one’s personal conceit and vanity. As you know, the priest used to read the canon, and at the same time the sedals on kathismas and antiphons. There was the 3rd tone, and, having read the antiphons: “He who sows in the south with Divine tears will reap the classes with the joy of ever-life,” the priest, turning to me, said: “This is your consolation, Taisiya, “he who sows with tears of joy will reap in the next century.” How much consolation the Lord proclaims to those who mourn and labor for His sake! Remember that labor for the Lord and sorrow for His sake are above all.” At Matins the Gospel was read about the appearance of the Lord to Mary Magdalene. After reading the Gospel, the priest turned to me and said: “Have you heard, mother, how the Lord consoled Mary Magdalene: Mary, “Why are you crying, whom are you looking for” (John 20:15)? So He says to you: “Taisia, why are you crying, who are you looking for?” Seek, seek Jesus, and He will appear to you. There are many consolations for the believer! For example, during the Divine Liturgy there is such consolation, illumination of the soul, revelation of secrets! I.T. Father, during the liturgy you are experiencing everything that is happening, so your soul is lifted up! O.I. It’s true, indeed, I try to feel everything that is done in my soul, being transported in thought and with all my soul to what is being done. I.T. How happy I am, Father, that you are celebrating the Liturgy with us! O.I. It’s easy to serve in your cathedral. The spirit of the singing sisters breathes purity, zeal, and reverence; In general, you have good sisters, a good monastery, and it will not be lacking in the mercy of God. The priest also said these words to me: “It’s easy to serve here, it’s a wonderful cathedral” at the altar, as soon as he himself received communion; he came up to me and, apparently from the abundance of his heart, said: “How good it is for me here, it’s easy to serve! Wonderful church! This was all the more gratifying to me because this church was built from the first to the last penny through my tearful labors and funds. I.T. Yes, and being with you, father, is so easy; peace, tranquility and joy emanate from you, as from the animated church of God. You will forget everything except God. Moreover, I beg you, write me at least a word when the Lord inspires you. Do not forget me, a sinner, because I am your spiritual daughter; don’t leave me, don’t forget me, my dear. O.I. This is how I will tell you this: the Lord said through the prophet: “Even if the wife (mother) forgets these, I will not forget you.” And I will do my best to remember you and your sisters. One day the priest was sitting deep in his thoughts, and I was thinking about him: “Lord, what kind of person is this?” Suddenly he turned to me, fixed his eyes full of meekness and peace on me and said: “Torture!” I, in turn, was not embarrassed by this, because it was not news to me that he answers thoughts, and I told him, also looking him straight in the eyes: “I’m not torturing, father; I can look you straight in the eye because I am not being false in front of you; but a person who thinks and has a spiritual mood for life cannot help but think about you; So I often think about you, father: what kind of person are you and how will all this end?” O.I. Look where you look: “how will it end?” The beginning and the end are the grace of God. Look and judge by the fruits, as stated in the Gospel: “by their fruit you will know them” (Matthew 7:16). And look for fruits in yourself, and they will and should be in you. Remember that peace is from God; the enemy cannot give peace of mind; his business is to confuse, not to pacify. I.T. Father, I would also like to ask you: I’m still trying to distance myself from my family; I rarely, very rarely write to them; It’s been 14 years since I’ve been with them; they all call, they all try to get closer to me; and others persuade me that it is a sin to abandon one’s own; If you do good to strangers, then it is even more necessary for your own people. But I keep trying to distance myself from them, because it is said: “Destroy a man of his own household” (Matthew 10:36). And what do we have in common? They will only distract me from my responsibilities; Yes, I’m afraid there’s a lot of sin with them. What is your view on this? O.I. And you are doing great! Beware, stay away from them. Remember: “You cannot serve two masters” (cf. Matt. 6:24). You now have other relatives - your sisters in Christ, you will answer for them before God; and I’ve already left my relatives, “don’t look back.” There is no stronger war against a spiritual man than against his relatives: “Defeat the man of his own household.” So it was with Christ, so it is now, and so it always will be. One day I confessed to the priest, speaking in order of the commandments. After listening, he said: O.I. All these are seemingly inevitable, everyday sins, for which we must constantly repent mentally and correct ourselves. But tell me what is your heart like, is there anything sinful in it: malice, enmity, hostility, hatred, envy, flattery, vindictiveness, suspicion, suspiciousness, ill will? This is the poison from which may the Lord deliver us! That's what's important! I answered that I did not feel in myself any malice, hostility, revenge, or anything like that, but I could only blame myself for suspicion, or rather, distrust of people, which formed in me as a result of many human injustices and untruths. O.I. And there is no excuse for this; remember: “love... does not think evil” (1 Cor. 13:5) and “a good eye will not see evil” even where it exists. Cover everything with love, do not stop at earthly dirt, achieve the perfection of Christ’s love; however, Christ “not giving Himself their faith, He Himself knew all things” (John 2:24). I.T. Father, how can you trust and fully believe in people when you had to endure so much from them undeservedly, innocently? Sometimes, out of precaution for the future, you are distrustful and suspicious. O.I. Why do we need to look into the future? “His wickedness is sufficient for the day” (Matthew 6:34). Let us surrender, like children, to our Heavenly Father; He “will not leave us to be tempted more than we are able” (cf. 1 Cor. 10:13). You will only torment yourself with suspicion, and you will not help the matter; you will even harm it by imagining evil in advance where, perhaps, it will not exist. As long as we don’t do evil, let them do it to us, if the Lord allows. I once told my father that sometimes I am subjected to the strongest spiritual temptation, which I cannot describe in words; it’s like despondency, but in the most terrible degree, almost despair - as if a black cloud was hanging over your head, and there was definitely no way out from under it; everything seems so gloomy, so heavy on the soul that I call this temptation “hellish,” and if it were prolonged, it would cause death or frenzy. O.I. This temptation is tolerated by those who are stronger and more experienced in spiritual warfare. The enemy inflicts it on you because he sees that your exploits are coming to an end, that your reward is being prepared in heaven, and he wants to defeat you with a strong push and deprive you of your crown. It destroys many with despondency. Be strong and courageous, fight against the machinations of the enemy, do not give in. Carry this cross with humility and patience. Consider that he was sent to you for your humility, and the Lord will help you. Whose church of the soul is founded on stone, no winds can shake it, for its foundation is firm; and whoever does not have a stone, Christ, at his foundation, and his spiritual church is founded on sand, it is easily destroyed even by the slightest storm. Climb the spiritual ladder up, not down. Elevate your spirit, elevate your mind. You are called to shepherd your small flock of virgins, chosen by the Lord for a monastic life; do not consider this matter to be of little importance or less than those virtues and deeds that you could carry out in solitude, saving only your soul. Now you have no peace for the sake of serving your neighbors; your labors, worries and sorrows are the sorrows and sufferings of a martyr, for you are crucified for everyone out of love for God and your neighbors, and what is higher than this? The next morning, when the priest and I went to the church, in which there was a marble throne, the priest suddenly, pointing to it, asked me: “What kind of throne is this?” I looked at him in surprise and answered: “Marble.” He continued: “Hence, stone; Let your heart be like this stone - take heart!” I.T. Sometimes, father, you are preparing to receive the Holy Mysteries, but at night you cannot stay awake at all: either you are extremely tired from the day’s work, or from something else, but you just feel sleepy; then you get embarrassed by it in church. O.I. Do you really think that our lack of sleep or any exploits are strong and sufficient to give us boldness before the Holy Cup? Do you remember the robber? One sigh of sincere repentance, one faith in the merits of the Crucified One - this is our justification, and not our imaginary exploits. Of course, one must strive, but not in order to see and place one’s justification and dignity in these achievements. “God will not despise a contrite and humble heart” (Ps. 50:19). I repeatedly asked the priest to accept our monastery under his spiritual leadership, his protection, not at all implying any material help here, which I absolutely never bothered the priest about, but asked exclusively for his spiritual, gracious supervision over our monastery, believing and knowing from experience that the Lord reveals to him the state of human hearts. O.I. You ascribe a lot to me, mother, you think too highly of me. If I have anything, it is only by the grace of God. Of course, “all things are possible to him who believes” (Mark 9:23). According to your faith, if it is His holy will, I will not refuse to assist you in the matter of salvation, I will, as I already said, pray for you; and I myself love your monastery. This conversation of ours took place during the priest’s stay in our monastery. Two or three days after this, my father and I went for a ride, and, according to custom, first of all to Pustynka. When the priest decided to retire there for prayer or rest, he ordered the entrance gates of the fence to be locked so that no one would enter or disturb him. This time he did the same. It is worthwhile to explain here that the entire place, enclosed here by a wooden fence (hermitage “Pustynka”), is an even square, in the middle of which there is a one-story wooden house, on the eastern half of which there is a church in the name of St. Apostle John the Theologian. On this side from the fence to the church are the sisters’ cells, and on the other side of the church house is a garden with alleys, where Fr. John, performing his secret prayers. As a precaution so that no one would disturb him, during such walks I always almost sat on the steps of the porch, and if the priest needed anything, he turned to me. In the incident I am describing, the priest walked around the garden for a short time, but apparently he was praying, often stopping, crossing his arms on his chest and fixing his gaze on the sky. Then, with a quick movement, he approached a chair standing on one alley and dragged it behind him to the altar wall from the southeast. I was at a loss from the surprise of such an act, I did not have time and did not dare to help him. I look - the priest is already dragging the second chair behind him, just like the first. I hurried to him, but he put it next to the first one and said to me: “Sit down, I’ll read to you.” With these words, he took a rather large book out of his pocket, opened it where it was hidden, and began to read. I'll tell you briefly the story I read. In the Kiev-Pechersk Lavra, the founder of which, as is known, was the Monk Anthony, one of the elders who held a high position and enjoyed universal respect, died. Abba, i.e. The abbot especially grieved for him, since he had in him his closest and faithful assistant in management. Much to his chagrin, the deceased decomposed so badly on the first day of his death that it was impossible to read the Gospels from him or sing requiem services not only at the tomb, but even in the next cell; a stench filled the entire (then small) monastery, and everyone considered this to be God’s punishment. When Abba stood on his rule at midnight and prayed for the repose of the newly deceased, he heard a voice from the icon of the Savior, announcing to him that the deceased had many secret sins, for which he died without repenting, and therefore could not be pardoned by the Justice of God. The next morning, the abba gathered all the brethren, announced to them the Savior’s announcement about the elder, and invited everyone to pray especially intensely for him and fast for forty days. Everyone began to strive with zeal for the soul of their brother. On the 40th day, Abba, again in midnight prayer before the same icon of the Savior, hears a voice: “Not for the sake of your fasts and prayers for your brother bound by sins, but for the sake of My servant Anthony, who prayed to Me while still on earth, so that the souls of those who labor in this monastery created by him would not perish, I forgive the deceased name.” After reading this story, the priest folded the book, hid it in the side pocket of his cassock and, quickly standing up, said: “Well, let’s go, mother!” And we immediately set off. We both sat in silence for a long time. Knowing that the priest never does anything without a purpose, I wondered how to explain this action of his. Finally, the priest himself began: “What are you thinking about, mother?” I.T. How can I help but think about it, father, because it’s like you’ve given me a riddle. After all, I understand that you read this to me not without a purpose, so I want to figure it out, to find this purpose; maybe you can tell me yourself? O.I. No, if necessary, the Lord will reveal it to you, and I myself will not say anything. I.T. I came to only one conclusion, and no other comes to my mind: just as the Monk Anthony begged the Lord so that everyone who labored in his monastery would not be rejected by Him, but would be saved, so through your holy prayers the Lord will save everyone living in this monastery. This is what I asked you about the other day, and I always ask. O.I. Yes, the Lord gave me this abode of yours, and I am your constant prayer book. From the excess of strong sensations caused by this event, I could not sort out my thoughts. I realized that what the priest said to me after the reading was a matter of too great importance, too joyful for me and for the entire monastery. I sat, deep in my thoughts, and even forgot to thank the priest for his such priceless gift. Finally I came to my senses and told him: “Father, of course, I am powerless to thank you, and what word of gratitude can correspond to such a great gift.” O.I. Thanks be to God, and not to me, the unworthy. Do you remember the words of the Apostle: “It is more fitting for us to pay attention to what is written, lest we fall away” (cf. Heb. 2:1)? I.T. I remember, father, but this text is not very familiar to me, and you rarely repeat it, write it down for me for memory. O.I. I don’t want to, Taisiya, I’m tired. But, after being silent for a while, he continued: “Well, come on, I’ll write!” I.T. No, father, if you are tired, then why bother yourself? I’ll remember it anyway or write it down myself. And I repeated the text. O.I. Come on, come on - I’ll write! You have to force yourself; you hear: “you have to force yourself” for the benefit of your neighbors for the glory of God. I learned the lesson for myself. “God save you,” I answered, “yes, every word of yours is dear to me, I listen carefully to your speeches and after home I write down everything that I talked about with you. This serves as a consolation and benefit for me, and how gratifying it is to read your speeches, when, having parted with you, you miss you. In addition, I think it will be useful for others to hear (i.e. read) your grace-filled conversations.” O.I. Well? You can give to others, but first let me see what you wrote down there myself. I showed the priest this very notebook; he read a few pages, corrected a few things and, giving it back to me, said: O.I. I would look through it in more free time, then give it to me. It's good that you remember my words. “I praise you,” says the apostle, “for you remember my word and keep my traditions” (cf. 1 Cor. 11:2). This means that my seed falls on good soil and bears fruit, contented to feed others. I.T. It seems to me, father, that absent-mindedness, although in itself is not a special type of sin, almost more than other sins, it interferes with the presence of God’s grace and drowns it out. O.I. Don't you consider absent-mindedness a sin? It is a loss of attention; the Savior also mentioned it when he spoke about the seed that fell along the way, and when he said to the Apostle Peter: “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan asks you, that he might sow like wheat” (Luke 22:31) (sowed, i.e. scattered). I.T. Is this about absent-mindedness, father? O.I. Well, about absent-mindedness. Father loved flowers and nature in general; they constantly brought him flowers, either from the garden or from the field. It happened that he would take a rose or peony in his hand, which would bloom before his arrival, and kiss the flower, saying: “I kiss the Right Hand, who created you so wondrously, so beautifully, so fragrantly!” O Creator, Creator! How marvelous You are in the smallest grass, in every petal!” Sometimes the priest would hold a flower in his hand and give it to someone present; and how much joy the owner gets with this flower! And the priest continues to praise the Creator for His good deeds to people. Will they give him berries from the garden that are ripe, he says: “What a Lord, our Heavenly Father, merciful, kind, generous, all-merciful! Look, understand: He not only gives us daily, necessary food, but also delights us, treats us with berries, fruits, and what a variety of tastes - some are better than others! Please note that each variety of berries has its own taste, its own sweetness, its own aroma.” One of the visitors once remarked to him that now the culture has been improved and produces better varieties of products. Father, without looking at the speaker, but continuing to look at the berries, answered: “Culture is culture, and the Creator is Creator. This is why reason was given to man, so that he could work with it, cultivate, improve, or, as they say now, cultivate first of all himself, and then other creations of God, even trees, fruits, and everything that was given into his hands by the Creator. It is easy to grow from a ready-made seed and bring it to the highest quality; but to create a seed, if it doesn’t exist, to create one drop of water where there is none - try it with your culture! You can also make waterfalls from the finished water; from ready-made substances - earth, sand, clay - you can erect any kind of mass; and in the absence of these substances, what would you do? O Creator of all good things, Heavenly Father, until Your creation recognizes You and falls to the dust before Your greatness?!” Father also loved to pick berries in the garden himself and eat them straight from the branch. Sometimes he would climb into the raspberry bushes or strawberry beds, eat and call: “Mother, there are thieves in your kindergarten; Why don’t you take good care of your property?” He loved our kindergarten and every time before leaving the monastery he came into it and, as if pitying it, said goodbye to it: “Farewell, kindergarten! Thank you for the pleasure you always give me! How many bright moments I spent in your solitude! - and the like. Sometimes you would say to him: “Our dear father, won’t you come to us next year?” He will answer: “The future is in God’s hands; If I’m alive, I’ll come.” If it happened that the priest came to us during haymaking, then we would go with him to the sisters’ mowing, always adapting it to the time when they were drinking tea there. What a joy it is for the sisters! We would drive up, and from a distance we could already see black figures in white aprons and white handkerchiefs. At a distance, samovars are also smoking; right there on the grass there is a large simple rustic tablecloth, pressed down at the edges with pebbles so that the wind does not lift it, on it there are about a hundred cups of tea, sugar, and bags of pretzels (bags) stand nearby. As soon as the priest arrives, the singing sisters will burst out the priest’s favorite tribute: “Hail, Queen.” The priest goes to the table prepared for him, but sometimes first he takes a walk in the meadow, sits in the hay, talks with the haymakers, and then the tea party begins. Everyone gathers at the boiling cubes and samovars, sits on the grass, and the priest himself hands them bagels out of a bag, gives many tea from his glass, and generally tries to console everyone. When he leaves the mowing, everyone runs to see him off, the singers sing “many years” to him until the carriage is out of sight. In general, the priest loved our singing and every day he called on the clergy women to sing, mostly in the garden, sometimes in Pustynka, and in rainy weather in their cells. Every day after dinner the regent approached him, to whom he assigned which plays to sing for him. Sometimes he listened to them silently, with concentration, in a prayerful mood; sometimes he stood or even walked among them and explained to them the meaning of what was being sung, especially the Irmos; sometimes he enthusiastically sang with them and directed them with his hand. When he and I happened to ride along the Volga, with his blessing, I took with me on the ship from 4 to 6 singers, who sang to him on the ship, also in the coastal churches, where he stopped to perform the liturgy, without which he could not spend a single day. The Creed is a prayer intended to be read before repentance. When we rode through our forests and fields with him, he always blessed the fields with a prayer for their fruitfulness and an abundant harvest to feed the monastery. It happened that when he saw that there were no people nearby, he would order the horses to stop, take off his cassock, put it in its place and go for a short walk in the field. We have placed a lot of benches along the roads between the monastery and the monasteries, since nuns walk along these secluded paths and sometimes sit down with their handicrafts, or relax when they go to the forest to pick berries or mushrooms. During Father’s stay with us, all such benches served as a place for pilgrims who came to Father; Knowing that he and I drove past here every day, sometimes several times, they were waiting for us and, seeing the carriage from afar, quietly, in perfect order, approached the priest for a blessing; some girls brought him wild flowers, especially often violets, white and purple, which the priest loved very much. So one day, having accepted these bouquets, he held one of them in his hands and, looking at him, said the gospel word: O.I. “And Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like each of the lilies of the field. If the Heavenly Father dresses a flower like this, which exists today and will be thrown into the oven tomorrow, how much more so than you, you of little faith.” How obvious is the truth of God’s word: “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and everything else will be added to you” (cf. Matt. 6:29–30, 33). I experience this on myself: since I began to intensely seek and exclusively care about pleasing the Lord through prayer and deeds of mercy to my neighbors and others, I have almost no need to take care of myself, i.e. about your external needs; By the grace of God, good people dress me, put on shoes, treat me and would consider it an insult if I did not accept their zeal. I answered him: “And if you knew, father, how nice it is to do something for you, even to serve you in some way. And would you believe it, father, that for everything you do for you, you will so soon be rewarded a hundredfold! I personally experienced this myself, and I heard it from many.” O.I. I believe, and I see it in practice; Yes, this is in the order of things; The Lord rewards us for everything, even for a cup of cold water given in His name. I.T. And in this regard, I often remember the words: “Receive the righteous in the name of the righteous, he will receive the reward of the righteous” (Matthew 10:41). I know that this was said to the apostles and not in the relation that we are now talking about, but in general about faith and zeal for the righteous, i.e. to people who have completely surrendered to God. O.I. Do you remember the apostolic word: “For God did not offend, forget your deeds and labors of love, which you showed in His name to serve the saints” (Heb. 6:10). Of course, we should not mean the saints living in heaven, but His servants who work for Him for the salvation of people. But He strictly judges those who dare to slander them, especially to slander innocently! As He says through the prophet Zechariah: “Touch you” (i.e., God’s chosen ones), “as you touch the apple of His eye” (God’s) (Zech. 2:8). You see, the Lord calls them his “eye”! And the saints loved the Lord so much! Despite their weak carnal nature, horrified and thoughts of torment and torture, for the sake of the love of Christ they willingly underwent all suffering and death, just so as not to be rejected from Him in eternity. Here, Saint Ignatius the God-Bearer both personally asked and wrote in his letter to the Christian Romans, when they wanted to free him from the martyrdom that awaited him: “Do not forbid me” (i.e., do not prevent me from coming to the Lord), “I want to be prayed for” (i.e. ground) “with the teeth of beasts, that I may be an acceptable sacrifice to my Lord!” This is high, holy love! In 1903, while he was with us, Fr. Archpriest John laid the foundation stone for the winter Trinity Church in front of a huge crowd of people, since this year there were teacher courses here, in which over 70 teachers took part. It would be a sin to remain silent about one too important event that took place through the prayers of Fr. John in front of the whole village and known to the whole neighborhood, about which at one time everyone talked and wrote, and now, after the death of the priest, Mr. M. A. Goltison mentioned in the newspapers what happened at that time in our monastery. This was also in 1903, back in early June. Anthrax appeared throughout the local area. Cows and horses died several times a day. Quarantines were set up on all sides, and I thought with horror about how I would go for the priest and how I would bring him to the monastery, because everyone who came to us by boat from more remote areas had to walk the entire 10 miles from the pier to us. In the monastery, in fact, no livestock died, there was no epizootic; but from there, surrounded by quarantines, it was impossible to get anywhere except on foot. Finally, it became necessary to resolve the issue, i.e. either warn the priest about the impossibility of visiting our Leushino, or, disregarding the danger of exposing all our livestock to epizootics, decide to go; and I, having prayed with faith, chose the latter. With all sorts of precautions, at night, in order to avoid the heat of the day, I rode to the pier on a light, simple one-horse tarantass. 2 versts before it, in quarantine, we barely made it through, and only because everyone knew that so far everything was fine in the monastery. We had barely passed this outpost when, unfortunately for us, two drays crossed the road, carrying fallen horses to be buried in a designated place. My horror and fear doubled, and I was almost sure that I had to lose my horse. Somehow, we finally got to the pier and, with all precautions, having sprayed and smoked, put the horse into the stable. In the morning I went to meet my father and on the ship I told him everything. After listening to me in silence, the priest stood up from his seat and began to walk along the ladder of the ship and pray. After half an hour, he sat down next to me again and said: “What a treasure is prayer! With it you can ask for everything from the Lord, receive everything, every good, overcome every temptation, every misfortune, every grief.” I was already beginning to realize from these words that our misfortune - anthrax - would be overcome by his prayers, which I expressed to him. The priest replied: “Well, “everything is possible for believers!” "(Mark 9:23). When the ship approached the Borka pier, more than one hundred housewives and housewives had already gathered there, intending to ask the priest to pray for deliverance from such a severe punishment as the loss of livestock. “What will we do without cattle, breadwinner? After all, there’s no need to plow the land, nothing, even go around the world! It’s already poor enough, but now there’s this kind of trouble.” - “For your sins, the Lord allowed such misfortune to happen to you; After all, you are forgetting God. For example, holidays were given to us so that we could go to church and pray to God, but you get drunk; and you know what’s good when you’re drunk!” - “Obviously, father-breadwinner, there is nothing good in drunkenness, only evil.” - “So do you admit, my friends, that you are receiving retribution for your sins?” - “How can I not admit it, breadwinner! Pray for us, sinners!” And everyone fell at their feet. The priest ordered to bring a tub and immediately draw water from the river. Having performed a brief blessing of water, he said: “Every householder take this water for himself, sprinkle his cattle with it, and go and work with God; The Lord has had mercy on you." Then the priest went to the shore, where our horses were already standing, which he himself had sprinkled, as well as the horse that had brought me to the pier, and we fearlessly rode to the monastery. On the same day, all the peasants went wherever they needed to, all quarantines were lifted, only one memory remained of the ulcer, combined with reverent surprise at the great prayer book of the Russian land. Although there was no loss of livestock in our monastery, we nevertheless asked the priest to sprinkle it and pray for its preservation for the common benefit. And our invaluable prayer book, having performed the blessing of water, ordered all the cattle to be led past him one by one, and each one was separately sprinkled with holy water, as well as the horses. In general, the priest loved animals; As an example of this, I can cite an incident to which I and everyone on the ship were eyewitnesses. Once, my father and I were traveling on a steamboat along the Volga upstream, against the current, at about 5 o’clock in the afternoon, during haymaking time. Everyone was on the gangway, where the priest was reading a book to us, and we surrounded him, sitting on chairs, on benches, and on the floor. Having stopped reading, the priest turned to the captain of the steamship A.A.M., who was right there, and said: “Let’s go, friend, slowly: it’s a wonderful evening, and the aroma from fresh hay is a pleasure!” Walking quietly, we approached a large village, widely spread along the banks of the Volga, and on the opposite bank there was a meadow where hay was still being harvested: some were throwing stacks, others were putting it on carts to take it across the river to the village on a ferry that stood at the other bank. Suddenly one horse with a huge cart of hay, having rolled it onto the ferry, could not stop and rushed straight into the water, dragging along both the cart and the peasant owner who was holding it. An unimaginable commotion occurred on the ferry: both the horse and the hay were doomed to certain death. The peasant, throwing the reins into the river, immediately got into the boat and headed downstream, where the horse and cart should have been carried. Our ship stopped completely. In horror, we all looked at what we thought was the dying animal. But what happened? The priest, standing right next to the board on the ramp, crossed himself all the time, prayed, saying out loud: “Lord, have mercy on your creation, this innocent horse! Lord, You created it to serve man, do not destroy it, have mercy, O all-good Creator!” He often made the sign of the cross in the air towards the horse, which floated with the cart, as if walking along the bottom. When she swam to the very middle of the river, where it was very deep, her heart simply froze, looking at her: she was about to disappear under the water, but she continued to swim and was already not far from the other bank. The peasant who was sailing behind her in the boat also swam to the shore; he picked up the reins that were dragging on the water, got ahead of the horse and helped it lift the cart to the shore. Other men came running from the village and began to help the victim together. First, they unharnessed the horse, and it, feeling out of danger, began to shake itself off, ride, i.e. roll on the grass, and then cheerfully rose to her feet. The hay got wet, but not all the way to the top, although it seemed to us that only the top of it was no longer in the water. Since it was in front of everyone, and everyone saw how Fr. John prayed for the salvation of the animal, then many people gathered on the shore, led by the owner of the horse, to thank the dear prayer book and the common sad father, but he, avoiding this, immediately ordered the captain of the ship to move on. The Lord deigned me to see and hear many, very many edifying and gratifying things during my stay with Fr. John. He had an amazing ability to turn the smallest incidents, apparently unnoticeable, ordinary, not worth even attention, into useful edification for those around him. Here's an example. We were all once with him on the gangway of the ship, where, as usual, the priest read to us. Having finished reading, he sat in silence, only ordering that the table on which the books lay be cleared away. There was a strong wind; Fearing that he would sweep the books into the river, I began to collect books to take them to the cabin. Father, who was looking intently at the floor, called out to me and said: “Mother, look how the poor fly is beating! See, there she is! She, the poor thing, was knocked to the floor, she can’t get up, but still she doesn’t lose hope, she fights with the wind: he carries her back, and she crawls again, what a clever girl! This is how the enemy, the devil, fights the soul, carries it like a whirlwind away from the path of salvation along which it is walking, and it fights and does not yield to him. So the fly teaches us, gives us a lesson.” It happened that he admired the sunset on a clear summer evening and said: “How marvelous is the Creator in His creation! Just look at this sun, what a wondrous beauty! And if the creation is so majestic, then what about the Creator Himself, what is He like!” And one cannot count such and similar conversations and fragmentary phrases of the priest with which he delighted the spirit of his companions. I will not describe how many amazing, varied healings have taken place before our eyes, because they are countless and known to everyone; but it is no less worthy to commemorate the cases that speak of his insight and foresight and, in general, of his closeness to the spiritual world. During his secret prayer, he seemed to contemplate God before his eyes and talked with Him as with a being close to him. It was as if he was asking God and receiving information from Him. I can give the following example of this. One day the priest was sitting on the ladder of the ship alone, reading his little travel Gospel, which he held in his hands. I was also on the ramp, but far from him. Suddenly the priest, seeing me, made a sign with his hand for me to come up to him, which, of course, I willingly did. “Listen, mother,” he turned to me, sitting me down next to him, “what a wrong translation: “I died in my frenzy” (Ps. 115:2) translated - “I said in my madness.” Isn't that what it's all about? I replied that it should have been translated: “I said in admiration, in the delight of feelings,” with which further words are consistent: “that I will repay the Lord for all that I have repaid.” Father approved of my words and, lowering the book, sat in silence. Taking advantage of his calm mood and idle moments, I decided to express to him my disturbing thoughts about the afterlife of my mother, who, being a completely religious Christian, at the same time strongly opposed my going to the monastery and did not want to give me her blessing for this. I was worried about the thought: would the Lord count her stubbornness as a sin? And so, at the moment described, I asked the priest about this. He told me: “Pray for her” - and, continuing to sit motionless with the Gospel in his hands, he concentratedly looked somewhere into the distance. I no longer repeated the question, and we sat with him in silence for about a quarter of an hour. Suddenly the priest, turning to me, said firmly: “She has been pardoned!” I did not dare to understand these words as an answer to my question, considering it already completed, and, looking at the priest in bewilderment, I asked: “Who has been pardoned? Who did you say that about?” “Who were you asking me about? About your mother? - he objected. “Well, so I’m telling you that she has been pardoned.” “Father, dear,” I continued, “you speak as if you have received a message from above.” - “How could it be otherwise? After all, you can’t talk about such things without notification—it’s not a joke.” I can give examples not only of the priest’s insight, but also of the fact that in the name of God he authoritatively forbade the demons, whose machinations he obviously saw; I will give just a few of them. Once I had the opportunity to travel with my father along the Baltic railway. d. only together with him, in a separate compartment. I wanted to talk to him alone about some necessary matter. A cordial, spiritual, frank conversation began. Suddenly the priest impulsively, quickly rose to his feet (without leaving the place where he was sitting), and, raising his right hand up, shook it in the air, as if threatening someone, and, looking straight into the distance (not to the side), said loudly: “May the Lord God forbid you!” Having said these words, he crossed himself, sat down in his place and looked at me with his usual gentle smile and, putting his hand on my shoulder, said: “What, mother, weren’t you scared?” “I was scared, father,” I answered, “but I immediately understood that you forbade the demons; do you really see them? - “Yes, mother, yes! But what can we say about this? Let’s continue our sweet conversation.” Thus, in this conversation we reached Oranienbaum; The priest headed to the ship going to Kronstadt, and I, with the same train, without leaving the carriage, returned to St. Petersburg, consoled and encouraged by the conversation with the great man who has power over the “spirits of wickedness in high places” (cf. Eph. 6:12). I can give the following second similar case. On the day of our courtyard church's feast of St. Our priest always served the Apostle John the Theologian; For this purpose, he came to the all-night vigil the day before, went out to the veneration, and read the akathist and canon himself. Then he stayed overnight with us and on the feast itself celebrated the late liturgy with other priests at 10 o’clock. He always got up early, sometimes at 4 or 5 o’clock, wrote a sermon or his notes, and at about 7–8 o’clock he went to freshen up in the air, and he always took me with him. We usually went to the islands, where in the morning it was always empty and secluded, which, with the clean fresh air, really provided rest and joy for the shepherd, surrounded throughout the whole day by people and bustle. The priest used these hours for secret contemplative prayer, and I, knowing this, never disturbed it with any conversations, except in those cases when he himself spoke to me. Once we were driving along the Nikolaevsky Bridge, from where the coachman was ordered in advance to turn left along the embankment. When our carriage reached the chapel on the bridge, a dead man was being carried past, along the embankment, on the left side; The ditch with the coffin was pulled by one horse, and there were no more than 8 or 10 mourners, which is why each of them was clearly visible. Father suddenly changed his face: he looked intently at the funeral procession, and since it walked along the embankment parallel to our carriage on my (left) side, he had to lean towards my side, and I could not help but see the change in his face. Finally, the procession turned to the 1st line, and the priest, having calmed down somewhat, began to cross himself. Then, turning to Me, he said: “How terrible it is for drunkards to die!” Assuming that the priest was talking about the deceased because he recognized those accompanying his coffin, I asked: “Do you know him, father?” He answered me: “The same as you.” Still not understanding anything, I explained my assumption to him, adding that I didn’t know any of those accompanying him. “Me too,” he said, “but I see demons rejoicing over the destruction of the drunkard’s soul.” I cannot keep silent about the time this righteous man spent in our monastery in 1908. This was his last visit; He was already very weak, he could hardly eat anything, he spoke little, he read more and more, he retired into solitude, but he served every day in the cathedral church, which he always praised so much and about which he spoke more than once that it was easy for him to serve in it, which I have already mentioned. He stayed with us in the monastery for 9 days, and on the day of departure he asked me: “How many days did I stay with you, mother?” When I answered, he continued: “I’ve celebrated the nineties on my own, I won’t be with you anymore. Thank you, thank you for your diligence, for your love, for everything!” The sisters saw him off, as usual, with singing and tears - it was clear to everyone that the priceless lamp was burning out. When he and I left the monastery and, having passed the village of Leushino, turned left into the fields, the priest began to turn back and look at the monastery. Assuming that he had forgotten something or wanted to say something to those driving behind us, I asked him about it, but he answered: “I admire your monastery once again: a quiet, holy monastery! May the Lord protect her; verily God is with you!” Now these wonderful, joyful words serve us as great, high consolation. From the Borki pier we took a boat to Rybinsk and down the Volga to the distant Kama, where the priest was invited. With us were 5 singing sisters, who, by order of the priest, conducted divine services on the ship and sang to him during the day at his request. This remained the only consolation from the usual passing of time on the ship. On the eve of the day when we were supposed to part with the priest, he asked the sister singers to sing all the numbers of the Cherubic songs that they knew. There were a lot of them (since they had the notes with them), and the sisters, standing next to the priest, began to sing. When the turn came to Simonovskaya Kherubimskaya, the priest said: “This is my favorite song, I sang it myself when I was a boy,” and asked to repeat it. Then they sang, according to the priest’s instructions: “He rejoices in You” and “The Highest of Heaven.” During the entire singing, the priest sat in a chair at the side of the ship, wrapped in a warm cassock, and, sitting, chanted with his right hand and sang along. When they sang “The Highest of Heaven,” he remarked: “This is good, but it’s a new tune, and I sang differently,” and he sang this whole song to the end in his melodious, but already senile, trembling voice, i.e. “How can we be saved?” Everyone shed tears, and how could it have been otherwise? Having sung, the priest stood up and, turning to the singers, said: “Well, God grant that we all be saved! Thank you, sisters, for your beautiful sweet singing, with which you have always consoled me.” The next day, my father and I parted. It was July 6, 1908. Concluding these recordings of my conversations with the unforgettable Father John, I consider it worthwhile to add that the purpose of publishing these recordings is solely to share this spiritual treasure with believers, since they too can learn a lot of edifying things from them. Here I opened my soul to the priest, which I did not hesitate to convey to the readers; but they too are people who live on earth and are also burdened with infirmities, therefore they will be lenient towards my shortcomings. I ask you to believe everything written here, taking into account that I could not have any motivation to speak a lie against the deceased, who is already approaching the face of God. If I had written this during his lifetime, one could still suspect me as a supporter and admirer of the priest, but this would also be inconsistent with my views, for I cannot help but understand the importance of this issue, and in my advanced years this would be unforgivable. I am already 70, I am preparing to follow my father into eternity. Oh, dear father! How much you consoled me during my life, sweetened the bitterness of the sea of ​​life for me! But even after your departure, you left me many sweet memories. "> SMALL SKETE DESERT, OR CROSS, WITH THE CHURCH IN THE NAME OF ST. APOSTLE AND EVANGELIST JOHN THE BOGOSLOV The name Pustynka, or Cross, is given to a small hermitage with the church of St. Apostle John the Theologian. Its second name, Cross, may seem inconsistent with the name of the monastery, but its very origin is somewhat unusual and is closely connected with the name of the venerable shepherd, Fr. Archpriest John of Kronstadt, for whom this was a favorite place. In 1892, on his way back from his homeland, he visited our monastery on June 15, intending to stay there for several days. Of course, all the deserted hospitality of the monastery was aimed at reassuring the distinguished guest, but how could she express her cordiality? By the way, I invited the priest to ride through the fields and forests of the monastery and bless them, to which he readily agreed. At that time, the monastery did not yet have spring carriages, nor did it employ a coachman, whose duty was performed by one of the sisters. We drove through the forest for a long time and did not notice how the wheeled road began to shorten, giving way to only a path for pedestrians. The sister driving the horse drew our attention to this, saying that it was dangerous to ride further - we could drive into such a thicket that it would be impossible to make a turn, and now, in order to turn, we would have to get off the tarantass and wait until she turns, choosing a more convenient place for this. We immediately went out, and the priest said to me: “While you and I are looking for strawberries.” To this I replied: “What a strawberry, father, at this time! Here she rarely makes it on Peter’s Day, and even in such a wilderness: there are only pine trees and moss.” The priest did not answer, but bent down, as if looking for something on the ground. A few minutes later, the nun, turning her horse, rode up to this place, and the priest came up to me with a bouquet of strawberries picked with stems and, handing them, smiling, said: “So I brought some berries.” I couldn’t believe my eyes and, turning to the nun, said: “We must notice this place; Do strawberries really ripen so early here?” The nun also expressed doubts. However, we noticed the place, and I decided, as soon as we arrived at the monastery, to send the sisters here to look for strawberries, which was done; but, of course, due to the early times and the nature of the soil, no strawberries could be found here. Nevertheless, this place became the subject of everyone's attention, even everyone who came felt it was their duty to visit it, which forced them to put up a cross instead of a driven peg. This is where the name of this monastery, Krestik, originates, since it came into use to say: “We were at the Krestik, let’s go to the Krestik.” Before this Cross, akathists and canons were often read, especially by people who had some kind of sorrow, who then declared that, having prayed there, they found relief. No bad weather, even in winter, prevented those wishing to visit this place. This circumstance forced me to turn to the then Archbishop of Novgorod Theognostus with a request for permission to erect a small chapel with a cell not for anyone to live there, but a chapel for casual visitors, and a cell as a place of rest for me, burdened by the bustle of the authorities, where I could indulge in prayerful focus and silence in the silence of the forest. In 1893, upon the arrival of Fr. John, a chapel with a cell was already ready, where the venerable shepherd retired for his prayerful deeds, sometimes spending most of the day here. In 1898, Archbishop Feognost, while surveying the Leushinsky monastery, visited this chapel. Entering the cell, devoid of any modest decoration, he sat down on a simple wooden bench in front of the same unpainted table, took a deep breath, and tears glistened in his eyes. Then he said: “Mother, what bliss you have here! How easy it is to breathe here!” To this I replied that he also had a bishop’s manor near Novgorod, in which he could retire. But he objected: “Oh, you don’t know: I’m going to the dacha, but things have already rushed me there.” After sitting for a while, he suddenly began to plan: “If only these two windows could be turned into an arch and a small altar could be added - then there would be a church, what bliss!” Not believing my ears with joy, for this was also my cherished dream, I answered him: “Holy Lord! That would be very good! Yes, I didn’t even dare to ask for this, because the church needs a priest. It’s impossible for a regular person to be here, but we’re having a hard time finding a regular elder for the monastery.” To this the bishop said: “Why, why a separate priest? After all, on holidays you should always be in the monastery church with the sisters, and on weekdays, when you want, even a free priest from your two can serve here. If you want, submit a petition - I will allow it; draw at least a small plan for this chapel yourself and how you propose to attach an altar to it. I myself see everything in place and on this basis I can resolve it.” I didn’t know how to thank the bishop, and I hastened to do what was proposed. This was in the month of May. When, in July of the same year, according to custom, Fr. John, I told him about the result of Archbishop Theognostus’ visit to Pustynka. Father John crossed himself and repeated several times: “Glory to Thee, Lord!” When I asked him why he had never previously expressed his desire for a church to be here, he replied: “I have trusted in the Lord, His will be done, not mine; and now He Himself deigns to carry out His holy will.” This is how Pustynka came into being with a church in the name of St. Apostle and Evangelist John the Theologian! In the same year, they began to stockpile timber and all the necessary material for an extension and other fixtures needed for the church. Since the matter was not complicated, the extension was small, then by the next month of July, by the time Fr. John, the church was already ready and, with the blessing of the archbishop, was consecrated by Fr. John in the name of St. Apostle and Evangelist John the Theologian. One of my close acquaintances, a friend from the institute, Elizaveta Pasmurova, worked hard to make a marble throne; she, as well as other acquaintances and benefactors, delivered all the necessary utensils for the church, so that the monastery did not have to burden the monastery with anything, just as the monastery funds did not have to be spent on all the expenses for the extension, since the St. Petersburg merchant U. Sorokina donated 500 rubles for this. To this day, this Hermitage is a favorite place for the entire monastery and its pilgrims, and now, since the death of Fr. John, it will become even more precious and pleasant for all who valued this great and unforgettable shepherd. The church in it is small, adjacent to an equally small room where pilgrims stand in winter; and in the summer they are placed around it in the open air, where, with the windows open, the entire divine service can be clearly heard. There is no bell tower, and there are no bells, except for one 6-pound one, due to lack of funds. Pustynka is located on the south side of the monastery, at a distance of about one mile. There is now a beautiful road built there.