О детях

You are concerned about the time of a difficult birth: it worries and frightens you so much that this prevailing thought prevents you from enjoying every good thing in life, and therefore you want to have some kind of prayer to support yourself. There is an Orthodox tradition that in these cases they resort to the Mother of God, after the name of the icon, Theodorovskaya. Exchange or write for yourself this icon, the celebration of which occurs twice a year: March 14 and August 16 (March 27 and August 29 according to the new style). If you wish, you can perform a home vigil in the evening before these days, and on the very day - a prayer service with an akathist to the Mother of God. If you are diligent, you can do this at other times as you wish. You can daily pray to the Queen of Heaven yourself, reading to Her at least twelve times a day “Rejoice to the Virgin Mary,” even with bows from the waist. Read the kontakion to Her the same number of times: “There are no imams of other help, no imams of other hope, except You, Lady. Help us, we rely on You and we boast in You: for we are Your servants: let us not be ashamed.” Responsibilities of godparents The reception of infants at baptism should not be persistently avoided. We will be judged by the Omniscient God, Who fully knows how much successors can edify spiritual children at the present time. However, they are obliged to often pray for their children, so that the Lord will keep them on the path of piety and not allow them to completely stray from the paths of salvation; and in general, prayer for those close to us should be offered with humility to the Omniscient and Omnipotent God. Where it is impossible to help with deeds and advice, we have a commandment to pray for each other, so that we may be healed. Do not be at all embarrassed by the fact that a male child has been thrown into your home, and do not deviate from your Christian task of providing this child with the help and assistance possible on your part, first in simple upbringing, and if the Lord God prolongs his life and yours, then in Christian instruction, so that you yourself can receive mercy from the Lord for this. The Holy Scripture says: “Blessed is he who has seed in Zion,” that is, blessed is he who will have at least one spiritual child in the eternal triumphant Church of Christ. You write that you can give this child an upbringing in a kind, childless family, helping both him and those who will raise him. You'll do well if you do this... You also write that you can adopt him. I do not advise you to do this formality: but first of all, try to give him a Christian upbringing, and at the same time an education, not high and brilliant, but necessary for business, so that he can be a practical person who can earn his daily bread. And secondly, you can provide him with commensurate monetary capital by depositing this capital in some bank, with the condition that if this child survives to adulthood, then he can receive this capital. If he dies before reaching adulthood, then the local society or local authorities must distribute this capital to widows and orphans at their discretion. Interest on the capital can be received for its upbringing, that is, by those with whom it will be brought up.... You are burdened by the concern of how to give your children a Christian upbringing, and you express this concern like this: “Every day I see from experience that I do not have enough firmness to fulfill my duty according to my conscience, and I feel very unable to mold the soul of a person in the image and likeness of Divine teaching.” The last thought is expressed very strongly and relates more to the assistance and help of God; and it will be enough for you if you take care to raise your children in the fear of God, instill in them the Orthodox concept and, with well-intentioned instructions, protect them from concepts alien to the Orthodox Church. What good you sow in the souls of your children in their youth may later vegetate in their hearts when they come to mature courage, after bitter school and modern trials, which often break off the branches of good Christian home education. Experience established over centuries shows that the sign of the cross has great power over all human actions throughout the entire course of his life. Therefore, it is necessary to take care to instill in children the custom of protecting themselves with the sign of the cross more often, and especially before eating and drinking, going to bed and getting up, before leaving, before going out, and before entering somewhere, and so that children place the sign of the cross not carelessly or in a fashionable way, but with precision, starting from the forehead to the chest, and on both shoulders, so that the cross comes out correctly. ...It doesn’t hurt, in addition to other teachers, if possible, to have a good Russian nanny for yourself: let the other nannies do other parts, and the Orthodox nanny do the Orthodox part, and especially the sign of the cross; ask her about this item. Try as much as possible and to the extent possible to adapt this to the present case according to the circumstances; This should not be completely lost sight of. Protecting oneself with the sign of the cross saved many from great troubles and dangers.... You write: “I would like my husband and I to avoid that disastrous disagreement in the matter of education, which I see in almost all marriages.” Yes, this thing is really sophisticated! But you yourself have noticed that arguing about this in front of children is not useful. Therefore, in case of disagreement, it is better to either evade and leave, or show as if you did not listen; but don’t argue about your different views in front of your children. Advice and discussion about this should be in private, and as calmly as possible, so that it is more effective. However, if you manage to plant the fear of God in the hearts of your children, then various human quirks cannot have such a harmful effect on them. ...You notice in your son dryness or little feeling and other shortcomings. But in childhood, not many people have a true, real feeling: and for the most part it manifests itself at a more mature age, already when a person begins to understand more and experience something in life. Moreover, an excess of inner feeling imperceptibly serves as a reason for secret exaltation and condemnation of others; and lack of feeling and dryness involuntarily humbles a person when he begins to understand this. Therefore, do not be too upset that you notice this shortcoming in your son; over time, perhaps, the inevitable trials in life will awaken the proper feeling in him; but just take care to convey to him, if possible, sound concepts about everything, according to the teachings of the Orthodox Church. You write that until now you yourself have studied with him and went through the sacred history of the Old Testament with him; and you ask how and what to teach him and who to choose for this? Having gone through the Old Testament with him, you yourself must finish this matter, that is, move on to the New Testament; and then begin catechetical teaching. You are afraid that the dryness of the catechism will not add warmth to it. The catechism does not add warmth to anyone; but it is enough that children have correct concepts about dogmas and other subjects of the Orthodox Church. If you want the Orthodox teaching to act on the heart of your son, then read with him the “Orthodox Confession” and the “School of Piety”; and let the teacher of the law teach him according to the catechism accepted in educational institutions. ...You find it difficult to choose and appoint a confessor. In order not to upset your confessor in advance, explain to him everything that you find necessary and useful for your son, with the addition of a request to fulfill it, since in your mind a sacred atmosphere during confession is necessary for a child, although for someone who understands it it does not have any particular meaning. Before confession, you yourself will take care of your son and prepare him for this sacrament as best you can. Make him read the commandments with an explanation before confession. Regarding the correction of his shortcomings, you can sometimes tell him in a half-joking tone: “You are a young prince; do not hit yourself in the face through such actions.” ...You are deeply convinced that for man there is no other source of well-being on earth and eternal bliss in heaven except the Church of Christ, and that everything outside of it is nothing, and you would like to pass on this conviction to your children, so that it would be, as it were, their hidden life; but it seems to you that you have no calling to teach and cannot speak with due strength of conviction about this great subject. As a child-loving mother, pass on information about these subjects to your children as best you can. No one can replace you in this, because you must first explain your concepts and desires to others, and besides, others do not know your children and their spiritual disposition and needs; and at the same time, the mother’s words can have a more effective effect on them than the word of a stranger. The instructions of others act on the mind, but the instructions of a mother act on the heart. If it seems to you that your son knows a lot, understands a lot, but feels little, then, I repeat, do not be upset by this either. And pray to God about this, that he will arrange something useful for your son, as is the news. You write that he has an excellent memory; use this too. Give him, in addition to instructions, soulful stories and ask him from time to time so that he repeats to you as he remembers and understands. Everything that he hears from you will first be stored in his memory and mind, and then, with the help of God, with the assistance of experiences in life, it can turn into feeling. You complain that your mother distracts you from studying with your son. You can explain to her directly that your son’s benefit requires that you work with him; and she, like a reasonable grandmother, of course, should condescend to you in this without grief. I repeat: calling on God’s help, act on what has been said as best you can, as the Lord instructs you and as you can, without hesitating and fearing nothing. You want to have a handwritten line from me, calling yourself my spiritual daughter. If so, then listen to what your spiritual father tells you. If you want to be prosperous in your life, then try to live according to the commandments of God, and not according to simple human customs. For the Lord says through the prophet Isaiah: “If you listen to Me (that is, by fulfilling the commandments of God), then you will destroy the good land” (Is. 1:19). The main commandment is in the promise: “Honor your father... and mother... that it may go well with you and that you may live long on earth” (Ex. 20:12). Inappropriate antics or outbursts in front of parents are never excused. A wise word is passed around among people: eggs don’t teach a chicken. At a young age, one must first teach and admonish oneself by guarding one’s eyes, curbing one’s tongue, and in general by good and modest behavior and treatment of others, repelling from oneself even thoughts that are illegal and ungodly, because people look only at the face, but God looks at the heart; and our fate depends on it, both in the present and in the future life. Do not judge or condemn anyone, and you yourself will avoid condemnation from God. Finally, remember and never forget the terrible word of the Lord: “If anyone is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, I will be ashamed of him when I come to the glory of My Father with the holy angels.”... The Scripture says about respect for elders: “Do not do dirty tricks to an old man” (1 Tim. 5:1). Moreover, children are obliged to honor their parents in every possible way, trying to reassure them with everything that is not contrary to the commandments of God... My opinion regarding reading activities is to first of all occupy the young mind with Sacred History and reading the lives of saints, by choice, imperceptibly sowing in it the seeds of the fear of God and Christian life; and it is especially necessary, with God’s help, to be able to instill in him how important it is to keep God’s commandments and what disastrous consequences come from violating them. All this can be deduced from the example of our ancestors, who ate from the forbidden tree and were therefore expelled from paradise. Krylov’s fables can be left for the time being, but for now, keep the child busy learning by heart some prayers, the Creed and selected psalms, for example: “I live in the help of the Most High” (Ps. 90), “The Lord is my enlightenment” (Ps. 26) and the like. The main thing is that the child is occupied to the best of his abilities and directed towards the fear of God. From this everything is good and good, as well as on the contrary - idleness and failure to instill in children the fear of God are the cause of all evils and misfortunes. Without instilling the fear of God, no matter what you do with your children, it will not bring the desired fruits in terms of good morality and a well-ordered life. When the fear of God is instilled, every activity is good and useful. Special subtleties and precautions are not entirely appropriate. We need to conduct business more simply, with the hope of God’s help, which we should always ask for. When you read spiritual books without direction, you are afraid that you will fall into some wrong thoughts and wrong opinions. Your fear is very reasonable. Therefore, if you do not want spiritual disaster, do not indiscriminately read any new works, even if they have spiritual content, but by such writers who have not confirmed their teachings with the holiness of life; and read the works of such fathers who are recognized by the Orthodox Church as firmly known and without a doubt edifying and soul-saving. In order not to lose firm Orthodoxy, take the book “Orthodox Confession” by Peter Mogila as a guide for yourself and your children. Examine it with attention and diligence, and keep what is written there firmly in your memory, so that you yourself know well the matter of your salvation, and know what needs to be said and pointed out to your children at the appropriate time. The second book of this kind will be the Chronicle or the 4th part of the works of St. Demetrius of Rostov. Read after it and other parts of his works not only for guidance regarding right opinions and understandings, but also for guidance in life itself, in order to know and be able to know how to act in a purely Christian manner, according to Orthodox decrees. For the same purpose, read the book of Abba Dorotheus, which is rightly called the mirror of the soul. This mirror will show everyone not only his actions, but also the very movements of his heart. During fasting and especially on fasting days, it is decent and useful to read the works of Ephraim the Syrian in Russian translation, choosing chapters on repentance. The rest of his works can be read at any time; It also doesn’t hurt to repeat the chapters on repentance. In order to become more established in Orthodox concepts, I would advise you to read with attention and diligence all the works of the new saint of God, Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk. Although their style is heavy, when reading, try to pay your attention more to the thoughts and to the proposed Christian rules. Reading two Russian luminaries, St. Demetrius of Rostov and St. Tikhon of Zadonsk, will clarify a lot for you and confirm a lot for you. To this add the words of the Apostle Paul: “Do not attach yourself to strange and different teachings: for it is good to strengthen hearts by grace, and not waste, from which those who walked in them received no benefit” (Heb. 13:9). And in another place: “If we, or an angel from heaven, bring you more good news than we bring you with good news, let him be accursed” (Gal. 1:8). Hold tightly to this testimony and do not agree to accept any new teachings, no matter how plausible they may be, imitating one who knows well all the signs and signs of pure silver, who quickly notices the admixture of any ligature and rejects impure silver... Having established yourself in the Orthodox teaching, first read all spiritual journals, with the indicated analysis, and then choose the one that suits your spirit more... Sometimes children need to give in I don’t know how our words affected him, but we talked quite a lot and diligently with him about various subjects. The fruits of our conversations at home will actually be more visible to you: one is words, another is reality itself, which is usually expressed in a person’s actions and actions. Then let us know how your common life goes. I didn’t understand well, because I don’t fully understand the commercial course of affairs; and N expressed his desire to me like this: “If mummy gave me annual interest on at least 50,000, then it would be more fun for me to deal with the general course of affairs: since with these interest rates I would begin to test the profits myself and show mummy my experience of how good or bad it would actually turn out.” He will explain this to you better, and you will find this assumption, whether it is convenient or not, figure it out for yourself; and whatever you find better, do so. But it seems, due to his character, that he needs to give in a little. Glory and thanks to the Lord that N himself is pleased with his trip to Optina, and you notice at least some change for the better in him. Say that I wrote to you that you need to give in to your son more, but that you gave in to him so much that it’s impossible to do more. I didn’t understand this... but I wrote that sometimes you have to give in to him. That is, I understood that I should yield to him, condescending to his character, in petty matters, when and where no harm was foreseen from this. And where you find his desires incompatible with the matter, you can, on occasion, explain your thoughts to him.... Teach children and learn from them You are obliged to teach children, and from children you yourself must learn, according to what was said from the Lord Himself: “unless... you are like children, you will not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven” (Matthew 18:3). And the holy Apostle Paul interpreted it this way: “Do not be children in your mind, but be childish in malice; Keep your minds perfect" (1 Cor. 14:20). I wish you to achieve this measure with all my heart. If we fall short of this perfection, then we must humble ourselves with all our hearts, so as not to lose God’s mercy to us, according to what is said in the psalms: “I humble myself, and the Lord saves me” (Ps. 115:5)... On the impermanence of the desires of the young You write that you want to marry your only son and he is not averse to marriage, that there are many worthy brides, but none suits his taste. This is generally the direction of today's young people and this is their taste, which is difficult to satisfy, because they themselves often do not know what they want. What will such people like and feel? Life experience and faith correct such souls and feelings. And that’s why it’s difficult to reason with him now. He cannot believe either you or anyone else until he experiences the lightness of his judgment and feelings in practice. He threatens you to leave your home somewhere far away or go to an office. Let him leave the house, just don’t let him go far, but let him live somewhere, if not in front of your eyes, then with friends or with a reliable person who could keep him from self-will. Having lived in the hands of others, he will be more likely to appreciate your shelter and maternal care. And if you marry him now, given his mental state, there will hardly be any use in the marriage. You are asking for my sinful advice and blessing to enter into a legal marriage with the bride you have chosen. If you are healthy and she is healthy, you like each other and the bride is of trustworthy behavior, and the mother has a good, uncomplaining character, then you can marry her. ...If the son is healthy, and has not promised to become a monk, and wants to get married, then it is possible. God bless. And to be more humble, then look. If the mother of the bride is humble, then the bride should be humble, because according to the old proverb: “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” You have found some bride for N that you like. And you're waiting for my sinful blessing to get things started. Upon receipt of my letter, repeat your information about the bride in order to get to know her in detail, and if she really turns out to be good, then God will bless you to start this business... And in conclusion I will add everything. It can be completely good only when we, for our part, try to be good, as required of us by God’s commandments. The Holy Martyr Justin, as stated in ancient legends, says that our Lord Jesus Christ during His earthly life was engaged in dividing the plow and the yoke, meaning that people must work and bear the burden fairly and equally with others, just as harnessed oxen evenly bear their yoke: if one of the two lags behind, then it will be more difficult for the other. If the spouses evenly, in a Christian way, shared the burden of their lives, then people would live well on earth. But since spouses are often resilient, both or one of the two, our well-being is earthly and does not strengthen.... Don't leave your son idle If you yourself intend to take care of the tasks at hand, and you are thinking of giving your son and wife some support, then I would advise you, so that your son is not completely idle, buy property for him, so that he is engaged in at least some kind of farming, so that he does not be idle and idle, because idleness is the beginning and the cause of many vices and much evil. God help you! Be patient, accepting it as from the hand of God. How to get used to serious activities You ask how to accustom your pet to serious activities, but you yourself realize the difficulty of your task. It is especially tricky to advise from afar when you do not know how our words will be received. First suggest that they make day out of day, and night out of night, and when you succeed in this, then you can think about something else. And in general, taking into account the circumstances, do what you can, calling on God’s help and assistance from above from the Lord, who wants everyone to be saved and to come to the mind of truth. In good moments, you can tell your pet that as a Christian, in addition to magazines, she should read spiritual books and not take the word of any nonsense indiscriminately: that you can be born from dust and that people were monkeys. But it is true that many people began to imitate monkeys and humiliate themselves to the point of monkeys. When you can’t go to Church on weekdays, get up early and read something prayerful for your consolation. Do not be embarrassed by your uncertain situation, but wait patiently for God’s Providence to arrange for you. I hear that you wrote a spiritual will in which you assigned a larger share of the capital to two sons and a smaller share to the other two sons. When writing a spiritual testament, you should remember the apostolic word: “be imitators of God, like beloved children” (Eph. 5:1); because God commanded those who came at the tenth hour to give an equal share with those who worked from the twelfth hour of life, without remembering, as if he were kind, the opposition and anger of the latter. Moreover, the Lord Himself in the Gospel teaching exhorts everyone, saying: “If you forgive men their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. If you do not forgive men their trespasses, your Father will not forgive you your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). Consider carefully this great word of the Lord in your present painful situation: will you not have a good desire to change your spiritual will, assigning equal shares to all children... And such confusion will not give peace to your soul in the next century. That’s how I think, I’m a sinner, and I’m writing you my poor advice. You yourself will consider this matter again, and, having discussed it sensibly, do what will be beneficial to both your soul and all your children... Mother grieving over her son's unbelief Having once given alms to a beggar for the health of your son, you were embarrassed when he began to pray for his repose. Don't be embarrassed by this. From a mistake or misunderstanding of a beggar, nothing negative could and cannot happen to your son, and nothing greater and better can be wished for than to be worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven in due time. And that in your grief for your son you sometimes thought that it would be better for him to die than to live the way he lives - reproach yourself for this and with full faith surrender both yourself and your son to the will of the All-Good and All-Wise God. If the Lord saves someone’s days, then he does good; if he interrupts someone’s life, then he does good again, and in general, according to the word of the Holy Church, the Lord, with the depth of wisdom, humanely arranges everything and gives useful things to everyone. And therefore, for a person there is nothing better and more useful than devotion to the will of God, but God’s destinies are incomprehensible to us. You realize that many of you are to blame for not being able to raise your son as he should. Self-reproach is useful, but realizing your guilt, you must humble yourself and repent, and not be embarrassed and despair. Also, you should not be very alarmed by the thought that you alone are the involuntary cause of your son’s current situation. This is not entirely true: every person is gifted with free will and is more responsible for himself and will have to answer before God. Are you asking if you should write to your son at random in Moscow and how to write to him in order to touch his heart? Write to him briefly first to find out where he is now, and when you find out, you can write in more detail. You can then tell him that he has now probably experienced with his own experience what atheism and freethinking lead to, that, striving for unbridled freedom, he forgot that sin, especially annoyance to parents, resulted in slavery, which had never existed on earth before, etc. Having prayed to God, write what the Lord puts on your heart.... And in general, you should now not so much care about admonishing him, but rather pray for him, so that the Lord Himself, Who knows the message of destinies, will admonish him. Great is the power of maternal prayer. Remember from what depths of evil Blessed Augustine was brought out by the prayer of his pious mother. And when you pray for your son, pray for yourself, so that the Lord will forgive you for what you have sinned out of ignorance. You describe how difficult your real single life is. Accept this as the gospel cross, thank God, who sent it to you for the benefit of your soul and for the cleansing of sins, from which no one living on earth is free. For your consolation and edification, read chapters from the beginning of the fifth to the eleventh in the Gospel of Matthew. Mother grieving her daughter's illness A long, long time ago I received a letter from you in which you wrote to me, among other circumstances, about the illness of your daughter S. But then the letter did not express great sorrow about this. Now I hear that you are grieving beyond measure, seeing the suffering of your sick daughter. Indeed, it is humanly impossible for a mother not to grieve when she sees her little daughter in such suffering and suffering day and night. Despite this, you must remember that you are a Christian who believes in a future life and a future blessed reward not only for labors, but also for voluntary and involuntary suffering, and therefore should not be unreasonably cowardly and grieve beyond measure, like pagans or unbelievers who do not recognize either future eternal bliss or future eternal torment. No matter how great the involuntary sufferings of your daughter, little S., they still cannot be compared with the voluntary sufferings of the martyrs; if they are equal, then she will receive a blissful state equal to them in the heavenly villages. However, we should not forget the tricky present times, in which even small children receive mental damage from what they see and what they hear; and therefore purification is required, which does not happen without suffering; spiritual cleansing for the most part occurs through bodily suffering. Let's assume that there was no mental damage. But you should still know that heavenly bliss is not given to anyone without suffering. Look: do infants also pass into the future life without illness or suffering? I am writing this not because I would like the death of the suffering little S.; but actually to console you and for correct admonition and real conviction, so that you do not grieve unreasonably and without measure. No matter how much you love your daughter, know that our All-Good Lord loves her more than you, who provides for our salvation in every way. He Himself testifies about His love for each of the believers in Scripture, saying: “Even if... the woman forgets her child, I will not forget you” (Isaiah 49:15). Therefore, try to moderate your grief for your sick daughter, casting this sorrow on the Lord: as He wants and deigns, so He will do to us according to His goodness. I advise you to communicate with your sick daughter with a preliminary confession. Ask your confessor to question her more prudently during confession. I wish your sick daughter and husband, by the will of God, recovery; and to you and the other children - the mercy of the Lord and a peaceful stay. You might be interested in: