35. Продолжение. Поверка расположений сердца. Определение главного характера, или духа, своей жизни

I continue. The second side of life is the disposition, or mood and inclination of the heart. Actions do not yet provide complete knowledge of themselves. You need to go deeper into yourself and consider what your heart is like - and pay more attention to this than to your actions. It may happen, for example, that another person turns out to be intractable (will not help another) by accident, even though he has a merciful heart. But the other one won’t give right away, not by chance, but because he suffers from stinginess. In appearance, both cases are the same, but in terms of the internal mood of those involved, there is a big difference between them. Actions are single actions at this hour and in this place, and dispositions mean the constant moods of the heart, which determine the character and disposition of a person and where his greatest desires and directions of his affairs come from. The good ones are called virtues, and the bad ones are called vices, vicious inclinations and passions. What dispositions a Christian should have in his heart are indicated by the sayings of Christ the Savior about the beatitudes (Matthew 5:3-12), namely: humility, contrition, meekness, love of truth and love of truth, mercy, sincerity, peace and patience. The Holy Apostle Paul indicates the following Christian dispositions of the heart, as the fruits of the Holy Spirit: “love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, mercy, faith, meekness, self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23). Elsewhere: “Put on... as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, in the womb of generosity, kindness, humility, meekness and long-suffering, accepting one another and forgiving yourself, if anyone blames anyone: just as Christ forgave you, so do you. Over all these [acquire] love, which is the basis of perfection: and let the peace of God dwell in your hearts, in the same place and in one body: and be grateful” (Col. 3:12-15). The opposite dispositions are vices or passions - the sources of all bad deeds that destroy us. The most important of them are: pride, vanity, self-interest, intemperance, anger, hatred, envy, laziness, passion for sensual pleasures, despondency, despair. About them, the Apostle laid down the law that Christians not only should not have them, but even that there should not even be a mention of them among them: “...let him be named among you” (Eph. 5:3). See how strict it is! So, if you please, take a good look to see if there are any bad inclinations or passions. Everyone has a little bit of each of them, but they are not deep and not constant. Otherwise, everyone has one main passion, around which all others hover. This is the one you should take care to find most of all. Although it is not yet completely obvious, due to your youth, all traces of it should be tangible if you look closely. Having found it, and then distribute the others, which one is closer to it, which one is further away. And you will understand the structure of your heart. Precious acquisition! Because when, following this, you set out to cleanse yourself of passions and bad inclinations, then you will see where to direct your efforts and blows - namely, towards your main passion. When you defeat her, then all the others will scatter on their own: just like in a war, having defeated the main forces of the enemy, you just have to drive the others and finish them off without difficulty. Things are easy to fix. Don't do it - that's all. But it’s not suddenly possible to break a heart and fix it. There is a struggle ahead. In a fight, if you don’t know where to direct your blows, you can become exhausted, floundering uselessly, and not achieve any success. Work hard! The third side of life is the spirit of life. This is the most important and, at the same time, the most difficult thing. An unkind spirit can be so cunning and so able to disguise itself with the guise of kindness and appropriateness that one must have the sharpest spiritual vision in order to notice it. But the good spirit is obvious, for it is one and singular - namely, to live for God, everything is put aside. The opposite spirit is to live for oneself (egoism). This spirit very often, if not always, takes on the side direction of living for the world. So, if we assume that living for someone means the spirit of life, then it will not be surprising for you to determine the spirit of your life by determining for whom you live or, as you are just beginning to live, for whom you want to live more, what you are striving for in your heart, to whom you are more disposed to devote your life. Determine the spirit of your life by its nature, even though it is only in embryo or exists as a weak chick. He who lives for God has a God-fearing spirit, trying to please the One God. He who only lives for himself has a spirit of life that is self-indulgent, selfish, selfish, or carnal. He who lives for the world has a peace-loving or vain spirit. Look at these features to see what kind of spirit breathes in you. Judging by the way you rushed with a desire to draw closer to God, we must assume that your main spirit is a good, real spirit, as it should be. Judging again by the fact that you have so unfriendly met the secular order of life, in which the spirit of the world, one must assume that this spirit has no place and power in you, although it can overwhelm you if you are not careful. It remains doubtful whether there is an egoistic spirit. I think there is, although I don’t know to what extent. Let there be, but since you rushed with a desire to get closer to God, but your soul does not belong to the world, then your egoistic spirit will soon evaporate if you give space to your heart to flare up more and more with a desire for God. Please take this into account. So you see what you have to do, and do it. At first glance this seems like a huge undertaking, but in essence it is simple and easy. By praying to God, take it, and you can determine everything in one evening. Don’t go overseas, but disassemble what’s inside you. However, do not put this off until that evening, after which confession follows. No, now start this, from the very beginning of the fast. Little by little you will find out everything more thoroughly and clearly. It may be difficult only this time. But if you then begin to live according to the attraction of your good spirit, then life itself will lead you to even more complete self-knowledge. For why, for the most part, do we not know ourselves? Because we live carelessly. Let's assume that you have reconsidered yourself well and found many faults in yourself on all sides. What's next? What use should be made of this knowledge? I will write to you about this next time. You might be interested in: