О падении посвященной девственницы

1. Why, soul, do you remain silent? Why are you worried about thinking? Why don’t you strive to pour out and express in words the impulse of your thoughts in order to receive (thus) some consolation? If you openly state the crime you committed, then this, of course, will be like a cure for your illness. After all, even a swollen ulcer, when it is opened and freed from pus, brings relief to the disease. 2. Hear me now, you who are near, and you who stand afar, and you who fear the Lord, and who rejoice in the joy of His Church, and who grieve over its sorrow, as it is written: “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). To you, I say, I appeal - to you, who observe the true love of Christ, to you, who do not express joy in the face of misfortune, but, on the contrary, mourn it. Hear the words of my mouth, judge what comes from (my) righteous sorrow, be horrified with me at the extraordinary nature of the discovered crime. 3. A virgin from a noble family, who dedicated herself to Christ, is prudent, well-mannered - and suddenly falls into the ditch of indecency: she conceived illness and gave birth to iniquity (Ps. 7:15), she destroyed herself and dishonored the Church. This circumstance has inflicted a grave wound on every Christian soul; in fact, the shrine was given to the dogs, and the pearls were cast down before swine (Matthew 7:6); the holy name is torn to pieces by violent people and the precious vow of chastity is trampled upon by unclean and dirty (persons). 4. This is why my soul is troubled, this is why I grieve inconsolably; after all, one bad (action) carries along with it a lot of good; and the cloud of one sinner darkened almost the entire light of the Church. So, I will turn to the prophetic voice and with tears I will say: “Listen to me, all nations, and look at my sorrow: my virgins and my youths have gone into captivity.” Truly this is captivity when souls caught in sin are led to death and subjected to the dominion of the devil. 5. So, now my speech is to you, to you, the culprit and cause of these evils, to you, infinitely unhappy, who, along with the glory of virginity, has lost his name; indeed, it is criminal to be called Susanna by one who is not chaste; You cannot be called a lily, since you are no longer a lily. Where to start, what to tell me before and what after? Should you list the blessings you have lost, or mourn the evils you have gained? 6. You were a virgin in God's paradise; In any case, you were among the flowers of the Church; you were the bride of Christ, you were the church of God, you were the abode of the Holy Spirit. And so, as many times as I have named sacred objects, you must weep so many times, since you are no longer what you were. You walked in the Church like that dove about which it is written: “The wing of the dove is silvered and its interspace is glittering with gold” (Ps. 67:14). When you performed with a clear conscience, you shone like silver, you shone like gold. You were like a radiant star in the hand of the Lord, you were not afraid of any wind, no enemy (belli) clouds. 7. And what is this unexpected transformation? What is this sudden change? From a virgin of God you became the corruption of Satan, from the bride of Christ - a vile harlot, from the church of God - a church of uncleanness, from the abode of the Holy Spirit - an abode of the devil. You, who performed confidently like a dove, are now hiding in the darkness like a lizard. You, who shone with the beauty of virginity like gold, have now become worse (vilior) than the dirt of the streets, so that even the feet of the wicked trample you. Having been a radiant star in the hand of the Lord, you (now) seem to have fallen from the heights of heaven: your light went out, and you turned into coal. 8. Woe to you, unfortunate one, twice woe to you, who has destroyed so many blessings for the sake of short-term pleasure? What hope does the Lord Christ have left for you, since you have cast down His members and made them the members of a harlot? Then now the Holy Spirit will visit you when you have rejected Him, but He even withdraws from unclean thoughts? 9. But let us turn to human (relations) and through them we recognize those divine (unions). Look: which saint - man or woman - will not be afraid to approach you? Open your eyes, if you can; lift up your forehead, if you dare; look boldly at any of the saints. Doesn’t the consciousness of a perfect deed sink and weigh down your face like lead? Isn’t there darkness and terrible gloom before your eyes? Doesn't fear and trembling shake your soul and limbs? 10. So, if you, covered with such grave shame, cannot look at people clothed in flesh and guilty of some sin, then what will you do in the face of the holy apostles? What will you do in the face of Elijah, Daniel and the host of all the other prophets? What will you do in front of John? What will you do in the presence of Mary, Thekla, Agnes and in general before the immaculate face of chastity? What will you finally do in the face of the holy angels? Will you not burn, being struck as if by lightning by the splendor and radiance of (all these) immaculate ones? 11. Perhaps you will say: I could not abstain, since I am clothed with mortal flesh. But blessed Thekla with her countless accomplices will answer you to this: we too are clothed with the same flesh and, however, our firm vow to maintain chastity could not weaken the frailty of the flesh and overcome the cruelty of the tormentors with various tortures. And in fact, the flesh cannot lose its innocence unless the thought is corrupted in advance. Consequently, the soul itself will be subject to accusation, which in lustful desires precedes the flesh. 12. But you will say: I did not want this evil, but I was subjected to violence. And the glorious Susanna, whose name you unworthily bear, will answer you: “I was in the hands of two elders and even judges of the people, I was left alone among the trees of the garden, and yet they could not defeat me, because I did not want to. How could you have suffered violence from one worthless young man, and moreover, in the middle of the city, unless it was because you voluntarily wished to defile yourself? And who heard your screams? Who saw your resistance? But besides all this, at least after suffering violence, you had to announce the crime, if not to others, then at least to your parents or your sisters. If you were to bring the enemy of your chastity (to the court of) society, then this would already serve as an excuse for (your) misfortune, and for (your) conscience it would be a complete justification. 13. However, maybe you were ashamed that many people would find out about your rape. But why should you be afraid of this particular circumstance, in which your fear manifested itself, obviously, only in those forms so that, thanks to silence, you could have frequent communication with the adulterer? Let it be so: shame prevented you from confessing. But what can you say about the second (case) of fornication, what about the third, what about the constant maintenance of this vile union? Enough, enough for you to refer to fictitious violence, enough for you to cite shame as your justification, when so many times you gave your members, dedicated to Christ, to the most criminal fornicator for the desecration of their entrails. 14. The soul is horrified, the soul trembles, the mind languishes when it comes to (depicting) the beginning of the crime. After all, even a doctor, even if he has a strong spirit, when he cuts a wound that is too deep, I believe, experiences horror to some extent. Oh, lost one, don’t you understand that the paths of justification are blocked from everywhere for you? Don’t you feel how much evil criminal passion has brought into both body and soul? 15. This was not the shame your father expected from you, who saw his special glory in you. Your mother, who in your virginity found consolation for the torment of your birth, did not believe that you would bring her this sadness and these tears. And your brothers and sisters did not expect this dishonor from you; you have seriously wounded them all, as if with one (swing) of the sword of your crime. 16. If you, according to the common fate of all, died, then your parents would mourn you with slight (modicum) regret, and at the same time they would rejoice greatly that they presented to the Lord an immaculate virgin, a living sacrifice, that is, a prayer book for sins. And now they are crying that you are dead, although you are not dead; they even grieve for a living, but already deprived life. In any case, you are dead to the glory of virginity, and alive to the shameful shame. 17. The father is angry with his womb, from which you were conceived; and the mother curses her womb, from which you, unfortunately, were born. They do not even find the measure of their grief; they seem to have only one consolation that neither father nor mother forced or forced you to take a vow of virginity, which you took solely of your own free will. After all, I know that when your parent pointed out great difficulties to you, when he reminded you of the thorny path of maintaining virginity, you not only stubbornly stood your ground, but even said that you had been given terrible revelations. 18. So, to the extent that they expected a reward for themselves for not opposing your intention, so much, you understand, unfortunate one, the severity of your condemnation increases; After all, you did not keep what you promised voluntarily. And with what rings did this most insidious snake bind you? What poisons did the one who deceived Eve poison you with (Gen. 3:6), striking you with such great blindness and bringing such great oblivion to your soul? 19. Have you really not remembered the day of the Holy Resurrection of the Lord, when you lifted yourself up to the Divine altar to receive the veil? At the numerous and so solemn meeting of the Church of God, you, as if for marriage with the Tsar, came forward in the brilliance of the newly enlightened lights, among the heirs of the Kingdom of Heaven clothed in white robes. Nor did you remember the words that were spoken to you on that holy day: look, daughter, and see, maiden, “and your people and your father’s house will forget, and the king will desire your kindness; for that is your Lord” (Ps. 44:11-12). Remember how many people came to the marriage of your Bridegroom and Lord. You should have maintained the fidelity that you promised in front of so many witnesses, (you should have) always thought about Him to whom you promised virginity. You should have shed blood and given up your spirit rather than destroy your chastity. 20. After these words spoken on the day of your dedication, and after numerous testimonies of your chastity, you were covered with a sacred veil, and then all the people, signing your dowry not in ink, but in spirit, unanimously exclaimed “Amen.” Tears choke me when I remember this; I am tormented when I think about these human examples. After all, if after the engagement and after the conclusion of marriage, even in the presence of ten witnesses, every woman united in marriage with a mortal husband, not without great danger, commits adultery, then (what should be said) about the fact that such a spiritual union is violated by adultery, which was concluded in the presence of countless witnesses of the Church, in the face of angels and (all in general) the heavenly armies? I don’t know if it’s even possible to come up with a death or punishment that would be a worthy retribution for such a (crime)? 21. Someone will say: “It is better to get married than to get inflamed” (1 Cor. 7:9). (But) these words concern one who has not yet made a promise, who has not yet put the veil on herself. The same one who was promised to Christ and accepted the sacred veil has already entered into marriage, has already been united with an immortal husband. And if she wants to get married even according to the general law of marriage, then even then she commits adultery and becomes a servant of death. If this is so, then what needs to be said about the one who defiles herself with shameful fornication secretly and secretly, and at the same time appears to be what she is not? In appearance she is a virgin, but in reality she is no longer a virgin; she commits adultery: both in deed and in pretence. 22. But I turn to you again, having forgotten such great blessings and become the abode of such great evils. How come, during this shameful act, did you not think of the dress of a virgin, the procession to the Church in the midst of virgin faces? How did your eyes not close from the light of the night vigils, how did the singing of spiritual chants not reach your ears, and how did the power of heavenly readings not strengthen your thoughts? After all, in them the apostle very loudly calls to you: “flee fornication, for every sin that a man commits is nothing but his body, but a fornicator sins in his own body” (1 Cor. 6:18). But by saying: “into his body,” he at the same time shows that he also sins against Christ. For he adds: “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit living in you, which you have from God, and carry your own; For having been bought with a great price, glorify and bear God in all your bodies” (1 Cor. 6:19-20). And in another place he says: “Fornication and all uncleanness... let it be called lower among you, as it becomes saints” (Eph. 5:3). And putting aside all flattery, he sets forth the following teaching: “For this,” he says, “let you know that everyone who is fornicator, or impure, or covetous... will not have any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God” (Eph. 5:5). 23. Didn’t even these great and terrible (words) come to your mind when your members rushed to this vile act? No, deadly oblivion plunged you, as it were, into the deepest abyss, and vile lust attracted you like a captive. 24. Shouldn’t you have at least remembered that place, fenced off with boards, on which you stood in the church, and to which, seeking your kisses, pious and noble mothers (matronae), more holy and worthy than you, hurried vying with each other? Shouldn't you have at least remembered those commandments that were presented to your eyes by the inscription on the wall itself: “There is a difference between a married woman and a girl: an unmarried woman cares about the Lord, how can she be holy in both body and spirit” (1 Cor. 7:33-34)? And you perverted these words: you thought and acted in such a way as to be holy neither in body nor in spirit: in body because of fornication, and in spirit because of falsely giving yourself the name of virginity. 25. Oh, shame! Usually rumor follows deed, but rumor about you preceded your bad deed. After all, when three years ago some vague rumor spread about you, you, pointing out your innocence, publicly in church demanded punishment for those who spread such slander. What excitement (then) did I experience? What kind of hardships did your father endure to (restore) your good name when, in order to find the culprit of the bad rumor, we interrogated and brought to justice each one individually? After all, for us and for all good (people) it was unbearably difficult (to hear) when something shameful was said about the virgin of God or they believed it. 26. And you were not afraid of this, and you did not have this in mind, so as not to give your enemies the opportunity to be imbued with joy and not to offend those who cared about your (good) name. You are too impudent, too reckless, even your conscience does not frighten you: by pretending to be a virgin, you thus think that you can deceive even God. But He said this: “nothing is covered that cannot be revealed” (Matthew 10:26); and you, he says, do it in secret, but I will reward you openly. And here He, Whom it is impossible to deceive, made the secret crime obvious, He revealed the works of your darkness (denudavit) in the face of the sun. 27. And the further the speech drags on, the more terrible the circumstances of the case become: with all our desire to soften them, we do not find an opportunity. You forgot the vow, you forgot your parents, you forgot the whole Church, you forgot the glory of virginity, you forgot the honor of the title, you forgot even the promise of the kingdom, you forgot the Last Judgment; you indulged in corruption, you bore the fruit of shame; and the end (of all this) will be the most cruel death and eternal destruction. 28. And, of course, you have no reason to complain about our negligence. In everything that pertains to the duties of a shepherd, neither you nor anyone else was refused. Spiritual love was shown, there was no lack of holy instruction. You, as it is written, having forgotten your father’s house, entered the monastery of virgins (ad monasterium virginale). Having placed yourself among so many (ascetics), you, I say, not only had to gain security here for yourself, but even be a protector for others. But both precautions were in vain. 29. In vain did I even compose (exposui) a hymn about virginity, so that you would sing in it both the glory of the vow and equally the life according to it. I sowed near the road, I sowed among thorns, I sowed on rocky soil; after all, either the birds, that is, demons, stole my words from your heart, or they were drowned out by your evil thoughts, or they dried up from too much heat of passions (Luke 14:5 et seq.). Alas for me! where I thought to acquire gold, silver, precious stones, there, it turned out, I was working on flammable materials - firewood, hay, straw! I, too, will say in the words of the prophet: “Oh, be cruel to me! as soon as they gathered sludge at the harvest” (Mic. 7:1). 30. And, of course, if you had harmed only yourself, then even then there would have been (for us) sadness, and (only), perhaps less. But now, how many souls have you inflicted a grievous wound with your crime, how many souls have you made repent of your intention? How many lips, even of the faithful, have been defiled by blaspheming the way of the Lord? Paganism has opened its mouth on us; In view of your shame, the Jewish Synagogue rejoiced over the holy Church. 31. If the one who has tempted even one should, having tied a millstone to him, be thrown into the depths of the sea (Matthew 18:6), then what can you say about yourself, whose crime has inflicted a wound on every soul and has blasphemed the name of the Lord among the pagans? Does not the severity of (your) iniquity increase as many times as the word “O virgins” is pronounced? Here you lie wounded, here you lie overthrown. 32. I wish to benefit you, but I cannot come to your aid, for “every head is in pain and every heart is in sorrow. From the feet even to the head, - as Isaiah says, - ... there is no plaster to apply” (Is. 1: 5-6). Your illness excludes any possibility of human medical assistance. And although both good and evil, driven by just indignation, you, worthy of all punishment, would be condemned to be tortured by all kinds of torture, to be put to death, or to be burned by fire; but I, knowing that even more severe torments are reserved for the wicked, and that infinitely wicked souls await torment, and not even temporary, but eternal; - (knowing this), I want you to be tormented by other sufferings, precisely those that will not destroy your soul, but will benefit it. 33. So, I will give (you) advice consistent with divine teaching; namely: try the one and only medicine that, through the prophet Ezekiel, the divine voice offers to the unfortunate: “I do not want,” he says, “the death of a sinner, but to be converted... and I live to be him” (Ezek. 33:11). And after this the Lord says: I said: look at Me. “Or is there ritina in Gilead? or is there a doctor there? Why is it that the wound of the daughter of my people was healed” (Jeremiah 8:22)? These words undoubtedly have a repentant meaning; with this saying of God sinners are called to repentance; for repentance is as necessary for the fallen as medical care is necessary for the wounded. 34. But how great and how necessary do you think repentance is for you? (Of course) one that would be either equal to or greater than a crime. So, see if this sin consists of adultery alone, or perhaps it is aggravated by the murder that is rumored to have been secretly committed - and the strength of (your) repentance should be proportionate to the severity of the sin lying on your conscience. This repentance should not be in words, but in deeds. This will be when you clearly imagine from what glory you have fallen, and from which book of life your name has been blotted out - when you are sure that you are already standing on the very edge of pitch darkness, where there will be endless crying of eyes and gnashing of teeth. (And so) when, on the basis of reliable evidence, you are convinced that the treacherous soul will necessarily be given over to the torments of Tartarus and the fire of Gehenna, and that after a single baptism we are not given any other cure except reconciliation in the (sacrament of) repentance, you must be ready to endure any sorrow, any labor, just to get rid of eternal torment (aeternalibus poenis) 35. So, thinking about this with yourself and discussing it with your thoughts, you yourself be the strictest judge of your actions. Firstly, you must destroy in yourself all concern for this life, and, considering yourself as if dead, which you really are, at the same time think about how you can come to life. Next, you must put on the garment of sorrow, and punish the mind and limbs, each separately, with appropriate punishment. Hair, which, due to vain vanity, has given you a reason for licentiousness, must be cut off. The eyes, not without passion, looked at the man, should be shed with tears. Your face, once covered with unchaste paint, should be pale. Finally, may your whole body be exhausted by labors and fasts, may it, sprinkled with ashes and covered with hair shirt, take on an ugly appearance, for you have made bad use of your beauty. Let (your) heart melt away like wax, let it torture itself with fasting and be cleansed by thinking about why it was overthrown by the enemy. Let the feeling also torment itself, because, having once dominated the body, it bowed to the evil will. 36. If such a life, such repentance lasts, then (the fallen) will gain the courage to hope, if not for glory, then at least for freedom from punishment; for the Lord says: Turn to Me, and I will turn to you. “Turn yourselves... with all your heart in fasting, and in weeping, and in mourning... rend your hearts, and not your garments... for he is merciful and generous” (Joel 2:12-13). By turning in this way (to God), the great David was justified (2 Sam. 12:13), and thus the wicked city of Nineveh was saved from the destruction that threatened it (Jon. 3:5). So, if a sinner does not spare himself, then God will spare him. And if he compensates for future eternal torment in Gehenna in this short-term life, then he will free himself from eternal condemnation. 37. A large ulcer must be treated at its very root and for a long time; a great crime requires great satisfaction. There is no doubt that guilt becomes lighter when a person voluntarily admits his sin and repents (of it); when he hides his bad deeds, and they, contrary to his will and desire, are discovered and made publicly known, then such a crime is already serious. You, of course, cannot deny what happened to you. And therefore you should grieve especially strongly, because your sin is especially grave. 38. If sinful people (with their) minds could comprehend what kind of judgment God will execute in the world, and if at the same time human feelings were not dissipated by worldly vanity and were not burdened by unbelief, then (people) would very willingly begin to endure in this life as much and as much torture as they wanted under the condition of the longest life, if only they would not have the opportunity to fall into those torments of eternal fire. And you, unfortunate one, who has already begun the feat of repentance, at least now establish yourself (in it); hold on to him tightly, like a plank during a shipwreck, hope that through him you will be freed from the abyss of punishment. Be imbued with a repentant mood until the very end of your life, and do not please yourself with the thought that you are given forgiveness from human judgment (ab humana die), and the one who would want to promise you this (forgiveness) is a deceiver. After all, you, who have actually sinned before God, must expect healing only from Himself on the day of judgment. 39. What can I say about you, son of the serpent, servant of the devil, desecrator of the church of God? You have committed two crimes in one crime: adultery and sacrilege. Sacrilege lies, of course, in the fact that you, with insane audacity, desecrated a vessel brought (as a gift) to Christ, dedicated to God. If Belshazzar, the king of Persia, even because he sacrilegiously drank with his friends and concubines from those vessels of the Lord that were stolen by his father from the temple of Jerusalem, if for this he, struck that same night by the hand of an angel, was punished with a cruel death, then what can you think about yourself, you who perished and destroyed (another) together, you who wickedly desecrated and sacrilegiously dishonored an intelligent vessel dedicated to Christ and sanctified by the Holy Spirit, not realizing in this case (the sinfulness) of his intention and despising the divine judgment? It would have been better for you not to have been born at all, rather than to have been born only so that Gehenna would acquire in you its own son. 40. And even if the very consciousness of crime rapidly drives you away from everywhere - for “the wicked flees and persecutes not a single one” (Prov. 28:1) - even if ominous sinful images frighten you not only in reality, but even in a dream: I still, as a shepherd, who has no right to refuse help to a sheep that is sick or close to death, I give you advice. Seek voluntarily the prisons of repentance, imprison your womb in chains, torment your soul with cries and fasting. Seek the help of the saints, fall at the feet of the elect, so that your unrepentant heart (yours) does not accumulate wrath for itself on the day of God’s wrath and righteous judgment, when God “will reward everyone according to his deeds” (Rom. 2:5-6). Do not put yourself among those whom Paul laments, saying that they “sinned before and did not repent of the uncleanness, fornication, and lasciviousness which they committed” (2 Cor. 12:21). 41. Do not deceive yourself (by thinking) about the multitude of similar sinners, and do not say this: “I was not the only one who did this, I have many accomplices”; remember that many accomplices do not make a crime go unpunished. After all, in Sodom and Gomorrah and in the other five cities there lived, of course, countless people, and (however) all those who betrayed their body to shameful passion, without distinction, were burned by the fiery rain; Only Lot alone, alien to such shamelessness, was saved from this inevitable (for others) fire. 42. So, although now you, unfortunate one, remove the seduction of the serpent from your heart and, with a cry and incessant sobs, seek for yourself a cure for the inevitable day (of judgment), now, while your gloomy soul still dwells in this unclean body of yours; Always remember the saying of the Apostle: “For it is fitting for us all to appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that everyone may receive what he has done with his body, either good or evil” (2 Cor. 5:10). 43. “Who will comfort you, O maiden, daughter of Zion, for the cup of your contrition is magnified like the sea... Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord” (Pl. 2:13, 19). Stretch out your hands to Him for the healing of your sins. Thus, indulge in sobs. And first of all, do not let a single day pass (without reading) the fiftieth psalm - it was sung in precisely the same situation - and you continue to read it with tears and cries until the next verse: “God will not despise a broken and humble heart” (Ps. 50:19). 44. And besides this, not without heartfelt contrition in the face of God the Judge, also pour out the following lamentation: “Who will give my head water and comb out the source of my tears” (Jeremiah 9:1), in order to mourn for me the wounds of my soul? My holidays turned into sadness, and my songs into lamentation (Amos 8:10); the sound of hymns and the joy of psalms ceased, and the gnashing of teeth and the weeping of eyes approached. “I became numb and humbled and kept silent from good things, and my illness was renewed. My heart will warm within me, and a fire will burn in my teaching” (Ps. 38:3-4); “fear and trembling came upon me, and darkness covered me” (Ps. 54:6); the abyss embraced me, and finally my head plunged into the clefts of the mountains (John 2:6). 45. Woe is me, for I have become like Sodom and burned like Gomorrah; who will regret my ashes? I offended (the Lord) more than Sodom, for it broke the law without knowing it, and I, having accepted grace, sinned before the Lord. If man sins against man, there will be a mediator; I have sinned before the Lord, where will I find the propitiator? I conceived sickness and gave birth to iniquity; I dug a ditch and dug it out, and fell into the hole I made. That is why my illness turned on my head, and my iniquity came on my crown (Ps. 7:15-17). My uncleanness is at my feet; I did not remember the last (days) and fell in a pitiful manner. 46. ​​There is no comforter for me. Oh, how bitter is the fruit of (bodily) pleasures! More bitter than bile, more merciless than a sword. How then did I become desolate? I suddenly became weak, I perished for the sake of my wickedness, like an awakening dream; That is why my image became humiliated in the city of the Lord (Ps. 73:19-20). My name has been blotted out from the book of life, I have become like an owl on the roof, like a lonely sparrow on the roof: there is no comforter for me (Ps. 101:6). I look at my right side and see that no one recognizes me (Ps. 141:5). “Flight from me perishes, and no one seeks my soul” (Ps. 141:5). I have become like a lost vessel, I hear the reproach of everyone who lives around me (Ps. 30:13-14). Woe to the day on which my unfortunate mother gave birth to me and this merciless light took me in. It would have been better for me not to have been born than to become such a byword. Through my fault, shame occurred for all the servants of the Lord and those who honor Him worthily. 47. Weep for me, O mountains and hills; let the springs and rivers weep for me, for I am the daughter of weeping. Weep for me, the beasts of the forest, the reptiles of the earth, and the birds of the air, and every soul that enjoys life. Blessed are you, birds and animals, you have no fear of the underworld, and after death you will not have to give an account, and for us, who have sense (sensum), the terrible torments of Tartarus await us, for we have sinned; That is why there is no peace for sinners. 48. My sin, my iniquity is not like human annoyances; after all, he is a desecration of the shrine. Having promised to keep my body virgin, having publicly taken a vow of purity, I lied before the Lord. That is why I do not have the boldness to call on the Most High Lord, for the lips of those who sin are stopped. After all, the prophet sang about my sin (when he said) that those who move away from God will perish, that He destroys everyone who departs from Him (Ps. 72:27). And in another place: “My tongue clung to my throat, and You brought me to the dust of death” (Ps. 21:16). 49. But while there is still time, while there is still opportunity, I will exclaim before the Lord, for in death there is no longer remembrance and in hell there is no confession. (I will exclaim): “Lord! Do not rebuke me in Your wrath, and do not punish me in Your wrath. For Your arrows have pierced me.... There is no place in my flesh because of Your wrath; there is no peace in my bones from my sins. For my iniquities have gone beyond my head and weighed me down like a heavy burden. My wounds stink and fester from my madness... I am exhausted and overwhelmed beyond measure, I cry out from the torment of my heart. My heart trembles within me, my strength has left me; and the light of my eyes, even that I do not have” (Psalm 37:2–7, 9, 11). God, You rejected me and crushed me, showed me cruel things, gave me to drink the wine of contrition (Ps. 59: 3, 5). I have been cast away from Thy eyes; I will no longer exert myself (strength) to rise up for Thy holy church, and I have become an exile. 50. “What profit is my blood when I go down” to corruption (Ps. 29:10)? “Will You work a miracle on the dead? or will the doctors resurrect” (Ps. 87:11)? Your words, Your promise: “I do not want the sinner to die, but to be converted... and to live” (Ezek. 33:11); To You, my God, is my appeal, for only You alone can renew everything, and You call souls from the underworld. You release those who are in chains: You, God, raise up the brokenhearted, enlighten the blind and raise the dead (Ps. 145:7). 51. “I am lost like a lost sheep”: seek your servant (Ps. 119, 176), so that the fierce wolf does not devour me. “Many say to my soul: there is no salvation for her in God” (Ps. 3:3). But Your counsel is with You. How many days will Thy servant be, when Thou wilt bring judgment upon me (Ps. 119:84)? But do not enter into court with Your servant (Ps. 142:2). “My soul faints for Thy salvation, ... my eyes melt away” from tears (Ps. 119, 81-82) “my glory is poured out on the earth” (Pl. 2:11). When, having looked upon, you will restore my soul (Ps. 34:17) For the sake of my iniquity, you punished me and made my soul disappear like a cobweb (Psalm 38:12). Remember, Lord, that I am dust; look at my humility and my labor, and forgive all my sins (Ps. 24:18). Let me go, “so that I may be refreshed before I go away and am no more” (Psalm 38:14), and (my) confession will not be in the underworld. 52. You, Lord, who did not disdain the defiled Rahab (Joshua 2:2), are able to tear apart the sackcloth and girdle me with joy (Ps. 29:12), to loosen my shackles with which I am tightly bound. Take away Your wrath, O Lord, from me, for I have cruelly sinned before You, until You justify me in my sin and bring me into the light. God of strength! grant fulfillment to repentance, firmness to confession, so that the deceiver of (my soul) does not strengthen me. I wish, God, that this gift (donum) would appear to me from Your source, that this grace would appear to me; in order to forever confess to You - to You, who lives and reigns in the Trinity forever and ever. Amen. You might be interested in: