143. Стыдно мне на тебя смотреть

We hear one person say something like this to another: “I’m ashamed to look at you.” This word is said by one who received many benefits from a certain person, but offended him a lot, and so turned out to be ungrateful to his benefactor; and then, having come to regret, he repents before him and declares his guilt to him, and confesses his sin, and is ashamed, and with regret says to him: “I am ashamed to look at you.” So a Christian soul, having sinned a lot against the Lord, but then coming to its senses and repenting, in a manner befitting God, its Creator, regretting, says: “I am ashamed to lift my eyes to You. You are my Creator; I am Your creation and the work of Your hands. Thy hands have made me and formed me (Ps. 119:73). But I did not understand this, sinning and being lawless before You. You did not create me as an insensitive and dumb creature, but as a human being, with feelings and reason, and, most of all, you honored me with Your image. “I am the image of Your ineffable glory.” But I did not understand that great gift of Yours, I did not listen to You, I sinned and committed lawlessness before You, and thus offended You, my great Creator and Benefactor. Therefore, shame covers my face; I am ashamed to lift my eyes to You. You, Lord, have righteousness, but we have shame on our faces (Dan. 9:7). You, defiled by sin, conceived in iniquities and born in sins (See Ps. 50:7), as a God who loves mankind and does not want the death of a sinner, washed me with the bath of rebirth, sanctified and justified. But I did not understand this great and incomprehensible gift of Yours, and again myself - woe is me! - I have defiled myself with many sins, I have sinned so grievously against You and offended You, just as a dog returns to its vomit and a washed pig goes to wallow in the mud (2 Peter 2:22). This is the shame of my face! Woe is me, for I have sinned against You! This is why my heart languishes. Because of this my eyes are darkened (Lamentations 5:17). I am ashamed to raise my eyes to You. I am ashamed to look at Your most holy Face. You called me to eternal life, opened the doors of Your kingdom to me and lovingly promised its inheritance. But I did not understand this, but turned to the vanity of this world, and sought wealth, honor and glory, and madly neglected that eternal treasure You promised me, and so gravely offended You. I'm ashamed to look at you. The shame of my face covers me. You feed me, clothe me, and with Your generous hand You give me everything and every good thing that I have. But I did not understand Your abundant goodness, I insulted You, my Benefactor, and I appeared ungrateful to You, the Benefactor. This is the shame of my face! I'm ashamed to look at you. And now I acknowledge and confess my ingratitude and sins before You; and I know and confess that I am truly unworthy of heaven and earth, and a piece of bread, and even the slightest good, and even temporary life itself, but only worthy of punishment. For my sins and my ingratitude I deserve it. But, oh, Merciful and Humane-loving Lord! As Thy Majesty, so may Thy mercy be upon me, a sinner! You did not destroy me who sinned; do not destroy me who repents. You have tolerated the lawless one and waited for conversion; have mercy and accept him who turns to You. You have had mercy on thieves, murderers, fornicators, predators, robbers and other serious sinners who repent: have mercy on me too, like them. You see, Master of the Heart, the sadness, the tightness and groaning of my heart, and the shame of my face, for I have sinned against You, my Creator and God. Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your great mercy, and according to the multitude of Your mercies, cleanse my iniquity (Ps. 50:3, and so on to the end of the psalm). I no longer want to sin against You in anything; but, as Your word teaches, I will do so and correct myself according to its rule. Lord, help me, and stretch out Your holy hand to me, and strengthen me, for I am weak. Your mercy, O Lord, will follow me throughout the days of my life (Ps. 22:6). Christian! Judge well and know who you are and Whom you sin against, and Whom you offend with your sin, whenever you sin. You, earth and ashes and little worm, offend God's incomprehensible majesty with your sin, the Great God, Whom the Angels and all the heavenly Powers sing and glorify incessantly with fear and reverence and the will and mania of Whom all creation obeys and fulfills His will, you alone do not listen to Him and do not honor, but you offend with sin. He is your Creator, Redeemer and Benefactor, greater than Who there is not and cannot be; but you do not honor Him, for you sin against Him and thus offend Him. Judge for yourself: isn’t it great madness and blindness not to honor and insult Him, from Whom we have our being and receive every good thing we have? What subject dares not to honor and insult his King? Unless he's crazy, and to his own obvious detriment. What son does not honor his father? Is it just insensitive? What servant of his master is not afraid? Unless he is devoid of intelligence. What kind of person would want to insult his benefactor? Unless he is worse than cattle and beasts, for both cattle and beasts know their benefactors and remember their good deeds. You show all this above-described fury to the Lord your God when you sin. And this is what the Lord says: The son glorifies the father, and the servant fears his master. And if I am the Father, then where is the respect for Me? And if I am the Lord, then where is the fear of Me? ( Mal. 1:6 ). It is hard, truly hard, for the man of his benefactor, the servant of his master, the son and daughter of his father, the subordinate of his superior; it is much harder for a subject to offend his King. How incomparably harder is it to offend God, the King of kings, and the Lord of lords, and the Father of our parents, and the Benefactor of our benefactors. God is offended by sin, because the obedience due to Him is not shown. Oh, fierce evil - sin! Sin is sweet to man, but its fruits are very bitter. And do not think, man, that when you sin against man, you do not sin against God. No, this opinion is wrong. For whoever sins against man will also sin against God; and whoever offends a person will also offend God. How? God commanded us not to offend or insult a person, but to love him more and help him. If we do not do what He commanded, then we do not obey Him and resist His holy will, and thus insanely offend Him. You see, man, that sin against man cannot exist without sin against God, and offense against man cannot occur without offense against God. If you hate a person whom God loves and commanded you to love, you hate God Himself. If you offend a person that God has forbidden you, you offend God Himself. Do you see where your sin against a person, your insult and your insult shown to him, do you see where it goes?! To God Himself. And from here it follows that if you want to repent and be reconciled with God, then you must first make peace with your neighbor whom you have offended and offended. And this is what the Lord says: If you bring your gift to the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:24). And, which multiplies the severity and abomination of sin and shows the blindness and madness of man, every sin, like every deed, is committed before God and His all-seeing eyes, for God is everywhere and sees everything. Who dares to commit outrages before the King of the earth, or even before the lower authorities? A blind sinner dares to do this before God and His all-seeing eye. If a person considers all this and the things described above, he will certainly come to true repentance, regret and heartfelt sadness, and will regret and lament in his heart that he sinned and offended and angered God; and, not daring to lift up his eyes to God, he will admit his shame: “I am ashamed to lift up my eyes to You, Lord!” And from now on he will wish to die rather than sin. Know, Christian, Whom you are sinning and Whom you offend with sin, and I will certainly, I tell you the truth, you will repent heartily and beware of all sin. So enlightenment and knowledge of God, oneself and sin is the beginning of repentance and salvation. Thus says the Lord, the Lord, the Holy One of Israel: “When you return and breathe, then you will be saved, and you will understand where you have been” (Isaiah 30:15). You might be interested in: