Venerable Mary of Egypt

I was born in Egypt. When I was twelve years of age and my parents were still alive, I rejected their love and set off for Alexandria.

How I lost my virginal purity and began uncontrollably and insatiably to give myself over to fornication — of this I cannot even think without shame, much less relate at length; I shall say only briefly. For seventeen years, and more, I committed fornication with all — not for any gift or payment, since I wished to take nothing from anyone, but I reasoned thus: that more would come to me freely and satisfy my lust.

I was not rich, and that was not why I refused payment — no, I lived in poverty, often hungry, spinning flax, but I was always possessed by the desire to sink still deeper into the mire of fornication: I saw life in constant dishonour.

One day, at harvest time, I saw many men — both Egyptians and Libyans — going toward the sea. I asked one man I met where these people were hurrying. He replied that they were going to Jerusalem for the feast of the Exaltation of the Honourable and Life-giving Cross that was soon to take place. When I asked whether they would take me with them, he said that if I had money and food, no one would hinder me. I said to him: “No, brother, I have neither money nor food, yet I shall go and board the same ship with them, and they will feed me: I shall give them my body as payment.”

The young man I had met, hearing my shameless words, laughed and walked away. But I, throwing aside the distaff I happened to have with me, hastened to the sea. Looking over the travellers, I noticed among them some ten or more men standing on the shore; they were young and seemed suited to my desire. Others had already boarded the ship. Shamelessly, as was my custom, I ran up to those standing there and said: “Take me with you; I shall please you.” They laughed at these and similar words and, seeing my shamelessness, took me with them on the ship, and we set sail.

What tongue or ear could bear the tale of the shameful deeds I committed on the ship during the voyage: I drew even the unwilling into sin, and there was no shameful act that I did not teach them. I am horrified that the sea endured such debauchery, that the earth did not open and swallow me alive into hell after I had corrupted so many people! But I think that God was awaiting my repentance, not desiring the death of the sinner, but with long-suffering awaiting his conversion.

Thus I arrived in Jerusalem and all the days until the feast I continued as before, and even worse.

At last the feast of the Exaltation of the Honourable Cross arrived, and I, as before, went out to seduce young men. Seeing that early in the morning everyone was going to the church one after another, I too set out, entered the narthex with them all, and when the hour of the holy Exaltation of the Honourable Cross of the Lord came, I tried to enter the church with the people. No matter how I tried to press through, the people pushed me back. At last, with great difficulty, I, the wretched one, drew near to the doors of the church. But while everyone entered the church unhindered, some Divine power prevented me. I tried again to enter and was again repelled, and remained alone in the narthex.

Thinking that this was happening because of my womanly weakness, I joined another crowd, but my effort proved in vain; my sinful foot already touched the threshold, the church received all unhindered, but me alone, the wretched one, it did not allow — an unknown power held me back, and again I found myself in the narthex. Thus three or four times I strained my strength but had no success. From exhaustion I could no longer join the crowd of those entering; my whole body ached from the press and the crush.

In despair, I drew back with shame and stood in a corner of the narthex. Coming to myself, I thought: what guilt forbids me to see the Life-giving Tree of the Cross of the Lord? The light of saving reason, the truth of God that enlightens the eyes of the soul, touched my heart and showed me that the abomination of my deeds forbids me to enter the church. Then I began to weep bitterly, striking my breast with sobs and sighing from the depths of my heart.

Thus I wept, standing in the narthex. Raising my eyes, I saw on the wall an icon of the Most Holy Theotokos and, directing to her both the eyes of the body and of the soul, I cried out:

“O Lady, Virgin, who gave birth to God in the flesh! I know, I know full well that there is neither honour nor praise for Thee when I, unclean and defiled, gaze upon Thine image, O Ever-Virgin, pure in body and soul. Rightly would Thy virginal purity loathe and hate me, a harlot. But I have heard that God, born of Thee, became incarnate precisely to call sinners to repentance. Come then to my help, for I am forsaken by all! Command that the entrance to the church be not forbidden to me; grant me to see the Honourable Tree on which in the flesh was crucified He who was born of Thee, who shed His holy Blood for the deliverance of sinners and for me. Command, O Lady, that even for me, the unworthy, the doors of the church be opened for the veneration of the Divine Cross! Be my faithful surety before Thy Son that I will no longer defile my body with the impurity of fornication, but that, having looked upon the Tree of the Cross, I will renounce the world and its temptations and go wherever Thou, the surety of my salvation, shalt lead me.”

Thus I spoke. Strengthened by faith and convinced of the mercy of the Theotokos, I, as though at someone’s prompting, moved from the place where I had prayed and mingled with the crowd entering the church. Now no one pushed me back or hindered me from reaching the doors of the church.

Fear and horror seized me, and I trembled all over. Reaching the doors that had previously been closed to me, I entered the holy church without difficulty and was granted to see the Life-giving Tree. I comprehended the mysteries of God and understood that God will not reject the penitent. Falling to the ground, I venerated the Honorable Cross and kissed it with trembling.

Then I went out of the church to the image of my surety, the Theotokos, and, bending my knees before her holy icon, I prayed thus: “O Ever-blessed Virgin, Sovereign Lady Theotokos, who did not disdain my prayer, You have shown Your great loving-kindness toward me. I, an adulteress unworthy to behold it, have seen the glory of the Lord! Glory to God, who through you accepts the repentance of sinners! This is all that I, a sinner, can conceive and utter in words. Now, Sovereign Lady, it is time to fulfill what I promised, calling upon you as my surety: guide me as is your will, and teach me how to complete my salvation on the path of repentance.”

After these words I heard, as if from afar, a voice: “If you cross the Jordan, you will find complete rest for yourself.” Hearing these words with faith that they were addressed to me, I cried out with tears, gazing at the icon of the Theotokos: “Sovereign Lady, Sovereign Lady Theotokos, do not forsake me!”

With these words I came out of the church porch and quickly went forward. On the road someone gave me three coins, saying: “Take this, mother.” I accepted the coins, bought three loaves and asked the seller where the road to the Jordan was. Learning which gate led in that direction, I quickly went on my way, shedding tears.

Thus I spent the whole day on the road, asking the way of those I met, and by the third hour of that day when I had been granted to behold the holy Cross of Christ, already at sunset, I reached the church of Saint John the Baptist by the river Jordan.

Having prayed in the church, I went down to the Jordan and washed my hands and face with the water of that holy river. Returning to the church, I partook of the Most Pure and Life-giving Mysteries of Christ. Then I ate half of one loaf, drank water from the Jordan and fell asleep on the ground.

Early in the morning, having found a small boat, I crossed to the other bank and again turned with prayer to my guide, the Theotokos, that she might instruct me as it should please her. Thus I withdrew into the desert, where I have been wandering to this day, awaiting the salvation that God will grant me from soul- and body-suffering.

Having crossed the Jordan, I had two and a half loaves; they gradually dried out and became as if petrified, and I ate of them little by little for several years. When the loaves were finished, after seventeen years, I fed on plants; the clothing I had on when I crossed the Jordan rotted from age, and I suffered much, fainting from the heat in summer and shivering from the cold in winter, so that many times I fell to the ground as if lifeless and lay there for a long time, enduring numerous bodily and spiritual adversities.

But from that time until today the power of God has transformed my sinful soul and my humble body in all things, and I only remember my former deprivations, finding for myself inexhaustible food in the hope of salvation: I am fed and covered by the all-powerful word of God.

For seventeen years I lived in this desert, struggling with my insane passions as with fierce beasts. When I partook of food, I would dream of the meat and wine that I had eaten in Egypt; I longed to drink the wine that I had loved. While I was in the world, I drank much wine, but here I had not even water; I languished from thirst and suffered terribly. Sometimes there arose in me a desire, which greatly troubled me, to sing the lewd songs to which I had become accustomed.

Then I would shed tears, strike myself upon the breast, and remember the vows that I had made when I withdrew into the desert. Then in my mind I would stand before the icon of my Surety, the Most Pure Theotokos, and with weeping entreat Her to drive away from me the thoughts that troubled my soul. For a long time I would weep thus, striking myself firmly upon the breast, and at last it was as though light poured out around me, and I would grow calm from my agitations.

How can I confess to the lustful desires that overtook me? The fire of passion would kindle within me and scorch me, driving me to lust. When such a temptation came upon me, I would cast myself to the ground and drench myself with tears, imagining that before me stood my Surety Herself, condemning my transgression and threatening me with severe torments for it. Cast down upon the earth, I would not rise day or night until that light illumined me and drove away the thoughts that troubled me. Then I would raise my eyes to my Surety, fervently seeking help for my sufferings in the desert—and indeed, She gave me help and guidance in repentance.

Thus I spent seventeen years in constant torments. And thereafter, even to this day, the Theotokos is in all things my helper and guide.

As the Life relates, in one of the Palestinian monasteries there lived an elder; the elder’s name was Zosima. Even in infancy he had been given over to a monastery, where he had valiantly struggled in asceticism until the age of fifty-three. But later the thought began to trouble him that he had attained complete perfection and no longer needed any instruction. Then an Angel appeared to him and said: “Zosima! You have struggled diligently, as far as is within human power, and have valiantly completed the ascetic course.” But there are, said the Angel, “struggles unknown to you, and harder than those you have passed”—and he bade him leave his own country and go to the monastery that lies by the river Jordan.

There was in that monastery a custom for the sake of which God had brought Zosima there. In the first week of Great Lent, at the Liturgy all partook of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord, and the monks went out into the desert and crossed over the river Jordan; there they all dispersed far in different directions and knew nothing of one another, how each fasted and struggled, and they returned to the monastery a week before the Resurrection of Christ.

Zosima, according to the custom of that monastery, also crossed over the Jordan. He increasingly desired to go deeper into the desert and there to find one of the ascetics who might instruct him. After twenty days’ journey he once stopped and, turning to the east, began to sing the sixth hour. While he was singing thus, he saw on his right side what seemed to be the shadow of a human body; thinking that it was a demonic delusion, he began to cross himself. When the fear had passed, he turned to the south and saw a naked person, burned black by the sun, with white hair like wool, reaching only to the neck. It was I.

When from afar I saw the elder approaching me, I hastily ran deeper into the desert. But Zosima, as if he had forgotten both his old age and the weariness of the journey, rushed to catch up with me. When he had drawn near enough for us to hear each other, he cried out with tears: “Why, O servant of the true God, for Whose sake thou hast settled in the desert, dost thou flee from me, a sinful elder? Wait for me, unworthy and feeble, for the hope of the reward for thy labour! Stop, pray for me, and for the sake of the Lord God, Who despiseth no one, grant me thy blessing.”

Meanwhile we reached a hollow, like the bed of a dried-up river. I hastened to the other side, while Zosima, exhausted and lacking strength to run further, intensified his tearful entreaties and stopped. Then I also stopped and said: “Abba Zosima! Forgive me for God’s sake that I cannot appear before thee: as thou seest, I am a woman, naked, with nothing to cover my nakedness. But if thou desirest to give thy prayer and blessing to me, a sinner, then throw me something from thy clothing to cover myself with, and then I will turn to thee for prayer.”

Fear and terror seized Zosima when he heard his name from the lips of one who had never seen him and had heard nothing about him. He quickly fulfilled my request, took off his old, torn garment and, turning away, threw it to me. Taking the garment, I girded myself and, as far as possible, covered my nakedness. Then I turned to Zosima: “Why, Abba Zosima, didst thou desire to see me, a sinful woman? Dost thou wish to hear or learn something from me, and therefore hast not spared thyself the difficult journey?”

But Zosima threw himself to the ground and asked my blessing. I also bowed to the ground, and so we both lay, asking each other’s blessing; only one word could be heard: “Bless!” After a long time I said to the elder: “Abba Zosima! Thou must bless and offer the prayer, for thou art invested with the rank of priest and for many years hast stood before the holy altar, celebrating the Divine Mysteries.” Shedding tears, he replied: “O spiritual mother! Thou hast drawn near to God, having put to death the weaknesses of the flesh,” — and he asked that I rather bless him for God’s sake and offer my holy prayer. I blessed him with these words: “Blessed is God, Who desireth the salvation of human souls!” Zosima answered “Amen,” and we both rose from the ground.

The elder asked me to pray to the Lord for the whole world and for him, a sinner. I turned to the east, lifted my eyes upward, and, raising my hands, began to pray, but so quietly that Zosima could not hear or understand the words of the prayer. The Life has preserved his words: “I call God to witness,” he related, “that after a while I lifted my eyes and saw her raised a cubit from the ground; thus she stood in the air and prayed.” Seeing this, Zosima trembled with fear, fell to the ground with tears, and could only utter: “Lord, have mercy!”

Raising the elder from the ground, I said: “Why, Zosima, art thou troubled by the thought of an apparition, why dost thou think that I am a spirit performing prayer? I beseech thee, blessed father, be assured that I am a sinful woman, cleansed only by holy baptism; no, I am not a spirit, but earth, dust and ashes, I am flesh that does not imagine itself to be a spirit.”

The elder fell at my feet and with tears adjured me by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ not to conceal anything from him but to tell him everything about my life. I answered: «Forgive me, holy father, I am ashamed to tell of my shameful life. But you have seen my naked body, so I will also bare my soul, and you will know how much shame and disgrace is in it.» And I told him everything that I have related here, omitting nothing; only I asked him, when he learned of my life, not to forget to pray for me. To the elder’s question how many years had passed since I settled in this desert, I answered that I thought forty-seven years had passed since I left the holy city.

Hearing that I recalled the words of Holy Scripture, Zosima asked whether I had studied the Psalms and other books. With a smile I answered that since my crossing of the Jordan I had seen no person except him, and had never learned from books, «but the word of God is everywhere and always enlightens the mind and reaches even me, unknown to the world».

I did not allow the elder to bow to me and adjured him by Jesus Christ to tell no one what he had heard from me until God should take me from the earth, and asked: «In the fast of the coming year do not cross the Jordan as you usually do in the monastery,» but «on the holy and Great Thursday, on the day of the mystic Christ’s Supper, take in a holy vessel befitting this the life-giving Body and Blood, bring it to the settlement on that bank of the Jordan and wait for me, that I may partake of the Life-giving Gifts»: for since I partook in the church of John the Forerunner I have not tasted the holy Gifts. Having asked the elder to pray for me, I withdrew into the depth of the desert.

As the Life relates, when the first week of Great Lent arrived and all the brethren according to custom went out into the desert, only Zosima, who was suffering from a serious illness, was compelled to remain in the monastery — and he remembered my words: «It will be impossible for thee to go, even if thou shouldst wish!» On the day of the Mystical Supper the elder placed in a small vessel of the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ our God, took in a basket a little food, and late in the evening went out of the monastery and sat on the bank of the Jordan, awaiting my arrival.

I came to the river. Illuminated by the brightness of the moon, I signed the river with the sign of the Cross, descended from the bank onto the water, and walked to the elder upon the water as upon dry land. Zosima wished to bow down to me, but I, while still walking on the water, forbade him and cried out: «What art thou doing? Thou art a priest and bearest the Divine Mysteries!» — and, coming out onto the bank, I asked him to read the Symbol of Faith and the Lord’s Prayer. At the end of the prayer I partook of the Most Pure and Life-giving Mysteries of Christ and, sighing, with tears cried out: «Now lettest Thou Thy servant depart, O Master, according to Thy word, in peace, for mine eyes have seen Thy salvation» (Lk. 2:29–30).

Then I said to Zosima: «I implore thee, father, do not refuse to fulfil yet one more of my desires: now go to thy monastery, and next year come to the same stream where thou didst formerly converse with me.» He asked me to taste of the food he had brought. I touched the wheat with the tips of my fingers, took three grains, and, bringing them to my lips, said: «This is enough: the grace of spiritual food, which preserveth the soul undefiled, will satisfy me.» I again signed the Jordan with the sign of the Cross and, as before, crossed the river as on dry land.

Having partaken of the Mysteries on the bank of the Jordan, I reached in one hour the place of my repose — that stream to which the elder came after twenty days of a difficult journey — and gave up my soul to God. This was in the month which in Egyptian is Pharmuthi, in Roman April, on the first day, in the night of the saving Passion of Christ, after the Communion of the Divine Mysteries.

As the Life relates, yet another year passed, and Zosima again went out into the desert. Reaching the place where the stream flowed, he saw to the east the venerable one lying dead; her hands were folded as is fitting for those lying in the grave, her face turned to the east. He saw at the head of the blessed one an inscription traced on the ground: «Bury, Abba Zosima, in this place the body of humble Mary, and return dust to dust. Pray to God for me who departed in the month which in Egyptian is Pharmuthi, in Roman April, on the first day, in the night of the saving Passion of Christ, after the Communion of the Divine Mysteries.»

He took a branch of a tree cast away in the desert and began to dig, but the dry earth did not yield to the elder’s efforts. Suddenly, raising his eyes, he saw a huge lion standing by the body of the venerable one and licking her feet. Zosima said to the beast that he was old and could not dig the grave: «Dig thou with thy claws a grave, and I will bury the body of the venerable one.» The lion with its forepaws dug a pit sufficient for burial. The elder covered the body with earth. Then both departed: the lion, meek as a lamb, into the depths of the desert, and Zosima to his monastery.

Having come to the monastery, he told all the monks about the venerable Mary, and all resolved with fear, faith and love to venerate the memory of the venerable one and to celebrate the day of her falling asleep. And Saint Sophronius, having heard the account, wrote it down.

In you, mother, it is known that you were saved, even in the image, / having accepted the cross, you followed Christ / and, having taught you to despise the flesh, it passes away, / to be diligent about the soul of things more immortal.// In the same way, O Reverend Mary, your spirit will rejoice with the Angels.